Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,395 --> 00:00:04,569
.
2
00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:08,399
- Abby's is filmed in front of
a live outdoor audience.
3
00:00:08,443 --> 00:00:10,358
- I'm telling you,
that video was staged.
4
00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:11,707
- And I'm telling you
5
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:13,491
if I can't trust a video
on the internet
6
00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:15,711
sent to me by my aunt's
friend's friend,
7
00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:18,105
then what can I trust?
8
00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:19,628
- What'd I miss?
9
00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:21,412
- James saw a video of a Corgi
riding a horse,
10
00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:23,849
and he finds it inspiring,
but Fred thinks it's fake.
11
00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:25,547
- A Corgi's legs are too small
12
00:00:25,590 --> 00:00:27,331
for it to mount a horse
without help.
13
00:00:27,375 --> 00:00:30,378
It'd be like a baby climbing
up on top of a Jeep.
14
00:00:30,421 --> 00:00:34,860
- No, it wouldn't, because the
baby and Jeep aren't friends.
15
00:00:34,904 --> 00:00:37,689
- This is like the opposite
of a think tank.
16
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:38,908
- Hey, Abby.
- Hey.
17
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,692
- I need a property tax
document
18
00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:44,174
that would've come in the mail.
Have you seen it?
19
00:00:44,218 --> 00:00:46,176
Wow, just ignoring me
I see.
20
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:48,265
Unless you can't hear me.
21
00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:51,051
Oh, my God.
Am I dead?
22
00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:53,053
- What?
- Thank God.
23
00:00:53,096 --> 00:00:54,924
I have an irrational
fear sometimes
24
00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:56,404
that I've become a ghost.
25
00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:57,970
It's called the
"Sixth Sense" Syndrome.
26
00:00:58,014 --> 00:01:00,364
Not common, but very real.
27
00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:02,105
- Sorry, my brain shuts down
28
00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:04,194
when I hear words
like tax or document.
29
00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:07,502
It's called the
Wesley Snipes Syndrome.
30
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:10,157
It's not real,
but it's common.
31
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,202
- All right, well,
have you seen anything
32
00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:13,377
with my name on it
come through the mail?
33
00:01:13,421 --> 00:01:14,683
- I'm not sure.
I haven't looked
34
00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:16,859
through it in a while,
but I'll go check.
35
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:19,818
- Hold on, I got a new theory
about the Corgi.
36
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:22,038
Maybe he used a ladder.
37
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:25,172
- Bill, will you explain
to James in engineery terms
38
00:01:25,215 --> 00:01:27,783
why a Corgi cannot climb
a ladder.
39
00:01:27,826 --> 00:01:29,350
- Ooh, this is gonna be
a fun one.
40
00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:31,352
So due to their
exaggerated frame,
41
00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:33,136
the Corgi's hind legs
42
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,790
can't support the weight
of the rest of the dog--
43
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:38,402
- Stop. Please, stop. Sorry,
I made a terrible mistake.
44
00:01:38,446 --> 00:01:40,839
- All right, whatever mail
you're looking for
45
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:43,320
is somewhere in here.
46
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:47,498
- Abby, is that a laundry
basket full of unopened mail?
47
00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:49,109
- Yeah, so?
- So?
48
00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:50,545
This is like what
the police find
49
00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:53,461
when they're one step
behind the serial killer.
50
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:05,125
Seriously, Abby,
how is this all unopened?
51
00:02:05,168 --> 00:02:06,691
- I don't know.
I'm busy. Whatever.
52
00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:08,693
Things just built up
in the last few days.
53
00:02:08,737 --> 00:02:12,610
- This coupon says, "Say
good-bye to 2016 in style."
54
00:02:12,654 --> 00:02:14,134
- All right,
so some of it's been
55
00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:15,613
in there a little bit longer.
56
00:02:15,657 --> 00:02:18,181
- Okay, from Marco's Mattress
alone
57
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:20,270
we have flyers from
the Grand Opening,
58
00:02:20,314 --> 00:02:22,490
Memorial Day,
The First Anniversary Sale,
59
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:25,493
and The Going Out
Of Business Sale.
60
00:02:25,536 --> 00:02:27,799
I find that very poignant.
