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1
00:00:09,020 --> 00:00:10,659
Oh, good day to you, Mr Lomax.
2
00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:12,060
How are you today?
3
00:00:13,340 --> 00:00:15,260
I'm late home from the pub.
4
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:16,460
Oh...
5
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:17,579
She warned you before.
6
00:00:17,580 --> 00:00:19,780
She'll have given the dog my dinner.
7
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:22,020
I know,
he eats better than you, don't he?
8
00:00:22,060 --> 00:00:23,819
He does.
9
00:00:23,820 --> 00:00:25,619
And she's nicer to it.
10
00:00:25,620 --> 00:00:29,260
Well,
have you tried licking her ear?
11
00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:31,379
What, from the spare bedroom?
12
00:00:31,380 --> 00:00:32,819
Oh, I see, yes.
13
00:00:32,820 --> 00:00:37,260
What have you got that might, er,
distract her and get me
14
00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:38,699
through the next couple of hours?
15
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:39,740
Oh...
16
00:00:39,780 --> 00:00:43,139
What about a nice gift-wrapped
box of chocolates?
17
00:00:43,140 --> 00:00:45,380
Ah, no, we did that.
18
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:46,579
The dog had them, and all.
19
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,020
Oh, dear.
20
00:00:48,060 --> 00:00:50,860
Chocolates are supposed to be
poisonous, you know, for dogs.
21
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:55,339
You see what I have to live with?
She's poisoning my dog!
22
00:00:55,340 --> 00:00:56,740
Oh, dear.
23
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:58,099
OK, you've missed your dinner.
24
00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,380
I tell you what I'll do.
25
00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:03,460
I'll make you a nice ham bap, eh?
Right...
26
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:06,939
Straight off the bone,
nice and sweet.
27
00:01:06,940 --> 00:01:08,939
Oh, that would be good.
28
00:01:08,940 --> 00:01:11,379
I love a bap.
29
00:01:11,380 --> 00:01:12,819
Don't tell the dog.
30
00:01:12,820 --> 00:01:15,659
Oh, I'm not speaking to the dog.
31
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:17,899
Oh, this is going to be expensive.
32
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:19,460
I know, I've been here before.
33
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:24,940
That'll be no surprise, will it?
34
00:01:28,860 --> 00:01:30,939
Waste not, want not.
35
00:01:30,940 --> 00:01:33,300
There we are.
36
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:25,939
All right then, be like that!
37
00:02:25,940 --> 00:02:27,340
Yeah! And to you.
38
00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:29,180
Uh...
39
00:02:29,220 --> 00:02:30,619
Leroy, what are you doing?
40
00:02:30,620 --> 00:02:32,899
Looking at the world.
41
00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:34,859
And it's in bed.
42
00:02:34,860 --> 00:02:37,499
Your mother used
to like staying in bed.
43
00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:40,100
Sometimes her own.
44
00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:44,419
I've got a feeling you are not
a morning person.
45
00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:46,859
This isn't morning.
46
00:02:46,860 --> 00:02:48,699
Still the middle of the night!
47
00:02:48,700 --> 00:02:52,340
There's only burglars, vampires
and us doing business at this hour.
48
00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:54,379
You know, when I was your age,
49
00:02:54,380 --> 00:02:59,260
I used to get up so early that
sometimes it was still yesterday.
50
00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:04,100
Right, what am I having
for me breakfa-
51
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:07,580
Ooh, ham baps.
52
00:03:07,581 --> 00:03:10,219
I'll have a nice ham bap, please.
53
00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:12,459
Ham bap, please, Leroy.
54
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,299
That Madge, she needs me.
55
00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:17,940
Gets into trouble,
who does she call? Me.
56
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,500
Gastric.
57
00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:21,780
Master of the domestic appliance.
58
00:03:23,220 --> 00:03:26,260
Yes, but where's your permit
to her boudoir?
59
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:30,339
Hm? You're not making
the right progress, Gastric.
60
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:33,780
I'm always first amongst
the pipes and fittings.
61
00:03:33,820 --> 00:03:37,020
Yes, but where are you
when she needs, you know...
62
00:03:38,140 --> 00:03:39,539
..more?
63
00:03:39,540 --> 00:03:41,900
Probably underneath her bonnet.
64
00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:44,339
Oh, and I clear out wasps' nests
and beetles and bugs.
