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1
00:00:03,855 --> 00:00:08,645
Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler
2
00:00:08,735 --> 00:00:12,489
If you thInk we're on the run?
3
00:00:13,615 --> 00:00:18,370
We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game
4
00:00:18,455 --> 00:00:23,131
We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn
5
00:00:23,215 --> 00:00:28,005
'Cause who do you thInkyou are kIddIng, Mr HItler
6
00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:32,566
If you thInk old England's done?
7
00:00:32,695 --> 00:00:37,689
Mr Brown goes off to townon the 8..2 1
8
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But he comes home each evenIngand he's ready wIth hIs gun
9
00:00:42,615 --> 00:00:47,484
So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler
10
00:00:47,575 --> 00:00:52,126
If you thInk old England's done?
11
00:00:53,895 --> 00:00:56,887
Now, boys, Mr Mainwaring's very busy,
as you know,
12
00:00:56,975 --> 00:01:00,092
so he's asked me to give a lecture
on bayonet practice.
13
00:01:00,175 --> 00:01:01,528
So, I shall.
14
00:01:01,615 --> 00:01:04,368
Now, there's no substitute for the cold steel.
15
00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:07,811
They do not like it up them.
They don't like it up them!
16
00:01:07,895 --> 00:01:10,045
I might have mentioned that to you before.
17
00:01:10,135 --> 00:01:13,605
Many times. Many, many times.
18
00:01:13,695 --> 00:01:15,367
-You can say that again, Taffy.
-Thanks.
19
00:01:15,455 --> 00:01:18,811
Silence in the ranks!
I will not have speaking when I am speaking.
20
00:01:18,895 --> 00:01:21,204
Now, put that cigarette out, Private Walker.
21
00:01:21,575 --> 00:01:25,409
Now, a very important item to remember
is the scream.
22
00:01:25,535 --> 00:01:27,412
That certainly puts the wind up the enemy.
23
00:01:27,495 --> 00:01:31,170
And that is performed by taking a deep breath
in the lung and....
24
00:01:33,975 --> 00:01:36,443
Got that? Now, I want you all to scream.
25
00:01:36,535 --> 00:01:38,526
Deep breath and....
26
00:01:38,615 --> 00:01:39,764
Hold it!
27
00:01:40,815 --> 00:01:45,047
Now, Mr Godfrey, you're the medical orderly,
so I don't think you ought to do any screaming.
28
00:01:45,135 --> 00:01:46,568
Go and put the kettle on.
29
00:01:46,655 --> 00:01:50,125
I'd like to remain, if I may, Mr Jones.
I'd rather like to do some screaming.
30
00:01:50,215 --> 00:01:55,130
Oh, all right then. Right, well, here we go, boys.
One big scream and....
31
00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:03,809
What a terrible noise.
What on earth's going on out there?
32
00:02:03,895 --> 00:02:05,169
Bayonet practice.
33
00:02:05,255 --> 00:02:07,485
Oh, I see. Can't they do it
just a little bit more quietly?
34
00:02:07,575 --> 00:02:09,930
Of course they can't do it quietly.
This is action, Wilson.
35
00:02:10,015 --> 00:02:12,210
-Action with a capital ''A''.
-Is that what it is?
36
00:02:12,295 --> 00:02:15,173
Yes, I wouldn't mind seeing
some action from you. A bit of screaming.
37
00:02:15,255 --> 00:02:18,327
Yes, well, somehow
I don't think screaming is quite my style, sir.
38
00:02:18,415 --> 00:02:22,044
Sometimes I wonder
just exactly what is your style, Wilson.
39
00:02:22,135 --> 00:02:24,251
-See who that is, please.
-Yeah, of course.
40
00:02:24,335 --> 00:02:25,734
Yes, who is it?
41
00:02:26,375 --> 00:02:28,730
Ah. Thank you very much indeed.
42
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:32,854
Oh, yes. It's for you, sir. It's from Gills, the tailor.
43
00:02:33,535 --> 00:02:35,127
Oh, splendid!
44
00:02:35,215 --> 00:02:38,207
Oh, thank you.
Oh, splendid, I've been waiting for this.
45
00:02:43,335 --> 00:02:46,964
-It's arrived just in time for the parade.
-Oh, really? What parade?
46
00:02:47,055 --> 00:02:49,728
Ceremonial church parade. On Sunday.
47
00:02:49,815 --> 00:02:53,171
-We've been discussing this for weeks.
-Oh, yes. Of course we have. Yes.
48
00:02:53,255 --> 00:02:55,246
What do you think of it?
49
00:02:55,335 --> 00:02:57,326
-What do I think of what?
-My hat, of course.
50
00:02:57,415 --> 00:02:59,087
Oh, yes!
51
00:02:59,175 --> 00:03:02,565
Oh, yes, indeed. I think it's awfully nice, sir. Yes.
52
00:03:03,815 --> 00:03:06,409
Now, when you're bayoneting this dummy, Pikey,
53
00:03:06,495 --> 00:03:10,807
I want you to imagine
that is Mr Hitler himself in person, right, boy?
54
00:03:10,895 --> 00:03:13,614
Now, then. I want to hear you scream. Come on.
55
00:03:13,695 --> 00:03:15,253
(SCREAMING HESITANTLY)
56
00:03:15,335 --> 00:03:16,654
Come on. Come on.
57
00:03:16,775 --> 00:03:18,527
(SCREAMING LOUDLY)
58
00:03:20,135 --> 00:03:21,614
That's very good, that is.
59
00:03:21,695 --> 00:03:25,608
Right, bayoneting and screaming
at Mr Hitler in person in your own time!
60
00:03:25,695 --> 00:03:26,810
Go!
61
00:03:26,895 --> 00:03:28,374
(PIKE SCREAMING)
62
00:03:33,855 --> 00:03:35,811
My hat! Look at my hat!
63
00:03:38,215 --> 00:03:39,648
Open this door at once!
64
00:03:39,735 --> 00:03:42,090
-Who is that?
-It's me, Mr Mainwaring.
65
00:03:42,175 --> 00:03:44,530
Well, let go of it, boy. Let go at once.
66
00:03:45,735 --> 00:03:47,566
-You all right, sir?
-Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
67
00:03:47,655 --> 00:03:49,771
I missed the dummy and I couldn't stop myself.
68
00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:52,130
You stupid boy, look at my hat.
69
00:03:53,135 --> 00:03:55,774
Look at the hole. Was your head in it?
70
00:03:56,335 --> 00:03:57,734
(PHONE RINGING)
71
00:03:57,815 --> 00:04:00,010
-You did that with your bayonet.
-Hello?
72
00:04:00,095 --> 00:04:02,768
I'm going to stop the money for this
out of your wages, you understand?
73
00:04:02,855 --> 00:04:05,608
Awfully nice to hear your voice.
Oh, yes, indeed it is.
74
00:04:05,695 --> 00:04:07,845
-Yes, he's here. It's your wife, sir.
-What?
75
00:04:07,935 --> 00:04:09,288
Your wife.
76
00:04:09,375 --> 00:04:13,163
-Tell her I'm not here.
-I'm sorry, sir. She heard you shouting, you see.
77
00:04:13,855 --> 00:04:15,174
-Really?
-Yeah.
78
00:04:19,455 --> 00:04:21,047
Hello, Elizabeth.
79
00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:23,964
Yes.
80
00:04:25,335 --> 00:04:30,409
Well, the fact is, dear, that I just can't stand
sleeping with you anymore in the shelter.
81
00:04:30,495 --> 00:04:31,610
What?
82
00:04:33,255 --> 00:04:37,407
But there hasn't been an air raid in months
and it's very uncomfortable.
83
00:04:38,135 --> 00:04:43,050
No, of course I didn't wait till you had gone out
to remove the bedding from the shelter.
84
00:04:43,455 --> 00:04:45,923
Don't stand gawping there, boy. Get out.
85
00:04:46,015 --> 00:04:48,483
What? No, no. I wasn't talking to you.
86
00:04:49,855 --> 00:04:53,291
Well, no. Of course I can't come and put it back.
Not now.
87
00:04:53,375 --> 00:04:56,765
I shan't be dismissing this parade
for at least half an hour.
88
00:04:56,855 --> 00:04:57,970
What?
89
00:04:58,855 --> 00:05:00,334
Oh, very well.
90
00:05:02,455 --> 00:05:05,686
-Would you dismiss the parade please, Arthur?
-Yes, of course I will, sir.
91
00:05:08,255 --> 00:05:12,567
So we don't get anymore nasty accidents,
let's push this up to the other end of the hall.
92
00:05:12,655 --> 00:05:15,328
-Come on. Steady with it, steady.
-Captain Square!
93
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,645
Platoon, attention!
94
00:05:18,655 --> 00:05:20,691
-Good evening, sir.
-Good evening, Corporal.
95
00:05:20,775 --> 00:05:22,970
-Captain Mainwaring anywhere about?
-I'll go and fetch him.
96
00:05:23,055 --> 00:05:25,091
No, don't worry. I'll just breeze in.
97
00:05:25,175 --> 00:05:27,928
That's a most impressive row of medals
you've got there.
98
00:05:28,015 --> 00:05:31,371
-Thank you, sir. I'm very proud of them.
-And so you should be, my man.
99
00:05:31,455 --> 00:05:36,006
Do you realise that you are carrying on your chest
an illuminated history of the British Empire?
100
00:05:36,095 --> 00:05:39,690
Very sound, very sound. Good man.
Right, carry on, Parkins.
101
00:05:42,695 --> 00:05:44,128
Come in.
102
00:05:45,495 --> 00:05:47,770
Captain Square to see you, sir.
103
00:05:48,295 --> 00:05:50,650
-Good evening, sir. Good evening.
-Good evening, Sergeant.
104
00:05:50,735 --> 00:05:53,249
This is Sergeant Parkins, my butler.
105
00:05:53,775 --> 00:05:56,243
Rotten sergeant, damn good butler.
106
00:05:56,335 --> 00:05:59,850
-Is Captain Mainwaring anywhere about?
-I'm afraid not, sir. He's just gone home.
107
00:05:59,935 --> 00:06:02,733
I won't stay very long in that case.
All right, Parkins.
108
00:06:02,815 --> 00:06:04,851
Prepare to sit. Sit.
109
00:06:08,095 --> 00:06:09,926
Now, the reason I called
110
00:06:10,015 --> 00:06:14,327
is to find out whether Captain Mainwaring
ever receives the battalion orders I sent out.
111
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:16,406
-Oh, what orders?
-About the medals.
112
00:06:16,495 --> 00:06:17,894
What medals?
113
00:06:17,975 --> 00:06:20,808
Why do you keep repeating everything I say?
What's the matter with you?
114
00:06:20,895 --> 00:06:24,012
There's nothing the matter with me, sir.
I just can't quite follow your drift.
115
00:06:24,095 --> 00:06:27,974
Well, a week or so ago, when I was
the acting adjutant, I sent out battalion orders
116
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,364
about the forthcoming ceremonial church parade,
117
00:06:30,455 --> 00:06:33,572
in which I said that all decorations and medals
would be worn.
118
00:06:33,655 --> 00:06:35,964
And, so far, Captain Mainwaring
has not acknowledged it.
119
00:06:36,055 --> 00:06:38,523
-Well, we didn't get it.
-You must have got it.
120
00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:41,891
-Went out about 1 0 days ago, didn't it, Parkins?
-Most definitely, sir.
121
00:06:41,975 --> 00:06:46,366
-Cook delivered it personally.
-Well, I can assure you we didn't get it.
122
00:06:47,135 --> 00:06:49,854
No, wait a minute. Oh, dear.
Yes, I do remember now.
123
00:06:49,935 --> 00:06:51,653
I was.... Yes, that's right.
124
00:06:51,735 --> 00:06:54,090
I was going through some of the papers
with Captain Mainwaring
125
00:06:54,175 --> 00:06:58,168
and he put one of them in this drawer
and he said it was nothing important.
126
00:06:58,255 --> 00:07:00,132
-Have a look in the drawer.
-I can't do that.
