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1
00:00:01,307 --> 00:00:04,015
[bright tone]
2
00:00:05,265 --> 00:00:07,223
- Yeah, baby,
so that's the real reason why
3
00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:10,390
I think Eminem
should say "nigga."
4
00:00:10,473 --> 00:00:11,973
- Oh, my God.
[laughs]
5
00:00:12,056 --> 00:00:13,432
That's my high school
band teacher, Ms. Johnson.
6
00:00:13,515 --> 00:00:15,307
Hey--
7
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:16,432
[stammers]
So weird.
8
00:00:16,515 --> 00:00:18,849
I went to vacation bible school
with that girl.
9
00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:20,265
- Mm-hmm.
10
00:00:20,348 --> 00:00:22,056
[soft dramatic music]
11
00:00:22,140 --> 00:00:23,931
- Dewayne?
- Mm-hmm?
12
00:00:24,015 --> 00:00:25,724
- What is happening?
13
00:00:25,807 --> 00:00:27,348
- And one and two
14
00:00:27,432 --> 00:00:29,515
and three and four
and four and five and six.
15
00:00:29,599 --> 00:00:31,432
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
16
00:00:31,515 --> 00:00:33,056
What did you do?
17
00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:35,432
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
18
00:00:35,515 --> 00:00:38,307
And they shimmy, shimmy,
shimmy, and jump, jump.
19
00:00:38,390 --> 00:00:39,849
They gonna upjump, baby.
Look at that.
20
00:00:39,931 --> 00:00:42,515
[grunting to the beat]
Yeah, hands to the sky.
21
00:00:42,599 --> 00:00:45,682
♪ ♪
22
00:00:45,765 --> 00:00:47,307
- When did everybody learn--
should I know this--
23
00:00:47,390 --> 00:00:48,807
- Come here.
- Oh, no.
24
00:00:48,890 --> 00:00:50,931
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah.
25
00:00:51,015 --> 00:00:54,765
Asia Naomi Campbell,
will you marry me?
26
00:00:54,849 --> 00:00:56,807
- Nigga, what the fuck
is wrong with you?
27
00:00:56,931 --> 00:00:59,181
Why would you propose?
You just lost your job.
28
00:00:59,265 --> 00:01:00,223
- Surprise!
29
00:01:00,307 --> 00:01:02,056
I quit my job to devote myself
30
00:01:02,140 --> 00:01:04,181
to organizing this flash mob
full-time.
31
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,140
- You quit?
You told me you got fired.
32
00:01:06,223 --> 00:01:07,348
I cussed out your boss.
33
00:01:07,432 --> 00:01:10,223
- It's a viral proposal!
It's what you always wanted.
34
00:01:10,307 --> 00:01:12,557
- No, what I always wanted
35
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,931
was to find a black lady
therapist in-network,
36
00:01:15,015 --> 00:01:16,849
but I guess I dream too big.
37
00:01:16,931 --> 00:01:18,557
[harp strums]
38
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,390
- Darling!
39
00:01:20,473 --> 00:01:23,181
- Mom?
- Isn't this just everything?
40
00:01:23,265 --> 00:01:26,724
Your mother is going to be
on the YouTube,
41
00:01:26,807 --> 00:01:30,557
and they are gonna love me.
42
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:31,931
- Mom, what are you doing here?
43
00:01:32,015 --> 00:01:34,473
You called him "that fuckboy"
just last week.
44
00:01:34,557 --> 00:01:36,557
- And yesterday.
Hey, bestie.
45
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,015
- Sweetheart,
you know how I feel
46
00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:40,973
about the art of the dance.
47
00:01:41,056 --> 00:01:43,223
Anyway, when your fuckboy here
called me and asked me
48
00:01:43,307 --> 00:01:46,307
to choreograph this
very special proposal for you,
49
00:01:46,390 --> 00:01:47,931
how could I say no?
50
00:01:48,015 --> 00:01:50,931
- Bam!
- Whoa, that is huge.
51
00:01:51,015 --> 00:01:53,015
You can't afford that.
- But we can.
52
00:01:53,098 --> 00:01:55,265
I put everything on
a credit card in both our names.
53
00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:57,682
- Oh!
- [sighs]
54
00:01:57,765 --> 00:01:59,056
- Honey, don't be rude.
55
00:01:59,140 --> 00:02:01,724
This fine young man is trying
to do something nice for you.
56
00:02:01,807 --> 00:02:02,765
- Dad?
57
00:02:02,849 --> 00:02:03,890
- I found Clarence
up on Facebook.
58
00:02:03,973 --> 00:02:06,390
- Hey, sugarfoot.
- What are you doing here?
59
00:02:06,473 --> 00:02:09,015
You abandoned us 12 years ago.
60
00:02:09,098 --> 00:02:10,223
- Well...
- I did not know that.
61
00:02:10,307 --> 00:02:11,849
- It's true.
62
00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:13,098
I figured since
you were getting married,
63
00:02:13,181 --> 00:02:14,599
you probably wanted
to have your father here.
64
00:02:14,682 --> 00:02:17,557
- Okay, first of all,
I am not getting married.
65
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,056
Secondly, I never want you
anywhere, ever.
66
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,181
- See?
67
00:02:21,265 --> 00:02:22,807
That kind of attitude's
why you can't get a man.
68
00:02:22,890 --> 00:02:25,640
- There's one proposing to me
right now!
69
00:02:25,724 --> 00:02:28,140
[dancers cheering]
- Energy!
70
00:02:28,223 --> 00:02:29,432
- Okay.
[laughs]
71
00:02:29,515 --> 00:02:31,473
I'm sorry, everyone,
it's just--
72
00:02:31,557 --> 00:02:33,807
we've only been dating
for, like, three months.
73
00:02:33,890 --> 00:02:36,515
- Oh, sweetheart,
your father proposed to me,
74
00:02:36,599 --> 00:02:39,515
we'd only been dating
for three days.
75
00:02:39,599 --> 00:02:41,724
- Tiffany, you hate Dewayne.
76
00:02:41,807 --> 00:02:44,890
You tried to set me up with one
of your coworkers last week.
77
00:02:44,973 --> 00:02:47,390
- He is garbage,
but this is a dream come true,
78
00:02:47,473 --> 00:02:48,849
and I love to dance.
79
00:02:48,931 --> 00:02:50,557
- That's right, bitch.
You do be loving to dance.
80
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,140
She do love to dance.
- Mm-hmm.
81
00:02:52,223 --> 00:02:54,807
- Yeah, the rest of y'all,
none of you like him.
82
00:02:54,890 --> 00:02:56,557
Okay, he--he doesn't eat
vegetables.
83
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,931
His fingernails stay dirty.
84
00:02:59,015 --> 00:03:00,640
He says "irregardless."
85
00:03:00,724 --> 00:03:02,682
- [chuckles] And I do not
return text messages.
86
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:06,015
- Why would any of you
participate in this?
87
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:08,056
- It is your 35th birthday
next month.
88
00:03:08,140 --> 00:03:11,473
- Oh, so now you remember
my birthday.
89
00:03:11,557 --> 00:03:13,599
Shut the fuck up, Clarence!
[all gasp]
90
00:03:13,682 --> 00:03:16,307
Everybody, this is over.
91
00:03:16,390 --> 00:03:18,890
Go to Cheesecake Factory
or something, except for you.
