All language subtitles for the.goldbergs.2013.s05e02

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
being the only kid
in my school

with his own video camera
had its advantages.

Most notably, I could use it

to get out of
tough homework assignments.

Rolling.
For example, AP Spanish.

By the power of Grayskull!

(THUNDER CRASHES)

I have the power

of espanol!

Me gusta las manzanas!

(APPLAUSE)

ADULT ADAM: The movies
I made for school

never failed to dazzle
my teachers.

(SIGHS) Well, that content
was shockingly simple.

But wow.
You have a video camera.

That's not nothing.

A-plus, senor!

It was the ultimate scam
to get out of work

I didn't want to do.

Athletics saves lives!

Get fit, or you'll end up
like this!

Ah, damn it.
My foot swelled up again.

Bevy, help me!

Ugh!
Aah, it's locked in tight!

That's a moving
cautionary tale, Goldfarb.

You can sit out dodgeball
for the whole week.

ADULT ADAM: Even the toughest
teachers in school

fell for my homework hack.
Like Doc,

the classic '80s teacher who
was rough around the edges

and a sniper
with a piece of chalk.

Yeah, this kind
of student cruelty

was only a thing of the past.

All right, I hope you
were all taking notes,

'cause it's
term-paper time.

I want 10 pages
on World War II,

not including
bibliography.

(STUDENTS GROAN)
Would you prefer double-spaced
or triple-spaced?

Hey, that was close!

It's called a warning shot,
fresh mouth.

Always single-spaced.
Goldberg, speak.

As you may know, filmmaking
has been a passion of mine

since my early years here
at William Penn.

Yeah. I think we all know how
that's held you back socially.

Indeed.

I was wondering if,
instead of the paper,

you'd accept
a cinematic re-creation

of an important event
from the war.

Sounds like someone's trying
to get out of doing real work.

Other teachers
have said yes,

and they've been very pleased
with the results.

Ask around the lounge.
I think you'll hear
good things.

I am no longer welcome
in that lounge.

Lucky for you, Doc likes
a good World War II movie.

But you better wow me,
or it's an F.

High stakes.
I like that game.

He gets to make
a movie?

Seriously, why does everyone
jump up and down for this kid

just 'cause his parents
spoiled him with
a video camera?

Son, it is taking
all my energy

not to chuck an eraser
at your head.

Dave Kim's voice
will not be silenced!

How is this
allowed?

(CHUCKLES)

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM: It was October 4,
1980-something,

and my sister, Erica,
was in college,

parent-free and loving life.

Damn washing machine!

Well, kind of.

My jeans are
completely bleached

and not in the cool,
acid-washed kind of way.

How much, like, bleach
did you use?

I don't know. One?

One bleach?

You realize you have, like,
no basic life skills,

and it's gross.

Okay, I just messed up
a little laundry.

As if! I mean, look at
your side of the room.

It's a total
garbage heap.

It's an organized heap.

I have a system. (CHUCKLES)

It's like you don't know how
to pick up after yourself

or make a bed for yourself
or feed yourself.

What? I prefer to eat out
because I don't know
how to cook

ramen or boil a cow
or whatever.

Look, we're friends and stuff,
but if you don't learn

how to take care of yourself,
I'll talk to the RA

and get you evicted
or whatever.

You can't do that!

Oh, I can.

Get it together,
or you'll be living

in the mature-students dorm.

I can't live with moms
who are going back to school

to get their lives
on track!

You either learn fast, or your
new roomie will be a divorcee

who takes pottery classes
and listens to Yanni.

Not Yanni!

Yanni.

Okay, I am an adult.

I can fix this on my own.

ADULT ADAM: But she couldn't,
so she came home instead.

We need to talk, woman!

(GASPS)

Sweet God,
am I dreaming?

You ruined my life!

Dang it. It's real.

In my dreams,
we wear matching sweaters

and you drown me
in nub-nubs.

Mom, I'm a total mess
at college.

Because of you, I've never had
to clean or cook

or act like a human
in the real world.

Are you saying
I failed as a mother

by being too good
of a mother?

Yes!

I am bleached
and stinky and hungry.

Aw. Well, let Mama
do your dirty laundry

and fill you with eggs
and breads and meats.

Well, I kind of took
a bus at 5:00 a.m.
to learn adult skills,

but your thing
sounds way easier.

