All language subtitles for Jonathan Miller - Alice in Wonderland (Bootleg - Unrated Version)~(English with English Subs)

(Pigeons cooing)

There was a time when
meadow, grove, and stream

The earth and every common sight

To me did seem
Apparell'd in celestial light

The glory and the
freshness of a dream

(Muttering)

(Birdsong outside)

(Muttering)

(Tuts) Child.

Hold that then. Quickly.

(Birdsong)

(Mutters)

just hold still.

Put your hat on.

(Mutters)

It'll last all through the summer.

Run along.

Run along.

(Birdsong)

(Shrill birdsong)

(Pigeons cooing)

(Insects chirping)

(Chirping continues)

(Insect buzzing)

(Insects buzzing)

(Insects chirping and buzzing)

(Buzzing stops)

(Door squeaks)

(Alice) How queer
everything is today!

I wonder if I've been
changed in the night?

Let me think. Was I the same
when I got up this morning?

I almost think I can remember
feeling a little different

But If I'm not the same, the next
question is, who in the world am I?

Ah, that's the great puzzle!

Who am I?

(Birdsong)

I'll try If I know all
the things I used to.

Let me see:

Four times five

is...is twelve,

and four times six

is thirteen,

and four times seven is...

(Handle rattles)

Curiouser and curiouser!

(Sighing)

How doth the little crocodile
improve his shining tail

And pour the waters of the Nile
on every golden scale!

(Birdsong)

- (Whirring and creaking)
- (Gasps)

- (Birdsong)
- (Wind howls)

(Distorted voices)

I think the main problem
is how we all get dry.

(Others) Yes, yes.

If you'd all be quiet and listen to
me, I'll soon make you dry enough!

Yes, yes, yes.

- Are you ready?
- Yes, yes.

- Here is the driest thing that I know.
- Yes, yes.

- Silence all around, please.
- Yes, yes, yes.

William the Conqueror, whose
cause was favoured by the Pope,

was soon submitted to by
the English, who wanted leaders,

and were of late much accustomed
to usurpation and conquest

Edwin and Mortar, the earls
of Mercia and Northumbria...

I have never been so bored in my life.

- Yes. Yes, yes.
- Yes, yes.

Did you speak!

- No, not a word.
- Yes, yes.

- I thought you did.
- Yes, yes, yes.

- I shall proceed.
- Yes, yes.

Edwin and Mortar, the earls of Mercia
and Northumbria, soon declared for him...

- Ugh!
- Oh!

...And even Stigand, as the
patriotic archbishop of Canterbury,

found it advisable to go with Edgar
Atheling and offer William the crown.

While the country still reeled
under the shock of the conquest,

the conqueror followed it by
introducing the feudal system...

- (Snoring)
- ...which was hardly a ray of sunshine...

- Agh!
- ...as it drove a coach and horses

through the middle of the
Anglo-Saxon politic as it was then.

Hm? Oh.

- How are you getting on now, my dear?
- Yes?

Oh, in that case, I move that this meeting
adjourn for more energetic measures,

and I think a good thing
would be to have a Caucus-race.

What's a Caucus-race?

Well, best way to explain it...

- (Church organ playing)
- ...is for us all to do it, hm?

Come along, come along!

- (Church organ playing)
- (Chatter)

(Choir singing hymn)

Uh!

This'll never do.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on! Come on, come on!

Come along now, come along!

Off you go, that's it, that's it.

Come on now, come on!

(shouting)

(Squealing)

(Squeals and grunts)

- All right, the race is over!
- (Groans)

(Others) Who has won? Who has won?

Everybody's won,
and everyone must have prizes.

Prizes... Prizes... Prizes... Prizes

Prizes.

Prizes. . . Prizes

Prizes. . . Prizes

Who's to give the prizes?

- Why, she will, of course.
- Prizes.

- The prizes.
- Prizes. Prizes.

Prizes. Prizes.

Prizes. Prizes.

- Prizes. Prizes.
- Prizes.

- Prizes. Prizes.
- Prizes.

- Prizes. Prizes.
- Prizes.

- Prizes.
- Prizes.

