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1
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Hey!
2
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Thanks for coming by, Harry.
3
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Well your text had fourteen
4
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I didn't feel I had a choice.
5
00:00:06,084 --> 00:00:07,884
Ana's new boyfriend is upstairs.
6
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He's the sum of all our fears.
7
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A foreign black widow spider who's here to
8
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increase your taxes?
9
00:00:13,224 --> 00:00:14,724
He's a textbook criminal.
10
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Lewis always does these
finger shooting gestures,
11
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and he has three X's tattooed on his arm.
12
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Triple-X?
13
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Yes.
14
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,366
Which means he's either
really into pornography
15
00:00:23,368 --> 00:00:25,868
or he's killed three people so far...
16
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or thirty.
17
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Keep walking, Lewis, don't stop.
18
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They can't see us if we don't stop.
19
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Hey, Mr. and Mrs. C.
20
00:00:31,876 --> 00:00:33,008
Thanks so much for letting me do my
21
00:00:33,010 --> 00:00:34,577
homework here, I really appreciate it.
22
00:00:34,579 --> 00:00:36,279
And you must be Harry, the sperm donor.
23
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Nice to finally meet you,
24
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I've heard a lot about you.
25
00:00:38,950 --> 00:00:39,882
Alright well, thanks again guys.
26
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Take care.
27
00:00:44,588 --> 00:00:45,721
What?
28
00:00:45,723 --> 00:00:47,056
You have nothing to worry about.
29
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Lewis is Straight Edge.
30
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Right, okay.
31
00:00:51,495 --> 00:00:53,562
It's a teen sub-culture-
they don't drink,
32
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swear or have sex.
33
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His 'Triple-X' tattoo
stands for Straight Edge.
34
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No drinking?
35
00:01:00,070 --> 00:01:01,169
No sex?
36
00:01:01,171 --> 00:01:03,405
You mean Ana is dating a...
37
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Good Boy?
38
00:01:04,541 --> 00:01:07,675
Yup, he's celibate,
sober, and totally boring.
39
00:01:07,677 --> 00:01:08,977
Not unlike me at that age.
40
00:01:08,979 --> 00:01:13,114
Except with Lewis, it's by choice.
41
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Synced and corrected by
Mastermonger. www.addic7ed.com
42
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You're a great mom, Charlie's perfect,
43
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can we leave now?
44
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I just want to meet other new parents and
45
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give them parenting tips.
46
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I mean, share tips.
47
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Learn together.
48
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You mean brag about Charlie.
49
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I am not here to brag, or get praise.
50
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Even if I deserve it.
51
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I don't care what these people think.
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Now put that thing away
before they think we're
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ruining Charlie's attention span.
54
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I'm just protecting
him - and me - from the
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boredom of this Parent's Group.
56
00:02:02,631 --> 00:02:03,963
Aww.
57
00:02:03,965 --> 00:02:05,265
Our babies have matching bibs.
58
00:02:05,267 --> 00:02:09,302
Well, not to brag, but Charlie hardly
59
00:02:09,304 --> 00:02:11,003
ever drools anymore.
60
00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:13,939
I actually use the bib more than him now.
61
00:02:13,941 --> 00:02:15,508
Your husband is very funny.
62
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Oh no, we're not married.
63
00:02:19,714 --> 00:02:21,547
Harry's my sperm donor.
64
00:02:21,549 --> 00:02:22,748
I see.
65
00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:25,284
Oh, you use that lotion?
66
00:02:25,286 --> 00:02:28,020
You realize it's not organic?
67
00:02:28,022 --> 00:02:29,889
And that stroller...
68
00:02:29,891 --> 00:02:32,858
Oh, yeah, last year's model.
69
00:02:32,860 --> 00:02:35,327
We saved a bundle on that puppy.
70
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,196
Must be great to be so relaxed about
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your baby's well-being.
72
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It's a wonder that he
doesn't crawl away to safety.
73
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No offense.
74
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Ha. Joke's on you.
75
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Charlie can't crawl.
76
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I'm so glad that my baby has a real father,
77
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and not some sperm dad.
78
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Okay.
79
00:02:55,381 --> 00:02:57,799
Let's go, we do not need their approval.
80
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Absolutely.
81
00:02:59,285 --> 00:03:01,886
We are first rate parents.
82
00:03:05,490 --> 00:03:08,158
The wheels are stuck again.
83
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:09,093
I'll just pick him up.
84
00:03:09,095 --> 00:03:10,695
Charlie's not strapped in.
85
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Right.
86
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First rate.
87
00:03:20,739 --> 00:03:21,706
Hey, I forgot to mention,
88
00:03:21,708 --> 00:03:24,007
I spoke with my old co-worker, Angela.
89
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Co-worker?
90
00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:26,643
Which... job?
91
00:03:26,645 --> 00:03:29,546
The one I volunteered
at before Billy was born.
92
00:03:29,548 --> 00:03:30,848
PETI?
93
00:03:30,850 --> 00:03:32,182
People for the Ethical
Treatment of Insects.
94
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Right.
95
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That job.
96
00:03:34,419 --> 00:03:35,963
Anyway, she's in town,
so we're going to go for
97
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dinner on Saturday.
98
00:03:36,555 --> 00:03:37,755
Saturday?
99
00:03:37,757 --> 00:03:39,790
Aren't you forgetting something?
