All language subtitles for the owl and the pussycat english dvd
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1
00:03:10,150 --> 00:03:15,349
Well, it's raining and I can't get
a cab, and I haven't any money anyway.
2
00:03:15,510 --> 00:03:19,742
What the hell? He's probably just
a nice guy who wants to help a girl.
3
00:03:19,910 --> 00:03:24,426
Just some rich, nice-looking guy
who will give me a lift home.
4
00:03:24,590 --> 00:03:26,308
Yeah, that's all.
5
00:03:26,470 --> 00:03:29,746
Nope, that ain't all.
6
00:04:30,390 --> 00:04:31,903
Sherman.
7
00:04:33,950 --> 00:04:35,986
Good evening, Mr. Rapzinsky.
8
00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:38,220
- What is?
- Is letter.
9
00:04:38,390 --> 00:04:44,101
Pick up and throw in garbage. Not
on nice floor. I, Rapzinsky, say this.
10
00:04:44,590 --> 00:04:47,423
Sorry to take you away
from your basement.
11
00:04:47,590 --> 00:04:52,744
I know you work to keep the building
on
House & Garden's "10 Best" list.
12
00:04:52,910 --> 00:04:54,901
Yes, Mr. Rapzinsky?
13
00:04:55,070 --> 00:04:58,028
- Still making the noise.
- What noise is that?
14
00:04:58,190 --> 00:05:00,340
Tic-tac, tic-tac.
15
00:05:00,510 --> 00:05:04,298
My typewriter makes that sound
when I press on the keys.
16
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:09,339
This is how I produce the stories
and the novels I write. I am a writer.
17
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,183
- I got complaint again.
- From whom?
18
00:05:12,350 --> 00:05:14,500
No matter. She say you make noise.
19
00:05:14,710 --> 00:05:17,508
Don't make no more.
I, Rapzinsky, say this.
20
00:05:17,670 --> 00:05:19,388
Is that all?
21
00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:26,708
Then I will go up to my apartment.
You can go back and sit in your tire.
22
00:05:30,510 --> 00:05:34,867
National Weather Summary.
Severe weather along the coast...
23
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:37,100
... Sunday afternoon and evening.
24
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:40,387
Towering rainstorms spawn strong
winds, large hail and heavy rain.
25
00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:42,703
Lieutenant, do you think Cole did it?
26
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:47,660
It could be Cole, I don't know.
I do know that...
27
00:06:51,470 --> 00:06:52,823
All right, all right.
28
00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:56,983
You're surrounded, Vincent. Give up.
29
00:07:10,270 --> 00:07:14,104
Rapzinsky? Mr. Sherman.
30
00:07:14,270 --> 00:07:17,501
Yes. I think there's something
you should know.
31
00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:27,702
Mr. Sherman.
32
00:07:28,870 --> 00:07:30,940
Mr. Sherman?
33
00:07:42,030 --> 00:07:43,463
What do you want?
34
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:46,906
- I have to see you, Mr. Sherman.
- Who are you?
35
00:07:47,070 --> 00:07:50,506
You don't know me,
but it's terribly important.
36
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:52,069
Please!
37
00:07:52,230 --> 00:07:56,018
- We don't open the door after midnight.
- We?
38
00:07:56,190 --> 00:07:59,307
Wolf and I.
Wolf is a Doberman pinscher.
39
00:07:59,470 --> 00:08:02,940
Please, it's a matter
of life and death.
40
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,625
Sit, Wolf. Come on, boy, sit.
41
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:10,180
Sit, Wolf, sit. Sit, Wolf.
42
00:08:15,950 --> 00:08:17,588
Someone chasing you?
43
00:08:17,750 --> 00:08:20,628
I can't discuss it through the door.
44
00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:22,860
- Are you alone?
- Yes.
45
00:08:23,030 --> 00:08:25,146
- Swear.
- Yes, goddamn it.
46
00:08:25,310 --> 00:08:27,949
Say, "As God is my judge, I'm alone."
47
00:08:28,110 --> 00:08:32,865
As God is my judge, I am a little girl
all alone here in the hallway.
48
00:08:40,830 --> 00:08:44,982
Hello, pansy! Fink! You rat!
You fruitcake! Ratfink fruitcake!
49
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:47,710
- You lied about your size.
- You lied about your dog.
50
00:08:47,870 --> 00:08:49,701
How do you know?
51
00:08:49,870 --> 00:08:52,623
Creeps like you don't have
dogs named Wolf.
52
00:08:52,790 --> 00:08:56,465
You have little faggy things
called Pooky and Doo-Doo.
53
00:08:56,630 --> 00:08:58,541
You have the wrong apartment.
54
00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:03,022
Don't try to cop out. I got
the right one and the right fairy.
55
00:09:03,190 --> 00:09:06,660
- You're suffering a paranoid delusion.
- What?
56
00:09:06,990 --> 00:09:10,266
You're extrapolating from
your sordid environment.
57
00:09:10,430 --> 00:09:13,388
- If I weren't refined, I'd beat you.
- You're insane.
58
00:09:13,550 --> 00:09:16,508
This from a queer
who peeps in girls' windows.
59
00:09:16,670 --> 00:09:21,107
- What are you talking about?
- A rat who squeals to the super...
60
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:24,740
...because a girl is entertaining
a gentleman friend.
61
00:09:24,910 --> 00:09:28,698
- And accepting a large tip.
- That's a confession!
62
00:09:28,870 --> 00:09:34,786
You're a peeping Tom. The only thing
worse is a squealer, and you're both.
63
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:37,669
Look, I sense that you're upset...
64
00:09:37,830 --> 00:09:40,981
You must have eyes like a vulture.
65
00:09:41,150 --> 00:09:45,063
- If you'd close your window shades...
- It's too damn hot.
66
00:09:45,230 --> 00:09:50,429
- Friction, no doubt.
- What's that? Some kind of dirty joke?
67
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:55,141
Friction. Oh, yeah, I get it.
Something you wouldn't know about.
68
00:09:55,310 --> 00:09:57,949
The guys you pick up
are air-conditioned.
69
00:09:58,110 --> 00:10:00,988
- I'm getting angry.
- Gonna claw my eyes out?
70
00:10:01,150 --> 00:10:04,222
- I'm getting angry.
- Or get a boyfriend to beat me?
71
00:10:04,390 --> 00:10:07,382
- I'm angry.
- Where are you going?
72
00:10:08,990 --> 00:10:11,663
I'm calling the police.
73
00:10:22,910 --> 00:10:27,108
Why does this kind of stuff always
happen to me?
74
00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:30,344
Look, please don't do that.
75
00:10:31,190 --> 00:10:34,341
There's no point in crying.
It doesn't solve...
76
00:10:34,510 --> 00:10:36,705
Who's crying?
77
00:10:38,910 --> 00:10:41,185
Why not return to your apartment...?
78
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:44,387
- That son of a bitch threw me out.
- What?
79
00:10:44,550 --> 00:10:46,939
- I said Raspinasky...
- Rapzinsky.
80
00:10:47,110 --> 00:10:49,499
- He threw me out.
- Threw you out?
81
00:10:49,670 --> 00:10:52,059
- You were gonna call the cops.
- I was...?
82
00:10:52,230 --> 00:10:55,586
- Are you a parrot?
- I said nothing about the police.
83
00:10:55,750 --> 00:10:58,947
I said something was going
on in an apartment.
84
00:10:59,110 --> 00:11:03,342
Oh, why me? Or is it just girls
in general that you hate?
85
00:11:05,590 --> 00:11:09,424
- Look, could you cry someplace else?
- I'm not crying!
86
00:11:09,830 --> 00:11:11,980
You're getting my typewriter wet.
87
00:11:12,150 --> 00:11:14,380
- You're creepy.
- The keys will rust.
88
00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:17,269
- Where would you like me to cry?
- Detroit?
89
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,308
Give me 5 bucks
and I'll go find a room.
90
00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:22,938
Don't worry, I'll pay you back.
91
00:11:23,110 --> 00:11:27,706
I don't have any money. I was paid
today and I didn't cash my check.
92
00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:30,827
That figures.
93
00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:34,662
Finks never have any money.
94
00:11:39,590 --> 00:11:42,582
What about the money
your friend gave you?
95
00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:45,389
Raspinas...
Whatever his name is, he took it.
96
00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:49,589
He said if I gave it to him
he'd cover up with the cops.
97
00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:52,258
That was a despicable thing to do.
98
00:11:52,430 --> 00:11:55,024
Yeah. What's that mean?
99
00:11:55,710 --> 00:11:58,907
- What does what mean?
- What you said. "Despicable."
100
00:11:59,070 --> 00:12:02,949
- It means he's a rotten person.
- That's his excuse. What's yours?
101
00:12:03,110 --> 00:12:06,102
- What's my what?
- Why did you rat on me?
102
00:12:06,270 --> 00:12:10,024
- Why did you complain about my typing?
- That's why?
103
00:12:10,190 --> 00:12:12,579
- I had a bad day.
- You had a bad day?
104
00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:17,266
I lost my job. I got thrown out.
I'm broke. It's raining.
105
00:12:17,430 --> 00:12:20,149
I'm stuck in a crummy room
with a pervert!
106
00:12:20,310 --> 00:12:25,020
- At least you've got your health.
- Very funny. You're one hell of a...
107
00:12:31,390 --> 00:12:33,301
Wait a minute.
108
00:12:36,390 --> 00:12:39,939
- It's 3 in the morning.
- You watched me with these?
109
00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:43,227
You're no amateur peeping Tom,
you're a pro.
110
00:12:43,390 --> 00:12:47,178
- Not so loud.
- With the naked eye, it's just dirty.
111
00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:50,660
When you have to work
at it this hard, it's filth.
112
00:12:50,830 --> 00:12:53,390
You ought to be ashamed!
You're disgusting!
113
00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:57,862
- Did you take pictures of me?
- It's part of my work, my studies.
114
00:12:58,030 --> 00:13:02,740
- Studying to be a gynaecologist?
- I'm a writer. I observe people.
115
00:13:02,910 --> 00:13:06,107
Writers write.
Peeping Toms look through windows.
116
00:13:06,270 --> 00:13:09,945
Incredible. I'm being lectured
to by a berserk whore.
117
00:13:10,110 --> 00:13:13,307
I am not a whore, you hear!
I'm a model...
118
00:13:13,470 --> 00:13:16,348
...and an actress!
- Now you've done it.
119
00:13:16,510 --> 00:13:21,265
- We'll both get thrown out.
- I appeared in two TV commercials.
120
00:13:22,830 --> 00:13:26,061
- I've appeared in magazines.
- All right. Shush.
121
00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:30,746
- And newspapers. It's true.
- Shush. All right.
122
00:13:31,590 --> 00:13:35,219
Hello. Hi. Hello, Mr. Rapzinsky.
123
00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:39,019
Yes, I know. I know.
124
00:13:39,190 --> 00:13:41,021
Yes, it's 3:00.
125
00:13:41,190 --> 00:13:45,502
A friend of... Yes, I will.
126
00:13:58,430 --> 00:14:00,990
Where'd you go, tootsie?
127
00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:06,422
Hiding under the covers
from the big, bad lady?
128
00:14:13,830 --> 00:14:16,264
Open this door, please.
129
00:14:20,790 --> 00:14:23,702
- Who's out there?
- It's just me, Mr. Sherman.
130
00:14:23,870 --> 00:14:26,430
- Who?
- Sherman. Felix Sherman.
131
00:14:26,590 --> 00:14:28,820
- What are you doing?
- I live here.
132
00:14:28,990 --> 00:14:30,708
- Where?
- In this apartment.
133
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,748
Don't yell at me.
Do you know what time it is?
134
00:14:33,910 --> 00:14:37,141
- Could I climb through your window...?
- Watch out!
135
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:41,144
Stay where you are. Don't come
any closer. I got a broom.
136
00:14:41,310 --> 00:14:46,145
Look, I've locked myself out.
Believe me, I'm completely unarmed.
137
00:14:46,310 --> 00:14:48,983
He's going to expose himself!
138
00:14:54,510 --> 00:14:57,104
Hey, Sherman, where are you?
139
00:14:57,270 --> 00:14:59,989
I'm out in the hall.
