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Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Holmes.
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Hello, everybody, how's it going?
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Thank you so much. Sit down.
Have a seat. Thank you.
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00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,747
Pete.
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00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:44,336
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you, guys. Look at you.
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We're here.
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You... Yeah.
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You made it. I'm proud of you.
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We're doing something.
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I mean it.
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This is sincere, you left the house?
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That's no small feat.
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You know how hard it is to leave...
I think you do.
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It's fucking hard to leave the house.
You should be proud, you left that...
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What's in the house?
Fucking everything?
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Fucking everything is in the house.
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All your food, all your little snacks.
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The long chair you call a couch.
Oh, so comfy.
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Climate control.
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You can close the door,
there's that click.
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00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:52,946
You know, that click, get a nice seal
on your perimeter.
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00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,866
It's a good feeling, you close the door
and your lizard brain hears the click,
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it's like, "Let's remain here."
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Stay here forever.
25
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:06,376
Not you guys are like, "Fuck it.
We're going into the dark night."
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00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,420
Yeah!
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00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:12,007
We'll find parking, we'll make it work.
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00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:17,971
You're like Dora the Goddamn Explorers.
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I'm impressed.
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00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:24,228
I'm honored. What did you pass up
in your homes?
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Any movie?
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You guys said no to any movie.
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To come to this.
To roll the dice on live entertainment.
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Yeah, sure.
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I agree.
36
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And it could go either way.
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So glad.
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What I was about to say,
"I'm so glad this is going well."
39
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,141
I know. It's weird.
40
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:06,854
We all wanted
to be good, you know what I mean?
41
00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:09,439
We're all in the same boat. I'm being
filmed, you're being filmed, too.
42
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,192
Some of you were like,
and there's...
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00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:19,408
There's a camera right next to you,
you're like, "How do I laugh normal?"
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00:03:23,996 --> 00:03:26,623
Oh, no!
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00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:33,046
Don't be nervous. It's gonna be fine.
46
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I dressed up.
This is dressed up for me.
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Some comedians wear suits for their
specials, this is a suit for me.
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00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:45,225
A hard pant... I don't wanna be wearing
these hard pants.
49
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:49,479
What the fuck am I doing
in these hard non-giving pants?
50
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:53,692
All day before I changed for the show,
I was head-to-toe lululemon.
51
00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:02,993
It's true.
All day, I was rocking the dream,
52
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,871
I was wearing head-to-toe lululemon.
53
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:09,208
If you don't know what lululemon is,
you're a good person.
54
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:18,634
lululemon is high-end yoga wear for
assholes who don't do yoga.
55
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:20,427
And I am one of them.
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00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:24,348
I am one of those assholes.
I like it. I love it.
57
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:29,645
My guy friends give me shit.
They tease me for wearing Lulu.
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00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:34,399
They're like, "There's a men section?"
I'm like, "Yes. You gotta look for it."
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It moves around. You can find it.
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00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:46,495
I like it. They think women don't like
a guy in a Lulu. I disagree.
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00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:52,376
Women like a guy in a Lulu because if
I go up to a woman wearing lululemon,
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00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,753
it does all the work for me.
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00:04:54,837 --> 00:04:59,007
Before even say anything,
it nonverbally transmits just, "Hey,
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relax."
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00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,641
"Nothing bad is about
to happen to you."
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00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,562
No one has ever gone up to a cop like,
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00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:15,482
"He went that way!
He's wearing lululemon!"
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00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:20,654
"Go now! He's fast and nimble!
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He can move and bend in ways
your uniform does not allow!"
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It never happened.
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00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:36,044
Mike Pence looks like a clear
gummy bear, is that...
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00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,259
Is that anything?
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00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:50,225
He looks like a clear gummy bear that
kind of got his shit together.
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00:05:50,309 --> 00:05:54,104
You know what I mean?
He bought a suit, like a human suit.
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00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:57,941
He learned how to tie a tie with
his unformed gummy hands.
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00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:03,614
He rehearsed in the mirror
at home like, "Hello."
77
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:09,786
"Hello, Mr. President."
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Look at him go!
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00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:18,670
My fucking pina colada gummy bear
got all the way to Oval Office.
80
00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:23,884
It's like he's a bad guy,
but that's impressive for a candy.
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00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:28,472
"Please don't leave me in a hot car."
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00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,771
Mike Pence said he doesn't wanna be
left in the room alone
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00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:39,983
with a woman that's not his wife,
I don't think that's sexual.
84
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,778
I think he's too delicious.
85
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:53,163
If you laughed at that,
you're gonna love this show.
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00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:57,709
You picked the right night.
You picked the right night.
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00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,465
My wife and I, this is exciting,
we just had a baby, so we...
88
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,095
Thank you very much.
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00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:12,432
I'm so glad that you guys
are baby positive.
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00:07:12,516 --> 00:07:15,310
The baby's only about a month old.
But when I started doing sets...
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00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:19,648
I know, it's crazy, she just got here.
Where was she?
92
00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:23,819
I was sleeping next to my wife and
consciousness flipped on in her belly,
93
00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:26,530
just bink, it's here now.
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00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,657
And it's my responsibility.
That's insane.
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00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,242
But then you guys are positive.
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00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:34,079
I've been talking about the baby on
stage right when she was born,
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I was like, "We just had a baby."
Somebody in the audience said,
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"Yeah. Your life's over."
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"Bye-bye, life."
100
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"Bye-bye, life. Your life, that's over.
101
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:52,139
Your life is over."
102
00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:55,601
And I was like,
"Yeah, I don't fucking care."
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I had a good run. I had 39
uninterrupted years of just like,
104
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"You guys eaten cheese?"
Like, let's fucking...
105
00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:06,778
Mix this up.
106
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:11,241
I can't be 40, "I'm really looking
forward to the new Joker movie."
107
00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:14,661
Let's get some new people in here.
108
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,875
It's not that bad. People all warn you
that you don't sleep.
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00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:23,253
You sleep, you just sleep different.
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00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:28,008
You sleep in bursts. Sleep for, like,
three hours and you're up for an hour,
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00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:31,386
sleep for two hours
and you're up for an hour. It's fine.
112
00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:36,642
Because the best part of sleep
is falling asleep.
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00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,978
It's the only part you're there for.
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It's the only part you're there for.
The rest is just a coma.
115
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,862
When you say you love sleep, you mean
that moment where you're waiting like,
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00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,615
"Oh, here we go." Like that?
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00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:57,621
That's what you mean when you cascade
into the caramel waterfall
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00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:01,041
and it's a surprise every time,
like, "Oh, it's got me!"
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00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:03,961
Where you're the spoonful of sugar
120
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,506
and you get swirled into the glass of
ice tea that is slumber, you're like,
121
00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:11,009
"I'm going away!"
That is the best part of sleep.
122
00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:13,971
It's the only good part of sleep.
123
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:18,684
And because I have a baby now,
I get to do this 22 times a night.
124
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,853
It's the best.
125
00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:25,983
I was getting up to pee anyway.
126
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:34,074
It's funny when you go to the hospital,
you have the baby, they give you one.
127
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:38,245
They give you your baby.
128
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:42,082
I knew it was my baby. My baby looks
so much like me, it feels impolite.
129
00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:46,503
Like it's not supposed to be,
it came out. It was embarrassing.
130
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:50,174
I was like, "Oh, shit. It's me."
Like, that's not...
131
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:53,802
It's like my genes are assholes.
They're bully genes.
132
00:09:53,886 --> 00:09:57,848
They got in the mix and my genes were
just like, "We don't want to jell!"