127
00:07:00,215 --> 00:07:02,206
Of course you can.
He's left you in charge, hasn't he?
128
00:07:02,295 --> 00:07:04,490
Yes, but I don't think it's quite right.
129
00:07:04,575 --> 00:07:08,932
Such a strange thing for him to do, really.
Most unlike him, you know, he's so meticulous.
130
00:07:09,015 --> 00:07:10,892
(MUTTERING)
131
00:07:10,975 --> 00:07:13,808
There it is, I think. No, it isn't. This is it.
Yes, that.
132
00:07:13,895 --> 00:07:15,613
-I'll soon tell you.
-Is that it?
133
00:07:15,695 --> 00:07:18,129
Yes, of course, it is.
134
00:07:18,215 --> 00:07:21,332
''On the forthcoming ceremonial church parade
on Sunday the 21 st,
135
00:07:21,415 --> 00:07:23,690
''all decorations and medals will be worn.
136
00:07:23,775 --> 00:07:27,768
''Signed, Captain Square, acting adjutant,
pompous idiot.''
137
00:07:27,895 --> 00:07:32,764
-Pompous idiot? Who the devil wrote that?
-No, no, sir, really, it wasn't me.
138
00:07:32,855 --> 00:07:35,927
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
The penny's beginning to drop.
139
00:07:36,495 --> 00:07:40,170
During the last shindig,
I was with Lawrence in the desert,
140
00:07:40,255 --> 00:07:44,487
-fighting Johnny Turk. Who were you fighting?
-Just the usual Germans.
141
00:07:44,935 --> 00:07:48,245
-And what about Mainwaring?
-Well, he wasn't fighting anybody.
142
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,769
He was on the army of occupation after the war.
143
00:07:50,855 --> 00:07:52,208
(CHUCKLING)
144
00:07:53,175 --> 00:07:57,487
As I suspected. No wonder he never read out
those orders. Hasn't got any medals.
145
00:07:57,575 --> 00:08:00,647
He didn't want the other chaps
to wear their medals, dog in the manger.
146
00:08:00,735 --> 00:08:04,523
If nobody else is wearing their medals,
no one will know that he hasn't got any medals.
147
00:08:04,615 --> 00:08:07,334
-Doesn't want to be shown up.
-I wonder if you're right.
148
00:08:07,415 --> 00:08:09,565
Of course I'm right, my dear fellow. Listen to this.
149
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:13,250
Tonight when you dismiss this parade,
you'll read out that order loud and clear.
150
00:08:13,335 --> 00:08:14,563
-You understand?
-Of course.
151
00:08:14,655 --> 00:08:16,054
Good. Carry on, Parkins.
152
00:08:16,135 --> 00:08:19,571
-Now, that's an order, it's an order.
-All right, good night.
153
00:08:19,935 --> 00:08:24,611
Yes, ''All decorations and medals will be worn.
Signed, Captain Square...
154
00:08:24,695 --> 00:08:26,253
''pompous idiot.''
155
00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:31,488
He's a lIttle boy....
156
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,369
(KNOCKING)
157
00:08:33,455 --> 00:08:35,491
MAINWARING: Come in.
158
00:08:35,575 --> 00:08:36,974
Ah, sir....
159
00:08:37,055 --> 00:08:42,049
Well, the men are sort of lined up on parade, sir,
if you'd care to cast an eye over them.
160
00:08:42,375 --> 00:08:44,206
Cast an eye over them?
161
00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:48,051
They're not a balance sheet, Wilson.
They're a trained fighting unit.
162
00:08:48,135 --> 00:08:51,172
-Right, sir.
-And you're supposed to be their sergeant.
163
00:08:51,975 --> 00:08:54,569
For heaven's sake, pull yourself together, Wilson.
164
00:08:54,655 --> 00:08:57,852
Get your shoulders back and your chin in.
Stand up like a man.
165
00:08:57,935 --> 00:08:59,971
-Is that better?
-Not really, no.
166
00:09:01,895 --> 00:09:03,886
Platoon, attention!
167
00:09:07,295 --> 00:09:09,445
Platoon ready for inspection, sir.
168
00:09:09,535 --> 00:09:11,924
-Thank you, Corporal.
-Thank you, sir.
169
00:09:29,455 --> 00:09:31,491
Very smart, Corporal.
170
00:09:31,575 --> 00:09:34,806
-Who gave you permission to wear those medals?
-Sergeant Wilson, sir.
171
00:09:34,895 --> 00:09:38,046
In addition,
he ordered them to wear theirs as well as also.
172
00:09:40,575 --> 00:09:42,645
-What are you up to?
-I beg your pardon?
173
00:09:42,735 --> 00:09:44,965
-You trying to undermine my authority?
-Not at all, sir.
174
00:09:45,055 --> 00:09:48,127
-It was a battalion order, I merely passed it on.
-I see.
175
00:09:48,215 --> 00:09:50,251
You've not heard the last of this, Wilson.
176
00:09:50,335 --> 00:09:53,008
-See me in the office after the parade.
-All right.
177
00:09:53,095 --> 00:09:55,734
Are you entitled to all that ironmongery?
178
00:09:55,815 --> 00:09:57,487
That's not iron, sir.
179
00:09:57,575 --> 00:10:01,011
That there's the Khedive's Star, sir.
That was personally presented to me
180
00:10:01,095 --> 00:10:05,134
by the Khedive in Egypt
in the first Sudanese campaign, sir.
181
00:10:05,215 --> 00:10:09,731
I want you to understand, sir, that in that
campaign we was not fighting the Egyptians.
182
00:10:09,815 --> 00:10:11,771
They was on our side, sir.
183
00:10:11,855 --> 00:10:15,768
And they was fighting the Mad Mahdi,
and he was fighting General Gordon.
184
00:10:15,855 --> 00:10:18,608
So that meant
that we was fighting the Mad Mahdi
185
00:10:18,695 --> 00:10:22,893
'cause General Gordon was on the same side
as us, him being British, you see, sir?
186
00:10:22,975 --> 00:10:25,933
-You follow me so far, sir?
-Yes, thank you, Corporal.
187
00:10:26,735 --> 00:10:28,805
That there's the Queen's Sudan Medal, sir.
188
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:32,854
That was presented to me at the second
Sudanese campaign against the Mad Mahdi, sir.
189
00:10:32,935 --> 00:10:36,211
-Yes, very interesting.
-I haven't come to the exciting bit yet....
190
00:10:36,295 --> 00:10:37,887
All right, later.
191
00:10:39,535 --> 00:10:43,608
Is that an authentic decoration
or is it some foreign thing?
192
00:10:44,615 --> 00:10:47,766
That, sir,
is the Polar Medal for the Shackleton Expedition.
193
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:51,450
-Really?
-A wild and lonely place it was, sir.
194
00:10:52,935 --> 00:10:56,325
Nothing for the eye to behold but ice and snow.
195
00:10:57,575 --> 00:11:00,726
-So they made the ribbon white.
-Very appropriate.
196
00:11:01,375 --> 00:11:04,412
I notice you're not wearing your medals,
Captain Mainwaring.
197
00:11:04,495 --> 00:11:07,931
-Did you leave them at home?
-No talking in the ranks, Frazer.
198
00:11:09,095 --> 00:11:10,733
Permission to speak, sir.
199
00:11:10,815 --> 00:11:14,569
Sir, that Mad Mahdi what we was fighting
in the second Sudanese campaign
200
00:11:14,655 --> 00:11:18,443
is not the same Mad Mahdi as what we fought
in the first campaign.
201
00:11:18,535 --> 00:11:20,730
That was his son what he begat.
202
00:11:23,175 --> 00:11:24,767
-I see, thank you.
-Yes, sir.
203
00:11:24,855 --> 00:11:29,326
In my opinion, sir, he wasn't mad at all,
but you know how people talk.
204
00:11:29,415 --> 00:11:31,645
Yes, they do.
205
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:35,848
Mind you, he was mad enough
the day he had his horse shot from under him.
206
00:11:35,935 --> 00:11:37,926
He was madder that day, I reckon.
207
00:11:38,015 --> 00:11:41,166
He was madder
than the first Mad Mahdi was that day, sir.
208
00:11:41,255 --> 00:11:43,530
But I mustn't keep you, sir.
You got your work to do.
209
00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:52,293
I thought you didn't approve
of wearing these things, Godfrey.
210
00:11:52,375 --> 00:11:56,129
It was an order, sir, and I didn't want
to upset you by appearing bare-breasted.
211
00:11:58,575 --> 00:12:01,009
You wouldn't have upset me, I can assure you.
212
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,767
They've come up quite nicely, haven't they?
213
00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:06,370
My sister Dolly had a go at them
with powdered chalk and vinegar.
214
00:12:06,455 --> 00:12:10,289
Mind you, lemon juice would have been better,
but we couldn't get any lemons.
215
00:12:10,375 --> 00:12:12,366
Thank you, I'll bear that in mind.
216
00:12:12,975 --> 00:12:14,931
What's all that rubbish?
217
00:12:15,575 --> 00:12:17,167
My Scout badges.
218
00:12:18,975 --> 00:12:21,045
-Scout badges?
-Yes.
219
00:12:21,655 --> 00:12:23,452
That's my Tenderfoot.
220
00:12:24,375 --> 00:12:29,927
That's Knots and Splices, First Aid, Fire-Making
and that one's Elementary Tracking.
221
00:12:31,455 --> 00:12:35,004
-Get them off as soon as this parade's over.
-Well, I didn't want to put them on.
222
00:12:35,095 --> 00:12:36,653
No, it was my mum.
223
00:12:36,735 --> 00:12:40,808
She said if Uncle Arthur.... Sergeant Wilson
was going to show off, I've got to show off, too.
224
00:12:40,895 --> 00:12:45,366
Yes. Fortunately, Sergeant Wilson
has more sense.... Wilson! What are you doing?
225
00:12:45,455 --> 00:12:47,286
Well, I'm entitled to them.
226
00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:50,128
You're not entitled to get dressed
while I'm inspecting the troops.
227
00:12:50,215 --> 00:12:51,534
Oh, I see.
228
00:12:52,335 --> 00:12:53,484
Walker.
229
00:12:56,495 --> 00:12:59,055
This isn't a musical comedy, you know.
230
00:12:59,975 --> 00:13:02,614
-Get that off.
-Hang on, Mr Mainwaring.
231
00:13:02,695 --> 00:13:05,528
That's the Sacred Order of the Golden Kris
of Abu Dhabi.
232
00:13:05,615 --> 00:13:09,813
-Given to you by the Sheik of Araby, I suppose.
-Now, as a matter of fact, he was a sheik.
233
00:13:09,895 --> 00:13:13,888
And he had 34 wives.
He was staying in this posh hotel in Park Lane.
234
00:13:13,975 --> 00:13:16,489
Now, I was on the hall porter staff at the time,
you see,
235
00:13:16,575 --> 00:13:19,373
and one day,
he hadn't brought any of his wives with him.
236
00:13:19,455 --> 00:13:22,606
So this prime minister, he comes up to me,
he was an Arab and all, and he says,
237
00:13:22,695 --> 00:13:26,654
''Here, can you fix him up with a bird?''
So I say, ''I don't know. I'll see what I can do.''
238
00:13:26,735 --> 00:13:30,125
So I gets on the blower,
I gets on the blower to a friend of mine,
239
00:13:30,215 --> 00:13:31,887
and he was very grateful.
240
00:13:31,975 --> 00:13:34,409
He gave me this, a kiss on both cheeks
and 1 0 quid.
241
00:13:37,695 --> 00:13:40,084
I can't stand any more of this.
242
00:13:40,175 --> 00:13:42,370
Wilson, dismiss this parade
and see me in the office.
243
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:45,174
All right, sir. Right.
Pay attention, will you, please.
244
00:13:45,255 --> 00:13:47,815
I would like to say
on behalf of Captain Mainwaring and myself,
245
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:52,491
how very grateful we are for the trouble you have
taken in your appearance in this parade tonight.
246
00:13:52,575 --> 00:13:54,725
-Wilson!
