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1
00:00:02,271 --> 00:00:04,139
Hey. I just passed Luna bar.
2
00:00:04,173 --> 00:00:06,141
There is a line
outside the door.
3
00:00:06,175 --> 00:00:07,976
Man, ever since
they got this great review
4
00:00:08,010 --> 00:00:10,011
in the Pittsburgh Reader,
they've been packed.
5
00:00:10,046 --> 00:00:11,479
We need to get
in that magazine.
6
00:00:11,514 --> 00:00:13,982
Forget it.
They want hip and trendy.
7
00:00:14,016 --> 00:00:15,216
That's not us.
8
00:00:15,218 --> 00:00:17,178
I disagree.
We're young and hip.
9
00:00:17,186 --> 00:00:19,754
Is this mole changing shape?
10
00:00:19,789 --> 00:00:20,922
I thought it was the other arm.
11
00:00:20,957 --> 00:00:23,325
Oh, crap.
You're right.
12
00:00:23,359 --> 00:00:25,427
We're getting in that magazine.
13
00:00:25,461 --> 00:00:27,762
I'm just so tired of getting by
14
00:00:27,797 --> 00:00:29,064
and living
month-to-month.
15
00:00:29,098 --> 00:00:30,365
You know, I want to get
ahead of the game.
16
00:00:30,399 --> 00:00:31,967
I want some security.
17
00:00:32,001 --> 00:00:33,835
I need this bar
to be a success.
18
00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:34,970
You know what would be perfect?
19
00:00:35,004 --> 00:00:36,271
If we invited Patrick Ledirk
20
00:00:36,305 --> 00:00:37,305
to the open-mike night.
21
00:00:37,340 --> 00:00:38,907
That's a fantastic idea.
22
00:00:38,941 --> 00:00:41,176
Who the hell is Patrick Ledirk?
23
00:00:41,210 --> 00:00:43,311
He writes the bar reviews
for the Pittsburgh Reader.
24
00:00:43,346 --> 00:00:45,013
He loves live entertainment.
25
00:00:45,047 --> 00:00:47,115
I'll just line up some great
acts that will blow him away.
26
00:00:47,149 --> 00:00:49,050
If all that fails, we'll do it
the old-fashioned way.
27
00:00:49,085 --> 00:00:52,053
We'll get him drunk off his ass,
take compromising photos.
28
00:00:52,088 --> 00:00:54,823
Next thing you know,
we're in the magazine.
29
00:00:54,857 --> 00:00:56,524
I got your first act
right here.
30
00:00:56,559 --> 00:00:58,260
I busted out the old magic kit.
31
00:00:58,294 --> 00:00:59,461
You do magic?
32
00:00:59,495 --> 00:01:01,162
Oh, yeah.
I was big back in the day.
33
00:01:01,197 --> 00:01:04,399
I used to play to sold-out
crowds at Radio city.
34
00:01:04,433 --> 00:01:05,967
- In New York?
- No, no.
35
00:01:06,002 --> 00:01:08,303
The electronics store
next to the Sunoco station.
36
00:01:09,772 --> 00:01:11,406
So that's what,
a sell-out crowd of 15 people?
37
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:12,841
[Chuckles]
38
00:01:12,875 --> 00:01:14,042
You know, I didn't quite
hear you, Roy.
39
00:01:14,076 --> 00:01:15,944
Seems like
I've got something, uh...
40
00:01:15,978 --> 00:01:18,013
But what the hell
was that in my ear?
41
00:01:18,047 --> 00:01:19,781
- Wow!
- Wow!
42
00:01:19,815 --> 00:01:21,016
You're like the clown
43
00:01:21,050 --> 00:01:22,317
that performed
at my 8th birthday party
44
00:01:22,351 --> 00:01:24,286
and then moved in with
us for two months.
45
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:27,188
You know, Owen, I can't understand
you with your mouth full.
46
00:01:29,191 --> 00:01:31,226
Whoa!
47
00:01:31,260 --> 00:01:33,260
I don't even remember
eating that!
48
00:01:33,262 --> 00:01:35,063
Hank, you're in.
49
00:01:35,097 --> 00:01:37,432
Am I your star?
Your bright, shining star?
50
00:01:37,466 --> 00:01:39,386
If you can stay up that late.
51
00:01:40,069 --> 00:01:41,903
I thought you were looking
for hip and trendy,
52
00:01:41,938 --> 00:01:44,940
unless you meant
replacement hip and trendy.
53
00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:46,841
Dad.
Dad, think about it.
54
00:01:46,876 --> 00:01:49,177
We're retro.
We're so old, we're new.
55
00:01:49,211 --> 00:01:51,079
And how many places
still reek of cigarettes
56
00:01:51,113 --> 00:01:53,982
six years after
they banned smoking?
57
00:01:54,016 --> 00:01:56,952
Hey, does anybody else
have a talent besides Hank?
58
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:58,853
I can make a ham.
59
00:01:58,888 --> 00:02:00,322
On stage?
60
00:02:00,356 --> 00:02:01,423
Yeah.
Are you kidding me?
61
00:02:01,457 --> 00:02:03,124
People beg me for the recipe.
62
00:02:03,159 --> 00:02:04,326
I don't know.
How long does that take?
63
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,261
About three hours.
64
00:02:06,295 --> 00:02:08,430
I don't know that people are gonna
sit that long and watch you cook.
65
00:02:08,464 --> 00:02:10,464
Well, I'm not
compromising my ham.
