Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
2
00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,258
My dog's shat herself
right in my bed!
3
00:00:29,261 --> 00:00:30,820
There's something wrong with her!
4
00:00:30,821 --> 00:00:32,620
Are you open?
We're open 24 hours a day.
5
00:00:32,621 --> 00:00:35,620
We were just cuddled up watching
telly, when all of a sudden - bam!
6
00:00:35,621 --> 00:00:37,582
She's covered in shite.
I'm covered in shite.
7
00:00:37,583 --> 00:00:40,241
All the cushions
are covered in shite.
8
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,889
It even hit the TV!
9
00:00:41,994 --> 00:00:44,472
Please, help me!
Sorry, I'm just the receptionist.
10
00:00:44,473 --> 00:00:45,772
But if you fill out this form,
11
00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:48,106
the vet will be with you any minute.
Please!
12
00:00:50,146 --> 00:00:51,424
OK. Let me take a look.
13
00:00:51,425 --> 00:00:52,706
I've got it, Scott.
14
00:00:52,707 --> 00:00:55,146
Not your job to touch the animals.
15
00:00:56,666 --> 00:00:58,186
Clear that up.
16
00:01:14,666 --> 00:01:16,745
Ah! There he is!
17
00:01:16,746 --> 00:01:19,665
Long night at the animal clinic, eh?
18
00:01:19,666 --> 00:01:21,984
Yeah, very. I'm going to
hit the sack.
19
00:01:21,985 --> 00:01:24,984
Listen, come in here a minute.
I've got something to show you.
20
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:27,106
Oh, no, I can
barely keep my eyes open.
21
00:01:27,107 --> 00:01:30,065
Come on, you're going to love it.
22
00:01:30,066 --> 00:01:31,226
I just want to sleep!
23
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,146
Look at these.
24
00:01:36,746 --> 00:01:39,145
George Best's football boots.
25
00:01:39,146 --> 00:01:41,906
He wore them when he played
for Manchester United
26
00:01:41,907 --> 00:01:45,145
in the European Cup Final in 1968.
27
00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:48,184
You can still smell the grass
on 'em. Here, have a smell.
28
00:01:48,185 --> 00:01:49,506
No, really... Smell!
29
00:01:49,507 --> 00:01:52,345
There's George!
30
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:53,826
Worth a bloody mint, these.
31
00:01:53,827 --> 00:01:57,105
And I want you to have them.
32
00:01:57,106 --> 00:01:59,265
Me? No, I can't take these.
33
00:01:59,266 --> 00:02:00,905
It's not a gift, son.
34
00:02:00,906 --> 00:02:02,585
They'd be a payment.
35
00:02:02,586 --> 00:02:03,826
Payment? For what?
36
00:02:05,666 --> 00:02:07,026
I want you to kill me.
37
00:02:08,746 --> 00:02:10,146
Cup of tea?
38
00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:18,865
Right, kids,
are you ready to have some fun?
39
00:02:18,866 --> 00:02:21,786
And, bounce those legs!
Come on, let's roll up now.
40
00:02:21,787 --> 00:02:25,065
And left arm, 1-2.
And right arm, 3-4.
41
00:02:25,066 --> 00:02:28,865
And left leg, 5-6.
And right leg, 7-8.
42
00:02:28,866 --> 00:02:31,184
And again, double time.
Let's have it!
43
00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:33,144
And, all together now. Come on!
44
00:02:33,145 --> 00:02:36,344
And all together, yes!
Let's just do some freestyle.
45
00:02:36,345 --> 00:02:38,864
Freestyle. Who knows
what freestyle means?
46
00:02:38,865 --> 00:02:40,264
Tea and biscuits in a minute.
47
00:02:40,265 --> 00:02:42,946
Freestyle, come on. Both, and right.
And both.
48
00:02:44,906 --> 00:02:47,504
So what do you think, Joey?
Are they getting into it?
49
00:02:47,505 --> 00:02:49,784
Oh, yeah, yeah, deffo.
They're moving way better.
50
00:02:49,785 --> 00:02:52,104
I mean a couple of 'em
even touched their toes today.
51
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:54,986
'Course, they fell smack over
on their faces, but, you know...
52
00:02:54,987 --> 00:02:58,545
We don't make those
kind of jokes here.
53
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,704
We respect the dignity
of our third-agers.
54
00:03:00,705 --> 00:03:02,744
Well, you should've told that
to Mr Connolly
55
00:03:02,745 --> 00:03:05,906
when he started dry humping
Mrs Wallace during squats.
56
00:03:05,907 --> 00:03:09,025
Not much dignity there.
See you Friday.
57
00:03:09,026 --> 00:03:10,186
See YOU Thursday.
58
00:03:21,666 --> 00:03:22,745
Oh, fuck!
59
00:03:22,746 --> 00:03:24,784
That's not a very cheery welcome.
60
00:03:24,785 --> 00:03:26,944
You said I had a month.
Two weeks ago.
61
00:03:26,945 --> 00:03:29,144
Well, yes, so I've still
got 12...a fortnight!
62
00:03:29,145 --> 00:03:31,104
He's scaring me.
Relax, my friend.
63
00:03:31,105 --> 00:03:33,544
We are not here to kill you.
Oh, good.
64
00:03:33,545 --> 00:03:36,344
I'm just going to break your finger.
My fin... wait! No!
65
00:03:36,345 --> 00:03:38,784
Last time we lent you money,
it took too long to pay back.
66
00:03:38,785 --> 00:03:40,344
We just can't take that risk again.
67
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,704
Now, come, give me your hand.
OK, OK, hang on!
68
00:03:42,705 --> 00:03:44,544
Why don't we just pretend
it's broken.
69
00:03:44,545 --> 00:03:46,344
I'll put a cast on it.
I'll never use it.
70
00:03:46,345 --> 00:03:48,864
I'm a great actor.