92
00:03:18,973 --> 00:03:22,807
You disappear
from my life again.
93
00:03:22,890 --> 00:03:24,557
- Baby! Baby.
94
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:26,473
- You called my mom?
- I--
95
00:03:26,557 --> 00:03:29,223
- Honey.
Honey.
96
00:03:29,307 --> 00:03:30,931
- [laughs]
Yeah.
97
00:03:31,015 --> 00:03:38,015
♪ ♪
98
00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:46,348
[music fades]
99
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:52,640
- [grunting rhythmically]
100
00:04:08,432 --> 00:04:11,390
[Megan Thee Stallion's
"Hot Girl"]
101
00:04:11,473 --> 00:04:13,557
♪ ♪
102
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,682
- ♪ All the hot girls
make it pop, pop, pop ♪
103
00:04:15,765 --> 00:04:18,015
♪ Bad bitches with the bag
say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪
104
00:04:18,098 --> 00:04:19,307
♪ If he ain't talking
'bout no money ♪
105
00:04:19,390 --> 00:04:20,890
♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪
106
00:04:20,973 --> 00:04:23,265
♪ And if you see a mad ho,
tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪
107
00:04:23,348 --> 00:04:25,265
♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
108
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:26,765
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪
109
00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:28,056
- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
110
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:29,473
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪
111
00:04:29,557 --> 00:04:31,765
- ♪ Don't get mad, ho,
huh, fuck a broke ho ♪
112
00:04:31,849 --> 00:04:33,056
♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
113
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,348
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
114
00:04:34,432 --> 00:04:36,432
♪ All the hot girls
make it pop, pop, pop ♪
115
00:04:36,515 --> 00:04:38,640
♪ Bad bitches with the bag
say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪
116
00:04:38,724 --> 00:04:39,931
♪ If he ain't talking
'bout no money ♪
117
00:04:40,015 --> 00:04:41,515
♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪
118
00:04:41,599 --> 00:04:43,807
♪ And if you see a mad ho,
tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪
119
00:04:43,890 --> 00:04:45,765
♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
120
00:04:45,849 --> 00:04:47,140
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪
121
00:04:47,223 --> 00:04:48,473
- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
122
00:04:48,557 --> 00:04:50,140
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪
123
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,223
- ♪ Don't get mad, ho,
huh, fuck a broke ho ♪
124
00:04:52,307 --> 00:04:54,557
♪ Don't get mad, ho,
get a bag, ho ♪
125
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:55,557
♪ Ah ♪
126
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,849
[birds chirping]
127
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:00,931
- I'll put my foot in these
canned green beans.
128
00:05:01,015 --> 00:05:02,181
I don't know what
y'all talking about.
129
00:05:02,265 --> 00:05:04,348
[laughter]
Tastes like it.
130
00:05:04,432 --> 00:05:06,515
- Yes, you did.
- Well, get used to it.
131
00:05:06,599 --> 00:05:08,807
- Mm, guys, I miss my man.
132
00:05:08,890 --> 00:05:09,973
- Girl, which one?
133
00:05:10,056 --> 00:05:11,557
- My main one, Kevin.
- [scoffs]
134
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:12,931
- Oh, no.
- I miss men in general.
135
00:05:13,015 --> 00:05:14,515
- We haven't even been here
a full day.
136
00:05:14,599 --> 00:05:16,181
Y'all some thirsty bitches.
137
00:05:16,265 --> 00:05:18,973
- Hey, hey, Kevin was
a good boyfriend, okay?
138
00:05:19,056 --> 00:05:22,056
Now, he stole my car one time,
but he brought that shit back.
139
00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:23,807
[spoon clatters]
- With a girl in it.
140
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,640
- Aww.
- You have bad taste in men.
141
00:05:25,724 --> 00:05:28,098
That's why I only date
tall dudes, okay?
142
00:05:28,181 --> 00:05:30,015
They're confident,
so they don't need to cheat.
143
00:05:30,098 --> 00:05:31,807
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- What?
144
00:05:31,890 --> 00:05:33,181
- Have you never heard
of the NBA?
145
00:05:33,265 --> 00:05:34,599
- Thank you.
146
00:05:34,682 --> 00:05:36,515
- Okay, that's why
I like my men exactly 5'6".
147
00:05:36,599 --> 00:05:38,307
No more, no less.
[chuckles]
148
00:05:38,390 --> 00:05:39,599
- Mm-mm.
- What?
149
00:05:39,682 --> 00:05:42,640
This short queen stans
for her short, faithful kings.
150
00:05:42,724 --> 00:05:45,307
- Okay, you know what I like?
Big feet.
151
00:05:45,390 --> 00:05:46,724
- Ooh.
- [giggles]
152
00:05:46,807 --> 00:05:48,223
- Oh, no, no, no,
not for dick reasons.
153
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,973
I like to share shoes.
I wear a men's size 12.
154
00:05:51,056 --> 00:05:53,015
- Fascinating.
- You shouldn't tell, baby.
155
00:05:53,098 --> 00:05:54,682
- I prefer no feet!
156
00:05:54,765 --> 00:05:56,348
I don't want them
to be able to walk away.
157
00:05:56,432 --> 00:05:57,348
- [softly] Oh.
158
00:05:57,432 --> 00:05:59,348
- And I love a man
with big, thick arms.
159
00:05:59,432 --> 00:06:01,015
- Four of them
so he can two jobs.
160
00:06:01,098 --> 00:06:02,973
[laughter]
- Nice teeth, huh?
161
00:06:03,056 --> 00:06:04,849
- Oh, but with a gap.
- Ooh, a bald head.
162
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:07,432
- Oh, and big, hairy back.
- Ooh, girl.
163
00:06:07,515 --> 00:06:08,931
- I don't care.
Judge me.
164
00:06:09,015 --> 00:06:11,765
- I got it.
This is y'all's dream dude.
165
00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:14,348
[laughter]
166
00:06:14,432 --> 00:06:17,599
- Aww, don't laugh.
He look just like Kevin.
167
00:06:17,682 --> 00:06:19,015
- See, that's your problem.
- Yeah, what's up with you?
168
00:06:19,098 --> 00:06:21,515
- You got bad taste.
- I cut her off.
169
00:06:22,724 --> 00:06:24,515
[hip-hop music]
170
00:06:24,599 --> 00:06:27,181
- The Reefs have an exciting
year of gangbanging ahead of us.
171
00:06:27,265 --> 00:06:28,307
Blippity-blippity.
172
00:06:28,390 --> 00:06:30,098
all: Scat-scat-scat.
173
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:32,973
- But first,
let's murk these announcements.
174
00:06:33,056 --> 00:06:34,557
This year,
we're excited to announce
175
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,390
that you can now work from home
two days a week
176
00:06:36,473 --> 00:06:38,265
as part of our new
tele-bang policy.
177
00:06:38,348 --> 00:06:39,515
[excited chatter]
- Oh, oh.
178
00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:42,973
- And we're increasing
our paid parental leave
179
00:06:43,056 --> 00:06:45,473
from four months to six months.
180
00:06:45,557 --> 00:06:47,307
- Oh!
- Ah, shit.
181
00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:50,348
- Lowering my risk of postpartum
like a motherfucker.