66
00:02:11,434 --> 00:02:13,101
[Sarcastically] Oh, no.
67
00:02:13,135 --> 00:02:14,736
What are we gonna do without
Roy's three-hour ham act?
68
00:02:14,770 --> 00:02:16,738
You laugh now.
69
00:02:16,772 --> 00:02:19,174
But you'll be begging
for my meat.
70
00:02:21,654 --> 00:02:24,654
sync and corrections by bellows
www.addic7ed.com
71
00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:28,483
♪ Da da da da,
da da da, da, da da ♪
72
00:02:28,517 --> 00:02:32,821
♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪
73
00:02:32,855 --> 00:02:36,925
♪ da da da da,
da da da, da da da ♪
74
00:02:36,959 --> 00:02:42,497
♪ da da da da, da da da,
da da da, da da da, hey! ♪
75
00:02:42,531 --> 00:02:45,767
Hey, guys.
Look what I won at work.
76
00:02:45,801 --> 00:02:48,036
"Accountant of the year."
Congrats!
77
00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:49,771
Hey!
Way to go, hon!
78
00:02:49,805 --> 00:02:51,272
I'm gonna go show mom.
79
00:02:51,307 --> 00:02:53,108
Whoa. You're never
gonna get her approval.
80
00:02:53,142 --> 00:02:54,843
I know that.
81
00:02:54,877 --> 00:02:56,945
But I'm feeling so good today
that even she can't get to me.
82
00:02:56,979 --> 00:02:58,213
And whatever she gives,
83
00:02:58,247 --> 00:02:59,547
I'm gonna give it
right back to her.
84
00:02:59,582 --> 00:03:03,251
Well, my money's on her,
but I'm rooting for you.
85
00:03:03,285 --> 00:03:05,453
Hey, mom.
Look at this award I won.
86
00:03:05,488 --> 00:03:06,988
Oh.
[Chuckles]
87
00:03:07,023 --> 00:03:09,724
Plywood and plastic.
88
00:03:09,759 --> 00:03:11,993
Real awards are made of gold
89
00:03:12,028 --> 00:03:14,429
or the skulls of your enemies.
90
00:03:16,899 --> 00:03:18,366
[As Ok Cha]
Real awards are made
91
00:03:18,401 --> 00:03:20,001
from the skulls
of your enemies.
92
00:03:20,036 --> 00:03:22,237
[Laughter]
93
00:03:22,271 --> 00:03:23,772
That's totally your mom!
94
00:03:23,806 --> 00:03:26,274
You imitating me?
95
00:03:26,308 --> 00:03:28,076
You imitating me?
96
00:03:28,110 --> 00:03:30,178
[Laughter]
97
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:35,016
I don't walk like that.
98
00:03:35,051 --> 00:03:37,218
Pay your bar tabs now
99
00:03:37,253 --> 00:03:40,422
or I break your windpipe
with my pinky.
100
00:03:40,456 --> 00:03:42,023
[Laughter]
101
00:03:42,058 --> 00:03:43,425
It's dead-on!
102
00:03:43,459 --> 00:03:44,926
It's really good.
103
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:47,495
And I'm gonna miss you.
104
00:03:47,530 --> 00:03:49,230
You think this is funny?
105
00:03:49,265 --> 00:03:51,232
Well, it's not funny funny.
106
00:03:51,267 --> 00:03:53,034
Why are we out of olives?
107
00:03:53,069 --> 00:03:55,770
Don't encourage my daughter.
108
00:03:55,805 --> 00:03:57,839
- Stop that.
- You stop that.
109
00:03:57,873 --> 00:03:59,941
- I'm warning you.
- I'm warning you.
110
00:03:59,975 --> 00:04:01,309
- Silence!
- Silence!
111
00:04:01,343 --> 00:04:02,510
[Laughter]
112
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,347
It looks like things
are going pretty well
113
00:04:06,382 --> 00:04:07,348
for you and Nicolette.
114
00:04:07,383 --> 00:04:08,817
It's insane.
115
00:04:08,851 --> 00:04:09,851
We can't keep our hands
off each other.
116
00:04:09,885 --> 00:04:11,252
She's very pretty.
117
00:04:11,287 --> 00:04:13,287
I have never been on a streak
like this in my life.
118
00:04:13,289 --> 00:04:14,923
All we do is have sex.
119
00:04:14,957 --> 00:04:16,257
Sex and then more sex.
120
00:04:16,292 --> 00:04:17,392
And you know what
we do after that?
121
00:04:17,426 --> 00:04:18,460
Sex.
122
00:04:18,494 --> 00:04:21,196
No.
We eat sandwiches.
123
00:04:21,230 --> 00:04:23,998
God, Steve, you have
such a one-track mind.
124
00:04:24,033 --> 00:04:25,767
Yeah, I'm a sick puppy.
125
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:27,469
Hey, did you hear
the great news?
126
00:04:27,503 --> 00:04:30,138
My mom and I have an act
for your open-Mike night.
127
00:04:30,172 --> 00:04:31,506
Well, uh,
I don't know about that, Owen.
128
00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:32,907
This is a huge night for me.
129
00:04:32,942 --> 00:04:34,075
Be... besides,
we're going with acts
130
00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,176
that are a little more retro.
131
00:04:35,211 --> 00:04:36,377
Then this is perfect.
132
00:04:36,412 --> 00:04:37,879
We pay tribute
to American cinema
133
00:04:37,913 --> 00:04:40,081
by re-creating
classic movie scenes.
