All language subtitles for One Mic Stand S01E04 [1080p]_Subtitles01.ENG

I don't know how these people do it.

I am scared to within an inch
of my life at this point.

This is awful.

Hi!
I am your host

and part-time online window
shopper, Sapan Verma.

And my guest for this episode is
one of India's biggest musicians

and one of the most controversial
people on the internet,

Vishal Dadlani.

And guiding him in this
process is a fitness freak

whose Instagram famous cats

sometimes let him do comedy,

Rohan Joshi!

Oh, man!
What have I got myself into!

Dude, you're going to be fine.
Trust me.

-You are going to be fine.
-It's--

This is all gonna exist

-Yes.
-till you get on the stage,

get your first laugh, then
you will be like, "Holy shit!

This is amazing.
I wanna do this more and more."

It's my job to sort of get them
laughing and warm and basically--

Can't I just sing and be done with it?

Here is the thing.

-Keep that in your back pocket.
-Yeah.

You're good. You've got this, and
I will see you in a bit.

Let's do it.

-Cool.
-Ladies and gentleman,

keep the energy and applause going!

Louder, louder, louder, and
give it up for Rohan Joshi!

I live in my own house.
I live on my own without my parents.

It means I'm finally in that
position in life where sometimes...

I have to fire people.

Let me explain why, first
of all, all right?

Aunt Archana is my housekeeper.

Aunt Nirmala is my cook. All right?

And in the middle of all of this,
I have to let Aunt Nirmala go because...

Aunt Nirmala is extremely sweet,

but extremely limited cooking range.

Extremely limited!
For example,

she just-- It didn't matter what
happened, she could not make food.

So one day, when I came home.

I realized that my cook and my
housekeeper are fighting.

I said, "Aunt Archana,
Aunt Nirmala, what happened?"

Aunt Archana turns at me and says,

"Sir, she's telling me that I eat shit
from the behind."

In case you didn't hear.

"She's telling me...

that I eat shit from the behind."

When you are dealing with
two 55-year-old women,

this is not the answer you
are expecting to hear.

It doesn't-- And now, I'm mad at Nirmala

because on one hand you say
that she's eating shit from the behind

and on the other, you make
me eat shit every day!

I mean...

At this point, I finally made the decision
that, you know what, as much as it sucks,

Aunt Nirmala has got to go.

I decided when she comes in I'll tell her,
"Look Nirmala, honestly,

you need to go work in a family where

there's somebody who actually
already knows to cook.

So that, you can learn from them.

You'll evolve as a cook.
I can't teach you anything.

Right? In fact, you've taught me
the "shit" line so,

I have learnt from you."

This is what I wanted to tell her.

I practiced my speech
and I had it ready.

The doorbell rings at 8:00 p.m.

It's Nirmala and I'm like,

"All right. As soon as she enters the door
I'm gonna tell her."

I opened the door,
Nirmala entered and she said,

"Look, sir! I've got fish for you.

I went to the market at six in the
morning just to get this fish for you!"

"Nirmala...

I've got a job in Delhi.

I'll be leaving tonight."

True story.

I said this.

I gave her her money,
and I shut the door.

Now, I had not thought this lie through.

Because turns out Aunt Nirmala

also works at my good friend,
Ashish Shakya's house.

One day, I visited Ashish and he asked me,

"Bro, have you told Nirmala
that you're moving to Delhi?"

I said, "Yes. Why do you ask?"

He said, "Idiot! She spotted you
at Linking Road yesterday."

And I'm like, "Fuck!"

To which Ashish replied,
"You know even we want to let her go

for the same reasons as you.

But, I've dignity.

So, I let her go in a much better way."

I asked him, "What do you mean by that?"

He said, "I didn't allow
her to enter my house."

To which I replied,
"Ashish, you eat shit from the behind."

Thank you.
My name is Rohan Joshi.

You've been awesome.
Thank you so much.

-Fun fact.
-Yes.

The AIB original podcast jingle...

Yes!

...is technically a
Vishal Dadlani/Vishal-Shekhar composition.

-So, as to say max pedigree--
-So, he...

-composed for Akon...
-Yes.

-and AIB.
-Yes.

Yes, he did.

-That's damn cool, dude!
-Yeah, yeah.