She must have a prize
herself, of course.

Well, of course she must. Er... what
else have you got in your pocket, eh?

- Only a thimble.
- Oh, let me see.

Uh!

I beg your acceptance
of this elegant thimble

(Muted cheering)

Perhaps you would care
to continue with your story.

You obviously have
your own methods of drying off.

I don't see why I should
waste my breath on it any more.

- More story.
- More story.

I'll do nothing of the sort.

What a pity he wouldn't stay!

Come along! Come along! We're late.

(Birdsong)

(Rabbit) Mary Ann. Mary Ann.

Fetch me my gloves this moment.

(Rustling)

Quickly. Quickly.

(Whispering)

I'm sure I'm not Ada.

She's got long ringlets. My hair
doesn't go in ringlets at all.

And I'm sure I ain't be Mabel,

because I know all sorts of things
and she knows nothing.

Besides, she's she and I'm...

Oh dear how puzzling it all is!

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tall

And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin
How neatly spread his claws

And welcome little fishes in
with gently smiling jaws!

(Sighs!)

I must be Mabel after all.

Oh, I'll have to go and live
in that poky little house.

(Rabbit) Mary Ann, do you hear me?
Fatch me my gloves and fan.

I'll go round and get in the window.

(Animal groans)

(Whispering)

And a barrelful
will do to begin with.

- (Whispering)
- A barrelful of what?

(Cries, growls and whispers)

We must burn the house down.

(Violin plays scratchily)

(Dog barking)

(Barking)

(Barking continues)

(Alice gasping)

(Gasping)

Who are you? Who are you?

(Tapping)

Who are you?

(He sighs)

(Door creeks)

Who are you?

Come on, don't just stand there.

Who are you?

I'm afraid I don't
know just at the moment.

I know who I was when
I got up this morning,

but I think I've changed
several times since then

What do you mean by that exactly?

Explain yourself.

Afraid I can't explain myself.

I'm not myself, you see.

No, I don't see.

Well, I can't put it any
more clearly, I'm afraid,

because I don't
understand it myself,

and it's very confusing
changing size so often.

It's not at all.

Well, I imagine you'll feel a bit queer
when you change size, won't you?

- Not a bit.
- Well, it feels very queer to me.

Who are you?

I think you ought to
tell me who you are first.

Why?

(Stutters) Come back!

Come...

I have something important to say.

Yes?

Keep your temper.

Is that all?

No.

(Clock ticking)

So...

- you're thinking of changing, are you?
- I'm afraid I am.

You see, I can't remember
things I used to

and I can't stay the same size
for more than ten minutes together.

What sort of things?

Well, I've tried to say How Doth The Little
Busy Bee, but it came out all different.

Very well.

Repeat...

You Are Old, Father William.

'You are old, Father William,'
the young man said...

- (Clock ticking)
- 'And your hair has become very white

'And yet you incessantly stand on your head--
Do you think at your age it is right?'

- (Clock ticking)
- 'In my youth,' said the sage,

as he shook his gray locks...

- Um...
- (Clock ticking)

Um...

'In my youth,' said the sage,
as he shook his gray locks,

- (I kept all my limbs very supple"
- (Clock ticking)

'By the use of this ointment--

'One shilling a box--
Allow me to sell you a couple?'

- (Clock ticking)
- 'You are old,' said the youth,

'and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than...

- 'than suet;
- (Clock ticking)

'Do you think I can listen
all day to such stuff?'

'Be off or I'll kick you downstairs!'

(Snorts) That's not quite right!

I'm afraid some of the words
seem to have got altered.

No! It is wrong from beginning to end.

What...what size do you want to be?

I'm not particular as to size.

It's just that one doesn't like
changing so often, you know.

No, I don't know.

- Are...are you happy now?
- Well, I'd like to be a little larger.

Hm. Seems a very nice size to me.

- But I'm not used to it.
- Hm.

- (Sighs) You'll get used to it in time.
- (Clock ticking)

- (Hammering on door)
- (Shouting)

- (Shattering)
- (Laughter)

You'll never make them people
hear in there, you see,

cos they're...like they're making
too much noise themselves.

