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♪ ♪
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00:00:38,983 --> 00:00:43,983
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
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00:00:45,154 --> 00:00:48,155
♪ ♪
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00:00:48,157 --> 00:00:51,533
ANNOUNCER: In 1991,
she became the first female
5
00:00:51,535 --> 00:00:53,285
late-night talk-show host
on a major network.
6
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:55,037
ANNOUNCER 2: Tonight
with Katherine Newbury
7
00:00:55,039 --> 00:00:56,705
is the gold standard...
8
00:00:56,707 --> 00:00:59,249
ANNOUNCER 3: She has hosted
over 6,000 episodes,
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00:00:59,251 --> 00:01:01,168
winning 43
Primetime Emmy Awards...
10
00:01:01,170 --> 00:01:02,544
ANNOUNCER 4:
She's brilliant.
11
00:01:02,546 --> 00:01:04,379
She is excellence
without compromise.
12
00:01:04,381 --> 00:01:05,714
ANNOUNCER 5:
Ladies and gentlemen,
13
00:01:05,716 --> 00:01:07,090
please welcome to the stage
14
00:01:07,092 --> 00:01:09,176
- this year's recipient...
- Three, two.
15
00:01:09,178 --> 00:01:11,428
...of the American Humor Award,
16
00:01:11,430 --> 00:01:15,265
- Katherine Newbury.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
17
00:01:15,267 --> 00:01:16,975
KATHERINE:
Thank you so much
18
00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:19,895
for this incredible honor,
although I do have to say
19
00:01:19,897 --> 00:01:22,523
I think America is in
a tough spot if it's giving
20
00:01:22,525 --> 00:01:24,942
this amazing award for American
comedy to an Englishwoman.
21
00:01:24,944 --> 00:01:26,401
- (LAUGHTER)
- I guess they're right...
22
00:01:26,403 --> 00:01:28,028
foreigners are taking
all your jobs.
23
00:01:28,030 --> 00:01:29,696
I mean, what happened?
24
00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:32,616
Is there no one funny left
in the country?
25
00:01:32,618 --> 00:01:33,909
Is Martin Short dead?
26
00:01:33,911 --> 00:01:35,202
What about Jerry Seinfeld?
27
00:01:35,204 --> 00:01:36,995
Or how about Alec Baldwin?
28
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:38,455
I mean, come on.
29
00:01:38,457 --> 00:01:40,541
Did someone blow up
the Hamptons?
30
00:01:40,543 --> 00:01:42,835
Whatever the reason,
I'm assuming I'm here because,
31
00:01:42,837 --> 00:01:47,214
28 years ago, you gave me
the greatest honor of my life.
32
00:01:47,216 --> 00:01:49,091
You made me the host
33
00:01:49,093 --> 00:01:51,927
of Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
34
00:01:51,929 --> 00:01:53,973
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
35
00:01:57,893 --> 00:02:00,060
Oh, God. (GROANS)
36
00:02:00,062 --> 00:02:02,646
I have hated many pairs
of shoes in my time,
37
00:02:02,648 --> 00:02:04,731
but none more than these.
38
00:02:04,733 --> 00:02:07,359
And everything hurts.
I'm in hell. How are you?
39
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,319
- I liked your speech.
- But you have notes.
40
00:02:09,321 --> 00:02:11,238
- I know you have notes.
- My only note is
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00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,657
- to drink as much as you want.
- I ran into Steve Martin.
42
00:02:13,659 --> 00:02:15,659
- He sends his love.
- He sends his love?
43
00:02:15,661 --> 00:02:18,871
Jesus Christ.
How sick do people think I am?
44
00:02:18,873 --> 00:02:20,706
Oh, please don't die
before I get home.
45
00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:23,292
I haven't got the strength
to organize your funeral.
46
00:02:23,294 --> 00:02:26,295
- (CHUCKLES) Go party.
- Are you kidding?
47
00:02:26,297 --> 00:02:28,797
My Spanx have actually cut off
the blood supply to my head.
48
00:02:28,799 --> 00:02:31,049
- I'm going to bed.
- (LAUGHS)
49
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,051
- Good night, my love.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
50
00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:35,846
(LAUGHTER)
51
00:02:35,848 --> 00:02:37,639
You know what I hate?
52
00:02:37,641 --> 00:02:39,016
Those friends who are like,
53
00:02:39,018 --> 00:02:40,392
"Oh, can you take off
your shoes?"
54
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Nope, not taking 'em off.
55
00:02:42,688 --> 00:02:44,229
You know why?
56
00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:46,148
'Cause this is not Japan.
57
00:02:46,150 --> 00:02:48,859
It's the United States
of America.
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00:02:48,861 --> 00:02:51,445
Next time you go
to a friend's house
59
00:02:51,447 --> 00:02:53,238
and that friend says,
"Ooh, hold on,
60
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,407
can you take your shoes off?"
here's what you do.
61
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,242
You take one of their shoes,
62
00:02:57,244 --> 00:02:59,536
- and you take a shit in it.
- (LAUGHTER)
63
00:02:59,538 --> 00:03:01,288
All right?
Right in front of them.
64
00:03:01,290 --> 00:03:03,415
Boom.
You're welcome, America.
65
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:06,084
(SIGHS):
Oh, what a wanker.
66
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,669
(PHONE RINGING)
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00:03:07,671 --> 00:03:08,712
RECEPTIONIST: Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
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00:03:08,714 --> 00:03:10,130
So, how did the speech go?
69
00:03:10,132 --> 00:03:11,298
Did you like
what the writers wrote?
70
00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:13,008
Well, I kept the last line.
71
00:03:13,010 --> 00:03:15,260
"Thank you for this honor.
Good night."
72
00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:16,970
I'll take that as a no.
73
00:03:16,972 --> 00:03:19,598
Okay, so the network
has been trying to contact us.
74
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,767
You have to call Caroline back.
75
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:24,394
Oh, I was just reading
about her. Yeah, here.
76
00:03:24,396 --> 00:03:27,564
Listen to this: "As a female
president of a network..."
77
00:03:27,566 --> 00:03:30,317
Don't start any sentence with:
"As a female..."
78
00:03:30,319 --> 00:03:31,568
So tacky.
79
00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:33,153
"I want to remind my network
80
00:03:33,155 --> 00:03:34,571
"that show business
is still business.
81
00:03:34,573 --> 00:03:36,239
When I was at
Harvard Business School,"
82
00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:38,116
where, apparently,
she majored in name-dropping,
83
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:40,661
"I learned that if we're not
hitting prospective consumers
84
00:03:40,663 --> 00:03:43,038
"in all four quadrants,
we are not going to make
85
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,207
a return on our investment."
She sounds hilarious.
86
00:03:45,209 --> 00:03:47,501
- I can't wait to call her back.
- Great.
87
00:03:47,503 --> 00:03:49,378
And Gabe Eichler
is waiting to talk to you.
88
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:52,007
- I don't know who that is.
- He's one of our writers.
89
00:03:53,050 --> 00:03:54,591
Whoopee.
90
00:03:54,593 --> 00:03:56,343
I'm in a single-income
household,
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00:03:56,345 --> 00:03:59,513
and Jen and I just had
our second baby, Taylor.
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00:03:59,515 --> 00:04:01,431
Adorable, huh?
93
00:04:01,433 --> 00:04:03,392
She takes after you.
94
00:04:03,394 --> 00:04:04,685
(CHUCKLING):
Yeah. Thanks.
95
00:04:04,687 --> 00:04:06,436
So there's just
a lot of expenses
96
00:04:06,438 --> 00:04:09,606
at home right now, and...
I think it's time for a raise.
97
00:04:09,608 --> 00:04:11,942
I see.
98
00:04:11,944 --> 00:04:14,695
This is actually
very exciting to me.
99
00:04:14,697 --> 00:04:17,072
- Really? Great.
- Because what you're describing
100
00:04:17,074 --> 00:04:20,575
is the most clear-cut example
of the classic sexist argument
101
00:04:20,577 --> 00:04:22,744
for the advancement of men
in the workplace.
102
00:04:22,746 --> 00:04:24,746
You're asking for a raise
not because of
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00:04:24,748 --> 00:04:26,164
any work-related contribution
you've made,
104
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:28,125
but simply because
you have a family.
105
00:04:28,127 --> 00:04:31,044
And that's why, in the 1950s,
family men were promoted
106
00:04:31,046 --> 00:04:32,796
over the women
they worked with.
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00:04:32,798 --> 00:04:34,381
I've never encountered it,
actually,
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00:04:34,383 --> 00:04:36,717
in such a clean, teachable way.
109
00:04:36,719 --> 00:04:39,052
I don't think that's at all
what's happening.
110
00:04:39,054 --> 00:04:40,595
I can't give you a raise, Gabe.
111
00:04:40,597 --> 00:04:42,848
- It's like giving a raise to a drug addict.
- What?
112
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,558
Well, your situations
are virtually identical.
113
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,268
A drug addict makes
certain decisions
114
00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:48,270
outside of work
for their sense of self
115
00:04:48,272 --> 00:04:50,230
and comfort,
and then the addiction
116
00:04:50,232 --> 00:04:52,983
demands more time, more energy,
more money, just like a child.
117
00:04:52,985 --> 00:04:55,360
- My child's like a drug problem?
- Exactly.
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00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:57,154
You want special treatment.
I'm sure you can see
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00:04:57,156 --> 00:05:00,240
how unfair that would be
to a single man or-or woman.
120
00:05:00,242 --> 00:05:01,825
There are no women
on this staff.
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00:05:01,827 --> 00:05:03,577
- Gabe.
- And the reason there aren't any women
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00:05:03,579 --> 00:05:04,953
is because you hate women.
123
00:05:04,955 --> 00:05:07,122
So you can sit there
spouting all this
124
00:05:07,124 --> 00:05:08,415
pseudo-feminist bullshit,
but we all know
125
00:05:08,417 --> 00:05:09,750
what's going on here.
126
00:05:09,752 --> 00:05:11,960
We need to hire a woman.
127
00:05:11,962 --> 00:05:14,256
You're fired, obviously.
128
00:05:16,592 --> 00:05:18,050
Just so you know,
129
00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:19,885
this show sucks
and has for years.
130
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,803
Everybody's here
for the paycheck.
131
00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:24,890
That would mean so much more
coming from someone with a job.
132
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,308
(QUIETLY):
Sorry, man.
133
00:05:26,310 --> 00:05:28,143
Yeah, sorry.
134
00:05:28,145 --> 00:05:31,021
Bradley, I don't hate women.
135
00:05:31,023 --> 00:05:33,732
I don't think you think
you hate women.
136
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,317
What does that mean?
137
00:05:35,319 --> 00:05:37,611
I think you might have
a problem with women.
138
00:05:37,613 --> 00:05:39,738
I love Mary Tyler Moore.
I love Gilda Radner.
139
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,532
They're both dead.
I-I think you have a problem
140
00:05:42,534 --> 00:05:44,242
with living female writers
on your staff.
141
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,952
You never want to renew
their contracts.
142
00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:48,080
Well, find me one
worth keeping.
143
00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:50,082
- Would a gay guy work?
- No!
144
00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:52,167
(HORNS HONKING)
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00:05:52,169 --> 00:05:54,129
♪ ♪
146
00:06:11,563 --> 00:06:14,689
"I have spread my dreams
under your feet.
147
00:06:14,691 --> 00:06:18,151
Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."
148
00:06:18,153 --> 00:06:19,402
God!
149
00:06:19,404 --> 00:06:21,281
Okay, all right, all right.
150
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:24,866
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS,
DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
151
00:06:24,868 --> 00:06:26,868
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
152
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:28,662
Oh, there's my guy.
153
00:06:28,664 --> 00:06:30,497
- How are you, buddy? Hey.
- Good.
154
00:06:30,499 --> 00:06:31,915
You guys remember my
little brother, Hayes, right?
155
00:06:31,917 --> 00:06:33,625
- Hey.
- He's the funny one in the family.
156
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:36,086
- Oh. What?
- Wait, someone in your family is funny?
157
00:06:36,088 --> 00:06:37,546
- (LIGHT LAUGHTER)
- Hey, man.
158
00:06:37,548 --> 00:06:38,964
Hayes, your timing
could not be better.
159
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,465
- Gabe got fired last week.
- Oh, yeah.
160
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:42,551
See, Gabe asked
if he could go home
161
00:06:42,553 --> 00:06:44,553
and have dinner with his kids.
Suicide.
162
00:06:44,555 --> 00:06:46,346
Yeah, so listen, so when you go
in there, okay, no commitments.
163
00:06:46,348 --> 00:06:47,681
- Okay.
- No girlfriend. All right?
164
00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:49,432
- You're a monk.
- All right.
165
00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:51,309
- Monk. I'm a monk.
- Dad already called the network.
166
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,853
- You got this.
- (WHISPERS): You got this.
167
00:06:52,855 --> 00:06:54,354
- Thank you.
- Good luck, man.
168
00:06:54,356 --> 00:06:55,647
- Thanks.
- Text me after, okay?
169
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,192
All right.
170
00:07:04,533 --> 00:07:06,241
So, you worked
at "Chemical Plant."
171
00:07:06,243 --> 00:07:07,742
Is that a cable show?
172
00:07:07,744 --> 00:07:09,369
No, it's a place.
173
00:07:09,371 --> 00:07:11,163
It's a... a chemical plant.
174
00:07:11,165 --> 00:07:13,081
I still work there, actually.
175
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:15,083
How did you even hear
about this job?
176
00:07:15,085 --> 00:07:16,334
Your submission came
from Margaret Yang
177
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:17,752
at Human Resources.
178
00:07:17,754 --> 00:07:19,004
At the chemical plant
where I work,
179
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,589
there is a corkboard...
180
00:07:20,591 --> 00:07:22,174
you know,
where people hang notices
181
00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:24,426
for bikes, futons,
missing cats...
182
00:07:24,428 --> 00:07:26,511
and one day, I saw a notice
183
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:28,930
for a company-sponsored
essay contest
184
00:07:28,932 --> 00:07:32,058
where the prize was you could
meet any executive you want.
185
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,643
- An essay contest?
- Yes.
186
00:07:33,645 --> 00:07:35,437
To meet an executive, like...
187
00:07:35,439 --> 00:07:37,022
the head of the chemical plant?
188
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,523
Yes, I think that's what
189
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:40,317
you could have picked,
traditionally.
190
00:07:40,319 --> 00:07:42,068
- But you didn't?
- No.
191
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:44,571
I picked Vernon Gleason,
the chief operating officer
192
00:07:44,573 --> 00:07:47,157
for all of Mainline Chemical,
which owns my plant,
193
00:07:47,159 --> 00:07:50,076
but also owns Comtech,
which owns this network,
194
00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:52,204
which owns Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
195
00:07:52,206 --> 00:07:54,623
(LAUGHING):
So... so you went
196
00:07:54,625 --> 00:07:56,708
to our parent's parent company
197
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,501
in order to make
this interview?
198
00:07:58,503 --> 00:08:00,837
- Yep.
- And you have no experience in comedy?
199
00:08:00,839 --> 00:08:02,380
No.
No, I'm obsessed with comedy.
200
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,174
No, I've seen every episode
of this show.
201
00:08:04,176 --> 00:08:06,092
I-I've read every book
written about it.
202
00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:08,470
- I do a little stand-up.
- Where?
203
00:08:08,472 --> 00:08:10,597
If you have a problem,
ask a chemist.
204
00:08:10,599 --> 00:08:13,433
- She'll always have the solution.
- (LAUGHTER)
205
00:08:13,435 --> 00:08:16,603
Which kills with people
who know about chemistry.
206
00:08:16,605 --> 00:08:17,812
And I'm actually emceeing
a benefit
207
00:08:17,814 --> 00:08:19,022
in the city pretty soon.
208
00:08:19,024 --> 00:08:20,440
- It's kind of cool.
- Um...
209
00:08:20,442 --> 00:08:22,859
"Cancer Isn't Funny:
A Night of Comedy
210
00:08:22,861 --> 00:08:25,695
in Support of Lung Cancer."
Jesus Christ.
211
00:08:25,697 --> 00:08:27,280
(PHONE RINGING)
212
00:08:27,282 --> 00:08:29,157
- Yes.
- KATHERINE: Yeah, it's me.
213
00:08:29,159 --> 00:08:30,742
Did you hire a woman yet?
214
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:34,246
- Uh, working on it.
- What's taking so long?
215
00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:36,248
The submissions haven't exactly
been the strongest.
216
00:08:36,250 --> 00:08:37,499
KATHERINE:
Just hire a woman!
217
00:08:37,501 --> 00:08:39,544
(CLICK, DIAL TONE)
218
00:08:40,963 --> 00:08:43,046
I also wanted to add
219
00:08:43,048 --> 00:08:45,298
that I live with
my aunt and uncle
220
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,092
and 11-year-old cousin
in Queens.
221
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,677
I have no friends,
no boyfriend.
222
00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:50,053
I am a monk.
223
00:08:50,055 --> 00:08:51,846
This job would be
my entire life.
224
00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:54,140
Would you consider yourself
a litigious person?
225
00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:56,059
- Litigious?
- A TV writers' room is...
226
00:08:56,061 --> 00:08:59,896
it's not very PC. It can be
a pretty masculine environment.
227
00:08:59,898 --> 00:09:01,648
Oh. I saw most of the writers.
228
00:09:01,650 --> 00:09:03,858
I'm not overly worried
about masculinity.
229
00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:05,862
(CHUCKLES):
Oh.
230
00:09:08,991 --> 00:09:11,616
Uh... you're hired.
231
00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:13,660
For 13 weeks...
and if it doesn't work out,
232
00:09:13,662 --> 00:09:15,370
which it probably won't,
you'll be gone.
233
00:09:15,372 --> 00:09:16,913
I can't believe this.
234
00:09:16,915 --> 00:09:18,873
I thought this was going
very badly.
235
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:20,417
It did, and then it didn't.
236
00:09:20,419 --> 00:09:22,210
Okay, here's my spiel
to all new writers.
237
00:09:22,212 --> 00:09:24,129
Nothing funny happened
after 1995.
238
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:25,797
Don't talk about the Internet.
239
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,424
She doesn't want
to leave her desk.
240
00:09:27,426 --> 00:09:29,092
She certainly doesn't want
to leave the office.
241
00:09:29,094 --> 00:09:30,385
- Here's the new schedule.
- Don't rock the boat.
242
00:09:30,387 --> 00:09:31,970
Oh, but don't use
the expression,
243
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,139
"Don't rock the boat,"
'cause she hates it.
244
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,308
Got it?
245
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:38,935
Didn't you pitch us this same
exact thing last week?
246
00:09:38,937 --> 00:09:40,895
- Yes.
- I didn't... okay, well, I did
247
00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:42,522
- a different iteration.
- Pitched that same thing.
248
00:09:42,524 --> 00:09:45,567
Hey. Guys, uh, this is, um...
249
00:09:45,569 --> 00:09:47,152
- What's your name again?
- Molly.
250
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:49,279
Malee. She used to work
at a chemical plant,
251
00:09:49,281 --> 00:09:51,031
and now she's working here.
252
00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:52,532
Oh. Oh, thank God.
We're starving.
253
00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:53,992
Uh, can you find out what
254
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,702
the soup of the day is
at Au Bon Pain?
255
00:09:55,704 --> 00:09:57,078
MANCUSO: Oh, and I need you
to send some packages
256
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,663
back to L.L.Bean for me.
257
00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:00,206
She's not a
production assistant, dipshits.
258
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:02,252
- She's the new writer.
- Mm-hmm.
259
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:04,921
Hi.
260
00:10:06,631 --> 00:10:08,840
So, you start
tomorrow at 10:00.
261
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,216
- Great.
- Okay.
262
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,260
(DOOR CLOSES)
263
00:10:12,262 --> 00:10:14,012
♪ ♪
264
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,349
RECEPTIONIST: Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.
265
00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:19,726
(SIGHS)
266
00:10:19,728 --> 00:10:21,813
(CHUCKLING)
267
00:10:24,566 --> 00:10:26,316
Are you okay?
268
00:10:26,318 --> 00:10:29,069
I'm so happy, I feel sick.
269
00:10:29,071 --> 00:10:30,697
(MOLLY SNIFFS)
270
00:10:32,824 --> 00:10:34,449
That's our show, everyone.
271
00:10:34,451 --> 00:10:37,079
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.
272
00:10:39,498 --> 00:10:41,083
- (BUZZER BLARES)
- (CHEERING, WHISTLING)
273
00:10:43,001 --> 00:10:44,501
- Brad.
- Yeah.
274
00:10:44,503 --> 00:10:46,503
Who is the woman
who was the second guest?
275
00:10:46,505 --> 00:10:47,670
Dianne Feinstein?
276
00:10:47,672 --> 00:10:49,756
U.S. Senator?
277
00:10:49,758 --> 00:10:52,133
I thought it was Mike Myers
doing a bit in old-lady makeup.
278
00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:54,886
Jesus Christ. Why does she keep
booking these boring old broads
279
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,180
when I rep the funniest
comedians in the city?
280
00:10:57,182 --> 00:10:58,640
KATHERINE:
Probably because I have
281
00:10:58,642 --> 00:11:00,517
a soft spot
for boring old broads.
282
00:11:00,519 --> 00:11:02,435
Speaking as one, hello, Billy.
283
00:11:02,437 --> 00:11:04,729
- Katherine, you look gorgeous as ever.
- Thank you.
284
00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:06,815
To what do I owe the pleasure
of a visit
285
00:11:06,817 --> 00:11:08,566
from the world's pushiest
talent manager?
286
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,610
How about getting some
of my guys on the show?
287
00:11:10,612 --> 00:11:12,362
It'll shake the dust off
of this place.
288
00:11:12,364 --> 00:11:14,197
Dust?
289
00:11:14,199 --> 00:11:16,157
- Well...
- Okay, Billy, I think your charm is wearing off.
290
00:11:16,159 --> 00:11:18,495
- I'll-I'll walk you out.
- You know I'm right.
291
00:11:21,498 --> 00:11:23,289
MOLLY'S MOM (OVER PHONE):
Good for you.
292
00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:24,874
Uh, you're going to go
celebrate
293
00:11:24,876 --> 00:11:26,418
- with your friends?
- Mm-hmm.
294
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:28,169
- We're gonna go get drinks.
- You deserve it.
295
00:11:28,171 --> 00:11:29,921
Okay, Mom, well, I don't want
to keep them waiting.
296
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,589
- I better go.
- (MICROWAVE BEEPS)
297
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,883
- Was that the microwave?
- Oh, no, it's the doorbell.
298
00:11:33,885 --> 00:11:36,680
Be right there, you guys!
Okay, I got to go.
299
00:11:42,811 --> 00:11:45,562
(BUZZER BLARES)
300
00:11:45,564 --> 00:11:47,564
Where did that catchphrase
come from?
301
00:11:47,566 --> 00:11:50,859
"I hope I earned the privilege
of your time"?
302
00:11:50,861 --> 00:11:52,652
It came from me.
(CLEARS THROAT)
303
00:11:52,654 --> 00:11:54,779
Sign of respect
for my audience.
304
00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:56,406
(CHUCKLES)
Your audience.
305
00:11:56,408 --> 00:11:58,533
Your tiny, proper,
catchphrase-loving audience.
306
00:11:58,535 --> 00:12:00,326
It's cute. I like it.
307
00:12:00,328 --> 00:12:01,911
That's a little insulting,
isn't it?
308
00:12:01,913 --> 00:12:03,705
Do you know what's insulting?
Waiting a week
309
00:12:03,707 --> 00:12:05,832
for one of your employees
to call you back.
310
00:12:05,834 --> 00:12:09,294
I apologize. I was away,
accepting an award for comedy.
311
00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,045
Comedy is the
three-and-a-half-minute chunks
312
00:12:11,047 --> 00:12:14,050
of filler on TV between
the commercials you sell.
313
00:12:15,510 --> 00:12:18,511
I came to tell you
this year is your last.
314
00:12:18,513 --> 00:12:19,804
What?
315
00:12:19,806 --> 00:12:22,476
This season is your last.
316
00:12:24,769 --> 00:12:26,769
You're canceling the show?
317
00:12:26,771 --> 00:12:28,313
No, I'm canceling you.
318
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,648
This show is irrelevant.
The ratings reflect that.
319
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,984
Do you want to know
who Jimmy Fallon had on
320
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:36,070
last Tuesday when you had
Doris Kearns Goodwin?
321
00:12:36,072 --> 00:12:37,614
Robert Downey Jr.
322
00:12:37,616 --> 00:12:39,073
They washed a sheepdog
together.
323
00:12:39,075 --> 00:12:40,700
It was fucking glorious.
324
00:12:40,702 --> 00:12:42,535
I'm sorry, Caroline.
325
00:12:42,537 --> 00:12:44,412
Should I have played
giant Connect Four with her
326
00:12:44,414 --> 00:12:45,747
or perhaps sung a karaoke song
327
00:12:45,749 --> 00:12:47,499
on the back
of a tandem bicycle?
328
00:12:47,501 --> 00:12:49,375
It's Doris Kearns Goodwin.
She's a national treasure.
329
00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,294
Agreed. I only wish
she'd been an Avenger
330
00:12:51,296 --> 00:12:53,254
instead of writing books
about Abraham Lincoln.
331
00:12:53,256 --> 00:12:55,340
- She could be an Avenger if she tried.
- Your ratings
332
00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:57,175
have been in a steady decline
the past ten years.
333
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:59,260
You won't even try to appeal
to a mainstream audience.
334
00:12:59,262 --> 00:13:01,137
The worst part is,
you seem proud of it,
335
00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:03,515
as if it's beneath you
to put forth any effort.
336
00:13:03,517 --> 00:13:06,309
It's so... English.
337
00:13:06,311 --> 00:13:09,145
I'm sure that attitude scores
you points at dinner parties,
338
00:13:09,147 --> 00:13:11,147
- but unfortun...
- I don't go to dinner parties.
339
00:13:11,149 --> 00:13:12,482
Who are you replacing me with?
340
00:13:12,484 --> 00:13:14,317
Well, we haven't
decided yet, but...
341
00:13:14,319 --> 00:13:15,904
we will.
