All language subtitles for Going.Overboard.1989.1080p.WEB-DL.x264.AC3-ETRG

Eat me.

[Reading titles]

What the hell is this?

"The unsinkable schecky...

Moskowitz."

The unsinkable
schecky moskowitz?

Huh.

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* I'm 'ave one up here

* one dung there

* one in Hanover

* one dung a vere

* one she's a lawyer

* one she's a doctor

* one wha' de work
with a little contractor *

* one dung a east

* one dung a west

* I'm 'ave
one up north *

* and 2 dung South

* one a-sell a cigarette

* 'pon de run-about
cart, 'ey *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* I'm 'ave one
a go a school *

* one gwan fool-fool

* I'm 'ave
one ev'ry time *

* me say she think
a she rule *

* one she a nurse

* she say
a she come first *

* the ada night
dem goin' out *

* dem pick a new purse

* one a sell star

* one work in a bar

* a she cas' smile

* when da 2 a dem
mus' part *

* one getti getti

* one fretti fretti

* and I'm nah drink
no other milk *

* but Betty

* you too
girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* you too
girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* I'm 'ave one up here,
one dung here *

* one in Hanover,
one dung a vere *

* one she's a lawyer,
one she's a doctor *

* one wha' de work
with a little contractor *

* one dung a east,
one dung a west *

* one up north
and one dung South *

* one a go a school,
and one fool-fool *

* you too girlie girlie

* you jus' a flash
it round de worldie *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

schecky moskowitz.

Schecky's very ugly.

When I speak to him,
I want to vomit.

I was in the elevator
with him the other day,

and there was
a... a foul smell.

He has great concepts
about life...

But I wouldn't
want him to touch me.

Hey, there.
I'm schecky moskowitz.

Thank you.

See you later there,
Mr. cab driver.

Hey, how are ya?

Well, what you're
about to see

is a fictitious, loosely
thrown together story

about a sea cruise waiter...
Me, right here...

Who dreams of becoming
a stand-up comedian.

This story is based
entirely around the fact

that we had access
to this nice big boat here

and a lot
of good-looking women...

I mean, really
good-looking women...

Beauty pageant girls.
Beautiful.

Hi.
Hola.

Hi.
Hi.

Hello.
Hello.

G'day.

Unbelievable.

Beautiful.
Very clean women.

[Humming]

Oh. Oh, yeah.
I wanted to tell you

um, this is a no,
um, budget flick,

not a low-budget flick.
No budget.

Um, just like...

This would be an earthquake
right here.

[Rumbling]

See, that didn't cost us
anything right there.

Now, enjoy the flick.
I'll see you later.

Man: All ashore
that's going ashore.

Oh. All right.
Here we are on the deck

ready to rock 'n' roll.
Start the picture.

I'm here in my
waiter suit right now,

and... oh, shoot.
I'll be right back.

[Horn blows]

Ah ha ha. Now
that's better, right here.

Hey, waiter.
Where's my bloody Mary?

Ah, yes.

And make it bloody.

Ah. Yes, sir.

Hey, asshole.

Bring me another one.

Ah. Yes, ma'am.

[Man laughing]
I'll tell ya,

I just went out
with a girl last week.

I was goin' crazy.
We were doin' good.

She's goin' crazy.
She's bitin' my nipples.

She's pullin'
my chest hair, right?

Aw. Crazy, right?

Finally, I go, "hey.
This has gotta stop."

I said, hey, mom."

[Women laugh]

Man: All right. All right.
All right. All right.

Lemme tell you this one.
All right?

Last Wednesday, right?

I'm over this guy's house,
right?

We're playing chess.
You know, a game of chess.

Finally, I says, "hey..."

"This shit's boring
the shit outta me," right?

So, I took the chess piece,

and I shoved it
in his eye.

I shoved it in his eye.

And I said, "there's fuckin'
chess-eye for ya."

You know what I'm sayin'?

[Man laughs]

You know
what I'm sayin', right?

You know what
I'm sayin', right?

Check this out.
I went swimming

on a boat the other
morning, right?

And I go out swimming,
and my dick shrivels up.

Jesus Christ!
You kidding?

My public hair
had my penis hostage!

You know what I'm sayin'?
[Laughs]

You know what
I'm sayin', right?

Schecky!
Oh. Hi, Bob.

What are you doing?

I'm just listening
to that guy over there.

Bob: The guy
with the girls

drooling all over him?

Schecky: Yeah.
Dickie diamond.

That's the ship
comedian.

Oh. I guess that means

you didn't convince
the captain

to hire you
as ship comedian.

Yeah. Yeah.
I guess that's what

"get outta my office
you no talent loser" meant.

No. I didn't get the job.

Tough break.

Well, I'm funnier than
that guy, don't you think?

I don't know. I haven't
heard him. Wait.

I got this chick, right?
She's... Got a scissor...

Like a fuckin' wrestler
or something, right...

She's got a scissor hold
on my neck, right?

I'm chokin',
I'm fuckin' dying.

Finally, I said,
"hey, grandma,"

take your fuckin'
varicose sticks

off my neck, will ya?

[Laughs]

Oh. That guy's
pretty funny, scheck.

Oh, man. The guy's
talking about incest.

That's not funny.
The guy needs help.

I could get laughs
with that.

The guy probably
farts onstage, too.

Hey. Pull my finger.
Pull my finger.

Pfft.
[Laughs]

[Farting sounds
and laughing]

All my life, I just
wanted to get onstage

and make people laugh,

but nobody gives
me a chance around here.

I'm funny. I mean,
I just want them

to hear
what I gotta say.

I got certain things
I wanna talk about.

Maybe they'd be interested
in hearing, you know?

Man: Waiter guy!
My wife's throwin' up!

Quick. Get me a towel!

Sorry. I'm on break.

Hey! Hey! How are ya?
I didn't see ya there.

Um, well, let's see.
What happened? Where were we?

After I finished cleaning up
that lady's vomit,

um, I worked
a few more hours

and then I took
a little break,

and during that break
I wrote a few new jokes,

and I think
they're pretty good.

I'm very happy
with myself right now.

See, what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna ask

the big comedian,
Dickie diamond,

if I can open up for him...

[knocking on door]

Whoa. What, you hear that?

I bet that's
my best friend, Bob.

Hey, schecky.

Hey.
Who you talkin' to?

I been talkin' to that
camera right there.

Oh. So, you ready
for work?

I am ready for work,

but I was wonderin'
before we go,

you think I could just
run a few things by you,

a few jokes... just, like,
a little improvisation?

You give me your
honest opinion, all right?

No problem.
Whoo-hoo.

I'm all audience.

All right. Here we go, then.

All right. Hey.

How you guys doin'
out there tonight?

Fine.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.

What's your name, pal?
Where you from?

Bob from California.

Bob from California?
Whoa!

Bob from California.
Bob.

[Laughs]
Bob from California!

Whoo!

Bob: Yeah.

I can't think
of anything funny.

Was that part
of your act?

No. I... jeez. I stink at this.
I'm not funny.

Not true. I think
you're very funny.

I think you're funny
naturally.

As soon as you
get up onstage,

people
are gonna laugh.

Are you ever gonna
get on a stage?

Hopefully,
because I'm gonna ask

Mr. Dickie diamond

if I can open up for him
one of these nights.

Really?
Yeah.

Oh. We better
get outta here,

'cause Dickie diamond's doin'
his afternoon set on the deck.

So, let's go
and check that out.

Right.
[Claps]

I'll tell you. Sometimes,
it gets really, really hot,

you know, in L.A. nothing
moves on your whole body.

The only thing
that you can possibly move

is your middle finger.
That's it.

[All laugh]

Fuck you!
That's all you can do.

Hey, buddy. Right there.
Right there.

I mean, I'm sorry.
Sometimes, it gets so hot

you're just drivin'
in your car,

and you're... you're
in a human microwave now.

You're in your car,

you're flippin' off
everybody, right?

You're just
pissed off, flippin'.

If this was a knife,
I'd poke you

right in the eye,
buddy, you know?

I'm drivin', I'm...
Finally, that's it.

I'm way too hot now, right?

I said, "I'm goin'
to get something to drink."

I go. I get a 6-pack.

I'm drinkin'.
I'm drivin', right?

Cop pulls me over.
He says, "are you drinkin'?"

Of course,
I'm fuckin' drinkin'.

What kind of question
is that?

It's fuckin' hot.
[Laughs]

Hey. What's your name?

Bunny Miller.

Bunny Miller.
Is that a Jewish name?

Boy. A nice Jewish name
like that.

So, where'd your mother
pop you out?

What?

