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The following
presentation is rated 18A.
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This presentation deals
with mature subject matter
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and contains scenes
with coarse language,
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nudity, sexuality, and violence.
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Viewer discretion is advised.
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NARRATOR: Previously on
What Would Sal do?
7
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:26,944
Anyway, Nicole,
as I was saying my retainer
is for typical new clients.
8
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,547
But I don't see anything
typical about you.
9
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,770
So how did we do financially?
10
00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:34,507
I think you actually
lost money. Oh.
11
00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:36,559
Listen, I don't need you
believing this shit too, okay?
12
00:00:36,645 --> 00:00:37,855
I'm not... Just so... Don't.
13
00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:39,560
I'm not. Don't do it. Don't want it.
14
00:00:39,648 --> 00:00:40,648
I'm a non-believer. Good.
15
00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:42,426
Just stay away from Joe.
16
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,740
Leena, Joe is not
interested in me anymore.
17
00:00:45,828 --> 00:00:47,738
It's not Joe
I'm worried about.
18
00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:49,010
My stepdad
actually loved tigers.
19
00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:50,532
Yeah.
20
00:00:50,615 --> 00:00:52,305
And he molested me.
21
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,360
Things are looking up
around here, I can feel it.
22
00:00:54,445 --> 00:00:56,395
[STATUE SHATTERING]
23
00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:58,231
Daryl and I are moving
in together.
24
00:00:58,319 --> 00:01:00,019
You're making a big
mistake, Daryl's a
fuck-face goof-shit!
25
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:02,413
[WHISPERING] What the fuck?
26
00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:13,935
[MOANING]
27
00:01:21,037 --> 00:01:22,777
[MOANING]
28
00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,605
[GASPING] Come here.
29
00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:34,572
[GASPING]
30
00:01:36,748 --> 00:01:37,618
[MOANING]
31
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:40,804
[PHONE RINGING]
32
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:42,363
[MOANING]
33
00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:43,540
[SIGHING]
34
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:45,405
[PHONE RINGING]
35
00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:48,672
Holy mackerel.
36
00:01:50,762 --> 00:01:52,502
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hey, you've reached Leena.
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00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:53,590
I'm not available,
leave a message.
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00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:54,768
[BEEPING]
39
00:02:00,032 --> 00:02:01,342
Holy fuck.
40
00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:11,307
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
41
00:02:32,543 --> 00:02:33,853
Father Luke,
what's going on?
42
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:36,156
Ah, boys,
thanks for coming
so quickly.
43
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:37,463
What's the emergency?
44
00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:40,248
Not emergency, opportunity.
45
00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:41,944
Maybe the biggest
of my career.
46
00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:43,731
Bishop Galloway's
coming and I'm pretty
sure he's bringing
47
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:44,815
the letter
of recommendation for Bishop.
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00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:46,863
Speaking of opportunities,
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00:02:46,949 --> 00:02:48,689
Sal's killin' it
with the good deeds. Tell him
what we did yesterday.
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00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:51,167
Yeah, yeah, so I was buying
my Proline tickets, right?
51
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,558
And these two kids come up
to me and they ask
if I can buy them some vodka.
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00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:54,871
Now I know, that's illegal. Good.
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00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:57,087
So, I tell 'em,
"Fuck yeah."No.
54
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,397
I call Vince up,
I say, "Get out
of your exam, buddy."
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00:02:58,482 --> 00:03:01,012
I told them I had lupus.
I hope I don't have lupus.
56
00:03:01,093 --> 00:03:03,493
Anyways, we put them
into Vince's car and we drive
them to this remote field.
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00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:05,324
So kidnapping? No, no...
58
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:07,752
'Cause if they wanna
get into your trunk,
that's not kidnapping.
59
00:03:07,839 --> 00:03:09,319
Why would they want
to get in your trunk?
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00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,496
These kids wanted vodka
so bad we could've
made them to anything.
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00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:13,192
So we drove them
into this remote field,
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00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,370
made them drink
a bunch of vodka,
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00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,546
and watched them stumble
around and puke their brains
out for like a fucking hour.
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00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,112
How is this anything?
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00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:25,637
Jesus turned water into wine,
I turned vodka into a lesson.
How do you not see that?
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00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,077
I see that. Okay.
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00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:28,903
You wanna do a good deed?
An actual good deed?
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00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:31,081
Help me get Jesus
down off that cross.
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00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:33,467
Bishop Galloway cannot see
that he has a broken face.
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00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,351
Well look, I kinda
like him better without
the face, anyways.