100
00:03:39,792 --> 00:03:42,659
Most married couples mark this occasion?
101
00:03:42,661 --> 00:03:44,193
It happens every year.
102
00:03:44,195 --> 00:03:45,662
Shark week?
103
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Our wedding anniversary.
104
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Oh my universe.
105
00:03:49,268 --> 00:03:50,199
You really forgot?
106
00:03:50,201 --> 00:03:51,601
Babe, you never forget.
107
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Yes, I did.
108
00:03:54,138 --> 00:03:55,505
Oh, I feel awful.
109
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I love us.
110
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Will you forgive me?
111
00:03:58,542 --> 00:03:59,175
Please?
112
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Yeah, of course.
113
00:04:05,715 --> 00:04:07,216
I'm going to hide the party box in
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the laundry room.
115
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Mommy Michelle never goes there.
116
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Ah, streamers...
117
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Oh boy.
118
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Hmmm... invitations,
twelfth anniversary napkins?
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It was supposed to be a surprise.
120
00:04:20,431 --> 00:04:22,264
I screwed up.
121
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Sorry.
122
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I owe you one giant surprise.
123
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Oops.
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I wanted to surprise you with a party at
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our favorite restaurant.
126
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Surprise!
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Happy anniversary.
128
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So, you didn't forget?
129
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But the big apology?
130
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Babe you were on the verge of tears.
131
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Pretty convincing, huh?
132
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Yeah.
133
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Really convincing.
134
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You lie well.
135
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Really well.
136
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Way too well.
137
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It's Straight Edge Lewis.
138
00:04:56,633 --> 00:04:58,165
Okay, we can't show too much approval,
139
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,401
or we'll just push him away.
140
00:05:00,403 --> 00:05:01,035
Agreed?
141
00:05:01,037 --> 00:05:02,102
Agreed.
142
00:05:02,104 --> 00:05:04,604
Ugh, I look like a ragamuffin.
143
00:05:06,641 --> 00:05:07,942
Lewis, what a surprise.
144
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Come in.
145
00:05:08,677 --> 00:05:09,877
Or don't.
146
00:05:09,879 --> 00:05:11,578
I have no feelings about it either way.
147
00:05:11,580 --> 00:05:13,280
Hey Mr. and Mrs. C.
148
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Is Ana home?
149
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Believe it or not, she's at the library.
150
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That's where we had our first date.
151
00:05:20,989 --> 00:05:22,922
You can wait for her here.
152
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I was just about to watch the game.
153
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Any game.
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Doesn't matter.
155
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Do you enjoy games of ball?
156
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Oh, um, no thank you.
157
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I just came to talk to Ana.
158
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You see, I realized I was attracted to her
159
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'Bad Girl' type, but...
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we're just too different.
161
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Well, I guess I'll break
up with her another time.
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See you later guys, or maybe not.
163
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Break up?
164
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:46,913
No-no-no-no...
165
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Wait, Lewis.
166
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Give us another chance!
167
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We can change.
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Hey.
169
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Did you find a charger for the tablet?
170
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Guess I should be more careful
171
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I only got this baby six months ago.
172
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Your baby is only six months old?
173
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He's already pointing and
grasping at six months?
174
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That's incredible.
175
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He's actually...
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Everyone, look at Charlie.
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He's six months old and so advanced.
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You must be an amazing father.
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Oh, come on.
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Give this man a latte on me.
181
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In a 'Father of the Year' mug.
182
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That's me.
183
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Father of the Year.
184
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:32,156
Well, half year, since Charlie's
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only six months old.
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Sorry.
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Hello.
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Hey.
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I just wanted to say thanks for not letting
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those jerk parents get into my head.
191
00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:44,768
I never want to go to
that coffee shop again.
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Me neither.
193
00:06:45,704 --> 00:06:47,104
Is that Charlie's Mom?
194
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I'd love to ask her advice...
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Your phone.
196
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,412
Anyway, forget about that.
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Let's talk baby raising.
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I'm good at it.
199
00:07:00,752 --> 00:07:02,085
And those parents at that group wanted my
200
00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:04,721
advice on everything:
diaper rash, vomiting,
201
00:07:04,723 --> 00:07:05,556
diarrhea...
202
00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:07,090
Wow, the big three.
203
00:07:07,092 --> 00:07:08,492
That's amazing.
204
00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:10,226
And I'm being sarcastic.
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To those parents I'm a god.
206
00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:13,597
They're all so impressed
at how advanced Charlie is
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for a six-month-old.
208
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:16,532
But he's eleven months old.
209
00:07:16,534 --> 00:07:17,434
Yeah.
210
00:07:17,436 --> 00:07:18,401
That's why they're impressed.
211
00:07:18,403 --> 00:07:19,469
Do you even hear yourself?
212
00:07:19,471 --> 00:07:20,770
He's as bad as you.
213
00:07:20,772 --> 00:07:22,005
Worse than me.
214
00:07:22,007 --> 00:07:23,406
I wouldn't go that far.
215
00:07:23,408 --> 00:07:24,740
You went back to that parent's group,
216
00:07:24,742 --> 00:07:26,609
and lied about Charlie's
age to impress them?
217
00:07:26,611 --> 00:07:28,111
Mm.
218
00:07:28,113 --> 00:07:29,212
That doesn't sound like me.
219
00:07:29,214 --> 00:07:30,413
How did you even pull it off?