Feed me the meats!

(CHUCKLES)

Why are you here?
Why are you eating my meats?

Hi, Daddy.
Huge news, Murray.

Erica's gonna come home
every weekend

so I can care for
her needs!

That's ridiculous.

She's got to learn
how to take care of herself,

not have you baby her.

No!
Let her baby me,

or I'll be rooming
with someone's colorful aunt

who's trying to
reinvent herself,

but she can't
because it's too late.

Stop eating my meats.

No babying,
just teaching.

You act like I baby them
on purpose, Murray.

Mom, I'm starving!

Turn this magic dust
into pancakes for me?

No!

This stops now, moron!

Make them yourself
like an adult.

Fine!

Ah.
Now all we do is wait.

Start now.

Start teaching them how to
live without their mother

so they don't end up
here forever.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad tried
to help his helpless kids,

Pops was patiently waiting

to hang with his favorite
grandson.

Oop!
There he is.

You all ready to hit
the auction house, kiddo?

(SIGHS)
I'm sorry. I can't go.

But we pretend
we're titans of industry

and drive up all the prices
of the nonsense art.

Pops, I'm busy.

I'm in high school.
I got a girlfriend.

I'm making a movie
on World War II.

World War II?
Why didn't you say so?

That's my war!
Let me help.

Guess I could interview you
and get some cool stories.

You want stories?
I got stories.

Did I ever tell you
about my crazy friend Boxy

in basic training?

Ooh, this is good.
Was he a boxer?

No. We called him Boxy
'cause his family owned
a box factory.

He tripped over a table
in the mess hall,
hurt his foot,

was sent home,
became an orthodontist.

Okay. Well, maybe you
should talk more about

the actual war stuff.

Well, for most of the war,
I was actually on
a supply ship.

Shipping bullets
and bombs and stuff?

Mostly canvas.
And rope.

And one time,
we were loaded up
with pants.

Yeah, I think I want my movie
to be less about pants

and more about
saving the world.

But we can hang out
some other time.

ADULT ADAM: Pops could see
he was losing me.

So in that moment, he decided
to spice things up

with some stories
from the classic '60s sitcom,

Hogan's Heroes.

Oh, I got one.

My supply ship got captured
and I was taken prisoner.

Prisoner?
Why didn't you lead with that?

I was building up to it.

And I was hooked.

Every tale Pops told
was better than the last!

And we got all our
instructions from London

through a radio we had hidden
in a coffee pot.

That does make sense.

I had to convince the colonel
to let me form a jazz band,

which would trigger
an avalanche.

Unbelievable.

The chimpanzee
had nowhere to go,

so it only made sense
he live with us
in our barracks.

This is gonna be
an awesome movie!

The script is gonna
write itself!

Go get 'em, Slugger.

I'm just gonna jog
the ol' memory.

While Pops got schooled on
Hogan's Heroes,

my mom was reluctantly
teaching Erica and Barry
life skills.

And you
pinch the shoulders,

flip in the sleeves,
and hello,

store-quality
folded shirt.

Hope you're happy,
Erica.

I was enjoying my life
of leisure with my mom-butler

and you ruined it.

Calm down.

All we're doing is learning
a few easy things

to appease your father.

Yeah,
learning won't hurt.

Then we wouldn't have to leave
an awesome place like college

to go to a lame place
like here.

So you want to learn
so you can leave?

Exactly.
Help us leave you.
Mmm.

After hearing my sister's
change of heart,

my mom decided
not to teach them,

but to bring them down.

Okay, then.

Uh, let's start with something
simple, a fitted sheet.

If you can't fold
a simple sheet,

there's really no hope
for you.

What the hell?

Where does it begin,
and where does it end?

Just give it to me, dude.
I'll show you how to do it.

Oh! Oh, no!
I'm stuck!

I'm stuck inside!
I'm inside of the sheet!

You got it?

ERICA: No. Oh, wait.

BARRY: Oh, no.
Grab the stretchy part.

Nope, that's not
the stretchy part!

I'm gonna die in here!
You're making it worse!

Oh, my God.
You are so good
at Mom stuff.

I know.
It's so frustrating.

You can't come
to where I am.

I wish there was a way
I could go someplace.

Wait!
What if you came to us?

Say it, Erica.

Say every detail
of every idea you just had.

