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3
00:00:09,730 --> 00:00:13,729
And now a message
from our cartoon president.
4
00:00:13,756 --> 00:00:15,047
My fellow Americans
5
00:00:15,048 --> 00:00:17,922
and temporarily unfurloughed
nonessential
6
00:00:17,923 --> 00:00:18,964
federal dead weight,
7
00:00:18,965 --> 00:00:21,547
we are one year
into my presidency,
8
00:00:21,548 --> 00:00:25,297
and it's time to finally admit
I am absolutely crushing it.
9
00:00:25,298 --> 00:00:28,588
These past few weeks alone, I've
achieved headlines with words
10
00:00:28,589 --> 00:00:33,297
like "porn star," "shithole,"
and "cognitive function."
11
00:00:33,298 --> 00:00:35,131
It's Showtime. I mean,
I can say "shithole," right?
12
00:00:35,132 --> 00:00:38,880
Can I say [bleep] [bleep]
13
00:00:38,881 --> 00:00:42,588
No? We found the line
for season one!
14
00:00:42,589 --> 00:00:43,964
So, how did I do it?
15
00:00:43,965 --> 00:00:48,131
Well, for one, everyone knows my
brain has great bone structure.
16
00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:51,588
My doctor said
that my I.Q. was 180/90.
17
00:00:51,589 --> 00:00:52,922
He said I'm so smart
18
00:00:52,923 --> 00:00:54,172
that he doesn't know
how my organs function.
19
00:00:54,173 --> 00:00:56,588
I mean, I was a great athlete.
20
00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:58,172
The Yankees wanted me to sign,
21
00:00:58,173 --> 00:00:59,672
but I was in talks
with the Knicks,
22
00:00:59,673 --> 00:01:02,672
which broke down because, how do
you say no to the Yankees?
23
00:01:02,673 --> 00:01:04,630
One time,
Steinbrenner's having a party,
24
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,672
and Don King walks in
with Roger Ailes
25
00:01:06,673 --> 00:01:09,797
and two of the hottest,
youngest pieces of --
26
00:01:09,798 --> 00:01:13,505
So, why is this show
called Our Cartoon President?
27
00:01:13,506 --> 00:01:14,839
No one knows.
28
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,214
But I'd like to think
that it's because we're all
29
00:01:17,215 --> 00:01:18,547
in this together, folks.
30
00:01:18,548 --> 00:01:21,588
Each and every one of you voted
for me, and the ones who didn't,
31
00:01:21,589 --> 00:01:24,797
you kind of wanted to see
what would happen,
32
00:01:24,798 --> 00:01:28,006
and it's happening more
than you could have imagined.
33
00:01:28,007 --> 00:01:31,880
Now, some are worried that
this show might humanize me.
34
00:01:31,881 --> 00:01:33,463
Well, too late, folks.
35
00:01:33,464 --> 00:01:35,672
After my recent physical,
Dr. Ronny assured me
36
00:01:35,673 --> 00:01:41,047
that I am a human being
and there's no cure for that.
37
00:01:41,048 --> 00:01:43,297
I'm also our cartoon president,
38
00:01:43,298 --> 00:01:46,922
and our show --
but really mine -- begins now.
39
00:01:46,923 --> 00:01:50,089
[inhales deeply]
40
00:01:50,090 --> 00:01:51,880
[straining]
41
00:01:51,881 --> 00:01:53,505
[clears throat]
42
00:01:53,506 --> 00:01:56,587
For Subtitling Services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
43
00:01:56,589 --> 00:02:00,547
For Subtitling Services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
44
00:02:00,548 --> 00:02:04,964
For Subtitling Services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
45
00:02:04,965 --> 00:02:07,588
[woman] President Trump
enters this beautiful day
46
00:02:07,589 --> 00:02:09,630
with a historically low
approval rating.
47
00:02:09,631 --> 00:02:11,422
[President Trump]
Fake news.
According to --
48
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:12,755
[man] ...widely reviled...
Fake news.
49
00:02:12,756 --> 00:02:14,172
[man #2]
...bad president...
Fake news.
50
00:02:14,173 --> 00:02:15,380
[woman #2] ...piece of shit...
Fake news.
51
00:02:15,381 --> 00:02:17,338
[man #3] Temperature today --
38, which is still higher
52
00:02:17,339 --> 00:02:18,089
than the president's
approval rating.
53
00:02:18,090 --> 00:02:19,256
Fake weather.
Tomorrow's --
54
00:02:19,257 --> 00:02:21,256
♪ upbeat music plays ♪
55
00:02:21,257 --> 00:02:23,797
Okay, Fox & Friends,
I'm ready.
56
00:02:23,798 --> 00:02:25,172
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
57
00:02:25,173 --> 00:02:27,298
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
58
00:02:27,870 --> 00:02:29,160
Welcome to
"Fox & Friends."
59
00:02:29,161 --> 00:02:32,160
It's 6:00 a.m.,
and, Mr. President,
60
00:02:32,161 --> 00:02:34,327
rise and shine,
and I love you.
61
00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:35,494
I don't know what it is.
62
00:02:35,495 --> 00:02:37,452
There's just something
about this show.
63
00:02:37,453 --> 00:02:38,994
Big week
at the White House.
64
00:02:38,995 --> 00:02:40,910
First,
the State of the Union address,
65
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,244
delivered before
a joint session of Congress
66
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:44,916
broadcast to the eyes
of the nation.
67
00:02:44,917 --> 00:02:46,791
Sucks for whoever booked
that gig.
68
00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:48,958
And that will be delivered
by none other
69
00:02:48,959 --> 00:02:49,624
than
President Donald Trump.
70
00:02:49,625 --> 00:02:51,875
And we're also celebrating
71
00:02:51,876 --> 00:02:53,958
the president's
upcoming wedding anniversary.
72
00:02:53,959 --> 00:02:57,916
Maybe if I'm quiet enough
she'll sleep through it.
73
00:02:57,917 --> 00:03:00,041
Oh, Donald.
Damn it!
74
00:03:00,042 --> 00:03:02,749
When you dragged me here
from New York, I was sad,
75
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:05,875
but every year,
your anniversary gifts remind me
76
00:03:05,876 --> 00:03:08,666
that behind the suit
the size of a beach cabana,
77
00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:11,375
there's
a blue-cheese-obstructed heart.
78
00:03:11,376 --> 00:03:13,208
That's why this year
I'm giving you
79
00:03:13,209 --> 00:03:16,292
the most tremendous
anniversary gift yet.