We randomly called him and
he immediately sent us a jingle.

-And that "Bak bak bak backchod."
-Is that his voice?

-That's his voice.
-It's Vishal Dadlani's voice! True story.

When he enters,
we should ask him to do this.

-Yeah! True story, bro.
-That's going to be the end.

That is entirely his voice.

-Anyway...
-Yes.

I think we'll wait for Vishal to come in.

I am sure he has funny stories.
We just need to put it in a structure...

-or, help him.
-Just shape it.

-Shape it.
-Shape it.

I think, his twitter-- I think his
tweets will be half of the jokes.

In case of Vishal,
how do we take his unfocused rage?

-I was going to ask the same.
-And...

Channel his anger into humor.

-Right?
-Hey, how are you guys just

-started without me?
-Hey! There he is. Yes.

-We did start this without you.
-We were just

-talking about you.
-Yes, we're talking about...

-But nicely.
-Yeah, nicely.

-We just used words like "unfocused rage."
-I'm sure.

-I'm just glad it's all on camera.
-Yeah, it's like...

-How's it going, man?
-I can't complain.

-I can, but let's not.
-You can but let's not.

-You can. Yeah
-Save it for the stand-up, man.

All I want is coffee, dude.
Everything will be alright.

-Do you want coffee?
-I have asked for it.

-Black coffee?
-Black coffee. Yes, please.

Black coffee?

Before you start, I was reading up
your Wikipedia and other articles.

And then, you know there are those
shady YouTube videos?

I opened a video that said,
"Vishal Dadlani unknown facts."

-Okay?
-Oh, wow!

Name: Vishal Dadlani.
Nickname: Vishal.

-And then...
-Wow!

there were few other general information
like height and weight.

Hair color: Bald.

Man, they are just so on point.

Who are they? They've got
everything right, dude.

-This is hilarious.
-Okay.

So, every time we try to figure
out the common link

-between the celebrity and the comic.
-Right.

Have they worked together?
Have they done a video together?

Have they grown up in the same town?

Here, the main common
link I could find out,

is that both of you have
an FIR against yourself...

High-five.

...for the talent that you possess.

How many times have you been to
the police station?

Which one?

-Generally, how many times--
-In life?

-Yes.
-No, no. This--

Please!
Come on.

This is not that sort of a show.

Okay, just tell me a rough number.

I-- I couldn't put a number on it.
There's no way.

-I've been there for different reasons.
-Is that less than 100?

I've been for myself,
I've been for other people,

I've been for
stupid shit I did in college.

I've been for legit shit that
I would happily go back for.

There are just so many reasons.

Why do you want to do stand-up?

So, I grew up watching Richard Pryor.

-Eddie Murphy.
-Nice.

And then moving on to the
Ricky Gervais of the world.

-Eddie Izzard, was a huge...
-Eddie Izzard.

Were you there when
he performed in Mumbai?

-I was. Yes, absolutely.
-Were you there for the show?

It was a great show.

So yeah, stand-up comedy...

It has always been a...

I've always found it entertaining.

-Yes.
-Right.

I mean it's a horrifyingly
nerve-wracking thought, but it's...

I mean it's something I would
love to do just for that.

You are halfway there in terms of

-being comfortable on the stage.
-Yeah.

-Being energetic in front of people.
-Being a different person.

That's cool.

On stage,
there's another person out there

who says shit that I don't say.

-Who...
-A demon.

Yeah, who behaves in a way
that I don't.

-So...
-Right.

There are times when I come off stage and

you know, people were like,
"Oh, that was funny."

Or, "What the hell is wrong with you?
Why were you saying that shit?"

And I'll say,
"I don't know why I said it."

Whereas, and I've made a few speeches.

When I do that...

it's just not there.
And I don't-- It's just...

But when you perform
the show coming up this weekend,

what do you want to talk about?

Is there any specific topic?
Because we can suggest five ideas

-but I think stand-up is best
-Yeah.

-when it's personal. Right?
-Yes, exactly. Absolutely.

-We should try any taboo topic.
-Yes.

Okay.

There has been a lot
of this mental health

-conversation.
-Discussion. Yeah.

Mental health is something that
I have been researching

-as well, from a personal point of view.
-Yeah.

