All language subtitles for Selfie s01e12 Stick In The Mud.eng

The three biggest geniuses are...

The slut who invented Hollywood tape...

Hazard reported ahead.

In 800 feet, turn left on...

The psychic bitch on Waze...

And whatever dubious
skank invented caller I.D.

Good morning on this
very good morning, Eliza.

Oh. What's so good about it?

Saperstein is announcing the
company's sixth annual 10k today.

Ugh. Still not seeing the good.

I'm told by Henry that Henry
wins this competition every year.

They even put his silhouette on the poster.

- Oh!
- Let me tell you something, Eliza.

All my life, people have been telling me,

"you're too small, Higgs.
You're not fast enough, Higgs.

Give up your foolish dreams, Steve."

Steve? Who's... who's
Steve? What's happening?

He's reciting a monologue
from "Prefontaine,"

a feature film in which Jared Leto plays...

A heavily mustachioed
long-distance runner.

The lead singer from Thirty
Seconds to Mars was in a movie?

No, the guy from "Prefontaine"
was in Thirty Seconds to Mars.

Okay, your sister has called
for the umpteenth time.

Your sister?

You told me your family was lost at sea.

Well, somebody must
have Tom Hanks'd her ass

back to civilization and
given her this number,

which she can be reached at.

My sister's not lost at sea.
Okay? She's found. On land.

My whole entire family
is alive, unfortunately.

Eliza, you should never
wish your family dead.

Oh, I have.

But only after my brother
stabbed me that one time.

You don't understand.
My sister is a monster.

I argued for the death penalty,

but since he was a minor,
my parents let him walk.

She can't be that bad.

He's grown now, went on to
have six kids of his own,

four of whom are evil.

Bethany tortured me with her greatness

my whole childhood.

I was like the redheaded stepchild,

only we both had red
hair and we're related.

There were never any baby
pictures of me around,

but stupid, stupid Bethany
had professional portraits

and brag books and bronze booties.

And that's why you
incessantly document yourself.

Not as bad as getting shanked
over who gets the bottom bunk.

I could never live up to my sister's glory.

Straight A's, class president, never farts,

flawless skin, pretty crier.

Eliza, all siblings are competitive.

- Maybe she's matured.
- Huh.

You certainly have.

Remember, sometimes difficult
people surface in our lives

for a reason. Think of it as a challenge.

You're not the kind of person
who's afraid of a challenge.

Well, I mean, I was briefly hospitalized
after the cinnamon one, but...

Call your sister. Stay
away from your brother.

Call your sister.

Team,

what do we do when we see a
sick child who needs our help?

- We run.
- Amen.

For the past five years, we've run

in the kinderkare kares for kinders 10k,

raising money to help battle
all types of childhood illness.

But... Like so many of those sick kids,

the 10k, over time,

has become a real bummer.

And I think I speak for
everyone when I say...

I'm over it.

- What? What'd he do?
- So this year, we're changing it up...

With the kinderkares kares for kinders

mighty mud run.

Wow! I rarely get riled up over slideshows,

but that was electrifying.

Freddy, this is your brainchild.

Would you like to come up here and join me

for the first annual
ripping of the 10k poster?

I'm sorry. We're gonna rip
the 10k poster every year?

You got that right.

Booyah!

As a 3-year veteran
of the mud run circuit,

I wanna welcome you to
this new and exciting world

that'll find its way into your heart

and your butt crack.

I hate to partake in the
use of slang contractions,

but would this not be

an "if it ain't broke,
don't fix it" type situation?

Uh, I think it's more of

a "sounds hella cool,
let's do it" type situation.

Huh? Am I right?

But if you don't wanna brave the course,

there are a number of
other ways you can help out.

Now Linda has the, uh,
waivers and the sign-up sheets.

Thank you, all, very much.

Good job. I am so doing refreshments.

They give you 300 bucks,

and then I just steal
food from the breakroom

and pocket the cash.

She said proudly.

Don't judge me, Henry.

It's a victimless crime.

Gimme.

- Hey, bad girl.
- Hey, Freddy.

You being good or you being a
naughty, naughty little sex face?

- I don't know.
- What's wrong?

Freddy! Look, I just thought
we were getting more serious.

And serious couples are supposed to do more

than just... Dirty talk.

Yeah, I know.

That's why I got us
matinee tickets to "Pippin."

- What the...
- It's a musical.

Look, is this another one
of Henry's assignments?

Because I don't know how
our relationship is supposed

to survive with Henry always
just sticking his big stu...