134
00:04:40,116 --> 00:04:42,250
You want to make
some movie magic?
135
00:04:42,284 --> 00:04:43,818
You know it.
136
00:04:43,853 --> 00:04:45,887
And...
137
00:04:45,921 --> 00:04:47,222
Action!
138
00:04:47,256 --> 00:04:53,928
♪ Oh, my love... ♪
139
00:04:53,963 --> 00:04:56,363
Oh, God, I hope this isn't going
where I think it's going.
140
00:04:57,867 --> 00:05:00,034
Oh, it's going.
141
00:05:00,069 --> 00:05:05,240
♪ Lo-o-o-o-o-ve ♪
142
00:05:06,275 --> 00:05:13,181
♪ I need your love ♪
143
00:05:13,215 --> 00:05:17,051
♪ I, I need ♪
144
00:05:17,086 --> 00:05:18,419
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
145
00:05:18,454 --> 00:05:20,054
Owen:
Nailed it, right?
146
00:05:20,089 --> 00:05:22,449
No, actually, I stopped it
before the nailing part.
147
00:05:23,392 --> 00:05:26,728
It looked like you were
gonna... do it with your mom.
148
00:05:26,762 --> 00:05:27,862
That's impossible.
149
00:05:27,897 --> 00:05:28,997
I'm a ghost.
150
00:05:29,031 --> 00:05:30,999
I can't even touch her.
151
00:05:31,033 --> 00:05:32,867
I feel sorry for you, Steve.
152
00:05:32,902 --> 00:05:34,769
You have no imagination.
153
00:05:34,803 --> 00:05:37,163
Anyone else
would have loved it.
154
00:05:37,806 --> 00:05:40,441
Wow, babe.
You look blown away.
155
00:05:40,476 --> 00:05:42,076
I am.
156
00:05:42,111 --> 00:05:43,811
Yeah, it was really strange
watching you and your mom
157
00:05:43,846 --> 00:05:45,313
do that stuff together
with the clay.
158
00:05:45,347 --> 00:05:46,781
It's called
"chemistry."
159
00:05:46,815 --> 00:05:47,916
It's called "weird."
160
00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:50,070
It's called
"punishable by law."
161
00:05:51,053 --> 00:05:52,320
I have to tell you something.
162
00:05:52,354 --> 00:05:54,389
Watching that
was really a turn-off.
163
00:05:54,423 --> 00:05:56,758
You mean like, turn off
the lights, and let's have sex?
164
00:05:56,792 --> 00:05:59,194
No. Like turn on the lights
and call me a cab.
165
00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,828
And then we have sex
in the cab.
166
00:06:00,863 --> 00:06:02,764
No.
No sex... period.
167
00:06:02,798 --> 00:06:04,966
Right now, I don't want
to go anywhere near you.
168
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,735
My mom and I won't do
the movie stuff anymore.
169
00:06:07,770 --> 00:06:09,103
I'll talk to her, okay?
170
00:06:09,138 --> 00:06:10,438
That's a good start.
171
00:06:10,472 --> 00:06:13,007
Madam, I am now going
to help you forget
172
00:06:13,042 --> 00:06:14,742
everything
that you've just seen.
173
00:06:14,777 --> 00:06:18,046
When I clap my hands,
you will go into a deep sleep.
174
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,282
One, two, three.
175
00:06:21,317 --> 00:06:22,951
[Claps hands]
176
00:06:26,822 --> 00:06:28,356
Holy shit!
It works!
177
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,134
Hank, what are you doing?
That's, uh, 25-year-old scotch.
178
00:06:37,169 --> 00:06:41,539
Oh, just a little something
from back in the day.
179
00:06:42,274 --> 00:06:45,276
Now, as you can see,
this is a solid-oak bar.
180
00:06:46,845 --> 00:06:47,945
Whoa.
181
00:06:47,980 --> 00:06:49,714
[Chuckling] That's amazing!
182
00:06:49,748 --> 00:06:51,182
Hank, you are my star.
183
00:06:51,216 --> 00:06:52,249
You're leading off the night.
184
00:06:52,284 --> 00:06:54,185
As it should be.
185
00:06:54,219 --> 00:06:55,987
Hank, I need the scotch back.
186
00:06:56,021 --> 00:06:58,255
Uh, I never learned
the "bringing it back" part.
187
00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:00,458
[Cellphone chimes]
188
00:07:00,492 --> 00:07:02,727
Oh, God.
It's my wife.
189
00:07:02,761 --> 00:07:04,128
She wants me
to bring home tampons.
190
00:07:04,162 --> 00:07:06,764
Hey, Hank,
can you make her disappear?
191
00:07:06,798 --> 00:07:09,567
No, no.
I'm more of a showman.
192
00:07:13,639 --> 00:07:15,806
You know what the act
could really use
193
00:07:15,841 --> 00:07:17,608
is a pretty assistant.
194
00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:19,010
Someone to complement my act
195
00:07:19,044 --> 00:07:22,213
with charm,
sophistication, tits.
196
00:07:22,247 --> 00:07:23,648
Hey, guys.
197
00:07:23,682 --> 00:07:24,949
Steve:
Hey. Melanie!
198
00:07:24,983 --> 00:07:26,083
You know,
Hank's looking for an assistant
199
00:07:26,118 --> 00:07:27,652
for his magic act.
