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1
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:51,090
Just touching the cone and also just touching the plane.
And the two points where the spheres touch the plane...
2
00:00:55,383 --> 00:01:01,773
Alright, here's where our future lies Rodney, second-hand
motors! This time next year we'll be millionaires!
3
00:01:02,612 --> 00:01:04,394
I dreamed I was drowning last night!
4
00:01:05,446 --> 00:01:08,009
Here, the way I see it is this,
the government,
5
00:01:08,376 --> 00:01:12,307
they're going to have to ban the import of
foreign cars to save our car industry.
6
00:01:12,630 --> 00:01:17,421
But the unions won't stand for that - because that
smacks of racialism - so they'll all go out on strike!
7
00:01:17,836 --> 00:01:20,901
That'll mean you won't be able
to buy a new car for love nor money!
8
00:01:21,243 --> 00:01:21,926
No.
9
00:01:22,172 --> 00:01:28,081
No, no, that is it Rodney. Britain's future lies fairly
and squarely in the second-hand car game.
10
00:01:30,536 --> 00:01:32,850
What did you say just
now? You dreamt that you were drowning?
11
00:01:33,248 --> 00:01:35,719
Is that a gentle way
of trying to tell us that last night you wet the bed?
12
00:01:37,656 --> 00:01:42,277
No, it's not! I'm just depressed that's all, and these
cornflakes aren't making me feel any better!
13
00:01:43,368 --> 00:01:48,887
Honestly Rodney, you make my teeth itch. I've asked you
before, and I've asked you again - phone her!
14
00:01:49,186 --> 00:01:50,845
She knows I won't phone her first!
15
00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:54,082
How does she know that you won't phone her first?
Did you tell her that you wouldn't phone her first?
16
00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:57,787
- No!
- No, well go and phone her and tell her.
17
00:01:58,171 --> 00:01:59,145
Oh that's stupid!
18
00:01:59,356 --> 00:02:02,580
No, it's not, it's no more
stupid than the moody you're in.
19
00:02:03,576 --> 00:02:07,040
Why is it whenever you're getting your end away,
the skies are blue,
20
00:02:07,277 --> 00:02:10,486
the lager's cool
and England are gonna win the World Cup.
21
00:02:10,795 --> 00:02:14,920
And just because some little tart with fat thighs
gives you the elbow, you're in a fit of depression.
22
00:02:15,372 --> 00:02:21,016
She has not given me the elbow! Monica and I are having
difficulties getting it all together on a one-to-one basis.
23
00:02:21,623 --> 00:02:26,620
So my mate, Mickey Pearce -now he's lived with a woman -
he advised us to have a two-week trial separation.
24
00:02:27,319 --> 00:02:30,766
A two-week trial separation?
Cor, come on, you've only known her for two weeks!
25
00:02:31,775 --> 00:02:36,468
What is it then Rodney, a fortnight on,
a fortnight off like sentry duty?
26
00:02:36,758 --> 00:02:40,814
I am not going to phone her Grandad,
that's all there is to it! Plenty more chicks around.
27
00:02:41,075 --> 00:02:45,509
Yeah, alright then - well come on. I reckon your best bet is
to have a blind date with a Samaritan!
28
00:02:46,127 --> 00:02:50,303
I'll survive Del. And Monica
has not got fat thighs!
29
00:02:50,575 --> 00:02:53,159
- She's got fat thighs!
- She has not!
30
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:57,210
Look, I was down the Nag's Head
disco last night and either she's got fat thighs
31
00:02:57,439 --> 00:03:00,387
or she was bopping the night away in a
pair of jodhpurs!
32
00:03:01,128 --> 00:03:02,623
Monica was out dancing?
33
00:03:02,929 --> 00:03:06,823
Yeah! Here, with your mate
Mickey Pearce as it happens!
34
00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:21,425
Oh yes - this came in with a Chesterfield and a gross of
electric toothbrushes as a part-chop on a Vanden Plas.
35
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,263
Still, clean it up a bit,
couple of new tyres!
36
00:03:24,545 --> 00:03:27,455
Yeah, yeah, a new engine,
new body, and you've got a nice little motor.
37
00:03:27,802 --> 00:03:30,076
There's 98,000 miles on the
clock! Is that genuine?
38
00:03:31,339 --> 00:03:38,390
Shut up Rodney. Be honest
Boycie, I mean seriously, it's a bit of a pig!
39
00:03:41,035 --> 00:03:42,714
Well what d'you want for 50
quid?
40
00:03:42,969 --> 00:03:44,985
Ah, well now you're talking!
I'll take that.
41
00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:49,234
What do you want, cheque or
shall I give it to you with the old readies?
42
00:03:50,117 --> 00:03:51,528
You would an' all wouldn't you?
43
00:03:51,769 --> 00:03:54,234
Oh certainly. No, no, it's
handsome though, innit?
