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1
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Previously on
"American Princess"...
2
00:00:03,506 --> 00:00:04,420
Juan Andrés.
3
00:00:04,463 --> 00:00:05,638
I...
4
00:00:05,682 --> 00:00:07,510
like him.
5
00:00:07,553 --> 00:00:08,902
You got to go get him!
6
00:00:08,946 --> 00:00:11,644
7
00:00:11,688 --> 00:00:14,386
Erin: Mom O.D.'d.
Get your ass home.
8
00:00:14,430 --> 00:00:16,562
Get Mommy a flat white
from that place on 84th.
9
00:00:17,911 --> 00:00:19,043
Hi.
10
00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,131
Oh, she didn't.
11
00:00:20,175 --> 00:00:22,177
Stop with this
foolishness!
12
00:00:22,220 --> 00:00:24,048
You belong here.
13
00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:25,441
Doctor Bloom!
14
00:00:26,833 --> 00:00:28,400
What is going on?
15
00:00:28,444 --> 00:00:31,490
What is
an intervention?
16
00:00:31,534 --> 00:00:34,102
I have finally found a place
where I feel good.
17
00:00:34,145 --> 00:00:35,494
And I'm gonna stay there
18
00:00:35,538 --> 00:00:36,626
for as long as
I keep feeling that way.
19
00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:39,977
20
00:00:40,021 --> 00:00:42,458
If I sent you a cryptic message
saying, "Save me,"
21
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:43,763
you wouldn't at least
look into it?
22
00:00:43,807 --> 00:00:45,765
23
00:00:45,809 --> 00:00:47,071
What?
24
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,377
She's gone.
25
00:00:48,420 --> 00:00:49,987
[ Chuckles ]
26
00:00:50,031 --> 00:00:51,380
[ Phone beeps ]
27
00:00:51,423 --> 00:00:53,817
[ Laughs ]
28
00:00:53,860 --> 00:00:56,037
No effing way!
29
00:00:57,255 --> 00:01:05,220
30
00:01:07,787 --> 00:01:09,398
Where is everyone?
31
00:01:09,441 --> 00:01:12,270
Did the party go late
last night?
No.
32
00:01:12,314 --> 00:01:14,055
It was after-hours bingo.
33
00:01:14,098 --> 00:01:16,231
There was a huge fight
over B-69.
34
00:01:16,274 --> 00:01:17,841
There is no B-69.
35
00:01:17,884 --> 00:01:19,277
That was the fight.
36
00:01:19,321 --> 00:01:20,800
[ Chuckles ]
37
00:01:20,844 --> 00:01:22,150
I love
when you report the news.
38
00:01:23,586 --> 00:01:25,283
Sit. I'll make eggs.
39
00:01:25,327 --> 00:01:27,024
What are your thoughts
on chervil?
40
00:01:27,068 --> 00:01:29,200
No. Tarragon.
41
00:01:29,244 --> 00:01:30,375
You know what?
42
00:01:30,419 --> 00:01:32,421
I'll surprise you.
43
00:01:32,464 --> 00:01:34,727
Giada says if you're not
willing to experiment
in the kitchen,
44
00:01:34,771 --> 00:01:36,077
then you might as well --
45
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,469
[ Gasps ]
46
00:01:37,513 --> 00:01:39,080
Amanda:
Shut up and suck it!
47
00:01:39,123 --> 00:01:41,386
That what I should've told
my mother and sister --
48
00:01:41,430 --> 00:01:42,605
all of them.
49
00:01:42,648 --> 00:01:43,910
They interventioned me
50
00:01:43,954 --> 00:01:45,347
like I was
one of those people
51
00:01:45,390 --> 00:01:47,566
that eats Styrofoam
or marries her chandelier.
52
00:01:47,610 --> 00:01:49,351
I once had feelings
for a tennis racket,
53
00:01:49,394 --> 00:01:51,135
but it was for
a very specific reason.
54
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:53,268
They act like
this isn't a career.
55
00:01:53,311 --> 00:01:55,922
People are thriving here.
56
00:01:55,966 --> 00:01:57,402
You're giving your family
too much power.
57
00:01:57,446 --> 00:01:59,056
Ignore them.
I can't.
58
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:01,189
My mother has a way of
burrowing into my ear
59
00:02:01,232 --> 00:02:02,755
like one of those worms
at camp.
60
00:02:02,799 --> 00:02:04,409
You know the red ones
with the tiny legs?
61
00:02:04,453 --> 00:02:06,150
That's a centipede,
62
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,543
and if it's inside your head,
you're dead already.
63
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:08,935
What if this is
as good as it gets?
64
00:02:08,979 --> 00:02:10,372
For me, I mean.
65
00:02:10,415 --> 00:02:12,635
What if I can't hack it,
and -- and --
66
00:02:12,678 --> 00:02:14,289
and I go crawling
back to New York
67
00:02:14,332 --> 00:02:15,725
with my tail
between my legs?
68
00:02:15,768 --> 00:02:17,335
Or not?
69
00:02:17,379 --> 00:02:19,163
This is your home now.
70
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:21,122
We got your back.
71
00:02:21,165 --> 00:02:22,993
And if you want to move up
in this world,
72
00:02:23,036 --> 00:02:24,951
I know you can do it.
73
00:02:24,995 --> 00:02:26,518
I believe in you.
74
00:02:26,562 --> 00:02:28,129
Thanks.
75
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,479
Hi.
76
00:02:30,522 --> 00:02:31,523
Hi.
77
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,613
Bye.
78
00:02:34,657 --> 00:02:39,183
79
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:40,532
Oh, what?
80
00:02:40,576 --> 00:02:42,099
We're not gonna talk
about the fact
81
00:02:42,143 --> 00:02:43,361
that you showed up
to my mother's apartment?
82
00:02:43,405 --> 00:02:45,058
Well, what was
I supposed to do?
83
00:02:45,102 --> 00:02:46,625
You texted "Save me"
and then you went
radio silent.
84
00:02:46,669 --> 00:02:48,279
So you were worried
about me?
No.
85
00:02:48,323 --> 00:02:49,628
I mean, yeah, maybe,
86
00:02:49,672 --> 00:02:51,978
just in a --
in a co-worker-y kind of way.
87
00:02:52,022 --> 00:02:53,632
Oh, yeah.
88
00:02:53,676 --> 00:02:54,764
Look, you serve beer,
all right?
89
00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:56,200
You're integral
to the faire.
90
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,941
How did you find out
where my mother lives?
91
00:02:57,984 --> 00:02:59,421
Her address
is on her Facebook profile.
92
00:02:59,464 --> 00:03:01,249
You should probably
tell her tt.
93
00:03:01,292 --> 00:03:03,207
So, what was
your final answer?
94
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,556
You were worried about me?
95
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,123
I thought you were dead.
96
00:03:06,167 --> 00:03:07,211
You're welcome!
97
00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:10,171
98
00:03:10,214 --> 00:03:12,085
[ All shouting ]Lee: You're all yelling.
99
00:03:12,129 --> 00:03:13,957
You're allyelling.Woman:
No, I'm not yelling!
100
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,741
You're --
I can't understand
101
00:03:15,785 --> 00:03:18,222
when you're all screaming
at the same time!
102
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,050
You. Chunk. Go.
103
00:03:20,093 --> 00:03:21,878
Everything got spoiled
in the fridge --
104
00:03:21,921 --> 00:03:23,532
the milk, the cheese --My amoxicillin.
105
00:03:23,575 --> 00:03:24,924
The avocados.
106
00:03:24,968 --> 00:03:26,665
Look at me, man.
I need good fats!
107
00:03:26,709 --> 00:03:27,971
Sorry, the damn thing
was humming yesterday,
108
00:03:28,014 --> 00:03:29,625
so I tried to fix it.
109
00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,148
But apparently duct tape
110
00:03:31,192 --> 00:03:33,019
isn't a suitable replacement
for a fan belt.
111
00:03:33,063 --> 00:03:34,412
Lesson learned.
112
00:03:34,456 --> 00:03:37,110
If anyone has a solution,
I'm all ears.
113
00:03:37,154 --> 00:03:38,416
Well, why didn't you
just call the repairman?
114
00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:39,939
Oh, that's brilliant.
115
00:03:39,983 --> 00:03:41,550
I'll get on that
as soon as I express
116
00:03:41,593 --> 00:03:43,378
the anal glands
of my unicorn.
117
00:03:43,421 --> 00:03:44,814
It's a refrigerator.
118
00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:46,424
It can't cost that much.
119
00:03:46,468 --> 00:03:47,469
Then you pay for it.
120
00:03:47,512 --> 00:03:50,254
[ All shouting ]
121
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:51,995
What is this noise
about?
122
00:03:52,038 --> 00:03:53,910
And be brief.
I don't care that much.
123
00:03:53,953 --> 00:03:55,868
The food was ruined,
everyone's starving.
124
00:03:55,912 --> 00:03:59,394
Oh, that's awful.
125
00:03:59,437 --> 00:04:01,352
But Queen Elizabeth
adored her people.
126
00:04:01,396 --> 00:04:02,614
127
00:04:02,658 --> 00:04:03,833
As do I.
128
00:04:03,876 --> 00:04:05,226
[ Chuckles ]
129
00:04:05,269 --> 00:04:06,183
Please.
130
00:04:06,227 --> 00:04:07,663
131
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,273
Share.
132
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:12,102
133
00:04:12,145 --> 00:04:14,278
My mini-fridge
is stocked with Go-Gurt.
134
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:16,062
It's yours.
135
00:04:16,106 --> 00:04:17,281
[ Sighs ]
136
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:18,630
Lee:
Okay, I'll call and see
137
00:04:18,674 --> 00:04:20,545
if I can get a guy
out here today,
138
00:04:20,589 --> 00:04:22,765
but you all are gonna have
to live with a broken shower
139
00:04:22,808 --> 00:04:24,375
and no bonfire
this week.
140
00:04:24,419 --> 00:04:26,508
-Whoa!
-No!
141
00:04:26,551 --> 00:04:28,118
I'm sorry, but everything
comes with a price.
142
00:04:28,161 --> 00:04:30,425
We don't have
that much cardboard to burn,
143
00:04:30,468 --> 00:04:32,514
and firewood doesn't exactly
grow on trees.
144
00:04:32,557 --> 00:04:34,298
No. It doesn't.
145
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,126
It istrees.
146
00:04:36,169 --> 00:04:39,172
-This is just so ridiculous.
-Don't mansplain to me.
147
00:04:39,216 --> 00:04:41,436
148
00:04:41,479 --> 00:04:43,002
My insulin
was in there.
149
00:04:43,046 --> 00:04:44,700
You have more pens,
right?
150
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,354
Yeah, they'll last me
till tomorrow.
151
00:04:46,397 --> 00:04:47,833
Do you have money
for more?
152
00:04:47,877 --> 00:04:50,401
I have a gift card to CB2.
153
00:04:50,445 --> 00:04:51,663
Okay, well don't worry.
154
00:04:51,707 --> 00:04:53,230
We'll find some cash.
I promise.
155
00:04:53,274 --> 00:04:54,884
You should use that gift card,
though.
156
00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:56,189
Don't you need
a new pouf?
157
00:04:56,233 --> 00:04:57,539
Stick: Yeah, I do,
but priorities.