200
00:07:27,686 --> 00:07:29,620
How'd you like to get
into show business, kid?
201
00:07:29,655 --> 00:07:31,622
You'd really class up the act.
202
00:07:31,657 --> 00:07:33,824
Thanks, Hank.
Sure. I'll do it.
203
00:07:33,859 --> 00:07:36,100
Well, here's your costume.
204
00:07:36,828 --> 00:07:37,962
I am not wearing that.
205
00:07:37,996 --> 00:07:39,897
Okay.
I understand.
206
00:07:39,931 --> 00:07:42,166
It's just that the last person
to wear this
207
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,534
was my departed wife.
208
00:07:43,568 --> 00:07:44,902
I had always hoped
that someday,
209
00:07:44,936 --> 00:07:47,038
I'd see another
pretty woman in it.
210
00:07:47,072 --> 00:07:48,839
[Sniffles] It's okay.
211
00:07:48,874 --> 00:07:50,808
Her memory doesn't need
to be honored.
212
00:07:50,842 --> 00:07:53,644
Aw, Hank,
uh, of course I'll do it.
213
00:07:53,679 --> 00:07:54,745
Okay!
214
00:07:56,248 --> 00:07:58,883
Hank, your wife never wore
that outfit, did she?
215
00:07:58,917 --> 00:08:00,751
If you ever want to see
your expensive scotch again,
216
00:08:00,786 --> 00:08:03,186
you'll mind your own business.
217
00:08:04,056 --> 00:08:05,723
Hey, Steve, Roy and I decided
218
00:08:05,757 --> 00:08:07,124
what we're going to do
for open-mike night.
219
00:08:07,159 --> 00:08:08,492
Bobo belinski.
220
00:08:08,527 --> 00:08:09,593
No.
221
00:08:09,628 --> 00:08:11,028
Come on.
It's a crowd pleaser.
222
00:08:11,063 --> 00:08:12,897
Yeah, when we were 12
and you did it at camp.
223
00:08:12,931 --> 00:08:15,132
Yeah, how do you think
I got to feel up Grace Daniels?
224
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:17,201
The camp nurse?
She was 62.
225
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,603
Hey, a kill's a kill.
226
00:08:19,638 --> 00:08:22,139
Come on.
Let us do bobo belinski.
227
00:08:22,174 --> 00:08:24,008
It's retro and trendy.
228
00:08:24,042 --> 00:08:26,610
Fine. I'll sign you up.
I left the list upstairs.
229
00:08:26,645 --> 00:08:28,646
Steve, the list is right there.
That's a different list.
230
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:29,960
It says "open-mike
sign up list."
231
00:08:29,981 --> 00:08:31,749
Oh, there it is.
Yeah. I'll sign you up.
232
00:08:31,783 --> 00:08:32,783
I'll see you guys Sunday.
233
00:08:32,818 --> 00:08:33,984
Steve, open-mike's tonight.
234
00:08:34,019 --> 00:08:35,486
Tonight.
I'll see you guys at 11:00.
235
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:37,440
It starts at 8:00.
Right. 8:00. Of course.
236
00:08:38,557 --> 00:08:39,757
Hey, mom?
237
00:08:39,791 --> 00:08:40,825
Yeah, sweetie.
238
00:08:40,859 --> 00:08:42,259
I need to tell you something,
239
00:08:42,294 --> 00:08:43,894
but I don't know
how you're gonna react.
240
00:08:43,929 --> 00:08:46,897
I'm on a total sex bender
with Nicolette.
241
00:08:46,932 --> 00:08:49,633
Oh, that's my favorite
kind of bender.
242
00:08:49,668 --> 00:08:51,635
When Nicolette saw us
do our "ghost" thing,
243
00:08:51,670 --> 00:08:53,504
she didn't like it.
244
00:08:53,538 --> 00:08:55,172
It's gonna kill my run.
245
00:08:55,207 --> 00:08:57,541
If we perform,
I don't get to perform.
246
00:08:57,576 --> 00:08:58,876
Case closed.
247
00:08:58,910 --> 00:09:02,680
You go home
and hit that like a piñata!
248
00:09:02,714 --> 00:09:04,749
Yes, ma'am.
249
00:09:04,783 --> 00:09:07,451
Hey, I got another one.
250
00:09:07,486 --> 00:09:09,987
What's the difference
between Godzilla and mom?
251
00:09:10,021 --> 00:09:13,691
Godzilla has less teeth
and still speaks better English.
252
00:09:13,725 --> 00:09:15,459
[Laughter]
253
00:09:15,494 --> 00:09:17,628
Wow. I've never seen
this side of you, Susan.
254
00:09:17,662 --> 00:09:19,063
You're really funny.
255
00:09:19,097 --> 00:09:20,598
Hey. You know, you should
do open-mike night.
256
00:09:20,632 --> 00:09:22,133
Really?
257
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:23,234
You'd really be helping me out.
258
00:09:23,268 --> 00:09:24,802
People love comedy.
259
00:09:24,836 --> 00:09:27,004
You could help me
really make this a big hit.
260
00:09:27,038 --> 00:09:28,739
Then I'd love to!
261
00:09:28,774 --> 00:09:30,608
Great. I'll sign you up.
[Chuckles]
262
00:09:30,642 --> 00:09:33,477
Yeah. For her,
you'll find the list.
263
00:09:33,512 --> 00:09:34,979
You're doing comedy?
264
00:09:35,013 --> 00:09:36,614
That's right, mom.
