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Uploaded by KMAnthony on 11/25/2015
http://subscene.com/u/953757
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MALE NARRATOR: We are often told
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00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:41,254
that happily-ever-afters exist
only in the pages of fairy tales
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00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:44,920
and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.
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And yet, on this bright,
sunny, Boston afternoon,
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a talking teddy bear is about
to marry his girlfriend,
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proving two things.
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Happy endings can
come true for anyone.
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And America doesn't give
a shit about anything.
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Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
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take this teddy bear to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
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I do.
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SAM: And do you, Ted,
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00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:15,789
take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?
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Fuckin' A right, I do!
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(GIGGLES)
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Then, by the power
vested in me,
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00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,669
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
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You may kiss the bear.
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(ALL CHEERING)
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WEDDING ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!
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(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
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Teddy, this is
the best day of my life!
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00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,420
I just love you so much.
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00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:06,126
I love you, too, baby.
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00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:08,883
I'm gonna go fifty shades
of bear on you tonight.
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00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,259
Let's go get shit-faced!
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00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:11,465
Okay!
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00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:14,847
Thank you.
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00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:21,400
Hey, congrats, you mofos.
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Oh, hey, Guy.
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Beautiful ceremony.
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Oh. Thank you so much
for being a part of it.
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00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,236
Hey, this is my new
boyfriend, Rick.
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00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,441
How you doing?
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00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:30,567
Good, good.
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00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:34,659
He's a gourmet chef.
So he knows how to toss a salad.
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00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:36,285
(BOTH CHUCKLES)
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00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,579
Rick and I are actually
about to tie the knot.
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00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,664
Oh, you guys
are getting married?
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00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,670
No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.
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00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,171
- Ha! Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
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Deal.
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TED: Hey, buddy.
You okay, there?
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You look a little down.
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00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:02,524
Are you still shaking off that
hangover from the bachelor party?
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00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,401
- Oh!
- That's nice.
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00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,436
Oh, my God.
She's fucking begging for it!
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00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,482
(LAUGHS) She's totally begging.
Get it. Get in there.
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00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,612
Look at her.
She wants it bad!
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00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:12,867
JOHN: Oh, yeah.
She wants more
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00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:15,196
- than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
- (MEN LAUGHING)
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00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:18,282
TED: That's bigger than the average
bear right there, I tell you.
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JOHN: You know what's fucked up? Dude,
that's somebody's fucking daughter!
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00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:23,712
MAN: Oh, shit!
Jesus! Come on!
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00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:28,004
I'm fine. I was...
just thinking about Lori.
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00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,756
Oh, Johnny,
come on, man.
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00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:33,339
It's been six months since
you guys got divorced.
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00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,299
I know, I know.
It's just that...
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00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,638
Being back in
that church again.
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00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,474
I mean, everything seemed like
it was gonna be so perfect.
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00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,230
Yeah. Well, you're
not the first guy
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00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,477
to marry the wrong girl.
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00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:46,351
Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?
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00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:50,489
You guys wanna celebrate with
a little something else, hmm?
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00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,900
Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
Tami-Lynn would kill me
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00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,576
if I did drugs
on our wedding day.
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00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,278
Ah, she won't notice.
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00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:58,659
I just did a line with a
dude in the men's room
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00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,162
and I bet you
can't even spot him.
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00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,673
(WINDOW GLASS BREAKS)
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00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,171
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
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00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:12,044
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:14,926
(SINGING)
♪ I'm steppin' out with my honey ♪
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00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:17,178
♪ Can't be bad to feel so good ♪
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♪ Never felt quite so sunny ♪
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♪ So I keep on knockin' wood ♪
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♪ Yeah, steppin' out with my baby ♪
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00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,434
♪ Can't go wrong
'cause I'm in right ♪
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00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,149
♪ Ask me when will the day be ♪
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♪ The big day may be tonight ♪
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TED: This is the best
day of my life!
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(TEMPO INCREASES)
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(MUSIC ENDS)
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00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,038
I'm starving. What the hell
are you doing over there?
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00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:28,411
I'm curing cancer.
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00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,621
I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?
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00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:31,914
What do I think
you're doing?
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00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,787
I think you're bleeding us dry,
is what I think you're doing.
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00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:37,545
Look at this, look at this.
a $129 at Filene's Basement.
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00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:39,626
What are you buying over there, Tami?
Gold bars?
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I need clothes for work.
All right, Teddy?
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00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,881
What do you mean? You wear a
smock, you're a fucking cashier.
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00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,011
Yeah? So are you!
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00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,843
Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going
out and buying designer shit!
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00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,052
Oh, no, no,
no, no, no!
97
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,271
You're just buying weed,
you're just buying drugs.
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00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:52,347
You should fucking talk!
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00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,525
I was talking. I was just talking,
just now, until you interrupted me.
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00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,817
Well, I have to
interrupt you or else
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00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:57,894
I never get to
fucking say anything!
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00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:58,979
Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
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00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,063
You're always
cutting me off!
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00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,272
Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
105
00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:02,482
Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
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00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:03,942
It's important to
look good at work.
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00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:06,119
I am trying to climb
the corporate fence, here!
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00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:07,571
Nobody's in there
to look at your ass!
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00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:08,826
You're acting like an asshole!
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00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,498
Oh, what am I
acting like, Tami?
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00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:11,995
You're acting like
a fucking asshole!
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00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,668
Like an asshole!
That's what you're acting like!
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00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:16,587
You don't got to dress like Elizabeth
Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
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00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,958
I am the face
of the business! Okay?
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00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:20,800
The face of the business?
So get the fuck off my case!
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00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,253
Jesus Christ! Listen to you!
You're delusional!
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00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,680
I should've married Robert DiCicco.
I really should've.
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00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,177
Fine! Fine!
Go torture that asshole!
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00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,509
He treated me good!
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00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:32,346
And (GASPS) he had a dick!
He had an awesome dick!
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00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:35,603
Oh, newsflash! Boston whore
has seen Italian penis.
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00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,855
What the fuck did you
just call me, fucker?
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00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,311
What did you
fucking say?
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00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:40,691
Jesus!
What the fuck?
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00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,772
You wanna call me
a whore?
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00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,031
You wanna throw shit?
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00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,324
Yeah, I wanna
fucking throw shit!
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00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,447
I'll fucking throw shit!
(GRUNTS)
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00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,737
Oh. Wow. There, see!
How do you like that?
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00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:50,204
I'm scared, Teddy!
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00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,453
I'm really fucking scared of
you, you little fucking bear!
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00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:53,912
NEIGHBOR: Shut the fuck up!
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00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,460
Oh, for Christ's sake!
134
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,332
Hey, you shut the fuck up!
135
00:08:57,412 --> 00:08:58,789
Why don't you come down
and make me, tough guy?
136
00:08:58,872 --> 00:08:59,998
Yeah, why don't you
come up here
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00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:01,378
and make me come
down there, tough guy?
138
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,631
I am gonna come up there and I'm
gonna kick your fucking ass!
139
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,087
Yeah, why don't you
try it, asshole?
140
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,968
Get your ass up here
and kick my ass!
141
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,299
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
142
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,553
Shut the fuck up,
you stupid bitch!
143
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:10,599
Hey, shut up,
lady!
144
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,643
Run the fuck back
to Russia, you whore!
145
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,054
Get the fuck
out of here!
146
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,389
People are
trying to sleep!
147
00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:16,473
God damn it!
148
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,648
Shut the fuck up!
149
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:20,106
Hey, I'm really sorry!
Yeah, me, too.
150
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,528
She's worse than us.
151
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:22,980
Yeah, she's
our enemy now.
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00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:25,315
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:30,487
(EXHALES)
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00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,572
Have you guys at least
tried marriage therapy?
155
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,995
Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.
156
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,578
$250 and we didn't
learn a goddamn thing.
157
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:39,503
$250? Dude,
that's ridiculous!
158
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,172
I mean, doesn't your insurance
cover that or something?
159
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:44,088
Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up
for Obamacare on the Internet,
160
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:45,419
but I came back
five minutes later,
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00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:46,845
she was looking
at black cocks.
162
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:48,508
It seems like every
time you go online,
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00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,090
you're two clicks away
from black cocks.
164
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,382
Look.
165
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:54,182
See, I'll Google
"Grand Canyon."
166
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,888
Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?"
167
00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:58,982
I don't know, man.
I got to do something
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00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:00,650
or my marriage is
gonna collapse. (SIGHS)
169
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,314
Here you go, guys.
170
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,020
We're gonna be
closing in a few,
171
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,655
but I'm going to
this after-hours thing
172
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,448
at my friend's apartment,
if you wanna join.
173
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,736
Oh, thanks, Allison. But I
got an early day tomorrow.
174
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,203
Oh, okay.
175
00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:16,166
Well, if you change your
mind, here's the address.
176
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:19,745
I put my cell number
on there, too.
177
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,966
Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?
178
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,088
What?
179
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,339
What do you mean, "What?"
After hours?
180
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,261
Jesus, Johnny, she totally
wants to sleep with you.
181
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,055
I'm not into it.
182
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,974
John, you've been saying that
for over a year-and-a-half
183
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,926
about every chick that
throws herself at you.
184
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,352
You got to get back
in the game, man!
185
00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:37,679
No, don't start
this shit, all right?
186
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,264
Look, I wasted
six years of my life
187
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:40,769
with the wrong girl
and I got burned.
188
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:42,601
I'm not gonna make that
same mistake again.
189
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:44,644
Jesus, Johnny, you don't
got to marry Allison.
190
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:46,900
You just got to bang her and
maybe pee on her a little.
191
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,197
What?
192
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:51,326
It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.
193
00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:53,028
Yeah, I got
to take a leak.
194
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,405
(EXHALES)
195
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,081
Sorry, Allison. I tried.
196
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,540
(SIGHS) It's okay. I just wish
he wasn't so goddamn cute.
197
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:02,420
Yeah. Hey, can I get
a Jack Daniel's
198
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,168
with just a splash
of Grey Goose?
199
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,249
Wish I could help you,
but we're closing.
200
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,551
Come on, one drink and I
promise I won't tell anybody
201
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:11,095
that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.
202
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:13,681
JOHN: Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
Get off of me!
203
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,592
Sorry, my mistake.
204
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,485
(STRAINING) There we go.
Thanks a lot, come again.
205
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,444
Hey.
206
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:34,694
Hello.
207
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:38,908
I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions
about this breakfast cereal.
208
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,459
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.
209
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,748
That's right.
210
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,957
I've been led to understand that
Trix are exclusively for children.
211
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,291
Is that correct?
212
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:52,383
What, Uh, I... I mean, they say, uh,
"Trix are for kids" in the commercials.
213
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,839
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
214
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:56,428
And is that
enforced by law?
215
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,093
Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
216
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:03,482
So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?
217
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,976
No. No, you...
You should be fine.
218
00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:09,358
You do understand that I
myself am not a child?
219
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,990
Uh, I was able to
sniff that out, yeah.
220
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:16,160
Okay, I'm going to bring
these back to my apartment.
221
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,655
Uh, yeah, yeah.
You'll... You'll be okay.
222
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:21,666
And, uh,
I won't be followed?
223
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:25,211
Uh, no, that's...
That's not in our budget here.
224
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,673
Hey.
225
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:32,544
I won't forget what you've
done for me here today.
226
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,508
I would prefer that you do.
227
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,845
Jesus Christ.
228
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:51,862
(SIGHS)
229
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,278
You two still not talking?
230
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,483
No.
231
00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:57,694
Honest to God, Joy, I don't
know how to fix this.
232
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:58,778
I mean, how the hell do you take
233
00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,534
a broken marriage
and make it work again?
234
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:03,997
Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.
235
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,159
A baby?
236
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:07,166
Uh-huh. Look at that.
237
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,792
You see them two
white niggas over there?
238
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,839
- (INDISTINCT TALKING)
- Yeah. What?
239
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,626
Look at them.
They're so happy.
240
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,420
Because they got that little
baby keeping them together.
241
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:17,133
If they didn't have that baby,
242
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,307
they'd just be two
sad-ass white niggas
243
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,009
waiting for
Downtown Abbey to come on.
244
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,808
Why, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?
245
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:24,978
I'm telling you, Ted,
246
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:28,183
y'all better have a baby or
your marriage is over. Trust.
247
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,354
(PRICING GUN CLICKING)
248
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,028
Uh, hey.
249
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:42,121
Go away, Teddy.
250
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,369
Tami, listen, I just
wanna talk to you. Okay?
251
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,996
Will you just listen
to me for one second?
252
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,827
Why? So you can give me
shit about my clothes?
253
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,914
No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?
I'm sorry.
254
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,840
I was an asshole
and I didn't mean it.
255
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,342
You know, whatever, Teddy.
256
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,091
Tami, listen.
I love you.
257
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,009
Okay? And...
And I don't want us
258
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:01,216
to fight like we've been
doing the past few months.
259
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:04,098
I don't know, Teddy. I mean, Somethings
got to change, you know?
260
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:07,727
Because I can't do this no more.
It's too much.
261
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,521
I know, I know, I know.
And... And that's why...
262
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,770
I wanna have a baby.
263
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,402
You do?
264
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:17,690
Yeah.
265
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,118
A baby? Like really?
266
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:21,243
Yeah.
267
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:23,572
See, I think,
if we got a kid to love,
268
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,873
it'll teach us how to
love each other again.
269
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,958
Oh, my God, Teddy.
270
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,002
You better not be
messing with me.
271
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,546
I swear to God,
not messing with you.
272
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,214
I think you'd make
an awesome mom.
273
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,791
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?
274
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,922
I would, like, kick so much
ass at mommin'! (CHUCKLES)
275
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:38,343
So what do you say?
We all good?
276
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,921
Yes! Oh, I love you!
277
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,130
I love you so much!
278
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,140
- Oh, baby, I love you, too!
- (SMOOCHES)
279
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,639
- Let's make a baby!
- Let's make a baby!
280
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,311
- (EXCLAIMS)
- (KISSES)
281
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,525
(FLICKING LIGHTER)
282
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:57,154
- Okay, you ready
- Oh, shit Yeah, yeah, yeah.
283
00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,773
- Here it comes.
- Okay, okay. I'm ready.
284
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:02,152
- (JOHN HUMMING)
- TED: (SINGING) ♪ Let's all go to court ♪
285
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,910
♪ Let's go make some law now ♪
286
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:08,996
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
287
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,203
♪ Some law now ♪
288
00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:12,332
TED: (NORMAL VOICE)
I say we go to court!
289
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,584
JOHN: (NORMAL VOICE)
Yes, let's go to court!
