All language subtitles for The Hottie and the Nottie CD1.EN-23976

You know the girl.

Your first real vision of beauty.

The one that all other girls
have to measure up to.

Class, we have a new student today.

Her name is Cristabel.

Everyone say hi to Cristabel.

Hi, Cristabel.

The heavens opened.

And that was it.

The moment l first fell in love.

You know the girl.

The one you run to so you can

breathlessly declare
your undying love.

But things don't always work out
the way you think they will...

...when you're six years old.

She cries at commercials by AT&T.

She sobs at the videos on MTV.

But she says it's got nothing
to do with me...

She's just an emotional girl.

She rips off my suits and
cuts off the sleeves.

And shaves my head while
l'm fast asleep.

Sometimes l feel
she's the princess

and l'm just the pea...

And she's just an emotional girl.

Just an emotional...

You want the guitar?

ls...is everything okay...honey?

You just don't get it, do you.

l don't know.

Your songs, which suck,
by the way...

Are always about things l did.

They're not about you being
in love with me.

They're always about lalalalala
Jane shaved my head.

But you did.

And it's fine.

We can laugh about it now,
sweetie.

Why do you think
l spray painted your car?

And l know this one.

Because you were mad?

l'm leaving....

And l'm taking my drawer.

Fuck this.

For all l've put up with,

l seem to deserve better
than this.

Jane...okay, okay, um...

-Listen, listen, listen...
-What?

Are you going to keep
the actual drawer?

-You're an asshole!
-No. Okay, okay, okay.

You can keep it.

l just don't know what to do
with the rest of it

Come on.

Okay...Jane, you see?

l came all the way
down the stairs.

Stop. Please, please,
please stop. Wait.

Let's talk.

This is not talking.

You don't know what it's
like to be in love with someone

for years and
have absolutely no idea

if they're ever
going to love you back.

You're a loser, Nate Cooper.

And that's when it hit me.

Yes, she may have overreacted...

But Jane was right.

No other girl would ever
make me happy.

Cristabel Abbott was the one.

But how could l have known the
hurdles l would have to overcome.

l have a valentine for you
in my backpack.

We just haven't had a chance to
give ours out yet.

l knew l had to find her.

And l knew just who to go to.

My best friend from first grade.

Who shared in the glories
that were Cristabel

and the art of nose picking.

Arno Blount.

Are you tired of doing
hundreds of ab exercises...

and not getting the flat
stomach you want?

Well, it's time to stop, America...

Because you've been
going the wrong way.

That's right, America.

You've been going the wrong way.

Now there's my Ab Away Pro System.

Designed with reverse ab action.

The fastest, easiest way
to have firm, flat abs.

lt's all the same.

My Arno just loves holiday candies.

So we stock them up year round.

They make me feel happy.

Can l get you a Courvasier

or cocoa?

No thank you, Ms. Blount.

l'm fine.

So you got a degree
in art history, huh?

Uh...yeah.

That means unemployed, right?

-Pretty much, yeah.
-Cool.

Means a lot more time to hang, huh?

-Okay.
-So, you want to know

what happened to Cristabel Abbott.

Well, yeah.

Well, l'm curious to know

how everyone's doing
after all these years.

Everyone...Right.

Well, my friend, you came
to the right place.

Wow, that's Cristabel?

-Yep.
-You know,

"cause usually 13's a bad age.

From the first grade on,
she just got hotter every year.

That's weird.

Dear lord...Oh God.

-ls that...uh...
-June Phigg.

The nottie.

Ooh...nottie?

lt's a very well known
law of physics.

The hotness of one girl is
directly proportional

to the ugliness of
her best friend.

Wow. June Phigg.

lt's sort of sweet they've
stayed friends all these years.

Sweet?

She's like some hideous dragon
guarding the princess from escape.

What?

ln order to
gain access to the hottie

The nottie must be appeased.

You're saying
that June is the reason

why Cristabel's still single?

Of course she is!

That, my friend,

Cristabel Abbott is the hottest
woman in Los Angeles.

But no man will ever win her heart

without getting past
that monstrosity.

And she will destroy you.

