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[crowd chanting] U-S-A!
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Hello, racist
bumper-sticker salespeople,
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00:00:14,428 --> 00:00:16,720
guys who've punched
a claw machine,
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00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:20,387
people who frequently graffiti
their ex's garage door,
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00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:23,637
teens who will have their
Ivy League admission rescinded,
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00:00:23,637 --> 00:00:25,970
and other shrieking jackals!
[crowd cheers]
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00:00:25,970 --> 00:00:28,887
I'm here to announce that,
in 2020,
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00:00:28,887 --> 00:00:32,887
win or lose,
I will win the election!
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00:00:32,887 --> 00:00:34,512
[crowd cheering]
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I'm walking over here now...
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00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:39,053
showing you
that I'm keepin' it loose...
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00:00:39,053 --> 00:00:42,512
proving to everyone that
I can be a tough walkin' man.
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00:00:42,512 --> 00:00:44,553
And now I'm moseying on back.
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00:00:44,553 --> 00:00:46,011
[crowd cheers]
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Now, as I explained to
ABC's George Snuffaluffagus,
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00:00:49,387 --> 00:00:51,720
I am now accepting
foreign intelligence
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00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,720
on my Democratic opponents.
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Simply call the number below!
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00:00:55,303 --> 00:00:57,303
Operators are standing by!
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No more stuff on Biden.
That treasure chest is full!
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So many people
have made tonight possible,
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00:01:03,303 --> 00:01:07,428
but none more so than
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
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00:01:07,428 --> 00:01:11,220
You two have done
absolutely nothing to stop me,
25
00:01:11,220 --> 00:01:14,887
and, for that, please accept
this statue of a family dog
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00:01:14,887 --> 00:01:17,220
watching the house
get robbed.
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You said we'd discuss
the infrastructure bill!
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You're being
too pushy.
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Thank you, Mr. President.
[crowd cheering]
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-Thank you, everyone!
-You're making us blush!
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For more on
my second-term agenda,
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00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:31,595
please direct your easily seized
attention to the jumbotron!
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[narrator] If you thought
President Trump's first term
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00:01:33,845 --> 00:01:35,303
got your pulse pounding,
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00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,887
his second term
will make your heart explode.
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National Guard...on speed dial.
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Nuclear secrets...for sale.
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Basic human decency...buh-bye!
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00:01:45,387 --> 00:01:47,470
And think Trump
can't spell any worse?
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Think aglenn.
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00:01:48,970 --> 00:01:50,929
Donald Trump 2020.
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00:01:50,929 --> 00:01:53,095
You're Gonna Get
a Rash, Buster.
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[President Trump] Alright!
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Who wants pig hearts?!
[air cannon firing]
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Not enough to go around,
so start clawing!
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00:02:00,261 --> 00:02:01,970
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[whistling]
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00:02:09,345 --> 00:02:11,220
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[President Trump] Don, did you
put the crime sock on the door?
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00:02:13,261 --> 00:02:15,178
Yeah, Dad.
No one will bother us.
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00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:17,637
Okay, let's talk
shady self-enrichment!
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00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,345
How's our
Washington hotel?
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00:02:19,345 --> 00:02:20,637
We're killing it!
55
00:02:20,637 --> 00:02:23,553
The Chinese spent five million
dollars on room service.
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00:02:23,553 --> 00:02:25,512
It's floor-to-ceiling
french toast!
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00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:27,762
Okay, let's hear
from my favorite son.
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00:02:27,762 --> 00:02:29,011
Ivanka?
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00:02:29,011 --> 00:02:30,637
Mnuchin gave me the keys
to the Treasury
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00:02:30,637 --> 00:02:33,011
and said on the weekends,
anything goes!
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What the hell,
Pompeo?!
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00:02:34,512 --> 00:02:36,470
Hey, is this sock on
the doorknob up for grabs?
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00:02:36,470 --> 00:02:38,053
-It's pretty nice.
-La la la la la!
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I can't hear what's
being conspired in here!
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Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?
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Look what you did, Pompeo!
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00:02:43,095 --> 00:02:45,095
You take the crime sock
off the door,
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00:02:45,095 --> 00:02:47,845
and this place turns into
Grand Central Station!
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00:02:47,845 --> 00:02:50,220
So...can I put this
on my foot or...?
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00:02:50,220 --> 00:02:53,220
[Jared] Even though Mueller
gave you a pass on collusion,
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00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:55,095
you still have to worry
about the money laundering,
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00:02:55,095 --> 00:02:56,512
the campaign finance
violations,
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00:02:56,512 --> 00:02:58,345
and those other crimes
I won't mention in case
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00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,470
there's still recording devices
hidden in the lampshades.
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Hello. I'll just pardon
myself. Are we done?
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I could be committing
systematic genocide right now.
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Okay, it is far from guaranteed
that the Supreme Court
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00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,720
will uphold the power
to pardon yourself.
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Of course
they will, Jared.
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00:03:12,178 --> 00:03:15,887
The ruling was foretold in
the Great Prophecy of Valantium.
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00:03:15,887 --> 00:03:17,136
Let me ask you.
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H-How exactly do you think
the Supreme Court works?
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00:03:19,053 --> 00:03:20,595
If you spent less time
in the weight room
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00:03:20,595 --> 00:03:22,553
and more time in class,
you would know that...
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[President Trump] ...every
half moon, the Supreme Court
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00:03:24,553 --> 00:03:27,887
rises out of the ancient swamps
of Kilga-Goranth
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to exact their
righteous judgment on our kind.
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00:03:30,845 --> 00:03:32,095
The big, buff justices
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00:03:32,095 --> 00:03:34,303
wear magical cloaks
that they can keep on
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00:03:34,303 --> 00:03:36,720
even when they go through
airport security.
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Justice
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You're actually a lot
closer than I thought.
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[President Trump]
Ooh, justice!
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Mmm, justice.
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Ooh, justice.
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00:03:49,637 --> 00:03:51,428
I'm Jake Tapper,
and I go to movies
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just to shush stepdads
and their sons.
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00:03:54,261 --> 00:03:57,261
Justice John Roberts spoke
today at a legal conference
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00:03:57,261 --> 00:03:59,428
and discussed the power
of the president
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00:03:59,428 --> 00:04:01,428
to pardon himself.