140
00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:04,263
- What are you doing out there?
- I'm locked out.
141
00:15:04,710 --> 00:15:07,178
- You sure it's you?
- Positive.
142
00:15:07,350 --> 00:15:09,910
- Are you alone?
- Of course I'm alone.
143
00:15:10,070 --> 00:15:11,628
- Swear.
- What?
144
00:15:11,790 --> 00:15:16,341
Swear to me you are just a
little fruit all alone in the hallway.
145
00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:22,020
Did you hurt yourself, honey?
146
00:15:22,190 --> 00:15:25,341
I think I've got
about a dollar and a half.
147
00:15:25,510 --> 00:15:28,502
I'll give it to you
and then you'll go away.
148
00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:31,787
- A whole dollar and a half.
- Almost $1.75.
149
00:15:31,950 --> 00:15:35,306
- Now I can go to Europe.
- What about the YWCA?
150
00:15:35,470 --> 00:15:38,348
For $1.75?
That Christian the YWCA is not.
151
00:15:38,510 --> 00:15:43,823
If "I, Rapzinsky" finds out you're
here, he'll throw me, Sherman, out.
152
00:15:43,990 --> 00:15:49,110
Wouldn't that be terrible to get
thrown out in the middle of the night?
153
00:15:49,270 --> 00:15:53,582
I'm going to sleep. And I'll be
out of here tomorrow morning...
154
00:15:53,750 --> 00:15:59,541
...because I don't want to look at your
face any more than I have to. Okay?
155
00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:01,302
- Okay.
- Where's your TV?
156
00:16:01,470 --> 00:16:05,907
- I'm proud to say I don't have one.
- I can't go to sleep without it.
157
00:16:06,070 --> 00:16:09,267
- Use your set.
- I can't. He busted it.
158
00:16:09,430 --> 00:16:13,981
He came charging in and he ripped
the cord out with his bare claws.
159
00:16:14,150 --> 00:16:18,109
I've had this set eight years.
Eight years next August.
160
00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:24,186
If he hurt it, if any of those tubes
or anything are broken...
161
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:27,501
...I swear, I'm gonna murder him.
162
00:16:42,230 --> 00:16:44,380
What's the matter?
163
00:16:44,550 --> 00:16:46,541
You expecting company?
164
00:16:46,710 --> 00:16:50,180
This is an expensive creation.
I sent away for it.
165
00:16:50,350 --> 00:16:53,899
- Did it come in plain brown wrap?
- It's a modelling outfit.
166
00:16:54,070 --> 00:16:59,542
- You model for the Boston Strangler?
- If you're nice, I'll let you wear it.
167
00:16:59,830 --> 00:17:02,902
Let's get one thing straight, Doris.
168
00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:06,107
- How did you know my name?
- It's written there.
169
00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:09,660
Who gave you permission
to read my panties?
170
00:17:10,350 --> 00:17:12,068
Good night.
171
00:17:22,390 --> 00:17:25,860
Hey. What were you gonna say?
172
00:17:35,510 --> 00:17:40,743
Can you talk to me for a few minutes?
I can't go to sleep cold turkey.
173
00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:45,389
We have nothing to say.
We do not speak the same language.
174
00:17:45,550 --> 00:17:49,020
Oh, come on. I won't hurt you.
175
00:17:50,350 --> 00:17:54,423
- You don't have to be scared of me.
- Do you mind?!
176
00:17:55,230 --> 00:17:59,382
- Almost caught you, didn't I?
- Put down the shade and go away.
177
00:17:59,550 --> 00:18:02,940
Why? You think
you got something special?
178
00:18:03,110 --> 00:18:07,388
- Got something I haven't seen?
- One of the very few, no doubt.
179
00:18:07,550 --> 00:18:11,623
You gotta get over this terrible fear
of the opposite sex.
180
00:18:13,070 --> 00:18:16,745
- Get out of here.
- You live in a sexual twilight world...
181
00:18:16,910 --> 00:18:21,665
Goddamn it, I'm as normal as you are.
Let me rephrase that.
182
00:18:21,830 --> 00:18:24,583
What are you so ashamed of?
183
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:28,379
- I'm not ashamed of anything.
- Oh, yeah?
184
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:32,619
Oh, God. That's what I get
for laughing so hard.
185
00:19:37,150 --> 00:19:39,618
I'm sorry I laughed.
186
00:19:41,870 --> 00:19:46,227
I mean, honest, cross my heart,
I wasn't laughing at you, anyway.
187
00:19:46,390 --> 00:19:50,622
I was laughing at the situation.
188
00:19:52,670 --> 00:19:54,670
I mean it.
189
00:19:56,510 --> 00:20:00,500
I mean it, cross my heart.
You're a perfectly nice-looking person.
190
00:20:01,304 --> 00:20:03,132
Nothing wrong with you at all.
191
00:20:04,190 --> 00:20:05,828
Hold your breath.
192
00:20:05,990 --> 00:20:08,743
It never works.
193
00:20:10,230 --> 00:20:13,347
Take 10 sips of water.
194
00:20:13,710 --> 00:20:17,623
No good.
You gotta scare me.
195
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:22,549
- I've got to scare you?
- It's the only thing that works.
196
00:20:22,710 --> 00:20:27,340
- You might hiccup yourself to sleep.
- It's a strain on my heart!
197
00:20:27,510 --> 00:20:31,264
Stop fooling around and scare me,
or I'll scream. Come on.
198
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:34,263
You're waiting for me to frighten you?
199
00:20:34,430 --> 00:20:37,103
- Put me off my guard.
- Off your guard?
200
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:41,309
Of course, dummy.
Change the subject. Distract me.
201
00:20:41,470 --> 00:20:44,542
- Okay. Nice weather we're having.
- It's raining.
202
00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:48,749
- It's warmer than this time last year.
- I was in Chicago then.
203
00:20:48,910 --> 00:20:50,866
- Fascinating city.
- It stinks!
204
00:20:51,030 --> 00:20:54,784
- Do I have to hiccup to death?
- I'm putting you off guard.
205
00:20:54,950 --> 00:20:56,941
- I am!
- You're expecting it.
206
00:20:57,110 --> 00:21:00,659
I am not expecting it.
Will you come on?
207
00:21:06,030 --> 00:21:08,180
You're right. I was expecting it.
208
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:12,423
I'm going to sleep.
I don't care what you do. Good night.
209
00:21:14,350 --> 00:21:17,979
You dirty, heartless son of a bitch!
210
00:21:28,470 --> 00:21:32,304
Hey, you got anything to drink?
211
00:21:33,190 --> 00:21:35,340
You got any Coca-Cola?
212
00:21:36,990 --> 00:21:40,380
- Hey, Tinkerbell!
- In the icebox.
213
00:21:41,070 --> 00:21:44,949
I could die,
for all that pervert cares.
214
00:21:50,110 --> 00:21:54,149
Nobody gives a damn
about anybody anymore.
215
00:22:06,310 --> 00:22:10,940
What's the matter with you?
You crazy? For Christ's sake!
216
00:22:11,870 --> 00:22:15,749
I told you to scare me,
not give me a heart attack.
217
00:22:41,150 --> 00:22:44,108
Get your hands off me, you creep.
218
00:22:51,630 --> 00:22:54,463
- Get her.
- Up yours!
219
00:23:35,110 --> 00:23:37,544
This makes three.
220
00:23:37,710 --> 00:23:41,862
- Three what?
- Three times I've been on TV.
221
00:23:43,990 --> 00:23:47,027
This could be your big break.
222
00:24:16,110 --> 00:24:18,988
- What happened?
- I know this is an imposition.
223
00:24:19,150 --> 00:24:21,664
- What happened?
- If there were any other...
224
00:24:21,830 --> 00:24:23,707
What happened, Felix?
225
00:24:23,870 --> 00:24:25,070
Felix?
226
00:24:25,750 --> 00:24:28,628
We've... We've been evicted.
227
00:24:28,790 --> 00:24:31,588
- Hello.
- I'm Doris. Pleased to meet you.
228
00:24:31,750 --> 00:24:34,947
- I'm Barney.
- I plan to take this to the courts...
229
00:24:35,110 --> 00:24:38,466
Why don't you tell me
about it in the morning?
230
00:24:39,590 --> 00:24:40,790
Felix?
231
00:24:41,430 --> 00:24:43,386
This is a peculiar situation.
232
00:24:43,550 --> 00:24:47,304
Doris and I met this evening
for the first time...
233
00:24:47,470 --> 00:24:49,745
...although we lived
in the same building.
234
00:24:49,910 --> 00:24:54,301
I didn't have any cash,
or we would have gone to a hotel.
235
00:24:54,470 --> 00:24:56,904
To separate hotels.
Separate rooms.
236
00:24:57,070 --> 00:24:59,630
You're straight, huh?
237
00:25:02,710 --> 00:25:08,182
I didn't... Barney, you should have
told me you were entertaining.
238
00:25:08,350 --> 00:25:12,901
We certainly wouldn't
have interrupted anything.
239
00:25:13,070 --> 00:25:17,461
- You want to use the bathroom?
- Certainly not.
240
00:25:18,190 --> 00:25:20,306
Thank you, though.
241
00:25:20,670 --> 00:25:22,865
Thanks for everything.
242
00:25:36,390 --> 00:25:38,699
Listen, if there's anything I can...
243
00:25:55,150 --> 00:25:58,301
- Felix.
- Yes?
244
00:25:58,510 --> 00:26:01,070
I mean, that's really your name?
Felix?
245
00:26:01,230 --> 00:26:04,506
Is something wrong with Felix?
246
00:26:05,990 --> 00:26:10,939
- Kind of eeuuchy-sounding, isn't it?
- I'm not familiar with "eeuuchy."
247
00:26:11,110 --> 00:26:15,900
If you could stretch your meagre
vocabulary to eke out a definition...
248
00:26:16,070 --> 00:26:21,588
I mean, Felix is a good name
for a pet snail.
249
00:26:21,750 --> 00:26:25,265
Thanks. I know you're not
well-versed in etymology...
250
00:26:25,430 --> 00:26:27,102
You bet your ass I'm not.
251
00:26:27,270 --> 00:26:31,582
- "Felix" means "happy and lucky."
- That's you. A happy, lucky snail.
252
00:26:31,750 --> 00:26:33,627
Thank you, Doris.
253
00:26:33,790 --> 00:26:37,260
- What do you mean, "Doris"?
- Doris, a helpless, hopeless hustler.
254
00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:40,263
I got two things to say!
One, I'm not a hustler!
255
00:26:40,430 --> 00:26:45,106
I'm a model and an actress.
I've appeared in three TV commercials.
256
00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:48,501
Three? You must have made
another in the elevator.
257
00:26:48,670 --> 00:26:50,626
Okay, okay! Maybe it was two.
258
00:26:50,790 --> 00:26:54,419
But I've appeared in many
magazines and newspapers...
259
00:26:54,590 --> 00:26:56,899
...and I have been in a movie.
260
00:26:57,070 --> 00:27:00,585
And in between assignments,
you're for rent.
261
00:27:00,750 --> 00:27:06,143
I've only done that a couple of times
and only with respectable people...
262
00:27:06,310 --> 00:27:10,701
...under emergency conditions. It's
something you wouldn't understand.
263
00:27:10,870 --> 00:27:11,939
What is?
264
00:27:12,110 --> 00:27:16,308
That I may be a prostitute,
but I am not promiscuous.
265
00:27:16,470 --> 00:27:20,099
You're right. It's a subtle
distinction. I take it back.
266
00:27:20,270 --> 00:27:24,707
You're an example of capitalism at its
most efficient. You take resources...
267
00:27:24,870 --> 00:27:29,022
...add the cost of labour
and sell the product for a profit.
268
00:27:29,190 --> 00:27:31,750
I didn't follow that,
but it felt insulting.
269
00:27:31,910 --> 00:27:36,586
Nope. It was just a statement
of the way things are.
270
00:28:20,710 --> 00:28:23,702
Are you planning to sleep
in that position?
271
00:28:23,870 --> 00:28:27,499
It's a habit I got from watching
TV at night.
272
00:28:40,430 --> 00:28:44,708
- You had two things to say to me.
- I did?