[Laughs]

Where'd you burst your bag,
bunny? Come on.

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry.
Bunny, come on,

it's not a fucking
genius question here.

[Laughs]

[Buzzer sound] You lose, bun.
Guess what? You lose.

You know what happens
to losers?

You get your bathing suit
ripped off

and shoved up your ass.
[Laughs]

Hey, hey, hey.
Why don't you just...

Leave the girl alone

and stick
to your comedy?

Oh-oh. Mr. heckler.
Mr. big man from hell.

The hell heckler
is here, folks.

Oh, my God. Look.
He's so big.

All I'm sayin'

is why don't you
just lay off the girl?

Lay the girl?
That's a sick thing, man.

That's a sick thing.
Right in front

of all these people
to lay the girl?

That's really a sick thing.

[Laughs]
Ok, fine.

I'm just gonna have
to shoot you.

[Laughs]

Oh. Oh.

[Applause]

[Humming]

I tell you.
There's nothing heavier

than a dead comedian.

[All laugh]

Schecky: Thank you.

Um, I was talking
to my father

the other day
on the phone,

and he said to me,
"schecky"...

Um, he calls me "schecky"
'cause that's my name,

and I don't answer
to "Bob" much. Baa.

He said, "uh, schecky",

"I want you to marry a girl

with the same belief
as the family,"

and I was kinda, like,

"uh, dad, why should
I marry a girl

who thinks I'm a shmuck?"

Huh? Hey. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

All right. Well,
my name is, uh, schecky,

and my father's name
is schecky, also.

Having a name
as your father,

the same name, that's...
That's very weird, you know?

It was all right
till my voice changed.

My friends would call up
and say,

"hi. Is schecky there?"

My father would say,
"this is schecky."

My friends would say,
"hey, schecky.

You were
so wasted last night."

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

All right. Now, look.

Look, look, look, look.

On your last tour,

we sold at least
a million

croaker t-shirts...
A million of 'em.

So we did 100,000

on the croaker
spiked arm bracelets,

but I still think
it would be

in your best interest
to approve...

Approve the... the...
The action doll

for your
younger audience,

for the 9-year-olds,
the 10-year-olds

and... and such forth.

Yeah, but I don't want

to be no fuckin'
Barbie doll, mort.

That can't be good
for my image, man.

No. Croakie, come on.
Listen to me, man.

Listen to me, baby.
You listening?

I'm listenin'.

Ok, 'cause
it doesn't look like

you're listening to me.

What do I gotta do?

Shove my fuckin' ear
against your mouth?

All right, croakie.
Just listen to me.

We need the doll.

Last April,
you trashed 4 porsches

and one harley Davidson.

The hotel that you
burned down is suing us.

They're suing us.
We need the doll.

We need it.

Why not a poster?

Why not a lunchbox
or somethin'?

Why does it have
to be a Barbie?

It's not
a Barbie doll...

It's a fucking
action figure, croaker!

An action figure!

It's like a...
Like a Rambo doll

or like one
of those, um...

Those... those
transformer things

you're so nuts about.

It's... it's
an action figure.

It's macho. It's macho,
croakie, macho.

Croaker,
I talked to Saul.

Saul says we can make
40 million off of it.

40 million?

40 million.

4-d million?

40 million.

Action figure, huh?

Yeah.

That's cool, man.
That's cool...

But make sure
it ain't smilin'.

Yes! All right now,
waiter!

Ah. You see,
these guys

have nothin' to do
with this flick,

but we threw 'em in

just for
a little variety...

Whatever
that means, huh?

May I help you guys?

Yeah. Drinks
all around, man.

Bambi, what can I get
for you to drink?

Um, actually, I have
an aerobics class,

so, um, I'm gonna
take a rain man on that.

Oh, God! I mean,
a rain check.

No problem, babe.

Man, oh, man.

I never get sick
of that, man.

Can I, uh,
get you a drink?

Yeah. Get me one of them,
uh, tropical drinks

with, like, uh,
levels to them

and an umbrella
and fruit.

Oh. Well, um,
they come in 2 flavors.

You can have 'em
green or black.

Black.

And can
I get you one?

Huh?

A drink?

Yeah... yeah.
What... whatever.

Say, you know,
I used to work

uh, as a waiter once...

Back before I was
a multi-billionaire.

Mort: Millionaire,
croaker.

Millionaire, baby.

Millionaire.

It was at one of these
rib restaurants, man,

and, uh, I... it was,
like, I'd have to touch

all these people's
chewed up food,

and it would get stuck
underneath my fingernails, man,

and it would just
sit there for days

and it would stink.

I hated that job, man.

Both: Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Can we please have
your autograph?

Please?

All right!
Yo! Chicks, man.

Mmm. I'll sign autographs
for you bitches, man.

Just say, "to Pammy and Liz",

you were great last night.
Love, croaker."

All right!

Hey, mort. Mort.
How do you spell...

How do you spell
"great," man?

G-r-e-a-t.

All right.

Thank you.

You, uh... you in a band
or somethin'?

Yeah, man. I'm the lead
singer for yellow teeth.

We had the number one
song last week,

I wanna slap your cat.

* I wanna
slap your cat *

* that's where it's at

I'll go get you
that drink, all right?

All right.
Ok.

Whoa. That guy's punked
in the head right there.

I... i just
don't understand it.

Why do sleazy guys
like that get chicks?

Just 'cause they get
millions and millions

of dollars?
It makes me sick.

If I had
a million dollars...

Actually, I would
take a hundred and bury it

and hopefully,
somebody poor would find it.

If I had
a million dollars...

I would buy
another fur coat.

Spend it on clothes.

Put it in the bank
and think about it.

I'd put it in the bank.

If I had
a million dollars,

the first thing I'd buy
would be a Mercedes.

I would buy out clearasil

so I could pop
everybody's pimples

because they wouldn't
be able to get rid of them.

Mmm. Pus.

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round the worldie *

* I'm 'ave one up here,
one dung there *

* one in Hanover,
one dung a vere *

* one's your lawyer,
one's your doctor *

* one wha' dey work
with a little contractor *

* one dung a east,
one dung a west *

* one up north
and 2 dung a-South *

* one a go a school
and one fool-fool *

* you're too
girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round de worldie *

* young man,
you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it
round the worldie *

* a big fat one
who's a go-go dancer *

* a little slim one
who's a radio announcer *

* one itey-titey
one fightie-fightie *

* and before I'm grow old,
I'm want one in north pole *

* one ina London,
one ina Japan *

* one ina Scotland,
one ina Finland *

* one ina Taiwan,
one ina Iowa *

* an' one ina Greenland
one ina Iceland *

* one ina Canada,
one Uganda *

hey, there. Hi.

Um, well, I got off work
a little early tonight,

so, I figured
I'd hang out at the bar

with my good friend
Bob, here.

Um, what these guys
are doin' here,

I really have no idea,

but I... i really can't know
everything, now, can I?

I just finished up

tellin' Bob this joke
about a farmer.

Let's see how he reacts
to it, all right?

I don't get it, schecky.

I... the farmer wears
the condom for 8 years.

Explain it to me.

[Clears throat]
I don't know,

and I can't
explain it to you.

I guess I must have

told the joke wrong
or something.

Ah.

Ha ha.
I got it, man.

I thought that joke
was really funny.

Really?

Yeah.
[Laughs]

Hey. Did I ever
tell you

that I used
to be a waiter once?

You were?

Yeah. It was at
this restaurant, man...

And I hated
that job, man,

because I had to touch
all these people's

chewed up food.

Do you know
what I would do?

What?

I would go
into the bathroom

during my shift,

and I'd do a number 2...

Yeah?

And I wouldn't
wash my hands, man.

[Laughs]

I think
that's illegal, man.

[Laughs]

Hi, croaker.

Hey, babe.

Hey. Who's
the other babe?

This is my friend,
bluebell

I brought along
for your friend, mort,

like you told me to.

All right.

Jesus Christ,
croakie.

What are you... you...
You paying chicks

to be with me again?

Is that
what you're doin'?

You think
I don't know

that you pay 'em
to sleep with me?

I'm not payin'
anybody, man.

She wants you.
Check it out.

Ok. This is the guy
I have to sleep with...

To get to croaker?

Unh.

Ok. Come on.
Come on. Let's go.

Well, this is great.

This is great.

Rock on, man.
Rock 'n' roll.

[Laughs]

Hey, hey.
Hey, is somethin' wrong?

Ah. No.

Ah. Come on.

Ah. Well, yeah.

Well, somethin'
a little, I guess.

Um...

Women don't like me,
and I'm not funny.

That's not true.
You're very funny.

