All language subtitles for American Princess s01e05_English

Previously on
"American Princess"...

Are you
on our honeymoon?

Dr. Bloom said after
a major emotional trauma

to prioritize self-care.

Brian: I ran into Juan Andrés,
you know,

the man
that I sort of like.

Oh, good God.
You're obsessed.

She was not very helpful to me
today, as a friend.

You got to go get him!

Yes.
Yes.

I'd like
to be your friend.

I have enough friends.

♪♪

Morgan:
We're not here to judge.

I mean, with everything
you've been through,

it makes sense
that you would run off

and do something...different.

And we're also here
to check that you aren't
totally mentally ill.

Next up is the faire's
own dirty pub wench,

Ophelia Feelsgood!

I don't even know who you are
right now.

God, what the hell am I gonna
tell your mother?

Did she send you here?

I love you, Amanda.
I do.

But this?
I can't.

Amanda: Mom,
I know what you did.

Erin: Amanda, it's Erin.
Mom OD'ed.

Get your ass home.

Erin: Here.
This'll perk her up.

Ugh. Why not?

While you've been enjoying
your breakdown,

I've been here,
vacuuming up vomit.

-She puked?
-Of course she puked.

If you're faking an overdose,
you commit.

Two fingers down the throat --
like she taught us.

She chased three Zolpies down
with a bottle of Pinot

and had Rebecca call
Dr. Schwartzman.

Rebecca:
Calling Dr. Schwartzman.

Both: Rebecca, cancel call.

Call canceled.

Okay, I'm not having
a breakdown.

It's a new adventure.
A bend in my road.

And Mom seems fine.

Sure, she's fine.
The vacuum is ruined.

So buy another vacuum.

Easy for you to say.

It is.
Rebecca, buy a wet-dry vacuum.

Purchasing
a wet-dry vacuum.Voilà!

Only the latest crisis
I've had to handle. By myself.

All alone.
With no help.

Like an orphan.

I'm not apologizing
for looking after myself.

I'm entitled
to some distance.

[ Scoffs ]
Distance? From your mother?

Have they sucked all the Jew
out of you

up there
in fake England-land?

That's not fair. I still have
night terrors about final exams.

Asians have those, too.

[ Sighs ]

We shouldn't have to live
our lives to make her happy.

How about making me happy,
huh?

I've got parent-teacher
conferences tomorrow,

and they no longer
let nannies cover

and I can't send Joel because
he never finds out

which kids are worse
than ours.

This is real life,
Amanda.

I need your help.

We pinky-promised.
Us against her, forever.

Yeah, when I was 8
and still thought

that she was under a spell
from an evil witch.

You did do a deep dive
into the dark arts

looking for a reversal.

[ Chuckles ] Do you remember
that, uh, purple cape

you wore everywhere?
Oh, yeah.

[ Laughs ]

[ Snorts ]

[ Sighs ] Okay, fine, I'll stay
until tomorrow night.

Hmm. Sure Camp Men-In-Tights
will survive?

Screw you.
Screw you.

See? This is nice.

Like old times.

I miss this.

There is a sort of familiar
comfort in it.

Here are some comforters
for you to choose from.

I don't not need
a new duvet.

Brian: ♪ Happy
hysterecto-versary to you ♪

♪ Happy hysterecto-versary
to you ♪

♪ Happy hysterecto-versary,
dear Maggie ♪

♪ Happy hysterecto-versary
to you ♪

♪ And many mooooooore!

Oh, I knew
you wouldn't forget.

Oh!

I feel so blessed.

11 years cancer-
and child-free.

Who could ask
for anything more?

[ Chuckles ]Now make a wish.

Oh. Oh.

Whoo!

Oh, I have quite a day
planned for us.

A small piece for me.

Day...you say?

Yeah.
Is there a problem?

No. It's just...

Juan Andrés and I had talked
about throwing pottery

at his studio.

Oh. How very "Ghost"
of you.

Believe it or not, I have
actually been looking forward

to getting my hands dirty.

Oh, please,
you despise dirty.