I mean, you follow what I mean.
You can hear 'em.

How am I to get in, then?

Hm.

- Hm!
- (Shouting continues)

(Shattering)

Hm!

(Shattering)

Hm.

Oh, excuse me. Something seems to be
cropping up in this area over here.

An invitation from the Queen
for the Duchess to play croquet.

Oh, let's have a look.

This the one, then, is it?

Mm.

Yes, right, then. Thank you.

- (Grunts)
- (Smash)

Just, er...just sink quietly
out of sight for me, will you?

(Shattering and laughter)

Yes.

- (Dog barks)
- (Shattering)

- Now, then. I'll tell you what I'll do.
- (Shattering)

- (Wild laughter)
- Tell you what I'll do for you.

Nothing. How's that?
Any good to you at all? Nothing?

I mean, I wouldn't be able to do
it straightaway, I'll say that

I couldn't possibly do
it straightaway

'cause I got all these things
cropping up I have to deal with.

I... Well, you saw just now.

- Something cropped up there.
- (Smash)

And I get...the same type of thing
I get cropping up all the time, you see.

So naturally I got my hands full.

But If I was to do nothing for you...

I can't promise I could,
but If I was to do nothing for you,

I'd have to sort of find a time,
you see,

when I could squeeze it in,
you see what I mean?

- I think you're absolutely idiotic.
- Oh. Oh, well.

Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not

(Raised voices)

(Water bubbling)
- (Cackling and shushing)

(Baby gurgling)

(Baby gurgling)

- (Baby gurgling)
- (Hums tune)

- Why does your cat look like that?
- It's a Cheshire cat, that's why.

(Chuckles)

Pig!

I didn't know that
Cheshire cats looked like that

All of them can and most of them do.

- I don't know that any of them do.
- You don't know much and that's a fact.

(Gasping and wheezing)

(Snorting)

(Sneezes)

(Baby gurgles)

Oh dear, oh dear.

(Granting and snorting)

Oh! Oh! Here we go,
here we go, here we go.

- (Sneezes)
- Mind the baby!

(Baby cries)

If everybody minded their own business,

the world would turn a
great deal faster than it does.

That wouldn't be a great advantage.

The world turns on
its axis every 24 hours.

Oh-ho-ho!

Don't bother me, I never could
abide figures Could I?

- (He burbles)
- (Baby chuckles)

Speak roughly to your little boy
And beat him when he sneezes

He only does it to annoy
Because he knows it teases!

(Baby cries)

' (Both) Wow! Wow! Wow!
' (Baby cries)

I speak severely to my boy
I beat him when he sneezes

For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!

- (Baby crying)
- (Both chant song)

Wow, wow, wow, wow!

(Baby oinks)

(Cook) Yes, yes

For he could thoroughly enjoy
The pepper If he pleases!

(Cook) Yes, yes, yes,

Here, nurse him for a bit.

(Pig-like squeal)

(Piglet squeals)

Which way ought I to go from here?

(Whispers) That depends a great deal
on where you want to go to.

I don't much care where.

(Whisper!) Then it doesn't
matter which way you go.

So long as I get somewhere.

(Whispers) Oh, you're sure to do that
if you only walk long enough.

What sort of people live about here?

(Whispers) in that direction is a Hatter
and in that direction lives a March Hare.

(Whispers) They're both mad.

But I don't want to
go among mad people.

(Whispers) Oh, you ain't help that
we're all mad here.

(Whispers) I'm mad. You're mad.

(Whispers) By-the-by, what became of
the baby? I'd nearly forgotten to ask.

It turned into a pig.

(Whispers) Ha. I thought it would.

(Whispers) Did you say pig, or fig?

I said pig-

(Birdsong)

(Bees buzzing)

No room

Oh.

- No room.
- No room. No room, no room

- There's no...
- No room!

No room. No, no, no room. No room

- No room.
- There's no room.

- No room.
- There's no room.

- There's plenty of room.
- Oh. Oh.

- Have some wine.
- I don't see any wine.

- There isn't any.
- Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it.

It wasn't very civil of you
to sit down before you were invited.