-You all look absolutely lovely.
247
00:13:55,455 --> 00:13:57,446
Okay, same time, same place tomorrow,
248
00:13:57,535 --> 00:14:01,050
and do please try and get here at the right time.
Will you do that? All right.
249
00:14:01,135 --> 00:14:03,285
-Wilson, get in here!
-Right.
250
00:14:05,175 --> 00:14:06,733
Shut the door.
251
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:09,807
Come here.
252
00:14:13,495 --> 00:14:16,248
-How dare you?
-I beg your pardon?
253
00:14:16,335 --> 00:14:18,690
How dare you go over my head
in this underhand fashion!
254
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,845
There's no need to make such a fuss about it, sir.
255
00:14:20,935 --> 00:14:24,211
After all, it was a battalion order
and I merely passed it on. That was all.
256
00:14:24,295 --> 00:14:26,411
-It was in my pending drawer.
-I know it was.
257
00:14:26,495 --> 00:14:29,009
You've no authority to rummage
in my pending drawer.
258
00:14:29,095 --> 00:14:31,893
-No, but....
-Oh, blimey! Typical English summer, isn't it?
259
00:14:31,975 --> 00:14:35,763
-What the hell do you want?
-And happy Christmas to you, too.
260
00:14:35,855 --> 00:14:39,370
Look, do you mind not dripping
all over my part two orders?
261
00:14:39,455 --> 00:14:40,683
Sorry.
262
00:14:42,495 --> 00:14:46,613
I do not approve of these medals
sprawling across everybody's chest.
263
00:14:46,695 --> 00:14:50,051
It's this war that counts, not the one before,
or the one before that.
264
00:14:50,135 --> 00:14:54,048
-What's the matter? Didn't they give you any?
-We're not discussing me.
265
00:14:54,135 --> 00:14:57,411
In fact, we're not discussing anything with you.
Get out of my orderly room.
266
00:14:57,495 --> 00:15:00,487
Just a minute, this is a vicar's office
and he gives me permission
267
00:15:00,575 --> 00:15:02,645
to hang my hat in here anytime I choose.
268
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,965
He wants to get some service in, don't he?
269
00:15:05,055 --> 00:15:08,445
And I've got a lecture on
in here tonight so keep your voice down.
270
00:15:08,535 --> 00:15:12,289
-What a common man he is.
-Oh, I know, he's absolutely awful.
271
00:15:12,375 --> 00:15:15,412
Nevertheless, you know,
he was with us in the last lot.
272
00:15:15,495 --> 00:15:17,963
-What do you mean?
-He was wearing his '1 4-'1 8 medals.
273
00:15:18,055 --> 00:15:21,843
That's just the sort of thing I don't approve of.
Gallantry is one thing,
274
00:15:21,935 --> 00:15:25,814
but issuing these bits of brass for any tin-pot
campaign just because people were there,
275
00:15:25,895 --> 00:15:29,092
-just makes a mockery of the whole thing.
-Well, I wouldn't....
276
00:15:30,775 --> 00:15:32,606
Do you mind?
277
00:15:33,135 --> 00:15:34,773
Good evening, Mr Mainwaring.
278
00:15:34,855 --> 00:15:38,291
Would you have any objection
if I have a ferret in the vicar's drawers?
279
00:15:39,735 --> 00:15:43,728
-Do you have to do it now? I'm rather busy.
-He wants his medals for Sunday parade.
280
00:15:43,815 --> 00:15:46,170
I think they are in the top left.
281
00:15:46,255 --> 00:15:49,804
Ah, here they are. Pip, Squeak and Wilfred.
282
00:15:51,855 --> 00:15:55,768
They'll set his surplus off a treat when
he's conducting the community hymn singing.
283
00:15:56,215 --> 00:15:58,775
There you are. That's precisely what I mean.
284
00:15:59,295 --> 00:16:01,604
What on earth did he do to earn those?
285
00:16:01,695 --> 00:16:06,211
Sing two verses of Rock of Ages in a French field,
and they came up with the rations?
286
00:16:06,295 --> 00:16:07,808
There's no harm done, sir.
287
00:16:07,895 --> 00:16:10,568
I think it's rather marvellous
when we have parades like this
288
00:16:10,655 --> 00:16:14,091
and people like Captain Square can go
striding out at the head of their platoon
289
00:16:14,175 --> 00:16:15,733
with their gongs waving in the breeze.
290
00:16:15,815 --> 00:16:17,646
Oh, yes. He'll love every second of it.
291
00:16:17,735 --> 00:16:20,886
On the other hand, it can't be quite so much fun
for those of us who...
292
00:16:20,975 --> 00:16:24,206
well, who haven't got any medals.
293
00:16:24,615 --> 00:16:28,608
-How do you mean?
-Like Private Pike, you see.
294
00:16:30,175 --> 00:16:32,564
-You're dismissed, Sergeant Wilson.
-All right.
295
00:16:32,655 --> 00:16:35,647
-Go and polish your medals up for Sunday.
-Aye, sir.
296
00:16:35,735 --> 00:16:38,488
-You better polish your cap badge.
-I said you were dismissed!
297
00:16:41,775 --> 00:16:44,289
Here comes the bogey man....
298
00:16:45,575 --> 00:16:49,170
Well, there we stood, face to face.
299
00:16:49,895 --> 00:16:53,888
My eyes looking into his eyes
and his eyes looking into my eyes.
300
00:16:53,975 --> 00:16:57,251
Then I saw his eyes flicker
301
00:16:57,335 --> 00:16:59,929
and I pressed home my advantage.
302
00:17:00,335 --> 00:17:03,884
I asked him, all innocent like,
303
00:17:03,975 --> 00:17:07,411
''Are you not wearing your medals,
Captain Mainwaring?''
304
00:17:10,015 --> 00:17:13,928
Of course, I knew all the time
that he had none to wear.
305
00:17:14,615 --> 00:17:16,367
Oh, hush my voice, my voice.
306
00:17:19,015 --> 00:17:23,406
I can hardly wait to see everybody's face
307
00:17:23,495 --> 00:17:29,047
when he turns up in front of the whole battalion
with no medals.
308
00:17:29,735 --> 00:17:33,205
Aye, he cannae worm out of this.
309
00:17:33,295 --> 00:17:38,289
To every man that sins, comes nemesis.
310
00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:40,854
Aye.
311
00:17:41,095 --> 00:17:42,653
Here comes the bogey man....
312
00:17:44,735 --> 00:17:47,295
You know,
I can't help feeling sorry for Captain Mainwaring.
313
00:17:47,375 --> 00:17:50,014
I mean,
it's not his fault he's got no medals, is it?
314
00:17:50,095 --> 00:17:55,123
It's a perfect disgrace, man.
Us being led by a man with nothing up here.
315
00:17:55,855 --> 00:17:58,528
Mind you, he's got nothing up here, either, but....
316
00:17:59,135 --> 00:18:01,046
Perhaps we ought to take our medals down,
317
00:18:01,135 --> 00:18:03,524
you know, then Mr Mainwaring
won't feel so out of place.
318
00:18:03,615 --> 00:18:05,367
Morning, everybody.
319
00:18:07,175 --> 00:18:09,450
-Fall the men in, Sergeant, please.
-Aye, sir.
320
00:18:12,455 --> 00:18:15,288
-Fall the men in.
-Right, would you mind?
321
00:18:15,415 --> 00:18:18,851
Would you mind doing that, please?
Just fall in, please.
322
00:18:18,935 --> 00:18:21,290
I have a very important announcement
to make to the platoon.
323
00:18:21,375 --> 00:18:23,127
-What's that, sir?
-All in good time.
324
00:18:23,215 --> 00:18:25,683
All right, sir. Platoon, attention!
325
00:18:25,775 --> 00:18:29,290
Try and get it right, Jonesy.
Ready for inspection, sir.
326
00:18:35,015 --> 00:18:36,892
Stand easy.
327
00:18:36,975 --> 00:18:41,810
Very smart, men. Credit to the platoon.
Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you.
328
00:18:42,415 --> 00:18:43,643
(CLEARING THROAT)
329
00:18:43,735 --> 00:18:47,091
Owing to circumstances beyond my control,
330
00:18:47,175 --> 00:18:50,053
I shan't be able to be with you
on the parade this morning.
331
00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:55,810
My...dear lady wife,
knowing that this was a very important parade,
332
00:18:55,895 --> 00:18:58,887
sent my uniform to the cleaners.
333
00:18:58,975 --> 00:19:03,890
And she didn't tell me this until we were
sitting down to lunch yesterday, Saturday.
334
00:19:04,855 --> 00:19:07,130
I dashed round at once, of course,
335
00:19:07,215 --> 00:19:11,447
but as you know, the cleaners shut at lunch time
on Saturdays and, unfortunately, I was too late.
336
00:19:12,815 --> 00:19:16,490
Had I had a second uniform, of course,
it would have been a different matter.
337
00:19:16,575 --> 00:19:19,692
-Come along, Pike, fall in, you're very late.
-I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
338
00:19:19,775 --> 00:19:22,448
-I've got something for you.
-Oh, yes? What's that?
339
00:19:22,535 --> 00:19:26,323
On my way home from the bank yesterday
lunch time, I had to call in the cleaners
340
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:30,374
and pick up something and I saw your
uniform hanging there so I brought it for you.
341
00:19:37,855 --> 00:19:39,766
It's two and three.
342
00:19:43,095 --> 00:19:46,371
Yes, well, thank you very much indeed, Pike.
It's very kind of you.
343
00:19:46,455 --> 00:19:48,446
But, unfortunately, it doesn't help.
344
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:51,811
-There isn't time to change.
-WILSON: The parade's not till 1 0:00, sir.
345
00:19:51,895 --> 00:19:55,092
You've got 20 minutes
and we don't mind waiting for you.
346
00:19:55,175 --> 00:19:57,086
-Do we?
-No.
347
00:19:58,815 --> 00:20:00,692
WILSON: Not at all.
348
00:20:05,295 --> 00:20:09,732
The lIght-hearted gaykInd of charm you dIsplay
349
00:20:09,815 --> 00:20:12,283
That's for me
350
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:16,446
The wonderful slylIttle trIck wIth your eye....
351
00:20:16,535 --> 00:20:18,651
Three halves of bitter, one and three.
352
00:20:18,735 --> 00:20:21,454
-Thank you, Shirley.
-No, no. Have this with me here, Walker.
353
00:20:21,535 --> 00:20:23,014
Thank you, sir.
354
00:20:23,095 --> 00:20:26,610
-Care for a drink, Verger? It's my round.
-That's very civil of you, sir.
355
00:20:26,695 --> 00:20:30,085
Make it a lemonade shandy.
Not too much beer, Shirley.
356
00:20:30,175 --> 00:20:31,893
Mustn't forget it's the Lord's Day.
357
00:20:31,975 --> 00:20:34,170
The Lord's Day, yeah. What about you, Vicar?
358
00:20:34,255 --> 00:20:36,723
Oh, how very kind.
I'll have a double scotch, please.
359
00:20:40,455 --> 00:20:42,844
A double scotch as well, Shirley, please.
360
00:20:42,935 --> 00:20:45,165
If you're in the chair,
I'll have a double scotch and all.
361
00:20:45,255 --> 00:20:47,974
I don't think I extended the invitation to you.
362
00:20:48,055 --> 00:20:49,249
Colonel?
363
00:20:49,935 --> 00:20:50,970
Colonel?
364
00:20:51,055 --> 00:20:54,252
-Yes?
-You care for a drink with Number One platoon?
365
00:20:54,335 --> 00:20:56,246
No, thanks. Square here has lined them up for us.
366
00:20:56,335 --> 00:21:00,374
Make it a single for His Reverence.
He's a martyr to it, you know.
367
00:21:01,055 --> 00:21:02,044
Is he?
368
00:21:02,455 --> 00:21:05,731
-We don't want a scene, do we?
-No, no, of course not.
369
00:21:06,695 --> 00:21:10,449
Shirley, make that a single, will you?
370
00:21:12,335 --> 00:21:15,213
Well, Mainwaring, did you enjoy the parade?