Well, yeah, maybe.
I'm... I'm definitely

still gonna ask
Dickie diamond

if I can open up
for him.

Bob?

Yeah?

Am I at all
good-looking?

Yeah. Yeah.
You look fine.

Well, seriously,
I mean,

who do you think
is better looking,

me or you?

[Laughs]

Well, that's easy.
I mean, me.

[Sighs]

I've been watching
you, waiter boy.

Your name is Bob,
isn't it?

Yes, it is.
It's Bob.

I think we should go
look at the moon together,

don't you?

Yes, I do.

I think that's a very,
very, very good idea.

See ya later, schecky.

Uh, hi.

What the hell
do you mean by that?

I just mean "hi".

I can't believe it.

Can't a girl
come into a bar

and have some peace?

Oh. All I said was "hi".

[Sighs]

Yeah? Well, fuck you.

Hey, beertender.
Gimme a brew, will ya?

[Farts]

Hey. You're... you're
Dickie diamond.

You're the ship
comedian.

Yeah. That's me.
Dickie diamond.

Hey, man. I know
who you are.

You're that psycho waiter

that keeps watching me
from the audience.

Oh, yeah.
I am a waiter here,

but, um, actually, um,

I'm a stand-up
comedian, too.

I do stand-up. Yeah.

I'm just being
a waiter here until I...

I'm not gettin'
stage time quite yet.

That's great, kid.

What the hell
are you tellin' me for?

Well, I was
just wonderin'...

Maybe, um, I could
open up for you

just one night here.

[Laughs]

Open up
for Dickie diamond, huh?

[Laughs]

Kid, what do you
think this is?

The fucking tonight show?
It's a boat.

Yeah. I know.
I know that.

I was just
wondering...

Well, all I'm saying
is maybe I could...

Let me... let me
just, uh, tell you

a few of my jokes.

I'll tell you
a few of my jokes.

Maybe... i
don't know... listen.

Um, all right.

There's this
fat old lady,

and she walks
into this bar,

and she's coughing.
[Coughs]

She's really
coughing loud,

and she doesn't...

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, kid.
You know,

you're probably a really,
really funny guy, you know?

I can tell just by the way
you're telling it

you probably are.
But you know what?

I just came down here
to wait for my girlfriend,

to have a beer,
relax a little bit,

not sit at the bar
and hear some dumb ass comic

tell me some stupid,
fucking jokes, all right?

Oh, man. I wasn't
trying to...

Uh, I know that...

I just was wondering
if I could...

All I'm asking for
is maybe I could go up

one night, you know?
You're... you're...

Just go up
and open up for you.

It's not a big deal.

Listen, kid,
I... i don't care.

I don't care what
you're saying. You get that?

I don't care.
I don't give a flying fuck

what you're saying.
All right? Great.

Yeah. Yeah. I know
what you're sayin'.

I... I'm sorry
if I'm buggin' you,

but all I wanted to do...

I mean, I work
on the ship, too.

I was wondering if you
could just let me

go up for a few minutes.

Kid, I don't care.

I'm not tryin'
to ask anything

that big of a deal.

All I want to do

is just maybe
open up for you.

I mean, I'm not...

I don't care!

Hey.

Hi, Dickie.

Where were you, baby?

In the bathroom,
thinking of you.

Oh, that's cute.
Come on.

Why don't you give
Mr. giggles a little kiss?

Not in front
of that pervert.

Did this guy
say something to you?

Nah. He just tried
to pick up on me big time.

Stand back.

Did you say something
to my girlfriend?

No, man. I...

I think you did, man.

Oof!

There's your punch line,
you stupid fuck.

Oh, man.

That guy is un-cool.

You know
what they say...

Behind the mask
of a clown

lies a trail
of tears.

Wow. My jaw is killin' me.

Schecky...

Why don't
you just go home

and go to bed?

Yeah. All right.
I'll just go home

and go to bed alone.
Again.

I can't go to sleep.
I'm too depressed.

I wonder where
I'll be in, like,

in, like, 10 years.

In 10 years from now,

I will be a TV broadcaster
on a television station.

I will be married
and have 2 children.

I hope to be
firmly established

in my career,

possibly married
and with 2 children.

Several children
would be nice

and just a happy
home life.

I'll probably be
a bagel vendor

or something.

I know what will
cheer me up!

Meditation!

I'll just go meditate
until the sun rises.

Ohm. Ohm.

Ohm.

Ohm.

Aw, man!
I can't get women.

I can't get laughs.

I'm not even
a good waiter.

This sucks.
I'm so depressed.

I think I'm going
to just escape reality

right now and go to sleep.

[Snickering]

Schecky,
or should I say, porky?

[Rim shot]

[Laughing]

Aw, scheck, you got
an apple in your mouth.

Where's William tell
when you need him?

Look at you.

You look just like
your sister, a pig.

[Laughing]

You wearing
a straightjacket? Oh!

In your case
it might be a homojacket.

You're a loser, scheck

a loser.
[Laughing]

You're a loser.
[Laughs]

You're a loser, scheck.
[Laughs]

Hey, scheck,
here's my closing bit.

[Grunting and moaning]

Aah!

Oh, boy, that dream sucked.

I'm going
to go to sleep again.

And this time,
it's going to be better.

* ooh, ooh

* each day
through my window *

* I watch her
as she passes by *

* I say to myself

* you're such
a lucky guy *

* to have
a girl like her *

* is truly
a dream come true *

* out of all the fellas
in the world *

* she belongs to me

* but it was
just my imagination *

* running away with me

* it was
just my imagination *

* running away with me

* ohh, ohh

* soon we'll be married

* and raise
a family... *

mommy!

What the hell
are you doing, schecky?

Are you trying
to kill me?

Who are these girls?

I knew you were suicidal.

I knew it.

You're going to die
from this, schecky.

Your weeny's
going to fall off

just like your father's.

Do you hear me, schecky?

It felt so great.

Her breasts
were like baseballs.

They were hard and firm,

and they stuck out
like torpedoes.

Schecky. Schecky. Schecky.

Schecky. Schecky!

Schecky! Schecky.

Oh, you should have
seen her.

My God,
it was unbelievable.

I mean, she was
begging for me.

She loved me.
Talk about luck.

I mean, man, oh, man,
oh, man, oh, man,

oh, man, oh, man.

Did I ever tell you

you look just like
my mother?

No.

You really do. Whoa!
What time is it?

It's time for work.

Hey, I didn't know
you slept in your uniform.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, she told me her name
was debbi with an "I",

and she did a spread
for hustl magazine.

Ooh, debbi
with an "I"?

Uh, did she do,
like,

a 7-page spread
with a pig?

I saw that.

Wow.

Well, all right.

You see,
there's this girl

I met, right?

And anything that
girl tells me, I do.

For example,
I asked her

on a scale
of 1 to 10,

what am I?

And she said,
"you're an 8,"

so I peed
on her shoes.

Ur-in-ate.

I don't know.

Maybe you should
avoid telling actual jokes

and just stick to improvising
and talking with the audience.

I thought it was funny.

Yeah?

A lot funnier than that
jerk they hired

as the ship's comedian.

You actually thought
that joke was funny?

Let me put it
this way.

He's funny.
The other guy's a hack.

Yeah.
I am funny.

He really
is a hack,

isn't he?
Yeah.

[Rocky theme plays]

I don't want
any cheap shots.

I don't want any hitting
below the waist.

I don't want any food
or drink on the mat.

That's a new one.
And may the best man win.

Let's go.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ok. All right.
Let's go, brillo-head.

Look at you.

You got more teeth
than a fucking saw.

[Boing]

Look at your mouth.
What are doing,

stunt work
for Mr. ed?

[Boing]

Hey, those are nice legs
you got there.

I saw them
the other night.

I was in
a Japanese restaurant.

Yeah, I used them
to pick up my Sushi.

Oh! Uhh!
Ref, come on.

That was below
the belt.

I didn't see anything.

Ahh! Ooh,
you're a winner, baby.

You're always thinking,
and I like that.

What, is that black hat
on there to show respect

to your dead brain?

Oh, jeez,
I like that, sasquatch.

Got enough hair
on your back?

You want me
to braid it for ya?

Oh, look it's speedo bandito
there. I like that.

Huh, what are smuggling in
a half a roll of certs?

Ha ha. Oh,
by the way,

I do weddings,
in case your parents

decide on getting married.

What's that
around your neck?

Your mother's leash?

Man:
You buffoon.

Ooh, hoo
hoo hoo.

[Birds chirping]

[Crowd cheers]

Hey! Schecky!
Snap out of it.

You looked like
you were fantasizing

about killing Dickie diamond
or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We better go serve
these drinks, Bob.