273
00:28:45,070 --> 00:28:47,265
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
274
00:28:47,790 --> 00:28:54,184
I just happen to know what the name
Doris means because I looked it up.
275
00:28:55,070 --> 00:28:58,107
So I guess you don't know everything.
276
00:29:01,950 --> 00:29:05,829
You don't know what the name
Doris means, do you, Dr. IQ?
277
00:29:10,030 --> 00:29:12,180
Would you like me to tell you...
278
00:29:12,350 --> 00:29:16,343
...what the name Doris means?
Would you like to learn something?
279
00:29:18,990 --> 00:29:21,663
If it will help you sleep.
280
00:29:23,150 --> 00:29:27,302
The name "Doris" means
"a Dorian woman."
281
00:29:28,270 --> 00:29:32,343
- And what is a Dorian woman?
- Beats the shit out of me.
282
00:29:33,550 --> 00:29:36,508
Very nice. Do you want
to turn out the light?
283
00:29:36,670 --> 00:29:39,059
- I can't go to sleep yet.
- But I can.
284
00:29:39,270 --> 00:29:42,501
Well, you're a very fortunate person.
285
00:29:50,510 --> 00:29:54,549
It's nice to be able to go to sleep
whenever you want to.
286
00:30:00,350 --> 00:30:04,662
Once I do go to sleep,
I do sleep very soundly, you know.
287
00:30:08,070 --> 00:30:09,788
Like a log.
288
00:30:11,270 --> 00:30:13,500
Like a corpse.
289
00:30:15,190 --> 00:30:19,069
But it's very hard for me
to get to sleep once I'm awake.
290
00:30:22,710 --> 00:30:28,068
I had this shrink once who said
it was because I was afraid of dying.
291
00:30:28,710 --> 00:30:30,302
I don't know.
292
00:30:30,470 --> 00:30:32,267
I think that...
293
00:30:32,430 --> 00:30:38,869
I think that it... I got this...
I got too much of this stuff called...
294
00:30:40,470 --> 00:30:42,381
...adrenalint.
295
00:30:43,070 --> 00:30:45,630
That I got, you know?
296
00:30:56,070 --> 00:31:00,621
See, like when I'm lying very still,
I can feel it, you know?
297
00:31:01,430 --> 00:31:03,430
Sort of...
298
00:31:03,790 --> 00:31:06,350
...going up my body.
299
00:31:06,510 --> 00:31:09,343
In all my organs.
300
00:31:11,270 --> 00:31:14,670
My arms. My legs.
301
00:31:15,830 --> 00:31:18,219
Like energy.
302
00:31:18,470 --> 00:31:21,223
Like electricity.
303
00:31:21,870 --> 00:31:25,749
Like Lon Chaney, you know,
in the
Man Made Monster?
304
00:31:25,910 --> 00:31:30,825
Where they experiment on him by giving
him big hunks of electricity...
305
00:31:30,990 --> 00:31:32,662
...until he damn near glows.
306
00:31:32,830 --> 00:31:36,379
After he kills someone,
he's put in the electric chair...
307
00:31:36,550 --> 00:31:39,747
...where they give him
50,000 volts of electricity.
308
00:31:39,910 --> 00:31:41,980
This makes him mad as hell.
309
00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:45,825
So he busts loose,
and when they try to grab him...
310
00:31:45,990 --> 00:31:50,905
...they realize all he has to do is
slip them a goose and they would fry.
311
00:31:51,070 --> 00:31:53,823
Can you imagine
what that must be like?
312
00:31:53,990 --> 00:31:56,379
What is it?!
Why are you doing this?!
313
00:31:56,550 --> 00:32:00,862
- What's the matter?
- I've been up since yesterday morning.
314
00:32:01,030 --> 00:32:03,828
My body is yearning for sleep,
desperately.
315
00:32:03,990 --> 00:32:08,427
I have things to do today. I would
like to be awake when I do them.
316
00:32:08,910 --> 00:32:13,904
I am not blessed with excess
adrenaline. I am cursed by the need...
317
00:32:14,070 --> 00:32:18,621
...once every day or so, to close
my eyes and to actually sleep.
318
00:32:18,790 --> 00:32:23,739
"To actually sleep." You've got me
so punchy I'm splitting infinitives!
319
00:32:23,910 --> 00:32:28,665
My mind is cracking. Soon I won't
be responsible for my actions!
320
00:32:28,830 --> 00:32:33,699
- You're a tiger when you're aroused.
- Please! Please, Doris!
321
00:32:33,870 --> 00:32:38,898
I'm asking you, in the name
of everything we hold sacred...
322
00:32:39,070 --> 00:32:40,628
...go to sleep.
323
00:32:40,790 --> 00:32:45,625
I'm sorry, but I can't fall asleep
without the TV on. It soothes me.
324
00:32:45,790 --> 00:32:50,500
- How about a sleeping pill?
- They're too enervating.
325
00:32:51,110 --> 00:32:53,226
- Did you hear what I said?
- What?
326
00:32:53,390 --> 00:32:57,269
- I said pills are too enervating.
- Yes, I heard that.
327
00:32:57,430 --> 00:33:00,820
- You know what "enervating" means?
- Yes, I do.
328
00:33:00,990 --> 00:33:05,461
People think it means the opposite
of what it means. But it doesn't.
329
00:33:05,630 --> 00:33:09,225
- No, words rarely do.
- Do what?
330
00:33:09,390 --> 00:33:15,101
Mean the opposite of what they mean.
My God, I'm starting to talk like her!
331
00:33:15,350 --> 00:33:19,059
Hey, maybe you could borrow
a TV set from next door?
332
00:33:29,350 --> 00:33:31,705
What are you doing?
333
00:33:32,070 --> 00:33:35,142
Then there's no way
to prove my innocence?
334
00:33:35,310 --> 00:33:39,144
Don't worry. Before he died,
the old Indian confessed.
335
00:33:39,310 --> 00:33:42,382
He told us everything.
Everything?
336
00:33:42,550 --> 00:33:47,260
Yes, everything about the money.
They found it where he buried it...
337
00:33:47,430 --> 00:33:51,343
...next to the old cross on the hill.
And about Louise.
338
00:33:51,510 --> 00:33:56,300
Louise, is she...?
Yes, but she'll never walk again.
339
00:33:56,470 --> 00:33:57,670
Never?
340
00:33:57,990 --> 00:34:03,622
At least, not until next week when
she walks down the aisle with you.
341
00:34:03,790 --> 00:34:07,066
But, Dad, I thought...
No, no, son.
342
00:34:07,230 --> 00:34:09,744
Your mother and I
found her years ago.
343
00:34:09,910 --> 00:34:15,507
A tiny thing she was, half-dead
with exposure, in Samson's Gulch.
344
00:34:15,670 --> 00:34:17,900
- Then...?
- That's right, son...
345
00:34:18,070 --> 00:34:23,508
...Louise is not your sister.
But that's another story.
346
00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:30,781
Just time for a wrap-up of tonight's
headlines before we sign off.
347
00:34:30,950 --> 00:34:35,068
The body of writer Felix Sherman
was found early this morning.
348
00:34:35,230 --> 00:34:39,542
Autopsy reports show the cause
of death was aggravated exhaustion.
349
00:34:39,710 --> 00:34:42,543
And that's this evening's headlines.
350
00:34:42,710 --> 00:34:46,828
Tonight's sermonette deals
with God's greatest gift to man:
351
00:34:46,990 --> 00:34:49,060
The power of sleep.
352
00:34:49,230 --> 00:34:52,700
Sleep that refreshes the body
and nourishes the mind.
353
00:34:52,870 --> 00:34:56,385
Sleep that knits up
the ravelled sleeve of care.
354
00:34:56,550 --> 00:35:00,020
Sleep that seizes minister,
priest and rabbi alike...
355
00:35:00,190 --> 00:35:04,627
...without regard for colour
or national origin.
356
00:35:13,310 --> 00:35:18,942
This is FELIX-TV,
the Sherman station, signing off...
357
00:35:19,110 --> 00:35:20,623
...forever.
358
00:35:24,070 --> 00:35:26,903
That was terrific.
That was really terrific!
359
00:35:27,070 --> 00:35:30,301
- Don't get up.
- You must be a terrific writer.
360
00:35:30,470 --> 00:35:33,143
- Please don't get up.
- I gotta get water.
361
00:35:33,310 --> 00:35:36,268
- Did you write for TV?
- Oh, my God, she's up.
362
00:35:36,430 --> 00:35:38,546
- Did you write for TV?
- She's up.
363
00:35:38,710 --> 00:35:41,224
No, I never wrote
for the lobotomy box.
364
00:35:41,390 --> 00:35:44,666
- Did you write for movies?
- No, I didn't.
365
00:35:44,830 --> 00:35:47,788
- That's too bad.
- They don't seem to think so.
366
00:35:47,950 --> 00:35:52,819
I love the movies. I used to go
every night to 42nd Street.
367
00:35:52,990 --> 00:35:57,347
But somebody was always sitting
next to me, trying something weird.
368
00:35:57,510 --> 00:36:00,343
- Ever try reading?
- That wouldn't stop them.
369
00:36:00,630 --> 00:36:05,181
No, I don't mean in the theatre.
Did you ever try reading a book?
370
00:36:05,350 --> 00:36:09,343
I used to read
Playboy all the time
until I got mad at them.
371
00:36:09,510 --> 00:36:10,510
Why?
372
00:36:10,910 --> 00:36:15,665
Well, I posed for these terrific
Playmate of the Month things, you know?
373
00:36:15,830 --> 00:36:19,459
- Yeah, what happened?
- They sent them back.
374
00:36:20,030 --> 00:36:22,783
I know the feeling.
375
00:36:32,510 --> 00:36:34,710
Hey, Felix.
376
00:36:38,910 --> 00:36:40,707
You wanna fool around?
377
00:36:42,550 --> 00:36:46,463
No, I do not want to fool around.
378
00:36:46,630 --> 00:36:50,748
Okay. Want a drink of water?
379
00:36:50,910 --> 00:36:55,426
I know this will come as a great
surprise, but I would like to sleep.
380
00:36:55,590 --> 00:36:58,662
- Could you tell me a story?
- It's impossible.
381
00:36:58,830 --> 00:37:02,869
Just tell me a story
and I swear I will go to sleep.
382
00:37:03,030 --> 00:37:04,782
What kind of story?
383
00:37:05,030 --> 00:37:07,783
You know, like a good movie story.
384
00:37:07,950 --> 00:37:11,499
Sorry, I don't know the story
of
The Sound of Music.
385
00:37:11,670 --> 00:37:14,867
Oh, no. Not that terrible thing.
386
00:37:15,470 --> 00:37:17,700
You thought it was terrible?
387
00:37:17,870 --> 00:37:20,668
Four times, I saw that terrible movie.
388
00:37:20,830 --> 00:37:24,664
- You must have really hated it.
- Nearly killed my friend Eleanor.
389
00:37:24,830 --> 00:37:28,823
In the balcony of the RKO 86th Street,
now torn down.
390
00:37:29,030 --> 00:37:31,908
- Yes?
- It was playing continuous.
391
00:37:32,070 --> 00:37:34,345
No intermission.
392
00:37:34,510 --> 00:37:38,389
- Get it?
- Not quite.
393
00:37:39,030 --> 00:37:42,022
Her bladder burst.
394
00:37:43,550 --> 00:37:47,429
- There's a lesson there for all of us.
- What about my story?
395
00:37:47,590 --> 00:37:52,141
- I plan to have a nightmare. Listen in.
- The stories in your suitcase?
396
00:37:52,310 --> 00:37:54,665
They are works in progress.
397
00:37:54,830 --> 00:37:58,140
Read me some of them.
I'm interested. I really am.
398
00:37:58,670 --> 00:38:01,503
- You would not understand.
- How do you know?
399
00:38:01,670 --> 00:38:06,425
It has no beautiful people,
no hit songs, no happy ending.
400
00:38:06,910 --> 00:38:09,663
Maybe I can show you
where you went wrong.
401
00:38:09,830 --> 00:38:13,709
I went wrong when I opened
my front door at 2 this morning.
402
00:38:13,870 --> 00:38:17,419
Read me your stuff
and I'll never ask anything again.
403
00:38:17,590 --> 00:38:21,060
I dig the sound of your voice.