I did Peter Pan at junior school.
71
00:03:48,865 --> 00:03:50,904
And then what am I supposed to do?
72
00:03:50,905 --> 00:03:52,304
Lie to the people who pay me?
73
00:03:52,305 --> 00:03:54,184
You don't expect a man
like me to lie?
74
00:03:54,185 --> 00:03:56,266
I don't expect it,
but I would quite like it.
75
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:57,986
Eh?
76
00:03:59,626 --> 00:04:01,064
Yeah, I like that one!
77
00:04:01,065 --> 00:04:02,626
OK, OK, I will make you a deal.
78
00:04:02,627 --> 00:04:04,345
Oh, thank God! Or Allah.
79
00:04:04,346 --> 00:04:06,264
I mean, is it Allah with you two?
80
00:04:06,265 --> 00:04:08,504
Cos I love the guy!
You may choose the finger.
81
00:04:08,505 --> 00:04:11,584
What?! No! I will give you
ten seconds, or I choose.
82
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,544
No, no, no, look, honest,
I was Captain Hook!
83
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,866
He was missing a whole hand!
Ten, nine, eight...
84
00:04:15,867 --> 00:04:17,665
No, no. I'm begging you!
85
00:04:17,666 --> 00:04:18,744
Seven, six, five...
86
00:04:18,745 --> 00:04:20,544
I don't know which one!
I like them all!
87
00:04:20,545 --> 00:04:22,706
I would go with the pinky.
Four, three...
88
00:04:22,707 --> 00:04:24,585
Here! Here! Shit!
89
00:04:24,586 --> 00:04:27,306
Good. Good. Now, relax.
I'm going to break it on three, OK?
90
00:04:27,307 --> 00:04:29,985
One...
91
00:04:29,986 --> 00:04:33,264
You said on three! The element
of surprise dulls the pain.
92
00:04:33,265 --> 00:04:34,784
You reckon?! Good. Two weeks.
93
00:04:34,785 --> 00:04:36,266
Now we know you won't forget.
94
00:04:38,666 --> 00:04:40,466
So long, Mr Captain Hook!
95
00:04:48,066 --> 00:04:49,344
Lou Gehrig's disease?
96
00:04:49,345 --> 00:04:51,346
That's what they call it
in the States, yeah.
97
00:04:51,347 --> 00:04:53,545
Over here, they call it ALS -
98
00:04:53,546 --> 00:04:54,705
A Life of Shite.
99
00:04:54,706 --> 00:04:57,265
Would you like a biscuit with that?
100
00:04:57,266 --> 00:04:59,304
Look, Mr Brennan, I feel terrible
101
00:04:59,305 --> 00:05:01,344
about you having this
Lou Gehrig's disease...
102
00:05:01,345 --> 00:05:03,026
It's Paddy. Paddy Gehrig's disease.
103
00:05:03,027 --> 00:05:06,185
It's Lou Gehrig's disease.
You call me Paddy.
104
00:05:06,186 --> 00:05:08,345
But I can't do this. Why not?
105
00:05:08,346 --> 00:05:10,104
All you've got to do
is get some...
106
00:05:10,105 --> 00:05:11,984
What is it
they knock the dogs off with?
107
00:05:11,985 --> 00:05:15,384
Pemrutox. Stick it in my vein, press
the plunger and Bob's your uncle!
108
00:05:15,385 --> 00:05:18,344
You've got the boots, you're a
rich man. Why couldn't you do that?
109
00:05:18,345 --> 00:05:21,066
I think it's mostly because
I was taught NOT to kill people.
110
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:23,145
I think that's it.
111
00:05:23,146 --> 00:05:24,705
Look at me, Scotty.
112
00:05:24,706 --> 00:05:26,584
Every day, it gets harder to chew.
113
00:05:26,585 --> 00:05:27,984
I keep dropping things.
114
00:05:27,985 --> 00:05:30,224
Pretty soon, they're going to
put a hole in me throat
115
00:05:30,225 --> 00:05:31,344
so that I can breathe.
116
00:05:31,345 --> 00:05:33,264
Now, I don't want my lovely daughter
117
00:05:33,265 --> 00:05:35,384
having to look after
a decrepit old man
118
00:05:35,385 --> 00:05:38,466
who can't wipe the shite
out of his own arse.
119
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:40,905
I'll get you some beans on toast.
120
00:05:40,906 --> 00:05:42,704
People can beat the odds, you know?
121
00:05:42,705 --> 00:05:44,304
Live long, productive lives.
122
00:05:44,305 --> 00:05:46,504
Look at Stephen Hawking.
He's doing brill.
123
00:05:46,505 --> 00:05:49,264
He writes books, lectures,
opened the Paralympics.
124
00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:51,864
He speaks into a box
and pisses into a bag.
125
00:05:51,865 --> 00:05:53,504
Well, sure.
You can spin it either way.
126
00:05:53,505 --> 00:05:56,104
Look, I lived my life
the way I wanted to live it.
127
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:57,544
I want to go the way I want to go.
128
00:05:57,545 --> 00:05:59,626
I'll get you a packet of crisps.
129
00:06:03,466 --> 00:06:05,346
How did that American bloke,
130
00:06:05,347 --> 00:06:07,345
Dr Kevorkian, kill people?
131
00:06:07,346 --> 00:06:09,185
Shhh!
132
00:06:09,186 --> 00:06:12,946
Didn't he use some sort of machine
to let his victims kill themselves?
133
00:06:12,947 --> 00:06:14,305
I don't know.
134
00:06:14,306 --> 00:06:17,264
Though, if they killed themselves,
were they really his victims at all?
135
00:06:17,265 --> 00:06:19,464
Bloody hell, Scott!
I'm trying to get off here
136
00:06:19,465 --> 00:06:21,624
and you're banging on
about nut job killers!