Which is perfect because
I've booked us mani-pedis

and side-by-side shiatsus.

I think the plural for "shiatsu"
is also "shiatsu."

It's like "moose"
or "underwear."

In or out?

Fine, I'm in.

To my fallen fallopians.

Oh! Such a wondrous moment
for a mother!

And for a daughter!
For all mothers!

And all daughters!

And the whole sisterhood
of women

who bleed once a month
and don't die.

It isn't too much, though,
is it?

I thought you were talking about
a much smaller event.

Like, I didn't expect
an evite.

[ Groans ]

Whoo!
What else do we need?

We? Unh-unh. No.

This is a celebration
of the feminine awakening.

No boys allowed.

But I was on the evite.

Maybe it's time you two
got separate e-mail addresses.

Secrets are the enemy of love,
so...

I-I think Breeze
might be more comfortable

if it's
a ladies-only deal.

You get it.

No, I don't.

And who's the one that bought
her that book about puberty?

Me.
Yeah, her father.

It was a good book, too.

We both learned a lot.

Out! Your testosterone
is ruining the juju.

It's just a couple hours,
sweetie.

Let the women have
their time.

You're making me feel
marginalized.

You'll get over it.
I promise.

Okay, the Pinterest one
called for kumquat ovaries,

but all we had
were apricots.

Wait. Is that...?

Yes!

It's a fruiterus.
[ Gasps ]

Delilah,
it's beautiful!

Yeah,
and I made her a virgin.

Accurate.
Yeah. We think.

We hope. Yeah.
We hope.

Joanntha: Oh!
[ Laughs ]

Good morning, sunshine!

Big plans today.

Look at you
all up and about.

Hmm. I'm glad to see
you're feeling better.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm still
in such terrible pain,

both physically
and...

[ Sighs ]
...emotionally.

But we're talking
about you.

Oh. Your friends
really want to see you.

Yeah, well, I didn't tell anyone
I was here.

I did.
Wh--

You're welcome.[ Groans ] Mom!

Now, we're having
a big dinner.

No.
No backing out.

You're getting quite
a reputation as a canceler.

I really
just don't want --

[ Sighs ]

Dinner is fine.
Thank you.

Well, look at you,

with your groovy, hippie
deep breaths.

If you really want
to thank me,

get Mommy a flat white
from that place on 84th.

You know the one.

The young man who...

flirts with me
via coffee foam.

You mean he made a heart
in it?

Yes!

Oh, poor boy.

He must have worked
so hard on that

to get my attention.

But I would never.

He's got a tattoo
of an avocado.

Hmm. Then it's probably best
you spurn his affections.

So many calories.

♪♪

What's something funny to say
with this picture?

Huh?

Breeze got her period.

That doesn't really go
with the photo.

Menarche.

What?! She's 13, man.
Men are not key.

Menarche is
the first menstrual cycle.

Shut up
with your fancy words.

I'm freaking out.

Congratulations?
Or sorry?

I don't really know
what to say.

[ Exhales ] Yeah, me, neither.
It's weird.

Lulu and Delilah are throwing
Breeze a party.

They get a party for that?
Like, with gifts?

-Yeah.
-What should we get Breeze?

Nothing.
We're not invited.

Yeah, they said
it's a "woman thing."

-Ahh.
-Everything's a woman thing now.

I think menstruation
has always been a woman thing.

But we could do, like,
a man thing.

You know,
we could use a day.

Yes! Let's do some man things,
huh?

Strip clubs?Yes! No. No.

Nah, it doesn't feel right
looking at boobs

when Breeze is just getting
her boobs.

I don't even want
to say..."boobs."

Okay, well,
we could drink beers,

watch sports,
read Civil War novels.

Could we shoot things?Yeah!

No!
Yeah.

[ Sing-song ]
We're gonna shoot things.

O0 C1You'll never have to figure out
what a "Mo[ Laughs ]

Look! I can laugh uproariously
and not wet myself!

You can die the way
you want --

by jumping off
a cruise ship.

When I wake up at 3:00 a.m.,
it's because Ivomited.