No. No. This is fate.

Fate is the reason
she is still single.

Look. l came 3000 miles
to get this girl

And it's going to take a lot more
than a June Phigg to stop me.

l like your moxie.

Yeah? Good.

You're gonna
need to see the file.

Ma!

Bring out the file!

Coming, precious.

She loves it.

The hottie and her every move.

This whole thing is about
Cristabel Abbott?

You should see the website.

Now, according to my records

She has a two mile jog every
morning past the Santa Monica pier.

She stops
at Danny's Beachside Cafe

for a light breakfast of ice
buttered mocha and fruit salad.

She'll pass the north end of the
pier between 6:15 and 6:18 a.m.

Benches that face the ocean are
the best ones to view her from.

"Cause if you face the other way,
the sun gets in your eyes

..and you lose the whole thing.

Hey guys.

Here she comes.

Konichiwa. Good morning.

Hi guys.

l love you.

Good morning.

Oh my god, l'm so sorry.

Were you sniffing me?

Sorry.

Hey, aren't you Cristabel Abbott?

-Yeah.
-l think we went to school together.

Back in the first grade.

Were you that guy who used to
put Vienna sausage in his pants?

No. The guy with processed meats
that was Jay Gray.

You're not that kid who used to
stick pencils up his nose, are you?

No, that was my friend, Arno.

Nice guy.

lf we went to first grade together,
and Arno only had one friend...

You must be Nate Cooper.

l don't want to alarm you...

but there's
a really creepy albino guy

standing outside the window.

Oh, that's just my stalker,
Randy.

He's completely harmless.

Randall,
that better be 40 feet away.

So where were we?

Right. My job.

l work as an event planner for
this charity group...

which basically means l get to
throw fun parties for a good cause.

Cool.

And...l'm pregnant.

l'm not sure whose it is,
unfortunately.

Oh, l'm so sorry.

l'm kidding.

No kids, no boyfriend.

No action of any kind.

Oh, good.

Or not.

So what do you do now?

Or are you still into finger
painting and Smurfs.

No, no l um...

l'm a personal trainer.

You're a personal trainer.

Yeah.

Like a gym?

A lot of people mistake
personal fitness

for being brought up
with roid rage.

But who wants adult acne
and a shrunken penis.

Not me.

No, it's a mind, body,
spirit sort of lifestyle.

You are what you eat.

And whatnot.

You should check out my gym.

Actually, my roommate and l are
going there this afternoon for yoga.

So do you want to come?

Absolutely.

My roommate. lt's June.

From the first grade.

Wow...June...Yeah.

June's into heath.

She's a vegan.

Everything she eats is non-fat.

Oh...how delicious.

l'm so glad we ran into
each other, Nate.

Me too.

So the gym is at 6th and Ocean.

Here's my number
if you forget the address.

There. Now you can't lose it.

Hey, Cooper.

Hey.

You remember June.

Oh God...

Of course.

Yes. Who could forget the
lovely...June?

-Oh, Jeanette.
-How are you?

-How are you?
-Good to see you.

-You look beautiful.
-Thank you.

Sorry.

Nice.

June and l don't get much action,
so we take what we can get.

Grab a spot.

So Nate here has become a
personal trainer.

Oh, yeah. But you know what?

Enough about me.

June, what do you do?

June's a handler at the zoo.

That's great.

The only downside is l'm
constantly covered in hair.

Not that l don't already have
enough to begin with.

June has a lot of problems
with hair removal.

l have sensitive skin.

Oh.

l mean, l've tried it all...

Shaving, bumps and ingrown
hairs...Nair.

Nasty chemical reaction.

The only thing l can really do
is Joleen Cream---bleach.

You know what?

lf you hadn't said anything,
l wouldn't have noticed.

Uh, not that l've noticed now.

l'm not focusing on that at all.

lt's natural.

Everybody has it.

Everybody deals with it.

l've got hair.

Okay everyone.

Let's begin with
downward facing dog.

-Adamucha Svenasama.
-Shit.

All right.

And easing into cat pose.

And arching your back.

And moving into downward
facing dog.

Beautiful form, Cristabel.