65
00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:48,219
Oh, she hates creepy crawlies.
66
00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:52,900
That is not the pathway
to the stars, Gastric.
67
00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,699
Tell him, Leroy.
68
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:59,980
Gastric, there are areas of life
that don't require a spanner.
69
00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:04,380
Life is so much simpler
when it unscrews.
70
00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:15,019
What?
71
00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:17,059
Morning, Jasmine, is Cyril in?
72
00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:18,860
Yes.
73
00:04:28,420 --> 00:04:31,339
Pay no attention,
she's in a bad mood.
74
00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:33,020
She does it well.
75
00:04:33,060 --> 00:04:34,419
Practice.
76
00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:36,060
Mine's the same.
77
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:38,780
Kath can pierce your skin
just by voice.
78
00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:52,540
Right, now, you know those bananas
that we've got ripening in the loft?
79
00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:53,900
I know them well.
80
00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:55,979
I had to cart them up there.
81
00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:58,259
What would happen if they came with
82
00:04:58,260 --> 00:05:01,140
a frightening-looking spider?
83
00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:03,979
Now he tells me.
84
00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:07,179
One that had a fatal bite.
85
00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:10,339
Well, guess who won't be
carting them back down!
86
00:05:10,340 --> 00:05:13,180
No, it would
take a man with nerves of steel.
87
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:18,180
Oh, really?
And we've got one, have we?
88
00:05:18,220 --> 00:05:19,740
Mm-hmm.
89
00:05:19,780 --> 00:05:21,459
Gastric?
90
00:05:21,460 --> 00:05:22,900
Gastric.
91
00:05:29,980 --> 00:05:31,379
Go away.
92
00:05:31,380 --> 00:05:32,540
You eat meat.
93
00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:34,619
Only if it's cooked.
94
00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:37,899
How can I kiss you
when you're not a vegan?
95
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:40,420
Come outside and I'll show you.
96
00:05:40,460 --> 00:05:42,260
I did and I enjoyed it.
97
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,980
How depraved is that?
98
00:05:47,860 --> 00:05:49,260
Be nice to me.
99
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:51,619
I've got this cruel parent.
100
00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:54,139
Gets me up before I go to bed.
101
00:05:54,140 --> 00:05:55,499
Have you seen Willis?
102
00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:57,179
Yes, I've seen Willis.
103
00:05:57,180 --> 00:05:58,619
You're the one I've not seen.
104
00:05:58,620 --> 00:06:00,219
Well, I've been with Ruby.
105
00:06:00,220 --> 00:06:02,100
Trying to get her geared up
ready for Willis.
106
00:06:02,140 --> 00:06:04,219
Mm, that's
if his mother lets him out.
107
00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:06,739
Haven't you got anybody with
a bit more initiative?
108
00:06:06,740 --> 00:06:09,779
Yeah, if you had anybody but Ruby.
109
00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:12,220
She makes men nervous, including me.
110
00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:19,420
Mr Newbold acting suspiciously.
111
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:21,739
Pretend you can't see him.
112
00:06:21,740 --> 00:06:24,140
He likes to think he's
invisible behind a book.
113
00:06:27,260 --> 00:06:30,940
He comes in hoping to find
Mrs Rossi.
114
00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:34,979
How often does Mrs Rossi
come in here?!
115
00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:36,620
She's a regular.
116
00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:38,820
Then when she comes in,
then what does he do?
117
00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:41,300
Nothing.
118
00:06:44,380 --> 00:06:48,979
You've left Gastric alone
with Madge.
119
00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:50,819
Good thinking.
120
00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:54,179
So, er... What are they doing?
121
00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:58,339
She's doing some bookwork
and he's tinkering under the sink.
122
00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:03,820
But is there any sign that they're,
you know, getting closer?
123
00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:07,060
I think she shouts at him
more affectionately.
124
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:12,340
Well, have you ever seen him...
125
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:14,779
..kiss her?
126
00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:17,180
I've seen him kiss his dog.
127
00:07:17,220 --> 00:07:20,659
I wouldn't mind,
but it's not even better looking.
128
00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:22,740
It's nicer natured.
129
00:07:23,740 --> 00:07:24,940
Mm, that's true.
130
00:07:26,420 --> 00:07:29,459
I always think
if men are not making advances,
131
00:07:29,460 --> 00:07:31,220
their memory must be going.