342
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:21,743
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.
343
00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,873
KATHERINE: After all the years,
the decades
344
00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:30,959
I've put into that show,
can you believe it?
345
00:13:30,961 --> 00:13:32,794
As a matter of fact, I can.
346
00:13:32,796 --> 00:13:34,796
They're all a bunch of idiots.
347
00:13:34,798 --> 00:13:36,881
I mean, this is the cyclical
nature of late-night TV.
348
00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:39,759
There are gonna be highs,
and there are gonna be slumps.
349
00:13:39,761 --> 00:13:42,845
This particular slump
has lasted for over a decade.
350
00:13:42,847 --> 00:13:45,098
- What?
- The show hasn't been good for years.
351
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:48,186
Wow. I'm glad your candor's
still intact.
352
00:13:54,609 --> 00:13:56,818
Sorry.
353
00:13:56,820 --> 00:13:59,320
But if you felt this way,
why, for God's sake,
354
00:13:59,322 --> 00:14:00,655
didn't you say something?
355
00:14:00,657 --> 00:14:02,448
I thought you knew
and didn't care.
356
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:03,866
- No.
- Are you sure?
357
00:14:03,868 --> 00:14:05,451
Walter, I have invested
in precisely
358
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:07,829
two things my entire life:
you and this show.
359
00:14:07,831 --> 00:14:09,539
I won't lose it now.
I can't.
360
00:14:09,541 --> 00:14:11,332
Then you have to fight again.
361
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:14,002
Something you haven't had to do
for a long, long time.
362
00:14:14,004 --> 00:14:17,380
WALTER:
They want to replace you.
363
00:14:17,382 --> 00:14:19,424
But they can't replace you
364
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:20,594
if everyone loves you.
365
00:14:24,806 --> 00:14:27,517
(SIGHING):
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
366
00:14:30,562 --> 00:14:32,814
(SNORING)
367
00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:35,607
Good morning!
368
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:37,483
Oh, my God, you are so funny.
369
00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:39,861
Why am I even awake right now?
I'm a stand-up.
370
00:14:39,863 --> 00:14:41,946
I didn't even start my set
till 10:00 last night.
371
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:43,781
Yeah, why did Brad want us here
so early anyway?
372
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,158
That makes me kind of nervous.
373
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,118
You're nervous?
That's surprising.
374
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,121
Brad's assistant said he saw
Caroline Morton here yesterday.
375
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:53,835
Caroline Morton? Why would the
head of the network come here?
376
00:15:10,352 --> 00:15:12,352
Well, hopefully, they don't lay
everybody off, you know?
377
00:15:12,354 --> 00:15:14,437
- I need this job.
- They did fire Gabe.
378
00:15:14,439 --> 00:15:16,981
- Hey, babe.
- Gabe should have been fired years ago.
379
00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:19,317
He once went home early
because he had a "bad bagel."
380
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,860
Hey, dickhead,
I shared an office
381
00:15:20,862 --> 00:15:22,654
with that guy for 17 years.
382
00:15:22,656 --> 00:15:25,198
- Oh, I heard he got hired at Kimmel.
- Fuck him.
383
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,991
I thought you said Kimmel
wasn't hiring.
384
00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:29,077
Guys, there's a lot of reasons
Caroline could be here.
385
00:15:29,079 --> 00:15:30,953
Maybe she wants
to sleep with me.
386
00:15:30,955 --> 00:15:33,414
Hey, man, it's a little early
in the morning for you to be
387
00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:35,083
this sexually charged, okay,
so let's just... (GRUNTS)
388
00:15:35,085 --> 00:15:36,918
BRAD: Uh, sorry to interrupt
your coffee cake
389
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,381
and catching up, but Katherine
is in the writers' room.
390
00:15:43,718 --> 00:15:45,679
God.
391
00:15:48,098 --> 00:15:49,972
Uh, if I may,
I just want to say,
392
00:15:49,974 --> 00:15:52,642
it is such an honor
to meet you, Ms. Newbury.
393
00:15:52,644 --> 00:15:54,352
I'm Chris Reynolds.
394
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,688
Uh, my name is Eugene Mancuso,
and when my parents
395
00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:58,648
- got divorced, this show...
- I don't know who any of you are.
396
00:15:58,650 --> 00:16:00,400
I don't know
who any of them are.
397
00:16:00,402 --> 00:16:02,694
- BRAD: Um...
- TOM: Oh, well,
398
00:16:02,696 --> 00:16:05,697
uh, Tom.
I'm-I'm Tom.
399
00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:08,116
I, uh... I write the monologue.
I'm actually the youngest
400
00:16:08,118 --> 00:16:09,659
monologue writer
in the history of the show.
401
00:16:09,661 --> 00:16:10,910
No, no, no. (STAMMERS)
Don't care.
402
00:16:10,912 --> 00:16:12,286
- No? Okay.
- Do you know what?
403
00:16:12,288 --> 00:16:13,913
I'm not gonna remember
any of this,
404
00:16:13,915 --> 00:16:15,123
so here's what we're gonna do.
Um, you're One.
405
00:16:15,125 --> 00:16:18,002
Two. Three.
406
00:16:18,837 --> 00:16:20,962
Four.
407
00:16:20,964 --> 00:16:22,380
BURDITT:
Hi, Katherine.
408
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:24,966
Oh, Burditt. Thank God.
How's your baby?
409
00:16:24,968 --> 00:16:26,426
She's 27.
410
00:16:26,428 --> 00:16:28,094
Her baby's doing well.
411
00:16:28,096 --> 00:16:29,637
She just started preschool.
412
00:16:29,639 --> 00:16:31,055
- She's, uh...
- (MAKES BUZZING SOUND)
413
00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:32,640
Never mind.
I-I don't want to know.
414
00:16:32,642 --> 00:16:34,559
I don't know why I asked,
actually. You're Five.
415
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,477
Six. Seven. That's what I'm
gonna call you all from now on.
416
00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:38,521
- It's just easier.
- Are we allowed to call each other
417
00:16:38,523 --> 00:16:39,814
by our own names?
418
00:16:39,816 --> 00:16:40,982
J-Just learn the numbers,
Reynolds.
419
00:16:40,984 --> 00:16:42,358
- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean Two.
420
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,943
- Yeah.
- TOM: Can One and I switch?
421
00:16:43,945 --> 00:16:45,655
I'm-I'm just...
I'm the most senior writer.
422
00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:48,072
I'll take Seven. Seven.
423
00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:49,365
- Lucky Seven.
- Okay, can we just
424
00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:50,825
get into it now
and see if we can
425
00:16:50,827 --> 00:16:52,368
- salvage anything worth taping?
- Yes.
426
00:16:52,370 --> 00:16:55,538
You-you had that
"Trapped in the Closet" thing.
427
00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:58,708
Why are you dressed like
you work HR at a funeral home?
428
00:16:58,710 --> 00:17:00,042
Pavarti,
I don't look like that.
429
00:17:00,044 --> 00:17:01,586
I look professional.
430
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:04,505
Like I work HR at a law firm.
431
00:17:04,507 --> 00:17:06,551
♪ ♪
432
00:17:19,230 --> 00:17:21,274
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
433
00:17:23,026 --> 00:17:24,859
KATHERINE: Um, anyway,
but it's something like that.
434
00:17:24,861 --> 00:17:26,986
- BRAD: Yeah, you start.
- Okay, um...
435
00:17:26,988 --> 00:17:28,404
Now, but it could be funny.
436
00:17:28,406 --> 00:17:29,739
- That-that'd be your job.
- Who are you?
437
00:17:29,741 --> 00:17:30,907
Uh, I, uh... I-I'm Molly.
438
00:17:30,909 --> 00:17:32,742
I'm a new writer.
439
00:17:32,744 --> 00:17:34,994
- Uh, the new female writer.
- Yeah, I can see that, Brad.
440
00:17:34,996 --> 00:17:36,412
What are those?
441
00:17:36,414 --> 00:17:37,955
These are cupcakes.
442
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:39,999
They're my way
of saying thank you
443
00:17:40,001 --> 00:17:42,502
- for this amazing opportun...
- You're late.
444
00:17:42,504 --> 00:17:44,504
Late?
445
00:17:44,506 --> 00:17:47,173
I thought I was
almost two hours early.
446
00:17:47,175 --> 00:17:48,925
Does it look like you're early?
447
00:17:48,927 --> 00:17:50,760
Uh, Brad told her
we start at 10:00.
448
00:17:50,762 --> 00:17:51,763
Oh.
449
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,597
Well, get in here, then.
450
00:17:54,599 --> 00:17:56,390
- Should I...
- What? You want to sit down?
451
00:17:56,392 --> 00:17:58,726
- Okay. Yeah.
- (CHATTER RESUMES)
452
00:17:58,728 --> 00:18:00,436
MANCUSO: Oh, that's where
Mendelsohn sits.
453
00:18:00,438 --> 00:18:02,605
He's in the bathroom, so...
454
00:18:02,607 --> 00:18:05,608
- Okay.
- And that's McCrary's seat.
455
00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:07,276
- Oh.
- KATHERINE: Where is McCrary?
456
00:18:07,278 --> 00:18:09,570
I told everyone
to be here at 8:00.
457
00:18:09,572 --> 00:18:10,571
Oh, he got a call
from his girlfriend,
458
00:18:10,573 --> 00:18:11,906
so it's gonna be a while.
459
00:18:11,908 --> 00:18:13,783
They're actually
newly long-distance,
460
00:18:13,785 --> 00:18:15,159
- and I think it's been really hard for her.
- Has it been?
461
00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,536
Has it been hard
for McCrary's girlfriend?
462
00:18:16,538 --> 00:18:18,204
Oh, wow, he must be
such a catch.
463
00:18:18,206 --> 00:18:20,540
- Could you sit down, please?
- Uh, I-I-I want to.
464
00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:22,250
- I'm trying.
- Could you try harder?
465
00:18:22,252 --> 00:18:24,752
Uh, yes.
466
00:18:24,754 --> 00:18:27,129
Oh, okay. I'll just use,
uh, this trash can.
467
00:18:27,131 --> 00:18:30,883
There's... you know, there's
hardly any trash in it at all.
468
00:18:30,885 --> 00:18:32,593
- Excuse me. Thank you.
- Yeah.
469
00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:35,304
Ooh, it's kind of comfortable.
Better than a chair.
470
00:18:35,306 --> 00:18:36,764
- You're Eight.
- What?
471
00:18:36,766 --> 00:18:38,140
Your name is Eight.
472
00:18:38,142 --> 00:18:39,642
- I'm Molly.
- None of this matters.
473
00:18:39,644 --> 00:18:41,269
Why would anyone care
what your name is?
474
00:18:41,271 --> 00:18:43,187
Do none of you understand
what is at stake here?
475
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:45,356
I am being replaced
as host of this show
476
00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:48,693
because of declining ratings
and general lack of quality.
477
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,362
- Wait, what?
- The show is great.
478
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,489
Let's see them
do 300 shows a year.
479
00:18:53,491 --> 00:18:54,991
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- What do they expect?
480
00:18:54,993 --> 00:18:57,243
What do they know?
481
00:18:57,245 --> 00:18:58,746
- What do you think?
- (CHATTER STOPS)
482
00:19:00,832 --> 00:19:02,665
Oh, I think it's horrible.
483
00:19:02,667 --> 00:19:04,292
It's terrible.
484
00:19:04,294 --> 00:19:06,711
It's-it's the worst.
It's... I hate it.
485
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:08,713
Please stop saying
synonyms for "bad."
486
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:11,007
Tell me what you think.
487
00:19:11,009 --> 00:19:14,886
If I'm being
completely honest, and...
488
00:19:14,888 --> 00:19:16,470
also acknowledging
how much of a fan
489
00:19:16,472 --> 00:19:18,806
I am of the show
and all of your work,
490
00:19:18,808 --> 00:19:22,268
I think there is room for
a little bit of improvement.
491
00:19:22,270 --> 00:19:23,811
TOM:
Oh, well, sorry the show
492
00:19:23,813 --> 00:19:25,313
doesn't appeal to
the heightened sensibilities
493
00:19:25,315 --> 00:19:26,814
of you and your friends
at the factory.
494
00:19:26,816 --> 00:19:28,691
It's a chemical plant,
not a factory.
495
00:19:28,693 --> 00:19:30,318
- Whatever.
- KATHERINE: Seven's right. It's not the smartest
496
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,861
thing in the world
to come in on your first day
497
00:19:31,863 --> 00:19:33,321
and criticize
a room full of people
498
00:19:33,323 --> 00:19:35,615
who've been doing this
for years, but...
499
00:19:35,617 --> 00:19:37,658
I asked your opinion,
500
00:19:37,660 --> 00:19:40,036
and honestly,
I do not disagree with you.
501
00:19:40,038 --> 00:19:41,787
I've been hearing
a lot of this recently.
502
00:19:41,789 --> 00:19:44,123
Last night, from the person
I know most in the world,
503
00:19:44,125 --> 00:19:46,459
and today, from this person
sitting on a trash can
504
00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:48,127
whom I know the least.
505
00:19:48,129 --> 00:19:50,463
But taking both into account,
506
00:19:50,465 --> 00:19:52,423
the show is bad...
I don't know why...
507
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:54,258
and I think it's your fault.
508
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:56,385
I love you, too.
509
00:19:56,387 --> 00:19:57,929
Oh, you must be McCrary.
510
00:19:57,931 --> 00:19:59,639
- Oh, wow.
- How's your girlfriend?
511
00:19:59,641 --> 00:20:01,933
Good. Really good. Yeah,
she just got this new job,
512
00:20:01,935 --> 00:20:03,392
so she's a little emotional.
513
00:20:03,394 --> 00:20:04,518
- She misses me.
- Well, she's gonna be
514
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,062
seeing a lot more of you now,
515
00:20:06,064 --> 00:20:07,438
'cause you're fired.
Could you see him out?
516
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,231
Now, this is what's
gonna happen.
517
00:20:09,233 --> 00:20:11,734
From this moment forth,
none of you has a life.
518
00:20:11,736 --> 00:20:14,403
You have no wives,
no girlfriends, no kids.
519
00:20:14,405 --> 00:20:15,947
You have only this.
520
00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,615
You live this show.
521
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:19,241
You breathe this show.
522
00:20:19,243 --> 00:20:22,078
When you masturbate,
you think about this show.
523
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,913
You're finally going to earn
those big, fat paychecks
524
00:20:23,915 --> 00:20:25,873
that have been paying
for your divorces
525
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:27,208
and gym memberships
you clearly never use.
526
00:20:27,210 --> 00:20:28,709
Think about
why the show is bad,
527
00:20:28,711 --> 00:20:30,378
and come up with ways
to fix it.
528
00:20:30,380 --> 00:20:32,966
And, Eight, sit on a chair
tomorrow, for God's sake!
529
00:20:34,592 --> 00:20:36,342
Okay.
530
00:20:36,344 --> 00:20:37,885
So...
531
00:20:37,887 --> 00:20:40,721
Can I take
the fired man's seat?
532
00:20:40,723 --> 00:20:42,473
We're all gonna be out of jobs.
533
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,808
I'm gonna have to move
to Long Island City,
534
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,351
probably sell all my clothes.
535
00:20:45,353 --> 00:20:47,269
- Don't be so dramatic.
- Oh, how would you know?
536
00:20:47,271 --> 00:20:48,646
You don't even have
nice clothes.
537
00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,231
Okay, it's not
all that surprising.
538
00:20:50,233 --> 00:20:51,649
Any of your friends talk
about the show anymore?
539
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:52,942
No, it's a relic.
Okay? There's no buzz
540
00:20:52,944 --> 00:20:54,443
- about it at all.
- No. - TOM: Hey.
541
00:20:54,445 --> 00:20:56,070
It's not a relic, okay?
She is an icon.
542
00:20:56,072 --> 00:20:57,321
I mean,
it would take them a month
543
00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:58,572
just to remove
all of her Emmys.
544
00:20:58,574 --> 00:21:00,116
Well, you know, who knows?
545
00:21:00,118 --> 00:21:01,534
Maybe Little Miss
Chemical Plant can help us.
546
00:21:01,536 --> 00:21:03,202
TOM: Please, don't even
joke about that.
547
00:21:03,204 --> 00:21:04,954
You know what, Reynolds?
Give me one of your Xanaxes.
548
00:21:04,956 --> 00:21:06,122
No, I need all my Xannies
now that I'm in the poorhouse.
549
00:21:06,124 --> 00:21:09,250
Molly Patel!
Molly Patel,
550
00:21:09,252 --> 00:21:12,253
- the quality control specialist.
- TOM: Oh, my God.
551
00:21:12,255 --> 00:21:14,714
MANCUSO: Hobbies include
ruining our lives.
552
00:21:14,716 --> 00:21:17,216
TOM: I don't think she's worked
a day in television.
553
00:21:17,218 --> 00:21:18,926
You know, I think
she's a pathological liar.
554
00:21:18,928 --> 00:21:21,429
I wish I was a woman of color
so I could just get
555
00:21:21,431 --> 00:21:23,139
any job I want
with zero qualifications.
556
00:21:23,141 --> 00:21:25,266
We talked about this.
You can't say that.
557
00:21:25,268 --> 00:21:27,977
(CHUCKLING)
558
00:21:27,979 --> 00:21:29,353
Hey, man.
559
00:21:29,355 --> 00:21:31,355
You remember, uh,
Molly from earlier?
560
00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,774
Yes. She told everyone
the show was bad.
561
00:21:33,776 --> 00:21:36,736
That's her. You'll be sharing
an office with her.
562
00:21:36,738 --> 00:21:38,740
Brad? Brad. Brad?
563
00:21:41,325 --> 00:21:43,200
This is nice. Who's that?
564
00:21:43,202 --> 00:21:44,910
That's the guy
whose desk you're taking.
565
00:21:44,912 --> 00:21:47,079
He was fired last week.
566
00:21:47,081 --> 00:21:49,500
He was my best friend.
567
00:21:59,427 --> 00:22:03,596
So...
you must be pretty new, too.
568
00:22:03,598 --> 00:22:05,058
You don't have any stuff.
569
00:22:06,267 --> 00:22:09,101
Oh, I-I've been here 27 years.
570
00:22:09,103 --> 00:22:11,939
In case I get fired, I don't
want to get too comfortable.
571
00:22:14,150 --> 00:22:17,359
So, are you gonna tell me
about your day?
572
00:22:17,361 --> 00:22:19,153
It was a bit like
trying to mount
573
00:22:19,155 --> 00:22:20,529
a prison production
of Hamlet.
574
00:22:20,531 --> 00:22:22,198
But at least prisoners
get sunlight
575
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,742
- and exercise once a day.
- (LAUGHS)
576
00:22:24,744 --> 00:22:26,702
That sounds very promising.
577
00:22:26,704 --> 00:22:28,871
You always worked best
with a captive audience.
578
00:22:28,873 --> 00:22:31,415
(LAUGHS)
579
00:22:31,417 --> 00:22:33,459
Right now it is
a hostile environment
580
00:22:33,461 --> 00:22:35,711
in which to be
an educated white male.
581
00:22:35,713 --> 00:22:38,380
I mean, it's staggering
how unfair it is, okay?
582
00:22:38,382 --> 00:22:40,716
Staggering.
583
00:22:40,718 --> 00:22:42,384
Yeah, they completely
overlooked my brother.
584
00:22:42,386 --> 00:22:43,969
All right.
585
00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:45,346
She's, like, a diversity hire
or something.
586
00:22:45,348 --> 00:22:46,806
Man, she'll be here 13 weeks.
587
00:22:46,808 --> 00:22:48,601
She's, like,
a single mom or something.
588
00:22:51,104 --> 00:22:52,520
Hey.
589
00:22:52,522 --> 00:22:54,188
I'm not a single mom,
by the way.
590
00:22:54,190 --> 00:22:55,439
I just look like one.
591
00:22:55,441 --> 00:22:57,066
And I guess I dress like one.
592
00:22:57,068 --> 00:22:59,527
No, I...
I-I wasn't talking about you.
593
00:22:59,529 --> 00:23:01,612
- Then who were you talking about?
- Uh, my...
594
00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:03,280
cleaning lady.
595
00:23:03,282 --> 00:23:04,992
Your brother lost a job
to your housekeeper?
596
00:23:06,035 --> 00:23:07,409
- Yep.
- Whatever.
597
00:23:07,411 --> 00:23:08,869
Just so you know,
I'd rather be
598
00:23:08,871 --> 00:23:10,329
a diversity hire
than a nepotism hire.
599
00:23:10,331 --> 00:23:12,039
'Cause at least
I had to beat out
600
00:23:12,041 --> 00:23:13,499
every minority and woman
to get here.
601
00:23:13,501 --> 00:23:17,211
You just had to be born.
602
00:23:17,213 --> 00:23:19,880
TOM: Hey, you know, one of my
grandparents was an immigrant.
603
00:23:19,882 --> 00:23:21,757
This documentary was insane.
604
00:23:21,759 --> 00:23:23,217
It said, basically,
we're all covered
605
00:23:23,219 --> 00:23:25,052
in, like, tiny bugs and...
606
00:23:25,054 --> 00:23:27,265
- Oh.
- No cupcakes today.
607
00:23:38,901 --> 00:23:41,360
So, Molly, what is your deal?
608
00:23:41,362 --> 00:23:44,488
Well, I am from central
Pennsylvania. I love to laugh.
609
00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:46,532
No, boring.
Like, what do you hate?
610
00:23:46,534 --> 00:23:48,993
What neighborhood do you
live in? Who are you fucking?
611
00:23:48,995 --> 00:23:51,829
Uh, I, uh... I hate injustice.
612
00:23:51,831 --> 00:23:53,330
(TOM SCOFFS)
613
00:23:53,332 --> 00:23:55,708
I live with my aunt
and uncle in Queens.
614
00:23:55,710 --> 00:23:57,960
And I'm not sleeping
with anybody.
615
00:23:57,962 --> 00:24:00,045
- Where'd you go to school?
- Luzerne Community College.
616
00:24:00,047 --> 00:24:02,006
- Loser Community College?
- (LAUGHTER)
617
00:24:02,008 --> 00:24:04,175
- Luzerne.
- Oh, 'cause it really sounded like you said "loser."
618
00:24:04,177 --> 00:24:06,385
- Yeah, but why would I say that?
- Don't listen to them.
619
00:24:06,387 --> 00:24:08,554
I dropped out of high school
and worked at the docks.
620
00:24:08,556 --> 00:24:10,389
That's why I write
so many jokes about seagulls.
621
00:24:10,391 --> 00:24:12,600
So, what is the stage like?
I cannot wait to see it.
622
00:24:12,602 --> 00:24:14,518
We're not allowed on the stage.
Only Brad and Tom.
623
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,312
TOM: Yeah,
I'm head monologue writer.
624
00:24:16,314 --> 00:24:18,772
You are? 'Cause you hadn't
mentioned it in ten minutes.
625
00:24:18,774 --> 00:24:20,149
- I was worried.
- (LAUGHS)
626
00:24:20,151 --> 00:24:21,567
Wait, so you all write
on the show,
627
00:24:21,569 --> 00:24:23,154
and you've never been
to the stage?
628
00:24:24,197 --> 00:24:25,696
Okay. Okay.
629
00:24:25,698 --> 00:24:27,531
This is how it works.
630
00:24:27,533 --> 00:24:29,158
The writers are supposed
631
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,493
- to get here at 10:00.
- Good morning.
632
00:24:31,495 --> 00:24:33,495
I usually get here at 9:00.
633
00:24:33,497 --> 00:24:35,206
Then we go into our offices
and read
634
00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:36,916
the newspaper headlines
for joke ideas.
635
00:24:36,918 --> 00:24:39,793
Some of us are a little more
focused than others.
636
00:24:39,795 --> 00:24:41,879
Then we submit our jokes to
Brad, who makes his selects.
637
00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:43,839
That's what makes it
in the show.
638
00:24:43,841 --> 00:24:45,382
- Here you go.
- I usually get some good stuff in there.
639
00:24:45,384 --> 00:24:46,926
Ah!
640
00:24:46,928 --> 00:24:48,260
Then we meet up
in the writers' room
641
00:24:48,262 --> 00:24:49,887
to go over Brad's selects.
642
00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:52,348
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Oh, kiss my ass!
643
00:24:52,350 --> 00:24:54,308
Then at 6:30,
the show starts taping,
644
00:24:54,310 --> 00:24:55,684
and we all watch.
645
00:24:55,686 --> 00:24:58,604
And that is how we make
a TV show.
646
00:24:58,606 --> 00:25:01,941
So you never interact with her
once the entire day?
647
00:25:01,943 --> 00:25:04,237
Until yesterday, most of us
hadn't even met her.
648
00:25:06,239 --> 00:25:08,489
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
649
00:25:08,491 --> 00:25:09,740
I thought this was
the women's room.
650
00:25:09,742 --> 00:25:11,367
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
651
00:25:11,369 --> 00:25:12,826
You're right. It is...
it is the women's room.
652
00:25:12,828 --> 00:25:14,328
We just... we haven't had
a woman here
653
00:25:14,330 --> 00:25:17,206
in, like, ever,
so yeah, we use it.
654
00:25:17,208 --> 00:25:18,832
Doesn't Katherine mind?
655
00:25:18,834 --> 00:25:20,292
You kidding me?
No, she doesn't come in here.
656
00:25:20,294 --> 00:25:21,669
She has her own bathroom.
657
00:25:21,671 --> 00:25:23,837
We actually...
we-we come in here to...
658
00:25:23,839 --> 00:25:25,589
to take a shit.
659
00:25:25,591 --> 00:25:29,551
I don't understand anything
about this job.
660
00:25:29,553 --> 00:25:32,054
Well, you're right about
not being allowed on set.
661
00:25:32,056 --> 00:25:33,389
It's fucked up.
662
00:25:33,391 --> 00:25:35,140
So, why don't you say
something?
663
00:25:35,142 --> 00:25:37,309
(LAUGHS) Like,
"See Something, Say Something"?
664
00:25:37,311 --> 00:25:39,311
Because it's not
airport security, Molly.