158
00:04:57,582 --> 00:05:01,412
159
00:05:01,456 --> 00:05:02,718
Hey.
Ugh.
160
00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,328
Lee.
No.
161
00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:06,809
Lee, Lee, Lee,
Lee, Lee.
What?
162
00:05:06,852 --> 00:05:09,420
Hey, what if we brought in
more money here?Oh, my God.
163
00:05:09,464 --> 00:05:11,248
You're killing it
with the ideas today.
164
00:05:11,292 --> 00:05:13,032
Why don't you suggest
that Maggie be
165
00:05:13,076 --> 00:05:14,686
in one of those
Spielberg pictures?
166
00:05:14,730 --> 00:05:16,601
I'm just saying
that people need stuff.
167
00:05:16,645 --> 00:05:18,037
And I could help.
168
00:05:18,081 --> 00:05:19,300
I love being a pub wench,
169
00:05:19,343 --> 00:05:20,866
but I'm capable
of doing more.
170
00:05:20,910 --> 00:05:22,433
Can you fix things?
171
00:05:22,477 --> 00:05:25,784
I once unstuck the button
on my key fob.
172
00:05:25,828 --> 00:05:27,699
Well, until you graduate
to appliances,
173
00:05:27,743 --> 00:05:29,179
you are of no use to me.
174
00:05:29,222 --> 00:05:30,920
But what if I found a way
to make the money
175
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:32,443
to hire the guy
to fix the things
176
00:05:32,487 --> 00:05:34,227
so that we can keep
the non-permitted bonfire?
177
00:05:34,271 --> 00:05:36,099
Yeah, you do that,
178
00:05:36,142 --> 00:05:37,492
you can name any job
you want.
179
00:05:37,535 --> 00:05:38,710
Really?
Really.
180
00:05:38,754 --> 00:05:40,625
Now leave me alone.
181
00:05:40,669 --> 00:05:42,279
Huh.
182
00:05:42,323 --> 00:05:47,328
183
00:05:47,371 --> 00:05:49,460
This was all
that was salvageable.
184
00:05:49,504 --> 00:05:51,723
We can coat the olives
in crushed cereal,
185
00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:53,116
dip it in the fish sauce,
186
00:05:53,159 --> 00:05:55,074
and pretend
we're on a cooking show
187
00:05:55,118 --> 00:05:56,598
with unqualified
judges.
188
00:05:56,641 --> 00:05:59,296
Or we can eat these
all separately
189
00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:01,037
and do dinner in town.
190
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:02,386
Tomorrow.
191
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:03,909
My treat.
192
00:06:03,953 --> 00:06:05,650
Is it a date?
193
00:06:05,694 --> 00:06:08,131
Maybe.
194
00:06:08,174 --> 00:06:09,872
And will this be
cocktail attire?
195
00:06:09,915 --> 00:06:11,395
Business casual?
196
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,963
Oh, it's "Dollar Dozen" wings
at Nick's.
197
00:06:14,006 --> 00:06:15,617
You can literally
go naked.
198
00:06:15,660 --> 00:06:16,574
Noted.
199
00:06:18,576 --> 00:06:20,404
Delilah:
Did someone say "wings"?
I love 'em!
200
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:21,753
By themselves,
with the wind beneath them --
201
00:06:21,797 --> 00:06:23,102
Nope.
Dudes only.
202
00:06:23,146 --> 00:06:24,713
Oh, come on.
I'll pick up the tip.
203
00:06:24,756 --> 00:06:26,410
It's 12 wings
for a dollar.
204
00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:27,846
You're offering us
dimes.
205
00:06:27,890 --> 00:06:29,892
Delilah, I love you,
206
00:06:29,935 --> 00:06:31,894
but if you show up,
I will shoot you on sight.
207
00:06:33,243 --> 00:06:34,549
So definitely a "no,"
then?
208
00:06:34,592 --> 00:06:35,854
It's a date!
209
00:06:35,898 --> 00:06:37,769
It -- It's a date.
210
00:06:37,813 --> 00:06:48,345
211
00:06:48,389 --> 00:06:50,565
Well, fortunately,
there's, like, a million ways
212
00:06:50,608 --> 00:06:51,740
to make a side hustle.
213
00:06:51,783 --> 00:06:52,915
We could Airbnb my RV,
214
00:06:52,958 --> 00:06:54,917
tutor kids in High German.
215
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,702
Or we could walk dogs,
podcast.
216
00:06:57,746 --> 00:06:58,834
Oh! Here we go.
217
00:06:58,877 --> 00:06:59,878
We could donate sperm.
218
00:06:59,922 --> 00:07:01,445
I can't.
219
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:02,968
Oh, that's right --
diabetic.
220
00:07:03,012 --> 00:07:05,449
Uh, we prefer
"person with diabetes."
221
00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:06,407
That's the same thing.
222
00:07:06,450 --> 00:07:07,408
It's not even close.
223
00:07:07,451 --> 00:07:08,757
Okay, my bad.
224
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:09,888
I can do it
for both of us.
225
00:07:09,932 --> 00:07:11,760
Yeah, um...
226
00:07:11,803 --> 00:07:14,458
"Must have 48 to 72 hours
of abstinence
227
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:15,851
before first donation."
228
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,330
Why?
229
00:07:17,374 --> 00:07:18,375
To make sure
you have enough swimmers.
230
00:07:18,419 --> 00:07:19,507
How can you hear us?
231
00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:21,378
Oh!
232
00:07:21,422 --> 00:07:22,814
There's no music
in here.
233
00:07:22,858 --> 00:07:24,337
I wear these
so I can eavesdrop
234
00:07:24,381 --> 00:07:25,861
but still have a shield
against talkers.
235
00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:27,471
You know,
old ladies on a plane,
236
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:29,125
or that new
steak-on-a-stick girl.
237
00:07:29,168 --> 00:07:30,953
Ugh, we get it!
You're in witness protection.
238
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:34,260
So, sperm?
239
00:07:34,304 --> 00:07:35,479
Why not just give blood?
240
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:38,221
Um, it hurts.
[ Snorts ]
241
00:07:38,264 --> 00:07:40,528
Uh, why do you have a fatwa
against donating sperm?I don't.
242
00:07:40,571 --> 00:07:42,399
I think it's awesome
to help create families.
243
00:07:42,443 --> 00:07:44,096
But aren't you worried that
244
00:07:44,140 --> 00:07:45,358
your kid's gonna turn
up at your doorstep
245
00:07:45,402 --> 00:07:46,925
in, like, 20 years,
and be like,
246
00:07:46,969 --> 00:07:48,971
"Help me, feed me,
pay for college"?Eh.
247
00:07:49,014 --> 00:07:50,494
I don't really picture
the future that way.
248
00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,235
Or at all.
249
00:07:52,278 --> 00:07:54,498
I kind of just
live in the moment.
250
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:56,326
Spoken like a man
who wears cargos.
251
00:07:56,369 --> 00:07:58,763
And that moment
was 1994.
252
00:07:58,807 --> 00:08:00,112
Oh, they're the S.U.V.
of shorts.
253
00:08:00,156 --> 00:08:01,200
Don't be jealous.
254
00:08:01,244 --> 00:08:05,944
255
00:08:05,988 --> 00:08:08,599
Speaking of that future
you plan to ignore,
256
00:08:08,643 --> 00:08:11,036
I've been deep-diving
all morning.
257
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,690
Did you guys know
258
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,562
that we're not the only
Ren Faire in America?
259
00:08:14,605 --> 00:08:16,389
There's like six
in Texas alone.
260
00:08:16,433 --> 00:08:17,739
-[ Scoffs ] Yeah.
-We know.
261
00:08:17,782 --> 00:08:19,392
And there's other places,
too.
262
00:08:19,436 --> 00:08:20,872
They have, like, carnivals,
and theme weekends,
263
00:08:20,916 --> 00:08:23,222
and all kinds of
attractions.
264
00:08:23,266 --> 00:08:24,615
Like "The Dragon Dungeon"?
265
00:08:24,659 --> 00:08:26,443
Or the "Haunted House
of Harlots"?
266
00:08:26,487 --> 00:08:28,010
We know.
267
00:08:28,053 --> 00:08:29,490
We work them
the other half of the year.
268
00:08:29,533 --> 00:08:31,143
So you're aware of
the kind of money
269
00:08:31,187 --> 00:08:32,623
that's to be had?
270
00:08:32,667 --> 00:08:34,233
Why aren't we doing
any of this?
271
00:08:34,277 --> 00:08:35,626
Oh, Maggie doesn't
like it.
272
00:08:35,670 --> 00:08:37,323
Right, Maggie.
273
00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:38,542
Well, we definitely
don't want to remove
274
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,196
that stick from her ass.
275
00:08:40,239 --> 00:08:42,807
The other hundred up there
would be so lonely.
276
00:08:42,851 --> 00:08:44,679
I mean, I kind of agree
with Maggie on this one.
277
00:08:44,722 --> 00:08:46,289
The Royal is special.
It's authentic.
278
00:08:46,332 --> 00:08:47,551
If we just start
bringing in
279
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:48,857
escape rooms
and climbing walls,
280
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:50,554
it's not truthful
to the period.
281
00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:52,295
You're a mudbeggar.
282
00:08:52,338 --> 00:08:54,906
That's not authentic
to the period.
283
00:08:54,950 --> 00:08:56,647
Again, Maggie's the one
you need to worry about.
284
00:08:56,691 --> 00:08:58,083
I'll convince her.
285
00:08:58,127 --> 00:08:59,563
I'll convince you all!
286
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:00,956
287
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,827
Callie: David.
288
00:09:02,871 --> 00:09:04,612
I dropped my diaphragm
down the sink
289
00:09:04,655 --> 00:09:06,222
and now it won't work.
290
00:09:06,265 --> 00:09:07,571
The sink, I mean.
291
00:09:10,139 --> 00:09:12,141
I'm gonna catch up
on my stories.
292
00:09:12,184 --> 00:09:14,317
[ Groans ]
293
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,145
Okay.
294
00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:18,626
295
00:09:18,669 --> 00:09:21,759
Oh! Whoa!
What are you doing?It's a new moon.
296
00:09:21,803 --> 00:09:24,414
We have to do it
before the end of
the waxing phase
297
00:09:24,457 --> 00:09:26,459
in order to harness
her lunar energy.
298
00:09:26,503 --> 00:09:28,592
Okay, will she still be waxing
in 48 to 72 hours?
299
00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:30,028
No.
300
00:09:30,072 --> 00:09:31,421
And I have period cramps.
301
00:09:31,464 --> 00:09:32,944
Right, uh,
well what about the sink?
302
00:09:32,988 --> 00:09:34,206
Oh, okay,
I see what you're doing.
303
00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:35,468
Whoa!
304
00:09:35,512 --> 00:09:37,296
Oh!
305
00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:39,429
Callie:
[ Moaning ] Oh, yeah.
306
00:09:39,472 --> 00:09:41,257
Oh, yeah, baby.
307
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:45,000
I'm cumming!
I'm cumming!
308
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,175
[ Moans ]
309
00:09:46,218 --> 00:09:47,263
Me as well!
310
00:09:47,306 --> 00:09:49,265
Ohh!
311
00:09:49,308 --> 00:09:50,440
[ Exhales sharply ]
312
00:09:50,483 --> 00:09:52,050
Oh.