220
00:07:30,415 --> 00:07:32,515
Charlie's way too big to be six months old.
221
00:07:32,517 --> 00:07:35,284
I sewed fake tags into Charlie's clothes.
222
00:07:35,286 --> 00:07:37,453
'For infants six months and under'?
223
00:07:37,455 --> 00:07:39,221
Just selling the lie so they know that I'm
224
00:07:39,223 --> 00:07:40,923
an amazing parent...
225
00:07:40,925 --> 00:07:42,057
Oh my God.
226
00:07:42,059 --> 00:07:45,260
I've turned into you.
227
00:07:45,262 --> 00:07:48,263
I mean, you!
228
00:07:48,265 --> 00:07:49,631
They really think we're good parents?
229
00:07:49,633 --> 00:07:51,800
No.
230
00:07:51,802 --> 00:07:54,403
The best parents in the
history of the world.
231
00:07:54,405 --> 00:07:55,737
But you know what, I don't have to go
232
00:07:55,739 --> 00:07:57,139
back there again.
233
00:07:57,141 --> 00:08:01,076
Who needs constant praise and free lattes?
234
00:08:05,213 --> 00:08:06,447
You and that parents
group weren't meant to be.
235
00:08:06,449 --> 00:08:08,114
Not like me and Lewis.
236
00:08:08,116 --> 00:08:10,250
Yeah, no, you two are great
237
00:08:10,252 --> 00:08:11,418
for each other.
238
00:08:11,420 --> 00:08:12,686
Lewis says he's going
to call later with news.
239
00:08:12,688 --> 00:08:14,455
And you know what they say,
'All news is good news!'
240
00:08:14,457 --> 00:08:17,691
Maybe you shouldn't get your hopes up,
241
00:08:17,693 --> 00:08:18,759
sweetheart.
242
00:08:18,761 --> 00:08:20,293
You know, love can be cruel.
243
00:08:20,295 --> 00:08:21,728
You're just trying to
sabotage our relationship
244
00:08:21,730 --> 00:08:23,830
cause Lewis is a bad boy.
245
00:08:23,832 --> 00:08:25,098
I'll be upstairs doing my homework.
246
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,500
Lewis says good grades are sexy.
247
00:08:29,236 --> 00:08:30,703
Lewis is going to break up with Ana.
248
00:08:30,705 --> 00:08:31,972
Thank God.
249
00:08:31,974 --> 00:08:33,239
They are terrible for each other.
250
00:08:33,241 --> 00:08:34,374
I better tell her the bad news.
251
00:08:34,376 --> 00:08:36,443
Ever heard of killing the messenger?
252
00:08:36,445 --> 00:08:37,643
Come on Harry, the only reason Ana
253
00:08:37,645 --> 00:08:38,945
likes you is because you're lazy,
254
00:08:38,947 --> 00:08:40,780
and you don't involve yourself in her life.
255
00:08:40,782 --> 00:08:44,083
There's a lesson in there, Janet.
256
00:08:48,522 --> 00:08:49,956
Lewis is going to break up with me?
257
00:08:49,958 --> 00:08:52,492
I know, it's awful.
258
00:08:52,494 --> 00:08:54,293
We were like Romeo and Julia.
259
00:08:54,295 --> 00:08:56,328
Close.
260
00:08:57,349 --> 00:09:01,986
You know, I heard Lewis
say that he hated fashion.
261
00:09:01,986 --> 00:09:03,502
And texting.
262
00:09:03,789 --> 00:09:07,056
You're just saying those
things to be nice...
263
00:09:07,058 --> 00:09:08,191
Thanks mom.
264
00:09:09,994 --> 00:09:11,928
Oh, you're hugging me.
265
00:09:11,930 --> 00:09:14,998
I thought you were going to be mad at me.
266
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,800
I know, It's weird.
267
00:09:18,702 --> 00:09:20,236
Hey Harry, glad you're here.
268
00:09:20,238 --> 00:09:21,504
Have a beer.
269
00:09:21,506 --> 00:09:22,138
Glad I'm here?
270
00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:23,039
Have a beer?
271
00:09:24,074 --> 00:09:25,675
What's wrong?
272
00:09:25,677 --> 00:09:26,542
Zoey lied to me.
273
00:09:26,544 --> 00:09:27,710
And I had no idea.
274
00:09:27,712 --> 00:09:29,244
I thought she was the optimistic,
275
00:09:29,246 --> 00:09:30,646
honest one and I was the cynical,
276
00:09:30,648 --> 00:09:31,847
deceitful one.
277
00:09:31,849 --> 00:09:34,550
Hey, come on now, you're deceitful.
278
00:09:34,552 --> 00:09:37,052
Not compared to Zoey
McLies-A-Lot Fib-Machine.
279
00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,554
Zoey is the worst liar of all time.
280
00:09:38,556 --> 00:09:40,456
She has a huge tell.
281
00:09:40,458 --> 00:09:41,924
Every time she lies, she tilts her head
282
00:09:41,926 --> 00:09:43,192
to the side.
283
00:09:43,194 --> 00:09:44,293
She has a tell?
284
00:09:44,295 --> 00:09:47,329
She tilts her head like a curious bird.
285
00:09:47,331 --> 00:09:48,463
Zoey does not have a 'tell.'
286
00:09:48,465 --> 00:09:49,564
If you say so.