133
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:05,230
"This guy's nose. This guy's lips.
This guy's labia."
134
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,982
It's my baby.
135
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,777
It's embarrassing.
136
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:16,491
You're supposed to go 50/50 with
your wife, to puff puff pass the baby.
137
00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:20,495
And I bogarted the baby.
138
00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:27,878
They gave me the baby and I was like,
"Face match ID, a hundred percent."
139
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:31,798
Before you leave the hospital, they say
the same thing. The parents will know.
140
00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:35,511
They all give you the same advice every
single nurse, there's like 20 nurses.
141
00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:39,765
They all told us, they go,
"Hey, never shake a baby."
142
00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:45,854
Over and over. Another nurse, really.
Really.
143
00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:50,692
"Hey, listen up. Don't shake a baby."
144
00:10:50,776 --> 00:10:55,322
There's posters that say,
"Never ever shake a baby."
145
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,325
Val and I were like, "What the fuck?
Who would shake a baby,
146
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:02,371
we're in love with this little baby?"
What they don't tell you
147
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:05,582
is you're gonna wanna shake that baby.
148
00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:12,297
Oh, you're gonna wanna shake
the shit out of that baby.
149
00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:17,511
You are gonna be tempted as fuck to
shake like a goddamn Etch A Sketch,
150
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:22,349
or a hysterical woman in an office
in the '60s, "Goddamn it, Diane!"
151
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:25,394
But you want to shake the baby.
152
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,983
I wish I knew.
It's not like it's out of nowhere.
153
00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,652
It's not like you're having a quiet
night at home, the baby's in the crib
154
00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:37,030
and you're like, "Oh, I got an idea."
155
00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:47,040
It's not that. They tell you
when the baby cries, rock the baby.
156
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:51,837
They tell you, swing the baby.
This is code
157
00:11:52,004 --> 00:11:55,132
for kind of shake your baby.
158
00:11:56,216 --> 00:12:00,262
The baby starts crying a little bit,
you shake it a bit, and it works.
159
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,390
And it starts crying a lot, turned
bright red, screaming in your face,
160
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:06,310
and you're like, "What?"
161
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,478
It stands to reason.
162
00:12:10,189 --> 00:12:12,316
You want to.
163
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:18,363
The logic tracks but you can't, because
you know... Sure some of you know.
164
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:22,784
You know what happens, what the disease
is called if you shake a baby?
165
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:29,041
Shaken... Yes.
Shaken baby syndrome.
166
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:33,295
It's the name of the disease.
It might as well be called Dad Lost It.
167
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:39,635
The disease includes what happened.
It's like a shame disease.
168
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,429
It's like a scarlet letter name
for disease.
169
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:45,807
It's made to dissuade you from doing it
because you can't be casual.
170
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,351
You can be casual about other diseases.
171
00:12:47,518 --> 00:12:51,563
"Yeah, I got to go home. My baby's got
a little bit of jaundice.
172
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:55,442
It's not a big deal. She's just working
through some jaundice."
173
00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:59,029
You can't be like,
you got to go home.
174
00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:06,745
"My baby has got
175
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:10,290
Shaken baby syndrome."
176
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,586
"Yeah, I don't know what happened."
177
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:20,926
"It's going around, just going around.
She caught it. It's in the air.
178
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:26,473
It's in the air." Everyone knows some
shit went down. There's no excuse.
179
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,269
You can't be like,
"Yeah, we went off-roading,
180
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:35,148
I told her to buckle up, she's a little
Guy Fieri. She doesn't give a fuck."
181
00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:39,403
She got tossed and tussled.
She's fucked up now, I know, yeah.
182
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,867
I put her on my cell phone,
it was on vibrate, got a few calls.
183
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,744
She's different now.
184
00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:51,456
I haven't... I've never shaken
the baby. You don't shake the baby.
185
00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:55,127
You want to.
186
00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:59,006
I wish someone told me.
I'm like, "Am I a monster?"
187
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,133
"No, it's everybody."
188
00:14:02,426 --> 00:14:06,513
I love having a baby, Baby Lilo.
I love her. She's amazing.
189
00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:10,559
And it's not that hard, getting a
dog... I never had a dog my whole life.
190
00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:15,522
Getting a dog, honestly, was more
confusing than getting a baby.
191
00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:18,150
We got a baby.
192
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,736
Honestly, getting a dog was different
because it's a fucking dog,
193
00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:24,031
it's not even your species.
It's just a wild animal.
194
00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:26,783
You're like, "You wanna be in here?"
195
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:31,747
Hey, you, you eating the pigeon bones,
you wanna be in here?
196
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:39,338
When your baby cries, it's a human.
I have a human baby.
197
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,006
When it cries, you have a guess.
198
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:44,885
You're like, "It's probably hungry.
It's hot, it's cold, has gas."
199
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:47,262
These are the problems that I have.
200
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:52,100
So you're like, "I got it."
I have no idea what my dog wants.
201
00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:55,938
My best guess,
never-ending eye contact.
202
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:05,739
I'm trying to watch Great British Bake
Off, he's down there like, "Hey, dad."
203
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,498
Over here.
204
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:17,167
"What the fuck do you want?"
I don't know what he wants.
205
00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:20,629
I was raised with cats
and you can kind of tell.
206
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:27,094
You can kind of tell
I was raised with cats.
207
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:32,266
It's the worst hackle you could give me
is laughing at that.
208
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:37,688
You can tell I was raised with cats.
The command I most often give my dog
209
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,440
is, "Go live your life."
210
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,151
I don't know what he wants.
211
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:45,654
They're needy. I just didn't know
how needy a dog is.
212
00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:49,324
I've been out of the house for two
days. If my dog had a cell phone,
213
00:15:49,408 --> 00:15:52,953
I'd have 4,022 missed calls,
214
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:57,708
4,022 texts of the bone emoji
and the walk emoji.
215
00:15:59,543 --> 00:16:01,128
He'd be FaceTiming me
right now just like,
216
00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:07,009
"Look at these baby browns, dad.
Look at these goddamn baby browns."
217
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,598
You look for your cat,
you hide from your dog.
218
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:14,641
Does that makes sense?
219
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:20,272
You don't know what your cat is. Like,
people say cats are evil and they are.
220
00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:23,108
But they're also all set.
You know what I mean? They're fine.
221
00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:26,028
They're out learning to fucking
meditate or some shit.
222
00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:29,364
They're rolling their own cigarettes.
223
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:33,744
When I left the house with my dog, I
toss a tuna steak and do a barrel roll
224
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:38,665
out the window, just so he wouldn't be
like, "Is this forever?"
225
00:16:42,461 --> 00:16:46,048
But if you have a cat
and you see your cat, you're excited.
226
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:49,134
It's like a B-list celebrity sighting.
227
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:54,473
It's like seeing John Stamos napping
in a sunbeam in your kitchen.
228
00:16:54,556 --> 00:17:00,103
Like, "Oh, my God. We have a cat?"
Scoop it up. "I knew I wasn't crazy."
229
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:06,443
You take pictures with the cat,
selfies with cat, prove you have a cat.
230
00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:10,072
Put the cat down, he's like,
"Don't tag me. Don't tag me."
231
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,535
I'm being real with you.
I don't know how smart animals are.
232
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,621
I know they have different levels. They
have different levels of smartness.
233
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:20,165
Like my neighbor, he has two dogs.
234
00:17:20,249 --> 00:17:23,043
He was telling me that he has a big dog
and he has a little dog.