290
00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,336
TED: We're a bunch of
assholes who take up
291
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,463
a whole hallway
with our conversation.
292
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,091
(SINGING)
♪ Hey, you lawyer guys ♪
293
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:25,175
♪ You don't know me and
Johnny are watching you ♪
294
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,511
♪ While we're high ♪
295
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,138
That was fucking magic.
296
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,394
That felt smooth.
That felt really smooth.
297
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:33,690
So in the pocket.
298
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:36,186
Hey, so, uh, listen,
I got, uh...
299
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:37,942
I got some big news
to tell ya.
300
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:39,355
Oh, yeah? What's that?
301
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:42,867
Tami-Lynn and I are
gonna have a baby!
302
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,529
Holy Shit! You?
303
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,205
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah,
we talked about it today.
304
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,908
Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!
305
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:50,992
Thank you!
306
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,918
Wait, wait, wait. How... How...
How do you guys...
307
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:56,715
Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We,
uh... We got to find a sperm donor.
308
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,880
And, um, I'm wondering,
what do you think
309
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,802
Sam Jones would say
if I asked him?
310
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,263
You want Flash Gordon
to father your child?
311
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:05,635
Yeah, I mean,
do you think...
312
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,388
Would that be weird?
Would he be freaked out if I...
313
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:08,639
No, I think
he'd be flattered!
314
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:11,437
And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!
315
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,514
Well, that was the logic
I arrived at as well.
316
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:14,815
Yeah, I say do it!
317
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,564
All right. I'll shoot
him an e-mail right now,
318
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,019
and see if I can
stop by tonight.
319
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,403
- You come with me?
- Sure.
320
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,696
All right, great.
321
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:23,983
Shit.
322
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,990
I can never get a signal in your apartment.
Hey, can I use your laptop?
323
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,996
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay, thanks.
324
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:34,827
(SHOUTS)
What the fuck?
325
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,292
Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
What happened?
326
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,418
What's going on?
327
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,421
There's so much porn!
328
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,381
Well, what the hell are you doing
looking at my private shit?
329
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:45,301
What are you talking about, "private shit"?
Johnny, it was wide open!
330
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,177
There are literally
thousands of files here!
331
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,054
Well, I've been meaning
to clear some of that out.
332
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,306
Jesus Christ. Look at
the organization here!
333
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:54,104
Clockwise rim job.
Counterclockwise rim job!
334
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:56,603
Yeah, well, sometimes you like
seeing the tongue go the other way!
335
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:59,603
You sick bastard!
Look at this! Chicks with dicks?
336
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:03,489
(SOBS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I have a disease, all right? I need help!
337
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:06,071
There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!
338
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,489
Oh, this is such a relief!
339
00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,787
You know? I'm so glad
I'm finally caught. I wanted to be caught!
340
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,540
Johnny, now you listen to me.
This is a wake-up call, all right?
341
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,708
You got to get back out
there and meet somebody
342
00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:16,627
because you are spiraling
out of control here.
343
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,205
All right, fine, I will. Just stop
looking at that shit, please!
344
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,544
Johnny, I mean it. All right?
345
00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:22,500
The next chick you meet,
you are getting back in the game.
346
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:23,834
Fine, I got it. Done.
347
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,678
All right. Now,
let's get rid of this.
348
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,676
What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!
349
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,348
No, no, no. That shit
can always be recovered.
350
00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:31,425
We got to smash
your laptop with a hammer.
351
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,062
All right, there, you happy?
352
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,644
No, the circuits could still be
reconstructed if somebody worked at it.
353
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:42,979
We got to bury it
in the harbor.
354
00:17:57,952 --> 00:18:01,456
TED: So, uh, basically that's it.
We need a sperm donor.
355
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:02,961
So what do you say?
356
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,709
You'd really be
helping me and Tami out.
357
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,461
No can do, my brother.
358
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,174
Well...
Well, why not?
359
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,677
Oh, look, I did a lot
of blow in the '80s
360
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:14,181
and my sperm count's
a little low.
361
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:15,720
Oh. How low?
362
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,350
One.
363
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,431
One?
364
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:22,360
Yeah, little fella's having his
own I Am Legend in my nut sack.
365
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,028
Oh. Can we have that one?
366
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,607
No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.
367
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,867
Come on, guys. I mean,
are we done here? I gotta go.
368
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:33,321
That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.
369
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,453
TED: Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch!
370
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:37,829
That was really
selfish of him.
371
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,285
I know. And after
I watched his
372
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,120
piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.
373
00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:42,751
God damn it!
374
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:43,919
(ALARM BLARING)
375
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:44,999
- Ah!
- Oh, shit!
376
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:52,886
Johnny, please,
just help me do this. Okay?
377
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,558
He's the only guy in
the world whose sperm
378
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:55,886
is even close to
Flash Gordon's.
379
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,141
Ted, it's insane.
We could get in a lot of trouble.
380
00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,681
But not if nobody finds out.
381
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:00,811
Look, look, John, John.
382
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:03,234
We sneak into his house,
jerk him off in his sleep
383
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,936
and sneak out with the sperm.
It'll be easy!
384
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,188
And think how awesome
the baby will be.
385
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,774
It would be a
sweet-ass fucking baby.
386
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,616
All right, I'll help you. All right?
But we gotta have a game plan.
387
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,912
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
388
00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:25,248
(SIGHING)
389
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:27,299
(SOFTLY) Oh, come on.
Just calm down.
390
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:30,469
Yeah, can I help you?
391
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,679
Hey! Um, are you,
uh, Tom Brady?
392
00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:36,092
Yeah.
393
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:37,343
JOHN: Um, hey. Um...
394
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:38,560
Your neighbors called,
395
00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:40,138
and your air conditioner's
making a loud noise
396
00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:41,848
so I'm supposed to
check out the unit.
397
00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,353
Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's around back.
398
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,810
Okay. Um, I just may need
a signature in case
399
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:47,486
I got to get some parts,
for the billing.
400
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:51,615
You could just, uh, write that
to John and Ted. Put number 12.
401
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:55,032
And you're not a cheater. I mean,
I think your balls are perfect.
402
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,954
- It's around back.
- All right. Yeah.
403
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,675
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
404
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,138
Stupid idiot.
405
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,188
TED: Okay. Go, go, go!
406
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,585
Take the damn raincoat off.
It's making too much noise.
407
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,837
Piss off! I don't wanna get
any jizz on me!
408
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:05,064
Two League MVPs,
four Super Bowl rings,
409
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,900
guaranteed first
ballot Hall of Famer.
410
00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,736
Now let's give him a handjob
into this red Solo cup.
411
00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:12,321
(WHISPERS)
All right. Go ahead.
412
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,278
Wait, what do you mean,
"Go ahead"? You got to do it.
413
00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:17,114
What are you talking about?
You're the one who needs the sperm.
414
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:18,570
Yeah, but it's got
to be a human hand.
415
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:20,450
It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.
416
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:21,910
No, it doesn't.
It's just friction.
417
00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:23,783
- Look, I've never done this before.
- Well, Neither have I.
418
00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:25,709
- You do it to yourself.
- Yeah, but that's different.
419
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,420
You're an adult with a poster
of this guy in your fucking room.
420
00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:29,622
You're telling me
you don't want this?
421
00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:32,800
Yeah, I want it! You know I want it,
but I'm nervous.
422
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,003
What if he doesn't like the way
I'm doing it? He deserves the best!
423
00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:36,211
Pull yourself together,
for God's sakes.
424
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:37,547
He's gonna love it.
Go, go, go!
425
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:39,883
All right.
426
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,477
(GASPS)
427
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,600
Sweet God and baby Jesus.
428
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:46,680
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
429
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,732
And that's at rest.
430
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:50,726
(SHOUTS) What the hell?
431
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,232
Mr. Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.
432
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,733
What are you doing here?
Who are you?
433
00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:54,814
Get out of my house!
434
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,274
(CONTINUES ARGUING)
435
00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:57,824
- TED: Oh, God!
- Ahhh!
436
00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:00,574
(STUTTERS) Wait, Mr. Brady!
437
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,496
Take your goddamn
teddy bear with you!
438
00:22:02,613 --> 00:22:04,160
(TED YELLS)
439
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,493
Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!
440
00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,043
Come on,
let's get out of here!
441
00:22:17,044 --> 00:22:18,091
Shit!
442
00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:19,597
What the hell do we do now?
443
00:22:19,672 --> 00:22:20,924
(PANTING)
444
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,058
Hey, Ted, let me
ask you something.
445
00:22:23,217 --> 00:22:24,434
What's that?
446
00:22:24,927 --> 00:22:26,304
Why didn't you
just come to me?
447
00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:28,059
What are you talking about?
448
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,481
For the sperm.
449
00:22:29,807 --> 00:22:34,563
Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man?
You were the first person I wanted to go to.
450
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,693
But you've just
been so bummed out
451
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:37,898
over your divorce lately
452
00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:41,527
that I just... You know, I didn't want
to put you in an awkward position.
453
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:43,199
And plus,
after seeing your laptop,
454
00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:44,781
I didn't think
you had any left.
455
00:22:45,114 --> 00:22:47,617
Just so you know, I'm
totally willing to do it.
456
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,500
Really? You'd...
You'd do that for me?
457
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,043
Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.
458
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:58,294
Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's
house and tried to jerk him off...
459
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:00,004
You're ready to be a parent.
460
00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:02,222
God... (CHUCKLES)
461
00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:04,096
I don't know what to say.
462
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:07,429
God. Johnny, thank you!
Thank you so much!
463
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:10,389
Hey, thunder buddies
for life, remember?
464
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:12,607
Thunder buddies for life.
465
00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:15,485
Come on. We got to get out of
here before the cops show up.
466
00:23:15,561 --> 00:23:19,611
MALE OFFICER: All units, we have a 3-17
on Maple Drive. Area units, please respond.
467
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,275
What's a 3-17?
468
00:23:21,442 --> 00:23:24,321
Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.
469
00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:27,786
- (SIREN BLARING)
- (TYRES SCREECHES)
470
00:23:37,499 --> 00:23:39,001
- What is that?
- What?
471
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:40,677
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting ready, dude.
472
00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:41,754
What do you mean
you're getting ready?
473
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:43,089
What are you doing
to your hand?
474
00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:45,766
I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.
475
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,434
You got your hand on your dick.
What are you doing?
476
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:48,761
I'm trying
to get it half hard,
477
00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:50,346
so when I get in there
I could just bust it out.
478
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,227
Sitting out here in public,
jerking off'?
479
00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:54,058
Where do you think you are? Red Lobster?
What are you doing?
480
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,438
What do you think
I got to do in there?
481
00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:56,894
Forget it.
Now, look, you haven't
482
00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:58,729
smoked pot for two
whole days, right?
483
00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:01,406
Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.
484
00:24:01,523 --> 00:24:03,366
I'm sorry, I just
don't want something
485
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,865
I got to feed with
a pitchfork when he's 16.
486
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:07,370
"John Bennett."?
487
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:08,447
Hi.
488
00:24:08,530 --> 00:24:11,204
Right this way. I'll show you
where to deposit your specimen.
489
00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:13,543
Hey, Johnny. Johnny.
490
00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:18,048
(CHUCKLES)
491
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:24,964
I'm John Bennett.
492
00:24:25,214 --> 00:24:27,137
(LAUGHS) I know,
I just said your name.
493
00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:29,810
Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.
494
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,013
I've been out of
the game for a while.
495
00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:33,268
The game?
496
00:24:33,347 --> 00:24:37,443
I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Pretty women, ladies.
497
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:39,186
I See.
498
00:24:40,062 --> 00:24:41,735
Hey, when I'm done here,
how about a drink?
499
00:24:43,065 --> 00:24:46,410
(STAMMERS) Oh. I don't mean this.
I meant, like, a regular drink.
500
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:48,070
I have a boyfriend.
501
00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:52,329
Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad.
You're missing out on a great guy.
502
00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:55,498
Um, do I just spit in
my hand or do I get
503
00:24:55,577 --> 00:24:57,705
a lube or something?
A magazine?
504
00:24:57,955 --> 00:24:59,628
Video? I like Asian
teen stuff preferably.
505
00:24:59,707 --> 00:25:00,674
There's lube
right there.
506
00:25:00,749 --> 00:25:02,501
All right,
yeah, thanks.
507
00:25:07,798 --> 00:25:10,677
Uh, excuse me. Where's your
non-jerk-off bathroom?
508
00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:12,136
Down that hallway,
to the left.
509
00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:13,638
Okay, thanks.
510
00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:21,528
Oh. No way!
(CHUCKLES)
511
00:25:22,730 --> 00:25:26,200
Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you
guys store all the, uh, stuff?
512
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:30,037
It's the intermediary station
before insemination.
513
00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:31,238
Are you submitting?
514
00:25:31,321 --> 00:25:34,541
No. My friend is, uh, yanking out
a sample in one of the rooms.
515
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:36,414
- Oh, well, that's a good friend.
- Yeah.
516
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:37,540
I'm Dr. Danzer.
517
00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:38,711
Oh, cool. (CHUCKLES)
518
00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:42,508
(SINGING)
♪ Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer ♪
519
00:25:42,583 --> 00:25:43,675
Yeah, whatever,
I don't know.
520
00:25:43,751 --> 00:25:47,551
Now, wait. You look familiar.
Are you that teddy bear who came alive?
521
00:25:47,713 --> 00:25:49,056
I am. That's me, yeah.
522
00:25:49,131 --> 00:25:50,178
See, I was trying
to figure out
523
00:25:50,257 --> 00:25:51,554
where I'd seen you
before and that's it.
524
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:52,725
Good eye, good eye.
525
00:25:52,801 --> 00:25:56,226
So, how did you get into this line of work?
Do you just love cum?
526
00:25:56,722 --> 00:25:57,723
Uh, uh...
527
00:25:57,806 --> 00:25:59,934
Not especially, but I love
helping good people
528
00:26:00,017 --> 00:26:01,815
fulfill their dreams
of having children.
529
00:26:01,894 --> 00:26:04,022
It's amazing
what we can do here.
530
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,153
You want to have a look?
531
00:26:06,315 --> 00:26:07,783
Yeah, sure.
532
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:13,326
This is where we perform our
pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.
533
00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:15,373
We can eliminate
hereditary diseases,
534
00:26:15,449 --> 00:26:18,623
such as cystic fibrosis, muscular
dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.
535
00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:20,417
The list goes on
and on, really.
536
00:26:20,496 --> 00:26:21,543
Wow.
537
00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:23,754
Hey, Johnny! You did it!
538
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:24,833
Right here, buddy.
539
00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,676
Ew. I mean, awesome!