132
00:07:31,260 --> 00:07:32,620
So is mine.
133
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,420
I think this is yours, Jasmine.
134
00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:36,019
Oh, thanks, love.
135
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:37,739
Got it right last time.
136
00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:40,020
I do enjoy the gamble.
137
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,460
Are you saying Mr Newbold's
memory's going?
138
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,060
He always seems very alert to me.
139
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:45,260
Oh, no, it's going.
140
00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:48,060
Every time I visit
I get the impression that he's
141
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:51,180
forgotten how attractive
I was last time.
142
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:53,180
I bet you soon remind him.
143
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:55,019
Well, you have to.
144
00:07:55,020 --> 00:07:57,619
So much quicker than letting them
work it out for themselves.
145
00:07:57,620 --> 00:07:59,699
I hear that you're not yet engaged,
146
00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:01,940
is that something else
he's forgotten?
147
00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:04,420
Oh... No, I keep fending him off.
148
00:08:04,460 --> 00:08:06,100
I won't be rushed.
149
00:08:06,140 --> 00:08:09,460
Besides there's always
the possibility of other offers.
150
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:13,899
Does that mean you've got your eye
on something else in the local shop?
151
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:15,899
Oh!
152
00:08:15,900 --> 00:08:17,540
Oh, my lord!
153
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:20,980
Well... Oh, it's no secret that
Granville has always had
154
00:08:21,020 --> 00:08:23,339
a soft spot for me.
155
00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:25,619
Does Granville have any soft spots?
156
00:08:25,620 --> 00:08:29,500
Well, he's very kind to things
past their sell-by date.
157
00:08:29,540 --> 00:08:32,620
He likes to extend their life
as long as possible.
158
00:08:32,660 --> 00:08:35,580
Well, we all know who
Granville's got a soft spot for.
159
00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:38,420
Oh, dear! Is it so obvious?
160
00:08:38,460 --> 00:08:40,900
I try to keep me distance
161
00:08:40,940 --> 00:08:45,220
but he practically leaps over
the counter at me.
162
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:47,620
There he goes, over the first fence.
163
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:51,260
The galloping grocer gaining
rapidly on the old mare.
164
00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,700
Why is everyone staring at Mavis?
165
00:08:54,740 --> 00:08:58,179
Just your average simple soul,
on her knees, cleaning up coffee.
166
00:08:58,180 --> 00:09:01,219
Well, you spilt it.
167
00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:04,780
I did, didn't I? Here comes Mavis,
watch your coffee!
168
00:09:04,820 --> 00:09:07,099
Oh, but don't let me interrupt.
169
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:10,859
Do continue chatting, ladies,
even if it is rubbish.
170
00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:13,019
Would I go as far as rubbish?
171
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,179
Yes!
172
00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:15,220
Ooh!
173
00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:21,139
Is it me or has it suddenly
gone quiet in here?
174
00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:22,979
Of course, I could be wrong,
175
00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:25,500
but I do believe
you could hear a pin drop.
176
00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:28,020
Makes a change from
dropping our aitches.
177
00:09:32,580 --> 00:09:35,540
I thank you for that moment
of your full attention.
178
00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:37,779
Must have been a surprise,
179
00:09:37,780 --> 00:09:40,620
coming as it did from a wet stain
on the kitchen floor.
180
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,100
What brought that on?
181
00:09:46,140 --> 00:09:48,180
I'm not aware
that I drop my haitches.
182
00:09:51,580 --> 00:09:55,260
Everybody knows that wives
don't like camping.
183
00:09:56,300 --> 00:10:01,939
They don't share the same
male fantasies about the benefits
184
00:10:01,940 --> 00:10:03,979
of being uncomfortable.
185
00:10:03,980 --> 00:10:07,459
We're not going camping on account
of the anti-camping lobby at home.
186
00:10:07,460 --> 00:10:09,460
Mm.
187
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:12,979
When she's made her mind up,
Jasmine is a rock.
188
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,820
She's a very hard surface.
189
00:10:16,020 --> 00:10:18,099
Your wife's often rude to me.
190
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,020
And to me.
191
00:10:20,060 --> 00:10:26,300
All right, ask me, ask me why your
wife's don't want to go with you.
192
00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:28,379
Erm...