287
00:09:49,566 --> 00:09:50,606
But unlike your wife I have no reason to
288
00:09:50,606 --> 00:09:51,733
lie to you.
289
00:09:51,735 --> 00:09:53,202
You should go.
290
00:09:53,204 --> 00:09:55,603
Yeah, but you said, 'glad I was here.'
291
00:09:55,605 --> 00:09:57,005
I was lying.
292
00:10:01,778 --> 00:10:03,455
Charlie and I play a more advanced version
293
00:10:03,455 --> 00:10:04,313
of peek-a-boo.
294
00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:06,047
If you'd like, someday I can teach you.
295
00:10:06,049 --> 00:10:07,582
Bless you.
296
00:10:07,584 --> 00:10:08,916
You're an amazing mother.
297
00:10:08,918 --> 00:10:11,052
I can't believe Charlie's
only six months old-
298
00:10:11,054 --> 00:10:14,589
Well, the truth can be
stranger than fiction.
299
00:10:14,591 --> 00:10:15,390
I would know.
300
00:10:15,392 --> 00:10:16,391
Librarian.
301
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:21,729
Well lookie who's abusing
my lie to boost her ego?
302
00:10:21,731 --> 00:10:24,732
I, I just came to get a coffee,
303
00:10:24,734 --> 00:10:26,781
and they started to praise me, and...
304
00:10:27,947 --> 00:10:29,105
Wait what are you doing here?
305
00:10:29,572 --> 00:10:30,704
Rough day.
306
00:10:30,706 --> 00:10:33,207
I needed a little
parental praise pick-me up.
307
00:10:33,209 --> 00:10:34,375
Good you're both here.
308
00:10:34,377 --> 00:10:35,743
Should I be using nutritional additive
309
00:10:35,745 --> 00:10:36,844
in my bottle formula?
310
00:10:36,846 --> 00:10:38,144
No way.
311
00:10:38,146 --> 00:10:38,945
Absolutely.
312
00:10:38,947 --> 00:10:41,415
Absolutely not.
313
00:10:41,417 --> 00:10:44,084
It's so reassuring to
learn from the experts.
314
00:10:44,086 --> 00:10:45,252
Yep.
315
00:10:45,254 --> 00:10:48,255
We've learned a lot
in the last eleven mon-
316
00:10:48,257 --> 00:10:49,956
eleven minutes.
317
00:10:49,958 --> 00:10:51,424
I just read a book.
318
00:10:51,426 --> 00:10:53,760
Who's got the PhD in smart?
319
00:10:53,762 --> 00:10:54,761
Me.
320
00:10:56,931 --> 00:10:59,665
We are the best, aren't we?
321
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:00,666
Yeah.
322
00:11:03,905 --> 00:11:06,006
All the kids are using tablets.
323
00:11:06,008 --> 00:11:07,874
I may have said that was the key
324
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,377
to Charlie's amazingingness.
325
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,212
You're mad?
326
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:15,882
Here... two free lattes.
327
00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:21,220
Thanks for introducing
us to the Charlie Method.
328
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:21,921
Go Team Charlie!
329
00:11:21,923 --> 00:11:23,255
Umm hmm!
330
00:11:27,995 --> 00:11:28,593
Surprise!
331
00:11:28,595 --> 00:11:30,162
I'm here!
332
00:11:30,164 --> 00:11:33,832
Zoey, do you really use
our expensive cable package
333
00:11:33,834 --> 00:11:35,834
to watch journal shows, or is it all about
334
00:11:35,836 --> 00:11:37,636
the women's tennis?
335
00:11:37,638 --> 00:11:39,671
Journal shows, why?
336
00:11:39,673 --> 00:11:40,839
I see.
337
00:11:40,841 --> 00:11:43,174
And, uh, my rule about
338
00:11:43,176 --> 00:11:44,108
'no eating in bed'...
339
00:11:44,110 --> 00:11:45,209
you never break it, right?
340
00:11:45,211 --> 00:11:46,812
Like when I'm sleeping?
341
00:11:46,814 --> 00:11:48,513
I only eat cookies in the kitchen.
342
00:11:48,515 --> 00:11:50,315
Because cookies are kitchen food.
343
00:11:50,317 --> 00:11:52,083
And my ceramic bust of Elvis that I kept
344
00:11:52,085 --> 00:11:53,351
on top of the fridge...
345
00:11:53,353 --> 00:11:55,720
That was broken when I got home.
346
00:11:55,722 --> 00:11:57,188
You're lying.
347
00:11:57,190 --> 00:11:59,357
I can see when you're lying.
348
00:11:59,359 --> 00:12:01,292
You have the world's biggest 'tell' babe.
349
00:12:01,294 --> 00:12:03,727
Lying lying lying liar.
350
00:12:03,729 --> 00:12:04,662
I have a 'tell'?
351
00:12:04,664 --> 00:12:06,331
It was actually kind of cute.
352
00:12:06,333 --> 00:12:08,166
Well, now you know when I'm lying,
353
00:12:08,168 --> 00:12:09,500
so that's good, right?
354
00:12:09,502 --> 00:12:10,435
It's great.
355
00:12:10,437 --> 00:12:11,635
Well then everybody's happy.
356
00:12:11,637 --> 00:12:12,337
You're happy.
357
00:12:12,339 --> 00:12:13,571
And I'm happy.