Take a look.
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00:04:01,428 --> 00:04:04,345
Obviously, I'm not going to
present my opinion here,
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00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,512
but I will say that
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00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:08,261
presidential power
is not absolute.
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Here to analyze
Roberts' comments
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00:04:10,345 --> 00:04:13,178
is constitutional scholar,
political expert,
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00:04:13,178 --> 00:04:15,053
and mezzo soprano -- me.
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00:04:15,053 --> 00:04:19,053
Trump is definitely screwed
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00:04:19,053 --> 00:04:20,553
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00:04:20,553 --> 00:04:23,970
I booked our next big-game
hunting trip, Don!
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00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:25,929
They just shove
a drugged-up lion
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into the back
of a Honda Odyssey,
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00:04:27,762 --> 00:04:29,804
and we get to shoot it
through the windows.
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I'm afraid you'll have to take
those hunting trips alone.
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As the eldest,
I'll be inheriting
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00:04:34,303 --> 00:04:36,136
the presidency in 2024.
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00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:38,553
So if you're launching
your political career,
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00:04:38,553 --> 00:04:41,720
does that mean I'm gonna run
the Trump Organization?
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00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,345
You're not cut out
for that!
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00:04:43,345 --> 00:04:46,136
You're meant for dumber shit
like ventriloquism school.
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00:04:46,136 --> 00:04:49,261
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I tried, but me
and Deion the Donkey
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didn't have
what it takes.
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00:04:53,053 --> 00:04:54,887
Then you must show Dad
that you can be
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00:04:54,887 --> 00:04:57,053
an upstanding businessman
like me.
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00:04:57,053 --> 00:04:58,637
Now pretend you lost
your factory job
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00:04:58,637 --> 00:05:01,136
so I can practice nodding
as if I care.
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[sobbing] W-We're down
to one single sheet...
Okay. Uh-huh. I don't care.
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00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,011
...of white bread for
my family of eleven.
I mean, I do care.
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00:05:06,011 --> 00:05:07,345
Nodding, nodding.
Please, Mr. Trump.
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[McConnell]
You're not screwed.
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You got four out of five
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00:05:11,387 --> 00:05:13,512
conservative justices
in the bag.
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00:05:13,512 --> 00:05:15,637
Just go schmooze
the robes off of him.
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00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:18,387
I'm not the schmoozer, Mitch.
I'm the schmooz-ee.
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00:05:18,387 --> 00:05:21,011
Check the mug. I just wish
I could add more buff
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00:05:21,011 --> 00:05:23,470
Supreme Court justices
who dig my vibe.
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00:05:23,470 --> 00:05:25,345
That's called
"packing the court,"
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00:05:25,345 --> 00:05:27,428
and there's nothing
in the Constitution
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00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:28,845
that says you can't do it.
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00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:32,261
I'm sorry, but why the eff
did you not say this earlier?
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00:05:32,261 --> 00:05:34,512
Upending centuries
of judicial protocol
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00:05:34,512 --> 00:05:37,679
is way easier than schmoozing
John Roberts for three minutes!
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00:05:37,679 --> 00:05:39,053
Just a heads up, though.
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00:05:39,053 --> 00:05:41,804
The Democrats might have
some thoughts on this.
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00:05:41,804 --> 00:05:43,345
[both screaming wildly,
glass shatters]
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00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:47,220
[Eric]
And as Aristotle said,
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00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:48,387
"Fear is pain...
[groaning]
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00:05:48,387 --> 00:05:51,929
...arising from the
anticipation of evil."
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00:05:51,929 --> 00:05:56,595
That concludes my one-slide
PowerPoint by Eric Tump.
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00:05:56,595 --> 00:06:00,136
Sorry about the typo.
I couldn't find the backspace.
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00:06:00,136 --> 00:06:03,387
Eric, you're just not cut out
for the family business.
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00:06:03,387 --> 00:06:06,387
Remember when I let you build
Trump International Manhattan?
156
00:06:06,387 --> 00:06:10,053
I believe you're referring
to the infamous Jelly Tower.
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00:06:10,053 --> 00:06:11,929
We saved a lot of money
on beans
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00:06:11,929 --> 00:06:14,095
but lost a lot
of money on jelly.
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Hmm.
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00:06:16,887 --> 00:06:18,595
[cackling wildly]
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My father liked to dangle
his approval in front of me,
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00:06:21,303 --> 00:06:22,762
and it's only right
I do the same.
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00:06:22,762 --> 00:06:25,261
Prove to me you can handle
more responsibility,
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00:06:25,261 --> 00:06:27,887
and I'll make you
my last-ditch pick for CEO.
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Dad, I'll be so responsible,
you'll leave your kids with me.
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Fat chance!
My kids are assholes!
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00:06:34,345 --> 00:06:36,261
You wouldn't last
a second!
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00:06:36,261 --> 00:06:38,637
[C-SPAN narrator] We now join
the Senate Judiciary Committee
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00:06:38,637 --> 00:06:40,595
who is hearing testimony
from President Trump's
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00:06:40,595 --> 00:06:44,220
Supreme Court nominee,
My Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell.
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00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:46,261
[Lindell] So, I crawled
out of the drain pipe,
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00:06:46,261 --> 00:06:48,303
my pants shredded
like those things
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00:06:48,303 --> 00:06:50,428
that slap you at the car wash
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00:06:50,428 --> 00:06:52,303
when you're hiding out
from three guys
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00:06:52,303 --> 00:06:55,011
with knives Scotch-taped
to their knuckles,
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00:06:55,011 --> 00:06:56,887
and all I've got left
to my name
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00:06:56,887 --> 00:07:01,095
is a baby bottle full of NyQuil
and 30 dimes of flake.
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00:07:01,095 --> 00:07:05,345
So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya
gotta get the heck out of Fresno
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00:07:05,345 --> 00:07:08,178
before you end up
married again."
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00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:12,178
Sir, uh, all we asked
was your date of birth.
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I can give you the month --
summer.
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00:07:15,345 --> 00:07:17,804
"Crash-and-burn"
is what people are saying
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00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,762
about Trump's effort
to pack the court.
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00:07:19,762 --> 00:07:22,178
The three remaining nominees
withdrew after learning
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00:07:22,178 --> 00:07:26,136
their wages would be garnished
for child support. Yeesh!