It's very enervating.
404
00:38:21,230 --> 00:38:24,461
You know what that means?
Oh, I told you.
405
00:38:24,630 --> 00:38:27,428
Come on, read me a story.
406
00:38:27,590 --> 00:38:29,945
I don't want to read you my story.
407
00:38:30,110 --> 00:38:33,898
Isn't there any other way
you can fall asleep?
408
00:38:34,110 --> 00:38:36,943
- I'll read you my story.
- Great!
409
00:38:37,990 --> 00:38:42,347
I'm a terrific audience.
I bet I'm asleep before page two.
410
00:38:42,510 --> 00:38:45,502
That would be a compliment.
411
00:39:08,510 --> 00:39:12,105
"Scream. Chapter One: The City."
412
00:39:12,270 --> 00:39:15,785
"Scream." That's the title, right?
Scream?
413
00:39:15,950 --> 00:39:16,950
Yes.
414
00:39:17,710 --> 00:39:20,622
- "The City."
- That's a wild title.
415
00:39:20,790 --> 00:39:22,109
Thank you.
416
00:39:22,270 --> 00:39:27,344
"The city came to life. The sun spit
morning into Julian's face.
417
00:39:27,510 --> 00:39:30,707
Traffic's symphony responded
to day's downbeat...
418
00:39:30,870 --> 00:39:33,748
...as a million souls wrapped
in the cocoon of sleep..."
419
00:39:33,910 --> 00:39:35,946
The sun spit morning?
420
00:39:36,110 --> 00:39:39,386
"As a million souls wrapped
in the cocoon..."
421
00:39:39,550 --> 00:39:43,338
The sun spit morning
into this guy's face?
422
00:39:43,510 --> 00:39:48,504
- That was the image, yes.
- His face got morning spit into it?
423
00:39:48,990 --> 00:39:53,745
- I told you, you wouldn't like it.
- You said I wouldn't understand it.
424
00:39:53,910 --> 00:39:57,425
I understand it,
but I don't dislike it. I hate it!
425
00:39:57,590 --> 00:40:01,026
- It wasn't written for you.
- Who was it written for?
426
00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:05,069
What right have you got to say
a terrible thing like that?
427
00:40:05,230 --> 00:40:09,542
What are you yelling about?
It's a simple metaphor, that's all.
428
00:40:09,710 --> 00:40:14,830
That is not all! The sun spit
morning into this guy's face!
429
00:40:16,030 --> 00:40:18,100
We didn't wake you, did we?
430
00:40:18,270 --> 00:40:21,103
Oh, no. Not at all.
431
00:40:21,270 --> 00:40:24,421
We thought we'd go watch
the garbage collectors.
432
00:40:24,590 --> 00:40:27,468
Get a jump on the crowd.
433
00:40:27,630 --> 00:40:30,588
I'm sorry if we caused you
any disturbance.
434
00:40:30,750 --> 00:40:35,778
No, really. We planned to take
a drive today in the country anyway.
435
00:40:35,950 --> 00:40:38,464
And since the sun has begun to spit...
436
00:40:38,630 --> 00:40:43,226
...we thought we'd get out early
and catch some of the morning drool.
437
00:40:51,670 --> 00:40:55,743
I sure hope I didn't embarrass you
with your friend.
438
00:40:58,270 --> 00:41:01,626
Hey, that's not his old lady, is it?
439
00:41:03,030 --> 00:41:06,067
He's a very nice-looking person.
440
00:41:09,230 --> 00:41:12,905
You know, you're not so bad yourself.
I'm not kidding.
441
00:41:14,950 --> 00:41:17,942
Hey, aren't you gonna
talk to me anymore?
442
00:41:19,070 --> 00:41:20,270
Hello?
443
00:41:22,390 --> 00:41:25,268
I'm sorry if I used
all that vulgar language...
444
00:41:25,430 --> 00:41:28,183
...and that you got bounced
out of your place.
445
00:41:28,350 --> 00:41:30,910
I was so goddamn...
I mean gosh-darn mad.
446
00:41:31,070 --> 00:41:36,781
You had every right. Considering the
facts, your conduct was exemplary.
447
00:41:36,950 --> 00:41:39,066
You sure know some big words.
448
00:41:39,230 --> 00:41:41,619
Language is my business.
449
00:41:41,910 --> 00:41:45,505
- You okay in there?
- Yes.
450
00:41:49,310 --> 00:41:53,701
- What you doing?
- Brushing my teeth.
451
00:41:54,110 --> 00:41:56,305
Make much money at it?
452
00:41:56,510 --> 00:42:00,059
Brushing my teeth isn't
the attraction it used to be.
453
00:42:00,270 --> 00:42:04,263
- No, dummy, I meant writing.
- I don't write to make money.
454
00:42:04,470 --> 00:42:06,586
But you'd take it if they paid?
455
00:42:06,750 --> 00:42:11,221
Yes, but it would be inconsistent
with my aesthetic responsibilities.
456
00:42:11,390 --> 00:42:13,699
I understood "with" and "my."
457
00:42:13,910 --> 00:42:19,303
They would give me money to write
their way. I want to write my way.
458
00:42:19,510 --> 00:42:23,059
Well, I guess they figure
it's their money.
459
00:42:24,630 --> 00:42:28,703
Yes, I think that's
the way they figure.
460
00:42:43,150 --> 00:42:45,710
Good night, Doris.
461
00:43:11,070 --> 00:43:13,948
- Why did you do that?
- This is a double bed.
462
00:43:14,150 --> 00:43:15,550
I know.
463
00:43:16,030 --> 00:43:18,419
I feel selfish sleeping alone
in a bed...
464
00:43:18,590 --> 00:43:22,060
...when there are people in China
sleeping on the ground.
465
00:43:22,230 --> 00:43:24,869
- I'll just make it up again.
- I'll do it.
466
00:43:25,070 --> 00:43:30,098
- I'm quite capable of doing it myself.
- Look, I unmade it. I'll make it!
467
00:43:30,310 --> 00:43:34,303
- I said I'll do it! I'll do it!
- Look...
468
00:43:35,950 --> 00:43:37,150
Doris!
469
00:43:37,430 --> 00:43:40,149
- You kind of get to me.
- Come on, Doris!
470
00:43:40,350 --> 00:43:44,423
- Baby, I am coming on.
- I'm about to give you a thrashing!
471
00:43:44,630 --> 00:43:47,224
- I dig tough guys.
- Violence is not me.
472
00:43:47,430 --> 00:43:49,944
I dig gentle guys.
I know you want it.
473
00:43:50,150 --> 00:43:52,710
- I'm not an animal.
- You'll love it.
474
00:43:52,910 --> 00:43:56,459
I'm not governed by my appetites.
I'm an intellectual.
475
00:43:56,670 --> 00:43:59,104
My life is governed by my mind!
476
00:43:59,310 --> 00:44:02,143
- Look, baby...
- I am not "baby," I am Felix.
477
00:44:02,310 --> 00:44:06,349
I don't care about your past.
I've been with guys who were ACIDC.
478
00:44:06,590 --> 00:44:11,710
Goddamn it, I am not ACIDC! Can't you
understand that? I am totally DC!
479
00:44:11,950 --> 00:44:14,510
If you want to,
just give me your hand.
480
00:44:14,710 --> 00:44:20,103
Close your eyes and pretend I'm a guy.
A guy with a really screwed-up shape.
481
00:44:23,110 --> 00:44:26,147
Wow, that was terrific!
482
00:44:33,030 --> 00:44:35,100
- I'll get it.
- I can get it.
483
00:44:35,310 --> 00:44:36,868
- I got it!
- Let me do it!
484
00:44:37,070 --> 00:44:41,109
- You're making it tighter.
- I can do it. I'm used to this.
485
00:44:41,310 --> 00:44:46,100
- Let me untie it. Let me help, baby.
- Get it. Get it.
486
00:44:46,310 --> 00:44:49,746
- Let me do it.
- You're making it tighter.
487
00:44:49,950 --> 00:44:52,305
Wait a minute.
488
00:44:52,910 --> 00:44:55,947
- I got it.
- Give it to me.
489
00:44:58,190 --> 00:45:01,546
- Watch it! Watch out!
- Shit!
490
00:45:02,070 --> 00:45:05,107
Wait a minute. Just...
Oh, you mother!
491
00:45:05,310 --> 00:45:07,778
- Don't point down!
- Wait. Come here!
492
00:45:08,030 --> 00:45:11,227
- Easy! All right. Okay.
- Here it goes!
493
00:45:18,670 --> 00:45:21,389
No, that's not it.
That's not it, honey.
494
00:45:21,590 --> 00:45:26,505
- Give me a hint.
- No, no. You have to undo it.
495
00:45:26,710 --> 00:45:29,099
- Does it hinge or something?
- Yeah.
496
00:45:29,310 --> 00:45:32,905
- No, that's not it.
- Do I have to say a secret word?
497
00:45:33,110 --> 00:45:36,147
Can I please help?
Let go! Don't tear it!
498
00:45:36,390 --> 00:45:41,100
- Is this thing a decal or something?
- I'll do it! I'll do it!
499
00:46:03,750 --> 00:46:05,627
What do you think?
500
00:46:14,510 --> 00:46:18,059
Do that some more.
Do that some more. Come on, baby.
501
00:46:18,270 --> 00:46:20,738
- Come on, baby!
- I'm not "baby."
502
00:46:20,990 --> 00:46:23,345
- Keep it up, lover!
- I'm not "lover."
503
00:46:23,590 --> 00:46:25,706
Yeah, come on.
504
00:46:28,110 --> 00:46:29,702
Good, good, good.
505
00:46:29,910 --> 00:46:32,902
Attaboy, attaboy. Yeah, very good.
506
00:46:33,110 --> 00:46:35,908
Put your hand there.
Under there, yeah.
507
00:46:36,110 --> 00:46:40,900
- Doris, please!
- Wait, let me get my leg over.
508
00:46:41,110 --> 00:46:42,310
Doris?
509
00:46:43,950 --> 00:46:46,589
Good. How does that feel?
510
00:46:46,830 --> 00:46:49,105
How's that feel? Is it good?
511
00:46:49,310 --> 00:46:55,499
Could you please refrain from talking
so much? It's ruining my concentration.
512
00:46:55,710 --> 00:46:59,589
- What am I, a chess problem?
- Just shut up!
513
00:47:05,270 --> 00:47:09,104
Doris, please! Please, Doris!
514
00:47:09,310 --> 00:47:11,904
Come on, Doris!
515
00:47:13,070 --> 00:47:18,463
- What's the matter?
- Just a simple respect for tradition.
516
00:47:19,030 --> 00:47:22,386
Anything you say, Mr. Sherman.
517
00:47:40,110 --> 00:47:42,101
What's your last name?
518
00:47:46,030 --> 00:47:47,588
Waverly.
519
00:47:48,310 --> 00:47:50,824
Are you sure?
520
00:47:50,990 --> 00:47:56,189
Sure, I'm sure. It's just that
you asked me so suddenly.
521
00:47:56,950 --> 00:48:02,547
Well, actually, I am
in between names right now.
522
00:48:02,750 --> 00:48:08,905
I tried Wadsworth for a while,
and Wellington.
523
00:48:09,110 --> 00:48:12,420
But, at the moment, it's Waverly.
524
00:48:13,510 --> 00:48:16,229
Why do you keep changing it?
525
00:48:16,390 --> 00:48:20,702
It's important for an actress
to have a catchy name, you know?
526
00:48:20,870 --> 00:48:23,668
Something that the audience
can remember...
527
00:48:23,830 --> 00:48:27,425
...and that sounds kind of classy.
Don't you think?
528
00:48:27,590 --> 00:48:31,469
I think it's important
for an actress to have some talent...
529
00:48:31,670 --> 00:48:33,547
- I got talent!
- I didn't mean...
530
00:48:33,710 --> 00:48:38,943
I got plenty of talent. Just because I
don't talk good, you think I'm dumb.
531
00:48:39,150 --> 00:48:43,382
Doris, I am telling you,
you are not dumb.
532
00:48:43,910 --> 00:48:47,266
- You're not just being polite?
- No.
533
00:48:47,870 --> 00:48:50,338
Well, you're wrong.