Oh, right.

Miss Australia:
Politics are, like,

really weird.
I mean, they're, like,

I never think about them
unless somebody says,

"what do you think
about politics," you know?

But I think world leaders

are real important
to the future of the world.

World peace
would be nice,

but would be nicer,
would be...

Everyone would get
whatever they wish for.

In life.

We can
all work as one,

then that's when
world peace will come around.

Oh, Panama.
Oh, general noriega.

I think he
should be killed

for killing people
who vote against him.

Well, I think he should see
a dermatologist, you know?

I can tell by just looking
at general noriega

that he has a really icky,
rancid breath

that's so bad that
when he's talking to you,

you have to hold
your own breath

to keep from gagging.

See, I have this really
strong sense of smell.

He has a...
Probably, you know,

doesn't use any form
of personal, you know,

hygienic protection,
you know, deodorant.

I think he probably...

He has stinky armpits,
as well. Um, probably...

You know, if you, like,
put a pizza in...

If you don't eat a pizza
and you put it in the fridge

for, like, you know,
couple of days,

well, maybe like 10 days,

and you got it out
and you left it out

for a couple of hours
and then you went back

and wanted to take a bite?

And it's that smell that
you get just before you,

like, put it in your mouth.

I think it's probably a bit
like what he smells like.

I just wouldn't want
to spend any real time

with the man.

In fact, I rather spend
a whole day with Ted Bundy...

Huh! I smell?

Bad breath?

Eh? We see who gets
the last laugh here,

you leftover, worthless
kangaroo vomit.

Ohh!

See that woman?

Where?

No, idiot,
on the TV there.

That woman
there?

That woman
on the TV there?

That woman on the TV.
I want her killed.

Her name
is miss Australia.

She said I smelled
like pizza.

No! Like
a pizza?

A pizza.

What kind
of pizzas?

An old pizza.

[Sniffs]

Um, an old,
uh, cheese pizza?

With, uh,
anchovies?

[Gunshot]

And, um, uh,
what kind of crust?

I want her killed.
What does that matter?

Uh, round,
uh pizza?

It don't matter.
Kill miss Australia.

You want us
to kill the woman

on the videoscreen?

That woman
on the videotape, yes.

Um, you want us
to kill that girl there

in the videotape
that you rented?

We going to kill her?

That girl
in there now

in the tape that
you rented killed.

Sí.

Where is she?

She's
in the store

with
the videotapes?

You, you listen
to me, huh?

Huh? I say lick toilet,
you lick toilet.

I say pick the nose,

you pick the nose.

I say kill
videotape girl,

you kill videotape girl.

Huh?

Oh, yes, sir!
She's dead.

We, we kill
miss Australia.

We going, um, um,
we going to kill

crocodile dundee.

She's dead.

Dog meat
dead, sir.

She is, um,
a deader than a koala

on the freeway way, sir.

She's deader
than

shrimps
on the Barbie.

Dead as
a koala bear.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
You 2 comedians?

[Mumbling]

Go! Go! Go kill
miss Australia.

Get out!

* he goes
into the room *

* everybody
runs and hides *

* he never be a groom

* he never catch
a bride *

* it's a sad,
sad world *

* when your head
looks like a pizza *

* but it's sadder,
sadder still *

* when no girl
wants to meet ya *

miss Australia: Well,
I'll bet his best friends

don't even want
to talk to him.

You know,
I... i think he stinks.

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey! Hey!

Now, schecky, fighting
isn't going to solve anything.

Shut up, Bob.

[Grumbling]
Son of a bitchin' boat's

rocking my goddamn head off
for Christ's sake.

[Foghorn]
Ow! Oh!

Oh! Fucking...
[Foghorn]

Oh, fuck you.

Fucking bullhorn out of
nowhere, for Christ's sake.

Fuck, bullshit,
bull... oh... horn. Shit.

Fucking playing...

Feel like I'm doing
the polka, for Christ's sake.

Just... oh, oh.

Christ, more stairs
than fucking notre dame.

Jesus Christ.

Hi, Dickie.

I just had the
greatest interview.

I spoke all about
my political beliefs

and I said
what you told me to

about
general noriega.

Oh, that's
fucking great, Ellen.

That's wonderful.
Listen.

Why don't you just
do me a favor, ok?

Take off for a while.
I need some space. Ok, honey?

Sure, no problem.

I'm going
to go and get

a pastrami sandwich.

[Stomach roils]

Fucking pastrami sandwich.

She knows fucking
Dickie diamond hates

pastrami sandwiches.

Oh, shit. Ocean.

Uhh! Fuck!
Oh, shit!

Fuck you!
Fuck. Fuck. Uhh!

Fuck that. You got...
I'm walking away from this.

I'm fucking
walking away from this.

You got nothing. Hah!

[Stomach roils]
Fuck!

Fuck that.

Son of a bitch.
My best hat!

Ohh! Ohh!

Fucking stairs. Great!
More fucking stairs.

Fuck.

Oh! Porcelain goddess.

Uhh! Here I come.

Aah!

Dickie!

Aah! Oh, my God!

Dickie!

Help!
Man overboard!

My God!
Man overboard!

Help! Dickie!

Dickie diamond
doesn't throw up.

My agent's
fucking fired.

He's out.

Hey.

Hey! Open
the fucking door!

Aw, shit!

Aw, fuck!

Hey! Hey!

Aw, come on,
somebody open...

Where's a fucking maid
when you need one?

Open the fu...
Aw, fuck.

Fuck. Oh, shit.

Richard "Dickie"
Scott Brian David

diamond steinwitz.

He was such a funny man.

A man who made us laugh.

A man who brightened
our hearts

and opened up
our every day

with endless
possibilities

of laughter.

The guy talked about
banging his grandmother.

What is this?

Let's us pray.

Let us look
at our books...

Psalm 29, Jackson 5.

Red Sox 4, Yankees 3

in the bottom
of the eighth.

God! Is that
a porpoise out there?

[Speaking hebrew]

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.

Let us pray that
Richard "Dickie" Scott

diamond steinwitzman

is in heaven

entertaining
the angels

in that great microphone
of the sky.

What are we
going to do?

Who's going to
make us laugh

the rest of
the cruise?

I mean,
who's going to

brighten
our days

and open
our hearts now?

Who?

Whoa, man! This is
my big chance here.

If I volunteer,
I'm going to be

the ship's comedian.

Aw, that'd be great.

But if I don't,
I'm just going to be

schecky
the schmuck waiter

the rest of my life,

and I'll never touch
a woman again

and I just... i got
to touch a woman.

I just want to grab her.
I just want to...

Oh, God that
would be good.

But I... but I can't
do it.

I just can't do it.
I don't know.

I'm too crazy.
I'm nervous.

I bet... i mean,
I'm probably the one

who killed
Dickie diamond.

I was so jealous
of that guy.

I just... I'm not
going to do it.

I won't do it.
There's no...

I can't do it.

There's no way
I'm going to...

Holy cow!
Who are you?

Schecky!

I am king Neptune,
God of the sea.

I couldn't help
overhearing

what you
were thinking.

Not that I eavesdrop
or anything,

but I couldn't help
hearing you were,

uh, well, that you
wanted to be

the ship comedian.

Ha ha. But you
have doubts, my son.

Doubts that you
shouldn't have.

Wait. Am I hallucinating here?
Are you for real or what?

Sure as that
big nose

on the end
of your face.

Ahh, jeez.
An anti-semitic fish.

You're definitely not
a giflte fish, I guess?

Listen!
You got to have

a sense of humor
to be king

of that cesspool,
Sonny.

Su toilet is mi
casa, ¿comprende?

Don't tell me
you're unworldly

and you lack
confidence, to boot.

Sheesh,
it's a good thing

I felt it my duty
to tell you

to go for it!

Take the job
as ship comedian.

These people
need you.

Well, hey, hey!
They need me?

[Falsetto]
They need me?

Yes, they need you!
What are you

fishing for
compliments here?

Everyone
needs to laugh.

May the gods be
my witnesses

I've been
at the brunt

of a few
too many jokes

at the office
water cooler,

let me tell you!

Mismanagement
they said! My tail!

I'll put a hex
on exxon! [Sings]

I remember when I was
the prince of...

Ok, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

I mean, is this going to be
a big long story here?

We don't have time
for that.

You know,
I got a responsibility.

There's a movie here,

and, you know,
they don't want to hear this.

So you understand,
yeah?

You got
a time thing?

Time issue?

We don't have time.

Well,
I just thought

I'd give you
a little confidence.

You just go ahead,
Mr. sailorpants.

Why don't you
just finish?