665
00:25:39,313 --> 00:25:40,813
It's a TV show.
666
00:25:40,815 --> 00:25:45,317
And she's not the, uh,
classy role model
667
00:25:45,319 --> 00:25:47,780
you've been watching
on TV for 20 years.
668
00:25:50,449 --> 00:25:52,032
Hey, you know... you know what?
669
00:25:52,034 --> 00:25:54,159
I'm doing stand-up
tomorrow night, all right?
670
00:25:54,161 --> 00:25:55,703
Come see me.
671
00:25:55,705 --> 00:25:57,748
We'll get a drink after.
672
00:25:59,625 --> 00:26:01,294
(DOOR OPENS)
673
00:26:02,378 --> 00:26:03,752
(DOOR CLOSES)
674
00:26:03,754 --> 00:26:05,129
Okay.
Let's get going, everybody.
675
00:26:05,131 --> 00:26:06,964
One, you're up.
676
00:26:06,966 --> 00:26:09,466
I have an idea entitled
"Hollywood Zoo."
677
00:26:09,468 --> 00:26:11,635
It's animals
that look like celebrities.
678
00:26:11,637 --> 00:26:14,888
- No.
- And... or celebrities that look like animals?
679
00:26:14,890 --> 00:26:16,849
Can I? Okay.
680
00:26:16,851 --> 00:26:19,270
"Shrimp My Ride."
681
00:26:20,479 --> 00:26:22,062
"Fancy Pelosi."
682
00:26:22,064 --> 00:26:24,815
"Celebrity Fitted-Sheet
Folding Challenge."
683
00:26:24,817 --> 00:26:26,358
Yeah, we worked
on that together.
684
00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:27,651
It's where we have you
and a celebrity race
685
00:26:27,653 --> 00:26:28,986
to fold a fitted sheet.
686
00:26:28,988 --> 00:26:30,988
(CHUCKLES)
You know what? Forget it.
687
00:26:30,990 --> 00:26:33,532
Can I just remind
everybody here
688
00:26:33,534 --> 00:26:37,119
that the stakes
could not be higher.
689
00:26:37,121 --> 00:26:38,787
- Two, go.
- Uh, okay.
690
00:26:38,789 --> 00:26:40,539
So, the Miss America pageant
691
00:26:40,541 --> 00:26:42,499
and the Westminster Dog Show
are both the same week.
692
00:26:42,501 --> 00:26:44,335
So I thought,
why not combine the two?
693
00:26:44,337 --> 00:26:45,961
We ask the girls
to run around in a circle,
694
00:26:45,963 --> 00:26:48,130
and we ask the dogs
their take on immigration.
695
00:26:48,132 --> 00:26:50,424
Oh, the Miss America pageant.
696
00:26:50,426 --> 00:26:52,551
The scholarship competition
where it's still appropriate
697
00:26:52,553 --> 00:26:54,303
to ask a beautiful teenager
from Tampa
698
00:26:54,305 --> 00:26:55,679
who can't afford college
699
00:26:55,681 --> 00:26:57,723
but who can afford
breast implants
700
00:26:57,725 --> 00:26:59,099
about world peace.
701
00:26:59,101 --> 00:27:00,059
No, we're not gonna be
doing that.
702
00:27:00,061 --> 00:27:01,143
Where's John Phillips?
703
00:27:01,145 --> 00:27:02,061
I want to hear his pitches.
704
00:27:02,063 --> 00:27:04,607
- Um...
- Um...
705
00:27:06,067 --> 00:27:07,232
What?
706
00:27:07,234 --> 00:27:10,819
Uh, John died in 2012.
707
00:27:10,821 --> 00:27:12,446
John's dead?
Are you kidding me?
708
00:27:12,448 --> 00:27:15,157
About the death
of our coworker? No.
709
00:27:15,159 --> 00:27:16,700
Oh, that's terrible.
710
00:27:16,702 --> 00:27:19,119
- He was so funny.
- Yeah.
711
00:27:19,121 --> 00:27:20,996
Eight, what?
712
00:27:20,998 --> 00:27:23,415
First of all,
I'm very sorry for your loss.
713
00:27:23,417 --> 00:27:25,167
He sounded like
an incredible person.
714
00:27:25,169 --> 00:27:27,544
Second, I'm really honored
715
00:27:27,546 --> 00:27:29,588
to be presenting my ideas
here today.
716
00:27:29,590 --> 00:27:31,632
Oh, God, I wish I was
John Phillips.
717
00:27:31,634 --> 00:27:33,509
So, I thought I would
take a step back
718
00:27:33,511 --> 00:27:35,260
and see what wasn't working.
719
00:27:35,262 --> 00:27:37,137
This is what I do
at quality control
720
00:27:37,139 --> 00:27:39,390
at the chemical plant, and I
thought I would do that here.
721
00:27:39,392 --> 00:27:42,851
The headline of my analysis
is "Complacency."
722
00:27:42,853 --> 00:27:45,521
And I noticed that there's
three major areas
723
00:27:45,523 --> 00:27:47,314
where there could be
a lot of improvement.
724
00:27:47,316 --> 00:27:49,441
The first is your
overall unwillingness to do
725
00:27:49,443 --> 00:27:51,318
high-concept recurring bits...
you know, where you have to
726
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,112
physically leave the studio.
727
00:27:53,114 --> 00:27:55,322
Those are the ones that can
go viral if executed well.
728
00:27:55,324 --> 00:27:59,284
The second is your total lack
of presence on social media.
729
00:27:59,286 --> 00:28:01,662
You seem to have contempt
for it, which feels ill-advised
730
00:28:01,664 --> 00:28:04,289
because most of your audience
is watching on their phones.
731
00:28:04,291 --> 00:28:06,417
The third:
I think people get very excited
732
00:28:06,419 --> 00:28:08,210
when you share your beliefs.
733
00:28:08,212 --> 00:28:10,212
So, what you just said
about the Miss America pageant,
734
00:28:10,214 --> 00:28:11,839
that was awesome.
735
00:28:11,841 --> 00:28:13,841
When you reveal those kind
of strong opinions,
736
00:28:13,843 --> 00:28:16,009
it's when you really
come alive as a performer.
737
00:28:16,011 --> 00:28:18,512
That's when I come alive
as a performer?
738
00:28:18,514 --> 00:28:20,305
- Yeah.
- Can I see that?
739
00:28:20,307 --> 00:28:22,226
Absolutely.
740
00:28:23,978 --> 00:28:25,894
I just want to say,
I'm no longer attached
741
00:28:25,896 --> 00:28:27,563
to this idea
in any shape or form.
742
00:28:27,565 --> 00:28:29,982
Thank you so much.
743
00:28:29,984 --> 00:28:32,111
(SIGHS)
744
00:28:34,071 --> 00:28:35,946
Mm-hmm.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
745
00:28:35,948 --> 00:28:39,116
So, what's the solution?
746
00:28:39,118 --> 00:28:41,326
Oh, I don't have one.
747
00:28:41,328 --> 00:28:43,912
Just to be clear, you don't
have any new ideas or jokes?
748
00:28:43,914 --> 00:28:45,956
No.
749
00:28:45,958 --> 00:28:47,833
KATHERINE: Okay,
I've been doing this job
750
00:28:47,835 --> 00:28:49,460
for nearly 30 years,
and I know what works.
751
00:28:49,462 --> 00:28:51,378
And I'll tell you
what doesn't work:
752
00:28:51,380 --> 00:28:53,422
an absurdly confident newcomer
coming in, criticizing my show
753
00:28:53,424 --> 00:28:56,717
and giving me her assessment
of my comic persona
754
00:28:56,719 --> 00:28:59,636
without doing the hard work of
presenting me with solutions.
755
00:28:59,638 --> 00:29:01,680
This-this room is a ship.
756
00:29:01,682 --> 00:29:03,348
I am the captain,
and you have barely
757
00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:04,892
earned the right to be an oar.
758
00:29:04,894 --> 00:29:07,938
Do I make myself clear, Eight?
759
00:29:09,106 --> 00:29:11,815
(SIGHS)
I have not changed.
760
00:29:11,817 --> 00:29:13,734
The audience has changed.
They don't want smart comedy.
761
00:29:13,736 --> 00:29:15,736
They want Kevin Hart
on a Slip 'N Slide,
762
00:29:15,738 --> 00:29:17,404
so let's just give them
what they want.
763
00:29:17,406 --> 00:29:19,573
Who's the most tacky
famous person out there?
764
00:29:19,575 --> 00:29:21,116
Reality star?
765
00:29:21,118 --> 00:29:22,826
No, a YouTube celebrity.
There was one at the club
766
00:29:22,828 --> 00:29:24,703
I was at last night,
and I got trampled.
767
00:29:24,705 --> 00:29:26,413
It was the most glamorous thing
that's ever happened to me
768
00:29:26,415 --> 00:29:27,831
- in my entire life.
- (SIGHS) What?
769
00:29:27,833 --> 00:29:29,291
Wait. Come on,
we're-we're not really
770
00:29:29,293 --> 00:29:30,417
considering doing this,
though, right?
771
00:29:30,419 --> 00:29:32,044
- Mimi Mismatch.
- Who?
772
00:29:32,046 --> 00:29:33,921
She is a YouTube star
who does comic sketches
773
00:29:33,923 --> 00:29:35,589
in the basement
of her parents' house.
774
00:29:35,591 --> 00:29:37,299
- Oh, my God.
- Uh, uh, she has
775
00:29:37,301 --> 00:29:38,884
- 25 million Twitter followers.
- Okay.
776
00:29:38,886 --> 00:29:40,802
My daughters are obsessed
with her. She, um...
777
00:29:40,804 --> 00:29:42,804
Just book her,
book her, book her.
778
00:29:42,806 --> 00:29:44,850
♪ ♪
779
00:29:48,020 --> 00:29:50,481
- (CRYING)
- (DOOR OPENS)
780
00:29:53,984 --> 00:29:56,028
Sorry.
781
00:29:58,948 --> 00:30:01,031
I really got to go.
782
00:30:01,033 --> 00:30:03,075
- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry. Yeah.
783
00:30:03,077 --> 00:30:05,619
- Or I can... you can...
- I... Okay, okay.
784
00:30:05,621 --> 00:30:07,414
Okay.
785
00:30:10,376 --> 00:30:12,084
(MOLLY CRYING)
786
00:30:12,086 --> 00:30:14,046
Oh, my God.
787
00:30:16,799 --> 00:30:19,051
(SIGHS) Okay.
788
00:30:21,345 --> 00:30:23,470
This has to stop.
789
00:30:23,472 --> 00:30:26,265
(CRYING CONTINUES)
790
00:30:26,267 --> 00:30:28,433
- (GRUNTS)
- MOLLY (CRYING): I don't know.
791
00:30:28,435 --> 00:30:31,061
Maybe I should just move
back to Pennsylvania.
792
00:30:31,063 --> 00:30:33,313
Can I give you some advice?
793
00:30:33,315 --> 00:30:35,023
You need to shut the fuck up.
794
00:30:35,025 --> 00:30:36,608
Excuse me?
795
00:30:36,610 --> 00:30:38,735
If you hear something
you don't agree with,
796
00:30:38,737 --> 00:30:41,405
you have to resist the urge
to give your opinion.
797
00:30:41,407 --> 00:30:43,031
I will not be marginalized
798
00:30:43,033 --> 00:30:45,158
by the iron fist
of white privilege
799
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:47,202
that pervades
this work environment.
800
00:30:47,204 --> 00:30:50,122
I am not trying to silence
your strong female Indian
801
00:30:50,124 --> 00:30:52,749
woman of color spirit,
hashtag MeToo,
802
00:30:52,751 --> 00:30:54,376
TransIsBeautiful,
blah, blah, blah.
803
00:30:54,378 --> 00:30:57,254
You're still a new writer
with no experience.
804
00:30:57,256 --> 00:31:00,716
You need to stop giving advice
and write something.
805
00:31:00,718 --> 00:31:02,676
You're a writer, so write.
806
00:31:02,678 --> 00:31:04,428
Okay.
807
00:31:04,430 --> 00:31:06,138
Come on.
You get more work done
808
00:31:06,140 --> 00:31:07,889
on top of the desk
than under it.
809
00:31:07,891 --> 00:31:10,892
- It's gonna be all right.
- Thank you.
810
00:31:10,894 --> 00:31:13,270
KATHERINE (ON MONITOR):
...because of a coyote warning.
811
00:31:13,272 --> 00:31:15,188
Not to worry, though...
they managed to get out
812
00:31:15,190 --> 00:31:17,816
in the nick of time.
Beep, beep.
813
00:31:17,818 --> 00:31:20,235
I don't...
I don't understand that.
814
00:31:20,237 --> 00:31:22,321
BRAD (IMITATING ROAD RUNNER):
Meep, meep. Meep, meep.
815
00:31:22,323 --> 00:31:23,947
Burditt, what are they doing?
816
00:31:23,949 --> 00:31:25,657
They're practicing
the monologue.
817
00:31:25,659 --> 00:31:27,326
- It's the Road Runner thing.
- Oh, the Road Runner.
818
00:31:27,328 --> 00:31:29,369
- What, the enemy of Wile E. Coyote?
- Meep, meep.
819
00:31:29,371 --> 00:31:31,038
BRAD:
Yeah, exactly.
820
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:32,873
KATHERINE (ON COMPUTER):
Today, while President Bush
821
00:31:32,875 --> 00:31:35,834
underwent a medical procedure,
Vice President Dick Cheney
822
00:31:35,836 --> 00:31:37,919
was acting president
for two hours and 15 minutes,
823
00:31:37,921 --> 00:31:41,006
which is longer than any woman.
824
00:31:41,008 --> 00:31:43,218
- That's it. That's the joke.
- (LAUGHTER)
825
00:31:52,728 --> 00:31:54,478
Okay, so I think we're good
for the monologue
826
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:55,896
unless I'm, uh,
missing something.
827
00:31:55,898 --> 00:31:57,358
I have some jokes
for the monologue.
828
00:31:58,776 --> 00:32:01,068
Uh, well, you don't write
the monologue.
829
00:32:01,070 --> 00:32:02,778
Yeah, but I wrote
some jokes for it.
830
00:32:02,780 --> 00:32:03,820
And I have some ideas
for Katherine's hair,
831
00:32:03,822 --> 00:32:04,821
but that's not my job.
832
00:32:04,823 --> 00:32:06,490
Seven, shut up.
833
00:32:06,492 --> 00:32:08,160
Eight, for God's sake, go.
834
00:32:09,745 --> 00:32:12,204
I shouldn't do this
in an English accent, should I?
835
00:32:12,206 --> 00:32:13,997
No.
836
00:32:13,999 --> 00:32:16,208
Three Republican senators
are proposing a bill
837
00:32:16,210 --> 00:32:18,126
to yet again defund
Planned Parenthood.
838
00:32:18,128 --> 00:32:20,879
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives
839
00:32:20,881 --> 00:32:22,422
are the ones getting laid
the least.
840
00:32:22,424 --> 00:32:23,965
- (CHUCKLES)
- I never thought I'd say this,
841
00:32:23,967 --> 00:32:25,550
but thank God I'm going
through menopause.
842
00:32:25,552 --> 00:32:27,469
Good Lord, Eight.
843
00:32:27,471 --> 00:32:29,429
Well, you're the only
late-night talk-show host
844
00:32:29,431 --> 00:32:30,764
who can make that joke.
845
00:32:30,766 --> 00:32:31,932
Plus, you're pro-choice,
aren't you?
846
00:32:31,934 --> 00:32:33,767
I am. What do you think, Seven?
847
00:32:33,769 --> 00:32:35,644
My philosophy is that the show
is generally better
848
00:32:35,646 --> 00:32:37,104
without the specter
of abortion in it.
849
00:32:37,106 --> 00:32:38,355
But, you know, that's just me.
850
00:32:38,357 --> 00:32:40,315
I think it's audacious.
851
00:32:40,317 --> 00:32:43,110
Do... do people really want
to hear about menopause?
852
00:32:43,112 --> 00:32:44,569
'Cause I-I don't.
853
00:32:44,571 --> 00:32:45,946
I don't know,
I kind of liked it.
854
00:32:45,948 --> 00:32:47,698
BRAD:
No, no, it is too political.
855
00:32:47,700 --> 00:32:49,991
- We don't do that.
- We haven't done that in a while.
856
00:32:49,993 --> 00:32:51,368
Okay, so we'll start
with fracking
857
00:32:51,370 --> 00:32:53,245
and we work our way up
to abortion.
858
00:32:53,247 --> 00:32:55,791
People would talk about it,
for sure. And you believe it.
859
00:32:56,834 --> 00:32:58,417
It's a bit long.
860
00:32:58,419 --> 00:33:01,004
Trim it and put it
in the monologue.
861
00:33:02,256 --> 00:33:03,672
Okay.
862
00:33:03,674 --> 00:33:06,049
KATHERINE (OVER MONITOR):
...to Vegas,
863
00:33:06,051 --> 00:33:07,509
40 tourists were...
864
00:33:07,511 --> 00:33:09,302
Listen, you've written
it out with 40.
865
00:33:09,304 --> 00:33:10,679
No, not make it bigger.
866
00:33:10,681 --> 00:33:12,514
- Make it wide...
- That's got to be a word.
867
00:33:12,516 --> 00:33:14,349
- BRAD: Yeah.
- Okay, but don't change it now.
868
00:33:14,351 --> 00:33:15,851
There's no point. Okay.
869
00:33:15,853 --> 00:33:17,436
Today, in Las Vegas,
40 tourists were...
870
00:33:17,438 --> 00:33:18,895
Burditt,
I'm going to the bathroom.
871
00:33:18,897 --> 00:33:21,108
You never have to tell me that.
872
00:33:22,151 --> 00:33:25,193
♪ ♪
873
00:33:25,195 --> 00:33:27,156
- (BELL RINGS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
874
00:33:33,829 --> 00:33:36,580
"I have spread my dreams
under your feet.
875
00:33:36,582 --> 00:33:40,125
Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."
876
00:33:40,127 --> 00:33:42,169
Is that William Butler Yeats?
877
00:33:42,171 --> 00:33:44,337
- Oh.
- (BAND WARMING UP)
878
00:33:44,339 --> 00:33:46,882
- Uh, yeah, it is.
- You're not supposed to be here.
879
00:33:46,884 --> 00:33:50,177
- What?
- (BAND PLAYING SHOW THEME)
880
00:33:50,179 --> 00:33:51,638
- All right.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
881
00:33:59,396 --> 00:34:01,104
Mimi Mismatch is here.
882
00:34:01,106 --> 00:34:02,898
I got a selfie.
883
00:34:02,900 --> 00:34:05,275
Maybe now my daughters
will start talking to me again.
884
00:34:05,277 --> 00:34:07,944
So, you're doing
the Planned Parenthood joke?
885
00:34:07,946 --> 00:34:10,614
- Mm-hmm.
- Be careful of showing who you are.
886
00:34:10,616 --> 00:34:12,407
Once you turn that switch on,
887
00:34:12,409 --> 00:34:14,119
you can never
turn it off again.
888
00:34:21,710 --> 00:34:24,628
ANNOUNCER:
Katherine Newbury.
889
00:34:24,630 --> 00:34:26,421
- (CROWD LAUGHING)
- Yeah.
890
00:34:26,423 --> 00:34:30,050
And I have not seen anyone
so poorly received
891
00:34:30,052 --> 00:34:31,510
since I took
a peanut butter sandwich
892
00:34:31,512 --> 00:34:32,803
into an elementary school.
893
00:34:32,805 --> 00:34:35,641
(LAUGHTER)
894
00:34:37,351 --> 00:34:40,101
It was announced today
Starbucks will no longer
895
00:34:40,103 --> 00:34:42,187
be requiring a purchase
to use their restrooms.
896
00:34:42,189 --> 00:34:45,065
Oh, no. I'm worried
they might get disgusting.
897
00:34:45,067 --> 00:34:46,316
(LAUGHTER)
898
00:34:46,318 --> 00:34:47,734
(WHISPERS):
My joke's next.
899
00:34:47,736 --> 00:34:48,821
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
900
00:34:55,536 --> 00:34:58,495
So, there's an owl that's been
dive-bombing tourists
901
00:34:58,497 --> 00:35:00,247
- in Times Square.
- She skipped it.
902
00:35:00,249 --> 00:35:01,790
KATHERINE:
Very dramatic.
903
00:35:01,792 --> 00:35:03,500
Not the only species
angry about the price
904
00:35:03,502 --> 00:35:07,295
- of Hamilton tickets, I see.
- (LAUGHTER)
905
00:35:07,297 --> 00:35:09,464
(BAND PLAYING SHOW THEME)
906
00:35:09,466 --> 00:35:11,049
We're back. I'm excited.
907
00:35:11,051 --> 00:35:14,177
I'm here with YouTube
phenomenon Mimi Mismatch.
908
00:35:14,179 --> 00:35:16,515
- (CHEERING)
- (MIMI LAUGHING)
909
00:35:19,685 --> 00:35:22,853
And the bit that launched you
into superstardom, really,
910
00:35:22,855 --> 00:35:26,356
was you with your dog...
Lenny. Here he is.
911
00:35:26,358 --> 00:35:29,025
And you sniffing his butt,
sniffing Lenny's butt,
912
00:35:29,027 --> 00:35:31,653
and you pretend to faint.
913
00:35:31,655 --> 00:35:33,947
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
914
00:35:33,949 --> 00:35:36,533
Because it smelled real bad.
Yeah.
915
00:35:36,535 --> 00:35:40,495
And, um, how on earth
did you come up with that?
916
00:35:40,497 --> 00:35:42,831
My dog Lenny had colitis
917
00:35:42,833 --> 00:35:46,585
and, for a while,
had a real smelly butt.
918
00:35:46,587 --> 00:35:49,546
So I took my life,
and I filmed it,
919
00:35:49,548 --> 00:35:52,924
because I find that the
best comedy comes from truth.
920
00:35:52,926 --> 00:35:54,426
How wise.
921
00:35:54,428 --> 00:35:56,803
And these little videos
of yours
922
00:35:56,805 --> 00:35:59,472
are your, as it were,
contribution to the world?
923
00:35:59,474 --> 00:36:02,809
Your way of pushing
mankind forward?
924
00:36:02,811 --> 00:36:04,603
- (LAUGHTER)
- Well, they're fun.
925
00:36:04,605 --> 00:36:07,939
What would you say
was your calling?
926
00:36:07,941 --> 00:36:09,816
My calling?
927
00:36:09,818 --> 00:36:11,985
Yes, I mean, what is it
you're most passionate about?
928
00:36:11,987 --> 00:36:14,988
Is it dog butt videos,
or would you ever expand
929
00:36:14,990 --> 00:36:17,782
into... cat butt videos, say?
930
00:36:17,784 --> 00:36:20,327
(CROWD LAUGHING, GROANING)
931
00:36:20,329 --> 00:36:22,078
I know what you're doing.
932
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,122
- Excuse me?
- You're mocking me.
933
00:36:24,124 --> 00:36:27,208
You think that because
my videos are light and silly
934
00:36:27,210 --> 00:36:29,794
that I'm somehow
intellectually inferior to you?
935
00:36:29,796 --> 00:36:32,047
The only reason that I said yes
to this talk show
936
00:36:32,049 --> 00:36:34,633
is because my mom said
you were smart.
937
00:36:34,635 --> 00:36:37,177
But now I see that you are just
a bitter, out of touch,
938
00:36:37,179 --> 00:36:39,137
- old lady who's mean to people she's...
- Go, go.
939
00:36:39,139 --> 00:36:40,847
- ...never even met before.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
940
00:36:40,849 --> 00:36:42,390
- (BAND PLAYING)
- And the fact of the matter is...
941
00:36:42,392 --> 00:36:44,267
is that you need me,
not the other way around.
942
00:36:44,269 --> 00:36:45,268
Bye.
943
00:36:45,270 --> 00:36:47,481
♪ ♪
944
00:36:48,690 --> 00:36:50,774
- (BUZZER BLARES)
- Uh, I don't know.
945
00:36:50,776 --> 00:36:52,817
- I'm sorry about that.
- Did you not prep her?
946
00:36:52,819 --> 00:36:54,861
(HORN HONKING)
947
00:36:54,863 --> 00:36:56,571
- Who here is good at sex?
- MAN: Yeah!
948
00:36:56,573 --> 00:36:58,198
- (CHEERING, WHOOPING)
- Oh, all right, okay.
949
00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:00,283
- (LAUGHTER)
- Now, I think
950
00:37:00,285 --> 00:37:02,410
that we're all about the same.
951
00:37:02,412 --> 00:37:06,164
All right? 'Cause the truth is
there are like ten sex acts.
952
00:37:06,166 --> 00:37:08,708
And-and if you're... if you're
an average American guy,
953
00:37:08,710 --> 00:37:10,794
you only need to do
the first five.
954
00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:12,337
- (LAUGHTER)
- That thought is
955
00:37:12,339 --> 00:37:14,005
entering your head:
"I'm gonna go to six.
956
00:37:14,007 --> 00:37:15,423
I'm going..."
Especially you.
957
00:37:15,425 --> 00:37:17,842
- Do not go to six.
- (LAUGHTER)
958
00:37:17,844 --> 00:37:22,055
'Cause everybody's number six
is different.
959
00:37:22,057 --> 00:37:23,348
What was your favorite part?
960
00:37:23,350 --> 00:37:24,849
MOLLY:
You assumed I had one?
961
00:37:24,851 --> 00:37:26,977
Yeah. I was watching you,
and you liked it.
962
00:37:26,979 --> 00:37:28,395
I did like it.
963
00:37:28,397 --> 00:37:30,605
I-I like how relaxed you are.
964
00:37:30,607 --> 00:37:32,691
Like you're not doing it
for them.
965
00:37:32,693 --> 00:37:34,275
You know,
you're doing it for you.
966
00:37:34,277 --> 00:37:36,569
I've never been relaxed
a day in my life.
967
00:37:36,571 --> 00:37:38,321
No, I know,
you're the hardest worker
968
00:37:38,323 --> 00:37:39,990
I've ever met, besides Tom.
969
00:37:39,992 --> 00:37:42,200
Which is probably why
he's so threatened by you.