193
00:10:28,380 --> 00:10:31,220
I could give you some advice,
free of charge -
194
00:10:31,260 --> 00:10:36,299
as long as I get your order
for when you go camping.
195
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:39,500
Which you will,
if you follow this plan.
196
00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:42,819
You two go camping.
197
00:10:42,820 --> 00:10:44,820
Just the two of you.
198
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:51,100
It's hardly the same.
199
00:10:51,140 --> 00:10:52,939
Strategy.
200
00:10:52,940 --> 00:10:54,820
Tactics.
201
00:10:56,220 --> 00:11:01,940
You give your wives the impression
that you don't want them with you.
202
00:11:01,980 --> 00:11:07,780
Hm? And then, you make sure that
you pack your aftershave.
203
00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:12,099
For camping? Who takes aftershave?
204
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:17,300
Husbands who attract the ladies.
205
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:21,179
Well, it sounds like us.
206
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,139
We fit that description.
207
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:26,060
I think I know
where you're going with this.
208
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:31,139
And finally, you make sure
they know that you've
209
00:11:31,140 --> 00:11:33,580
packed your new socks.
210
00:11:39,060 --> 00:11:43,299
Cos, you see, everybody knows
there's a link between up-to-no-good
211
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,820
and new socks.
212
00:11:47,020 --> 00:11:49,219
Just trust me.
213
00:11:49,220 --> 00:11:52,659
Your wives will be joining you
before you've
214
00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:54,900
cooked your first bad meal.
215
00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:58,380
Yes!
216
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:10,299
What's wrong with you today?
217
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:11,539
You.
218
00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:12,579
What have I done?
219
00:12:12,580 --> 00:12:14,740
Nothing. Especially with Gastric.
220
00:12:14,780 --> 00:12:16,579
You don't treat him right.
221
00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:19,660
Well, I made him
a peanut butter sandwich.
222
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:22,300
If he's not under a sink,
he's under your car.
223
00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:25,459
And if you do get married,
will he ever see daylight?
224
00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:28,940
Married?!
Who said anything about marriage?!
225
00:12:28,980 --> 00:12:33,299
That's a whacking great jump
from a peanut butter sandwich.
226
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:36,619
You've had years of home
improvements out of poor Gastric.
227
00:12:36,620 --> 00:12:41,219
Oh, I see, so I'm supposed to
pay him with personal favours?
228
00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:44,980
It's about time you gave him
a bit of something on account.
229
00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:55,620
Beth.
230
00:12:55,621 --> 00:12:57,059
Oh, you remembered.
231
00:12:57,060 --> 00:12:58,859
Of course.
232
00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:01,900
There's no "of course".
You disappeared off the planet.
233
00:13:01,940 --> 00:13:03,020
Not really.
234
00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:04,820
Remember Ruby?
235
00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:06,579
Does anyone forget Ruby?
236
00:13:06,580 --> 00:13:08,859
Well, she thinks you have.
237
00:13:08,860 --> 00:13:10,460
Didn't you like her?
238
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:13,700
What's the point?
She'll never respect me because I...
239
00:13:13,740 --> 00:13:15,739
..can't beat her at arm wrestling.
240
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,579
She's not as tough as she acts.
241
00:13:17,580 --> 00:13:20,819
She rescues small birds, insects,
242
00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:23,659
builders who fall from roofs.
243
00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:27,780
Maybe that's it, if you fell
off a roof, she'd love you to bits.
244
00:13:27,820 --> 00:13:29,740
I'm only thinking low roof.
245
00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:39,580
Is this a great spot or what?
246
00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:42,860
A bit too good to be true?
247
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:45,059
The man said we could camp here.
248
00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:47,819
He took our money.
He didn't give you a receipt.
249
00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:50,139
Eric, we're in the country.
250
00:13:50,140 --> 00:13:53,339
They do things differently
round 'ere.
251
00:13:53,340 --> 00:13:54,939
Well, they know how to charge.
252
00:13:54,940 --> 00:13:56,940
They're not that different.
253
00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:08,820
Did you hear that vehicle?
254
00:14:10,380 --> 00:14:13,219
Hey, I hope we're not
next door to a motorway.
255
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,420
Give over.
256
00:14:14,460 --> 00:14:17,420
It's the first one we've heard.
257
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:19,739
Look how quiet it is.