Every weekend,
you can visit

and clean my filthy dorm,
cook me food, and do laundry

while I'm at class
and partying with my friends.

What about me?
Fine.

She can
alternate weekends.

You just solved
your unsolvable problem!

Yay!

Hey, morons.
Let me get this straight.

You two have officially
decided to let your mom
take care of you

for the rest
of your lives.

She seems
very open to it.

Of course she is.

How do you not see what she's
doing after all this time?

Dude, do you think
she gave us the impossible
sheet on purpose?

Yes. She manipulates you into
needing her week after week.

What are you
talking about?

She made up a medical
condition so she could
have a sleepover

with you in your dorm
on your first night
of college.

Well, that certainly is
an example.

Well, it ends today!

Mom will no longer control me
with her mommery.

Yeah! Let's stick it to her
by learning the life skills

that we should've learned
as small children.

I'm scared,
but I'm in.

Take my hand, Father.
Leap with us into the unknown.

Thank you, and welcome.

Once in a generation,
a student project comes along

that not only triggers
an automatic A,

but launches an illustrious
filmmaking career.

Get to it, Rex Reed.
I got a whole bucket here.

ADAM: Enjoy.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

The year was 1943,

and I was a prisoner of war
behind enemy lines.

As fate would have it,
the camp was guarded

by two bumbling fools who I
outsmarted on a weekly basis.

If it wasn't for me,
Colonel Klink

and his surprisingly
lovable sidekick,

Sergeant Schultz,
would have won the war!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

All right, Goldberg.
Stop the tape.

(MUSIC STOPS)
Is this some kind of joke?

I know what you're thinking.
It's too good.

This is not your grandfather's
war story.

You stole it
from Hogan's Heroes.

No! I've never even
seen that show.

This came straight
from my grandfather.

I demand an apology
and an A-plus!

More like an F and a week's
detention for being a liar!

What was that?
Nothing.

Did you just throw
my chalk back at me?

(SCOFFS) Wha...

You threw it to me.
I threw it back at you.

It's a game of catch!
We have fun!

Principal's office.
Now.

Way ahead of you.

ADULT ADAM:
After turning Pops'
war stories into cinema,

only enemy
in my teacher's eyes was me.

Sorry.

Doc is insisting that
your grandfather's stories
are all lies.

I will never
believe that!

That's a year's detention,
you sassy bastard!

Okay!
Everybody calm down.

Mr. Goldberg,
you know that plagiarism

is a very serious
academic crime.

I didn't plagiarize
anything!

Let's go to the tape, then,
shall we?

Let's.

Please, Colonel Solomon!
Please, Colonel Hogan!

(TOGETHER) How else
do we get the tank in?

(BOTH STUTTER) Tank?

(TOGETHER)
So we can take it apart.

It's only until tomorrow,

and then he's gonna
take it off again...

(BOTH SIGH)

(TOGETHER) ...after
he steals the tank...

Oh?

...from the Panzer Division...
Oh!

...and brings it here
into the barracks.

Oh, I see nothing!

I was not here!

I did not even
get up this morning...

Wow.
That is incriminating.

I guess we have to
face facts.

Hogan stole that story
from my grandfather.

No, wait!
Hogan is my grandfather!

Oh, and I'm Granny from
The Beverly Hillbillies.

Give it up!
Never!

Pops is my best friend
in the world,

and there's no way
he'd lie to me.

Yeah, I lied to you.

Balls, man!

Big balls!
I'm in real trouble here!

I could be expelled.

Wait. That movie
was for school?

Yes.

I made a movie instead of
writing a term paper.

Why do they keep
letting you make movies

instead of doing
actual work?

It's a Quaker school.
It's very loose.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to get you
in trouble.

I was just excited
to spend time together again.

(SIGHS)
Now I feel terrible.

Don't feel terrible.

Same thing happened
with Erica and Barry.

Everybody grows up.
Tell you what,

I'm gonna go talk to your
teacher and fix this mishegas.

He won't listen.

He's a hard-ass and a sniper
with a piece of chalk.

I can handle him.
I fought in the war.

Don't you mean you
brought pants to the boat
that went to the war?

ADULT ADAM: As Pops enlisted
to fight for my grade,

my brother and sister
had been defeated by an enemy
close to home.

Unbelievable!

The way that woman fed us,
cleaned our rooms,

loved us day and night...