(CHUCKLES)
540
00:26:27,211 --> 00:26:29,054
Excuse me, Doctor,
your wife's on the phone.
541
00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:30,426
She said it's an emergency.
542
00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:32,557
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
543
00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:36,520
You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?
544
00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:37,975
I can see it from here,
thanks, yeah.
545
00:26:38,055 --> 00:26:39,432
Dude, take a closer look.
It's your kid.
546
00:26:39,515 --> 00:26:40,516
No, no, no!
Come on!
547
00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:42,442
- You got to take a closer look.
- That's close enough, Johnny!
548
00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:44,361
- He's beautiful. Come on!
- I'll trade you. Catch.
549
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,154
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, God!
550
00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:47,986
Fuck! Dude,
that's somebody's kid!
551
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:50,446
Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod!
You were supposed to catch it!
552
00:26:50,526 --> 00:26:51,573
We got to find something
to scoop it up.
553
00:26:51,652 --> 00:26:53,245
There's containers over there.
Scoop it up with that.
554
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:54,663
Shit. All right.
555
00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:56,119
TED: No, no,
that's not gonna work.
556
00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:57,871
You need two of them.
You got to scoop one into the other.
557
00:26:58,367 --> 00:26:59,960
Oh, shit! Fuck!
558
00:27:01,203 --> 00:27:02,500
- TED: Oh!
- Oh, fuck!
559
00:27:02,579 --> 00:27:03,580
Oh, my God!
560
00:27:03,664 --> 00:27:04,665
- Fuck! Fuck!
- Oh!
561
00:27:04,832 --> 00:27:06,926
- Oh, my God! It's in my eyes!
- Oh, Jesus!
562
00:27:07,042 --> 00:27:08,043
I'm blinking it in!
563
00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:09,379
- (GAGGING)
- You got to fucking help me!
564
00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:11,088
Oh, my God!
It's in my fucking mouth!
565
00:27:11,171 --> 00:27:12,844
All right. Hang on.
I gotta post this on Facebook.
566
00:27:12,923 --> 00:27:14,095
- No!
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
567
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:16,889
Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."
568
00:27:17,052 --> 00:27:18,929
(GASPS)
Oh, my God!
569
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:20,977
- Look, I'm so sorry!
- We swear to God, it was an accident.
570
00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:22,182
We're so sorry.
571
00:27:22,516 --> 00:27:26,020
Well, I guess it's all right.
Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.
572
00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:27,563
Ah, you hear that, Johnny?
573
00:27:27,688 --> 00:27:29,611
You're covered in
rejected black-guy sperm.
574
00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:30,987
You look like a Kardashian.
575
00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:32,408
Fuck!
576
00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,874
No, make sure you
have all the updated
577
00:27:46,957 --> 00:27:48,630
information on our
Comic Con placement.
578
00:27:48,709 --> 00:27:52,009
This has to be the biggest,
most impressive rollout at the convention.
579
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:53,213
Morning, Mr. Jessup.
580
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:55,424
Good morning. Now...
581
00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:57,009
My name's Donny.
582
00:27:57,134 --> 00:27:59,387
(SIGHS)
Hi, Donny.
583
00:27:59,469 --> 00:28:01,187
Now this is
a multi-platform release,
584
00:28:01,263 --> 00:28:02,480
so I want a full
report on all...
585
00:28:02,556 --> 00:28:03,773
Fresh cakes.
586
00:28:05,809 --> 00:28:06,856
What?
587
00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:08,357
In the urinals, sir.
588
00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:10,939
I noticed you always
use urinal four,
589
00:28:11,023 --> 00:28:12,775
so I put fresh cakes
in there for you.
590
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:15,904
You're an important man.
You should never have to smell pee.
591
00:28:16,612 --> 00:28:19,456
See, most people
flip the cakes.
592
00:28:20,032 --> 00:28:21,705
I replace the cakes.
593
00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:24,746
That's the Donny difference.
594
00:28:26,914 --> 00:28:29,758
I need a full report on all the
placement of our merchandise.
595
00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:32,052
Contact Bob Jennings
at Javits...
596
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:35,634
I'm afraid I have bad news.
597
00:28:36,006 --> 00:28:38,759
I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.
598
00:28:38,926 --> 00:28:40,644
- Wait, what?
- Why not?
599
00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:44,807
Tami-Lynn, according to your
test results, you're no longer fertile.
600
00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:45,974
What?
601
00:28:46,058 --> 00:28:47,981
Wait, Wait, Doc, Doc,
are you sure about that?
602
00:28:48,143 --> 00:28:50,237
I mean, maybe you should check
again or something, you know?
603
00:28:50,437 --> 00:28:51,654
I'm quite sure.
604
00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:54,862
Tami-Lynn, because of your
history of excessive drug use
605
00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:58,904
your ovarian canal
has been somewhat compromised.
606
00:28:59,071 --> 00:29:00,422
What are you talking about?
It looks fine.
607
00:29:00,423 --> 00:29:04,367
- Yeah.
- Forgive me, that's a normal ovary.
608
00:29:04,368 --> 00:29:05,915
This is Tami-Lynn's.
609
00:29:06,078 --> 00:29:07,250
TED: Jesus!
610
00:29:07,371 --> 00:29:09,624
Yeah, but I bet this
stuff happens a lot.
611
00:29:09,706 --> 00:29:11,834
I mean, you probably see this
kind of stuff all the time, right?
612
00:29:12,125 --> 00:29:14,378
No, not once, not ever.
613
00:29:14,544 --> 00:29:17,764
When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.
614
00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:20,759
Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.
615
00:29:21,301 --> 00:29:24,430
(SOBS) I don't understand, okay?
None of this makes any sense.
616
00:29:24,513 --> 00:29:26,481
It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's just go.
617
00:29:26,556 --> 00:29:27,978
No, what does
this mean, Teddy?
618
00:29:28,058 --> 00:29:29,275
Does it mean we
can't have a baby?
619
00:29:29,351 --> 00:29:30,853
I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.
620
00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:32,438
Everything's gonna be okay.
621
00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:33,856
It really isn't.
622
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:48,579
Well, I have gone
through your application
623
00:29:48,662 --> 00:29:50,881
and vetted your
personal histories,
624
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:53,963
and I'm afraid this
isn't gonna work out.
625
00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:56,135
What?
626
00:29:56,295 --> 00:29:57,387
Why not?
627
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,009
Well, first of all,
there's the question
628
00:29:59,089 --> 00:30:00,762
of Tami-Lynn's
drug conviction.
629
00:30:00,924 --> 00:30:02,676
Hey, I did
my community service.
630
00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:05,387
Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.
631
00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:07,431
There's another issue,
632
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:10,563
and,honestly, it's the
more serious one.
633
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:12,895
I was reluctant to
bring it up because
634
00:30:14,187 --> 00:30:15,689
it's a little awkward.
635
00:30:16,481 --> 00:30:20,531
Ted, in the eyes of the
state, you are not a person.
636
00:30:21,737 --> 00:30:23,330
Wait, what?
637
00:30:24,406 --> 00:30:26,625
The state official
I spoke to said
638
00:30:26,700 --> 00:30:29,829
that technically, you are
classified as property.
639
00:30:31,997 --> 00:30:34,420
I'm not a person?
640
00:30:34,833 --> 00:30:37,677
Not according to
the government. I'm sorry.
641
00:30:37,753 --> 00:30:39,471
But that is so fucked up!
642
00:30:40,213 --> 00:30:41,510
"Property"?
643
00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:43,592
You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.
644
00:30:43,842 --> 00:30:44,843
Come on.
645
00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:46,098
(SIGHS)
646
00:30:46,470 --> 00:30:47,596
Look.
647
00:30:47,763 --> 00:30:49,561
You seem like good people.
648
00:30:49,723 --> 00:30:50,975
Be careful.
649
00:30:51,141 --> 00:30:53,143
What do you mean, "Be careful"?
650
00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:55,194
The state official I spoke to
651
00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:58,900
made it sound like your status had
gone under the radar for some time.
652
00:30:59,441 --> 00:31:02,115
Your adoption request may
have raised some red flags.
653
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:05,447
If they choose to
investigate the issue,
654
00:31:05,614 --> 00:31:08,163
it may leave you
quite vulnerable.
655
00:31:21,296 --> 00:31:23,765
Hey. I just got off work
and heard your message.
656
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:25,467
Is that for real? Did they
actually tell you that?
657
00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:27,268
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
"Property."
658
00:31:27,469 --> 00:31:29,062
They said I'm property.
659
00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:31,227
What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?
660
00:31:31,306 --> 00:31:33,149
What, like garbage
or a piece of shit?
661
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,070
I mean, maybe more like a
hammer or an orange, but yeah.
662
00:31:37,145 --> 00:31:38,362
What the hell
do they know?
663
00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:39,485
It's just a word.
664
00:31:39,564 --> 00:31:41,942
They can't change your whole life
just by calling you property!
665
00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:44,949
Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.
666
00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:47,497
One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes
667
00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:49,495
in the river,
titties out. You good.
668
00:31:49,658 --> 00:31:51,376
Then all of a sudden,
you somewhere
669
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,374
across the world,
fucking Thomas Jefferson.
670
00:31:53,495 --> 00:31:55,839
Wow! You make
history come alive.
671
00:31:56,039 --> 00:31:57,916
Why the hell is this
just coming up now?
672
00:31:58,166 --> 00:32:00,168
I mean, I've never voted.
673
00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:02,929
I don't have a driver's license,
I don't pay taxes.
674
00:32:03,004 --> 00:32:05,052
I mean, hell, this is
the first job I ever had.
675
00:32:06,550 --> 00:32:09,019
Ted, can I see you
for a moment?
676
00:32:10,554 --> 00:32:11,680
I'm sorry,
677
00:32:11,763 --> 00:32:13,310
but I'm gonna have
to let you go.
678
00:32:13,515 --> 00:32:17,190
What? Why? I've been busting my
ass at this job for three years!
679
00:32:17,436 --> 00:32:19,689
I just got a call from
the Labor Department.
680
00:32:20,689 --> 00:32:22,657
I can't legally keep
you on as an employee
681
00:32:22,732 --> 00:32:24,951
because I've been informed
that you're technically...
682
00:32:25,026 --> 00:32:28,246
Technically not a person.
Yeah. Jesus Christ!
683
00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:32,580
I'm sorry. But as of today,
you're fired.
684
00:32:33,452 --> 00:32:34,829
(SIGHS)
685
00:32:35,996 --> 00:32:38,044
"Dear Ted, your Chase bank account
686
00:32:38,123 --> 00:32:40,251
"has been terminated due to
a lack of citizenship."
687
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:43,216
"Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked."
688
00:32:43,295 --> 00:32:46,219
"Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member."
689
00:32:46,423 --> 00:32:47,720
Fuck, that's a big one.
690
00:32:47,883 --> 00:32:49,851
This poor baby bootie.
691
00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:54,390
It's always gonna be empty. There's
never gonna be a little foot in here.
692
00:32:54,556 --> 00:32:57,810
I don't understand. We would
have made such great parents.
693
00:32:57,893 --> 00:32:58,894
(INHALES)
694
00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:00,194
Oh, my God.
695
00:33:00,562 --> 00:33:01,984
Oh, my God, Teddy!
696
00:33:02,063 --> 00:33:03,030
(STUTTERS)
What? What's wrong?
697
00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:04,403
Look at this.
698
00:33:04,566 --> 00:33:05,783
(SOBBING) "Dear Ted,
699
00:33:06,067 --> 00:33:08,741
"the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you
700
00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:11,869
"that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status
701
00:33:12,407 --> 00:33:16,958
"your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state
702
00:33:17,037 --> 00:33:19,961
"and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled."
703
00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:22,130
Teddy, can they do this to us?
704
00:33:22,209 --> 00:33:23,256
Let me see that.
705
00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:28,761
This is a nightmare.
706
00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:33,270
You fucking
believe that?
707
00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:35,430
No. This is insane.
708
00:33:35,597 --> 00:33:37,395
I mean, Tami's
the woman I love.
709
00:33:37,599 --> 00:33:39,727
You know, I never would even
have tried to adopt a dog
710
00:33:39,809 --> 00:33:42,028
if I had known it was gonna cause
me this kind of shit storm.
711
00:33:42,103 --> 00:33:43,855
This whole thing is
complete bullshit.
712
00:33:43,980 --> 00:33:45,982
I mean, if you ask me,
we got to fight it.
713
00:33:46,525 --> 00:33:48,493
- What do you mean?
- I mean, we get a lawyer.
714
00:33:49,069 --> 00:33:50,366
Oh, my God. Can we do that?
715
00:33:50,487 --> 00:33:51,830
Hell yeah!
You know what we do?
716
00:33:51,905 --> 00:33:53,122
We'll get a lawyer
and we'll sue
717
00:33:53,198 --> 00:33:54,791
the fucking government
for your civil rights!
718
00:33:54,908 --> 00:33:56,751
Johnny, that's a great idea!
719
00:33:56,910 --> 00:33:59,038
Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of
them Harrison Ford lawyers
720
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,543
who gets shot in the head, then turns
all retarded and nice and goes,
721
00:34:01,623 --> 00:34:02,715
"What we're doing is wrong."
722
00:34:02,791 --> 00:34:04,919
Yes. You know what, we get out there
and we stick it to them good.
723
00:34:05,001 --> 00:34:07,049
We take that shit all the way
up to Judge Judy if we have to.
724
00:34:07,128 --> 00:34:08,175
Yeah.
725
00:34:08,255 --> 00:34:10,804
But we don't know any lawyers.
All our friends make sandwiches.
726
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:13,305
Ah. Oh, we just Google
"Boston lawyers."
727
00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,934
Jesus. Look at
that black cock.
728
00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:38,167
Uh...
729
00:34:38,702 --> 00:34:41,797
This is a very complicated
case you have here.
730
00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:46,422
Most civil rights cases are, but this
one has some very obvious wrinkles.
731
00:34:46,710 --> 00:34:48,712
Well, everybody says
you're the best in town.
732
00:34:48,878 --> 00:34:52,508
Listen, your case is
not gonna be cheap.
733
00:34:52,674 --> 00:34:54,676
What is your
financial situation?
734
00:34:54,968 --> 00:34:57,938
Uh, all of our holdings are
tied up in the railroads.
735
00:34:58,013 --> 00:35:00,436
Yeah, Reading Railroad, B&O
Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
736
00:35:00,515 --> 00:35:03,644
We're working on Short Line. Urn, I own
Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
737
00:35:03,727 --> 00:35:05,229
And I own four houses
on Baltic Ave.
738
00:35:05,312 --> 00:35:07,314
I was thinking about just tearing
them down and building a hotel.