80
00:03:16,293 --> 00:03:18,167
You're gonna love it
even better
81
00:03:18,168 --> 00:03:19,583
than taking you
horse hunting.
82
00:03:19,584 --> 00:03:21,458
Really?
You promise?
83
00:03:21,459 --> 00:03:23,458
Hey, I didn't get
three women to marry me
84
00:03:23,459 --> 00:03:25,167
by breaking promises.
85
00:03:25,168 --> 00:03:29,417
♪♪
86
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:30,417
Why are you looking at me?
87
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,624
There's a TV in the room.
88
00:03:32,625 --> 00:03:34,417
Here's what
I don't understand.
89
00:03:34,418 --> 00:03:36,125
Why do
they get Hanukkah off,
90
00:03:36,126 --> 00:03:39,541
but I have to go to work on
President Trump's anniversary?
91
00:03:39,542 --> 00:03:41,541
♪ mid-tempo music plays ♪
92
00:03:41,542 --> 00:03:43,624
And then Hillary called me
to concede,
93
00:03:43,625 --> 00:03:45,167
and it was official --
94
00:03:45,168 --> 00:03:47,417
I had won the presidency.
95
00:03:47,418 --> 00:03:50,583
And that's the daily recap
of the 2016 election.
96
00:03:50,584 --> 00:03:52,208
Moving on to top stories.
97
00:03:52,209 --> 00:03:54,083
A new Quinnipiac poll
shows you've cut
98
00:03:54,084 --> 00:03:56,708
much of the excess fat
from your approval ratings.
99
00:03:56,709 --> 00:03:57,833
I mean, you got
to love an approval rating
100
00:03:57,834 --> 00:04:01,333
that's nice and trim.
With a firm ass.
101
00:04:01,334 --> 00:04:03,666
Nuch Dog coming in hot.
102
00:04:03,667 --> 00:04:06,000
A local deli has named
a sandwich after you.
103
00:04:06,001 --> 00:04:07,000
And you didn't lead
with that?
104
00:04:07,001 --> 00:04:08,666
Sir, I hate to interrupt,
but have you prepared
105
00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:10,083
your State of the Union
speech?
106
00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:13,708
Well, I'm definitely gonna
bring up that sandwich thing.
107
00:04:13,709 --> 00:04:15,833
And then maybe
I'll announce the national bird.
108
00:04:15,834 --> 00:04:18,708
Mr. President, we already
have a national bird.
109
00:04:18,709 --> 00:04:20,125
It's the bald eagle.
110
00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:22,666
You make the bald eagle
the national flower.
111
00:04:22,667 --> 00:04:23,875
Trump picks the bird.
112
00:04:23,876 --> 00:04:26,624
What happened at the end
of today's Fox & Friends?
113
00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:29,041
I only caught
the first 170 minutes.
114
00:04:29,042 --> 00:04:32,333
Uh, Brian Kilmeade
said you're fantastic?
115
00:04:32,334 --> 00:04:35,499
Kilmeade using
a three-syllable word?
116
00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,292
What are you hiding?
117
00:04:37,293 --> 00:04:39,375
I give Trump's presidency
a 10.
118
00:04:39,376 --> 00:04:42,499
10 for me.
Well, I'm gonna go with a 9
119
00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:44,583
because a part of my brain
is telling me
120
00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:45,749
that all of this is wrong.
121
00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:50,541
My God.
I've lost Kilmeade.
122
00:04:50,542 --> 00:04:52,000
Gentlemen,
123
00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:53,749
I took a look at my polls,
124
00:04:53,750 --> 00:04:57,250
and I'm sad to report that
our worst fears have come true.
125
00:04:57,251 --> 00:05:01,417
Only 38% of Americans
have good taste in presidents.
126
00:05:01,418 --> 00:05:04,167
Does this mean
we're moving again?
127
00:05:04,168 --> 00:05:05,624
Shut up, Eric!
128
00:05:05,625 --> 00:05:07,958
Shut up, Don!
Yeah, shut up, Don.
129
00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:09,250
Shut up, Eric.
130
00:05:09,251 --> 00:05:10,583
I mean, that's actually
why I called you both here.
131
00:05:10,584 --> 00:05:13,083
I love you,
but I don't need you
132
00:05:13,084 --> 00:05:13,875
trying to goose
my poll numbers.
133
00:05:13,876 --> 00:05:16,041
You leave
the heavy lifting to me
134
00:05:16,042 --> 00:05:18,083
and stick to your roles --
eating Gushers
135
00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:19,417
and barfing in hot tubs.
136
00:05:19,418 --> 00:05:21,499
You got it, Dad.
Uh, hold on.
137
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:22,583
Dad, we're the best bros
you got, dude.
138
00:05:22,584 --> 00:05:25,624
We know Americans
way better
139
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:28,916
than some pollsters
who surveyed Americans.
140
00:05:28,917 --> 00:05:30,458
This is
the new normal, Don.
141
00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,083
But don't worry
about all this.
142
00:05:32,084 --> 00:05:34,624
I got an easy trick
presidents use
143
00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:35,375
to juice approval ratings.
144
00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:36,791
War time, baby!
145
00:05:36,792 --> 00:05:40,041
Give me
that nuclear football!
146
00:05:40,042 --> 00:05:41,125
Hyah!
147
00:05:41,126 --> 00:05:42,916
Give me that.
Buhbuh-buh-buh-buh!
148
00:05:42,917 --> 00:05:46,458
Okay, okay.
Fine, fine.
149
00:05:46,459 --> 00:05:49,208
So, uh, anyone have
any plans this week?
150
00:05:49,209 --> 00:05:51,125
Give me!
Uh, I got...
151
00:05:51,126 --> 00:05:52,958
- Come here.
- Forget it.
152
00:05:52,959 --> 00:05:54,624
If you're gonna hog
the football,
153
00:05:54,625 --> 00:05:55,959
why not just take over
the whole government?
154
00:05:58,251 --> 00:05:59,083
[door slams]
155
00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:01,167
Did he just ask us
to wage a coup?
156
00:06:01,168 --> 00:06:02,083
I heard "coup."
157
00:06:02,084 --> 00:06:03,499
- He did, right?
- I heard it, too.
158
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:04,708
I definitely heard
the word "coup."
159
00:06:04,709 --> 00:06:05,749
- That's what he heard.
- Hey, hey.
160
00:06:05,750 --> 00:06:07,584
Keep your pants on, ladies.