44
00:03:55,484 --> 00:04:00,299
You know it's only E-Type Jaguars and Sebastian Coe
that can make me feel proud to be British these days!
45
00:04:00,752 --> 00:04:03,835
Yeah, I know what you mean
Boycie. Why haven't you go this up at the front?
46
00:04:04,261 --> 00:04:09,350
It's not for sale Del, my old mate. As a matter of fact I'm
looking for a place to hide it for a week.
47
00:04:10,028 --> 00:04:15,116
I bought it as a birthday present. I'm dead
scared the wife's gonna see it and suss it all out.
48
00:04:15,584 --> 00:04:17,131
Spoil the surprise?
49
00:04:17,445 --> 00:04:20,628
Spoil everything Rodney, it's
a birthday present for my bit on the side!
50
00:04:22,678 --> 00:04:23,617
You what?
51
00:04:23,848 --> 00:04:28,808
His bit on the side, his bit...
Never mind Boycie.
52
00:04:29,188 --> 00:04:32,067
It's so long since Rodney had a bit on the
side he didn't know they'd moved it!
53
00:04:33,411 --> 00:04:37,754
Wait a minute! Hang about...Mon dieu,
you want to hide this for a week, right?
54
00:04:38,305 --> 00:04:42,301
We've got an empty garage round
on the estate. I can pop it in there for you if you like.
55
00:04:42,570 --> 00:04:48,769
Be handy Del, save me a lot of
aggro. Right well. I owe you one Del.
56
00:04:49,374 --> 00:04:54,708
No, forget it Boycie. I mean if you can't do a pal a favour
without expecting something in return! I mean...
57
00:04:55,818 --> 00:04:58,447
How much did you say you wanted
for that again?
58
00:05:35,479 --> 00:05:37,809
What's the matter? Brakes a bit
spongy are they?
59
00:05:38,443 --> 00:05:43,541
Brakes! What bloody brakes? I
nearly killed myself Del! It's a death trap!
60
00:05:44,402 --> 00:05:46,696
What do you expect for 25 quid?
61
00:06:15,395 --> 00:06:18,147
- Your shock absorber's gone!
- Well it has now!
62
00:06:18,765 --> 00:06:20,848
- What's it like?
- What's what like?
63
00:06:21,139 --> 00:06:24,470
The car you dingo, what you
think I'm talking about, yer flaming coffee?
64
00:06:24,757 --> 00:06:28,294
The car? Oh well, you know,
it's er...it's...it's...
65
00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:29,878
It's a bit over-priced!
66
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:32,287
It's a bit over-priced, yeah,
that's what I was going to say!
67
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:35,178
Says 23,000 on the clock! Is
that genuine?
68
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,803
23...Well the last time I
looked there was over...
69
00:06:38,037 --> 00:06:43,191
22,500, quite right Rodney. No
I had the RAC do a 500-mile road test on it.
70
00:06:43,665 --> 00:06:47,893
Well you know better safe than sorry that's
what I always say. It's beautiful though isn't it?
71
00:06:48,110 --> 00:06:51,560
Beautiful. What do you think?
Son et lumiere wouldn't you say?
72
00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:54,499
Well, I don't know if I'd go
quite that far!
73
00:06:54,950 --> 00:06:58,360
Oh yeah, I mean, look at this
eh? Genuine leather upholstery that.
74
00:06:58,980 --> 00:07:01,785
Where would you find genuine leather
upholstery like that these days, huh?
75
00:07:02,407 --> 00:07:06,802
Do you know what the East African
gazelle became an endangered species for this model,
76
00:07:07,285 --> 00:07:09,333
sacrifice well made I'd say wouldn't you?
77
00:07:09,602 --> 00:07:14,466
No, it's an enthusiast's model this one and
I can see that you are, in fact, a genuine enthusiast!
78
00:07:14,729 --> 00:07:20,827
Don't give me that crap mate! I can make up me own mind
and I don't need any help from no Cockney villain!
79
00:07:22,079 --> 00:07:26,182
Cockney villain! Cockney
Villain! Now there's no need to be like that sir,
80
00:07:26,842 --> 00:07:30,272
I mean after all the British and the
Australians are cousins across the sea, ain't they.
81
00:07:30,504 --> 00:07:33,538
I mean if your great grandad hadn't have
been a bloody villain you could have been one of us!
82
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:40,968
Say no more. C'est la vie. San fairy ann. Allow me to point
out some of the optional extras on this one, sir, for you.
83
00:07:41,636 --> 00:07:43,455
Look at that; the anti-dazzle mirror.
84
00:07:43,948 --> 00:07:50,691
In here you'll notice that we've got the old - look
at that - the one - speed wiper, and...
85
00:07:51,103 --> 00:07:57,266
..er, we've got automatic windows.