739
00:35:07,397 --> 00:35:10,116
I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.
740
00:35:10,191 --> 00:35:12,114
Are you guys just
saying Monopoly stuff?
741
00:35:12,402 --> 00:35:13,779
Tell you what, I'm gonna
go drive around the block,
742
00:35:13,862 --> 00:35:15,239
and I'll be back
with $200.
743
00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:17,365
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
744
00:35:17,532 --> 00:35:19,626
My niece recently
passed her bar exam
745
00:35:19,701 --> 00:35:22,830
and I've hired her on as a junior
associate here at the firm.
746
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:25,298
I could assign her to
your case, pro Bono.
747
00:35:25,415 --> 00:35:27,213
And then you would get
a hungry, young attorney
748
00:35:27,292 --> 00:35:30,546
and I would get a more
experienced lawyer in return.
749
00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:32,089
So what do you say to that?
750
00:35:32,339 --> 00:35:34,387
Yeah, sure,
sounds great.
751
00:35:34,883 --> 00:35:37,181
Um, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?
752
00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:39,971
Uh, those aren't
supposed to be out.
753
00:35:50,732 --> 00:35:51,733
Hello?
754
00:35:51,900 --> 00:35:53,994
- (BANGING)
- Oh! Fuck!
755
00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:55,737
Hi.
756
00:35:55,820 --> 00:35:56,821
You okay?
757
00:35:56,905 --> 00:35:58,498
Yeah! I'm fine.
758
00:35:58,573 --> 00:35:59,825
You must be Ted.
759
00:35:59,908 --> 00:36:01,831
Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,
760
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:03,332
- this is my buddy, John.
- Hi.
761
00:36:03,411 --> 00:36:06,915
Um, my uncle says that you
guys are my first clients.
762
00:36:07,248 --> 00:36:10,218
Uh, it's been discussed,
763
00:36:10,710 --> 00:36:12,383
but do you mind if
I ask how old you are?
764
00:36:12,545 --> 00:36:14,047
I'm 26.
765
00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:15,256
Ah.
766
00:36:15,507 --> 00:36:16,975
What, is there a problem?
767
00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:19,018
Well, you know, I just don't
want my lawyer singing
768
00:36:19,094 --> 00:36:20,846
Frozen songs during
the opening arguments.
769
00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:22,681
It's just this is
a really important case.
770
00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:25,142
Ted has already lost his job,
his marriage has been annulled.
771
00:36:25,225 --> 00:36:27,478
I know. My uncle
gave me all the details.
772
00:36:27,644 --> 00:36:29,772
Right. You see, the thing is, we
don't want to take any chances
773
00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:31,822
because the stakes
are so significant.
774
00:36:31,940 --> 00:36:33,112
We can't just
rush into anything.
775
00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:34,613
We got to make sure we're
making the right decision.
776
00:36:34,693 --> 00:36:36,036
TED: We really
appreciate your time,
777
00:36:36,111 --> 00:36:37,328
but I think what
we're probably gonna do is
778
00:36:37,404 --> 00:36:38,951
just take a seat
and get to work.
779
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:40,031
Trust you completely.
780
00:36:40,115 --> 00:36:41,492
Yeah, we really feel like
you got a lot to offer.
781
00:36:43,910 --> 00:36:44,911
Sorry.
782
00:36:44,994 --> 00:36:46,120
You don't mind the pot, do you?
783
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:47,334
I get migraines.
784
00:36:47,414 --> 00:36:48,882
- Oh, absolutely, me, too.
- That's fine. Yeah.
785
00:36:48,957 --> 00:36:51,585
I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the
parking lot in about 20 minutes.
786
00:36:51,751 --> 00:36:53,503
Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.
787
00:36:53,670 --> 00:36:55,172
Ted. How are ya?
788
00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:57,056
- Good to meet you. John.
- Nice to meet you.
789
00:36:57,132 --> 00:36:58,679
Wait, wait, wait.
What's your middle name?
790
00:36:59,259 --> 00:37:00,260
Leslie.
791
00:37:00,510 --> 00:37:03,559
- (LAUGHS, TED CHUCKLES)
- Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson!
792
00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:05,515
That's fucking great!
Just like Sam L. Jackson!
793
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,687
Who is that?
794
00:37:06,808 --> 00:37:09,812
You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.
795
00:37:10,478 --> 00:37:11,980
- (INHALING)
- (BUBBLING)
796
00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:14,115
That weed is really good.
797
00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:15,567
It reminds me of
the strain I smoked
798
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:17,243
last summer called
"Here Comes Autism."
799
00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:19,908
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort
of like this other batch we had called
800
00:37:19,988 --> 00:37:21,615
"How Long Has
That Van Been There?"
801
00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:25,202
No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called "Help Me Get Home."
802
00:37:25,326 --> 00:37:27,454
You know, I'm surprised a
lawyer like you gets high.
803
00:37:27,537 --> 00:37:28,914
I mean, aren't you
supposed to be fighting
804
00:37:28,997 --> 00:37:30,465
the War on Drugs
and all that shit?
805
00:37:30,707 --> 00:37:32,675
Please, the War on Drugs
is a joke.
806
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:34,089
It's just a way
for the government
807
00:37:34,169 --> 00:37:35,591
to inflate law
enforcement budgets
808
00:37:35,670 --> 00:37:38,298
and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.
809
00:37:38,381 --> 00:37:40,975
And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.
810
00:37:41,134 --> 00:37:42,727
Yeah. No shit.
811
00:37:42,802 --> 00:37:45,021
They've denied you the same
rights as everybody else
812
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:46,393
just because
you're different,
813
00:37:46,473 --> 00:37:49,101
and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.
814
00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:51,687
So what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?
815
00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:53,113
(BUBBLING)
816
00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:56,820
I'm gonna try.
817
00:37:57,150 --> 00:37:58,618
JOHN: Hey, guys?
818
00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:00,787
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm having some trouble over here.
819
00:38:01,070 --> 00:38:02,071
What's the matter?
820
00:38:03,490 --> 00:38:04,912
Can you help me get home?
821
00:38:05,825 --> 00:38:07,953
(SOBBING) I'm having a really
hard time here, guys.
822
00:38:08,036 --> 00:38:09,663
TED: Johnny, it's okay,
buddy. It's okay.
823
00:38:09,746 --> 00:38:10,918
You're doing fine.
You're doing great.
824
00:38:10,997 --> 00:38:11,964
No, I'm scared. All right.
825
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:13,917
I know. Come on,
it's okay, though.
826
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:15,547
You just have to
hang onto the wall.
827
00:38:15,877 --> 00:38:16,878
- (HORN HONKS)
- (SCREAMS)
828
00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:18,383
Don't let the goose get me!
829
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:20,223
How far away
does he live?
830
00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:21,887
Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.
831
00:38:22,091 --> 00:38:23,138
Fuck, okay.
832
00:38:23,218 --> 00:38:26,097
Hey, it's okay. One foot
in front of the other.
833
00:38:26,346 --> 00:38:28,223
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
834
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:39,109
All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford,
Plessy vs. Ferguson
835
00:38:39,192 --> 00:38:40,990
and Brown vs. the Board of Education.
836
00:38:41,069 --> 00:38:45,415
I got Kramer vs. Kramer,
Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
837
00:38:45,490 --> 00:38:48,790
I got, uh, Ernest Goes to
Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail
838
00:38:48,868 --> 00:38:52,122
and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.
839
00:39:13,685 --> 00:39:15,528
Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few
test questions. Are you ready?
840
00:39:15,603 --> 00:39:16,695
Yep, bring it on.
841
00:39:16,771 --> 00:39:18,398
You're on the stand,
the DA says,
842
00:39:18,481 --> 00:39:20,654
"Ted, do you consider yourself
to be human?"
843
00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:21,859
- Objection!
- Sustained!
844
00:39:21,943 --> 00:39:22,944
No, the witness can't object.
845
00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:24,028
- Overruled!
- Sidebar?
846
00:39:24,112 --> 00:39:25,079
- Guilty!
- Speculation!
847
00:39:25,154 --> 00:39:26,656
- Hearsay! Briefcase!
- Bailiff! Disregard!
848
00:39:26,739 --> 00:39:28,241
- In my chambers!
- Stop beavering the witness!
849
00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:29,663
- I rest.
- We could totally be lawyers.
850
00:39:29,742 --> 00:39:30,743
Bang.
851
00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:01,608
(INAUDIBLE)
852
00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:58,464
Oh, my God! I'm gonna
fall off the building.
853
00:41:04,045 --> 00:41:06,218
Your name is Toby!
854
00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:08,220
You're going to learn
to say your name.
855
00:41:08,299 --> 00:41:09,926
Let me hear you say it.
856
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:12,057
What's your name?
857
00:41:13,346 --> 00:41:15,895
(BREATHING SHAKILY)
Kunta. Kunta Kinte.
858
00:41:16,349 --> 00:41:19,569
That's just like me.
That's exactly what I'm going through.
859
00:41:19,644 --> 00:41:21,066
Well, it's a little different.
860
00:41:21,396 --> 00:41:25,117
You know, Ted, if you legally become a
person, you're gonna need a last name.
861
00:41:25,566 --> 00:41:28,570
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, okay, I got one.
862
00:41:28,736 --> 00:41:29,737
Okay, what is it?
863
00:41:30,071 --> 00:41:31,573
Clubber Lang.
864
00:41:31,906 --> 00:41:33,328
Who is Clubber Lang?
865
00:41:33,408 --> 00:41:34,534
Who's Clubber Lang?
866
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:36,619
Mr. T's character
in Rocky III. Hello?
867
00:41:37,078 --> 00:41:38,671
Is that the boxing movies?
868
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:39,880
(SHOUTS) The boxing...
869
00:41:39,956 --> 00:41:41,674
- You've never seen Rocky?
- She's not serious.
870
00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:42,875
You've never seen Rocky?
871
00:41:42,959 --> 00:41:43,960
You know...
872
00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:46,296
(IMITATING ROCKY SOUNDTRACK)
873
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:48,927
You know, Rocky!
874
00:41:49,007 --> 00:41:50,680
I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen
875
00:41:50,758 --> 00:41:52,476
just because you're singing
a song I don't know.
876
00:41:52,593 --> 00:41:55,142
You don't know Samuel L. Jackson,
you don't know Rocky.
877
00:41:55,221 --> 00:41:57,019
You are literally
pop culture illiterate.
878
00:41:57,098 --> 00:41:58,520
I have a college degree.
879
00:41:58,599 --> 00:42:01,022
My pop culture references are
Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray.
880
00:42:01,102 --> 00:42:02,194
Ever heard of any of them?
881
00:42:02,270 --> 00:42:04,739
No, but I'm pretty sure
Mr. T could kick their ass!
882
00:42:04,814 --> 00:42:06,782
Yeah, Sam, you really
need to be educated.
883
00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:11,287
Oh, really? Um, can either of you
tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
884
00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:12,905
- Judy Blume?
- Hitler?
885
00:42:12,989 --> 00:42:14,206
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
886
00:42:14,282 --> 00:42:15,329
Who's that?
887
00:42:15,616 --> 00:42:16,617
The author.
888
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:18,206
Why are you saying,
"Fuck him"?
889
00:42:18,286 --> 00:42:19,253
What?
890
00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:20,705
You just said
"Eff Scott Fitzgerald."
891
00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:22,506
- What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
- Yeah.
892
00:42:22,582 --> 00:42:24,300
No, that's his first name.
893
00:42:24,584 --> 00:42:26,257
His name's
"Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
894
00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:27,461
What? No.
895
00:42:27,587 --> 00:42:28,884
Well, then, what's
the "F" stand for?
896
00:42:28,963 --> 00:42:29,964
Francis.
897
00:42:30,089 --> 00:42:31,591
- No. It's got to be "Fuck."
- It must be "Fuck."
898
00:42:31,674 --> 00:42:33,017
- It's got to be "Fuck."
- It has to be "Fuck."
899
00:42:33,092 --> 00:42:34,264
Why the hell
would it be "Fuck"?
900
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,016
Well, because otherwise,
why wouldn't he just say it?
901
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:37,472
Yeah, he's hiding
something. it's "Fuck."
902
00:42:37,513 --> 00:42:39,390
- Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
- Yeah, Sam. It's "Fuck."
903
00:42:39,474 --> 00:42:41,647
(LAUGHS) That's completely
insane. You guys are idiots.
904
00:42:41,726 --> 00:42:44,821
Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang.
Get used to it.
905
00:42:49,358 --> 00:42:50,484
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
906
00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:51,615
Yes!
907
00:42:53,488 --> 00:42:54,489
Sir?
908
00:42:54,822 --> 00:42:57,701
Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.
909
00:42:58,159 --> 00:42:59,160
I'm busy.
910
00:42:59,660 --> 00:43:01,287
Fresh cakes!
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
911
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:03,168
What is it, Danny'?
912
00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:04,589
Uh, Donny, sir.
913
00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:08,090
Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy
with the Comic Con presentation...
914
00:43:08,169 --> 00:43:10,547
I'm told that you have an
open-door policy here at Hasbro
915
00:43:10,630 --> 00:43:13,179
for new toy ideas
from any and all employees?
916
00:43:14,175 --> 00:43:15,973
Yeah, I suppose
that's true.
917
00:43:17,178 --> 00:43:18,521
All right, come in.
918
00:43:18,679 --> 00:43:20,147
Okay.
919
00:43:20,306 --> 00:43:22,855
Thank you. Thank you.
I love your dress.
920
00:43:28,981 --> 00:43:30,198
Mr. Jessup,
921
00:43:30,399 --> 00:43:32,822
I can make this company
a billion dollars.
922
00:43:33,194 --> 00:43:34,366
I'm listening.
923
00:43:35,488 --> 00:43:36,535
Thirty years ago,
924
00:43:36,697 --> 00:43:38,995
a little boy named
John Bennett made a wish
925
00:43:39,075 --> 00:43:41,328
that his teddy bear
would come to life.
926
00:43:41,494 --> 00:43:43,747
Somehow, one of
our Hasbro bears...
927
00:43:43,830 --> 00:43:45,548
Yes, I'm aware
of the story.
928
00:43:47,375 --> 00:43:49,093
Have you seen this?
929
00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:51,254
(SIGHS)
930
00:43:54,257 --> 00:43:55,349
So what?
931
00:43:55,424 --> 00:43:58,598
Well, Ted is suing
for his civil rights.
932
00:43:58,761 --> 00:44:01,640
If he loses, the state
will officially declare him
933
00:44:01,722 --> 00:44:04,350
a non-entity with
no rights under the law.
934
00:44:04,892 --> 00:44:07,020
That means
he becomes property.