534
00:48:51,030 --> 00:48:55,660
Half the time, I don't understand you.
Those big words really bug me.
535
00:48:55,830 --> 00:49:01,427
- Big words are not intrinsically...
- Again! I don't know what that means.
536
00:49:01,590 --> 00:49:04,309
- Why do you get angry?
- Why do I get angry?
537
00:49:04,470 --> 00:49:08,588
Suppose I said I spent time
stoobulating. What would you think?
538
00:49:08,750 --> 00:49:12,709
I would think that that shows
you have imagination.
539
00:49:13,830 --> 00:49:17,220
Not anybody can make up a word
like "stubbulating."
540
00:49:17,390 --> 00:49:18,425
Stoobulating.
541
00:49:18,590 --> 00:49:24,859
The fact that you get upset when you
don't understand shows your curiosity.
542
00:49:26,070 --> 00:49:29,380
- Yeah, that's a great attribute.
- Watch it.
543
00:49:29,630 --> 00:49:31,143
Quality.
544
00:49:39,190 --> 00:49:43,945
Hey, I really do like talking
to you, you know?
545
00:49:44,110 --> 00:49:45,748
Thank you.
546
00:49:47,990 --> 00:49:49,590
I bet...
547
00:49:50,790 --> 00:49:55,739
...if we had a good conversation,
say, once a day...
548
00:49:55,910 --> 00:49:58,868
...I could learn
a hell of a lot.
549
00:49:59,030 --> 00:50:02,545
There are aspects of life
I could learn from you.
550
00:50:02,710 --> 00:50:05,508
You bet your ass.
551
00:50:07,030 --> 00:50:11,308
- Let me ask you something...
- How do you like Washington?
552
00:50:11,470 --> 00:50:13,938
Washington, you like it?
553
00:50:14,110 --> 00:50:20,424
- Well, it's an exciting town.
- Washington! Doris Washington.
554
00:50:21,430 --> 00:50:23,739
That's very nice.
555
00:50:24,150 --> 00:50:26,903
Listen, Doris Washington,
tell me something.
556
00:50:30,030 --> 00:50:34,023
I can't help being curious about...
557
00:50:35,230 --> 00:50:37,186
- No, never mind.
- What is it?
558
00:50:37,350 --> 00:50:39,580
It's none of my business anyway.
559
00:50:39,830 --> 00:50:43,823
I'll tell you if it's none
of your business. Ask me.
560
00:50:44,030 --> 00:50:49,024
- You've been with a great many men...
- None of your business.
561
00:50:49,190 --> 00:50:51,226
- I understand.
- Understand what?
562
00:50:51,390 --> 00:50:55,463
- I didn't mean to upset you.
- You think that could upset me?
563
00:50:55,630 --> 00:50:59,828
- What are you shrieking for?
- I don't shriek. I talk loud.
564
00:51:00,030 --> 00:51:05,184
It's not okay! What'd you have to go
and ask me a question like that for?
565
00:51:05,390 --> 00:51:07,779
I was curious, that's all.
566
00:51:07,990 --> 00:51:13,348
A peculiar thing to be curious about.
How would you feel if I asked you that?
567
00:51:13,550 --> 00:51:17,987
- I wouldn't get defensive.
- Because the answer's not interesting.
568
00:51:18,230 --> 00:51:22,826
- You're making this very personal.
- I am? I'm sorry about that.
569
00:51:22,990 --> 00:51:26,619
After all, the question
you asked me wasn't personal!
570
00:51:26,830 --> 00:51:30,140
"Tell me about the 5000 or 6000 guys
you slept with."
571
00:51:30,350 --> 00:51:35,549
- But, Doris, in your case...
- In my case? Yeah, I'm a special case.
572
00:51:35,710 --> 00:51:40,943
- I didn't say anything about 6000 guys.
- But that's what you were thinking!
573
00:51:43,630 --> 00:51:44,830
Right?
574
00:51:45,390 --> 00:51:48,143
- Where are you going?
- None of your business.
575
00:51:48,310 --> 00:51:50,540
- Is the truth that disturbing?
- What truth?
576
00:51:50,790 --> 00:51:53,702
Why don't you ask
what you really wanted to ask?
577
00:51:53,870 --> 00:51:56,862
- What is that, pray tell?
- I'll pray tell you.
578
00:51:57,030 --> 00:52:00,739
You want to know how
you stood up to the competition.
579
00:52:00,950 --> 00:52:05,421
- You want to know if you passed.
- If you say so, teacher.
580
00:52:05,630 --> 00:52:09,908
- Ordinarily, I don't handle beginners.
- A pro like you wouldn't.
581
00:52:10,110 --> 00:52:13,580
I know what your next question
would have been too...
582
00:52:13,750 --> 00:52:18,028
...because it's the same dumb question
every trick asks:
583
00:52:18,190 --> 00:52:23,059
"Did you actually get a thrill
after all the times you've done it?
584
00:52:23,310 --> 00:52:26,985
A piece of wood like you
couldn't enjoy doing it...
585
00:52:27,230 --> 00:52:32,748
...with an honest, clean-living,
hotshot citizen like me." Right?
586
00:52:32,910 --> 00:52:35,982
Why don't I know better?
How come I never learn?
587
00:52:36,190 --> 00:52:42,140
I'm not gonna be treated like a thing.
I am a real person named Doris Wilgus!
588
00:52:42,350 --> 00:52:43,750
Wilgus?
589
00:52:45,030 --> 00:52:48,739
Take your beady eyes off me
while I tell you something.
590
00:52:48,950 --> 00:52:51,942
Last night, I thought something
real nice was happening.
591
00:52:52,190 --> 00:52:54,943
You really seemed
to be a nice guy and all.
592
00:52:55,150 --> 00:53:00,065
But I'll tell you, I fall in love
all the time, so it's no big deal.
593
00:53:00,310 --> 00:53:03,859
You were nice for a while.
You said some swell things.
594
00:53:04,030 --> 00:53:08,387
So it proves you're a better actor
than I am. I mean, actress.
595
00:53:08,590 --> 00:53:12,139
You'd know more about that
since your acting's done in bed.
596
00:53:12,350 --> 00:53:15,308
Someone's gotta know
what they're doing.
597
00:53:15,470 --> 00:53:19,349
Sorry if I didn't measure up.
Do I get graded on a scale of 10?
598
00:53:19,550 --> 00:53:22,018
- If you accept fractions.
- Know what you need?
599
00:53:22,230 --> 00:53:25,506
- I'm not interested!
- You need a psychiatrist...
600
00:53:25,710 --> 00:53:30,261
...who might, if he has time, assemble
the pieces of your jumbled mind.
601
00:53:30,470 --> 00:53:34,019
- Bullshit!
- A technical term from the theatre?
602
00:53:34,190 --> 00:53:37,785
Listen, Mister Know-It-All,
I did my time on the couch.
603
00:53:37,990 --> 00:53:41,027
- Well, if a bed isn't handy...
- Very funny!
604
00:53:41,190 --> 00:53:45,786
Anyway, that shrink was just like you,
all talk and no action.
605
00:53:46,030 --> 00:53:50,069
He said, "Do what you want as long as
it doesn't make you unhappy."
606
00:53:50,310 --> 00:53:54,098
So I did. I didn't pay my bill.
It made him mad as hell!
607
00:53:54,310 --> 00:53:57,541
Why didn't you let him
take it out in trade?
608
00:54:00,630 --> 00:54:03,428
Give me a dollar, please...
609
00:54:03,630 --> 00:54:06,349
...if you can manage it.
610
00:54:06,990 --> 00:54:10,426
Just so I can get a cab somewhere.
611
00:54:12,310 --> 00:54:14,141
- Where do I send it?
- Forget it.
612
00:54:14,310 --> 00:54:16,426
- I won't.
- You worked for it.
613
00:54:16,590 --> 00:54:20,139
- Which is more than you did.
- You can earn nine or 10 more.
614
00:54:20,310 --> 00:54:23,268
I'll come back here.
Your friend Barney will tell me.
615
00:54:23,430 --> 00:54:27,548
Send it to Doubleday,
53rd and Fifth.
616
00:54:30,630 --> 00:54:33,144
Is that where you work?
617
00:54:33,430 --> 00:54:35,739
At Doubleday?
618
00:54:35,990 --> 00:54:38,345
In a bookstore?
619
00:54:39,230 --> 00:54:41,824
What are you, a clerk?
620
00:54:43,510 --> 00:54:48,538
Hey, get a load of that!
The bigtime writer is a book clerk.
621
00:54:48,710 --> 00:54:50,428
That makes me happy.
622
00:54:50,590 --> 00:54:53,821
- I'm glad something satisfies you.
- Happy book-selling, Mr. Sherman.
623
00:54:53,990 --> 00:54:57,107
Happy streetwalking,
Miss Whatever-Your-Name-ls.
624
00:54:57,310 --> 00:55:02,589
Maybe I'll come to the store and take
a look at the two-bit book peddler...
625
00:55:02,830 --> 00:55:05,139
...who will never be a writer.
626
00:55:05,350 --> 00:55:08,786
- How would you know? You can't read.
- I'll tell you how I know!
627
00:55:09,030 --> 00:55:13,740
I know that you will never be a writer
no matter how hard you pretend...
628
00:55:13,990 --> 00:55:19,383
...because, goddamn it,
the sun does not spit!
629
00:57:00,670 --> 00:57:04,345
The clock's stopped with less
than a minute remaining.
630
00:57:04,550 --> 00:57:10,147
The Wolves, trailing by three,
have a first down at the 25-yard line.
631
00:57:11,750 --> 00:57:15,982
Stop! What do you mean by that,
you stupid lug?
632
00:57:52,630 --> 00:57:55,144
-
Screw?
- I beg your pardon?
633
00:58:10,150 --> 00:58:13,745
I'll ask him for one dress
and I can explain to him...
634
00:58:13,910 --> 00:58:17,585
... how I'm an actress
and it'd be good for his business...
635
00:58:17,830 --> 00:58:22,779
... for me to wear one of his dresses,
and he'll give me one on credit.
636
00:58:56,830 --> 00:58:59,867
- Could you tell me...?
- What, mister?
637
00:59:00,030 --> 00:59:03,545
- Could you tell me what time...?
- What, mister?
638
00:59:06,830 --> 00:59:12,348
- What time does
Cycle Sluts go on?
- What, mister?
639
00:59:12,710 --> 00:59:17,147
-
Cycle Sluts!
- Yes, yes.
640
00:59:18,710 --> 00:59:24,501
- I want to see
Cycle Sluts.
-
Sluts now.
641
00:59:30,550 --> 00:59:32,461
- Overcoat?
- I don't have one.
642
00:59:32,630 --> 00:59:35,349
You want to rent one?
643
00:59:41,030 --> 00:59:45,228
- Let me put money down on a dress...
- I'm not here to sell no dress.
644
00:59:45,430 --> 00:59:49,548
If you're looking for trouble,
that's what you're gonna find.
645
00:59:49,710 --> 00:59:53,544
Relax, relax, don't get so twitchy.
646
00:59:56,110 --> 00:59:58,943
Where do you think you're going now?
647
00:59:59,630 --> 01:00:03,145
I think I'm gonna go in here
for a second. Okay?
648
01:00:03,390 --> 01:00:08,669
Okay, but I'll give you 30 seconds
to get out of there. It's getting late.
649
01:00:08,910 --> 01:00:12,539
- I gotta get home, know what I mean?
- Me too.
650
01:00:14,750 --> 01:00:17,548
You're a very neat person, aren't you?
651
01:00:17,790 --> 01:00:22,022
Well, I believe a man's clothes
are his most valuable possession.
652
01:00:22,190 --> 01:00:23,259
Oh, boy.
653
01:00:23,470 --> 01:00:25,381
- Bring her in here.
- No, no.
654
01:00:25,550 --> 01:00:28,428
- Yeah, to the room.
- No, not the room!
655
01:00:28,590 --> 01:00:31,662
- Don't try that, you slut.
- Want some of this?
656
01:00:31,910 --> 01:00:36,028
- No, no, I beg of you.
- Hold her while I open the door.
657
01:00:36,230 --> 01:00:37,583
No, no, please!
658
01:00:37,830 --> 01:00:42,540
You'll stay in there until
you learn some discipline.