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00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:36,652
He looks less dying.
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00:03:36,738 --> 00:03:38,908
Guys, I really need your help.
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00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:41,611
I have so much to do.
I haven't even written
my sermon yet.
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00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:44,399
I can't even stick around.
I gotta take my uncle
for a haircut.
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00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:45,745
Yeah, I was gonna do
the Vince's uncle
haircut thing too.
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00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:48,488
Sal, I really need you here.
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00:03:48,576 --> 00:03:50,356
Relax, when I'm full of Jesus,
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00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:51,837
I'm gonna haunt
Big-shit Galloway into
giving you his job.
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00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:53,189
[SIGHS]
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00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:58,405
Nice save, Chooch.
81
00:03:58,499 --> 00:03:59,939
Oh, that wasn't a save.
I actually have
to grab my uncle.
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00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:01,422
Oh, gross.
83
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:03,812
Yeah, it's
his yearly
surprise party
84
00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:05,585
so they make me
kill time with him
until they're ready.
85
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,380
Man, that sounds
boring as fuck.
86
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:09,474
Yeah, that's why
they make me do it.
87
00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:11,213
Can I say something
about your family?
With love, of course.
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00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:12,564
Sure. They're cunts.
89
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,603
Yeah. Yeah.
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00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:16,819
I mean, they treat you like
the kid who counts
steamboats in football.
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00:04:16,908 --> 00:04:19,388
He's a useless piece of shit
but you have to make him
feel included.
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00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:20,996
You always made me
count steamboats in football.
93
00:04:21,086 --> 00:04:21,826
And you were great at it.
94
00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:26,658
Look, I'm just happy
you're coming with me. Oh, no, no, no.
95
00:04:26,744 --> 00:04:28,314
I'm not going.
I was just saying that
to get out of helping.
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00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:31,098
No, you gotta come. I'm not going.
97
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:32,583
You know how hard
it is for me to be alone
with my family, please.
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00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:35,137
I'll owe you.
99
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:37,801
You don't have
to owe me, but um...
100
00:04:38,974 --> 00:04:40,194
I'll take 20 bucks.
101
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,720
Money up front? That's the policy.
102
00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:46,759
You don't any
new twenties in there? Uh...
103
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,031
Yeah, I'll trade it in... I'll hold on to
this one until then, okay?
104
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:50,806
I love those new twenties.Yeah, sure.
105
00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:59,041
Hey, how old's your uncle?
106
00:04:59,124 --> 00:05:01,614
I lost count but he's old.
107
00:05:01,692 --> 00:05:03,042
If I ever get so old
that I have to shit in a bag,
108
00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:03,868
I'm gonna need you
to end me, okay?
109
00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:06,443
What about a grocery bag?
110
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:09,093
What do you mean,
"What about a grocery bag?"
111
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,438
Like, if I'm in public
and I can't find a toilet
but I have to take a shit,
112
00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:14,178
and I've got a grocery bag,
I'll shit in that bag.
113
00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:17,140
Where would you be where you
can't find a public toilet
but you have a grocery bag?
114
00:05:17,229 --> 00:05:18,409
Camping. Camping you just
shit on the ground.
115
00:05:18,492 --> 00:05:21,022
No. [SNIFFING]
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00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:21,933
Yeah, you do.
It's the outdoors,
you just shit on the ground.
117
00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:23,627
Take nothing but a picture,
118
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:26,944
leave nothing but a footprint.
119
00:05:27,022 --> 00:05:28,502
I'm not gonna lie to you.
That's fucking beautiful.
What's that from?
120
00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:29,719
Let's get this over with.
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00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:30,587
VINCE: Oh, hey.
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00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,159
Let me help you in the car.
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00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:35,635
I can still walk.
124
00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:36,156
There you go. Jack off.
125
00:05:37,249 --> 00:05:38,769
You remember Sal?Yo.
126
00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:40,380
He's gonna come with us.
127
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,040
I thought we'd take you
for a nice fresh haircut.
128
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:44,214
Oh, let's cut
the shit, Victor.Vince.
129
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,130
We do this every year.
It's a surprise party.
130
00:05:47,042 --> 00:05:48,912
I know it.
I hate it.
131
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,050
It's the worst day
of my year, every year.
132
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:54,353
I'm old and dying and lonely.
133
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,011
What the fuck
is there to celebrate?
134
00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:57,054
Hey, do you shit in a bag?
135
00:05:58,401 --> 00:05:59,971
Only if I'm camping.
