All language subtitles for Mr. Deeds Goes To Town (1936)

[tires screeching]

[no audible dialogue]

Hey, listen, Corny,
who do you think you're talking to?

If the Semple attorneys don't know
who the heir is, who does?

Oh, come on, Corny.
I've done you a lot of favors.

What do you say?
Who's getting the Semple dough?

You're asking the wrong guy, Mac.
I'm only a press agent.

- Newspaperman?
- Wants to know who the heir is.

- Hang up.
- Sorry, Mac, I can't...

- Yeah, Mac, sure, but I ain't the attorney.
- Hang up.

Mr. Cedar is,
and I haven't seen him in two days.

Listen, Cedar, we got to do something
about the newspapers.

- I'm not interested in newspapers.
- But it's a great story.

Somewhere in this country,
a guy is walking into 20 million bucks.

Yes, I know.
My first concern is to locate the lucky man.

When I do, it's your job to keep
the newspapers away from him.

It's okay with me, as long as that
weekly stipend keeps coming in.

We located him, Mr. Cedar.

- We found out where he is.
- Good.

- Yes, John, we got him.
- Here's the report.

Longfellow Deeds, single, 28,
lives in Mandrake Falls, Vermont.

- Thank heaven.
- Better wire him right away, John.

I'll do no such thing. I'm going there
myself. You're going with me, too, Anderson.

- And you, too, Cobb.
- [woman] Yes?

Make three reservations on the first train
out to Mandrake Falls, Vermont.

- Where?
- Mandrake Falls. M-A-N...

[man]
"Welcome to Mandrake Falls

"Where the scenery enthralls

"Where no hardship e'er befalls

Welcome to Mandrake Falls"

- That's pretty.
- Are you sure this is the town he lives in?

Yes, sir, Mr. Cedar,
this is the town, all right.

Well, I dropped everything at the office.
I hope it's not a wild-goose chase.

No, sir, we checked it thoroughly.
He lives here, all right.

Aha. I spy a native. Let's ask him.

- Good morning.
- Morning, neighbors, morning.

Uh...

That's an excellent start.
At least we've broken the ice.

I say, my friend, do you know a fellow
by the name of Longfellow Deeds?

- Deeds? Yes, sir. Yes, indeedy.
- Yes.

- Everyone knows Deeds.
- Yeah, would...

Must be a game he's playing.

We'd like to get in touch with him.
It's very important.

- Who's that?
- Deeds. Who do you think I'm talking about?

Oh, yes, Deeds. Fine fellow.
Very democratic.

You would have no trouble at all.
Talks to anybody.

- I guess we better try somebody else.
- No, we won't.

The next time that jumping jack comes out,

I'll straddle him while you ask him
your questions.

Morning, neighbors.

Remember us? We're the fellows
who were here a minute ago?

Oh, yeah, yes, indeedy.
I never forget a face.

Listen, pop.

We've come all the way from New York
to look up a fellow by the name of Deeds.

It's important. It's very important.

You don't have to get rough,
neighbor. All you got to do is ask.

Then please pretend, for just
one fleeting moment, that I'm asking.

- Where does he reside?
- Who?

Longfellow Deeds.
Where does he live?

Oh, that's what you want.

Well, why didn't you say so
in the first place,

instead of beating around the bush?

Those other fellows don't know
what they're talking about.

Come on.
I'll take you there in my car.

If they'd only explained to me what
they want, there would be no trouble.

[knocking]

Oh. Well, will you come in,
please, gentlemen?

- Mr. Deeds in?
- No.

He's over to the park, arranging the bazaar
so as to raise money for the fire engine.

Mal, you should've knowed
he was in the park.

Knew it all the time, but these men
said they wanted to see the house.

Can't read their minds if they don't
say what they want.

Come in, please. Come in.

- Can I get you a cup of tea?
- No, thank you.

Sit down. Sure I couldn't get you
a glass of lemonade or something?

No. That's very kind of you.

- Are you related to him?
- No, I'm his housekeeper.

Well, we'd like to find out something
about him. What does he do for a living?

He and Jim Mason own the tallow works,
but that's not where he makes his money.

- He makes most of it from his poetry.
- He writes poetry?

Oh, my goodness, yes.
Longfellow's famous.

He writes all those things on postcards.

You know, for Christmas and Easter
and birthdays.

Sit down, please.

Here's one. He got $25 for this one.

"When you've nowhere to turn
and you're filled with doubt

"Don't stand in midstream hesitating

"For you know that your mother's
heart cries out,

'I'm waiting, my boy,
I'm waiting."'

Isn't that beautiful?
Isn't it a lovely sentiment?

Yeah.

- [whimpering]
- Here he is now.

Go. Go on.

I suggest you break it to him gently.
He's liable to keel over from the shock.

They've been waiting a long while.

- Who are they?
- I don't know.

- Mr. Longfellow Deeds?
- Yes.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I'm John Cedar, of the New York firm
of Cedar, Cedar, Cedar & Budington.

"Cedar, Cedar, Cedar & Budington."

Budington must feel like
an awful stranger, hmm?

[chuckles]

- Mr. Cornelius Cobb. Mr. Anderson.
- How do you do?

You gentlemen make
yourselves comfortable.

Thank you.

Thanks.

New mouthpiece.
Been waiting two weeks for this.

Kids keep swiping them all the time.
They use them for bean shooters.

♪♪

- What can I do for you gentlemen?
- You gentlemen going to stay to lunch?

- I'd like to ask you a few questions.
- All right.

Mr. Deeds, are you the son
of Dr. Joseph and Mary Deeds?

- Yes.
- Your parents living?

Why, no.

Well, Mr. Deeds, does the name of
Martin W. Semple mean anything to you?

Not much.
He's an uncle of mine, I think.

I never saw him. But my mother's
name was Semple, you know.

Well, he passed on. He was killed
in a motor accident in Italy.

He was? Gee, that's too bad.

- If there's anything I can do to...
- I have good news for you, sir.

Mr. Semple left a large fortune
when he died.

He left it all to you, Mr. Deeds.

Deducting the taxes, it amounts
to something in the neighborhood

of $20,000,000.

How about lunch?
Are the gentlemen going to stay or not?

Of course they're gonna stay.

She's got some fresh orange layer cake,
you know, with the thick stuff on the top.

Sure. They don't want
to go to the hotel.

♪♪

Perhaps you didn't hear what I said,
Mr. Deeds.

The whole Semple fortune
goes to you, $20,000,000.

Oh, yes, I heard you, all right.
$20,000,000, that's quite a lot, isn't it?

- Oh, it'll do in a pinch.
- Yes, indeed.

I wonder why he left me all that money.
I don't need it.

♪♪

♪♪ [continues]

Mr. Cobb here is an ex-newspaperman.

Associated with your uncle
for many years as a sort of buffer.

Buffer?

- Yeah. A glorified doormat.
- [chuckles]

You see, rich people need someone to keep
the crowds away. The world's full of pests.

And then there's the newspapers
to handle.

One must know when to seek publicity
and when to avoid it.

Cedar, Cedar, Cedar & Budington.

It's funny, I can't think of a rhyme
for Budington.

Why should you?

Well, whenever I run across a funny name,
I like to poke around for a rhyme.

- Don't you?
- No.

- I've got one for Cobb.
- Yeah?

"There once was a man named Cobb
Who kept Semple away from the mob

"Came the turn of the tide
And Semple, he died

Now poor Cobb's out of a job"

[chuckling]

- Sounds like a two weeks' notice to me.
- Huh?

I've gotten the sackeroo in many ways,
but never in rhyme.

Oh, I don't mean that.
I'm sure I'm gonna need your help.

Oh, that's different if it's just poetry.

- Are you a married man, Mr. Deeds?
- Who, me? No.

No, he's too fussy for that.
That's what's the matter with him.

There's lots of nice girls
right here in Mandrake Falls

- that are dying to be married...
- Don't pay any attention to her.

He's got a lot of foolish notions
about saving a lady in distress.

- Now you keep out of this.
- Ah.

Saving a lady in distress, eh?

Well, I suppose we all have dreams
like that when we're young.

Well, incidentally, we'd better get
started. You'll have to pack.

- What for?
- You're going to New York with us.

- When?
- This afternoon, 4:00.

I don't think we got any suitcases.

Well, we could borrow a couple
from Mrs. Simpson.

You know, she went to Niagara Falls
last year.

I'm kind of nervous. I've never been
away from Mandrake Falls in my life.

- Kind of like to see Grant's tomb, though.
- Son, I can understand that.

We'll take a walk around town.
Meet you at the train at 4:00.

Congratulations, Mr. Deeds.

You're one of the richest men
in the country.

I'll see you later. Good-bye.
Thank you.

- See you later, kid.
- Good day, sir.

[door opens, closes]

Did you hear what he said?
Do you know how much $20,000,000 is?

[woman] I don't care how much it is.
You sit right there and eat your lunch.

You haven't touched a thing.

♪♪ [marching band]

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny,
which nobody can deny ♪

- I can't find him.
- You can't?

I've looked everywhere,
even went to his house. It's locked up.

Probably had a change of heart.

He wasn't very anxious to come
in the first place.

- Here comes the train.
- Get back. Get back.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

- Look.
- What?

That tuba player.

♪ Which nobody can deny,
which nobody can deny ♪

Well, now I've seen everything.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪♪ [tuba only]

[cheering]

♪♪ ["Auld Lang Syne"]

♪♪ [continues]

Good-bye, Mrs. Meredith!

Bye, Jim!

Bye, Buddy!

Gosh, I got a lot of friends.

[train horn blaring]

[horn continues blaring]

- Have a drink?
- No, thanks.

You'll have a cigar?

No, thank you.

I wouldn't worry if I were you.

Of course, a large fortune like this
entails a great responsibility,

but you'll have a good deal of help.

So don't worry.
Leave everything to me.

- No, I wasn't worried about that.
- No?

I was wondering where they're gonna
get another tuba player for the band.

[coughing]

- Hello, John. Where you been?
- Hello. I've been fishing.

- Morning.
- Morning, Mr. Cedar.

[chattering]

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Where are they?
- Waiting for you in the other office.

- Good morning, Mr. Cedar.
- Morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Cedar.
- Morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Cedar.
- Morning.

- Hello, boys.
- Well, John...

Well, what's he like?

We've nothing to worry about.
He's as naive as a child.

- John...
- Close that door.

Will you get Mrs. Cedar
on the phone, please?

Come on, come on, John,
what happened?

You know, the smartest thing I ever did
was to make that trip.

- John, did you get the...
- No, Budington.

I didn't get the power of attorney,
but don't worry, I will.

I asked him last night what he
was going to do with the money.

- What do you suppose he said?
- What?

- I can't imagine.
- He said he guessed he'd give it away.

- Give it away?
- The boy must be a nitwit.

Well, John, you had the right hunch.

John, if you don't mind my saying so,
we can't afford...

I know, Budington. We can't afford
to have the books investigated right now.

You must have said that
a thousand times already.

But what if they fall
into somebody else's hands?

Well, it hasn't happened yet, has it?

But half a million dollars,
my goodness, where will you...

Will you stop worrying?

It was I who got old man Semple
to turn everything over to us, wasn't it?

And who got
power of attorney from him?

All right, and I'll get it again.