358
00:12:13,573 --> 00:12:15,573
Happy happy happy.
359
00:12:15,575 --> 00:12:17,808
Zoey, you're lying...
360
00:12:17,810 --> 00:12:19,577
Are you unhappy?
361
00:12:19,579 --> 00:12:20,878
What kind of a question is that?
362
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,179
I'm always the happy one.
363
00:12:22,181 --> 00:12:24,482
Happy happy Zoey, that's what they call me.
364
00:12:24,484 --> 00:12:26,851
Of course I'm happy.
365
00:12:26,853 --> 00:12:28,185
Am I unhappy?
366
00:12:32,256 --> 00:12:33,256
Surprise.
367
00:12:39,397 --> 00:12:40,998
This was Lewis and my favorite movie.
368
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:44,434
It's always so sad when the
ship sinks and Jack drowns.
369
00:12:44,436 --> 00:12:45,635
Yeah.
370
00:12:45,637 --> 00:12:47,436
But then she throws away
the Heart of the Ocean.
371
00:12:47,438 --> 00:12:48,771
I mean that necklace would have been
372
00:12:48,773 --> 00:12:50,740
worth a fortune...
373
00:12:50,742 --> 00:12:51,641
What?
374
00:12:51,643 --> 00:12:53,743
I mean, she said 'never let go',
375
00:12:53,745 --> 00:12:56,145
and then she lets go.
376
00:12:56,147 --> 00:12:57,380
It's so sad.
377
00:12:57,382 --> 00:12:58,648
I know.
378
00:12:58,650 --> 00:13:01,250
I didn't know you had feelings inside you.
379
00:13:01,252 --> 00:13:02,385
Oh sweetie.
380
00:13:05,555 --> 00:13:06,489
Jonathan?
381
00:13:06,491 --> 00:13:07,656
Lewis?
382
00:13:07,658 --> 00:13:08,491
What are you...?
383
00:13:08,493 --> 00:13:10,059
Hi Mrs. C.
384
00:13:10,061 --> 00:13:11,460
What are you doing here?
385
00:13:11,462 --> 00:13:13,195
I convinced Lewis not to break up with Ana.
386
00:13:13,197 --> 00:13:14,730
Lewis?
387
00:13:14,732 --> 00:13:15,364
We're broken up.
388
00:13:15,366 --> 00:13:16,798
We are?
389
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:17,466
Oh no you're not.
390
00:13:17,468 --> 00:13:18,734
Oh yes you are.
391
00:13:18,736 --> 00:13:19,601
No we're not.
392
00:13:19,603 --> 00:13:20,536
Oh yes we are.
393
00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:22,203
Wait.
394
00:13:22,205 --> 00:13:23,872
I can't believe I trusted you.
395
00:13:23,874 --> 00:13:26,508
You hate Lewis so you tried
to ruin my entire life...
396
00:13:26,510 --> 00:13:28,343
No, I'm just the messenger...
397
00:13:28,345 --> 00:13:30,378
I could kill you.
398
00:13:30,380 --> 00:13:31,747
Come on, Lewis.
399
00:13:31,749 --> 00:13:33,281
My parents might not like
your unconventional ways
400
00:13:33,283 --> 00:13:34,850
but I live dangerously.
401
00:13:34,852 --> 00:13:35,551
You should probably get a coat,
402
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:37,718
it's pretty chilly.
403
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,354
We'll be together forever and there's
404
00:13:39,356 --> 00:13:40,422
nothing you can do about it.
405
00:13:40,424 --> 00:13:41,689
Oh, let's take public transit.
406
00:13:41,691 --> 00:13:43,891
It's the safe and reliable option.
407
00:13:43,893 --> 00:13:46,227
Don't be home too early.
408
00:13:48,564 --> 00:13:49,564
Our daughter hates us.
409
00:13:49,566 --> 00:13:51,499
No, just you.
410
00:13:55,705 --> 00:13:57,304
Are we screwing these kids up?
411
00:13:57,306 --> 00:13:58,205
You said those tablets mess with babies'
412
00:13:58,207 --> 00:13:59,206
attention spans.
413
00:13:59,208 --> 00:14:02,109
That doesn't sound like me.
414
00:14:02,111 --> 00:14:03,778
Let's not worry about it, okay?
415
00:14:03,780 --> 00:14:06,146
I'm finally getting the
recognition I deserve.
416
00:14:06,148 --> 00:14:07,548
You mean we?
417
00:14:07,550 --> 00:14:08,716
Yes.
418
00:14:08,718 --> 00:14:11,952
We're finally getting
the recognition I deserve.
419
00:14:11,954 --> 00:14:13,087
I get some credit.
420
00:14:13,089 --> 00:14:15,556
I'm the primary care giver, so really all
421
00:14:15,558 --> 00:14:17,691
Charlie's accomplishments
are my accomplishments.
422
00:14:17,693 --> 00:14:18,792
Fake accomplishments Rose.
423
00:14:18,794 --> 00:14:20,227
And just like Super Charlie,
424
00:14:20,229 --> 00:14:22,662
my six-month-old
is also ready for
425
00:14:22,664 --> 00:14:27,801
hard cereal, and mmmm, firm cheese!
426
00:14:27,803 --> 00:14:30,269
Um, are you sure about that?