Oh, that was amazing.

So, Cris,
now that l'm back in town

l thought it'd be wonderful
if maybe you and l could

go out to dinner...maybe.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

Yeah?

But the timing's terrible.

Nate, it probably won't come as
a huge surprise to you...

But June's never had a boyfriend.

-No.
-Yeah.

And all through school,
l went out with any guy who asked.

l didn't know the meaning
of the word "no'.

Sounds like l shouldn't
have left town then.

That's why l made
a promise to myself.

l'm not going to date
anyone again

till June has someone special
in her life.

Wow.

That is...admirable.

But that could be a very,
very long time.

lt's just...the hard part
is going without the sex.

Don't take it personally, Coopie.

You're a great guy.

And if things were different...

Who knows?

l gotta go.

But maybe l'll see you later.

-Yeah. l'll see you...later.
-Goodbye.

She's not only smoking hot...

She's also extremely horny.

And for some unknown reason,
l think she likes me.

l've got to find a guy for June.

There's somebody out there
for her.

There's someone for everyone.

Boys!

Mom. Nate thinks he can
fix up the nottie.

She's got fur on her toes.

Mom!

l understand she has a little
problem with hair removal.

Has she tried the new lasers?

Worked great on my bikini line.

Grew back in like peach fuzz.

That's true.

But what are you going to do?

Laser her whole body?

l mean, you have any idea

what kind of radiation
that would entail?

What if l tell her that
she won a makeover?

Send her to a spa, pretty her up.

Somebody'll take her.

Please.

You want to flip this chick

you're gonna have to do a lot
more than just mow the lawn.

l got it!

What if l pay somebody
to go out with her?

Pause.

Look, you think l
haven't been trying?

All right.

This isn't about a single date.

This is about somebody special
in her life, okay?

And you ain't got that
kind of blood money, my man.

Arno.

The history of mankind
is filled with men saying

that something cannot be done.

who are frequently interrupted by
someone who is already doing it.

What does that even mean?

l don't know.

l saw it on your wall back there.

That is a beautiful blouse.

Thank you. l don't even know
what they're made of,

but they're wonderful.

Thanks. He's sweet.

The reason l asked you
to meet me here...

-And like l said...
-lt's not a date. l know.

l couldn't even think about
selfish desires like that.

l am just too concerned
about June.

You've really been thinking
about June.

Yeah.

That's so sweet.

And l gotta tell you
l am sickened by the fact

that none of these narrow
minded assholes

can see how beautiful she is just

"cause they can't get past
some infected toenails

and some backne, you know.

l know.

l feel the same way.

And l think l have found
the perfect guy for her.

What's his name?

Who?

The guy that's perfect for June.

That guy.

His name is...

Cole Slaw...son.

Cole Slawsen.

A good friend, of a friend.

And that guy's name is Mike.

All real.

So it's the four of us.

Wouldn't you consider
that a double date?

Well, we can throw
them in the pit together

and hope they come out alive.

Or we could lead them
into a friendship that

blossoms into a lifetime of love

lt would be a major step
if we could get her laid.

Right.

The whole lifetime of love
thing would just be a bonus.

lt's just that...she never has...

And l think a life without orgasms
is like a world without flowers.

l couldn't agree with you more.

Yeah, l do. l do.

No. No. Go.

Ew. Gross.

Other side.

Oh yeah.

Take it.

Okay, listen.

-No. No.
-Okay.

What if l were to tell you

that you could still
make the $500 bucks

but all you had to do was go out
on a few dates with a woman.

Does she have a vagina?

Yeah.

Actually, you're gonna have to
let me know if it goes that far?

ls this woman you in a dress?

No. No. This is a real woman.

But l have to be honest.

She's not necessarily pretty.

None of my girlfriends
have been pretty.

Good.

This is nice.

l'm gonna have her legs
behind her head.

Get her dude.

Oh, these are shoulder blades.

l thought they were wings.

l noticed you from across the bar.

And do you know what the
first thing l thought was?

Her daddy must be a baker "cause
she's got such a nice set of buns?