Oh yeah a perfect example of the sporting tourer,
86
00:07:57,570 --> 00:08:01,851
and of course, it comes
complete with a full two-weeks MOT still left to run.
87
00:08:02,568 --> 00:08:03,806
How many owners?
88
00:08:04,071 --> 00:08:05,621
How many owners? I'm glad you
asked me that sir.
89
00:08:05,849 --> 00:08:09,605
Because it's only had the one owner from
new...and that, of course, was a vicar!
90
00:08:09,804 --> 00:08:11,949
- A vicar?
- A vicar!
91
00:08:12,209 --> 00:08:15,462
A vicar! Used to use it to drive backwards and
forwards to church on a Sunday that was all.
92
00:08:16,004 --> 00:08:21,213
Oh look at that. Only left his
Bible in the glove compartment.
93
00:08:27,238 --> 00:08:32,326
As I was walking through Earl's
Court. Into a pub I was lured.
94
00:08:32,665 --> 00:08:38,210
Where a nosy Pom said, 'Where you from?'
as I downed the amber fluid.
95
00:08:38,648 --> 00:08:43,860
I said 'Get it straight, I'm an Aussie mate.
And I'm fixing to get plastered.
96
00:08:44,475 --> 00:08:47,855
But the beer is crook. And the birds all look.
Like you, you Pommy...'
97
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,605
Grandad.
98
00:08:50,889 --> 00:08:52,235
Cheers Del Boy.
99
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,948
Alright. Go out and buy yourself
a crate of Odour Etares.
100
00:08:56,589 --> 00:08:58,020
Yeah. I've heard they're good!
101
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:03,610
Oh they are - they are. Blood murder to swallow though!
Here, where's Peckham's conscience?
102
00:09:04,638 --> 00:09:09,500
Oh he's in his room pining about
that little fat bird! Women!
103
00:09:11,598 --> 00:09:15,413
You wouldn't remember when I
married yer Grandmother!
104
00:09:20,735 --> 00:09:25,549
The first night we was in bed
and - well you know Del!
105
00:09:26,885 --> 00:09:28,099
What?
106
00:09:28,470 --> 00:09:32,972
Well, doing what you do when
the lights are out!
107
00:09:35,097 --> 00:09:37,205
Holding a seance, was you?
108
00:09:38,337 --> 00:09:47,944
No! You know what I mean! Anyhow, right in the middle
of it, d'you know what she said to me?
109
00:09:48,934 --> 00:09:49,864
No, what?
110
00:09:50,072 --> 00:09:53,626
She said 'What d'you fancy for
dinner tomorrow?
111
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,962
- What d'you fancy for dinner tomorrow!
- Bad innit?
112
00:10:02,023 --> 00:10:05,275
Bet that didn't happen to Omar
Sharif! Anyway what did you say?
113
00:10:06,585 --> 00:10:11,926
- Steak and Kidney pudding I think!
- Isn't love wonderful!
114
00:10:13,409 --> 00:10:17,251
Aye up. Look out the room is
full. Where you going? Fancy dress party?
115
00:10:17,516 --> 00:10:19,853
No I'm gonna do what Monica was
doing last night.
116
00:10:20,345 --> 00:10:22,700
Oh going dancing with Mickey
Pearce are you?
117
00:10:23,045 --> 00:10:26,839
No! I'm going out - I'm gonna
paint the town red - rip it up a bit!
118
00:10:27,187 --> 00:10:28,674
Oh yeah, where you going,
Streatham?
119
00:10:28,911 --> 00:10:31,821
No, I'm not going to Steatham
Del! I'm gonna hit a few clubs up West.
120
00:10:32,018 --> 00:10:34,316
- What? You up West?
- Yeah
121
00:10:34,719 --> 00:10:37,133
You'd need a bloody compass to
find it, you would.
122
00:10:37,415 --> 00:10:39,895
I am often up West Del, I'm one
of the faces!
123
00:10:40,134 --> 00:10:42,449
One of the faces! Do me a favour
Rodney.
124
00:10:42,678 --> 00:10:46,884
Two halves of lager at the British Legion Club is like
a walk on the wild side for you!
125
00:10:47,565 --> 00:10:52,153
Just leave me to live my own life would you!
And what do you mean 'fancy dress'?
126
00:10:52,929 --> 00:10:57,373
Well just - wonder why you were
hitting the West End looking like a praying mantis.
127
00:10:58,850 --> 00:11:04,443
Just lay off me Del. Is that the money from the Cortina?
That death-trap you sold to Skippy?
128
00:11:04,944 --> 00:11:07,932
- Yes, look, there was nothing wrong with that car!
- Nothing wrong!
129
00:11:08,142 --> 00:11:12,328
The oil light stayed on, the steering didn't always go
the way you wanted it to and the brakes didn't work!
130
00:11:12,517 --> 00:11:16,220
A few minor faults. Anyway, the
oil light didn't stay on, I fixed it.
