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1
00:00:00,031 --> 00:00:02,969
Jizz, I think we might have missed
our turnoff.
2
00:00:03,031 --> 00:00:05,485
- Well, have we all haven't we?
- This map's a total dickhead.
3
00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:07,484
There's tons of shit that's just not on it.
4
00:00:07,547 --> 00:00:10,238
Like that tree.
Or that plough over there.
5
00:00:10,301 --> 00:00:13,759
- Do I need to turn the cart around or not?
- We'll be fine.
6
00:00:13,822 --> 00:00:16,789
Fine?
As in we'll definitely end up in Tuscany?
7
00:00:16,852 --> 00:00:19,501
Yeah, I reckon.
All this blue bit's at the side.
8
00:00:19,564 --> 00:00:21,470
Blue bit?
Do you mean the sea?!
9
00:00:21,532 --> 00:00:23,790
Oh, yeah, I do like to
be beside the seaside.
10
00:00:23,852 --> 00:00:25,150
- No, that is not what...
- Oh, yes!
11
00:00:25,212 --> 00:00:27,449
I'll have a pint of prawns
and a nap on the beach.
12
00:00:27,512 --> 00:00:29,688
Or a shag on the beach with a local hottie.
13
00:00:29,751 --> 00:00:32,432
- That's what I call a holiday!
- It's not a holiday! How many times?!
14
00:00:32,494 --> 00:00:35,790
It's a business trip.
To buy wine from a vineyard in Tuscany.
15
00:00:35,852 --> 00:00:39,790
All right, chill, got it.
Tuscany. Not a holiday.
16
00:00:39,852 --> 00:00:42,394
- So are we going the right way or not?
- We've missed our turnoff.
17
00:00:42,456 --> 00:00:44,538
- Oh, you howling prick!
- Hey!
18
00:00:44,601 --> 00:00:46,159
- Give it here!
- Get off!
19
00:00:53,567 --> 00:00:55,969
That pig weren't on the map either.
20
00:00:56,117 --> 00:01:00,717
Sync and corrections: minouhse
www.addic7ed.com.
21
00:01:12,635 --> 00:01:14,657
Well, the wheel's a write-off.
22
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,573
Oh, good. Because there's bound
to be a mechanic around here.
23
00:01:17,635 --> 00:01:20,404
The pig's a write-off and all,
by the sound of things.
24
00:01:20,467 --> 00:01:24,109
Oh, dear. Let's do the decent
thing and put it out of its misery.
25
00:01:24,172 --> 00:01:25,573
Sure?
I'm happy to eat it.
26
00:01:25,635 --> 00:01:27,652
No, there is nothing decent about that.
27
00:01:27,715 --> 00:01:30,172
Let's just give it a quick,
painless death and press on.
28
00:01:30,235 --> 00:01:33,549
- Yeah, cool. Go on, then.
- I'm not doing it, you do it.
29
00:01:33,612 --> 00:01:35,771
Your shitty map reading's the
only reason we're on this road.
30
00:01:35,833 --> 00:01:38,262
All right, aggy, I will.
31
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,098
All right, come on, Mr Piggy,
let's get this over with.
32
00:01:44,282 --> 00:01:46,458
I wish I'd got that
extra collision cover now.
33
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:50,098
- It's a right old rip-off, though, isn't it?
- This is how these rental companies get you.
34
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,869
If you want to be fully insured,
you have to pay a fortune up front.
35
00:01:52,931 --> 00:01:55,098
So you decide to risk it, and
then, if you do have an accident,
36
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,358
you have to pay 'em even more.
It's just brutal.
37
00:01:58,491 --> 00:02:00,260
I feel your pain, boss.
38
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,897
- It's a bit sleepy, innit?
- Don't oversell it,
39
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,440
it's deader than that pig.
In the end.
40
00:02:10,503 --> 00:02:13,596
Yeah, sorry, it put up a bit of a fight.
41
00:02:13,659 --> 00:02:15,721
Do you reckon they know
how to fix carts here?
42
00:02:15,784 --> 00:02:18,076
I doubt they know how to
make fire here, Grumio.
43
00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,919
Or walk on two legs.
44
00:02:19,982 --> 00:02:22,172
- You fellas lost or summat?
- Hey.
45
00:02:22,235 --> 00:02:24,846
Yeah, we had a bit of a
prang in the road back there.
46
00:02:24,909 --> 00:02:28,309
- So I see. You're a right old state.
- He's fine.
47
00:02:28,372 --> 00:02:30,765
It's actually our wheel
we're more concerned about.
48
00:02:31,405 --> 00:02:33,660
That's a nasty one, that is.