I thought you did invite me,

and anyway, the table's laid
for a great deal more than three.

Your, um...your...

your hair, er...wants cutting

You shouldn't make personal remarks.
It's very rude.

Oh. Why is a raven like
a writing-desk, I wonder.

(Alice) Oh, I'm glad you've begun asking
riddles. I think I can guess that one.

Do you mean that
you can find the answer to it?

- (Alice) Exactly.
- Then you should say what you mean.

(Alice) I do. At least, I mean what I say.

- It's the same thing, you know.
- It isn't the same thing a bit.

You might as well say that I, er...
'I see what I eat'

is the same thing as
'I eat what I see'!

You might just as well say

that 'I like what I get'
is the same thing as 'I get what I like'!

Yes.

You might as well say...

'I sleep when I breathe' is the
same thing as 'I breathe when I sleep'!

- Oh, it is the same thing with you.
- (Chuckles)

(Insects buzz)

(yawning)

- Oh, what day of the month is it?
- I think it's the fourth.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

Two days wrong! I knew that butter
wouldn't be good for the works.

- (Insect buzzes)
- It was the best butter

Yes, but we must have got
some crumbs in with it or something.

I told you not to use the bread-knife.

- It was the best butter.
- That's as maybe.

What a curious watch! It tells the day
of the month and not what time it is.

Of course it does, child.
Does your watch tell you what year it is?

Of course not. That's because
it's the same year for so long together.

Exactly! Well, it's just the same
with my watch. Oh!

# When Adam and Eve were first deprived
of the golden hand by Heaven...

Oh, the Dormouse is falling asleep again.

- Have you guessed the riddle yet?
- No, I give up. What is the answer?

I haven't the slightest idea.

Nor I.

I think you might do
something better with your time

than waste it on riddles
that have no answers.

If you knew Time as well as I do,
you wouldn't talk about it. It's him.

I don't know what you mean.

Of course you don't! I dare say
you've never even spoken to Time!

Perhaps not, but I know
I have to beat time when I learn music.

Uh!

Uh!

Ho-ho-ho-ho! That amounts for it!

He can't stand beating.

But if you keep on good terms with Time,

he'll do anything with
a clock that you want.

For example, supposing it's
half past nine in the morning,

you just whisper a hint to Time.

Around goes the clock and it's half past
one in the afternoon, time for dinner!

I only wish it were.

(Alice) Yes, it might be rather nice

but then I wouldn't be
hungry for it, you know.

Not at first, perhaps,
but you could keep it

at half past one for
as long as you like.

(Alice) Is that the way you manage?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
We quarreled last March.

Just before he went mad, you know.

It was at a concert given by the
Queen of Hearts. I had to sing that song.

# Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!

# How I wonder what you're at! #

You're familiar with it, doubtless?

- I've heard something like it.
- Yes, it goes on...

# Up above the world the world you

- (Insect buzzes)
- # Like a tea tray in the sky

# Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle...

Oh, well, I'd hardly
finished the first verse

when the Queen jumps up and bawls out,

'He's murdering the Time!
Off with his head!'

- How dreadfully savage!
- Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Ho-ho! And ever since then,
Time won't do a thing for me

It's always six O'clock now.

(Alice) Is that the reason
why so many tea things are put out here?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's always...it's always teatime

and of course we don't get much time
to wash the things up between whiles.

- So you keep moving round, I suppose.
- Oh, we keep...we keep moving round.

Yes, yes, yes.

As the things get used up.

What happens
when you get back to the beginning?

- Oh!
- Suppose we change the subject.

I'm getting dreadfully bored by this.

- I vote the young lady tells us a story.
- Oh.

- I'm afraid I don't know one.
- Oh.

Then the Dormouse will.

I wasn't asleep. I heard every
word you fellows were saying.

Tell us a story!

You'd better get on with it, otherwise
you'll fall asleep again before you're done.

- (Insects buzz)
- Heh-heh-heh.

Once upon a time
there were three little sisters.

Oh, yes.

They were named Elsie,
Lacie and Tillie...

(Chuckles)

...and they lived at
the bottom of a well.