258
00:14:19,740 --> 00:14:22,179
You calling home already?
259
00:14:22,180 --> 00:14:24,219
We want to arouse their suspicions.
260
00:14:24,220 --> 00:14:25,420
Let's get on with it!
261
00:14:30,540 --> 00:14:33,859
Jasmine? Yes, we're here!
262
00:14:33,860 --> 00:14:36,180
Tent up, energy flowing.
263
00:14:36,220 --> 00:14:37,660
The blood is pumping!
264
00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:43,580
You were so right not to come.
265
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,939
Mr Newbold.
266
00:15:11,940 --> 00:15:16,340
You remembered. I was just passing.
267
00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:21,020
How nice to see you, Mrs Rossi.
268
00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:23,779
No, I wasn't just passing,
I've been coming here regularly.
269
00:15:23,780 --> 00:15:25,539
I know.
270
00:15:25,540 --> 00:15:27,379
I've seen you. Seen me?
271
00:15:27,380 --> 00:15:29,180
Briefly.
272
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,660
Whenever I looked,
you hid behind a book.
273
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:36,699
I assumed you didn't want
to speak to me.
274
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:38,139
Oh, no!
275
00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:40,139
I thought,
he can't tear his eyes away.
276
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:43,219
It must be a very interesting book.
277
00:15:43,220 --> 00:15:45,219
Well, it was the first one
I grabbed.
278
00:15:45,220 --> 00:15:47,900
Diseases Of The Modern Apple.
279
00:15:57,420 --> 00:16:02,220
I've been, er, spreading the word
to the customers about the spider
280
00:16:02,260 --> 00:16:04,339
being in the bananas.
281
00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:05,780
Oh, how big?
282
00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:08,219
I said it was like, about, just...
283
00:16:08,220 --> 00:16:10,339
How deadly?
284
00:16:10,340 --> 00:16:14,499
What do you care?
You're the fearless spider hunter?
285
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:16,299
I'm not going up into that loft
286
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:18,979
if there's something up there
with a killer bite.
287
00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:20,580
That's Mrs Featherstone.
288
00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:22,420
And she won't be up there.
289
00:16:23,460 --> 00:16:25,300
And neither will the spider.
290
00:16:26,460 --> 00:16:28,259
It doesn't exist.
291
00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:30,500
It's our secret.
292
00:16:31,420 --> 00:16:34,060
But spiders hide in bananas!
293
00:16:37,420 --> 00:16:39,020
All right, listen, listen to this...
294
00:16:39,060 --> 00:16:40,900
Listen...
295
00:16:43,980 --> 00:16:46,340
It's a well known fact, right,
296
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:50,099
that 83% of venomous spiders
297
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:53,500
prefer to hide behind...
298
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:58,419
..tins of baked beans.
299
00:16:58,420 --> 00:17:00,379
I didn't know that.
300
00:17:00,380 --> 00:17:04,180
Nobody does, it's because
the great big baked bean mafia -
301
00:17:04,220 --> 00:17:07,260
they keep it quiet.
302
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:15,820
Kath, of course
we're alone out here.
303
00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:20,219
Just us and the big empty.
304
00:17:20,220 --> 00:17:23,700
Oh, it's all coming back to me,
Kath.
305
00:17:23,740 --> 00:17:24,980
Some call it savage,
306
00:17:25,020 --> 00:17:27,220
I call it me.
307
00:17:28,420 --> 00:17:31,300
Say hello to your primitive man.
308
00:17:35,420 --> 00:17:37,580
I think I first noticed your legs.
309
00:17:37,620 --> 00:17:38,900
I mean walk...
310
00:17:38,940 --> 00:17:40,820
I mean, the way you walk.
311
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,459
Damn it, I said legs.
312
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:45,299
Well, they do
rather go with the walk.
313
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,939
I think I'll shut up now.
314
00:17:47,940 --> 00:17:50,220
I'm talking nonsense.
315
00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:52,420
Some of the nicest nonsense
I've heard.
316
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:56,860
You're a very understanding woman.
317
00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:58,299
Your book, Mr Newbold.
318
00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,499
You didn't sign it out.
319
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,220
Oh, er, oh, I've read it.
320
00:18:02,260 --> 00:18:04,660
Thank you. Er, sorry.
321
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:08,260
You've read
Diseases Of The Modern Apple?