313
00:09:52,094 --> 00:09:54,009
[ Exhales sharply ]
314
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,880
Oh.
315
00:09:55,924 --> 00:09:58,100
Are you doing tantra?
316
00:09:58,143 --> 00:09:59,144
Huh?
317
00:09:59,188 --> 00:10:01,320
No. Why?
318
00:10:01,364 --> 00:10:03,148
Uh, because
you didn't orgasm.
319
00:10:03,192 --> 00:10:04,715
Yes, I did.
320
00:10:04,759 --> 00:10:06,108
I know your face,
David.
321
00:10:06,151 --> 00:10:07,849
It does a "thing"
when you release.
322
00:10:07,892 --> 00:10:10,329
Okay.
323
00:10:10,373 --> 00:10:12,157
I was saving my sperm
to donate for Stick
324
00:10:12,201 --> 00:10:14,072
so he can get insulin meds
so he won't die,
325
00:10:14,116 --> 00:10:16,161
and it would've been easier
to say that up front,
326
00:10:16,205 --> 00:10:17,598
but it seems like
a long story.
327
00:10:17,641 --> 00:10:19,077
It is.
Wait, hold on.
328
00:10:19,121 --> 00:10:20,426
What do you mean
my face does a "thing"?
329
00:10:20,470 --> 00:10:22,646
Like, a smile?
330
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:23,908
I'll show you.
331
00:10:23,952 --> 00:10:25,344
Wha--
No, I told you
332
00:10:25,388 --> 00:10:26,824
I never want to watch
that video again!
333
00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:28,652
You said
you were gonna erase it!
334
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:31,742
I was,
but then I didn't.
335
00:10:31,786 --> 00:10:33,048
No, no, no!Callie: [ Moaning]
336
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,658
No, Cal-- Callie!
337
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:37,443
[ Both moaning]
338
00:10:37,487 --> 00:10:41,360
David:
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohh!
339
00:10:41,404 --> 00:10:42,623
Ohh!!
340
00:10:42,666 --> 00:10:46,844
No.
341
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:53,895
O0 C1AThere are zip lines,e,
water orbs, petting zoos.
342
00:10:53,938 --> 00:10:56,593
Each and every one of these
has their own separate fee.
343
00:10:56,637 --> 00:10:58,334
And that's not even counting
344
00:10:58,377 --> 00:11:00,684
the extra tickets
that we could sell
345
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,207
if we had a theme weekend.
346
00:11:02,251 --> 00:11:03,687
[ Chuckles ]
347
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,254
"Come as Ye Are!"
348
00:11:05,297 --> 00:11:06,777
People can dress up
349
00:11:06,821 --> 00:11:09,258
as sci-fi characters,
or monsters,
350
00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:11,652
or, you know,
whatever they want.
351
00:11:11,695 --> 00:11:13,218
Wait, so where does
the money go?
352
00:11:13,262 --> 00:11:15,394
I am glad you asked,
miss.
353
00:11:15,438 --> 00:11:17,483
Every attraction or ride
354
00:11:17,527 --> 00:11:20,225
would give
25% of its profits
355
00:11:20,269 --> 00:11:22,097
back to the faire.
356
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,099
We could pump that money
directly back to us
357
00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:27,450
for maintenance,
employee benefits.
358
00:11:27,493 --> 00:11:29,757
We could maybe even get
health insurance.
359
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,759
[ All murmuring ]
360
00:11:31,802 --> 00:11:33,717
If we did a theme weekend,
I could sell my pirate flagons.
361
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,501
And I have a bunch of merch
from "That's So Raven,"
362
00:11:35,545 --> 00:11:36,807
signed by Raven.
363
00:11:36,851 --> 00:11:38,896
Amanda:
Random, but so cool!
364
00:11:38,940 --> 00:11:40,898
Of course,
365
00:11:40,942 --> 00:11:43,248
we would keep the integrity
of the Royal
366
00:11:43,292 --> 00:11:46,338
with all of its prestige
and pageantry.
367
00:11:46,382 --> 00:11:48,123
So le pièce de résistance...
368
00:11:49,690 --> 00:11:51,213
[ All groaning, chuckling ]
369
00:11:51,256 --> 00:11:52,388
Not this.
Delilah: Oh!
370
00:11:52,431 --> 00:11:54,738
That's not --I was doodling.
371
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,784
A cosplay contest!
372
00:11:56,827 --> 00:12:00,439
Hosted by our very own dear
Queen Elizabeth.
373
00:12:00,483 --> 00:12:02,615
[ All gasp ]
374
00:12:02,659 --> 00:12:04,269
No.
375
00:12:04,313 --> 00:12:05,749
You heard her.
Show's over.
376
00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:07,272
Amanda: Wait, what?
377
00:12:07,316 --> 00:12:09,405
I want to know why.
378
00:12:09,448 --> 00:12:11,450
I am not judging some
tacky Halloween competition,
379
00:12:11,494 --> 00:12:13,191
nor am I participating
in a theme weekend!
380
00:12:13,235 --> 00:12:14,758
If I wanted to see
381
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,151
a bunch of half-naked idiots
eating meat pies,
382
00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:17,848
I would attend Natasha's
next potluck orgy.
383
00:12:17,892 --> 00:12:19,937
It's on Tuesday, FYI.
384
00:12:19,981 --> 00:12:21,983
I agree with Maggie.What a surprise.
385
00:12:22,026 --> 00:12:23,593
It's inauthentic.
386
00:12:23,636 --> 00:12:25,900
And she and I are doing
a new bit this weekend
387
00:12:25,943 --> 00:12:27,989
on the Shakespeare
apocrypha.
Mm.
388
00:12:28,032 --> 00:12:32,384
My soliloquy in
"Arden of Faversham"...
389
00:12:32,428 --> 00:12:33,516
I can't talk about it.
390
00:12:34,865 --> 00:12:35,866
Okay, so...
391
00:12:37,650 --> 00:12:38,826
...why don't
we have a vote?
392
00:12:38,869 --> 00:12:41,132
[ All murmuring ]
393
00:12:41,176 --> 00:12:42,612
Oh, yeah,
394
00:12:42,655 --> 00:12:43,831
you're still new here,
dear.
395
00:12:43,874 --> 00:12:45,789
This is a monarchy.
396
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:48,705
Not on weekdays.
397
00:12:48,749 --> 00:12:51,316
[ All gasp ]
398
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:55,364
All in favor
of trying something new...
399
00:12:55,407 --> 00:13:04,590
400
00:13:04,634 --> 00:13:06,549
Yeah.
401
00:13:06,592 --> 00:13:17,908
402
00:13:17,952 --> 00:13:20,171
The people have spoken.
403
00:13:20,215 --> 00:13:26,482
404
00:13:31,792 --> 00:13:33,837
Erin: Oh, my God,
I love zip lines!
405
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:35,534
Remember the one
in Costa Rica?
406
00:13:35,578 --> 00:13:36,666
I heard
someone died on it
407
00:13:36,709 --> 00:13:38,059
the month
after we were there,
408
00:13:38,102 --> 00:13:39,103
but still,
how much fun did we have?
409
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,847
Shabbat Shalom to you, too,
bitch.
410
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:45,457
You would never believe
the traffic,
411
00:13:45,501 --> 00:13:46,850
and then
my GPS wasn't working,
412
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:48,069
so I had to use the Wi-Fi.
413
00:13:48,112 --> 00:13:49,984
What the hell
are you doing here?
414
00:13:50,027 --> 00:13:51,463
I know things got a little dicey
back at home --
Dicey?
415
00:13:51,507 --> 00:13:53,117
You guys were practically
one step away
416
00:13:53,161 --> 00:13:54,684
from putting me
in a padded cell.
417
00:13:54,727 --> 00:13:56,425
Well, textured walls
are in right now.
418
00:13:56,468 --> 00:13:57,905
[ Scoffs ]
I'm sorry,
but technically,
419
00:13:57,948 --> 00:13:59,558
the intervention
was Mom's idea...
420
00:13:59,602 --> 00:14:00,864
Oh....and it didn't work.
421
00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:02,387
Frankly, you inspired me.
422
00:14:02,431 --> 00:14:03,867
To do what?To come here.
423
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:05,216
All you could do
is talk about
424
00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:06,739
how happy this place is.
425
00:14:06,783 --> 00:14:08,219
I figured I'd get in
on some of the action.
426
00:14:08,263 --> 00:14:10,831
Well, a little notice
would've been appreciated.
427
00:14:10,874 --> 00:14:12,180
I wanted to surprise you.
428
00:14:12,223 --> 00:14:13,311
And Joel's frat brother
429
00:14:13,355 --> 00:14:14,835
came to town
with his two sons,
430
00:14:14,878 --> 00:14:16,445
so there was a lot of
extra penis in my house.
431
00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:17,750
It's good to see you,
really.
432
00:14:17,794 --> 00:14:18,839
I just have a lot going on
right now.
433
00:14:18,882 --> 00:14:20,579
I'll stay
out of your hair.
434
00:14:20,623 --> 00:14:22,625
I brought my vape pen
and the new Gillian Flynn
435
00:14:22,668 --> 00:14:24,583
about a girl on a trolley
who witnesses a murder.
436
00:14:24,627 --> 00:14:25,715
Or did she?
437
00:14:25,758 --> 00:14:28,370
Yeah. That's...
438
00:14:28,413 --> 00:14:30,067
That's a cute face,
right?
439
00:14:31,068 --> 00:14:32,330
We're in here.
440
00:14:32,374 --> 00:14:33,418
Here?
Yeah.
441
00:14:33,462 --> 00:14:34,419
Oh.
442
00:14:34,463 --> 00:14:35,681
David: Guys.
443
00:14:35,725 --> 00:14:38,554
I need you to be honest.
444
00:14:38,597 --> 00:14:39,772
What does this look like
to you?
445
00:14:39,816 --> 00:14:42,253
[ Both moaning]
446
00:14:42,297 --> 00:14:44,429
A man
in his death throes.
447
00:14:44,473 --> 00:14:45,604
A PSA for bath salts?
448
00:14:45,648 --> 00:14:47,737
Is my face
really that bad?
449
00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:49,347
Well, not if you're
trying to look like
450
00:14:49,391 --> 00:14:51,262
the kid from "The Shining"
when he saw those dead twins.
451
00:14:51,306 --> 00:14:52,960
"Come with us.
452
00:14:53,003 --> 00:14:54,700
Come with us, David."Nice. Nice.
453
00:14:54,744 --> 00:14:55,832
Yes, I get it.
I'm a frightened child.
454
00:14:55,876 --> 00:14:56,833
Yeah, that's your face.
455
00:14:56,877 --> 00:14:58,095
Maybe we should see it
456
00:14:58,139 --> 00:14:59,705
from another angle.
457
00:14:59,749 --> 00:15:01,446
Perhaps one that showcases
Callie's breasts?
458
00:15:01,490 --> 00:15:02,534
No.
Ah.
459
00:15:02,578 --> 00:15:04,101
And you're awfully horny
460
00:15:04,145 --> 00:15:05,624
for an insulin-less person
with diabetes.
461
00:15:05,668 --> 00:15:08,279
Oh, I've already
asked the Friar for a loan,
462
00:15:08,323 --> 00:15:10,542
and the pharmacy's filling
my prescription today.