Believe it or not, Henry does not
control everything I say and do.

Ah, but that's my sister calling...

And Henry
says I have to take it.

Hello?

Right. Yeah.

- Henry!
- Aah!

See that? It's my mud run trainin', son.

Came in quick with the side lunge.

Whoo! How bomb is this race gonna be, huh?

Quite bomb, I'm certain.

Hope you're not too bummed
out about me bagging your 10k.

- Not at all. No.
- Good, because I hear some of the ladies

got their panties in a bunch
over the change of plans.

That's... that's weird.

What are they gonna do next
year? Throw us in a pit?

Have us claw our way out?

I have no upper body
strength. It's all in my legs.

- Sir.
- Oh.

In this corner, the Asian import...

Actually, sir, I was born in Van Nuys.

Fast as he is sexy. A study
of superior engineering.

And in...

Actually, Freddy, could you
just move to your left slightly?

- Sure.
- That's great.

And in this corner, the adonis

carved out of Italian-Canadian marble,

not an ounce of wasted
mass on his exquisite frame.

Who will be the Victor?

We may never know,

as Henry has yet to nut up.

Dude, nut up.

I'm sorry, but I was conditioning my
body for the rigors of 10 kilometers.

Oh! Come on, gramps. Change it up.

- "Gramps"?
- Yeah. It'll keep you young, you know?

Shock your system.

He's right. I surprise my body every day,

which is not easy because
my body knows me so...

Boo! Aha! Whoa!

Push-ups! Ha ha!

My body didn't see that coming.

Bam! Joke's on you, quads!

Thought you were having a nice
leisurely chat with Henry? Nope.

20 reps, 4 sets. Let's go.

Come on, Henry. Get it! Come on!

Bonjour, bloodstream!

Let's get you oxygenated, shall we?

Dude, did you just speak
French to your bloodstream?

Oui.

"Oui"? What?

As I prepared for my sister's arrival,

I was determined to show her

how responsible and successful I'd become.

Even though we'd barely
spoken since we were teenagers,

I knew everything I needed
to know about Bethany

from her instagram.

With her perfect brunches
and homemade lunches

and her adorable husband Peter

and the handwritten notes he leaves her

and her identical
friends on a 7-day cleanse

and her certified pre-owned
2013 basic bitch beemer.

Eliza? It's me! Hello?

Eliza?

Every time I hear Bethany's voice...

It's like I'm 5 years old again.

Hi!

- Hello!
- Oh!

Oh!

Eliza, look at your place. It's so you.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Uh, nothing?

Have a seat. Oh, my God. Here.

Let me just move the pay stub
from the bonus check I received

for being my company's
top performing sales rep

and put it next to the
crystal champagne flutes

I received for the exact same reason.

Whoa, sounds like someone's
great at their job.

That's amazing, Eliza.

It's amazing? You're
amazed that I can do a job?

Not really. You were doing a great job

of avoiding talking to
me for the past week.

Oh, well, let's just
say, um, I didn't want to.

Eliza, I did not come here to
fight. I just wanted to connect

and talk about what's been going on.

Oh, what has been going
on? Well, let me see.

I'm pretty great. Super-hot boyfriend.

Befriended a working mom.

She's a little bit of a maxxinista,

- but we make it work...
- I'm pregnant!

Eliza, I'm gonna be a mom!

You're gonna be an aunt!

To the baby that I am the mom of!

Aah!

Sorry. I couldn't keep it in
any longer.

The news, not the baby.

What a surprise.

Bethany didn't come to catch up with me.

She came to catch me up on her.

Can we use your champagne
flutes to toast my good news?

The sole purpose of her visit

was to take the spotlight from me

and shine it directly upon herself

and her big, stupid uterus.

I think maybe we'll just
rinse these out first.

And if she could make me
feel bad about myself...

While doing it?

Bonus points.

This must be C.G.I.'d.

This is fake!

I'm gonna die out there.

I'm gonna die out there.

I never should have listened to you.

W-what are you talking about?

Now my sister is in my house, pregnant.

She's pregnant?!

You're gonna be an aunt!
Eliza, congratulations!

Yippee! The greatest thing

that ever happened to
me didn't happen to me.

- It happened to her.
- What are you talking about?

This whole pregnancy is Bethany's way

of trying to make me feel like
my own life is insignificant.

Eliza, you don't actually
think that your sister decided

to have a baby just to spite you?

Well, how else do you explain the fact

that she is due on October 18th?

That is the week before my birthday.