136
00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:00,835
Take nothing
but a picture, right.
137
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:03,058
What's wrong with him?
138
00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:05,802
Let's go, we should go.
139
00:06:05,887 --> 00:06:07,577
You wanna do
something nice for me?
140
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:08,761
Let's go to the bar.
141
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:11,722
One drink.
142
00:06:11,806 --> 00:06:12,846
Let me feel alive again.
143
00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,507
More alive
than a nice
fresh haircut?
144
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,203
Vince, come here.
Come here, come here,
come here.
145
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:20,080
[WHISPERING] Absolutely
fucking not.
146
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:21,902
Did you hear
what he just said?
147
00:06:21,990 --> 00:06:23,950
He wants to feel alive again.
So what do you think that is?
148
00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:24,725
Shit. I think that's a sign.
149
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:27,596
Okay, well I want
my 20 bucks back.
150
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:29,001
What's my policy?
151
00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:30,434
No returns, refunds
or take backs.
152
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:31,910
So my hands are tied. Okay.
153
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,390
One drink.We'll play that by ear.
154
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:36,701
HAROLD: I'm shotgun.Fuck, you were supposed
to get in the back.
155
00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:38,007
HAROLD: You get in the back.
156
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,443
Before your lungs...
157
00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:40,399
[PHONE RINGING]
158
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:46,544
Hello. LEENA: Maria, it's Leena.
159
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:47,283
What are you doing?
160
00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:48,969
Leena.
161
00:06:49,452 --> 00:06:50,852
Hi.
162
00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:53,632
Uh. Oh, I was just um,
163
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,370
making some food
for the week.
164
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:58,810
Gonna run the vacuum
over the... Grab your coat.
165
00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:02,856
What? I'm gonna take you out.
I'll be there in five minutes.
166
00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:06,899
But, Leena...
167
00:07:06,991 --> 00:07:07,911
[DIAL TONE RINGING]
168
00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:16,174
[SIRENS WAILING]
169
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:18,131
I used to have
a buddy in the army,
170
00:07:18,220 --> 00:07:20,570
who we called the Piss Bomb.
171
00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:23,137
I have no clue what that means
but I fucking love it.
172
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:25,835
He'd hold his foreskin
shut while he pissed,
173
00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:28,103
his foreskin would balloon,
174
00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:30,536
like that thing
on a frog's throat.
175
00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,024
Vocal sac. [CHUCKLES]
176
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:35,981
Is he always
this much fun? I know, right.
177
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:39,764
Anyway, when it
was at full capacity,
178
00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:43,720
he'd let it go and the piss
would explode all over us.
179
00:07:43,811 --> 00:07:44,731
[LAUGHING]
180
00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:46,679
But we were all naked
181
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:48,421
in the shower,
182
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:51,124
so nobody minded.
183
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,690
He died.
184
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:57,001
Nut cancer.
185
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,743
Okay. Wanna go?
186
00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:04,139
Hey, Sal.
187
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:05,352
Do people still
say, "Pussy"? Totally.
188
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,746
God, you're a pussy!
189
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,355
[LAUGHING]
190
00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:11,485
HAROLD: Try and relax.
Be more like Sal, here.
191
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:13,188
Come on.
192
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:14,795
Oh, shit. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
193
00:08:14,885 --> 00:08:15,755
Ah, man...
194
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:18,498
Ah, shit.
195
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:21,495
I didn't mean to... He's a sensitive guy,
that Vince.
196
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,198
Yeah, I know.
He's a good guy, too.
197
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,681
Yeah, he is.
198
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:29,547
He's just such a pussy,
you know?
199
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:32,639
I do. You know what, though?
I'm gonna uh, I'm gonna go
smooth things over with him.
200
00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:35,909
Okay? Just make sure he's... I want you to know.
201
00:08:35,993 --> 00:08:39,173
I haven't felt this happy
since before my wife passed.
202
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:41,037
I'm glad. She was the love of my life.
203
00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:43,223
You got a girlfriend, Sal?
204
00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:45,872
[SIGHS]
205
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,270
No. No, I don't.
206
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,973
There's this one
girl, though, but... But nothing.
207
00:08:57,232 --> 00:08:58,412
Love's the only
thing that matters, Sal.
208
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:02,413
The only thing.
209
00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:05,068
I still remember the lake,
it's not too far from
here actually,
210
00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:07,759
where I first made
love with my wife.
211
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:09,591
Oh.Yeah.
212
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,769
Not a day goes by
when I don't think
about that and smile.