49
00:02:33,746 --> 00:02:36,847
Dad!
Come look at this here.
50
00:02:36,909 --> 00:02:39,207
Oh, that's a nasty one, that is.
51
00:02:39,269 --> 00:02:41,887
Yes, thank you, we're
aware of how "narsty" it is.
52
00:02:41,949 --> 00:02:44,847
We're more trying to get it
repaired so we can get onto Tuscany
53
00:02:44,909 --> 00:02:46,170
before dark, ideally.
54
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:49,502
All, right, well, we'll give it a go.
You'll need some new spokes, mind.
55
00:02:49,565 --> 00:02:52,187
- Really, you can fix this?
- Yeah, I'll get my man onto it.
56
00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:54,191
I don't know if he can do
it by nightfall, though.
57
00:02:54,253 --> 00:02:56,109
Thanks so much.
I'm Marcus, by the way.
58
00:02:56,172 --> 00:02:58,003
- This is Jason and Grumio.
- Hey.
59
00:02:58,066 --> 00:03:01,847
I'm Atlas, this is my daughter, Calypso.
Welcome to Soggy Ditch.
60
00:03:01,909 --> 00:03:04,474
Here, if you're hanging about,
you boys should join us for dinner.
61
00:03:04,537 --> 00:03:06,292
We should, I completely agree.
62
00:03:06,355 --> 00:03:08,954
Right, Cally, tell Nanna we've
got three more need feeding.
63
00:03:09,017 --> 00:03:10,678
I believe she's down vineyard.
64
00:03:10,741 --> 00:03:13,015
- Right you are.
- Sorry, you have a vineyard?
65
00:03:13,078 --> 00:03:16,006
Yeah, we make the best wine in
the valley, if I do say so myself.
66
00:03:16,069 --> 00:03:18,534
Here, bide where you be, and I shows you.
67
00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:20,015
Come on, you.
68
00:03:20,188 --> 00:03:22,616
Let's get to you seen to and all.
69
00:03:22,679 --> 00:03:25,096
Oh, yeah, do see to me.
70
00:03:27,909 --> 00:03:31,602
- You a wine lover, then, are you, Marcus?
- You could say that, Atlas.
71
00:03:31,665 --> 00:03:35,701
Full disclosure, we actually run
the swankiest wine bar in Rome.
72
00:03:35,764 --> 00:03:38,485
That's why we're on our way to Tuscany,
to stock up the old cellar.
73
00:03:38,548 --> 00:03:40,990
Oh, well, then, you'll need
to give me your expert opinion.
74
00:03:41,052 --> 00:03:43,295
I don't know bugger all about all that.
75
00:03:43,358 --> 00:03:44,735
By all means.
76
00:03:47,909 --> 00:03:49,207
Oh, yeah.
77
00:03:49,269 --> 00:03:52,564
That's got a lovely big nose.
78
00:03:52,627 --> 00:03:56,436
- Yeah.
- Long legs, a good body, generally.
79
00:03:56,499 --> 00:03:58,847
Right-oh.
I don't know how it compares
80
00:03:58,909 --> 00:04:01,977
to your lush Tuscan stuff, mind.
Apart from the difference in price.
81
00:04:03,003 --> 00:04:05,546
Yeah, well, Tuscan stuff
is lush, you're not wrong, but
82
00:04:05,609 --> 00:04:07,309
is it too lush?
83
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,367
I honestly wonder whether my customers
84
00:04:09,429 --> 00:04:11,847
wouldn't prefer something
more earthy and cheap,
85
00:04:11,909 --> 00:04:14,393
- like, well, this.
- What?!
86
00:04:14,456 --> 00:04:17,229
Well, I ain't never sold my
wine outside the village before.
87
00:04:17,292 --> 00:04:19,701
You think them snooty,
shitty folks might go for it?
88
00:04:19,909 --> 00:04:24,126
If it came with a personal recommendation
from Marcus Gallo, they would.
89
00:04:24,189 --> 00:04:27,847
I tell you what, you do me
a deal for a few barrels now,
90
00:04:27,909 --> 00:04:31,002
and if it sells, I'll come
back for a few hundred later.
91
00:04:31,065 --> 00:04:32,847
A few hundred?!
92
00:04:32,909 --> 00:04:36,008
God!
I'll drink to that!
93
00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:49,772
You're one of them Roman buggers
joining us for dinner, then, are you?
94
00:04:49,835 --> 00:04:51,324
I am, yeah.
Grumio.
95
00:04:51,387 --> 00:04:55,488
- What is for dinner, please?
- Beef and truffle stew.
96
00:04:59,996 --> 00:05:02,624
Now, then, that is extremely scrummy.