I'll handle this.
161
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:12,666
Sir?
162
00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:16,292
I'm not talking to General
Won't Let Me Start a War.
163
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,541
Mr. President,
164
00:06:18,542 --> 00:06:21,375
is this about what
the mean man said on the TV?
165
00:06:21,376 --> 00:06:22,749
Maybe.
166
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,875
If you really want
to be popular,
167
00:06:25,876 --> 00:06:28,167
you don't use
the weapons of war.
168
00:06:28,168 --> 00:06:32,292
You use the strongest weapon
in the president's arsenal --
169
00:06:32,293 --> 00:06:34,167
the State of the Union
address.
170
00:06:34,168 --> 00:06:38,417
Every respected leader
has used the State of the Union
171
00:06:38,418 --> 00:06:43,041
to lay out an inspiring and
unified vision for the future.
172
00:06:43,042 --> 00:06:45,749
Franklin D. Roosevelt
and the New Deal,
173
00:06:45,750 --> 00:06:48,916
L.B.J.
and the Great Society,
174
00:06:48,917 --> 00:06:51,833
Ronald Reagan
and the smooth taste
175
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:53,916
of Chesterfield cigarettes.
176
00:06:53,917 --> 00:06:58,417
And now, President Trump,
it's your turn.
177
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:02,375
[crowd chanting
"Trump, Trump, Trump"]
178
00:07:02,376 --> 00:07:04,791
[horn blares]
179
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:07,708
[chanting continues]
180
00:07:07,709 --> 00:07:10,458
We've found
the president's tax returns.
181
00:07:10,459 --> 00:07:14,208
They say he's the richest man
in the world!
182
00:07:14,209 --> 00:07:16,041
[cheers and applause]
183
00:07:16,042 --> 00:07:17,584
Reporting for duty, sir!
184
00:07:18,959 --> 00:07:20,292
That's it!
185
00:07:20,293 --> 00:07:23,041
I'm gonna give the greatest
State of the Union address
186
00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:24,292
in history.
187
00:07:24,293 --> 00:07:25,708
Mark my words, I'm gonna --
188
00:07:25,709 --> 00:07:28,749
[grunting]
189
00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:31,167
That's the closest
I've gotten.
190
00:07:31,168 --> 00:07:33,000
Wow.
What a rush.
191
00:07:33,001 --> 00:07:34,541
I'm coming for you.
192
00:07:34,542 --> 00:07:35,875
But until then, I'm gonna win
193
00:07:35,876 --> 00:07:39,125
the State
of the fricking Union!
194
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,499
[echoing] Fricking Union!
Fricking Union!
195
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:43,916
Fricking Union!
196
00:07:43,917 --> 00:07:46,083
♪ solemn music plays ♪
Okay, Paul,
197
00:07:46,084 --> 00:07:49,417
before I lay out my vision
for the State of the Union,
198
00:07:49,418 --> 00:07:51,250
what's the House
pyrotechnics budget?
199
00:07:51,251 --> 00:07:52,916
We do not have one, sir.
200
00:07:52,917 --> 00:07:55,292
That said,
I love where your head's at.
201
00:07:55,293 --> 00:07:56,083
We should totally cap it off
202
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,541
with some sweet M80s,
right, Nuch?
203
00:07:58,542 --> 00:08:00,499
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
204
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:02,250
[all whooping]
205
00:08:02,251 --> 00:08:06,417
- Gentlemen, if I may...
- Whoo-whoo!
206
00:08:06,418 --> 00:08:09,541
Y'all looking at me
like I'm crazy.
207
00:08:09,542 --> 00:08:11,000
I didn't start
the whoo-whoos, did I?
208
00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:13,417
It's my solemn duty
to remind everyone
209
00:08:13,418 --> 00:08:18,292
the State of the Union is not
a self-aggrandizing spectacle.
210
00:08:18,293 --> 00:08:19,875
Ugh. Fine!
211
00:08:19,876 --> 00:08:22,708
I guess
I'll lay out an "agenda."
212
00:08:22,709 --> 00:08:25,666
Let's hear some lines
that'll get me a standing O.
213
00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:29,749
Poor people are gross, so let's
put smallpox all over pennies.
214
00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:32,125
Nuch Dog with a banger.
Keep it going.
215
00:08:32,126 --> 00:08:35,000
Too many people
die every day,
216
00:08:35,001 --> 00:08:37,875
and -- and their perfectly
good brains go to waste.
217
00:08:37,876 --> 00:08:41,375
We could use brain tissue
as insulation
218
00:08:41,376 --> 00:08:44,125
for drafty
office buildings
219
00:08:44,126 --> 00:08:47,624
or, um, little, uh --
little pillows for big dogs.
220
00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:49,624
These sound great.
I mean, that applause --
221
00:08:49,625 --> 00:08:51,125
It's gonna be huge.
222
00:08:51,126 --> 00:08:53,833
So huge that it might finally
fill the hole in my heart
223
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:56,167
left by my callous,
unloving father.
224
00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:57,750
[music stops]
225
00:09:00,625 --> 00:09:02,875
[unenthusiastically]
Whoo-whoo.
226
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,458
Well, how do we know
the meeting is over?
227
00:09:05,459 --> 00:09:08,334
Does someone say "ding-ding"
or "ding-dong"?
228
00:09:12,168 --> 00:09:13,916
Look, Mike,
I hate to do this,
229
00:09:13,917 --> 00:09:16,167
but I need to listen
to you.
230
00:09:16,168 --> 00:09:17,499
I need to get Melania
an anniversary gift.
231
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:21,292
What do you get the woman who
has the man who has everything?
232
00:09:21,293 --> 00:09:23,666
The Bible says in times of --
Skip it.
233
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:27,375
I got Karen and her closest
gal pals third-row tickets
234
00:09:27,376 --> 00:09:29,292
to Joel Osteen's
prayer fest.
235
00:09:29,293 --> 00:09:32,666
I would have joined them,
but my impure thoughts
236
00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:34,083
for an audiobook narrator
237
00:09:34,084 --> 00:09:36,708
forced me to take shelter in
the arms of God for the evening.
238
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:38,624
So, wait, wait.
239
00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:40,666
You pawned Karen off
on someone else?
240
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:44,417
Why, she loves spending time
with her fellow Christ-ettes.
241
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:47,541
Say, why don't we set up
the gals on a night out?
242
00:09:47,542 --> 00:09:48,541
Michael,
have you met Karen?