213
00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:17,989
[SOBBING]
214
00:09:18,079 --> 00:09:21,519
I can't tell you how much
I miss having my dink sucked.
215
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:27,915
Do people still say, "Dink"?
216
00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:31,574
Mmm-hmm. We do.
217
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:33,308
Mmm-hmm.
218
00:09:35,183 --> 00:09:36,233
I'm sorry about this.
219
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,974
It's okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
220
00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:40,927
It's okay. Yeah, don't uh...
221
00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:45,318
Don't sweat it.
You know, I'm gonna go see
how Vince is doing, okay?
222
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:46,110
I'll just give you
a minute here.
223
00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:55,293
[CLEARS THROAT]
224
00:10:00,295 --> 00:10:03,425
LUKE: God helps those
who help themselves.
225
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:06,304
Ambition...
226
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:07,955
Uh...
227
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:12,565
But God will not help
you if you don't go for it.
228
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,435
That's not even in the Bible,
but someone said it.
229
00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:16,401
Oprah, probably.
230
00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:18,842
LUKE: Uh...
231
00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,397
But...
232
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:24,230
Uh, all boats rise
with the tides.
233
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:30,334
Also not in the Bible,
but Jesus was a fisherman
so it's in the wheelhouse.
234
00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:35,293
Ambition is not bad.
235
00:10:35,373 --> 00:10:38,773
Ambition should be
the cornerstone
of Christian life.
236
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,935
Our reach should
always exceed our grasp,
237
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,902
or what is a heaven for?
238
00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:47,646
Why that's not in the Bible,
I'll never understand.
239
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,208
So good. So good.
240
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:53,480
But you know what is
in the Bible?
241
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:56,129
Let us pray.
242
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:07,535
You know, this salon
was run by a different owner
a couple of years ago.
243
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:12,193
A woman, a Korean,
Chinese, one of those,
you get the picture.
244
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:16,944
She was the sweetest,
sweetest woman.
245
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:20,464
She was just a kind
and loving, gentle soul,
246
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:22,769
and she'd shuffle around
with her bound little feet,
bring you tea.
247
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:24,206
So I come in one day,
248
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:26,642
police are everywhere.
249
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,689
Turns out she's
using the salon
for money laundering!
250
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:32,560
You think you know somebody.
251
00:11:34,171 --> 00:11:35,261
Mmm-hmm.
252
00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:39,002
This is ridiculous.
253
00:11:39,089 --> 00:11:41,349
What is? Us.
254
00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:44,569
I mean, I feel like
I barely know you.
I feel like we're strangers.
255
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:46,310
And I know
what you're thinking.
I know.
256
00:11:46,401 --> 00:11:47,621
And you're right.
257
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,397
It's my fault.
258
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:52,364
No. Yes, Maria.
259
00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:55,628
I've always been jealous.
260
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:56,495
You were
Mom and Dad's favorite.
261
00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:58,544
Their pride and joy.
262
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:02,852
Oh, that's not true. Oh, come on.
263
00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:04,769
[SCOFFING]
264
00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:06,684
And when you got
pregnant, I thought,
265
00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:09,639
"Okay, now they're
gonna stop worshipping
you." But no.
266
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,599
They didn't even care
who the father was.
267
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,726
I mean,
268
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,470
you could do no wrong.
269
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:16,910
You know?
And me, on the other hand...
270
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:21,476
Well, they didn't know what
to do with you.
271
00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:24,086
I mean, I was responsible,
you were rebellious.
272
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:26,272
I was just easier.
273
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:31,270
I need to apologize for Joe.
274
00:12:33,448 --> 00:12:35,018
I love him now, I do.
275
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:38,763
But I only went after him
to hurt you.
276
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:40,275
That's how jealous I was.
277
00:12:40,368 --> 00:12:42,718
And it's not an excuse,
but I'm sorry.
278
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,303
Look, he didn't mean
anything by it, okay?
279
00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,649
He doesn't know
how to talk to you.
280
00:13:01,737 --> 00:13:05,257
Oh, yeah, yeah...
After years?
281
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,179
He doesn't know how
to talk to me but
he knows how to talk to you?
282
00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:08,614
Yeah, well...Everybody knows how
to talk to Sal.
283
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,530
I don't know,
Harold and I, it's just...
284
00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:12,095
It's kinda what I imagine
having a dad would feel like.
285
00:13:12,182 --> 00:13:14,232
Really?Yeah.
286
00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:16,445
Look, I know that you wish
more than anything that
you had a dad
287
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:18,364
but you actually
got off really easy.