97
00:05:02,687 --> 00:05:04,847
- Beef and what, sorry?
- Truffle.
98
00:05:04,909 --> 00:05:09,036
Our local treasure.
Don't tell me you never had 'em.
99
00:05:09,099 --> 00:05:12,386
I have not, no.
This is not a food I recognise.
100
00:05:12,449 --> 00:05:14,685
What are you playing at?!
101
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,847
You're only meant to have shavings.
102
00:05:16,909 --> 00:05:19,847
Oh, well, shavings aren't
really a quantity I recognise.
103
00:05:19,925 --> 00:05:24,409
- Go on, give us another bite.
- No, get off with you. Shoo! Go on!
104
00:05:33,673 --> 00:05:36,847
So then I said,
"How about I take 20 barrels for 200?"
105
00:05:36,909 --> 00:05:38,691
Which is half of what
we'd have paid in Tuscany.
106
00:05:38,753 --> 00:05:41,449
- Magic. And what's the wine like?
- Yeah, seems fine.
107
00:05:41,512 --> 00:05:43,847
- I mean, I have no idea, obviously.
- It's red, it's wet,
108
00:05:43,909 --> 00:05:45,846
it's getting me lashed, what's not to like?
109
00:05:45,909 --> 00:05:48,893
Beef and truffle stew!
110
00:05:49,322 --> 00:05:52,898
With roast tatties and buttered cabbage.
111
00:05:53,665 --> 00:05:57,153
If it's okay with you boys,
we like to offer thanks before we eat.
112
00:05:59,090 --> 00:06:01,847
To Mother Earth for giving
us the fruit of our soil
113
00:06:01,909 --> 00:06:05,758
and the flesh of our flock that we'll
enjoy together tonight. Amen.
114
00:06:05,821 --> 00:06:08,047
And also to, not Mother Earth, per se,
115
00:06:08,109 --> 00:06:10,241
but, well, our lucky stars we had a prang
116
00:06:10,304 --> 00:06:13,032
so close to Soggy Ditch
and this wonderful family.
117
00:06:13,095 --> 00:06:14,847
- Love it!
- To new friends.
118
00:06:14,909 --> 00:06:17,384
And to no more chitchat so
I can eat my truffly stew.
119
00:06:18,017 --> 00:06:20,047
- Master?
- Sorry to barge in like this.
120
00:06:20,109 --> 00:06:22,757
That's all right, Vulcan, what is it, lad?
121
00:06:22,820 --> 00:06:24,939
I just wanted to say I'm
done mending the wheel
122
00:06:25,001 --> 00:06:28,183
- if your guests care to be leaving.
- Oh, right, fantastic.
123
00:06:28,246 --> 00:06:30,847
That's okay, though, thanks.
We're in no rush...
124
00:06:30,948 --> 00:06:32,434
now we've got our wine.
125
00:06:32,521 --> 00:06:33,959
As you are, then.
126
00:06:35,237 --> 00:06:38,483
I've not seen Caesar lately.
I'm worried something's happened to him.
127
00:06:38,546 --> 00:06:40,847
Caesar?
He was stabbed to death 20 years ago.
128
00:06:40,909 --> 00:06:44,699
- Did the news not make it here?
- No, no, no, Caesar's the name of our pig.
129
00:06:45,351 --> 00:06:46,905
He's not come in for his tea, sir.
130
00:06:46,968 --> 00:06:49,206
Oh, it's unlike old
Greedy Guts to skip a meal.
131
00:06:49,269 --> 00:06:52,349
Don't you worry, he'll be snuffling
away in his trough come morning.
132
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,847
I'm sure he will.
Maybe we should get going now,
133
00:06:54,909 --> 00:06:58,015
- in fact, while it's still light.
- It won't stay light for long.
134
00:06:58,078 --> 00:07:02,065
Sun drops fast round here.
You boys should stay over, I say.
135
00:07:02,128 --> 00:07:05,492
- Very sensible. Yeah, I agree.
- And you've too much wine in you, lad.
136
00:07:05,554 --> 00:07:07,984
We don't want you having
another prang, now, do we?
137
00:07:14,728 --> 00:07:18,121
So this area here, we call "the forum".
138
00:07:18,184 --> 00:07:20,108
No way!
We've got one of them in Rome.
139
00:07:20,171 --> 00:07:22,847
Go on!
I dunno what you do in your one,
140
00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:25,975
but here's where we have
all our big get-togethers.
141
00:07:26,038 --> 00:07:28,788
We once had 25 people here.
142
00:07:29,608 --> 00:07:31,285
That's Old Tree there.
143
00:07:31,348 --> 00:07:34,847
Then, down by here is
our famous Soggy Ditch.