Oh, man.
No, really,

king Neptune, thank you.
I appreciate it.

But remember...

The power
of laughter!

I'll do it!
I'll do it!

I'll be ship comedian.
Ya... hooo!

Yeah!

[Singing in spanish]

Quit banging!

I'm not banging.
I'm drumming.

It's good for me.

Quit drumming!

Ok.

Um...
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Um, the big stinky man.

The big stinky man
who?

The big stinky man
is you!

Shut up, achmed,
you're not funny.

I am funny.
I'm very funny.

Achmed is funny!

Oh, man, what happens
if I go up there

and I die
a miserable death?

They're not
gonna like me.

I'm gonna
blank up there.

Someone's gonna
throw food at me.

I'll be hit in the head
with a meatloaf.

Schecky.

I'll get
thrown overboard.

The shark's gonna
rip my legs off.

Schecky!

Now, no one's
gonna hate you

as long as you
act natural,

but I think if we sang
a little song right now,

you'd feel
a little better.

All right.

Ok.

* comedy,
such a lovely lady *

* lady

* she'll pick you up

* pick you up

* when you're feelin' blue

* feelin' blue

* she'll run her fingers
through your hair *

* your hair

* and make you feel
that someone cares *

* someone cares

* about you

* about you,
about you *

* skid skid-a-Lee doo

* skid-a-Lee doodle-Lee
doodle-Lee doo *

now, don't you
feel better?

I do. I do.

Ok. Now, you don't
have to try to be funny.

Just be yourself.

You don't
have to tell jokes.

Hey, you're right.
I'll just talk to 'em.

I'll just
ask 'em questions

about themselves,
and that's it.

Right.
Now, that's good.

Now, fix your hair,
wipe your eyebrows...

Oh. Got it.

Wipe your nose,
smell your breath,

check your armpits,
tie your shoes...

I got dat.

And sit up straight.

Ahh!

Eh!

Holy shit.
Look at me.

I look like
a fuckin' zombie.

You fuckin' sicko.

Holy shit.

All right.
All right.

That's it.

I'm fuckin'
dyin' in here.

I'm gonna
fuckin' shrivel up

like a fuckin'
piece of bacon.

Oh, boy. I am very
nervous right now.

This is a frightening
thing to do...

Take over for
a dead comedian

that everybody
loved so much.

All right. Here it goes.
Here we go.

I'm gonna do it right now.

Hey, everybody.
How are you doin' tonight?

[Crowd groans
and microphone screeches]

Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
That's good.

Uh, you, sir. Hi.

Hi. What's your name?

Dave.

Dave. We got Dave here.

Dave. Hey, Dave.
What do you do for a living?

I'm a construction
worker.

Dave's a construction
worker, everybody.

See that? So, Dave,
what do you construct?

I construct
buildings.

What the fuck else
would I construct?

Oh. Oh. That's good.
All right.

Well, so, Dave, do you
think that constructing

is an easy job, or do
you think it's a hard job?

[Whispers]

You know what?
Listen, butthole.

Why don't you quit
tryin' to be funny,

because
all you're doin'

is pissin' me off.

Oh. Um, hey.
That kind of sounded

like my ex-girlfriend
right there. Ha ha!

Woman: You suck!

But she's a little bit
bigger than Dave. Ha ha!

Man: Get off, big nose.

All I'm saying is,

I'm not very good
with relationships.

Woman: Boring.

That's all I was trying
to say right there. Ha ha!

Um, hi. How are you doing
there? What's your name?

I hate you!

Oh, this isn't goin'
too well, is it?

Well, why don't we just
start over right now?

Man: Get off.

Just give me a chance.
I'm pretty funny.

Ok, look.
Here's a good joke.

Um, all right.

There's a proctologist,
right? And he's...

We want Dickie.

We want Dickie.

We want Dickie.

We want Dickie.

We want Dickie.

Hey, hey, hey.
What do you want?

I mean, the guy is dead.

You want to hear
a corpse or something?

You know what?

A corpse
would be funnier

than you are.

I want to hear
croaker sing.

[Crowd cheering]

No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, no. No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Hey. All right.

Let's rock!

[Screaming]

[Rock music playing]

* well, I'm on the prowl
out the cat door *

* 'cause I'm in love
with a little girl, boy *

* hear her howl,
lovely woman *

* serving me
some hot, hot tuna *

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside his head

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* meow

* well, I climb the walls
over tail so fine *

* my furry paws
want your behind *

* all come for love
to me *

* I'm so wild
and so in heat *

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside the head

* gonna slap your cat

* right now

* gonna slap your cat

* upside his head, yeah

* I'm gonna
slap your cat, baby *

* yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

give me that jacket.

Give it here.
Give it up.

I failed, man.
I failed.

King Neptune was wrong.
Nobody needs me.

King Neptune?

Yeah, king Neptune.
He's God of the sea?

Oh, there he is,
right over there.

Bob: Oh.

Schecky, uh, can I
be honest with you?

Yeah, Bob. You can
be honest with me.

Come on.
Let's take a walk.

Schecky,
I hate comedians.

Not all comedians,
though.

Just 99% of them.

See, to me,

stand-up comedy
is such a sad thing.

I mean,
it's so pathetic.

It's absolutely the
most degrading thing

a human being can
put himself through,

standing up
on stage, alone,

talking
about how fat

or how bald
or how ugly you are.

I mean,
spilling your guts

about
your family history

and your
alcoholic father,

blatantly begging
the audience

to love you,
to accept you,

and give you
the love

that you never had
as a child.

It's pathetic,
schecky.

It's an empty,
loveless...

Bob. Bob, what
are you trying to say?

Let me
put it this way.

Comedy is like
this life preserver.

Ahh! Comedy is round

with ropes hanging
off of it. All right.

See, schecky,
that wasn't funny.

I know you
probably said that

to make me laugh and
to like you more,

but you didn't
have to, see?

I like you
enough already.

Bob, stop,
all right? Stop.

I'm gonna
have to ask you

to stop being
a psychoanalyst

and just...
You're too stupid

to tell me anything,
all right?

I like comedy.
I like being funny.

That's it.
All right?

Ok. Ok.

Then maybe
you should try

telling some jokes
this time

instead of just
being yourself.

I mean, maybe
that would work.

That is a great
idea, Bob. Jokes.

You hit it
right on the head,

but first,
let's see a montage

of some beautiful women.

* doo doo doo
doo doo doo *

* doo doo doo
doo doo doo *

* ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah

* doo doo doo
doo doo doo *

* I met a gentle woman

* she took my heart away

* she said I had it
comin' to me *

* that I wanted it
that way *

* I think any lovin'
is good lovin' *

* so I took what
I could get *

* yeah, I took
what I could get *

* ooh, she looked at me
with those big brown eyes *

* and said,
you ain't seen nothin' yet *

* b-b-baby, you ain't
seen nothin' yet *

* here's somethin'

* here's somethin'
you'll never forget *

* baby, you ain't
seen nothin' yet *

* you ain't been
around now, honey *

the meat,
it's good.

And more.

I mean, it's...
It's a lot.

Perfect.

Your wife, she
make that for you?

Yes.

Nice wife.

Uh-huh.

I don't have wife.

Your salami,
it's very big.

Big enough
for 2 peoples.

Big enough
for 3 peoples.

There's enough there for
whole family of peoples

haven't eaten
for whole weeks.

Cut me a little slice.

No.

Give me a little?
No.

Give me a little
hunk!

No.
Why not?

Give me a little.
No.

Give me a little
hunk!

No, no.
Son of a bitch.

Give me your salami.

[Arguing]

Is this the way
generals wear them?

Yes. Sí.

Ha ha! This one
goes up, over,

and this one
goes under?

Sí. One moves up,
one... heh heh!

You know what my mother
says about you?

Heh heh!
Ha ha!

She says you're
an untrained animal.

Ha ha!
Heh heh!

But you should hear
what my father says.

No, I... i can't.
No, no, no.

Go to the ship.

Heh heh!
Ha ha!

What is it,
Robinson crusoe?

What does
your father say?

Oh, no, no.
My father doesn't... no.

I promised him,
pinky swear.

He said
I couldn't tell.

Well, does he
like me, or no?

Uh, he says
he has to like you.

Ha ha!
Ha ha!

I don't think
he voted for you, though.

Oh, well, we'll...
We forgive that.

Heh heh!
Ha ha!

I'll tell
my father that.

That you'll
let him out of jail.

Ha ha!
Heh heh!

Not yet.

Yes, I will.
Couple years.

Ha ha!
Ha ha!

A couple years?

Well,
he's not that old.

Hoo hoo!
Ha ha!

Oh, you're terrible.