131
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,616
You mean you actually went to
the trouble of changing the oil?
132
00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:20,592
No, I took the bulb out.
133
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:25,217
You are great you are Del. I mean, you've done some
pretty doubtful things in your time
134
00:11:25,426 --> 00:11:28,526
but I never thought you'd stoop
to selling instant motorway madness!
135
00:11:28,737 --> 00:11:30,304
Oh shut up you tart!
136
00:11:30,503 --> 00:11:34,809
That money is immoral - that is your handful of silver Del.
That is nothing more than blood money!
137
00:11:35,636 --> 00:11:38,217
Oh, oh is it? Oh yeah.
138
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:40,984
- Alright then.
- Oi, half of that's mine!
139
00:11:41,354 --> 00:11:47,232
Now you see what I mean don't you eh, Grandad? That is
the mentality of your spoon fed student type.
140
00:11:47,758 --> 00:11:52,352
They walk around all day with Steve Bilko
written on their T-shirts spouting about humanity,
141
00:11:52,818 --> 00:11:57,481
when it comes down to a fight over
a torn fiver they make Genghis Khan look like a pacifist!
142
00:11:58,163 --> 00:12:02,373
Look I was merely stating a fact that half of that
is mine. It don't mean to say I want it!
143
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:11,386
- Oh I see - don't want this money then Rodney, eh?
- No.
144
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:17,629
Oh, what bind, I'll have to spend it all myself then won't
I, eh? Oh well, still going out are you Rodney?
145
00:12:19,401 --> 00:12:25,043
Er...Yeah...Do you er, fancy
tagging along Del, I'll show you some of my clubs.
146
00:12:25,535 --> 00:12:29,218
No, no, no really. Look if
you're hard up for a bit of company I'll come, alright.
147
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,483
Hey, hard up for company, you
must be joking. I've got hundreds of friends!
148
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,172
Oh - oh that's alright then -
good.
149
00:12:36,543 --> 00:12:39,886
Yeah. There's the cats from the
evening class for a start.
150
00:12:40,479 --> 00:12:44,404
Cats? Where you going Rodney?
Dancing or ratting?
151
00:12:45,283 --> 00:12:46,824
Ratting I like that.
152
00:12:47,078 --> 00:12:52,730
It means ravers Grandad, swingers! And these guys
really live it up Del, and when I say live I mean live!
153
00:12:54,418 --> 00:13:04,627
Yeah, there's Dave and Bob...
Mike and, and Tony, George...
154
00:13:05,178 --> 00:13:07,245
- Jim.
- Jim...yeah.
155
00:13:07,792 --> 00:13:09,488
- Why don't you go and give 'em a bell?
- Who?
156
00:13:09,682 --> 00:13:12,383
You know, the Beautiful People
from the evening institute!
157
00:13:13,358 --> 00:13:14,869
Er, they're not on the phone
158
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,133
What, you mean all these swingers ain't got a phone
between 'em? Are they on the electric yet?
159
00:13:18,329 --> 00:13:22,644
Alright, alright! Well, you
coming with me, then?
160
00:13:23,223 --> 00:13:26,283
No, no, I'll pop down the Nag's
Head for a light ale later on.
161
00:13:28,419 --> 00:13:33,445
Well your loss Del. I'll tell you all about it in the
morning then, assuming I'm back in the morning.
162
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,739
Yeah alright.
163
00:13:36,414 --> 00:13:38,616
- Well are you coming or not then?
- No!
164
00:13:39,217 --> 00:13:44,476
- Ok then...Well here I go!
- Yeah, see yer then.
165
00:13:46,385 --> 00:13:49,867
- I'll give the birds your regards shall I?
- Yeah, you do that, it's triffic.
166
00:13:50,842 --> 00:13:54,882
Right, well we have take off!
167
00:14:01,446 --> 00:14:03,992
Well make up your mind Del,
you coming or not?
168
00:14:04,370 --> 00:14:08,031
You bloody kids! They can't
even enjoy themselves today can they, eh!
169
00:14:08,568 --> 00:14:11,365
Alright, come on
soppy, let's go and rip it up!
170
00:14:12,045 --> 00:14:15,966
Well if you want to tag along that's fine by me Del!
Er, if you can pay for your own way.
171
00:14:16,281 --> 00:14:18,808
Pay for...don't worry, I've got
the money.
172
00:14:19,027 --> 00:14:23,587
I've got the keys to the van and all - Grandad,
go easy on the iron jelloids tonight.
173
00:14:24,737 --> 00:14:27,139
We're not going up West in a
three-wheeled van are we?
174
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,695
I certainly ain't walking it
Rodders!
175
00:14:29,971 --> 00:14:34,051
Yeah but I mean it's all about images init Del.
I mean you're very suave and debonair.