Now, take it easy.
Those books will never leave this office.

- ♪♪ [big band]
- Yokel. Nothing but a yokel.

Your uncle must've been mad
to leave all that money to him.

You're as closely related to him
as he is, and what did you get?

♪♪ [volume increases]

♪♪ [off]

- I say, what did you get?
- Stop yelling.

- Can I help it if my uncle didn't like me?
- I told you to be nice to him.

Ten years we've been waiting
for that old man to kick off.

Then we were gonna be on easy street.
Yeah, on easy street.

Shut up. It's too late now.
And you're a nuisance.

That's just what I'm gonna be,
a nuisance.

I'm gonna be a nuisance until I get
a hold of some of that money.

He's news.

Every time he blows his nose, it's news.

A corn-fed bohunk like that falling
into the Semple fortune is hot copy.

It's got to be personal.
It's got to have an angle.

What does he think about?

How does it feel to be a millionaire?
Is he going to get married?

What does he think of New York?
Is he smart? Is he dumb? A million angles.

He's been here three days,
and what have you numbskulls brought in?

- Any half-wit novice could've done better.
- Yeah, but we tried to find...

Am I talking too loud
or annoying anybody?

Well, you know Corny Cobb.
He's keeping him under lock and key.

Cobb. Cobb. Never mind about Cobb.
Use what little brains you've got.

Find out something for yourselves,
you imbecilic stupes.

Now get out of here before I really
tell you what I think of you.

Go on. Get out.

[muttering]

- What was that?
- I said you were... You had dirty plaster.

You, too.

Thought I could depend on you, but
you're getting as bad as the rest of them.

Look. I can do it.

What's gotten into you, Babe?

I remember the time when you'd blast
this town wide open

before you'd let Cobb get away
with a thing like this.

Oh, he's not getting away with anything.

Listen, Babe, get me some stuff
on this guy and you can have...

- Can I have a month's vacation?
- With pay.

- With pay?
- Uh-huh.

Leave four columns open
on the front page tomorrow.

Now you're talking, Babe.
I'll keep the whole front page open.

- What are you gonna do?
- Have lunch.

It's the first time I ever had
a suit made on purpose.

[chuckles]

It's merely a suggestion.
I don't wish to press the point, Mr. Deeds.

But if you'll give me your power of attorney,
we'll take care of everything.

It'll save you a lot of petty annoyances.

Every shop in town will be trying
to sell you something.

Oh, yes. There've been a lot of them
around here already.

Strangest kind of people.

Salesmen, politicians, moochers.
All want something.

And I haven't had a minute to myself.
Haven't seen Grant's tomb yet.

Well, you see, your uncle didn't bother

with that sort of thing.
He left everything to us.

He traveled most of the time
and enjoyed himself.

You should do the same thing,
Mr. Deeds.

Besides wanting to be my lawyer,
you wanna handle my investments, too?

Yes. That is to say...

Well, outside of your regular fee,
how much extra would it cost?

- Oh, nothing. No extra charge.
- Well, that involves a lot of extra work.

Yes, but that's an added service

a firm like Cedar, Cedar,
Cedar & Budington usually donates.

Budington.
[chuckling]

Funny, I can't think of a rhyme
for Budington yet, but...

The gentlemen from the opera
are still waiting in the boardroom, sir.

They're getting a trifle impatient, sir.

They are? I forgot all about them.
What do you think they want?

Well, your uncle was chairman
of the board of directors.

They probably expect you to carry on.

I'll tell those mugs to keep their
shirts on and that you'll be right down.

Thanks.

Oh, did you send that telegram
to Jim Mason yet?

Jim Mason? Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, I didn't send it.
I've got it written out, though. Here it is.

"Arthur's been with the tallow works
too long. Stop.

Don't think we should fire him.
Longfellow."

That's fine. Send it right away.
I don't want him to fire Arthur.

Oh, sure, sure,
we don't want to fire Arthur.

He was the last baby my father
delivered, Arthur was.

I think you ought to give this matter
some thought, Mr. Deeds.

- Huh?
- I mean about the power of attorney.

Oh, yes, yes, I will.
I'll give it a lot of thought.

There was a fellow named Winslow
here a little while ago,

wanted to handle my business
for nothing, too.

Puzzles me why these people all want
to work for nothing. It isn't natural.

So I guess I'd better think
about it some more.

That's that.

You go to an awful lot of work to
keep a fellow warm, don't you?

- Yes, sir.
- A Mr. Hallor to see you, sir.

- Did you say "Hallor"?
- Yes.

Well, don't let him in.

Why not? Who's he?

A lawyer representing a woman.
Some claim against the estate.

Tell him to see me at my office.

Well, if he has a claim,
we'd better see him. Send him in.

Well, he's capable of causing you
a lot of trouble, Mr. Deeds.

How can he make any trouble for me?
I haven't done anything.

I thought I told you to take this
matter up with me, Hallor.

I'm a little tired of being pushed
around by you, Mr. Cedar.

I don't care how important you are.

- Mr. Deeds, I represent Mrs. Semple.
- Mrs. Semple?

Yes, your uncle's common-law wife.
She has a legal claim on the estate.

Suppose we let
the courts decide what...

You wouldn't dare go into court with
a case like this, and you know it.

I leave it to you, Mr. Deeds.

Can you conceive of any court
not being in sympathy with a woman

who gave up the best years of her life
for an old man like your uncle?

- What kind of a wife did you say she was?
- Common-law wife.

- And on top of that, there's a child.
- Child? My uncle?

- Yes, sir.
- Well, that's awful.

The poor woman
should be taken care of immediately.

Well, I'm glad to see you're willing
to be reasonable, Mr. Deeds.

Well, if she was his wife, she should
have all the money. That's only fair.

- I don't want a penny.
- Don't make any rash promises.

You better get right down there.

That opera mob is about to break
into the mad song from Lucia.

Oh, I don't wanna keep them waiting
any longer. They're important people.

Very good, sir. Right here, sir.

I can't go down like this, though.

Right here, sir.

I wish you'd go along with me.
Cobb, they're all strangers to me.

- Well, what about it, Mr. Deeds?
- Huh?

Oh. You'll excuse me, won't you?
I'll be right back.

Gee, I'm busy. Do the opera people
always come here for their meetings?

Uh-huh.

- That's funny. Why's that?
- Why do mice go where there's cheese?

From what I'm led to believe,
the young man's quite childish.

I don't think we'll have any difficulty
getting him to put up the entire amount.

- After all, it's only a matter of $180,000.
- Excellent idea.

You know, gentlemen,
we're really very fortunate

the young man is so sympathetic
toward music.

- He plays the tuba in the town band.
- [laughter]

- Here he comes.
- Good.

Now, gentlemen,
the first order of business

will be the election a new chairman
of the board.

As a sentimental gesture toward
the best friend that opera ever had,

the late Mr. Semple,

I think it only fitting that his nephew,
Mr. Longfellow Deeds,

should be made our next chairman.

- I therefore nominate him.
- Second.

- All those in favor?
- [men] Aye!

Carried.

Our congratulations, Mr. Deeds.

- I'm chairman?
- Why, yes, of course.

You've just been elected.

- I'm chairman.
- Happy voyage.

Right here, Mr. Deeds.

Now, the next order of business
is the reading of the secretary's minutes.

- Move we dispense with it.
- Second.

- All in favor?
- [men] Aye!

I think they can be dispensed with.

We're ready now for the reading
of the treasurer's report.

- Move we dispense with it.
- Second.

- All in favor.
- [men] Aye.

Quite right. Now, gentlemen,
the next order of business...

Well, just a minute.
What does the chairman do?

Why, the chairman presides the meeting.

Well, that's what I thought.

But, if you don't mind, I'm rather
interested in the treasurer's report.

I'd like to hear it.

[man clears throat]

The treasurer reports a deficit
of $180,000 for the current year.

A deficit?
You mean we lost that much?

You see, Mr. Deeds, the opera
is not conducted for profit.

It isn't? What is it conducted for?

- Why, it's an artistic institution.
- Uh...

- We own an opera house, don't we?
- We do.

- And we give shows?
- We provide opera.

But you charge.
I mean, you sell tickets?

- Of course.
- And it doesn't pay?

Well, that's impossible.
The opera has never paid.

Well, then, we must give
the wrong kind of shows.

[man] The wrong kind? Well, there isn't
any wrong kind or right kind.

Opera is opera.

I guess it is, but I personally wouldn't
care to be the head of a business

that kept losing money.

That wouldn't be common sense.

Incidentally, where is the $180,000
coming from?

Well, we were rather expecting it
to come from you.

- Me?
- Naturally.

Excuse me, gentlemen.
There's nothing natural about that.

[siren wailing]

Hey! Fire engine!

[siren continues wailing]

[no audible dialogue]

Gee, that was a pip.

We're gonna have one like that
in Mandrake Falls pretty soon,

with a siren, too.

Uh, where were we?

You see, Mr. Deeds, the opera is not
conducted like any ordinary business.

- Why not?
- Because it just isn't a business,

that's all.

Well, maybe it isn't to you,
but it certainly is a business to me

if I have to make up a loss
of $180,000.

If it's losing that much money,
there must be something wrong.

Maybe you charge too much.

Maybe you're selling
bad merchandise. Maybe...

A lot of things. I don't know.

You see, I expect to do a lot
of good with that money,

and I can't afford to put it into
anything that I don't look into.

That's my decision
for the time being, gentlemen.

Good-bye, and thank you
for making me chairman.

Gentlemen, you'll find the smelling salts
in the medicine chest.

Sorry to keep you waiting so long.

Those opera people are funny.
They wanted me to put up $180,000.

- What about it, Mr. Deeds?
- Why, I turned them down, naturally.

- No, no, I mean about my client.
- Oh.

Well, we'll have to do something
about the common wife.

- Tails tonight, sir?
- Tails?

Why, that's a monkey suit.
Do you want people to laugh at me?

I've never worn one of those things
in my life.

- Yes, sir.
- Good-bye, and thank you, sir.

Bye. Wants me to wear a monkey suit.

Of course, we don't want
to appear greedy, Mr. Deeds.

- Huh?
- I say, we don't want to appear greedy.

Oh, that.

- What do you think you're doing?
- Why, I'm assisting you, sir.

Get up from there. I don't want anybody
holding the ends of my pants.

- Get up from there.
- Yes, sir.

Hmph. Imagine that.
Holding the ends of my pants.

Mrs. Semple is entitled by law
to one-third of the estate.

And don't ever get
on your knees again, understand?

No, sir.

Excuse me. What'd you say?

Mrs. Semple is entitled
to one-third of the estate.

One-third.
That's about $7,000,000, isn't it?

Well, we didn't expect that much.

I'm sure I can get her to settle
quietly for one million.

If there's any talk of settlement, Hallor,
take it up with me at the office.

- I'll do no such thing.
- That's right. Don't you go to his office.

There's only one place you're going,
and that's out the door.

- What? You're making a mistake, Mr. Deeds.
- Oh, no, I'm not.

I don't like your face.

Besides, there's something fishy about

a person who would settle
for $1,000,000,

when they can get $7,000,000.

I'm surprised that Mr. Cedar,
who's supposed to be a smart man,

couldn't see through that.

Now, wait a minute, buddy...

One nice thing about being rich,
you ring a bell and things happen.