288
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:19,759
You don't understand.
289
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:22,452
I know, I know you're saying
that because,
290
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,410
all the stuff your
stepdad, making you run
naked through sprinklers.
291
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,200
No. Sal! No, it's not
the time to talk about this. Okay...
292
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:28,944
I'll let you know when
I want to talk about that.
293
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,025
SAL: Whenever you're ready,
okay? I'm here for you.
294
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:32,554
I would like to leave.
We're on a time schedule,
we have to leave.
295
00:13:32,637 --> 00:13:34,637
We can't leave, yet, okay?
296
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,336
Just give him
one more chance, please. One more chance for what?
297
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:37,864
You wanna take me
out there so he can
call me a pussy again.
298
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:40,557
He won't call you
a pussy again. He won't.
299
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,905
I wanna go, okay? We can't go yet,
I haven't done my thing.
300
00:13:42,996 --> 00:13:44,076
What thing are you
talking about? My...
301
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:47,133
My good deed,
my miracle thing.
302
00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:48,867
I don't think
it's happened yet.
303
00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:49,788
Well, maybe this one
isn't about you.
304
00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:53,353
You're right.
305
00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:55,272
This one's about Harold.
306
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,396
No. What?
307
00:13:58,489 --> 00:14:01,229
Look, okay,
it's about Harold, okay?
308
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:04,408
And I know that I have
to find something good
to do for him, right?
309
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:06,795
Shit. It's like that guy,
like Loretta and Ace.
310
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:08,499
Remember, you were telling
me about...Sal... Sal...
311
00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:09,936
[GLASS SHATTERING]Oh shit. Hey.
312
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:11,373
WOMAN: Stop it!
Don't... Stop it!
313
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:13,329
HAROLD: Come on, you pussy. SAL: Let's go, Vince.
314
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:16,197
[HAROLD YELLING]
315
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:26,688
[CLEARS THROAT]
316
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,127
Here we are.
317
00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:30,696
Yeah, here we are.
318
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:35,047
I don't recognize myself.
319
00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:37,085
Oh, no?
320
00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:38,660
Why not? Well, I don't usually
treat myself.
321
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:40,269
Oh.
322
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:43,836
But this was
long overdue. It was.
323
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:45,540
Yeah.
324
00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:49,278
It's too bad
that it's never
gonna happen again.
325
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:51,502
Because
326
00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:55,981
you slept with Joe.
327
00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:57,419
No... Leena, I...
328
00:14:58,680 --> 00:14:59,720
I can explain... No, you can't.
329
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:04,862
You fucked my
husband in my bed.
330
00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:07,037
[HORN HONKING]
331
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,433
It wasn't like that. How was it, then?
332
00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:11,913
Leena, Joe and I were in love.
333
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:12,688
And then you got pregnant.
334
00:15:14,522 --> 00:15:16,262
You didn't deserve him, Maria.
335
00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:18,660
You fucking cow.
336
00:15:18,743 --> 00:15:22,493
It was either this,
or I bash your
fucking face in.
337
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,233
So I think
I'm being nice.
338
00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:25,584
I think you should thank me.
339
00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:27,323
And I think
you should thank me.
340
00:15:27,404 --> 00:15:29,584
For showing you
what it feels like
341
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:32,367
to have your own sister
screw the love of your life
right under your nose.
342
00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:35,673
Get out my car!
Get out! Get out!
343
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,940
Get out of my life
and stay away from
my husband!
344
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:40,155
I'm not the one
you should be worried about.
345
00:15:40,896 --> 00:15:42,376
Leena! Leena!
346
00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:43,463
We're not done here.
347
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:47,474
[TIRES SCREECHING]
348
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:51,429
You okay? Yeah.
349
00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:53,685
I'm good.
Are you? You good? Yeah. Yeah
350
00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:56,478
I can't believe I've been
in three fights since you
turned into Jesus.
351
00:15:56,564 --> 00:15:59,184
I can't believe he offered
a thousand bucks
for a blow job.
352
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,922
In front of her
boyfriend, too. I can't believe she said yes.
353
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:04,144
SAL: Are you kidding me?
A thousand bucks for
a blow job?
354
00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:04,924
I'm not saying
I would've done it, but... [MOANING]
355
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:07,488
There's a good
chance I would've done it.
356
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:09,661
Oh.VINCE: Okay.
357
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,060
We can still make this party.
358
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:14,626
Can we go after this?
Have you got your miracle?
359
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:16,582
No, that was all him.