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00:07:26,136 --> 00:07:28,345
[thunder rumbling]
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00:07:28,345 --> 00:07:30,887
[President Trump groaning]
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00:07:30,887 --> 00:07:32,470
Oh, God.
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00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:35,178
[Judge] Donald J. Trump,
the court finds you guilty
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00:07:35,178 --> 00:07:38,512
of phony witch-hunt charges
made up by losers and fakes!
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00:07:38,512 --> 00:07:41,345
I sentence you to
a million years in prison!
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00:07:41,345 --> 00:07:43,136
[gavel bangs]
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00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,428
[cell-door slam echoes]
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00:07:44,428 --> 00:07:46,470
[warden]
Recreation time is up!
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00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:48,512
Everyone back in their cells
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00:07:48,512 --> 00:07:51,595
for 23 hours
of sedentary rest!
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00:07:51,595 --> 00:07:53,053
Hooray!
[prisoner] Whoo!
199
00:07:53,053 --> 00:07:55,011
Ahh. I kinda like this.
200
00:07:55,011 --> 00:07:57,428
No one's making me do stuff,
food's chewy,
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00:07:57,428 --> 00:08:00,512
I get cool geometric tattoos
from white supremacists.
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00:08:00,512 --> 00:08:01,845
[rattling]
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00:08:01,845 --> 00:08:04,345
You said it, Dad!
I mean, roomie!
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00:08:04,345 --> 00:08:06,011
I got a million years
in here, too!
205
00:08:06,011 --> 00:08:08,762
How many years is a
million years? Let's count.
206
00:08:08,762 --> 00:08:12,345
One, two, three,
four, five...
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00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:14,428
sex -- sick! -- seven!
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00:08:14,428 --> 00:08:17,970
[screaming]
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00:08:17,970 --> 00:08:20,261
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00:08:20,261 --> 00:08:21,679
[President Trump]
You were right, Mitch.
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00:08:21,679 --> 00:08:22,845
I must be the schmoozer,
212
00:08:22,845 --> 00:08:24,387
and Supreme Court,
the schmoozees.
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00:08:24,387 --> 00:08:26,679
Great! What we need
is a fancy place
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00:08:26,679 --> 00:08:30,428
where French guys serve Italian
food under Chinese lanterns!
215
00:08:30,428 --> 00:08:31,887
We're in Washington,
Rudy.
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00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:33,929
All the restaurants suck,
and there aren't any good
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00:08:33,929 --> 00:08:35,637
husband-and-wife
cabaret acts.
218
00:08:35,637 --> 00:08:37,387
There's only one place
ritzy enough
219
00:08:37,387 --> 00:08:39,762
to schmooze Roberts
and those other nobodies.
220
00:08:39,762 --> 00:08:42,804
The place where everyone can be
whoever they want to be.
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00:08:42,804 --> 00:08:45,470
As long as they pay
the $200,000 fee.
222
00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:47,720
Where on Earth
could that be?!
223
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:52,637
224
00:09:38,553 --> 00:09:41,929
Thank you for all willingly
coming to Mar-a-Lago!
225
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:45,720
For the 1st Annual Supreme Court
Gala Spectacular!
226
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,637
Your security detail
picked us all up
227
00:09:47,637 --> 00:09:49,303
from our homes
in the dead of night.
228
00:09:49,303 --> 00:09:50,929
And they scared
the daylights
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00:09:50,929 --> 00:09:53,595
out of the paparazzi
standing in my yard.
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00:09:53,595 --> 00:09:57,261
Did you know that last year
they made two movies about me?
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00:09:57,261 --> 00:09:58,345
[Justices, annoyed]
Yes.
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00:09:58,345 --> 00:10:00,261
Who gives a crap
how we got here?
233
00:10:00,261 --> 00:10:02,512
We're away from our jobs,
our families,
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00:10:02,512 --> 00:10:04,303
the specters of our past.
235
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:05,929
That's the
alarming spirit.
236
00:10:05,929 --> 00:10:09,136
Swing vote John Roberts,
you're so cute and dangerous.
237
00:10:09,136 --> 00:10:11,804
Come ride with me
in my executive golf cart.
238
00:10:11,804 --> 00:10:15,136
The rest of you can ride in
Stephen Miller's hatchback.
239
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:18,428
No eating of the smoked trout
in the back seat!
240
00:10:18,428 --> 00:10:21,428
That's for
Uber customers.
241
00:10:21,428 --> 00:10:24,095
Does Roberts look like
he'll melt in my arms yet?
242
00:10:24,095 --> 00:10:27,011
I'd worry more about your sailor
on shore leave over there.
243
00:10:27,011 --> 00:10:29,762
It says you're open at 8:00,
but it's 8:02!
244
00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:32,303
I could sue you
for false advertising!
245
00:10:32,303 --> 00:10:33,762
[beatboxing]
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00:10:33,762 --> 00:10:35,637
He asked the concierge if,
instead of a regular room
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00:10:35,637 --> 00:10:36,762
with a mini-bar,
248
00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:38,720
he could get a mini-room
with a regular bar.
249
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,178
I could look after
Judge Kavanaugh!
250
00:10:41,178 --> 00:10:42,679
Sure, kid.
251
00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:44,970
Keep that twitchy lush
from ruining my schmooze-fest,
252
00:10:44,970 --> 00:10:48,512
and you can be CEO of any
of my billion-dollar fronts.
253
00:10:48,512 --> 00:10:49,637
254
00:10:49,637 --> 00:10:51,970
Excuse me.
Could I have a juice?
255
00:10:51,970 --> 00:10:55,220
My on-again-off-again boyfriend
always gets me a juice.
256
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:58,178
I told you --
he's a starfucker!
257
00:10:58,178 --> 00:11:00,553
To get the full
Mar-a-Lago experience,
258
00:11:00,553 --> 00:11:02,679
you gotta sit
with the power players.
259
00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:05,178
Rudy Giuliani.
God damn it!
260
00:11:05,178 --> 00:11:08,178
I spilled ketchup on the gravy
I spilled on my suit!
261
00:11:08,178 --> 00:11:10,178
Shinzo Abe.
He's always here.
262
00:11:10,178 --> 00:11:12,720
[speaking Japanese]
263
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,178
Then there's this Russian guy.