There are a lot of things that are screwed
up with me, that I feel the need to

-kind of address. Right?
-Yeah, yeah. Right.

But clearly, I don't have a
problem talking about.

-Right.
-Yeah.

I also don't have a problem
taking the piss out of myself.

-Sure.
-Right.

I get the feeling that there are a lot
of people out there who could benefit.

-Oh, absolutely.
-Let's not be altruistic about it.

-It might be funny. It might be funny.
-No, no. It might be.

-I think mental health is a good topic...
-I think it's a great topic.

because I don't, I
have not seen too many

comics also who talk about it in general.

-Simply just normalize the idea of having
-Exactly.

-conversation about it. Right.
-Yeah, yeah exactly.

Just normalize the idea

-of having a conversation.
-It's like your Instagram.

-You know what, you won't believe.
-Yeah, yeah.

I mean for whatever it's worth,
your Instagram helps people, dude.

-Because it's--
-Yeah.

No, I get people who write,
"You know what?

I was just afraid of
talking to somebody about this,

-but seeing that somebody who's even
-Yes.

successful is going through
the same problem,

it makes me feel fine

to be dealing with the same shit,
being a 16-year-old.

-Of course, I have problems.
-Yes.

-Why should I be ashamed of it?"
-And I can talk about it.

If there was something else which
couldn't be discussed earlier,

let's talk about that as well.

Yeah. You are three seconds away from...

"Why I like Osama Bin Laden?"

-He had beautiful eyes, dude.
-Yeah, he had beautiful eyes.

-He did have beautiful eyes.
-What?

-Is it a thing?
-Have you ever seen Osama Bin Laden?

How can two of you
just agree immediately to this?

No, they're beautiful.

How else do you convince a bunch of
people to fly a plane into a building?

-You gotta have extremely beautiful eyes.
-That--

-You are like this.
-You should be able to--

-It's like...
-Yeah.

-He'll say, "Hey!
-You gotta convince people to do.

How about a plane in a building?"

-Is that--
-Like...

Yeah, and you'll say, "Okay!"

-How was this--
-"I'll do this for you, Osama."

Somebody's going to be so upset
about this conversation.

"I'll do this for you, Osama!
And this, I'll do for you."

I can play to 10,000 to 20,000--
I've played last week to 60,000 people.

I've played to 250,000 people before.
I can handle that.

I have nightmares when it comes to
performing for five to six people.

Look, I-- I can see your eyes.
I can see your reaction.

I can-- I can hear you breathing.
Do you know what I'm saying?

I have never been so nervous.

Probably since my tenth grade exams.

It's upsetting, man!

-I think you should do some introduction.
-Yeah.

If you get your first laugh
in the first 20 seconds,

-Yeah.
-you'll get the hold of it.

For example, when I used to be
clean-shaven-- You remember this.

-Yeah.
-When I used to be clean-shaven,

I used to go wearing a t-shirt and
shorts on the stage and I used to say,

"I know what you are thinking.

I look like a grown-up version
of Darsheel Safary."

-That's it.
-Yeah.

-And he agrees.
-I remember.

-Yeah, yeah.
-So, it's 20 seconds.

I have got my first laugh.
Now, I feel confident.

You just endeared yourself
to them immediately.

So, either a self-deprecating
joke or introducing yourself...

-Self-deprecating always works.
-It always works.

Also, they might get confused because
there are enough bald comedians.

True.

-There are three or four of them.
-They'll say, "Who is this new guy?"

I should just go up and say,
"Hi, I am Sorabh Pant."

-Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.

Or, just name all the others,
whoever they are.

-Or, some other look-alike.
-Yeah.

Yeah, and acknowledge the audience.

Talk about the fact that you have been
a judge on multiple shows.

So, the fact that--

-All of us have been--
-And none of them have been Roadies.

-None of them have been Roadies.
-See! Raghu. There!

There we go. This is a joke.

-That's a joke. Yeah.
-All right.

No, I'm making a damn joke.
If you have to say,

that means I cocked it up.

No, no. We are just pointing
out the fact that you've gotten this.

Do you want to discuss anything
related to mental health?

So, the thing is...
Okay.

I've got to confess. I haven't
"been going to a therapist."