243
00:09:48,542 --> 00:09:51,208
It's like talking
to a human shower curtain.
244
00:09:51,209 --> 00:09:53,041
Why, thank you, sir.
245
00:09:53,042 --> 00:09:55,208
That's not a compliment,
Michael.
246
00:09:55,209 --> 00:09:58,167
And then Ohio came in,
and I was like, "Wow.
247
00:09:58,168 --> 00:10:00,208
I mean, I think
this might happen."
248
00:10:00,209 --> 00:10:01,417
Yeah, whatever, Dad.
249
00:10:01,418 --> 00:10:03,833
So, I know you said
we're out of our depth,
250
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:05,624
but we can boost
your image.
251
00:10:05,625 --> 00:10:07,375
Remember
when everyone said you were
252
00:10:07,376 --> 00:10:09,000
the dumbest person
in the world,
253
00:10:09,001 --> 00:10:11,041
then we showed up on TV,
254
00:10:11,042 --> 00:10:12,083
and they were like,
"We spoke too soon"?
255
00:10:12,084 --> 00:10:14,375
We could be
your new spokesmen.
256
00:10:14,376 --> 00:10:16,875
We should definitely get
Susan on the paperwork.
257
00:10:16,876 --> 00:10:18,375
Full disclosure, boys --
I sort of made up Susan
258
00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:21,749
so critics would think I had
someone doing paperwork.
259
00:10:21,750 --> 00:10:23,208
Wa-- Susan's not real?
260
00:10:23,209 --> 00:10:26,250
But she sounded so nice
on the phone.
261
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:27,292
That was Jared.
262
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,666
All right.
Forget Susan.
263
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:29,958
Imagine it, Dad.
264
00:10:29,959 --> 00:10:31,916
Your two sons on television,
265
00:10:31,917 --> 00:10:34,417
wearing makeup,
kicking ass.
266
00:10:34,418 --> 00:10:35,417
Interesting.
267
00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:36,583
Well, any man willing
268
00:10:36,584 --> 00:10:38,083
to put on makeup for me
has my trust.
269
00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:42,041
Go on TV,
but no Sunday shows.
270
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,000
Fuck yeah!
271
00:10:43,001 --> 00:10:45,083
Stick to friendly confines --
Hannity.
272
00:10:45,084 --> 00:10:47,125
But don't talk
about Russia.
273
00:10:47,126 --> 00:10:48,458
I'm good. It's Eric
you got to worry about it.
274
00:10:48,459 --> 00:10:52,041
Yeah, actually, Dad, uh,
it's me you got to worry about.
275
00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:54,083
Eric,
if you're ever in doubt,
276
00:10:54,084 --> 00:10:56,916
you just find a policeman
and tell him you're lost.
277
00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:58,417
All right, Chuck and Nancy,
278
00:10:58,418 --> 00:10:59,958
before you try
to slip your agenda
279
00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:01,167
into the State of the Union,
280
00:11:01,168 --> 00:11:03,041
just know
you can't soften me up
281
00:11:03,042 --> 00:11:04,624
with a bunch
of New York talk.
282
00:11:04,625 --> 00:11:06,250
Of course not,
Mr. President.
283
00:11:06,251 --> 00:11:07,791
We're not going to talk
about New York.
284
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,958
What about it?
285
00:11:09,959 --> 00:11:11,292
I was taking the Staten Island
ferry the other day.
286
00:11:11,293 --> 00:11:13,958
Empire State Building.
Hudson River.
287
00:11:13,959 --> 00:11:16,666
Katz's Deli.
Pizza!
288
00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:18,292
Uh, train track!
289
00:11:18,293 --> 00:11:19,624
[together] Central Park!
290
00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:21,458
Five.
Okay, you won me over.
291
00:11:21,459 --> 00:11:22,791
What do you want me to do?
292
00:11:22,792 --> 00:11:25,375
Just add the word "progress"
to your speech
293
00:11:25,376 --> 00:11:26,875
so we can tell our donors
294
00:11:26,876 --> 00:11:29,749
that you capitulated
to all our demands.
295
00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:31,125
You don't even have
to mean it.
296
00:11:31,126 --> 00:11:33,041
Now you're playing
to my strengths.
297
00:11:33,042 --> 00:11:35,167
And, by the way,
who's in charge of your party?
298
00:11:35,168 --> 00:11:36,958
Right now it seems
like a bunch of seagulls
299
00:11:36,959 --> 00:11:38,499
fighting over
a potato chip.
300
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,624
[gargling]
301
00:11:40,625 --> 00:11:42,542
[spits]
302
00:11:44,792 --> 00:11:45,624
Ted Cruz!
Aah!
303
00:11:45,625 --> 00:11:47,791
What the hell
are you doing here?
304
00:11:47,792 --> 00:11:48,916
What am I doing here?
305
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:49,916
What are you doing
to your teeth?
306
00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:51,000
I'm brushing them.
307
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:53,375
You got hair on your teeth?
308
00:11:53,376 --> 00:11:54,000
What am I missing here, Don?
309
00:11:54,001 --> 00:11:55,958
What do you want, Ted?
310
00:11:55,959 --> 00:11:58,333
I decided to pick the lock
on your bedroom,
311
00:11:58,334 --> 00:12:01,000
sneak into your shower,
and wait for you to come in
312
00:12:01,001 --> 00:12:03,499
so I could bounce a State
of the Union idea off you.
313
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,875
Oh, here we go.
Here's what I'm thinking.
314
00:12:05,876 --> 00:12:09,250
Around minute three, you pretend
like you've lost your place,
315
00:12:09,251 --> 00:12:12,167
say, "Oh, the hell with it,"
and let your good pal Ted Cruz
316
00:12:12,168 --> 00:12:13,167
take the reins.
No can do, Ted.
317
00:12:13,168 --> 00:12:15,583
But if it gets you
out of my bathroom,
318
00:12:15,584 --> 00:12:17,333
I'll tell people
you're not that bad of a guy
319
00:12:17,334 --> 00:12:18,583
so they stop judging a book
by its odor.
320
00:12:18,584 --> 00:12:22,375
That's got to be the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.
321
00:12:22,376 --> 00:12:25,708
And in return, I promise
not to stab you in the back
322
00:12:25,709 --> 00:12:26,916
for the sake of attention.
323
00:12:26,917 --> 00:12:28,250
Great.
Anything else?
324
00:12:28,251 --> 00:12:30,333
Now, is everyone
brushing their teeth,
325
00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:32,250
or is this, like,
an alternative-medicine thing?