- What did they live on?
- Ah.

(Insects buzz)

- They lived on...treacle.
- They couldn't have done that, you know.

- They'd have been ill.
- Aye, they were.

Very, very ill.

But why did they live
at the bottom of a well?

Oh.

- Take some more tea.
- I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more.

What you mean is you can't take less.
It's very easy to take more than nothing.

- Nobody asked for your opinion.
- Now who's making personal remarks, eh?

- (Chuckles)
- (Insects buzz)

Oh.

Why did they live at the bottom of a well?

- It was a treacle well.
- There's no such thing.

If you cannot be civil,
you tell the story yourself.

I won't Interrupt again.
I dare say there may be one

Oh, Indeed!

Well...

the three little sisters,
they were all learning to draw, you know.

What did they draw?

(Others) Treacle

Oh.

(Insects buzz)

I don't understand.
Where did they draw the treacle from?

You draw water from a water well. You draw
treacle from a treacle well, eh, stupid?

But they were in the well.

Well in.

(Guffaws)

(Chuckles)

(Grunts)

Then they learnt to draw.

And they always drew
something beginning with an M.

- Why an M?
- Why not?

(Insects buzz)

Everything beginning with an M...

such as Mousetraps,

Money,

Memory.

And muchness.

I bet you never saw anything
like the drawing of a muchness.

- Really, now you say it, I don't...
- Then you shouldn't talk.

- (Insects buzz)
- Oh.

(Whispers) It's the stupidest
tea party I was ever at

(Insect buzzes)

Why are you painting those roses?

What's that? What's that?

Will you hold that book steady?
I can't see to paint.

- What are you doing it for?
- Doing it for?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Yes, what am I doing it for?

Yes, well, that is the question, isn't it?

Ah. You see? It's no good.

It's all a problem of colour, you see.

The, er...problem of these being coloured
white when red was what was asked for.

- Who's to know?
- Oh! Oh, yes, that's good.

Ha-ha-ha! Yes, I like that.

Ha-ha-ha! Yes, who's to know?
The Queen, that's who.

The Queen doesn't miss a trick.

It doesn't look much
like a red rose to me.

Oh, well, perhaps you'd like
to have a go at it yourself, then.

Yes, perhaps you'd like to
have a go at it yourself.

I think we can do without any
help from you, thank you very much...

- (Drumming)
- Look!

(Band plays)

It's the Queen.

(Band drowns out speed!)

(Sobs)

Ah, yes. And who's this?

- Yes, who is this?
- Or perhaps I shouldn't ask.

(Burbles)

Idiot. Absolute idiot. You've
got an absolute idiot for a son.

Yes, but he's tall. He's very tall.

Come along, child, speak up.
What's your name?

- My name is Alice.
- Ah. Oh.

- Er...
- And who are these?

- Or perhaps I shouldn't ask.
- How should I know? It's no business of mine.

You little hussy. Off with her head.

Nonsense.

(Men sob)

Ah, yes. And what have you been
doing here? Or perhaps I shouldn't ask.

Or perhaps I should.

Ha-ha! Painting white roses red, hm?

Perhaps you have an explanation?

Well, ma'am,
it's by way of rectifying a mistake.

What I've always said is what the eye
don't see the heart don't grieve over.

I think that's for me to judge.
Off with their heads.

- (Drum roll)
- It's a very fine day.

- Very. Where's the Duchess?
- She's under sentence of execution

- What for?
- She boxed the Queen's ears. Whoops.

All right!

Get in your places!

You heard what she said.

(Hymn starts)

- (Hymn fades)
- (Birdsong)

(Drums beating)

(Drums drown out speech)

(Chatter and laughter)

(Laughter)

(Alice whispers) How are you getting on?

I don't think they play at all fairly.

How do you like the Queen?

Not at all.

(Trumpet fanfare)

- Who are you talking to?
- It's a friend of mine.

I don't like the look of it at all.

- A cat may look at a queen.
- Cats are allowed to do that.

It must be removed. Executioner!

About that cat. I want
its head taken off. Right off.

Yeah, well, you've got a problem
there, haven't you?