Oh, looks like
the real party's over here.

Um, we're just
listing reasons

why it's good
to not have children.

Because I have no uterus.

And neither do I!

Oh. Can I play?

No.
Sure!

Uh...

Maybe next time then.

You ready to throw?

Yes, we're just about
finished up here.

No, we still have
things to do.

Today is the 11th anniversary
of my hysterectomy.

Wow. I'm so --

So happy for her.

So --
Yeah, so happy for you.

Thank you.

Do you want some cake?

I have barely
touched mine.

Please, have some cake.

Thank you.

So, maybe we should --Light a symbolic candle

for each of the babies
I never had?

Marvelous.

I had a very sexual phase
about five years ago,

so buckle up.
[ Laughs ]

All righty.

Um, could you?

I don't want to ruin
my nails.

Sure.

For Yannick,
son of the Swiss street artist.

You, too, would have
had intimacy issues

about giving out
your phone number.

Oh. To Jamila,
daughter of the rug merchant

who sold me
my favorite afghan.

For Tyler Jr.,
son of the aspiring foot model

who was handing out samplers
outside of the Hot Diggity Dog.

[ Chuckles ] I should probably
go alphabetically,

in case I lose my place.
We'd have to start all over.

Oh, don't want that.

[ Chuckles lightly ]

-Here you go. Enjoy.
-Thanks.

Hi.

Oh. She didn't.

You look great.

Of course she did.

Joanntha said
you were ready to talk.

I so did not
tell her that.

But that's --
that's okay.

That's okay!

You didn't know that.
And we're all just being

the best versions of ourselves
that we're capable of being.

C-C-Can we sit?

Give me a few minutes?

Please?

Fine.

So how was
our honeymoon?

I'm guessing that my prayers
for a devastating hurricane

went unanswered.[ Laughs ]
There's my girl.

I'm not a girl.

And I'm not
"your" anything.

Look, I know
I shouldn't have gone,

but I needed to get away
from here.

Everyone hates me.

Which they should,
I get it.

But it's hard.As hard as you were

when you were
inside Helen's mouth?

I wanted her to leave
the night before,

but it was late and it seemed
unsafe for her to drive.

Oh, my G--
W-W-Wait. Please.

S-Sit.

I'm glad
you brought it up,

'cause I've been thinking a lot
about why I did that,

and...I don't know.

Cool. Yeah,
thanks for the clarity.

I was out of my mind.

The whole time.

Every conversation
led to mortgages

and babies and 401[k]s
and retirement.

Retirement?!

I'm supposed to start thinking
of retirement?

We,Brett. We were supposed
to start thinking

of all of those things
together.

I was freaked out, too,

but you didn't catch me
sitting on a caterer's face.

Specifically the tall one
with the motorcycle

who made the filling
for the lettuce cup things.

Those fillings were delicious
when we had them at the tasting.

He's clearly passionate.

I've missed you.

Tell me what I can do
to get you back.

I'll do whatever you say.

I don't know what to say.

Then at least tell me
it's not over.

It's a --
It's a hurdle, right?

We'll get over it?

I really don't know.

Bye, Brett.

♪♪

[ Squeals ]
Shh! She's coming.

Okay, everybody,
freeze!

Right this way, honey.

All: Surprise!

What is this?It's your period party!

Oh, no.

Happy Menses,
Little Lunar Lady.

Check this out.

All vaginas are different,
but they are all beautiful.

And don't let anybody
tell you otherwise.

Some have long, luxurious lips,
kind of like mine.

Some of them are like
two baby carrots, kissing.

Mine smells like
sugar cookies.
Ew.

We are gathered here today

to celebrate the first shedding
of Breeze's uterine lining.

Whoo!

[ Cheering ]

All right, all right,
all right.

Babe, this is for you.

Oh, please no...

One second.

Yes.

Exultation in Menstruation,

a poem
by Evelyn Stanton.

"A torrent of crimson,

Godsent
from the blood moon,

struts down
my dryad legs,

noble and tasting
of fetid iron, soaking --"

Stop!