We have an understanding.
264
00:11:15,178 --> 00:11:16,970
He tells me to do stuff,
and I do it.
265
00:11:16,970 --> 00:11:18,011
[grunts]
266
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,553
We should really invite over
the other justices.
267
00:11:20,553 --> 00:11:22,512
They actually told me
they think you stink
268
00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:24,136
and are probably
a bad kisser.
269
00:11:24,136 --> 00:11:26,512
The best way to get back at them
is to let me pardon myself
270
00:11:26,512 --> 00:11:29,178
for crimes past,
present, and future.
271
00:11:29,178 --> 00:11:32,178
I...have to go to
the little men's room.
272
00:11:32,178 --> 00:11:34,762
Oy. Way to go, Shinzo.
You blew it.
273
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,470
Take your meal
back to your room.
274
00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:38,637
It's always
Shinzo's fault.
275
00:11:38,637 --> 00:11:41,887
And don't spill caramel
on the bed again!
276
00:11:41,887 --> 00:11:43,261
[Abe] I know!
277
00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:44,595
So, in order to graduate
278
00:11:44,595 --> 00:11:47,679
from Victor Balloon's
School of Ventriloquism,
279
00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:49,762
Deion the Donkey and I
needed to execute
280
00:11:49,762 --> 00:11:52,553
the fabled
double-donkey hee-haw.
281
00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:54,720
Anyways,
you work at, uh...?
282
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,929
SCOTUS! I should have
never signed up!
283
00:11:56,929 --> 00:11:59,053
It's the worst thing
I've ever done!
284
00:11:59,053 --> 00:12:00,845
Where's my beer?!
285
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:04,011
I worked my whole life to
drink a beer right now!
286
00:12:04,011 --> 00:12:07,095
I'm actually not supposed
to let you drink.
287
00:12:07,095 --> 00:12:10,762
Uhh! But I like beer!
I like beer! I like beer!!
288
00:12:10,762 --> 00:12:12,470
What if I just
vouch for you
289
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:15,011
like the way
Squi vouched for me?
290
00:12:15,011 --> 00:12:16,261
You'd do that?
291
00:12:16,261 --> 00:12:19,095
Beep-borp-bup-bup.
Hello? Mr. Trump?
292
00:12:19,095 --> 00:12:20,929
Yes, I am sober.
293
00:12:20,929 --> 00:12:23,470
You'll make Eric the CEO
tomorrow morning?
294
00:12:23,470 --> 00:12:25,303
I'll tell him right now!
Beep.
295
00:12:25,303 --> 00:12:27,136
A round of beers
to celebrate?!
296
00:12:27,136 --> 00:12:29,345
Okay! But just one.
297
00:12:29,345 --> 00:12:30,929
[squeaking]
298
00:12:30,929 --> 00:12:33,428
299
00:12:33,428 --> 00:12:35,387
[sea birds crying]
300
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:37,679
[clanging]
G-Gah!
301
00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:40,387
Rise and shine,
my favorite justice!
302
00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:43,387
We've got an amazing,
action-packed day ahead of us.
303
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,720
How did you get in here?
304
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,804
I have all the keys
to all the doors.
305
00:12:46,804 --> 00:12:48,720
The groundskeeper fished
the bloated, dead guy
306
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,637
out of the pool,
so get your trunks on,
307
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,178
then you'll let me
pardon myself,
308
00:12:52,178 --> 00:12:53,970
then we'll hit
the omelet bar.
309
00:12:53,970 --> 00:12:56,303
I know you're trying to
exert undue influence on me
310
00:12:56,303 --> 00:12:57,637
to vote in your favor.
311
00:12:57,637 --> 00:13:00,553
And as umpire of the court,
I call that a foul ball.
312
00:13:00,553 --> 00:13:02,095
I usually don't do this,
313
00:13:02,095 --> 00:13:05,178
but what if I switched you
to a bed-bug free room?
314
00:13:05,178 --> 00:13:07,804
rock music plays
315
00:13:07,804 --> 00:13:10,970
[slurring] Is that the hardest
you can slap, Jelly Boy?!
316
00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:13,845
[slurring] Hey! You promised
you wouldn't call me that!
317
00:13:13,845 --> 00:13:16,136
I turned my back
on Deion the Donkey
318
00:13:16,136 --> 00:13:17,637
to build Jelly Tower!
319
00:13:17,637 --> 00:13:20,470
Oh, I'm sorry,
Jelly Boy!
320
00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:23,887
You gonna cry boysenberry tears
out of your marmalade eyes
321
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:27,512
coming out of your
jelly face, Jelly Boy?!
322
00:13:27,512 --> 00:13:29,720
I'm a Jelly Man!
323
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,095
Oww!
324
00:13:31,095 --> 00:13:34,136
Now my face is gonna go
from beautiful crimson
325
00:13:34,136 --> 00:13:35,345
to ugly vermilion!
326
00:13:35,345 --> 00:13:37,512
What are you
gonna do about it --
327
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:41,178
wah-wah cry like you did
at your hearing?
328
00:13:41,178 --> 00:13:43,178
I'm gonna head-butt you
'til you die!
329
00:13:43,178 --> 00:13:44,428
Bring it!
330
00:13:44,428 --> 00:13:45,970
[both] One, two...
331
00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:47,512
[both scream]
332
00:13:48,845 --> 00:13:50,845
Donald, quit trying to
schmooze the Supreme Court
333
00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:53,470
and just poke them with
a poison-tipped umbrella.
334
00:13:53,470 --> 00:13:55,512
We don't have umbrellas
in Florida.
335
00:13:55,512 --> 00:13:56,845
It's the Sunshine State.
336
00:13:56,845 --> 00:13:58,970
Then get some kompromat
that'll make Roberts
337
00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:00,512
the laughingstock
of the whole judiciary.
338
00:14:00,512 --> 00:14:02,095
Ooh, and while
you're at it,
339
00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:04,303
do the other justices
dirty, too!
340
00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:06,720
That's why you're the leader
of the free world.
341
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,220
I can't take
all the credit.
342
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:10,387
You got to give some
to the death squads.
343
00:14:10,387 --> 00:14:11,887
[classical music plays]
344
00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:15,261
Wow! Do you guys know
how to party or what?!