371
00:21:15,815 --> 00:21:18,124
Yes, thought it was a really smart turnout,
didn't you?
372
00:21:18,215 --> 00:21:22,333
Yes, indeed. Sorry you chaps were behind us.
We couldn't see your drill.
373
00:21:22,415 --> 00:21:25,612
-But we heard them, didn't we?
-Oh, yes, yes we heard them.
374
00:21:25,695 --> 00:21:26,764
Late, eh?
375
00:21:27,895 --> 00:21:31,092
Yes, well, unfortunately the wind
was blowing away from us.
376
00:21:31,175 --> 00:21:33,769
Some of us had difficulty in hearing
the word of command.
377
00:21:33,855 --> 00:21:37,291
-Yeah.
-I think some of you had difficulty in marching.
378
00:21:38,975 --> 00:21:42,490
-Just let's ignore him, Wilson.
-Yes, well I was actually.
379
00:21:42,575 --> 00:21:46,204
I'll tell you what, Mainwaring,
next time we have a parade like this,
380
00:21:46,295 --> 00:21:50,607
you must ask the Colonel here
if your chaps can do it in bath chairs.
381
00:21:53,575 --> 00:21:57,011
Now that's not fair. Captain Mainwaring
was striding out like a two-year-old.
382
00:21:57,095 --> 00:21:59,484
Yes, he was.
I thought you really looked awfully smart, sir.
383
00:21:59,575 --> 00:22:03,534
Of course, sir. He didn't have as much weight
to carry as you, Captain Square.
384
00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,446
Him not having any medals, like.
385
00:22:05,895 --> 00:22:08,489
When Hitler arrives,
it'll be fighting efficiency that counts.
386
00:22:08,575 --> 00:22:10,247
-Be no use waving medals in his face.
-Yeah.
387
00:22:10,335 --> 00:22:13,691
It'll be a damn sight better
than waving your pension books.
388
00:22:15,695 --> 00:22:18,129
My men could wipe the floor with yours any day.
389
00:22:18,215 --> 00:22:22,527
They're fitter and a damned sight better trained,
and what's more, they're better led.
390
00:22:22,615 --> 00:22:23,934
WALKER: Hear, hear.
391
00:22:24,015 --> 00:22:26,734
That's fighting talk, ain't it, Colonel?
392
00:22:26,815 --> 00:22:29,773
We can outshoot you, outthink you,
and run rings round you.
393
00:22:29,855 --> 00:22:33,291
Because we're not stifled with old-fashioned
ideas and Colonel Blimp mentality.
394
00:22:33,375 --> 00:22:35,172
You tell him, Mr Mainwaring. Go on, tell him.
395
00:22:35,255 --> 00:22:38,770
By Jove, Mainwaring,
you will prove that or apologise.
396
00:22:38,855 --> 00:22:42,006
Well, I certainly won't apologise,
and we can't prove it till the Boche arrive.
397
00:22:42,095 --> 00:22:43,813
We don't have to wait for that, you know.
398
00:22:43,895 --> 00:22:46,489
There's always the battle course,
the field firing range.
399
00:22:46,575 --> 00:22:49,772
-And we can easily think up some initiative tests.
-Damn good idea.
400
00:22:49,855 --> 00:22:53,814
I accept. How about you, Mainwaring?
You're going to accept or are you backing down?
401
00:22:53,895 --> 00:22:56,648
-We're not backing down.
-Of course we accept.
402
00:22:57,295 --> 00:23:00,014
I want to see this, here.
Can I be an umpire, Colonel?
403
00:23:00,095 --> 00:23:02,848
I mean, I'm civil defence.
I won't be biased, will I?
404
00:23:02,935 --> 00:23:04,926
The verger and I will be umpires, as well.
405
00:23:05,015 --> 00:23:07,245
And the fact that you have only bought me
a single scotch
406
00:23:07,335 --> 00:23:09,326
will have no effect on my judgement whatsoever.
407
00:23:10,775 --> 00:23:13,653
-Settled then. We accept, don't we, sir?
-Yes, of course we accept.
408
00:23:13,735 --> 00:23:15,930
All right. Now I have only one condition to make.
409
00:23:16,015 --> 00:23:19,894
And that is, that every man who took part
in the parade today, takes part in the test.
410
00:23:19,975 --> 00:23:22,967
-Sounds fair to me, Mainwaring.
-Yes, all right. I think it's very fair.
411
00:23:23,055 --> 00:23:25,410
-Don't you, Wilson?
-Yes, I do. I think it's very fair, indeed.
412
00:23:25,495 --> 00:23:28,851
Very fair, indeed. Yes.
Just means we'll lose, that's all.
413
00:23:30,415 --> 00:23:34,090
There's a land of begIn agaIn
414
00:23:34,295 --> 00:23:37,571
on the other sIde of the hIll....
415
00:23:40,695 --> 00:23:42,287
Pay attention, everyone.
416
00:23:42,375 --> 00:23:45,367
Pay attention. Pay attention, there. Pay attention.
417
00:23:46,975 --> 00:23:48,806
They're paying attention, sir.
418
00:23:50,215 --> 00:23:51,694
Thank you, Corporal.
419
00:23:52,815 --> 00:23:56,774
Well, now the details of the tests against
the Eastgate platoon are to hand.
420
00:23:57,015 --> 00:23:58,812
And we can now put you in the picture.
421
00:23:58,895 --> 00:24:01,693
I've no doubt you would agree
that you hear quite enough of my voice.
422
00:24:01,775 --> 00:24:03,811
-Hear, hear.
-Watch it, Walker.
423
00:24:06,015 --> 00:24:08,688
So I'm going to ask Sergeant Wilson
to brief you all.
424
00:24:08,775 --> 00:24:10,925
-You carry on, Sergeant.
-Thank you very much, sir.
425
00:24:11,015 --> 00:24:13,290
Do you think I could borrow your little stick?
426
00:24:14,135 --> 00:24:15,363
Certainly not.
427
00:24:17,815 --> 00:24:19,692
Right. Well, now.
428
00:24:20,335 --> 00:24:24,726
Both platoon commanders will start here
in their platoon vans.
429
00:24:25,015 --> 00:24:27,404
-Well, tell them about the map references.
-I beg your pardon.
430
00:24:27,495 --> 00:24:29,850
-The map references.
-Yes, all right, I was going to.
431
00:24:29,935 --> 00:24:34,292
Now before the start, both platoon commanders
will be given a map reference,
432
00:24:34,375 --> 00:24:37,765
and we have to get there and to find the place
as quickly as we can. Right?
433
00:24:37,855 --> 00:24:38,890
Using maps.
434
00:24:38,975 --> 00:24:40,044
-Beg your pardon?
-Using maps.
435
00:24:40,135 --> 00:24:42,205
Yes, but I would have thought that
that was rather obvious.
436
00:24:42,295 --> 00:24:44,206
-Nothing is obvious, Sergeant.
-No, of course it isn't.
437
00:24:44,295 --> 00:24:46,934
-Carry on.
-Yes, quite. Oh, Lord.
438
00:24:47,535 --> 00:24:49,287
-Where did I get to?
-Practically nowhere.
439
00:24:49,375 --> 00:24:52,526
No, but you see.
You keep on interrupting, you see,
440
00:24:52,615 --> 00:24:55,925
-and it's very difficult for me to....
-Initiative tests.
441
00:24:56,015 --> 00:24:57,494
Right. Initiative tests. Right.
442
00:24:57,575 --> 00:24:59,725
Now here we get to Point B. Point B here,
443
00:24:59,815 --> 00:25:02,568
where we shall all be given our initiative tests.
444
00:25:02,655 --> 00:25:04,725
-Right?
-Excuse me, Uncle Sergeant.
445
00:25:04,815 --> 00:25:05,850
Yes?
446
00:25:08,495 --> 00:25:11,248
In what type of form
will the initiative tests be put?
447
00:25:11,335 --> 00:25:13,849
-Yes, well I....
-Perhaps I better answer that question.
448
00:25:14,655 --> 00:25:18,125
Naturally, we don't know the form
the initiative tests will take.
449
00:25:18,615 --> 00:25:21,812
Otherwise we wouldn't be able to use
our initiative, would we?
450
00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:23,044
Thank you very much.
451
00:25:24,215 --> 00:25:25,443
Stupid boy.
452
00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,084
-Very well, sir. Can I go on now?
-Carry on.
453
00:25:29,175 --> 00:25:31,814
Right. Thank you. We then cross the river here,
454
00:25:31,895 --> 00:25:34,807
and then we double cross the battle course there.
455
00:25:34,895 --> 00:25:38,126
Then we fire five rounds of ammunition
at the target.
456
00:25:38,215 --> 00:25:41,366
-Live ammunition, of course.
-Yes, of course. Live ammunition at the target.
457
00:25:41,455 --> 00:25:44,015
Then we rush across to this tower here,
458
00:25:44,095 --> 00:25:45,813
then we climb up onto the roof,
459
00:25:45,895 --> 00:25:50,047
and run out the platoon flag which Private Walker
has most kindly had made for us.
460
00:25:50,135 --> 00:25:52,205
-And there it is.
-By the way, that came to three quid.
461
00:25:53,815 --> 00:25:55,248
Three pounds?
462
00:25:56,135 --> 00:25:59,047
-That's a bit stiff, isn't it?
-You were lucky.
463
00:25:59,255 --> 00:26:02,292
I charged the Eastgate platoon a fiver
for making theirs.
464
00:26:04,775 --> 00:26:08,450
And the first platoon, of course,
to run their flag out onto the pole
465
00:26:09,095 --> 00:26:10,369
will be the winners.
466
00:26:10,455 --> 00:26:12,685
-Now is that all quite clear?
-Yes.
467
00:26:12,775 --> 00:26:14,254
Captain Mainwaring, sir?
468
00:26:14,335 --> 00:26:17,247
-I foresee one wee snag.
-All right. What's that?
469
00:26:17,775 --> 00:26:21,688
While we're rushing here and there,
and running the flag up the pole...
470
00:26:21,775 --> 00:26:24,494
old Godfrey
will still be trying to climb out of the van.
471
00:26:25,855 --> 00:26:28,972
Come, come.
That's a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it?
472
00:26:29,055 --> 00:26:33,367
No, it's no exaggeration. It's plain for all to see.
The man's decrepit. No offence.
473
00:26:35,495 --> 00:26:39,283
I admit I'm not as agile as I was,
and my feet are rather bad,
474
00:26:39,375 --> 00:26:42,606
-but I'm very determined.
-Don't you worry, Mr Godfrey, we'll help you.
475
00:26:42,695 --> 00:26:44,094
Yeah, we'll help you.
476
00:26:44,175 --> 00:26:46,973
He's a millstone round our necks
and you all know it.
477
00:26:47,055 --> 00:26:49,285
It's folly to take him with us. Sheer folly.
478
00:26:49,375 --> 00:26:51,969
Well, I'm afraid there's nothing
to be done about it now, Frazer.
479
00:26:52,055 --> 00:26:54,171
He was on the parade.
Therefore, he must go on the test.
480
00:26:54,255 --> 00:26:55,324
Must he?
481
00:26:55,415 --> 00:27:00,011
It's my opinion if he had one spark of loyalty
to the rest of us he'd break a leg.
482
00:27:02,135 --> 00:27:03,614
Nothing personal, my old friend.
483
00:27:03,695 --> 00:27:06,448
It's just, I'm speaking for the good
of the platoon, you understand?
484
00:27:06,535 --> 00:27:10,528
-He can't go around breaking legs at his age.
-Well, a finger wouldn't be so serious.
485
00:27:10,615 --> 00:27:13,766
No, a finger is no good.
He could still walk with his arm in a sling.
486
00:27:13,855 --> 00:27:15,447
No, it has to be a leg.
487
00:27:15,535 --> 00:27:19,574
-I'm willing to help in anyway possible.
-Good. That's it then.
488
00:27:19,855 --> 00:27:24,087
-The only question is, how?
-Oh, sit down and don't be ridiculous, Frazer.