What is wrong
with all of you?

Lulu: We're here
to make you feel special

on this special occasion.

Okay, I don't want
to feel special!

I want to feel normal!

♪♪

[ Scoffs ]

Hormones.[ All chuckle ]

O

Shart: Pull!

[ Gunshot ]

Nice shot, man!

-Ha-ha-ha! Whoo!
-Yeah.

This does feel
pretty good.

Whoo! Ha-ha!

Your turn, bro.I'm good.

It's man day.
Take the gun.

I'll take his turn.

Nah.

Your turn.

You're shooting
a clay plate.

It represents a bird.

It represents a plate.

I'll go.
Seriously, I'll go.

No. I'm going again.

Pull!
Tweet. Tweet.
Tweet. Tweet.

[ Gunshot ]

-Whoo!
-Damn it!

It's not a real bird!

But even if it was,
birds are gross.

They're little dinosaurs
that want to kills us.

We have to kill them first.

What truth is
your violence sublimating?

I'm gonna sublimate your ass
if you don't shut up.

Guys, smile!

Ha.
You both look miserable!

It's perfect!

Give me the gun!

What are you
running from?

I'm not running
from anything.

Lulu kicked me out.

And what does your heart
tell you?

That I --
That I'm gonna be kicked out

of a lot of Breeze's life
from now on.

And how does
your heart feel?

Broken.
And?

Got to help me here.

You feel like
you're being forced

to represent
the patriarchy,

despite your unwavering support
of the women

in your life
and women everywhere.

Yes! Ahh!

Woman shouldn't
patriarchy me.

Correct.

[ Laughs ]
I'm gonna take back the night!

Too far.

David: Pull! Pull!

[ Gunshot ]

Nothing more fun
than a gun!

And safety.

♪♪

Hmm.

You were gone
quite a while.

Yeah, strangest thing,
I thought I saw Brett,

but then I left
and avoided him completely.

You what?

Oh, Mandy, you were supposed to,
you know --

Why do you always --

Calm your body,
puppet-master.

I saw him.

And?

It was awkward.

And it was sad, Mom.

And I'm just confused.

And it's still too soon,
and I just -- I don't know yet.

Oh.

It was a start.

Just wish you'd had a facial
before you saw him.

Maybe bleached
your arm hair.

Mother.

How about --

How about you take
a nice, hot steam shower

and just relax?

That sounds nice.

Good.

[ Sighs ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, why,
who could that be?

Mom! If that's Brett,

I am so --
-You know, I have --

Mom!

♪♪

Is that bagels and lox?

[ Doorbell rings ]♪ That chandelier

Oh, my God,
Chinese food!

[ Doorbell rings ]

Sushi!

[ Doorbell rings ]It's crazy.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God! Anton!

[ Laughs ]

Thanks, Mommy!

♪ Oh, so glamorous

Lulu!

Hey.
I get it.

It was too much.

I get over-excited
sometimes.

Okay, all the time.

I think we overdid it
a little.

I don't want her to have
bed memories around this.

Oh.
It's too important.

Yeah.
Can I talk to her?

Oh, no. I don't think
that's a good idea.

-I'll be real quick.
-Oh.

Yeah.

Breeze, I am so sorry for going
about this the wrong way.

Forget it, it's fine.No.

We should have planned
something far more intimate

to welcome you
into womanhood.

Intimate?

I don't need
any welcoming.

There you go.

What's going on?

Delilah?
Come.

Let's all part our legs
and peer together

into the heart
of our female power.

-No, no, no. No, no.
-Whoa! Mom?

-Whoo!
-Mom.

Can we get some better lighting
in here?

Pick up your panties.

Lulu, you're body shaming.

Mom!

Delilah!
No means no!

Oh, my God!