61
00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:29,975
- Hey, Abby, at the risk of
sounding like my therapist,
62
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,977
what the hell's wrong with you?
63
00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:33,327
- I don't like opening mail.
64
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:34,806
Nothing good comes with
a stamp on it.
65
00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:36,852
Plus, if I leave it unopened
long enough
66
00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:39,202
I can just throw it away.
67
00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:40,943
- Please don't throw these
catalogues away.
68
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:43,554
I love them. Every page is
something new you can buy.
69
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:46,209
It's like a paper internet.
70
00:02:46,253 --> 00:02:47,732
- "Better With Age."
71
00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:51,214
I'm guessing this was
a subscription for Bill's aunt?
72
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,564
- Whoa, the font in this
magazine is huge.
73
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:56,872
It's like my mom's iPhone.
74
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:59,048
- Hey, this is the third
unopened bill
75
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:00,484
I found from
the power company.
76
00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:01,964
How do you keep the lights
on in this place?
77
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:03,226
- I pay it online.
78
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:06,925
- Well,
I do not trust the net.
79
00:03:06,969 --> 00:03:09,319
You can't hack these.
80
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:10,320
- You know,
I wouldn't have pegged you
81
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:11,843
as a custom check guy.
82
00:03:11,887 --> 00:03:13,976
What is that? An orca?
- Yeah, why?
83
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:15,891
You got a problem with that?
- Oh, no, I love it.
84
00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:17,849
- Yeah, that's worse.
85
00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:19,373
- Pizza slice sleeping bags?
86
00:03:19,416 --> 00:03:23,464
Guys, if we get six of these,
we could make a whole pie.
87
00:03:23,507 --> 00:03:24,987
I know what you're thinking.
88
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,207
Typically in a medium or large,
it's eight slices.
89
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,470
- That is not what
we were thinking.
90
00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:30,775
- Hold on a second.
91
00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,474
This one is addressed
to Abelarda.
92
00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:35,432
Oh, my God.
93
00:03:35,476 --> 00:03:36,999
Abby, is that your full name?
94
00:03:37,042 --> 00:03:40,959
That is so embarrassing!
In your face, Abelarda.
95
00:03:41,003 --> 00:03:43,701
Oh, man, I finally got
something I can razz you about.
96
00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:45,790
All right, everyone, I really
need some teamwork here.
97
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,227
Circle your razz wagons.
98
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:49,968
We're gonna razz the hell
out of her.
99
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,361
Come on, razzers.
100
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:54,625
Why haven't you circled
your razz wagons?
101
00:03:54,669 --> 00:03:56,236
- Never call me that again,
Bill.
102
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:59,369
- The only person that calls
her Abelarda is her father.
103
00:03:59,413 --> 00:04:01,023
That's a letter from her dad.
104
00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:03,373
- Oh, her father who she
doesn't get along with.
105
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,157
Oh, my God.
Abby, I'm so sorry.
106
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:07,334
I mean, in this world,
there are razzers
107
00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:09,118
and those who are meant
to be razzed,
108
00:04:09,161 --> 00:04:11,381
and I know I should know
my place.
109
00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:13,035
- Yeah, I'll just throw it
in the junk pile.
110
00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:14,515
- Abby, why?
111
00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:16,256
- I haven't spoken to my dad
in a year.
112
00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:18,388
If he's reaching out, it's
because he wants something.
113
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:20,216
'Cause he only cares
about himself.
114
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,218
Everything
is always about him.
115
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,916
For example,
he named me Abelarda.
116
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,570
His name is Abelardo,
117
00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:28,964
and Abelarda is not a name.
118
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:30,792
- Yeah, I am not a fan.
119
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,359
He stole my bike.
120
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:33,664
- James, you let him borrow it.
121
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,231
- He manipulated me!
I had a Huffy,
122
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,798
and it had a card
clipped on it
123
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:40,062
so it made the motorcycle sound
when it rolled down.
124
00:04:40,105 --> 00:04:42,282
- And he's always
hitting on me.
125
00:04:42,325 --> 00:04:44,893
It's...awful?
126
00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:46,808
- Yeah, he's the life
of the party,
127
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,636
but you can't count on him.
I was supposed to meet him once
128
00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:50,290
at a Chargers game.