137
00:06:21,625 --> 00:06:22,744
Ah, but was he a nut job?
138
00:06:22,745 --> 00:06:24,864
Or was he just, you know,
doing the right thing?
139
00:06:24,865 --> 00:06:27,626
Who gives a toss? I don't even know
what you're going on about!
140
00:06:29,906 --> 00:06:31,666
Do you want to nip out for a curry?
141
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:34,025
I'm seeing someone else.
142
00:06:34,026 --> 00:06:36,344
Or we could get one in.
Where's that menu?
143
00:06:36,345 --> 00:06:38,464
Wait, what? I'm seeing someone else.
144
00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:39,746
Chuck us my knickers.
145
00:06:40,786 --> 00:06:43,664
What do you mean, you're seeing
someone else? Since when?
146
00:06:43,665 --> 00:06:46,904
A couple of weeks. There just
hasn't been a good time to tell you.
147
00:06:46,905 --> 00:06:49,586
How about before we had sex?
That would've been a VERY good time!
148
00:06:49,587 --> 00:06:51,145
Scott, please, don't.
149
00:06:51,146 --> 00:06:53,824
This is really hard for me.
Oh, I'm sorry!
150
00:06:53,825 --> 00:06:56,744
Would you like me to help you
relax by shagging you again?!
151
00:06:56,745 --> 00:06:59,464
No, I don't think that would work.
Where did you meet him?
152
00:06:59,465 --> 00:07:01,424
He's always in the restaurant
at lunch.
153
00:07:01,425 --> 00:07:03,784
You're dumping me
for somebody who eats at Nando's?
154
00:07:03,785 --> 00:07:05,424
It's all top quality there,
you know!
155
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,104
I appreciate, as a proud employee,
156
00:07:07,105 --> 00:07:09,584
you're obligated to say that,
but it's really not.
157
00:07:09,585 --> 00:07:12,104
That's because you
order everything without sauce.
158
00:07:12,105 --> 00:07:13,504
It's the sauce that makes it!
159
00:07:13,505 --> 00:07:15,184
I don't believe this! Who is he?
160
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:18,184
He's an up-and-coming
music producer, Scott.
161
00:07:18,185 --> 00:07:20,344
Not some berk that dropped out
of medical school
162
00:07:20,345 --> 00:07:21,984
and is now doing
nothing with his life.
163
00:07:21,985 --> 00:07:24,504
I didn't drop out of medical school.
I couldn't afford it.
164
00:07:24,505 --> 00:07:26,344
And I'm not going to spend
the rest of my life
165
00:07:26,345 --> 00:07:27,544
paying back the government
166
00:07:27,545 --> 00:07:29,624
for something
they should be giving me for free!
167
00:07:29,625 --> 00:07:33,384
Oh, Christ, Scott! This isn't your
Occupy London bullshit again, is it?
168
00:07:33,385 --> 00:07:36,026
Because if it is, you can
occupy your arse with it!
169
00:07:36,027 --> 00:07:38,545
Lucie! Goodbye.
170
00:07:38,546 --> 00:07:40,426
I'll try the sauce!
171
00:07:44,226 --> 00:07:46,466
Night!
172
00:07:51,786 --> 00:07:53,946
Shit! Have you got a bag of peas?
173
00:07:53,947 --> 00:07:55,745
What happened now?
174
00:07:55,746 --> 00:07:57,624
I've got two weeks to get £8,000
175
00:07:57,625 --> 00:07:59,466
or they're going to
cut my head off.
176
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:01,265
I can see your pubes.
177
00:08:01,266 --> 00:08:03,544
You're still gambling?
Oh, just a bit.
178
00:08:03,545 --> 00:08:05,864
You've got a job now.
I make WAY more gambling.
179
00:08:05,865 --> 00:08:08,346
You never win!
But I keep getting SO close!
180
00:08:11,226 --> 00:08:14,104
Lucie left me. Says I wasn't
doing anything with my life.
181
00:08:14,105 --> 00:08:15,664
That's ridiculous! You're a vet.
182
00:08:15,665 --> 00:08:17,504
I'm not a vet.
I'm a vet's receptionist.
183
00:08:17,505 --> 00:08:20,464
You don't save animals and shit?
No, I answer phones and shit.
184
00:08:20,465 --> 00:08:22,224
Oh. That's a terrible job.
185
00:08:22,225 --> 00:08:24,224
Did you ever get
a good look at her arms?
186
00:08:24,225 --> 00:08:25,424
She's got beautiful arms.
187
00:08:25,425 --> 00:08:28,344
Look, Scott. 8K. That's all I need.
Deal with it yourself.
188
00:08:28,345 --> 00:08:29,704
I've got my own shit going on.
189
00:08:29,705 --> 00:08:31,386
You're my brother! Half-brother.
190
00:08:31,387 --> 00:08:33,785
Give me four grand, then. Dick!
191
00:08:33,786 --> 00:08:35,905
Look, anything! Please, Scott!
192
00:08:35,906 --> 00:08:38,864
I mean, if they kill me,
Mum'll have nobody left.
193
00:08:38,865 --> 00:08:41,586
There's me!
I mean, nobody left to love.
194
00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:45,745
Look, I am begging you.
195
00:08:45,746 --> 00:08:47,466
I don't want to die.
196
00:08:48,706 --> 00:08:50,706
I don't want to die.
197
00:08:53,746 --> 00:08:56,066
I can still see your pubes.
Oh, for God's sake!
198
00:09:04,946 --> 00:09:06,946
Hey, pal?
Could I get a little help here?
199
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,345
My cat's just puked.
200
00:09:08,346 --> 00:09:10,945
Hello? Hello?
201
00:09:10,946 --> 00:09:12,585
Cat sick on the floor!
202
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:13,705
Excuse me?
203
00:09:13,706 --> 00:09:15,465
Puke!
204
00:09:15,466 --> 00:09:16,946
£12,000!