♪♪

♪ I never sleep
'cause I am a dream ♪

♪ I am perfection
in the first degree ♪

♪ Being myself
is the perfect crime ♪

♪ I'm goin' solo
and I'm all right ♪

♪ I've never felt so fly

♪ It's nothin'
that money can buy ♪

♪ Don't need to tell me why

♪ Come with me or say bye-bye

♪ I am the queen bee

♪ Gimme all your sugar, honey,
give it to me ♪

♪ I am the queen bee

♪ Oh, so sweet

♪ Oh, so sweet

♪ Say rah, rah, rah

Have you ever worked
the Dickens Faire?

No. I'd need
all new hats.

I have some
you can borrow.

How big is your head?

[ Scoffs ]

Big.

[ Laughs ]

Good Christ.
Will you leave already?

Maggie!This was supposed to be
my day!

I'm gonna leave you two
to, uh, do more things.

We can throw pots
another time.

I'm sorry.

Why are you apologizing
to him?

[ Scoffs ]

You are something else.

What? This day was supposed
to be about uter-us,

not
uter-you-and-your-Faire-Bear.

What did you call him?

Faire Bear.
Is that offensive?

Should I call him
the Hairy Guatemalan instead?

He's Dominican.
And he's from Ohio.

Well, wherever he's from,
he should wax his back.

There were tufts coming
out of the back of his shirt.

I'm leaving.
Good. Go.

Have a wonderful time getting
dirty with your Ohioan.

I'll finish the rest of our
hysterecto-versary events alone.

Theme of my life.

Unbelievable.

If it's not about you
for five minutes,

you sulk like a child
whose Nintendo was taken away.

I am not 100% certain,

but Nintendo seems like
a dated reference.

For a supposed Queen,

you are a terrible hostess
and a real drag.

And, yes, I'm aware of using
the words drag

and queen close together,

and I'm fine with it.

Viva RuPaul!

[ Whimpers ]

Ugh.

♪♪

Whoo!
Nice shot, Katniss!

The girl
from "The Hunger Games"?

Oh.
I wasn't allowed to read books

with female heroines.

Or by female authors.

Wow. No Judy Blume?

Bible only.

Unless I was
on my period,

then I was even forbidden
to touch that.

Oh, and my mom said that
a tampon would take my virginity

and no man would marry me
and I'd go straight to hell.

Also, seeing a PG-13 movie
would send me to hell.

Also,
saying the word "hell."

Unless you were talking
about hell.

Then it was fine.

That was super confusing
for me.

Phew. I can only imagine.

I don't want to, though.
Sounds awful.

Yeah. I left before they could
completely extinguish my light.

I can attest to that.
You shine bright.

Yeah, well.

Look, I'm sorry
about freaking out

over the vagina gazing.

I-I know
you love Breeze.

Lulu, I just wanted her
to feel beautiful today.

My parents said
that I welcomed the devil

when I got my period.

Which made me think
the devil

was into some
really weird stuff.

My parents gave me
uptight country clubs

and tennis lessons
and boarding school.

And they were definitely
into some weird stuff.

At least I thought
it was weird.

To everyone else, they were
the paragons of normal.

Ugh.

Are you picturing your parents
in the target?

No! That's awful.
Sorry.

I'm picturing them
as the arrows.

The target is me.

That is so much sadder.

Are you back to bingeing
and purging?

No. This is what lifting kegs
affords you.

This is my fourth carb load
today

and I haven't even cried
about it.

Well, you will tomorrow
when your ass is so big

you could hatch the moon
if you sat on it.

I'm just saying.

Lexi: You can't sit
on the moon.

There's, like,
no gravity there.

The kids are good.
I put on "Moana."

You don't worry about the
gender-stereotypical messaging

of those movies?
I plan to ban princesses

if I ever have kids.Good luck with that.

It's really good to be here
with you guys.

I'm gonna visit home more often.
I promise.

Visit?

You are not going back
to that godforsaken place.

Of course I am.

Oh, Amanda, stop.

Stop with this foolishness.

You belong here.
With us.

At home.

Or within a few blocks.

Just not too far east.

It gets very ethnic
around York.

I'm going back tonight,
Mother.

I already told you that.
I have a job.

Do you have health insurance?
Do you pay taxes?

No, but --That's not a job.

No, it -- it kind of is.
I mean, you...