463
00:15:10,586 --> 00:15:11,848
Uh-huh, I'm glad that
your crisis is solved.
464
00:15:11,892 --> 00:15:13,023
Mm-hmm.
[ Laughs ]
465
00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:14,372
Okay.
466
00:15:14,416 --> 00:15:15,721
Well, what do your faces
look like?
467
00:15:16,679 --> 00:15:17,898
[ Grunts ]
468
00:15:17,941 --> 00:15:20,117
Uh...
469
00:15:21,205 --> 00:15:22,467
Aah.
470
00:15:22,511 --> 00:15:23,686
Neither of them
are accurate.
471
00:15:23,729 --> 00:15:25,427
And how do you know?
472
00:15:25,470 --> 00:15:26,602
Because Callie
revealed to me
473
00:15:26,645 --> 00:15:27,864
that we have all been living
474
00:15:27,908 --> 00:15:30,432
in some kind of
O-face fantasy.
475
00:15:30,475 --> 00:15:32,651
I've never technically
seen mine.
Same.
476
00:15:32,695 --> 00:15:34,653
I'm usually focused on
my partner.
477
00:15:34,697 --> 00:15:36,873
I mean, is there anything
more beautiful
478
00:15:36,917 --> 00:15:38,962
than a woman's face
experiencing pleasure?
479
00:15:41,225 --> 00:15:42,879
You've noticed, right?
480
00:15:42,923 --> 00:15:43,924
Yes.All the time.
481
00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:45,403
Mm-hmm.
482
00:15:45,447 --> 00:15:47,057
We have to do something
about this,
483
00:15:47,101 --> 00:15:48,667
otherwise we're just
going out there
484
00:15:48,711 --> 00:15:49,712
scarring women's retinas.
485
00:15:50,756 --> 00:15:52,149
All right.
486
00:15:52,193 --> 00:15:54,586
Well, it may take me a while
to get going,
487
00:15:54,630 --> 00:15:56,501
but if one of you could talk
like Helen Mirren,
488
00:15:56,545 --> 00:15:58,373
that'd speed things up.Whoa!
489
00:15:58,416 --> 00:15:59,896
No, no, no, no, no, no.No, no, no, no, no, no.
490
00:15:59,940 --> 00:16:02,072
Put that away now.
Please.
491
00:16:02,116 --> 00:16:05,162
I want feedback!Unh-unh.
492
00:16:05,206 --> 00:16:06,598
Then we should
film ourselves
493
00:16:06,642 --> 00:16:08,209
in the privacy
of our own homes and yurts
494
00:16:08,252 --> 00:16:10,037
and report back here
for constructive criticism.
495
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,081
Yes?
496
00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:12,300
Yes.
Fine.
497
00:16:16,782 --> 00:16:18,871
O0 C1[ Indistinct conversations ]
498
00:16:18,915 --> 00:16:23,876
499
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,356
No, I'm sorry I said that.
Wow.
500
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,879
-I'm just saying, you know?
-Lovely.
501
00:16:26,923 --> 00:16:28,098
Hey.Juan Andrés: Hi.
502
00:16:28,142 --> 00:16:29,970
I told you
this was date night.
503
00:16:30,013 --> 00:16:31,493
Oh, yeah,
and I totally respected that,
504
00:16:31,536 --> 00:16:32,320
but then I told Natasha
it was Dollar Dozen wings,
505
00:16:32,363 --> 00:16:33,625
and she invited me,
506
00:16:33,669 --> 00:16:35,149
and I didn't want
to be rude.
507
00:16:35,192 --> 00:16:37,281
This is my best life.
508
00:16:37,325 --> 00:16:38,717
Okay.
509
00:16:38,761 --> 00:16:39,892
MC: Hello, hello!
510
00:16:39,936 --> 00:16:41,982
Welcome to "Bare Your Soul."
511
00:16:42,025 --> 00:16:43,548
[ Cheers and applause ]You guys know the drill.
512
00:16:43,592 --> 00:16:45,246
Come up, share.
513
00:16:45,289 --> 00:16:47,030
Please keep nudity
to your bottom half.
514
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,119
[ Light laughter ]Uh, First up, Delilah.
515
00:16:49,163 --> 00:16:50,729
Oh, my God!Delilah,
oh, there she is.
516
00:16:50,773 --> 00:16:53,341
Over here!
Delilah!
517
00:16:53,384 --> 00:16:55,082
D! Whoa!
518
00:16:57,127 --> 00:17:01,914
Growing up,
I had a lot of struggles.
519
00:17:01,958 --> 00:17:06,397
And when I needed
to feel better,
520
00:17:06,441 --> 00:17:10,401
this song lifted me up.
521
00:17:10,445 --> 00:17:12,534
It was my safe space.
522
00:17:12,577 --> 00:17:16,929
Thank you for letting me
share it with you.
523
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,459
Informer
524
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,069
Ya no say daddy me
525
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,593
Snow me gon' blame
526
00:17:28,637 --> 00:17:31,509
A licky boom boom down
527
00:17:31,553 --> 00:17:34,425
'Tective man, he say,
say daddy me
528
00:17:34,469 --> 00:17:37,733
Snow me, stab someone
down the lane
529
00:17:37,776 --> 00:17:40,997
A licky boom boom down
530
00:17:41,041 --> 00:17:43,434
Informer
531
00:17:43,478 --> 00:17:45,088
Ya no say daddy me
532
00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:47,960
Snow me gon' blame
533
00:17:48,004 --> 00:17:50,615
A licky boom boom down This is the second time
you've done that.
534
00:17:50,659 --> 00:17:52,704
What? 'Tective man
535
00:17:52,748 --> 00:17:54,663
He say, say daddy me Pulled away from me.
Are my hands sweaty?
536
00:17:54,706 --> 00:17:55,925
Snow me,
stab someone down the lane I'm Latino,
537
00:17:55,968 --> 00:17:57,535
so a slick sheen
is as good as it gets.
538
00:17:57,579 --> 00:17:59,102
A licky boom boom down Your hands are fine.
539
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,843
I don't like PDA.
540
00:18:00,886 --> 00:18:02,758
Police-ah them-ah
they come and-ah
541
00:18:02,801 --> 00:18:04,151
They blow down me door Is this, like,
a gay thing?
542
00:18:04,194 --> 00:18:05,804
No!
543
00:18:05,848 --> 00:18:07,067
One-ee come crawl troo,
troo my window
544
00:18:07,110 --> 00:18:10,157
It's about decency
and respect.
545
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,681
So dey put me
in de back de car Some things should be done
in private.
546
00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:14,422
At de station Unless you want to be like
Natasha and The Fluffers.
547
00:18:14,465 --> 00:18:16,119
From that point on Ugh!
548
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,252
I reach the destination Disgusting.
549
00:18:18,295 --> 00:18:20,123
You're being weird.
They're actually normal --Can we drop it?
550
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,125
She's about to mess up
the high note.
551
00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:24,736
Where they ripped down
me pants
552
00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:29,393
Looked up me bottom
553
00:18:29,437 --> 00:18:31,265
Well, she hit it.
554
00:18:31,308 --> 00:18:33,832
Thank God for you.
555
00:18:33,876 --> 00:18:35,965
[ Cheers and applause ]
556
00:18:36,008 --> 00:18:37,880
MC: Wow, Delilah!
557
00:18:37,923 --> 00:18:39,055
Painting a picture.Whoa! Ow!
558
00:18:39,099 --> 00:18:40,883
You guys ready
for more show?
559
00:18:40,926 --> 00:18:42,754
[ Cheers and applause ]Okay.
560
00:18:42,798 --> 00:18:44,626
561
00:18:44,669 --> 00:18:46,018
We're happy to have you.
562
00:18:46,062 --> 00:18:48,151
Welcome to our abode.
563
00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:50,414
I'll be back tomorrow.
564
00:18:50,458 --> 00:18:53,417
A bunch of us are gonna bury
the rotten food from the fridge
565
00:18:53,461 --> 00:18:55,506
and see how long it takes
to start a fart-fire.
566
00:18:58,944 --> 00:19:01,773
Hmm. Odd child.
567
00:19:01,817 --> 00:19:03,253
Sweet, though.
568
00:19:03,297 --> 00:19:04,950
Usually, when my kids
take their leave,
569
00:19:04,994 --> 00:19:06,169
it's by force,
570
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:07,388
and it ends
with one of them
571
00:19:07,431 --> 00:19:08,258
hurling an iPhone
at my face.
572
00:19:09,825 --> 00:19:11,087
What's up with you?
573
00:19:11,131 --> 00:19:12,567
It's rotten food.
He's a kid.
574
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,569
He shouldn't have to deal
with that kind of stuff.
575
00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:15,700
Doesn't seem like
he cared.
576
00:19:15,744 --> 00:19:17,267
The adults do.
577
00:19:17,311 --> 00:19:19,051
And I promised them money
and security and --
578
00:19:19,095 --> 00:19:21,184
Oh, my God,
health insurance.
579
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:23,230
What if I can't deliver?
What was I thinking?
580
00:19:23,273 --> 00:19:24,883
You'll be fine.
581
00:19:24,927 --> 00:19:26,668
You pulled your wedding together
and it was gorgeous.
582
00:19:26,711 --> 00:19:29,323
Well, at least
it would've been.Well, that's just it.
583
00:19:29,366 --> 00:19:30,889
The stakes are way higher
584
00:19:30,933 --> 00:19:32,413
than me and Brett
getting liked on Instagram.
585
00:19:32,456 --> 00:19:33,718
These are people's lives.
586
00:19:33,762 --> 00:19:34,893
I feel like
I gave them hope.
587
00:19:34,937 --> 00:19:35,981
Hello?
588
00:19:36,025 --> 00:19:37,374
Obama '08?
589
00:19:37,418 --> 00:19:38,419
Hope is a good thing.
590
00:19:38,462 --> 00:19:39,985
If people
are grasping for it,
591
00:19:40,029 --> 00:19:41,683
it's usually
because they need it.
592
00:19:41,726 --> 00:19:42,988
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
593
00:19:43,032 --> 00:19:45,034
I'm sorry.
594
00:19:45,077 --> 00:19:46,253
And I'm double sorry
that I don't have time
595
00:19:46,296 --> 00:19:47,689
to be a tour guide
during your visit.
596
00:19:47,732 --> 00:19:48,646
[ Exhales sharply ]
597
00:19:48,690 --> 00:19:50,344
It's fine.
598
00:19:50,387 --> 00:19:51,562
I'll wander around,
599
00:19:51,606 --> 00:19:52,824
find some second-tier fun.
600
00:19:52,868 --> 00:19:54,652
What do you mean?
601
00:19:54,696 --> 00:19:56,698
You know, first-tier
is fun while it's happening
602
00:19:56,741 --> 00:19:58,265
and you remember it that way,
too.
603
00:19:58,308 --> 00:20:00,876
Second-tier fun
is like this.
604
00:20:00,919 --> 00:20:03,618
Crappy in the moment,
but good for stories later.
605
00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:06,055
Okay, the faire
is first-tier fun.
606
00:20:06,098 --> 00:20:07,665
Trust me.
607
00:20:07,709 --> 00:20:09,406
Now gimme.
I have a big day tomorrow.
608
00:20:09,450 --> 00:20:10,625
Well, take it easy.