It's like her baby is trying
to bogart October for me.

Eliza, that is insane. Can't
you just be happy for her?

Mm...

No. No.

Hey, are you stalking Freddy?

Don't... Ugh!

I'm not stalking Freddy. I'm
studying him. Sizing him up.

Researching what he does to
prepare for these competitions.

It's no secret that the
two of us are frenemies.

Don't ever use that word.

I don't wanna embarrass myself out there.

Then just ask Freddy for help.
He would love to help you train.

Please. He can't stand me.

Only because he thinks you can't stand him.

Oh, come on. That's why he can't stand me?

So if he thought I could stand him,

- then we'd be able to stand each other?
- Maybe.

I've always thought you guys might like
each other if you didn't hate each other.

And besides, aren't you the one who told me

"sometimes challenging
people come into our lives

for a reason?"

So I agreed to squash it
with Rosemary's baby mama,

and Henry agreed to squat it with Freddy.

It's kinda weird, huh?

It's like a whole weird, uh, role reversal.

In what sense?

Well, I mean, normally, you're
telling Eliza what to do,

and now I'm here telling
you what to do. You know?

Right, but in a true role reversal...

Yeah, whatever, dude.

Don't be so literal, okay?

Literal people can suck it.

But not literally.

Okay. Let's start with a simple salutation

that will open our minds so
that we can challenge our bodies.

Sounds good. Yeah.

Kneel down.

Oh, right here? In the... Dirt?

Now... Repeat after me.

Mm.

"Freddy, help me. Help me, please.

"Without you, I'm nothing.

I'm down on my knees."

All right, I'm not sure that's really...

"Freddy, you're strong,

"and I'm so weak.

"My spirit is old,

but yours is at its peak."

All right.

- Let's get this over with, all right?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm just messing with you, dude.

Look, truth is, with these races,

you can never really be ready.

Okay? That's the most important
thing for you to understand.

You're not ready.

All you can do is just show up,
take what the mud run throws at ya,

which is, you know, usually...

- Mud.
- Ah! You see?

- Literal.
- But not incorrect.

Booyah! Let's get it!

Whoo!

Come on! Whoo!

Yeah! Let's... Get it.

Oh, I think it'll give her
life a whole new purpose.

It has to.

Okay. Hold on.

Dada wants to talk to you!

Dada wants to say hello!

Does your fetus even have ears yet?

Because I don't think it does.

I should probably hop.
Eliza's getting cranky.

No, nothing exciting.

I'm just gonna meet all
the people she works with.

I love you.

I love you more.

Okay, so technically, this isn't work.

It is a work event,

so I need you to not do Bethany things.

What are "Bethany things"?

You know, "everyone, look
at me. No one look at Eliza."

- I don't do that.
- See?

There you go again,
making it all about you.

I really don't wanna fight.

I promise I will just
follow your lead today.

Thank you.

Which means I will not point out that if

you don't change now before
we leave, we're gonna be late.

Not according to Waze.

It was killing her.

She can never let me have the last word.

- Sometimes Waze is wrong.
- Get out of my house!

Hey. Eliza. You need any help? Is this it?

Nope. My sister's
wheeling the keg over now.

- The... the keg?
- I went all out.

I got a keg of beer, a deli ring,

some assorted pastries, a
gallon bag of hot cheetos,

a couple of coffee boxes, and, like, a...

Babe, you... you can't have
any of that during a race.

It's Miller lite.

Should I send somebody out on a run?

I'm really concerned people
are gonna be dehydrated.

Hey. Hey! Don't get all
tense and uptight on me, okay?

You get uptight, it's gonna
seep into your muscles.

You're gonna cramp up.

Great advice, Freddy.
Henry's always uptight.

Yeah, keep it loose,
okay? Loosen up. Come on.

Let me see you get loose.

- Like this?
- Perfect. Yeah.

Now repeat after me.

"Freddy, help me, please... "

Okay, I am done repeating after you.

Eliza, do you want me to
set everything up over here,

in the shade?

See? She wants to keep my refreshments

on the sidelines, where
no one can see them!

I also grabbed some water and bananas

just in case anyone didn't
feel like day-drinking

before the big race.

I don't think anybody's
gonna want those. We've got...

Bananas? Whoo!

So much stuff.

You're gonna kill me
if I grab a banana, huh?

- Don't even think about it.
- Yeah.

- You good?
- Yeah. I'm good.

Oh. You?

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.

You're so busy instructing all of us,
I'm afraid you're neglecting yourself.

For example, is your
right knee bothering you?