326
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:35,250
As we all know,
President Trump and I
327
00:12:35,251 --> 00:12:37,333
haven't always seen
eye to eye,
328
00:12:37,334 --> 00:12:38,375
but our boy
has turned a corner
329
00:12:38,376 --> 00:12:42,499
and decided to do things
the Washington way,
330
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:47,541
and I have agreed to value
political expediency
331
00:12:47,542 --> 00:12:51,125
over my conscience.
[applause]
332
00:12:51,126 --> 00:12:53,167
♪ up-tempo music plays ♪
333
00:12:53,168 --> 00:12:54,375
Hannity!
334
00:12:54,376 --> 00:12:56,375
The American people all agree
335
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,375
that the Democrat
deserve to drown.
336
00:12:58,376 --> 00:13:01,041
Moving on,
let's welcome the greatest sons
337
00:13:01,042 --> 00:13:02,708
of the greatest president
in history.
338
00:13:02,709 --> 00:13:05,624
First, let me just say it's
an honor to be in the presence
339
00:13:05,625 --> 00:13:07,541
of what used to be
Donald Trump's sperm.
340
00:13:07,542 --> 00:13:09,875
I'm feeling the high.
Great to be here, man.
341
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:11,958
The presidency
is going so well.
342
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,666
Good morning, Sean.
343
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:14,791
I am Eric.
344
00:13:14,792 --> 00:13:16,583
Let's start
with the first question
345
00:13:16,584 --> 00:13:18,083
your dad
told me to ask you.
346
00:13:18,084 --> 00:13:20,167
Why are you good?
Uh, hate to interrupt, Sean,
347
00:13:20,168 --> 00:13:21,624
but I just need to say
right up front
348
00:13:21,625 --> 00:13:23,875
that we are not here
to talk about Russia.
349
00:13:23,876 --> 00:13:25,583
Of course. That's nonsense.
Russia doesn't exist.
350
00:13:25,584 --> 00:13:29,041
Dad told us we're not allowed
to talk about it.
351
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:30,499
Uh, that Russia stuff
is secret.
352
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,167
I doubt
we've even been to Russia.
353
00:13:32,168 --> 00:13:33,624
I do not recall.
Yes,
354
00:13:33,625 --> 00:13:35,167
and anyone
who says otherwise
355
00:13:35,168 --> 00:13:37,624
can join Democratic
drowning victims in hell.
356
00:13:37,625 --> 00:13:38,708
It's funny, Sean.
357
00:13:38,709 --> 00:13:41,083
The Russia stuff
is so good at being fake
358
00:13:41,084 --> 00:13:43,708
that it almost feels
entirely real.
359
00:13:43,709 --> 00:13:45,333
Totally.
But, like, if it was fake,
360
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:48,250
why would Dad be so mad
about it?
361
00:13:48,251 --> 00:13:49,458
You'd think he'd be like,
362
00:13:49,459 --> 00:13:51,875
"Oh, that's not a thing,
and we're moving on."
363
00:13:51,876 --> 00:13:53,499
Eric,
you're talking about it.
364
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:56,250
Shut up,
or Dad's gonna be so mad.
365
00:13:56,251 --> 00:13:58,958
Dad, we messed it up!
366
00:13:58,959 --> 00:14:01,417
You make it so hard.
[crying]
367
00:14:01,418 --> 00:14:02,749
Fuck you, Dad.
368
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:05,417
[voice breaking]
I'm sorry.
369
00:14:05,418 --> 00:14:07,791
When we come back,
370
00:14:07,792 --> 00:14:11,083
Rudy Giuliani and I
will talk over a black doctor,
371
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,125
and later, we'll watch an
American flag throw a football.
372
00:14:13,126 --> 00:14:15,833
Roll the reverse-mortgage ad.
373
00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:18,499
And then they called Wisconsin,
and I was president.
374
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:19,916
Do you want
to hear it again?
375
00:14:19,917 --> 00:14:21,458
Always.
376
00:14:21,459 --> 00:14:24,749
But, first, how's your State
of the Union address coming?
377
00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:26,624
Terrific.
Stephen Miller's writing it.
378
00:14:26,625 --> 00:14:29,958
I mean, that guy's incredible
at channeling my voice.
379
00:14:29,959 --> 00:14:33,083
Oh, Anamalick,
demon of the unheard,
380
00:14:33,084 --> 00:14:35,749
guide my syntax
that it may traverse
381
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,167
the valley of darkest woe.
382
00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:39,083
Ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot.
383
00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:41,292
That's great.
384
00:14:41,293 --> 00:14:43,666
And I've just been informed
of your anniversary.
385
00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:47,791
So, what do you have planned
with the little lady?
386
00:14:47,792 --> 00:14:49,916
Well, I'd love to say,
but I really don't like
387
00:14:49,917 --> 00:14:51,791
to throw my wealth
in people's faces.
388
00:14:51,792 --> 00:14:53,083
Ah, come on, Donald.
389
00:14:53,084 --> 00:14:55,041
We're all pretending
to be friends here.
390
00:14:55,042 --> 00:14:56,833
Okay, okay.
391
00:14:56,834 --> 00:15:00,000
It was gonna be a big surprise,
but here it is --
392
00:15:00,001 --> 00:15:01,624
limo, dinner,
393
00:15:01,625 --> 00:15:05,292
a tremendous luxurious night
on the town
394
00:15:05,293 --> 00:15:07,833
for you and Karen Pence.
395
00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:10,167
[applause]
396
00:15:10,168 --> 00:15:11,958
Don't wait up, boys.
397
00:15:11,959 --> 00:15:14,833
We're going
to a restaurant.
398
00:15:14,834 --> 00:15:17,000
Karen Pence?
399
00:15:17,001 --> 00:15:19,666
She doesn't even know
the first thing about fashion.
400
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:21,375
She told me
her favorite designer
401
00:15:21,376 --> 00:15:22,958
is Cracker Barrel
gift shop.
402
00:15:22,959 --> 00:15:24,375
Honey,
until I get a better job,
403
00:15:24,376 --> 00:15:25,541
we're stuck here,
so make nice with Karen.
404
00:15:25,542 --> 00:15:27,916
[Cruz] Unh-unh-unh!
No tartar in Texas!
405
00:15:27,917 --> 00:15:29,167
Oh, no.
406
00:15:29,168 --> 00:15:30,417
What's Ted Cruz doing now?