360
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:17,591
I got something else
in mind for my miracle.
361
00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:21,334
Pretty impressive dink.
362
00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:22,845
[CHUCKLING] You're too kind.
363
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:24,723
[MOANING]
364
00:16:25,462 --> 00:16:27,292
Mmm.
365
00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:29,377
I see the statue
of Jesus is down
off the cross.
366
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:33,303
Yes, uh,
it's being repainted.
367
00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,433
You know, we're sprucing
the place up around here.
368
00:16:35,516 --> 00:16:36,596
Anything to get
people in the door.
369
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,521
Things have been tough,
I'm not gonna lie.
370
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:43,219
Well, you don't have to.
I've seen you're
balance sheets.
371
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:45,736
[CHUCKLING] Well...
372
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:49,010
You know, uh,
the community is becoming
increasingly diverse.
373
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,835
It can be very
difficult to get people
through that door.
374
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:52,662
People are people.
375
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,490
And they will
always need the Lord.
376
00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:57,188
True, but being Muslims,
377
00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:59,837
many of them don't need
the Lord that we're serving.
378
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:01,891
I see. Mmm-hmm.
379
00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:06,197
Well, "Blessed is he who
perseveres in times of trial,
380
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:12,336
"for when he has passed
the test, the crown of life
shall be given to him by God."
381
00:17:12,422 --> 00:17:14,772
Oh, so that is
why you're here.
382
00:17:14,859 --> 00:17:16,509
I get it.
The crown, the letter.
383
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:17,730
[CHUCKLING] What letter?
384
00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:19,039
Well, the...
The letter, the...
385
00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:23,041
The letter of recommendation
for Bishop. No.
386
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:25,439
No, that is not
why I'm here.
387
00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:27,792
No? You're church is
hemorrhaging money.
388
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:29,742
Well, that's not my fault.
389
00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:31,881
Yes it is,
you are the parish priest.
390
00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:33,843
There's more to
this job than money.
391
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:36,712
Oh, no, you're right.
There's insurance,
there's a new roof.
392
00:17:36,794 --> 00:17:38,494
There's salaries,
benefits...
393
00:17:38,579 --> 00:17:40,759
I'm talking about miracles.
394
00:17:43,714 --> 00:17:44,454
Do you know
what's wrong with you, Luke?
395
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:46,845
No.
396
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:48,939
Please enlighten me, Kevin.
397
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:54,069
You're always thinking
about big ideas
398
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,730
while missing the everyday
little things that are right
there in front of your face.
399
00:17:57,815 --> 00:18:01,165
Mmm-hmm. And you know what?
400
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:02,954
You wouldn't have gotten
through seminary school
if it wasn't for me.
401
00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:05,298
Well that is a lie.Oh, really?
402
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:07,298
Try telling that to
the prostitute that
you made me drive back
403
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:08,700
from Barrie in my Volvo.
404
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,183
It was a friend of mine. Oh, a friend of yours?
405
00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:11,483
Do you know what this
friend wanted to do to me?
406
00:18:11,568 --> 00:18:14,048
She wanted to give me
a Fleetwood Enema.
407
00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:15,826
Do you know what that is? Could you just...
408
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,530
Yes, I know what that is. She wanted to blow
cocaine up my bum.
409
00:18:18,619 --> 00:18:20,189
I know what it is. Up my bum.
410
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,493
Why? Why are you
talking about this? Up my bum!
411
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:25,839
Because I think
that you should show
a little bit more loyalty,
412
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,720
'cause I could ruin you.
413
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:30,632
Oh, yeah?
Then why don't
you do it then, all right?
414
00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:32,808
That's just what
the Catholic Church
needs right now.
415
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:34,114
I will. A little more controversy.
416
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,680
I'll do it. I will. Okay, do then.
417
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,586
Will you do it?Yes.
418
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:39,161
Do it then. Do you know
what's gonna happen? What?
419
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,898
I'm gonna get
a slap on the wrist
420
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:42,509
and then they're gonna
send me off,
421
00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:45,559
relocate me to
somewhere like
Banff or Victoria.
422
00:18:45,646 --> 00:18:46,996
And you know
what they'd do to you?
423
00:18:47,082 --> 00:18:50,172
They'd send you to some
disgusting shit hole,
424
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:53,739
some horrible church
in the middle of nowhere.
425
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:56,608
There are worst places
in the world than
Sudbury, my friend.
426
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:58,570
And I can find them.
427
00:18:59,399 --> 00:19:01,439
You are a monster.