345
00:14:15,261 --> 00:14:16,553
346
00:14:16,553 --> 00:14:18,303
And keep that applause going
347
00:14:18,303 --> 00:14:21,053
for our Guy of the Year
Award recipient,
348
00:14:21,053 --> 00:14:23,220
Chief Justice Roberts!
349
00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:26,428
Are you any closer
to giving me my self-pardon?
350
00:14:26,428 --> 00:14:29,011
I said "no"
and I look like a fool.
351
00:14:29,011 --> 00:14:31,553
Fine! Then the only thing left
is the group kompromat --
352
00:14:31,553 --> 00:14:32,762
I mean group photo.
353
00:14:32,762 --> 00:14:35,387
Everyone grab some champagne
and hop on stage!
354
00:14:35,387 --> 00:14:37,220
[Justice] Let's just do this
so we can go to bed.
355
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,428
Sanders, remember.
Downward angle,
find your light.
356
00:14:39,428 --> 00:14:40,929
I know, I know.
357
00:14:40,929 --> 00:14:42,387
Say "blackmail."
358
00:14:42,387 --> 00:14:43,970
[Justices] Blackmail.
[camera shutter clicks]
359
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,553
Is it hot fire?
360
00:14:45,553 --> 00:14:48,720
I've got my kompromat,
I've got my kompromat
361
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,136
Wow. You should be
on Broadway.
362
00:14:50,136 --> 00:14:52,095
So the Supreme Court
will issue a decision
363
00:14:52,095 --> 00:14:54,720
on the presidential
self-pardon Monday at noon.
364
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,220
I wonder who
I'll self-pardon first.
365
00:14:57,220 --> 00:14:59,261
Hmm. I'm thinking me.
366
00:14:59,261 --> 00:15:01,095
[Cooper] Look at that.
As a result of this
367
00:15:01,095 --> 00:15:03,845
compromising leaked photo,
the eight justices pictured
368
00:15:03,845 --> 00:15:05,804
have recused themselves
from all legal matters
369
00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:07,095
pertaining to the president.
370
00:15:07,095 --> 00:15:08,679
Who would leak
such a thing?
371
00:15:08,679 --> 00:15:11,845
I took that in the privacy
of a 250-seat ballroom
372
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,470
with 19 entrances.
373
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:16,011
The hot photo appeared
on the Instagram account
374
00:15:16,011 --> 00:15:18,512
of Japanese Prime Minister
Shinzo Abe.
375
00:15:18,512 --> 00:15:21,095
I want Shinzo's badge and gun
on my desk by morning.
376
00:15:21,095 --> 00:15:22,929
This means that,
in the upcoming hearing
377
00:15:22,929 --> 00:15:25,136
concerning the president's
self-pardon power,
378
00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:27,011
the opinion will be issued
at the sole discretion
379
00:15:27,011 --> 00:15:30,720
of the one Justice not recused,
Brett Kavanaugh.
380
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:31,970
Ohh! Even better!
381
00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,595
He'll give you
the kind of justice
382
00:15:33,595 --> 00:15:35,679
that rich, white guys have
been passing back and forth
383
00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:37,220
ever since
the nation's founding.
384
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:38,804
All we have to do
is make sure
385
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:40,679
Brett Kavanaugh's
on that bench on Monday.
386
00:15:40,679 --> 00:15:43,303
Don't worry. I got
my best, weirdest son
387
00:15:43,303 --> 00:15:44,637
taking care of him.
388
00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:48,178
[weakly] Whoa.
389
00:15:48,178 --> 00:15:49,970
What happened
last night?
390
00:15:49,970 --> 00:15:53,261
It's just like that R-rated
bachelor-party movie
391
00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:54,970
The Hang Glider.
392
00:15:54,970 --> 00:15:57,178
393
00:15:57,178 --> 00:15:58,970
[Kavanaugh] "Jelly Man,
last night reminded me
394
00:15:58,970 --> 00:16:00,804
how much I enjoy
being away from it all,
395
00:16:00,804 --> 00:16:02,637
drowning in liquid fun!
396
00:16:02,637 --> 00:16:03,970
Don't come looking for me,
397
00:16:03,970 --> 00:16:05,428
or I'll take the fuck off
running!
398
00:16:05,428 --> 00:16:08,095
Signed, coach of my daughter's
basketball team, Brett K."
399
00:16:08,095 --> 00:16:10,178
[screams]
400
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:13,011
I can't find him anywhere, Don!
401
00:16:13,011 --> 00:16:15,387
You're lucky I'm an
expert at understanding
402
00:16:15,387 --> 00:16:18,053
the inner workings
of a middle-aged party king.
403
00:16:18,053 --> 00:16:19,428
You have any clues?
404
00:16:19,428 --> 00:16:23,637
There's a loafer print headed
due west in this mound of vomit.
405
00:16:23,637 --> 00:16:26,178
He flew the coop!
I'm coming down there, Eric.
406
00:16:26,178 --> 00:16:28,136
Good thing I have shit loads
of Southwest points
407
00:16:28,136 --> 00:16:30,679
from tickets I bought so I could
get drunk at La Guardia.
408
00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,929
Wait! I think
I know where he is!
409
00:16:32,929 --> 00:16:36,011
Have you ever heard of
a town called...Orlando?
410
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,845
Have you ever heard
of a town called
411
00:16:37,845 --> 00:16:39,553
"Shut Up,
I'll Meet You There"?
412
00:16:39,553 --> 00:16:41,011
413
00:16:41,011 --> 00:16:43,804
Let us bow our heads in prayer
to Brett Kavanaugh
414
00:16:43,804 --> 00:16:46,553
for making this lawlessness
possible for me.
415
00:16:46,553 --> 00:16:49,387
May he go to bed
without getting the spins.
416
00:16:49,387 --> 00:16:50,387
[all] Amen.
417
00:16:50,387 --> 00:16:51,845
Now, what crimes
should I commit?
418
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:55,053
And remember, there are no small
crimes -- only short criminals.
419
00:16:55,053 --> 00:16:56,512
Before you commit
more crimes,
420
00:16:56,512 --> 00:16:57,929
shouldn't you wait
until Kavanaugh
421
00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,720
actually hands down
his ruling?
422
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,220
That's strike three,
Pompeo.
423
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,095
Strikes one and two
were existing.