176
00:14:34,355 --> 00:14:38,374
Yeah well I s'pose I am a bit
ostentatious really. Yeah I am, aren't I?
177
00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:43,200
Still, if I drive, you hide down behind the dashboard
and no one will see us arrive.
178
00:14:43,427 --> 00:14:46,659
What do you mean no one will see us arrive?
I want people to see me arrive don't I, eh?
179
00:14:46,897 --> 00:14:49,279
In a three-wheeled van? Still,
got no choice have we?
180
00:14:49,694 --> 00:14:53,853
Yes we have! Yes we have, we
can take Boycie's E-Type Jag!
181
00:14:54,249 --> 00:14:58,969
The Jag! Are you sure Del, well
upon your shoulders be it son, let's go.
182
00:15:16,605 --> 00:15:21,643
Is it always as dark as this in here or are they holding a
dummy run for a coal miners' convention?
183
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:23,943
I dunno!
184
00:15:24,365 --> 00:15:27,187
What do you mean you dunno?
I thought you said this was one of your regular clubs.
185
00:15:28,005 --> 00:15:30,705
Well I might have exaggerated
a bit when I said regular.
186
00:15:31,027 --> 00:15:32,505
How many times have you been
here then?
187
00:15:32,703 --> 00:15:33,837
Never!
188
00:15:34,290 --> 00:15:36,782
Never? What you bring us in
here for then?
189
00:15:36,966 --> 00:15:38,432
It looked alright from the outside!
190
00:15:38,432 --> 00:15:45,226
It looked alright from the outside! That's what the
Christians said about the coliseum, you berk!
191
00:15:48,619 --> 00:15:50,193
Not much action for a nightclub
is there!
192
00:15:50,420 --> 00:15:54,569
No, probably something to do
with the fact that it's only half past seven!
193
00:15:55,362 --> 00:15:58,370
- It's the last time I come out with you Rodney!
- Is that a promise you moaning git?
194
00:15:58,518 --> 00:16:05,013
Oi, watch it you. Ah Garcon la
petite pois!
195
00:16:06,947 --> 00:16:08,983
- Parlez vous Fracais?
- Jawohl!
196
00:16:09,783 --> 00:16:12,871
Yes! What can I get for you?
197
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:20,733
- Um, I'd like a Caribbean Stallion.
- Wouldn't we all dear! What is it?
198
00:16:22,026 --> 00:16:29,048
It's an exotic cocktail ain't it, specially created for the
discerning palates of the international jet-set!
199
00:16:29,734 --> 00:16:31,841
Roger Moore drank one in
Live and Let Die.
200
00:16:32,051 --> 00:16:34,034
I wouldn't put anything past her.
201
00:16:34,823 --> 00:16:39,836
Eh? Yeah well you'd better
write this down hadn't you?
202
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:46,360
What you want is a shot of Tequila and a shot
of coconut rum and one of Creme de Menthe.
203
00:16:46,869 --> 00:16:49,524
Then you want a
smidgin, just a smidgin, of Campari,
204
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:52,692
with the merest
suggestion of Angostura bitters.
205
00:16:52,899 --> 00:16:58,599
Right, you top that up with fresh grapefruit
juice, and you shake it - do not stir - right.
206
00:16:59,056 --> 00:17:06,591
Pour that slowly over broken ice. Garnish with a slice of
orange, slice of lime, your occasional seasonal fruits.
207
00:17:06,896 --> 00:17:11,348
Top that off with a decorative plastic
umbrella, two translucent straws and - voila!
208
00:17:12,460 --> 00:17:16,791
- Right! And for you?
- Half a lager please.
209
00:17:18,775 --> 00:17:24,705
Half a lager...Reg Varney drank
one of them in Holiday on the Buses!
210
00:17:29,245 --> 00:17:33,461
- Is he a bit funny?
- I dunno.
211
00:17:35,265 --> 00:17:41,513
He's definitely a bandit that one.
Tonight we dance with our backs to the wall, Rodney!
212
00:17:44,190 --> 00:17:45,847
Wonder what Monica's doing now?
213
00:17:46,106 --> 00:17:48,817
Well, why don't you phone Mickey Pearce,
he might be able to throw some light on the subject!
214
00:17:49,265 --> 00:17:51,146
I don't talk to him no more!
215
00:17:51,761 --> 00:17:56,990
Hey look - come on, I'm your brother ain't I eh?
You can tell me. What broke you two up?
216
00:17:57,415 --> 00:18:00,243
What do you mean 'What broke us up?'
I found out he was dating Monica!
217
00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:03,622
No, not you and Mickey bloody
Pearce - you and the fat bird!
218
00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:11,996
Oh! Well, she thought I was
weird! Well not so much weird, more warped!
219
00:18:14,329 --> 00:18:15,676
Warped?
220
00:18:15,983 --> 00:18:23,622
Yeah. See I've got this fantasy!