427
00:14:30,271 --> 00:14:32,472
Doctors say that six-month olds should
428
00:14:32,474 --> 00:14:34,641
only have soft foods,
but I want my Veronica
429
00:14:34,643 --> 00:14:36,977
to be the next Charlie!
430
00:14:38,746 --> 00:14:39,946
Bon appetit.
431
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,286
Stop!
432
00:14:47,288 --> 00:14:48,854
Charlie is not six months old.
433
00:14:48,856 --> 00:14:50,022
He's eleven months.
434
00:14:50,024 --> 00:14:53,493
He is?
435
00:14:53,495 --> 00:14:55,528
We've been taking advice from liars
436
00:14:55,530 --> 00:14:57,963
with an eleven month
old who can't even crawl?
437
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,431
Should he be crawling by now?
438
00:14:59,433 --> 00:15:01,366
Yeah, like sixty days ago.
439
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:02,668
No wonder Charlie's so slow.
440
00:15:02,670 --> 00:15:04,770
You're both terrible parents.
441
00:15:04,772 --> 00:15:06,238
Kinda parent.
442
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,707
Hey, don't blame Harry.
443
00:15:08,709 --> 00:15:11,409
Yeah, it's not my fault Charlie's slow.
444
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,445
You think Charlie is slow?
445
00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:15,647
Hey, don't blame yourself.
446
00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:16,814
I don't.
447
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,383
If anything he's slow because of you.
448
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:19,717
Oh yeah, that makes sense,
449
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,987
primary caregiver.
450
00:15:26,596 --> 00:15:27,763
Thank you.
451
00:15:27,765 --> 00:15:28,831
Hey, oh I'm glad you came.
452
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:30,132
Thank you.
453
00:15:31,202 --> 00:15:32,468
Surprise!
454
00:15:32,470 --> 00:15:33,569
Gotcha!
455
00:15:33,571 --> 00:15:35,270
I owed you a surprise and here it is!
456
00:15:35,272 --> 00:15:36,905
That was so so great.
457
00:15:36,907 --> 00:15:39,308
You really surprised me.
458
00:15:39,310 --> 00:15:40,909
Ugh, she's lying.
459
00:15:40,911 --> 00:15:42,677
Yep.
460
00:15:42,679 --> 00:15:44,379
So, how're you feeling?
461
00:15:44,381 --> 00:15:45,881
Any idea why you're unhappy?
462
00:15:45,883 --> 00:15:47,316
Sadly, no.
463
00:15:47,318 --> 00:15:48,817
It's probably Harry.
464
00:15:48,819 --> 00:15:49,684
I bet it's Harry.
465
00:15:49,686 --> 00:15:50,685
Of course it's Harry.
466
00:15:50,687 --> 00:15:52,321
No, it's not Harry.
467
00:15:52,323 --> 00:15:54,656
Well the stress of party planning?
468
00:15:54,658 --> 00:15:56,558
Why would planning a party make me unhappy?
469
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,159
Because babe, you throw a party
470
00:15:58,161 --> 00:15:59,327
for every occasion.
471
00:15:59,329 --> 00:16:00,495
Labour Day.
472
00:16:00,497 --> 00:16:02,163
Groundhog Day, Black Friday...
473
00:16:02,165 --> 00:16:04,332
which I appreciate, but it doesn't mean
474
00:16:04,334 --> 00:16:06,968
what you think it does.
475
00:16:06,970 --> 00:16:08,269
That can't be it.
476
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:10,471
I love planning parties.
477
00:16:10,473 --> 00:16:11,372
And, really?
478
00:16:11,374 --> 00:16:12,473
Black Friday isn't...
479
00:16:12,475 --> 00:16:14,108
No.
480
00:16:14,110 --> 00:16:15,276
Oh...
481
00:16:17,981 --> 00:16:19,046
Hey.
482
00:16:19,048 --> 00:16:20,248
Thanks for coming.
483
00:16:20,250 --> 00:16:21,815
Is everything okay?
484
00:16:21,817 --> 00:16:23,184
Never better.
485
00:16:23,186 --> 00:16:24,451
Charlie may have fallen
a little bit behind,
486
00:16:24,453 --> 00:16:25,652
development-wise.
487
00:16:25,654 --> 00:16:27,020
I blame myself.
488
00:16:27,022 --> 00:16:28,489
For choosing Harry.
489
00:16:28,491 --> 00:16:29,289
Rose is under the impression that
490
00:16:29,291 --> 00:16:30,391
it's my sperm's fault.
491
00:16:30,393 --> 00:16:32,325
It's nature versus nurture.
492
00:16:32,327 --> 00:16:33,594
And you blame Rose's nurture?
493
00:16:33,596 --> 00:16:35,429
Nurture-ly.-Naturally.
494
00:16:35,431 --> 00:16:36,897
My nurturing is the only thing
495
00:16:36,899 --> 00:16:38,031
keeping Charlie on track.
496
00:16:38,033 --> 00:16:39,900
It's Father Nature's
fault he's not crawling.
497
00:16:39,902 --> 00:16:40,501
Well, you know, babies develop at
498
00:16:40,503 --> 00:16:41,535
their own rate.
499
00:16:41,537 --> 00:16:43,669
It's no one's fault if Charlie's slow.
500
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:47,140
He is not slow!
501
00:16:47,142 --> 00:16:50,377
Happy Anniversary.