935
00:44:07,478 --> 00:44:08,650
Mr. Jessup,
936
00:44:09,689 --> 00:44:13,910
we could take him back, with only a
trivial degree cf legal consequence
937
00:44:13,985 --> 00:44:15,532
if we were even caught.
938
00:44:15,736 --> 00:44:17,329
And why would
we do this?
939
00:44:17,405 --> 00:44:22,411
Sir, if we could cut him open
to see what makes him tick,
940
00:44:22,577 --> 00:44:26,707
we could manufacture millions of
Teds for every child in the world.
941
00:44:26,831 --> 00:44:29,425
Hasbro would double
its profits overnight.
942
00:44:30,501 --> 00:44:31,548
Go on.
943
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:34,426
We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.
944
00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:37,679
You use every back channel,
every bribe,
945
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:39,052
you call in every favor
946
00:44:39,135 --> 00:44:43,436
and you get the best lawyer
in the world on the defense.
947
00:44:43,931 --> 00:44:46,980
When Ted's rights
are officially null,
948
00:44:48,436 --> 00:44:49,904
we grab him.
949
00:44:51,314 --> 00:44:54,409
No one's going to kick up a
legal fuss over property.
950
00:44:55,109 --> 00:44:58,329
You're a hell of a lot smarter
than your urinal cakes, Danny.
951
00:44:58,779 --> 00:44:59,951
Really?
952
00:45:00,114 --> 00:45:02,458
Now, what exactly
do you want from this?
953
00:45:03,159 --> 00:45:05,912
Mr. Jessup, I'm not
interested in money.
954
00:45:08,331 --> 00:45:10,675
I just want a Ted
for my very own.
955
00:45:11,834 --> 00:45:14,963
All right. I think I can
handle the defense.
956
00:45:15,963 --> 00:45:17,556
But let's make
one thing clear.
957
00:45:17,632 --> 00:45:19,305
We never had
this conversation.
958
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:22,975
Goldner and the board cannot know
about this until we have him.
959
00:45:23,512 --> 00:45:24,889
Do you understand?
960
00:45:24,972 --> 00:45:26,315
(WHISPERS) Yes, I do.
961
00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:28,234
(EXHALES)
962
00:45:29,852 --> 00:45:31,854
I need Shep Wild.
963
00:45:34,690 --> 00:45:37,284
SAMANTHA: That was such
a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.
964
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:39,244
I've never had Pringles
on my steak before.
965
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:40,492
Oh, it's my pleasure.
966
00:45:40,571 --> 00:45:43,950
It's the least I can do with all
you're doing for us. Really.
967
00:45:44,033 --> 00:45:46,286
Oh, I haven't done
anything yet.
968
00:45:46,369 --> 00:45:48,087
Well, you know, we wanted
to take you out to dinner,
969
00:45:48,162 --> 00:45:52,167
but, uh, (SIGHS) all we got is Tami's income
these days since nobody will hire me.
970
00:45:52,250 --> 00:45:53,718
Things are getting
really tight, huh?
971
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:56,212
Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.
972
00:45:56,504 --> 00:45:59,883
BJs here! Get your BJs!
Get your red-hot BJs!
973
00:45:59,966 --> 00:46:02,765
Toothless and ready to go.
Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!
974
00:46:02,843 --> 00:46:04,186
Get your BJs here.
975
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:05,721
Wow.
976
00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:07,057
Hey, listen,
I got an idea.
977
00:46:07,139 --> 00:46:09,688
Uh, Tami, what do you say
you and me go do the dishes
978
00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:12,316
and give Sam and Diane
here some alone time, eh?
979
00:46:12,645 --> 00:46:14,864
(LAUGHS)
All right, all right.
980
00:46:15,147 --> 00:46:17,570
Hey, you go pull
a bad back, bitch!
981
00:46:19,193 --> 00:46:20,615
What do you think
that was about?
982
00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:22,951
Oh, it's nothing. That's his way
of saying I should ask you out.
983
00:46:23,030 --> 00:46:24,077
Ah.
984
00:46:24,156 --> 00:46:25,248
Uh, yeah, look...
985
00:46:25,324 --> 00:46:27,952
We should probably focus our
attention on the case for now.
986
00:46:28,035 --> 00:46:29,662
I completely agree.
987
00:46:30,705 --> 00:46:34,801
You know, l am a little bit curious.
How is it that a guy like you is unattached?
988
00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:40,389
Well, I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.
989
00:46:40,548 --> 00:46:42,721
Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks.
990
00:46:42,883 --> 00:46:46,353
No. I mean, we'd make
it work day to day,
991
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:48,431
but she was always
just trying to change me
992
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:49,731
into someone I'm not.
993
00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:51,608
And I tried, you know?
994
00:46:52,435 --> 00:46:55,905
I really tried everything I could
to be the man that she wanted.
995
00:46:56,397 --> 00:46:59,992
One day I woke up and I just
realized I wasn't myself anymore.
996
00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:04,914
You know, as much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.
997
00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:07,829
At least you
figured it out early.
998
00:47:08,117 --> 00:47:09,664
Some people go through
their whole lives
999
00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:11,587
trying to make it work
with the wrong person.
1000
00:47:12,163 --> 00:47:13,415
Yeah.
1001
00:47:14,707 --> 00:47:16,129
So, we're gonna
win this thing?
1002
00:47:16,584 --> 00:47:18,461
Honestly, I don't know.
1003
00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:20,338
Oh, we're betting on you.
1004
00:47:21,130 --> 00:47:23,553
Hey, Johnny, come on. It's almost 7:00.
We got to get up there.
1005
00:47:23,632 --> 00:47:24,929
Hey, Sam,
you want in on this?
1006
00:47:25,009 --> 00:47:26,056
What is it?
1007
00:47:26,135 --> 00:47:29,139
On Tuesday nights, we get fucked
up and throw apples at joggers.
1008
00:47:33,309 --> 00:47:34,356
Oh, there's one!
1009
00:47:34,435 --> 00:47:35,937
(ALL LAUGHS)
1010
00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:37,397
- TED: How's your workout?
- JOGGER: Fuck you!
1011
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,357
- Eat my pussy!
- Have some apples!
1012
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:40,942
Jesus, what the hell
is your problem?
1013
00:47:41,442 --> 00:47:43,661
It's everybody
else's fault, Mary Decker!
1014
00:47:44,070 --> 00:47:45,162
Barn!
1015
00:47:45,237 --> 00:47:47,410
You sons of bitches! What the
fuck is your... (GRUNTS)
1016
00:47:47,948 --> 00:47:49,200
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1017
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:52,787
That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!
1018
00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:55,498
That's what you get
for fucking exercising!
1019
00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:57,708
That is unbelievable!
1020
00:48:32,159 --> 00:48:33,251
Teddy.
1021
00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:35,750
Teddy, I'm scared.
1022
00:48:35,830 --> 00:48:37,082
Baby, we're gonna be fine.
1023
00:48:37,164 --> 00:48:40,384
I don't care what any fucking piece
of paper says. You're my wife.
1024
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,503
I love you so much.
1025
00:48:42,586 --> 00:48:43,838
And I swear to God,
if we lose,
1026
00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:45,514
I'm gonna
fucking cut that judge.
1027
00:48:45,673 --> 00:48:47,220
Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?
1028
00:48:47,299 --> 00:48:48,300
Yeah.
1029
00:48:48,384 --> 00:48:50,762
But they patted us down on the way
in here. Where'd you even hide it?
1030
00:48:50,845 --> 00:48:52,267
Oh!
1031
00:48:53,514 --> 00:48:54,561
Hey, Sam.
1032
00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:56,942
Who's that buttnut
over there'?
1033
00:48:59,395 --> 00:49:02,524
That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.
1034
00:49:02,606 --> 00:49:04,358
It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.
1035
00:49:05,025 --> 00:49:06,823
He's never lost
a case in his life.
1036
00:49:07,445 --> 00:49:11,166
Mr. Wild, your opening
statement, if you please.
1037
00:49:11,449 --> 00:49:12,826
Thank you, Your Honor.
1038
00:49:13,742 --> 00:49:16,541
I would first like to thank the
ladies and gentlemen of the jury
1039
00:49:16,912 --> 00:49:19,711
for taking time out
of their busy schedules
1040
00:49:20,124 --> 00:49:21,967
to be a part of
these proceedings.
1041
00:49:22,418 --> 00:49:27,640
Now, the case we'll be examining
today is really quite a simple one.
1042
00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:30,260
Is Ted a human being?
1043
00:49:30,718 --> 00:49:32,311
Or a piece of property?
1044
00:49:33,137 --> 00:49:38,940
You know, it really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.
1045
00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:43,523
It's a gift from God bestowed
upon only one species.
1046
00:49:43,981 --> 00:49:45,028
Us.
1047
00:49:45,649 --> 00:49:48,448
But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,
1048
00:49:49,445 --> 00:49:50,913
where does that lead us?
1049
00:49:51,572 --> 00:49:53,574
Does your dog
deserve human rights?
1050
00:49:54,074 --> 00:49:55,371
Your cat?
1051
00:49:55,451 --> 00:49:56,873
Your toaster?
1052
00:49:56,952 --> 00:49:57,999
(ALL CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1053
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:03,300
Suddenly, being human doesn't
seem so special anymore, does it?
1054
00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:07,179
I'm confident you'll
make the right decision.
1055
00:50:08,214 --> 00:50:10,967
JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.
1056
00:50:11,342 --> 00:50:12,559
Ms. Jackson?
1057
00:50:18,474 --> 00:50:19,691
Hi.
1058
00:50:20,601 --> 00:50:22,478
I am Samantha Jackson.
1059
00:50:22,937 --> 00:50:25,156
I got to be honest
with you. I'm...
1060
00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:27,863
I'm a little nervous.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1061
00:50:28,317 --> 00:50:29,990
Why am I nervous? Um...
1062
00:50:31,070 --> 00:50:34,620
Well, not because I'm a junior
attorney arguing her first case.
1063
00:50:35,282 --> 00:50:36,875
And not because
some of you might laugh
1064
00:50:36,951 --> 00:50:39,670
at the fact that
I'm representing a teddy bear.
1065
00:50:39,870 --> 00:50:41,122
(SOFT LAUGHTER)
1066
00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:46,757
No, I'm... I'm nervous
because of one simple word.
1067
00:50:49,213 --> 00:50:50,465
"Justice."
1068
00:50:51,382 --> 00:50:56,058
I'm nervous that you're
going to be swayed
1069
00:50:56,220 --> 00:50:59,224
by smooth talk
and a haircut,
1070
00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:03,603
and forget about the most
important aspect of this case.
1071
00:51:04,979 --> 00:51:06,151
Justice.
1072
00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:09,275
A hundred
and fifty years ago
1073
00:51:09,400 --> 00:51:11,744
a slave by the
name of Dred Scott
1074
00:51:11,819 --> 00:51:15,414
sued to prove that he was a person
and not a piece of property.
1075
00:51:15,864 --> 00:51:17,332
He lost.
1076
00:51:17,575 --> 00:51:21,580
And as history has shown
us, that wasn’t justice.
1077
00:51:23,872 --> 00:51:26,546
In every
civil rights conflict,
1078
00:51:27,209 --> 00:51:31,259
we are only able to recognize
the just point of view
1079
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:33,181
years after the fact.
1080
00:51:33,674 --> 00:51:35,847
And when the next
conflict comes along,
1081
00:51:36,010 --> 00:51:39,014
we're once again blind
to it as it's happening.
1082
00:51:40,014 --> 00:51:43,439
"Well, this is different,"
we say, but it isn't.
1083
00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:47,776
It is the same beast, just
wearing a different face,
1084
00:51:47,855 --> 00:51:49,482
and it's happening
again today.
1085
00:51:51,025 --> 00:51:54,245
So I urge you, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
1086
00:51:54,403 --> 00:51:57,532
not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.
1087
00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:02,373
Don't wait too long
to be right.
1088
00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:05,130
Thank you.
1089
00:52:09,209 --> 00:52:10,210
Erection.
1090
00:52:10,377 --> 00:52:11,924
Sustained.
1091
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:17,552
Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child.
1092
00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:18,682
Is that correct?
1093
00:52:19,053 --> 00:52:20,100
Yeah.
1094
00:52:20,512 --> 00:52:21,809
And if I may inquire,
1095
00:52:21,889 --> 00:52:24,142
why did you not choose to
have a child of your own?
1096
00:52:24,850 --> 00:52:26,352
Because Teddy
ain't got no dick.
1097
00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:28,107
(LAUGHTER)
1098
00:52:30,105 --> 00:52:31,152
Uh-huh.
1099
00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:35,953
And, uh, why does Ted not
possess a, uh, male appendage?
1100
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:37,780
Is it a freak of genetics?
1101
00:52:38,072 --> 00:52:40,495
No, asshole, he ain't got a dick
because he's a fucking toy!
1102
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:41,621
What's your excuse?
1103
00:52:41,742 --> 00:52:43,369
Whoa-ho! Take a burn!
1104
00:52:43,452 --> 00:52:45,921
Yeah! How's your tongue taste
in your own ass, Poindexter?
1105
00:52:45,996 --> 00:52:47,213
Yeah! How'd you...
What?
1106
00:52:47,331 --> 00:52:49,049
- (GAVEL BANGS)
- Order!
1107
00:52:50,250 --> 00:52:51,342
Mr. Bennett,
1108
00:52:51,919 --> 00:52:55,093
how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?
1109
00:52:56,006 --> 00:52:57,258
He's my best friend.
1110
00:52:57,675 --> 00:52:59,769
So you don't see him
as your property.
1111
00:53:00,094 --> 00:53:02,722
No, he's not my property.
He's a person.
1112
00:53:02,805 --> 00:53:04,807
He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.
1113
00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:06,267
I mean, fucking Steven Tyler?
1114
00:53:06,350 --> 00:53:07,602
What the fuck is that?
Some kind of
1115
00:53:07,685 --> 00:53:09,278
weird soccer-mom-looking
Goonie monster?
1116
00:53:09,353 --> 00:53:10,855
- WILD: Your Honor?
- I'll allow it.
1117
00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:12,656
Thank you, Your Honor.
1118
00:53:13,315 --> 00:53:14,783
Your witness.
1119
00:53:15,275 --> 00:53:16,618
(CLEARS THROAT)
1120
00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:19,495
Mr. Bennett,
1121
00:53:20,364 --> 00:53:22,617
when and where did
you first encounter Ted?
1122
00:53:23,117 --> 00:53:25,461
Oh, what do you mean? My parents
got him for me when I was a kid.