You are really bad.

No, no, no, no.
He's a good man.

In a couple years,
he'll...

Couple years?

Well, yes.
He find philosophy.

For what?

He find philosophy
in the can.

Ha ha!

Is that
where you find it?

Sure. In the can.

You wear
these fuckin' things?

Look at you.

Nice fuckin'
patent leather fucker.

Ridiculous fuckin' shoes
you're wearing.

You wearing these?

Nothin' good for that.

They're not even good for
bangin' on the fuckin' door.

Hello.

I don't know. Maybe
it is, maybe not.

I don't think
it's grounds

for legal action,
croakie.

That's
all I'm sayin'.

I don't think it is.

I don't care
what it costs, man.

I want that guy sued,
all right?

I'm singin' my song,

and I made it very
clear to that guy

I wanted to be shot
from a higher angle.

He shoots me
from straight on,

it makes my nose
look absolutely huge.

My fans are not
gonna accept...

Dickie: Hey. Hey.

Hey, let me out.
It's Dickie diamond.

I'm in
the fuckin' bathroom.

Whoa! Wait a minute.
Is that that...

Ooh,
that's that guy.

That's the dead guy,
the comedian.

Whoa, man,
this is weird,

because if he's dead...

If he's dead, how
could he be screamin'?

I don't know,
croakie.

Maybe it's his...

Maybe
it's his ghost.

Dickie: Let me out.

Wait a minute, man.
You're scarin' me.

Yeah.

Don't scare me
like that, man.

I can't take
this ghost stuff.

How do I
get off this boat?

[Dickie pounds]

Let me out, you fucks.

This ship
is haunted, man.

Get me off this ship.
This ship is haunted.

I gotta get
off this ship, man.

Croakie,
listen to me.

Listen.
Listen to me.

Listen to me,
croakie.

Let me out, you little fuck.

Croaker: Help me.
Help me get off this boat.

Help me. I gotta
get out of here now.

No. No.
I gotta get out of here.

[Voices fade]

No. Motherfuckers.

These fuckin' fag socks
you've been wearin'.

Look at this shit.

Oh, fuck.

[Sniffs] Shit.
That's twice as bad.

Maybe I can
go out through there.

Fuck, it's a toilet.
Flush myself out.

Come on, somebody. Please?

Aha!

You cheated.

That's not cheating.

That's cheatin'.
Nn-nn.

Are you gonna wear that
for your comedy act?

Oh, I was thinkin'
of it. Yeah.

No. No.

I think you should
wear your pink shirt.

Oh. Oh. Well, if I'm
gonna change shirts,

I'll probably just
wear my green shirt.

No, no, no. The pink
shirt shows off your tan.

Oh.
It's a nice shirt.

Yeah, you're right,
but I like green.

The green shirt
would be better.

The pink is much
better, much better.

No, I'm gonna...

See, green... luck
is green.

No, no, no.
Pink. Pink.

I like green.
Pink.

Green is good.
Pink. Pink.

Green. Green
is what I...

Pink.
Green.

Green. Green.
Pink. Pink.

Pink.
Green.

Why don't you
wear 'em both?

Yeah.
I could do that.

Ok.
Yeah.

Where are we?

We're in the middle
of the ocean.

I know we're in the
middle of the ocean,

you idiot.

Where in the middle
of the ocean?

Who do I look like
to you, a compass?

You a navigator,
stupid.

You are navigator,
stupid.

Dumb stupid.

Who is
holding the map?

Who is holding
map?

Oh. I am.

So you
are navigator.

Ok. Give it to me.

Oh, no.
Give it to me.

I am navigator.

Give it to me.

I am navigator.

Give it to me.

Look what
you are doing.

Oh, my God.
Look at that.

Huh?

Oh!
Uh!

Uh!
Oh!

Oh!
Oh!

My map.
My map.

I want
my map.

I want to just
tell you thank you

for giving me
another chance up here.

You're really nice to me.
I appreciate it,

and I swear this time,

you're not gonna
be disappointed,

because, well, I've
been workin' on an act.

Man: Who cares?

Yeah. Thank you.
Thank you.

Well, I figured
I'd begin off...

I'll tell you what
happened to me inside.

There was an old lady
in there, right,

and these 4 guys were, like,

really messin' with her
and givin' her trouble,

these really... hoodlums,
bad-lookin' characters,

and one of 'em
stole her purse,

and another one...

I was watchin'
this the whole time...

Grabbed her by the ring

and was tryin' to yank
her wedding ring off.

It was very expensive,
I guess,

'cause she was
fighting and fighting.

She was screaming,
"help me, help me, help me."

Finally, I couldn't
take it anymore.

I ran over to the guy.
I said, "hey, buddy",

"why don't you put
some butter on her finger

and the ring
will slide right off."

Woman: You suck, loser.

Ekebem?

What?

Do you like me?

No.

Not at all?

Not at all.

I like you.

So?

So, you should
like me, too,

you know?

It's a boat.

It's a boat.

The boat.
The boat.

The boat.
The boat.

It's a boat.

Miss Australia,
you are dead!

It's a boat.

You are dead,
miss Australia!

Well, don't think
I'm a bad guy,

'cause I'm not a bad guy.
I'm pretty cool.

I mean, I have a conscience,

that's what
I'm tryin' to say.

Like, when I was a kid,

I used to steal
alka-seltzer all the time,

and I'd feed the seagulls,
and they'd blow up.

First woman: Pu!

Second woman:
We like 'em big, boy.

Boo!
Boo!

Man: Hey, idiot.

I don't get it.

I think this is funny.

Is it me? Do I have no idea
of what makes people laugh?

Do I know nothing about
the art of comedy?

Hmm.

I wonder what
Milton berle would do

if he was in that spot.

Milton berle: Hey,
kid, you got a light?

That... that sounded
like Milton berle.

Are you Milton berle?

If it's not, I had
a lot of fun with his wife.

Were you just
talking to yourself?

Did I hear you say
you were a stand-up comic?

Yes, sir.

Hey, pretty good lookin'
for one of them,

and I love that shirt
you're wearin'.

You never throw
anything away, do you?

I'm kiddin'.

Sit down.
Have a seat.

Right here
at your table?

No, in the kitchen.

Thank you, Mr. berle.

What's your name?

Schecky moskowitz.

Schecky moskowitz.

With a name like that,

you should get
a laugh right away.

So, kid, it looks
like you have a problem.

You're thinkin'
about something.

Tell me,
what can I do for you?

Well, Milton...
Oh, I'm sorry...

Mr. berle,

I need your advice
on getting laughs.

I was on this ship,
and I did my act,

and nobody laughed,

and I couldn't
understand why.

Tell me one of the jokes
that you did on the ship.

Oh, all right. Ok.
All right.

There are these two
hoodlums, right,

and they see
this old lady,

and this lady's got
this big ring on,

so they run over

and they start
yanking on her ring,

and they're pullin'
on the ring,

and this lady's
lookin' at me,

goin', "help me,
help me, help me,"

and, you know, I had
to do somethin',

so I run over to
the hoodlums, right?

Hold it.

Hoodlums?

Is this
the butter joke?

Yeah.
That's the joke.

No wonder
they didn't laugh.

Were there any hoodlums
or gangsters in the audience

when you told that joke?

Uh, no. I told it

to a bunch
of beauty queens.

Beauty queens?
Oh, no.

And then I
told them the one

about blowing up
the seagulls.

Blowing up seagulls.

Kid, you're using
the wrong technique.

Young man,
come over here just...

Have you got
a pencil on you?

Yes, sir.

Well, thank you
very much.

You got a pad?
Sure.

That's it.
Thank you.

All right.
Now you're workin'.

Schecky...

All right.

Don't make a whole
federal case out of it.

What I'd like you
to do now,

write these gags down,
schecky.

I think all those
beautiful queens

will identify with them.

Last week,
I dated a girl

that had everything
a man would want...

Mustache,
hair under the arms,

bushy eyebrows.

You talk about
the same girl.

You say,
what a nose.

She had to lift it
to eat.

And follow
that up with,

one good lipstick
brought out her lips,

and one good sneeze
brought out her teeth.

This girl had very
affectionate eyes.

They always kept
lookin' at each other.

This should be a boffo.

And when she
opened one eye,

all she could see
was the other one.

And her boobs
were very small...

So small, she had to carry
her nipples in her pocket.

Now, you try
those jokes, schecky.

They'll all work.
They always did.

Well, so long, kid.

Lots of good luck.

Thank you,
Mr. berle.

Oh, uh,
one more thing.

Schecky, always remember
that you're a comic,

that you possess
the strongest weapon

for bringing
people together

and making them
feel happy.