659
01:00:44,790 --> 01:00:46,587
What are you doing?
660
01:00:46,830 --> 01:00:51,221
What's that for?
What are you gonna do with that?
661
01:00:51,430 --> 01:00:55,787
What's that thing?
And what's that other thing?
662
01:00:56,030 --> 01:01:00,262
Where do you plan to put that?
Wait! Hold it! You can't do that!
663
01:01:00,510 --> 01:01:05,584
No, not with both of them!
You can't, I tell you! You can't!
664
01:01:05,750 --> 01:01:10,062
Can you? Maybe you can.
665
01:01:10,310 --> 01:01:12,778
My God, you could!
666
01:01:24,750 --> 01:01:27,218
I've got something to tell you.
667
01:01:27,390 --> 01:01:28,390
What?
668
01:01:30,110 --> 01:01:33,420
I don't know how
you're gonna take this...
669
01:01:33,590 --> 01:01:35,899
...but you got a right to know.
670
01:01:36,070 --> 01:01:37,947
Know what?
671
01:01:41,710 --> 01:01:45,225
I just flushed your pants
down the toilet.
672
01:01:59,030 --> 01:02:03,740
We close in five minutes.
Can I help you find something?
673
01:02:09,630 --> 01:02:12,224
Are you sure I can't help you?
674
01:02:12,430 --> 01:02:14,307
We close in four minutes.
675
01:02:14,830 --> 01:02:16,627
- I'm Eleanor.
- I see.
676
01:02:16,790 --> 01:02:18,587
Don't mean much to you, does it?
677
01:02:18,750 --> 01:02:24,302
I don't think too much of you either.
I don't figure what she sees in you.
678
01:02:24,510 --> 01:02:27,582
- I appreciate your honesty, but...
- You're a dump.
679
01:02:27,750 --> 01:02:30,025
- A what?
- The way you treated her...
680
01:02:30,230 --> 01:02:32,903
Wait a minute.
The way I treated whom?
681
01:02:33,110 --> 01:02:36,182
- Doris.
- Doris? I don't know any Dor...
682
01:02:36,430 --> 01:02:41,379
Oh, Doris. I get it. Doris.
Eleanor, you've got the wrong dump.
683
01:02:41,550 --> 01:02:45,145
- They all say that.
- This time, they're telling the truth.
684
01:02:45,310 --> 01:02:48,347
- You want Felix.
- You're not Felix?
685
01:02:48,510 --> 01:02:52,549
Yeah, listen, they said downstairs
that Felix was up here.
686
01:02:52,790 --> 01:02:54,189
Well, he is.
687
01:02:56,430 --> 01:02:59,786
- That's Felix?
- Disappointing, isn't it?
688
01:02:59,950 --> 01:03:02,020
- He sleeping?
- No, he's dead.
689
01:03:02,190 --> 01:03:05,421
- Come on.
- No, he passed away two weeks ago.
690
01:03:05,630 --> 01:03:11,626
But the folks here were so fond of him
that we decided to have him stuffed.
691
01:03:11,830 --> 01:03:15,664
- Hell of a good job, don't you think?
- Cut the crap.
692
01:03:17,590 --> 01:03:19,740
Felix Sherman?
693
01:03:20,190 --> 01:03:22,146
I think so.
694
01:03:25,590 --> 01:03:29,981
- What have I done to deserve this?
- Not much, the way I heard it.
695
01:03:31,190 --> 01:03:34,500
You're not...? Are you...?
696
01:03:34,670 --> 01:03:36,149
I'm Eleanor.
697
01:03:36,310 --> 01:03:42,180
- Eleanor. Barney, this is Eleanor.
- Don't touch me. I got a condition.
698
01:03:42,350 --> 01:03:44,386
Where's Doris, Eleanor?
699
01:03:44,550 --> 01:03:48,987
I got a message for you.
Doris does not want to see you again.
700
01:03:49,150 --> 01:03:52,062
That's why I came.
She told me to tell you...
701
01:03:52,230 --> 01:03:56,382
...that she doesn't want to talk
to you again or anything.
702
01:03:56,630 --> 01:04:01,658
Even if you should see her on the
street or in a store by accident...
703
01:04:01,910 --> 01:04:07,143
...including where she is,
right this minute, which is...
704
01:04:07,390 --> 01:04:13,067
...having a ham sandwich at Riker's
on the corner of Sixth and 57th Street.
705
01:04:13,310 --> 01:04:16,268
Very good. You got it all out.
706
01:04:53,990 --> 01:04:56,663
You ran all the way, huh?
707
01:05:00,230 --> 01:05:02,425
- I was wondering...
- Listen, l...
708
01:05:02,590 --> 01:05:05,024
- What were you gonna say?
- Go ahead.
709
01:05:05,230 --> 01:05:09,064
I was wondering where you've
been staying this past week.
710
01:05:09,230 --> 01:05:13,542
That's what I was gonna ask you.
Are you still at Barney's?
711
01:05:13,750 --> 01:05:17,265
- No, I've relocated temporarily.
- Same here.
712
01:05:17,510 --> 01:05:22,789
I'm staying with my friend Eleanor.
She's got this place on 14th Street.
713
01:05:23,030 --> 01:05:28,024
- She seems agreeable.
- Yeah, yeah.
714
01:05:28,190 --> 01:05:32,820
Doris, I have something to say
to you and it concerns both of us.
715
01:05:33,030 --> 01:05:34,941
And if it's not...
716
01:05:35,910 --> 01:05:38,424
- Who was that?
- Got me.
717
01:05:38,590 --> 01:05:41,946
- She said "Hello" to you.
- No, she said "Woo-woo."
718
01:05:42,110 --> 01:05:46,422
- Total strangers say "Woo-woo" to you?
- Not until tonight.
719
01:05:46,630 --> 01:05:49,747
- Now look, Doris...
- You look lousy, you know?
720
01:05:49,910 --> 01:05:52,470
- I do?
- Like you haven't been sleeping.
721
01:05:52,630 --> 01:05:55,940
- I haven't been sleeping well.
- Tried hot baths?
722
01:05:56,110 --> 01:05:59,182
Yes, I have. I find
hot baths too enervating.
723
01:05:59,430 --> 01:06:01,546
Enervating?
724
01:06:02,830 --> 01:06:04,946
I made you laugh. One for me.
725
01:06:05,110 --> 01:06:07,783
I want you to understand
what I'm gonna say.
726
01:06:07,950 --> 01:06:10,748
I have struggled for 31 years
to establish...
727
01:06:10,990 --> 01:06:12,946
- Is that how old you are?
- Yes.
728
01:06:13,150 --> 01:06:15,948
I have tried to establish
the supremacy...
729
01:06:16,190 --> 01:06:19,341
...of the intellect over the physical.
730
01:06:19,550 --> 01:06:23,145
You ran all the way to Riker's
just to tell me that?
731
01:06:23,350 --> 01:06:27,025
- I didn't run. I jogged.
- You could have sent a letter.
732
01:06:27,190 --> 01:06:31,183
- I don't know your address.
- You could've given it to Eleanor.
733
01:06:31,350 --> 01:06:34,308
I wanted to see you again.
734
01:06:36,230 --> 01:06:41,623
- I want to apologize for that night.
- No, that was my fault. I got mad.
735
01:06:41,830 --> 01:06:45,789
You were justified.
I had no right in asking questions...
736
01:06:46,030 --> 01:06:48,863
Sure, you did.
You're a writer, aren't you?
737
01:06:49,030 --> 01:06:52,625
Writers gotta find out stuff.
If you don't ask questions...
738
01:06:52,790 --> 01:06:55,258
...how are you gonna assimilate?
739
01:06:56,630 --> 01:06:57,630
What?
740
01:06:58,830 --> 01:07:03,745
I said, if you don't ask questions,
how are you going to assimilate?
741
01:07:03,950 --> 01:07:05,747
Assimilate?
742
01:07:06,230 --> 01:07:08,141
Not bad, eh?
743
01:07:09,030 --> 01:07:12,739
-
You and Your Vocabulary.
- I got it at the corner apothecary.
744
01:07:12,910 --> 01:07:16,789
- The apothecary.
- Pretty impeccable, huh?
745
01:07:17,430 --> 01:07:19,341
It's very impressive.
746
01:07:20,830 --> 01:07:25,665
I try and learn, I mean... No, I try
and assimilate five new words a day.
747
01:07:25,910 --> 01:07:29,903
I figure pretty soon I'll be able
to talk as good as you.
748
01:07:30,110 --> 01:07:34,149
- Wouldn't that be something?
- It would be wonderful.
749
01:07:38,710 --> 01:07:43,545
It's always an advantage to be able
to express yourself clearly.
750
01:07:43,750 --> 01:07:46,548
Hey, lady, want to go for a ride?
751
01:07:46,790 --> 01:07:50,180
I think it would be good
for me as an actress too.
752
01:07:50,430 --> 01:07:53,388
- Yes, language...
- Hey, baby, what do you say?
753
01:07:53,550 --> 01:07:56,747
Language is one of the tools
of the actor's art.
754
01:07:56,910 --> 01:08:01,779
- Get rid of the four-eyed freak.
- I can do things I couldn't do before...
755
01:08:01,950 --> 01:08:05,260
...because I couldn't express
myself sussintly.
756
01:08:05,510 --> 01:08:06,989
Succinctly.
757
01:08:07,150 --> 01:08:10,381
- Remember, language is power.
- I'll remember that.
758
01:08:10,550 --> 01:08:15,943
- Sweetheart, we got something for you.
- Would you excuse me for a moment?
759
01:08:16,110 --> 01:08:17,862
Jump in here. Come on.
760
01:08:18,110 --> 01:08:24,140
I beg your pardon, boys,
but you are intruding on my privacy.
761
01:08:26,510 --> 01:08:29,510
Felix, come on!
762
01:08:58,830 --> 01:09:03,779
People are so touchy these days.
You gotta watch every word.
763
01:09:04,030 --> 01:09:05,941
- What is it about you?
- What?
764
01:09:06,110 --> 01:09:09,022
- Is your life always so volatile?
- Who?
765
01:09:09,230 --> 01:09:11,030
Volatile.
766
01:09:12,110 --> 01:09:13,589
Volatile?
767
01:09:13,750 --> 01:09:17,789
Volatile. Here it is, here it is.
768
01:09:18,030 --> 01:09:21,386
"Explosive. Filled with energy."
Yeah, I guess so.
769
01:09:21,630 --> 01:09:25,259
It's because I'm temperamental.
It gets me into trouble.
770
01:09:25,430 --> 01:09:29,025
One time, I had a fight with this guy
who wouldn't pay me.
771
01:09:29,230 --> 01:09:31,585
- Pay you?
- It's not what you think.
772
01:09:31,790 --> 01:09:34,020
- I grabbed him by his smock...
- Smock?
773
01:09:34,230 --> 01:09:37,028
- Yeah, I was...
- Why was he wearing a smock?
774
01:09:37,190 --> 01:09:40,626
He didn't want to mess up his suit
when he was on the floor.
775
01:09:40,830 --> 01:09:43,583
- Why was he on the floor?
- So he could aim better.
776
01:09:43,750 --> 01:09:48,426
- Hold it! What was he aiming at?
- At me. I'm trying to tell you.
777
01:09:48,630 --> 01:09:52,543
- Doris, I'm getting very upset.
- Okay, all right!
778
01:09:52,710 --> 01:09:55,747
Oh, my God. Will you let go?
779
01:09:56,230 --> 01:10:01,384
- Jesus, you got very strong hands.
- Start at the beginning, step by step.
780
01:10:01,590 --> 01:10:04,184
- It's not interesting.
- I'll be the judge.
781
01:10:04,350 --> 01:10:07,899
Well, this guy, a businessman
about 50 years old...
782
01:10:08,070 --> 01:10:11,949
...with an office on Madison Avenue
that's got this long hallway.
783
01:10:12,110 --> 01:10:15,182
- And?
- He'd give me 50 bucks to sit...
784
01:10:15,430 --> 01:10:17,386
...at the other end of the hall.
785
01:10:17,590 --> 01:10:21,344
- Just to sit in a chair?
- Yeah, in my raincoat.