When I got to my seat,
129
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,987
there's some
stranger sitting there
130
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:54,424
'cause Abelardo had scalped
his ticket in the parking lot.
131
00:04:54,468 --> 00:04:55,947
So instead I got stuck
with Craig,
132
00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,427
who couldn't wait
to tell me the truth
133
00:04:57,471 --> 00:04:58,994
about the moon landing.
134
00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:02,780
Did you know the real Neil
Armstrong is still up there?
135
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,218
- Last year,
he insisted on coming
136
00:05:06,262 --> 00:05:08,482
into town for my birthday,
so I finally caved,
137
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,614
we went to dinner,
and then after one drink,
138
00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,442
he ditched me for
the flirty hostess
139
00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:15,967
who said he had soulful eyes.
So we're not talking right now.
140
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:17,882
- I'm sorry, Abby.
- Oh, it's all right.
141
00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:19,754
That's why that goes
in the junk pile.
142
00:05:19,797 --> 00:05:21,321
- Wait--whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on a second here.
143
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:22,757
I mean,
what if this is important?
144
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,149
You know, could be an apology.
145
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:25,673
Could be, like,
a newspaper clipping
146
00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:26,978
from a kid you went
to school with.
147
00:05:27,022 --> 00:05:28,458
At least that's what
my parents sent me.
148
00:05:28,502 --> 00:05:30,242
It's like, "Okay, Dad,
149
00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:31,983
Tim Overton's
a big shot at Zillow."
150
00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:33,507
I get it.
151
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:36,466
- The only thing in here, Bill,
is disappointment.
152
00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,686
Let me show you.
153
00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:45,562
It's a check for $287.
154
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:49,436
- Sea otter.
That's a solid choice.
155
00:05:55,311 --> 00:05:55,485
.
156
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:58,140
- I know it's not gonna make
a lot of sense,
157
00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:03,188
but a part of me was hoping
that my bike was in there.
158
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:06,453
There's one in this catalogue
that can fit in a purse.
159
00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:10,544
- Why is he sending you a check
for $287.50?
160
00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:11,980
- I have no idea.
161
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:14,156
I didn't even know he had
a bank account.
162
00:06:14,199 --> 00:06:16,985
Although, National City Credit
Union and Boxing Supply
163
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:19,335
doesn't sound super legitimate.
164
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,206
- So there was no note,
just the check?
165
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,600
- Just the check.
Dated three weeks ago.
166
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:26,168
- Such a specific amount.
It has to be for something.
167
00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:27,474
- I don't care, Bill.
168
00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:29,171
You wanna know what this
check is about?
169
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:30,651
It's about him letting himself
off the hook.
170
00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:33,175
If I cash this check,
it'll be like I'm saying,
171
00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:35,090
"I forgive you, Dad.
I guess you were
172
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:36,613
"at my high school graduation
173
00:06:36,657 --> 00:06:40,225
and not playing pai gow
at a casino in Tijuana."
174
00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:42,010
- Yeah, but, Abby,
isn't forgiveness
175
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,664
an important part
of any healthy lifestyle?
176
00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:47,929
I mean, look, I was bullied
by the same guy for 14 years.
177
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:52,150
Just last month, I was
an usher at his wedding.
178
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:54,370
- You worked at your
bully's wedding?
179
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,981
- Well, now...
I wasn't working there.
180
00:06:57,025 --> 00:06:59,506
I just handed out programs,
you know?
181
00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:03,205
I guess I did end up bartending
for a little while as well.
182
00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:05,903
Come to think of it, I helped
the DJ pack up his equipment.
183
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:08,776
I was taken advantage of.
184
00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:11,692
But the point is, it
might be time to forgive him.
185
00:07:11,735 --> 00:07:14,608
- I'm not gonna forgive
my dad for $287.50.
186
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:16,610
It doesn't come close
to covering it
187
00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:18,960
if that's even what
he's trying to do.
188
00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:21,223
- "Better With Age"
says that people try
189
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:24,487
to reconcile with loved ones
in their twilight years,
190
00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:27,055
and oh, my God,
this font is so big
191
00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:29,361
this magazine
only has one article in it.
192
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,668
- Beth, you're with me, right?
You love a grudge.
193
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:33,975
You make us drive 3 miles
to the other McDonald's
194
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:35,629
because the cashier
at the McDonald's nearby
195
00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,021
called you ma'am.