502
00:16:55,117 --> 00:16:56,449
We'll hit up Stacey's party later,
503
00:16:56,451 --> 00:16:57,550
but first I should say hi to my
504
00:16:57,552 --> 00:16:58,919
half-brother's lesbian parents.
505
00:16:58,921 --> 00:17:00,185
Then we can ditch.
506
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:02,522
You said 'ditch' AND lesbian...
507
00:17:02,524 --> 00:17:04,524
You are so bad.
508
00:17:04,526 --> 00:17:06,793
Also, this is a perfect
opportunity to pre-drink
509
00:17:06,795 --> 00:17:07,860
for free.
510
00:17:07,862 --> 00:17:08,895
Oh, what's a 'pre-drink?'
511
00:17:08,897 --> 00:17:09,662
Ha. Good one.
512
00:17:09,664 --> 00:17:10,430
Come on.
513
00:17:10,432 --> 00:17:12,799
No one's working the bar.
514
00:17:12,801 --> 00:17:13,499
Hey guys.
515
00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:14,967
Great to see you.
516
00:17:14,969 --> 00:17:16,635
Sure sure, um where are
517
00:17:16,637 --> 00:17:18,237
Lewis and Anastasia?
518
00:17:18,239 --> 00:17:19,704
They're here, right?
519
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,573
Happy twelfth anniversary,
520
00:17:21,575 --> 00:17:23,309
what is that, iron anniversary?
521
00:17:23,311 --> 00:17:24,243
Steel?
522
00:17:24,245 --> 00:17:26,145
Something special.
523
00:17:26,147 --> 00:17:27,712
So where is Anastasia?
524
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,582
Janet, how far behind
was Ana on her milestones?
525
00:17:30,584 --> 00:17:31,550
Say, crawling.
526
00:17:31,552 --> 00:17:32,484
Excuse me?
527
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:34,586
Anastasia hit every milestone early.
528
00:17:34,588 --> 00:17:36,721
Crawling, talking, you name it.
529
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,189
She was way ahead of schedule.
530
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,257
And then of course she grew up,
531
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,827
and everything changed and she...
532
00:17:41,829 --> 00:17:43,394
Oh look, mini quiches.
533
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,729
Delightful.
534
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,030
Billy learned to walk before he was one.
535
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:47,499
Right?
536
00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:49,968
So genetically speaking,
you got the cream of the
537
00:17:49,970 --> 00:17:51,302
cream of sperm donors.
538
00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:53,504
So?
539
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:54,939
I make great kids.
540
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:56,441
I'm just not responsible
for what happens when the
541
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:57,875
sperm leaves the clinic.
542
00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:00,044
Any deficiencies come
down to bad parenting.
543
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:01,645
No offense, no offense,
544
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:02,913
no offense, no offense,
545
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,283
some offense.
546
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:08,151
So, Ana's dating a bad boy.
547
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:09,887
I dated a bad boy once.
548
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:12,155
He had a hot sister.
549
00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:13,858
Wonder what kind of girls Billy will date?
550
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,559
Oh, it won't be long now.
551
00:18:15,561 --> 00:18:16,360
That's enough.
552
00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:17,327
Billy's not dating.
553
00:18:17,329 --> 00:18:18,428
He's not growing up.
554
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:21,098
He's still my little boy and I...
555
00:18:21,864 --> 00:18:24,439
Oh my Gaia, that's why I'm unhappy.
556
00:18:24,669 --> 00:18:26,470
Billy's getting older, and I'm just not as
557
00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:27,804
needed anymore.
558
00:18:27,806 --> 00:18:30,474
I've been so busy being a Mom I forgot
559
00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:33,176
about my own passions.
560
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:35,645
What a breakthrough.
561
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:38,482
Hey Mr. C... What's going on man?
562
00:18:38,484 --> 00:18:39,281
Oh...
563
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:47,824
Hey man, hey, do you want
564
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,025
one of these?
565
00:18:49,027 --> 00:18:50,159
They're called a screwdriver.
566
00:18:50,161 --> 00:18:51,528
Ana got me it and said it was a
567
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,062
screwdriver and I said that's not a
568
00:18:53,064 --> 00:18:55,597
screw driver silly, it's a cup.
569
00:18:55,599 --> 00:18:57,233
Cup cup cup.
570
00:18:57,235 --> 00:18:58,067
He's drunk.
571
00:18:58,069 --> 00:18:59,368
You fed him booze!?
572
00:18:59,370 --> 00:19:00,836
He told me he'd never had any.
573
00:19:00,838 --> 00:19:02,071
And he's seventeen.
574
00:19:02,073 --> 00:19:03,339
Isn't that crazy?
575
00:19:03,341 --> 00:19:05,441
I have never felt so great in my
576
00:19:05,443 --> 00:19:07,043
whole damn life.
577
00:19:08,245 --> 00:19:09,445
I said damn.
578
00:19:10,613 --> 00:19:11,613
Butts.
579
00:19:12,982 --> 00:19:14,416
I love swearing.
580
00:19:14,418 --> 00:19:15,551
He only had one drink.
581
00:19:15,553 --> 00:19:16,952
You know what, that's a good idea.
582
00:19:16,954 --> 00:19:17,719
These things are really good.
583
00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:19,320
Woo!
584
00:19:19,322 --> 00:19:21,222
I'm the king of the world!