144
00:07:34,909 --> 00:07:38,254
No way! This is it?
Cor, I'm starstruck!
145
00:07:38,317 --> 00:07:40,721
So is it always soggy,
like, even now in summer?
146
00:07:41,151 --> 00:07:42,461
You tell me.
147
00:07:46,804 --> 00:07:49,367
Really?!
You want to do this here, now?
148
00:07:49,429 --> 00:07:53,213
We've reached the end of our tour,
so there's bugger all else to do.
149
00:07:53,276 --> 00:07:55,577
But, I mean, in the actual ditch?
150
00:08:00,121 --> 00:08:02,184
Yeah, it is quite soggy, to be fair.
151
00:08:11,239 --> 00:08:12,661
Stop hogging the covers, Grumio.
152
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:16,619
- I like having summat between my legs.
- And I like having something on my body.
153
00:08:16,682 --> 00:08:18,847
Can you stop making
that weird sucking noise?
154
00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:21,242
- It's like sleeping in a sink.
- Soz.
155
00:08:21,875 --> 00:08:25,527
I'm just searching my teeth for
bits of truffle. I want more.
156
00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:26,988
- I'm gonna get more.
- No, you're not.
157
00:08:27,051 --> 00:08:29,153
You're going to sleep so
we can leave first thing.
158
00:08:29,216 --> 00:08:32,909
Just dream about truffles instead.
With less covers.
159
00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:56,109
Bingo.
160
00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,475
So you had your roll in the hay, then?
161
00:09:01,538 --> 00:09:03,334
It was more like a fuck
in the mud, but, yeah.
162
00:09:03,396 --> 00:09:05,636
Oh, lovely.
Pack up your things, we're off.
163
00:09:05,699 --> 00:09:08,355
- What? Why would we leave now?
- Why wouldn't we?
164
00:09:08,418 --> 00:09:10,380
I've got my wine, Grumio got his stew,
165
00:09:10,443 --> 00:09:12,472
you got your hottie,
we all got what we came for.
166
00:09:12,534 --> 00:09:15,080
Well, I'd like to get mine again if poss.
Maybe a few times.
167
00:09:15,142 --> 00:09:18,979
Can we please, for once,
leave somewhere before everyone hates us?
168
00:09:19,042 --> 00:09:21,984
Before Atlas finds out you
drove a spoke into his pig.
169
00:09:22,148 --> 00:09:24,273
And then did something
similar to his daughter.
170
00:09:24,336 --> 00:09:28,057
This isn't just some holiday fling, mate.
I really like this girl.
171
00:09:28,175 --> 00:09:30,468
Me and Cally could be together forever.
172
00:09:30,531 --> 00:09:33,162
Or some of forever, you know,
like a couple of weeks maybe.
173
00:09:33,225 --> 00:09:35,609
Look, either way, I'm staying
here till it's run its course.
174
00:09:35,672 --> 00:09:37,593
You boys head back without me.
175
00:09:41,003 --> 00:09:42,213
Cally?!
176
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:45,847
You all right, dude?
You haven't seen Cally around, have you?
177
00:09:45,909 --> 00:09:48,847
Cally is mine.
Do you hear me, city man?
178
00:09:48,909 --> 00:09:51,751
I loves her, I do.
I loves her since we was babies.
179
00:09:51,814 --> 00:09:53,847
All right, chill,
I don't want any agg, okay?
180
00:09:53,909 --> 00:09:56,847
Like dirt, you don't. Why you got to
be doing it by my cottage, then, eh?
181
00:09:56,909 --> 00:09:58,847
Squelching around down in Soggy Ditch
182
00:09:58,909 --> 00:10:01,847
and making animal noises
right under my face, it be!
183
00:10:01,909 --> 00:10:04,192
The position was Cally's
idea in every sense.
184
00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:07,501
Don't you dare blame Cally, you wormer.
185
00:10:07,564 --> 00:10:10,715
We've got code round here.
Never heard of a country code?
186
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:14,381
Yes, sure, like, er, don't start fires,
always shut the gate...
187
00:10:14,444 --> 00:10:18,660
Two men after the same girl have
to fight for her. To the death.
188
00:10:18,723 --> 00:10:20,909
Oh, right.
Not heard of that one.
189
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:25,357
Well, now you know.
Forum. Sundown.
190
00:10:25,568 --> 00:10:29,847
And bring a bleed.
Cos I am gonna gut you, city man.
191
00:10:30,104 --> 00:10:32,104
I'm gonna gut you like a badger.
192
00:10:37,749 --> 00:10:41,005
- And how much for the wheel?
- Oh, no, no, no, that's on me.