196
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:40,285
- I do love a grudge...
197
00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,070
but I don't know on this one.
198
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:44,246
Parenting is really hard.
You make mistakes,
199
00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:47,641
and you just hope
that your kids forgive you
200
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:49,643
for whatever bad things you do.
201
00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:51,166
For example,
202
00:07:51,209 --> 00:07:54,735
spending half their childhood
at the bar next door.
203
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:57,564
- I hear you, Beth, but some
dads just aren't that great.
204
00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:01,089
When I was 12 years old,
I hooked a marlin,
205
00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:02,743
and instead of helping me
reel it in,
206
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,875
my dad just watched
as I got yanked overboard.
207
00:08:04,919 --> 00:08:06,181
- Maybe he was trying
to teach you
208
00:08:06,224 --> 00:08:08,139
a valuable lesson
about self-reliance?
209
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,706
- Yeah, sure, Bill.
210
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,926
Well, him and his drinking
buddies were laughing at me,
211
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:13,362
but maybe he thought
it was funny
212
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:16,365
how self-reliant
I was gonna get.
213
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:18,062
- My parents escaped
the revolution in Iran
214
00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:19,673
and had to get smuggled
across Europe.
215
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:22,153
When they got here,
they had $35 between them
216
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:23,459
and they knew no one.
217
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,113
My mom and my dad
both worked two jobs
218
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:27,419
to put me and my brother
through college.
219
00:08:27,463 --> 00:08:31,467
But, oh, they can be
so annoying sometimes.
220
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,251
- Wish I had a bad parent
story to tell,
221
00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:36,341
but Jim and Louise are lovely,
just the best.
222
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,649
They were very supportive when
my bike was stolen recently.
223
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:41,651
- Look, Abby,
I know it's complicated,
224
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:43,479
but he's your dad.
You know, and I don't know
225
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,307
what he was trying
to say with this check,
226
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:46,830
but he was trying
to say something.
227
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:50,094
I mean, don't you want to say
something back?
228
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:51,879
- You're right, Bill.
I do.
229
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:55,186
- Yes, okay, all aboard
the forgiveness train.
230
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:57,275
Choo, choo!
231
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:59,321
- What I want to say
is this check is stupid,
232
00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:01,018
and we're gonna honor it
by spending it
233
00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:02,977
on the stupidest thing
we could possibly think of.
234
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:04,456
- Aw, yeah.
- No, no, no, no.
235
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:05,806
I think you might have
misunderstood me there--
236
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,590
- No, no, Bill.
This is perfect.
237
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:10,593
I'm gonna show him what $287
of half-assed apologizing
238
00:09:10,637 --> 00:09:12,203
is worth to me.
So what do you guys think?
239
00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:13,814
Can we come up with something
dumb enough?
240
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:16,817
- Oh, yeah. I think this crew
is more than capable--
241
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:19,689
fish tank hot tub!
- Yes!
242
00:09:21,256 --> 00:09:23,040
Okay, more ideas.
James, go.
243
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:26,174
- Okay, there's a massage chair
in here for 200 bucks.
244
00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:27,610
Now, I know what
you're thinking--
245
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,351
massage chair,
where you gonna plug it in?
246
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:33,442
But then like three pages
later, boom--battery pants.
247
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,053
- Battery pants is
a wonderfully stupid idea,
248
00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:38,055
but I think we can do dumber.
Beth?
249
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:40,536
- What if we get a bunch
of vodka?
250
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:44,540
Stay with me.
It's a ton of vodka.
251
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,629
But wait, wait.
252
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,544
It's a lot of vodka.
253
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,677
- Yeah, but we're supposed to
be coming up with stupid ideas.
254
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,680
- That's right.
A stupid amount of vodka.
255
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:55,029
- Ah.
256
00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:56,639
- How about this?
We hire a magician,
257
00:09:56,683 --> 00:10:01,470
they tell us their secrets,
then we're magicians.
258
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:04,865
- Oh, yes, okay,
thank you, Skip.
259
00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:07,694
"Pasta salad."
260
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:10,522
Do you want us to buy $200
worth of pa--
261
00:10:10,566 --> 00:10:13,351
He's asleep.