424
00:17:03,095 --> 00:17:04,387
Will there be
any more innings?
425
00:17:04,387 --> 00:17:05,929
We just found
our next crime --
426
00:17:05,929 --> 00:17:09,387
we're gonna torture Pompeo until
he swallows his own tongue!
427
00:17:09,387 --> 00:17:11,053
-That's great!
-Let's kill him, huh?
428
00:17:11,053 --> 00:17:13,053
I'm free all day,
so just let me know.
429
00:17:13,053 --> 00:17:14,679
[dolphin chittering]
430
00:17:14,679 --> 00:17:16,220
[host] These dolphins
are kept alive
431
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:19,011
only by the fish
they receive mid-backflip.
432
00:17:19,011 --> 00:17:22,553
Wow! Wait. What the hell
are we doing at SeaWorld?
433
00:17:22,553 --> 00:17:26,011
Brett's note said he wanted
to drown in "liquid fun."
434
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:29,804
I used my deductive,
future CEO logic to deduce
435
00:17:29,804 --> 00:17:34,095
that SeaWorld is the liquid-fun
capital of Florida.
436
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:37,929
Eric, "liquid fun"
is bro-slang for beer!
437
00:17:37,929 --> 00:17:40,095
There's no beer
at SeaWorld!
438
00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:42,929
How long has he been gone?
Two days.
439
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,929
Two days of drunk stumbling
440
00:17:44,929 --> 00:17:47,095
is four days
of sober sprinting.
441
00:17:47,095 --> 00:17:48,470
He could be anywhere,
442
00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:52,261
you irresponsible, grade-A,
grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty!
443
00:17:52,261 --> 00:17:54,929
It's the weekend,
it's time to have fun
444
00:17:54,929 --> 00:17:57,053
Mike Pompeo,
for the crime of being
445
00:17:57,053 --> 00:17:59,220
a boring-annoying-dumb
loser,
446
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:01,762
I sentence you to
sledgehammering of the legs,
447
00:18:01,762 --> 00:18:04,095
then blowtorching,
then poisoning,
448
00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:06,970
and finally being eaten
good and slow by fire ants.
449
00:18:06,970 --> 00:18:08,887
If I'm gonna be
covered in ants,
450
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:10,762
can I at least have
a picnic with them?
451
00:18:10,762 --> 00:18:13,261
That's it. I'm setting
the crossbow to turbo.
452
00:18:13,261 --> 00:18:15,011
It's Eric, sir.
Do you wanna talk
453
00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:16,970
or should I just
make up something?
454
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,220
Ugh...
455
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:19,804
Dad, remember
when you said
456
00:18:19,804 --> 00:18:22,845
you'd always love me
no matter what?
Nope.
457
00:18:22,845 --> 00:18:25,345
I lost Brett Kavanaugh!
458
00:18:25,345 --> 00:18:28,553
[crying] D-a-a-ad!
459
00:18:28,553 --> 00:18:30,095
Kavanaugh is gone.
460
00:18:30,095 --> 00:18:32,220
Now I'm just another
below-the-law schmuck
461
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:34,637
who can be thrown in jail
like my former lawyer,
462
00:18:34,637 --> 00:18:35,845
former campaign chief,
463
00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:38,595
and three dozen
of my closest associates.
464
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:41,804
I could pardon you if I was
president. Hint, hint.
465
00:18:41,804 --> 00:18:44,345
It's been two days
466
00:18:44,345 --> 00:18:47,220
since Supreme Court Justice
Brett Kavanaugh
467
00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:50,178
disappeared into
the humid badlands of Florida.
468
00:18:50,178 --> 00:18:52,136
Search parties
continue to comb through
469
00:18:52,136 --> 00:18:54,345
every roadside motel bar
470
00:18:54,345 --> 00:18:57,720
and empty Circuit City with
a back door you can jimmy open.
471
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,679
Maybe they found Kavanaugh
on Hannity.
472
00:18:59,679 --> 00:19:02,762
With Brett Kavanaugh missing,
we all have no choice
473
00:19:02,762 --> 00:19:05,595
but to retreat underground
with the survivalist buckets
474
00:19:05,595 --> 00:19:08,178
for sale exclusively
on my website!
475
00:19:08,178 --> 00:19:11,887
My favorite is the Hannity
Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop!
476
00:19:11,887 --> 00:19:13,887
Mmm! Buy the --
Buy the whole pail!
477
00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:16,845
Melania, I can't go to
prison looking this pretty.
478
00:19:16,845 --> 00:19:18,220
I know this is difficult,
479
00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:20,303
but I need you to hit me
as hard as you --
480
00:19:22,303 --> 00:19:24,220
Thanks for
pitchin' in, honey.
481
00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:25,553
482
00:19:25,553 --> 00:19:26,887
[Eric] Drat!
483
00:19:26,887 --> 00:19:28,345
Thought it might be
Kavanaugh,
484
00:19:28,345 --> 00:19:31,845
but it's just another
dead, bloated guy.
485
00:19:31,845 --> 00:19:33,845
Time to face facts --
you'll always be
486
00:19:33,845 --> 00:19:35,345
the businessman
fisher-outer
487
00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:37,178
and never
the businessman fishee.
488
00:19:37,178 --> 00:19:40,345
How will I ever live up
to my family name?
489
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,428
All I have
are my handsome gums
490
00:19:42,428 --> 00:19:46,387
and 28 credits toward
my ventriloquism degree.
491
00:19:46,387 --> 00:19:48,720
Forget it, Eric.
Your only career path now
492
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,553
is to join
my Secret Service detail
493
00:19:50,553 --> 00:19:53,637
and somehow not fall in love
with me, à la The Bodyguard.
494
00:19:53,637 --> 00:19:55,178
And good luck
because I am...
495
00:19:55,178 --> 00:19:57,553
Enchanting as ass
496
00:19:57,553 --> 00:19:59,720
[President Trump]
Because all the judges
497
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,595
are either recused
or horking into the Everglades,
498
00:20:02,595 --> 00:20:05,345
the Supreme Court
will fail to hear my case.
499
00:20:05,345 --> 00:20:07,512
You're the man of
the White House now, Mikey.
500
00:20:07,512 --> 00:20:09,720
Here's the presidential
suit and tie.
501
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,387
They'll probably
be tight on you.