There's nothing more
important in the world

than the power
of laughter.

Remember that.

Bye-bye.

Whoa.
The power of laughter.

King Neptune was talkin'
about the power of laughter.

Maybe this phrase
is gonna, like,

tie the whole story
together

in some clever way
or something.

Hmm.

Uh, where am I goin'?

I have no idea
where I am right now.

I'm walkin' around like
I know where I'm goin'.

I don't know what...
Let's see.

How do I get
back to the ship?

Maybe I should use some,
like, magical comedy phrase.

I'll try that. Um, ok.

Why'd the chicken
cross the road?

Nothin'. Nah. No good.

Um, why do firemen
wear red suspenders?

No good. Nothin'.

Um, ok. Uh,
take my wife, please.

Ooh. That's the one,
right there.

Right there.
Take my wife, please.

Take my wife, please.

Take my wife, please.

Take my wife, please.

[Appreciative laughter]

Hey. Hey.
Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot.
Thank you, baby.

All right.

Ho ho ho!
Thank you very much.

Thank you.
I appreciate it.

Well, anyway,
so I see this guy

on the street
the other day, right?

He tells me
he's got agent orange.

I said, "at least you
have an agent." Boom!

Ha ha!

All right. Ok.
My grandmother.

I was talkin' to
my grandmother the other day.

What a lady.
You'd love her.

She's deaf
in both ears, right,

so we bought her
2 hearing aids.

She keeps puttin' 'em
both in the same ear.

She's deaf over here,

she's got, like,
bat-like hearing over here.

Did somebody say
nursing home?

That's her. That
was her voice. Ha ha!

[Machine guns firing]

[Crowd screaming]

What's happening?
Who is that over there?

What's going on?
Hey, I thought...

What, is there a sale
on bikinis or something?

What's wrong
with you?

What's wrong with me?
I'm doin' great.

These people love me.
You see, I'm finally cookin'.

I'm start...
I'm a-rollin'.

Oh!

Ow.

Come on. We got
to get out of here.

Why?

My God! My God!
Terrorists! Terrorists!

That's why.

Oh.

[Rumbling]

Holy shit.

[People screaming]

We fuckin' hit an iceberg.

We hit an iceberg.

Holy shit.
Another Titanic.

Hurry up, schecky.

Come on,
get in here.

I'm comin',
I'm comin', I'm comin'.

Where is miss Australia?

We want her now.
She's ours.

We are not
fooling around here.

We got a big,
fat problem here.

We need to have
a little talk with her.

This is no joke.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Hello.
Testing 1, 2, 3.

Hello.

This is going out
to all the people

on the boat.

All the people.

All we want
is miss Australia.

Mrs. Australia!

Miss Australia!

Miss Australia?

Say, isn't that the late
Dickie diamond's girlfriend?

How would I know?
I haven't done any scenes

with Dickie diamond
and his girlfriend.

I'm quite sure it is.
Hey, that's great.

They want to kill her.
She's a real bitch, man.

You guys shouldn't
talk mean about people

behind their backs.

Oh, well, I didn't
see you there.

I'll say it
to your face.

You're a pig, honey.
You were mean to me

the other night
in the bar.

Well, I was a different
woman back then

when Dickie was alive.

Now that he's dead,
I'm my own woman.

I've got my own mind
and it works for me

and nobody else.

Good for you.

Mrs. Australia!

Miss Australia,
you little kangaroo,

big mouth bad breath.

You better come out!

Oh, my God.

It's time to meet
your mayor.

My God, they want me
to meet the mayor?

No, no. I think he's
speaking broken English

right there.

He wants you
to meet your maker.

He wants
to kill you.

Do you have
an education?

[Crying]

Oy, miss Australia,

when I find you,

I'm gonna
take your hands

and I'm
gonna cut off

all your pretty
little fingernails

and I'm gonna
swallow them...

Yum!

And they're
gonna go through

my digestive tract.

And the only thing is,

they're not
gonna digest!

Oh, my God! He can't.

All I said was
that general noriega

had bad breath.

It took me months
to grow these.

You know, I broke one,

and then just as it
was growing back,

I broke another one.

They're finally all even.

He can't do it.
He can't!

I've got to get
out of here!

No, no, Ellen.
Ellen, wait!

Wow.

Don't women look funny
when they run in heels?

Let's go.

Oh, there she goes!

Well, go, go!

[Fires gun]

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

Oh!

Look out!

* nowhere
to run to, baby *

* nowhere to hide, no

* got nowhere
to run to, baby *

* and nowhere to hide

* it's not love I've
been running from *

* it's the heartbreak
I know will come *

* 'cause I know you're
no good for me *

* but you've become
a part of me *

* everywhere I go

* your face I see

* every step I take

* you take with me

* nowhere
to run to, baby *

* nowhere
to hide, yeah... *

hey, what's
with the shirt?

Oh, this one?

Yeah, that shirt.

Oh, I like the pink one,
and Bob likes the green one.

Which one do you like?

They both stink.

* I know you're
no good for me *

* but free of you

* I'll never be

* no

* each night as I sleep

* into my heart
you creep *

* I wake up feelin'
sorry I met you *

* hopin' soon
that I'll forget you *

* when I look
in the mirror *

* to comb my hair

* I see your face

* just a-smilin' there

* yeah

* nowhere
to run to, baby *

* nowhere to hide

* run to, baby

* got nowhere to run...

Oh, God.

Hey, what's wrong?

Just because I'm pretty,

everybody thinks I'm stupid.

Where did that
come from?

I hate being beautiful.

Sometimes I wish
I was an ugly, old hag

with burn marks or warts
all over my face

and people would
just run in terror

when they looked at me.

Why?

Because being pretty
isn't pretty.

Look, look. We don't
have time for this.

You see, I have this morbid
desire to be deformed.

God, that's beautiful.

I never realized
how hard it was

for a young girl
to be so gorgeous.

It's a living hell.

[Machine gunfire]

* got nowhere
to run to, baby *

* nowhere to hide

* I know you're
no good for me *

* but free of you
I'll never be, no... *

climb the ladder.

Climb the...

Why do you want 'em
to climb the ladder?

[Sighs]

* hopin' soon

* that I'd forget you

* when I look
in the mirror *

* to comb my hair

* I see your face

* just a-smilin' there

* yeah

* nowhere
to run to, baby *

* nowhere to hide

* run to, baby

* got nowhere to run
from you, baby *

* oh, no

* I know you're
no good for me *

* but you've become
a part of me *

* how can I fight
a lover... *

oh, God.

They're gonna kill me
before I get a chance

to be an actress.

All my hopes,

all my dreams.

I had a line
on general hospital

last week.

You did?

What was it?

"Can I get you something
from the bar?"

Oh, my God.

I say that
all the time.

Really? Oh, I wish
you'd been there

to coach me.

Me, too.

Oh, jeez, I can't
believe this.

Do you think
I should tell her

about Bob's little
infection, huh?

Should I?
Forget it.

Yo, miss Australia?

You better
come out here,

or I'm gonna have to
start killing hostages

in 30r 4 seconds...

3 seconds!

Starting with
this girl here.

Maybe we should try
to save her.

No, she always wins
whenever we compete.

This could be my only chance
for miss international.

Now that is
a competitive bitch

right there.

I'm so selfish.

I've got
to give myself up.

You guys stay here.

Just kidding...

Look, I think
the general's a great guy.

I only said it
to be smart.

Look, he probably
smells terrific.

Come to mention it,

you guys aren't
so bad yourself...

Aah!

Shut up! Shut up!

[Squealing]

Hey, Bob?

What are we gonna do
about this?

Well, maybe we should
try to save her.

Yeah, yeah, Bob.

What?

Well, I figured
you just had

your tongue down
the girl's throat.

Maybe you should go
and save her.

[Screaming]

Come on, schecky.

Don't put me
on the spot.

I have a really strong
fear of death.

Oh, I got
a fear of death,

but I also have
a stronger sense

of guilt, man,
and jeez,

I mean, you were
just making out

with the girl.
I would feel

you'd kind of want
to save her.

Fine, fine!

Fine, I'll go.

I'll go and
get shot at

saving some girl
I was just kissing.

You stay here...

Coward!

Oh...

Get off of her!

I was lying
to Bob right there.

I do have a stronger
fear of death

compared to
my sense of guilt,

but death... ew...
Makes me nauseous.

I don't want death.

You get buried
underground,

you get dirt
all over you

with worms... ew...

That's not good.

So, you know,
if I get out there,

there's a chance
I'm gonna get shot,

and I don't
like that,

and that's not good
for my career, either.

You know that
and I know that.