182
00:06:50,432 --> 00:06:51,640
- And just to be clear,
183
00:06:51,724 --> 00:06:54,307
we're not calling it
"maternity leave" anymore,
184
00:06:54,390 --> 00:06:56,807
because we don't want to be
complicit in enforcing
185
00:06:56,890 --> 00:06:59,056
a cisnormative agenda,
blippity.
186
00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:00,599
all: Scat-scat-scat.
187
00:07:00,682 --> 00:07:05,181
- Now, we got a few
new members here today.
188
00:07:05,265 --> 00:07:07,181
So let's start off
with a little icebreaker.
189
00:07:07,265 --> 00:07:09,432
State your name,
where you're from,
190
00:07:09,515 --> 00:07:12,931
and one positive thing you hope
to get out of being in the gang.
191
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:14,931
Young blippity?
192
00:07:15,015 --> 00:07:16,348
You first.
193
00:07:16,432 --> 00:07:19,223
- Okay, um...
194
00:07:19,307 --> 00:07:22,056
Hi, everybody.
My name Jess.
195
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:25,765
Um, I'm originally
from Houston,
196
00:07:25,849 --> 00:07:27,307
but no, I don't know Beyoncé.
197
00:07:27,390 --> 00:07:29,348
[laughter]
198
00:07:29,432 --> 00:07:30,682
- You wild.
199
00:07:30,765 --> 00:07:32,348
You wild.
- Um...
200
00:07:32,432 --> 00:07:34,390
I'm just really happy
to be here.
201
00:07:34,473 --> 00:07:35,807
You know what I'm saying?
202
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:37,890
I think that's it.
203
00:07:37,973 --> 00:07:39,015
- Hold up!
204
00:07:39,098 --> 00:07:43,724
I asked you to include
a positive tidbit.
205
00:07:43,807 --> 00:07:45,557
- Oh, my bad, um,
206
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:47,015
I'm just really trying
to get back--
207
00:07:47,098 --> 00:07:50,973
- No, you were too busy
being a comedian.
208
00:07:51,056 --> 00:07:53,181
And since you don't want to
follow instructions,
209
00:07:53,265 --> 00:07:57,140
I'm assigning your mark ass to
the corner of 3rd and Bonaparte.
210
00:07:57,223 --> 00:07:59,682
- Aww.
- 3rd and Bonaparte?
211
00:07:59,765 --> 00:08:01,140
But that corner
stay in the shade.
212
00:08:01,223 --> 00:08:02,682
I'll be cold.
213
00:08:02,765 --> 00:08:04,931
- Pack a light jacket, buster.
214
00:08:05,015 --> 00:08:07,223
Don't let this 401(k) fool you.
215
00:08:07,307 --> 00:08:09,724
I'll still fuck you up.
[feet thumping]
216
00:08:09,807 --> 00:08:11,557
- Okay, bad, blippity.
217
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,973
- Now, please note
that after this meeting,
218
00:08:14,056 --> 00:08:17,015
We will be taking a tour
of Reef territory,
219
00:08:17,098 --> 00:08:19,640
including all
of our satellite corners.
220
00:08:19,724 --> 00:08:20,973
Shelly will be giving
assignments
221
00:08:21,056 --> 00:08:22,348
to all of our new members,
222
00:08:22,432 --> 00:08:25,432
while Wanda "Yikes" over here
223
00:08:25,515 --> 00:08:28,807
will keep her same
breezy-ass corner.
224
00:08:28,890 --> 00:08:31,056
All right, who next?
225
00:08:31,140 --> 00:08:34,473
State your name
and your goals for trappin'.
226
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,098
- Shanedra.
227
00:08:38,181 --> 00:08:39,307
[birds chirping]
228
00:08:39,390 --> 00:08:42,515
[tense music]
229
00:08:42,599 --> 00:08:44,890
♪ ♪
230
00:08:44,973 --> 00:08:46,931
- Why you sitting there
looking all blippity stupid?
231
00:08:47,015 --> 00:08:48,849
- You asked me my name.
Shanedra.
232
00:08:48,931 --> 00:08:51,098
- I also asked for your goals.
233
00:08:51,181 --> 00:08:53,140
- Oh.
To bang.
234
00:08:53,223 --> 00:08:54,724
- Okay, you too cool?
235
00:08:54,807 --> 00:08:57,765
You can't introduce yourself
with enthusiasm?
236
00:08:57,849 --> 00:08:59,724
You been a Reef for,
what, five minutes?
237
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:02,599
You already trying to stunt?
238
00:09:02,682 --> 00:09:04,682
You didn't even finish
your start paperwork, homey.
239
00:09:04,765 --> 00:09:06,015
You think you hard?
240
00:09:06,098 --> 00:09:09,432
Finish an I-9 without looking
at your driver's license, nigga.
241
00:09:09,515 --> 00:09:12,348
That's hard, nigga!
242
00:09:14,432 --> 00:09:17,056
What?
Oh.
243
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:20,849
Okay. Okay.
244
00:09:22,473 --> 00:09:24,682
Why don't you take
your tough ass
245
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,473
and wash our delicates?
246
00:09:26,557 --> 00:09:29,890
[soft indistinct chatter]
247
00:09:29,973 --> 00:09:31,307
- [scoffs]
248
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,223
- [whining]
That's nasty, though!
249
00:09:35,307 --> 00:09:37,307
- Yeah, be sure
to use an unscented,
250
00:09:37,390 --> 00:09:39,724
toxin-free detergent.
251
00:09:39,807 --> 00:09:41,765
Nigga got eczema.
252
00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:43,973
[sighs]
Next.
253
00:09:45,265 --> 00:09:47,181
- Oh, is it my turn?
Tee-hee-hee.
254
00:09:47,265 --> 00:09:48,724
- What the fuck do you mean,
"Is it my turn,
255
00:09:48,807 --> 00:09:50,682
tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee,"
huh?
256
00:09:50,765 --> 00:09:52,599
What part of "next"
don't you understand?
257
00:09:52,682 --> 00:09:55,307
Some--mm,
somebody about to get fired,
258
00:09:55,390 --> 00:09:57,181
and I mean fired-fired.
259
00:09:57,265 --> 00:09:59,181
[overlapping shouting]
- Don't kill her!
260
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,765
- No!
- Don't kill her!
261
00:10:00,849 --> 00:10:02,223
- Kill her?
262
00:10:02,307 --> 00:10:04,473
The only thing about to die
is her career.
263
00:10:04,557 --> 00:10:06,931
Yeah, take your gun,
264
00:10:07,015 --> 00:10:09,849
the motivational posters,
265
00:10:09,931 --> 00:10:12,599
and don't even think about
a severance package!
266
00:10:12,682 --> 00:10:14,307
- [sighs]
267
00:10:17,890 --> 00:10:19,765
- [groans]
268
00:10:19,849 --> 00:10:21,807
- Oh.
269
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:35,098
[garage door whirring]
270
00:10:45,098 --> 00:10:46,599
- Monster.com.
271
00:10:46,682 --> 00:10:48,973
Where even mark-ass busters
get hired.
272
00:10:49,056 --> 00:10:51,015
And we mean
hired hired.
273
00:10:52,432 --> 00:10:53,807
choir: ♪ Jesus ♪
274
00:10:53,890 --> 00:10:56,557
♪ Take me
to the higher ground ♪
275
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,056
- In Jesus' name, amen.
276
00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:00,557
all: Amen.