502
00:20:11,387 --> 00:20:15,553
As much as I appreciate the
gesture, I shall not accept.
503
00:20:15,553 --> 00:20:18,387
If there's one thing your
supporters don't want to see,
504
00:20:18,387 --> 00:20:21,762
it's you being held accountable
for your actions.
505
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,428
Pardon or no pardon,
you need to fight
506
00:20:24,428 --> 00:20:27,011
to make sure America
continues to be a place
507
00:20:27,011 --> 00:20:30,762
where guys like you
can get away with anything.
508
00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:34,970
509
00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:37,845
And I'm with you
510
00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:39,762
Tonight
511
00:20:39,762 --> 00:20:42,553
Eric, are you seriously
not gonna put your name in?
512
00:20:42,553 --> 00:20:43,679
They got Sublime!
513
00:20:43,679 --> 00:20:46,261
I see why Brett
was so into this beer.
514
00:20:46,261 --> 00:20:49,428
It makes being a failure
a lot more palatable.
515
00:20:49,428 --> 00:20:50,929
You didn't fail today.
516
00:20:50,929 --> 00:20:52,762
You failed the moment
you tried to be
517
00:20:52,762 --> 00:20:54,553
a bad-ass business Trump
like me
518
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:56,345
instead of an artsy
ass-wad Trump
519
00:20:56,345 --> 00:20:58,428
walking around with
a donkey on his hand.
520
00:20:58,428 --> 00:21:00,303
[crying] I just want to
prove I'm responsible
521
00:21:00,303 --> 00:21:03,303
and get
Brett Kavanaugh back!
522
00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,595
Sorry, Eric.
As a child of privilege,
523
00:21:05,595 --> 00:21:07,970
you don't always get what you
want the minute you want it.
524
00:21:07,970 --> 00:21:10,345
Sometimes you have to wait for
things to fall into your lap.
525
00:21:10,345 --> 00:21:11,804
[Kavanaugh] Ahh!
526
00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:14,178
[karaoke host] And next up
for karaoke is Coach Brett K!
527
00:21:14,178 --> 00:21:18,637
Uh...how's everybody doin'?!
Shut up!
528
00:21:18,637 --> 00:21:19,845
529
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,303
[Kavanaugh] I don't
wanna go to Washington!
530
00:21:22,303 --> 00:21:26,345
Take me to Tobin's garage
for whip-its and garlic knots!
531
00:21:26,345 --> 00:21:28,178
You belong
on the Supreme Court
532
00:21:28,178 --> 00:21:30,178
deciding
the reproductive fate
533
00:21:30,178 --> 00:21:32,387
of every single
American woman!
534
00:21:32,387 --> 00:21:34,679
We don't have much time!
Floor it!
535
00:21:34,679 --> 00:21:36,804
[man] Is this the end
of your presidency?
536
00:21:36,804 --> 00:21:38,220
When you came for Clinton,
537
00:21:38,220 --> 00:21:40,178
he hopped
on Jeffrey Epstein's jet
538
00:21:40,178 --> 00:21:43,011
and hightailed it to Harlem
to write his memoirs.
539
00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:45,178
When you tried to pin
those million Iraq murders
540
00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:47,261
on George W. Bush, he escaped
541
00:21:47,261 --> 00:21:50,011
to his artist's loft
to paint bathtubs.
542
00:21:50,011 --> 00:21:51,970
And when you came
for William Henry Harrison,
543
00:21:51,970 --> 00:21:54,011
he got pneumonia and died!
544
00:21:54,011 --> 00:21:55,512
But America elected me
545
00:21:55,512 --> 00:21:57,970
to see how much stuff
I could get away with,
546
00:21:57,970 --> 00:22:00,261
and I'm not done
getting away with stuff.
547
00:22:00,261 --> 00:22:01,804
[man] Mr. President!
[reporters shouting questions]
548
00:22:01,804 --> 00:22:02,929
[Conway] Get the hell
out of my way!
549
00:22:02,929 --> 00:22:05,095
Mr. President,
it's your shithead sons.
550
00:22:05,095 --> 00:22:08,303
Dad! It's your shithead sons!
We found Brett Kavanaugh!
551
00:22:08,303 --> 00:22:10,720
He smells like an
un-air-conditioned food court!
552
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,303
Sandblast the puke
from his face
553
00:22:12,303 --> 00:22:13,679
and get him
in that judge dress.
554
00:22:13,679 --> 00:22:14,804
We have no time to lose.
555
00:22:14,804 --> 00:22:17,595
556
00:22:17,595 --> 00:22:19,887
[tick echoes]
557
00:22:19,887 --> 00:22:21,261
Kavanaugh's on his way.
558
00:22:21,261 --> 00:22:22,679
You need to stall
until he gets here.
559
00:22:22,679 --> 00:22:24,178
I'm on it!
560
00:22:24,178 --> 00:22:25,679
[clears throat]
For my first stall,
561
00:22:25,679 --> 00:22:28,637
I'd like to take a really
long time to say my name.
562
00:22:28,637 --> 00:22:33,261
Ruuuuuudddddyyy
Giuuuuliannniii
563
00:22:33,261 --> 00:22:35,387
Crap! That came out way
faster than I meant it to!
564
00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:37,136
Alright. What else?
What else? Um...
565
00:22:37,136 --> 00:22:38,845
Ah, one of the old favorites!
566
00:22:38,845 --> 00:22:41,428
It was a beautiful
September morning,
567
00:22:41,428 --> 00:22:43,053
not a cloud in the sky...
568
00:22:43,053 --> 00:22:45,053
[Kavanaugh groaning]
569
00:22:45,053 --> 00:22:46,887
I think he peed!
570
00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:48,720
Oh, good.
That means he's alive!
571
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,970
So Lorne Michaels turns to me
and says, "Can we be funny?"
572
00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:54,720
Is this over yet?
And, totally off the cuff,
I said -- What did I say?
573
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,387
I'm meeting with
Jeff Katzenberg at 4:00.
574
00:22:56,387 --> 00:22:59,553
I told you, Hollywood's
gonna eat you alive!
575
00:22:59,553 --> 00:23:02,220
Wait! Don't marry him
or whatever!
576
00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:04,178
Quick, Eric.
Get him on the bench!