Uniforms, they turn me on!
221
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:28,879
Uniforms? You mean like postmen
and that?
222
00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:39,237
No, women in uniforms. Nurses,
air hostesses and my favourites, policewomen.
223
00:18:41,169 --> 00:18:47,964
Policewomen? But they nick you.
So what you're trying to tell me is that this Monica bird,
224
00:18:48,175 --> 00:18:51,607
the sort of like didn't go a
bundle on this dressing up idea? Is that - that right?
225
00:18:51,890 --> 00:18:54,245
Oh I didn't tell her, I tried
to do it without her knowing.
226
00:18:55,055 --> 00:18:58,792
How the hell do you dress someone up
as Juliet Bravo without them twigging?
227
00:18:59,046 --> 00:19:03,704
I was going to do it gradually, over a period of time.
Last week was her birthday, right,
228
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:07,585
so I bought her one of them blue serge suits
that Paddy the Greek was selling, right.
229
00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:10,876
I already got her the hat,
white with navy blue peak...
230
00:19:11,511 --> 00:19:13,908
and then for Valentine's Day
I was going to get her some black stockings
231
00:19:14,114 --> 00:19:17,650
and some of them sensible walking brogues
right...then for Christmas...
232
00:19:17,959 --> 00:19:25,039
A whistle and a set of handcuffs! Blimey
you were lucky she gave you the elbow when she did,
233
00:19:25,911 --> 00:19:32,242
those Panda cars cost a bomb you know.
Monica's right about you, you know
234
00:19:32,614 --> 00:19:35,728
you're a pervo Rodney. That is immoral, you
know that, don't you?
235
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:40,121
Immoral! Today you sold a clapped-out Batmobile
with no brakes. That's immoral, son
236
00:19:40,314 --> 00:19:42,253
There was nothing wrong with
that car. It went didn't it?
237
00:19:42,530 --> 00:19:47,808
Oh it went, yeah, just didn't stop. You're like the chairman
of a cigarette company joining the Festival of Light.
238
00:19:47,983 --> 00:19:51,113
You can die for my profit, but don't
play with yourself in between.
239
00:19:54,591 --> 00:19:59,258
Alright, alright Rodney. Yeah,
well I didn't mean the geezer no harm did I?
240
00:19:59,455 --> 00:20:02,528
I'll pop round and see him tomorrow and pay to
have his brakes repaired. How's that?
241
00:20:02,727 --> 00:20:05,387
That's good. If you do that for
me I'll tell you what I'll do for you.
242
00:20:05,584 --> 00:20:07,439
You'll stop thinking about
policewomen?
243
00:20:07,653 --> 00:20:09,936
No, I'll accept my 50 per cent of the profits.
244
00:20:10,237 --> 00:20:12,251
Oh my cup runneth over.
245
00:20:12,790 --> 00:20:22,791
Half a lager for sir and a Caribbean Stallion for
Mandingo. That'll be seven pounds.
246
00:20:23,150 --> 00:20:26,986
Seven quid, blimey I can get
that for three quid where I come from.
247
00:20:27,229 --> 00:20:31,700
Oh you're from Jersey, are
you? Enjoy your stay.
248
00:20:32,595 --> 00:20:34,373
What's he on about Jersey?
249
00:20:34,596 --> 00:20:38,422
By the way, the barman said
would you like some evaporated milk with that?
250
00:20:39,674 --> 00:20:41,682
Tell the barman to go and get
stuffed.
251
00:20:42,030 --> 00:20:46,514
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh - thank you sir.
252
00:20:54,148 --> 00:20:58,272
No not yet it's only twenty to eight. If we pull them
now we'll have to buy them drinks all night.
253
00:20:59,437 --> 00:21:01,162
But we could take them back to
the flat.
254
00:21:01,369 --> 00:21:06,069
Hey that's an idea, I've got 24
litres of that Yugoslavian Riesling in the garage.
255
00:21:06,244 --> 00:21:09,251
We could pop old Grandad in the
meter cupboard and have ourselves a little party.
256
00:21:09,626 --> 00:21:14,804
Yeah, yeah, go on Del. You can
charm a tortoise out of a shell you can. Go on.
257
00:21:15,832 --> 00:21:21,158
Okay. Now you look, learn and
listen, right.
258
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:43,302
- Drink up, we're leaving
- Oh you are great, you are.
259
00:21:43,568 --> 00:21:47,147
- You're the last miracle left in the world.
- Shut up and drink will yer!
260
00:21:47,442 --> 00:21:51,583
- Yeah, yeah, are they a couple of ravers?
- They're a couple of geezers.
261
00:22:35,015 --> 00:22:38,058
- I'm sorry.
- What?
262
00:22:39,044 --> 00:22:42,578
- I said I'm sorry!
- Shut up.