She's been playing us
for suckers!

We should have seen
the caring and nurturing

for what it was,
a ruse!

Erica?
Oh, my God! You're back!

Did you come all this way
to surprise me?

Oh, man!

Uh, I mean, hey, you!

I've missed you
so much!

Same. But also, I am kind of
busy dealing with this thing.

Oh, can I help?
Do you know
how to do laundry?

Totally. There's this
laundry chute by my bedroom,

and I just put
all my dirty clothes in it.

And then a few days later,
boom, they're back
in my drawer.

You're useless to me.
Yep.

Wait! Wait.

I know someone who's been
surviving on his own forever.

He can teach us
for sure.

Who?
The wisest man I know.

Well, you've come to the right
efficiency apartment.

My perpetual single-tude

has given me an amazing array
of domestic skills.

Make yourselves at home

in my living room/gym/
sitting area/lanai.

Brisket? I made that in
my gentleman's Crock-Pot.

So tender!

It falls apart
at fork's first touch.

Also, how long are
we gonna be here?

Dude, look at
the laundry basket!

Is that one of those
impossible-to-fold sheets

Mom was
tricking us with?

You mean fitted?
I've danced with a few.

ERICA:
They're perfect.

You folded them?
How'd you find the corners?

You don't find the corners
of the sheet.

The corners find you.

Teach us everything
you know, Coach.

* Never surrender
Very well.

If you got the heart
and the will to win

and you have
a basic understanding

of how to use a vacuum,

then your training
in the domestic arts
begins now!

It's all from here.

And then you just
power through the seams.

Let your hips do the work.

Ten-hut!
What's all this now?

Name's Albert Solomon,

veteran of the Army
Quartermaster Corps.

I'm here to get my grandson
Adam a second chance.

Would you do that
for a veteran?

Sir, while I appreciate
your service,

grades are non-negotiable.

I think you'll change that
policy when you hear me out.

Also, I don't remember
this jacket being so hot.

Would you mind if I...

Please, by all means.

Ah, that's better.
Where was I?

You're here to defend Adam,
even though he plagiarized

the greatest show
in television history.

No. I... I told him
those stories

so I could spend time
with him.

Also, is this shirt snug?
It... It feels snug.

It's incredibly snug.

Would you mind if I...
Be my guest.

Where was I again?

You were saying you
misrepresented your life

as Hogan's Heroes in order
to impress your grandchild.

What's going on now?
It's the helmet.

Damn strap is so tight
on my chin.

You served this country, sir.
Just get comfortable.

(GRUNTS) That's some
sweet relief.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna stop all this.

I'm gonna let Adam
redo his project.

But just know, he has to
really impress me this time.

Thank you for showing me
the dignity that I deserve.

At ease.

ADULT ADAM:
Pops' mission was a success!

Meanwhile, Erica had
successfully put some of

her new life skills
to the test.

Morning, Mom.
Fresh-brewed coffee?

Yes, thanks, and what
the (BLEEP) is this?

Oh, we just whipped up
a little breakfast of toast,
bacon,

sausage, ham steak,
freshly squeezed juice,

and eggy in the hole.

I use
a melon baller now.

Why would you make
eggy in the hole?

I'm the one who makes
eggy in the hole.

Not anymore.
We eggy our own holes now.

Your reign of eggy-ing
our holes is over, woman.

Dad told us all about
your little plan to
make us need you,

but guess what,
we learned stuff.

We can egg any hole, ball any
melon, fold any sheet,

top or fitted.

Murray,
how could you do this?

Make our children
responsible adults?

I don't know
what got into me!

Face it. We know
basic life skills now.

Your days of manipulating us
into needing you are done.

Manipulating you?

I have never done anything
so awful.

You faked
a pelvis injury

so I'd cook
Thanksgiving dinner with you.

You tricked us into filling up
a swear jar with enough money

so we could take a family trip
to Colonial Williamsburg.

You forged Mother's Day
coupons from us

to get unlimited snuggles.

Okay!
I do it every week!

What do you want from me?
To be normal.

You know
I can't do that!

Well, you're gonna have to,
'cause after all these years

of tricking us
into staying close,

all you've done
is drive us away.

They're right, Bevy,
and you know it.

Of course I know it.

They've just grown up so fast,
Murray.

I'm their mother.
I've given them everything!