When the servant comes in, Mr. Hallor,
I'm gonna ask him to show you to the door.

Many people don't know where it is.

No use in getting tough.
That'll get you nowhere, Deeds.

You know, we got letters.

- Will you show Mr. Hallor to the front door?
- Yes, sir.

And listen, there isn't any wife,

there aren't any letters,
and I think you're a crook,

so you'd better watch your step.

I can't hold out any longer.

Lamb bites wolf. Beautiful.

It's only common sense.

I can't hold out any longer either,
Mr. Deeds.

Being an attorney for you will be
a very simple affair.

You're not my attorney yet, Mr. Cedar,
not till I find out what's on your mind.

Suppose you get the books straightened
out quick, so I can have a look at them.

Yes, of course, if you wish.

But you must be prepared.
This sort of thing will be daily routine.

If it becomes annoying,
you let me know.

Good-bye, Mr. Deeds.

Good-bye, sir.

Even his hands are oily.

Well, how about tonight?

What would you like
in the way of entertainment?

Entertainment?

Your uncle had a weakness for dark ones.
Tall and stately.

How would you like yours?
Dark or fair?

Tall or short? Fat or thin?
Tough or tender?

- What are you talking about?
- Women.

- Ever heard of them?
- Oh. [chuckles]

Name your poison, and I'll supply it.

Well, some other time, Cobb.
Some other time.

Okay. You're the boss.
When your blood begins to boil, yell out.

I'll be seeing you.

He talks about women
as if they were cattle.

Every man to his taste, sir.

Tell me, Walter, are all these stories
I hear about my uncle true?

Well, sir, he sometimes had as many
as 20 in the house at the same time, sir.

20? What'd he do with them?

That is something
I was never able to find out, sir.

Hey. You going out?

- Well, yes. Isn't that all right?
- No.

You never want to go out
without telling us.

- Who are you?
- [together] We're your bodyguards.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Mr. Cobb said stick to your tail,
no matter what.

Well, that's very nice of Mr. Cobb,

but I don't want anybody sticking
to my tail, no matter what.

Sorry, mister. Orders is orders.

- Is that so?
- Yes, sir.

We gotta get you up in the morning,
we gotta put you to bed at night.

Only it's all right. No matter what
we see, we don't see nothing, see?

- Well, that's gonna be fun.
- Some people like it.

Will you do something for me
before we go out?

- Sure.
- Put that away, slug. At your service.

I got a trunk in that room.
Will you get it out for me?

- Certainly.
- With pleasure.

- [men] Hey! Hey!
- [pounding on door]

We're your bodyguards!
You can't do this!

- Hey!
- We're your bodyguards! Hey!

There he is.

- Yup, that's him.
- That's who?

- Get your cameras ready and follow me.
- What are you gonna do?

Never mind. Follow me
and grab whatever you can get.

I suppose it's gonna be
the same old thing.

- I tell you, that dame's nuts.
- Right.

- You fainted.
- Oh, did I? I'm sorry.

- Can I help you?
- No, thank you. I'll be all right.

- Look, this is my house. I'd like to...
- Oh, no, really. I'll be all right.

What happened?

Well, I... I guess I walked too much.

I've been looking for a job all day,
I... I found one, too. I start tomorrow.

You've been awfully kind.
Thank you very much.

[car approaching]

Hey, taxi!

[tires screeching]

Hey, Stu, follow that cab
they just got into, will you?

Hurry up! Step on it!

- Come on, come on. Let's go.
- Hurry up!

♪♪

♪♪ [continues]

Feel better now?

Mm.

This tastes so good.

Mr. Deeds, I don't know
how I can ever thank you.

Tell me more about yourself.

Well, I guess I've told you
almost everything there is to tell.

My folks live in a small town near Hartford.

I'm down here alone trying to make a living.

Oh, I'm really just a nobody.

[no audible dialogue]

Oh, that was so lovely. Thank you.

You were a lady in distress, weren't you?

- What?
- Well, nothing. I...

- Waiter. Has anybody come in yet?
- Huh? Oh, no. Nobody important.

Be sure and point them out to me,
won't you?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm a writer myself, you know.

- Uh-huh.
- I write poetry.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you've been having
quite an exciting time here, haven't you?

With all these meetings and business
deals, and society people.

- Haven't you been having fun?
- No.

That is, I didn't, not till I met you.
I like talking to you, though.

Imagine my finding you
right on my doorstep.

- Brookfield's just come in.
- Who? The poet? Where?

Over at that big round table.
The one that looks like a poodle.

[chattering]

- Look, there's Brookfield, the poet.
- Oh, really?

Pardon.

Longfellow Deeds, who just inherited
the Semple fortune, wants to meet you.

Oh, yes. I read about him.
He writes poetry on postcards.

Well, let's invite him over.
Might get a couple of laughs.

- Getting rather dull around here.
- It's always dull here.

- I'll get him.
- Good.

Mr. Henaberry. Mr. Morrow. Bill.

This is Mr. Deeds
and his fiancée from Mandrake Falls.

How do you do, Mr. Deeds?

Nice of you to ask us
to come and sit with you.

Back home we never get a chance
to meet famous people.

- Waiter, a little service here.
- Yes, a little drink for Mr. Deeds.

Poet, have a drink.

- No, I don't want it, thank you.
- Well, you must drink. All poets drink.

Tell me, Mr. Deeds,
how do you go about writing your poems?

We craftsmen are very interested
in one another's methods.

Yes, do you have to wait for an
inspiration, or do you just dash it off?

Well, I don't...

Morrow over there for instance
just dashes them off.

Yeah. That's what my publishers
have been complaining about.

[laughter]

Well, your readers don't complain,
Mr. Morrow.

- Oh. Thanks. Thanks.
- How about you, Mr. Deeds?

Well, I write mine on order.

The people I work for
just tell me what they want,

- and then I go to work and write it.
- Amazing.

Why, that's true genius.

Yes, have you any peculiar
characteristics when you're creating?

- Well, I play the tuba.
- How original.

[laughter]

Well, I've been playing
the harmonica for 40 years.

- Didn't do me a bit of good.
- [laughter]

You wouldn't have one in your pocket,
would you, Mr. Deeds?

- What, a tuba?
- [laughter]

No, a postcard with one of
your poems on it.

Oh, no...

You mean to tell me you don't carry
a pocketful around with you?

Oh, too bad. I was hoping
you'd autograph one for me.

- I was, too.
- Now wait a minute, boys.

- Perhaps Mr. Deeds would recite one for us.
- Yeah.

That's a very good idea.
Nothing like a poet reciting his own stuff.

How about a Mother's Day poem,
Mr. Deeds?

Exactly. Give us one that rings
the great American heart.

- Yes. Go ahead.
- That's a good idea.

I guess I get the idea.

I guess I know why I was invited here,
to make fun of me.

- Oh, no, not at all.
- Don't be ridiculous.

Look, he's temperamental.

Yeah? What if I am? What about it?

It's easy to make fun of somebody if
you don't care how much you hurt them.

I think your poems are swell,
Mr. Brookfield, but I'm disappointed in you.

I know I must look funny to you,

but maybe if you went to Mandrake Falls
you'd look just as funny to us,

only nobody'd laugh at you
and make you feel ridiculous

'cause that wouldn't be good manners.

I guess maybe it is comical
to write poems for postcards.

But a lot of people think they're good.
Anyway, it's the best I can do.

So if you'll excuse me,
we'll be leaving.

I guess I found out that all famous
people aren't big people.

[laughter]

- Look, he's burning up.
- There's just one thing more.

If it weren't for Miss Dawson
being here with me,

- I'd probably bump your heads together.
- Oh, I don't mind.

Well, then I guess maybe I will.

- [patrons exclaiming]
- [groans]

Waiter. Get him.

- [chattering]
- Eureka.

Stop it. Just go away, go away,
go away. Step aside. Step aside.

Say, fella, you neglected me
and I feel very put out.

Look, sock it right there, will you?
Lay one right in the butt. Sock it hard.

- That's all right. I've got it off my chest.
- Oh, listen.

The difference between them and me
is that I know when I've been a skunk.

You take me to the nearest newsstand
and I'll eat a pack of your postcards raw.

Raw!

Oh, what a magnificent deflation
of smugness!

Pal, you've added 10 years
to my life.

A poet with a straight left
and a right hook? Delicious. Delicious.

You're my guest from now on,
forever and a day, even unto eternity.

Well, thanks, but Miss Dawson and I
are going out to see the sights.

Fine. Fine. Swell.

You've just shown me a sight lovely
to behold, and I'd like to reciprocate.

Listen, you hop aboard
my magic carpet... Thanks.

And I'll show you sights
that you've never seen before.

Well, I'd kind of like to see Grant's tomb
and the Statue of Liberty.

Well, you'll not only see those,
but before the evening's half through

you'll be leaning
against the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

You'll mount Mount Everest.

I'll show you the pyramids
and all the little pyramidees

leaping from sphinx to sphinx.

Pal, look, how would you like to go
on a real old-fashioned binge?

- Binge?
- Yeah, I mean the real McCoy.

Listen, you play saloon with me

and I'll introduce you to every wit,
every nitwit and every half-wit in New York.

We'll go on a twister that'll make
Omar, the soused philosopher of Persia,

look like an anemic
on a goat's milk diet.

- I guess that ought to be fun, huh?
- Fun? Say...

Listen, I'll take you on a bender

that will live in your memory
as a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

Boy? Boy, my headpiece!

O Tempora! O Mores! O Bacchus!

- Oh, you're drunk.
- Oh, you're right!

I guess if we go with him,
we'll see things, huh?

Yeah, I guess we will.

"'I play the tuba to help me think.'

"This is one of the many startling
statements made by Longfellow Deeds,

"New York's new Cinderella Man,

"who went out last night to prove
that his uncle, the late M.W. Semple,

"from whom he inherited $20,000,000,

was a rank amateur in the art of
standing the town on its cauliflower ear."

[laughing]

"Cinderella Man."
That's sensational, Babe, sensational.

Took some high-powered acting,
believe me.

- Did it?
- I was the world's sweetest ingénue.

- Is he really that big a sap?
- Ha!

He's the original.
There are no carbon copies of that one.

"Cinderella Man."
Babe, you've stuck a title on that hick

that'll stick to him the rest of his life.

Can you imagine Cobb's face
when he reads this?

[both laugh]

If we could sell tickets,
we'd make a fortune.

- How'd you get the picture?
- Had the boys follow us.

Marvelous.

"At 2:00 this morning,
Mr. Deeds tied up traffic

"while he fed a bagful
of donuts to a horse.

[laughs]

"When asked why he was doing it,
he replied,

"'I just wanted to see
how many donuts this horse would eat

before he asked for a cup of coffee."'

[laughing]

Beautiful. What happened after that?

I don't know.
I had to duck to get the story out.

He was so far gone,
he never even missed me.

When are you gonna see him again?

Tonight, maybe. I'll phone him at noon.
Oh, my lunch hour.

I'm a stenographer, you know.
Mary Dawson.

You're a genius, Babe, a genius.

I even moved
into Mabel Dawson's apartment,

in case old snoopy Cobb
might start looking around.

Good. Good, stay there.
Don't show your face down here.

I'll tell everybody
you're on your vacation.