265
00:09:36,648 --> 00:09:37,648
Really?
266
00:09:37,682 --> 00:09:39,150
What's your act about?
267
00:09:39,184 --> 00:09:40,618
Here's a hint.
268
00:09:40,652 --> 00:09:46,023
[As Ok Cha]
It's not about my father.
269
00:09:46,057 --> 00:09:50,927
Why did I move to a country
that allows more than one child?
270
00:09:58,736 --> 00:09:59,903
You done good Steve. Place is buzzing.
We got a packed house.
271
00:09:59,937 --> 00:10:01,238
I know, and if we
get a good review,
272
00:10:01,272 --> 00:10:03,206
it's gonna be like this
every night.
273
00:10:03,241 --> 00:10:04,908
The guy from the Pittsburgh
Reader's here...
274
00:10:04,942 --> 00:10:06,243
Patrick Ledirk.
275
00:10:06,277 --> 00:10:07,511
Fantastic.
276
00:10:07,545 --> 00:10:09,646
Hey, Patrick,
welcome to Sullivan & son.
277
00:10:09,681 --> 00:10:11,882
I got a V.I.P. table
for you right over here.
278
00:10:11,916 --> 00:10:13,617
I assume you don't
have free wi-fi,
279
00:10:13,651 --> 00:10:15,752
but please tell me you have
somewhere I can plug in my car.
280
00:10:15,787 --> 00:10:17,888
We do have wi-fi. The network
name is "Starbucks."
281
00:10:17,922 --> 00:10:19,523
Can I get you
something to drink?
282
00:10:19,557 --> 00:10:21,458
Uh, I'll take
a gluten-free beer
283
00:10:21,492 --> 00:10:23,660
in a kosher glass
with locally-sourced ice.
284
00:10:23,695 --> 00:10:25,762
Wow, this guy is hip.
285
00:10:25,797 --> 00:10:27,698
Wow.
That was amazing.
286
00:10:27,732 --> 00:10:28,965
I know.
287
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,367
Usually when I have sex
in the bathroom,
288
00:10:30,401 --> 00:10:31,968
I'm by myself.
289
00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:33,603
I'd drag you
right back in there,
290
00:10:33,638 --> 00:10:34,971
but my brother's gonna
be here any minute.
291
00:10:35,006 --> 00:10:36,907
I can't wait to meet him.
292
00:10:36,941 --> 00:10:38,375
Oh, this is so bittersweet.
293
00:10:38,409 --> 00:10:40,010
I mean, I'm thrilled
294
00:10:40,044 --> 00:10:43,447
that he's having sex
in bathroom stalls.
295
00:10:43,481 --> 00:10:46,917
I'm just crushed that we can't
do our act together.
296
00:10:46,951 --> 00:10:49,653
Maybe this can help.
297
00:10:50,588 --> 00:10:52,622
Oops. That was
supposed to be flowers.
298
00:10:52,657 --> 00:10:54,658
[Chuckles]
299
00:10:54,692 --> 00:10:55,859
Hey, sis.
300
00:10:55,893 --> 00:10:57,427
Eric! Oh!
301
00:10:57,462 --> 00:10:59,596
And you must be
"the big o."
302
00:10:59,630 --> 00:11:00,697
I am.
303
00:11:00,732 --> 00:11:01,865
It's nice to finally meet you,
304
00:11:01,899 --> 00:11:04,140
slammin' hot
girlfriend's brother.
305
00:11:04,602 --> 00:11:06,370
So, Owen,
I hear you and my sister
306
00:11:06,404 --> 00:11:08,338
are having a really
good time together.
307
00:11:08,373 --> 00:11:10,207
Yeah, we are.
308
00:11:10,241 --> 00:11:11,808
And the seven orgasms
you gave her the other night?
309
00:11:11,843 --> 00:11:13,310
That's a record!
310
00:11:13,344 --> 00:11:15,784
- Sorry?
- Don't be. You're a stud.
311
00:11:17,915 --> 00:11:19,349
Wait a minute.
312
00:11:19,384 --> 00:11:21,251
You guys talk about
all the sex stuff we do?
313
00:11:21,285 --> 00:11:22,419
Of course.
He's my brother.
314
00:11:22,453 --> 00:11:23,820
We tell each other everything.
315
00:11:23,855 --> 00:11:25,255
And here's something
she's a little shy to tell you.
316
00:11:25,289 --> 00:11:26,890
Don't be afraid
to work the fun bags.
317
00:11:26,924 --> 00:11:28,485
You know what I'm saying, buddy.
318
00:11:29,927 --> 00:11:32,295
You dog.
You sick dog!
319
00:11:32,330 --> 00:11:33,930
[Barks, howls]
320
00:11:33,965 --> 00:11:34,931
Up top!
321
00:11:34,966 --> 00:11:36,266
Whoo!
322
00:11:37,735 --> 00:11:40,370
You okay with Susan telling
all those jokes about you?
323
00:11:40,405 --> 00:11:42,839
There's no way I'm letting
her get on that stage.
324
00:11:42,874 --> 00:11:44,274
Why not?
325
00:11:44,308 --> 00:11:45,675
Can't you just support Susan
for a change?
326
00:11:45,710 --> 00:11:46,877
I'm very supportive.
327
00:11:46,911 --> 00:11:49,012
When she wanted to learn
how to sew,
328
00:11:49,046 --> 00:11:51,815
who sent her
to her uncle's factory in Andong
329
00:11:51,849 --> 00:11:53,350
for the whole summer?