489
00:27:24,375 --> 00:27:26,331
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes, Corporal.
490
00:27:26,415 --> 00:27:31,364
In Victorian times gone past, sir,
Dr Livingstone and other exploring gentlemen
491
00:27:31,455 --> 00:27:34,253
used to be carried on a chair, between two poles.
492
00:27:34,735 --> 00:27:38,330
I don't mean Poles the people, you know, sir.
We didn't have them in Africa.
493
00:27:38,855 --> 00:27:40,607
I mean bamboo poles, sir.
494
00:27:40,695 --> 00:27:44,165
And four, strong, native chaps used to carry
these gentlemen in these chairs,
495
00:27:44,255 --> 00:27:46,723
and I suggest we carry Mr Godfrey
in that manner.
496
00:27:47,095 --> 00:27:50,007
-Who's going to carry you?
-Don't start on me.
497
00:27:51,415 --> 00:27:53,451
Sit down. Sit down.
498
00:27:53,775 --> 00:27:54,969
Sit down.
499
00:27:56,335 --> 00:27:58,690
As a matter of fact,
I think that's a very good idea.
500
00:27:58,775 --> 00:28:00,413
-Don't you, Wilson?
-Yes, I do. I do, indeed.
501
00:28:00,495 --> 00:28:02,963
-I think it's really rather quaint.
-Right.
502
00:28:03,815 --> 00:28:05,726
-Put that in hand, will you?
-Yes, I will please.
503
00:28:05,815 --> 00:28:08,375
Right.
That disposes of the Godfrey embarrassment.
504
00:28:08,455 --> 00:28:10,411
Make that no offence, Godfrey.
505
00:28:10,815 --> 00:28:14,012
You know, that's what I like about this platoon.
We have very agile minds,
506
00:28:14,095 --> 00:28:16,734
which enables us to surmount all our difficulties.
507
00:28:16,815 --> 00:28:19,534
We're going to run rings
round that Eastgate mob,
508
00:28:19,615 --> 00:28:21,924
and send them home
with their tails between their legs.
509
00:28:22,015 --> 00:28:23,733
-Are you all with me?
-Yes.
510
00:28:23,815 --> 00:28:25,248
Right. That's all. Dismissed.
511
00:28:25,335 --> 00:28:26,848
I still think if Godfrey's willing....
512
00:28:28,095 --> 00:28:31,053
England, our Island home....
513
00:28:31,375 --> 00:28:32,490
Your flags.
514
00:28:33,535 --> 00:28:35,014
All right. Now listen.
515
00:28:35,095 --> 00:28:37,893
The vicar here will read out
the map reference once.
516
00:28:38,215 --> 00:28:41,332
You will then write it down
and run back to your vehicles.
517
00:28:41,415 --> 00:28:43,929
The verger will then give you a signal to start.
518
00:28:47,015 --> 00:28:48,164
Right, Vicar.
519
00:28:48,255 --> 00:28:52,328
Now I shall only read this once.
So you must listen very carefully.
520
00:28:52,615 --> 00:28:54,367
-Are you ready?
-Oh, get on with it.
521
00:28:54,575 --> 00:28:58,045
-Don't you start, Mainwaring.
-Right. Here we go.
522
00:29:00,735 --> 00:29:02,805
And the map reference is...
523
00:29:03,735 --> 00:29:05,054
(EXHALING)
524
00:29:06,655 --> 00:29:08,771
629,
525
00:29:09,095 --> 00:29:11,165
571 .
526
00:29:11,495 --> 00:29:13,133
-Right.
-Right. Come on.
527
00:29:27,335 --> 00:29:30,611
Mr Hodges, Mr Hodges,
look what they've done to my flag.
528
00:29:41,695 --> 00:29:44,687
-Er, is it safe?
-Of course it is. Get on.
529
00:29:48,375 --> 00:29:51,173
Do you mind if I put my arms round you,
Mr Hodges?
530
00:30:19,255 --> 00:30:21,815
The Eastgate platoon turned to the right.
531
00:30:22,735 --> 00:30:25,533
-Are you sure you're going the right way, Frazer?
-Of course I am.
532
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:28,925
If you think you could do any better,
you're perfectly welcome to try.
533
00:30:29,295 --> 00:30:30,774
Can't we go any faster, Jones?
534
00:30:30,855 --> 00:30:33,574
We're doing 28 miles an hour.
What more do you want?
535
00:30:33,655 --> 00:30:35,008
I beg you pardon.
536
00:30:35,215 --> 00:30:37,854
-What is it, Godfrey?
-If you think I might be excused?
537
00:30:37,935 --> 00:30:40,654
Certainly not. Get you head inside at once.
538
00:30:41,335 --> 00:30:43,212
Are you sure we can't go any faster, Jones?
539
00:30:43,295 --> 00:30:46,651
-Hit your foot hard on the floorboard.
-I got me foot on the floorboard.
540
00:30:46,735 --> 00:30:48,134
(STUTTERING)
541
00:30:48,375 --> 00:30:50,764
What's the matter? What is it?
542
00:30:54,215 --> 00:30:55,933
Jones, what are you doing?
543
00:30:56,015 --> 00:30:59,166
-(STAMMERING) Permission to speak, sir.
-What is it?
544
00:30:59,695 --> 00:31:03,927
-I'm afraid I got the old trouble back again, sir.
-What's that?
545
00:31:04,015 --> 00:31:05,368
(STUTTERING)
546
00:31:06,015 --> 00:31:07,084
What?
547
00:31:08,095 --> 00:31:11,167
-Malaria.
-No. Stop the van at once!
548
00:31:18,735 --> 00:31:22,205
All right, stay where you are, Jones.
Yeah, stay there.
549
00:31:23,015 --> 00:31:25,006
Medics.
550
00:31:27,215 --> 00:31:29,683
MEN: (CHANTING) Open, two, three.
Out, two, three.
551
00:31:31,295 --> 00:31:32,410
Stop.
552
00:31:33,255 --> 00:31:34,654
Explain to me. What are you doing?
553
00:31:34,735 --> 00:31:37,932
You gave three blasts on your whistle.
I thought it was a signal to open fire.
554
00:31:38,015 --> 00:31:40,131
No, nothing of the sort. I want the medics.
Get the medics.
555
00:31:40,215 --> 00:31:42,046
-The medics? What?
-It's Godfrey. Go and get Godfrey.
556
00:31:42,135 --> 00:31:45,172
Why not say so? Godfrey, it's perfectly simple.
557
00:31:45,255 --> 00:31:48,691
-What's happened, Mr Mainwaring?
-It's Jones. He's got an attack of malaria.
558
00:31:48,775 --> 00:31:51,528
Get him out, you two.
Sponge, you go round the other side.
559
00:31:52,335 --> 00:31:54,803
He won't let go of the steering wheel,
Mr Mainwaring.
560
00:31:54,895 --> 00:31:56,089
Medics.
561
00:31:57,655 --> 00:32:00,123
Get a hold of his wrists. Sponge, you push.
562
00:32:06,335 --> 00:32:10,010
(STAMMERING) He doesn't look too good to me,
Mr Mainwaring.
563
00:32:10,135 --> 00:32:15,573
-I don't feel too good, Mr....
-Don't worry, son. I'll look af-af-after you.
564
00:32:16,215 --> 00:32:17,568
Where is Godfrey?
565
00:32:18,575 --> 00:32:21,487
-MEN: (CHANTING) Out, two....
-Put them in.
566
00:32:22,575 --> 00:32:23,974
Godfrey, where have you been?
567
00:32:24,055 --> 00:32:27,411
I'm sorry, sir. As we stopped,
I took the opportunity to be excused.
568
00:32:27,975 --> 00:32:31,172
-You should be on hand at all times.
-What's the matter, sir?
569
00:32:31,255 --> 00:32:33,928
Jones has got a bout of malaria.
Have you got anything we could give him?
570
00:32:34,015 --> 00:32:38,645
I don't know. Oh, yes, sir.
I've got some aspirins and bicarbonate of soda.
571
00:32:38,735 --> 00:32:41,203
Yeah, and some ointment for wasp stings.
572
00:32:41,295 --> 00:32:42,614
Wasp stings?
573
00:32:42,695 --> 00:32:46,688
This is a fighting unit, not a Girl Guides outing.
What would we do if one of us was wounded?
574
00:32:46,775 --> 00:32:50,404
Quinine, sir. That's what we need.
A bottle of quinine and he should be kept warm.
575
00:32:50,495 --> 00:32:52,406
You're quite right, Frazer.
Get some more blankets.
576
00:32:52,495 --> 00:32:56,010
-You got any quinine?
-Oh no, sir. I got a bottle of tonic wine.
577
00:32:56,295 --> 00:32:58,206
My sister Dolly swears by it.
578
00:32:59,775 --> 00:33:00,924
All right.
579
00:33:03,175 --> 00:33:05,166
Here, Jones. Drink this.
580
00:33:06,855 --> 00:33:08,607
Hold him. He's spilling it.
581
00:33:11,695 --> 00:33:13,651
Right. Wrap him up. Put him in the back.
582
00:33:13,735 --> 00:33:15,487
Don't worry about m-me, sir.
583
00:33:15,615 --> 00:33:19,403
I've had these at-at-attacks for the last 40 years.
584
00:33:19,615 --> 00:33:22,254
-They s-s-soon....
-Pass.
585
00:33:22,335 --> 00:33:24,929
What on earth's the matter with Jonesy, Frank?
586
00:33:25,015 --> 00:33:26,892
-He's got malaria, Uncle Arthur.
-What?
587
00:33:26,975 --> 00:33:29,569
You know, like Leslie Banks
in Sanders of the RIver.
588
00:33:29,655 --> 00:33:32,772
I couldn't stand that film.
All those terrible drums.
589
00:33:32,855 --> 00:33:35,733
Wilson, Pike, Walker,
get him in the back of the van.
590
00:33:35,815 --> 00:33:37,885
-Yes.
-Get him in the back. Move on.
591
00:33:37,975 --> 00:33:40,409
-Who's going to drive now, Mr Mainwaring?
-I am.
592
00:33:40,495 --> 00:33:42,963
Excuse me, sir. Do you think that's wise, sir?
593
00:33:43,055 --> 00:33:45,125
-Don't argue. Just get in.
-Right.
594
00:33:47,975 --> 00:33:50,364
Right. Stand by. No, not now.
595
00:34:03,335 --> 00:34:06,691
Another half-mile and we turn left, sir.
596
00:34:07,095 --> 00:34:08,244
Thank you, Frazer.
597
00:34:08,335 --> 00:34:10,212
-Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes, what is it, Pike?
598
00:34:10,295 --> 00:34:12,650
-Mr Jones has turned yellow.
-Get some more blankets on him.
599
00:34:12,735 --> 00:34:13,724
More blankets, right.
600
00:34:13,815 --> 00:34:15,806
Don't you think we ought to get him
to a doctor, sir?
601
00:34:15,895 --> 00:34:17,965
No, no, no. We'd lose the race if we did that.
602
00:34:18,055 --> 00:34:20,569
Besides, he said he's had these attacks before.
It'll wear off.
603
00:34:20,655 --> 00:34:23,852
-Coming up to the turning very soon now, sir.
-How sweet.
604
00:34:23,935 --> 00:34:26,165
-What is that?
-We just passed a dear little cottage, sir,
605
00:34:26,255 --> 00:34:29,725
with a thatched roof with roses round the ground.
Just like Snow White's.
606
00:34:29,815 --> 00:34:32,409
Never mind gawping at the cottages.
Keep an eye on the road.
607
00:34:32,495 --> 00:34:33,848
All right. All right, yes.
608
00:34:33,935 --> 00:34:35,288
-Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
-Yeah.
609
00:34:35,375 --> 00:34:37,411
-Mr Jones isn't yellow anymore.
-Good.
610
00:34:37,495 --> 00:34:40,009
-No. He's turned purple.
-Good. What?
611
00:34:40,375 --> 00:34:41,854
He looks like a beetroot.
612
00:34:41,935 --> 00:34:44,244
-Well, get some more blankets on him.