They'll never know
where the stories are coming from.

Stick close to him, Babe.

You can get an exclusive story
out of him every day for a month.

We'll have the other papers crazy.

- Babe, I could kiss you.
- Oh, no. No.

- Our deal was for a month's vacation.
- Sure.

- With pay.
- You'll get it, Babe. You'll get it.

Mr. Deeds. Mr. Deeds, sir.

You really must get up. It's late.

- You're Walter, aren't you?
- Yes, sir.

Just wanted to make sure.

If you'll permit me to say so, sir, you
were out on quite a bender last night, sir.

Bender?

You're wrong, Walter. We started out
to a binge, but we never got to it.

Yes, sir.

- Oh, what's that?
- A prairie oyster, sir.

- Prairie oyster?
- Yes, sir.

It makes the head feel smaller.

Oh.

Has...
[clears throat]

Has Miss Dawson called yet?

Miss Dawson, sir? No, sir.
No Miss Dawson's called, sir.

She was a lady in distress.
She wouldn't let me help her.

- Had a lot of pride. I like that.
- Oh, I do, too, sir.

I'd better call her up and apologize.
I don't remember taking her home last night.

I'd venture to say, sir,

you don't remember much of anything
that happened last night, sir.

What do you mean?
I remember everything.

Hand me my pants. I wrote her
phone number on a piece of paper.

You have no pants, sir.
You came home last night without them.

I did what?

As a matter of fact,
you came home without any clothes.

You were in your shorts. Yes, sir.

Oh, don't be silly, Walter.

I couldn't walk around on the streets
without any clothes. I'd be arrested.

That's what the two policemen
said, sir.

- What two policemen?
- The ones who brought you home, sir.

They said you and another gentleman kept
walking up and down the street shouting,

"Back to nature. Clothes are
a blight on civilization. Back to nature."

Listen, Walter, if a man named
Morrow calls up, tell him I'm not in.

He may be a great author,
but I think he's crazy.

The man's crazy, Walter.

Yes, sir.

Oh, by the way, did... Did you...

- The knee.
- But how will I put on the slipper, sir?

Yes, sir.

I beg pardon, sir, but did you ever find
what you were looking for, sir?

Looking for?

You kept searching me last night,
sir, going through all my pockets.

You said you were looking
for a rhyme for "Budington."

- Better bring me some coffee, Walter.
- Very good, sir.

Oh, I beg pardon.
A telegram came for you, sir.

I'll get you some black coffee, sir.

Did you see all this stuff in the paper?

- Arthur wants to quit.
- Arthur? Who's Arthur?

He's the shipping clerk at the tallow works.
He wants a $2 raise, or he'll quit.

What do I care about Arthur?
Did you see this stuff in the paper?

How did it get in there?
What did you do last night?

Who were you talking to?
And what did you do to those bodyguards?

They quit this morning.
Said you locked them up.

Oh, they insisted on following me.

What do you think
bodyguards are for?

What do they mean by this?
"Cinderella Man."

- Are those stories true?
- "Cinderella Man"?

What do they mean by that?

They'd call you anything
if you gave them half a chance.

They got you down as a sap.

I think I'll go down
and punch this editor in the nose.

No, you don't. Get this clear.

Socking people in the nose
is no solution for anything.

- Sometimes it's the only solution.
- Not editors. Take my word for it.

Not editors.

- If they're gonna poke fun at me, I'm--
- Listen, Longfellow.

You got brains, kid.

You'll get along swell if you'll
only curb your homicidal instincts.

And keep your trap shut.
Don't talk to anybody.

These newshounds
are out gunning for you.

- And what about this "Cinderella Man"?
- That's my job. I'll take care of that.

I'll keep that stuff
out of the papers if you'll help me.

But I can't do anything
if you go around talking to people.

Will you promise me
to be careful from now on, huh?

- Yes, I guess I'll have to.
- Thank you.

If you feel the building rock,
it'll be me, blasting into this editor.

Cobb's right.
I mustn't talk to anybody.

- Miss Dawson on the phone, sir.
- Who? Miss Dawson?

Yes, sir.

Fine. I'll talk to her.
Give me the phone, quick.

She's the only one I'm gonna
talk to from now on.

Awfully nice of you
to show me around like this.

I enjoy it.

The aquarium was swell. If I lived
in New York, I'd go there every day.

I bet you do.

Well, I'd like to,
but I have a job to think of.

Hey, flap ears,
you better keep following that bus!

Keep your shirt on!

Well, looks as though
we're gonna get no pictures tonight.

Babe ought to get him drunk again.

Got any news? I mean, has anything
exciting been happening lately?

- Sure. I met you.
- Oh.

What's happening about the opera?

Oh, that. Well, we had another meeting.
I told them I'd go on being chairman if...

- I'm chairman, you know.
- Yeah, I know.

Well, I told them I'd play along
with them if they lowered prices,

- and cut down expenses and broadcast.
- Oh. What'd they say?

Gee, you look pretty tonight.

- What'd they say?
- Huh? Oh.

Well, they said I was crazy.

They said I wanted to run it
like a grocery store.

What are they going to do?

Do you always wear
your hair like that?

Isn't it a scream?
"Cinderella Man." The dope.

Like to get my hooks into that guy.

Don't worry. Someone's
probably taking him for plenty.

If they were men,
I'd knock their heads together.

- You seen the papers?
- Uh-huh.

That's what I like about you.
You think about a man's feelings.

I'd like to go down to that newspaper

and punch the fellow in the nose
that's writing that stuff.

"Cinderella Man."

I guess pretty soon everybody'll
be calling me Cinderella Man.

Uh, would you like to walk
the rest of the way? It's so nice out.

- Yes.
- Yeah, let's.

Hey, wise guys, he's getting off.

- Hey, come on, pull up to the curb!
- Hurry up!

Up the curb!

Oh, come on.
Don't you want to see it?

Well, feast your eyes.
Grant's tomb.

Is that it?

Hey, beetle puss. The tomb.

Well, there you are. Grant's tomb.
Hope you're not disappointed.

- It's wonderful.
- To most people, it's an awful letdown.

Huh?

I say, to most people, it's a washout.

Well, that depends on what they see.

- Now, what do you see?
- Me?

Oh, I see a small Ohio farm boy
becoming a great soldier.

I see thousands of marching men.

I see General Lee,
with a broken heart, surrendering.

And I can see the beginning of a new nation,
like Abraham Lincoln said.

And I can see that Ohio boy
being inaugurated as president.

Things like that can only happen
in a country like America.

Excuse me.
[chuckles]

Sorry, Mr. Hopper.
Mr. Cedar won't answer his phone. Sorry.

- Say, what's going on in the boss's office?
- Search me.

The three "C's" and little "B"
have been in there for over an hour.

I don't want to be critical, John,
but here it is...

Yes, I know. A week's gone by and we
haven't got the power of attorney yet.

- Yes, but you said...
- I don't care what I said.

I can't strangle him, can I?

It's ridiculous for us to have to worry
about a boy like that.

Look at these articles about him.
"Cinderella Man."

- Why, he's carrying on like an idiot.
- Exactly what I was saying to my wife...

Who cares what you were saying
to your wife?

- [intercom buzzing]
- Yeah?

[woman]
Mr. and Mrs. Semple are still waiting.

Well, I can't help it. Let them wait.

Those people have been in
to see me every day this week.

- Who are they?
- They're relatives of old man Semple.

They keep insisting they should have
some nuisance value.

Nuisance value?

They say if it hadn't been for Deeds,
they'd have gotten all the money.

Nuisance value.
Maybe they have. Maybe they have.

Maybe they have.

Mr. and Mrs. Semple, please.

- How do you do?
- We've been trying to see you...

I'm so sorry to have kept you
waiting. How are you, sir?

I don't know what my secretary
could've been thinking of,

to keep you waiting this long.
Will you bring the chairs? Quickly.

Will you...
Will you have a cigar, Mr. Semple?

Thanks.

- [Babe] There's Times Square.
- You can almost spit on it, can't you?

- Why don't you try?
- [spits]

[chuckles]
It's breezy up here.

You're worried about those articles
they're writing about you, aren't you?

Oh, I'm not worrying anymore.

I suppose they'll go on writing them
till they get tired.

You don't believe all that stuff, do you?

Oh, they just do it to sell
the newspapers, you know.

[Mr. Deeds]
Yeah, I guess so.

What puzzles me is

why people seem to get so much pleasure
out of hurting each other.

Why don't they try liking each other
once in a while?

Shall we go?

Here's a nice place.

Yeah. Anyway, there aren't
any photographers around.

You know, you said something to me
when you first met me

I've thought about a great deal.

- What's that?
- You said I was a lady in distress.

Oh. That.

- What did you mean by that?
- Nothing.

Have you got a...

- Uh, are you engaged or anything?
- [chuckles]

- No. Are you?
- No.

[chuckles]

You don't go out with girls
very much, do you?

- I haven't.
- Why not?

Oh, I don't know.

You must've met a lot of swell
society girls since you've been here.

Don't you like them?

Well, I haven't met anybody here
that I like particularly.

They all seem to have
the Saint Vitus' Dance.

Except you, of course.

People here are funny.

They work so hard at living,
they forget how to live.

Last night, after I left you,
I was walking along

and looking at the tall buildings.

And I got to thinking
about what Thoreau said,

"They created a lot
of grand palaces here,

but they forgot to create
the noblemen to put in them."

I'd rather have Mandrake Falls.

- I'm from a small town, too, you know.
- Really?

- Probably as small as Mandrake Falls.
- Gosh, what do you know about that?

Oh, it's a beautiful little town, too.
Grove poplar trees right along Main Street.

Always smells as if it just had a bath.

- I've often thought about going back.
- You have?

Oh, yes.

I used to have a lot of fun there
when I was a little girl.

Used to love to go fishing
with my father.

You know, that's funny.
He was a lot like you, my father was.

He talked like you, too.

Sometimes he let me hold
the line while he smoked

and we'd just sit there for hours.

And after a while, for no reason,
I'd go over and kiss him and sit in his lap.

He never said very much,
but once I remember him saying,

"No matter what happens,
honey, don't complain."

He sounds like a person
well worth knowing.

- He played in the town band, too.
- He did?

- I play the tuba in my...
- Yeah, I know.

- What did he play?
- The drums. He taught me to play some.

- He did?
- I can do "Swanee River."

- Would you like to hear me?
- Sure.

Let's see, now.

Hm.

♪ Way down upon the Swanee River ♪

♪ Far, far away ♪

♪ There's where my heart is going ever ♪

♪ There's where the old folks stay ♪

Oh, I suppose you could do better.

Sure. I can sing humoresque.

Humoresque. I bet you
don't even know how it goes.

Sure. Look, you sing it over again,
and I'll do humoresque with it.

You better be good.

- I wonder if they want to make it a quartet.
- Shh!

- Ready?
- Yeah.

- ♪ Way down upon the Swanee River ♪
- ♪ [imitating trombone] ♪

♪ Far, far away ♪

♪ There's where my heart is going ever ♪

♪ There's where the old folks stay ♪

♪ All the world is sad and dreary ♪

- ♪ Everywhere I roam ♪
- [sirens wailing]

Fire engines.

Fire engine. I wanna see how they do it.
Wait for me, will you?