I mean, with regard to cutting off
a head, you got a real problem,

unless there's a body
to cut it off from.

I mean, you see what I mean.

Don't talk nonsense. Anything
that has a head can be beheaded.

Anyway, who does it belong to?

It belongs to the Duchess
and you'd better ask her about it.

- Ha-ha.
- Oh.

(Birdsong)

Oh! You can't think how glad I am
to see you, you dear old thing!

You're thinking about something
and that makes you forget to talk.

I can't remember the moral of that,
but I shall remember it in a moment

Perhaps it hasn't got a moral

Tut-tut! My dear child, everything's got
a moral, if only you can find it.

The game seems to be
coming on much better now.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

And the moral of it is... 'tis love,
'tis love makes the world go round.

I thought it mas done by everybody
minding their own business.

Oh! Well, yes.

Well, it means much the same thing.

And the moral of that is,

take care of the sense and the
sounds will take care of themselves.

Oh, she's jolly fond of finding morals.

I dare say you're wondering why
I don't put my arm round your waist.

Well, the reason is I'm doubtful
of the temper of your flamingo.

I haven't got a flamingo any more.

How true, how true!
Flamingos and mustard, both bite.

And the moral of that is,
birds of a feather flock together!

But mustard isn't a bird.

Right as usual. You do have
a nice clear way of putting things.

It's a mineral, I think.

Yes, of course it is, and there's a rather
large mustard mine quite near here.

Ha-ha! And the moral of it is,

the more there is of mine,
the less there is of yours.

I know, it's a vegetable.
It doesn't look like one but it is.

I quite agree with you.

And the moral of that is,
be what you'd seem to be.

Or if you would like
it put more simply,

never imagine yourself
not to be otherwise

than what it would appear to others

that what you were and what you
might have been is not otherwise...

(Chuckles) ...than what you have been.

I think I'd understand that a bit
better if I had it written down,

and I'm afraid I can't quite
follow it as you say it.

Oh! I could say much better
than that If I chose.

Please don't trouble yourself
to say it any longer than that.

Don't talk about trouble. I'll make you
a present of everything I've said as yet

A cheap sort of present, I must say.

- Thinking again?
- I have a right to think.

About as much right as pigs have
to fly. And the moral...

(Applause in distance)

Either you or your head must be off
in the next five minutes!

Take your choice.

She'll be the death of me.
Come on, let's get on with the game.

(Funeral march plays)

Well, here we are.

- What's happened to them?
- They're going to be executed.

- What do you mean?
- They're going to have their heads taken off.

- What, all of them?
- Yes, the whole lot.

There's no point spoiling the ship
for a ha'p'orth of tar.

- Have you seen the Mock Turtle?
- No, who's that?

Hm, you'd better ask the Gryphon about
that. He would be able to let you know.

(Seagulls cry)

That's just her fantasy.
She never executes anyone.

Ah, there he is.

- What's he so sad about?
- That's just his fantasy.

He's got nothing
to be sad about, really.

This young lady wants
to hear your life history.

All right. I'll tell it to her.

But don't speak a word till I finish.

But how can he finish
if he doesn't begin?

Shh. He's got to get into the mood.

When we were little,
we all went to school in the sea.

The master was an old turtle -
we used to call him Tortoise...

Why did you call him Tortoise
if he wasn't one?

We called him Tortoise because he
taught us. Really, you are very dull.

Ashamed of you asking
such a simple question as that.

We had the best of educations.

In fact we went to school every day.

I've been to a day school too.
It's nothing to be so proud about.

- With extras?
- Yes, we learned French and music.

And washing?

- Certainly not.
- Aha.

Well, then, yours wasn't
really a good school.

At our school we always
had at the end of the bill,

'music, French and washing...extra'

But I couldn't afford to learn it.
I only took the regular course.

What was that?

Reeling and writhing,
of course, to begin with,

and then there were the
different branches of Arithmetic,

Ambition, Distraction,
Uglification and Derision.

I never heard of Uglification before.

Never heard of uglify?

- You've heard of beautifying, I suppose?
- Yes.

Need I say more?