609
00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:12,235
Last time
you got "the fear"
610
00:20:12,279 --> 00:20:13,193
and thought the maid
was trying to kill you, so...
611
00:20:17,632 --> 00:20:19,503
I've developed
a tolerance.
612
00:20:19,547 --> 00:20:23,725
The beauty of dolphin
in the deep blue sea.
613
00:20:23,768 --> 00:20:25,161
He's you.
614
00:20:25,205 --> 00:20:26,467
He's her.
615
00:20:26,510 --> 00:20:28,077
He's they.
616
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,601
He's me!!!
617
00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:33,822
Natasha: Wow.
618
00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:39,828
[ Applause ]
619
00:20:39,871 --> 00:20:42,831
Okay, thank you, Helen,
for that, uh...
620
00:20:42,874 --> 00:20:44,267
terrifying twist.
621
00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:46,661
Okay, up next,
622
00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:48,924
the artist formerly known as
"Faire Bear."
623
00:20:48,967 --> 00:20:50,447
Mm.Faire Bear.
624
00:20:50,491 --> 00:20:52,014
There he is.
625
00:20:52,057 --> 00:20:55,844
[ Cheers and applause ]
626
00:20:55,887 --> 00:20:57,976
Juan Andrés:
Thank you, Nick Jr.
627
00:20:58,020 --> 00:21:00,805
Uh, so, coffee table books,
am I right?
628
00:21:00,849 --> 00:21:02,372
[ Laughter ]
629
00:21:02,416 --> 00:21:03,982
When I drink "coffee,"
630
00:21:04,026 --> 00:21:06,071
I got to put a coaster
down on the "book,"
631
00:21:06,115 --> 00:21:07,551
which I never "read."
632
00:21:07,595 --> 00:21:09,336
So, yeah...
633
00:21:09,379 --> 00:21:11,033
[ Laughter ]
634
00:21:11,076 --> 00:21:13,165
Ugh.[ Laughs lightly ]
635
00:21:13,209 --> 00:21:16,908
My Juan Andrés,
or One Andrayas,
636
00:21:16,952 --> 00:21:20,390
and my date tonight
637
00:21:20,434 --> 00:21:22,436
doesn't want
to hold my hand.
638
00:21:22,479 --> 00:21:24,481
-What?!
-Oh, come on.
639
00:21:24,525 --> 00:21:26,440
[ Audience groans, boos ]
640
00:21:26,483 --> 00:21:28,355
Juan Andrés: It's okay.
641
00:21:28,398 --> 00:21:30,139
Rejection grows hair
on your chest,
642
00:21:30,182 --> 00:21:32,315
which I clearly need.
643
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:33,447
[ Audience screams ]
644
00:21:33,490 --> 00:21:35,884
Hold his hand!
645
00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:38,713
[ Audience chants
"hold his hand!" ]
646
00:21:49,637 --> 00:21:52,335
[ Cheers and applause ]
647
00:21:52,379 --> 00:21:55,164
Woman: Oh, cute.
648
00:21:55,207 --> 00:21:57,340
Juan Andrés: Oh, wow.
649
00:21:57,384 --> 00:21:59,864
So, uh, potted plants,
am I right?
650
00:21:59,908 --> 00:22:02,214
[ Laughter ]Like...What do we have?
651
00:22:02,258 --> 00:22:05,043
Lilies, we have daisies,
ferns.
652
00:22:05,087 --> 00:22:06,610
I mean, what are those?
653
00:22:06,654 --> 00:22:08,612
Are those real plants,
or are those my ex-wives?
654
00:22:08,656 --> 00:22:09,831
[ Laughter ]
655
00:22:13,051 --> 00:22:20,624
656
00:22:20,668 --> 00:22:22,757
Tig Mattucci: We could start
at Vegetable Fury
657
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,454
and then
hit the Mud Show.
658
00:22:24,498 --> 00:22:26,369
Or we could get drunk
at the joust.
659
00:22:26,413 --> 00:22:28,589
I don't care what we do,
660
00:22:28,632 --> 00:22:30,678
as long as I get
to courtly dance.
661
00:22:30,721 --> 00:22:41,819
662
00:22:41,863 --> 00:22:43,517
Dana Min Goodman:
Two, three.
663
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,388
-Whee!
-Whee!
664
00:22:45,432 --> 00:22:47,738
I'm a gorgeous
older woman!
665
00:22:47,782 --> 00:22:50,175
Julia Wolov: Whoo!
666
00:22:50,219 --> 00:22:56,312
667
00:22:56,356 --> 00:22:58,401
Looks good out there.
668
00:22:58,445 --> 00:22:59,837
You think?
669
00:22:59,881 --> 00:23:01,535
Yeah.
670
00:23:01,578 --> 00:23:03,667
I mean, I got catcalled
by a poop emoji.
671
00:23:03,711 --> 00:23:05,365
I don't know if that's normal.
672
00:23:05,408 --> 00:23:07,279
But it seems like
a ton of people
673
00:23:07,323 --> 00:23:08,716
are out here today.
Hm.
674
00:23:08,759 --> 00:23:11,153
Maybe my stupid plan
is working.
675
00:23:11,196 --> 00:23:12,981
Stupidly works that way.
676
00:23:13,024 --> 00:23:15,723
Ee! [Giggles]
677
00:23:15,766 --> 00:23:17,725
Okay. Ooh.
678
00:23:17,768 --> 00:23:18,682
Okay, go.
679
00:23:18,726 --> 00:23:19,901
Play. Laugh. Do.
680
00:23:19,944 --> 00:23:20,945
Oh.
681
00:23:22,773 --> 00:23:24,253
Ah! Ah.
I was looking for you.
682
00:23:24,296 --> 00:23:26,560
Can you point me
to the laser tag cottage?
683
00:23:26,603 --> 00:23:28,475
I'm feeling a little
trigger happy today.
684
00:23:28,518 --> 00:23:30,259
Maggie.
685
00:23:30,302 --> 00:23:31,869
Why aren't you
in your costume?
686
00:23:31,913 --> 00:23:33,480
I am.
687
00:23:33,523 --> 00:23:34,916
We're supposed to be
688
00:23:34,959 --> 00:23:35,960
our favorite movie characters,
right?
689
00:23:36,004 --> 00:23:37,179
I'm the girl
in the rom-com
690
00:23:37,222 --> 00:23:38,615
who wears pants
and a white shirt
691
00:23:38,659 --> 00:23:40,269
because I paint sometimes.
692
00:23:40,312 --> 00:23:41,444
And I'm clumsy.
693
00:23:41,488 --> 00:23:43,141
Ohh-whoops!
[ Laughs ]
694
00:23:43,185 --> 00:23:44,882
Pray, my Queen,
we have a show to do.
695
00:23:44,926 --> 00:23:46,928
The Shakespeare
apocrypha?
696
00:23:46,971 --> 00:23:49,496
We can't cheat the world
of my Cardenio.
697
00:23:49,539 --> 00:23:50,801
Oh, I'm sorry, love.
698
00:23:50,845 --> 00:23:52,586
I didn't raise my hand
at the vote,
699
00:23:52,629 --> 00:23:53,804
so I'm a patron today.
700
00:23:53,848 --> 00:23:55,284
[ Laughs ]
701
00:23:55,327 --> 00:23:57,373
Your new leader
will figure it out.
702
00:23:57,417 --> 00:23:59,680
703
00:23:59,723 --> 00:24:01,899
People are expecting the queen
on stage with me
704
00:24:01,943 --> 00:24:03,858
in one hour.
705
00:24:03,901 --> 00:24:06,382
Tick tock.
706
00:24:06,426 --> 00:24:12,170
707
00:24:12,214 --> 00:24:14,695
[ Breathes deeply ]
708
00:24:14,738 --> 00:24:21,266
709
00:24:21,310 --> 00:24:23,399
Hola.
710
00:24:23,443 --> 00:24:24,444
We should talk.
711
00:24:24,487 --> 00:24:26,184
No need.
712
00:24:26,228 --> 00:24:27,490
I overstepped
your boundary.
713
00:24:27,534 --> 00:24:28,752
It won't happen again.
714
00:24:28,796 --> 00:24:31,276
Oh.
715
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:32,930
Okay.
716
00:24:32,974 --> 00:24:34,149
Thank you.
717
00:24:36,194 --> 00:24:38,762
I wish I could've heard
the end of your set.
718
00:24:38,806 --> 00:24:41,156
I riffed on juice.
719
00:24:41,199 --> 00:24:42,462
It killed.
720
00:24:42,505 --> 00:24:44,289
I'm sure it did.
721
00:24:44,333 --> 00:24:45,769
Come here, you.
722
00:24:45,813 --> 00:24:47,641
Whoa, buddy.
723
00:24:47,684 --> 00:24:50,513
There's people around.
724
00:24:50,557 --> 00:24:52,297
Let's wave it out.
725
00:24:52,341 --> 00:24:56,301
726
00:24:56,345 --> 00:24:57,738
Hm.
727
00:24:57,781 --> 00:24:59,870
Is everyone
proving a point today?
728
00:24:59,914 --> 00:25:07,312
729
00:25:07,356 --> 00:25:09,271
Oh, yeah.
730
00:25:09,314 --> 00:25:11,839
So, right here,
is that --
731
00:25:11,882 --> 00:25:13,275
Mm-hmm.
That's up there.
732
00:25:13,318 --> 00:25:16,278
M'lady!
Good morrow!
733
00:25:16,321 --> 00:25:18,193
Wouldst thou lend me
your ear?
734
00:25:18,236 --> 00:25:19,586
[ Laughs ]
The Queen has gone mad.
735
00:25:19,629 --> 00:25:21,283
Oh, I know she's upset,
736
00:25:21,326 --> 00:25:22,676
but "mad"
is a bit hyperbolic.
737
00:25:22,719 --> 00:25:23,546
Is it?
738
00:25:24,852 --> 00:25:26,549
Whoo! Hoo!
739
00:25:26,593 --> 00:25:28,551
Hey! Whoo! Whoo!
740
00:25:28,595 --> 00:25:30,379
Whoo! Whee!
741
00:25:30,422 --> 00:25:31,946
I was hoping that she would
blow off some steam
742
00:25:31,989 --> 00:25:33,164
and eventually
come to her senses.
743
00:25:33,208 --> 00:25:34,601
We don't have time
for that.
744
00:25:34,644 --> 00:25:35,993
Are you too busy clicking
you haven't noticed?
745
00:25:36,037 --> 00:25:37,734
Her people are rebelling
in her absence!
746
00:25:37,778 --> 00:25:39,562
Oh.
Ew.
747
00:25:39,606 --> 00:25:42,173
I should fill in for her.No, I should!
748
00:25:42,217 --> 00:25:43,958
I've studied all of
Her Majesty's phrasings.
749
00:25:44,001 --> 00:25:45,786
You know what,
eat a dick, Debbie.
750
00:25:45,829 --> 00:25:47,265
Eat a dick?
I shan't do that.
751
00:25:47,309 --> 00:25:48,919
[ Laughs ]
Really?
752
00:25:48,963 --> 00:25:50,747
'Cause that's not what I heard
you did last night.
753
00:25:50,791 --> 00:25:52,444
Oh, what's up?Oh, oh!