Looks like the evening
is not gonna be wasted.

[sirens continue waling]

Hello. What do you want?

Captain Deeds, fire volunteer,
Mandrake Falls.

Hi, Cap. Boys, meet the captain.

[firemen]
Hi, Captain.

[sighs]

- What's the matter, hon?
- Nothing.

What's up, Babe?
Something's eating you.

No, it's nothing.

My unfailing instinct tells me
something's gone wrong with the stew.

Don't be ridiculous.

You haven't gotten very far, have you?
That's where you were an hour ago.

Come on, let's knock off and go down
to Joe's. The gang's waiting for us.

I can't write it, Mabel.
I don't know what's the matter with me.

- Uh-uh.
- [phone ringing]

Hello. Yeah, she's here.
Who wants her?

Who?

Oh, yes. Yes, just a moment.

Psst!

It's him. Whatchamacallim.
The Cinderella Man.

The Cinderella Man.

Hello.

Couldn't sleep. Kind of wanted
to talk to you. Do you mind?

No, not at all.
I couldn't sleep either.

I wanted to thank you again
for going out with me.

Huh?

Well, I don't know
what I'd do without you.

You've made up for all
the fakes I've met.

Well, that's very nice. Thank you.

You know what I've been doing
since I got home?

- I've been working on a poem.
- [chuckles]

It's about you.

Sometimes it's kind of hard for me
to say things, so I write them.

I'd like to read it sometime.

Maybe I'll have it finished
next time I see you.

Will I see you soon?

Gosh, that's swell, Mary.
Good night.

Good night.

Mabel, that guy's either the dumbest,

stupidest, most imbecilic idiot
in the world,

or else he's the grandest thing alive.

- I can't make him out.
- Uh-huh.

- I'm crucifying him.
- People have been crucified before.

Why? Why do we have to do it?

You started out to be a successful
newspaperwoman, didn't you?

- Yeah, then what?
- Search me. Ask the Gypsies.

Here's a guy
that's wholesome and fresh.

To us, he looks like a freak.

Do you know what he told me tonight?

He said when he gets married he wants

to carry his bride
over the threshold in his arms.

The guy's balmy.

Is he? Yeah, I thought so, too.

I tried to laugh, but I couldn't.
It stuck in my throat.

Cut it out, will you? You'll get
me thinking about Charlie again.

He's got goodness, Mabel.

- Do you know what that is?
- Hmm?

No, of course you don't. We've forgotten.
We're too busy being smart alecks.

Too busy in a crazy competition
for nothing.

[playing tuba]

- I beg pardon, sir? I beg pardon, sir.
- Huh?

- Madame Pomponi is on the telephone, sir.
- Who?

Madame Pomponi. She says that
everything is all set for the reception.

What do you mean by coming in here
when I'm playing?

But she's on the telephone, sir.

Get out.
The evil finger's on you.

- The finger, sir? Yes, sir.
- Get out.

Stop.
[echoing]

[yells, echoes]

- Did you hear that?
- What, sir?

[yells, echoes]

[yells, echoes]

Why, that's an echo, sir.

- You try it.
- Me, sir?

Yeah.

Whoop!
[echoes]

Louder.

Whoop!
[echoes]

Whoop!
[echoes]

- You try it.
- Me, sir?

[nervous chuckle]

- Boop.
- [Mr. Deeds] Louder.

Boop!
[echoes]

You try it.

[yells, echoes]

All together.

[all whoop, echoes]

Again.

[all whoop]

[echoing]

Let that be a lesson to you.

Go back to your rooms, both of you.

Boop!
[echoes]

[chuckling]

[no audible dialogue]

[chattering]

Hello, darling.

- So good of you to come.
- Oh, Madame Pomponi.

- Oh, I'm so happy to have you here.
- Where is he? Where is he?

I'm just dying to see
the Cinderella Man.

Shh! He may hear you.

Even if he heard you,
he wouldn't understand.

- [laughing]
- Bad as that, eh?

I hear he still believes
in Santa Claus.

Will he be Santa Claus?
That's what I wonder.

Have you all got your slippers ready
for the Cinderella Man?

- Think he'll go for that?
- Now don't be bashful.

With $20 million
he doesn't have to have looks.

He won't have it long

with that Pomponi woman
hanging around him.

My dears, I hear that he can't think
unless he plays his tuba.

You're a fool, Babe.

I just couldn't stand
seeing him again.

Running away is no solution.
What'll I tell him if he calls up?

Tell him I had to leave suddenly.
Got a job in China someplace.

- You're acting like a schoolgirl.
- What else can I do?

Keeping this up's no good.
He's bound to find out sometime.

At least I can save him that.

- Hey, where is everybody?
- Come on, Babe. The artillery's ready.

It's those two sore spots again.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- All right.
- [ice clinking]

Should've been down
to the office today, Babe.

Yeah. Mac threw Cobb out again.

- Boy, was he burning.
- Just a minute. No, you don't.

Oh, just one little drink,
and then we're ready to shoo.

- We're not going out tonight.
- I thought you had a date with him.

- It's off. He's having a party at his house.
- Mm.

- Say, what's the matter with her now?
- You wouldn't know if I drew you a diagram.

Now run along
and peddle your little tintypes.

Say, what is this?
Throwing us out of here

- is getting to be a regular habit.
- [knocking on door]

Is Mary Dawson here?
I'm Longfellow Deeds.

Oh! Oh, yes, of course.
Longfellow Deeds.

Come in. Step in, please.

- You're Mabel, her sister, aren't you?
- Huh? Oh.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Her sister.

Yes, I've been her sister
a long time.

- Is she home?
- Yeah. What?

- Is Mary home?
- Oh, Mary. Oh, yes, of course.

I don't know whether
she's home or not. I'll see.

Oh, there she is.
Of course she's home.

- Hello.
- Hello, Mary.

Yeah, I waited in the park for you
over an hour.

I thought maybe you'd forgotten.

I didn't think you could come
with the party and everything.

Oh, I wouldn't let them stop me from
seeing you, so I threw them out.

- You threw them out?
- You mean, by the neck or something?

Sure. They got on my nerves,
so I threw them out.

I guess that'll be in the papers tomorrow.
It'll give them something else to laugh at.

I don't mind, though.
I had a lot of fun doing it.

- Would you like to go for a walk?
- Yeah, yeah, if it isn't too late.

I'll get my hat.

[mutters]

Nice day, or nice night,
wasn't it-- isn't it?

Yes. Lovely.
We've had a lot of nice weather lately.

Yeah. It'd be a nice night
to go for a walk, don't you think?

Oh, yeah, I think it'd be a swell night
to go for a walk.

- A nice long one.
- Yeah.

Ready?

Gosh.

- She looks better every time I see her.
- [chuckles]

Thank you.

Good night. Don't worry.
I won't keep her out late.

- Thank you so much. Good night.
- Good night.

[sighs]

- Oh, my foot's asleep.
- No, you don't.

No, you don't. Just a minute.
The party's over.

- Listen, she told us...
- No more photographs.

Glad you wanted to take a walk, Mary,
'cause I wanted to talk to you.

Let's just walk, hmm?

All right.

Mary, I'm going home.

Are you? When?

Oh, a day or so, I think.

- I don't blame you.
- A man ought to know where he fits in.

I just don't fit in around here.

I once had an idea I could
do something with the money,

but it kept me so busy
I haven't had time to figure it out.

I guess I'll wait till I get back home.

Do you mind if I talk to you, Mary?
You don't have to pay any attention to me.

No, I don't mind.

All my life,
I've wanted somebody to talk to.

Back in Mandrake Falls,
I used to always talk to a girl.

- A girl?
- Only an imaginary one.

I used to hike a lot through the woods,
and I'd always take this girl with me

so I could talk to her.

I'd show her my
pet trees and things.

It sounds kind of silly,
but we had a lot of fun doing it.

She was beautiful.

I haven't married
'cause I've been kind of waiting.

You know, my mother and father
were a great couple.

I thought I might have
the same kind of luck.

I've always hoped that,

someday that imaginary girl
would turn out to be real.

Well, here we are again.

Yes, here we are again.
Good night.

Good night.

Mary, I...

Excuse me.

Good-bye, darling.

Don't let anybody
hurt you again, ever.

They can't, anyway.
You're much too real.

You go back to Mandrake Falls.
It's where you belong.

Good-bye.

Mary.

You know the poem I told you about?
It's finished.

Would you like to read it?
It's to you.

Yes, of course.

You don't have to say anything, Mary.
You can tell me tomorrow what you think.

"I tramped the Earth with hopeless beat

"Searching in vain for a glimpse of you

"Then heaven thrust you at my very feet

"A lovely angel, too lovely to woo

"My dream has been answered,
but my life's just as bleak

"I'm handcuffed and speechless
in your presence divine

"For my heart longs to cry out,
if it only could speak

I love you, my angel,
be mine, be mine"

Oh, darling.

You don't have to say anything now. I'll
wait till tomorrow till I hear from you.

[clattering]

[man]
Hey, what's the big idea?

Stop it, Babe. Stop it.

What do you mean, you're quitting?
You might as well tell me I'm quitting.

What's bothering you? Hmm?

Last night he proposed to me.

Proposed to you?
You mean, he asked you to marry him?

- Yes.
- Why, Babe, that's terrific!

"Cinderella Man woos mystery girl.
Who is the mysterious"...

Print one line of that
and I'll blow your place up.

Sorry, Babe. Sorry.
I just got carried away.

That's too bad.
That would've made a swell story.

So he proposed to you, huh?

What a twist.
You set out to nail him, and he...

Yeah. Funny twist, isn't it?

Hey, you haven't gone
and fallen for that mug, have you?

Well, I'll be.
Oh, that's tough, Babe.

[crying softly]

- What are you gonna do?
- I'm going to tell him the truth.

Tell him you're Babe Bennett? Tell him
you've been making a stooge out of him?

I'm having lunch with him today.
He expects an answer.

- It's gonna be pretty.
- You're crazy. You can't do that.

He'll probably kick me right down
the stairs. I only hope he does.

I'll put you on another job.
You need never see him again, huh?

That's the rub.

Oh.

It's as bad as that, huh?

Telling him's a long shot.
I'm going to take it.

Well, it was fun while it lasted, Mac.

I'll clean out my desk.

- How's it going? Okay?
- Yes. Quite all right. Thank you, sir.

- Gold, huh?
- Yes, sir.

- Fourteen karat.
- Yes, sir.

- Is that the best you got?
- Oh, yes, sir.

Those flowers are too high.
I won't be able to see her.

- Get a smaller bowl, will you?
- A smaller bowl of flowers, yes.

Yes, sir. A smaller bowl of flowers.

You get that stuff
I was telling you about?

- Stuff, sir?
- Yeah, that goo.

- That stuff that tastes like soap.
- Oh, yes, sir.

Here it is, sir.
The pâté de foie gras, sir.

That's fine. Have a lot of it,
'cause she likes it.

- Yes.
- Now you got the idea.

That's fine.
Sit over there, will you?

- Me, sir?
- Yeah.

You're too tall.
Slink lower, will you?

Yes.

More.

Come forward.

How is this, sir?

Perfect. Perfect.

I wish you luck, sir.

Thank you. Now, don't touch a thing.
Leave everything as it is.

Oh, yes.