330
00:11:54,685 --> 00:11:55,919
I'd like to welcome everybody
331
00:11:55,953 --> 00:11:58,522
to Sullivan & son's
open-mike night!
332
00:11:58,556 --> 00:12:00,390
[Cheers and applause]
333
00:12:00,425 --> 00:12:02,459
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to welcome to the stage
334
00:12:02,493 --> 00:12:03,794
Mr. Hank Murphy...
335
00:12:03,828 --> 00:12:05,929
Not only one of Pittsburgh's
greatest magicians,
336
00:12:05,963 --> 00:12:09,533
but he's also puked
in all three of our rivers!
337
00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:11,635
[Cheers and applause]
[Vaudeville music plays on stereo]
338
00:12:11,669 --> 00:12:13,203
Welcome! Welcome!
339
00:12:13,237 --> 00:12:15,639
Also, please welcome
my lovely assistant,
340
00:12:15,673 --> 00:12:18,742
the mystic Melanie!
341
00:12:18,776 --> 00:12:20,343
[Cheers and applause]
342
00:12:22,613 --> 00:12:25,749
My first trick comes to us
from Mexico.
343
00:12:25,783 --> 00:12:27,918
"Las tres copas."
344
00:12:27,952 --> 00:12:31,621
Uno, dos, tres.
345
00:12:31,656 --> 00:12:35,225
Now, let's call
our first cup "Juan."
346
00:12:35,259 --> 00:12:36,493
Aha!
347
00:12:36,527 --> 00:12:37,661
Juan.
348
00:12:37,695 --> 00:12:40,564
Let's call our second cup
"Maria."
349
00:12:40,598 --> 00:12:43,300
And let us
put them both together.
350
00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:44,768
Let's say "hola"
351
00:12:44,802 --> 00:12:47,471
to the illegal Gonzalez family!
352
00:12:50,808 --> 00:12:53,510
I am the great supremo blanco!
353
00:12:54,846 --> 00:12:58,582
And now I'm going to take
an ordinary dollar bill
354
00:12:58,616 --> 00:13:00,250
and fold it.
355
00:13:00,284 --> 00:13:01,818
And will you
blow on that, please?
356
00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:04,287
And now, as I unfold it,
357
00:13:04,322 --> 00:13:07,457
it has magically
turned into a $100 bill!
358
00:13:07,492 --> 00:13:08,758
Woman: Yeah!
359
00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:11,361
Our Jewish friends
love this trick.
360
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:18,802
Susan, I need you
to go on sooner.
361
00:13:18,836 --> 00:13:20,637
You ready?
You bet.
362
00:13:21,272 --> 00:13:22,339
Hank:
And now, mystic Melanie,
363
00:13:22,373 --> 00:13:24,493
would you please tap the deck?
364
00:13:25,009 --> 00:13:26,309
Now, remember...
365
00:13:26,344 --> 00:13:28,745
When a spade...
366
00:13:28,779 --> 00:13:31,615
Walks into a club...
367
00:13:31,649 --> 00:13:33,016
Hide your diamonds.
368
00:13:35,386 --> 00:13:36,953
Oh, no, I didn't!
369
00:13:36,988 --> 00:13:40,991
And... and, of course,
all cards are created equal.
370
00:13:43,794 --> 00:13:46,229
That's it.
You're on.
371
00:13:46,264 --> 00:13:47,397
You're gonna be great.
372
00:13:47,431 --> 00:13:50,233
Thanks.
Steve, I'm really excited.
373
00:13:50,268 --> 00:13:51,868
[Chuckles]
374
00:13:51,903 --> 00:13:53,603
[Groans] Susan.
375
00:13:53,638 --> 00:13:55,906
Go ahead, mom.
Take your best shot.
376
00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:57,908
Whatever you say,
it's not gonna bother me.
377
00:13:57,942 --> 00:13:59,776
I'm still going out there.
378
00:13:59,810 --> 00:14:01,311
No shot, Susan.
379
00:14:01,345 --> 00:14:03,313
I just want to say
380
00:14:03,347 --> 00:14:06,316
something I should have
said a long time ago.
381
00:14:06,350 --> 00:14:08,652
I support you,
382
00:14:08,686 --> 00:14:11,621
and I'm proud of you.
383
00:14:20,231 --> 00:14:24,768
And now for the comedy stylings
of my sister, Susan!
384
00:14:24,802 --> 00:14:29,606
[Cheers and applause]
385
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,474
And Susan!
386
00:14:34,412 --> 00:14:35,912
What are you doing?
You're on.
387
00:14:43,521 --> 00:14:47,357
What's the difference
between Godzilla and my mom?
388
00:14:47,391 --> 00:14:51,661
Godzilla is a monster,
and my mom...
389
00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:55,899
Is [voice breaking]
a wonderful person.
390
00:14:58,336 --> 00:14:59,502
[Sobs]
391
00:14:59,537 --> 00:15:01,438
That's not your act,
Susan, remember?
392
00:15:01,472 --> 00:15:02,839
Mom's a horrible person.
393
00:15:02,873 --> 00:15:04,174
[Chuckles nervously] A monster.
394
00:15:04,208 --> 00:15:05,575
How dare you?
395
00:15:05,610 --> 00:15:07,777
She's an angel.
396
00:15:07,812 --> 00:15:10,614
A beautiful, beautiful angel.