235
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:26,088
When he goes out of town,
he has to tape newspaper
236
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:31,093
to the reflective glass of his
fireplace. Otherwise... listen to this,
237
00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:34,888
the little dog will see his reflection
238
00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:38,350
and think there's a second little dog
239
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:42,604
stuck in the place that he's only
ever seen burst into flames.
240
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,068
So he's just like, "Hey.
241
00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:51,363
Hey, hey, hey.
242
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,285
I ain't going nowhere, brother."
243
00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:02,916
Because he's a goddamn hero.
244
00:18:05,711 --> 00:18:10,257
But when my neighbor told me his little
dog doesn't understand reflections,
245
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:14,720
all I heard was, the big dog does?
246
00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:21,852
I'm a human being,
I don't understand reflections.
247
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:25,689
You're telling me a slightly larger dog
is like,
248
00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:30,235
"I get it."
249
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:38,785
"That ain't me. I'm me.
That looks like me.
250
00:18:38,869 --> 00:18:43,248
I know what I look like,
but that's a trick of the eye.
251
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:46,502
Life, it's a mystery."
252
00:18:46,585 --> 00:18:49,838
"It's a particle and a wave.
253
00:18:49,922 --> 00:18:52,799
It's both. Some of the particles
go through the glass,
254
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:57,137
that's why we can see what's
illuminated inside the fireplace.
255
00:18:57,221 --> 00:19:01,808
But then a rather arbitrary amount
bounce back and frame me in light.
256
00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:05,729
I love science."
257
00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,566
"I love science.
258
00:19:10,651 --> 00:19:15,614
I love it. I love science
and licking my own asshole."
259
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,791
I got married this year, big year,
baby and marry.
260
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,419
Thank you.
261
00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:35,133
Sweet Lady Val. I'm glad you guys are
pro-baby. I'm glad you're pro-marriage.
262
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:38,720
A lot of my friends in LA,
anti-marriage, showbiz town,
263
00:19:38,804 --> 00:19:41,932
nobody gets married. I've noticed that
the same group, though,
264
00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:45,644
that is anti-marriage,
they're all pro-tattoo.
265
00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:49,731
It's the same group. They'd come up
to me and they're just like,
266
00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:52,734
"I don't know, man."
267
00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:56,822
"I don't know how you can make
a commitment of that magnitude."
268
00:20:00,993 --> 00:20:04,746
I'm like, "You have the word 'sublime'
on your neck."
269
00:20:06,957 --> 00:20:08,625
"Every job interview you go on,
270
00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:12,671
they'll be looking at that old English
sublime and they're gonna be thinking,
271
00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:16,717
'Oh, caress me down." Like that...
272
00:20:22,306 --> 00:20:24,933
That's a commitment.
273
00:20:27,603 --> 00:20:32,482
My wife is amazing. She's smart.
She's funny. She's my best friend.
274
00:20:32,566 --> 00:20:36,069
She's got big old titties. So, yeah.
275
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:46,079
She loves this joke. Don't worry.
She loves this joke.
276
00:20:46,747 --> 00:20:52,377
You got big old titties
and I wanna talk about it.
277
00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:56,507
I'm tired of not talking about it.
278
00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:59,635
My wife has big boobs. You know why?
279
00:20:59,718 --> 00:21:04,515
Because I don't give up on my goddamn
childhood dreams.
280
00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:06,767
I'm not a quitter.
281
00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:12,981
Eight-year-old me
fucking loves me.
282
00:21:13,065 --> 00:21:17,110
When I was 8, I wanted a girlfriend
with big boobs and a racecar bed
283
00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:19,488
and I am halfway there.
284
00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:26,453
Big boobs are interesting. I feel for
her because she can't really hide them.
285
00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:30,749
She can cover them up,
but everybody knows.
286
00:21:30,832 --> 00:21:34,795
They're there. It's like throwing
a tarp over a porch of a house.
287
00:21:38,215 --> 00:21:43,637
No one looks at it like, "Look at that
house, it doesn't have a porch."
288
00:21:45,055 --> 00:21:46,765
You can still see the shape
and the side, you're like,
289
00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:51,728
"That house has some big ass porches."
You know.
290
00:21:51,812 --> 00:21:55,148
I feel bad, like,
you can hide a big old dick.
291
00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:02,155
No one has to know.
You can send it down one leg,
292
00:22:02,239 --> 00:22:05,158
you can curl it up like a Cinnabon.
293
00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:11,623
It's a reveal. On the big night,
it's a reveal. You're like, "Yeah."
294
00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:15,919
"That's why I'm so confident."
295
00:22:22,718 --> 00:22:26,471
With big boobs, everyone can tell.
Everyone can tell
296
00:22:26,555 --> 00:22:30,100
which can be awkward sometimes.
Like she had to meet my parents.
297
00:22:30,184 --> 00:22:34,354
What do you do?
You just have to own it.
298
00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:38,483
You're like, "Mom, dad, as you can see,
299
00:22:42,446 --> 00:22:45,866
this is what your son is into."
300
00:22:51,830 --> 00:22:53,999
Mom, you remember.
301
00:22:58,879 --> 00:23:01,173
It's weird whenever you meet
somebody's significant other.
302
00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:04,760
It's a little too much info.
You know what I'm talking about?
303
00:23:04,843 --> 00:23:07,679
Especially if you don't know them
and they're just like, "This is Tina."
304
00:23:07,763 --> 00:23:11,058
Like, I don't wanna see that shit,
305
00:23:11,141 --> 00:23:16,063
the manifestation of the recesses of
your sexual subconscious.
306
00:23:16,230 --> 00:23:20,734
You're just like, "Yeah. This is what
makes me rock hard."
307
00:23:22,319 --> 00:23:27,908
"Fucking beat it, Dan. We're in a
Chipotle. Keep that shit to yourself."
308
00:23:29,368 --> 00:23:34,164
I'm like, "What did Val's parents do
to her that this is what she wants?"
309
00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,836
That she wants this ogre
Lithuanian that's like,
310
00:23:39,002 --> 00:23:42,506
"What's going on, you guys?"
311
00:23:45,926 --> 00:23:50,389
We got engaged, some of you might know
this story, in a hot air balloon
312
00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:53,141
because I'm not fucking around.
313
00:23:53,225 --> 00:23:56,061
She mentioned when we were dating
always wanted to go in a balloon.
314
00:23:56,144 --> 00:23:59,898
I wrote it down, and four years later
I was like, "It's time to get married.
315
00:23:59,982 --> 00:24:03,110
I wanna get married.
Let's go hot air balloon." She knew.
316
00:24:03,944 --> 00:24:08,156
She knew what was up. It wasn't a
surprise. She knew I was gonna propose.
317
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,869
You can't just roll up to
a hot air balloon
318
00:24:13,245 --> 00:24:15,539
wearing your one sport coat.
319
00:24:16,999 --> 00:24:18,500
She's like,
"We've been dating for four years.
320
00:24:18,667 --> 00:24:22,921
Would you like to hover in a basket
for no reason?"
321
00:24:24,965 --> 00:24:29,011
"Would you like to be adrift airborne
for no reason whatsoever?"
322
00:24:29,178 --> 00:24:32,556
She knew. She's not a dummy.
323
00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:37,269
In fact, if she had been surprised,
I might have called it off.
324
00:24:39,479 --> 00:24:41,148
But I didn't think it through.
325
00:24:41,315 --> 00:24:46,612
The basket's fucking tiny,
it's the size of four pizza boxes.
326
00:24:46,695 --> 00:24:50,699
So when I got in,
it's already pretty much full.
327
00:24:50,782 --> 00:24:53,702
And then I was like, "This will be
fine, Val. It'll be a romantic day."