205
00:09:19,146 --> 00:09:21,585
Vomity cat. Right here.
206
00:09:21,586 --> 00:09:22,826
Could I get some help?
207
00:09:36,106 --> 00:09:37,544
Welcome to Chicken Bun.
208
00:09:37,545 --> 00:09:40,826
Would you like to try our Sausage
and Chicken Breakfast Bun box combo?
209
00:09:40,827 --> 00:09:43,945
Actually, I'm looking for
Cozzo Costigan.
210
00:09:43,946 --> 00:09:46,944
Great big fella, fixes the machines.
For your information, knobhead,
211
00:09:46,945 --> 00:09:50,064
I dropped eight pounds
last month on a mind-blowing diet.
212
00:09:50,065 --> 00:09:52,504
Debbie said you'd be here.
Well, you only just caught me.
213
00:09:52,505 --> 00:09:54,344
I'm heading across town
to another job.
214
00:09:54,345 --> 00:09:56,504
Shake machine explosion.
Complete carnage.
215
00:09:56,505 --> 00:09:58,826
Do you want a Chicken Biscuit?
They taste like shit.
216
00:09:58,827 --> 00:10:02,545
No, thanks.
So, um, how's what's-her-name?
217
00:10:02,546 --> 00:10:04,425
The one with the arms?
218
00:10:04,426 --> 00:10:06,706
Lucie? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's good.
219
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,705
Oh, no. You've been dumped.
220
00:10:08,706 --> 00:10:09,986
She was sleeping around.
221
00:10:09,987 --> 00:10:11,825
Good! Now you can too!
222
00:10:11,826 --> 00:10:14,185
Not me. I'm stuck with Debbie.
223
00:10:14,186 --> 00:10:16,264
There's nothing doing,
penis-in-vagina wise.
224
00:10:16,265 --> 00:10:18,664
I've not seen hide nor hair
of her growler for months.
225
00:10:18,665 --> 00:10:20,024
We're not getting on, you know?
226
00:10:20,025 --> 00:10:22,304
She's just cleaning all the time,
obsessive.
227
00:10:22,305 --> 00:10:23,704
I think she's got that OCD.
228
00:10:23,705 --> 00:10:24,984
It can be a guilt thing, that.
229
00:10:24,985 --> 00:10:26,944
Like a distraction,
from something to hide.
230
00:10:26,945 --> 00:10:29,064
What would she be hiding, anyway?
You never know.
231
00:10:29,065 --> 00:10:31,664
I didn't have the faintest
Lucie was banging someone else.
232
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,586
Debbie is not banging anyone!
233
00:10:33,587 --> 00:10:34,826
Including me.
234
00:10:35,826 --> 00:10:37,625
I could kill myself.
235
00:10:37,626 --> 00:10:40,304
Well, that's sort of what
I wanted to talk to you about...
236
00:10:40,305 --> 00:10:42,264
You want me to build you
a suicide machine?!
237
00:10:42,265 --> 00:10:43,384
Shhh, keep it down!
238
00:10:43,385 --> 00:10:45,224
Look, I'll pay you 4,000 squids,
cash.
239
00:10:45,225 --> 00:10:47,824
Lucie's left, but there's
plenty more fish in the sea.
240
00:10:47,825 --> 00:10:49,664
Some with bigger tits!
It's not for me.
241
00:10:49,665 --> 00:10:52,144
You want to kill Lucie?
I'm not killing Lucie!
242
00:10:52,145 --> 00:10:53,984
If they find out in jail
you killed a woman,
243
00:10:53,985 --> 00:10:56,864
your bumhole'll end up like that
big red dot in the Japanese flag.
244
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,944
It's not for Lucie, OK?
It's this old bloke.
245
00:10:58,945 --> 00:11:00,544
He lives next door, he's got ALS,
246
00:11:00,545 --> 00:11:02,184
and he's offering me
all this money...
247
00:11:02,185 --> 00:11:05,504
To murder him? Are you out of
your mind? My wife's a copper!
248
00:11:05,505 --> 00:11:08,984
Well, that's the point of the
machine. It's suicide, not murder.
249
00:11:08,985 --> 00:11:11,944
Look, all you have to do is rig it
so it releases six ccs of Pemrutox.
250
00:11:11,945 --> 00:11:14,706
Pemru-what? It's the stuff vets use
to put dogs to sleep.
251
00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:15,865
Oh, right, yeah.
252
00:11:15,866 --> 00:11:19,144
We had to put Snowball to sleep
a few months back.
253
00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:21,824
The thing went blind
and kept bumping into walls.
254
00:11:21,825 --> 00:11:24,346
It was quite funny at first,
actually!
255
00:11:24,347 --> 00:11:26,905
Then... not so much.
256
00:11:26,906 --> 00:11:29,744
So could you make something like
that? Yeah, 'course I could!
257
00:11:29,745 --> 00:11:31,304
And you will? Will I bugger!
258
00:11:31,305 --> 00:11:33,784
This is loony tunes!
Debbie's in the filth!
259
00:11:33,785 --> 00:11:36,024
I can't get involved
in shit like this.
260
00:11:36,025 --> 00:11:38,304
Oh, should've been at
McDonald's ten minutes ago!
261
00:11:38,305 --> 00:11:39,666
Look, nice to see you, Scott.
262
00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:42,546
And soz about Luce. Those arms!
263
00:11:58,546 --> 00:12:00,105
All right, who is he?!
264
00:12:00,106 --> 00:12:01,305
Who's who?
265
00:12:01,306 --> 00:12:02,864
This bloke you're seeing!
266
00:12:02,865 --> 00:12:05,544
Is it someone at the station?
What are you talking about?
267
00:12:05,545 --> 00:12:08,146
Oh, come off it, Debbie!
I'm not thick!
268
00:12:08,147 --> 00:12:10,145
Is it... is it Frank?