970
00:37:42,202 --> 00:37:43,952
Well, he shouldn't be.
Katherine cut my joke.
971
00:37:43,954 --> 00:37:46,329
It was so embarrassing.
I told my mom to watch.
972
00:37:46,331 --> 00:37:48,456
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
973
00:37:48,458 --> 00:37:50,500
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.
974
00:37:50,502 --> 00:37:53,253
That's like guaranteeing
that they cut your joke.
975
00:37:53,255 --> 00:37:56,214
Also, um, get ready for this.
976
00:37:56,216 --> 00:37:59,050
Like, you'll spend all day
writing 50 jokes,
977
00:37:59,052 --> 00:38:02,345
and they'll cut all of them,
and you will have achieved
978
00:38:02,347 --> 00:38:06,349
as much as if you just stayed
at home and called in sick.
979
00:38:06,351 --> 00:38:07,726
Okay.
980
00:38:07,728 --> 00:38:09,811
- So let me get this straight.
- Mm-hmm.
981
00:38:09,813 --> 00:38:11,771
- Never use the women's restroom.
- Mm-hmm.
982
00:38:11,773 --> 00:38:13,481
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.
983
00:38:13,483 --> 00:38:15,233
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't decorate your office.
984
00:38:15,235 --> 00:38:16,818
- And be fine being completely obsolete.
- (CHUCKLING)
985
00:38:16,820 --> 00:38:19,070
So just don't enjoy your job.
986
00:38:19,072 --> 00:38:22,490
- Uh, exactly. Yeah.
- Oh.
987
00:38:22,492 --> 00:38:24,659
Oh, Tom tells me
you do stand-up.
988
00:38:24,661 --> 00:38:26,327
- Are you good?
- Oh, no.
989
00:38:26,329 --> 00:38:28,747
No, it's just a way for me
to test out material.
990
00:38:28,749 --> 00:38:30,331
I am emceeing a show soon.
991
00:38:30,333 --> 00:38:32,667
It's a benefit for lung cancer.
992
00:38:32,669 --> 00:38:34,836
That's random.
993
00:38:34,838 --> 00:38:37,589
Not really.
My dad died from it.
994
00:38:37,591 --> 00:38:39,382
Oh, fuck. (STAMMERS)
995
00:38:39,384 --> 00:38:41,259
Uh, were you close?
996
00:38:41,261 --> 00:38:42,594
- With my father?
- Well...
997
00:38:42,596 --> 00:38:43,928
(LAUGHING):
Yeah, I was. I was.
998
00:38:43,930 --> 00:38:45,555
- Now I feel I bad.
- Fuck. I'm sorry.
999
00:38:45,557 --> 00:38:46,681
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
1000
00:38:46,683 --> 00:38:49,267
Do you need a-a good-looking,
1001
00:38:49,269 --> 00:38:52,645
moderately funny stand-up
to-to close out the night?
1002
00:38:52,647 --> 00:38:54,689
- Wait, really?
- Do you know any?
1003
00:38:54,691 --> 00:38:56,649
(LAUGHS)
That would be amazing.
1004
00:38:56,651 --> 00:38:58,443
Why would you do that for me?
1005
00:38:58,445 --> 00:38:59,736
Because I'm a nice guy.
1006
00:38:59,738 --> 00:39:01,446
Okay, I know you're not.
1007
00:39:01,448 --> 00:39:03,615
Look, I know what everyone
thinks of me.
1008
00:39:03,617 --> 00:39:06,034
But just because I was
lucky enough to get this job
1009
00:39:06,036 --> 00:39:07,744
doesn't mean I'm stupid enough
to lose it.
1010
00:39:07,746 --> 00:39:09,662
So, if you think
you can sleep with me
1011
00:39:09,664 --> 00:39:10,997
'cause you're not gonna see me
1012
00:39:10,999 --> 00:39:12,373
after three months,
you're mistaken.
1013
00:39:12,375 --> 00:39:15,335
Who said anything
about sleeping together?
1014
00:39:15,337 --> 00:39:17,380
♪ ♪
1015
00:39:19,633 --> 00:39:21,341
- ♪ Oh, my, my, my... ♪
- Okay.
1016
00:39:21,343 --> 00:39:22,592
Thank you.
I had a nice time.
1017
00:39:22,594 --> 00:39:23,927
"Thank you"?
Wait, whoa, whoa.
1018
00:39:23,929 --> 00:39:24,969
Wait, wait.
Where are you going?
1019
00:39:24,971 --> 00:39:26,221
Come over.
1020
00:39:26,223 --> 00:39:27,806
Oh. No.
1021
00:39:27,808 --> 00:39:29,349
No. Thank you. Thank you.
1022
00:39:29,351 --> 00:39:30,850
I just don't think
it's a good idea.
1023
00:39:30,852 --> 00:39:32,977
Uh, yeah, no, sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1024
00:39:32,979 --> 00:39:34,187
We-we can do this dance.
1025
00:39:34,189 --> 00:39:36,022
- Dance?
- Yeah.
1026
00:39:36,024 --> 00:39:38,483
You won't sleep with me now,
but you will in three weeks.
1027
00:39:38,485 --> 00:39:40,360
That's... I get it.
It's a feminist thing.
1028
00:39:40,362 --> 00:39:41,611
Are you kidding?
1029
00:39:41,613 --> 00:39:43,279
Has this ever worked before?
1030
00:39:43,281 --> 00:39:44,741
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
1031
00:39:46,576 --> 00:39:48,118
Oh, no.
1032
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:49,577
What?
1033
00:39:49,579 --> 00:39:52,330
The Mimi interview
went viral in a bad way.
1034
00:39:52,332 --> 00:39:54,960
(CROWD GROANING, MURMURING)
1035
00:39:56,670 --> 00:39:59,170
MIMI: You are just a bitter,
out of touch, old lady
1036
00:39:59,172 --> 00:40:02,467
who's mean to people she's
never even met before, and...
1037
00:40:05,554 --> 00:40:07,971
(PHONE RINGING)
1038
00:40:07,973 --> 00:40:11,391
BRAD:
The Mimi thing will blow over.
1039
00:40:11,393 --> 00:40:13,560
Am I like
your least favorite aunt?
1040
00:40:13,562 --> 00:40:15,605
All my aunts are dead.
1041
00:40:18,316 --> 00:40:20,859
I need a publicist.
1042
00:40:20,861 --> 00:40:23,486
ROBIN: Making you accessible
to the average American...
1043
00:40:23,488 --> 00:40:24,654
that's what I do best.
1044
00:40:24,656 --> 00:40:25,989
I told Leo, "You want an Oscar?
1045
00:40:25,991 --> 00:40:27,323
Fight a bear."
1046
00:40:27,325 --> 00:40:28,825
You're not above
the American public
1047
00:40:28,827 --> 00:40:31,161
or looking down at them.
You are one of them.
1048
00:40:31,163 --> 00:40:33,037
- You're America's sweetheart, baby.
- (BRAD LAUGHS)
1049
00:40:33,039 --> 00:40:35,123
But you got to put in face time
with these journalists,
1050
00:40:35,125 --> 00:40:36,624
because they don't want to talk
to me, and they certainly
1051
00:40:36,626 --> 00:40:37,584
don't want to talk to Brad.
No offense.
1052
00:40:37,586 --> 00:40:38,960
Yeah, no, no. None taken.
1053
00:40:38,962 --> 00:40:40,295
I've been told
I have no charisma.
1054
00:40:40,297 --> 00:40:42,839
Exactly.
So, what if we threw a party
1055
00:40:42,841 --> 00:40:44,841
at your house
and invited the press?
1056
00:40:44,843 --> 00:40:46,843
They could see you
in your element.
1057
00:40:46,845 --> 00:40:49,470
You are not some cold witch
who hates children.
1058
00:40:49,472 --> 00:40:52,140
You're cozy and domestic.
1059
00:40:52,142 --> 00:40:53,766
- I don't entertain.
- You're an entertainer.
1060
00:40:53,768 --> 00:40:55,560
- I'm bad at small talk.
- You're a talk-show host.
1061
00:40:55,562 --> 00:40:57,687
- I'm not a people person.
- Oh, honey, that's ridiculous.
1062
00:40:57,689 --> 00:40:59,397
If you want to turn
this ship around,
1063
00:40:59,399 --> 00:41:00,815
you're gonna have to be.
1064
00:41:00,817 --> 00:41:02,984
How do you feel
about extensions?
1065
00:41:02,986 --> 00:41:05,030
♪ ♪
1066
00:41:07,449 --> 00:41:10,658
Holy shit, honey.
1067
00:41:10,660 --> 00:41:12,368
(CHUCKLES)
1068
00:41:12,370 --> 00:41:15,413
(WHISPERS):
Oh, what am I doing here?
1069
00:41:15,415 --> 00:41:17,498
DANIEL:
That's right. What's up, baby?
1070
00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:18,833
- Yes. Blah...
- WOMAN: Hey, Daniel.
1071
00:41:18,835 --> 00:41:20,501
MAN:
Daniel, you're funny, man.
1072
00:41:20,503 --> 00:41:22,712
Is that, um,
that comedian, Daniel...
1073
00:41:22,714 --> 00:41:24,631
- Daniel Tennant.
- Hmm.
1074
00:41:24,633 --> 00:41:27,383
(SIGHS) Billy Kastner's done
amazing things with his career.
1075
00:41:27,385 --> 00:41:28,676
"You're welcome, America."
1076
00:41:28,678 --> 00:41:30,094
- (CHUCKLES)
- BRAD: Oh.
1077
00:41:30,096 --> 00:41:31,596
We're gonna get you
some face time.
1078
00:41:31,598 --> 00:41:33,767
You got to just,
you know, be cool about it.
1079
00:41:38,855 --> 00:41:40,271
Steve Martin gave it to her.
1080
00:41:40,273 --> 00:41:41,773
Costs more than my apartment.
1081
00:41:41,775 --> 00:41:44,275
It's so beautiful.
1082
00:41:44,277 --> 00:41:45,652
Mm.
1083
00:41:45,654 --> 00:41:47,070
Is that a tag?
1084
00:41:47,072 --> 00:41:48,613
Hmm? No.
1085
00:41:48,615 --> 00:41:50,907
- Well...
- Oh, God.
1086
00:41:50,909 --> 00:41:52,617
Fuck.
1087
00:41:52,619 --> 00:41:54,287
Um, what are you doing
after this?
1088
00:41:55,580 --> 00:41:57,288
I don't know.
1089
00:41:57,290 --> 00:41:59,084
But I w-will keep you posted.
1090
00:42:03,421 --> 00:42:05,004
- CHARLIE: Hello.
- Oh, God.
1091
00:42:05,006 --> 00:42:07,215
- I thought you could use this.
- Oh, I could.
1092
00:42:07,217 --> 00:42:08,758
- (CHARLIE CHUCKLES)
- (KATHERINE SIGHS)
1093
00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:12,470
I have never fake-smiled
so much in my life.
1094
00:42:12,472 --> 00:42:14,764
- Is it obvious?
- Very. Yeah.
1095
00:42:14,766 --> 00:42:17,100
It's-it's the same smile
you had
1096
00:42:17,102 --> 00:42:19,060
when you lost your first Emmy
to John Oliver.
1097
00:42:19,062 --> 00:42:20,520
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1098
00:42:20,522 --> 00:42:22,063
- Thank you so much for reminding me.
- Yeah.
1099
00:42:22,065 --> 00:42:23,731
- Have you got a cigarette?
- CHARLIE: Yeah.
1100
00:42:23,733 --> 00:42:26,526
I was... yeah, I was
wondering if I'd get a...
1101
00:42:26,528 --> 00:42:29,070
- a chance to talk to you alone.
- Stop it, Charlie.
1102
00:42:29,072 --> 00:42:31,574
It was a mistake,
and it'll never happen again.
1103
00:42:33,785 --> 00:42:36,369
And that's how I got involved
in that charity.
1104
00:42:36,371 --> 00:42:38,540
I'm gonna go talk
to some other people.
1105
00:42:40,041 --> 00:42:42,166
- Oh! - Oh, God.
- Oh, shit.
1106
00:42:42,168 --> 00:42:44,961
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, I just got this blazer.
1107
00:42:44,963 --> 00:42:46,838
I need it for "Lampoon" hazing
next week.
1108
00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:48,423
TOM:
Hayes, remember Molly?
1109
00:42:48,425 --> 00:42:51,467
Yes. Hey, I'm so happy
that you got that job.
1110
00:42:51,469 --> 00:42:52,885
It's really cool they did that.
1111
00:42:52,887 --> 00:42:54,053
- It's important.
- Yeah.
1112
00:42:54,055 --> 00:42:55,888
Yeah, I think it's important
1113
00:42:55,890 --> 00:42:58,893
that they hire the funniest,
most qualified people, too.
1114
00:43:04,649 --> 00:43:07,277
(PIANO PLAYING SLOW MELODY)
1115
00:43:22,542 --> 00:43:24,419
Damn it.
1116
00:43:29,299 --> 00:43:31,132
Can I help you?
1117
00:43:31,134 --> 00:43:33,468
Uh, sorry, I just thought
this was an empty room.
1118
00:43:33,470 --> 00:43:35,303
Why were you looking
for an empty room?
1119
00:43:35,305 --> 00:43:38,681
Uh, just to be alone
for a minute.
1120
00:43:38,683 --> 00:43:40,558
Not to steal anything.
1121
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:43,561
Uh, although you have a lot
of really nice stuff in here.
1122
00:43:43,563 --> 00:43:46,022
I'm not a thief, though.
My name is Molly.
1123
00:43:46,024 --> 00:43:48,066
Hello, Molly,
who's not a thief.
1124
00:43:48,068 --> 00:43:50,610
I know who you are, by the way.
1125
00:43:50,612 --> 00:43:52,612
You're Walter Lovell.
1126
00:43:52,614 --> 00:43:55,615
It's such an honor to meet you.
You were one of the greats.
1127
00:43:55,617 --> 00:43:57,116
"Were." Jesus Christ.
1128
00:43:57,118 --> 00:43:58,618
Oh, no, no.
1129
00:43:58,620 --> 00:44:01,329
No, I mean, you're still
amazing. (CHUCKLES)
1130
00:44:01,331 --> 00:44:04,082
I mean, aren't you
a professor emeritus at NYU?
1131
00:44:04,084 --> 00:44:05,333
"Emeritus" is what
they call you
1132
00:44:05,335 --> 00:44:06,751
when you're not dead yet
1133
00:44:06,753 --> 00:44:08,419
but they don't want you
to come in.
1134
00:44:08,421 --> 00:44:09,754
(CHUCKLES)
1135
00:44:09,756 --> 00:44:11,756
I actually know
what that's like.
1136
00:44:11,758 --> 00:44:13,174
I write on the show.
1137
00:44:13,176 --> 00:44:14,801
Your wife doesn't like me
very much.
1138
00:44:14,803 --> 00:44:16,719
- Mm.
- Why aren't you downstairs
1139
00:44:16,721 --> 00:44:18,304
with the rest of the party?
1140
00:44:18,306 --> 00:44:20,306
I think people have
a better time
1141
00:44:20,308 --> 00:44:23,434
when they don't have to pretend
they don't notice me twitching.
1142
00:44:23,436 --> 00:44:25,019
It's called neuropathy.
1143
00:44:25,021 --> 00:44:27,897
One of the symptoms
of Parkinson's disease.
1144
00:44:27,899 --> 00:44:29,315
A piece of advice:
1145
00:44:29,317 --> 00:44:31,442
don't marry a man
until he gives you
1146
00:44:31,444 --> 00:44:33,611
a complete genetic profile.
1147
00:44:33,613 --> 00:44:36,030
(CHUCKLES)
Luckily for me, there is
1148
00:44:36,032 --> 00:44:37,990
literally no interest
from any man.
1149
00:44:37,992 --> 00:44:40,993
About Katherine:
1150
00:44:40,995 --> 00:44:42,870
Be useful.
1151
00:44:42,872 --> 00:44:45,581
Make it so that
even if she doesn't like you,
1152
00:44:45,583 --> 00:44:47,085
she needs you.
1153
00:44:49,671 --> 00:44:51,254
If it's okay with you,
1154
00:44:51,256 --> 00:44:53,131
I'd like to stay here
a little while
1155
00:44:53,133 --> 00:44:54,674
and just listen to you play.
1156
00:44:54,676 --> 00:44:56,344
All right.
1157
00:44:57,887 --> 00:44:59,931
♪ ♪
1158
00:45:02,767 --> 00:45:05,184
You have said "the only true
meritocracy is in comedy."
1159
00:45:05,186 --> 00:45:06,727
Indeed, yes.
I mean, it doesn't matter
1160
00:45:06,729 --> 00:45:08,271
where you're from,
what you look like,
1161
00:45:08,273 --> 00:45:10,022
how much money
your parents have.
1162
00:45:10,024 --> 00:45:12,150
Funny is funny,
and that's meritocracy.
1163
00:45:12,152 --> 00:45:13,609
As long as you're white,
1164
00:45:13,611 --> 00:45:15,820
male and from
an elite college, right?
1165
00:45:15,822 --> 00:45:17,989
Because that's all your
writing staff is comprised of.
1166
00:45:17,991 --> 00:45:19,657
(CROWD GASPING, MURMURING)
1167
00:45:19,659 --> 00:45:21,784
MOLLY:
I write on the show.
1168
00:45:21,786 --> 00:45:24,662
And I definitely didn't go
to a fancy college.
1169
00:45:24,664 --> 00:45:26,289
Tell me, does Katherine
know your name?
1170
00:45:26,291 --> 00:45:28,418
I heard she refers
to the writers by number.
1171
00:45:30,336 --> 00:45:32,420
I am called Eight.
1172
00:45:32,422 --> 00:45:33,838
- (CROWD MURMURING)
- Because Katherine said
1173
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:35,131
she couldn't be bothered
to learn
1174
00:45:35,133 --> 00:45:36,674
everyone's name, so she just
1175
00:45:36,676 --> 00:45:38,926
pointed at the writers
and shouted numbers
1176
00:45:38,928 --> 00:45:40,847
- and named me Eight.
- (CROWD MURMURING)
1177
00:45:42,557 --> 00:45:45,433
Yeah, she also keeps us
in cages and doesn't feed us.
1178
00:45:45,435 --> 00:45:48,269
- (LAUGHTER)
- But she does let us
1179
00:45:48,271 --> 00:45:50,146
go to the bathroom once a day.
1180
00:45:50,148 --> 00:45:52,148
No, of course she knows
our names.
1181
00:45:52,150 --> 00:45:54,817
My name is Molly.
You have some bad information.
1182
00:45:54,819 --> 00:45:57,320
Yes, you do.
This is, of course, Molly.
1183
00:45:57,322 --> 00:45:59,489
- Hi. Hello, Brad.
- Everybody, let's make some room.
1184
00:45:59,491 --> 00:46:00,948
KATHERINE:
Mm...
1185
00:46:00,950 --> 00:46:03,326
ROBIN:
One of the writers, everybody.
1186
00:46:03,328 --> 00:46:05,620
- Hi.
- How would you describe Molly?
1187
00:46:05,622 --> 00:46:07,288
Molly? Molly...
1188
00:46:07,290 --> 00:46:10,082
Molly is... (GROANS)
1189
00:46:10,084 --> 00:46:12,335
She said I was
the vibrant splash of color
1190
00:46:12,337 --> 00:46:15,171
on the gray canvas
of our writing staff.
1191
00:46:15,173 --> 00:46:16,672
I was really touched.
1192
00:46:16,674 --> 00:46:18,007
- Mm.
- And then she said something to me
1193
00:46:18,009 --> 00:46:19,258
- that I will never forget.
- Mm-hmm.
1194
00:46:19,260 --> 00:46:20,718
She said to me that,
1195
00:46:20,720 --> 00:46:22,595
despite our very different
backgrounds,
1196
00:46:22,597 --> 00:46:24,597
that I reminded her
1197
00:46:24,599 --> 00:46:26,807
- of a younger her.
- Younger me.
1198
00:46:26,809 --> 00:46:27,892
- ROBIN: Isn't that wonderful?
- (CROWD MURMURING)
1199
00:46:27,894 --> 00:46:29,894
I mean... (MIMICS EXPLOSION)
1200
00:46:29,896 --> 00:46:32,146
- Huge. (LAUGHS)
- Mm...
1201
00:46:32,148 --> 00:46:34,023
You know what? Everybody's
gonna want to get this.
1202
00:46:34,025 --> 00:46:35,900
- (CAMERAS CLICKING)
- Let's get a picture
1203
00:46:35,902 --> 00:46:39,028
of Katherine and her beautiful
Indian protégée...
1204
00:46:39,030 --> 00:46:40,530
- Molly.
- ROBIN: Molly.
1205
00:46:40,532 --> 00:46:42,033
- (APPLAUSE)
- (CAMERAS CONTINUE CLICKING)
1206
00:46:44,118 --> 00:46:45,326
ROBIN:
Oh. You guys getting that?
1207
00:46:45,328 --> 00:46:46,452
(CROWD MURMURING)
1208
00:46:46,454 --> 00:46:48,955
MAN:
Thank you.
1209
00:46:48,957 --> 00:46:51,207
Yeah, it's pretty good.
1210
00:46:51,209 --> 00:46:53,209
Oh, I think it's going
beautifully.
1211
00:46:53,211 --> 00:46:54,377
Mm-hmm.
1212
00:46:54,379 --> 00:46:55,795
You haven't killed anybody yet.
1213
00:46:55,797 --> 00:46:57,213
- KATHERINE: Nope.
- (WALTER CHUCKLES)
1214
00:46:57,215 --> 00:46:59,676
KATHERINE:
But it's still early.
1215
00:47:03,429 --> 00:47:05,388
You want to come over?
1216
00:47:05,390 --> 00:47:07,848
- Uh, yeah, sure.
- Oh, excuse me.
1217
00:47:07,850 --> 00:47:09,936
- (CELL PHONE ALARM RINGING)
- Thank you.
1218
00:47:11,229 --> 00:47:12,520
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
1219
00:47:12,522 --> 00:47:14,230
Three weeks. Right on time.
1220
00:47:14,232 --> 00:47:15,982
Wait, really?
1221
00:47:15,984 --> 00:47:18,568
(LAUGHING): No, I just set that
before I came over.
1222
00:47:18,570 --> 00:47:20,194
- Very funny. Very, very funny.
- Come on.
1223
00:47:20,196 --> 00:47:22,822
Billy Kastner.
1224
00:47:22,824 --> 00:47:24,073
- Hey.
- I guess everybody can get
1225
00:47:24,075 --> 00:47:25,241
invited to this party.
1226
00:47:25,243 --> 00:47:26,742
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, I would like
1227
00:47:26,744 --> 00:47:28,869
to introduce you two
to Danny Tennant.
1228
00:47:28,871 --> 00:47:30,746
- Danny, Walter Lovell.
- Hey, man.
1229
00:47:30,748 --> 00:47:32,164
How you doing, Walter?
1230
00:47:32,166 --> 00:47:33,416
- And, of course...
- Wow.
1231
00:47:33,418 --> 00:47:35,084
- Katherine Newbury.
- Wow.
1232
00:47:35,086 --> 00:47:36,460
Classiest couple
in New York City
1233
00:47:36,462 --> 00:47:38,004
since Diane Sawyer
and Mike Nichols.
1234
00:47:38,006 --> 00:47:39,714
Danny here...
very funny, very famous,
1235
00:47:39,716 --> 00:47:41,757
and currently,
every female coed
1236
00:47:41,759 --> 00:47:43,551
in the United States
wants to lose
1237
00:47:43,553 --> 00:47:45,678
- their virginity to him.
- Stop. That's... Just half.
1238
00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:47,555
- Well, that's gonna keep you busy.
- Mm.
1239
00:47:47,557 --> 00:47:49,932
And, Katherine, I'm sorry,
I have to say, I am such a fan.
1240
00:47:49,934 --> 00:47:52,310
I mean, you were such an
inspiration for me growing up.
1241
00:47:52,312 --> 00:47:54,312
And your comedy is so smart.
1242
00:47:54,314 --> 00:47:55,938
You know, I'll-I'll be watching
your show, and I have to, like,
1243
00:47:55,940 --> 00:47:57,440
look up half the words you say.
(LAUGHS)
1244
00:47:57,442 --> 00:47:59,692
(CHUCKLES)
That's so kind.
1245
00:47:59,694 --> 00:48:02,653
Did you take a shit
in anyone's shoes yet?
1246
00:48:02,655 --> 00:48:04,322
- Um...
- You know, from your stand-up.
1247
00:48:04,324 --> 00:48:06,240
When you're at parties,
you like to take a shit
1248
00:48:06,242 --> 00:48:07,783
- in other people's shoes.
- (LAUGHTER)
1249
00:48:07,785 --> 00:48:09,660
That's from the special.
You saw the special.
1250
00:48:09,662 --> 00:48:10,786
- BILLY: Yeah, well...
- DANIEL: Remember that?
1251
00:48:10,788 --> 00:48:12,913
- Diarrhea!
- (LAUGHTER)
1252
00:48:12,915 --> 00:48:15,416
Did you enjoy talking
to my writing staff?
1253
00:48:15,418 --> 00:48:18,502
- Yes. Talented guys.
- They are.
1254
00:48:18,504 --> 00:48:20,546
Charlie Fain, especially.
1255
00:48:20,548 --> 00:48:23,966
So, Danny, what's next for you?
Prank show on MTV?
1256
00:48:23,968 --> 00:48:25,885
Or an arena tour
sponsored by an energy drink?
1257
00:48:25,887 --> 00:48:27,345
(CHUCKLES)
No, I think, actually,
1258
00:48:27,347 --> 00:48:29,180
I'm gonna take
a little bit of time off,
1259
00:48:29,182 --> 00:48:31,098
you know,
and work on some new material
1260
00:48:31,100 --> 00:48:33,809
and just kind of kick around
some new ideas and stuff.
1261
00:48:33,811 --> 00:48:35,478
You're at the height
of your stand-up career,
1262
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:37,148
and you're stopping
to kick around ideas?