193
00:10:41,068 --> 00:10:44,367
- A token of our growing friendship.
- Oh, wow, that's incredibly kind.
194
00:10:44,429 --> 00:10:46,367
You lads, you're welcome here any time.
195
00:10:46,430 --> 00:10:49,452
- Especially to buy all that wine.
- Then you'd better get making it.
196
00:10:49,581 --> 00:10:50,790
Atlas!
197
00:10:51,613 --> 00:10:55,446
You move my truffles somewhere?
I need 'em for market.
198
00:10:55,509 --> 00:10:57,847
Now, Nanna, why would I go
and do a thing like that?
199
00:10:57,909 --> 00:10:59,847
Well, someone's moved 'em.
200
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:03,649
- Right, well, we should get going.
- We really should, yeah.
201
00:11:03,712 --> 00:11:05,847
I thought you wanted to let
your relationship run its course.
202
00:11:05,909 --> 00:11:07,734
Yeah, it did, it sort of sprinted
its course in the end.
203
00:11:07,796 --> 00:11:11,847
It were you, weren't it, shorty?
You snuffled my truffles.
204
00:11:11,909 --> 00:11:13,815
Bye, then.
Thanks for having us.
205
00:11:13,878 --> 00:11:16,367
Hold up, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on up. Oncoming!
206
00:11:16,429 --> 00:11:18,765
Atlas!
It's Caesar!
207
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,391
We found him on the road.
208
00:11:22,183 --> 00:11:25,823
Oh, dear.
That is a nasty one.
209
00:11:31,163 --> 00:11:32,363
Right...
210
00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:37,638
So by my reckoning,
you owe me another 250 denarii.
211
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:40,796
- 250? You out of your mind?
- Grumio, please.
212
00:11:40,964 --> 00:11:43,714
Are you out of your mind, though?
You got all your wine back.
213
00:11:43,777 --> 00:11:45,537
Yeah, and we only killed, like, one pig.
214
00:11:45,599 --> 00:11:50,214
That weren't any old pig, though.
Caesar were a prized truffle hunter.
215
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:53,261
He'd earn us a fortune every
show with what he'd snuffle out.
216
00:11:53,347 --> 00:11:57,448
Then there's the truffles your
man-child stole, and the cart repairs...
217
00:11:57,511 --> 00:12:00,504
Well, I thought that was a token
of our growing friendship.
218
00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:03,264
Yeah, but now that friendship's
shrunk down to fuck all.
219
00:12:03,327 --> 00:12:06,620
Sure, and I get that, just...
we don't have that kind of cash.
220
00:12:06,683 --> 00:12:09,444
You told me you own the
swankiest bar in Rome.
221
00:12:09,507 --> 00:12:12,821
Yeah, that was a bit of a porky.
If you'll pardon the expression.
222
00:12:12,883 --> 00:12:14,461
What a surprise.
223
00:12:14,523 --> 00:12:16,837
Well, you'll just have to work
off the debt, then, won't you?
224
00:12:16,899 --> 00:12:19,334
- On the farm.
- Okay. That might not be so bad.
225
00:12:19,397 --> 00:12:22,373
Sure, we can pick some grapes or
summat, one for you, one for me.
226
00:12:22,436 --> 00:12:27,621
No, no, no, no. You'll be tilling
the south field down by there.
227
00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:32,336
It should only take a month or so.
I'll fetch some tools directly.
228
00:12:32,399 --> 00:12:33,639
Morning.
229
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,278
Hey.
Cally, hi.
230
00:12:42,341 --> 00:12:45,552
All right, my lover?
Last night were lush, weren't it?
231
00:12:45,615 --> 00:12:49,621
Yeah, it was...
Well, quite a lot like that, I guess.
232
00:12:51,284 --> 00:12:53,916
Get on all fours tonight,
and we'll try and fill the bucket.
233
00:12:53,979 --> 00:12:56,446
Yeah, I might not make it through till then,
234
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:59,791
your talking scarecrow ex-boyfriend
wants to kill me at sundown.
235
00:12:59,870 --> 00:13:03,387
Bleeding hell, does he?
I didn't mean for that to happen.
236
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:07,302
Didn't you, though? Cos you did choose
to get jiggy right outside his lair.
237
00:13:07,365 --> 00:13:09,141
I just wanted to him to get the message
238
00:13:09,203 --> 00:13:11,301
that me and him's over,
and that he should drop it.
239
00:13:11,363 --> 00:13:12,811
Well, he didn't get the message.
240
00:13:12,874 --> 00:13:14,621
In fact, the whole
message-getting part of his brain
241
00:13:14,683 --> 00:13:16,486
seems to be made of cheese or something.