277
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:02,724
- Now, before I rebaptize
278
00:11:02,807 --> 00:11:05,223
everybody I caught out
in the club last night,
279
00:11:05,307 --> 00:11:08,807
does anybody have a prayer
request or testimonial?
280
00:11:08,890 --> 00:11:13,181
Please feel free to bring it
forward in Jesus' name.
281
00:11:13,265 --> 00:11:15,056
Uh, Sister Keisha?
282
00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:17,931
[soulful organ music playing]
All right.
283
00:11:18,015 --> 00:11:19,682
- Praising Father God,
who is the head of my life.
284
00:11:19,765 --> 00:11:21,056
all: Amen.
285
00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:22,931
- Now,
I'm asking the congregation
286
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:25,724
to pray for me
and my stand-up comedy career
287
00:11:25,807 --> 00:11:28,682
'cause it is a challenge
to find open mic time.
288
00:11:28,765 --> 00:11:30,265
Hey, speaking of challenges...
[organ cuts off]
289
00:11:30,348 --> 00:11:33,348
You ever be on a airplane and
they serve you some wack food?
290
00:11:33,432 --> 00:11:35,724
[laughs] What's that like?
You rich.
291
00:11:35,807 --> 00:11:37,682
Shit, I only fly "Southworst."
- Wha--ooh.
292
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:38,724
- [laughing]
You know what I'm saying?
293
00:11:38,807 --> 00:11:40,765
Okay, what else?
What else?
294
00:11:40,849 --> 00:11:42,432
Let me think.
Look at Pastor.
295
00:11:42,515 --> 00:11:44,223
Preachers be preaching!
296
00:11:44,307 --> 00:11:46,348
Black people pray like this.
[softly] "Oh, Father God."
297
00:11:46,432 --> 00:11:47,557
- Well, white people
pray like this.
298
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,931
[loudly exclaiming]
299
00:11:49,015 --> 00:11:50,140
[laughter]
300
00:11:50,223 --> 00:11:52,098
Hey, you ever had a nigga
put you in the friend zone?
301
00:11:52,181 --> 00:11:53,181
- Well, what a friend
we have in Jesus.
302
00:11:53,265 --> 00:11:54,640
- The friend zone!
303
00:11:54,724 --> 00:11:57,724
- And His zone is in heaven.
- But I was killing it.
304
00:11:57,807 --> 00:11:59,015
- Well, you were killing,
all right.
305
00:11:59,098 --> 00:12:00,473
You was dead on arrival.
306
00:12:00,557 --> 00:12:04,390
Now, does anybody have
an actual prayer request?
307
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:06,515
Please come forward.
Come on, sister.
308
00:12:06,599 --> 00:12:08,140
all: Yeah.
- Amen.
309
00:12:08,223 --> 00:12:09,390
[soulful organ music plays]
- [sighs]
310
00:12:09,473 --> 00:12:11,265
Morning, saints.
- Morning.
311
00:12:11,348 --> 00:12:12,515
- I have a testimony.
312
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,098
You can take my résumé out
313
00:12:14,181 --> 00:12:17,181
of the church bulletin because
314
00:12:17,265 --> 00:12:19,973
I just got a new job
in market research.
315
00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:21,682
Hey!
316
00:12:21,765 --> 00:12:24,432
[excited chatter]
Amen!
317
00:12:24,515 --> 00:12:26,557
Won't He do it.
318
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,724
But I still need prayer.
Mm-hmm.
319
00:12:28,807 --> 00:12:33,140
I'd like to ask
our Heavenly Father...
320
00:12:33,223 --> 00:12:34,557
how many of y'all drink Sprite?
321
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:36,056
[organ cuts off]
Ooh, Lord.
322
00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:37,807
Mm, mm, mm.
323
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:39,807
Praise the Lord.
324
00:12:39,890 --> 00:12:42,807
And with those of you
who did not raise your hand,
325
00:12:42,890 --> 00:12:44,473
would you be more willing
to drink Sprite
326
00:12:44,557 --> 00:12:46,098
if you saw it drunk
in a commercial
327
00:12:46,181 --> 00:12:50,181
by the likes
of Ms. Angela Bassett?
328
00:12:50,265 --> 00:12:51,765
Ooh, okay.
329
00:12:51,849 --> 00:12:54,098
Thank you for your pray--oh.
330
00:12:54,181 --> 00:12:55,348
Amen.
[laughs]
331
00:12:55,432 --> 00:12:57,307
- Amen.
- [laughs] Hallelujah!
332
00:12:57,390 --> 00:12:59,890
[overlapping chatter]
- Praise God.
333
00:12:59,973 --> 00:13:01,724
- [laughs softly]
[mic squeaks]
334
00:13:01,807 --> 00:13:04,015
Thank you, Pastor.
Thank you.
335
00:13:04,098 --> 00:13:05,682
Church,
I want to ask you to please
336
00:13:05,765 --> 00:13:06,973
pray for my daughter Kiley.
337
00:13:07,056 --> 00:13:08,765
- Yes.
Take your time.
338
00:13:08,849 --> 00:13:10,807
- She needs a man!
339
00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:12,432
Anybody here today
340
00:13:12,515 --> 00:13:15,098
that is single
and has good credit,
341
00:13:15,181 --> 00:13:18,223
raise your hand
and shout unto the heavens!
342
00:13:18,307 --> 00:13:20,181
Hallelujah!
[exclaims]
343
00:13:20,265 --> 00:13:22,765
[laughs]
Yes, Lord.
344
00:13:22,849 --> 00:13:25,682
I'm looking at you,
local Denzel--
345
00:13:25,765 --> 00:13:27,724
all tall, dark, and fine,
346
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,640
sitting there in the third row.
347
00:13:29,724 --> 00:13:31,432
Yeah, I see you.
[chuckles]
348
00:13:31,515 --> 00:13:33,473
Find your way to my baby's DM.
349
00:13:33,557 --> 00:13:35,307
Her Twitter is--
- Oh, okay, all right.
350
00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:37,265
- And Facebook her, okay?
Fa--no.
351
00:13:37,348 --> 00:13:38,557
Like her on the 'gram.
- All right, all right.
352
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,015
- Like her pictures
on the 'gram, baby.
353
00:13:40,098 --> 00:13:41,223
- [grunting]
All right.
354
00:13:41,307 --> 00:13:42,432
[laughing]
Now,
355
00:13:42,515 --> 00:13:44,682
let's let anything
that's breathing
356
00:13:44,765 --> 00:13:46,265
please stay on topic,
357
00:13:46,348 --> 00:13:49,682
and if we have any of God's
obedient creatures in the house,
358
00:13:49,765 --> 00:13:52,098
let them come forward.
359
00:13:52,181 --> 00:13:54,432
[organ cuts off]
Oh, Lord.
360
00:13:54,515 --> 00:13:55,849
- Lord, please.
361
00:13:55,931 --> 00:13:58,348
Help my daughter to sell
these damn Girl Scout cookies
362
00:13:58,432 --> 00:13:59,973
so she can go on
this camping trip.
363
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:01,682
For the Lord said unto them,
364
00:14:01,765 --> 00:14:04,223
"Come get these Thin Mints."
Amen.
365
00:14:04,307 --> 00:14:06,473
- Church,
I need y'all to pray,
366
00:14:06,557 --> 00:14:08,931
follow, and turn on
your post notifications
367
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:12,807
for my popular Instagram page,
@TheBlackGirlTraveler.