Walter. Walter!

Walter, where are you?

Yes, yes, what is it, sir?
Anything happened?

"Anything happened?" I got to get
dressed. I can't meet her like this.

- But she isn't due for an hour, sir.
- An hour?

What's an hour?
You know how time flies, Walter.

- My tie, will you?
- Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

Yes, sir.

♪ Way down upon the Swanee River ♪

Just as I suspected, wise guy.

I don't mind you making a sap out of
yourself, but you made one out of me, too.

Will you tell the gentleman I'm not in?

Mary Dawson, hmm?
Mary Dawson, my eye.

That dame took you for a sleigh ride
that New York will laugh about for years.

She's the slickest,
two-timing, double-crossing...

- What are you talking about?
- All right, go ahead.

Sock away, and then
try to laugh this off.

She's the star reporter
on the Mail.

Every time you opened your kisser,
you gave her another story.

She's the dame who slapped
that moniker on you, Cinderella Man.

You've been making love
to a double dose of cyanide.

Shut up.

Oh, listen, Babe.
I can't let you quit now.

You're not going through
with this thing, are you?

This is for you, Mac.
Names of all the head waiters in town.

You can always buy a better choice
of scandal from them

- at reasonable prices.
- [phone ringing]

I've seen them get in a rut like you before,
but they always come back.

Hello? Yes?
Just a minute. It's for you.

In a couple of weeks, you'll get the itch
so bad you'll be working for nothing.

- Hello?
- Babe Bennett? Just a minute.

- Hello, Mary?
- Oh, hello, darling.

Is it you who's been writing
those articles about me?

Why, I was just leaving.
I'll be up there in a minute.

Uh, look, um...

Yes, I did, but I was
just coming up to explain. I...

Oh-- Oh, listen, darling.

Wait a minute. Please.

Listen.

I beg pardon, sir.
Should I serve the wine with the squab, sir?

I beg pardon, sir?

If I knew you were going to take it so hard,
I would've kept my mouth shut.

I'm sorry.

Pack my things, Walter.
I'm going home.

Yes, sir.

You shouldn't be running away like this.
What's going to happen to the estate?

They can have the estate.

[loud chatter]

Nobody's going to kick me out.
Let me go! Let me go!

I want to see that guy.
I want to see that guy. Let me go!

I want to see that guy.
Let me go!

I want to see him.
There he is.

I just want to get a look at him.
There you are.

I just wanted to see
what kind of a man you were.

I just wanted to see
what a man looked like

that could spend
thousands of dollars on a party

while people around him were hungry.

The Cinderella Man, huh?
Did you ever stop to think

how many families
could have been fed

on the money you pay out
to get on the front pages?

- Let me alone.
- Let him alone.

If you know what's good for you,
you'll let me get this off my chest.

How did you feel
feeding donuts to a horse?

Got a kick out of it, huh?
Got a big laugh?

Did you ever think of feeding donuts
to human beings? No.

- Shall I call the police, sir?
- No.

What do you want?

Yeah, that's all that's worrying you.
What do I want?

A chance to feed a wife and kids.
I'm a farmer. A job, that's what I want.

Farmer, huh? You're a moocher.
That's what you are.

I wouldn't believe you or anybody else
on a stack of Bibles.

You're a moocher like all the rest of them
around here, so get out of here.

Sure, everybody's a moocher to you.

A mongrel dog eating out of
a garbage pail is a moocher to you.

- This won't do you any...
- Stay where you are, young fellow!

Get over there!

You're about to get some more
publicity, Mr. Deeds.

You're about to get
on the front page again.

See how you're going
to like it this time.

See what good your money's gonna do
when you're six feet underground.

You never thought of that, did
you? No.

All you ever thought of
was pinching pennies,

you money-grabbing hick.

You never gave a thought
to all of those starving people

standing in the bread lines,

not knowing where
their next meal was coming from,

not able to feed their wife and kids.

Not able to...
[cries softly]

[whimpers]

I...

I'm glad I didn't hurt nobody.
Excuse me.

Crazy.

You get all kinds of crazy ideas.

Sorry.

Didn't know what I was doing.

Losing your farm after 20 years' work.

Seeing your kids go hungry.

Game little wife saying,
"Everything's going to be all right."

Standing there in the bread lines.

It killed me to take a handout.

I ain't used to it.

Go ahead and do
what you want with me, mister.

I guess I'm at the end of my rope.

[crying]

[crying continues]

Could I take some of this
home with me?

[no audible dialogue]

[chattering]

- Are you married?
- Yes, sir.

- Any children?
- No, no children.

All right, Mr. Dodsworth.
I think you'll qualify.

Take this to that desk over there
for further instructions.

- Thank you very much.
- Next, please.

- How many does that make?
- You've okayed 819.

- Is that all?
- That's all.

It's going awfully slow.
We need 1,100 more.

[phone ringing]

Hello? Yes. Yeah.

The water development seems okay.
I don't like the road layout yet.

Come up tonight about 10
and bring the maps. Right.

Here's the order for the plows.
We got a good price on them.

That's fine. Thanks.
I'll look them over later.

Oh, Mr. Deeds, my wife wanted me
to tell you she prays for you every night.

[mutters]

Well, thanks.

- How do you do? What is your name?
- George Rankin, sir.

No, no, we're not buying any bulls.
What's that?

Listen, fellow. Bull's what
I've been selling all my life.

We've very little time. He's ordered me
to turn everything over to him immediately.

We have to work fast, before
he disposes of every penny.

See, I told you something could be done.
I knew it all the time. Sign it, dear.

- We may get into trouble.
- Oh, don't be so squeamish.

There's millions involved.
After all, you have your legal rights.

- You're his only living relative.
- What's it say?

That's your agreement with
Mr. Cedar in case we win.

You see, my end is going
to be rather expensive.

I have a lot of important people
to take care of.

I have the legal machinery
all set and ready to go.

I've been working on nothing else
for the last week.

You say the word, and we'll stop
this yokel dead in his tracks.

- Sign it.
- Oh, all right.

- Charlie, we're off. Papers all set?
- All set.

- Okay, then go to it. And, Charlie.
- Yeah?

Find out who wrote those newspaper
articles and subpoena him right away.

- Okay.
- So what is your name?

Christian Swenson.

- Uh, farmer?
- Yes, ma'am.

- Where is your farm?
- South Dakota, north.

- South Dakota north?
- South Dakota, but on the top.

Oh. Oh.
[chuckles]

- What about your knocking off for lunch?
- Not hungry.

I want to get through this work in a hurry,
and then I want to go home.

Come on. What are you
trying to do, kid, keel over?

You haven't been out of this
house in two weeks.

Well, maybe I'll have a sandwich.
Do you mind waiting a few minutes?

Oh, sure, sure.
If you like to have a sandwich,

I can give you one, please.

Thanks. Thank you.

Never mind, Cobb.

Good.

Cobb.

- Get lunches for the rest of them.
- What?

There must be 2,000
of them out there.

Well, that doesn't make them
any less hungry.

Okay, Santa Claus, 2,000 lunches.

[chattering]

- Say something.
- Say something.

Go ahead. Go ahead, tell him.

Mr. Deeds, the boys here wanted me
to say a little something.

They just wanted me to say that...
[clears throat]

Well, they wanted me to say
that we think you're swell.

And that's no baloney.

- Say something more.
- Give me a chance, fellows.

We're all down and out.
A fellow like you comes along,

it kind of gives us a little hope.

- They just wanted me to say that I...
- [chattering]

Get back. Get back.

That's him.

- Are you Longfellow Deeds?
- Yes.

Sheriff's office. We got a warrant
to take you into custody.

A what?

A warrant for your arrest.
You have to come along with us.

- What's up? What do you wonks want?
- I don't know nothing.

All I know is the sheriff gives me
an insanity warrant to execute.

Insanity? Who says he's insane?

The complainant is a relative
of the late Martin Semple.

The charges are that Mr. Deeds is insane
and incapable of handling the estate.

Somebody got panic-stricken
about his giving his dough away, hmm?

Well, where do you think
you're gonna take him?

- County Hospital.
- Of course, that's only temporary.

A hearing will follow immediately.

That's fine. That's...

Just because I want to give this money
to people who need it,

they think I'm crazy.

That's marvelous.
That makes everything complete.

Let's get going.

Wait a minute. Not so fast.
We're gonna get a lawyer.

- I'll call Cedar.
- No, don't bother.

As a matter of fact,
I'm from Mr. Cedar's office.

He represents the complainant.

Let's go.
We're wasting a lot of time.

All right, I'll go.
But get your hands off me.

[murmuring]

Come on. Get back.

[officer]
Step back here, will you?

Come on. Get back.

[chattering]

Yeah, boss, everybody in town
has been here to see him.

Yes, sir. I will. Good-bye.

Hey, sorry, lady.
Oh, it's you again.

- Oh, please. I've got to see him.
- Now, listen, sister.

For the 14th and last time,
he don't want to see nobody.

- Well, will you just give him my name?
- Listen, toots, just between us,

there ain't a thing in the world
the matter with that guy

till I mention your name.
Then he goes haywire.

What are you going to do?
Just sit back and let them railroad you?

It's as pretty a frame-up
as ever hit this rotten town.

If you'd just let me get you a lawyer.

You can't walk into that courtroom

without being ready to protect
yourself from the clinchers.

Cedar's too smart.

With the array of talent he's got
lined up against you, you'll cook.

Listen, pal.
I know just how you feel.

A blonde in Syracuse
put me through the same paces.

I came out with a sour puss,
but full of fight.

Come on.
You don't want to lay down now.

Do you realize what's happening?
They're trying to prove that you're nuts.

If they win the case,
they'll shove you in the bug house.

The moment they accused you of it,
they had you half-licked.

You've got to fight.

- [knocking on door]
- Go on. Sit down, won't you? Yes.

So long, Mr. Cobb.

Corny. Corny, listen, I've got to see him.
I've got to talk to him.

Haven't you done
enough damage already?

Somebody's got to help him.
He hasn't a chance against Cedar.

Look, I've been all over town
talking to everybody.

I've got Mac all lined up
and the paper's behind him.

I can get him Livingston, too.

With a lawyer like Livingston,
he's got a fighting chance.

You're wasting your time.
He doesn't want any lawyers.

He's sunk so low,
he doesn't want help from anybody.

You can take a bow for that.

As swell a guy as ever hit this town,

and you crucified him
for a couple of stinking headlines.

You've done your bit.
Now stay out of his way.

[no audible dialogue]

[clamoring]

[murmuring]

There he is now.

Here he is.

[quiet chatter]

[whispering]

Cedar just sent for me.
He wants to make a settlement.

Here's your chance to get out of
the whole mess. What do you say?

[gavel pounding]

Rise, please.

Supreme court, state of New York,
county of New York,

selected term, Part 9, now in session,
the Honorable Judge May, Judge, presiding.

- Be seated.
- [gavel pounds]

The court wishes to warn those present
it will tolerate no disturbances.

Regarding the sanity hearing
of Longfellow Deeds.

You represented by counsel, Mr. Deeds?

[whispering]

- He's got no counsel?
- No.

[quiet chatter]

I understand you have no counsel,
Mr. Deeds?

In fact, that you have no intention
of defending any of these charges.

Now, if you wish to change your mind,
the hearing can be postponed.