Mnh-mnh-mnh!
407
00:15:30,418 --> 00:15:32,583
When I heard the president
and his phony-baloney cronies
408
00:15:32,584 --> 00:15:36,208
in Washingtoni-ony
were working on an agenda
409
00:15:36,209 --> 00:15:39,375
that will bankrupt
regular folks, I thought,
410
00:15:39,376 --> 00:15:42,041
"What is the most callous,
most self-serving thing
411
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,208
that I can do?"
412
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:45,708
And here I am, Ted Cruz!
413
00:15:45,709 --> 00:15:48,875
Calling for a boycott of
the State of the Union address.
414
00:15:48,876 --> 00:15:53,375
Additionally, I will be moving
forward on brushing my teeth.
415
00:15:53,376 --> 00:15:56,375
Just need to find a toothpaste
that goes down smooth.
416
00:15:56,376 --> 00:15:59,041
We know we screwed up by making
a passing reference to Russia,
417
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:00,749
but we can fix this.
418
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:03,666
We just have to get everyone
to feel really bad for us.
419
00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:06,167
And so Eric's gonna go,
and he's gonna disappear
420
00:16:06,168 --> 00:16:07,541
into
the Bermuda Triangle.
421
00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:10,541
Really, Eric?
You're okay with this?
422
00:16:10,542 --> 00:16:12,167
Yeah. I mean,
I'm sort of just hearing it
423
00:16:12,168 --> 00:16:14,333
for the first time now.
424
00:16:14,334 --> 00:16:15,833
You know what?
You've done enough.
425
00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:17,749
You'd better hope
my brain makes me tweet
426
00:16:17,750 --> 00:16:19,417
something
that distracts the media.
427
00:16:19,418 --> 00:16:21,833
It's really anyone's guess
until I get on that toilet.
428
00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:25,000
And the dog on my dress
is chasing a bone,
429
00:16:25,001 --> 00:16:27,125
and the bone
is on my back.
430
00:16:27,126 --> 00:16:28,083
Oh, my God.
431
00:16:28,084 --> 00:16:31,875
Now, here's where things
get really kooky.
432
00:16:31,876 --> 00:16:34,167
This dress has pockets.
433
00:16:34,168 --> 00:16:35,583
More wine!
434
00:16:35,584 --> 00:16:36,833
You know what you need,
Melanarnia?
435
00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:41,791
You have this look that says,
"I'm not from around here."
436
00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:45,666
What if I told you my gay barber
stays open late on Mondays?
437
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:46,250
Ooh!
438
00:16:46,251 --> 00:16:48,499
Honey, I think --
439
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:51,125
Do not talk to me
right now.
440
00:16:51,126 --> 00:16:54,666
All I was gonna say is
that you look like Karen Pence.
441
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:57,708
She tried to baptize me
in reflecting pool.
442
00:16:57,709 --> 00:16:59,458
Would it kill you to go
with the flow
443
00:16:59,459 --> 00:17:01,292
of the life
I blundered us into?
444
00:17:01,293 --> 00:17:05,167
Donald, when I moved here,
you were the only thing I knew.
445
00:17:05,168 --> 00:17:06,292
You were my home.
446
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:09,624
But when you act like this,
I feel like a refugee.
447
00:17:09,625 --> 00:17:11,624
So, tomorrow,
I go back to New York.
448
00:17:11,625 --> 00:17:14,417
Katz Deli.
I mean don't go, don't go.
449
00:17:14,418 --> 00:17:15,791
Good night, Donald.
450
00:17:15,792 --> 00:17:16,292
Good night, LaGuardia.
451
00:17:16,293 --> 00:17:19,208
I mean Melania.
452
00:17:19,209 --> 00:17:27,125
♪♪
453
00:17:27,126 --> 00:17:27,958
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
454
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:30,041
Uhh!
455
00:17:30,042 --> 00:17:31,458
Uhh...
456
00:17:31,459 --> 00:17:32,541
Oh, God.
457
00:17:32,542 --> 00:17:35,167
[man]
Where's your fire truck, loser?
458
00:17:35,168 --> 00:17:37,666
[crowd booing]
459
00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:40,125
We found
Trump's tax return.
460
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:43,333
Turns out,
he's only very rich!
461
00:17:43,334 --> 00:17:45,833
Melania,
will you marry me?
462
00:17:45,834 --> 00:17:47,583
Yes, Colin!
463
00:17:47,584 --> 00:17:49,499
Hey, Donald!
464
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:51,000
I used your toothbrush.
465
00:17:51,001 --> 00:17:55,958
[laughing maniacally]
466
00:17:55,959 --> 00:17:57,083
Ah, Ted Cruz!
467
00:17:57,084 --> 00:18:01,208
That's a menace!
468
00:18:01,209 --> 00:18:04,168
[soothing music plays]
469
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:08,499
He's a war hero
'cause he was captured.
470
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,583
I like people
that weren't captured, okay?
471
00:18:10,584 --> 00:18:12,375
I hate to tell you.
472
00:18:12,376 --> 00:18:13,958
But what we want to do
473
00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:15,666
is to replenish
the Social Security trust fund.
474
00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:17,125
Such a nasty woman.
475
00:18:17,126 --> 00:18:19,708
Look at that.
I was so young.
476
00:18:19,709 --> 00:18:23,333
They're bringing crime.
They're rapists.
477
00:18:23,334 --> 00:18:26,333
And some, I assume,
are good people.
478
00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:29,041
It's amazing.
I still have that same suit.
479
00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:30,208
...what we're getting.
480
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:32,541
And it only makes common sense.
481
00:18:32,542 --> 00:18:34,916
When did I lose my way, boys?
482
00:18:34,917 --> 00:18:36,250
It's this city.
483
00:18:36,251 --> 00:18:40,125
It's these Washington losers
with the "you can't say that"
484
00:18:40,126 --> 00:18:42,749
and "you can't put a mini-fridge
in your bathroom.
485
00:18:42,750 --> 00:18:44,958
It would be 'unhygienic.'"
486
00:18:44,959 --> 00:18:46,208
Here's the deal.
487
00:18:46,209 --> 00:18:48,916
Washington's gonna criticize us
no matter what we do.
488
00:18:48,917 --> 00:18:51,624
So we should just do us,
which is you.
489
00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:54,125
I want to see the guy
who sued my mom,
490
00:18:54,126 --> 00:18:56,375
the guy who totally owned
a Gold Star family
491
00:18:56,376 --> 00:18:57,791
on national television,
492
00:18:57,792 --> 00:19:01,333
the guy who slapped me when
I underordered at Chili's.