1123
00:53:25,577 --> 00:53:27,671
A-ha. They "got him."
1124
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,628
Where did they get him?
1125
00:53:33,460 --> 00:53:34,712
Child World toy store.
1126
00:53:34,795 --> 00:53:36,718
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Could you repeat that, please?
1127
00:53:36,797 --> 00:53:38,424
Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.
1128
00:53:38,507 --> 00:53:39,884
There's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett.
1129
00:53:39,967 --> 00:53:41,264
Why? Nobody here likes you!
1130
00:53:41,343 --> 00:53:43,391
I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!
1131
00:53:43,470 --> 00:53:44,562
- Your Honor?
- Mr. Bennett.
1132
00:53:44,638 --> 00:53:46,015
I hope your kids
get bird flu!
1133
00:53:46,140 --> 00:53:47,141
Mr. Bennett!
1134
00:53:47,224 --> 00:53:48,225
I'm sorry.
1135
00:53:48,475 --> 00:53:51,524
Now, you said your
parents purchased Ted,
1136
00:53:51,687 --> 00:53:54,987
as one might purchase a
baseball glove or a Big Wheel.
1137
00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:56,237
No, it's not like that!
1138
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:57,317
Objection!
1139
00:53:57,401 --> 00:53:58,618
You can't do that!
1140
00:53:58,694 --> 00:53:59,911
You know what?
This is bullshit!
1141
00:53:59,987 --> 00:54:01,739
This court is
trying to tell me
1142
00:54:01,822 --> 00:54:03,199
that I'm not as good
as other people,
1143
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:05,496
and this is exactly what
you've been doing to the fags!
1144
00:54:05,576 --> 00:54:06,577
Ted!
1145
00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:07,627
Sorry, sorry.
The homos, the homos.
1146
00:54:07,703 --> 00:54:09,250
This is exactly
what you've been doing
1147
00:54:09,329 --> 00:54:10,831
to the homos,
and I say it's wrong!
1148
00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:13,508
Ms. Jackson,
please control your client
1149
00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:15,678
or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court!
1150
00:54:15,753 --> 00:54:16,845
Oh, piss off!
1151
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:19,594
I'm standing up for me and I'm
standing up for the homos!
1152
00:54:19,673 --> 00:54:20,765
We deserve respect!
1153
00:54:20,841 --> 00:54:21,842
Ted, shut up!
1154
00:54:21,967 --> 00:54:23,219
Fine.
1155
00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:25,895
(ANGRY BIRDS SOUNDTRACK PLAYS)
1156
00:54:32,478 --> 00:54:34,947
Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.
1157
00:54:35,022 --> 00:54:36,023
Yes!
1158
00:54:36,315 --> 00:54:38,283
My turn, assholes!
1159
00:54:43,489 --> 00:54:44,536
Ted.
1160
00:54:45,282 --> 00:54:46,499
Do you love your wife?
1161
00:54:46,575 --> 00:54:49,704
Objection. She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.
1162
00:54:49,912 --> 00:54:51,380
I'll rephrase.
1163
00:54:52,498 --> 00:54:53,966
Do you love Tami-Lynn?
1164
00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:57,469
I love my wife. Okay?
My wife.
1165
00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:58,966
More than anything
in the world.
1166
00:54:59,046 --> 00:55:01,265
We're married. I don't
care what anybody says.
1167
00:55:01,673 --> 00:55:05,223
So you're saying you are
capable of feeling love.
1168
00:55:05,594 --> 00:55:06,766
Yeah.
1169
00:55:07,095 --> 00:55:08,722
Hey, it must be weird
for you guys,
1170
00:55:08,806 --> 00:55:10,183
having a doll up here
on the stand
1171
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:12,484
with no kid pointing to where
his uncle touched him, huh?
1172
00:55:12,601 --> 00:55:13,693
(CHUCKLES)
1173
00:55:13,769 --> 00:55:14,941
Yeah, no, yeah, no.
1174
00:55:15,020 --> 00:55:17,990
Yeah, I am capable.
I love a lot of stuff. Yeah.
1175
00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:22,695
Ted, do you believe
you have a soul?
1176
00:55:24,071 --> 00:55:26,449
(SINGING)
♪ What did you think ♪
1177
00:55:26,865 --> 00:55:29,459
♪ I would do at this moment ♪
1178
00:55:29,910 --> 00:55:32,754
♪ When you're standing before me ♪
1179
00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:35,549
♪ With tears in your eyes ♪
1180
00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:37,676
Will that answer your question?
1181
00:55:37,751 --> 00:55:39,219
Objection. Your Honor?
1182
00:55:39,419 --> 00:55:41,171
(SINGSONGY) ♪ Overruled! ♪
1183
00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:44,467
A-ha! What it is, man!
Dynomite.
1184
00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:46,601
Ted. Right, right. Sorry, sorry.
1185
00:55:47,761 --> 00:55:50,810
Look, I'm not
a scientist, okay?
1186
00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:54,776
I don't know exactly what
makes a person a person.
1187
00:55:54,935 --> 00:55:57,404
All I know is I feel stuff.
1188
00:55:57,896 --> 00:55:59,273
Just like all you guys.
1189
00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:02,780
And I don't think I ought to
be treated any different.
1190
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:08,282
Capable of love.
1191
00:56:09,449 --> 00:56:11,497
Aware of his
own consciousness.
1192
00:56:14,288 --> 00:56:16,006
Seems pretty human to me.
1193
00:56:16,957 --> 00:56:18,880
No further questions.
1194
00:56:19,585 --> 00:56:20,632
Mr. Kidder,
1195
00:56:20,878 --> 00:56:25,133
you were an employee at Hasbro from
1976 to 1998. Is that correct?
1196
00:56:25,299 --> 00:56:28,223
Yes, I supervised the
stuffing of the teddy bears.
1197
00:56:28,677 --> 00:56:30,224
And what is that
stuffing made of?
1198
00:56:30,304 --> 00:56:32,727
A synthetic
cotton-poly blend.
1199
00:56:32,890 --> 00:56:34,563
Is there anything else
in there?
1200
00:56:34,892 --> 00:56:38,817
The bear products are affixed with
an electronic device in the chest
1201
00:56:39,146 --> 00:56:42,275
which can be programmed to
say any one of five phrases.
1202
00:56:43,817 --> 00:56:44,818
Hmm.
1203
00:56:47,905 --> 00:56:48,997
Ted.
1204
00:56:49,990 --> 00:56:51,742
Would you please
press your chest?
1205
00:56:53,952 --> 00:56:54,999
What?
1206
00:56:55,454 --> 00:56:58,173
Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.
1207
00:57:03,337 --> 00:57:04,839
TED TOY VOICE:
I love you!
1208
00:57:05,213 --> 00:57:06,430
(CROWD MURMURING)
1209
00:57:15,223 --> 00:57:16,600
No further questions.
1210
00:57:19,353 --> 00:57:21,196
FEMALE NEWSCASTER:
Also in the news, a pending court case
1211
00:57:21,313 --> 00:57:23,361
is beginning to get
national attention
1212
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:25,408
for its civil
rights ramifications.
1213
00:57:25,525 --> 00:57:27,402
Ted, the bear,
who some of you may remember
1214
00:57:27,486 --> 00:57:30,990
came to life back in the
mid-80s right here in Boston,
1215
00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:34,160
is suing to prove
he is indeed a person.
1216
00:57:34,451 --> 00:57:36,954
Okay, so what are we
even talking about here?
1217
00:57:37,037 --> 00:57:40,917
What we're talking about is a civil
rights issue. This bear has rights.
1218
00:57:40,999 --> 00:57:42,967
- Oh, come on!
- He does not! He's a toy.
1219
00:57:43,043 --> 00:57:44,545
Then why are you
calling it a "he"?
1220
00:57:44,628 --> 00:57:46,972
Look, we call the Statue
of Liberty "she,"
1221
00:57:47,047 --> 00:57:50,392
but we all know it's an object
made of copper and steel.
1222
00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:51,514
Oh, good point.
1223
00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:54,976
- Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient. He is.
- Mmm-hmm.
1224
00:57:55,222 --> 00:57:56,269
(SCOFFS)
Now, come on!
1225
00:57:56,348 --> 00:57:57,975
Are any of you gonna
sit there and tell me
1226
00:57:58,058 --> 00:57:59,776
that this stuffed
doll is a person?
1227
00:57:59,851 --> 00:58:00,818
- No.
- Not at all.
1228
00:58:00,894 --> 00:58:02,066
We all agree
all the time.
1229
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,489
I don't think he should want
to be considered a person.
1230
00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:06,441
After all, you know,
Ted spent many years
1231
00:58:06,525 --> 00:58:08,323
sleeping and cuddling
with a child.
1232
00:58:08,402 --> 00:58:10,245
That's cute when
you're a stuffed animal.
1233
00:58:10,320 --> 00:58:12,322
When you're a person,
that's a felony.
1234
00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:13,908
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1235
00:58:14,241 --> 00:58:17,211
Ted, do you have anything
to say in your own defense?
1236
00:58:17,577 --> 00:58:21,957
I am not an animal!
1237
00:58:22,416 --> 00:58:23,918
(LAUGHTER)
1238
00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:26,754
You see, Your Honor?
1239
00:58:26,837 --> 00:58:28,180
He's not an animal.
1240
00:58:28,547 --> 00:58:29,548
(SNIFFLES)
1241
00:58:29,798 --> 00:58:31,175
(GROWLING)
1242
00:58:36,555 --> 00:58:39,104
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm on my period.
1243
00:58:39,766 --> 00:58:45,273
- And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
- (APPLAUSE)
1244
00:58:45,856 --> 00:58:47,904
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1245
00:59:02,789 --> 00:59:04,712
What is taking
them so long?
1246
00:59:04,791 --> 00:59:06,589
Oh, is it bad that
they're taking this long?
1247
00:59:06,668 --> 00:59:08,295
It's not good or bad.
It just means
1248
00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:09,846
that they're probably
having a debate.
1249
00:59:10,297 --> 00:59:12,675
Johnny, it may be time
to play the Betelgeuse card.
1250
00:59:12,758 --> 00:59:13,759
What do you mean?
1251
00:59:13,842 --> 00:59:15,435
I mean saying his
name three times.
1252
00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:16,557
What?
1253
00:59:16,636 --> 00:59:17,808
Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.
1254
00:59:17,888 --> 00:59:18,980
Shut up!
1255
00:59:19,139 --> 00:59:20,391
You fucking crazy?
We don't want
1256
00:59:20,474 --> 00:59:21,646
that guy running
around in here.
1257
00:59:21,725 --> 00:59:22,897
No, Johnny,
he'll be on our side.
1258
00:59:22,976 --> 00:59:24,319
He'll help us.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...
1259
00:59:24,394 --> 00:59:26,988
You are meddling with powers
you do not understand.
1260
00:59:27,064 --> 00:59:28,156
Cut the shit.
1261
00:59:28,565 --> 00:59:30,112
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
1262
00:59:40,327 --> 00:59:41,419
Please be seated.
1263
00:59:44,289 --> 00:59:47,088
Mr. Willer, has the jury
reached a verdict?
1264
00:59:47,334 --> 00:59:49,177
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
(CLEARS THROAT)
1265
00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:53,932
Um, in the case of
Ted vs. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
1266
00:59:54,049 --> 00:59:59,351
we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
in that Ted is not a person.
1267
00:59:59,846 --> 01:00:01,143
(CROWD MURMURING)
1268
01:00:08,021 --> 01:00:09,022
(SIGHS)
1269
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:11,153
(GAVEL BANGING)
1270
01:00:11,650 --> 01:00:12,697
JUDGE: Very well.
1271
01:00:12,901 --> 01:00:15,745
The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.
1272
01:00:16,279 --> 01:00:18,873
The definition entails
the rights thereof
1273
01:00:18,949 --> 01:00:21,418
and will be recognized
in the terms set
1274
01:00:21,493 --> 01:00:23,871
by the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts.
1275
01:00:23,954 --> 01:00:27,049
The court wishes to thank
the jury for its service.
1276
01:00:34,214 --> 01:00:36,137
Are you sure
you can get him?
1277
01:00:36,299 --> 01:00:38,222
Remember, you're
on your own out there.
1278
01:00:38,301 --> 01:00:40,178
Hasbro can have
no connection to this.
1279
01:00:40,345 --> 01:00:41,847
Oh, I'll get him.
1280
01:00:42,305 --> 01:00:44,399
And when I have him, I'll call
you with the code phrase.
1281
01:00:45,725 --> 01:00:47,352
Do you remember what it is?
1282
01:00:47,727 --> 01:00:48,944
Yes, I remember it.
1283
01:00:49,104 --> 01:00:50,356
Should we say it
just for safety?
1284
01:00:50,438 --> 01:00:51,439
No, that's not necessary.
1285
01:00:51,523 --> 01:00:52,490
Say it. Just say it.
Say it.
1286
01:00:52,566 --> 01:00:53,738
I don't want to.
I don't have to.
1287
01:00:53,859 --> 01:00:54,906
Fresh cakes.
1288
01:00:55,819 --> 01:00:57,071
Fresh cakes.
1289
01:01:05,579 --> 01:01:07,502
(SNIFFLING)
This isn't fucking fair.
1290
01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:09,507
Teddy's a good man.
1291
01:01:09,916 --> 01:01:12,465
Why is he being treated
differently than everybody else?
1292
01:01:12,878 --> 01:01:15,097
(SCOFFS) It's what
this country does best.
1293
01:01:15,172 --> 01:01:17,174
Putting different people
into little groups
1294
01:01:17,257 --> 01:01:18,634
and making them
watch Tyler Perry.
1295
01:01:18,717 --> 01:01:19,934
It's wrong!
1296
01:01:21,303 --> 01:01:22,680
I'm so sorry, baby.
1297
01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:26,274
No, I'm sorry! I thought
I'd built a better case.
1298
01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:27,521
It's just...
1299
01:01:27,601 --> 01:01:29,854
The reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.
1300
01:01:29,978 --> 01:01:31,025
Hey, come on.
1301
01:01:31,104 --> 01:01:33,778
Nobody's blaming you for this.
You did everything you could.
1302
01:01:33,899 --> 01:01:35,947
(SIGHS) I... I'm sitting here
1303
01:01:36,026 --> 01:01:38,370
and I...
I can't believe it's official.
1304
01:01:38,820 --> 01:01:40,367
Oh, so what are
we gonna do now?
1305
01:01:40,447 --> 01:01:43,291
I mean, we can't take this lying
down, right? We got to do something.
1306
01:01:44,075 --> 01:01:46,794
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
1307
01:01:46,953 --> 01:01:48,045
Who's that?