754
00:25:52,488 --> 00:25:53,837
[ Scoffs ]
755
00:25:53,881 --> 00:25:55,883
Only a royal pardon
from the Queen
756
00:25:55,926 --> 00:25:57,928
can save you now.
757
00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:04,152
Guess not.
758
00:26:04,195 --> 00:26:05,370
Man: Ow!
759
00:26:05,414 --> 00:26:06,502
[ Audience gasps ]
760
00:26:06,546 --> 00:26:08,417
Ah.
Yeah.
761
00:26:08,460 --> 00:26:09,810
Okay.
762
00:26:09,853 --> 00:26:11,681
Let's keep this from Lee
763
00:26:11,725 --> 00:26:13,248
until I figure out
what I'm gonna do.
764
00:26:13,291 --> 00:26:14,423
He's probably cooped up
765
00:26:14,466 --> 00:26:15,859
in his office
or something anyway.
766
00:26:15,903 --> 00:26:17,469
Yeah.
767
00:26:19,384 --> 00:26:20,821
Did you tell him?Of course not.
768
00:26:20,864 --> 00:26:22,692
Okay, I may have mentioned it
to Natasha
769
00:26:22,736 --> 00:26:25,129
who told the new
steak-on-a-stick girl
who told Lee,
770
00:26:25,173 --> 00:26:26,783
I think she's looking for
attention, poor thing.
771
00:26:26,827 --> 00:26:28,524
Good luck!
772
00:26:28,568 --> 00:26:29,656
Hello.
773
00:26:29,699 --> 00:26:30,874
Remember how I said
774
00:26:30,918 --> 00:26:32,528
you could name any job
you want?
775
00:26:32,572 --> 00:26:34,008
Well, right now,
I'm torn between
776
00:26:34,051 --> 00:26:35,792
assistant manager
to a port-a-potty cleaner
777
00:26:35,836 --> 00:26:37,098
and fired.
778
00:26:37,141 --> 00:26:38,621
Well,
what am I supposed to do?
779
00:26:38,665 --> 00:26:40,231
Maggie's acting like
a maniac.
780
00:26:40,275 --> 00:26:43,321
Just fix this mess you made
and get our Queen back!
781
00:26:43,365 --> 00:26:52,069
782
00:26:52,113 --> 00:26:53,680
Maggie!
783
00:26:53,723 --> 00:26:56,726
784
00:26:56,770 --> 00:26:58,032
Maggie!
785
00:26:58,075 --> 00:27:04,604
786
00:27:04,647 --> 00:27:11,262
787
00:27:11,306 --> 00:27:13,003
What do you want?
788
00:27:13,047 --> 00:27:14,701
I'm glad to see
you're having fun.
789
00:27:14,744 --> 00:27:16,964
You're doing things
we'll never be able to unsee.
790
00:27:17,007 --> 00:27:20,097
But the people, Maggie,
they're asking for the Queen.
791
00:27:20,141 --> 00:27:21,577
Queen? [ Laughs ]
792
00:27:21,621 --> 00:27:24,101
Which one?
Amidala? Latifah?
793
00:27:24,145 --> 00:27:26,190
I know you're trying
to make a statement,
794
00:27:26,234 --> 00:27:28,628
and I understand --
795
00:27:28,671 --> 00:27:30,020
No, you don't.
796
00:27:30,064 --> 00:27:31,935
You couldn't possibly.
797
00:27:31,979 --> 00:27:34,242
[ Grunts ]
798
00:27:34,285 --> 00:27:37,027
You're upset
because you're coup d'état
799
00:27:37,071 --> 00:27:38,986
turned into a faux paux
800
00:27:39,029 --> 00:27:41,945
which has left you,
je ne sais quois.
801
00:27:41,989 --> 00:27:43,120
Fucked.
802
00:27:43,164 --> 00:27:44,556
That was good.
803
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,124
But I'm not trying
to stage a coup.
804
00:27:47,168 --> 00:27:49,039
I wanted to make money
so that we could help people.
805
00:27:49,083 --> 00:27:52,303
We were all doing fine.You were.
806
00:27:52,347 --> 00:27:54,131
Maybe all that time
in your castle in the sky
807
00:27:54,175 --> 00:27:56,090
has made you out of touch
with your people.
808
00:27:56,133 --> 00:27:57,918
Some of whom are struggling,
Maggie.
809
00:27:57,961 --> 00:27:59,615
They have doctor's bills
and kids.
810
00:27:59,659 --> 00:28:01,704
So this is your charity?
811
00:28:01,748 --> 00:28:03,445
I reject that frame.
812
00:28:03,488 --> 00:28:05,316
I know when a bitch
is trying to deflect.
813
00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:07,579
Lest you forget I am schooled
in reality television.
814
00:28:07,623 --> 00:28:10,800
Then you'll understand
when I say,
815
00:28:10,844 --> 00:28:12,889
"Farewell, Felicia."
816
00:28:12,933 --> 00:28:19,200
817
00:28:23,813 --> 00:28:28,949
Stick: [ Groaning]
818
00:28:28,992 --> 00:28:33,431
[ Exhales sharply]
819
00:28:33,475 --> 00:28:35,433
Namaste.
820
00:28:35,477 --> 00:28:37,131
I don't like the tongue.
821
00:28:37,174 --> 00:28:38,741
It's not my fault.
822
00:28:38,785 --> 00:28:40,308
It doesn't want to stay
in my mouth.
823
00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:41,613
It's weird,
it's like your eyes
824
00:28:41,657 --> 00:28:43,093
are trying to run away
from each other.
825
00:28:43,137 --> 00:28:44,399
Like a hammerhead shark.
826
00:28:44,442 --> 00:28:46,096
Or Brandy.
827
00:28:46,140 --> 00:28:47,663
Hey, remember Brandy?Yeah, what a voice!
828
00:28:47,707 --> 00:28:49,056
Oh, I love her.I don't look like
no Brandy!
829
00:28:49,099 --> 00:28:50,231
You know what, fine!
Let's see yours.
830
00:28:50,274 --> 00:28:51,841
Happily!
831
00:28:51,885 --> 00:28:55,279
I feel very confident
in my work.
832
00:28:55,323 --> 00:28:56,280
Oh! Whoa!
Ugh!
833
00:28:56,324 --> 00:28:57,978
Jesus! Full body?
834
00:28:58,021 --> 00:28:59,849
Yeah, the toes are integral
to the whole experience.
835
00:28:59,893 --> 00:29:01,198
I can tell.
836
00:29:01,242 --> 00:29:02,417
What is it?
837
00:29:02,460 --> 00:29:04,201
More teeth? Less?
838
00:29:04,245 --> 00:29:06,464
It's not really a mouth issue,
it's more like,
839
00:29:06,508 --> 00:29:08,075
"Is this person getting
a full fist
840
00:29:08,118 --> 00:29:09,293
inserted inside of him?"
841
00:29:09,337 --> 00:29:10,686
Did you say "fist"
or "fish"?
842
00:29:10,730 --> 00:29:11,774
Either one!
843
00:29:11,818 --> 00:29:13,471
Well,
I do like a finger.
844
00:29:13,515 --> 00:29:14,690
It's very normal!
845
00:29:14,734 --> 00:29:15,778
Ha, all of a sudden,
846
00:29:15,822 --> 00:29:17,475
my O-face
doesn't seem so bad.
847
00:29:17,519 --> 00:29:18,781
Oh, it is.
848
00:29:18,825 --> 00:29:20,043
Unh-unh,
not as bad as that.
849
00:29:20,087 --> 00:29:21,088
Oh, my God.
850
00:29:21,131 --> 00:29:22,045
Well, let's take a vote.
851
00:29:22,089 --> 00:29:23,394
Be honest, no ego.
852
00:29:23,438 --> 00:29:25,005
Whose is the worst?
853
00:29:25,048 --> 00:29:26,180
Oh!
854
00:29:26,223 --> 00:29:27,224
Mine?Hey.
855
00:29:27,268 --> 00:29:28,182
What?
Come on.
856
00:29:28,225 --> 00:29:30,488
Amanda: Hey!
857
00:29:30,532 --> 00:29:33,361
I am already having a day,
and this is still going on?
858
00:29:33,404 --> 00:29:36,059
I am supposed to do a show
with her in 10 minutes.
859
00:29:36,103 --> 00:29:38,235
The Spice Girls are waiting!What do you want me to do?
860
00:29:38,279 --> 00:29:40,411
Club her on the head
and carry her to stage?
861
00:29:40,455 --> 00:29:41,717
Her bones are hollow.
862
00:29:41,761 --> 00:29:43,066
It's worth a shot.
863
00:29:43,110 --> 00:29:44,764
I tried, okay?
864
00:29:44,807 --> 00:29:47,288
It didn't work.
Nothing worked.
865
00:29:47,331 --> 00:29:49,812
What are you talking about?Today, the whole thing!
866
00:29:49,856 --> 00:29:52,119
I was trying to prove
that I could --
867
00:29:52,162 --> 00:29:53,729
that I could...
868
00:29:53,773 --> 00:29:55,209
thrive here,
869
00:29:55,252 --> 00:29:56,993
but I should've just
left it alone.
870
00:29:57,037 --> 00:29:58,821
Even though, in my defense,
871
00:29:58,865 --> 00:30:00,475
it was impossible
for me to know
872
00:30:00,518 --> 00:30:01,868
how Maggie would react.
873
00:30:01,911 --> 00:30:03,391
You put a person
in a new situation,
874
00:30:03,434 --> 00:30:05,262
there is no telling
what they'll...
875
00:30:08,483 --> 00:30:09,876
Whaaa...?
876
00:30:09,919 --> 00:30:11,878
877
00:30:11,921 --> 00:30:13,488
Erin: Hey.
878
00:30:13,531 --> 00:30:14,445
I would love
a whiskey sour.
879
00:30:14,489 --> 00:30:15,707
Do you have one?
880
00:30:15,751 --> 00:30:18,101
Did you sleep with him?
881
00:30:18,145 --> 00:30:19,711
Um, yes.
882
00:30:19,755 --> 00:30:20,669
And you're ruining
my post-coital glow.
883
00:30:20,712 --> 00:30:22,279
Hi. Erin.
884
00:30:22,323 --> 00:30:24,325
Her sister.
Guess which one is older?
885
00:30:24,368 --> 00:30:26,762
All women look either
18 or 80 to me.
886
00:30:26,806 --> 00:30:28,546
But you're both pretty.Ah, thank you.
887
00:30:28,590 --> 00:30:30,026
What the hell
are you doing?
888
00:30:30,070 --> 00:30:32,637
You told me to go
play, laugh, do.
889
00:30:32,681 --> 00:30:33,856
So I did. It.[ Sighs ]
890
00:30:33,900 --> 00:30:35,336
With him.
891
00:30:35,379 --> 00:30:37,164
Oh, my God,
I'm ruining everything.
892
00:30:37,207 --> 00:30:38,600
The faire, your marriage.
893
00:30:38,643 --> 00:30:40,123
Oh, don't be a victim.
894
00:30:40,167 --> 00:30:41,864
Yeah, not everything
is about you.Exactly.
895
00:30:41,908 --> 00:30:43,648
Your gay friend --
I'm assuming?Correct.
896
00:30:43,692 --> 00:30:45,259
Is in the middle of a crisis.
I'm assuming?
897
00:30:45,302 --> 00:30:46,738
How did you know?Your brows.