269
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,146
Johnny? Dave?
270
00:12:13,426 --> 00:12:15,625
Oh, it's Dave, isn't it?
271
00:12:15,626 --> 00:12:18,625
The one with the muscles
and the... face!
272
00:12:18,626 --> 00:12:20,345
Cozzo, there is no bloke!
273
00:12:20,346 --> 00:12:22,625
Oh, my God, it's a lady!
274
00:12:22,626 --> 00:12:24,544
Urgh, tell me it's not Bonnie!
275
00:12:24,545 --> 00:12:26,746
Have you been munching fur-burger?
276
00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:27,866
Tell me!
277
00:12:29,826 --> 00:12:32,265
I'm pregnant.
278
00:12:32,266 --> 00:12:33,785
What?
279
00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:35,586
Almost three months.
280
00:12:36,866 --> 00:12:38,786
Why didn't you say something?
281
00:12:38,787 --> 00:12:40,545
I thought you'd freak.
282
00:12:40,546 --> 00:12:42,986
You know, ever since
you lost your job...
283
00:12:42,987 --> 00:12:44,025
Went freelance!
284
00:12:44,026 --> 00:12:45,504
And with what I make in the Met,
285
00:12:45,505 --> 00:12:46,666
I don't know, I just...
286
00:12:48,186 --> 00:12:50,586
I didn't think that
we could afford to...
287
00:12:50,587 --> 00:12:53,585
To keep it? Are you nuts?
288
00:12:53,586 --> 00:12:55,344
Look who you're talking to.
289
00:12:55,345 --> 00:12:57,066
I'll make sure we can afford it.
290
00:12:58,626 --> 00:13:00,626
That's our baby in there, Debbie.
291
00:13:00,627 --> 00:13:04,785
That's our frigging baby!
292
00:13:04,786 --> 00:13:06,345
It is OUR baby, right?
293
00:13:06,346 --> 00:13:07,386
Oh, stop!
294
00:13:50,346 --> 00:13:51,704
You two ready for this?
295
00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:54,304
You've been asking us for
the last ten minutes. We're ready!
296
00:13:54,305 --> 00:13:57,386
What about you, Joe?
Let's just see it! Jesus Christ!
297
00:13:57,387 --> 00:14:01,145
Dun-du-du-du-du-dun-du-dah!
298
00:14:01,146 --> 00:14:04,305
Wow! That is beautiful!
299
00:14:04,306 --> 00:14:06,865
What the hell is that?!
I call it...
300
00:14:06,866 --> 00:14:09,305
The McFlurry of Death.
301
00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:10,985
Oh, for God's sake!
302
00:14:10,986 --> 00:14:12,864
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch and learn.
303
00:14:12,865 --> 00:14:14,905
Joey, get us a glass of water.
304
00:14:14,906 --> 00:14:17,504
OK, you put the bottle
in the top here.
305
00:14:17,505 --> 00:14:20,664
Attach the IV needle to this
end of the tube. Like so.
306
00:14:20,665 --> 00:14:22,544
And then, see where it says "ice?"
Yeah.
307
00:14:22,545 --> 00:14:25,626
Well, that's what the old man
pushes down to, you know...
308
00:14:25,627 --> 00:14:27,625
Ice himself?! Clever, huh?
309
00:14:27,626 --> 00:14:29,664
Yes, when people are
about to kill themselves,
310
00:14:29,665 --> 00:14:31,064
they can't get enough of clever!
311
00:14:31,065 --> 00:14:33,224
Why don't we recite Oscar Wilde,
while we're at it?
312
00:14:33,225 --> 00:14:34,904
No, that would just be boring.
313
00:14:34,905 --> 00:14:36,424
OK, I've rigged it so it dispenses
314
00:14:36,425 --> 00:14:38,264
just the right amount
of Pump Your Cocks.
315
00:14:38,265 --> 00:14:39,466
Pemrutox. Exactly.
316
00:14:40,626 --> 00:14:41,786
Watch this.
317
00:14:55,826 --> 00:14:57,985
Oh, wow!
318
00:14:57,986 --> 00:14:59,546
It's turned the water green.
319
00:14:59,547 --> 00:15:00,825
That is brilliant!
320
00:15:00,826 --> 00:15:03,304
Oh, no, that's just residue
from the shake machine.
321
00:15:03,305 --> 00:15:05,464
It was St Patrick's Day last week.
322
00:15:05,465 --> 00:15:06,706
You didn't clean it out!
323
00:15:06,707 --> 00:15:08,865
OK, so here's how it goes.
324
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:12,304
I, er... I'll let you two
use this thing. But on loan.
325
00:15:12,305 --> 00:15:14,464
Every time you help someone
to top themselves,
326
00:15:14,465 --> 00:15:16,184
I get a percentage. That's fine.
327
00:15:16,185 --> 00:15:17,744
What do you mean, "every time?"
328
00:15:17,745 --> 00:15:19,704
This is just ONE desperate old man.
329
00:15:19,705 --> 00:15:21,424
One old man? Are you having a laugh?
330
00:15:21,425 --> 00:15:24,424
You don't build a Snickers machine
and only make one Snicker.
331
00:15:24,425 --> 00:15:26,504
There must be shedloads of people
that want out.
332
00:15:26,505 --> 00:15:29,424
He's right, Scott. We could make
a fortune with this thing.
333
00:15:29,425 --> 00:15:31,504
I mean, look at Snickers.
This is NOT Snickers!
334
00:15:31,505 --> 00:15:34,144
All right, Mars bar.
This is not chocolate bars!
335
00:15:34,145 --> 00:15:36,704
This is people's lives
we're talking about! Not Mars Bars!
336
00:15:36,705 --> 00:15:39,264
It doesn't have to be a bar.
It could be a packet of something.
337
00:15:39,265 --> 00:15:40,826
You know, like, Skittles.