263
00:22:42,969 --> 00:22:45,429
I didn't know it was that sort
of place, did I?
264
00:22:45,918 --> 00:22:51,077
A right bleeding night I've had. Become a member of a gay
club, discovered me brother's a pervo,
265
00:22:51,462 --> 00:22:57,659
had a close encounter with two dockers in drag!
You'd better not tell anybody about this, Rodney.
266
00:22:57,954 --> 00:23:00,179
I've got my macho reputation to uphold.
267
00:23:01,598 --> 00:23:07,022
I'm warning you, if one person - just one - calls me
the Naked Civil Servant, and I'll kill you.
268
00:23:07,439 --> 00:23:10,198
Don't be silly Del.
I'm hardly gonna go round bragging
269
00:23:10,355 --> 00:23:13,658
I saw my own brother trying to date
a couple of transvestites am I?
270
00:23:13,819 --> 00:23:20,512
What? It was you who clocked
them you - just shut up, shut up will you.
271
00:23:34,463 --> 00:23:36,759
- Del.
- Shut up.
272
00:23:37,468 --> 00:23:39,536
Corner table to your left. A
couple of birds.
273
00:23:39,869 --> 00:23:44,800
Oh don't start that again, a couple of birds.
It's probably Hinge and Bracket out having a pint.
274
00:23:45,992 --> 00:23:50,067
These are definitely feminine Del,
all the lumps are in the right places this time.
275
00:23:50,514 --> 00:23:52,246
Yeah, where?
276
00:23:54,306 --> 00:23:57,549
No, I don't mean like that you
wally, I mean where here?
277
00:24:02,252 --> 00:24:06,478
Yes that will definitely suit
me. Right, come on, bellies in!
278
00:24:06,894 --> 00:24:11,913
Let's just be ourselves this time shall we? None of
your embarrassing lies! And don't try an' put me down!
279
00:24:12,112 --> 00:24:14,555
- Alright! Alright! And don't you say I'm 35.
- Alright!
280
00:24:14,823 --> 00:24:16,721
Come on then, into action.
281
00:24:20,335 --> 00:24:24,055
Whoops, sorry, look at that
just dropped the keys to the white alpine E-Type Jaguar,
282
00:24:24,311 --> 00:24:27,764
eight track stereo, leather-
look steering wheel! It's not my car, it's his.
283
00:24:28,834 --> 00:24:30,703
Yeah, yeah, it's my car!
Cheers Del!
284
00:24:30,872 --> 00:24:33,355
That's alright. We're just
using it while they service my Ferrari!
285
00:24:33,518 --> 00:24:35,226
He's 35!
286
00:24:37,679 --> 00:24:40,086
Sit down will you - sit down
Rodney, keep yer brains warm!
287
00:24:40,264 --> 00:24:44,491
Go on son. You didn't mind if
we join you girls do you, no? Good.
288
00:24:44,746 --> 00:24:50,423
This is my brother Rodney, and I'm Del, that's
short for Derek, nice name that innit eh - Derek?
289
00:24:50,897 --> 00:24:55,060
- Yeah, very nice. I'm Nicky, this is Michele.
- Nicky and Michele, they're nice names!
290
00:24:58,761 --> 00:25:02,651
- Yes! Not as nice as Derek though, is it, that name?
- Oh no, not a patch on Derek!
291
00:25:08,216 --> 00:25:10,853
Do you come here often?
292
00:25:11,529 --> 00:25:13,945
I don't believe you, I don't
believe you.
293
00:25:14,425 --> 00:25:16,942
Yes - quite often. I haven't
seen you here before!
294
00:25:17,118 --> 00:25:19,719
No, no, it's because we - you
know - don't come to London very much.
295
00:25:19,886 --> 00:25:21,815
- Oh, where do you come from then?
- Peckham.
296
00:25:23,547 --> 00:25:29,388
Originally from Peckham. But we spend most
of our time abroad now for tax reasons.
297
00:25:30,174 --> 00:25:33,349
You know, yeah, we're
on the international professional tennis circuit.
298
00:25:33,570 --> 00:25:38,572
Yeah, he's an international
professional tennis player and I'm his manager.
299
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,760
You must have heard of Rodney, yeah Rodney.
The sporting press call him Hot Rod.
300
00:25:45,154 --> 00:25:47,240
- Don't think I have. What's the surname?
- Trotter!
301
00:25:47,683 --> 00:25:49,758
Doesn't ring a bell, sorry.
302
00:25:49,946 --> 00:25:54,219
No, no that's because we generally concentrate
on the big American tournaments, you see.
303
00:25:54,633 --> 00:25:55,982
Do you ever play Wimbledon?
304
00:25:56,170 --> 00:26:00,054
No, no, we only do the big 'uns!
We've jut come back from the Miami Open...
305
00:26:00,661 --> 00:26:06,218
- Really? You're not very tanned for Miami, are you?