And it is so hard
to be reminded

that your time with them
is over.

It's not over.
It's just changing.

And you just got to figure out
a way to change with it.

I have returned
for my melon baller.

Good day to you.

Ouch.

ADULT ADAM: After ripping off
Hogan's Heroes,

Pops helped me get
one final shot

to save my butt and my grade.

Hey. I'm just gonna skip
the preamble and show you

what really happened
to my grandfather in the war.

It was October 8, 1942.

I signed up for basic training
and was shipped off
to Alabama.

The heat was brutal,

and we lost a lot of good men
along the way.

I'm sorry, Al.
I got to go.

Damn it, Boxy!
Don't you leave me!

I got no choice!
I tripped and hurt my foot.

No!

POPS: It was summer.
Our boat was headed
for Florida

loaded with 1,000 crates
of pants.

Problem was, no one knew
which were the small pants

and which were
the large pants.

It was up to me to make sure

everyone got
the right size pants.

Sir! These pants
are too short, sir!

No!

We docked at dawn, and by God,
we delivered those pants,

which fit perfectly
on the bravest soldiers

this world has ever known.

ADAM: Turns out, heroes come
in all shapes and sizes.

I know Pops didn't storm
the beach at Normandy,

but he still put his life
on the line.

And that's why he's my hero.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

DOC: (SIGHS) Damn.

That got me.

My gramps was a cook
on a Navy barge

that never left Hudson Bay.

* I don't know
where I'm going
So I don't fail?

Son, that was the best damn
term paper I've ever seen.

And I suggest
you keep making more.

ADULT ADAM: And I did,
thanks to Pops.

Turns out,
every once in a while,

we get so excited
to be around our family,

we lose sight of doing
what's right.

Whatcha doing?
You were right.

* And I've made up my mind
I'm always trying to

stop the kids from changing,
stop everything from changing.

* I ain't wasting no more time
But now I realize
that's impossible.

* But here I go again
It's time for me
to change, too.

* Here I go again
So, the visit's over?

I mean,
it just felt so fast.

Well, we have a few minutes
right now.

Let's make
the most of it.

Kids, I need to talk to you.
Geoff, get out.

You know,
I don't mind staying.

Sometimes, I kind of feel like
I'm part of the family. Okay.

Mom, don't even start.
I get enough lectures
at school.

It's not a lecture.
It's an apology.

I've done a few
questionable things

to keep you kids close to me.
"A few"?

I've done a ton
of questionable things!

But no more.

You kids are changing.

There's... There's no reason
I can't, too.

It's time for an evolution,
a Bevolution.

That sounds expensive.
Oh, it will be.

But it's something
I want to do.
What do you say?

ADULT ADAM:
Sometimes, the toughest
decisions in life.

end up giving us
the best results.

I say,
it's really awesome.

* And here I go again
on my own
And I'm proud of you.

And we come to appreciate
our family

for who they really are...

* Going down the only road
I've ever known

...and who they
help us become.

Wow.

No more going home for Mommy
to do your laundry?

Nope. I'll just be
going home for her.

And in the end,
it's not just the stories

we tell each other
that are important.

It's the people who tell them.

* I ain't wasting
no more time *

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

ADAM: Ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.

What do you want me
to do?

My name is Albert...
Actor Albert...

WOMAN:
Look at the camera.

...actor
Albert S. Solomon.

ADAM: (LAUGHING)
That's so depressing.

Say it nicer.

(LAUGHTER)

Don't throw that!

My name is
Albert S. Solomon.

I am 80...

(LAUGHTER)

Do you want me
to lie to you?

No, no, no.
That was good.

Up next, from
the Von Thurston estate

is this abstract
expressionist painting
of unknown provenance.

The bidding starts
at $5,000.

$30,000!

I have $30,000.
Whoa.
Pump the brakes, kiddo.

Don't worry. The whole point
is to force these dopes

to pay double
for this ridiculous art.

I have $30,000 going once.

I'm pretty sure that guy
raised his hand.

No.

No? You sure?

I am sure.
I have $30,000 going twice.

Come on, people!

Look at that beautifully
rendered depiction of...

Despair or joy
or horses.

I... Who knows what it is,
but just buy it, people!

Sold to Mr. Skywalker
and his associate, Dr. Zaius.

Run, Adam.
Run and don't look back.