No, it's not, Nick, and neither
are your stylist gigs

or those "comedic" videos
you put on your YouTube channel.

Being single and lonely
and very alone

and all alone has made you
very mean, Morgan.

Guys.All right. I think the time
has come.

Dr. Bloom!

Wow. "Moana." Wow.

The water is a character.

What is going on?

Can somebody pass
the broccolini?

Not now, Joel!
Jesus.

Dr. Bloom: Amanda,

everyone in this room is here
because they love you

and they want
to help you.

With what?

Are you familiar
with the term "intervention"?

Oh, my G--

I went on one mini bender
after the BJ incident.

I think that I'm entitled.

God. Why does everyone think
I'm an alcoholic?

Only Morgan thinks that.

Everyone else thinks you've been
brainwashed by a cult.

I'm never telling you anything,
ever again.

Okay, but maybe we should focus
on the alcoholism thing first?

Since it's a little weird
that that's something

she mentioned right off the bat,
isn't it?

I'm drinking water!

Anybody want
a lamb chop?
Oh, my God.

I want to punch you
in the face.

I had a light lunch.

Can we just get on
with the intervening?

I have to meet a friend
at the Carlyle at 10:00.

What friend?

I have friends.

First off.
Welcome, everyone.

Um, what is
an intervention?

"A therapeutic intervention
is an effort

made by individuals or groups

to improve the well-being
of someone else

who either is in need of help
but refusing it

or is otherwise unable
to initiate or accept help."

She's --
She's not even listening.

Do you think
it's too late?

Has she been
fully brainwashed?

Amanda,
your friends and family

have gathered here
out of love.

Please show them some respect
and turn off your phone.

Fine.

Will you pass me
that salad?

Dinner is over, Joel!

Deprogramming
in the living room!

Now.

♪♪

Hey.
Hey.

Um, so I've given this
a lot of thought.

And I prepared a speech.

Oh. Okay.

Lulu,
I am Breeze's parent, too,

and although
I'm not the same gender,

I can share
in her milestones.

So...

That sounded a --
sounded a lot longer in my head

when I was...
Well,
knock yourself out, babe.

I failed miserably.

Aw.

What happened?

It seemed like
such a nice party.

I made a bad call.

So I get to be
the cool parent?

Ha-ha! Yes!

Uh, hey. Happy womanhood.

-A phone?
-What every 13-year-old wants,

a distraction
from their confusing reality.

You got her a phone?

Uh-huh.

Wow.
This is...very cool.

Thank you.

No jumping up and down,
accompanied by shrill screams?

It's not a toy one,
you know?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But a phone is only fun
when you have friends

to talk to on it.You have friends.

I have four friends, and exactly
none of them are my age.

[ Sighs ]A phone is great,

but what I really want...

[ Sighs ]
...is to go to middle school

like a normal kid.

Well, that's just --
it's not practical.

Oh, really?
For who? You?

Nobody ever asked me
what I want.

And what I want
is a real school.

I'm too old
to be homeschooled.

Is public school
still free?

'Cause that thing
cost like 200 bucks.

So sounds like a deal
to me.

Oh, a deal
with the fascist institution

that is American
public education right now?

I mean, it's study to the test.
Study to the test.

I don't think so.

You're the fascists!
[ Gasps ]

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's all take
a deep breath

and count back
to democratic ideals, huh?

Now, your mom and I have heard
what you've had to say

and we'll discuss.

There's nothing
to discuss.

[ Grunts ]

No fascists here, right?

Right.

Ooh.

What happened
to Master Zen?

[ Sighs ]

If I sent you a cryptic message
saying, "Save me,"

you wouldn't at least
look into it?

Yes, but you're not
a high-maintenance socialite

prone to hysterics.

Don't ignore the signs,
man.

I had a friend who kept saying
his parents wanted

to send him away,
and then they did.

They nabbed him
in the middle of the night,

totally against his will.

Well, her family
is trying to intervention her

away from the faire.

How far can they get
with that?

There's a reason
why the rehab industry

has become
a big business.

Lack of
government oversight?