- No, no, it was an indoor tournament.
306
00:26:07,027 --> 00:26:12,136
I mean they call it the Miami Open
and then they go an' hold it indoors.
307
00:26:13,252 --> 00:26:15,769
That's the Yanks or yer though eh?
308
00:26:16,553 --> 00:26:24,767
Anyway we can't complain like because he won it,
he did beat that Jimmy Connelly in the final.
309
00:26:25,431 --> 00:26:28,859
Jimmy Connelly? Don't you mean
Jimmy Connors?
310
00:26:29,070 --> 00:26:32,800
No, he knocked that dildo out in
the first round, nine sets to one!
311
00:26:32,997 --> 00:26:36,806
Actually we're only in London to get
Hot Rodney here measured up for a new bat.
312
00:26:36,963 --> 00:26:38,188
It's a racquet!
313
00:26:38,368 --> 00:26:41,101
Bloody is the prices they charge, darling.
314
00:26:41,607 --> 00:26:46,669
No also we thought it might be an idea
to give him some practice on grass you see.
315
00:26:46,884 --> 00:26:50,065
Because over in the States they
use that stuff called Astroturf.
316
00:26:50,321 --> 00:26:53,201
- What do you prefer, Rodney?
- Pardon?
317
00:26:53,381 --> 00:26:56,078
What do you prefer? Astroturf
or grass?
318
00:26:57,034 --> 00:27:00,273
I don't know. I've never smoked
Astroturf.
319
00:27:07,326 --> 00:27:09,454
You wally!
320
00:27:12,087 --> 00:27:16,303
No, no, we're not
really professional tennis players!
321
00:27:16,587 --> 00:27:18,922
- We know!
- We're just having a laugh.
322
00:27:19,182 --> 00:27:21,757
- Yeah, just having a laugh that's all.
- What do you really do?
323
00:27:22,187 --> 00:27:24,798
We're Concorde pilots!
324
00:27:32,802 --> 00:27:35,446
Light me up a cigar will you
Rodders?
325
00:27:36,666 --> 00:27:39,157
We have struck gold here Del Boy!
326
00:27:39,418 --> 00:27:43,859
It's the Klondike my son - the
Klondike. I mean every bloke's dream innit, eh?
327
00:27:44,368 --> 00:27:46,995
Meeting a couple of sorts with their own
pad in Chelsea.
328
00:27:47,519 --> 00:27:51,203
I hope it's a penthouse, because I'm a
penthouse sort of person.
329
00:27:51,510 --> 00:27:53,694
Know what I mean, balconies - rubber
plants, all that game.
330
00:27:53,910 --> 00:27:57,279
Hey if we can see them next
Friday perhaps we can stay for the weekend
331
00:27:57,575 --> 00:28:01,206
- Yeah, watch Match of the Day!
- Yeah, won't have to spend much will we!
332
00:28:03,399 --> 00:28:05,508
Won't have to spend much...
333
00:28:06,015 --> 00:28:13,289
Honestly Rodney, when it comes down to the nitty gritty you
are completely devoid of any je ne said quoi ain't yer?
334
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:18,726
I mean, these aren't your two halves of Stingo,
a packet of pork scratchings and Bob's yer uncle type!
335
00:28:19,387 --> 00:28:24,351
No, no, no, we'll
take 'em to a Berni inn! Yes.
336
00:28:25,475 --> 00:28:30,396
I bow to your experience and
wallet there Del. Hey, where' their phone number?
337
00:28:30,724 --> 00:28:37,177
- Oh she wrote it down on my cigar pack.
- Ace! What - what cigar pack's that then Del?
338
00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,698
The one I just gave you.
339
00:28:40,672 --> 00:28:42,358
- Del!
- Yeah?
340
00:28:42,962 --> 00:28:44,315
- You know that cigar pack?
- Yeah.
341
00:28:45,976 --> 00:28:47,708
I threw it out the window about
a mile and half back!
342
00:28:48,055 --> 00:28:49,852
Oh that's alright.
343
00:28:53,883 --> 00:28:59,687
You what?
You pranny!
344
00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:13,772
God! I don't believe it. I just
do not believe it!
345
00:29:15,161 --> 00:29:18,746
Now look what you've done Rodney, you've
smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.
346
00:29:18,976 --> 00:29:20,643
Me? You were driving it.
347
00:29:20,832 --> 00:29:23,323
Don't play bloody word games
with me, Rodney!
348
00:29:28,989 --> 00:29:32,361
What's your game pal. What is
your game, are you blind or something?
349
00:29:32,610 --> 00:29:36,877
I'm really sorry about that
mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky...
350
00:29:39,128 --> 00:29:45,378
You! I've been looking for you two
Flaming Gollahs all day long...Now come here!
351
00:29:52,204 --> 00:29:55,480
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