1263
00:48:39,359 --> 00:48:40,902
Yeah.
1264
00:48:43,321 --> 00:48:44,737
Oh.
1265
00:48:44,739 --> 00:48:46,614
Daniel Tennant?!
1266
00:48:46,616 --> 00:48:49,909
You're replacing me
with Daniel fucking Tennant?!
1267
00:48:49,911 --> 00:48:51,535
We're in negotiations with him.
Thank you, Margaret.
1268
00:48:51,537 --> 00:48:52,912
You cannot do this.
1269
00:48:52,914 --> 00:48:54,580
We are working
on something back there.
1270
00:48:54,582 --> 00:48:56,707
- You have to give us a chance.
- You had a chance.
1271
00:48:56,709 --> 00:48:59,251
That's what ten years
of ratings decline is.
1272
00:48:59,253 --> 00:49:00,961
Look, you can make it easy
for yourself.
1273
00:49:00,963 --> 00:49:02,963
You can welcome him in,
make it seem like
1274
00:49:02,965 --> 00:49:04,382
you were part of the decision.
1275
00:49:04,384 --> 00:49:05,758
Or it can be hard.
1276
00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:07,301
The choice is
entirely up to you.
1277
00:49:07,303 --> 00:49:09,220
Believe me,
I take no pleasure in this.
1278
00:49:09,222 --> 00:49:11,013
Oh, for God's sake,
do me the courtesy
1279
00:49:11,015 --> 00:49:13,015
of at least not lying
to my face.
1280
00:49:13,017 --> 00:49:15,476
(LAUGHING): Fine. I take a
great deal of pleasure in this.
1281
00:49:15,478 --> 00:49:18,521
Katherine, did you ever wonder
if I think you're funny?
1282
00:49:18,523 --> 00:49:20,064
No.
1283
00:49:20,066 --> 00:49:21,524
Do you think I should think
you're funny,
1284
00:49:21,526 --> 00:49:22,942
as president of the network
you're on?
1285
00:49:22,944 --> 00:49:25,653
I've seen six presidents
of this network
1286
00:49:25,655 --> 00:49:27,405
come and go
while I've been here.
1287
00:49:27,407 --> 00:49:30,574
Somalian fucking warlords
have more job stability.
1288
00:49:30,576 --> 00:49:32,451
You didn't answer my question.
1289
00:49:32,453 --> 00:49:35,830
If you're asking me if I've
ever respected your taste,
1290
00:49:35,832 --> 00:49:38,332
then the answer, Caroline,
is no.
1291
00:49:38,334 --> 00:49:41,168
And if you want
to replace me with a meme...
1292
00:49:41,170 --> 00:49:43,129
a T-shirt of a man
who hides his xenophobia
1293
00:49:43,131 --> 00:49:44,880
and, by the way,
his hatred of women
1294
00:49:44,882 --> 00:49:47,675
behind a congenial
frat-boy persona...
1295
00:49:47,677 --> 00:49:49,760
just to make yourself
seem relevant,
1296
00:49:49,762 --> 00:49:51,637
then, by all means,
you go ahead.
1297
00:49:51,639 --> 00:49:54,100
But I will not allow you to
destroy the show that I built.
1298
00:49:57,311 --> 00:49:59,355
♪ ♪
1299
00:50:11,993 --> 00:50:13,743
You know what's funny?
You remember how kids
1300
00:50:13,745 --> 00:50:15,286
used to have those, like,
little games in their pocket.
1301
00:50:15,288 --> 00:50:17,413
- We passed on that.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1302
00:50:17,415 --> 00:50:19,125
Oh.
1303
00:50:20,126 --> 00:50:21,834
Where are you going?
1304
00:50:21,836 --> 00:50:24,170
Oh, uh, Four and I have
that charity comedy event.
1305
00:50:24,172 --> 00:50:26,380
- I'm the emcee.
- Well, you're not going.
1306
00:50:26,382 --> 00:50:29,175
I'm so sorry. I have to go.
It starts in 30 minutes,
1307
00:50:29,177 --> 00:50:31,051
and there would be no one
to replace me.
1308
00:50:31,053 --> 00:50:32,887
And who's going to be
replacing you here?
1309
00:50:32,889 --> 00:50:34,638
Look around the room...
all these guys are staying.
1310
00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:37,016
Four's not going.
1311
00:50:37,018 --> 00:50:39,602
- Molly, it's not worth it.
- I would listen to that.
1312
00:50:39,604 --> 00:50:41,272
That's pretty good advice.
1313
00:50:42,940 --> 00:50:46,150
I have stayed late
every single night this month.
1314
00:50:46,152 --> 00:50:47,985
It's for a charity.
1315
00:50:47,987 --> 00:50:50,404
- I'm sorry, I'm very torn.
- Well, you shouldn't be torn,
1316
00:50:50,406 --> 00:50:52,323
and you shouldn't be letting me
know that you're torn.
1317
00:50:52,325 --> 00:50:54,116
You can't just download
your emotional state onto me
1318
00:50:54,118 --> 00:50:56,952
and hope that your honesty
will somehow exonerate you.
1319
00:50:56,954 --> 00:50:59,079
"Upload."
1320
00:50:59,081 --> 00:51:00,706
What?
1321
00:51:00,708 --> 00:51:02,792
Uh, it's-it's
"upload your emotional state."
1322
00:51:02,794 --> 00:51:04,585
So, if, um...
if you take something
1323
00:51:04,587 --> 00:51:05,920
off the Internet,
that's "download."
1324
00:51:05,922 --> 00:51:07,838
If you put something on,
that's "upload."
1325
00:51:07,840 --> 00:51:09,715
So, like, if this conversation
were the Internet...
1326
00:51:09,717 --> 00:51:12,760
- Shut up, Seven. What the fuck?
- Yeah.
1327
00:51:12,762 --> 00:51:15,765
Eight, if you leave,
don't come back.
1328
00:51:18,309 --> 00:51:21,187
I made a commitment.
I'm sorry.
1329
00:51:24,524 --> 00:51:26,690
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
- MANCUSO: Okay. Okay.
1330
00:51:26,692 --> 00:51:28,901
- TOM: Okay, so...
- BRAD: Yeah, continue.
1331
00:51:28,903 --> 00:51:30,945
(QUIET CHATTER)
1332
00:51:30,947 --> 00:51:32,988
Hey, hey, hey.
Give me the lineup.
1333
00:51:32,990 --> 00:51:34,742
Thank you.
1334
00:51:36,494 --> 00:51:38,704
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1335
00:51:42,875 --> 00:51:45,209
Okay, so...
okay, so here's the pitch.
1336
00:51:45,211 --> 00:51:47,044
You are a pirate.
1337
00:51:47,046 --> 00:51:48,671
It's 1860s.
1338
00:51:48,673 --> 00:51:51,259
(CONVERSATION CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY)
1339
00:51:54,220 --> 00:51:56,095
Yeah, no, look,
I mean, that's, like,
1340
00:51:56,097 --> 00:51:57,555
well, if it's, like she's got
1341
00:51:57,557 --> 00:52:00,057
- the parrot on her shoulder...
- Right.
1342
00:52:00,059 --> 00:52:01,767
My day sucked.
1343
00:52:01,769 --> 00:52:03,435
I was fired from my job.
1344
00:52:03,437 --> 00:52:04,854
No, yeah.
1345
00:52:04,856 --> 00:52:06,647
Really, really,
like 15 minutes ago.
1346
00:52:06,649 --> 00:52:10,526
I was actually fired for coming
here to be with you guys.
1347
00:52:10,528 --> 00:52:12,528
And now, looking out
in the audience,
1348
00:52:12,530 --> 00:52:14,446
(LAUGHING): I'm not sure
I made the right decision.
1349
00:52:14,448 --> 00:52:16,323
- (LAUGHTER)
- No, but really,
1350
00:52:16,325 --> 00:52:18,284
I got fired, and, um,
1351
00:52:18,286 --> 00:52:20,035
I didn't think
that was possible.
1352
00:52:20,037 --> 00:52:23,372
I mean, look at me, guys.
1353
00:52:23,374 --> 00:52:27,042
Look. I am a dark-skinned
Indian woman.
1354
00:52:27,044 --> 00:52:28,878
- Aren't I un-fireable?
- (LAUGHTER)
1355
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:31,589
I mean, I'm a token,
for God's sakes. You don't...
1356
00:52:31,591 --> 00:52:33,382
Why is this for lung cancer?
1357
00:52:33,384 --> 00:52:35,801
I think the emcee girl's dad
died from it.
1358
00:52:35,803 --> 00:52:38,345
- Who's the emcee?
- I think she works at Colbert.
1359
00:52:38,347 --> 00:52:40,264
- She works for me.
- MOLLY: See, now
1360
00:52:40,266 --> 00:52:42,182
I'm convincing myself that
I-I should've been fired.
1361
00:52:42,184 --> 00:52:43,851
- (LAUGHTER)
- Thank you so much for being here, and thank you
1362
00:52:43,853 --> 00:52:45,352
for coming out
for this great cause.
1363
00:52:45,354 --> 00:52:48,691
Let's keep it going.
Our next performer is...
1364
00:52:54,238 --> 00:52:56,697
Our next performer, uh, uh...
1365
00:52:56,699 --> 00:52:59,325
Okay, this is surprising
for a-a variety of reasons.
1366
00:52:59,327 --> 00:53:02,411
Our next performer is
Katherine Newbury, everyone.
1367
00:53:02,413 --> 00:53:04,830
(CROWD MURMURING)
1368
00:53:04,832 --> 00:53:06,916
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1369
00:53:06,918 --> 00:53:09,043
Thanks.
Thank you. Thank you.
1370
00:53:09,045 --> 00:53:10,836
Thank you so much. Thank you.
1371
00:53:10,838 --> 00:53:12,089
Thank you very much.
1372
00:53:14,300 --> 00:53:15,591
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
1373
00:53:15,593 --> 00:53:16,969
Thank you. Now shut up.
1374
00:53:18,262 --> 00:53:19,678
So, I joined Twitter.
1375
00:53:19,680 --> 00:53:21,597
I didn't want to.
My publicist made me.
1376
00:53:21,599 --> 00:53:24,058
And... (SIGHS)
I was okay at first.
1377
00:53:24,060 --> 00:53:26,101
I was... with the twittering
and the tweeting,
1378
00:53:26,103 --> 00:53:28,020
but do you know
where it lost me?
1379
00:53:28,022 --> 00:53:31,023
Fave-ing. Fave-ing.
1380
00:53:31,025 --> 00:53:34,902
Because "fave" is short
for "favorite," right?
1381
00:53:34,904 --> 00:53:37,947
But you can only have
one favorite.
1382
00:53:37,949 --> 00:53:39,573
You can only have one.
1383
00:53:39,575 --> 00:53:41,661
You can't have lots
of favorites. It's stupid.
1384
00:53:43,204 --> 00:53:44,453
F-Faves. Faves.
1385
00:53:44,455 --> 00:53:46,455
They can't all be
your favorite.
1386
00:53:46,457 --> 00:53:47,959
It's stupid.
1387
00:53:51,879 --> 00:53:56,382
Lot of Twitter fans
in the audience tonight, I see.
1388
00:53:56,384 --> 00:53:59,470
So, that's not working.
1389
00:54:02,348 --> 00:54:05,265
Well, shit, guys.
1390
00:54:05,267 --> 00:54:08,479
I don't know.
I just don't know.
1391
00:54:10,064 --> 00:54:12,189
I guess that's why
1392
00:54:12,191 --> 00:54:15,359
they're taking my show
away from me.
1393
00:54:15,361 --> 00:54:17,945
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
1394
00:54:17,947 --> 00:54:19,991
Yeah, that's happening.
1395
00:54:21,951 --> 00:54:24,912
They're taking my show away,
and the thing is...
1396
00:54:29,166 --> 00:54:33,877
The thing is,
if they take my show away,
1397
00:54:33,879 --> 00:54:37,633
I do not know
what I am going to do.
1398
00:54:39,593 --> 00:54:42,722
I am a woman in my 50s
in Hollywood.
1399
00:54:44,682 --> 00:54:46,765
I don't know
what I'm going to do.
1400
00:54:46,767 --> 00:54:50,354
In Hollywood,
what am I going to do?
1401
00:54:54,358 --> 00:54:56,485
You know what? I've got it.
1402
00:54:58,446 --> 00:55:00,362
I could play
Sean Penn's grandmother
1403
00:55:00,364 --> 00:55:02,656
in the movie where he
is married to Emma Stone.
1404
00:55:02,658 --> 00:55:05,784
- (LAUGHTER)
- His childhood sweetheart.
1405
00:55:05,786 --> 00:55:07,494
It's so unfair.
1406
00:55:07,496 --> 00:55:09,455
I mean, Tom Cruise
is the same age as me.
1407
00:55:09,457 --> 00:55:11,040
We're the same age.
1408
00:55:11,042 --> 00:55:12,791
He gets to fight the Mummy.
I am the Mummy.
1409
00:55:12,793 --> 00:55:14,293
- (LAUGHING)
- You know what? No, no, no.
1410
00:55:14,295 --> 00:55:15,836
I'm too old to play the Mummy.
1411
00:55:15,838 --> 00:55:17,671
They'd get Anne Hathaway in
to play the Mummy
1412
00:55:17,673 --> 00:55:19,173
and put, like,
Mummy makeup on her.
1413
00:55:19,175 --> 00:55:20,591
- (LAUGHTER)
- I'm probably gonna have to have
1414
00:55:20,593 --> 00:55:22,301
a facelift
just to do voice work.
1415
00:55:22,303 --> 00:55:24,845
I'm gonna have to have, like,
Botox and lip filler
1416
00:55:24,847 --> 00:55:28,640
just to play the voice of a
wise old tree in a Pixar movie.
1417
00:55:28,642 --> 00:55:30,392
- (LAUGHTER)
- You know when you're watching
1418
00:55:30,394 --> 00:55:32,728
an awards show, and they play
people off with music?
1419
00:55:32,730 --> 00:55:34,772
You know, when they've gone on
for too long?
1420
00:55:34,774 --> 00:55:36,523
I feel like that's what they're
doing to my life right now.
1421
00:55:36,525 --> 00:55:38,984
They're just,
"Get off. Time to die.
1422
00:55:38,986 --> 00:55:40,652
"Just fuck off.
1423
00:55:40,654 --> 00:55:43,447
"Take that old face
and just go.
1424
00:55:43,449 --> 00:55:46,366
"Go sit.
Go sit in the dark somewhere.
1425
00:55:46,368 --> 00:55:48,202
"You remind us all
of our ex-wives.
1426
00:55:48,204 --> 00:55:49,953
Yeah. The older ones."
1427
00:55:49,955 --> 00:55:51,830
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
1428
00:55:51,832 --> 00:55:53,415
Thank you. Yeah.
1429
00:55:53,417 --> 00:55:55,918
I hope I earned
the privilege of your time.
1430
00:55:55,920 --> 00:55:58,631
(CHEERING)
1431
00:56:05,387 --> 00:56:07,304
Thank you, Dee, so very much.
1432
00:56:07,306 --> 00:56:09,681
- Get in the car.
- Okay.
1433
00:56:09,683 --> 00:56:11,850
She's coming back.
She's coming back!
1434
00:56:11,852 --> 00:56:13,811
Come on, come on, you guys.
1435
00:56:13,813 --> 00:56:15,771
(FRANTIC CHATTER)
1436
00:56:15,773 --> 00:56:17,773
Don't push me. Don't push me.
1437
00:56:17,775 --> 00:56:19,942
She's coming back.
1438
00:56:19,944 --> 00:56:22,653
- Uh, um...
- Uh...
1439
00:56:22,655 --> 00:56:25,572
(OVERLAPPING,
INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1440
00:56:25,574 --> 00:56:27,950
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Hey, hey. Look who's back.
1441
00:56:27,952 --> 00:56:29,326
- Oh, my God.
- (WRITERS MURMURING)
1442
00:56:29,328 --> 00:56:31,370
- Hey.
- Hey.
1443
00:56:31,372 --> 00:56:33,580
(SIGHS)
This is my fault.
1444
00:56:33,582 --> 00:56:36,583
You were too scared to tell me
what you really think,
1445
00:56:36,585 --> 00:56:38,796
and I think I was too scared
to hear the truth.
1446
00:56:41,132 --> 00:56:44,716
I am the only woman in
late-night network television,
1447
00:56:44,718 --> 00:56:48,470
but I have been doing the same
format and the same jokes...
1448
00:56:48,472 --> 00:56:52,266
hell, even the same cadences...
as some of these other guys.
1449
00:56:52,268 --> 00:56:53,767
So, what are you saying?
1450
00:56:53,769 --> 00:56:54,935
You want more jokes
about female issues?
1451
00:56:54,937 --> 00:56:56,270
No, Seven, I-I'm not asking you
1452
00:56:56,272 --> 00:56:58,021
to write me a tight five
on menstruation.
1453
00:56:58,023 --> 00:57:00,357
I just want to say only things
I can talk about.
1454
00:57:00,359 --> 00:57:02,025
Nothing is off-limits.
If you think it's funny,
1455
00:57:02,027 --> 00:57:03,652
I don't care
how personal it is.
1456
00:57:03,654 --> 00:57:06,613
I am a 56-year-old Englishwoman
1457
00:57:06,615 --> 00:57:09,783
who has never given birth
or seen a superhero film.
1458
00:57:09,785 --> 00:57:11,493
Write to that.
You cannot offend me.
1459
00:57:11,495 --> 00:57:14,121
If you don't know enough
about me, come and talk to me.
1460
00:57:14,123 --> 00:57:15,914
I swear I will not
scream at you.
1461
00:57:15,916 --> 00:57:18,834
I want it to be specific,
and I want it to be political.
1462
00:57:18,836 --> 00:57:20,794
I'm gonna do the abortion joke
tomorrow, and, Seven,
1463
00:57:20,796 --> 00:57:22,171
she's writing monologue jokes
with you.
1464
00:57:22,173 --> 00:57:23,714
Uh... sorry, I'm not
1465
00:57:23,716 --> 00:57:25,757
a screenwriting course
at the JFK Radisson.
1466
00:57:25,759 --> 00:57:28,010
I can't teach a total novice
how to write jokes overnight.
1467
00:57:28,012 --> 00:57:30,220
(CHUCKLES) No. I hate
to break this to you, Seven,
1468
00:57:30,222 --> 00:57:31,930
but you're not gonna be
teaching anything,
1469
00:57:31,932 --> 00:57:34,099
because I want someone
who doesn't think in exactly
1470
00:57:34,101 --> 00:57:36,101
the same way as everyone else
in the goddamn room.
1471
00:57:36,103 --> 00:57:37,519
So she's writing
monologue jokes with you.
1472
00:57:37,521 --> 00:57:40,397
Listen to me,
no matter what you hear...
1473
00:57:40,399 --> 00:57:42,649
online, from your agents,
wherever...
1474
00:57:42,651 --> 00:57:44,902
believe only this:
1475
00:57:44,904 --> 00:57:47,070
This is my show,
1476
00:57:47,072 --> 00:57:49,031
and I'm not going
fucking anywhere.
1477
00:57:49,033 --> 00:57:50,282
(APPLAUSE)
1478
00:57:50,284 --> 00:57:52,075
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
1479
00:57:52,077 --> 00:57:54,077
We've got a great show
for you tonight.
1480
00:57:54,079 --> 00:57:55,704
More good news from Washington.
1481
00:57:55,706 --> 00:57:58,540
Three Republican senators
have yet again proposed
1482
00:57:58,542 --> 00:58:01,084
a bill to defund
Planned Parenthood.
1483
00:58:01,086 --> 00:58:04,546
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives
1484
00:58:04,548 --> 00:58:06,548
are the ones getting laid
the least.
1485
00:58:06,550 --> 00:58:08,425
(LAUGHTER)
1486
00:58:08,427 --> 00:58:09,968
I never thought I'd say this,
1487
00:58:09,970 --> 00:58:11,595
but thank God
I'm going through menopause.
1488
00:58:11,597 --> 00:58:14,348
- (LAUGHTER)
- ♪ It's how you dance now ♪
1489
00:58:14,350 --> 00:58:16,683
♪ Shakin' your hair around ♪
1490
00:58:16,685 --> 00:58:18,393
- (LAUGHS)
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
1491
00:58:18,395 --> 00:58:21,396
♪ There's only one you,
so do it like you do... ♪
1492
00:58:21,398 --> 00:58:24,191
What exactly is wrong
with my bits?
1493
00:58:24,193 --> 00:58:25,901
To be honest,
1494
00:58:25,903 --> 00:58:28,320
you're a little old
and a little white.
1495
00:58:28,322 --> 00:58:30,572
Okay. Those are facts.
1496
00:58:30,574 --> 00:58:32,785
What the fuck can I do
about that?
1497
00:58:34,453 --> 00:58:37,704
So, recently,
someone accused me of being,
1498
00:58:37,706 --> 00:58:40,999
quote, "a little bit old
and a little bit white."
1499
00:58:41,001 --> 00:58:44,044
To which I responded:
"I'm very old and very white."
1500
00:58:44,046 --> 00:58:46,713
- I never do things halfway.
- (LAUGHTER)
1501
00:58:46,715 --> 00:58:48,757
But what can a person like me
do about that?
1502
00:58:48,759 --> 00:58:51,218
If I try and fix it,
I can come across
1503
00:58:51,220 --> 00:58:53,595
as trying to be some sort
of white savior.
1504
00:58:53,597 --> 00:58:55,389
Then I decided
I was okay with that,
1505
00:58:55,391 --> 00:58:59,184
so let me introduce you
to a new series on Tonight:
1506
00:58:59,186 --> 00:59:01,353
"Katherine Newbury:
White Savior."
1507
00:59:01,355 --> 00:59:03,689
My name is Katherine Newbury.
Do you watch my show?
1508
00:59:03,691 --> 00:59:05,023
- No.
- Nah.
1509
00:59:05,025 --> 00:59:08,193
Okay.
Well, that's demoralizing.
1510
00:59:08,195 --> 00:59:10,737
Could you tell me if there's
been any instance recently
1511
00:59:10,739 --> 00:59:12,906
where you feel that you've been
treated differently
1512
00:59:12,908 --> 00:59:14,574
because of the way you look?
1513
00:59:14,576 --> 00:59:17,244
- Yeah.
- I feel like I can never hail a cab.
1514
00:59:17,246 --> 00:59:19,705
You feel like you can
never hail a cab?
1515
00:59:19,707 --> 00:59:22,040
Let's see what we can do
about that.
1516
00:59:22,042 --> 00:59:23,333
(WHISTLES)
1517
00:59:23,335 --> 00:59:26,586
Here we go. Ah.
1518
00:59:26,588 --> 00:59:28,171
Hey, um...
1519
00:59:28,173 --> 00:59:29,923
I actually didn't need
to go anywhere.
1520
00:59:29,925 --> 00:59:32,467
That doesn't matter.
This is how white saviors work.
1521
00:59:32,469 --> 00:59:33,802
(LAUGHTER)
1522
00:59:33,804 --> 00:59:35,637
♪ It's how you move now ♪
1523
00:59:35,639 --> 00:59:37,222
(CHUCKLING)
1524
00:59:37,224 --> 00:59:38,473
- ♪ Gettin' your groove out... ♪
- Okay.
1525
00:59:38,475 --> 00:59:39,933
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Okay.
1526
00:59:39,935 --> 00:59:41,768
I don't understand
why people wouldn't want
1527
00:59:41,770 --> 00:59:44,604
to get to know about
great journalists and writers.
1528
00:59:44,606 --> 00:59:47,024
Because that shit is boring.
This is a comedy show.
1529
00:59:47,026 --> 00:59:50,193
ANNOUNCER: And now your host,
Katherine Newbury.
1530
00:59:50,195 --> 00:59:54,281
Now, you are in a show
about teen vampires
1531
00:59:54,283 --> 00:59:56,783
- called Van Helsing Prep.
- (SCATTERED CHEERS)
1532
00:59:56,785 --> 00:59:59,703
And you play a character
called Lydia Stoker.
1533
00:59:59,705 --> 01:00:03,206
I can see they did a lot...
a lot of research for this.
1534
01:00:03,208 --> 01:00:05,125
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1535
01:00:05,127 --> 01:00:07,461
It's-it's silly.
Whatever. It's for teens.
1536
01:00:07,463 --> 01:00:09,629
She actually seems very smart.
1537
01:00:09,631 --> 01:00:11,548
ACTRESS: ...even though
she's always in a bikini,
1538
01:00:11,550 --> 01:00:13,675
- which doesn't even really make sense.
- I'd watch that show.
1539
01:00:13,677 --> 01:00:15,677
- I'll start to watch that show.
- Mm-hmm.
1540
01:00:15,679 --> 01:00:17,804
Kind of a guilty pleasure?
1541
01:00:17,806 --> 01:00:19,058
Well, you know what I think?
1542
01:00:21,393 --> 01:00:24,144
There's no such thing
as guilty pleasures...
1543
01:00:24,146 --> 01:00:26,063
only pleasures...
1544
01:00:26,065 --> 01:00:29,608
and I think Van Helsing Prep
is a real pleasure.
1545
01:00:29,610 --> 01:00:31,068
You've seen it?
1546
01:00:31,070 --> 01:00:32,736
Yes. And your character
is reminiscent
1547
01:00:32,738 --> 01:00:34,823
of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.
1548
01:00:36,575 --> 01:00:39,159
I... What I mean is
that it is, um...
1549
01:00:39,161 --> 01:00:40,494
it's very hard to pull off.
1550
01:00:40,496 --> 01:00:43,872
Thank you so much
for saying that.
1551
01:00:43,874 --> 01:00:45,665
- I mean, I haven't seen every episode.
- (LAUGHTER)
1552
01:00:45,667 --> 01:00:47,334
Can I hug you?
1553
01:00:47,336 --> 01:00:48,418
I... Sorry?
1554
01:00:48,420 --> 01:00:50,587
Hug you?
1555
01:00:50,589 --> 01:00:51,880
- She wants to hug you.
- Yeah.
1556
01:00:51,882 --> 01:00:52,881
- Hug her.
- Yeah.