Then there was Mystery,
ancient and modern,

and then Drawling.

That was with the Drawling master.
He used to come once a week.

He taught us Drawling, Stretching,

and Fainting in Coils.

What was that like?

I couldn't possibly show you myself.
I'm much too stiff.

And he never learnt it.

I hadn't time.
But I went to the Classical master.

Mm, I never went to him.

He taught Laughing and Grief,
or so they said.

So he did, so he did.

- How many hours a day did you do lessons?
- Ten hours the first day.

- Nine the second.
- And so on.

- How odd.
- Not odd at all.

That's why they're called lessons,
because they lessen from day to day.

Then the eleventh day
must have been a holiday.

So it was.

So it was.

But then how did you
manage on the 12th day?

Oh, that's enough about lessons.
Tell her about the games.

Have you ever done
the Lobster Quadrille?

No. What sort of a dance is that?

Well, first you form
a line along the seashore.

No, two lines. Then after you've cleared
the jellyfish out of the way...

That generally takes some time.

- ...you advance twice.
- Each with a lobster as a partner.

You advance twice, set to partners...

Change lobsters and
retire in the same order.

It must be a very pretty dance.

- Would you like to hear some of it?
- Very much indeed.

Well, we'll sing.

Oh, you sing it.
I can't remember the words.

# Will you walk a little faster?
Said the whiting to the snail.

# There's a porpoise close behind me
And he's treading on my tail

# See how eagerly the lobsters
And the turtles all advance!

# They are waiting on the shingle
Won't you come and join the dance?

# Will. you, won't you, will you, won't you
Will you join the dance?

# Will you, won't you, will you, won't you
Won't you join the dance?

# You can really have no notion
How delightful it will be

# When they take us up and throw us
With the lobsters out to sea

# But the snail replied

# 'Too far, too far!'

# And gave a look askance

# Said he thanked the whiting kindly
But he would not join the dance

# Would not, could not, could not, would not
Could not join the dance

# Could not, would not...

# Could not, would not

# Would not join

# The dance #

- (Seagulls cry)
- (Whispers) The trial's beginning.

The trial's beginning.

(Hymn begins)

(Hymn continues)

(Hymn continues)

(Cough)

(Hymn continues)

(Hymn ends)

- Who are they?
- The jury.

What are they doing?

Taking down their names in case
they forget them before the trial ends.

- (Chicken ducking)
- Stupid things.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- (Gavel bangs)

- Silence in court!
- (Coughing)

- (Chicken ducking)
- Read the accusation.

The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer's day:

The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts
And took them quite away!

- (Chicken ducking)
- Consider your verdict.

Not yet, not yet! There's
a great deal to do before that!

- (Chicken ducking)
- Is there? Oh, dear.

Well, um...er...

call the first witness.

First witness.

- (Chicken ducking)
- (Coughing)

(Mad Hatter chuckles)

Good morning.

Hello.

(Chuckles)

Come on, come on.

Oh, yes.

(Horse whinnies)

Come on! Come along!

(Horse whinnies)

- (Mad Hatter laughing)
- (Horse whinnies)

Oh, I beg your pardon, Your Majesty,
for bringing these along,

but I hadn't quite finished my tea
when I was sent for.

Well, you ought to have finished.
When did you begin?

The, er...

Let me see. I think it was the, er...

- 14th of March
- 15th.

- 16th?
- Yes.

16th. Write that down.

And take off your hat.

Ah...it, um...it...

Oh, dear.

It is...it isn't...it isn't mine.

- It's, er...
- (Clucking)

Stolen, is it?

No, no, no. I, er...

I keep them to sell,
Your Majesty, you see.

I'm a...I'm a hatter.

- A very nervous hatter.
- Yes, I am, yes.

- Well, don't be nervous.
- No.

Don't be nervous. just give your evidence,
or I shall have you executed, you know.

I'm...I'm allowed to do that

- I can have anyone executed.
- Yes, yes.

I have the power...power.

Ah...I'm a very poor man,
Your Majesty.

And I hadn't begun my tea...

well, not above a week or so,

and what with the bread and butter
getting so thin...