I have gone to a therapist for once.

-Okay.
-It has changed my life.

-Good enough.
-Right. And I intend to

continue with that.
It's a new experience.

-Right?
-Right.

-So--
-That should be justified to the audience.

What's mental health? What going
to a therapist is like?

-For example,
-Yeah just...

you could do something that would work.

You are paying somebody to just shut up.

Yeah. Paying somebody to be
your mom, without being judgmental...

at the end.

-Exactly.
-Like that.

-That's funny.
-That can be a joke.

Yeah, I guess. And just... just...

Please don't feed me and
please listen to what I am saying.

-Like that.
-Exactly. Yeah.

Somebody who doesn't think
that samosa (Indian snack) is the cure...

Stop feeding me.

Just...

-stop feeding me.
-You can crack a joke like that.

"Eat it. Eat it."

-I am going to note this down.
-That's nice.

-Okay. We have enough stuff, I think.
-We have... Dude!

We have lots of stuff.
My question is...

how am I supposed to remember this
shit on stage?

There is no way, dude.

-There is no way--
-Well, you can remember 30 songs!

Yeah.

No, you don't understand,
I can make up a new song.

-I can make up new lyrics.
-Yeah.

-Nobody will have a problem with it.
-Have you done that...

-in the middle of the songs?
-Thousands of times.

Dude, for the first...

I covered Smells like Teen Spirit

without ever knowing the lyrics
for almost two years.

All I knew was,
"Hello, hello, hello, hello."

It all sounds alike.
Just like...

-There are ways to memorize.
-There are ways, yeah.

If we can...
Do you want to do the--

So, hand is one option, where you write
down your keywords on your hand.

But, that brings in a very awkward
question, do you sweat a lot?

-Like a motherfucker.
-Then, bad idea.

-Yeah, because--
-Because hand sweat is the number one

-comedian career-ender.
-It'll be like...

-One blue thing on...
-One blue thing here...

-It says "Owe-- owe-some eyes."
-Owe-some eyes.

-That, I won't forget.
-That, you won't forget.

Should we use the dead
monitor technique?

-That's a great idea.
-Dead monitor.

-Just a lizard lying on stage.
-Dead monitor.

Yes, yes. It is in fact...

With a printout of bullet points.

-If you want that, we can do that.
-Is it like a sound monitor?

-Yes, a sound monitor. You have to just--
-And there's a page stuck on that.

-Wait for few words--
-Okay. So kids, the thing is,

-I am 45 years old.
-Okay. So, you don't know how to read?

-I know. But, it won't be visible.
-Very good.

-You have to print it in big letters.
-Big block letters!

We won't put the entire set.
We'll give you the keywords.

-So, what I can also do is...
-Also.

We always keep one stool

-on the stage with a bottle of water.
-Yeah.

I can maybe leave that cue sheet over
there, right next to the glass.

-So, when you go and pick your glass...
-It's also organic.

-That's a great idea.
-Yeah.

I think you have a lot of funny ideas.

-I hope so.
-Yeah, you have.

-We will find out tomorrow.
-We'll find out.

-Are you feeling nervous about this?
-I'm, dude...

sweating at the thought of it.

-I am sweating.
-That's good. Now you are a comedian.

You are insecure and anxious about this.
Congratulations, you are a comedian.

Before we wrap up,

we want to do role reversal,
where we want you to teach us something.

-Yeah. Write songs.
-Yeah.

-How do you write songs?
-Now? Do you want to learn now?

-In less than two minutes.
-In less than two minutes.

-It's easy, dude.
-Okay.

It's the easiest shit in the
world. Just pick your line out of

any written down material
that you may have.

Or, just look for
something on the internet.

Okay. "Everything's going to be
all right after eating a samosa."

-"After eating a samosa--"
-I think it's a great starting point

-for a song.
-Okay. So you have got

"Everything's going to be all right
after eating a samosa." Right?

So, the words have a rhythm.

"Everything's going to be all
right after eating a samosa."

Or, "Everything's going to be
all right after eating a samosa."

"Everything's going to be all right after
eating a samosa." You have got a rhythm.

-Yes.
-Now, you are a rapper.

Step two, put musical notes to that shit.
So...