242
00:13:16,683 --> 00:13:18,214
This is a right pickle.
243
00:13:18,277 --> 00:13:20,567
No shit.
He's gonna gut me like a badger.
244
00:13:20,630 --> 00:13:23,037
Oh, dear.
Well, lovely meeting you anyway.
245
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:26,563
Hang on, can't we sit down and talk
about this like grown-ups? Please?
246
00:13:26,626 --> 00:13:30,216
Or at least find a solution that doesn't
involve him turning me inside-out.
247
00:13:34,544 --> 00:13:36,956
I'd rather have the fork
than the spoon, to be honest.
248
00:13:37,019 --> 00:13:40,224
It's a spade, not a spoon, you clown.
249
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:42,862
Oh, don't tell me you boys
never done no digging before.
250
00:13:42,925 --> 00:13:45,383
Not really, Rome's mainly paved.
251
00:13:45,445 --> 00:13:47,791
Get to it, and I'll have
a carrot for you at noon.
252
00:13:47,854 --> 00:13:49,383
Carrot?
What about the stew?
253
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:52,543
Stew is for guests.
254
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,994
Okay, come on, Grumio,
if we really knuckle down,
255
00:13:57,057 --> 00:13:59,338
we can get this done
in a couple of weeks or so.
256
00:14:00,619 --> 00:14:04,456
- Why is the ground so hard?
- I don't know, just sort of is.
257
00:14:04,519 --> 00:14:06,088
No, sorry, not for me.
258
00:14:06,151 --> 00:14:08,473
Oh, please, Grumio, I'm
not doing this on my own.
259
00:14:08,536 --> 00:14:11,132
Let's not do it at all, then.
Oi, Atlas!
260
00:14:11,195 --> 00:14:12,863
Atlas, son, we're not
doing your digging, mate.
261
00:14:12,925 --> 00:14:14,863
- What are you playing at?
- You get to work, lad,
262
00:14:14,925 --> 00:14:16,863
- or I'll lash you.
- No, ta.
263
00:14:16,925 --> 00:14:19,101
How about I find another
way of paying you back?
264
00:14:19,164 --> 00:14:21,556
Oh, no, I ain't gonna bed
you, boy, you ain't my type.
265
00:14:21,619 --> 00:14:24,548
No, sorry, I mean, finding
you a fuck ton of truffles.
266
00:14:24,611 --> 00:14:27,644
And how are you gonna do that?
You murdered my pig, remember?
267
00:14:27,707 --> 00:14:30,121
- I'll use my truffle sense.
- Your what, sorry?
268
00:14:30,184 --> 00:14:32,777
That very first nibble
gave me some freaky powers.
269
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,913
I could sniff out them
smelly buggers anywhere.
270
00:14:34,976 --> 00:14:38,463
- Is he soft up top or summat?
- Er, he is softish up top, yeah,
271
00:14:38,526 --> 00:14:41,028
but in fairness, he did find
Nanna's stash last night.
272
00:14:41,091 --> 00:14:45,274
Trust me, I can be the new Caesar,
if you just give me a chance.
273
00:14:47,213 --> 00:14:48,949
Looks like we're going truffle hunting.
274
00:14:49,785 --> 00:14:51,303
I'll round up the cousins.
275
00:14:59,134 --> 00:15:00,886
Thank you, both, for agreeing to be here,
276
00:15:00,948 --> 00:15:03,863
it's a massive first step.
Why don't we start by saying
277
00:15:03,926 --> 00:15:05,154
what we're hoping to get out the session?
278
00:15:05,216 --> 00:15:08,245
And remember, there's no wrong answers.
Cally?
279
00:15:09,403 --> 00:15:13,112
I suppose, I want Vulcan to get
that I need to see other fellas.
280
00:15:13,175 --> 00:15:14,992
Great.
And, Vulcan, what do you want?
281
00:15:15,055 --> 00:15:16,742
- I wants Cally.
- Right, but
282
00:15:16,805 --> 00:15:18,501
if she wants to see other guys, then...
283
00:15:18,563 --> 00:15:20,661
- I'll kill 'em.
- No, that's not gonna work.
284
00:15:20,723 --> 00:15:22,316
What?
You said there's no wrong answers.
285
00:15:22,378 --> 00:15:24,661
Well, sometimes there are.
That is a wrong answer.
286
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,661
Are you sure you don't
want to be with him, Cally?
287
00:15:26,723 --> 00:15:30,661
- If you really search your heart.
- I have done, and I'm sure.
288
00:15:30,723 --> 00:15:33,494
Search a little harder, then.
You know, really have a nosy round.