1557
01:00:52,883 --> 01:00:55,467
Um, yeah, sure.
1558
01:00:55,469 --> 01:00:56,551
♪ La-la la la ♪
1559
01:00:56,553 --> 01:00:58,595
(KATHERINE GASPING)
1560
01:00:58,597 --> 01:01:00,430
♪ I'm gonna dance
till I die... ♪
1561
01:01:00,432 --> 01:01:02,265
- Heavens to Betsy.
- (AUDIENCE AWWING)
1562
01:01:02,267 --> 01:01:04,935
Th-th-there, there, there.
There, there.
1563
01:01:04,937 --> 01:01:06,019
Hey.
1564
01:01:06,021 --> 01:01:07,479
Burditt's outside smoking.
1565
01:01:07,481 --> 01:01:10,023
No, I came to talk to you
about a bit.
1566
01:01:10,025 --> 01:01:11,608
Katherine helps people
1567
01:01:11,610 --> 01:01:14,361
complain about a messed-up
Meal Kwik order?
1568
01:01:14,363 --> 01:01:15,821
I don't even know
if it's a thing yet,
1569
01:01:15,823 --> 01:01:17,364
but do you want to work
on it with me?
1570
01:01:17,366 --> 01:01:19,074
- With me?
- Yeah.
1571
01:01:19,076 --> 01:01:20,575
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
Yeah, of course, of course.
1572
01:01:20,577 --> 01:01:21,993
Please. Come in. Welcome.
1573
01:01:21,995 --> 01:01:23,370
- I'll-I'll go get a chair.
- Yeah.
1574
01:01:23,372 --> 01:01:24,913
Or even, like,
a trash can or whatever.
1575
01:01:24,915 --> 01:01:26,915
- Very funny.
- ♪ I'm gonna do it... ♪
1576
01:01:26,917 --> 01:01:29,876
One of the best parts
about being a celebrity
1577
01:01:29,878 --> 01:01:33,088
is that if you complain about
something on social media,
1578
01:01:33,090 --> 01:01:35,465
the company actually
takes care of it
1579
01:01:35,467 --> 01:01:37,968
because they're scared
of bad publicity.
1580
01:01:37,970 --> 01:01:39,719
Nobody cares
if your flight gets canceled,
1581
01:01:39,721 --> 01:01:42,556
but if Chrissy Teigen's does,
watch out.
1582
01:01:42,558 --> 01:01:46,184
So, I've decided to file
your grievances for you.
1583
01:01:46,186 --> 01:01:47,894
So, millennial,
how did you feel
1584
01:01:47,896 --> 01:01:50,230
when your burger arrived
without fries?
1585
01:01:50,232 --> 01:01:51,898
I-I forgot about it,
and then I saw you
1586
01:01:51,900 --> 01:01:53,150
on the street,
and you asked me...
1587
01:01:53,152 --> 01:01:55,610
Devastated. Devastated.
1588
01:01:55,612 --> 01:01:58,155
We're so happy we avenged you.
1589
01:01:58,157 --> 01:01:59,990
- Great. Great.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1590
01:01:59,992 --> 01:02:01,283
Enjoy your fries, everyone.
1591
01:02:01,285 --> 01:02:02,742
REYNOLDS:
"Playful viral bits
1592
01:02:02,744 --> 01:02:04,828
and an overall
more engaged demeanor."
1593
01:02:04,830 --> 01:02:06,496
- Uh-huh.
- "Tonight with Katherine Newbury
1594
01:02:06,498 --> 01:02:08,415
is becoming a must-see
once again!"
1595
01:02:08,417 --> 01:02:10,083
(ALL CHEERING)
1596
01:02:10,085 --> 01:02:12,544
Now, tell me how you feel
you're treated differently
1597
01:02:12,546 --> 01:02:14,045
because of the way you look.
1598
01:02:14,047 --> 01:02:15,422
- Yeah...
- Something small, not systemic.
1599
01:02:15,424 --> 01:02:17,090
There's nothing I can do
about getting you
1600
01:02:17,092 --> 01:02:18,341
- approved for a bank loan.
- (LAUGHTER)
1601
01:02:18,343 --> 01:02:21,011
Into the cab, into the cab.
1602
01:02:21,013 --> 01:02:22,721
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪
1603
01:02:22,723 --> 01:02:24,139
♪ And I know when
we're moving like that ♪
1604
01:02:24,141 --> 01:02:25,765
(LAUGHING)
1605
01:02:25,767 --> 01:02:27,100
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that... ♪
1606
01:02:27,102 --> 01:02:29,227
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
1607
01:02:29,229 --> 01:02:31,313
♪ You like it
when I bring it right back ♪
1608
01:02:31,315 --> 01:02:33,732
♪ And I know when
we do it like that... ♪
1609
01:02:33,734 --> 01:02:35,192
No, don't wait up.
1610
01:02:35,194 --> 01:02:37,444
Okay, yeah, I love you.
It's all good.
1611
01:02:37,446 --> 01:02:39,488
I'm proud of you, Katie.
1612
01:02:39,490 --> 01:02:41,573
KATHERINE (ON COMPUTER):
Hello, everyone.
1613
01:02:41,575 --> 01:02:43,116
My name is Katherine Newbury.
1614
01:02:43,118 --> 01:02:45,785
Now, let me ask,
does anyone in the audience
1615
01:02:45,787 --> 01:02:47,454
suffer from depression?
1616
01:02:47,456 --> 01:02:49,372
No? Nobody?
I can't really be the only one.
1617
01:02:49,374 --> 01:02:51,124
Well, I guess depressed people
aren't really
1618
01:02:51,126 --> 01:02:53,210
the call-and-response type.
1619
01:02:53,212 --> 01:02:55,086
Now, schizophrenics,
on the other hand, they're...
1620
01:02:55,088 --> 01:02:56,963
they're all like,
"Here, here, here."
1621
01:02:56,965 --> 01:02:58,548
And that's just one person.
1622
01:02:58,550 --> 01:03:00,217
- (MOLLY CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1623
01:03:00,219 --> 01:03:02,802
Speaking of depression,
this week for me
1624
01:03:02,804 --> 01:03:06,389
has been a total series
of disasters.
1625
01:03:06,391 --> 01:03:08,225
(MOLLY CHUCKLES)
1626
01:03:08,227 --> 01:03:10,101
It's late.
1627
01:03:10,103 --> 01:03:11,603
(OVER COMPUTER): It's been
particularly irritating.
1628
01:03:11,605 --> 01:03:13,857
- (VIDEO STOPS)
- You should be going home.
1629
01:03:16,735 --> 01:03:19,569
Were you really depressed?
1630
01:03:19,571 --> 01:03:21,530
Or was it just part of the act?
1631
01:03:21,532 --> 01:03:23,031
I'm sorry?
1632
01:03:23,033 --> 01:03:25,200
I've watched this stand-up
so many times
1633
01:03:25,202 --> 01:03:27,702
when I was growing up, and...
1634
01:03:27,704 --> 01:03:29,287
it always made me feel better.
1635
01:03:29,289 --> 01:03:30,956
You know, like,
she's talking about it,
1636
01:03:30,958 --> 01:03:33,917
and she's being so funny, so...
1637
01:03:33,919 --> 01:03:37,172
I must not be weird
for feeling this way.
1638
01:03:39,800 --> 01:03:41,800
Yes, I was.
1639
01:03:41,802 --> 01:03:43,426
Depressed.
1640
01:03:43,428 --> 01:03:45,095
I still am.
1641
01:03:45,097 --> 01:03:46,473
Come with me.
1642
01:03:49,184 --> 01:03:52,060
♪ ♪
1643
01:03:52,062 --> 01:03:54,271
And here we are.
1644
01:03:54,273 --> 01:03:56,231
Oh, my God.
1645
01:03:56,233 --> 01:03:58,567
How many Emmys do you have?
1646
01:03:58,569 --> 01:04:00,527
And a Golden Globe?
(GASPS)
1647
01:04:00,529 --> 01:04:02,112
You were knighted?
1648
01:04:02,114 --> 01:04:04,364
You're Dame Katherine Newbury?
1649
01:04:04,366 --> 01:04:06,408
Mm-hmm.
"Knight" sounds so much better
1650
01:04:06,410 --> 01:04:07,784
than "Dame," though,
doesn't it?
1651
01:04:07,786 --> 01:04:09,327
"Knight"
is Lancelot and romance,
1652
01:04:09,329 --> 01:04:11,246
"Dame" just the old bag
who takes too long
1653
01:04:11,248 --> 01:04:12,624
in the grocery checkout line.
1654
01:04:15,294 --> 01:04:17,294
Wow.
1655
01:04:17,296 --> 01:04:19,379
Burditt is a baby
in this photo.
1656
01:04:19,381 --> 01:04:21,923
That was the first year
we won the Emmy.
1657
01:04:21,925 --> 01:04:23,883
It was good stuff back then.
1658
01:04:23,885 --> 01:04:26,386
Oh, that must be Tom's dad...
I-I mean Seven's dad.
1659
01:04:26,388 --> 01:04:29,306
Must be nice to inherit a job
from your father.
1660
01:04:29,308 --> 01:04:31,683
You know, he's not terrible
just 'cause he's privileged.
1661
01:04:31,685 --> 01:04:34,936
If his very worst qualities
are elitism and snobbery,
1662
01:04:34,938 --> 01:04:36,938
that's not really
all that bad, is it?
1663
01:04:36,940 --> 01:04:39,858
Yeah, well, he thinks
I'm a diversity hire.
1664
01:04:39,860 --> 01:04:41,361
You are a diversity hire.
1665
01:04:42,738 --> 01:04:44,279
What?
You think no one ever
1666
01:04:44,281 --> 01:04:46,197
accused me of sleeping
my way to the top?
1667
01:04:46,199 --> 01:04:47,824
I mean, the point is,
you're here.
1668
01:04:47,826 --> 01:04:49,701
And if you want people
to see you as something
1669
01:04:49,703 --> 01:04:53,663
other than a diversity hire,
you have to make them.
1670
01:04:53,665 --> 01:04:57,792
It's not fair,
but it never is for women.
1671
01:04:57,794 --> 01:05:01,046
I want you to know that you
have changed my life forever.
1672
01:05:01,048 --> 01:05:03,298
- No, look...
- And I want...
1673
01:05:03,300 --> 01:05:07,218
No. I don't want you to
take this the wrong way, but...
1674
01:05:07,220 --> 01:05:10,182
your earnestness can be
very hard to be around.
1675
01:05:11,725 --> 01:05:15,226
God, why can't I express
my admiration for you?
1676
01:05:15,228 --> 01:05:17,854
Because successful people
hate their own admirers,
1677
01:05:17,856 --> 01:05:20,899
and we're suspicious
of people who compliment us.
1678
01:05:20,901 --> 01:05:22,484
That's horrible.
How do you have any friends?
1679
01:05:22,486 --> 01:05:25,155
I don't think I have any.
1680
01:05:28,950 --> 01:05:31,284
(SIGHS)
1681
01:05:31,286 --> 01:05:33,747
Ah, it's getting late.
1682
01:05:35,165 --> 01:05:38,041
♪ ♪
1683
01:05:38,043 --> 01:05:40,712
(TRAFFIC RUMBLING,
HORNS HONKING)
1684
01:05:42,881 --> 01:05:44,964
I have bad news.
1685
01:05:44,966 --> 01:05:47,092
For sweeps, they...
1686
01:05:47,094 --> 01:05:51,890
want you to introduce Tennant
as your replacement.
1687
01:05:54,810 --> 01:05:56,144
We tried.
1688
01:06:00,065 --> 01:06:02,148
DANIEL: I was watching
Game of Thrones.
1689
01:06:02,150 --> 01:06:05,193
And I'm watching
with my girlfriend, right?
1690
01:06:05,195 --> 01:06:08,321
And she's like, "Oh, my God.
1691
01:06:08,323 --> 01:06:10,365
"This is so unfair.
1692
01:06:10,367 --> 01:06:11,991
"All the women are nude,
1693
01:06:11,993 --> 01:06:13,868
but, like,
none of the men are nude."
1694
01:06:13,870 --> 01:06:15,704
- So I whipped out my nuts.
- (CROWD LAUGHS)
1695
01:06:15,706 --> 01:06:17,580
And she's like,
"Oh, my God, balls!"
1696
01:06:17,582 --> 01:06:20,125
And I'm like, "Hypocrite much?"
1697
01:06:20,127 --> 01:06:21,751
Yeah, but that other one
got cut, right?
1698
01:06:21,753 --> 01:06:23,753
Uh, we can cut it,
and we can put this in there
1699
01:06:23,755 --> 01:06:25,213
- in its place, so if, um...
- Okay.
1700
01:06:25,215 --> 01:06:26,840
- Oh, good.
- So, if we're running long,
1701
01:06:26,842 --> 01:06:28,758
- we can end on the Supreme Court joke.
- Okay. Yeah.
1702
01:06:28,760 --> 01:06:30,719
- And if not, then we have two more cards ready to go.
- Here.
1703
01:06:30,721 --> 01:06:33,346
- Okay.
- All right. So, why don't we, uh, I don't know...
1704
01:06:33,348 --> 01:06:35,140
Okay, I just have to say...
1705
01:06:35,142 --> 01:06:38,184
no, no, I-I need to say...
that you don't have to do this.
1706
01:06:38,186 --> 01:06:39,686
Stop.
1707
01:06:39,688 --> 01:06:42,439
Listen to me.
You need to do this.
1708
01:06:42,441 --> 01:06:44,023
Introducing Tennant
is the classy move.
1709
01:06:44,025 --> 01:06:45,442
You make it look like
it was your decision.
1710
01:06:45,444 --> 01:06:46,609
I mean, it's-it's the best
we can do.
1711
01:06:46,611 --> 01:06:47,902
No, it's not.
1712
01:06:47,904 --> 01:06:49,446
This is your show.
1713
01:06:49,448 --> 01:06:51,948
It's an expression
of who you are.
1714
01:06:51,950 --> 01:06:55,370
Is handing the show over
to Daniel Tennant who you are?
1715
01:06:57,289 --> 01:06:59,583
I have to prepare.
1716
01:07:00,751 --> 01:07:02,333
That's not cool.
1717
01:07:02,335 --> 01:07:04,377
Hey. Hey!
1718
01:07:04,379 --> 01:07:06,880
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
1719
01:07:06,882 --> 01:07:08,173
Okay.
1720
01:07:08,175 --> 01:07:09,507
You can't tell her
stuff like that.
1721
01:07:09,509 --> 01:07:11,134
They made a decision, Molly.
1722
01:07:11,136 --> 01:07:13,428
Now it's our job...
our-our actual job...
1723
01:07:13,430 --> 01:07:15,472
to find a way for our boss
1724
01:07:15,474 --> 01:07:16,890
to tell America
that she's stepping down
1725
01:07:16,892 --> 01:07:18,308
and to do it in a way
1726
01:07:18,310 --> 01:07:20,560
that makes her look classy
and smart,
1727
01:07:20,562 --> 01:07:22,645
and for all of us
to save a little face.
1728
01:07:22,647 --> 01:07:24,856
Yes, saving face:
the most important pillar
1729
01:07:24,858 --> 01:07:26,399
in the WASP handbook to life.
1730
01:07:26,401 --> 01:07:28,109
Oh, okay. There's no pillars
in a handbook,
1731
01:07:28,111 --> 01:07:29,611
so get your metaphors straight.
1732
01:07:29,613 --> 01:07:31,362
And do you think we want her
to give the show
1733
01:07:31,364 --> 01:07:33,239
to a douche like Tennant, no,
but we don't go rogue
1734
01:07:33,241 --> 01:07:34,616
and just say anything we feel.
1735
01:07:34,618 --> 01:07:36,034
That's not how things work.
1736
01:07:36,036 --> 01:07:37,744
You know what?
Fuck how things work.
1737
01:07:37,746 --> 01:07:39,496
If I cared how things work,
I wouldn't have this job.
1738
01:07:39,498 --> 01:07:42,499
(CHUCKLING): Which would be
absolutely fantastic.
1739
01:07:42,501 --> 01:07:45,293
Do I remind you of a girlfriend
that dumped you or something?
1740
01:07:45,295 --> 01:07:48,171
Oh, yes, yeah. I-I had a long
string of failed relationships
1741
01:07:48,173 --> 01:07:50,965
with semi-talented women
who overdress for work.
1742
01:07:50,967 --> 01:07:52,717
It must be so hard for you.
1743
01:07:52,719 --> 01:07:53,760
What?
1744
01:07:53,762 --> 01:07:56,429
That we have the same job.
1745
01:07:56,431 --> 01:07:57,972
Not the same job, Molly.
1746
01:07:57,974 --> 01:07:59,641
You write jokes
for the monologue.
1747
01:07:59,643 --> 01:08:02,310
- I'm the head monologue writer.
- Whatever, Seven.
1748
01:08:02,312 --> 01:08:04,312
Walk into a dead end... that's
a... that's a great finish.
1749
01:08:04,314 --> 01:08:06,022
Nope, go-go that... Yep, yep.
1750
01:08:06,024 --> 01:08:07,899
No, no, you showed me.
Walking into-into a closet.
1751
01:08:07,901 --> 01:08:09,484
That's great.
1752
01:08:09,486 --> 01:08:11,571
♪ ♪
1753
01:08:15,200 --> 01:08:17,450
- (BELL RINGS)
- WOMAN: And in five,
1754
01:08:17,452 --> 01:08:20,453
- four, three, two...
- (BAND PLAYS SHOW THEME)
1755
01:08:20,455 --> 01:08:22,747
ANNOUNCER:
Katherine Newbury.
1756
01:08:22,749 --> 01:08:25,500
Now, there are some rumors
out there
1757
01:08:25,502 --> 01:08:27,585
that you might be
replacing me.
1758
01:08:27,587 --> 01:08:28,922
(CROWD MURMURING, GASPING)
1759
01:08:30,966 --> 01:08:33,508
Uh, well, uh...
1760
01:08:33,510 --> 01:08:34,676
you're a legend, okay?
1761
01:08:34,678 --> 01:08:36,678
I would be beyond honored.
1762
01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:38,137
Thank you.
1763
01:08:38,139 --> 01:08:42,016
The thing is, I...
I don't want to go.
1764
01:08:42,018 --> 01:08:43,476
(LAUGHTER)
1765
01:08:43,478 --> 01:08:45,770
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1766
01:08:45,772 --> 01:08:48,439
I get it. I mean, who would
want to leave here, right?
1767
01:08:48,441 --> 01:08:50,024
Your name's on the drum.
1768
01:08:50,026 --> 01:08:52,235
Hey, give it up for
Katherine Newbury, y'all.
1769
01:08:52,237 --> 01:08:54,072
- Make some noise!
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1770
01:08:59,160 --> 01:09:02,078
Thank you for the noise.
1771
01:09:02,080 --> 01:09:04,539
I find myself in a genuinely
strange position, though,
1772
01:09:04,541 --> 01:09:06,583
because I truly
do not want to go.
1773
01:09:06,585 --> 01:09:09,502
- Do you want me to go?
- CROWD: No!
1774
01:09:09,504 --> 01:09:13,548
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING,
MURMURING)
1775
01:09:13,550 --> 01:09:16,384
Uh, we all wish
she could stay, right?
1776
01:09:16,386 --> 01:09:18,678
- I mean...
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1777
01:09:18,680 --> 01:09:20,015
Right.
1778
01:09:21,308 --> 01:09:22,809
You really wish I could stay?
1779
01:09:23,977 --> 01:09:25,351
Sure. Yeah.
1780
01:09:25,353 --> 01:09:27,103
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1781
01:09:27,105 --> 01:09:29,188
You really mean it?
1782
01:09:29,190 --> 01:09:30,773
(LIGHT LAUGHTER)
1783
01:09:30,775 --> 01:09:32,817
(CHUCKLING):
Yeah. Yes.
1784
01:09:32,819 --> 01:09:34,903
Well, you know what, Daniel?
1785
01:09:34,905 --> 01:09:36,613
I'll stay.
1786
01:09:36,615 --> 01:09:38,823
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1787
01:09:38,825 --> 01:09:40,742
But only because you really,
really want me to.
1788
01:09:40,744 --> 01:09:42,619
Thank you, Daniel.
1789
01:09:42,621 --> 01:09:45,038
(CHANTING):
Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
1790
01:09:45,040 --> 01:09:47,290
Kate! Kate! Kate!
Kate! Kate!
1791
01:09:47,292 --> 01:09:48,708
You're welcome, America.
1792
01:09:48,710 --> 01:09:50,501
- Well, that's...
- (KATHERINE LAUGHS)
1793
01:09:50,503 --> 01:09:53,046
- CROWD: Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
- If you agree with me,
1794
01:09:53,048 --> 01:09:55,006
why don't you show me
some love on Twitter.
1795
01:09:55,008 --> 01:09:56,257
We have to take a break.
1796
01:09:56,259 --> 01:09:57,759
We'll see you back here
shortly.
1797
01:09:57,761 --> 01:10:00,889
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- (BAND PLAYS SHOW THEME)
1798
01:10:02,182 --> 01:10:03,558
You did great.
1799
01:10:06,019 --> 01:10:08,144
- BILLY: I got this.
- What was that, man?
1800
01:10:08,146 --> 01:10:10,690
That sucked. We're done.
1801
01:10:11,775 --> 01:10:12,982
Did you enjoy that?
1802
01:10:12,984 --> 01:10:14,359
'Cause now you're fucked.
1803
01:10:14,361 --> 01:10:16,027
I don't know, Billy,
I think it really
1804
01:10:16,029 --> 01:10:17,487
shook the dust off this place.
1805
01:10:17,489 --> 01:10:18,905
Don't you?
1806
01:10:18,907 --> 01:10:21,034
Now get the fuck off my stage.
1807
01:10:24,079 --> 01:10:25,912
She did what?
1808
01:10:25,914 --> 01:10:27,538
Oh, oh, another thing.
1809
01:10:27,540 --> 01:10:29,374
I'm part of, um, um,
something called a hashtag
1810
01:10:29,376 --> 01:10:31,209
in which over half
a million people
1811
01:10:31,211 --> 01:10:34,754
participated or liked it or did
whatever they do with it.
1812
01:10:34,756 --> 01:10:36,424
I don't know.
1813
01:10:38,385 --> 01:10:39,425
What's wrong?
1814
01:10:39,427 --> 01:10:40,718
Nothing.
1815
01:10:40,720 --> 01:10:42,303
You were spectacular.
1816
01:10:42,305 --> 01:10:44,806
Walter, I'm not afraid
of Billy Kastner.
1817
01:10:44,808 --> 01:10:46,349
And you shouldn't be.
1818
01:10:46,351 --> 01:10:48,103
I'm going to open a champagne.
1819
01:10:50,772 --> 01:10:52,857
♪ ♪
1820
01:11:04,285 --> 01:11:05,954
(BEEPING)
1821
01:11:06,997 --> 01:11:08,079
Hi.
1822
01:11:08,081 --> 01:11:09,706
- Hey.
- So, to celebrate
1823
01:11:09,708 --> 01:11:11,958
the single best day
of my professional career,
1824
01:11:11,960 --> 01:11:14,919
I thought I would surprise you
with vodka and with cupcakes.
1825
01:11:14,921 --> 01:11:16,629
Cupcakes are for me.
The vodka's for you.
1826
01:11:16,631 --> 01:11:18,089
Uh, actually,
the vodka's for me, too,
1827
01:11:18,091 --> 01:11:19,215
if I'm being completely honest.
1828
01:11:19,217 --> 01:11:21,426
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1829
01:11:21,428 --> 01:11:24,012
You should call
before you come over.
1830
01:11:24,014 --> 01:11:25,430
Yeah, but where's
the fun in that?
1831
01:11:25,432 --> 01:11:27,934
I know, but I-I can't tonight.
1832
01:11:29,811 --> 01:11:31,561
Do you have someone over?
1833
01:11:31,563 --> 01:11:33,231
(CHUCKLES)
1834
01:11:34,482 --> 01:11:36,899
Oh, my God,
this is so embarrassing.
1835
01:11:36,901 --> 01:11:38,776
- No, no.
- Oh, this fucking sucks.
1836
01:11:38,778 --> 01:11:40,778
- Oh, God. Oh...
- No, no. Molly.
1837
01:11:40,780 --> 01:11:42,615
Molly. Molly.
1838
01:11:44,534 --> 01:11:46,242
- I think we should get a drink.
- Yeah.
1839
01:11:46,244 --> 01:11:49,120
We should drink and maybe
talk about "73 Questions."
1840
01:11:49,122 --> 01:11:51,247
- Yes.
- Hey. (CHUCKLES)
1841
01:11:51,249 --> 01:11:53,583
Uh, Molly, uh...
Molly, you want to
1842
01:11:53,585 --> 01:11:55,209
- go somewhere and talk?
- No, thanks.
1843
01:11:55,211 --> 01:11:57,795
- Come on, Molly.
- You should ask someone else.
1844
01:11:57,797 --> 01:12:00,592
Maybe it won't take you
three weeks to fuck them.
1845
01:12:01,926 --> 01:12:03,176
(CHARLIE EXHALES SHARPLY)
1846
01:12:03,178 --> 01:12:04,721
(CHARLIE CHUCKLES)
1847
01:12:06,514 --> 01:12:08,433
- (CAR HORN HONKS)
- TOM: Hey.
1848
01:12:09,642 --> 01:12:11,768
So, that was the other shoe.
1849
01:12:11,770 --> 01:12:13,352
What?
1850
01:12:13,354 --> 01:12:15,480
The other shoe dropping...
with Charlie.
1851
01:12:15,482 --> 01:12:17,690
Oh, no, I really don't want
to talk to you about this.
1852
01:12:17,692 --> 01:12:19,192
- Can I tell you a story?
- No, thanks.
1853
01:12:19,194 --> 01:12:20,568
All right, so the summer
after freshman year,
1854
01:12:20,570 --> 01:12:21,986
Charlie and I saved up
all of our money
1855
01:12:21,988 --> 01:12:23,488
to go to Pearl Jam
in Chicago, right?
1856
01:12:23,490 --> 01:12:25,114
And it was gonna be
this epic road trip.