Everything's going to be all right
After eating a samosa

Everything's going to be all right
After eating a samosa

-Basic secret for newbies.
-Okay.

Modify the third line. So, if you
are gonna say the line four times...

That is such a hack, dude.
I never realized it.

Check it out.

Everything's going to be all right
After eating a samosa

Everything's going to be all right
After eating a samosa

Everything's going to be all right
After eating a samosa

Everything's going to be all right
After eating a samosa

We got it.

This is so fun.
It is so true.

-It hurts.
-It hurts the soul, how true this is.

Let's do this.
Let's sing it together once...

-before we wind up this segment.
-One, two, three, four.

Everything's going to be all right
After eating a samosa

Everything's going to be all right
After eating a samosa

Everything's going to be all right
After eating a samosa

I don't think I am going to have
a good time at all. I am going to be...

faking my way through this on
stage because I am scared,

to within an inch of my life
at this point.

It's awful.

To not be able to
hide behind a song.

Today, I have four cue cards
on which my life depends.

And I don't know where
they are right now, and

I can't tell you how anxious
that is making me.

But, I have to be honest with you guys.

As a comedian,
I am very jealous of musicians.

I think musicians are way cooler.
They have got so much swag, right?

Musicians have groupies.

Comedians have FIR.

That's the difference.

We don't have anything.
I always wanted to be a musician.

It's not that I didn't try.

It's a true story. I was 11.
I saw Mohabbatein.

And I was determined to do
two things in life.

First, learn to play violin and
second, not to wear a sweater properly.

I joined violin classes.

I left after four classes.

Because I learnt two things.

One, a violin is a very
tough instrument to play.

But, more importantly, it's a
supremely boring instrument to play.

A violin just looks so sad.
It looks so depressing and sad.

Even the word violin,
has a "why" in it.

It is so sad.
An electric guitar looks cool, right?

An electric guitar is a dude
you would find on Tinder.

Violin is a dude you would find on the
23rd page of bharatmatrimony.com

after harmonium, tabla and flute.

That's where you would find it.

It's just so sad!

Violin is always played in sad
situations, if you notice.

Somebody has a heartbreak,
you play the violin.

Somebody dies,
you play the violin.

A violin player dies, you play guitar
because everybody is happy.

It's... true.

A violin is not cool, guys.
Let's be honest. The guitar is so cool.

People do something called air-guitaring.
Do you guys know air-guitaring?

There is some music playing, people
just go in the air and do...

People do air drumming also.

You will never see somebody...

doing air violin.

Because if you go to a night club,

and there is a dude standing
in a corner going like this...

It looks like he is jerking off
a tall guy. All right.

And again, I was 11.
Don't judge me, okay?

I didn't think it through. I saw
Shah Rukh Khan playing violin,

I thought the violin is amazing.

What I should have realized
is that even in Mohabbatein,

the only people who were
impressed by his violin skills

were Uday Chopra,

Jugal Hansraj and Jimmy Shergill.
Nobody else.

His own girlfriend committed suicide.

She died praying to God, "Hook me
up with a guitarist in my next life."

She killed herself!

That's what happened.

All right. Since we are
talking about music,

I have a very, very
special act for you guys.

Are you guys excited for this?
This is the main part of the show.

Okay, so here is the thing,
the next guy who is coming up,

is doing stand-up comedy
for the first time ever.

So, you guys have to be extra
supportive and loud

when I call him on stage.
Can we do that, yes?

So ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome to the stage, Vishal Dadlani!

Kill it. Kill it!

What the hell have I got myself into?

No, I am serious man.
This is screwed up.

I-- I don't know what I am doing here.

I don't know what the
hell I am saying and

there's a very good chance that
I am going to be the weakest

part of this set tonight.
So basically,

I am living Sapan's life.

I am Vishal and my surname is not Shekhar.

I can't believe this is coming
as a surprise to some of you.

I have done a lot of
different things in my life.

I'm sure some of you know me
from Pentagram, perhaps.

Some of you may know that, I support
the Aam Aadmi Party. AAP.

Of course, one of those is a bunch
of people who gets on stage

and makes a lot of noise.
The other one is Pentagram.

I'm anxious as hell right now.

You can probably tell that.
I've never been like this on stage.