289
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:36,661
Nah, the thought of his
big flappy hands on me
290
00:15:36,723 --> 00:15:38,181
turns my stomach.
291
00:15:38,243 --> 00:15:41,096
I know, what about an open relationship?
292
00:15:41,159 --> 00:15:43,110
What's that, then?
That sounds modern.
293
00:15:43,173 --> 00:15:45,332
It is.
Yeah, it's all the rage in Rome.
294
00:15:45,395 --> 00:15:48,024
It's where a couple stay together,
but are also free
295
00:15:48,087 --> 00:15:50,661
- to diddle other people.
- Oh, no, that won't do.
296
00:15:50,723 --> 00:15:53,291
I wants Cally for mine and mine own,
and that's an end to it.
297
00:15:53,354 --> 00:15:56,014
I'm sorry, Vulcan, but you can't have me!
298
00:15:56,077 --> 00:15:58,484
You'll just have to murder
everyone I sleeps with.
299
00:15:58,547 --> 00:16:00,661
- Fine, I will, then.
- Well, don't give up now!
300
00:16:00,723 --> 00:16:03,868
- Violence isn't the answer.
- Hang on, he ain't trying to help us at all,
301
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:06,661
- he just don't want me to gut him.
- Well, obviously.
302
00:16:06,723 --> 00:16:08,181
This has got nothing to do with me,
303
00:16:08,243 --> 00:16:09,661
this is between you and Cally.
If anything,
304
00:16:09,723 --> 00:16:12,171
- you should be gutting her.
- Don't be daft!
305
00:16:12,234 --> 00:16:15,825
This has to be settled by the fellas,
it's how we do it round here.
306
00:16:15,990 --> 00:16:17,839
I will come and watch, though.
307
00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:21,720
See you at sundown, city man.
308
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:29,048
I'd offer some words of advice,
but I've not really been
309
00:16:29,110 --> 00:16:31,455
in this highly-specific situation before.
310
00:16:31,518 --> 00:16:33,661
I just need to think like a pig, I reckon.
311
00:16:33,723 --> 00:16:35,120
Shouldn't be too hard for you.
312
00:16:35,183 --> 00:16:38,120
I mean, I've not had a wash in a while,
to be fair.
313
00:16:40,229 --> 00:16:42,097
Release the pig!
314
00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:03,483
No.
315
00:17:27,492 --> 00:17:30,276
He's found one.
He's only bloody found one!
316
00:17:30,339 --> 00:17:31,935
We're on a roll now, baby.
317
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,276
No, that's badger shit.
318
00:17:43,403 --> 00:17:47,330
Creeping off, are you?
Like the shit pot weasel you are.
319
00:17:47,393 --> 00:17:50,440
What? No, I wasn't creeping off,
I was creeping round.
320
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:53,793
- You know, for fitness.
- Pig dirt. You was fleeing.
321
00:17:54,030 --> 00:17:58,718
And if I can't trust you to turn up on time,
we're gonna do this right here, right now.
322
00:17:58,781 --> 00:18:00,187
I haven't even got a weapon!
323
00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:01,938
There is a stick there, look.
324
00:18:02,673 --> 00:18:05,282
Oh, no way.
Come on, Vulcan, mate, don't do this.
325
00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:08,661
Look, as soon she meet another girl,
you'll be over Cally in a flash,
326
00:18:08,723 --> 00:18:10,661
- I know you will.
- What other girl?
327
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,269
The only other girl round here is my sister.
328
00:18:12,331 --> 00:18:13,761
And is that not an option?
329
00:18:13,831 --> 00:18:15,831
Not really, no.
It's frowned on.
330
00:18:16,723 --> 00:18:18,986
Just need to get out
there more, meet new women.
331
00:18:19,049 --> 00:18:22,229
- Stupid talk. Where would I go?
- Rome's full of girls.
332
00:18:22,292 --> 00:18:25,225
Girls that'd go mad for
your backward country charm.
333
00:18:25,288 --> 00:18:27,254
Really?
You reckon?
334
00:18:27,317 --> 00:18:30,815
Big time. Hey, why don't you come
with us and find out for yourself?
335
00:18:31,167 --> 00:18:33,661
I suppose, I mean, if Cally won't have me,
336
00:18:33,723 --> 00:18:36,661
- there's bugger all for me here.
- Yeah, now you're talking sense, boy.
337
00:18:36,723 --> 00:18:38,544
All right, then.
Yeah, I'm in.
338
00:18:38,722 --> 00:18:40,788
I suppose I'd better not
cut you open, now, then, eh?
339
00:18:40,850 --> 00:18:42,851
Ideally not, yeah.
Good shout.
340
00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,049
Yeah!