786
01:10:21,830 --> 01:10:26,221
- You sat there in your raincoat?
- With my hands tied behind me.
787
01:10:26,390 --> 01:10:29,382
I see. And what was he doing?
788
01:10:29,630 --> 01:10:35,307
He was at his end of the hall
on his hands and knees in his smock.
789
01:10:35,470 --> 01:10:36,470
And?
790
01:10:36,830 --> 01:10:40,584
I'd yell "Bombs away!" while
he rolled hard-boiled eggs at me.
791
01:10:40,750 --> 01:10:42,741
Say that again.
792
01:10:42,910 --> 01:10:46,823
- He rolled hard-boiled eggs at me!
- He rolled eggs at you?
793
01:10:46,990 --> 01:10:50,346
- Hard-boiled! It wasn't much!
- That's disgusting.
794
01:10:50,550 --> 01:10:56,261
- Why? Why?
- Because it's... I can't find the word.
795
01:11:04,110 --> 01:11:06,943
Hey, where are we, anyway?
796
01:11:15,230 --> 01:11:17,539
Hey, where are we?
797
01:11:19,150 --> 01:11:20,868
Who lives here?
798
01:11:21,110 --> 01:11:23,943
What is this place?
Whose place is this?
799
01:11:24,110 --> 01:11:26,988
This is the house
of Mr. And Mrs. Weyderhaus.
800
01:11:27,230 --> 01:11:32,748
They are the father and mother of
Miss Ann Weyderhaus, a concert pianist.
801
01:11:32,990 --> 01:11:36,585
She is also my fiancée.
802
01:11:36,750 --> 01:11:39,822
- You're getting married?
- We went to school together.
803
01:11:39,990 --> 01:11:45,064
We decided we'd be married
as soon as I sold my first novel.
804
01:11:45,790 --> 01:11:48,668
- When's that?
- At this rate, next century.
805
01:11:48,910 --> 01:11:52,585
- Why do you say that?
- Who am I to argue with publishers?
806
01:11:52,750 --> 01:11:56,345
- What do they know?
- Something I don't, apparently.
807
01:11:56,510 --> 01:11:59,980
You're awful hot, you know that?
How do you feel?
808
01:12:00,230 --> 01:12:03,859
- I think my hair is on fire.
- You gotta go to bed.
809
01:12:04,070 --> 01:12:08,029
- Felix has to go to bed.
- Don't talk weird. It scares me.
810
01:12:08,230 --> 01:12:14,578
- Felix is weird and he scares people.
- Knock it off. I'll get your shoes.
811
01:12:14,910 --> 01:12:20,189
I'll tell you the trouble with Felix.
Felix went to a good college...
812
01:12:20,430 --> 01:12:26,744
...and took literature, but he didn't
learn anything about hard-boiled eggs.
813
01:12:26,910 --> 01:12:29,743
Will you shut up about that?
814
01:12:30,630 --> 01:12:34,418
- Felix has forgotten how to do buttons.
- Lift your legs.
815
01:12:34,590 --> 01:12:36,945
Felix will now lift his legs.
816
01:12:37,110 --> 01:12:41,661
- Is there a thermometer around here?
- Bathroom.
817
01:12:41,870 --> 01:12:43,070
Point.
818
01:12:46,110 --> 01:12:49,420
Hey, are the Weyderhauses rich?
819
01:12:49,630 --> 01:12:51,030
Loaded.
820
01:12:58,030 --> 01:12:59,030
Open.
821
01:12:59,950 --> 01:13:01,150
Close.
822
01:13:06,630 --> 01:13:08,430
This her?
823
01:13:11,590 --> 01:13:14,150
Is this Miss Weyderhaus?
824
01:13:16,710 --> 01:13:19,668
She looks partially attractive.
825
01:13:19,830 --> 01:13:26,019
I can only see part of her face, but
I guess she plays pretty good, huh?
826
01:13:26,190 --> 01:13:29,148
She debuted with the
Boston Symphony last night.
827
01:13:29,390 --> 01:13:32,143
Is that where the family is?
828
01:13:36,390 --> 01:13:38,950
How is she in bed?
829
01:13:40,430 --> 01:13:42,660
I said, how is she in bed?
830
01:13:42,830 --> 01:13:46,027
- That is none of your business.
- No good, huh?
831
01:13:46,590 --> 01:13:51,618
- Our relationship is not based on that.
- What's it based on?
832
01:13:51,830 --> 01:13:55,345
A mutual appreciation
of the arts and literature.
833
01:13:55,590 --> 01:13:58,741
- She doesn't want to?
- Music is her whole life.
834
01:13:58,950 --> 01:14:02,704
- Gonna honeymoon at Sam Goody's?
- I don't want to talk about it.
835
01:14:02,910 --> 01:14:08,587
They are very fine people. They have
a very old-fashioned moral outlook.
836
01:14:08,750 --> 01:14:11,548
- I know the type.
- I don't think you do.
837
01:14:11,710 --> 01:14:14,429
- You're not normal.
- What do you mean?
838
01:14:14,590 --> 01:14:19,345
Look, 94. You gotta go to bed.
839
01:14:19,750 --> 01:14:22,947
- My body hates me.
- Come on.
840
01:14:25,830 --> 01:14:27,830
In you go.
841
01:14:41,030 --> 01:14:45,148
- What are you going to do?
- Light a fire.
842
01:14:47,910 --> 01:14:53,143
- What if my temperature goes down?
- Don't worry, I'll get an ice pick.
843
01:14:54,950 --> 01:14:56,986
- Eggs.
- What?
844
01:14:57,150 --> 01:15:00,745
- What does it mean?
- What does what mean?
845
01:15:01,030 --> 01:15:04,022
What did you think about
when he was rolling the eggs?
846
01:15:04,230 --> 01:15:09,463
The 50 bucks I was gonna get.
Same thing when I did that coffin bit.
847
01:15:10,030 --> 01:15:14,069
What, I am horrified to ask,
is the coffin bit?
848
01:15:14,270 --> 01:15:20,823
Well, see, I walk into this room
and turn the lights on...
849
01:15:20,990 --> 01:15:24,949
...and there's this guy lying
in a coffin, you know.
850
01:15:25,190 --> 01:15:29,388
Hands folded, face all made up.
Total corpse time, see?
851
01:15:29,630 --> 01:15:33,703
Suddenly, he opens his eyes
and he says, "Good evening."
852
01:15:33,910 --> 01:15:39,587
And I let out a scream and that's it.
853
01:15:39,750 --> 01:15:41,229
Fifty bucks.
854
01:15:41,390 --> 01:15:45,542
Another guy wants me to wrap
him in cellophane and crinkle him.
855
01:15:45,790 --> 01:15:51,740
Then there's one that likes me
to watch him while he eats a cucumber.
856
01:15:51,910 --> 01:15:54,868
There's this guy who takes
Polaroids of me...
857
01:15:55,110 --> 01:15:58,625
...while this parakeet's
walking around on my back.
858
01:15:58,790 --> 01:16:03,306
Doris, you're a sexual Disneyland.
859
01:16:04,150 --> 01:16:07,142
Well, it takes all kinds.
860
01:16:17,190 --> 01:16:19,750
- I'm going to L.A.
- What?
861
01:16:19,910 --> 01:16:22,982
- I'm going to California.
- Why?
862
01:16:23,750 --> 01:16:27,538
Well, I haven't been doing
too good here, you know?
863
01:16:27,710 --> 01:16:31,623
That's where actresses should go.
That's where the work is.
864
01:16:31,830 --> 01:16:35,061
Just like you stay here
because you're a writer.
865
01:16:35,550 --> 01:16:39,941
- What's that got to do with it?
- The city is what you write about.
866
01:16:40,110 --> 01:16:45,548
- Like in your story,
Scream.
- I remember how much you liked it.
867
01:16:45,830 --> 01:16:49,539
I've been thinking about it.
I didn't get it at first.
868
01:16:49,790 --> 01:16:54,181
Like about the sun spitting morning.
But I can really see it now.
869
01:16:54,590 --> 01:16:57,388
- You can?
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
870
01:16:57,630 --> 01:17:02,101
See, the sun, like a big face...
871
01:17:02,270 --> 01:17:04,579
...here it comes, here it comes...
872
01:17:04,750 --> 01:17:10,859
...real slow over
the edge of the world.
873
01:17:11,030 --> 01:17:17,378
And it looks out over
the city and it goes:
874
01:17:23,670 --> 01:17:25,149
See what I mean?
875
01:17:32,350 --> 01:17:36,946
- What'd you do that for?
- I'm not sure.
876
01:17:37,110 --> 01:17:41,945
Would you mind doing it again?
I wasn't ready the first time.
877
01:17:53,790 --> 01:17:57,339
Don't unbuckle it. It snaps.
878
01:18:00,030 --> 01:18:05,900
Listen, Felix, maybe you should take
it easy. Get your temperature up.
879
01:18:06,350 --> 01:18:09,740
It's going up. I can feel it.
880
01:18:09,990 --> 01:18:13,266
Yeah, but you're exhausted, remember?
881
01:18:13,430 --> 01:18:17,742
Parts of me are wide awake.
882
01:18:18,350 --> 01:18:22,548
This could be very dangerous
for a person as sick as you.
883
01:18:22,750 --> 01:18:27,221
- I'm gonna stop any minute.
- You do and I'll kill you.
884
01:19:10,230 --> 01:19:13,427
- Do you think she's pretty?
- Who?
885
01:19:13,590 --> 01:19:17,139
Miss Weyderhaus, the concert pianist.
886
01:19:23,190 --> 01:19:26,944
- Does she have a nice body?
- She's very delicate.
887
01:19:27,110 --> 01:19:30,341
- Oh, yeah?
- Well, she's extremely fragile.
888
01:19:30,550 --> 01:19:33,348
She got a sticker that says,
"This end up"?
889
01:19:33,550 --> 01:19:35,506
Not funny.
890
01:19:37,910 --> 01:19:39,607
You think I'm pretty?
891
01:19:43,230 --> 01:19:44,230
Yes.
892
01:19:46,630 --> 01:19:49,542
I'm not, really.
I just make you think I am.
893
01:19:49,790 --> 01:19:51,746
How do you do that?
894
01:19:51,950 --> 01:19:58,264
- It's a trick. It's hard to explain.
- I don't understand.
895
01:20:03,030 --> 01:20:06,466
It's kind of like acting, you know.
896
01:20:06,710 --> 01:20:10,544
I mean, you gotta act pretty.
897
01:20:11,750 --> 01:20:13,741
Watch this.
898
01:20:19,230 --> 01:20:22,540
What about now? I look pretty, right?
899
01:20:22,910 --> 01:20:26,949
- Right.
- Now watch this.
900
01:20:32,110 --> 01:20:37,264
Oh, that's amazing.
That's two completely different girls.
901
01:20:39,510 --> 01:20:42,343
- You're putting me on.
- No, I'm not. It's fantastic.
902
01:20:43,710 --> 01:20:45,541
What are you doing?
903
01:20:45,710 --> 01:20:49,589
- I'm going to make you feel good.
- I know what that is.
904
01:20:49,750 --> 01:20:53,220
- It's gonna put you in a good mood.
- I don't want to.
905
01:20:53,430 --> 01:20:56,183
- Don't be such a tight-ass.
- I'm not.
906
01:20:56,430 --> 01:21:00,139
I merely believe that
there are certain limits.
907
01:21:00,830 --> 01:21:03,390
- I'll make you a deal.
- Absolutely not.
908
01:21:03,550 --> 01:21:09,739
Listen, a couple of hits
on this and I will...
909
01:21:20,510 --> 01:21:24,105
- Of course, if you're not interested...
- Give me that.
910
01:21:24,270 --> 01:21:29,344
This is to demonstrate I have a
freedom of choice. I'm not square.
911
01:21:29,590 --> 01:21:35,745
- I am, if I wish to be, perfectly hep.
- I'm hip, you're hep.
912
01:21:51,390 --> 01:21:56,464
How are you feeling? How come you
and Miss Weyderhaus don't mess around?
913
01:21:57,390 --> 01:21:59,590
I told you.
914
01:22:05,390 --> 01:22:08,700
How come you and Miss Weyderhaus
don't mess around?
915
01:22:08,910 --> 01:22:11,110
I told you.