1857
01:12:25,116 --> 01:12:26,699
The drive out was pretty great.
1858
01:12:26,701 --> 01:12:28,910
We just got high every day.
We laughed a lot.
1859
01:12:28,912 --> 01:12:31,370
We even got these matching
compass tattoos on our thighs.
1860
01:12:31,372 --> 01:12:33,498
Anyway, we get there,
I go to get a T-shirt
1861
01:12:33,500 --> 01:12:36,542
at the merch stand,
I come back, and he's gone.
1862
01:12:36,544 --> 01:12:37,960
Gone?
1863
01:12:37,962 --> 01:12:39,337
What do you mean, gone?
1864
01:12:39,339 --> 01:12:42,548
He met a girl, left with her.
1865
01:12:42,550 --> 01:12:44,133
I never saw him again.
1866
01:12:44,135 --> 01:12:46,260
I mean, you saw him again
later that night?
1867
01:12:46,262 --> 01:12:48,554
- I never saw him again that summer.
- That is horrible.
1868
01:12:48,556 --> 01:12:50,223
Why are you still friends
with him?
1869
01:12:50,225 --> 01:12:51,974
Well, I know that you
wouldn't be, right?
1870
01:12:51,976 --> 01:12:54,185
No, you're too principled
for that.
1871
01:12:54,187 --> 01:12:55,978
Teach you that at the factory?
1872
01:12:55,980 --> 01:12:56,979
It's a chemical plant.
1873
01:12:56,981 --> 01:12:58,856
All right. Look.
1874
01:12:58,858 --> 01:13:01,734
When you work with someone
that you've known for 18 years,
1875
01:13:01,736 --> 01:13:04,195
you can either be best friends
or mortal enemies.
1876
01:13:04,197 --> 01:13:06,697
I mean, you can't be
lifelong acquaintances.
1877
01:13:06,699 --> 01:13:08,910
Mortal enemies just felt like
a lot more work.
1878
01:13:11,621 --> 01:13:14,580
- You still have that tattoo?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1879
01:13:14,582 --> 01:13:16,249
Compass points
right to my balls.
1880
01:13:16,251 --> 01:13:18,668
- It's fucking horrible.
- (LAUGHS)
1881
01:13:18,670 --> 01:13:20,878
I-I don't want to wear it.
That's all.
1882
01:13:20,880 --> 01:13:22,255
No, I get that. I do.
1883
01:13:22,257 --> 01:13:23,840
- Let me explain, though.
- It's stupid.
1884
01:13:23,842 --> 01:13:25,633
MANCUSO: No, no, no,
but the bit is the idea
1885
01:13:25,635 --> 01:13:26,843
- that you're a pirate that everybody knows.
- Katherine.
1886
01:13:26,845 --> 01:13:27,885
- Katherine. Katherine.
- This...
1887
01:13:27,887 --> 01:13:29,262
- Uh, sorry.
- What?
1888
01:13:29,264 --> 01:13:30,682
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
1889
01:13:32,892 --> 01:13:34,142
(QUIETLY):
Oh, my God.
1890
01:13:34,144 --> 01:13:36,020
Okay.
1891
01:13:38,022 --> 01:13:42,400
We don't...
we don't have to do the hook.
1892
01:13:42,402 --> 01:13:44,193
Hey. I got your McNuggets.
1893
01:13:44,195 --> 01:13:46,571
But I'm not gonna lie...
I had a few.
1894
01:13:46,573 --> 01:13:48,199
Look at this.
1895
01:13:55,540 --> 01:13:57,874
No. It can't be true.
It's not possible.
1896
01:13:57,876 --> 01:13:59,709
They hacked his e-mail.
1897
01:13:59,711 --> 01:14:01,544
It has to be true.
1898
01:14:01,546 --> 01:14:03,254
He hasn't returned
any of my calls.
1899
01:14:03,256 --> 01:14:04,422
MANCUSO:
And why Charlie?
1900
01:14:04,424 --> 01:14:05,798
- Why him?
- Because he's hot.
1901
01:14:05,800 --> 01:14:07,508
Do you think
it should have been you?
1902
01:14:07,510 --> 01:14:09,218
No, I don't.
1903
01:14:09,220 --> 01:14:11,262
And, by the way, looks and fame
aren't everything.
1904
01:14:11,264 --> 01:14:13,097
They're definitely everything.
1905
01:14:13,099 --> 01:14:15,141
Guys, can we not be glib
about this, please?
1906
01:14:15,143 --> 01:14:16,893
I mean, I thought
she really loved Walter.
1907
01:14:16,895 --> 01:14:18,811
- She does love him.
- MANCUSO: The line is:
1908
01:14:18,813 --> 01:14:20,771
- "In sickness or in health."
- And you know what?
1909
01:14:20,773 --> 01:14:23,316
People always make those vows
in health,
1910
01:14:23,318 --> 01:14:25,067
so let's cut her some slack.
1911
01:14:25,069 --> 01:14:26,946
Let's get back to work.
1912
01:14:31,659 --> 01:14:32,994
(SIGHS)
1913
01:14:35,038 --> 01:14:37,371
Katherine Newbury is
in the news for allegedly
1914
01:14:37,373 --> 01:14:39,665
carrying on an affair
with a much younger man
1915
01:14:39,667 --> 01:14:41,792
who, uh, also happens to be
an employee of hers.
1916
01:14:41,794 --> 01:14:43,377
Did you see this?
(CHUCKLES)
1917
01:14:43,379 --> 01:14:45,129
I guess she took
the advice to get
1918
01:14:45,131 --> 01:14:48,216
more of the younger male
demographic to heart.
1919
01:14:48,218 --> 01:14:50,303
(CROWD LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1920
01:14:51,763 --> 01:14:53,765
♪ ♪
1921
01:14:58,770 --> 01:15:00,770
- (LINE RINGING)
- This is Walter.
1922
01:15:00,772 --> 01:15:02,313
Leave a message.
1923
01:15:02,315 --> 01:15:04,190
KATHERINE:
Walter, please call me back.
1924
01:15:04,192 --> 01:15:06,236
I need to see you.
1925
01:15:07,820 --> 01:15:09,864
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
1926
01:15:17,997 --> 01:15:20,750
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- MOLLY: Katherine?
1927
01:15:21,960 --> 01:15:24,087
Oh, my God.
1928
01:15:25,797 --> 01:15:28,967
Open a window, for God's sakes.
1929
01:15:33,638 --> 01:15:35,263
It happened three years ago.
1930
01:15:35,265 --> 01:15:38,432
Walter had just been diagnosed,
1931
01:15:38,434 --> 01:15:40,726
and he was so depressed
and angry,
1932
01:15:40,728 --> 01:15:42,687
and I got angry with him
1933
01:15:42,689 --> 01:15:44,855
for being angry,
1934
01:15:44,857 --> 01:15:49,151
and Charlie was so warm
and funny and persistent and...
1935
01:15:49,153 --> 01:15:50,736
and gorgeous.
1936
01:15:50,738 --> 01:15:52,196
It's hard when there's
someone that gorgeous
1937
01:15:52,198 --> 01:15:55,032
just knocking about.
1938
01:15:55,034 --> 01:15:56,993
Just a couple of months,
but I've regretted it
1939
01:15:56,995 --> 01:15:59,120
every single second since.
1940
01:15:59,122 --> 01:16:01,789
You know what? It actually...
it doesn't matter,
1941
01:16:01,791 --> 01:16:03,416
because I-I've been working
on the monologue,
1942
01:16:03,418 --> 01:16:05,126
and I think we have
an opportunity
1943
01:16:05,128 --> 01:16:06,919
to really say something here.
1944
01:16:06,921 --> 01:16:08,504
I'm not addressing it.
1945
01:16:08,506 --> 01:16:10,631
- What?
- No, we'll go dark for a week,
1946
01:16:10,633 --> 01:16:13,050
and then I'll come back on,
and I won't mention it.
1947
01:16:13,052 --> 01:16:16,679
And then, in a month,
I'll be gone.
1948
01:16:16,681 --> 01:16:19,557
You'll be gone?
Why are you doing that?
1949
01:16:19,559 --> 01:16:21,183
Because of my complete
and utter humiliation
1950
01:16:21,185 --> 01:16:22,977
in the eyes of
the American public, maybe?
1951
01:16:22,979 --> 01:16:24,854
No. You're being demonized,
Katherine,
1952
01:16:24,856 --> 01:16:26,480
- and it's not fair.
- It is fair.
1953
01:16:26,482 --> 01:16:28,691
I should be demonized.
I'm Katherine Newbury.
1954
01:16:28,693 --> 01:16:30,359
I stand for excellence
without compromise.
1955
01:16:30,361 --> 01:16:32,570
I fucked up.
I don't deserve the show.
1956
01:16:32,572 --> 01:16:34,905
- I think that you're wrong.
- You...
1957
01:16:34,907 --> 01:16:36,991
with over two months
experience in television.
1958
01:16:36,993 --> 01:16:39,869
I get it. You are ashamed
of what you did,
1959
01:16:39,871 --> 01:16:42,496
and you don't want to face it,
but everybody makes mistakes.
1960
01:16:42,498 --> 01:16:43,789
You need to talk about it.
1961
01:16:43,791 --> 01:16:45,708
I need to talk about it?
1962
01:16:45,710 --> 01:16:50,046
You know, what's so fascinating
about your generation is...
1963
01:16:50,048 --> 01:16:52,214
your obsession with catharsis.
1964
01:16:52,216 --> 01:16:53,674
It's so narcissistic.
1965
01:16:53,676 --> 01:16:55,176
In fact, we might as well
1966
01:16:55,178 --> 01:16:57,303
just go ahead
and call it catharcissism.
1967
01:16:57,305 --> 01:16:59,680
Where, for some reason,
just because
1968
01:16:59,682 --> 01:17:01,223
you confess something publicly,
1969
01:17:01,225 --> 01:17:03,184
you automatically get
redemption.
1970
01:17:03,186 --> 01:17:04,602
Well, I'm not gonna
play that trick.
1971
01:17:04,604 --> 01:17:06,479
I owe it to him,
and I owe it to me.
1972
01:17:06,481 --> 01:17:08,105
And that's
what's called backbone.
1973
01:17:08,107 --> 01:17:10,191
That's what's...
that's what's known as grit.
1974
01:17:10,193 --> 01:17:13,652
You want to talk to me
about grit?
1975
01:17:13,654 --> 01:17:15,780
I don't have any friends.
1976
01:17:15,782 --> 01:17:17,698
I don't come
from a rich family.
1977
01:17:17,700 --> 01:17:20,868
I didn't have a man whisk me
away when I was 20 years old
1978
01:17:20,870 --> 01:17:22,995
and tell me that I was
beautiful and a genius.
1979
01:17:22,997 --> 01:17:25,875
And guess what...
I'm probably not a genius.
1980
01:17:27,543 --> 01:17:31,796
And this show...
this is all I have.
1981
01:17:31,798 --> 01:17:34,175
So fuck you for giving it up.
1982
01:17:35,635 --> 01:17:38,677
You are selfish,
and you are scared,
1983
01:17:38,679 --> 01:17:40,805
and you have deluded yourself
into thinking
1984
01:17:40,807 --> 01:17:43,474
that is somehow the moral
high ground, but it's not.
1985
01:17:43,476 --> 01:17:45,309
Well, you don't have to worry
about that anymore,
1986
01:17:45,311 --> 01:17:46,727
because you no longer work
for me.
1987
01:17:46,729 --> 01:17:48,020
You're fired.
1988
01:17:48,022 --> 01:17:49,480
You know, it's funny.
1989
01:17:49,482 --> 01:17:51,107
You know everything about me,
1990
01:17:51,109 --> 01:17:52,942
and I don't even think
about you.
1991
01:17:52,944 --> 01:17:54,652
Bye-bye.
1992
01:17:54,654 --> 01:17:57,115
♪ ♪
1993
01:17:59,242 --> 01:18:02,701
Look, please don't make fun
of where I live.
1994
01:18:02,703 --> 01:18:04,787
I know it sucks.
1995
01:18:04,789 --> 01:18:06,247
No, it's cool.
1996
01:18:06,249 --> 01:18:07,915
It's like you're in
witness protection
1997
01:18:07,917 --> 01:18:10,420
and your secret identity
is an elderly Indian woman.
1998
01:18:11,712 --> 01:18:14,380
Good amount of glitter.
I like the ponies.
1999
01:18:14,382 --> 01:18:17,174
So, are you super excited about
getting your first period?
2000
01:18:17,176 --> 01:18:18,801
(CRYING):
Oh, come on, man.
2001
01:18:18,803 --> 01:18:20,136
Wait, are you...?
2002
01:18:20,138 --> 01:18:21,429
Oh, please don't do that.
2003
01:18:21,431 --> 01:18:23,222
Okay? I-I'm not...
2004
01:18:23,224 --> 01:18:25,266
I'm not good with...
I'm not good with that.
2005
01:18:25,268 --> 01:18:27,101
It's-it's not what I do.
2006
01:18:27,103 --> 01:18:29,353
I just got fired after working
less than three months
2007
01:18:29,355 --> 01:18:30,980
on the job of my dreams.
2008
01:18:30,982 --> 01:18:33,357
Now I have to go back
to Pennsylvania
2009
01:18:33,359 --> 01:18:35,276
and work in a factory.
2010
01:18:35,278 --> 01:18:36,569
Thought it was
a chemical plant.
2011
01:18:36,571 --> 01:18:38,362
It's basically the same thing.
2012
01:18:38,364 --> 01:18:40,156
Come on.
2013
01:18:40,158 --> 01:18:42,491
(CHUCKLING):
You're not going back there.
2014
01:18:42,493 --> 01:18:44,076
Who will hire me?
2015
01:18:44,078 --> 01:18:45,619
I'm such a fucking loser.
2016
01:18:45,621 --> 01:18:48,499
I make such a bad
first impression on people.
2017
01:18:50,126 --> 01:18:52,918
Well, there is some truth
to that, but, I mean...
2018
01:18:52,920 --> 01:18:54,964
I hate everybody,
and you made me like you, so...
2019
01:18:56,883 --> 01:18:59,049
Honestly, you just need
to stop being such a pussy.
2020
01:18:59,051 --> 01:19:01,719
Hey, that was
incredibly offensive.
2021
01:19:01,721 --> 01:19:04,680
Maybe, but, I mean,
it's also pretty true.
2022
01:19:04,682 --> 01:19:06,974
- (STAMMERING)
- What? You can't give up
2023
01:19:06,976 --> 01:19:09,768
just 'cause Katherine Newbury
was mean to you.
2024
01:19:09,770 --> 01:19:11,729
Come on, suck it up. Okay?
2025
01:19:11,731 --> 01:19:14,190
Stay in New York.
Get a... different apartment.
2026
01:19:14,192 --> 01:19:16,442
Not this one. Anything
but this one, honestly.
2027
01:19:16,444 --> 01:19:19,071
- O-Okay.
- Okay? And find another show to work on.
2028
01:19:21,324 --> 01:19:23,367
You're too good, Molly.
2029
01:19:25,870 --> 01:19:27,828
Do you really think that?
2030
01:19:27,830 --> 01:19:29,830
You know how hard it is for me
to compliment people,
2031
01:19:29,832 --> 01:19:31,874
so just don't make me
say it again.
2032
01:19:31,876 --> 01:19:33,918
(CHUCKLES)
2033
01:19:33,920 --> 01:19:36,464
(SNIFFLES, LAUGHS)
2034
01:19:39,675 --> 01:19:41,761
♪ ♪
2035
01:19:53,481 --> 01:19:55,858
Good luck. Yeah?
2036
01:19:56,859 --> 01:19:58,442
Oh, you-you can leave that.
2037
01:19:58,444 --> 01:20:00,530
I kind of like it.
2038
01:20:12,667 --> 01:20:14,917
I'm on Zillow,
and in your price range,
2039
01:20:14,919 --> 01:20:16,794
you can't really afford
to live anywhere nice.
2040
01:20:16,796 --> 01:20:18,504
Okay, well,
where can I afford to live?
2041
01:20:18,506 --> 01:20:20,881
SoGo? It's the neighborhood
south of Gowanus.
2042
01:20:20,883 --> 01:20:23,217
Remember on the news?
They found that corpse there.
2043
01:20:23,219 --> 01:20:25,638
God, Parvati,
how is that helpful?
2044
01:20:27,431 --> 01:20:29,723
So, you left
after ten weeks, huh?
2045
01:20:29,725 --> 01:20:31,392
I was fired.
2046
01:20:31,394 --> 01:20:33,936
Yeah, I figured.
I was just trying to be polite.
2047
01:20:33,938 --> 01:20:37,022
I wasn't a good
personality match with my boss.
2048
01:20:37,024 --> 01:20:38,732
What is she like, anyway?
2049
01:20:38,734 --> 01:20:40,901
Because she's nice to me
at the Emmys,
2050
01:20:40,903 --> 01:20:42,653
but I can also tell on her face
2051
01:20:42,655 --> 01:20:45,072
that niceness
is very hard for her.
2052
01:20:45,074 --> 01:20:48,158
She was the least compassionate
person I've ever met.
2053
01:20:48,160 --> 01:20:50,619
She could be so casually cruel,
2054
01:20:50,621 --> 01:20:53,831
all in the name
of excellence and efficiency.
2055
01:20:53,833 --> 01:20:56,125
Sounds like
a laid-back place to work.
2056
01:20:56,127 --> 01:20:58,168
I thought your jokes
were really good.
2057
01:20:58,170 --> 01:20:59,587
And yet, every morning,
2058
01:20:59,589 --> 01:21:00,921
I would wake up
with this yearning
2059
01:21:00,923 --> 01:21:02,423
to impress her, you know?
2060
01:21:02,425 --> 01:21:04,174
Like, somehow,
if I could make her laugh,
2061
01:21:04,176 --> 01:21:07,469
that meant that I was reaching
my greatest potential.
2062
01:21:07,471 --> 01:21:09,346
So, anyways, your jokes...
2063
01:21:09,348 --> 01:21:10,973
God, and the sound
of her laugh,
2064
01:21:10,975 --> 01:21:12,641
it would just light up
the whole room.
2065
01:21:12,643 --> 01:21:14,518
It was like a thousand
church bells.
2066
01:21:14,520 --> 01:21:15,769
It was incredible.
2067
01:21:15,771 --> 01:21:18,439
Well, I want to hire you,
2068
01:21:18,441 --> 01:21:20,983
but if you ever want to say
something like that again,
2069
01:21:20,985 --> 01:21:23,652
it should definitely be...
to a therapist.
2070
01:21:23,654 --> 01:21:25,654
Oh, my God.
Okay, I-I would never...
2071
01:21:25,656 --> 01:21:27,114
I would never say that
about you.
2072
01:21:27,116 --> 01:21:28,407
- Yeah, no, please don't.
- Oh, my God.
2073
01:21:28,409 --> 01:21:29,700
Okay, thank you.
2074
01:21:29,702 --> 01:21:31,869
Thank you so much. Wow.
2075
01:21:31,871 --> 01:21:34,079
Fans on social media
are all wondering
2076
01:21:34,081 --> 01:21:35,664
whether Katherine Newbury
2077
01:21:35,666 --> 01:21:37,708
will announce her retirement
tomorrow night.
2078
01:21:37,710 --> 01:21:40,044
This comes after weeks
of mostly tabloid reporting
2079
01:21:40,046 --> 01:21:42,046
on her alleged
extramarital affair
2080
01:21:42,048 --> 01:21:44,798
and her pointed silence
on the matter.
2081
01:21:44,800 --> 01:21:46,967
This caps off one of
the most interesting seasons
2082
01:21:46,969 --> 01:21:49,055
in late-night television
in recent years.
2083
01:21:50,014 --> 01:21:51,847
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
2084
01:21:51,849 --> 01:21:54,475
TOM:
Dogs with, like, people names?
2085
01:21:54,477 --> 01:21:56,393
(CHATTER STOPS)
2086
01:21:56,395 --> 01:21:57,436
- BRAD: Hey.
- TOM: Hey.
2087
01:21:57,438 --> 01:21:58,437
Hi.
2088
01:21:58,439 --> 01:21:59,855
No, it's fine.
2089
01:21:59,857 --> 01:22:01,940
- You need help with the speech?
- No, no.
2090
01:22:01,942 --> 01:22:05,988
I'm sure you've all got
something lined up after this.
2091
01:22:07,823 --> 01:22:10,368
I just came to say thank you.
2092
01:22:12,578 --> 01:22:15,537
Brad.
2093
01:22:15,539 --> 01:22:17,416
Tom.
2094
01:22:20,795 --> 01:22:24,004
Mancuso. Reynolds.
2095
01:22:24,006 --> 01:22:25,923
Burditt.
2096
01:22:25,925 --> 01:22:29,512
Mendelsohn. Weber.
2097
01:22:32,431 --> 01:22:34,183
Six.
2098
01:22:38,354 --> 01:22:40,312
How did John Phillips die?
2099
01:22:40,314 --> 01:22:43,526
Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
2100
01:22:48,072 --> 01:22:51,534
(CRYING): I remember being
so hard on him.
2101
01:22:52,993 --> 01:22:55,327
You gave him a job.
2102
01:22:55,329 --> 01:22:57,540
I wasn't nice to him.
2103
01:22:59,291 --> 01:23:01,792
We're not here
because you're nice.
2104
01:23:01,794 --> 01:23:04,630
- We're here because you're good.
- (SNIFFLES)
2105
01:23:05,923 --> 01:23:08,424
She cried.
And thanked us.
2106
01:23:08,426 --> 01:23:10,384
- What?
- It was crazy.
2107
01:23:10,386 --> 01:23:12,511
When she said my name,
I almost got an erection.
2108
01:23:12,513 --> 01:23:13,762
- (LAUGHS)
- Look, I really think
2109
01:23:13,764 --> 01:23:15,305
you should watch
the show later.
2110
01:23:15,307 --> 01:23:17,099
I mean, you worked
so hard on this.
2111
01:23:17,101 --> 01:23:18,642
Tom, go to work.
I'll talk to you later.
2112
01:23:18,644 --> 01:23:19,935
All right, all right.
2113
01:23:19,937 --> 01:23:21,522
Bye.
2114
01:23:24,984 --> 01:23:27,027
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
2115
01:23:28,988 --> 01:23:32,489
- Walter.
- WALTER: Yeah.
2116
01:23:32,491 --> 01:23:34,950
I'd like to see you.
2117
01:23:34,952 --> 01:23:37,035
Okay.
2118
01:23:37,037 --> 01:23:38,704
KATHERINE: Oh, but
there's press at the house.
2119
01:23:38,706 --> 01:23:40,833
Um, I'll think of somewhere.
2120
01:23:42,293 --> 01:23:44,336
(DOOR CLOSES)
2121
01:23:50,926 --> 01:23:53,093
WALTER:
When I left my wife and family
2122
01:23:53,095 --> 01:23:56,096
for a beautiful young
English girl,
2123
01:23:56,098 --> 01:23:59,433
they told me
there would be karma.
2124
01:23:59,435 --> 01:24:01,518
That I would pay for it.
2125
01:24:01,520 --> 01:24:03,520
And then...
2126
01:24:03,522 --> 01:24:05,939
years passed,
and nothing happened.
2127
01:24:05,941 --> 01:24:08,358
And I thought, "Well...
2128
01:24:08,360 --> 01:24:11,030
I'm the luckiest bastard
alive."
2129
01:24:12,406 --> 01:24:15,367
I guess I was wrong.
(SIGHS)
2130
01:24:17,369 --> 01:24:21,205
It's hard enough for me
to live with a disease
2131
01:24:21,207 --> 01:24:23,624
that's probably going
to kill me
2132
01:24:23,626 --> 01:24:27,338
without knowing
that the woman I love...
2133
01:24:28,672 --> 01:24:30,339
...decided one night,
2134
01:24:30,341 --> 01:24:33,091
instead of staying at home
with her invalid husband,
2135
01:24:33,093 --> 01:24:35,054
she would rather fuck
a comedian.
2136
01:24:37,807 --> 01:24:40,599
I want to say...
2137
01:24:40,601 --> 01:24:42,645
it didn't mean anything...
2138
01:24:44,605 --> 01:24:47,731
...but it meant everything
because it hurt you.
2139
01:24:47,733 --> 01:24:49,485
Yes, it did.
2140
01:24:53,489 --> 01:24:55,697
I know.
2141
01:24:55,699 --> 01:24:58,242
The thing is...
(STIFLED SOB)
2142
01:24:58,244 --> 01:25:01,870
you can't just take away
one terrible thing you did
2143
01:25:01,872 --> 01:25:04,414
any more than you can take away
2144
01:25:04,416 --> 01:25:07,709
the million beautiful things
that we had together.
2145
01:25:07,711 --> 01:25:09,922
That's a million to one.
2146
01:25:11,340 --> 01:25:14,258
If you can live with that ratio
2147
01:25:14,260 --> 01:25:16,470
for another few years...
2148
01:25:18,430 --> 01:25:20,224
...then so can I.
2149
01:25:24,228 --> 01:25:26,272
♪ ♪
2150
01:25:27,606 --> 01:25:30,150
(KATHERINE CRYING)
2151
01:25:34,363 --> 01:25:37,197
(SIGHS)
2152
01:25:37,199 --> 01:25:39,032
But I'm not here
as your husband.
2153
01:25:39,034 --> 01:25:41,743
I'm here as a man
who has advised you
2154
01:25:41,745 --> 01:25:43,914
your entire adult life.
2155
01:25:44,999 --> 01:25:46,665
Are you sure that you're making
2156
01:25:46,667 --> 01:25:48,792
the right decision
about the show?
2157
01:25:48,794 --> 01:25:50,794
(SNIFFLES)
2158
01:25:50,796 --> 01:25:54,673
If it's over in one year
or ten years,
2159
01:25:54,675 --> 01:25:56,675
what's the difference?
2160
01:25:56,677 --> 01:25:58,677
It'll be over.
2161
01:25:58,679 --> 01:26:01,179
And what did I leave behind?
2162
01:26:01,181 --> 01:26:04,391
No... friends or children,
no...