Come here.
341
00:18:45,112 --> 00:18:46,397
Okay!
342
00:18:47,796 --> 00:18:49,390
I'm so happy.
343
00:18:51,723 --> 00:18:53,973
My truffle sense must've fogged up.
344
00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:56,875
Probably got a sniffle from you
nicking the covers last night.
345
00:18:56,938 --> 00:19:00,661
Yeah, it could be that, could be my
fault, or maybe your truffle sense
346
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:04,034
- never existed in the first place.
- I found the stash, didn't I?
347
00:19:04,097 --> 00:19:05,706
I sniffed out the right jar.
348
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:08,513
So you knew they'd
be in one of the jars, then?
349
00:19:08,576 --> 00:19:09,662
Well, yeah, I mean...
350
00:19:09,724 --> 00:19:12,365
And how many jars did you look
in before you found the right one?
351
00:19:12,427 --> 00:19:14,953
Only about...
Yeah, most of them.
352
00:19:15,578 --> 00:19:17,861
Suddenly a bit less impressive, isn't it?
353
00:19:18,383 --> 00:19:20,661
Boys!
Where the bloody hell have you been?
354
00:19:20,723 --> 00:19:22,661
- Get digging!
- Fuck that, bruv.
355
00:19:23,127 --> 00:19:26,385
- Come on, we're bouncing.
- Bouncing? Bouncing, how?
356
00:19:26,448 --> 00:19:27,968
I'll show you.
357
00:19:32,074 --> 00:19:35,074
Hang on...
We've nearly earned those carrots.
358
00:19:38,617 --> 00:19:42,234
I needs to stay with you for a spell, mind.
Just till I finds my feet.
359
00:19:42,656 --> 00:19:45,800
- I could share a bed with the tiddler here.
- Great. Sounds wicked.
360
00:19:45,863 --> 00:19:48,049
We're taking the terrifying simpleton, then?
361
00:19:48,112 --> 00:19:51,112
We are, yeah. Trust me, it was
the best option on the table.
362
00:19:52,315 --> 00:19:54,539
- Hurry up, Vulcan.
- Right you are.
363
00:19:54,602 --> 00:19:57,940
Atlas, those boys be trying to scarper!
364
00:19:58,003 --> 00:19:59,888
- You what?
- Atlas!
365
00:20:01,438 --> 00:20:03,829
See you, Cally!
I'm going down Rome!
366
00:20:03,892 --> 00:20:06,723
I'm gonna get me one of
them open relationships!
367
00:20:06,786 --> 00:20:08,776
Well, I'm glad you two kissed and made up.
368
00:20:08,839 --> 00:20:11,051
No thanks to you,
I could've been butchered today.
369
00:20:11,724 --> 00:20:14,214
You still might if you don't get a wiggle on.
370
00:20:14,277 --> 00:20:15,980
Oh, shit!
The cousins!
371
00:20:16,043 --> 00:20:17,951
They've genuinely got pitchforks!
372
00:20:18,723 --> 00:20:21,501
- Make the horsey go faster!
- I'm trying!
373
00:20:21,563 --> 00:20:25,011
- He's struggling with the extra weight.
- Come back here, you buggers!
374
00:20:25,074 --> 00:20:27,138
We needs to lighten the load!
375
00:20:28,465 --> 00:20:31,269
Not the wine!
We need that!
376
00:20:36,723 --> 00:20:38,701
It's not enough, we need more speed.
377
00:20:38,763 --> 00:20:41,559
Hey, Vulcan, how much
would you say you weigh?
378
00:20:41,622 --> 00:20:43,619
I'd say about three and a half sheep?
379
00:20:43,682 --> 00:20:44,882
That'll do.
380
00:20:49,724 --> 00:20:53,831
You wormer!
You badger fucker!
381
00:20:55,524 --> 00:20:57,852
Eat my dust, you mouth-breathing bitch!
382
00:21:13,164 --> 00:21:15,170
Well, that was all a complete waste of time.
383
00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:18,096
As if! That was one of the
all-time great road trips, mate.
384
00:21:18,159 --> 00:21:20,341
Yeah, that wasn't exactly my primary aim.
385
00:21:20,403 --> 00:21:23,661
- And we are going home with fuck all.
- I wouldn't say that, mate.
386
00:21:23,723 --> 00:21:26,053
Someone just found a cheeky
truffle in his pocket.
387
00:21:26,116 --> 00:21:28,661
- It must've fell in there last night.
- Nice one.
388
00:21:29,627 --> 00:21:32,531
No, no, that is badger poo.
389
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:43,607
Sync and corrections: minouhse
www.addic7ed.com
33428
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