-Oh, yes, of course.
613
00:34:44,335 --> 00:34:46,291
Turn left here, sir.
614
00:34:46,935 --> 00:34:48,129
That's it.
615
00:34:53,535 --> 00:34:57,050
-Where's all that steam coming from?
-Do you think the engine's overheating, sir?
616
00:34:57,135 --> 00:35:00,047
It's not coming from the engine.
What's going on back there?
617
00:35:00,415 --> 00:35:03,009
-Mr Jones is steaming, sir.
-Steaming?
618
00:35:03,215 --> 00:35:05,171
The condensation is running down the wall.
619
00:35:05,255 --> 00:35:07,644
Best thing for him. Let him sweat it out.
620
00:35:07,975 --> 00:35:09,408
Give him plenty to drink.
621
00:35:09,495 --> 00:35:12,293
Well, there's a little tonic wine.
He's drunk half of that already.
622
00:35:12,375 --> 00:35:15,094
Well, give him the other half.
This is an emergency.
623
00:35:15,175 --> 00:35:17,928
Next turning on the left coming up, sir.
624
00:35:19,295 --> 00:35:20,410
That's it.
625
00:35:35,135 --> 00:35:37,205
-How enchanting.
-What is it?
626
00:35:37,295 --> 00:35:40,253
We just passed
that dear little Snow White's cottage again.
627
00:35:40,335 --> 00:35:42,724
Oh, for heaven's sake.
628
00:35:42,815 --> 00:35:46,046
-What? That means we're going round in a circle.
-Oh Lord, does it?
629
00:35:46,135 --> 00:35:49,684
Well, I.... This is your fault, Frazer.
What are you doing?
630
00:35:49,775 --> 00:35:52,084
Don't shout at me. We can all make mistakes.
631
00:35:52,175 --> 00:35:55,565
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring,
Eastgate van's coming up behind us.
632
00:35:55,935 --> 00:35:58,972
This is you, Frazer.
Thanks to your bungling, they're catching us up.
633
00:35:59,055 --> 00:36:02,650
How do you expect me to read a map properly
with all your jerky driving?
634
00:36:02,735 --> 00:36:04,691
I don't want any insubordination, Frazer.
635
00:36:04,775 --> 00:36:06,925
-Take his name, Sergeant.
-I know it.
636
00:36:07,935 --> 00:36:10,972
-They're trying to get past us.
-They won't get past me.
637
00:36:32,735 --> 00:36:36,648
-Pull over. And let them pass.
-Mind your own business.
638
00:36:36,815 --> 00:36:39,488
-Will you pull over?
-Clear off.
639
00:36:39,575 --> 00:36:40,803
(HONKING)
640
00:36:46,975 --> 00:36:49,535
-What are they playing at?
-I know, I mean it.
641
00:36:49,655 --> 00:36:51,213
What's going on?
642
00:36:52,335 --> 00:36:54,929
Cor blimey, we'll soon sort that out.
643
00:36:55,615 --> 00:36:56,934
Move over!
644
00:36:58,855 --> 00:37:00,129
What do you think you're doing?
645
00:37:00,215 --> 00:37:02,854
It's a good job you stopped,
or you'd have been disqualified.
646
00:37:02,935 --> 00:37:05,130
It's a good job I stopped,
otherwise I would have run over you.
647
00:37:05,215 --> 00:37:06,887
You were obstructing Captain Square.
648
00:37:06,975 --> 00:37:10,047
Anymore of this bumping and boring,
and you'll be out of the race, mate.
649
00:37:10,135 --> 00:37:13,047
-This isn't fair, Vicar.
-It's no good appealing to His Reverence
650
00:37:13,135 --> 00:37:15,251
after that foul language you used just now.
651
00:37:15,455 --> 00:37:19,414
-I didn't use any foul language.
-Oh, yes, you did. I heard it quite plainly.
652
00:37:19,495 --> 00:37:23,010
But fortunately the noise of the engines
stopped it reaching His Reverence's ears.
653
00:37:23,575 --> 00:37:25,725
They're getting awfully far ahead, Uncle Arthur.
654
00:37:25,815 --> 00:37:28,773
Couldn't we continue this conversation
some other time?
655
00:37:28,855 --> 00:37:31,164
I'm making a protest, Wilson.
Now, look here, Vicar....
656
00:37:31,255 --> 00:37:35,328
I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring,
we're only here as umpires to see fair play.
657
00:37:35,415 --> 00:37:37,087
Drive on, Mr Hodges.
658
00:37:41,375 --> 00:37:42,694
Oh, get walloped.
659
00:37:45,895 --> 00:37:47,965
Why don't you chuck a bucket of water over it?
660
00:37:48,055 --> 00:37:50,933
We haven't got a bucket of water,
you blithering idiot.
661
00:37:51,015 --> 00:37:52,164
(HORN TOOTING)
662
00:37:52,255 --> 00:37:53,654
What the....
663
00:37:55,015 --> 00:37:56,368
(JEERING)
664
00:37:57,375 --> 00:37:58,524
Come back.
665
00:37:59,895 --> 00:38:01,453
PIKE: Get yourself a horse.
666
00:38:05,095 --> 00:38:07,404
Why have we stopped? We're well ahead of them.
667
00:38:07,495 --> 00:38:09,850
We're going to be a lot further ahead, Frazer.
668
00:38:09,935 --> 00:38:13,291
-Wilson, you see the sheep in that field?
-Sheep? Oh, yes, yes.
669
00:38:13,375 --> 00:38:17,766
I want you to take Frazer and the rest of the men,
and drive those sheep through the bottom gap
670
00:38:17,855 --> 00:38:19,686
so that they fill the road behind us.
671
00:38:19,775 --> 00:38:22,335
I'd like to see Square get through that lot.
672
00:38:24,815 --> 00:38:27,648
-Seems to be all right now, sir.
-Well done, Sergeant.
673
00:38:27,735 --> 00:38:30,010
Get in. They can't be far away.
674
00:38:40,135 --> 00:38:42,251
Get off. How can I drive like that?
675
00:38:50,895 --> 00:38:52,806
(SHEEP BLEATING)
676
00:38:52,895 --> 00:38:55,693
I told you to drive them through the lower gap.
677
00:38:55,775 --> 00:38:59,370
I'm awfully sorry, sir. But they seemed
terribly keen to go through the higher gap.
678
00:39:00,095 --> 00:39:01,972
Well, there's one consolation.
679
00:39:02,575 --> 00:39:04,611
Square won't be able
to get through this lot, either.
680
00:39:36,055 --> 00:39:38,091
The biter bit, eh, Mainwaring?
681
00:39:42,215 --> 00:39:45,446
What's the matter, Napoleon?
Why are you looking so sheepish?
682
00:39:48,455 --> 00:39:50,366
They're ridiculous. Go!
683
00:40:12,095 --> 00:40:16,930
-They've gone the other way. We'll turn round.
-They're gone the other way. We'll turn round.
684
00:40:23,935 --> 00:40:25,812
The damn blinking gear.
685
00:40:29,215 --> 00:40:31,968
Now they're going the other way.
We'll turn round.
686
00:40:32,815 --> 00:40:35,613
Now they've gone the other way. We'll turn round.
687
00:40:37,375 --> 00:40:39,605
They're up to something. We better follow them.
688
00:40:40,775 --> 00:40:44,131
They're up to something. We'll follow them.
689
00:40:51,735 --> 00:40:54,044
Blimey, here we go round the mulberry bush.
690
00:40:59,615 --> 00:41:02,209
Where are they?
They should have been here ages ago.
691
00:41:26,175 --> 00:41:27,574
(TYRES SCREECHING)
692
00:41:28,735 --> 00:41:31,807
Back up at once, do you hear? Back up at once.
693
00:41:32,095 --> 00:41:34,848
Don't tell me to back up. You back up.
694
00:41:35,615 --> 00:41:37,651
We'll soon see about that.
695
00:41:48,375 --> 00:41:50,366
Everybody in the back, get out and push.
696
00:41:50,735 --> 00:41:51,963
(BANGING)
697
00:41:52,055 --> 00:41:54,171
Everybody in the back, get out and push.
698
00:42:02,295 --> 00:42:04,729
What's going on?
Come on, let's get this lot sorted out.
699
00:42:04,815 --> 00:42:05,850
What's going on?
700
00:42:13,695 --> 00:42:14,684
Heave!
701
00:42:15,415 --> 00:42:16,530
Back up.
702
00:42:16,655 --> 00:42:17,770
Clear off!
703
00:42:34,695 --> 00:42:36,765
Help! Help!
704
00:42:38,095 --> 00:42:40,768
Mr Mainwaring, I think the warden's drowning.
705
00:42:42,095 --> 00:42:44,006
Quick, Wilson, come on.
706
00:42:44,775 --> 00:42:47,164
No, on second thoughts, you stay here.
707
00:42:47,255 --> 00:42:49,610
And when they're not looking,
let their tyres down.
708
00:42:49,695 --> 00:42:51,765
-Let their tyres down?
-Let their tyres down!
709
00:42:52,575 --> 00:42:55,009
-Excuse me, sir.
-Yes, what is it? What is it?
710
00:42:55,095 --> 00:42:57,165
There appears to be
a person in trouble in the water.
711
00:42:57,255 --> 00:42:58,847
Well, I'll go. You stay here.
712
00:42:59,815 --> 00:43:03,205
While they're not looking, let their tyres down.
713
00:43:05,175 --> 00:43:08,167
(GIBBERING)
714
00:43:08,255 --> 00:43:10,371
Get yourself back down.
715
00:43:13,895 --> 00:43:14,930
Get down!
716
00:43:17,135 --> 00:43:18,170
(AIR ESCAPING)
717
00:43:18,255 --> 00:43:19,688
-Got them?
-Yes.
718
00:43:24,055 --> 00:43:25,534
Pull, Mainwaring!
719
00:43:25,615 --> 00:43:27,412
-Pull, Square!
-Hold your tongue!
720
00:43:27,775 --> 00:43:30,084
(TOGETHER) They're letting our tyres down, sir.
721
00:43:30,175 --> 00:43:31,210
-What?
-Yes.
722
00:43:36,255 --> 00:43:38,485
And now, it's the initiative tests.
723
00:43:39,615 --> 00:43:41,526
Mr Hodges, carry on.
724
00:43:42,055 --> 00:43:44,774
-Where's Jones?
-Well, they're bringing him as fast as they can.
725
00:43:47,935 --> 00:43:48,924
Wait here.
726
00:43:51,495 --> 00:43:56,569
I'm all right now, Mr Mainwaring?
My malaria's completely subsidised.
727
00:43:56,655 --> 00:44:00,967
I took one bottle of Mr Godfrey's wine,
and I'm a new man.
728
00:44:01,055 --> 00:44:03,694
-I'm a new man.
-Good heavens, he's drunk.
729
00:44:03,775 --> 00:44:06,494
Right, pay attention, please. Pay attention, men.
730
00:44:06,575 --> 00:44:09,408
And now this is your first initiative test.
731
00:44:09,495 --> 00:44:11,167
Are you listening, Mainwaring?
732
00:44:11,255 --> 00:44:13,132
Just read it out. That's all you've got to do.
733
00:44:13,215 --> 00:44:15,126
Take charge of him, Wilson.
You're responsible for him.
734
00:44:15,215 --> 00:44:18,366
-Why should I be held responsible for Jones?
-Don't argue.
735
00:44:18,455 --> 00:44:20,685
Hey, I'm a new man.
736
00:44:20,775 --> 00:44:23,130
Could I have some attention, please,
if you don't mind?
737
00:44:23,535 --> 00:44:25,014
(MUTTERING)
738
00:44:25,095 --> 00:44:26,164
Now. Attention.
739
00:44:26,255 --> 00:44:30,168
Now, over here,
the verger has hold of 24 balloons.
740
00:44:33,055 --> 00:44:36,809
When I say, ''Go,'' he will release all 24 balloons.
741
00:44:37,455 --> 00:44:42,210
You will then fix bayonets, and you will burst
each and every one of those balloons,
742
00:44:42,295 --> 00:44:44,570
before moving on to your next objective.