328
00:24:53,785 --> 00:24:57,080
What I didn't consider is
there's another...
329
00:24:57,748 --> 00:25:00,042
there's another fucking guy.
330
00:25:01,460 --> 00:25:05,005
Of course, there's another guy
to fly the balloon,
331
00:25:05,088 --> 00:25:08,467
and he gets in,
and he's right here.
332
00:25:08,550 --> 00:25:13,472
I can feel the tickle of the stranger's
whiskers, just like...
333
00:25:13,555 --> 00:25:16,808
I can feel the heat of his breath,
and he was like a man's man.
334
00:25:16,975 --> 00:25:19,394
He's like a Ben Affleck character.
335
00:25:19,478 --> 00:25:22,856
Wearing a Carhartt jacket with scuffs
on and he's just watching me...
336
00:25:29,196 --> 00:25:33,283
He was kind of ruining the day.
He kept calling everything gay.
337
00:25:33,367 --> 00:25:36,245
I know. Biggest day of my life,
he's up there just like,
338
00:25:36,411 --> 00:25:41,083
"That's Janet Jackson's ranch
down there. Fucking gay."
339
00:25:44,795 --> 00:25:49,800
"I used to work at that deli.
They fired me. Huh, fucking gay."
340
00:25:52,511 --> 00:25:54,763
I was like, "Sir,
341
00:25:55,514 --> 00:25:58,642
you pilot a balloon."
342
00:26:02,437 --> 00:26:06,358
"You pilot a rainbow-colored balloon
343
00:26:06,441 --> 00:26:10,487
soaring majestic over the Wine Country
of Santa Barbara,
344
00:26:10,571 --> 00:26:12,781
maybe cool it on the gaze."
345
00:26:15,158 --> 00:26:18,787
But it was enough. It was enough to
shake me. He's right here.
346
00:26:18,871 --> 00:26:24,751
I was planning to be very flowery, like
"Val, since I first saw you, I knew..."
347
00:26:24,835 --> 00:26:30,549
"You are like the sun, and the moon,
and the sky," but I get this fucking...
348
00:26:38,098 --> 00:26:41,185
"You gonna do it?"
349
00:26:41,268 --> 00:26:44,479
So I got nervous. This is a hundred
percent real, I took the ring out,
350
00:26:44,563 --> 00:26:48,150
Val acted surprised, nice girl.
351
00:26:48,233 --> 00:26:51,820
But I froze up, I just went, "Val."
352
00:26:58,869 --> 00:27:03,207
"I would be honored
to call you my wife."
353
00:27:09,755 --> 00:27:12,466
That's all I said.
354
00:27:12,549 --> 00:27:16,053
I blew it. I didn't propose.
You're supposed to propose.
355
00:27:16,136 --> 00:27:21,350
You're supposed to say, "Will you marry
me?" I just went, "It would be great."
356
00:27:25,145 --> 00:27:29,316
"Let's get the law involved."
357
00:27:32,361 --> 00:27:33,862
I didn't give her anything
to respond to.
358
00:27:33,946 --> 00:27:37,157
It's like we were playing tennis,
but she didn't have a racket.
359
00:27:43,038 --> 00:27:47,501
But she's good. She said yes
even though I didn't say anything.
360
00:27:47,584 --> 00:27:50,003
She went, "Yeah, put the ring on."
361
00:27:50,087 --> 00:27:52,923
I wonder what fucking Affleck's
gonna say.
362
00:27:53,006 --> 00:27:55,384
I don't want him to judge me.
I don't want him to be like,
363
00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:59,221
"Man marrying a woman?
That's fucking gay."
364
00:28:04,643 --> 00:28:09,231
That's not what he said. This is 100%
real. It's dead quiet in the balloon.
365
00:28:09,314 --> 00:28:12,693
I just proposed, she said... Yeah,
I didn't propose, but she said, yes.
366
00:28:12,776 --> 00:28:17,030
What's the guy gonna say? He does
two celebratory toots of the flame.
367
00:28:23,370 --> 00:28:28,542
This is a 100% real, he goes,
"Lot of girls up here, they say no."
368
00:28:39,219 --> 00:28:41,221
As if that wasn't bad enough,
then he adds,
369
00:28:41,305 --> 00:28:45,559
"One girl said yes in the basket,
370
00:28:45,642 --> 00:28:49,021
when we landed said no."
371
00:28:52,399 --> 00:28:54,776
"Clever girl."
372
00:28:56,486 --> 00:28:58,530
Clever girl?
373
00:28:58,697 --> 00:29:01,700
Don't Jurassic Park
my engagement story.
374
00:29:06,955 --> 00:29:08,457
Did you know the movie "Three Amigos"
375
00:29:08,540 --> 00:29:13,754
was released in Spanish
speaking-countries as Tres Friends?
376
00:29:21,595 --> 00:29:24,932
What else can I tell you? I'm older.
I like traffic.
377
00:29:26,725 --> 00:29:28,644
I'm being real with you,
I don't mind traffic.
378
00:29:28,727 --> 00:29:32,064
I'm not just doing material that fits
my friendly face.
379
00:29:33,482 --> 00:29:38,070
You can imagine being in traffic
and just looking at me and I'm like.
380
00:29:39,696 --> 00:29:42,616
But I mean it, I don't mind traffic,
is this a traffic city?
381
00:29:43,408 --> 00:29:46,411
- Yes.
- Who cares?
382
00:29:50,624 --> 00:29:53,043
What's the big deal?
383
00:29:53,126 --> 00:29:55,128
Just sit there.
384
00:29:55,212 --> 00:29:59,174
Nothing is being asked of you.
Just fucking remain.
385
00:29:59,341 --> 00:30:01,468
Surrender.
386
00:30:03,929 --> 00:30:06,515
Surrender and remain.
387
00:30:06,598 --> 00:30:09,268
I know I'm in the minority.
I always look to my left,
388
00:30:09,351 --> 00:30:14,231
there's always a guy in a white BMW
that's like, "God fucking traffic."
389
00:30:14,398 --> 00:30:17,693
A vein in his neck like a white
chocolate Snickers bar.
390
00:30:23,115 --> 00:30:25,367
Like, where are you going?
391
00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:29,162
Seriously, where are you headed,
you stupid bitch?
392
00:30:29,246 --> 00:30:32,165
Where are you going?
393
00:30:32,249 --> 00:30:34,668
Seriously, what is so important?
394
00:30:34,835 --> 00:30:38,422
You're like, "I'll be happy
when I'm at work."
395
00:30:44,845 --> 00:30:48,473
Be happy now. Enjoy everything.
396
00:30:49,349 --> 00:30:53,562
Really, that's why I don't use Waze.
You guys know what Waze is?
397
00:30:53,645 --> 00:30:57,608
Waze is the app that uses crowdsource
info to get you around traffic.
398
00:30:57,691 --> 00:31:01,320
I know a lot of you probably like Waze.
Does anybody here hate Waze?
399
00:31:02,905 --> 00:31:05,073
Fuck Waze.
400
00:31:05,157 --> 00:31:09,119
I only need a few of you. Fuck Waze.
Listen to me,
401
00:31:10,162 --> 00:31:12,456
it's not the way of the soul.
402
00:31:13,707 --> 00:31:16,919
It's all head, it's no heart.
Do you know what I mean?
403
00:31:17,002 --> 00:31:23,425
It just sucks you in and you're like,
"Traffic? Ha, we'll see about that."
404
00:31:23,509 --> 00:31:28,597
"Right, left, right, left, left, left,
left, right, right, left, right, left."
405
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:30,474
"I'm a special boy."