397
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:11,881
All right!
398
00:15:11,916 --> 00:15:13,350
How about it for the hip
and ironic comedy
399
00:15:13,384 --> 00:15:14,718
of my sister, Susan?
400
00:15:14,752 --> 00:15:16,720
[Light applause]
401
00:15:18,322 --> 00:15:19,723
Hey!
Put us on!
402
00:15:19,757 --> 00:15:20,724
Hurry up!
403
00:15:20,758 --> 00:15:22,325
You need bobo belinski!
404
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,441
Let's go!
405
00:15:24,528 --> 00:15:28,632
[Flatly] And now, for an act
you'll truly never forget,
406
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:32,369
ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Bobo Belinski.
407
00:15:32,403 --> 00:15:34,404
[Cheers and applause]
408
00:15:37,241 --> 00:15:40,744
Welcome to open-mike night
at Sullivan & son!
409
00:15:40,778 --> 00:15:43,780
[Cheers and applause] Ho!
410
00:15:45,249 --> 00:15:46,483
Ooh!
There's some popcorn.
411
00:15:46,517 --> 00:15:48,752
I love popcorn.
412
00:15:50,287 --> 00:15:52,522
Not... not that much!
413
00:15:52,556 --> 00:15:54,557
Not... not that much.
Stop.
414
00:15:54,592 --> 00:15:56,926
Stop. Stop.
415
00:15:56,961 --> 00:15:59,929
No mo... no more popcorn!
416
00:16:02,733 --> 00:16:04,434
Thank you.
417
00:16:04,468 --> 00:16:06,436
[Chuckles] Really?
418
00:16:06,470 --> 00:16:10,440
And we hope that you've enjoyed
seeing Mr. Bobo Belinski
419
00:16:10,474 --> 00:16:12,242
come and visit you all.
420
00:16:13,878 --> 00:16:15,712
No. No!
421
00:16:15,746 --> 00:16:17,313
No!
422
00:16:17,348 --> 00:16:19,249
My doctor said I'm not
supposed to have pie!
423
00:16:19,283 --> 00:16:20,717
Stop! No!
424
00:16:21,752 --> 00:16:23,219
No! Stop!
425
00:16:24,255 --> 00:16:25,588
Blood sugar, man!
426
00:16:25,623 --> 00:16:26,723
What are you doing?
You're showing your hands.
427
00:16:26,757 --> 00:16:27,957
You're ruining the illusion!
428
00:16:27,992 --> 00:16:29,672
I don't give a shit!
You're gonna kill me!
429
00:16:30,294 --> 00:16:31,494
Blood sugar!
430
00:16:31,529 --> 00:16:33,763
[Cheers and applause]
431
00:16:35,633 --> 00:16:37,801
Okay.
I think I'm gonna take off.
432
00:16:37,835 --> 00:16:39,769
Bye, sis.
433
00:16:39,804 --> 00:16:40,804
Nice meeting you, Owen.
434
00:16:40,838 --> 00:16:42,472
Uh, you, too.
435
00:16:42,506 --> 00:16:44,974
And you keep plowing my sister
like an amish farmer.
436
00:16:45,009 --> 00:16:47,644
She's making us all breakfast
thanks to you.
437
00:16:50,448 --> 00:16:52,649
You tell your brother
about our sex life?
438
00:16:52,683 --> 00:16:53,650
That's messed up.
439
00:16:53,684 --> 00:16:55,351
He's my brother.
440
00:16:55,386 --> 00:16:57,420
What else are we gonna talk
about on Sunday-night dinner?
441
00:16:57,455 --> 00:16:58,888
It's just weird.
442
00:16:58,923 --> 00:17:01,157
Now I can't get the image
out of my head.
443
00:17:01,192 --> 00:17:03,293
Well, excuse me
for being close to my brother.
444
00:17:03,327 --> 00:17:05,562
Well, excuse me
for being close with my mom.
445
00:17:05,596 --> 00:17:08,198
You know what?
I'm... I'm not feeling this.
446
00:17:08,232 --> 00:17:09,899
There's something else
I got to do.
447
00:17:09,934 --> 00:17:11,668
[Gasps] Where are you going?
448
00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:14,370
To the movies.
449
00:17:14,405 --> 00:17:17,373
Ready to save the galaxy,
Mr. Spock?
450
00:17:17,408 --> 00:17:20,610
I was hoping you'd change
your mind, captain.
451
00:17:20,644 --> 00:17:23,346
Steve, we want to do our act.
452
00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:24,914
Great.
Just what I need.
453
00:17:24,949 --> 00:17:26,583
Don't worry.
It's a scene from "Star Trek."
454
00:17:26,617 --> 00:17:27,851
It's between two guys.
455
00:17:27,885 --> 00:17:29,185
You won't have a problem
with any of it.
456
00:17:29,220 --> 00:17:31,187
Fine.
What have I got to lose?
457
00:17:31,222 --> 00:17:33,189
Thanks.
You won't regret it.
458
00:17:33,224 --> 00:17:34,591
And goodbye, Pittsburgh Reader.
459
00:17:34,625 --> 00:17:35,759
[Sighs]
460
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,594
And now for an act
461
00:17:37,628 --> 00:17:40,196
that's truly...
Out of this world.
462
00:17:40,231 --> 00:17:42,732
Ladies and gentlemen,
Carol and Owen!