But, it's not-- it's not anxiety.

We tossed this shit around...
I mean these terms way too much.

Medical terms are
being used in conversations.

I met a friend of mine the other day
and she said,

"Last night, I went into a depression."

I said, "Is it a night club,
that you went into it?"

She replied, "Yeah, we went
into freaking depression.

Then, we did shots at schizophrenia and we
ended up at anxiety at 4:00 a.m."

Anyway, the point is,
I do want to talk about mental health.

And the reason I want to talk
about mental health is because...

I mean, I am sure you have seen the
statistics. It's one in five Indians.

That's two people on the cricket team.

Are you...

Do you all watch Koffee with Karan?

You know, I have been
feeling a little glitchy,

so I had figured that
I'll get some therapy.

For real, I'm not even joking around.
Everyone should.

It was freaking amazing.

So, I'm in a room with a therapist.
I'm-- I'm...

you know, telling her all my troubles.

And-- And it's awesome.
It's like talking to my mother.

Without the freaking judgment.

Without the freaking interruptions.

And without the constant, "Son, eat the
samosas, you will be fine."

Damn!

Do you guys know Kunal Kamra?

-Yes.
-Yes.

So, Kunal Kamra knows Uncle.

He parks his car in front of his house.

So I met him, as it happens.

And he had a tilak on his head
and shit. He was going on and on.

We were talking about
this shit and he goes...

Where the hell did the Uncle go?

"Read more cue cards!"

Oh, you guys are too kind, man.

So, anyway. Uncle said,

"This never happened in my era."

So, I replied, "Are you sure
this never used to happen?"

"Yes, these things never happened.
This is all new inventions.

Anxiety, depression and all that."

I said, "During your era, there was Sati.

There was child marriage.
There were the Britishers.

I guarantee you, Uncle, anxiety
and depression, both existed.

I guarantee it."

What I am saying is
don't use these terms so casually.

You know, when you say,
for example, "Man, I have got OCD."

You don't have OCD.
You are just organized.

You like to put your shit away.
You're just organized. It's okay.

My friend, Sapan, of course thinks that,
OCD is what happens

when the Amazon guy comes to your
door and you have to pay him.

That's COD.
I'm fed up of telling him.

When you say, for example,

"I am having panic attacks, today."
You are not having panic attacks.

You just screwed something up.
And now you are scared.

A guy comes and says,

"Man, my girlfriend is a psycho."
"No, you are a dumbass."

I am Vishal. That's been my time.
Thank you so much.

Check.

Give it up for Vishal Dadlani, everyone.

-He did it.
-You did it.

-You did it!
-You did it!

No, more importantly,
I freaking survived it!

-You survived it.
-He survived.

Thank you so much for coming out, guys.

That's the end of the show. Give it
up for Vishal Dadlani, once again.

Rohan Joshi. I have been Sapan Verma
and this is One Mic Stand.

Thank you so much. Goodnight.
Bye, bye.

Congratulations, man.

I feel like I owe you guys.

No, man. Thank you for doing this.

But you owned the stage and
became super comfortable on it.

-Really?
-For real. Yeah, yeah.

Also the fact that after the
punchline you would pause,

-you would raise your hands
-Yeah, yeah.

You would ring in the applause.

It was great. You were not rushing
through it. A lot of people do that.

Even I do that, sometimes,
when it's a new joke.

I don't know where my laugh is,
I'll rush to the next joke.

You were chilling on the stage.

It is the best thing.
You had the attitude.

My favorite part of the set
was where you did the

"My name is Vishal.
My last name is not Shekhar" joke.

And then looked pissed
off that it worked.

Yeah.

-"I can't believe this is your standard."
-You were pissed off that it worked.

Actually people freaking said--

No, there were actually.
They looked like, "Is that so?"

What the hell?

We were happy that this joke worked.

Lots of that.

But we were also like
"Our child has grown! My God!"

Like that.

Exactly.

-Overwhelming emotion in the room.
-Yeah.

If you ask me if I will ever do it again,

I would have to honestly say no!
It's stressful, dude.

The bottoms of my feet are tingling.
It's like that.

You don't understand how steaming
hot my head is right now.

I'm literally blazing.
It's incredible.