406
00:31:33,477 --> 00:31:37,898
Just fucking give up, you stupid bitch,
give up.
407
00:31:37,981 --> 00:31:43,529
I don't need to save five minutes
careening through gated communities.
408
00:31:45,822 --> 00:31:48,951
We don't belong on those roads.
409
00:31:49,034 --> 00:31:54,289
Apple Orchard Lane? Get out of there.
410
00:31:54,456 --> 00:32:00,671
And even if you like it, I think we can
agree there should be a medium setting.
411
00:32:02,256 --> 00:32:05,133
Why am I thinking of this?
I'm not an app developer.
412
00:32:05,217 --> 00:32:07,261
There should be a medium,
there's no medium.
413
00:32:07,344 --> 00:32:11,849
It's either off or Indiana Jones,
that's all you got.
414
00:32:11,932 --> 00:32:16,728
It's either radio silence or it thinks
you rush a kidney to the Obama family.
415
00:32:18,605 --> 00:32:20,566
But I say fuck it.
416
00:32:20,649 --> 00:32:24,152
I mean this. Give up.
Surrender.
417
00:32:24,319 --> 00:32:26,905
Just get on the freeway with the rest
of us.
418
00:32:26,989 --> 00:32:31,368
Long, slow, straight, good.
419
00:32:32,452 --> 00:32:37,124
Tune out, listen to music.
Why are you so afraid of being alone?
420
00:32:37,207 --> 00:32:41,211
Just be with yourself. Call an old
friend, keep a friendship alive,
421
00:32:41,295 --> 00:32:42,796
listen to a podcast.
422
00:32:42,963 --> 00:32:46,592
My friends all get there,
I feel you pulling away...
423
00:32:48,468 --> 00:32:53,223
My friends all use Waze. They get to
the office five minutes before me.
424
00:32:53,307 --> 00:32:56,810
You can tell they use Waze
because they're white as a sheet.
425
00:32:56,894 --> 00:33:00,898
Their eyes are bugging out of their
head for making those suicide lefts
426
00:33:00,981 --> 00:33:04,902
on to five oncoming lanes of traffic.
They're just like...
427
00:33:07,613 --> 00:33:10,324
"This is a shortcut."
428
00:33:13,785 --> 00:33:16,830
You can be five minutes early, I'll be
ten minutes late and tell everyone
429
00:33:16,914 --> 00:33:22,169
what I learned on this American life.
That's a better way. It's a better way.
430
00:33:26,131 --> 00:33:29,051
What I'm saying is enjoy everything,
this is all we have,
431
00:33:29,134 --> 00:33:32,012
or maybe it's not, I don't know.
I won't make fun of your answers.
432
00:33:32,095 --> 00:33:34,848
Does anybody here...
Clap if you believe in an afterlife.
433
00:33:37,434 --> 00:33:40,354
Clap if you don't believe in it
but you're open to it.
434
00:33:40,521 --> 00:33:43,649
You don't think there's evidence,
but you're open to it.
435
00:33:45,359 --> 00:33:48,070
Anybody, reincarnation?
Reincarnation?
436
00:33:49,404 --> 00:33:53,784
And who thinks it's just dead over,
you just unplug the TV, boom?
437
00:33:55,577 --> 00:33:59,039
I think you're all right.
438
00:33:59,122 --> 00:34:01,875
I think those are all correct answers.
439
00:34:01,959 --> 00:34:04,753
What I think is funny about it, though,
is all my friends think it's dead over.
440
00:34:04,837 --> 00:34:06,922
They just think you unplug the TV
and it's lights out.
441
00:34:07,005 --> 00:34:10,676
They all say the same thing to me,
they're like, "Pete, think about it."
442
00:34:10,759 --> 00:34:14,638
"Afterlife makes no sense.
443
00:34:14,721 --> 00:34:18,350
Makes no sense, an afterlife."
444
00:34:18,433 --> 00:34:20,102
"You think an afterlife makes sense?
445
00:34:20,185 --> 00:34:24,565
You got to think about that again
because an afterlife..."
446
00:34:26,775 --> 00:34:29,695
"Afterlife makes no sense."
447
00:34:30,237 --> 00:34:32,781
And I was like,
"Yeah, I agree with you.
448
00:34:32,865 --> 00:34:36,994
You know what else makes no sense?
Fucking this."
449
00:34:39,162 --> 00:34:42,332
"Life makes no fucking sense."
450
00:34:42,416 --> 00:34:44,710
So I would argue that
life sets a precedent
451
00:34:44,877 --> 00:34:50,257
for potentially more shit that makes no
sense." Does that make sense?
452
00:34:50,340 --> 00:34:53,844
But my friends...
Why not?
453
00:34:55,804 --> 00:34:59,141
But my friends are all, like,
"No, man, there's this bullshit
454
00:34:59,224 --> 00:35:04,313
that we all woke up in that's confusing
that none of us asked for."
455
00:35:05,772 --> 00:35:09,151
"And then no more bullshits."
456
00:35:09,234 --> 00:35:12,905
"It's a one-time bullshit deal."
457
00:35:12,988 --> 00:35:17,034
What? Nothing makes fucking sense.
Life makes no sense.
458
00:35:17,117 --> 00:35:22,289
You're on a planet right now.
You think you're in America? Zoom out.
459
00:35:24,249 --> 00:35:28,629
You're on a space rock floating
in nothingness, infinite nothingness.
460
00:35:28,795 --> 00:35:31,423
And the infinite nothingness
is expanding.
461
00:35:31,507 --> 00:35:34,384
That means endlessness
is getting bigger.
462
00:35:34,468 --> 00:35:37,179
That makes no fucking sense.
463
00:35:38,931 --> 00:35:42,476
We all just act like it's normal, like,
"Everything's made of molecules."
464
00:35:42,643 --> 00:35:44,436
"Okay."
465
00:35:45,354 --> 00:35:49,733
"Got it.
I'll never think about that again."
466
00:35:49,816 --> 00:35:54,071
I'm made of molecules, you're made of
molecules. The air between us, too.
467
00:35:54,154 --> 00:35:58,492
That makes no fucking sense. These
molecules know they're molecules?
468
00:35:58,575 --> 00:36:03,580
These molecules are like, "I'm Pete."
That doesn't make any sense.
469
00:36:03,664 --> 00:36:07,876
This stool is made of molecules,
the same molecules in my hand.
470
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:12,214
Some of the molecules in this stool
went into me while I've been talking.
471
00:36:12,381 --> 00:36:14,883
And some that were me
have gone into this stool.
472
00:36:14,967 --> 00:36:19,263
And when I knock these molecules into
these molecules, when we ask Science,
473
00:36:19,346 --> 00:36:22,891
"Why don't they go through each
other?" You know what the answer is?
474
00:36:22,975 --> 00:36:25,686
We don't know.
475
00:36:29,565 --> 00:36:33,819
That doesn't make any fucking sense.
476
00:36:35,112 --> 00:36:39,324
I'm open to anything.
If I died... Listen to me,
477
00:36:39,408 --> 00:36:45,038
if I died and it was just kitty cat
Thanksgiving, I'd be like, "Yeah. OK."
478
00:36:45,122 --> 00:36:49,418
"Makes about as much sense as the
fucking conundrum I was just stuck in."
479
00:36:49,501 --> 00:36:52,045
"Pass the gravy."
480
00:37:00,596 --> 00:37:03,098
I'm not saying it's for sure.
I'm just saying it's worth debating.