338
00:15:40,827 --> 00:15:42,425
M&Ms. Thank you.
339
00:15:42,426 --> 00:15:44,224
Look, we are helping ONE person
340
00:15:44,225 --> 00:15:46,984
out of a tragic situation,
and that is all.
341
00:15:46,985 --> 00:15:48,624
Then I'm selling the boots on eBay.
342
00:15:48,625 --> 00:15:51,064
You'll have your money,
and you'll have your money.
343
00:15:51,065 --> 00:15:53,826
Then we dispose of this thing
so nobody can trace it back to us.
344
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,945
Understand?
345
00:15:55,946 --> 00:15:57,586
Do you understand?!
346
00:15:58,626 --> 00:15:59,906
Snickers!
347
00:16:03,826 --> 00:16:05,866
What's he got against Snickers?
I don't know.
348
00:16:08,586 --> 00:16:10,385
I'm going out for a smoke.
349
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,186
Do NOT touch the animals.
350
00:16:49,906 --> 00:16:51,785
Hey, Scott.
351
00:16:51,786 --> 00:16:54,424
Bloody hell! Jumpy or what?
It's the middle of the night!
352
00:16:54,425 --> 00:16:55,944
And this is an all-night clinic.
353
00:16:55,945 --> 00:16:58,064
You should be prepared
for people coming in.
354
00:16:58,065 --> 00:17:00,824
I am. People with pets,
which you don't have!
355
00:17:00,825 --> 00:17:04,744
So until you get a sick, y'know,
weasel or something, please leave!
356
00:17:04,745 --> 00:17:08,144
You left some clothes at my place.
I thought you might want them back.
357
00:17:08,145 --> 00:17:09,544
I ain't washed them or nothing.
358
00:17:09,545 --> 00:17:11,264
Great. Thank you. That's wonderful.
359
00:17:11,265 --> 00:17:13,266
Thank you very much, Lucie.
Goodbye, now.
360
00:17:15,066 --> 00:17:16,424
Is something going on?
361
00:17:16,425 --> 00:17:18,624
Yes, something's going on!
It's called work!
362
00:17:18,625 --> 00:17:20,664
Just like what
your music producer does.
363
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,264
But instead of going
"La la la la,"
364
00:17:22,265 --> 00:17:24,184
I go, "Typety-type-type-type," OK?
365
00:17:24,185 --> 00:17:25,506
Now good-the-fuck-bye!
366
00:17:32,626 --> 00:17:34,065
Who was that?
367
00:17:34,066 --> 00:17:35,386
My ex.
368
00:17:36,386 --> 00:17:37,866
Nice arms.
369
00:17:48,666 --> 00:17:50,225
Eh, relax, will you?
370
00:17:50,226 --> 00:17:52,705
Nobody's ever going to find out.
371
00:17:52,706 --> 00:17:55,904
All you've got to do is phone
the police after a couple of days,
372
00:17:55,905 --> 00:17:57,664
tell them you haven't seen me
for a while,
373
00:17:57,665 --> 00:17:59,864
and they'll think
I died of the disease.
374
00:17:59,865 --> 00:18:02,266
It's easy-peasy!
Right, yeah. Easy-peasy.
375
00:18:02,267 --> 00:18:03,665
D'you want a spliff?
376
00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:05,266
What? No, I don't smoke.
377
00:18:05,267 --> 00:18:08,305
Go on. Have a toke.
It'll loosen you up.
378
00:18:08,306 --> 00:18:09,745
No. I'm fine. Thanks.
379
00:18:09,746 --> 00:18:10,986
Make a fist for me.
380
00:18:13,546 --> 00:18:17,945
You know, if yours is the last face
I'm ever going to see,
381
00:18:17,946 --> 00:18:19,706
I'd like to see a smile on it.
382
00:18:21,386 --> 00:18:23,546
Oh, God, no!
Go back to the other face.
383
00:18:24,946 --> 00:18:27,064
Right, you might feel
a little prick.
384
00:18:27,065 --> 00:18:29,826
You never said we were
going to get personal.
385
00:18:29,827 --> 00:18:31,105
It's a joke!
386
00:18:31,106 --> 00:18:32,666
Oh. Ha!
387
00:18:35,946 --> 00:18:38,545
OK? Yeah. You're a natural.
388
00:18:38,546 --> 00:18:40,985
You must have been a smackhead.
389
00:18:40,986 --> 00:18:42,426
Two years at medical school.
390
00:18:42,427 --> 00:18:44,465
Ah, not as much fun, eh?
391
00:18:44,466 --> 00:18:47,066
It was, actually.
I wish I could've done more.
392
00:18:48,906 --> 00:18:52,225
OK, so if you just pull this lever,
393
00:18:52,226 --> 00:18:55,265
and the rest should
take care of itself.
394
00:18:55,266 --> 00:18:56,506
Ice!
395
00:18:58,986 --> 00:19:00,266
That's clever!
396
00:19:02,306 --> 00:19:03,466
Thank you.
397
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,385
You sure about this?
398
00:19:07,386 --> 00:19:09,345
Sayonara, Scotty.
399
00:19:09,346 --> 00:19:11,145
Goodbye, Mr...
400
00:19:11,146 --> 00:19:12,826
Paddy.
401
00:19:34,586 --> 00:19:35,745
Paddy?
402
00:19:35,746 --> 00:19:36,985
Am I dead?
403
00:19:36,986 --> 00:19:38,666
Oh, God! I don't think it's working.
404
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:40,265
Shit! Oh, I'm not dead.
405
00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:42,864
Nothing's coming out!
Is it jammed or something?
406
00:19:42,865 --> 00:19:45,824
I am SO sorry!
Is there anything I can do to help?
407
00:19:45,825 --> 00:19:47,304
No, no, no, you just sit there.
408
00:19:47,305 --> 00:19:48,746
This is your moment of peace.