463
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:45,368
[Cheers and applause]
464
00:17:45,402 --> 00:17:47,522
[Dramatic Sci-Fi music
plays on stereo]
465
00:17:51,509 --> 00:17:53,777
Spock!
You're hurt.
466
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,645
[Deep voice]
A mere flesh wound, captain.
467
00:17:55,679 --> 00:17:59,249
But more importantly,
is the enterprise safe?
468
00:18:00,684 --> 00:18:02,485
It is.
469
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,454
Don't worry, captain.
470
00:18:04,488 --> 00:18:05,555
It's logical.
471
00:18:05,589 --> 00:18:08,324
Spock, stay with me.
472
00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:12,495
I am, and will always be,
your friend,
473
00:18:12,530 --> 00:18:15,198
your loyal, faithful friend.
474
00:18:15,232 --> 00:18:16,432
[Music continues]
475
00:18:16,467 --> 00:18:17,834
Live long...
476
00:18:17,868 --> 00:18:19,502
And...
477
00:18:19,537 --> 00:18:21,738
Prosper.
478
00:18:37,755 --> 00:18:39,823
And scene.
479
00:18:41,425 --> 00:18:42,458
[Cheers and applause]
480
00:18:42,493 --> 00:18:44,427
That was fantastic!
481
00:18:48,232 --> 00:18:50,667
Bravo!
That was brilliant.
482
00:18:50,701 --> 00:18:53,203
Finally,
someone exposes "Star Trek"
483
00:18:53,237 --> 00:18:55,471
for the homoerotic
opus that it is.
484
00:18:55,506 --> 00:18:56,539
What are your names?
485
00:18:56,574 --> 00:18:57,774
I got to put you
in the magazine.
486
00:18:57,808 --> 00:18:59,275
Uh, Carol and Owen Walsh.
487
00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:00,610
Ah.
Husband and wife?
488
00:19:00,644 --> 00:19:02,278
Mother and son.
489
00:19:02,313 --> 00:19:04,180
Oh.
490
00:19:05,583 --> 00:19:06,983
Gluten-free beer
coming back up.
491
00:19:15,218 --> 00:19:17,219
Mom, why did you hug me?
492
00:19:17,253 --> 00:19:19,354
I was just trying
to be supportive.
493
00:19:19,388 --> 00:19:21,923
Well, maybe we should
try it again.
494
00:19:21,958 --> 00:19:23,091
Ah.
495
00:19:23,126 --> 00:19:25,026
Or we could do this.
496
00:19:27,530 --> 00:19:30,966
It's an oldie but goodie.
497
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,468
Well, I just came
to say goodbye.
498
00:19:33,503 --> 00:19:34,970
Yeah, I guess we're over.
499
00:19:35,004 --> 00:19:37,038
I'm sorry I couldn't handle
your mom.
500
00:19:37,073 --> 00:19:38,173
Sorry I couldn't handle
your brother.
501
00:19:38,207 --> 00:19:39,574
But I love how honest you were.
502
00:19:39,609 --> 00:19:41,309
I loved how honest you were.
503
00:19:41,344 --> 00:19:43,912
You know, there's something kind
of attractive about honesty.
504
00:19:43,946 --> 00:19:45,147
Yeah. I've never really been
505
00:19:45,181 --> 00:19:46,515
in an honest
relationship before.
506
00:19:46,549 --> 00:19:48,083
Huh. It's kind of hot.
Really hot.
507
00:19:48,117 --> 00:19:49,918
Are you as turned on
as I am right now?
508
00:19:49,952 --> 00:19:51,353
I love breakup sex.
509
00:19:54,590 --> 00:19:56,191
Oh, God.
510
00:19:56,225 --> 00:19:58,393
Look at this review
by the Pittsburgh Reader.
511
00:19:58,427 --> 00:20:00,395
"How do you turn
a nice night out
512
00:20:00,429 --> 00:20:01,630
"into a nightmare?
513
00:20:01,664 --> 00:20:03,999
"Stop by Sullivan & son.
514
00:20:04,033 --> 00:20:06,668
"They set the bar low,
and then they lower it.
515
00:20:06,702 --> 00:20:11,006
It's a bar filled with freaks,
racists, and losers."
516
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,107
[Sighs]
517
00:20:13,376 --> 00:20:17,245
We made the Pittsburgh Reader!
518
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,481
[All cheering]
519
00:20:19,515 --> 00:20:20,982
They may be happy,
520
00:20:21,017 --> 00:20:23,351
but this bar
is still not a success.
521
00:20:23,386 --> 00:20:24,719
You may not think so,
522
00:20:24,754 --> 00:20:26,621
but there are different ways
to define success.
523
00:20:26,656 --> 00:20:28,723
Thanks to you,
524
00:20:28,758 --> 00:20:31,359
all these people
have a place to go,
525
00:20:31,394 --> 00:20:33,662
a home.
526
00:20:33,696 --> 00:20:37,365
Hey, everybody,
raise your glasses.
527
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,700
Next round's on the house.
528
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:40,969
[Bar patrons cheer]
529
00:20:41,003 --> 00:20:42,304
When I clap my hands,
530
00:20:42,338 --> 00:20:45,140
you will no longer
be under my spell.
531
00:20:45,174 --> 00:20:48,009
One, two, three.
532
00:20:50,112 --> 00:20:51,379
Hank, it worked.
533
00:20:51,414 --> 00:20:53,114
[Both chuckle]
534
00:20:55,418 --> 00:20:59,354
Supremo blanco strikes again!
36996
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