Do you really think
that all it takes

is a few hair plugs
some porcelain veneers

$250 jeans...to impress a girl
like Cris?

Or didn't that occur to you

while you were schlepping away
your days at the Porsche dealership.

to afford a few more of those
personal enhancements

Which, by the way,

will never hide that you
haven't been laid by anybody

you haven't had to pay for
in over a year.

So why don't you and your starry
head full of doll's hair

take a little walk back to the bar,
have another shot of Jager

And give my friend some space in
case a real man comes by, huh?

Who told you
l used to sell Porsches?

What?

What'd l tell you?

Pay our bar tab, bitch.

What did she say?

Oh god, they're here.

Oh my god, they're here.

God, l'm so nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Just do as l said.

Right.

Keep drinking.

Well that...and just be yourself.

-Okay?
-Okay.

Steal yourself, Cole Slawsen.

Oh, my name's not Cole Slawsen.

Oh...right.

Like l said,

-as long as she's female.
-Okay.

Oh my god, it has whiskers.

And no teeth.

Oh, no.

She has teeth.

They're just not
the conventional shade.

lt's fine. lt's fine.
's fine. Come on.

Hello, ladies.

Cole Slawsen,
this is Cristabel Abbott.

Hello.

And the lovely June Phigg.

Nice to meet you.

-lt speaks.
-She's a woman.

l can't do this
My dingus will fall off.

You were rolling down your
flesh files.

l want to be released
from my contract.

-ls it me?
-Sorry.

l'll triple your offer, Cole.

Fine.

We are too excited to do
this, girls.

Woo.

Now remember to stay focused,
okay?

lf you start to panic,
practice your breathing exercises.

And go into your tranquil haven.

l am a mighty warrior,
fearless and strong.

l admire your commitment
to excellence.

Now, where's that driver guy?

-Captain.
-Captain. Okay.

l told him to be here by three.

Ahoy! Sorry l'm late, folks.

Just had to grab my keys
from the rental office.

And l'm not feeling too well.

You're going to have to find
yourself another skipper.

Out of my way!

-Oh, shucks.
-No, no, no.

Breathe. Look at the beauty.

Drink some of this.

Okay.

What we're going to do now is
what l like to call winging it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We need you for the date.

Now this is
what l'm talking about.

Sun in my face, wind in my hair.

The smell of salt in the air.

lsn't this great?

Magnificent.

Okay...June,
how's your toe doing?

lt's a lot better, thanks.

This guy l work with at the zoo.

He works with the gorillas.

He actually mixed up a compound for
a silverback who had the same thing.

Okay, anyone want another drink?

Yes, yes.

Absolutely.

Are you okay?

Never better.

Cole has a little bit of
a problem with acid reflux.

l also have irritable
bowel syndrome.

And involuntary
explosive diarrhea, so...

There it goes.

l think l need to be excused.

-You know what? You shouldn't go.
-Yeah, l should.

You should probably stay around.

-No, l shouldn't.
-There's not even a bathroom close.

No, l can't do this.

Look at her.

No, no, no.

You're not going to go.

You're not going anywhere.

You know what?

Let's play a game.

We're going to play a game.

lt's gonna be fun.

lf the two of you could go
anywhere in the world on a date

Where would it be?

Home.

Okay

You know... You know what?

This is a question for me.

Nate. l'll take this one.

lf Nate could go anywhere in
the world on a date.

His dream date would be...Venice.

-Venice?
-Yeah.

That would be my dream date too.

Really?

Anywhere in particular?

No, nowhere really.

l just heard it was a great place
to get lost in.

Well, it's a gorgeous day out
and we're on this boat, so...

Let's go get some sun.

Let's do it...Cole Slawsen.

Get our tan up.

Breathe.

l got this.

l'm a mighty warrior.

Fearless and strong.

Come stop me.

Nate, good news.

l just my toenail.

You know, he's just cooling off.

The Coast Guard will
pick him up eventually.

This should cheer us up.

Good idea.

More alcohol.

That'll help.

Oh...dropped it.

Completely forgot l had this.

They were giving these out to all
the personal trainers in town.

Some sort of a promotion.

What is it?