I ain't going.
Oh, yeah.

Come to think of it...

Where do you think
we go...

When we die?

I'm thinking
of that right now.

Well, I feel everyone
goes to purgatory first.

And then, after
everyone prays for you,

you go to heaven.

Heaven is a place
up above...

Pearly gates.

Heaven is bright lights,

real calm, real serene.

Lots of angels
and things.

Ah, I'll tell you
what I think.

I think that
when we die,

we just get on this dark,
lonely spiral...

Right down to nothingness.

That's where we go,
and that's not cool with me.

So, I'm not gonna
get out there,

because I could get shot,
and that would happen to me...

Milton's voice: Schecky,
you remember the power.

Kill 'em with laughs
before they kill you.

That was
that berle guy again.

I guess I better shut up.

What? What?

Milton: Use
the power of laughter.

Laughter?
Power of laughter?

He always said that.

Maybe that has
a meaning or something.

Power of...
Oh, ah, ah!

I know what he means.

Yeah...

I know what he means.

I'll get the...
Skeedil-ee-Dee-da-Dee!

Skeedil-ee Dee-da-Dee!

Aah!

Who are you?

Ah, moskowitz.
Schecky moskowitz.

What's your name
there, pal?

I'm achmed.

Ah, achmed, with
a lot of spit there.

That's good.
What do you do

for a living,
there, huh?

I fight
for the people.

The people's
people's people.

Ah, I like people.

Freedom fighter.
That's me.

I work for the contra
rebels sometimes.

I'm sure you do.
I would, too...

Sometimes I deliver
for domino's.

Half hour or less.

Ok, miss Australia.

Any last requests?

Yes...

I'd like to sing
one last song...

I won the miss Australia
contest with this last year,

and it would really mean
a lot to me.

Ok, sing
your heart out.

* Australia's sons

* let us rejoice

* for we are
young and free... *

this is how my mother
carried me when I was a baby.

But can you let go
a little, please,

because I'm
a little sick.

You know, when I'm sick,
my mother always tells me

to drink liquids.

I think she's
right, though,

because every time
I drink a solid, I choke.

Boom! Ha ha ha.

Yeah.

* with golden soil
and wealth for toil *

* our home is
girt by sea... *

yeah, speaking
of drinks, you know...

This is what I do
to get free drinks.

I kind of insult a girl.

I say, "baby,
you're kind of ugly."

She takes her drink
and throws it in my face.

I open up my mouth, right?

And after 6 or 7 girls,
I get a good buzz going.

Ha ha ha!

* Australia's sons

* let us rejoice

* for we are
young and free *

ok, ok.
That was beautiful.

[Continues singing
unintelligibly]

Ok, that does it!

Aah!

[Laughing]

Yeah, why don't you
give it a whirl, baby?

Come on, give it a try.

Go ahead.

So I said
to the man...

Take my wife...

Please?

Yeah!

Speaking of, um...

My wife,

she's so fat...

How fat is she?

She's so fat...

That when she sits
around the house,

she's all the way
around the house.

[Weakly singing]

Darling...

Achmed...

I want to be
a comedian.

I make
the people laugh.

I think
they love me.

I... i...

[crying]

Are you ok?

Yeah.

Are you ok?

Well, I have a little
bump on my head,

but I don't think
it shows a bruise.

Oh...

Why did you save me?

Because I love you.

Oh, jeez, do you?

I love you, too.

Will you marry me?

Oh, yeah.

I think I'm a laugher,
not a fighter.

Kiss me.

What about killing
miss Australia?

No, forget it.

Schecky said we could
move in with him

and we could... we could
live in America with him

and when...
He could teach us

the fine art of comedy.

Really?

Really.

Will he write
all his own, uh,

comedy material
for us?

I will write
all your material,

of course, and
if you guys want,

I'll get you
in a movie.

See that? There's
a movie camera,

right there.
Why don't you guys

do some comedy?
Right now,

for that camera.

The movies?

Ok...

Ok, um...

So, um...

What's invisible
and smells, um...

Like, like, carrots?

Uh, carrots.
Ok, I know that one.

I know that one...

I don't know that one.

I don't know.

You don't know it?

It's 'cause it's...

It's little, teeny
bunny fart.

[Laughing]

Daddy, let me out.

I won't be fooling
around anymore.

I promise.

Who is it running over
to first base...

With the second base
there guy?

Must be...

Both: Third base!

[Laughing]

Love...

You don't have
any love.

You don't deserve
to wear this.

Somebody...

Please let me out.

I swear to God,

I will never flip
anybody off again.

I'll never curse.

Somebody, please?

If you're up there...

Please.

Ahh...

You stupid motherfuckers.

You stupid fucks!

I'm an atheist!

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Ow.

Achmed: So, I'm for
to play in the baseball

and I'm making touchdown
for the home team.

I'm the hero!

[Laughing]

So, speaking
of the baseballs,

how many one-eyed lizards

does it take to make
a two-eyed lizard?

Hey, hey,
you motherfucker.

3!

3, 3 one-eyed lizards.
Why is it 3?

3 one-eyed lizards,

because one of them
is blinder.

[Laughing]

[Achmed and ekebem
continue bantering]

How can he see?

Because
he's a blind lizard!

You fucking ugly
motherfuckers...

Get the fuck
off my stage.

I want my
fucking job back.

Woman: Hey, look!
That's the dead guy!

Man: Yeah, that's
the dead comedian.

Hey, you're supposed
to be dead.

Dead? You stupid
motherfucker,

I'm not dead.
I'm right here.

I was locked
in the bathroom,

you stupid...

You fucking hijacking,
2-on-one cheaters.

Fuck...

Me!

Thank you very much.
Thank you...

[Laughing]

I am terrorist.
I'm like Rambo.

I am like Rambo.

[Gun cocks]

I am Rambo!

[Gunshot]

Well...

All right.

Everything worked out
just fine, now didn't it?

Let's see.

Well, that rock star
and his sleazy manager?

They have girls hanging
all over 'em now.

And Bob, he has
a gorgeous wife-to-be.

How he got her,
I'll never know,

but stranger things
have happened.

And even
those terrorists.

They got what
they wanted...

An audience.

I...

I guess I got what
I wanted, too, you know?

Now, I'm a big,
funny comedian.

I'm even a hero,

but something's missing.

I'm not sure what it is.

I got a surprise
for you.

Neptune, how you been?

I haven't seen you
in a while.

I'm swell.

I got someone
I want you to meet.

Slimy!

Slimy?

Hello.

Neptune: This is
my daughter, slimy!

Hello, slimy.

My little guppy's
been watching you

in her conch shell
for a week now,

and she's just
been begging me

to introduce you.

You've been watching me
in your conch shell?

Yes.

I really, really,
wanted to meet you.

Wow, she is so sweet.

Hey, um, king Neptune,

I was just wondering
if I could take her

to the bow of the ship
and maybe give her

a kiss, you know,
to close the movie.

Is that all right?

Go ahead, go ahead,
go ahead.

All right...

But have her back
at the reef by 11:00!

And no tongues!

* oh, boy

* who's that girl
over there? *

* I really got
to talk to that chick *

* because that is one cool,
sugar candy girl *

* she's a slick chick

* she's a slick chick

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* once in the U.S.A.

* I was out walking

* a little young girl

* I was seeing

* I see a young girl

* she started smiling

* I walk over

* we started talking

* I say, "hi, babes"

* she said,
"how are you keeping?" *

* I said, "I'm cool"

* "I'm just doing
my own thing" *

* she said "hey, man, I hear
you are the in thing" *

* your keys are ivory
from that Saxon sound system *

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

fuck everybody!

Fuck... fuck you!

Fuck the water!

Fuck this fucking water!

Fuck the boat!

Fuck... fuck noriega!

Fuck schecky!

Fuck everybody!

[Laughs]

Fuck everything!

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* hello, darling

* hello, good-looking

* yeah

* and I'm on the prowl

* going out the cat door

* 'cause I'm in love
with a little girl, boy *

* hear her howl,
lovely woman *

* serving me some
hot, hot tuna *

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside his head

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* well, I climb the walls

* over tail so fine

* and my furry paws

* want your behind

* all come for love to me

* I'm so wild
and so in heat *

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside his head

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah

* gonna slap his head

* boom

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* and I'm on the prowl

* going out the cat door

* 'cause I'm in love

* with a little girl, boy

* hear her howl,
lovely woman *

* serving me some
hot, hot tuna *

* yeah

* yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* upside his head

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

* yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* I'm gonna slap your cat

* yeah, yeah

[explosion]

[Schecky laughing
maniacally]

[Laughing continues]

[Laughing stops]