262
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:17,225
- $287...that has
to mean something.
263
00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:20,620
Now if you assign a letter
to the numbers 2, 8, and 7,
264
00:10:20,663 --> 00:10:23,057
you get B-H-G.
265
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,407
Now, is it possible
that that's the initials
266
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:27,017
to a nickname he gave you?
267
00:10:27,061 --> 00:10:30,586
Something like baby honey goat.
268
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:34,068
Did he call you
baby honey goat?
269
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:36,810
- Yep, you cracked it.
270
00:10:36,853 --> 00:10:38,681
- Aha!
Abby, I got it.
271
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,596
Remember we had
that big debate over whether
272
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,598
we should get a hot dog machine
or a popcorn machine?
273
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,426
- Yeah.
- And remember how you insisted
274
00:10:44,469 --> 00:10:46,254
that we didn't have enough
space for both of them?
275
00:10:46,297 --> 00:10:48,125
- Right.
- Well, I present to you
276
00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:49,692
The PopDog.
277
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:50,867
all: Ooh.
278
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:53,348
- A two-in-one,
awe-inspiring machine
279
00:10:53,391 --> 00:10:56,568
that both cooks hot dogs
and pops corn.
280
00:10:56,612 --> 00:10:58,048
- I mean, how is that even
possible?
281
00:10:58,092 --> 00:10:59,615
What happens
to the hot dog juice?
282
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,747
- Damn it, Bill.
283
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,487
Would you stop
dissecting the miracle?
284
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:05,534
Make room in your life
for magic.
285
00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:07,710
- All right, you guys
have really outdone yourselves.
286
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:10,278
I mean,
these ideas are so stupid.
287
00:11:10,321 --> 00:11:12,236
It's hard for me to choose one.
288
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,586
I think we should use
the Wheel of Jukebox.
289
00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:16,153
- Yes.
- Ooh, okay.
290
00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:17,764
- What's the Wheel of Jukebox?
291
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:19,679
- The first Sunday
of every month,
292
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,855
we take all the quarters
out of the jukebox.
293
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:23,334
- And then we spin this wheel,
294
00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:24,771
and whoever's face it lands on
gets to decide
295
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,294
how we spend the money.
296
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:27,991
- Counteroffer--instead of
spinning a wheel,
297
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:30,472
you call your father
and have an honest discussion.
298
00:11:30,515 --> 00:11:32,169
all: Boo!
299
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:33,736
- The forgiveness train
derailed
300
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:36,739
when it hit
the baby honey goat, Bill.
301
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:38,741
Get on the stupid train.
302
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:40,787
all: Whoo, whoo!
303
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:44,921
.
304
00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:47,184
- All right,
let's go over the rules.
305
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,404
- Wait, wait, wait, wait,
my picture's not up there.
306
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,972
- Oh, right, we haven't taken
your official bar photo yet.
307
00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:53,756
So, um...
308
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,279
That's Bill.
309
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:57,717
- Ha ha ha.
- Piece of chewed gum?
310
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:58,979
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Let's stop everything
311
00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,328
so that we can take
your picture,
312
00:12:00,371 --> 00:12:01,938
go to a drug store,
print it out,
313
00:12:01,982 --> 00:12:03,418
and then cut it out
to fit on this wheel.
314
00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:05,333
Is that what you want?
- No, it's not what--
315
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:06,682
- Guys, stop everything!
316
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:10,164
Bill and I have to go
to Walgreens.
317
00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:12,993
- I'm just thinking,
even if you use the money
318
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:15,125
to buy something dumb
to stick it to Abelardo,
319
00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:17,475
he's still gonna see
that you cashed the check.
320
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,390
- So what?
- Maybe he's gonna take that
321
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,828
as an invitation to walk back
into your life.
322
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,612
- No, I don't think
that's what he's trying to do.
323
00:12:23,655 --> 00:12:25,353
If he was trying
to reconnect with me,
324
00:12:25,396 --> 00:12:27,834
he might have, I don't know,
called me or showed up
325
00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,923
or at least explained
what 287.50 means.
326
00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:31,881
- Yeah, maybe.
327
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,361
You know what would be cool?
328
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:34,710
If there was an envelope
329
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:38,148
that you could write
the letter on.
330
00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:41,804
A post card.
I just described a post card.