428
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:03,101
Let's just cut
the shit, all right?Okay, then.
429
00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:05,835
A church does not run
on miracles.
430
00:19:05,927 --> 00:19:08,537
Miracles do not
pay the bills.Really?
431
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:11,015
This entire institution
was built on miracles.
432
00:19:11,106 --> 00:19:12,666
No!
433
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:16,330
It was built on
fucking money!
434
00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:19,286
And until you get
that through your
thick, fucking head,
435
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:21,155
you will never be a Bishop!
436
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:35,174
[DOOR SLAMMING]
437
00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:43,969
You know, it's been years
since I've been in
a real good bar fight.
438
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:45,922
You know, this was Vince's
first bar fight?
439
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,400
Yeah, that's why
I peed my pants.
440
00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:50,101
Yeah, that so grossed
them out, I think that's
what won us the fight.
441
00:19:59,502 --> 00:20:00,462
This is it.
442
00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:03,992
This is the exact spot
443
00:20:05,247 --> 00:20:06,987
where Carol and I
444
00:20:07,075 --> 00:20:08,075
made love for the first time.
445
00:20:10,165 --> 00:20:10,815
SAL: Nice.
446
00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:12,733
VINCE: Yeah, it's picturesque.
447
00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:14,735
SAL: The fuck's
pitcher-esque mean?
448
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,960
Picture. Like a pitcher?
449
00:20:18,042 --> 00:20:19,442
Picture. Picture?
450
00:20:19,522 --> 00:20:20,872
Yeah, it means beautiful,
like a picture.
451
00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:23,348
Then why not
just say, "Beautiful"?
452
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:26,439
'Cause I like to try
little new words out,
see how they fit.
453
00:20:26,529 --> 00:20:29,099
You know, I'd like to see
how you fit into a little
soundproof box
454
00:20:29,184 --> 00:20:30,364
so I wouldn't have to listen
to half the shit you say.
455
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:32,746
I'm sorry, fellas,
456
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,670
but would you mind
giving me a minute alone? Yeah, sure.
457
00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:35,705
Take all the
time you need. Hang on.
458
00:20:36,844 --> 00:20:37,934
Sal.
459
00:20:39,673 --> 00:20:41,073
You've given me
something that I
460
00:20:42,415 --> 00:20:43,545
never thought
I'd have again.
461
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:46,641
Happiness.
462
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:48,033
This has been one
of the best days of my life.
463
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:54,336
I mean, you come off
like such an asshole, but... Fuck, still?
464
00:20:54,427 --> 00:20:56,907
But there's something
special about you, Salvatore.
465
00:20:57,604 --> 00:20:58,654
I can see it.
466
00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:05,789
Hey, wait a minute.
467
00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:08,223
Come here.
468
00:21:10,094 --> 00:21:11,144
I'm sorry I wasn't
a better uncle.
469
00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:13,880
And that your
family's such a cunt.
470
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:17,926
But I'm glad I got to
know you a little bit.
471
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:21,448
I just wish it
hadn't taken me so long.
472
00:21:40,124 --> 00:21:42,744
VINCE: He hugged me hard.
473
00:21:42,823 --> 00:21:44,303
It's a fucking miracle. No, Vince.
That is not a miracle.
474
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:45,740
No, but that is, to me.
475
00:21:45,826 --> 00:21:46,696
That doesn't count, okay?
476
00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:49,656
I feel connected
to my family, right now.
477
00:21:49,743 --> 00:21:51,313
You feel connected
to one guy.
478
00:21:51,397 --> 00:21:53,137
I didn't feel connected
to any of them before.
479
00:21:53,224 --> 00:21:56,534
This is like a 100% increase. Okay, take it easy
Dr. Science.
480
00:21:56,619 --> 00:22:00,009
Well, if this isn't a miracle,
then like what is?
481
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:01,931
Time travel, the Lamborghini
Countach is a miracle. No, okay...
482
00:22:02,016 --> 00:22:02,836
Okay, both of
those are miracles.
483
00:22:04,453 --> 00:22:06,113
But, like, maybe a miracle
can be smaller, too.
484
00:22:09,850 --> 00:22:11,590
If you change
your perception of what
a miracle can be,
485
00:22:12,983 --> 00:22:13,853
you'll see them
all around you.
486
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:16,805
Did you just come up
with that, Vince?
487
00:22:18,075 --> 00:22:18,895
Jon Bon Jovi
came up with that.
488
00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:22,685
Jon Bon fucking Jovi. Yeah.