368
00:14:12,890 --> 00:14:14,599
And using my offer code,
369
00:14:14,682 --> 00:14:16,807
you can pray for 20% off
370
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:19,473
at the Palm Springs
Resort and Spa.
371
00:14:19,557 --> 00:14:21,432
- All right,
this altar is not here
372
00:14:21,515 --> 00:14:23,307
for no spon-con, amen.
373
00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:25,265
It's not here for no comedy,
hallelujah.
374
00:14:25,348 --> 00:14:28,973
It's not here for
no Thin Mints and Trefoils.
375
00:14:29,056 --> 00:14:30,390
Can I get a witness?
- Yeah!
376
00:14:30,473 --> 00:14:31,432
[bright organ chord]
377
00:14:31,515 --> 00:14:33,807
- Does anybody up in here
need a prayer?
378
00:14:33,890 --> 00:14:35,307
[indistinct whispering]
379
00:14:35,390 --> 00:14:36,973
Come on.
380
00:14:38,890 --> 00:14:40,765
- My name James,
and I need a prayer.
381
00:14:40,849 --> 00:14:42,056
- Well, you go ahead on, son.
382
00:14:42,140 --> 00:14:43,724
- All right.
- Wow.
383
00:14:43,807 --> 00:14:45,807
Here I am in church,
384
00:14:45,890 --> 00:14:47,682
making a prayer request
to y'all.
385
00:14:47,765 --> 00:14:50,181
Very memorable.
386
00:14:50,265 --> 00:14:52,724
Matter of fact,
if somebody were to ask you,
387
00:14:52,807 --> 00:14:55,931
"Where was James Arthur Kelly
at 2:45,
388
00:14:56,015 --> 00:14:58,849
July 25th, Sunday afternoon?"
389
00:14:58,931 --> 00:15:00,931
You'd be able to say, "Officer,
390
00:15:01,015 --> 00:15:03,348
"he was in church all morning
391
00:15:03,432 --> 00:15:06,056
and certainly not anywhere
near 1st Street."
392
00:15:07,265 --> 00:15:08,682
[congregation gasps]
393
00:15:08,765 --> 00:15:10,973
- Uh, can somebody
call the police?
394
00:15:11,056 --> 00:15:12,599
[woman gasps]
395
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:14,807
choir: ♪ Jesus ♪
396
00:15:14,890 --> 00:15:17,181
♪ Take me
to the higher ground ♪
397
00:15:18,015 --> 00:15:19,140
[upbeat music]
398
00:15:19,223 --> 00:15:21,140
- Ugh, so I was on a first date
399
00:15:21,223 --> 00:15:22,473
with this dude,
and he asked that, you know,
400
00:15:22,557 --> 00:15:24,682
corny line that dudes
love to ask.
401
00:15:24,765 --> 00:15:26,849
"Why's a girl like you..."
both: "Still single?"
402
00:15:26,931 --> 00:15:28,140
- Oh, my God.
- Mm.
403
00:15:28,223 --> 00:15:30,348
- So I said,
"Why are you still single?"
404
00:15:30,432 --> 00:15:32,682
This nigga said, "I'm not.
I'm married."
405
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:33,931
[women gasp]
Yes.
406
00:15:34,015 --> 00:15:36,098
Turns out married dudes
love to hit on fat chicks.
407
00:15:36,181 --> 00:15:37,265
- I heard that.
- Damn.
408
00:15:37,348 --> 00:15:38,724
- Yeah, I told it to you.
- You did tell me.
409
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:41,056
- But I have a thing
for mature men.
410
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:42,599
- Okay.
- I could be into this.
411
00:15:42,682 --> 00:15:43,973
- One time,
I went out with a man.
412
00:15:44,056 --> 00:15:46,056
- Yeah.
- He was 30 years older than me.
413
00:15:46,140 --> 00:15:47,599
- 30 years?
- That's old.
414
00:15:47,682 --> 00:15:48,640
- On our first date,
415
00:15:48,724 --> 00:15:50,557
he told me how he integrated
his high school.
416
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,432
- [laughs]
- Ew!
417
00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:55,557
- Come on, it was really
actually informative.
418
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,348
- Okay, I am all down
for civil rights,
419
00:15:57,432 --> 00:15:59,931
but that is too "muh-tour"
for me, okay?
420
00:16:00,015 --> 00:16:01,307
Although I do like
to learn something,
421
00:16:01,390 --> 00:16:03,015
'cause most of the men
I date are dumb.
422
00:16:03,098 --> 00:16:04,348
- Yeah, we've met them.
423
00:16:04,432 --> 00:16:07,015
- One time, I went out with this
fine personal trainer, right?
424
00:16:07,098 --> 00:16:08,557
So we sat down to eat,
425
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,307
and he was like, "Oh,
it's so sad what happened--
426
00:16:11,390 --> 00:16:14,765
"all them people died in that
'toot-sami' in Indonesia.
427
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:16,931
Like, that 'toot-sami'
was such a disaster."
428
00:16:17,015 --> 00:16:18,724
- I'm sorry, "toot-sami"?
- Yeah.
429
00:16:18,807 --> 00:16:22,181
So I was like, "Hey.
I don't want to correct you,
430
00:16:22,265 --> 00:16:24,223
but it's pronounced
'tsunami.'"
431
00:16:24,307 --> 00:16:25,348
- Girl, what he say?
- Girl, so he took--
432
00:16:25,432 --> 00:16:26,599
let me see your hand.
433
00:16:26,682 --> 00:16:29,056
He took my hand, put his hand
over mine and was like,
434
00:16:29,140 --> 00:16:31,015
"Oh, no.
There's a T."
435
00:16:31,098 --> 00:16:32,348
- [laughs]
- Uh-uh.
436
00:16:32,432 --> 00:16:34,515
- So dumb.
- Look, home training.
437
00:16:34,599 --> 00:16:37,223
I like my niggas home-trained.
- Please.
438
00:16:37,307 --> 00:16:39,056
Yes, yes.
- Okay?
439
00:16:39,140 --> 00:16:40,348
- Yeah, hit that.
- Trust, girl.
440
00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:41,765
- Look,
I went out with this guy,
441
00:16:41,849 --> 00:16:43,390
and I was doing
a low-carb thing at the time.
442
00:16:43,473 --> 00:16:44,599
- Mm-hmm.
443
00:16:44,682 --> 00:16:46,931
- But my salmon came with
mashed potatoes and spinach.
444
00:16:47,015 --> 00:16:48,181
But instead of mashed potatoes,
445
00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:49,849
I was gonna get
another vegetable.
446
00:16:49,931 --> 00:16:51,348
- Right.
- I was going to.
447
00:16:51,432 --> 00:16:54,724
But when the waiter starts
going over my vegetable options,
448
00:16:54,807 --> 00:16:58,223
this dude goes, "Actually,
I'll take her mashed potatoes."
449
00:16:58,307 --> 00:16:59,724
- No!
- What?
450
00:16:59,807 --> 00:17:02,223
- Mind you, his meal came
with mashed potatoes too.
451
00:17:02,307 --> 00:17:04,557
- No.
- So he had his mashed potatoes.
452
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,307
- And your mashed potatoes.
- And my mashed potatoes.