322
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:10,460
Too sad for me.
323
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:15,340
You see?
The kind of things life does to me.
324
00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:16,779
Well, until Saturday, then.
325
00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:18,820
Until Saturday.
326
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:29,299
Come through here.
327
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:32,179
Cyril has taken his new socks.
328
00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:33,579
What you saying?
329
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:36,659
I'm saying, what if there are
two female somebodies in camping
330
00:18:36,660 --> 00:18:40,660
shorts about to light our husbands'
fires without a match.
331
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:43,660
Hang on...
332
00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:56,699
Eric's taken his aftershave.
333
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:58,980
Come on, we're going camping.
334
00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:10,019
Just, er, you know...
335
00:19:10,020 --> 00:19:12,220
..making sure.
336
00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:13,379
Of what?
337
00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:15,059
Spider free.
338
00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:16,580
I'd have thought of that.
339
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:18,100
Eventually.
340
00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:23,179
Right, where's this
non-existent spider, then?
341
00:19:23,180 --> 00:19:25,420
What do you think you're doing?
342
00:19:25,460 --> 00:19:27,980
I'm here to remove
your imaginary spider.
343
00:19:28,020 --> 00:19:34,700
Not dressed like that, you're not!
Where is your sense of drama?
344
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,019
I don't do drama.
345
00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:38,820
Madge does the drama.
346
00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,099
And really quite well!
347
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:44,299
Look, you're supposed to be
going up against something
348
00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:45,899
that you know is lethal!
349
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:47,700
And we don't mean Madge.
350
00:19:47,740 --> 00:19:51,420
Listen,
if you want to impress Madge,
351
00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:55,419
you've got to milk this thing
for all it's worth.
352
00:19:55,420 --> 00:19:58,019
You're about to be well
and truly milked, Gastric.
353
00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:02,619
Oh, don't listen to him!
He's just gone weird for a vegan.
354
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:03,939
Yes, I have!
355
00:20:03,940 --> 00:20:07,419
And I think I'm just about ready
to give up everything.
356
00:20:07,420 --> 00:20:09,660
Except bread and dripping.
357
00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:18,500
What a smile she has.
358
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:24,100
What a triumph
for Italian dentistry!
359
00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:26,179
And it was aimed at me.
360
00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:27,380
It's only me!
361
00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:32,059
Are you decent?
362
00:20:32,060 --> 00:20:34,619
Are you avoiding me, Newbold?
363
00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:36,340
Not successfully.
364
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:40,740
Ah! Ha-ha, there you are.
365
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:42,219
Home at last.
366
00:20:42,220 --> 00:20:43,780
You were out when I called.
367
00:20:43,820 --> 00:20:45,339
Out? Where were you?
368
00:20:45,340 --> 00:20:47,420
The library.
369
00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:49,939
Ooh, not out buying
something nice for me?
370
00:20:49,940 --> 00:20:53,740
Now listen, sit down, I have a plan.
371
00:20:53,780 --> 00:20:56,939
Which would include me?
372
00:20:56,940 --> 00:21:00,699
I think it's time, Woburn, that
you took me away for a weekend.
373
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:02,539
Oh, er... No...
374
00:21:02,540 --> 00:21:04,619
No, don't get excited.
375
00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:06,940
I shall insist on separate rooms.
376
00:21:06,980 --> 00:21:09,619
Well, what's wrong with
separate hotels?
377
00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:13,500
Oh, that's very kind of you, to be
so considerate of my reputation.
378
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:16,180
I would guard your chastity
with my life.
379
00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:17,300
Oh, ho, bless you.
380
00:21:17,340 --> 00:21:19,179
But that won't be necessary.
381
00:21:19,180 --> 00:21:20,939
Separate rooms will be fine.
382
00:21:20,940 --> 00:21:22,459
Bad idea, Delphine.
383
00:21:22,460 --> 00:21:23,859
People will gossip.
384
00:21:23,860 --> 00:21:25,299
Oh, yes, I'll make sure of that.
385
00:21:25,300 --> 00:21:28,380
It's time they saw
that our affair is serious.
386
00:21:33,340 --> 00:21:34,820
Woburn?
387
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:36,660
Woburn?!
388
00:21:39,140 --> 00:21:42,180
He's so excited,
he's had to go for a walk.
389
00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:43,979
Oh...