743
00:44:44,655 --> 00:44:45,724
Right. Go!
744
00:44:46,455 --> 00:44:49,128
Right fellowmen, fix bayonets, and charge!
745
00:44:58,975 --> 00:45:00,328
Don't panic. Don't panic.
746
00:45:00,415 --> 00:45:02,212
(INCOHERENT BABBLING)
747
00:45:06,455 --> 00:45:10,573
-Wilson, are you a member of this platoon?
-Well, yes, I suppose so.
748
00:45:10,655 --> 00:45:12,725
Then burst these blasted balloons.
749
00:45:14,535 --> 00:45:16,332
(INCOHERENT BABBLING)
750
00:45:27,215 --> 00:45:30,730
My gun won't go in, Mr Mainwaring.
They're not offering any resistance.
751
00:45:31,615 --> 00:45:32,843
Stupid boy.
752
00:45:35,895 --> 00:45:38,090
Hang on, Mr Mainwaring. I got it.
753
00:45:50,135 --> 00:45:53,013
Mr Mainwaring! A safety pin is quite effective.
754
00:45:53,095 --> 00:45:54,847
You have to open it, of course.
755
00:45:59,935 --> 00:46:00,970
(BABBLING)
756
00:46:01,055 --> 00:46:03,444
I'll fetch them. I'll get them, sir.
757
00:46:03,775 --> 00:46:06,243
Ha ha! There's a couple.
758
00:46:14,975 --> 00:46:15,964
I'll get him.
759
00:46:16,175 --> 00:46:18,370
Hey, give me.... Give me this.
760
00:46:21,295 --> 00:46:24,207
Right, rally. On to the next test. That's the lot.
761
00:46:24,295 --> 00:46:26,445
Oh, no, it's not. What about that one?
762
00:46:28,575 --> 00:46:30,645
I'll get it, sir! I'll get it, sir.
763
00:46:31,375 --> 00:46:34,128
Hurry up, Mainwaring. Square's lot have finished.
764
00:46:34,215 --> 00:46:36,092
He's going to win. I knew he would.
765
00:46:36,175 --> 00:46:38,052
And you're not leaving until you got that one.
766
00:46:38,135 --> 00:46:40,365
-I'll get him, sir!
-Leave it to me, Jones.
767
00:46:41,135 --> 00:46:42,170
(GUN FIRING)
768
00:46:42,255 --> 00:46:45,406
-Good heavens.
-What do you mean, ''Good heavens''?
769
00:46:45,495 --> 00:46:46,484
Good heavens.
770
00:46:49,095 --> 00:46:52,132
Wait a minute!
You were supposed to do that with your bayonet.
771
00:46:52,215 --> 00:46:54,934
Another word out of you,
and I'll do you with a bayonet.
772
00:46:58,255 --> 00:46:59,893
I'm rather enjoying this.
773
00:47:00,975 --> 00:47:02,613
Heave. Lift.
774
00:47:07,455 --> 00:47:08,604
Now, pay attention.
775
00:47:08,695 --> 00:47:09,730
You as well.
776
00:47:09,815 --> 00:47:12,329
Now, this tank here is full of feathers.
777
00:47:12,415 --> 00:47:16,454
Now you're going to take them feathers,
and put them in them barrels over there.
778
00:47:19,575 --> 00:47:21,566
Get ready. Go!
779
00:47:22,895 --> 00:47:24,453
Come on, Godfrey. Hurry up.
780
00:47:29,855 --> 00:47:34,133
Don't you worry, Mr Mainwaring. I can do it.
I'm good at this.
781
00:47:36,695 --> 00:47:38,014
(SNEEZING)
782
00:47:38,535 --> 00:47:39,854
Oh, this is no good.
783
00:47:40,615 --> 00:47:41,730
I've got it.
784
00:47:41,815 --> 00:47:44,727
Fill your caps,
and stuff some feathers inside your tunics.
785
00:47:44,815 --> 00:47:46,692
-Mr Mainwaring....
-No, not now.
786
00:47:49,175 --> 00:47:53,088
Mr Mainwaring, if you'll just please....
Do you think you could spare me for a moment?
787
00:47:53,175 --> 00:47:54,608
Certainly not.
788
00:48:00,135 --> 00:48:01,250
(SNEEZING VIOLENTLY)
789
00:48:01,335 --> 00:48:05,772
You've had some darn silly ideas in your time, sir,
but this is the darn silliest.
790
00:48:05,855 --> 00:48:08,574
That's enough of that, Frazer.
That's no way to talk to an officer.
791
00:48:11,735 --> 00:48:13,407
Come on, sharp's the word, men.
792
00:48:17,975 --> 00:48:19,727
They're flying everywhere.
793
00:48:20,855 --> 00:48:22,891
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes, Pike.
794
00:48:23,175 --> 00:48:24,494
(SNEEZING)
795
00:48:24,575 --> 00:48:26,372
Oh, don't waste my time, Pike.
796
00:48:30,255 --> 00:48:32,450
If I may say so, sir,
this isn't working awfully well.
797
00:48:32,535 --> 00:48:34,014
Have you any better suggestions?
798
00:48:34,455 --> 00:48:36,047
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes.
799
00:48:37,415 --> 00:48:38,814
Don't you keep doing that.
800
00:48:38,895 --> 00:48:41,125
Perhaps if we got a lot of bags....
801
00:48:41,215 --> 00:48:43,934
That's a very good idea, yes.
We'll use trousers and tie up the legs.
802
00:48:45,615 --> 00:48:47,731
-Take your trousers off.
-I will not take my trousers off.
803
00:48:47,815 --> 00:48:48,850
Take your trousers off.
804
00:48:48,935 --> 00:48:51,051
Why should I be the one to have to take
my trousers off?
805
00:48:51,135 --> 00:48:52,409
Because you're to set an example.
806
00:48:52,495 --> 00:48:53,564
Right. Trousers off, everybody.
807
00:48:53,655 --> 00:48:55,213
Why can't you set an example?
808
00:48:55,295 --> 00:48:57,013
Wilson, ju-just do as you're told.
809
00:48:57,095 --> 00:48:59,325
Right! Stuff the feathers down your trousers.
810
00:48:59,775 --> 00:49:01,094
That's good, Walker.
811
00:49:01,615 --> 00:49:05,767
Mr Mainwaring,
this is not a very hygienic way of going on.
812
00:49:06,815 --> 00:49:11,286
You're supposed to take your trousers off,
tie the bottoms and stuff them down the legs.
813
00:49:11,375 --> 00:49:14,731
-Do what?
-Stuff them down the legs.
814
00:49:27,575 --> 00:49:28,769
-Mr Mainwaring?
-Yeah.
815
00:49:28,855 --> 00:49:30,971
Why don't we take the barrels over to the tank,
816
00:49:31,055 --> 00:49:33,523
fill the barrels there,
and then take the barrels back there?
817
00:49:33,615 --> 00:49:36,254
Now, look, Pike.
One more stupid suggestion from you and I'll....
818
00:49:36,335 --> 00:49:38,087
That's a very good idea.
819
00:49:38,175 --> 00:49:40,166
Bring the barrels over to the tank!
820
00:49:42,615 --> 00:49:43,650
Mr Hodges,
821
00:49:44,895 --> 00:49:46,328
how's Square's mob getting on?
822
00:49:46,415 --> 00:49:50,693
They're still carrying the feathers by hand.
Mainwaring's out to win by miles at this rate.
823
00:49:50,775 --> 00:49:53,005
Will they? We'll soon see about that.
824
00:49:55,855 --> 00:49:59,291
(ENGLISH COUNTRY GARDEN PLAYING)
825
00:50:04,335 --> 00:50:07,691
Mr Hodges! Mr Hodges!
Mainwaring's lot are winning.
826
00:50:07,775 --> 00:50:08,844
They'll be here in a minute.
827
00:50:08,935 --> 00:50:10,084
Yeah? I'll soon cook his goose.
828
00:50:10,175 --> 00:50:12,769
-What are you going to do?
-I'm going to pull the plug out.
829
00:50:22,055 --> 00:50:23,568
Right. Hurry up. Get in.
830
00:50:24,215 --> 00:50:26,285
-You can't get in that boat.
-Why not?
831
00:50:26,375 --> 00:50:28,843
It's the wrong one. That's your boat over there.
832
00:50:28,935 --> 00:50:31,449
I'll get in any boat I like.
Now, look, just mind your own business.
833
00:50:31,535 --> 00:50:33,287
Look, I insist you get in that other boat.
834
00:50:33,375 --> 00:50:35,684
You really are being the most frightful bore
this morning.
835
00:50:35,775 --> 00:50:38,573
Please, Mr Mainwaring,
please get in the other boat.
836
00:50:39,055 --> 00:50:42,525
-I think he's gone off his head.
-He always was a bit strange, you know.
837
00:50:43,135 --> 00:50:44,693
Hurry up, Godfrey.
838
00:50:52,055 --> 00:50:54,091
Oh dear, isn't this exciting!
839
00:50:56,655 --> 00:50:58,691
Now I want to see this boat skip across the water.
840
00:50:58,775 --> 00:51:00,367
That's going to be a wee bit difficult, sir.
841
00:51:00,455 --> 00:51:02,173
-Why?
-You've not untied it yet.
842
00:51:02,255 --> 00:51:04,325
That'll do, Frazer. Cast off!
843
00:51:07,295 --> 00:51:09,331
Go on! That's it.
844
00:51:09,695 --> 00:51:10,764
-There.
-Right.
845
00:51:13,895 --> 00:51:15,806
Come along, men. In you get.
846
00:51:15,895 --> 00:51:18,329
Don't get in that boat, Captain Square.
I pulled the plug out.
847
00:51:18,415 --> 00:51:21,134
You damn fool! What did you want to do that for?
848
00:51:21,215 --> 00:51:23,524
Well, Mainwaring's lot were winning.
I tried to stop them.
849
00:51:23,615 --> 00:51:25,810
-What?
-I did it for you, sir. I did it for you, sir.
850
00:51:25,895 --> 00:51:27,533
Blithering idiot! Ha! Look.
851
00:51:27,615 --> 00:51:32,484
There's another boat on that bank over there.
Row over in that dinghy and get it.
852
00:51:32,575 --> 00:51:34,293
Yes, sir. Of course, sir. Certainly, sir.
853
00:51:34,375 --> 00:51:36,127
Sergeant, where are you?
Where are you, Sergeant?
854
00:51:39,375 --> 00:51:43,004
-There you are. What have you been doing?
-I took the plug out of that dinghy, sir.
855
00:51:43,095 --> 00:51:44,972
I think it will fit this boat.
856
00:51:48,215 --> 00:51:49,694
I'm afraid it doesn't, sir.
857
00:51:49,775 --> 00:51:51,447
Don't you worry, Captain Square.
858
00:51:56,455 --> 00:51:57,444
Help!
859
00:51:57,695 --> 00:51:59,811
Oh, no! No, not again.
860
00:52:00,895 --> 00:52:02,726
Oh!
861
00:52:02,815 --> 00:52:04,043
Here we go again!
862
00:52:39,775 --> 00:52:41,811
Put that cigarette out, Walker.
863
00:52:42,695 --> 00:52:45,448
Blimey!
A few minutes ago you were only too glad of it.
864
00:52:48,975 --> 00:52:50,772
This one's for you, Napoleon.
865
00:53:02,895 --> 00:53:05,534
I'll get you, Mainwaring!
866
00:53:08,415 --> 00:53:09,814
(GUN FIRING)
867
00:53:15,535 --> 00:53:17,173
No sign of Captain Square, sir.
868
00:53:17,335 --> 00:53:18,768
Looks as if we've won, Wilson.
869
00:53:18,855 --> 00:53:21,608
When your men are finished, Mainwaring,
all you have to do is to run
870
00:53:21,695 --> 00:53:23,413
to the top of the tower and haul your flag out.
871
00:53:23,495 --> 00:53:24,769
Very good, sir.