[murmuring]

Crazy.

[whispering]

Proceed.

And in the interest of my client,
the only other living relative

of the late Martin W. Semple,

we cannot permit a fortune so huge
to be dissipated by a person

whose incompetency and abnormality

we shall prove
beyond any reasonable doubt.

I have before me a series of articles,
written by a newspaperwoman

who was an eyewitness to his conduct
ever since he came to New York.

She tells how in the midst
of a normal conversation

- he would suddenly begin playing his tuba.
- [laughing]

She tells of his attack upon
several of our eminent writers

for no apparent reason.

I, myself, unable to keep pace
with his mental quirks

and constantly fearful of assault,

turned down an opportunity
to represent him as his attorney.

This newspaperwoman,
whom we have subpoenaed to testify

tells how he held up traffic for an hour

- feeding donuts to a poor horse.
- [laughing]

We have photographs
to substantiate this little episode.

Another photograph showing Mr. Deeds
jumping aboard a fire engine.

This scarcely sounds
like the action of a man

in whom the disposition
of $20,000,000 may safely be entrusted.

The writer of these articles, a woman
whose intelligence and integrity

in the newspaper world is unquestioned,

held him in such contempt that she quite
aptly named him the Cinderella Man.

[loud murmuring]

- [gavel pounding]
- [murmuring continues]

- [gavel pounding louder]
- [murmuring stops]

We have witnesses here
from Mandrake Falls,

his own hometown, who will tell
of his conduct throughout his lifetime,

proving that his derangement
is neither a recent nor a temporary one.

We have others who will tell
of his unusual behavior

when he invited the great leaders
of the musical world to his home

and then proceeded
to forcibly eject them.

- I hope he can explain that.
- Yes.

Only recently, when he was
in the county hospital for observation,

he not only refused to be examined
by these gentlemen, the state psychiatrists,

but he actually made
a violent attack upon them.

[no audible dialogue]

In these times, with the country
incapacitated by economic ailments

and in danger, with an undercurrent
of social unrest,

the promulgation of such a weird,
fantastic and impractical plan,

as contemplated by the defendant,
is capable of fomenting a disturbance

from which the country
may not soon recover.

It is our duty to stop it.

[loud chatter]

Our government is fully aware
of its difficulties.

It can pull itself out
of its economic rut

without the assistance of Mr. Deeds
or any other crackpot.

His attempted action
must therefore be attributed

to a diseased mind,
afflicted with hallucinations of grandeur

and obsessed with an insane desire
to become a public benefactor.

- [loud chatter]
- [gavel pounding]

Your Honor, at this time,
we would like to call our first witness,

Miss Louise "Babe" Bennett.

[clerk]
Miss Bennett, please.

Raise your right hand, please.

Do you solemnly swear the testimony
you may give before this court

to be the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth, so help you God?

- [Babe] I do.
- State your right name, please.

- [Babe] Louise Bennett.
- Take the stand.

Miss Bennett, are you employed
by The Morning Mail?

I must ask you to direct
your attention to me.

Your Honor, this is ridiculous.

- Please answer the question.
- The whole hearing's ridiculous.

- That man's no more insane than you are.
- It's outrageous.

It's obviously a frame-up.

They're trying to railroad this man
for the money they can get out of him.

- [Cedar] Your Honor...
- [judge] Young lady,

another outburst like that,
and I shall hold you in contempt.

We are not interested in your opinion
on the merits of this case.

You are to here to testify.
Sit down and answer questions.

- Proceed.
- Thank you, Your Honor.

Are you employed
by The Morning Mail?

- No.
- You're under oath, Miss Bennett.

I ask again, are you employed
by The Morning Mail?

No, I resigned last week.

[Cedar] Well, prior to that time, were you
employed by The Morning Mail?

- [Babe] Yes.
- Were you given an assignment

to follow the activities
of Longfellow Deeds?

Yes.

Did you subsequently write
a series of articles about him?

- Yes.
- Are these the articles?

Yes.

Were you present
when all these things took place?

- Yes.
- Are they true?

- No!
- But they did take place?

- They're colored to make him look silly.
- And you saw them happen?

- Yes, but I...
- That's all, Miss Bennett.

- It isn't all. I'd like to explain.
- That's all. Your Honor,

- I submit these articles as evidence.
- Let go of me.

What kind of a hearing is this?

What are you trying to do?
Persecute the man?

He's not defending himself.
Somebody's got to do it.

- Miss Bennett, please.
- I've got a right to be heard.

I've attended dozens
of cases like this.

They're usually conducted
without any formality at all.

Anybody can be heard.

My opinion's as good
as these quack psychiatrists'.

- I know him better than they do.
- [judge] Miss Bennett,

if you have quite finished,
I should like to inform you

that one more utterance from you,
and I shall place you under arrest.

I'm willing to hear anything
anyone has to say,

but I insist on it being done
in an orderly fashion.

When you have learned to show some
respect for this court, you may return.

Until then, you'd better go back
to your seat and calm down.

This way, miss.

[chattering]

[chattering continues]

[gavel pounding]

[bailiff]
Order in the court.

Mr. Deeds, have you anything to say
in defense of these articles?

Mr. Deeds?

Mark these Exhibit "A" for the plaintiff.

Yes, Your Honor.

Proceed.

They're rather timid, Your Honor,
and wish to be together.

If the court pleases,
I'll only have one testify.

- Yes, yes. Let's get on with it.
- What is your name, please?

- Jane Faulkner. This is my sister Amy.
- Yes. Amy.

Well, I'll direct my questions
to you, Miss Jane.

You may answer for both. Do you know
the defendant, Mr. Longfellow Deeds?

Oh, yes.
Yes, of course, we know him.

How long have you known him?

[no audible dialogue]

- Since he was born.
- Yes. Elsie Taggart was the midwife.

- He was a seven-months baby.
- [Cedar] Thank you. That's fine.

Do you see him very often?

- Most every day.
- Sometimes twice.

- Must we have the echo?
- Suppose you just answer, Miss Jane.

Now will you tell the court what everybody
at home thinks of Longfellow Deeds?

- They think he's pixilated.
- Oh, yes. Pixilated.

- He's what?
- What was that you said he was?

- Pixilated.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, that's rather a strange word
to us, Miss Jane.

Can you tell the court
exactly what it means?

Perhaps I can explain, Your Honor.

The word "pixilated"
is an early American expression

derived from the word "pixies,"
meaning "elves."

They would say the pixies
had got him,

as we nowadays would say
a man is balmy.

Oh. Is that correct?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, now, tell me,
why does everyone think he's pixilated?

Does he do peculiar things?

He walks in the rain without his hat
and talks to himself.

- Sometimes he whistles.
- And sings.

Anything else?

Recently, he gave
Chuck Dillon a thumping.

- Blacked his eye.
- And why?

For no reason, I guess.

He always does it. We always run into
the house when we see him coming.

Never can tell what
he's going to do.

He sure is pixilated.

Oh, yes. He's pixilated, all right.

Thank you, ladies. That's all.

They kept hollering,
"Back to nature. Back to nature."

And I thought they looked harmless
enough, so I took them home.

I never thought he was cracked.

Well, I'm the waiter. He kept
pressing me to point out the celebrities.

And so help me Hannah,
I'm coming out of the kitchen

a couple of minutes later, and there
he is mopping up the floors with them.

I never figured he was a guy
that was looking for trouble.

He threw us out bodily,
but bodily.

We was hired as his bodyguards, see?
Well, the first crack out of the box,

he throws us in a room
and locks the door, see?

Now, if a thing like that gets around in
our profession, why, we get the bird, see?

So I says to my partner,
"Let's quit this guy. He's nuts!"

I'm very fond of Clarissa.
She's a nice horse.

And when this bloke here
started feeding her donuts,

I yelled down to him,
"Mind what you're doing down there.

Mind what you're doing."
'Course, I wouldn't mind, sir,

but Clara won't eat nothing
but donuts now.

And now, Your Honor, if the court pleases,
I shall call upon Dr. Emil Von Holler,

if he would be good enough
to give us his opinion.

Dr. Von Holler, as you know,
is the eminent Austrian psychiatrist,

probably the greatest authority
on the subject in the world.

At present, he's in this country
on a lecture tour

and has graciously volunteered
his services.

- Dr. Von Holler?
- [bailiff] Dr. Von Holler.

Do you solemnly swear

testimony you may give in the cause
now pending before this court

shall be the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth, so help you God?

- State your right name, please.
- Emil Von Holler.

Take the stand.

Dr. Von Holler, would you kindly tell the
court what your opinion is of this case?

This is purely a case
of manic depression.

A case of this kind,
patients sometimes go on for years

before being detected.

You remember, Dr. Fosdick,
in my last book,

- there were some very fine examples.
- Mm-hmm.

Especially the one of the young nobleman.
You remember?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course,
Dr. Von Holler. Very interesting.

It reminds me very much of this one,
nicht wahr?

- Ja.
- It takes so long to detect them

because their mood changes
so often and so quickly.

Now, Your Honor, may I show you?
May I use the chart?

By all means.

[mutters]

Below here,
they are extremely depressed,

melancholy, impossible to live with
and often become violent.

From this mood,

the manic depressive
might gradually change

until they reach this state.

Here is lucidity.

Here they are perfectly normal,
as normal as you or I.

Assuming, of course,
that we are normal.

[men chuckle]

Then the mood changes again

until they reach this state,

a state of highest exultation.

Here, everything is fine.
Here, the world is beautiful.

Here, they are so elated--
how to express it--

they would give you
their shirts off their backs.

[chuckling]

Dr. Von Holler, how would you say
that applied to Mr. Deeds' case?

Well, the symptoms are obvious.

When he was here,
on top of the wave,

he felt nothing but kindliness
and warmth toward his fellow man.

He wanted to have them around him,
so he decided to give a big reception.

But in the meantime,
his mood has changed.

He's now at the bottom of the wave.
Depressed, melancholy.

So when his guests arrive,
he throws them out.

They are now
his imaginary enemies.

Other instances of high elations
are when he plays his tuba,

when he writes his poetry,

when he chases fire engines
in a desire to help humanity.

This is contrasted
with his present mood,

which is so low that even the instinct
for self-preservation is lacking.

Oh, the man is verrückt.

Your Honor, this is decidedly
a case of manic depression.

Thank you very much, Dr. Von Holler.

[murmuring]

Your Honor, we rest.

[chattering]

Come on, what are you going to do,
let them get away with it?

They've got you cooked.

[chattering continues]

[whispering]

He's sunk.

[gavel pounds]

Mr. Deeds...

before the court arrives at a decision,
isn't there anything you wish to say?

[murmuring]

Come on. Don't be a sap.

[murmuring continues]

[no audible dialogue]

[gavel pounding]

[quiet chatter]

- You both concur?
- Oh, absolutely.

All right.

Mr. Deeds,

in view of the extensive testimony,
your continued silence,

and on the recommendation
of the doctors,

the court considers it advisable,
for your own safety,

that you be committed to an institution
as prescribed by law.

[loud murmuring]

[gavel pounds]

You need medical attention,
Mr. Deeds.

- Perhaps in a little while...
- No, no!

No, wait a minute. You can't do it.
You've got to make him talk.

- [Cedar] Your Honor, I object.
- Oh, darling, please.