390
00:21:43,980 --> 00:21:47,660
Will we ever be free
of their lusting after us?
391
00:21:59,140 --> 00:22:02,259
Right, where are they?
392
00:22:02,260 --> 00:22:03,539
Who?
393
00:22:03,540 --> 00:22:07,460
The female somebodies you tricked
into going camping with you.
394
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:09,780
I think they've just arrived.
395
00:22:11,780 --> 00:22:13,060
Cup of tea?
396
00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:22,619
The spider man's coming.
397
00:22:22,620 --> 00:22:26,500
Yeah, don't look too excited,
but the spider man's coming.
398
00:22:26,540 --> 00:22:27,619
What spider man?
399
00:22:27,620 --> 00:22:31,779
As in tackling huge, tropical
spiders the size of dinner plates.
400
00:22:31,780 --> 00:22:33,539
You know I don't like spiders!
401
00:22:33,540 --> 00:22:35,860
Then it's a good job
somebody can face up to them.
402
00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:37,580
I don't know how they do it?!
403
00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:39,139
You can ask him afterwards.
404
00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:40,659
Ask who? Gastric.
405
00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:42,420
He's the one going in!
406
00:22:42,460 --> 00:22:44,179
No, no, no, it can't be Gastric.
407
00:22:44,180 --> 00:22:46,179
He doesn't like spiders, either.
408
00:22:46,180 --> 00:22:47,500
He's terrified of them.
409
00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:50,620
He threw a wobbly
when he found one under the sink.
410
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:52,060
He's doing it for you.
411
00:22:53,140 --> 00:22:56,859
Me?
Well, I never thought he'd be so...
412
00:22:56,860 --> 00:22:58,699
..stupid! Right, where is he?
413
00:22:58,700 --> 00:23:00,620
Follow me.
414
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:11,100
Quiet, please. Quiet.
415
00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:13,299
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
Gastric...
416
00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:17,220
Er, The Spider Man will in fact be
signing autographs a little
417
00:23:17,260 --> 00:23:22,499
later for a small charge,
just to cover operating expenses.
418
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,300
You understand?
419
00:23:24,340 --> 00:23:25,740
I hope he doesn't kill it.
420
00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:27,979
Don't worry,
it's an imaginary spider.
421
00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:29,099
I don't care.
422
00:23:29,100 --> 00:23:30,420
Still has rights.
423
00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:34,860
Thank you and good luck! I think...
424
00:23:38,940 --> 00:23:41,779
One minute he's just a bloke
under your sink and the next...
425
00:23:41,780 --> 00:23:44,819
Well, it's always the quiet ones
that surprise you.
426
00:23:44,820 --> 00:23:46,619
Ah, all right, yeah, yeah.
427
00:23:46,620 --> 00:23:48,980
Don't overdo it.
You're overdoing it. Thank you.
428
00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:51,739
Get off! Thank you!
429
00:23:51,740 --> 00:23:54,060
Thank you.
430
00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:55,980
Thank you very much. Right.
431
00:23:59,220 --> 00:24:02,099
Right...
432
00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:05,979
Where's the bananas?
I'm not going near the bananas!
433
00:24:05,980 --> 00:24:10,699
All right! No, the bananas are
over there, now just relax.
434
00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:13,100
All I want you to do
is just stand here,
435
00:24:13,140 --> 00:24:15,299
where you are, till Madge comes.
436
00:24:15,300 --> 00:24:18,939
Madge is coming here?
Yes, yes, Mavis is bringing her.
437
00:24:18,940 --> 00:24:25,260
Now, listen, Madge is going to try
to persuade you to not be heroic.
438
00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:29,860
Well, a man has to do
what a man has to do!
439
00:24:29,900 --> 00:24:32,300
Yes, all right! You're overdoing it
again, aren't you?
440
00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:34,980
Just listen to me.
441
00:24:35,020 --> 00:24:39,060
When Madge comes
and you two are here alone,
442
00:24:39,100 --> 00:24:41,540
I will drop in the spider, OK?
443
00:24:41,580 --> 00:24:44,419
Hey, where you going?! Hey!
444
00:24:44,420 --> 00:24:46,780
You said there weren't any spiders.
445
00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:49,540
There aren't any spiders!
446
00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:51,540
It's a toy.
447
00:24:51,580 --> 00:24:53,700
A toy!