453
00:17:06,390 --> 00:17:07,515
- Greedy motherfucker.
454
00:17:07,599 --> 00:17:09,098
- And then in the middle
of the meal,
455
00:17:09,181 --> 00:17:10,307
he asked for a to-go box.
456
00:17:10,390 --> 00:17:11,473
- Uh-uh.
457
00:17:11,557 --> 00:17:13,473
- And proceeds to box up
my mashed potatoes.
458
00:17:13,557 --> 00:17:15,015
- In the middle of the meal?
- Oh, no!
459
00:17:15,098 --> 00:17:16,098
- And...
- What?
460
00:17:16,181 --> 00:17:17,724
- We split the check.
[all scream]
461
00:17:17,807 --> 00:17:19,098
- Who raised him?
- No!
462
00:17:19,181 --> 00:17:20,515
- That's where you messed up.
463
00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:22,140
- You let him hit, though?
464
00:17:22,223 --> 00:17:23,931
- Yeah, I mean, what that got
to do with what I just said?
465
00:17:24,015 --> 00:17:24,931
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
466
00:17:25,015 --> 00:17:26,599
[laughter]
467
00:17:26,682 --> 00:17:29,140
- Kwame was my wingman
at the Senior Step Show,
468
00:17:29,223 --> 00:17:31,056
but he stepped off
with Hannah's heart.
469
00:17:31,140 --> 00:17:33,765
In another life,
this could've been my wedding.
470
00:17:33,849 --> 00:17:34,765
[laughter]
471
00:17:34,849 --> 00:17:37,265
Ha-ha, it's--it's funny.
472
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:39,640
I'm fine.
To Hannah and Kwame.
473
00:17:39,724 --> 00:17:40,849
[all cheer]
474
00:17:40,931 --> 00:17:42,390
[glasses clink]
475
00:17:42,473 --> 00:17:43,390
- Come on, Brian.
476
00:17:43,473 --> 00:17:44,807
You knew you never
had a chance with me.
477
00:17:44,890 --> 00:17:47,140
[chuckles]
All right.
478
00:17:47,223 --> 00:17:50,015
It's time for a toast
from the maid of honor,
479
00:17:50,098 --> 00:17:52,223
my sister, Hailey.
[mic squeaks]
480
00:17:52,307 --> 00:17:54,557
[applause]
481
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,056
- Peace, brothers and sisters.
482
00:17:57,140 --> 00:17:58,973
You know, I'm emancipated
from that slave name.
483
00:17:59,056 --> 00:18:00,890
I've told you many times
via group text.
484
00:18:00,973 --> 00:18:05,223
Address me as Dr. Haddassah
Olayinka Ali-Youngman.
485
00:18:05,307 --> 00:18:08,432
- You can't just put "Dr."
in front of your name, Hailey.
486
00:18:08,515 --> 00:18:10,098
Only Oprah can do that for you.
487
00:18:10,181 --> 00:18:12,015
- Congrats to the newlyweds,
488
00:18:12,098 --> 00:18:15,181
Kwame and my beloved
baby sister,
489
00:18:15,265 --> 00:18:18,015
who still embraces
her devil name, Hannah.
490
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:21,973
See, see, Hannah reduces
to "Ha" and "Nah"--
491
00:18:22,056 --> 00:18:24,390
"Ha" being the laughter
of our oppressors,
492
00:18:24,473 --> 00:18:26,724
and "Nah," she shouldn't
be using that name.
493
00:18:26,807 --> 00:18:27,849
- Oh, Lord.
494
00:18:27,931 --> 00:18:29,765
It's gonna be Aunt Maybelle's
funeral all over again.
495
00:18:29,849 --> 00:18:32,390
- That's why I choose to
exalt her with her Igbo name,
496
00:18:32,473 --> 00:18:34,599
Nkechi Amare Diallo.
497
00:18:34,682 --> 00:18:35,724
- What?
498
00:18:35,807 --> 00:18:38,557
That's Rachel Dolezal's
counterfeit African name.
499
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:39,890
- No, no, no, no.
500
00:18:39,973 --> 00:18:42,223
See, see, see,
we are reclaiming that name
501
00:18:42,307 --> 00:18:44,807
back from
the edgeless white woman
502
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:46,807
who pretended
to be a black woman
503
00:18:46,890 --> 00:18:48,807
just to get that name from us.
504
00:18:48,890 --> 00:18:49,890
They always plotting.
505
00:18:49,973 --> 00:18:51,807
- See?
I told you she was crazy.
506
00:18:51,890 --> 00:18:54,265
- You didn't tell me
she was deep.
507
00:18:54,348 --> 00:18:56,640
- See, see, this blood diamond
on your finger
508
00:18:56,724 --> 00:18:59,307
is just a symbol
of your ideological entrapment.
509
00:18:59,390 --> 00:19:01,390
Ring, ring.
Slavery's calling.
510
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,473
- You promised
you wouldn't do this.
511
00:19:03,557 --> 00:19:04,890
And that doesn't make
any sense.
512
00:19:04,973 --> 00:19:06,931
- No, what doesn't make sense
is y'all jumping the broom.
513
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:09,432
- Hailey!
Now is not the time.
514
00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:11,390
- Well, how many
Caucasian seconds must pass
515
00:19:11,473 --> 00:19:13,432
before it's time for me
to speak the truth?
516
00:19:13,515 --> 00:19:15,849
Open your ears to blow
your mind, original people.
517
00:19:15,931 --> 00:19:16,973
Jumping the broom
was not something
518
00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:19,265
our continental ancestors did,
no.
519
00:19:19,348 --> 00:19:21,015
There weren't even brooms
in Africa
520
00:19:21,098 --> 00:19:22,432
because there was no dirt.
521
00:19:22,515 --> 00:19:23,807
See, see, see, see, see,
522
00:19:23,890 --> 00:19:25,557
the Europeans just put sticks
in our hands,
523
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,307
even though they had been using
vacuum cleaners
524
00:19:27,390 --> 00:19:28,307
since the Middle Ages.
525
00:19:28,390 --> 00:19:29,307
Think about it.
526
00:19:29,390 --> 00:19:32,973
Dyson breaks down
to "die, son."
527
00:19:33,056 --> 00:19:34,265
They want us
to kill our children.
528
00:19:34,348 --> 00:19:36,265
[guests groan]
They tried to humiliate us!
529
00:19:36,348 --> 00:19:37,515
- I'm humiliated.
530
00:19:37,599 --> 00:19:38,849
- The truth is...
531
00:19:38,931 --> 00:19:40,181
[tender piano music]
532
00:19:40,265 --> 00:19:41,682
You two have
a beautiful black love
533
00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:44,056
that most people
would be elated to find.
534
00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:46,515
- Whoo! Praise him.
535
00:19:46,599 --> 00:19:49,265
- Although what me and my king
Supreme Rahmeek have
536
00:19:49,348 --> 00:19:51,682
transcends your
earthly definition of love.
537
00:19:51,765 --> 00:19:53,931
[chuckles] Yeah, see,
we exchanged our vows
538
00:19:54,015 --> 00:19:57,056
on the ancestral plane
amongst Vibranium,
539
00:19:57,140 --> 00:19:59,223
not down here
on your earthly plane.
540
00:19:59,307 --> 00:20:02,765
Also, he refuses to marry me
on this plane for tax reasons.