585
00:19:21,224 --> 00:19:21,857
Hey, give me another one,
586
00:19:21,859 --> 00:19:22,758
these are great.
587
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:23,759
What happened to Straight Edge?
588
00:19:23,761 --> 00:19:24,726
What happened to your system of beliefs,
589
00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:26,061
of going against the norm?
590
00:19:26,063 --> 00:19:27,195
Straight Edge?
591
00:19:27,197 --> 00:19:28,463
What's that?
592
00:19:28,465 --> 00:19:30,865
Your Bad Girl daughter
showed me a better way.
593
00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:34,502
I just want to have fun,
and I just want to drink
594
00:19:34,504 --> 00:19:36,904
and I want to swear, and I don't believe
595
00:19:36,906 --> 00:19:38,306
in nothing.
596
00:19:38,308 --> 00:19:39,407
You corrupted our Lewis.
597
00:19:39,409 --> 00:19:41,476
No, he's perfect.
598
00:19:41,478 --> 00:19:43,911
We should all be dead beats,
599
00:19:43,913 --> 00:19:45,412
like Anastasia,
600
00:19:45,414 --> 00:19:47,848
cause then we could have no futures and
601
00:19:47,850 --> 00:19:49,650
just party all the time.
602
00:19:49,652 --> 00:19:50,985
Wooo!
603
00:19:50,987 --> 00:19:52,453
Shut up and get out.
604
00:19:52,455 --> 00:19:55,723
Just take your stupid
pleather jacket and leave.
605
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,126
You guys were right to hate him.
606
00:19:59,872 --> 00:20:00,584
We love Lewis.
607
00:20:00,584 --> 00:20:01,195
No, we didn't.
608
00:20:01,197 --> 00:20:02,229
We hated him.
609
00:20:02,231 --> 00:20:04,064
We always hated him.
610
00:20:04,066 --> 00:20:04,898
Come here.
611
00:20:10,038 --> 00:20:12,473
See, Billy will always need you.
612
00:20:12,475 --> 00:20:14,274
I know.
613
00:20:14,276 --> 00:20:15,342
But I'm looking forward to
614
00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:16,843
growing into a new purpose.
615
00:20:16,845 --> 00:20:18,645
Finding fulfillment.
616
00:20:18,647 --> 00:20:23,016
That's right, people, I'm
getting a part-time job!
617
00:20:23,018 --> 00:20:26,285
I switched the vegan
sandwiches with the roast beef!
618
00:20:26,287 --> 00:20:28,855
Surprise!
619
00:20:28,857 --> 00:20:30,423
Thanks Billy.
620
00:20:30,425 --> 00:20:31,858
Look out you two.
621
00:20:31,860 --> 00:20:34,293
You blink and Charlie
will be ten years old.
622
00:20:36,330 --> 00:20:38,231
I guess we're not in any rush.
623
00:20:38,233 --> 00:20:39,432
Yeah.
624
00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:41,234
Charlie will develop at his own pace.
625
00:20:41,236 --> 00:20:42,635
I'm not worried.
626
00:20:42,637 --> 00:20:44,303
Me neither.
627
00:20:44,305 --> 00:20:45,605
At all.
628
00:20:45,607 --> 00:20:46,872
Look!
629
00:20:46,874 --> 00:20:50,409
He's crawling... He can crawl!
630
00:20:50,411 --> 00:20:50,809
Thank god.
631
00:20:50,811 --> 00:20:52,144
Finally.
632
00:20:52,146 --> 00:20:53,646
Oh, I was worried.
633
00:20:53,648 --> 00:20:54,379
I thought he was slow.
634
00:20:54,381 --> 00:20:55,380
Oh, me too.
635
00:20:57,552 --> 00:20:58,985
You see Ana, you may be sad now,
636
00:20:58,987 --> 00:21:00,854
but your heart will go on.
637
00:21:00,856 --> 00:21:01,789
Oh I know!
638
00:21:01,791 --> 00:21:03,123
I met a great new guy named Seth.
639
00:21:03,125 --> 00:21:04,857
He makes crystals in a lab.
640
00:21:04,859 --> 00:21:05,892
How cool is that?
641
00:21:05,894 --> 00:21:08,895
Crystals, that sounds wholesome.
642
00:21:11,665 --> 00:21:13,233
Look at all these jobs.
643
00:21:13,235 --> 00:21:15,969
Corrections officer; they get so many
644
00:21:15,971 --> 00:21:18,371
meanies applying, they'd love me.
645
00:21:18,373 --> 00:21:20,072
Or I could be a five-star chef.
646
00:21:20,074 --> 00:21:22,074
Then I'd finally learn
how to really cook...
647
00:21:22,076 --> 00:21:23,075
Definitely.
648
00:21:23,077 --> 00:21:26,011
Those sound like great ideas.
649
00:21:27,514 --> 00:21:28,648
Aw darn.
650
00:21:28,650 --> 00:21:30,716
I let Charlie use your
tablet, and he broke it.
651
00:21:30,718 --> 00:21:31,818
Just like that.
652
00:21:31,820 --> 00:21:33,252
Really?
653
00:21:33,254 --> 00:21:34,954
Charlie broke it?
654
00:21:34,956 --> 00:21:35,955
Yep.
655
00:21:39,393 --> 00:21:43,096
Synced and corrected by
Mastermonger. www.addic7ed.com
42152
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