409
00:19:48,747 --> 00:19:51,945
Work! Why are you not working?
410
00:19:51,946 --> 00:19:53,866
You piece of shit! Work!
411
00:19:55,026 --> 00:19:56,545
So? How'd it go?
412
00:19:56,546 --> 00:19:58,544
Apart from the fact
it didn't work? Smashing!
413
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:01,224
Impossible! The needle's in his arm,
his eyes are shut,
414
00:20:01,225 --> 00:20:02,464
and the whole thing jams up.
415
00:20:02,465 --> 00:20:04,024
What? So, you didn't get the boots?
416
00:20:04,025 --> 00:20:06,224
Paddy's not dead,
you self-centred twat!
417
00:20:06,225 --> 00:20:08,624
You forgot to turn off
the safety catch, you tit!
418
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,664
I didn't know there was
a safety catch, you shit!
419
00:20:10,665 --> 00:20:13,664
Everybody knows anything that kills
people has got a safety catch!
420
00:20:13,665 --> 00:20:15,984
It's just common courtesy. Joey?
Common courtesy.
421
00:20:15,985 --> 00:20:17,864
Thank you. You didn't tell me!
422
00:20:17,865 --> 00:20:19,344
Well, now you know. So go back.
423
00:20:19,345 --> 00:20:21,824
No. It's an omen. A sign.
I should NOT be doing this.
424
00:20:21,825 --> 00:20:24,064
It's a sign you're chicken shit,
that's what it is!
425
00:20:24,065 --> 00:20:26,304
I'm going to go and do it.
I don't give a toss about him.
426
00:20:26,305 --> 00:20:28,624
That's exactly why you
won't be going anywhere near him!
427
00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:30,944
This is somebody's life
we're talking about!
428
00:20:30,945 --> 00:20:32,544
Yes! Mine! Isn't that the point?
429
00:20:32,545 --> 00:20:34,904
Killing him to prevent people
from killing me!
430
00:20:34,905 --> 00:20:37,104
Maybe I'm all right
with them getting rid of you!
431
00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:39,906
It'd be easier than digging you
out of the shit all the time!
432
00:20:39,907 --> 00:20:42,945
Fuck off! You... fucking fucker!
433
00:20:42,946 --> 00:20:44,666
You see, Cozzo? Now that's clever!
434
00:20:47,466 --> 00:20:50,946
Joseph Robert Copeland!
Off your brother's back, right now!
435
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:53,906
Put me down!
436
00:21:17,626 --> 00:21:18,826
Fill it up, Gary.
437
00:21:21,906 --> 00:21:24,825
I...am going...
438
00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:26,826
for a poo-poo.
439
00:21:49,106 --> 00:21:50,826
Jo-ey?
440
00:22:00,186 --> 00:22:01,664
Good evening, Animal Clinic.
441
00:22:01,665 --> 00:22:05,064
They broke my pointing finger,
Scott. I can't point any more.
442
00:22:05,065 --> 00:22:06,784
Sorry, this is an animal hospital.
443
00:22:06,785 --> 00:22:09,104
Even though you'd fit right in,
I'm hanging up.
444
00:22:09,105 --> 00:22:11,066
No, no, Scott! No, no!
Please, please, don't!
445
00:22:11,067 --> 00:22:13,065
Please! Look, I'll change.
446
00:22:13,066 --> 00:22:14,544
I swear to God, on Mum's life,
447
00:22:14,545 --> 00:22:16,184
I will never place another bet.
448
00:22:16,185 --> 00:22:17,904
Mum's life?
Good luck at the casinos!
449
00:22:17,905 --> 00:22:19,506
'I've always been there for you!'
450
00:22:19,507 --> 00:22:22,145
Always, OK?
451
00:22:22,146 --> 00:22:24,864
Ever since Mum and your dad split up
and you moved down south.
452
00:22:24,865 --> 00:22:25,984
I've always been there.
453
00:22:25,985 --> 00:22:28,304
'Do you remember when
you nearly cut your thumb off?'
454
00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:29,664
Who stitched it up for you?
455
00:22:29,665 --> 00:22:31,624
You did - with fishing wire
and a rusty nail.
456
00:22:31,625 --> 00:22:33,504
I had to spend Christmas
in the hospital!
457
00:22:33,505 --> 00:22:36,544
Do you know what Santa brought me
that year? A blood transfusion!
458
00:22:36,545 --> 00:22:38,744
Look, I try my best, Scott.
I really do.
459
00:22:38,745 --> 00:22:39,826
I just keep screwing up.
460
00:22:41,306 --> 00:22:43,026
I can't stop screwing up.
461
00:22:45,626 --> 00:22:47,226
I'm going to miss you, bruv.
462
00:22:48,266 --> 00:22:49,466
I love you, man.
463
00:23:03,186 --> 00:23:05,986
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah. Go ahead, lad.
464
00:23:05,987 --> 00:23:10,625
Oh, this shit's good!
465
00:23:10,626 --> 00:23:13,305
Yeah. Sticky Icky, it's called.
466
00:23:13,306 --> 00:23:15,425
I used to smoke White Rhino,
467
00:23:15,426 --> 00:23:17,545
but this stuff's smoother.
468
00:23:17,546 --> 00:23:19,825
What did you do with your life?
469
00:23:19,826 --> 00:23:22,025
Not, like, the family stuff.
470
00:23:22,026 --> 00:23:24,145
I mean, all that's brilliant.
471
00:23:24,146 --> 00:23:26,305
But, like, what did you do, do?
472
00:23:26,306 --> 00:23:29,746
I said doo-doo!
473
00:23:34,226 --> 00:23:35,785
I was in advertising.
474
00:23:35,786 --> 00:23:38,625
You're shitting me? For who?
Like on TV?
475
00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:42,305
Well... you've heard of Pepsi?