'Cause I've noticed

you've been favoring your left all morning.

Trying to get in my
head... through my knee?

Me trying getting in your head?

What was all that stuff
up in the mountain, huh?

Telling me I'll never be ready,

making me kneel down and beg you for help?

I was breaking you down so
I could build you back up.

Okay? It's a very common, uh...

Raj, come on. Help me out here.

- Please don't rope me into conflict.
- Fine.

You don't want my help? That's fine.

You just added another
obstacle to your race, buddy.

And that's me. It's on, bro!

Bro, don't call me "bro," bro.

I'm not your bro. I mean, non-bro.

Here in my hand... the starter's pistol.

But before I fire it,

I'd just like to say... Boo!

Oh! Baby girl, I would be so honored

if you used Charmonique as a middle name.

Now... I don't know how the time went by,

but I best be on my way.

- I know you can do it!
- I can do it!

- How?
- How what?

How do you know she can do it?

If you know the first
thing about Charmonique,

you know that she probably can't do it,

and she's going to hurt herself trying.

I was just trying to be positive.

No, you were just trying
to help her walk away,

thinking, "oh, wow, what a great person,"

- but you and I both know the truth.
- What truth?

That you're not a great person.

Every single thing you've ever done

is designed to make me feel like crap.

I mean, isn't that why you
really came here this weekend?

I came here this weekend to
tell you I'm having a baby.

Well...

Congratulations

on making yet another
human being who will think

you're better than me!

Wow, you really stuck it

to that kind and generous pregnant woman.

Go.

Oh, yeah!

Damn.

Oh, Freddy, huh? Running behind
that inspirational man-God

makes all the pain go away!

Aah! Uhh!

Do I get a participant ribbon for this?

Gone. Is he really that fast?

- It ends now!
- Whoa!

- What is your problem?!
- You're my problem!

With... you're talking down to me,

you're trying to make me feel stupid.

Forcing Eliza to question
our relationship...

It's like you live to undermine me!

Make me feel inferior! Who's inferior now?!

You tell me!

See, that's the knee I was worried about.

Aah!

Uhh!

- Uhh!
- Aah!

And for the record,

you're the one who's undermining.

You challenge everything I say!

You're constantly making
cracks about my age,

and you often besmirch my neckties!

Uhh!

Admit it. You're insanely jealous

of my youth, my girl, of my kick-ass hair!

Oh, beg pardon. My hair
kicks ass in its own right.

Your hair dreams about being my hair.

Hair is not sentient,
and thus cannot dream!

Literally!

You know what I can't dream about?

How many stupid bow ties you must own.

What...

Bethany, what are you doing?!

I'm putting your apartment
back to the way it was

before I tidied up this morning.

Hey! Hey!

No, these go over here.

Someday, when you have a new life

- swelling inside your belly...
- Oh, here we go.

You might wanna reach
out to your only sister

so your baby knows who its family is,

and when that day comes, I
will be there for you, Eliza.

Because you're perfect.

- Because I will understand.
- What do you understand?

You have no idea what it was
like growing up invisible.

Bethany's first haircut,

Bethany's first tooth,

Bethany's first poo-poo in the potty.

Nobody gave a crap when I crapped.

Good lord! Our parents were
going through a divorce, Eliza.

Mom was completely
overwhelmed and doing it alone,

so, yeah, you didn't get
the same amount of attention

that I did, and I'm sorry.

It wasn't fair, but it wasn't my fault,

and it wasn't yours, either.

I always felt like from the moment
I was born, our family fell apart.

Huh. Never really thought
about it that way, but...

I'm serious. I always
thought you blamed me, and...

And that was why you moved away.

I didn't move away. I went to college.

Yeah, for four years.

Yes, Eliza, that's how long college takes.

I guess I took everything too personally.

And that's what kids do.

But we're not kids anymore.

I know.

Maybe Bethany and I were finally done

beating each other up.

A little bit of rivalry can be healthy,

and if you don't let it destroy you...

We tied...

Like in "Rocky 1."

Maybe we should bury the hatchet,

like in "Rocky 3."

It can actually bring you closer.

And tying for second place,

Freddy and Henry,

whose petty rivalry paved
the way for an upset.

Our first-placed winner

is...

Charmonique! Ha ha!

It just goes to show,

sometimes people can surprise you.

After a lifetime of
following my sister around...

She was finally following me back,

and she was right.

We weren't kids anymore.

So it was time to start
acting like an adult.

Mom!

It's Eliza.

So...

How are you?

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