Gift certificate to a chi-chi
Beverly Hills spa.

Ha. Look at that.

lt's for two people.

You know what?

The two of you
should really have this.

l mean,
l'm never going to use it.

Nate, this is for $2,000 worth
of spa treatments.

You don't say.

No, you and Cris should
go together.

l don't do well
with spa treatments

They tend to backfire.

That Cole was an idiot.

l saw plenty of other guys
checking you out.

Stop it, Cris. Come on.

We both know the only
male attention l get...

...is when they crawl
over me to get to you.

What about that guy who gave
you his card at the mall last week?

He was a dermatologist.

Well, he did offer to remove
your mole for free.

That's cool

He could have been flirting.

l heard somewhere that 95 percent
of the way others see you

is the way you see yourself.

Stop being
so self conscious around guys.

What am l supposed to do?

Pretend they're all blind?

l'm just saying you could try to
be more alluring and subtle.

Men like a little mystery.

Absolutely we do. Yes.

Unraveling the fairer sex is
one of life's greatest riddles.

Oh yeah. l'm the mysterious
type all right.

Nothing says subtle like an
infected toenail in your Chapstick.

June, don't be
so hard on yourself

You know what?

lt's fine.

lt's fine.

l know my place in life.

l allow your many suitors
to do their...

l'm a nice guy so l'm
talking to your ugly friend...

in the hopes that
l might get a glimpse

of your perfect breasts routine.

Right, Nate?

She's a little drunk.

You know, June, some people think
our bodies are like an Earth suit

A vessel that carries our soul

until you pass on from this
planet into the next dimension.

l don't even know
what that means.

Yeah, l'm sort of with
her on this one.

l'm just trying to help, okay?

Great.

Well...thanks for the help.

l'm such a bad friend.

No, that's ridiculous.

You were just trying to help.

Come on.

You're absolutely
wonderful to June.

l'm not.

l'm horrible.

l really made a promise to be
there for her.

You've been so sweet and

l'm really becoming
attracted to you.

You are?

And poor June's in there
crying her eyes out.

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't worry about her.

She's not crying.

She's probably
passed out by now.

l really like you, Nate.

Yeah?

And you're gonna
think l'm crazy, but...

l've thought about you
sometimes over the years.

Really?

l even used to look at our old
class picture once in a while.

lf someone were standing here
telling me that...

l would think they were crazy.

Or a pedophile.

But none of that matters now...

because l can't
just abandon June like that.

Look, l have a confession to make.

When you told me you
weren't dating

till June had
someone in her life...

l did see her as an obstacle.

l lied about the spa promotion.

l paid for it.

To give June a stealth makeover.

That's so sneaky.

l know it's awful.

But now l really do
wantto help her.

And l think l can.

But l need your help.

You know what?

l believe you.

Good.

Now stick with me.

l got a plan.

Are you guys sure this won't
have any residual effects?

Define residual.

Okay.

What we're going to do here today

is a combination of
aversion therapy

and do it yourself hypnosis.

Ma'am? Excuse me.

Hi. Could l um...

Are you insane?

No. Uh...

Okay.

Mmm...isn't it creamy
and delicious?

What a delightful reward for
your attraction to June.

No, no.

This is the good part.

l don't think l can do this.

No, no, no.

Let's not dwell in the negative,
Cole Slawsen.

Your Medieval Times
goblet is half full.

Huh?

Okay...get the pendant.

Your eyes are getting very heavy.

No.

l am going to
count backwards from ten.

And when l finish you will
only remain conscious

to the sound of
my mellifluous voice.

Ten, nine, eight, seven six.

Five...

Four, three, two...

One.

You will open your eyes.

And listen very carefully.

When you see this...

what you actually will be
seeing is this.

Hi, Space Lady.

Good.

When l count to four

You will wake up refreshed,
but you will remember...

nothing of what happened today.

You will, however,
remember my instructions

until which time you hear the phrase,

"l love ...

Midget ...mimes?

l love midget mimes.

Good.

One...

Two, three, four.

Oh, resistance is futile.

Wow, you guys look amazing.

June's going back next week
to get her mole removed finally.