Because they kidnap
most of their patients.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, well, she's an adult.

I'd like to see them
try to steal her away.

You were the last one
to hear from her.

Meaning...?
Meaning
it'll be all on you.

Okay, yeah, fair point.

I borrowed your truck
for a beer run.

Just make me a promise.Absolutely not.

Find these ribs
a home.
[ Scoffs ]

The murder of this pig
will not stain my soul.

If that brave animal's sacrifice
goes to waste, it's on you.

I've seen some nutty stuff,

but a funeral
for your lady parts?

That was new.

Last year, she made me howl
with ht the full moon.

You're a good friend.

She's a good friend, too.
She just...forgets.

And you remind her instead
of leaving her to howl alone.

That's what makes you
one of the good guys.

I'm sorry our plans
didn't work out.

No regrets.
We're here now!

All's well, et cetera.

Ah.

♪♪

[ Howls ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Howls ]

Amanda: As I said before,
it's not a cult.

It's a community
that values acceptance

and -- and --
and love and --

Are you hearing this?
Cult speak.

Lexi: Are we completely off
the alcoholic thing,

'cause a drink would be
really nice right now,

but I don't want
to be insensitive.

Dr. Bloom: Amanda, tell us more
about this "community."

Morgan said all the women
wear corsets

and display their
sweaty cleavage for the men.

Oh, yeah.
They're basically sex slaves.

I thought the wench auction
was cute.

What the hell is
a wench auction?

-It's hard to explain.
-Please try.

My life is very dull.

Okay. So, I want to thank
you all for caring so much.

I know it comes
from a place of love.

But I have to go now.

I will see you all
very soon.

Mandy, listen to me --

I've been listening.

And I'm done listening.

I've listened to all of you,
okay?

It's my life.

Your life? Your life?

Really?

You're so independent?

Who paid for four years
at Vassar,

and funded you
while you tried to "write"?

[ Scoffs ]
And shelled out
a fortune

for a gorgeous wedding
that you ran out on?

You've had your little
nervous breakdown, dear.

It's time to come home.

Besides, you're not built
for a sex cult.

Not with
your short cervix.

I have
the short cervix, Mom.

She has
the fatty lipomas.

-[ Scoffs ] Whatever.
-It's not a sex cult!

I live there,
and I'm happy there.

Why is that so hard for you
to understand?!

Because it's not
who you are!

Since when has
a nice Jewish girl

found happiness this far away
from Henri Bendel's?

You really pulled out
all the stops, didn't you, Mom?

And I keep falling
for it.

Massages and lattes
a-a-and Brett?

God, why do I keep getting
sucked back in

to your constant manipulation?

Dr. Bloom: Oh, a lot
of it's cultural.

Many of my Jewish clients
feel manipulated

by their parents.Oh, shut up!

I have finally found a place
where I feel good.

And I'm gonna stay there
for as long

as I keep feeling
that way.

And I can only hope
that each and every one of you

find a place like that
for yourselves.

It's not normal, Amanda.
Can you not see that?

No.

I mean, fine,
it's not a sex cult

and fine,
you're finding yourself

happily distracted
for a bit,

but you can't stay there
forever.

Why not?Come on. Be serious.

That's your future?

What's the big dream
there?

You become part
of the monarchy?

Ooh.
You're as pretty
as Meghan Markle.

There are plenty of ways
to grow there. Hmm?

And build...stuff.

Like what?

Opportunities
are everywhere there.

For real?

Yes, Nick,
you should get on it,

because it's seriously
like a second

before it comes mainstream.

It is gonna be the Renaissance
of the Renaissance Festival,

and I am gonna be
a part of it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mandy, you'll -- you'll --
you'll come back

for the high holidays,
right?

Probably. Yes.

I'll send you my bill.

Mama,
do you wish I was a girl?

Are you asking me because
you wish you were a girl?

No. I like being a boy.

This is about the party,
isn't it?

Will I get
a period party?

No, sweetie.
Because boys don't get periods.

But someday,
you're gonna wake up

from a very special dream

and we're gonna have
an even bigger party.