541
00:20:02,849 --> 00:20:04,181
- Oh, shit.
Do taxes work like that?
542
00:20:04,265 --> 00:20:05,223
- Mm-hmm.
543
00:20:05,307 --> 00:20:08,599
- So technically,
on this plane, she's single.
544
00:20:08,682 --> 00:20:10,557
- But in your ignorance,
dear brother-in-law,
545
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,265
I find a beautiful opportunity
546
00:20:12,348 --> 00:20:14,348
to educate the newest member
of our family.
547
00:20:14,432 --> 00:20:15,682
So please, everyone,
548
00:20:15,765 --> 00:20:18,015
raise your glasses,
take off your shoes,
549
00:20:18,098 --> 00:20:19,682
and throw your pork
on the floor.
550
00:20:19,765 --> 00:20:21,056
[wet thud]
551
00:20:21,931 --> 00:20:23,181
- That's it!
552
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:26,849
Girl, if you don't sit your
5% ass 100% of the way down,
553
00:20:26,931 --> 00:20:29,265
I'm cutting off
your inheritance, Hailey.
554
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,056
- Okay, Daddy.
555
00:20:35,599 --> 00:20:37,056
[mic squeals]
556
00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:39,348
- So does Supreme Rahmeek
let you have friends?
557
00:20:39,432 --> 00:20:41,098
- Yeah, he do.
558
00:20:42,599 --> 00:20:44,098
[upbeat music]
559
00:20:44,181 --> 00:20:46,098
[indistinct chatter]
- No, we're not even...
560
00:20:46,181 --> 00:20:47,432
Who's gonna make cheese, you?
561
00:20:47,515 --> 00:20:49,015
- Yeah, I'll do it.
Hell, yeah.
562
00:20:49,098 --> 00:20:51,265
[glass clinks]
- Oh, no.
563
00:20:51,348 --> 00:20:52,765
No.
That's it.
564
00:20:52,849 --> 00:20:54,807
If we survived,
565
00:20:54,890 --> 00:20:58,307
then surely at least
one man survived.
566
00:20:58,390 --> 00:21:00,140
So I'm gonna find him
567
00:21:00,223 --> 00:21:02,348
and I'm gonna call him Kevin.
568
00:21:02,432 --> 00:21:04,432
[grunts]
569
00:21:04,515 --> 00:21:06,348
- Okay, guys...
- [laughs] Kevin!
570
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,098
- She bought us Beyoncé tickets
571
00:21:08,181 --> 00:21:10,015
back when we couldn't afford
actual lemonade.
572
00:21:10,098 --> 00:21:11,265
We can't just let her go.
573
00:21:11,348 --> 00:21:12,473
[door opens]
- Yes, we can.
574
00:21:14,515 --> 00:21:16,265
[muffled crash]
- Whoo! Ow.
575
00:21:16,348 --> 00:21:18,181
[door clicks]
- She just went in the closet.
576
00:21:18,265 --> 00:21:19,432
- [laughs]
577
00:21:19,515 --> 00:21:20,724
- Okay.
[laughs]
578
00:21:21,973 --> 00:21:24,432
- ♪ There's no place
like home ♪
579
00:21:24,515 --> 00:21:25,931
[musical flourish]
580
00:21:26,015 --> 00:21:27,931
I mean, no place, child.
581
00:21:28,015 --> 00:21:31,181
[studio audience cheering]
582
00:21:31,265 --> 00:21:32,599
- Mm.
583
00:21:32,682 --> 00:21:36,849
I can't believe we owe 35 years
of back taxes on this place
584
00:21:36,931 --> 00:21:38,307
since we bought the building.
585
00:21:38,390 --> 00:21:39,973
- Oh, is it that bad, Mary?
586
00:21:40,056 --> 00:21:41,557
I kept watching
the bills pile up,
587
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:42,931
but I didn't think
they were serious.
588
00:21:43,015 --> 00:21:43,973
- [scoffs]
589
00:21:44,056 --> 00:21:46,557
Well, of course
they're serious, Rose.
590
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,307
Shoot, if I wanted
to give my money away
591
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:49,640
with nothing to show for it,
592
00:21:49,724 --> 00:21:54,056
I'd just donate to Calvin's
fake basketball team.
593
00:21:54,140 --> 00:21:56,390
- Calvin's team not fake.
594
00:21:56,473 --> 00:21:59,056
They just awful.
595
00:21:59,140 --> 00:22:00,931
- Sorry, Pearl.
596
00:22:01,015 --> 00:22:02,849
At least we have each other.
597
00:22:02,931 --> 00:22:04,348
I shouldn't even be
complaining.
598
00:22:04,432 --> 00:22:07,348
- But it's what you do best.
599
00:22:07,432 --> 00:22:11,098
That's why I never worked.
Not a day in my life.
600
00:22:11,181 --> 00:22:13,473
No job, no taxes.
601
00:22:13,557 --> 00:22:15,140
[audience laughs]
602
00:22:15,223 --> 00:22:16,765
- It's my fault, Mary,
603
00:22:16,849 --> 00:22:18,473
but if anyone can fix it,
it's you.
604
00:22:18,557 --> 00:22:20,473
- Yeah, I'll figure it out.
605
00:22:20,557 --> 00:22:22,807
I've seen ugly times before.
606
00:22:22,890 --> 00:22:26,640
- Yeah, but what's your face
got to do with your finances?
607
00:22:28,807 --> 00:22:32,265
[cheers and applause]
608
00:22:32,348 --> 00:22:34,849
- Morning, Pearl.
Morning, Rose.
609
00:22:34,931 --> 00:22:36,557
[drawn out]
Mary.
610
00:22:38,599 --> 00:22:40,640
Oh, why the long face, Mary?
611
00:22:40,724 --> 00:22:44,056
You just find out
Luther Vandross died?
612
00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:45,557
- No.
613
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:48,973
If you must know,
we could lose 227.
614
00:22:49,056 --> 00:22:50,599
We're in deep tax trouble.
615
00:22:50,682 --> 00:22:52,682
- Ooh, that happened to me once.
616
00:22:52,765 --> 00:22:54,682
I was dating
this shady accountant.
617
00:22:54,765 --> 00:22:56,682
He was a nerdy man,
but he had a big ledger,
618
00:22:56,765 --> 00:22:58,265
if you know what I'm saying.
619
00:22:58,348 --> 00:23:01,015
- Everyone knows what
you're saying, Sandra.
620
00:23:01,098 --> 00:23:03,515
She's talking about
his actual ledger, right?
621
00:23:03,599 --> 00:23:05,223
[audience laughs]
622
00:23:05,307 --> 00:23:06,348
- So anyway,
623
00:23:06,432 --> 00:23:08,557
we were about to do the nasty
one day, right,
624
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,807
and a couple of goons
show up to his house.
625
00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:13,056
And they're like,
"Pay us what you owe, Cletus."
626
00:23:13,140 --> 00:23:15,682
And I'm like, "Don't hurt me!
I'm an innocent bystander!"
627
00:23:15,765 --> 00:23:18,390
But obviously,
I wasn't standing, eoww!
628
00:23:19,765 --> 00:23:21,724
- Does this story have a point?
629
00:23:21,807 --> 00:23:25,181
'Cause I'd love to stab
my eye out with it.
630
00:23:25,265 --> 00:23:27,140
- The point is,
631
00:23:27,223 --> 00:23:29,849
Cletus just sold his kidney and
got those guys off his back.