481
00:37:03,182 --> 00:37:06,310
It makes me wonder like, I wonder
as a thought experiment
482
00:37:06,393 --> 00:37:09,980
if we were somewhere before we were
here, if we were just mist,
483
00:37:10,063 --> 00:37:13,525
each of you didn't have a body, we're
just mist. You were just awareness.
484
00:37:13,609 --> 00:37:17,029
If we were all just hanging out
in some sort of primordial area,
485
00:37:17,112 --> 00:37:20,073
just debating the existence of life.
486
00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:22,492
He's like, "You believe in life?"
487
00:37:23,702 --> 00:37:25,787
"Get real!"
488
00:37:27,039 --> 00:37:31,168
"You think there's hotdogs
and roller skates?" "You're a child."
489
00:37:32,628 --> 00:37:35,214
"Didn't you go to college?"
490
00:37:37,591 --> 00:37:42,095
Don't get me wrong, nothing is
absolutely one of the choices.
491
00:37:42,179 --> 00:37:48,185
I see that for sure. And I'm not afraid
of nothing. I'm not afraid of nothing.
492
00:37:48,268 --> 00:37:50,521
Who fucking cares? It's nothing.
If you're nothing, but you're like,
493
00:37:50,604 --> 00:37:53,649
"I don't wanna be nothing,"
you won't be there.
494
00:37:53,732 --> 00:37:57,819
Just jump off the high dive into soft,
dark soil and you're like, "Bye, Pete."
495
00:37:57,903 --> 00:38:00,572
Like, "Fine."
496
00:38:01,865 --> 00:38:04,826
"I just don't wanna go to hell."
497
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:12,167
There's no hell.
498
00:38:19,091 --> 00:38:22,469
Be reasonable.
There's no fucking hell.
499
00:38:28,475 --> 00:38:31,520
Don't wanna be wrong about that one.
500
00:38:33,063 --> 00:38:37,025
If there is a hell, I don't think
the worst part will be the torture.
501
00:38:37,192 --> 00:38:42,239
The worst part would be that we don't
get breaks to talk about the torture.
502
00:38:45,450 --> 00:38:47,619
I think that's what would make it hell.
503
00:38:47,703 --> 00:38:50,247
Like if they would blow a whistle
every 20 minutes.
504
00:38:50,330 --> 00:38:54,501
And we all just gather in a common
area, drink boiling water.
505
00:38:56,086 --> 00:38:57,796
Just like,
"What are they doing to you?"
506
00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,633
I'll say, "Oh, yeah. I'm in a room
with millions of little crabs.
507
00:39:05,888 --> 00:39:08,348
It's like tiny little crabs
and they're eating me real slow."
508
00:39:08,515 --> 00:39:13,187
"Oh, yeah. With their little nibbles?"
"Yeah. Yeah. The little nibbles."
509
00:39:15,105 --> 00:39:19,484
"What are they doing to you?"
"Oh, I'm getting fucked by a donkey."
510
00:39:22,029 --> 00:39:25,866
Yeah.
They're running out of ideas down here.
511
00:39:25,949 --> 00:39:28,535
It's been a while.
We're falling in love.
512
00:39:33,165 --> 00:39:37,544
I think... I think that
might be my heaven.
513
00:39:37,711 --> 00:39:42,674
Like suffering then talking about it,
suffering then talking about it.
514
00:39:42,758 --> 00:39:46,345
Like what we're doing here.
You know what I'm saying?
515
00:39:54,311 --> 00:39:58,982
What if the last words of the Bible
where you had to be there? What if.
516
00:40:04,196 --> 00:40:08,534
Yeah, to the end, it really would've
made more sense if you saw this.
517
00:40:10,619 --> 00:40:13,705
One of my career goals is to open
a Christian buffet called,
518
00:40:13,789 --> 00:40:16,917
"God helps those that help themselves."
519
00:40:21,046 --> 00:40:23,215
Oh, let's do that.
This is something I wanna do.
520
00:40:23,298 --> 00:40:26,593
On the count of three,
don't say anything.
521
00:40:26,677 --> 00:40:29,096
Don't say anything.
But just check if you have to pee.
522
00:40:29,179 --> 00:40:31,098
All of us are gonna do it.
523
00:40:31,265 --> 00:40:34,393
At the same time, we're all gonna
check. Don't say anything.
524
00:40:34,476 --> 00:40:37,145
Three, two, one.
Check if you have to pee.
525
00:40:51,451 --> 00:40:53,745
What was that?
526
00:40:57,958 --> 00:41:01,420
I'm serious. What did you just do?
527
00:41:01,587 --> 00:41:03,630
Let's just do it again, especially if
you didn't do it the first time.
528
00:41:03,714 --> 00:41:07,176
Three, two, one. Check if
you have to pee. What.
529
00:41:10,429 --> 00:41:16,310
What action did you just command?
You're like, "Okay, go down."
530
00:41:16,393 --> 00:41:19,021
"Send something down."
531
00:41:20,189 --> 00:41:22,733
Like most of the time you're up here.
532
00:41:22,816 --> 00:41:27,571
Who you are is behind your eyes and you
just sort of puppeteer your body.
533
00:41:27,654 --> 00:41:30,908
You just kind of dangling down there
like a marionette. You're like,
534
00:41:30,991 --> 00:41:34,119
"Get that diet coke. Send the arm."
535
00:41:36,955 --> 00:41:39,833
"Give it to us."
536
00:41:42,836 --> 00:41:47,382
But every time you check if you have to
pee, you send a little piece of you
537
00:41:47,466 --> 00:41:50,802
rappelling down
on a reconnaissance mission
538
00:41:50,886 --> 00:41:55,265
to your dick or your pussy
and you're just like...
539
00:41:59,686 --> 00:42:02,564
Thirty percent, I'd say like,
twenty more minutes.
540
00:42:03,982 --> 00:42:07,569
I'm so tired of not talking about this.
541
00:42:07,653 --> 00:42:10,155
Your brain is weird.
542
00:42:10,239 --> 00:42:13,784
Your brain has eyes like you have eyes.
543
00:42:13,867 --> 00:42:17,871
But your brain also has eyes that see
things that only you can see.
544
00:42:17,955 --> 00:42:22,751
Like picture an orange, keep your eyes
open but picture an orange, the fuck.
545
00:42:25,379 --> 00:42:29,007
Like really do it. Keep 'em open
but think really hard about an orange.
546
00:42:29,091 --> 00:42:32,469
What the shit.
Just for a second.
547
00:42:32,553 --> 00:42:36,557
Just a giant orange. I don't know how
big yours was. Mine was giant.
548
00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:40,519
She's a giant translucent orange
that only you can see.
549
00:42:40,686 --> 00:42:43,313
God, I hope you're stoned.
550
00:42:44,064 --> 00:42:45,816
God, I hope you're stoned.
551
00:42:45,899 --> 00:42:48,986
But why do you have to be stoned for
this to be interesting?
552
00:42:49,152 --> 00:42:51,655
Like your brain has ears.
553
00:42:51,738 --> 00:42:54,241
Seriously, it has ears. You have ears.
Your brain also has ears.
554
00:42:54,408 --> 00:42:56,952
Sing a happy birthday in your head.
We'll all do it.
555
00:42:57,035 --> 00:43:00,747
Everybody sing happy birthday
in your head right now.
556
00:43:19,766 --> 00:43:22,352
How are you hearing that?
557
00:43:22,436 --> 00:43:25,814
I'm serious. What the fuck is going
on? It's so normal. We're just like,
558
00:43:25,981 --> 00:43:29,151
"Yeah. I could hear it. No one else
could hear it. I can hear it."
559
00:43:29,234 --> 00:43:33,906
This is a part of you listening like,
"Yeah. Happy birthday."