1308
01:01:48,330 --> 01:01:51,004
He is the top civil rights
attorney in America.
1309
01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:53,547
Wait. Is he the one who got that
female midget into the Marines?
1310
01:01:53,627 --> 01:01:54,628
Yeah.
1311
01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:56,054
Yeah, that had a sad ending
though, you remember?
1312
01:01:56,129 --> 01:01:57,506
She was at
a Veterans Day parade,
1313
01:01:57,589 --> 01:01:58,841
and somebody handed her
a bunch of balloons
1314
01:01:58,924 --> 01:02:00,096
and... (WHOOSHES)
Gone!
1315
01:02:00,300 --> 01:02:02,268
It was very sad.
Very sad for the family.
1316
01:02:02,427 --> 01:02:04,896
You know what? If anyone can get
this verdict overturned, it's him.
1317
01:02:04,971 --> 01:02:06,063
He's not cheap,
1318
01:02:06,139 --> 01:02:08,233
but we've become such
a high profile case,
1319
01:02:08,308 --> 01:02:10,561
I feel like he might
take it pro Bono.
1320
01:02:10,644 --> 01:02:12,066
He's a sucker for media.
1321
01:02:15,857 --> 01:02:17,575
Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer, huh?
1322
01:02:17,651 --> 01:02:19,153
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1323
01:02:20,320 --> 01:02:22,914
Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.
1324
01:02:22,989 --> 01:02:26,334
I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted vs. Massachusetts.
1325
01:02:27,244 --> 01:02:28,245
Hey!
1326
01:02:28,328 --> 01:02:32,378
Hi, Mr. Meighan. Thank you
so much for taking my call.
1327
01:02:33,041 --> 01:02:34,088
(JOHN GRUNTING)
1328
01:02:34,167 --> 01:02:36,920
Oh, you've been following
the case. That's great.
1329
01:02:37,963 --> 01:02:39,840
- Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.
- (BOTH GRUNTING)
1330
01:02:39,923 --> 01:02:41,766
Yeah, I was wondering
1331
01:02:41,841 --> 01:02:46,187
if, um, maybe you would consider helping
us try to overturn the verdict.
1332
01:02:48,056 --> 01:02:52,027
Well, yeah. I mean, it would
have to be a pro Bono situation
1333
01:02:52,102 --> 01:02:54,275
because we're not really
working with much money.
1334
01:02:54,354 --> 01:02:56,573
But I think you'll be
impressed with my client.
1335
01:02:56,648 --> 01:02:58,446
Oh! Ha-ha! Motherfucker!
1336
01:02:58,525 --> 01:02:59,777
Sure.
1337
01:02:59,859 --> 01:03:03,159
Yeah, great.
Okay. Thank you so much!
1338
01:03:03,238 --> 01:03:05,582
Okay, I'll see you then. Bye.
1339
01:03:05,865 --> 01:03:07,037
Oh, my God!
1340
01:03:07,117 --> 01:03:08,994
He said he'll meet with
us on Friday at 9:00 A.M.
1341
01:03:09,077 --> 01:03:10,499
at his office in New York.
1342
01:03:10,578 --> 01:03:11,795
Is he gonna take the case?
1343
01:03:11,871 --> 01:03:13,919
I don't want to jinx it,
but I think so.
1344
01:03:14,082 --> 01:03:16,210
- Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny?
- (LAUGHS)
1345
01:03:16,293 --> 01:03:17,510
- I still get a shot!
- JOHN: Yes!
1346
01:03:17,585 --> 01:03:19,212
Oh, my God!
We got to celebrate!
1347
01:03:19,379 --> 01:03:20,471
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
1348
01:03:20,547 --> 01:03:22,891
Let's go down to the improv
and yell sad suggestions?
1349
01:03:22,966 --> 01:03:23,967
Fuck yeah!
1350
01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:27,054
So first we need a historical event.
Who's got an event?
1351
01:03:27,220 --> 01:03:28,221
TED: 9/11.
1352
01:03:28,388 --> 01:03:30,891
(STUTTERS) Okay,
maybe something else.
1353
01:03:31,057 --> 01:03:32,650
All right, let's
start with a person.
1354
01:03:32,726 --> 01:03:33,818
JOHN: Robin Williams!
1355
01:03:33,977 --> 01:03:37,197
Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
Who's got a person?
1356
01:03:37,272 --> 01:03:39,149
TED: Robin Williams on 9/11.
1357
01:03:39,232 --> 01:03:40,984
All right, we've heard
from these guys.
1358
01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:43,820
Let's maybe give somebody
else over here a chance.
1359
01:03:43,903 --> 01:03:45,701
How about a location?
Let's go with a location.
1360
01:03:45,780 --> 01:03:47,748
TED: The offices
of Charlie Hebdo.
1361
01:03:48,033 --> 01:03:50,912
Okay, seriously, sir, uh,
I just need a location.
1362
01:03:50,994 --> 01:03:52,211
JOHN: Ferguson, Missouri.
1363
01:03:52,287 --> 01:03:53,664
TED: Germanwings cockpit.
1364
01:03:53,830 --> 01:03:55,798
- Okay, I heard "Starbucks."
- TED: No, you didn't.
1365
01:03:55,874 --> 01:03:57,046
JOHN: Nobody said "Starbucks."
1366
01:03:57,125 --> 01:04:00,254
All right, Starbucks. Okay,
now, who's in the Starbucks?
1367
01:04:00,420 --> 01:04:01,592
TED: Bill Cosby.
1368
01:04:01,755 --> 01:04:02,927
You people are monsters.
1369
01:04:03,173 --> 01:04:04,675
JOHN: We're giving you
the tools, buddy.
1370
01:04:04,758 --> 01:04:06,260
Come on,
make some fucking comedy.
1371
01:04:17,604 --> 01:04:19,652
All right. We'll be back
tomorrow afternoon.
1372
01:04:19,814 --> 01:04:21,816
I love you so much, Teddy.
1373
01:04:21,983 --> 01:04:25,328
You go kick some ass because I am
not taking off this wedding ring.
1374
01:04:25,487 --> 01:04:28,616
I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.
1375
01:05:03,650 --> 01:05:05,778
(HIP-HOP PLAYING ON STEREO)
1376
01:05:13,201 --> 01:05:15,203
(SINGING) ♪ If you wanna sit
there with a pie of meat ♪
1377
01:05:15,286 --> 01:05:17,505
♪ Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat ♪
1378
01:05:17,580 --> 01:05:20,379
♪ Oh, why can't you
just say please? ♪
1379
01:05:20,458 --> 01:05:22,961
♪ Hey! Must be the money ♪
1380
01:05:23,670 --> 01:05:26,264
Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel
bag that says "Arizona State"?
1381
01:05:26,339 --> 01:05:27,716
Because that's
where I went to school.
1382
01:05:27,841 --> 01:05:29,889
What, you went
to Arizona State?
1383
01:05:29,968 --> 01:05:30,969
Yeah, why?
1384
01:05:31,052 --> 01:05:33,100
Oh, man, that's why
we lost the case.
1385
01:05:33,179 --> 01:05:34,271
- Hello?
- You're dicks.
1386
01:05:34,347 --> 01:05:37,601
Arizona State. Hey, how many times
you been fucked on a houseboat?
1387
01:05:37,725 --> 01:05:39,693
- (LAUGHING)
- (LAUGHING)
1388
01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:40,861
Oh, come on.
1389
01:05:40,937 --> 01:05:42,109
Did you write
your dissertation
1390
01:05:42,188 --> 01:05:44,532
on the collected
works of, uh, Red Bull?
1391
01:05:44,691 --> 01:05:46,693
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
I got an A on it.
1392
01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:51,073
TED: So do you say "Arizona State
University" or do you just say "HPVU"?
1393
01:05:55,910 --> 01:05:58,459
This is perfect. We're gonna
get to the city before 10:00.
1394
01:05:58,872 --> 01:06:00,670
Hey, Sam,
how's your boring salad?
1395
01:06:00,748 --> 01:06:02,216
Mmm, it's actually delicious.
1396
01:06:02,375 --> 01:06:04,298
Everybody always says
that about their salad.
1397
01:06:04,377 --> 01:06:05,629
They're all
a bunch of fucking liars.
1398
01:06:05,795 --> 01:06:07,672
No, I love it.
It's really good.
1399
01:06:07,755 --> 01:06:10,099
Have some Cookie Crisp.
You need something nutritional.
1400
01:06:10,216 --> 01:06:11,559
Why do you think
I want your Cookie Crisp?
1401
01:06:11,634 --> 01:06:13,386
Because you've been staring
at it, and you want it.
1402
01:06:13,553 --> 01:06:16,397
Hey, what's the deal here?
You guys ever gonna make out or what?
1403
01:06:16,723 --> 01:06:17,975
Teddy, come on, dude!
1404
01:06:18,057 --> 01:06:21,311
No, I'm just saying. You look like
you're hitting it off, you know?
1405
01:06:21,561 --> 01:06:23,279
Sam, you dig him, right?
1406
01:06:25,273 --> 01:06:26,320
MAN: Hey!
1407
01:06:26,399 --> 01:06:28,276
Where the hell's my coffee?
I've been waiting for 10 minutes.
1408
01:06:28,359 --> 01:06:30,578
I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot.
I'll get it right away.
1409
01:06:30,695 --> 01:06:33,494
Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not
building rockets. Figure it out!
1410
01:06:34,073 --> 01:06:35,495
What a prick!
1411
01:06:35,950 --> 01:06:38,578
Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a
Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.
1412
01:06:38,745 --> 01:06:39,917
Wait, let me try.
1413
01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:42,457
I used to pitch for the
softball team at Arizona State.
1414
01:06:42,540 --> 01:06:44,417
Oh, yeah? Was your
mascot a broken condom?
1415
01:06:44,667 --> 01:06:46,010
Shut up.
1416
01:06:46,753 --> 01:06:48,505
- Oh, my God!
- Holy shit!
1417
01:06:48,588 --> 01:06:50,340
Who did that?
1418
01:06:50,590 --> 01:06:53,343
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!
1419
01:06:53,426 --> 01:06:55,178
Now, we're assholes.
Look what you did.
1420
01:06:55,261 --> 01:06:58,014
I swear to God, I'll kick
your goddamn ass! Who was it?
1421
01:06:58,097 --> 01:07:01,021
Uh, sir, I apologize
for my 5-year-old son.
1422
01:07:01,226 --> 01:07:02,478
(IN KID'S VOICE) I'm sowwy!
1423
01:07:02,602 --> 01:07:03,649
Sowwy, sir.
1424
01:07:03,770 --> 01:07:06,193
- Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies. I'm sorry.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1425
01:07:06,773 --> 01:07:10,118
Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.
1426
01:07:10,568 --> 01:07:12,696
Oh, my God. Now we're
even bigger assholes.
1427
01:07:12,779 --> 01:07:14,452
Go get my Cookie
Crisp out of his ass.
1428
01:07:14,614 --> 01:07:15,911
You guys making
trouble over here?
1429
01:07:15,990 --> 01:07:17,663
Uh, no, ma'am. We're just
minding our business.
1430
01:07:17,992 --> 01:07:20,120
Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?
1431
01:07:20,870 --> 01:07:22,292
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
1432
01:07:22,705 --> 01:07:23,706
Oh.
1433
01:07:24,123 --> 01:07:25,340
Good.
1434
01:07:25,625 --> 01:07:27,047
We'll just get the check.
Thanks.
1435
01:07:27,126 --> 01:07:28,423
Of course.
1436
01:07:30,755 --> 01:07:31,756
TED: Oh, my God.
1437
01:07:31,839 --> 01:07:34,809
John, did you see that? She was
totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.
1438
01:07:35,051 --> 01:07:36,052
No, she wasn't.
1439
01:07:36,135 --> 01:07:37,478
She was giving you
the fuck-me eyes.
1440
01:07:37,637 --> 01:07:38,854
What are the fuck-me eyes?
1441
01:07:39,013 --> 01:07:41,516
It's... Some women just
have fuck-me eyes.
1442
01:07:41,975 --> 01:07:43,227
Do I have fuck-me eyes?
1443
01:07:43,309 --> 01:07:45,732
No, you have "Give us the
ring, my precious" eyes.
1444
01:07:46,312 --> 01:07:47,313
We better get going.
1445
01:07:47,397 --> 01:07:49,399
We got two hours of driving
left and I'm kind of beat.
1446
01:07:49,482 --> 01:07:51,155
Yeah, we got to be
well rested for tomorrow.
1447
01:07:51,234 --> 01:07:53,157
I'll drive.
You can take a nap.
1448
01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:54,491
You don't have a license.
1449
01:07:54,571 --> 01:07:56,073
Who cares?
Johnny lets me drive
1450
01:07:56,155 --> 01:07:57,577
every once in a while
when he's too hammered.
1451
01:07:57,657 --> 01:07:58,658
I'm a fucking pro!
1452
01:07:59,284 --> 01:08:00,501
Besides,
1453
01:08:00,577 --> 01:08:03,080
I've been kicked around
a lot this week. I just...
1454
01:08:03,413 --> 01:08:05,256
I want to feel useful,
you know?
1455
01:08:05,873 --> 01:08:06,999
Twenty minutes
behind the wheel.
1456
01:08:07,166 --> 01:08:08,167
Yay!
1457
01:08:08,334 --> 01:08:09,881
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
1458
01:08:32,317 --> 01:08:34,536
- (TYRES SCREECHING)
- (HORN HONKING)
1459
01:08:57,884 --> 01:08:59,431
(LIP-SYNCHING)
1460
01:09:09,812 --> 01:09:10,984
(SONG ENDS)
1461
01:09:11,981 --> 01:09:13,574
Ah! Ah!
Shit, shit, shit!
1462
01:09:14,942 --> 01:09:16,068
(TYRES SCREECHING)
1463
01:09:21,908 --> 01:09:22,909
(HORN HONKING)
1464
01:09:44,180 --> 01:09:45,432
What the fuck?
1465
01:09:45,515 --> 01:09:47,984
Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?
1466
01:10:01,197 --> 01:10:02,995
(STUTTERS) Hey, listen,
Sam, I'm real sorry.
1467
01:10:03,074 --> 01:10:04,792
That barn just
came out of nowhere.
1468
01:10:04,867 --> 01:10:07,211
No, no, it's my fault.
I... I, uh...
1469
01:10:07,286 --> 01:10:08,913
I should never
have let you drive.
1470
01:10:08,996 --> 01:10:10,589
Yeah. You were wrong.
1471
01:10:10,665 --> 01:10:12,292
- Yeah.
- You were wrong to do that.