331
00:12:43,327 --> 00:12:45,112
- All right, the spinning
will now commence.
332
00:12:45,155 --> 00:12:46,200
- All right, now,
hold on a second.
333
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:47,723
We gotta do this right, okay?
334
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,203
I mean,
why do you get to spin?
335
00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:52,032
If anything, we should spin
to see who spins, right?
336
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:54,208
- Bill, don't be crazy.
Obviously, to see who spins
337
00:12:54,251 --> 00:12:56,688
we reach into a bucket and
we pull out a ping pong ball
338
00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:58,865
with a back-bencher's
name on it.
339
00:13:01,693 --> 00:13:03,043
- Dan!
340
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:08,526
- Oh, uh, I don't want
that much responsibility.
341
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:09,963
- Oh, suck it up, Dan.
342
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:11,486
If you didn't want
the responsibility,
343
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,183
you shouldn't have had a name
344
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:14,924
we could put on
a ping pong ball.
345
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:18,536
- Listen, Dan, give that wheel
the ol' Beth flick,
346
00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:21,017
and you'll get all the free
vodka you can handle.
347
00:13:21,061 --> 00:13:23,585
- Oh, thank you,
but I don't drink vodka
348
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:25,630
because I'm allergic
to potatoes.
349
00:13:25,674 --> 00:13:27,676
All nightshades, really.
350
00:13:27,719 --> 00:13:29,939
An eggplant could kill me.
351
00:13:29,983 --> 00:13:31,593
- Nothing sexier than a man
352
00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:35,031
that can get taken down
by an eggplant.
353
00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:36,250
- Don't listen to her, Dan.
354
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:38,426
You spin however
it feels natural.
355
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:41,211
Just make sure it lands
on my face.
356
00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:44,171
- Hi, Dan. See that piece of
gum there?
357
00:13:44,214 --> 00:13:45,955
That's me,
and I want to get Skip
358
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:48,001
his pasta salad.
359
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:59,447
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Dan, I love you!
360
00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:00,970
- I did nothing.
I swear.
361
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,667
- That's right, Dan.
You did nothing.
362
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:06,280
And I'll always
remember that.
363
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:08,499
- Oh, God, no.
364
00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,850
- Well, then I guess
we're getting a PopDog.
365
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:12,764
- Uh, first off, I would
like to thank Abby
366
00:14:12,808 --> 00:14:15,898
for without whom
I wouldn't even be here.
367
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,247
I gotta say thank you to God,
of course,
368
00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:19,859
I love you, big fella.
You're amazing.
369
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:21,425
Shout-out to the lady
370
00:14:21,469 --> 00:14:23,340
who invented the hot dog buns,
right?
371
00:14:23,384 --> 00:14:25,690
They were just gonna
put it on bread,
372
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:29,564
but this pioneer...
373
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:33,524
she had the vision to say,
"Hold on, give me a second."
374
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:37,354
- Abby.
375
00:14:37,398 --> 00:14:38,921
Before you cash
that check,
376
00:14:38,965 --> 00:14:40,314
I found another letter
from your dad.
377
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:41,968
- What?
- Yeah, it was buried
378
00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:44,144
in a stack of
Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons.
379
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:45,972
Also, next time you buy
bar towels,
380
00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:49,366
you're getting like
1,200% off.
381
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:52,979
- God, my dad's handwriting
is so bad.
382
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:55,024
"I've been thinking
a lot about you
383
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,505
"and I wanted you to
have this
384
00:14:57,548 --> 00:15:02,466
so I could make out with the
23 buttholes I missed?"
385
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:03,859
- I think that's
386
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,949
Make up for the 23
birthdays I missed."
387
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:09,560
- Oh! Oh, that's better.
388
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:11,084
- Yeah.
389
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:14,652
- Says he's giving me $25
for every birthday he missed,
390
00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:19,179
but for tax reasons, he's
sending it in two installments.
391
00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:22,834
And there's a check for 287.50.
392
00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:25,011
- You opened the second
check first.
393
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:27,491
- Installments.
Classic Dad.
394
00:15:27,535 --> 00:15:29,711
It's also how he paid
my orthodontist.
395
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:31,104
Dr. Otto did not like that.
396
00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:35,282
I had braces on
for eight years.