2163
01:26:04,393 --> 01:26:05,767
You didn't want them.
2164
01:26:05,769 --> 01:26:07,561
You wanted excellence,
2165
01:26:07,563 --> 01:26:10,564
which almost no one gets
in their lifetime.
2166
01:26:10,566 --> 01:26:13,692
Just be sure you're ready
before you give it up.
2167
01:26:13,694 --> 01:26:16,488
I don't know
what to say to them.
2168
01:26:17,865 --> 01:26:19,364
(SOBS)
2169
01:26:19,366 --> 01:26:22,075
When the time comes, Katie,
2170
01:26:22,077 --> 01:26:24,121
you'll know.
2171
01:26:26,290 --> 01:26:29,209
(SNIFFLING, PANTING)
2172
01:26:49,396 --> 01:26:52,149
(TAKING DEEP BREATHS)
2173
01:26:55,736 --> 01:26:58,362
(BAND PLAYING SHOW THEME)
2174
01:26:58,364 --> 01:27:01,367
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
2175
01:27:10,793 --> 01:27:12,376
(MUSIC ENDS)
2176
01:27:12,378 --> 01:27:14,628
Thank you.
2177
01:27:14,630 --> 01:27:17,047
Thank you very much.
2178
01:27:17,049 --> 01:27:19,009
(SIGHS) Well...
2179
01:27:20,386 --> 01:27:22,928
What a boring few weeks
it's been.
2180
01:27:22,930 --> 01:27:25,722
- (LAUGHTER)
- Although...
2181
01:27:25,724 --> 01:27:27,516
it's kind of refreshing
2182
01:27:27,518 --> 01:27:29,393
for a woman
to be the perpetrator
2183
01:27:29,395 --> 01:27:32,270
in a Hollywood sex scandal
for once, isn't it?
2184
01:27:32,272 --> 01:27:34,064
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
2185
01:27:34,066 --> 01:27:37,150
I am, of course, referring
to the multiple reports
2186
01:27:37,152 --> 01:27:40,028
that came out this week,
2187
01:27:40,030 --> 01:27:44,116
saying that I had been
unfaithful to my husband
2188
01:27:44,118 --> 01:27:47,077
with one of my writers.
2189
01:27:47,079 --> 01:27:49,454
Spoiler alert:
2190
01:27:49,456 --> 01:27:51,289
It's true.
2191
01:27:51,291 --> 01:27:53,669
(MURMURING)
2192
01:28:01,051 --> 01:28:04,970
I've learned
an interesting term:
2193
01:28:04,972 --> 01:28:07,931
"slut-shaming."
2194
01:28:07,933 --> 01:28:11,768
My supporters have said
that if I were a man,
2195
01:28:11,770 --> 01:28:13,770
I wouldn't be subject
to this kind of scrutiny.
2196
01:28:13,772 --> 01:28:15,564
Well, here's what I think.
2197
01:28:15,566 --> 01:28:17,774
If it were a man doing this,
it would be reprehensible,
2198
01:28:17,776 --> 01:28:19,860
but guess what...
it's a woman doing it,
2199
01:28:19,862 --> 01:28:22,112
and it's still reprehensible.
2200
01:28:22,114 --> 01:28:26,116
And none of this
would even matter
2201
01:28:26,118 --> 01:28:28,452
if I were not so...
2202
01:28:28,454 --> 01:28:33,623
so hard on everyone,
with such high standards
2203
01:28:33,625 --> 01:28:38,005
that I've defined
my career by it.
2204
01:28:39,673 --> 01:28:43,218
Um, the fact of the matter
is that... (CLEARS THROAT)
2205
01:28:45,429 --> 01:28:47,054
...my husband is my family.
2206
01:28:47,056 --> 01:28:49,056
I...
2207
01:28:49,058 --> 01:28:52,811
have no one else in my life,
so...
2208
01:28:55,022 --> 01:28:56,730
...so when this happened,
2209
01:28:56,732 --> 01:28:58,732
I felt worse
than I have ever felt.
2210
01:28:58,734 --> 01:29:00,901
And I am clinically depressed,
so that's saying something.
2211
01:29:00,903 --> 01:29:02,027
(LIGHT LAUGHTER)
2212
01:29:02,029 --> 01:29:03,695
And I thought,
2213
01:29:03,697 --> 01:29:06,573
"I don't deserve
these things anymore.
2214
01:29:06,575 --> 01:29:08,742
Him or the show."
2215
01:29:08,744 --> 01:29:13,705
But it doesn't matter
if I deserve you or not.
2216
01:29:13,707 --> 01:29:15,332
I need you.
2217
01:29:15,334 --> 01:29:17,709
And I've let you down.
2218
01:29:17,711 --> 01:29:20,837
I've taken you for granted
for years,
2219
01:29:20,839 --> 01:29:22,214
underestimating you
2220
01:29:22,216 --> 01:29:24,426
and thinking
that you wouldn't notice.
2221
01:29:25,803 --> 01:29:27,803
But you did.
2222
01:29:27,805 --> 01:29:32,182
And the other thing
I've learned is that this show
2223
01:29:32,184 --> 01:29:34,476
is the source of my energy.
2224
01:29:34,478 --> 01:29:37,521
It's, um, the reason
I get up in the morning.
2225
01:29:37,523 --> 01:29:40,482
It's my life. It's my blood.
2226
01:29:40,484 --> 01:29:44,986
Yes, and entertaining you...
2227
01:29:44,988 --> 01:29:48,242
has been the joy of my life.
2228
01:29:50,452 --> 01:29:52,786
Yeah.
2229
01:29:52,788 --> 01:29:56,416
Dear God, I hope I've earned
the privilege of your time.
2230
01:30:01,672 --> 01:30:04,258
(CHEERING)
2231
01:30:16,186 --> 01:30:18,647
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CONTINUE OVER TV)
2232
01:30:20,983 --> 01:30:23,984
(KNOCKING, DOOR OPENS)
2233
01:30:23,986 --> 01:30:26,155
I hope I'm not interrupting.
2234
01:30:27,364 --> 01:30:29,364
You know,
I got into this business
2235
01:30:29,366 --> 01:30:31,408
because I love television,
2236
01:30:31,410 --> 01:30:34,161
and I want to make
relevant television.
2237
01:30:34,163 --> 01:30:36,079
And I know,
when I say "relevant,"
2238
01:30:36,081 --> 01:30:39,376
you think I mean "pandering" or
"lowest common denominator."
2239
01:30:40,669 --> 01:30:42,502
I've dreamed of this day.
2240
01:30:42,504 --> 01:30:44,588
- Caroline, please, I beg you...
- You've been so abrupt.
2241
01:30:44,590 --> 01:30:47,340
But as I watched you out there,
I realized
2242
01:30:47,342 --> 01:30:50,635
I want to hear your take...
on the world, on everything...
2243
01:30:50,637 --> 01:30:52,387
and so does everyone else.
2244
01:30:52,389 --> 01:30:54,764
So, the show is yours.
2245
01:30:54,766 --> 01:30:56,600
But I'm watching you,
Katherine.
2246
01:30:56,602 --> 01:30:58,353
Just give a damn.
2247
01:30:59,730 --> 01:31:03,192
It's pretty fucking surprising,
isn't it?
2248
01:31:05,235 --> 01:31:07,277
(ELECTRONIC CHIMING)
2249
01:31:07,279 --> 01:31:08,945
Hey, is this my Thai food?
2250
01:31:08,947 --> 01:31:10,572
I hope you brought
extra peanut sauce.
2251
01:31:10,574 --> 01:31:11,865
I hate when you forget.
2252
01:31:11,867 --> 01:31:13,408
MAN:
This isn't your Thai food.
2253
01:31:13,410 --> 01:31:15,035
This is Ms. Newbury's driver.
2254
01:31:15,037 --> 01:31:18,580
Ms. Newbury would like you
to come down to the car.
2255
01:31:18,582 --> 01:31:21,376
You can tell her that I don't
want to see her. Thank you.
2256
01:31:22,669 --> 01:31:25,754
She said what?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
2257
01:31:25,756 --> 01:31:27,883
(PASSING TRAIN RATTLING)
2258
01:31:31,803 --> 01:31:34,264
Come on.
2259
01:31:41,396 --> 01:31:43,980
("LIGHT ON" BY MAGGIE ROGERS
PLAYING)
2260
01:31:43,982 --> 01:31:46,316
♪ Would you believe me now ♪
2261
01:31:46,318 --> 01:31:48,985
♪ If I told you
I got caught up in a wave? ♪
2262
01:31:48,987 --> 01:31:50,862
(SIGHS):
Son of a bitch.
2263
01:31:50,864 --> 01:31:53,156
♪ Almost gave it away ♪
2264
01:31:53,158 --> 01:31:56,284
- ♪ Would you hear me out ♪
- (TOY SQUEAKS)
2265
01:31:56,286 --> 01:31:59,579
♪ If I told you
I was terrified for days? ♪
2266
01:31:59,581 --> 01:32:01,581
♪ Thought I was gonna break ♪
2267
01:32:01,583 --> 01:32:03,083
Good afternoon, sir.
2268
01:32:03,085 --> 01:32:05,252
♪ Oh, I couldn't stop it ♪
2269
01:32:05,254 --> 01:32:07,629
- ♪ Tried to slow it all down ♪
- Nice.
2270
01:32:07,631 --> 01:32:09,631
♪ With everyone around me ♪
2271
01:32:09,633 --> 01:32:11,549
♪ Saying, "You must be
so happy now" ♪
2272
01:32:11,551 --> 01:32:14,135
Oh, goddamn it.
2273
01:32:14,137 --> 01:32:16,513
- (PANTING)
- ♪ Keep reaching out
2274
01:32:16,515 --> 01:32:19,808
♪ Then I'll keep coming back,
and if you're gone for good ♪
2275
01:32:19,810 --> 01:32:21,726
(PANTING):
Oh, fucking hell.
2276
01:32:21,728 --> 01:32:24,271
- ♪ Then I'm okay with that... ♪
- (GROANING): Oh, God.
2277
01:32:24,273 --> 01:32:26,940
- (KNOCKING)
- Molly, open up. It's me.
2278
01:32:26,942 --> 01:32:28,817
MOLLY:
No.
2279
01:32:28,819 --> 01:32:30,527
I have just driven
2280
01:32:30,529 --> 01:32:32,779
to this horrid little corner
of Brooklyn
2281
01:32:32,781 --> 01:32:35,365
and climbed up six flights
of stairs to talk to you.
2282
01:32:35,367 --> 01:32:37,701
Now open the bloody door.
2283
01:32:37,703 --> 01:32:39,788
- (PANTING)
- (LOCKS CLICKING)
2284
01:32:42,165 --> 01:32:45,417
What do you want?
I-I'm very busy right now.
2285
01:32:45,419 --> 01:32:48,586
Why on earth do you live
in Coney Island?
2286
01:32:48,588 --> 01:32:49,921
Huh.
2287
01:32:49,923 --> 01:32:51,881
Maybe it's the Ukrainian
food scene,
2288
01:32:51,883 --> 01:32:54,342
or perhaps it's the endless
subway commute.
2289
01:32:54,344 --> 01:32:56,553
Not all of us can live
in a townhouse
2290
01:32:56,555 --> 01:32:59,139
- on Gramercy Park, Katherine.
- Point taken.
2291
01:32:59,141 --> 01:33:02,434
I heard you got an offer
from Seth Meyers.
2292
01:33:02,436 --> 01:33:05,895
- I don't think you should take it.
- (FAUCET RUNNING)
2293
01:33:05,897 --> 01:33:07,939
Really?
Because I was considering it.
2294
01:33:07,941 --> 01:33:10,275
Mostly because
I don't have a job.
2295
01:33:10,277 --> 01:33:13,153
Also, he didn't call me
a racial quota
2296
01:33:13,155 --> 01:33:15,155
whose existence was completely
inconsequential to him.
2297
01:33:15,157 --> 01:33:16,406
Here.
2298
01:33:16,408 --> 01:33:19,409
- You remember that. Shit.
- Yeah.
2299
01:33:19,411 --> 01:33:21,536
Look, I'm sorry.
2300
01:33:21,538 --> 01:33:24,039
I'm sorry.
2301
01:33:24,041 --> 01:33:26,791
The thing is,
when you hate yourself,
2302
01:33:26,793 --> 01:33:29,044
the only thing
that makes you feel better
2303
01:33:29,046 --> 01:33:32,422
is to get other people to feel
the same way as you do.
2304
01:33:32,424 --> 01:33:33,884
Is this filtered?
2305
01:33:37,137 --> 01:33:39,848
I didn't mean what I said.
2306
01:33:41,600 --> 01:33:43,600
Thank you...
2307
01:33:43,602 --> 01:33:45,602
for saying that...
2308
01:33:45,604 --> 01:33:47,604
and for coming here.
2309
01:33:47,606 --> 01:33:49,898
- Do you like the color of my wall?
- No.
2310
01:33:49,900 --> 01:33:52,442
You know what, I'm not gonna
go back and work for you,
2311
01:33:52,444 --> 01:33:54,571
because that was a very toxic
work environment.
2312
01:33:58,742 --> 01:34:00,700
(SIGHS)
2313
01:34:00,702 --> 01:34:02,662
I need you, Molly.
2314
01:34:04,122 --> 01:34:06,831
I need your pushiness
and lack of boundaries.
2315
01:34:06,833 --> 01:34:08,792
I need the annoying way
you light up
2316
01:34:08,794 --> 01:34:10,293
every time I walk
into the room.
2317
01:34:10,295 --> 01:34:12,712
It makes me feel
like I'm not a fraud.
2318
01:34:12,714 --> 01:34:14,716
But mostly, I need your talent.
2319
01:34:16,301 --> 01:34:18,176
You love me.
2320
01:34:18,178 --> 01:34:20,053
No, I didn't say that.
I... No.
2321
01:34:20,055 --> 01:34:21,679
I mean, not in those words,
but you...
2322
01:34:21,681 --> 01:34:23,264
No, I didn't say it
in any of those words.
2323
01:34:23,266 --> 01:34:25,308
But you have made
an impression on me.
2324
01:34:25,310 --> 01:34:26,518
A very big impression.
2325
01:34:26,520 --> 01:34:27,685
Please, Molly, come back.
2326
01:34:27,687 --> 01:34:29,312
It won't be the show you left,
2327
01:34:29,314 --> 01:34:32,234
but I need you
to help me change it.
2328
01:34:35,195 --> 01:34:37,570
- If I do...
- Hmm?
2329
01:34:37,572 --> 01:34:39,072
No more tantrums.
2330
01:34:39,074 --> 01:34:40,532
- Mm.
- No more hiring people
2331
01:34:40,534 --> 01:34:42,283
- who all look the same.
- Okay.
2332
01:34:42,285 --> 01:34:43,743
No humiliating people.
2333
01:34:43,745 --> 01:34:45,205
And no withering looks.
2334
01:34:46,206 --> 01:34:48,206
- Like that one.
- That's my face.
2335
01:34:48,208 --> 01:34:49,251
Can you try smiling?
2336
01:34:50,919 --> 01:34:52,168
- Okay, forget it, forget it.
- (SIGHS)
2337
01:34:52,170 --> 01:34:53,711
Okay. Yes.
2338
01:34:53,713 --> 01:34:54,879
Oh, yes?
2339
01:34:54,881 --> 01:34:57,215
Well, good.
2340
01:34:57,217 --> 01:34:59,676
Well, I guess I better go
if I want to get
2341
01:34:59,678 --> 01:35:01,928
to the bottom
of the stairs this century.
2342
01:35:01,930 --> 01:35:03,473
Thank you. All right.
2343
01:35:04,808 --> 01:35:07,058
(INHALES DEEPLY)
2344
01:35:07,060 --> 01:35:09,352
God, I hate Brooklyn.
2345
01:35:09,354 --> 01:35:12,564
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
2346
01:35:12,566 --> 01:35:13,815
♪ Everybody got a nine ♪
2347
01:35:13,817 --> 01:35:15,817
♪ Everybody is a bad boy now ♪
2348
01:35:15,819 --> 01:35:18,153
♪ Everybody wanna shine ♪
2349
01:35:18,155 --> 01:35:19,779
♪ Everybody,
drink your champagne now ♪
2350
01:35:19,781 --> 01:35:21,406
♪ Everybody is the shit ♪
2351
01:35:21,408 --> 01:35:23,199
♪ Everybody is
the big thing now ♪
2352
01:35:23,201 --> 01:35:24,951
♪ Everybody is the boss ♪
2353
01:35:24,953 --> 01:35:26,911
♪ Everybody rocking
gold chains now ♪
2354
01:35:26,913 --> 01:35:29,998
♪ Ain't nobody wanna work,
ain't nobody wanna open up ♪
2355
01:35:30,000 --> 01:35:32,292
- Thank you.
- ♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪
2356
01:35:32,294 --> 01:35:34,043
♪ Ain't nobody wanna
wrap shit up ♪
2357
01:35:34,045 --> 01:35:36,129
- ♪ Ain't nobody wanna fail ♪ - Hey.
- Hi.
2358
01:35:36,131 --> 01:35:38,089
♪ Ain't nobody
do it real these days ♪
2359
01:35:38,091 --> 01:35:39,674
♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪
2360
01:35:39,676 --> 01:35:41,801
♪ Ain't nobody ever go my way ♪
2361
01:35:41,803 --> 01:35:45,388
- ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
2362
01:35:45,390 --> 01:35:48,766
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2363
01:35:48,768 --> 01:35:52,228
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
2364
01:35:52,230 --> 01:35:55,940
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2365
01:35:55,942 --> 01:35:57,609
Okay.
2366
01:35:57,611 --> 01:36:00,153
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
2367
01:36:00,155 --> 01:36:03,573
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2368
01:36:03,575 --> 01:36:07,368
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
2369
01:36:07,370 --> 01:36:11,080
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2370
01:36:11,082 --> 01:36:13,418
♪ Ain't nobody wanna work ♪
2371
01:36:14,628 --> 01:36:17,005
♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪
2372
01:36:18,423 --> 01:36:20,800
♪ Ain't nobody wanna fail ♪
2373
01:36:22,177 --> 01:36:24,344
♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪
2374
01:36:24,346 --> 01:36:26,721
(INDISTINCT CHATTER, CHUCKLING)
2375
01:36:26,723 --> 01:36:29,474
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪
2376
01:36:29,476 --> 01:36:33,311
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
2377
01:36:33,313 --> 01:36:38,399
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh. ♪
2378
01:36:38,401 --> 01:36:39,817
(BAND PLAYING SHOW THEME)
2379
01:36:39,819 --> 01:36:41,528
ANNOUNCER:
Katherine Newbury.
2380
01:36:41,530 --> 01:36:43,823
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
2381
01:36:54,879 --> 01:36:56,459
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
2382
01:36:56,461 --> 01:37:00,922
♪ Don't let the negative
ever get in your way ♪
2383
01:37:00,924 --> 01:37:03,675
♪ Don't let it
mess up your life ♪
2384
01:37:03,677 --> 01:37:06,928
♪ Don't let it fuck up
your day ♪
2385
01:37:06,930 --> 01:37:11,224
♪ Don't let the shit they do
get in under your skin ♪
2386
01:37:11,226 --> 01:37:13,810
♪ Gotta push it aside ♪
2387
01:37:13,812 --> 01:37:17,230
♪ And keep pushing ahead ♪
2388
01:37:17,232 --> 01:37:20,775
♪ Ooh, when this life
knocks you on your ass ♪
2389
01:37:20,777 --> 01:37:24,654
♪ Keep up,
just keep coming back ♪
2390
01:37:24,656 --> 01:37:26,656
♪ Don't let it get you down ♪
2391
01:37:26,658 --> 01:37:28,283
♪ Gotta get going ♪
2392
01:37:28,285 --> 01:37:30,827
♪ Keep moving
in forward motion ♪
2393
01:37:30,829 --> 01:37:34,872
♪ Keep moving in
forward motion ♪
2394
01:37:34,874 --> 01:37:37,375
♪ Don't let nothing
ever slow you down ♪
2395
01:37:37,377 --> 01:37:38,876
♪ Keep on ♪
2396
01:37:38,878 --> 01:37:41,170
♪ Hit the gas,
get your speed on ♪
2397
01:37:41,172 --> 01:37:45,049
♪ Never look back, no reason ♪
2398
01:37:45,051 --> 01:37:47,635
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪
2399
01:37:47,637 --> 01:37:51,222
♪ Stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪
2400
01:37:51,224 --> 01:37:53,808
♪ Stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪
2401
01:37:53,810 --> 01:37:55,393
♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪
2402
01:37:55,395 --> 01:37:57,395
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪
2403
01:37:57,397 --> 01:38:01,357
♪ Don't let the darkness get
in the way of your light ♪
2404
01:38:01,359 --> 01:38:04,319
♪ Don't let it mess
with your head ♪
2405
01:38:04,321 --> 01:38:07,405
♪ Don't let it
shut off your shine ♪
2406
01:38:07,407 --> 01:38:09,073
♪ You're on the fast track ♪
2407
01:38:09,075 --> 01:38:11,701
♪ hey're just stuck in reverse ♪
2408
01:38:11,703 --> 01:38:14,495
♪ Leave 'em under your wheels ♪
2409
01:38:14,497 --> 01:38:17,707
♪ Kick 'em all to the curb ♪
2410
01:38:17,709 --> 01:38:21,294
♪ Ooh, when this life
knocks you on your ass ♪
2411
01:38:21,296 --> 01:38:25,048
♪ Get up,
just keep coming back ♪
2412
01:38:25,050 --> 01:38:27,342
♪ Don't let it keep you down ♪
2413
01:38:27,344 --> 01:38:29,010
♪ Gotta keep going ♪
2414
01:38:29,012 --> 01:38:31,554
♪ Keep moving
in forward motion ♪
2415
01:38:31,556 --> 01:38:35,558
♪ Keep moving in
forward motion ♪
2416
01:38:35,560 --> 01:38:37,894
♪ Don't let nothing
ever slow you down ♪
2417
01:38:37,896 --> 01:38:39,395
♪ Keep on ♪
2418
01:38:39,397 --> 01:38:42,023
♪ Hit the gas,
get your speed on ♪
2419
01:38:42,025 --> 01:38:45,610
♪ Never look back, no reason ♪
2420
01:38:45,612 --> 01:38:48,154
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪
2421
01:38:48,156 --> 01:38:51,824
♪ Stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪
2422
01:38:51,826 --> 01:38:54,327
♪ Stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪
2423
01:38:54,329 --> 01:38:55,870
♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪
2424
01:38:55,872 --> 01:38:57,747
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪
2425
01:38:57,749 --> 01:39:00,166
♪ So any time the drama comes ♪
2426
01:39:00,168 --> 01:39:02,710
♪ Don't let it get
anywhere near you ♪
2427
01:39:02,712 --> 01:39:05,296
♪ Just go and leave it
in the dust ♪
2428
01:39:05,298 --> 01:39:07,799
♪ Just disappearing
in the rearview ♪
2429
01:39:07,801 --> 01:39:10,677
♪ You're on a ride
that's just beginning ♪
2430
01:39:10,679 --> 01:39:13,346
♪ No, you got no limits ♪
2431
01:39:13,348 --> 01:39:15,765
♪ Oh, so just go with it ♪
2432
01:39:15,767 --> 01:39:17,850
♪ Don't let it get you down ♪
2433
01:39:17,852 --> 01:39:20,019
♪ Gotta keep going ♪
2434
01:39:20,021 --> 01:39:22,188
♪ Going, going ♪
2435
01:39:22,190 --> 01:39:24,524
♪ Gotta keep going ♪
2436
01:39:24,526 --> 01:39:27,694
♪ Going, going, going ♪
2437
01:39:27,696 --> 01:39:29,654
♪ Gotta keep going ♪
2438
01:39:29,656 --> 01:39:32,031
♪ Keep moving
in forward motion ♪
2439
01:39:32,033 --> 01:39:34,283
♪ Keep moving in
forward motion ♪
2440
01:39:34,285 --> 01:39:36,202
♪ Keep moving in forward ♪
2441
01:39:36,204 --> 01:39:38,705
♪ Don't let nothing
ever slow you down ♪
2442
01:39:38,707 --> 01:39:40,206
♪ Keep on ♪
2443
01:39:40,208 --> 01:39:42,542
♪ Hit the gas,
get your speed on ♪
2444
01:39:42,544 --> 01:39:46,170
♪ Never look back, no reason ♪
2445
01:39:46,172 --> 01:39:48,256
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪
2446
01:39:48,258 --> 01:39:49,882
♪ Gotta keep going ♪
2447
01:39:49,884 --> 01:39:52,135
♪ Keep moving
in forward motion ♪
2448
01:39:52,137 --> 01:39:54,887
♪ Keep moving in
forward motion ♪
2449
01:39:54,889 --> 01:39:56,514
♪ Yeah ♪
2450
01:39:56,516 --> 01:39:58,891
♪ Don't let nothing
ever slow you down ♪
2451
01:39:58,893 --> 01:40:00,393
♪ Keep on ♪
2452
01:40:00,395 --> 01:40:02,770
♪ Hit the gas,
get your speed on ♪
2453
01:40:02,772 --> 01:40:06,482
♪ Never look back, no reason ♪
2454
01:40:06,484 --> 01:40:09,152
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪
2455
01:40:09,154 --> 01:40:12,739
♪ Stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪
2456
01:40:12,741 --> 01:40:15,241
♪ Stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪
2457
01:40:15,243 --> 01:40:16,784
♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪
2458
01:40:16,786 --> 01:40:19,120
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪
2459
01:40:19,122 --> 01:40:22,915
♪ Stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪
2460
01:40:22,917 --> 01:40:25,293
♪ Stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪
2461
01:40:25,295 --> 01:40:26,836
♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪
2462
01:40:26,838 --> 01:40:30,131
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now. ♪
2463
01:40:30,133 --> 01:40:32,177
♪ ♪
2464
01:41:02,165 --> 01:41:04,209
♪ ♪
2465
01:41:34,197 --> 01:41:36,241
♪ ♪
2466
01:41:51,214 --> 01:41:53,258
(MUSIC ENDS)
185191
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