916
01:22:11,510 --> 01:22:14,820
What, she's very fragile?
She's fragile, right?
917
01:22:14,990 --> 01:22:20,303
She's worried about her hands.
She doesn't want to hurt her hands.
918
01:22:20,470 --> 01:22:23,940
She could wear boxing gloves.
919
01:22:24,830 --> 01:22:28,140
They're very beautiful, her hands.
920
01:22:28,630 --> 01:22:32,589
- She oils them.
- She oils them?
921
01:22:32,750 --> 01:22:34,627
Like the tin woodsman?
922
01:22:35,630 --> 01:22:38,383
Exactly. To keep them supple.
923
01:22:39,510 --> 01:22:44,459
- She's an extraordinary human being.
- She sounds like a drag.
924
01:22:47,030 --> 01:22:49,021
Yes, she does.
925
01:22:52,350 --> 01:22:57,549
- Is that a door?
- I think that was a door.
926
01:22:58,150 --> 01:23:01,745
Did somebody come in?
927
01:23:02,430 --> 01:23:06,548
- Unless one of us went out.
- Felix?
928
01:23:06,790 --> 01:23:11,022
- That is a definite person.
- Correct.
929
01:23:11,230 --> 01:23:13,949
Felix, are you there?
930
01:23:14,710 --> 01:23:19,420
- You're about to meet Mrs. Weyderhaus.
- Mother, is Felix here?
931
01:23:19,630 --> 01:23:23,384
- And Miss Weyderhaus.
- Could we put it off for a while?
932
01:23:24,430 --> 01:23:25,863
Anyone in there?
933
01:23:26,430 --> 01:23:31,060
- They're understanding. Be yourself.
- I don't have much choice.
934
01:23:32,190 --> 01:23:36,581
Mrs. Weyderhaus, this is Doris
Wellington, a friend of mine.
935
01:23:37,190 --> 01:23:40,227
- Hi, Mrs. Weyderhaus.
- My bed is broken and...
936
01:23:40,390 --> 01:23:44,144
Ann Weyderhaus, I'd like you
to meet Doris Washington.
937
01:23:44,390 --> 01:23:49,669
Hello, Miss Weyderhaus. I've heard
so much about you from Felix here.
938
01:23:49,870 --> 01:23:55,706
- What's going on? What's up in there?
- Mr. Weyderhaus, allow me to...
939
01:23:55,870 --> 01:23:57,070
Doris!
940
01:23:58,350 --> 01:24:00,466
What are you doing?
941
01:24:02,510 --> 01:24:04,944
Jesus Christ!
942
01:24:05,190 --> 01:24:07,101
That's "Bombs away."
943
01:24:07,310 --> 01:24:11,781
That's the guy with the smock.
You know, the hard-boiled eggs.
944
01:24:18,590 --> 01:24:22,788
Where are you rushing?
Jesus, you walk so fast.
945
01:24:22,950 --> 01:24:26,704
- Where do you think you're going?
- I don't know.
946
01:24:27,430 --> 01:24:33,187
- Please stop following me.
- I'm not. I'm just going the same way.
947
01:24:33,350 --> 01:24:35,147
I want to be alone now.
948
01:24:35,310 --> 01:24:38,666
- Will you let me explain something?
- What is it?
949
01:24:38,830 --> 01:24:42,459
You're depressed because
you're not used to smoking grass.
950
01:24:42,630 --> 01:24:47,624
- Yes, doctor?
- And you've come down real hard.
951
01:24:47,790 --> 01:24:51,146
The first time I got stoned
I didn't feel human.
952
01:24:51,390 --> 01:24:54,143
- I felt like a cockroach.
- Kafka.
953
01:24:54,310 --> 01:24:55,663
Yeah, like a Kafka.
954
01:24:55,870 --> 01:24:59,146
You never know what's
gonna happen. Be careful.
955
01:24:59,390 --> 01:25:04,384
I'm going to be extra careful not
to become involved in anybody's life.
956
01:25:04,630 --> 01:25:07,781
- It's not good for them or me.
- What about last night?
957
01:25:08,030 --> 01:25:11,022
- What about it?
- We made love. Wasn't that good?
958
01:25:11,190 --> 01:25:14,023
You're confused.
That was not making love.
959
01:25:14,230 --> 01:25:19,748
- It beat the hell out of drying dishes.
- What we did was to get a fast thrill.
960
01:25:20,230 --> 01:25:24,781
One time is a fast thrill.
Six times is making love.
961
01:25:25,030 --> 01:25:28,784
- I'll show you what we did. Come on.
- What? Felix!
962
01:25:28,950 --> 01:25:31,464
Come on, I'll show you something.
Come on.
963
01:25:32,430 --> 01:25:35,103
Look. Look over there.
964
01:25:35,270 --> 01:25:38,819
That's what we did,
with just as little sense or purpose.
965
01:25:38,990 --> 01:25:42,380
- Maybe that's what we're good for.
- What?
966
01:25:42,550 --> 01:25:45,622
Being each other's pets.
Would you enjoy that?
967
01:25:45,830 --> 01:25:49,664
- People love their pets.
- You want to be my pet?
968
01:25:49,910 --> 01:25:54,347
That's not such a bad idea.
You could wear a collar.
969
01:25:54,590 --> 01:25:59,345
- I'd have to lock you up at night.
- I don't understand.
970
01:25:59,510 --> 01:26:04,379
I could wash and bathe you. Say,
we've already done that, haven't we?
971
01:26:04,550 --> 01:26:06,620
- I could teach you tricks.
- Don't.
972
01:26:06,830 --> 01:26:10,027
- You could sit up, play dead.
- You're scaring me.
973
01:26:10,190 --> 01:26:14,422
What about retrieving? That's easy.
Retrieving is an easy one.
974
01:26:14,590 --> 01:26:16,626
- Stop it!
- Here's a stick.
975
01:26:16,830 --> 01:26:20,823
- Stop it, Felix.
- Stick. There's the stick. Okay, fetch.
976
01:26:21,030 --> 01:26:23,828
Fetch! Go ahead, fetch!
977
01:26:24,190 --> 01:26:26,226
- That's too tough?
- Stop it!
978
01:26:26,430 --> 01:26:29,627
Let's start simple.
Give me your paw.
979
01:26:29,830 --> 01:26:34,950
- I don't know what you want.
- Be a good girl and give me your paw.
980
01:26:35,110 --> 01:26:39,865
- I assimilated impeccable.
- Good trick. I'm teaching you another.
981
01:26:40,070 --> 01:26:43,221
I'm gonna have to send you
to obedience school.
982
01:26:43,390 --> 01:26:46,188
- Give me your paw.
- Why are you doing this?
983
01:26:46,350 --> 01:26:49,945
Pets do as they're told,
otherwise they are given away.
984
01:26:50,190 --> 01:26:53,739
Want me to give you
to some family who'll beat you?
985
01:26:53,950 --> 01:26:56,828
Just don't stand there,
give me your paw.
986
01:26:57,030 --> 01:27:00,818
- If I do, will you quit?
- We make no deals with pets!
987
01:27:00,990 --> 01:27:05,347
I'm warning you, this is your
last chance. Give me your paw.
988
01:27:39,350 --> 01:27:41,341
Hey, Felix?
989
01:27:43,950 --> 01:27:49,343
- My name is not Felix.
- What'd you say? I didn't hear you.
990
01:27:49,830 --> 01:27:54,028
- My name is not Felix.
- I don't get you.
991
01:27:54,190 --> 01:27:56,750
My name is Fred.
992
01:27:57,710 --> 01:28:01,589
The person you are staring at
is Fred Sherman. Not Felix.
993
01:28:01,830 --> 01:28:04,549
Fred. Short for Frederick.
994
01:28:04,790 --> 01:28:07,588
Like Washington,
Wellington and Waverly...
995
01:28:07,830 --> 01:28:12,346
...Felix is one more pompous notion,
one more hopeless pretence.
996
01:28:12,550 --> 01:28:14,347
F is for Fred.
997
01:28:14,590 --> 01:28:19,789
It stands for fake and fraud and...
998
01:28:19,950 --> 01:28:21,350
Phoney?
999
01:28:22,430 --> 01:28:26,389
And failure. Right, that's
what it really stands for...
1000
01:28:26,550 --> 01:28:29,383
...the good old American
failure story.
1001
01:28:29,590 --> 01:28:31,820
- Oh, Felix.
- Fred, goddamn it.
1002
01:28:31,990 --> 01:28:36,108
Give me a chance! I can't just
assimilate Fred all of a sudden.
1003
01:28:36,270 --> 01:28:39,945
Stop using words you don't understand.
Use words indigenous to you.
1004
01:28:40,110 --> 01:28:42,305
You stop using words
I don't understand...
1005
01:28:42,470 --> 01:28:46,543
...then maybe I'll understand
what I'm not supposed to understand.
1006
01:28:47,230 --> 01:28:50,028
Where you going? Huh?
1007
01:28:54,070 --> 01:28:56,664
What'd you do that for?
1008
01:28:56,910 --> 01:29:01,028
- It was either him or me.
- What? That was your typewriter!
1009
01:29:01,230 --> 01:29:03,824
The son of a bitch
was trying to kill me.
1010
01:29:04,030 --> 01:29:06,260
Who was?
What are you talking about?
1011
01:29:06,430 --> 01:29:09,183
Somebody tell me
what he's talking about.
1012
01:29:09,390 --> 01:29:13,861
Don't turn around. Just stand there.
Stand there and count to 50.
1013
01:29:14,070 --> 01:29:15,264
Do what I say!
1014
01:29:21,310 --> 01:29:23,585
Just keep counting.
1015
01:29:32,190 --> 01:29:35,227
Now listen very carefully.
1016
01:29:35,430 --> 01:29:39,469
My name is Fred. Fred Sherman.
1017
01:29:39,710 --> 01:29:42,019
What's your name?
1018
01:29:43,270 --> 01:29:44,464
Doris.
1019
01:29:44,710 --> 01:29:47,383
- Doris what?
- Doris Waverly.
1020
01:29:47,590 --> 01:29:51,742
I'm sorry. I didn't hear that.
Let me ask you again.
1021
01:29:51,990 --> 01:29:54,220
What is your name?
1022
01:29:56,990 --> 01:29:59,823
- Doris...
- Yes?
1023
01:30:01,110 --> 01:30:02,910
Watch it.
1024
01:30:04,630 --> 01:30:06,430
Yes? Yes?
1025
01:30:07,390 --> 01:30:10,223
- Wilgus?
- Wilgus!
1026
01:30:10,430 --> 01:30:14,059
What a nice name! It's very real.
1027
01:30:14,310 --> 01:30:17,029
Yeah, it's that all right.
1028
01:30:17,270 --> 01:30:20,103
I work in a bookstore. I'm a clerk.
1029
01:30:20,310 --> 01:30:23,143
I'm in line
for the assistant managership.
1030
01:30:23,390 --> 01:30:26,348
- No kidding?
- Yeah. Well, I work nights.
1031
01:30:26,590 --> 01:30:29,662
I thought I'd spend my day
looking for an apartment.
1032
01:30:29,910 --> 01:30:33,061
That's a coincidence.
I don't live anyplace either.
1033
01:30:33,230 --> 01:30:37,621
- What do you do?
- I'm a model and an actress.
1034
01:30:44,910 --> 01:30:48,027
But I was formerly a hooker.
1035
01:30:49,910 --> 01:30:52,140
I was also in two TV commercials.
1036
01:30:52,350 --> 01:30:55,626
I thought you looked familiar.
1037
01:30:55,830 --> 01:31:00,426
I'm very pleased
to actually meet you, Miss Wilgus.
1038
01:31:00,630 --> 01:31:04,225
Very nice to meet you, Fred.
1039
01:31:18,070 --> 01:31:22,677
Actually, it was only one commercial.
1040
01:31:23,190 --> 01:31:24,921
You still love me?
1041
01:31:26,430 --> 01:31:29,263
We might even find a place
with a TV set.
1042
01:31:29,510 --> 01:31:31,865
- I never watch TV.
- Really?
1043
01:31:32,070 --> 01:31:34,916
Yeah. It's too goddamn enervating.
1044
01:32:29,977 --> 01:32:31,470
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