872
00:53:25,855 --> 00:53:29,643
Why are you shaking like that, Jones?
Not having another attack of malaria, have you?
873
00:53:29,735 --> 00:53:33,648
No, sir. I always fire like this, sir.
That's why I prefer the bayonet.
874
00:53:33,735 --> 00:53:34,929
Well, get on with it.
875
00:53:35,015 --> 00:53:36,687
Don't you think we've all finished?
876
00:53:36,775 --> 00:53:38,925
-Hand me the flag, Wilson.
-Flag? What flag?
877
00:53:39,015 --> 00:53:40,289
The platoon flag, of course.
878
00:53:40,375 --> 00:53:42,650
But you didn't say anything about bringing a flag.
879
00:53:42,735 --> 00:53:44,965
I distinctly remember telling you
to bring the flag.
880
00:53:45,055 --> 00:53:46,374
FRAZER: I have it, sir.
881
00:53:46,455 --> 00:53:48,252
Well done, Frazer.
882
00:53:49,135 --> 00:53:50,807
I've finished, sir.
883
00:53:54,295 --> 00:53:55,410
Finished firing, sir!
884
00:53:55,495 --> 00:53:57,326
-Well, off you go, then.
-Yes, sir.
885
00:53:57,415 --> 00:53:59,883
Godfrey, you stay here.
The rest of you, follow me.
886
00:54:26,455 --> 00:54:29,413
-Right, Pike. You take the flag.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
887
00:54:31,855 --> 00:54:34,767
Come along, hurry up.
The Eastgate mob are hard on our heels.
888
00:54:36,775 --> 00:54:39,687
It's the rhythm that gets you up the stairs,
isn't it?
889
00:54:39,775 --> 00:54:43,814
(BREATHLESSLY) One more flight...
and I'd have quite definitely passed out.
890
00:54:43,895 --> 00:54:45,374
Sure you know how to do that, Pike?
891
00:54:45,455 --> 00:54:48,572
Yes, Mr Mainwaring. Supposed to be
a loop in the rope to take the toggle on the flag.
892
00:54:48,655 --> 00:54:50,452
-It must be here somewhere.
-Mr Mainwaring.
893
00:54:50,535 --> 00:54:51,604
The trouble with you, boy, you've no drive.
894
00:54:51,695 --> 00:54:52,730
Mr Mainwaring!
895
00:54:52,815 --> 00:54:55,124
Here we are. Here's the loop. There you are.
Come on, get it up.
896
00:54:55,215 --> 00:54:57,854
Mr Mainwaring, you've pulled the loop out
of the pulley at the end!
897
00:54:59,815 --> 00:55:04,172
Any more insubordination like that from you,
and I shall complain personally to your mother.
898
00:55:04,255 --> 00:55:05,847
Now how are we supposed to fly the flag?
899
00:55:05,935 --> 00:55:07,891
Well, we can't without pulling the pole in.
900
00:55:08,735 --> 00:55:11,613
-I'll get it in. I'll fix everything.
-Jones, what are you doing?
901
00:55:11,815 --> 00:55:14,932
I'm going to shim out,
and then I'm going to shim back again.
902
00:55:15,015 --> 00:55:17,973
-MAINWARING: Wilson, get him back here.
-I can't stop him.
903
00:55:18,055 --> 00:55:21,604
Hey! Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!
904
00:55:21,895 --> 00:55:22,964
What is it?
905
00:55:23,055 --> 00:55:25,091
That tonic wine's absolutely marvellous.
906
00:55:26,175 --> 00:55:28,166
Come back here at once. It's not safe.
907
00:55:29,495 --> 00:55:33,568
Don't worry about me, Mr Mainwaring.
I'm as agile as a monkey, I am.
908
00:55:33,655 --> 00:55:35,134
I'm as agile as a monkey.
909
00:55:35,215 --> 00:55:36,728
The man's a fool!
910
00:55:36,815 --> 00:55:37,850
Damn brave one.
911
00:55:37,935 --> 00:55:40,768
It's my opinion
that this is just to create an impression.
912
00:55:40,855 --> 00:55:43,574
-Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!
-Yes.
913
00:55:44,175 --> 00:55:46,245
I've reached the end. What shall I do?
914
00:55:48,295 --> 00:55:50,172
Thread the rope through the pulley.
915
00:55:50,255 --> 00:55:51,927
Yes...what rope?
916
00:55:53,255 --> 00:55:54,927
The rope that this flag is attached to.
917
00:55:55,015 --> 00:55:56,164
Well, where is it?
918
00:55:56,255 --> 00:55:57,483
-It's here.
-It's here.
919
00:55:57,855 --> 00:56:00,528
-What's it doing here, boy?
-Well, you pulled it off the end.
920
00:56:01,295 --> 00:56:03,809
Mr Mainwaring, throw it to me.
921
00:56:03,895 --> 00:56:05,010
(SHOUTING)
922
00:56:06,775 --> 00:56:09,130
Godfrey! Get a blanket!
923
00:56:09,215 --> 00:56:11,570
I don't need a blanket. I'm not cold.
924
00:56:11,655 --> 00:56:13,611
It's for if you fall.
925
00:56:13,695 --> 00:56:16,448
I won't be cold if I fall, will I?
926
00:56:16,535 --> 00:56:18,765
You will when you hit the ground.
927
00:56:18,855 --> 00:56:21,130
Back, back, back, back!
928
00:56:21,215 --> 00:56:22,728
Move it a bit to the right.
929
00:56:22,815 --> 00:56:24,726
No, left, left.
930
00:56:24,815 --> 00:56:26,726
Right! Here it comes!
931
00:56:26,895 --> 00:56:28,010
(SHOUTING)
932
00:56:28,295 --> 00:56:31,526
Mr Mainwaring, can't you throw it any nearer?
933
00:56:31,615 --> 00:56:34,846
-What do you think I'm trying to do?
-Here, let me have a try.
934
00:56:34,975 --> 00:56:38,047
Dinnae miss this, you silly old twerp.
935
00:56:38,655 --> 00:56:40,213
JONES: Wa-hey! I've got it.
936
00:56:41,615 --> 00:56:44,448
-Move it over a bit.
-Forward, forward.
937
00:56:44,535 --> 00:56:47,766
-Hold it, hold it. Now a bit to the right.
-ALL: A bit to the right.
938
00:56:48,095 --> 00:56:49,289
Left....
939
00:56:50,455 --> 00:56:52,730
Ooh! Wa-aaa....
940
00:56:52,815 --> 00:56:54,612
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes?
941
00:56:54,695 --> 00:56:58,734
I think that wine's going to me head.
Everything's going sideways.
942
00:56:59,855 --> 00:57:04,246
Thread the rope through the pulley,
and get back here as quickly as you can.
943
00:57:04,335 --> 00:57:05,973
Right-o, Mr Mainwaring.
944
00:57:06,055 --> 00:57:09,525
Oh, yes. Whoa, it's come away.
945
00:57:14,655 --> 00:57:18,933
It's like trying to thread it through
the camel of an eye of a needle.
946
00:57:20,015 --> 00:57:21,448
Come back here!
947
00:57:21,535 --> 00:57:24,254
Yes, all right, Mr Mainwaring.
I'll be back in a minute.
948
00:57:24,335 --> 00:57:27,372
Come on, men. Hurry up!
They haven't got their flag up yet.
949
00:57:29,615 --> 00:57:32,448
Mr Mainwaring, Mr Mainwaring!
950
00:57:32,535 --> 00:57:35,049
-Yes.
-I've got it! I've got it!
951
00:57:35,375 --> 00:57:37,445
ALL: Hooray!
952
00:57:37,615 --> 00:57:40,846
MAINWARING: Right. Come along, Jonesy.
WILSON: As quickly as you can, get back.
953
00:57:40,935 --> 00:57:42,004
Come on, then.
954
00:57:42,095 --> 00:57:46,008
Oh, I've got it. I've got it.
Oh, I've nearly dropped me top set out then.
955
00:57:47,495 --> 00:57:50,612
There we are, Mr Mainwaring,
put it over the other side.
956
00:57:50,695 --> 00:57:52,686
That's it. It's all right, Mr....
957
00:57:58,615 --> 00:57:59,764
There you go.
958
00:57:59,855 --> 00:58:04,053
Oh, Mr Mainwaring, you saved my life again.
You're always doing that.
959
00:58:04,135 --> 00:58:07,093
-Oh, you deserve a kiss for that.
-No!
960
00:58:08,455 --> 00:58:12,414
Oh! It's started again, Mr Mainwaring.
It's started again.
961
00:58:13,175 --> 00:58:15,609
Come on, get the flag up, men, quick.
962
00:58:15,975 --> 00:58:19,684
Put your jackets over him.
Go and get some blankets for him.
963
00:58:19,775 --> 00:58:21,970
More tonic wine!
964
00:58:22,055 --> 00:58:24,285
Captain Mainwaring! Look! Look!
965
00:58:26,575 --> 00:58:30,488
-What in the devil's going on here?
-Bad luck, Mainwaring. You've lost.
966
00:58:30,575 --> 00:58:33,373
-We were here first.
-But you didn't get your flag out, did you?
967
00:58:33,455 --> 00:58:34,888
And it's the flag that counts.
968
00:58:34,975 --> 00:58:38,092
It's Number One platoon's flag.
Mainwaring's won!
969
00:58:38,175 --> 00:58:41,372
I shall make a formal protest about this.
I tell you, we were here first.
970
00:58:41,455 --> 00:58:44,652
Aye, but it's our flag that's flying.
971
00:58:44,735 --> 00:58:49,172
What? You blithering idiots!
You've flown their flag.
972
00:58:51,295 --> 00:58:53,286
It was the one you gave me, sir.
973
00:58:53,415 --> 00:58:56,930
Mainwaring,
what is the meaning of this skulduggery?
974
00:58:57,015 --> 00:58:58,164
It means you've lost.
975
00:58:58,255 --> 00:59:01,247
By Jove, I'm going to have a word
with the Colonel about this, you know.
976
00:59:01,335 --> 00:59:04,372
I've got the most ghastly suspicion,
you're a rank outsider.
977
00:59:06,935 --> 00:59:10,245
Here. They forgot their flag. Chuck it over, Wilson.
978
00:59:10,335 --> 00:59:12,212
Yes, I will do. Excuse me....
979
00:59:12,295 --> 00:59:15,253
No, no, no.
I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr Wilson.
980
00:59:16,135 --> 00:59:18,854
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
981
00:59:21,455 --> 00:59:22,729
That's our flag.
982
00:59:23,335 --> 00:59:24,814
And that's our flag.
983
00:59:25,495 --> 00:59:27,326
Ah, yes. Now, look.
984
00:59:29,535 --> 00:59:33,210
You see what happened
was that I made a flag for us,
985
00:59:33,295 --> 00:59:36,173
and it wasn't quite up to standards,
so I made another one.
986
00:59:36,335 --> 00:59:39,850
And I must have got the other one
mixed up with their platoon's flag.
987
00:59:40,375 --> 00:59:41,364
Ooh....
988
00:59:41,975 --> 00:59:44,489
What a terrible mistake to have made.
989
00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:47,485
Walker, I don't believe one word you've said.
990
00:59:48,295 --> 00:59:50,047
No, I didn't think you would.
991
00:59:50,135 --> 00:59:53,013
-Anyway, it was an initiative test.
-And he did use his initiative, sir.
992
00:59:53,095 --> 00:59:54,926
Now, I think you all know me
well enough to understand
993
00:59:55,015 --> 00:59:56,414
that I don't approve of this sort of thing.
994
00:59:56,495 --> 00:59:58,770
-I think you behaved very badly in this matter.
-Yes. Yes, sir.
995
00:59:58,855 --> 01:00:00,607
And if any of you others were party to this,
996
01:00:00,695 --> 01:00:04,005
I want you to know that you've incurred
my severe displeasure.
997
01:00:04,095 --> 01:00:05,574
ALL: Yes.
998
01:00:05,655 --> 01:00:08,089
All the same, I'm damn glad we won.
999
01:00:08,139 --> 01:00:12,689
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