- (Chicken clucking)
- ...and the twinkling of tea, I...

- Twinkling of the what?
- Er...it began with the tea.

Oh! I know that.

I'm not a fool. I know that
twinkling begins with a T.

- Oh.
- I'm not a complete idiot, am I?

- (Clears throat)
- Go on, go on.

Like I said, Your Majesty,
I'm a...I'm a poor man

and, um...most things
twinkled after that.

- I didn't.
- You did.

- I didn't. I deny it.
- He denies it.

- (Clucking)
- Leave out that part

After that, I, er...
I cut some bread and butter and...

And after that, what happened?

Ah, that...that I can't remember.

Yes, yes, well, you must remember it,
or I'll have to have you executed.

I'm a...I'm a poor man, Your Majesty.

You are a jolly poor
speaker, that's for sure.

Get down, sit down
and stand clear away.

(Chuckles) Oh, thank you.

God bless you, Your Majesty. Ha-ha-ha!

- (Chicken clucking)
- (Mad Hatter chuckling)

Excuse me.

I do hope you manage
to get the funds to pay it.

- (Chicken ducking)
- Next witness.

- Give your evidence.
- Shan't.

Oh, well, that's
the end of that, then.

Aah!

Your Majesty must cross-examine
this witness.

- Must I?
- Yes.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

What are tarts made of?

- Pepper mostly-
- (Snorts)

Anything you want to add to that?

Yes, go away-

Go away with the pepper-

Oh.

- Next witness.
- No, don't let's have another witness.

Let's have a...let's have a song.

Come on, lads, give us a melody.
Come along now.

We... We've all rehearsed.

# And we'll all

# Swing together

# Britain shall be saved

# In all sorts of weather

# Come what may

# And we'll all swing together

# With our bodies between our knees

# Yes, we'll all swing together

# With our bodies between our knees...

- (Clucking)
- Ah.

They don't reach verdicts
like that any more.

Oh dear.

Right.

Next witness.

Alice!

Ah. What have you got
to say for yourself?

Nothing.

- Nothing?
- Nothing whatever.

Oh, that's very important

(Whispers) Unimportant,
Your Majesty means, of course.

Ah. Oh.

Oh. I thought I meant important.
That's what I thought I meant.

Ah. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Ah.

(snores)

(Hiccups)

Ah.

(Hums tune)

(Snorts)

(Animal roars)

Ahh!

Silence in court! Silence in court!

(Cough)

All persons more than a mile high
to leave, er...court!

- I'm not a mile high.
- Yes, you are.

Nearly two miles high.

(Clucking)

Consider your silences.

Their verses.

No, no, no, no!
There's more evidence to come yet.

This paper's just been picked up.

- What's in it?
- I haven't opened it yet.

But it seems to be a letter
written by the prisoner to somebody.

Well, it must be that.

I mean, it can't just be written to nobody
I mean, you can't just write to nobody.

I mean, If you did that all the time, the...

Well, I mean
the post office'd come to a standstill.

I mean, you've got to have somebody...

I mean, well...

Well, it's not allowed.

Who's it directed to?

It isn't directed at all. In fact,
there's nothing written on the outside.

(Coughing)

It isn't a letter at all.
It's a set of verses.

- Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?
- No, they're not.

And that's the queerest thing about it.

You've been imitating people's
hands and writings again.

(Oinks) Please, Your Majesty.

I didn't...

(Oinks) ...write it.

And I can... (Oinks)
...prove that I didn't.

(Oinks) There's no name
signed at the end.

(King of Hearts) Well, that
only makes the matter worse.

You must have meant some mischief

or else you would have signed
your name like an honest man.

- (Queen of Hearts) That proves his guilt.
- It proves nothing of the sort.

- Hold your tongue.
- I won't.

- (Clucking)
- Off with her head! Off with her head!

Off with her head! Off with her head!

Off with her head! Off with her head!

Off with her head!

Off with her head! Off with her head!

- (Birds screech!)
- (Church bell tolls)

It is not now as it has been of yore

Turn wheresoe'er I may
by night or day

The things which I have seen
I now can see no more