I know everything I've done.
I know how horrible I've been.

- No matter what happens--
- Your Honor, I object.

...if you never see me again,
do this for me.

- [judge] Miss Bennett, please.
- You said I could speak.

You said I could have my say
if I were rational. I'm rational.

Please, let me take
the witness chair.

He must be made to defend himself
before you arrive at a decision.

- Very well, take the stand.
- Oh, thank you.

Your Honor, what she is saying has
no bearing on the case. I object.

- Let her speak.
- I know why he won't defend himself.

That has a bearing on the case,
hasn't it? He's been hurt.

He's been hurt by everybody he's met
since he came here, principally by me.

He's been the victim
of every conniving crook in town.

The newspapers pounced on him,
made him a target for their feeble humor.

I was smarter than the rest of them.

I got closer to him
so I could laugh louder.

Why shouldn't he keep quiet?

Every time he said anything, it was
twisted around to sound imbecilic.

He can thank me for it.
I handed the gang a grand laugh.

It's a fitting climax
to my sense of humor.

- [Cedar] Your Honor, this is preposterous.
- Certainly, I wrote those articles.

I was going to get a raise,
a month's vacation.

But I stopped writing them
when I found out what he was all about,

when I realized how real he was.

He could never fit in
with our distorted viewpoint

because he's honest
and sincere and good.

If that man's crazy, Your Honor,
the rest of us belong in straitjackets!

Your Honor, this is absurd.
The woman's obviously in love with him.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, you are in love with him,
aren't you?

- What's that got to do with it?
- You are, aren't you?

- Yes!
- Your Honor, her testimony's of no value.

Why shouldn't she defend him?
It's the typical American womanhood.

The instinct to protect the weak.

I'm not saying that
nobody likes the boy.

I cherish a fond affection for him myself.
But that doesn't mean to say--

When the windbag here gets through,
Your Honor,

I'd like to verify
what Miss Bennett said.

I'm her editor.
When she quit her job,

she told me what
a swell fellow this man was.

And anything Babe Bennett says
is okay with me.

If you have anything to say,
you will take the stand.

I've already said it, Your Honor. I just
thought I'd like to get my two cents in.

Don't be a sucker, pal.
Stand up and speak your piece.

Your Honor, I've got a couple
of cents I'd like to put in.

- Sit down.
- I've been with this man

ever since he came to New York.

Sit down!

- There will be no further interruptions.
- How about us, Mr. Deeds?

- Yes, what about us, Mr. Deeds?
- Order in the court.

You're not gonna
leave us out in the cold?

[man]
They're trying to frame you, Mr. Deeds.

[shouting]

- Stop this.
- Order!

[shouting continues]

Order.

- [murmuring]
- [shushing]

In the interest of Mr. Deeds, I have
tolerated a great deal of informality.

But if there is one more outburst,
I shall have the courtroom cleared.

- Your Honor?
- Yes?

I'd like to get in my
two cents' worth.

- [murmuring]
- Take the stand.

Take a seat, please.

Proceed.

Well, I don't know where to begin.

There've been so many things
said about me that I...

About my playing the tuba.

It seems like a lot of fuss
has been made about that.

If a man's crazy
just because he plays the tuba,

then somebody'd better look into it

because there are a lot of tuba players
running around loose.

Of course, I don't see any harm in it.

I play mine
whenever I want to concentrate.

That may sound funny
to some people,

but everybody does something silly
when they're thinking.

For instance,
the judge here is an "O"-filler.

- A what?
- An "O"-filler.

You fill in all the spaces in the "O's"
with your pencil. I was watching you.

[laughter]

[gavel pounds]

That may make you look
a little crazy, Your Honor,

just sitting around, filling in "O's."

But I don't see anything wrong,
'cause that helps you think.

- Other people are doodlers.
- Doodlers?

That's a name we
made up back home

for people who make foolish designs
on paper when they're thinking.

It's called doodling.
Almost everybody's a doodler.

Did you ever see a scratch pad
in a telephone booth?

People draw the most idiotic pictures
when they're thinking.

Uh, Dr. Von Holler here could probably
think up a long name for it

- because he doodles all the time.
- [laughter]

[gavel pounds]

Thank you.

This is a piece of paper
he was scribbling on.

I can't figure it out.
One minute it looks like a chimpanzee,

and the next minute it looks like
a picture of Mr. Cedar.

You look at it, Judge.

Exhibit "A" for the defense.

Looks kind of stupid, doesn't it,
Your Honor? But I guess that's all right.

If Dr. Von Holler has to doodle
to help him think, that's his business.

Everybody does something different.
Some people are ear-pullers.

Some are nail-biters.

That Mr. Semple over there
is a nose-twitcher.

- [laughter]
- [gavel pounding]

And the lady next to him
is a knuckle-cracker.

[laughter]

[gavel pounds]

So, you see, everybody does
silly things to help them think.

Well, I play the tuba.

- Nice work, toots.
- [bailiff] Order in this court!

Your Honor, this is becoming farcical.
I demand that Mr. Deeds

dispense with side remarks
and confine himself to facts.

Let him explain his wanderings
around the street in his underclothes,

- his feeding donuts to horses.
- [gavel pounds]

[judge]
Please. Proceed.

Mr. Cedar's right. Those things
do look kind of bad, don't they?

But to tell you the truth, Your Honor,
I don't remember them.

I guess they happened, all right,
because I don't think

a policeman would lie
about a thing like that,

but I was drunk.

It was the first time
I was ever drunk in my life.

It's probably happened
to you some time.

I mean-- I mean,
when you were younger, of course.

[clears throat]

It's likely to happen to anybody.

Just the other morning, I read in
the paper about Mr. Cedar's own son,

about how he got drunk
and insisted on driving a taxicab

- while the driver sat inside.
- [laughter]

[gavel pounding]

Isn't that so, Mr. Cedar?

Isn't that so, Mr. Cedar?

- Your Honor, I object.
- Proceed.

Now, uh...
[chuckles]

Now, about the Faulkner sisters.

That's kind of funny.

I mean, about Mr. Cedar going all the way
to Mandrake Falls to bring them here.

- Do you mind if I talk to them?
- Not at all.

Jane, who owns
the house you live in?

[whispering]

- Why, you own it, Longfellow.
- Yes, you own it.

- Do you pay any rent?
- No, we don't pay any rent.

Good heavens, no.

- We never pay rent.
- Are you happy there?

- Oh, yes.
- Yes, indeed.

Hm. Now, uh, Jane, a little while ago,
you said I was pixilated.

Do you still think so?

[whispering]

Why, you've always
been pixilated, Longfellow.

- [sister] Always.
- [Mr. Deeds] That's fine.

Hm. I guess maybe I am.

But now, tell me something, Jane.

Who else in Mandrake Falls
is pixilated?

Why, everybody in Mandrake Falls
is pixilated except us.

- [laughter]
- [gavel pounding]

[laughter continues]

[gavel pounding]

[laughter stops]

Now just one more question.

You see the judge here.
He's a nice man, isn't he?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Do you think he's pixilated?
- Oh, yes.

- Yes, indeed.
- [laughter]

[gavel pounding]

- [laughter continues]
- [gavel continues pounding]

[no audible dialogue]

Mr. Deeds, you haven't yet touched
upon the most important point.

This rather fantastic idea of yours to
want to give away your entire fortune is,

to say the least, most uncommon.

[Mr. Deeds] Oh, yes. Yes,
I was getting to that, Your Honor.

Suppose you were living in a small town
and getting along fine,

and suddenly somebody dropped
$20 million in your lap.

Supposing you discovered that all
that money was messing up your life,

was bringing a lot of vultures
around your neck

and making you
lose faith in everybody.

You'd be a little worried,
wouldn't you?

You'd feel that you had a hot potato
in your hand, and you'd want to drop it.

I guess Dr. Von Holler here would say
you were riding on those bottom waves

because you wanted to drop something
that was burning your fingers.

If this man is permitted to carry out
his plan, repercussions will be felt

that will rock the foundation
of our entire governmental system.

Please, Mr. Cedar. Proceed.

Personally, I don't know
what Mr. Cedar is raving about.

From what I can see, no matter
what system of government we have,

there'll always be leaders
and always be followers.

It's like the road out in front of
my house. It's on a steep hill.

Every day,
I watch the cars climbing up.

Some go lickety-split up that hill
on high, some have to shift into second.

And some sputter and shake
and slip back to the bottom again.

Same cars, same gasoline,
yet some make it and some don't.

And I say the fellows
who can make the hill on high

should stop once in a while
and help those who can't.

That's all I'm trying
to do with this money,

help the fellows who can't make
the hill on high.

What does Mr. Cedar
expect me to do with it?

Give it to him and a lot of other people
who don't need it?

If you don't mind, Your Honor,
I'll ride on those top waves for a minute.

Hey, all you fellows up there, all those
who applied for a farm, stand up.

See all those fellows?
They're the ones I'm trying to help.

They need it. Mr. Cedar
and that Mr. Semple don't need anything.

They've got plenty.

It's like I'm out in a big boat,
and I see one fellow in a rowboat

who's tired of rowing and wants a free
ride and another fellow who's drowning.

Who would you expect me to rescue?
Mr. Cedar,

who is just tired
of rowing and wants a free ride,

or those men out there
who are drowning?

Any ten-year-old child will give you
the answer to that.

All right, fellas.
Thank you. Sit down.

Now, my plan was very simple.

I was gonna give each family 10 acres,
a horse, a cow and some seed,

and if they work the farm
for three years, it's theirs.

Now, if that's crazy, maybe
I ought to be sent to an institution,

but I don't think it is, and what's more,
Mr. Cedar doesn't either.

Just before the hearing started,

he offered to call the whole thing off
if I made a settlement with him.

So, you see, he wouldn't think
I was crazy if he got paid off.

It's a lie! Mr. Deeds is drawing
on his warped imagination!

I never heard anything
so colossally stupid in my life!

It's an insult to our intelligence to sit
here and listen to such childish ravings!

- You will please permit Mr. Deeds to finish.
- But, Your Honor--

Cedar!

- Anything else, Mr. Deeds?
- No.

Yes. There is just one more thing I'd
like to get off my chest before I finish.

- Proceed.
- Thank you, Your Honor.

- [observers exclaiming]
- [bailiff] Order! Order!

- [judge] Get this man back to his chair!
- [cheering]

- Get those men up, bailiff, quick!
- [observers clamoring]

- Order!
- [pounding desk]

[murmuring]

Remain seated and come to order.
The court is again in session.

Before the court
announces its decision,

I want to warn all who are here
that the police have orders

to arrest anyone creating
a disturbance.

Mr. Deeds, there has been a great deal
of damaging testimony against you.

Your behavior, to say the least,
has been most strange.

But in the opinion of the court,
you are not only sane,

but you are the sanest man
that ever walked into this courtroom.

- Case dismissed.
- [observers cheering]

[chattering]

[cheering continues]

[chattering]

You nose-twitcher.

I knew it. I knew it. You-- You...

[cheering continues]

[sniffling]

[no audible dialogue]

[crying]

[clamoring]

[running footsteps]

[clamoring continues]

- He's still pixilated.
- He sure is.

[crowd shouting]

- ♪♪ [band: "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"]
- [crowd cheering]