448
00:24:53,740 --> 00:24:58,860
So what you do? You shine
your torch on it, Madge screams.
449
00:24:58,900 --> 00:25:01,539
You hold on to her, bravely.
450
00:25:01,540 --> 00:25:02,820
And there you are.
451
00:25:02,860 --> 00:25:05,260
Mr Unflappable.
452
00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:06,900
I can do that.
453
00:25:06,940 --> 00:25:09,540
Just don't let it get too close.
454
00:25:09,580 --> 00:25:12,180
I won't. Trust me.
455
00:25:17,940 --> 00:25:21,300
Oh, aye...
456
00:25:31,220 --> 00:25:33,899
Just checking for spiders.
457
00:25:33,900 --> 00:25:36,139
Humanely.
458
00:25:36,140 --> 00:25:38,379
Ah!
459
00:25:38,380 --> 00:25:41,220
Where's Gastric?
You shouldn't be using him.
460
00:25:41,260 --> 00:25:44,259
You'd talk him into anything.
461
00:25:44,260 --> 00:25:49,379
Listen Madge, you come with me and
I can show you how heroic he can be.
462
00:25:49,380 --> 00:25:51,779
Come on...
463
00:25:51,780 --> 00:25:53,540
Good hunting.
464
00:25:53,580 --> 00:25:55,219
He cheats.
465
00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:56,700
They do.
466
00:26:02,940 --> 00:26:05,139
Ooh!
467
00:26:05,140 --> 00:26:06,620
OK, Madge.
468
00:26:06,660 --> 00:26:07,979
Where are you?
469
00:26:07,980 --> 00:26:12,139
If that's a spider asking,
I'm not here.
470
00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:13,900
It's me, you fool!
471
00:26:13,940 --> 00:26:15,539
Oh!
472
00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:18,180
What are you doing here?
You know you're afraid of spiders!
473
00:26:18,220 --> 00:26:21,020
But you came anyway, for me?
474
00:26:22,460 --> 00:26:24,860
Listen...
475
00:26:24,900 --> 00:26:29,980
Madge, to be honest,
there aren't really any...
476
00:26:32,420 --> 00:26:34,619
..spiders!
477
00:26:34,620 --> 00:26:36,660
Don't worry, Madge, I've got you.
478
00:26:36,700 --> 00:26:38,499
I'm supposed to feel safe with you?!
479
00:26:38,500 --> 00:26:43,900
If you just stay like this
and don't move, we'll be all right.
480
00:26:43,940 --> 00:26:46,819
Do you think movement attracts them?
481
00:26:46,820 --> 00:26:49,300
No, but I think staying like this
attracts me!
482
00:26:49,340 --> 00:26:53,419
Oh, get on with it!
Oh, where's the harm?
483
00:26:53,420 --> 00:26:55,859
Two minutes and I'm out of here.
484
00:26:55,860 --> 00:26:57,820
There's bound to be spiders!
485
00:27:06,540 --> 00:27:08,379
What was that?
486
00:27:08,380 --> 00:27:11,020
Well, it wasn't a Yorkshire terrier.
487
00:27:26,060 --> 00:27:27,899
Not now, Cyril...
488
00:27:27,900 --> 00:27:29,499
Uh...
489
00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:31,900
If you boys want to make yourself
useful, then dry this!
490
00:27:45,380 --> 00:27:49,180
The happy campers looked a bit
startled when they passed.
491
00:27:53,860 --> 00:27:56,220
Been a big day for Gastric.
492
00:27:57,420 --> 00:28:02,140
I think he's had his visa
stamped for further than the sink.
493
00:28:04,660 --> 00:28:07,860
Seven and a half minutes,
they were up there.
494
00:28:09,100 --> 00:28:12,500
Came down with big grins
eating my bananas.
495
00:28:14,820 --> 00:28:17,819
The Black Widow's
running a bit loose.
496
00:28:17,820 --> 00:28:21,260
I'll have to get Newbold
back where he belongs.
497
00:28:21,300 --> 00:28:24,539
I hate doing it,
but it's not like it's for ever.
498
00:28:24,540 --> 00:28:27,780
Her husbands never last long.
499
00:28:35,260 --> 00:28:38,379
It must be love
when you can even consider
500
00:28:38,380 --> 00:28:40,980
giving up bread and dripping.
35443
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