397
00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:39,416
Actually,
kind of a nice gesture.
398
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:40,548
Like a good dad.
399
00:15:40,591 --> 00:15:41,984
- Yeah, you know,
if this changes
400
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:43,377
the way you feel about
the money
401
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:44,856
and you want to spend
it differently,
402
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,597
I'm sure James
would understand.
403
00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:48,773
Yeah, actually, he won't.
He'll be devastated.
404
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:53,343
But we'll call Jim and Louise.
They'll know what to do.
405
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:55,563
- Thanks, I'll think about it.
406
00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:01,612
- And last but not least,
407
00:16:01,656 --> 00:16:03,397
I got to give a thanks
to Granny D.
408
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,792
She's not actually dead.
She just lives in Canada.
409
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:09,185
- Didn't he already thank
his grandma?
410
00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:10,404
- He's thanked everyone.
411
00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:12,406
He's been doing this
for 20 minutes.
412
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:14,799
- Oh, my God!
Where is it?
413
00:16:14,843 --> 00:16:16,279
Where's the PopDog?
414
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:17,977
Wait, let me guess.
You wrapped it up
415
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:19,326
like a Lexus on Christmas,
416
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:22,111
and it's in the driveway
with a bow on it.
417
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:24,766
- I'm sorry, James.
There's not gonna be a PopDog.
418
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:26,594
- What?
419
00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:28,335
I won Wheel of Jukebox
fair and square.
420
00:16:28,378 --> 00:16:30,554
You all saw it.
Dan picked me.
421
00:16:30,598 --> 00:16:32,295
- I-I didn't pick anyone.
422
00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:34,297
Please don't drag me
back into this.
423
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:37,605
- Oh, you're in this Dan,
but no hard feelings.
424
00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:40,303
Let me buy you an eggplant.
425
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,047
- Guys, we got to support
Abby here.
426
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,353
It's her money.
427
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:47,919
Her dad gave it
to her as a gift.
428
00:16:47,963 --> 00:16:49,747
So she should be able to decide
how it's spent.
429
00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:51,706
- No, it's not that.
430
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:53,969
The check bounced.
431
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,145
Check cashing place
and the guy behind the counter
432
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:58,060
said the check bounced,
and I said,
433
00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:01,237
"No, sir, that's impossible.
My dad sent me this check."
434
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:02,891
and then mid-sentence
I thought,
435
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:04,371
"Oh, of course it did."
436
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:05,981
Because my dad
sent me that check,
437
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:09,158
and I'm a big, fat idiot.
438
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,073
- All right, I'm pretty
fired up about this.
439
00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:14,468
Where is it?
Let's go, huh?
440
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:16,339
What's the matter?
I got everything on the list.
441
00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:19,342
It was so hard to carry
all this stuff. What?
442
00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:25,957
.
443
00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:27,829
- Hey, Abby, you okay?
444
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:29,831
- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
I mean, I told you guys.
445
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:31,485
Nothing good
ever comes in the mail,
446
00:17:31,528 --> 00:17:32,834
and this is the proof.
447
00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:34,488
So just gonna burn this stuff.
448
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:35,793
- Oh, I don't--
- Uhh.
449
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,491
- Hey, Abby,
we sort of have a soft rule
450
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:40,146
about you being near fire
when you're mad.
451
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:41,843
- Oh, I'm not mad.
452
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,845
I just don't need
any of this stuff.
453
00:17:43,888 --> 00:17:46,239
Pre-approved credit card?
Trash.
454
00:17:46,282 --> 00:17:48,893
Jury summons?
Nope.
455
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:51,940
Do not bend.
Do not care.
456
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:54,551
Property tax document
enclosed.
457
00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:56,597
- You can't burn that.
Wesley Snipes!
458
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,165
- Shh.
459
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:01,471
She needs this.
460
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:02,994
- I wanna burn more stuff.
461
00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:05,954
- Uh...just a thought,
but instead maybe
462
00:18:05,997 --> 00:18:07,956
you want to talk about
your dad?
463
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:10,132
- I mean,
this is classic Abelardo.
464
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:11,699
He does something
or says something
465
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:13,570
and you really hope
he means it,
466
00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:16,095
but he never does.