560
00:43:35,824 --> 00:43:38,869
What's going on? Make it louder.
Let's sing it again
561
00:43:38,952 --> 00:43:43,081
but make it as loud as you
possibly can. Ready? Go.
562
00:43:57,262 --> 00:44:00,516
Was it louder?
Clap if you think it was louder.
563
00:44:03,685 --> 00:44:10,192
Clap if it wasn't louder, the voice was
just going... "Happy birth..."
564
00:44:14,905 --> 00:44:17,950
Okay. So you can't make it louder?
565
00:44:18,033 --> 00:44:21,453
There's just a set volume
for your thoughts?
566
00:44:21,537 --> 00:44:25,541
How do you know your set volume
is the same as my set volume?
567
00:44:25,624 --> 00:44:29,503
Maybe to some people, it's louder.
Maybe that's what crazy people are.
568
00:44:29,586 --> 00:44:33,340
They're not crazy
but they just have a fucked up volume.
569
00:44:33,423 --> 00:44:38,345
They're walking around and then just
like, "Buy a hammer." "All right!"
570
00:44:45,394 --> 00:44:48,146
"Kill that pigeon. It's your dad."
"Okay."
571
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,819
"With the hammer?" "Yes."
572
00:45:00,325 --> 00:45:03,245
I was having a lunch
with a friend of mine. He's black.
573
00:45:03,412 --> 00:45:08,083
I'll tell you his black for a reason.
He kept saying the N word.
574
00:45:09,168 --> 00:45:11,712
He said it like, 30 times.
He didn't say the word.
575
00:45:11,795 --> 00:45:15,632
He kept saying "The N word."
576
00:45:15,716 --> 00:45:17,801
I was like, "Yeah. Hey,
577
00:45:18,594 --> 00:45:20,345
that's our phrase."
578
00:45:27,102 --> 00:45:31,315
Some of you are sitting
that one out. I can see that.
579
00:45:32,107 --> 00:45:34,067
There's a pheromone
white people release
580
00:45:34,151 --> 00:45:36,528
when they're not sure if they can
laugh at a joke. They're like,
581
00:45:36,612 --> 00:45:42,534
"I heard the words necessary to make
a racist joke, gonna take a pause."
582
00:45:42,618 --> 00:45:46,371
"We'll laugh in the Audi,
it'll be fine. It'll be fine."
583
00:45:49,208 --> 00:45:53,003
I think it's interesting though,
it's 2018, there's still some racists.
584
00:45:53,086 --> 00:45:56,215
It's totally fine to be racist towards.
I didn't mean like, hate speech.
585
00:45:56,298 --> 00:46:01,512
I mean casual, socially acceptable
racism. Like towards Italians.
586
00:46:01,595 --> 00:46:03,680
Why is that okay?
You all know what I'm talking about.
587
00:46:03,764 --> 00:46:06,600
I can be with my Italian friends,
it's totally fine for me to be like,
588
00:46:06,683 --> 00:46:12,022
"You wanna go to a pizza pie?"
589
00:46:16,985 --> 00:46:19,863
What the fuck?
Why is that okay?
590
00:46:19,947 --> 00:46:22,199
"Oh, linguini with clams."
591
00:46:22,282 --> 00:46:27,079
I know a lot of you are Italian,
I'm not Italian.
592
00:46:27,162 --> 00:46:29,748
No one's gonna tweet about this.
593
00:46:29,831 --> 00:46:33,752
This is not a controversy, it's fine.
It's in our video games.
594
00:46:33,836 --> 00:46:37,381
"It's a me, Mario."
595
00:46:40,384 --> 00:46:41,927
It's a me?
596
00:46:43,387 --> 00:46:48,559
It's a me, just an impression of an
immigrant struggling with the language.
597
00:46:52,187 --> 00:46:56,400
"I'mma Luigi, I'mma gonna win ah."
598
00:46:56,567 --> 00:46:59,152
Don't tease him, he's new here.
599
00:47:00,612 --> 00:47:03,866
Help him find the bus,
help him find work.
600
00:47:04,032 --> 00:47:06,535
Why is that okay?
It's, like, a weird blind spot.
601
00:47:06,618 --> 00:47:08,579
You can't say horrow.
602
00:47:10,831 --> 00:47:15,085
I agree, why is it fine to be, like,
"Ah, Giuseppi." Like, it's crazy.
603
00:47:15,169 --> 00:47:18,964
They'll make a madman type show about
this time that we're in now.
604
00:47:19,047 --> 00:47:24,219
We're all gonna watch and be, like,
"Things we're different." It's now.
605
00:47:24,303 --> 00:47:28,557
Things are different now. We're living
through a weird fucking time right now.
606
00:47:31,768 --> 00:47:34,479
Enjoy it three more years.
607
00:47:37,691 --> 00:47:39,902
We are living in the future...
608
00:47:39,985 --> 00:47:43,155
Now we are, now. Now.
609
00:47:43,238 --> 00:47:46,450
Now it is future.
Now. Now is the future.
610
00:47:47,701 --> 00:47:49,369
Now.
611
00:47:50,454 --> 00:47:52,539
You know what I think it's fucking
crazy about living now?
612
00:47:52,623 --> 00:47:55,751
Elon Musk, you know,
the crazy billionaire dude?
613
00:47:55,834 --> 00:47:59,296
Invented the self-driving car?
614
00:47:59,379 --> 00:48:02,925
It's crazy. This isn't something
they're working on, they made it.
615
00:48:03,008 --> 00:48:07,387
They have a self-driving car now.
What I think is funny about that?
616
00:48:07,471 --> 00:48:10,891
It doesn't matter how fancy an
invention Elon Musk makes,
617
00:48:10,974 --> 00:48:13,810
he's still just one of these.
618
00:48:13,894 --> 00:48:18,524
Does that make sense? He's stuck in
one of these meat puppets?
619
00:48:18,607 --> 00:48:22,027
Just like you and me,
just like a baboon. He's just a guy,
620
00:48:22,110 --> 00:48:26,698
just going around. There's some things
you can't upgrade, is my point.
621
00:48:26,782 --> 00:48:29,993
He's working on impossible math to make
a self-driving car
622
00:48:30,077 --> 00:48:32,663
but when he gets hungry
there's no technology.
623
00:48:32,829 --> 00:48:37,292
He just goes, "There's a rumble
in my jumble." Like, he just feels...
624
00:48:38,585 --> 00:48:41,880
Just like you and me, he just goes,
"No, I've got to eat."
625
00:48:41,964 --> 00:48:45,342
Then he gets a plate.
That's the height of technology.
626
00:48:45,425 --> 00:48:48,554
A plate,
just a level surface for his food,
627
00:48:48,637 --> 00:48:51,682
with a piece of salmon on it
and he wants that salmon in him
628
00:48:51,849 --> 00:48:55,978
but it's too big.
So he gets a fork and a knife,
629
00:48:56,061 --> 00:48:57,938
that's the height of the technology,
630
00:48:58,105 --> 00:49:03,151
he cuts it into a mouth-size piece,
and he goes "That's about right."
631
00:49:03,235 --> 00:49:05,362
It's too hot so he goes...
632
00:49:06,989 --> 00:49:11,785
He can't upgrade this, he just had to
go, "Now wind activate."
633
00:49:13,203 --> 00:49:15,789
And he puts it in his mouth
and gnaws it...
634
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:22,462
He swallows it like a fucking pelican
because that's the best he can do.
635
00:49:25,340 --> 00:49:26,967
You understand? He can't upgrade this.