Okay?

Okay.

Mmm!

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

Ooh! Diggin' the tie.

Very fancy.

Oh! I'm supposed to bring you
to the kitchen.

Okay.

♪♪

Okay, straight?

Okay.

Where am I going,
honey?

Straight.
Okay.

All: Surprise!

Callie: It's your period party,
Delilah.

And I really am having
my period.

[ Laughter ]Amazing.

Happy womanhood,
my lovely friend.

I'm fine, honey.

It's just hormones.

I know.

♪♪

Godspeed, pig.
Now go forth and nourish.

[ Oinks ]

These look bitchin'.

I haven't seen
this much female anatomy

since my parents sent me
to conversion camp.

Juan Andrés: It's like
an off-Broadway production

of the "Jack the Ripper"
musical.

[ Shudders ]

Back to my tent?

Yep.

♪♪

♪♪

So what happened
after I left?

I told her we'd go
and look at middle school.

Just look.

That's fine.

Fine like fine?
Or fine like fine.

Really fine.

I'm still not sure.
Can we use a different word?

I'm willing to go look
at middle school.

But if I hear them say
the word "standardized,"

we're out of there.

She kept the phone?

It's okay, I set up
all the parental controls.

After she showed me how.

Hey.

I...

Ah.

I cannot thank you guys
enough.

Especially you, Lulu.

It's piñata time.Oh! Let me at it.

What gross thing
is in that piñata anyway?

Menstrual cups?

Whoo!

[ Cheering ]

Chocolate. You get a free pass
once a month.

It's the upside.
Go get some.

Amanda: Thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Whoa

What?

Coming where?

What's with
all the happy noise?

Breeze got
her first period.

So they're throwing a party
for Delilah.

Ugh. Thank God
that's all behind me.

Ugh! What a nightmare.

I think
it's kind of beautiful.

Well, of course you do.
[ Laughs ]

Hey. Want to howl at the moonwith me?

I feel like that's a cultural
appropriation of wolves.

Afraid I have to pass.

[ Groans ]
Oh, my God.

Ugh! This Wi-Fi sucks.

I gotta post a video
of that giant vagina

getting beaten
to death.

I feel like
that's wrong.

So wrong!
That's why it's hilarious.

And goodnight.

Oh. Hi, Miss Maggie.

[ Scoffs ] Miss. Mizz.
Mizz Maggie. Spinster.

You know
what that means?

It sounds cool.
Like a deejay or something?

It does sound cool,
doesn't it?

I'm a spinster.

Cool.

Don't focus on the bleeding
and the pain.

There's beauty in this thing
called womanhood.

A lot of beauty.

Plus I got a phone.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

It just went through!

Ooh.

And I got my first "like."

Huzzah.

"I count myself in nothing else
so happy,

As in a soul remembering
my good friends."

Okay.

[ Door closes ]

Brian: Hello?

♪♪

Hello?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Juan Andrés: Brian?

Comin' back?

Yes.

Hey, you wanna watch
some more Kurosawa tonight?

She's gone...to live...

with your kind.

At least for now.

She claims to be happy.

Does she seem happy
to you?

Yeah. She does.

Okay.

Well, I guess
that's a good thing.

I'm gonna go to bed now.

Um....it was
a very long train trip.

Would it be okay
if I used your bathroom?

Do whatever you like.

♪♪

Ooh.

♪ You look so good, good, good

♪ When you do that swing thing

♪ Lookin' so good, good, good

♪ Swing your thing

♪ Swing it

♪♪

[ Cellphone chimes ]

♪♪

♪ You look so good, good, good

♪ When you do that swing thing

♪ You look so good, good, good

♪ Swing it, swing it,
swing that thing ♪

♪ Swing thing

♪ Swing it, swing it,
swing that thing ♪

♪ You look so good, good, good

♪ Swing it, swing it,
swing that thing ♪

♪ Swing your thing

♪ Swing it, swing it,
swing that thing ♪

♪ You look so good, good, good

[ Laughs ]

No effing way!

O0 C1♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