476
00:23:42,306 --> 00:23:43,865
Pepsi? I love Pepsi!
477
00:23:43,866 --> 00:23:46,665
The taste test campaign? Yeah?
478
00:23:46,666 --> 00:23:48,586
Well, I helped them out with that.
479
00:23:48,587 --> 00:23:51,386
FUCK OFF! That was you?!
480
00:23:52,586 --> 00:23:54,426
Well, I was part of a team, yeah.
481
00:23:54,427 --> 00:23:56,785
I took that test! You did NOT!
482
00:23:56,786 --> 00:23:59,625
I swear down, I did!
Look, I was like...
483
00:23:59,626 --> 00:24:02,465
"I like that one best!"
484
00:24:02,466 --> 00:24:03,664
Which one did you choose?
485
00:24:03,665 --> 00:24:06,226
Oh, I don't know.
The wrong one, I think.
486
00:24:06,227 --> 00:24:09,186
But, fuck it!
487
00:24:10,706 --> 00:24:13,025
So that was really you?
488
00:24:13,026 --> 00:24:16,865
Yeah. I had a clipboard
and everything.
489
00:24:16,866 --> 00:24:19,224
I mean, you changed the world, man!
490
00:24:19,225 --> 00:24:20,706
I mean, you're a hero!
491
00:24:20,707 --> 00:24:23,705
The world needs heroes.
492
00:24:23,706 --> 00:24:25,746
You don't want to do this, Paddy.
493
00:24:27,666 --> 00:24:28,745
I do.
494
00:24:28,746 --> 00:24:30,825
But why? Why?
495
00:24:30,826 --> 00:24:33,225
Why? Why?
496
00:24:33,226 --> 00:24:35,105
Why? Why?
497
00:24:35,106 --> 00:24:38,665
Why? Why? Why, why, why?
498
00:24:38,666 --> 00:24:40,905
Why?
499
00:24:40,906 --> 00:24:44,826
For the same reason that you chose
the drink that you chose.
500
00:24:44,827 --> 00:24:47,465
It's the right choice for me.
501
00:24:47,466 --> 00:24:50,306
Why should I let life dictate
what happens to me?
502
00:24:50,307 --> 00:24:53,626
This way, I dictate
what happens to my life.
503
00:24:55,866 --> 00:24:57,065
Let's do it.
504
00:24:57,066 --> 00:24:58,864
You're ready?
I'm ready. You ready?
505
00:24:58,865 --> 00:25:00,426
Let's do it. Let's do it!
506
00:25:01,426 --> 00:25:05,465
So I just stick that
in there, and...
507
00:25:05,466 --> 00:25:07,786
Thank you.
..and then all you have to do is...
508
00:25:13,826 --> 00:25:15,306
Paddy?
509
00:25:17,466 --> 00:25:18,706
Paddy?
510
00:25:21,506 --> 00:25:22,666
He did it.
511
00:25:23,666 --> 00:25:25,825
We did it!
512
00:25:25,826 --> 00:25:28,106
We did it!
513
00:25:29,866 --> 00:25:30,906
Oh... we did it.
514
00:25:34,466 --> 00:25:36,025
See that, right there?
515
00:25:36,026 --> 00:25:37,225
Uh-huh.
516
00:25:37,226 --> 00:25:38,985
That's the heart beating.
517
00:25:38,986 --> 00:25:40,385
Oh, my God!
518
00:25:40,386 --> 00:25:43,585
Cozzo, our baby's heart!
519
00:25:43,586 --> 00:25:45,586
To think, you were
going to have an abortion!
520
00:25:48,826 --> 00:25:50,826
Cozzo!
521
00:26:26,306 --> 00:26:28,946
What do you mean,
you've found another?!
522
00:26:28,947 --> 00:26:30,185
No, no, no, no!
523
00:26:30,186 --> 00:26:32,024
It's just some guy
I was having a pint with.
524
00:26:32,025 --> 00:26:34,544
He's got stomach cancer.
How fantastic is that?
525
00:26:34,545 --> 00:26:37,144
You told some bloke
you've never met before
526
00:26:37,145 --> 00:26:39,184
what we've done?!
Are you mental?
527
00:26:39,185 --> 00:26:42,586
But it's shit loads of money, bruv.
And not in football boots. Cash.
528
00:26:42,587 --> 00:26:44,585
We can't.
529
00:26:44,586 --> 00:26:46,664
'This is your ticket to do
whatever you want.'
530
00:26:46,665 --> 00:26:49,146
There's got to be something you
want to do with your life.
531
00:26:49,147 --> 00:26:50,385
Right... Doctor?
532
00:26:50,386 --> 00:26:52,145
Joey...
533
00:26:52,146 --> 00:26:53,345
'Is that a yes?'
534
00:26:53,346 --> 00:26:55,584
That's a yes, isn't it?
I can hear it in your voice.
535
00:26:55,585 --> 00:26:58,504
'You're saying yes!
Just not actually using the word.'
536
00:26:58,505 --> 00:27:01,104
Fan-fucking-tastic!
We're in business, man!
537
00:27:01,105 --> 00:27:04,146
I'll phone you later
with the details, yeah?
538
00:27:04,147 --> 00:27:05,506
Yes!
539
00:27:28,266 --> 00:27:29,425
Oh, shit!
540
00:27:29,426 --> 00:27:32,785
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit!
541
00:27:32,786 --> 00:27:35,664
All right, all right!
Please don't hurt me!
542
00:27:35,665 --> 00:27:37,066
Hurt you?! We need your help!
543
00:27:37,067 --> 00:27:38,985
Our dog's broke its leg.
544
00:27:38,986 --> 00:27:42,425
Oh, thank God!
545
00:27:42,426 --> 00:27:46,025
I'm sorry!
546
00:27:46,026 --> 00:27:48,745
Oh, and that is quite sad, yeah.
40615
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