898
00:30:46,782 --> 00:30:48,218
They're lovely,
but furrowed.
899
00:30:48,262 --> 00:30:49,611
You got a juicy little
caterpillar up there.
900
00:30:49,654 --> 00:30:50,873
What's going on?
901
00:30:50,917 --> 00:30:52,570
His friend Maggie
won't perform,
902
00:30:52,614 --> 00:30:54,572
so we either have to project
her hologram on the stage
903
00:30:54,616 --> 00:30:56,183
or I'm fired.
904
00:30:56,226 --> 00:30:57,619
Wait, Maggie,
she's the Queen, right?
905
00:30:57,662 --> 00:30:58,968
Thin, flat feet,
looks like she killed a man?
906
00:30:59,012 --> 00:31:00,796
That's the one.
907
00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:02,885
Okay.
Forensics debate, 2005.
908
00:31:02,929 --> 00:31:04,408
I tried out
for the team thinking,
909
00:31:04,452 --> 00:31:06,106
you know, I could meet
a cute guy with glasses,
910
00:31:06,149 --> 00:31:07,890
but they all turned out
to be ugly with glasses.
911
00:31:07,934 --> 00:31:09,152
So I quit.
912
00:31:09,196 --> 00:31:10,719
Until my nemesis
Jenny Doyle joined
913
00:31:10,762 --> 00:31:13,069
and took home a 3rd place
at New Rochelle.
914
00:31:13,113 --> 00:31:15,028
Next thing I know,
I am back on the team,
915
00:31:15,071 --> 00:31:17,073
miserable, but determined
to be better than her
916
00:31:17,117 --> 00:31:18,292
or kill myself trying.
917
00:31:18,335 --> 00:31:20,033
We were bred to win.
918
00:31:20,076 --> 00:31:21,991
I don't know
what you're talking about.
919
00:31:22,035 --> 00:31:23,384
You want your queen back?
920
00:31:23,427 --> 00:31:24,864
Be Jenny Doyle.
921
00:31:24,907 --> 00:31:26,866
922
00:31:26,909 --> 00:31:29,216
Oh, most dear mistress.
923
00:31:29,259 --> 00:31:31,827
The sun will set
before I shall discharge
924
00:31:31,871 --> 00:31:34,090
what I must strive to do.
925
00:31:34,134 --> 00:31:35,570
If you'll sit down,
926
00:31:35,613 --> 00:31:36,788
I'll bear your logs
the while.
927
00:31:36,832 --> 00:31:38,094
Pray, give me that.
928
00:31:38,138 --> 00:31:39,313
I'll carry it
to the pile.
929
00:31:39,356 --> 00:31:40,967
No, precious creature!
930
00:31:41,010 --> 00:31:44,274
I had rather crack my sinews,
break my back,
931
00:31:44,318 --> 00:31:47,843
then you should such
dishonor undergo,
932
00:31:47,887 --> 00:31:49,671
while I sit lazy by!
933
00:31:49,714 --> 00:31:51,064
Oh!
934
00:31:51,107 --> 00:31:53,022
Oh...!
935
00:31:53,066 --> 00:31:55,416
[ Both grunt ]
936
00:31:55,459 --> 00:31:59,986
[ Both grunting in distance ]
937
00:32:00,029 --> 00:32:02,553
[ Cheers and applause ]
938
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:06,340
Let me go.I haven't gone over
your safety briefing yet.
939
00:32:06,383 --> 00:32:08,429
I've flatlined before,
I'll survive this.
940
00:32:08,472 --> 00:32:09,560
Ah!Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
941
00:32:09,604 --> 00:32:13,260
[ Screaming ]
942
00:32:13,303 --> 00:32:14,783
This is strange.
943
00:32:14,826 --> 00:32:16,176
Your father's
in some passion
944
00:32:16,219 --> 00:32:17,525
that works him
strongly.
945
00:32:17,568 --> 00:32:22,269
Stop!
946
00:32:22,312 --> 00:32:24,140
[ All gasping ]
947
00:32:24,184 --> 00:32:25,228
[ Grunts ]
948
00:32:25,272 --> 00:32:26,708
Get this off me.
949
00:32:26,751 --> 00:32:28,231
Show's over!
950
00:32:33,454 --> 00:32:35,195
Nice dismount.
951
00:32:35,238 --> 00:32:37,458
I heard the faint cries
of your L5-S1.
952
00:32:37,501 --> 00:32:38,589
How could you do this
to me?
953
00:32:38,633 --> 00:32:40,548
Me?
Yes.
954
00:32:40,591 --> 00:32:43,203
Performing "The Tempest"
with that...disrupter?
955
00:32:43,246 --> 00:32:45,118
I have never felt
more betrayed.
956
00:32:45,161 --> 00:32:47,033
I had no choice.
957
00:32:47,076 --> 00:32:49,035
We had a whole show to do,
and you left me standing there
958
00:32:49,078 --> 00:32:50,253
with my apocrypha
in my hand.
959
00:32:50,297 --> 00:32:51,733
I was proving a point!
960
00:32:51,776 --> 00:32:53,387
The faire is sacred.
961
00:32:53,430 --> 00:32:54,823
People come here
962
00:32:54,866 --> 00:32:55,998
for the history,
the authenticity.
963
00:32:56,042 --> 00:32:57,739
If we lost that now,
then what?
964
00:32:57,782 --> 00:32:59,480
Then we might as well be
gyrating on a cruise ship
965
00:32:59,523 --> 00:33:00,611
to a sea of Aunt Lindas.
966
00:33:00,655 --> 00:33:02,091
I don't like it, either.
967
00:33:02,135 --> 00:33:05,616
Then why didn't
you have my back?
968
00:33:05,660 --> 00:33:07,183
I voted with you.
969
00:33:07,227 --> 00:33:08,837
But at some point,
970
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:10,360
you have to acknowledge
971
00:33:10,404 --> 00:33:12,275
that if we don't change
the faire today,
972
00:33:12,319 --> 00:33:14,234
there may not be one at all
tomorrow.
973
00:33:14,277 --> 00:33:16,888
I've been here
since the beginning.
974
00:33:16,932 --> 00:33:18,890
This means something to me.
975
00:33:18,934 --> 00:33:20,849
The thing that sucks
about compromise
976
00:33:20,892 --> 00:33:23,721
is that it forces you
outside of your safe zone,
977
00:33:23,765 --> 00:33:26,637
and once that happens,
whether you like it or not,
978
00:33:26,681 --> 00:33:29,031
you get a front-row seat
to all the ways in which
979
00:33:29,075 --> 00:33:32,078
you've cheated yourself
of new experiences.
980
00:33:40,956 --> 00:33:42,566
We can get through this.
981
00:33:42,610 --> 00:33:44,264
Together.
982
00:33:45,656 --> 00:33:47,397
I want to sleep at night
983
00:33:47,441 --> 00:33:50,705
knowing that
I stuck to my values.
984
00:33:50,748 --> 00:33:53,925
Lots of "I's" and "my's."
985
00:33:53,969 --> 00:33:57,494
986
00:33:57,538 --> 00:33:59,061
You're not gonna offer me
987
00:33:59,105 --> 00:34:00,193
one of your Shakespearean lines
of wisdom?
988
00:34:00,236 --> 00:34:01,629
Nope!
989
00:34:01,672 --> 00:34:03,848
I've got to go french a man
in public.
990
00:34:03,892 --> 00:34:08,070
991
00:34:08,114 --> 00:34:10,768
[ Laughter ]
992
00:34:10,812 --> 00:34:12,118
That's a short sword.
993
00:34:12,161 --> 00:34:13,119
[ Laughs ]
994
00:34:15,208 --> 00:34:17,645
Oh, well,
let me be the judge.
995
00:34:19,299 --> 00:34:21,388
[ Laughter ]
996
00:34:21,431 --> 00:34:23,085
Oh! You!
997
00:34:23,129 --> 00:34:24,782
You!
998
00:34:24,826 --> 00:34:27,785
Oh, why haven't I seen you
more often?
999
00:34:27,829 --> 00:34:30,179
Oh, no, really,
how is the faire treating you?
1000
00:34:30,223 --> 00:34:31,702
Yes?
1001
00:34:31,746 --> 00:34:32,877
Good, let me get you
some flagons.
1002
00:34:32,921 --> 00:34:41,321
1003
00:34:41,364 --> 00:34:45,107
I've been coming to the Royal
since quaaludes were in.
1004
00:34:45,151 --> 00:34:46,413
This was a horror show.
1005
00:34:46,456 --> 00:34:48,023
And the Queen
was a no-show.
1006
00:34:48,067 --> 00:34:50,025
[ Groans ]
1007
00:34:50,069 --> 00:34:51,766
Can you blame her?
1008
00:34:51,809 --> 00:34:53,681
There were Ewoks
at the joust.
1009
00:34:53,724 --> 00:34:56,075
I applaud Her Majesty
for not attending today.
1010
00:34:56,118 --> 00:34:58,164
It was beneath her.
1011
00:34:58,207 --> 00:35:00,862
Still, what is a Renaissance
without our Queen?
1012
00:35:00,905 --> 00:35:02,864
Whatever.
1013
00:35:02,907 --> 00:35:03,865
Screw her!
1014
00:35:03,908 --> 00:35:10,698
1015
00:35:10,741 --> 00:35:17,574
1016
00:35:17,618 --> 00:35:18,923
Okay, you two.
1017
00:35:18,967 --> 00:35:20,142
Don't be mad.
1018
00:35:20,186 --> 00:35:21,404
Delilah:
[ Clears throat ]
1019
00:35:21,448 --> 00:35:23,711
The decision was unanimous.
1020
00:35:23,754 --> 00:35:27,193
Shart has the least
offensive O-face.
1021
00:35:27,236 --> 00:35:29,325
You showed her?Stick: I had to!
1022
00:35:29,369 --> 00:35:30,935
We needed an impartial judge,
1023
00:35:30,979 --> 00:35:32,415
and she has the most experience
with nudity.
1024
00:35:32,459 --> 00:35:34,678
God, dude!
1025
00:35:34,722 --> 00:35:37,159
I mean, I'm flattered
you picked me.
1026
00:35:37,203 --> 00:35:38,508
It was the toes, right?
1027
00:35:38,552 --> 00:35:40,075
Hold on,
1028
00:35:40,119 --> 00:35:41,946
you said that the pick
was "unanimous"?
1029
00:35:41,990 --> 00:35:43,861
Yeah. We all voted.Oh, my God.
1030
00:35:43,905 --> 00:35:45,080
What? I sent those videos
only to you.
1031
00:35:45,124 --> 00:35:46,299
Oh, and I respected
your privacy,
1032
00:35:46,342 --> 00:35:47,474
but I couldn't pick
on my own.
1033
00:35:47,517 --> 00:35:49,084
You were all
so specific.
1034
00:35:49,128 --> 00:35:51,173
So, I told Natasha,
and she sent them out.
1035
00:35:51,217 --> 00:35:53,175
Although she did get them
from me originally.
1036
00:35:53,219 --> 00:35:55,134
I think I have a problem.
1037
00:35:55,177 --> 00:35:56,178
Congratulations!
1038
00:35:56,222 --> 00:35:57,266
Don't you leave!
1039
00:36:03,620 --> 00:36:05,796
Just so you know...