493
00:19:01,334 --> 00:19:02,417
You're right.
494
00:19:02,418 --> 00:19:04,958
See this guy.
"Uh, I don't know what I said.
495
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:06,417
Uh, I don't remember!"
496
00:19:06,418 --> 00:19:08,333
That's the real Donald Trump.
"I don't remember."
497
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:11,292
That's who's gonna win
the State of the Union.
498
00:19:11,293 --> 00:19:13,083
Uh, what should we do?
499
00:19:13,084 --> 00:19:14,749
Just do
what you do best, boys,
500
00:19:14,750 --> 00:19:16,666
which, to be clear,
is nothing.
501
00:19:16,667 --> 00:19:19,791
Got it. We'll do
the most nothing ever, Dad.
502
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:25,250
♪♪
503
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:28,041
Tonight is President Trump's
first State of the Union,
504
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:29,458
and everyone's wondering,
"What will he do?"
505
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,791
Will he embrace Washington
506
00:19:31,792 --> 00:19:34,250
or take a 40-minute call
with Carl Icahn?
507
00:19:34,251 --> 00:19:35,292
Make it up the podium stairs
508
00:19:35,293 --> 00:19:38,125
or deliver the address
from the doorway?
509
00:19:38,126 --> 00:19:40,375
Mr. President,
510
00:19:40,376 --> 00:19:44,125
I present "State of the Union
2018: Blood Horizon."
511
00:19:44,126 --> 00:19:47,375
Allow me to read you one
of the more tame passages.
512
00:19:47,376 --> 00:19:50,125
And, lo,
the tide of Caucasian might
513
00:19:50,126 --> 00:19:51,875
will crush down
on the shore of Chicago,
514
00:19:51,876 --> 00:19:56,125
turning Lake Michigan seas
red with the blood
515
00:19:56,126 --> 00:19:57,208
of the
irredeemably unemployed.
516
00:19:57,209 --> 00:20:00,083
Great stuff. We can use it
for another speech.
517
00:20:00,084 --> 00:20:02,417
I'll tell Susan
to keep it on file.
518
00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:06,083
♪♪
519
00:20:06,084 --> 00:20:09,292
Melania, the State of the Union
is about to start.
520
00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:10,541
I'm going to New York.
521
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,833
I have tickets to Stomp
in six hours.
522
00:20:12,834 --> 00:20:16,000
Melania, I know
you didn't want to come here.
523
00:20:16,001 --> 00:20:17,208
None of us did.
524
00:20:17,209 --> 00:20:20,958
But Hillary didn't go to
Wisconsin, so here we are.
525
00:20:20,959 --> 00:20:22,833
And we have to make
the best of a bad situation.
526
00:20:22,834 --> 00:20:25,541
[Kushner]
Come on, babe, time to go.
527
00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:27,875
We can chitchat
when we're all in prison.
528
00:20:27,876 --> 00:20:29,666
♪ epic music plays ♪
529
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:32,333
I told you guys
not to do anything.
530
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:34,458
We just wanted to show you that
we're not bad at everything.
531
00:20:34,459 --> 00:20:38,000
♪ Duh-da-da-da ♪
532
00:20:38,001 --> 00:20:39,499
Do you like it?
533
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:40,833
Wow.
534
00:20:40,834 --> 00:20:44,666
When you guys confirmed my ties
to a hostile foreign power,
535
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:49,458
I'll admit I was pretty miffed,
but this is awesome!
536
00:20:49,459 --> 00:20:51,541
Dad, how about a hug?
537
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:53,833
I'd love that, but maybe
close your mouth first.
538
00:20:53,834 --> 00:20:55,791
I don't want to have
to change my suit.
539
00:20:55,792 --> 00:20:57,208
Oh, it is closed.
540
00:20:57,209 --> 00:20:58,499
Don, am I crazy?
Is it open?
541
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:00,541
Yeah, Dad, it's open.
542
00:21:00,542 --> 00:21:03,208
It's always open.
543
00:21:03,209 --> 00:21:05,375
[gavel banging]
544
00:21:05,376 --> 00:21:08,624
Mr. Speaker,
545
00:21:08,625 --> 00:21:12,333
the President
of the United States' son.
546
00:21:12,334 --> 00:21:14,041
Ladies and gentlemen,
547
00:21:14,042 --> 00:21:16,333
America is on fire,
548
00:21:16,334 --> 00:21:20,208
and there's only one man
who can put it out --
549
00:21:20,209 --> 00:21:26,833
President Donald J. Truuuuump!
550
00:21:26,834 --> 00:21:28,875
[dramatic music plays]
551
00:21:28,876 --> 00:21:31,666
[cheers and applause]
552
00:21:31,667 --> 00:21:33,875
♪♪
553
00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:37,666
[engine starts, siren wails]
554
00:21:37,667 --> 00:21:41,958
My fellow Americans,
555
00:21:41,959 --> 00:21:44,417
the State of the Union is...
556
00:21:44,418 --> 00:21:46,208
[horn honking]
557
00:21:46,209 --> 00:21:48,250
[cheers and applause]
558
00:21:48,251 --> 00:21:48,749
I love you, Dad.
559
00:21:48,750 --> 00:21:51,500
I love me, too!
560
00:21:53,459 --> 00:21:58,749
The next seven years
will be tremendous!
561
00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:01,708
First,
I'm gonna finish this speech,
562
00:22:01,709 --> 00:22:04,083
and it's gonna be
a huge success!
563
00:22:04,084 --> 00:22:06,458
Then we're gonna take
all the Time's Up pins
564
00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:09,125
and melt them into guns.
565
00:22:09,126 --> 00:22:13,583
And during sweeps week,
get your passports ready,
566
00:22:13,584 --> 00:22:17,708
because we're taking
the whole country to Hawaii!
567
00:22:17,709 --> 00:22:21,458
[cheers and applause]
568
00:22:21,459 --> 00:22:23,125
Okay, folks,
569
00:22:23,126 --> 00:22:25,292
let's bang out
these special guests.
570
00:22:25,293 --> 00:22:26,458
Bing, bang, boom.
571
00:22:26,459 --> 00:22:28,083
We got cop, fireman,
woman thing,
572
00:22:28,084 --> 00:22:31,708
science guy,
the sandwich named after me.
573
00:22:31,709 --> 00:22:33,250
They're all patriots, folks.