632
00:23:29,931 --> 00:23:32,056
And you'll be okay too, Mary..
633
00:23:32,140 --> 00:23:33,890
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
634
00:23:33,973 --> 00:23:35,640
Now somebody call me a Lyft.
635
00:23:35,724 --> 00:23:36,973
I've had too many
backseat hookups
636
00:23:37,056 --> 00:23:38,973
that I have a bad rating.
Oh.
637
00:23:40,807 --> 00:23:42,140
[cheers and applause]
638
00:23:42,223 --> 00:23:43,432
- See you tonight, honey.
639
00:23:43,515 --> 00:23:45,223
- Oh, Lester.
640
00:23:45,307 --> 00:23:46,348
I need to talk to you.
641
00:23:46,432 --> 00:23:47,390
- Not now, Mary.
I'm late for work.
642
00:23:47,473 --> 00:23:49,640
- No, it's important.
- What is it, baby?
643
00:23:49,724 --> 00:23:50,807
- I need money.
644
00:23:50,890 --> 00:23:53,348
Well, we need money--
lots of it.
645
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:54,682
- That's it.
646
00:23:54,765 --> 00:23:57,265
Reel him in real slow-like.
647
00:23:57,348 --> 00:23:59,140
- Mary,
I don't have time for this.
648
00:23:59,223 --> 00:24:02,223
- Lester Jenkins, I'm tired
of you blowing me off.
649
00:24:02,307 --> 00:24:04,098
We barely speak anymore.
650
00:24:04,181 --> 00:24:05,807
Now, I really need
to talk to you,
651
00:24:05,890 --> 00:24:08,890
and you're not gonna
ignore me one more minute.
652
00:24:08,973 --> 00:24:10,765
[audience oohs]
653
00:24:10,849 --> 00:24:12,890
- I can't do this.
654
00:24:12,973 --> 00:24:15,307
Mary, there is something
you need to know.
655
00:24:15,390 --> 00:24:17,348
I'm leaving you for Sandra.
656
00:24:17,432 --> 00:24:18,973
- What?
- What?
657
00:24:19,056 --> 00:24:21,432
- Ooh.
Calvin, come see this.
658
00:24:23,515 --> 00:24:25,931
- I'm sorry, Mary.
659
00:24:26,015 --> 00:24:28,098
- Sorry, Mary.
660
00:24:28,181 --> 00:24:29,599
- What is happening?
661
00:24:29,682 --> 00:24:30,890
- This.
662
00:24:32,265 --> 00:24:34,931
- [screaming]
663
00:24:35,015 --> 00:24:36,432
- [screams]
664
00:24:36,515 --> 00:24:38,181
[crickets chirping]
665
00:24:38,265 --> 00:24:41,098
- Oh, thank God
it was only a dream.
666
00:24:41,181 --> 00:24:42,557
Mary.
Mary, wake up.
667
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,390
You won't believe
the nightmare I just ha--
668
00:24:44,473 --> 00:24:46,557
[both scream]
669
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,056
- [screams]
670
00:24:48,140 --> 00:24:50,223
Oh.
Jesus Lord.
671
00:24:50,307 --> 00:24:52,807
It was just a dream.
Oh.
672
00:24:52,890 --> 00:24:56,223
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,
wake up.
673
00:24:56,307 --> 00:24:59,056
[both scream]
674
00:24:59,140 --> 00:25:00,890
- [screams]
675
00:25:00,973 --> 00:25:01,973
Oh.
676
00:25:02,056 --> 00:25:03,973
[breathing shakily]
677
00:25:06,098 --> 00:25:09,765
Oh, thank goodness
it was a dream.
678
00:25:09,849 --> 00:25:11,849
Well,
679
00:25:11,931 --> 00:25:14,056
I guess I better
stop drinking before bed.
680
00:25:14,140 --> 00:25:15,724
I mean, no place, child.
681
00:26:17,223 --> 00:26:19,432
Oh, Lester,
I need to talk to you.
682
00:26:19,515 --> 00:26:20,890
- Not now, Mary.
I'm late for work.
683
00:26:20,973 --> 00:26:22,223
[crate clattering]
Mary.
684
00:26:22,307 --> 00:26:23,265
- And so does my stool.
685
00:26:23,348 --> 00:26:24,849
- Mary, put your stuff
back up there.
686
00:26:24,931 --> 00:26:25,849
God.
687
00:26:25,931 --> 00:26:27,515
- I mean fired-fired.
688
00:26:27,599 --> 00:26:29,098
[overlapping shouting]
- Oh, no!
689
00:26:29,181 --> 00:26:31,307
Don't--don't--
come on, now.
690
00:26:31,390 --> 00:26:33,140
- Kill her?
[scoffs]
691
00:26:33,223 --> 00:26:34,473
- [laughing]
692
00:26:34,557 --> 00:26:36,765
- Fuck, I need to yell before
you can end on "kill," right?
693
00:26:36,849 --> 00:26:39,307
Queen India.Arie said it best.
694
00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:41,223
There is no substitute
for the truth.
695
00:26:41,307 --> 00:26:43,265
Either it is,
or it isn't.
696
00:26:43,348 --> 00:26:45,640
Sometimes I shave my legs.
Sometimes I don't.
697
00:26:49,140 --> 00:26:50,056
[chuckles]
698
00:26:50,140 --> 00:26:51,348
[laughter]
699
00:26:53,849 --> 00:26:56,724
- Pearl, what'd I say
about leaving the window open?
700
00:26:56,807 --> 00:26:59,098
- Oops! Sorry, Dad.
701
00:26:59,181 --> 00:27:00,473
- It's okay, baby.
702
00:27:18,931 --> 00:27:21,015
[bright tone]
703
00:27:23,223 --> 00:27:25,098
If your sheets are any color
other than white, you dirty.
704
00:27:25,181 --> 00:27:27,765
I'll be a dirty ho then.
Burgundy sheets for life.
705
00:27:27,849 --> 00:27:29,307
♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
706
00:27:29,390 --> 00:27:31,181
INNER CONSCIENCE: Oh no.
We're about to get catcalled.
707
00:27:31,265 --> 00:27:32,807
-We don't know that.
-Let's twerk for him.
708
00:27:32,890 --> 00:27:34,015
INNER CONSCIENCE 2:
The only thing worse
709
00:27:34,098 --> 00:27:36,056
than being catcalled
is an unnoticed twerk.
710
00:27:37,557 --> 00:27:38,931
VIVA ATWOOD:
See something you like?
711
00:27:39,223 --> 00:27:41,682
You, uh, greased up
them shin bottoms just for me.
712
00:27:41,890 --> 00:27:44,265
-Oh, I did more than that.
-What's your name, darlin'?
713
00:27:44,348 --> 00:27:47,473
Viva Atwood.
But I'd rather be "on wood."
714
00:27:48,724 --> 00:27:50,640
All Glee songs are better
than the original.
715
00:27:50,724 --> 00:27:51,640
-Oh--
-That's psychotic.
716
00:27:51,724 --> 00:27:53,890
So, I shouldn't mention
that I think
717
00:27:53,973 --> 00:27:58,307
Britney Spears' "My Prerogative"
is better than Bobby Brown's?
718
00:27:58,515 --> 00:28:00,015
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
49275