1040
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:08,408
this doesn't feel like
a win.
1041
00:36:14,979 --> 00:36:16,938
Okay,we have to align our lies.
1042
00:36:16,981 --> 00:36:19,288
We'll tell Joel
that you got crabs
from the mattress,
1043
00:36:19,332 --> 00:36:20,768
or if you get HPV,
1044
00:36:20,811 --> 00:36:21,986
we'll say that
it's airborne here.
1045
00:36:22,030 --> 00:36:23,597
Don't worry,
he won't care.
1046
00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:24,598
I have a freebie.
1047
00:36:24,641 --> 00:36:25,816
A what?
1048
00:36:25,860 --> 00:36:27,427
A hall pass.
1049
00:36:27,470 --> 00:36:28,645
For sex.
1050
00:36:29,777 --> 00:36:31,170
Joel cheated.
1051
00:36:31,213 --> 00:36:33,259
Oh, my God.
1052
00:36:33,302 --> 00:36:34,564
Yeah.
1053
00:36:34,608 --> 00:36:35,696
With who?
1054
00:36:35,739 --> 00:36:37,524
Oh, his mobile notary.
1055
00:36:37,567 --> 00:36:39,526
Her name is "Judee."Oh.
1056
00:36:39,569 --> 00:36:41,180
With two Es.
Unh-unh.
1057
00:36:41,223 --> 00:36:42,442
I almost killed him twice
for that.
1058
00:36:42,485 --> 00:36:43,660
[ Gasps ]
1059
00:36:43,704 --> 00:36:45,358
Erin, I'm so sorry.
1060
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:50,232
So, that's why
you came to visit?
1061
00:36:50,276 --> 00:36:51,712
I was suspicious of you
bringing a book.
1062
00:36:51,755 --> 00:36:53,017
You don't read.
1063
00:36:53,061 --> 00:36:55,846
Well, I got the gist
from the flap.
1064
00:36:55,890 --> 00:36:57,239
Why go through
all of this?
1065
00:36:57,283 --> 00:36:58,632
Why don't you just
leave him?
1066
00:36:58,675 --> 00:37:01,069
And throw away
six years of marriage,
1067
00:37:01,112 --> 00:37:02,592
happy-ish kids?
1068
00:37:02,636 --> 00:37:04,551
I figured I'd get even
and keep my life.
1069
00:37:04,594 --> 00:37:06,988
I'll figure out the rest
later.
1070
00:37:07,031 --> 00:37:10,209
Wow, that's very...
modern of you.
1071
00:37:12,385 --> 00:37:14,735
You know...
I always thought
1072
00:37:14,778 --> 00:37:17,085
it would be with John Cho,
frankly, but, um...
1073
00:37:17,128 --> 00:37:19,696
Seriously,
Leaf was amazing.
1074
00:37:19,740 --> 00:37:20,958
He has this curve --
1075
00:37:21,002 --> 00:37:22,046
To the left.
1076
00:37:22,090 --> 00:37:23,483
Yeah, I'm familiar.
1077
00:37:23,526 --> 00:37:25,093
Ew!
1078
00:37:25,136 --> 00:37:26,442
You slept with him, too?!
1079
00:37:26,486 --> 00:37:27,835
Why do you think
I was so disturbed?
1080
00:37:27,878 --> 00:37:29,140
Because, like,
you thought I was,
1081
00:37:29,184 --> 00:37:30,577
like, throwing away
my marriage!
1082
00:37:30,620 --> 00:37:31,665
Yes, and the fact
that we shared a penis!
1083
00:37:31,708 --> 00:37:33,057
Ugh!
1084
00:37:33,101 --> 00:37:34,407
Which I got to first.
1085
00:37:34,450 --> 00:37:36,322
Okay, well now we're even,
1086
00:37:36,365 --> 00:37:38,237
because I kissed that guy
in Costa Rica first.
1087
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:39,803
[ Gasps ]
1088
00:37:39,847 --> 00:37:41,283
1089
00:37:41,327 --> 00:37:43,633
I'm so glad you came.
1090
00:37:43,677 --> 00:37:44,765
Twice.
1091
00:37:44,808 --> 00:37:46,245
Ew.
1092
00:37:46,288 --> 00:37:47,463
[ Applause ]
1093
00:37:47,507 --> 00:37:49,160
Helen: No!
1094
00:37:49,204 --> 00:37:50,945
You look so stupid.
Go away. Next!
1095
00:37:50,988 --> 00:37:52,381
[ Audience boos, groans ]
1096
00:37:52,425 --> 00:37:54,253
Gross. Fat ass.
1097
00:37:54,296 --> 00:37:55,210
[ Cheers and applause ]
1098
00:37:55,254 --> 00:37:56,646
No!!
1099
00:37:56,690 --> 00:37:58,126
What are those?
Boobs on your head?
1100
00:37:58,169 --> 00:37:59,301
Next!
1101
00:37:59,345 --> 00:38:00,476
Oh, no!
1102
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:02,478
Colors. Vomit. Sick.
1103
00:38:02,522 --> 00:38:03,610
Barf all over you.
1104
00:38:03,653 --> 00:38:05,002
Next!!
1105
00:38:05,046 --> 00:38:06,830
We still
don't have a Queen,
1106
00:38:06,874 --> 00:38:08,397
and this was the only way
to keep her
1107
00:38:08,441 --> 00:38:10,443
from hurting anybody
with her sword.
Hmm.
1108
00:38:10,486 --> 00:38:13,359
No! Nerd! Nerd!! Nerd!
1109
00:38:13,402 --> 00:38:14,969
Hey, call me.
1110
00:38:15,012 --> 00:38:16,753
Just kidding, don't!
1111
00:38:16,797 --> 00:38:18,320
Next!
1112
00:38:18,364 --> 00:38:20,366
Oh, this again?
1113
00:38:20,409 --> 00:38:21,584
I voted for you.
1114
00:38:21,628 --> 00:38:23,543
Oh, God.
1115
00:38:23,586 --> 00:38:25,109
That's...
1116
00:38:25,153 --> 00:38:27,155
Ugh.
1117
00:38:27,198 --> 00:38:28,983
Who did
Shart's lighting?
1118
00:38:29,026 --> 00:38:30,637
Because it was disgusting,
1119
00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:33,770
but he did manage to capture
the golden hour.
1120
00:38:33,814 --> 00:38:36,469
Uh, I don't want to talk about
any of it.
1121
00:38:36,512 --> 00:38:38,122
Rest assured that I will
never be having sex
1122
00:38:38,166 --> 00:38:39,515
in front of a mirror again.
1123
00:38:39,559 --> 00:38:40,908
Okay. Cool.
Uh-huh.
1124
00:38:40,951 --> 00:38:42,866
Good to know.
1125
00:38:42,910 --> 00:38:44,738
You know,
it wasn't that bad.
1126
00:38:44,781 --> 00:38:46,479
Although I wouldn't want
to pass those traits on
1127
00:38:46,522 --> 00:38:47,958
to your sperm babies.
1128
00:38:48,002 --> 00:38:49,482
I'm not having
any sperm babies.
1129
00:38:49,525 --> 00:38:50,396
Those kind, anyway?
1130
00:38:50,439 --> 00:38:52,746
Really?Unh-unh. Yeah.
1131
00:38:52,789 --> 00:38:54,574
Stick borrowed money
from Friar.
1132
00:38:54,617 --> 00:38:56,184
We are making bank today
to pay it back.
1133
00:38:56,227 --> 00:38:57,664
Besides, I, uh...
1134
00:38:57,707 --> 00:39:00,144
I realized that
I kind of sort of want
1135
00:39:00,188 --> 00:39:02,364
to start possibly
picturing the future.
1136
00:39:02,408 --> 00:39:04,497
What's that, do I hear?
1137
00:39:04,540 --> 00:39:06,760
The pitter-patter of...
1138
00:39:06,803 --> 00:39:08,152
hipster babies.
1139
00:39:08,196 --> 00:39:09,937
Echelon and Latte.
1140
00:39:09,980 --> 00:39:12,548
The names go both ways.
1141
00:39:12,592 --> 00:39:14,724
No babies.
Not yet.
1142
00:39:14,768 --> 00:39:17,640
Maybe never.
Or maybe tomorrow.
1143
00:39:17,684 --> 00:39:20,295
Just keeping
my options open.
1144
00:39:20,339 --> 00:39:23,080
1145
00:39:23,124 --> 00:39:24,299
You did hear me,
by the way,
1146
00:39:24,343 --> 00:39:25,561
that we're making
a killing?
1147
00:39:25,605 --> 00:39:27,346
The Spice Girls
are cardiologists,
1148
00:39:27,389 --> 00:39:28,825
and they were very generous
with tips.
1149
00:39:28,869 --> 00:39:30,653
Yeah.
1150
00:39:30,697 --> 00:39:32,351
Yeah.
1151
00:39:32,394 --> 00:39:33,787
Plus the zip line
and the water orb guys
1152
00:39:33,830 --> 00:39:34,918
are, like,
turning people away.
1153
00:39:34,962 --> 00:39:37,312
Uh-huh.
1154
00:39:37,356 --> 00:39:38,705
The girl
I met six weeks ago
1155
00:39:38,748 --> 00:39:40,228
would be bragging
till the end of eternity
1156
00:39:40,271 --> 00:39:41,621
about this.
1157
00:39:41,664 --> 00:39:44,406
That girl
has left the faire.
1158
00:39:44,450 --> 00:39:46,408
This girl
has a clipboard.
1159
00:39:46,452 --> 00:39:47,975
This girl needs to stop
being so humble,
1160
00:39:48,018 --> 00:39:49,455
'cause it's annoying.[ Chuckles ]
1161
00:39:49,498 --> 00:39:51,718
You did this, Amanda.
1162
00:39:51,761 --> 00:39:53,502
Be proud.
1163
00:39:53,546 --> 00:40:03,643
1164
00:40:03,686 --> 00:40:05,253
Yeah.
1165
00:40:05,296 --> 00:40:06,428
[ Laughs ]
1166
00:40:06,472 --> 00:40:08,387
[ Laughs ]
1167
00:40:09,736 --> 00:40:11,694
[ Exhales sharply ]
1168
00:40:11,738 --> 00:40:14,654
A devil.
1169
00:40:14,697 --> 00:40:19,920
A born devil on whose nature,
nurture can never stick.
1170
00:40:19,963 --> 00:40:23,053
I will plague them all.
1171
00:40:23,097 --> 00:40:24,707
I will plague.
1172
00:40:24,751 --> 00:40:25,926
Them.
1173
00:40:25,969 --> 00:40:28,537
All!
1174
00:40:28,581 --> 00:40:31,888
Show me the magic!
1175
00:40:31,932 --> 00:40:34,108
[ Thunder rumbles ]
1176
00:40:34,151 --> 00:40:37,241
[ Laughs evilly ]
1177
00:40:37,285 --> 00:40:39,505
[ Thunder rumbles ]
1178
00:40:39,548 --> 00:40:44,771
[ Laughing evilly ]
1179
00:40:44,814 --> 00:40:51,517
1180
00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:53,910
[ Thunder rumbles ]
1181
00:40:56,173 --> 00:41:04,486
1182
00:41:04,530 --> 00:41:12,799
1183
00:41:12,842 --> 00:41:21,155
77949
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