489
00:22:24,647 --> 00:22:25,867
This might be the beginning
for me and my family.
490
00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:28,606
[GUN FIRING]
491
00:22:36,572 --> 00:22:38,052
[PHONE RINGING]
492
00:22:41,534 --> 00:22:42,584
Hello.
493
00:22:44,928 --> 00:22:45,888
What?
494
00:22:48,236 --> 00:22:50,056
Oh... No, I'll be
right there.
495
00:22:55,069 --> 00:22:55,719
I can't believe
he had a gun.
496
00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:58,249
I know.
497
00:23:00,117 --> 00:23:00,857
Why didn't he take it out
during the fight?
498
00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:07,336
What?
499
00:23:07,429 --> 00:23:09,299
Look, while you were pissing
your pants I was getting
my ass kicked,
500
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:10,208
a gun would've really helped.
501
00:23:15,611 --> 00:23:17,051
So much for feeling
connected to somebody.
502
00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:28,760
[SOBBING]
503
00:23:35,631 --> 00:23:36,981
[CONTINUED SOBBING]
504
00:23:40,157 --> 00:23:41,067
We'll dry him off
and burn him like a Jedi,
how about it, huh?
505
00:23:41,811 --> 00:23:42,771
[SOBBING] Okay.
506
00:23:49,732 --> 00:23:50,822
Maria.
507
00:23:51,821 --> 00:23:53,431
Dr. Sue.
508
00:23:53,519 --> 00:23:55,429
Hi, thanks for seeing me
right away.
509
00:23:55,521 --> 00:23:57,311
I don't think
I could've waited
till morning.
510
00:23:57,392 --> 00:23:58,742
The test came back
from your mammogram,
511
00:23:58,828 --> 00:24:01,268
and we found a lump
on your right breast.
512
00:24:01,352 --> 00:24:02,792
A lump?We're gonna have to run
some more tests
513
00:24:02,876 --> 00:24:04,086
before we jump
to any conclusions.
514
00:24:06,183 --> 00:24:07,793
I know it's easy
for me to say,
but try not to...
515
00:24:07,881 --> 00:24:08,971
Holy shit.
516
00:24:09,665 --> 00:24:10,665
Worry.
517
00:24:12,146 --> 00:24:12,966
RAJANI: Father Luke?
518
00:24:19,153 --> 00:24:20,813
Just wondering if you need
anything from me tonight?
519
00:24:23,070 --> 00:24:26,070
[SIGHS] Rajani...
520
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,820
Did you know that when I
perform the blessing of the
wine and the host during mass,
521
00:24:29,903 --> 00:24:32,693
they become the body
and blood of Jesus Christ?
522
00:24:32,775 --> 00:24:34,115
Symbolically.No.
523
00:24:34,995 --> 00:24:36,945
Not symbolically.
524
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:38,650
That's just it.
It's the real thing.
525
00:24:39,608 --> 00:24:42,088
Transubstantiation.
526
00:24:42,176 --> 00:24:46,306
I can turn ordinary things
into special things.
527
00:24:47,660 --> 00:24:48,660
That's what I can do.
528
00:24:48,748 --> 00:24:50,008
Uh-huh? Yeah.
529
00:24:50,097 --> 00:24:50,877
And uh, what are you gonna
do with him?
530
00:24:54,971 --> 00:24:56,281
That's a very good question.
531
00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:04,851
Well, at least he went out
where and how he wanted to,
you know?
532
00:25:05,982 --> 00:25:08,202
Really pitcher-esque.
533
00:25:08,289 --> 00:25:09,199
Picture. I'm fucking trying, Vince.
534
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,301
I felt happy
for him, too.
535
00:25:16,210 --> 00:25:17,340
And then I felt
like shit.
536
00:25:18,865 --> 00:25:19,515
And I still do.
537
00:25:22,042 --> 00:25:22,912
I'm sorry, bud.
538
00:25:26,133 --> 00:25:27,443
[SIGHS]
539
00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:28,266
Um...
540
00:25:29,876 --> 00:25:30,346
Do you wanna
hang out for a while?
541
00:25:31,878 --> 00:25:32,308
Don't feel
like being alone.
542
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:35,450
Yeah, no worries, man.
As long as you need.
543
00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:37,274
[SNIFFING] Cool. I got you.
544
00:25:47,241 --> 00:25:48,761
ALL INSIDE: Surprise!
545
00:25:50,418 --> 00:25:51,418
SAL: Okay, now we got
a surprise for you guys.
40773
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