And every time it happens,
467
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,879
you realize
you're the stupid one
468
00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:19,881
for thinking that
he might have changed.
469
00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:21,752
Everything he does
is a check that bounces,
470
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:25,713
and I just need to learn
to stop cashing them.
471
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:32,720
- I'm sorry I complained
about my parents earlier.
472
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:34,156
They're not annoying.
473
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,289
But my dad this thing
with soup that--
474
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:38,204
forget it, yeah.
475
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:42,991
Your thing now.
My thing probably never.
476
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:46,908
- I just got excited
about a PopDog.
477
00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:48,475
I never had a PopDog
in my life,
478
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:52,305
and I thought having a PopDog
might be kind of cool.
479
00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:58,876
- Hey, Abby.
480
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,009
We don't always get
the PopDog we deserve,
481
00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:04,360
but that doesn't mean you
shouldn't have one now, so...
482
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:09,583
Who wants to get Abby
a PopDog?
483
00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:11,106
- I'm in.
484
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,108
I think she's been doing
very well this whole time
485
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:18,200
without a PopDog,
but if she wants one, I'm in.
486
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:23,379
- This whole thing
is making me
487
00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,773
want to call my PopDog
right now.
488
00:19:25,816 --> 00:19:27,731
- Dan, we're putting in money,
man.
489
00:19:27,775 --> 00:19:28,906
What the hell?
490
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:31,257
- I am so sorry.
Yeah, here you go.
491
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:32,823
Take it. Take it all.
492
00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:35,130
Actually, can I keep a 5.00
for a taxi ride home?
493
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,959
- No.
- You're right. I'll walk.
494
00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:42,398
- Thanks, guys.
495
00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:44,661
This means a lot.
496
00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:51,146
That's only like $35.
497
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,409
- I thought this was
mostly symbolic.
498
00:19:57,761 --> 00:19:59,110
- Hey.
499
00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:01,243
So here's that tax thing
you wanted.
500
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:03,550
It's mostly scorched,
but you can still kind of
501
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:05,247
sort of make out the address
of the place
502
00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:08,163
you're gonna have to go
wait in line and get a new one.
503
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,817
- Look, Abby,
I'm sorry that I pushed you
504
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,166
to reconnect with your dad.
505
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,950
I should have just
stayed out of it.
506
00:20:12,994 --> 00:20:14,996
- It's okay. Your heart
was in the right place.
507
00:20:15,039 --> 00:20:16,519
And look what
we got out of it.
508
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:18,391
I mean, she is gorgeous.
509
00:20:18,434 --> 00:20:20,828
- Okay, enough, he's a boy.
510
00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:23,309
Boats are girls,
PopDogs are boys.
511
00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:26,050
I'm not having
this argument again.
512
00:20:26,094 --> 00:20:27,791
- Well, James,
he's a thing of beauty.
513
00:20:27,835 --> 00:20:29,271
- Yeah, that's what you think
514
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,230
until you're the first person
who has to clean it.
515
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:34,276
- Ech. Yep. It's like when
my kids wanted to get a dog.
516
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,236
I said, "Okay, as long as
you take care of it.
517
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,673
I'm not gonna be responsible
for keeping it alive."
518
00:20:39,716 --> 00:20:41,065
- Beth, you don't have a dog.
519
00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:43,720
- Consider that lesson learned.
- What?
520
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:46,767
- Oh, God.
I didn't let the dog die.
521
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,203
He's living on a farm now.
522
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,466
all: Oh...
- It's a real farm.
523
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:52,207
He's not dead, you guys.
524
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,861
I'm not monster.
525
00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:54,949
- Well, what are we
waiting for?
526
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:56,559
Might as well fire it up.
527
00:21:03,784 --> 00:21:05,525
Our miracle machine
is a little loud.
528
00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,048
- Yeah, well, that makes sense.
529
00:21:07,091 --> 00:21:09,268
It's probably because,
in engineering terms,
530
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:12,053
the coefficient of friction
inside the rotisserie
531
00:21:12,096 --> 00:21:13,750
is very high.
532
00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:15,099
And since it's made out
of metal it vibrates--
533
00:21:15,143 --> 00:21:17,711
I can't hear myself think.
534
00:21:17,754 --> 00:21:20,017
- Guys, I'm so glad we
bought this.
40424
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.