636
00:49:27,134 --> 00:49:29,845
When has to shit, he doesn't have
a contact lens that goes, like,
637
00:49:29,928 --> 00:49:33,640
"Elon, shit detected."
638
00:49:33,724 --> 00:49:38,437
He just feels it, like you and me,
he just goes, that's not gas.
639
00:49:40,272 --> 00:49:42,441
I feel shame.
640
00:49:43,483 --> 00:49:46,195
I feel shame and I wanna be alone.
641
00:49:47,738 --> 00:49:50,365
So he makes an excuse
with his egghead friends, he's, like,
642
00:49:50,449 --> 00:49:53,827
"I have to make a phone call."
But no, he doesn't.
643
00:49:53,911 --> 00:49:58,248
He has to go in a little room and squat
on a bowl that's filled with water.
644
00:49:58,332 --> 00:50:02,044
That's the best we can do.
That is the height of the technology.
645
00:50:02,127 --> 00:50:06,507
It's a bowl filled with water and he
squats like an ostrich in the Serengeti
646
00:50:06,590 --> 00:50:08,509
and he bears down, he goes,
647
00:50:08,675 --> 00:50:12,971
"Elon push.
Don't you back away from me right now."
648
00:50:13,055 --> 00:50:16,683
This is what he fucking does. He pushes
and he hears a plop, plop, plop,
649
00:50:16,767 --> 00:50:19,895
and that's how he knows
progress is being made.
650
00:50:21,271 --> 00:50:25,734
And then when he thinks he's done
and he's not always right...
651
00:50:27,277 --> 00:50:31,281
When he thinks he's done, he gets
paper, that's the best we have,
652
00:50:31,365 --> 00:50:34,576
paper from Ancient Egypt.
653
00:50:35,410 --> 00:50:39,790
And he wipes his shitty ass
and then he looks at it.
654
00:50:42,125 --> 00:50:44,461
So you fucking pull away from me.
655
00:50:44,545 --> 00:50:50,008
Everyone here knows there's no better
method than the wipe and the look.
656
00:50:50,092 --> 00:50:53,470
The old wipe and look.
He goes wipe, wipe, wipe,
657
00:50:53,637 --> 00:50:57,224
and then he goes, "Whoa,
I got some work ahead of me."
658
00:50:58,559 --> 00:51:02,312
He goes wipe, wipe, wipe,
getting there.
659
00:51:02,479 --> 00:51:06,650
Wipe, wipe, wipe,
clean but I don't trust it.
660
00:51:06,817 --> 00:51:10,988
Wipe, wipe, wipe, "Whoa, good thing
I didn't stop while I was ahead."
661
00:51:13,699 --> 00:51:17,119
And then he gets to what he considers
an Elon level of clean.
662
00:51:17,286 --> 00:51:23,125
He washes his hands, gets in his car
and goes, po-poop! "Home."
663
00:51:28,255 --> 00:51:29,548
Crazy.
664
00:51:34,970 --> 00:51:37,431
All porn happened in the past.
665
00:51:41,727 --> 00:51:45,564
Like, I know there's cams and stuff
but for the most part it was earlier.
666
00:51:45,647 --> 00:51:47,107
Like, we're ahead of them.
667
00:51:47,274 --> 00:51:50,194
Like, we're now, and they're then.
They're, like, back then.
668
00:51:50,277 --> 00:51:54,156
We know shit they don't know.
They're back then, like...
669
00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:57,993
"Oh, what if Hillary is gonna win?"
Like, they don't know.
670
00:51:59,453 --> 00:52:03,332
"When's the McRib coming back?"
They're in the dark.
671
00:52:03,415 --> 00:52:08,212
We're the dumdums that are home,
just going, it's now in my mind.
672
00:52:10,506 --> 00:52:14,593
But I'm off porn. I go off and on,
it's hard, it's addictive
673
00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:18,096
but I knew I had to go off because the
last time I was watching... using it,
674
00:52:18,180 --> 00:52:20,474
I don't know what you say.
675
00:52:20,557 --> 00:52:22,935
Was watching it, I was mastur...
I was masturbating,
676
00:52:23,018 --> 00:52:26,146
It'd be weird if I was just like "Aha."
677
00:52:32,611 --> 00:52:36,156
I was masturbating and went...
I'm sorry.
678
00:52:37,241 --> 00:52:41,078
And when I was finishing...
I didn't give the order to say anything
679
00:52:41,161 --> 00:52:45,415
but I involuntarily... while I was
coming, I went, "Oh, not worth it."
680
00:52:52,631 --> 00:52:56,802
Because it wasn't. It wasn't worth it.
681
00:52:56,885 --> 00:53:00,597
That dirty feeling I had to carry
around with me the rest of the day?
682
00:53:00,681 --> 00:53:03,767
I had to go to the post office.
There's kids and old women there,
683
00:53:03,851 --> 00:53:07,938
I have to be like,
"I'm not a monster", like I had to.
684
00:53:11,316 --> 00:53:14,194
I have to be off porn though because
it's the acting.
685
00:53:14,361 --> 00:53:16,572
One of the things that really ruins it
for me is the acting.
686
00:53:16,655 --> 00:53:19,116
I don't even mean the acting before
the sex, where they're, like,
687
00:53:19,199 --> 00:53:22,536
"I have a pizza for Misty."
Like, not that.
688
00:53:24,454 --> 00:53:27,833
I'm talking about the acting during
the sex. For the most part it's normal
689
00:53:27,916 --> 00:53:32,212
but every once in a while you come
across someone that's overdoing it.
690
00:53:32,296 --> 00:53:37,426
The last one I saw, this is an accurate
impression. I'll send you the link.
691
00:53:42,014 --> 00:53:45,809
So woman was going nuts.
So regular sexing, just normal stuff,
692
00:53:45,893 --> 00:53:48,061
and she was going...
693
00:53:53,108 --> 00:53:54,776
She's going...
694
00:54:01,909 --> 00:54:04,036
"Fuck that pussy."
695
00:54:06,830 --> 00:54:10,834
I'm not even exaggerating.
"Fuck that pussy."
696
00:54:11,001 --> 00:54:14,171
Like, in the scene before,
she was normal, she's, like, "Hello."
697
00:54:14,254 --> 00:54:16,131
And then when the sex...
698
00:54:18,217 --> 00:54:22,721
Like, what are you doing?
Have you had sex before?
699
00:54:23,722 --> 00:54:28,685
This isn't an exorcism.
People are trying to masturbate.
700
00:54:34,274 --> 00:54:39,696
There's no script, we let you improvise
and this is what you come in with?
701
00:54:39,780 --> 00:54:41,615
Did she rehearse that?
702
00:54:41,698 --> 00:54:46,370
In her trailer in front of the mirror
before just, like, "I'll be right out."
703
00:55:06,139 --> 00:55:08,433
Seems racist.
704
00:55:21,154 --> 00:55:25,868
"Fuck that pussy."
Nope, nope, not quite right.
705
00:55:25,951 --> 00:55:29,496
"Fuck that pussy."
706
00:55:29,997 --> 00:55:32,332
I'm ready!
707
00:55:32,958 --> 00:55:35,169
Portland.
708
00:55:35,335 --> 00:55:39,673
Thank you so, so, so, much.
709
00:55:40,424 --> 00:55:43,343
Best crowd I've had in a long time.
710
00:55:43,427 --> 00:55:46,180
I mean that. Thank you. Thank you.
711
00:55:48,473 --> 00:55:50,684
Thank you guys. Keep it crispy.
712
00:55:52,186 --> 00:55:53,395
Be good. Good night.
62990
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