577
00:23:04,178 --> 00:23:07,387
I would, Dad, but he's
too blitzed to speak.
578
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:10,261
If I'm so blitzed, then
how come I can still say --
579
00:23:10,261 --> 00:23:12,136
BLLUUGHHHH!
580
00:23:12,136 --> 00:23:13,762
There's nothing left
to do now
581
00:23:13,762 --> 00:23:15,720
but accept
our pitiful failure.
582
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,887
If only someone could make
Brett Kavanaugh talk...
583
00:23:19,887 --> 00:23:23,220
584
00:23:23,220 --> 00:23:26,720
So, Justice Kavanaugh,
do you think my dad
585
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,804
should be able
to pardon himself?
586
00:23:28,804 --> 00:23:30,512
[Kavanaugh impression]
I sure do,
587
00:23:30,512 --> 00:23:33,387
as much as I think
you need a bath!
588
00:23:33,387 --> 00:23:34,762
[Don Jr.] Got 'im!
589
00:23:34,762 --> 00:23:38,261
[normal voice] Aww. That's not
very nice, Justice Kavanaugh.
590
00:23:38,261 --> 00:23:40,470
[Kavanaugh impression] You know
what's even more not nice?
591
00:23:40,470 --> 00:23:43,261
Charging the president
for his crimes.
592
00:23:43,261 --> 00:23:45,095
He is above us all.
593
00:23:45,095 --> 00:23:46,762
[Eric and Kavanaugh impression]
Hee haw!
594
00:23:46,762 --> 00:23:48,136
Holy shit! He did it!
595
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:50,428
He did the
double-donkey hee-haw!
596
00:23:50,428 --> 00:23:51,970
[grumbles]
Who said that?
597
00:23:51,970 --> 00:23:53,220
[chomps]
Aah!
598
00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:54,970
He bit off his finger!
599
00:23:54,970 --> 00:23:56,804
I don't care if I go to jail.
600
00:23:56,804 --> 00:23:59,470
This is the best thing
I've ever seen!
601
00:23:59,470 --> 00:24:02,053
It was a dramatic day
at the Supreme Court.
602
00:24:02,053 --> 00:24:04,804
We have these exclusive
courtroom sketches.
603
00:24:04,804 --> 00:24:06,595
There's Kavanaugh
biting off Eric's finger,
604
00:24:06,595 --> 00:24:10,220
then regurgitating it
toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum,
605
00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:11,970
then there's some keep-away.
606
00:24:11,970 --> 00:24:14,136
But Kavanaugh did submit
a written opinion,
607
00:24:14,136 --> 00:24:16,220
which I have here.
608
00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:19,387
Okay. This is a bar menu from a
West Palm Beach Margaritaville.
609
00:24:19,387 --> 00:24:21,845
As to whether the president
can pardon himself,
610
00:24:21,845 --> 00:24:24,512
it's still unclear,
but between Dred Scott
611
00:24:24,512 --> 00:24:26,679
and Citizens United,
the ruling to allow
612
00:24:26,679 --> 00:24:28,970
"Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos
613
00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:30,637
to be two-for-one
on Wednesdays"
614
00:24:30,637 --> 00:24:32,679
is one of the least-harmful
decisions
615
00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:34,220
the Supreme Court has ever made.
616
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:36,011
617
00:24:36,011 --> 00:24:38,720
So, are you allowed
to pardon yourself or nah?
618
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,136
No one knows.
619
00:24:40,136 --> 00:24:42,845
So I'll just give it a shot,
see if anyone freaks out.
620
00:24:42,845 --> 00:24:45,804
Eric, I want to thank you
for tracking down Kavanaugh
621
00:24:45,804 --> 00:24:47,220
and bringing him back here,
622
00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:49,345
no matter how bad
it made the city smell.
623
00:24:49,345 --> 00:24:52,303
You've proven you really
can handle responsibility.
624
00:24:52,303 --> 00:24:55,303
Does this mean
I'm CEO of Trump Org?!
625
00:24:55,303 --> 00:24:56,845
Even better!
626
00:24:56,845 --> 00:25:01,011
I'm making you CEO of
Trump Ventriloquism University!
627
00:25:01,011 --> 00:25:03,887
We're opening
a Ventriloquism University?!
628
00:25:03,887 --> 00:25:05,679
It's more of
a money-laundering front
629
00:25:05,679 --> 00:25:07,970
for which you will be held
legally responsible,
630
00:25:07,970 --> 00:25:09,387
but you're the CEO.
631
00:25:09,387 --> 00:25:12,845
When the Feds come, I'll make
Deion the Donkey take the fall!
632
00:25:12,845 --> 00:25:14,220
That's my boy!
633
00:25:14,220 --> 00:25:17,095
Now everyone shut up and put
the crime sock on the door.
634
00:25:17,095 --> 00:25:18,970
We've got work to do!
635
00:25:18,970 --> 00:25:20,387
['80s-style pop music plays]
636
00:25:20,387 --> 00:25:23,553
Donald Trump
is the president
637
00:25:23,553 --> 00:25:27,011
Donald Trump
is the president
638
00:25:27,011 --> 00:25:29,387
Is Donald Trump
the president?
639
00:25:29,387 --> 00:25:30,762
Yes, he is
640
00:25:30,762 --> 00:25:34,011
Yes, he is,
we elected him president
641
00:25:34,011 --> 00:25:36,679
Is Donald Trump
the president?
642
00:25:36,679 --> 00:25:38,095
Yes, he is
643
00:25:38,095 --> 00:25:41,095
We had a vote
and elected him president
644
00:25:41,095 --> 00:25:46,136
Donald Trump
is the president
645
00:25:48,178 --> 00:25:50,053
Donald Trump
646
00:25:50,053 --> 00:25:53,470
He is our president
647
00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:56,929
We made him president
648
00:25:56,929 --> 00:25:59,261
We did it
649
00:25:59,261 --> 00:26:03,261
Donald Trump
is the president
650
00:26:03,261 --> 00:26:06,261
We elected Donald Trump
651
00:26:06,261 --> 00:26:09,762
Donald Trump
is the president
652
00:26:09,762 --> 00:26:13,387
Donald Trump
is the president
653
00:26:13,387 --> 00:26:17,095
Yeah
654
00:26:17,095 --> 00:26:19,095
Trump!
49670
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