574
00:22:33,251 --> 00:22:34,583
[cheers and applause]
575
00:22:34,584 --> 00:22:36,583
Loving it!
576
00:22:36,584 --> 00:22:39,791
You know, ever since I won
the Electoral College
577
00:22:39,792 --> 00:22:42,417
by the largest margin
in history,
578
00:22:42,418 --> 00:22:44,791
Washington has tried
to box me in,
579
00:22:44,792 --> 00:22:47,292
make me say dumb dictionary
words like "progress,"
580
00:22:47,293 --> 00:22:51,458
and give handshakes that end
the same day they began,
581
00:22:51,459 --> 00:22:53,375
but that's not who I am.
582
00:22:53,376 --> 00:22:59,250
Donald Trump thinks freely,
brags bigly, and bings bongly!
583
00:22:59,251 --> 00:23:00,167
One moment, I'm talking cake,
584
00:23:00,168 --> 00:23:03,083
and the next,
I'm threatening nukes!
585
00:23:03,084 --> 00:23:04,000
[applause]
586
00:23:04,001 --> 00:23:05,167
I'm gonna get it,
587
00:23:05,168 --> 00:23:06,791
and I'm not giving it back!
588
00:23:06,792 --> 00:23:08,834
We'll see how you'll like it.
589
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:12,041
But what I want to talk to you
about right now
590
00:23:12,042 --> 00:23:16,916
is my wife, Ivana --
Ivanka, Melanka -- Melania.
591
00:23:16,917 --> 00:23:18,749
Yes, Melania.
592
00:23:18,750 --> 00:23:21,499
She gave up a lot
to be here in Washington --
593
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,916
escalators, pizza,
594
00:23:23,917 --> 00:23:26,292
and I don't thank her enough.
595
00:23:26,293 --> 00:23:28,083
[cheers and applause]
596
00:23:28,084 --> 00:23:29,541
I don't thank you enough
either.
597
00:23:29,542 --> 00:23:32,000
Oh, thank you, Jared.
598
00:23:32,001 --> 00:23:35,208
If you loved me, you'd tell
your dad to fire me.
599
00:23:35,209 --> 00:23:37,958
Oh, Jared,
that will never happen.
600
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:41,208
That is why, in the spirit of
returning to my impulsive ways,
601
00:23:41,209 --> 00:23:45,250
that I'm gonna name Melania --
oh, I don't know --
602
00:23:45,251 --> 00:23:46,499
national bird.
603
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:47,458
Do we like that?
[cheers and applause]
604
00:23:47,459 --> 00:23:48,708
We like it.
605
00:23:48,709 --> 00:23:50,667
Come on up, Bird.
606
00:23:52,917 --> 00:23:55,916
How do you like
your anniversary gift?
607
00:23:55,917 --> 00:23:57,541
You're back.
608
00:23:57,542 --> 00:23:58,333
[applause]
609
00:23:58,334 --> 00:24:01,000
Wow,
look at these gibblets!
610
00:24:01,001 --> 00:24:02,541
All the fixings!
611
00:24:02,542 --> 00:24:04,666
You all want
to hear a bird sound?
612
00:24:04,667 --> 00:24:05,833
Caw-caw!
Caw-caw!
613
00:24:05,834 --> 00:24:09,208
She's working on it, folks.
614
00:24:09,209 --> 00:24:10,042
[applause]
615
00:24:12,042 --> 00:24:14,875
I give the president's speech
a 10.
616
00:24:14,876 --> 00:24:17,333
10 over here.
Brian?
617
00:24:17,334 --> 00:24:21,083
I'm gonna say a 9.9
because, again,
618
00:24:21,084 --> 00:24:24,125
a tiny part of my brain --
and it's so small --
619
00:24:24,126 --> 00:24:26,624
but it's screaming that all
of this is completely wrong.
620
00:24:26,625 --> 00:24:29,000
I'll take it.
621
00:24:29,001 --> 00:24:31,458
Melania, I won
the State of the Union,
622
00:24:31,459 --> 00:24:34,499
and I couldn't have done it
without you staying quiet
623
00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:36,333
about the porn star
I paid off.
624
00:24:36,334 --> 00:24:39,250
I feel like I won
the State of the Union.
625
00:24:39,251 --> 00:24:41,333
Right. Well,
you kind of didn't,
626
00:24:41,334 --> 00:24:43,916
because it turns out there's
already a national bird.
627
00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:45,749
Not a lot of people
know that.
628
00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:47,583
But there is
some good news.
629
00:24:47,584 --> 00:24:49,791
What's this?
630
00:24:49,792 --> 00:24:53,541
An executive order proclaiming
that I tried to make you happy.
631
00:24:53,542 --> 00:24:55,624
Donald, thank you.
632
00:24:55,625 --> 00:24:57,624
[smooching]
633
00:24:57,625 --> 00:24:58,666
More good news.
634
00:24:58,667 --> 00:25:01,541
My State of the Union ratings
were so high,
635
00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:03,791
they asked me to do it again
next year!
636
00:25:03,792 --> 00:25:05,292
Yay!
637
00:25:05,293 --> 00:25:06,499
♪ rock music plays ♪
638
00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:09,833
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
639
00:25:09,834 --> 00:25:13,292
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
640
00:25:13,293 --> 00:25:15,749
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
641
00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:17,125
♪ Yes, he is ♪
642
00:25:17,126 --> 00:25:20,333
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
643
00:25:20,334 --> 00:25:23,000
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
644
00:25:23,001 --> 00:25:24,458
♪ Yes, he is ♪
645
00:25:24,459 --> 00:25:27,458
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
646
00:25:27,459 --> 00:25:33,376
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
647
00:25:33,917 --> 00:25:36,375
♪ Donald Trump ♪
648
00:25:36,376 --> 00:25:39,791
♪ He is our president ♪
649
00:25:39,792 --> 00:25:43,250
♪ We made him president ♪
650
00:25:43,251 --> 00:25:45,624
♪ We did it ♪
651
00:25:45,625 --> 00:25:49,541
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
652
00:25:49,542 --> 00:25:52,624
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
653
00:25:52,625 --> 00:25:56,125
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
654
00:25:56,126 --> 00:25:59,666
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
655
00:25:59,667 --> 00:26:02,458
♪ Yeah ♪
656
00:26:02,459 --> 00:26:04,666
Trump!
657
00:26:04,667 --> 00:26:06,393
Gotcha.
Let's have some fun.
48261
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