1472
01:10:12,375 --> 01:10:16,300
But that and the trial are the only
two things you fucked up. So, uh...
1473
01:10:17,130 --> 01:10:18,882
I can't see shit
in there.
1474
01:10:18,965 --> 01:10:21,059
We're gonna have to wait till
tomorrow to get the car out.
1475
01:10:21,384 --> 01:10:23,978
Uh, wait. Are we gonna
spend the night here?
1476
01:10:24,137 --> 01:10:26,686
Yeah, it'll be fine. We just
got to find some firewood.
1477
01:10:37,650 --> 01:10:38,742
What the hell?
1478
01:10:42,196 --> 01:10:43,448
(SNIFFS)
1479
01:10:44,741 --> 01:10:46,914
Holy shit! Hey, Ted!
1480
01:10:47,952 --> 01:10:51,172
You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.
1481
01:10:51,247 --> 01:10:52,373
It's a really rare strain.
1482
01:10:52,457 --> 01:10:54,676
It's a cross between Lemon
Skunk and Super Silver Haze.
1483
01:10:55,001 --> 01:10:56,048
It's totally potent.
1484
01:10:56,127 --> 01:10:57,424
I've only had it
once in my life
1485
01:10:57,503 --> 01:10:59,005
and it was one of
the best highs I ever had.
1486
01:10:59,213 --> 01:11:00,430
What the hell is
a leaf of this stuff
1487
01:11:00,506 --> 01:11:01,678
doing out in
the middle of a...
1488
01:11:12,852 --> 01:11:14,854
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
1489
01:11:31,037 --> 01:11:33,836
Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
1490
01:11:34,791 --> 01:11:36,384
(SOBS) So beautiful.
1491
01:11:37,627 --> 01:11:39,300
It's so beautiful.
1492
01:11:39,962 --> 01:11:41,430
No words.
1493
01:11:42,381 --> 01:11:44,634
No words. (SNIFFLES)
1494
01:11:44,717 --> 01:11:46,719
They should've sent a poet.
1495
01:11:54,060 --> 01:11:55,903
They're moving in herds.
1496
01:11:56,813 --> 01:11:58,736
They do move in herds.
1497
01:12:02,860 --> 01:12:05,659
Please tell me that's not the only
bong you brought on this trip.
1498
01:12:05,738 --> 01:12:08,662
TED: Yeah, Sam. This puts us in
kind of an awkward position, here.
1499
01:12:08,741 --> 01:12:10,209
I mean, we wanna
get high, too.
1500
01:12:10,284 --> 01:12:11,627
I don't have any
papers or nothing.
1501
01:12:11,744 --> 01:12:14,623
Is this hilarious? I got it
at a bachelorette party.
1502
01:12:14,914 --> 01:12:15,915
(LAUGHS)
1503
01:12:15,998 --> 01:12:17,841
It's so stupid.
Here, try it.
1504
01:12:17,917 --> 01:12:19,009
Uh, no.
1505
01:12:19,085 --> 01:12:20,132
Why?
1506
01:12:20,211 --> 01:12:22,680
I don't wanna put a big
glass cock in my mouth.
1507
01:12:22,755 --> 01:12:24,132
Oh, you think
this is big?
1508
01:12:24,340 --> 01:12:25,341
(LAUGHS)
1509
01:12:25,424 --> 01:12:27,051
Johnny, you walked
right into that one, pal.
1510
01:12:27,134 --> 01:12:28,101
This is all I brought.
1511
01:12:28,177 --> 01:12:30,020
How about this? I'm gonna
go check out the barn
1512
01:12:30,096 --> 01:12:32,098
and I'm gonna see if I can
find a soda can or something
1513
01:12:32,181 --> 01:12:33,353
for us to make an actual bong.
1514
01:12:33,432 --> 01:12:35,275
Yeah, see if you can
make a non-dick bong.
1515
01:12:35,518 --> 01:12:38,192
Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the
South Korean president. (LAUGHS)
1516
01:12:38,271 --> 01:12:39,363
Right?
1517
01:12:39,605 --> 01:12:40,857
She gets...
You get it.
1518
01:12:40,940 --> 01:12:41,941
Right? No.
1519
01:12:42,108 --> 01:12:43,155
What?
1520
01:12:43,317 --> 01:12:44,990
Okay, I'll be back.
1521
01:12:45,528 --> 01:12:46,825
Sorry.
1522
01:12:46,988 --> 01:12:49,491
No. This is nice.
1523
01:12:49,657 --> 01:12:51,500
You know?
I always wanted my ex-wife
1524
01:12:51,576 --> 01:12:53,203
to get stoned with me.
She never would.
1525
01:12:53,369 --> 01:12:54,370
Really?
1526
01:12:54,453 --> 01:12:57,377
Wow. That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.
1527
01:12:57,540 --> 01:12:58,962
- I agree.
- (BOTH CHUCKLES)
1528
01:13:02,962 --> 01:13:05,511
So, you think this Meighan guy
is gonna help us?
1529
01:13:05,673 --> 01:13:08,517
I mean, honestly,
I don't know. Um...
1530
01:13:09,886 --> 01:13:11,388
But we're going
to the right place.
1531
01:13:12,555 --> 01:13:14,148
Listen, I just really
want to thank you
1532
01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:16,066
for all you've done,
all you're doing for us.
1533
01:13:16,142 --> 01:13:17,940
I know it's not
making you rich.
1534
01:13:18,019 --> 01:13:19,066
Please.
1535
01:13:19,145 --> 01:13:21,398
There are more important
things in life than money.
1536
01:13:22,815 --> 01:13:24,032
Look,
1537
01:13:24,734 --> 01:13:26,953
I don't know what
kind of mojo was in
1538
01:13:27,028 --> 01:13:28,746
that wish you made
when you were a child,
1539
01:13:28,821 --> 01:13:30,698
but this bear is alive.
1540
01:13:31,657 --> 01:13:35,707
And it seems to me that once the
law devalues one kind of life,
1541
01:13:36,329 --> 01:13:38,502
how soon before
it devalues another?
1542
01:13:38,831 --> 01:13:40,754
Who gets subjugated
after the bear?
1543
01:13:42,376 --> 01:13:44,378
You're really smart,
you know that?
1544
01:13:45,755 --> 01:13:46,972
How come
you don't have a guy?
1545
01:13:47,340 --> 01:13:49,593
Dude, have you seen
the guys in Boston?
1546
01:13:49,675 --> 01:13:51,677
I'm supposed to date
some pale, blotchy guy
1547
01:13:51,761 --> 01:13:53,684
with a wife-beater
under his Bruins jacket
1548
01:13:53,763 --> 01:13:56,186
and a shamrock tattoo
on his calf? Nope.
1549
01:13:56,265 --> 01:13:57,312
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
1550
01:13:57,391 --> 01:13:58,688
That's so dumb.
1551
01:13:59,685 --> 01:13:59,935
(GRUNTS) I couldn't
find any cans,
1552
01:13:59,936 --> 01:14:01,188
(GRUNTS) I couldn't
find any cans,
1553
01:14:01,270 --> 01:14:03,944
but I got to tell you, there's
some awesome shit in that barn.
1554
01:14:04,023 --> 01:14:07,072
Take a look at this. I found a
cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.
1555
01:14:07,276 --> 01:14:08,653
Hey, be careful
with that, huh.
1556
01:14:08,819 --> 01:14:09,945
No, it's okay.
It's not loaded.
1557
01:14:11,906 --> 01:14:14,079
And my fucking nose
came off.
1558
01:14:15,576 --> 01:14:17,544
Jeez, I wonder who
this place belongs to.
1559
01:14:17,662 --> 01:14:19,630
- Maybe we should find someplace else.
- (PLAYS GUITAR)
1560
01:14:19,705 --> 01:14:21,707
We're in the middle
of nowhere.
1561
01:14:21,791 --> 01:14:23,839
If we get out of here by dawn,
we should be fine, right?
1562
01:14:26,087 --> 01:14:27,339
You play the guitar?
1563
01:14:28,214 --> 01:14:30,717
A little bit.
I learned when I was a kid.
1564
01:14:40,059 --> 01:14:43,063
(SINGING)
♪ Mean ol' moon ♪
1565
01:14:43,229 --> 01:14:45,573
♪ It must be fun ♪
1566
01:14:46,983 --> 01:14:52,114
♪ To shine upon me
as I come undone ♪
1567
01:14:52,738 --> 01:14:58,586
♪ Till I'm all alone
beneath the sun ♪
1568
01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:05,256
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪
1569
01:15:05,710 --> 01:15:11,183
♪ With your beam you led the way ♪
1570
01:15:12,591 --> 01:15:18,098
♪ And found me love
I thought was here to stay ♪
1571
01:15:18,347 --> 01:15:24,696
♪ Then you went and
took my love away ♪
1572
01:15:24,770 --> 01:15:29,947
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪
1573
01:15:30,609 --> 01:15:36,958
♪ Oh, you mean ol' stars above ♪
1574
01:15:37,491 --> 01:15:43,589
♪ The games that
you play with me ♪
1575
01:15:44,081 --> 01:15:49,053
♪ I could find some happiness ♪
1576
01:15:50,129 --> 01:15:56,136
♪ If all of my nights
were cloudy ♪
1577
01:15:56,552 --> 01:15:59,351
♪ Mean ol' moon ♪
1578
01:15:59,847 --> 01:16:02,316
♪ I hope it's true ♪
1579
01:16:03,768 --> 01:16:08,820
♪ You're takin' all the light
that's left in you ♪
1580
01:16:09,482 --> 01:16:15,740
♪ And saving it up
for you know who ♪
1581
01:16:15,821 --> 01:16:21,749
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪
1582
01:16:22,161 --> 01:16:28,840
♪ You mean ol' moon ♪
1583
01:16:47,353 --> 01:16:49,026
Yes!
1584
01:17:04,787 --> 01:17:05,913
You got it.
1585
01:17:06,205 --> 01:17:07,297
You got it!
1586
01:17:07,540 --> 01:17:09,042
Come on, put your legs into it.
1587
01:17:11,293 --> 01:17:13,091
There you go! Nice job!
1588
01:17:13,170 --> 01:17:14,171
Jesus.
1589
01:17:14,255 --> 01:17:15,677
So, listen, I got to ask.
1590
01:17:15,756 --> 01:17:18,885
Was it just kissing last night?
Or was there finger stuff?
1591
01:17:25,057 --> 01:17:27,526
Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.
1592
01:17:27,601 --> 01:17:28,853
Oh, we're gonna
smoke it, all right,
1593
01:17:28,936 --> 01:17:30,153
but just stuff it
under the seat for now.
1594
01:17:30,229 --> 01:17:31,230
We don't wanna
go to jail.
1595
01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:32,565
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1596
01:17:38,696 --> 01:17:40,448
(LIGHTER FLICKERING)
1597
01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:43,000
(INHALES)
1598
01:17:49,165 --> 01:17:50,166
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
1599
01:17:50,249 --> 01:17:51,751
Oh, what the fuck?
What are you doing?
1600
01:17:51,917 --> 01:17:54,921
Hashtag "My amazing summer."
1601
01:17:55,212 --> 01:17:57,010
God damn it! What the
hell's wrong with you?
1602
01:17:57,089 --> 01:17:58,432
Oh, I fucking owe you,
you bastard.
1603
01:17:58,507 --> 01:17:59,759
What do you mean?
I was just messing around.
1604
01:17:59,842 --> 01:18:01,810
Oh, shut up
and suck that dick.
1605
01:18:01,886 --> 01:18:02,887
Oh, fuck you.
1606
01:18:03,345 --> 01:18:04,938
(BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYING)
1607
01:18:30,831 --> 01:18:32,299
MEN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1608
01:18:32,333 --> 01:18:34,131
Watch it. Jesus! Watch
where you're going!
1609
01:18:34,210 --> 01:18:37,134
It's a crosswalk, jackass!
We have the right of way!
1610
01:18:37,213 --> 01:18:38,214
BOTH: Whoa!
1611
01:18:38,297 --> 01:18:40,641
Hey, what the hell you doing walking
around dressed like Star Wars?
1612
01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:43,765
It's Comic Con, you idiot! We're
going to the Javits Center.
1613
01:18:43,844 --> 01:18:45,221
You're the idiots,
because you three guys
1614
01:18:45,304 --> 01:18:46,556
would never be
walking together!
1615
01:18:46,639 --> 01:18:49,563
Yeah, you're his boss and
you two guys are enemies!
1616
01:18:49,642 --> 01:18:51,269
Yeah, bite me,
Captain Kirk!
1617
01:18:51,352 --> 01:18:53,104
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey! Come on.
That's Star Trek!
1618
01:18:53,187 --> 01:18:54,404
Yeah, that's two
different franchises.
1619
01:18:54,563 --> 01:18:56,110
Yeah, sorry, guys.
She doesn't know.
1620
01:18:56,190 --> 01:18:58,568
Nah, it's okay. I'm sorry
you have to deal with that.
1621
01:18:59,443 --> 01:19:00,990
All right, let's go.
1622
01:19:02,238 --> 01:19:03,911
Oh, hey, come on.
It's not worth it, man.
1623
01:19:03,989 --> 01:19:05,582
- Come on.
- It's not worth it, not worth it.
1624
01:19:14,041 --> 01:19:15,759
(SIGHS)
1625
01:19:23,759 --> 01:19:26,387
This Patrick Meighan's
got a classy setup, huh?
1626
01:19:26,470 --> 01:19:27,517
Mmm.
1627
01:19:32,226 --> 01:19:34,854
And there is our
first impression.
1628
01:19:35,354 --> 01:19:37,356
Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Meighan will see you now.
1629
01:19:37,439 --> 01:19:39,032
Oh, okay. Thank you.
1630
01:19:45,739 --> 01:19:48,117
Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in.
1631
01:19:48,701 --> 01:19:50,544
Mr. Meighan,
this is such an honor.
1632
01:19:50,703 --> 01:19:52,296
Thank you so much
for meeting with us.
1633
01:19:52,371 --> 01:19:54,624
Not at all. It's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.
1634
01:19:54,832 --> 01:19:56,960
Oh, this office is
fucking awesome.
1635
01:19:57,042 --> 01:19:58,965
Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.
1636
01:19:59,211 --> 01:20:00,463
Hey! You ever bring chicks up here?
1637
01:20:01,380 --> 01:20:02,552
What do you think?
1638
01:20:02,798 --> 01:20:05,893
I think I want to sleep on
a bed made of your voice.
1639
01:20:07,553 --> 01:20:09,021
I'll get right down to it.
1640
01:20:09,305 --> 01:20:11,103
I don't want to waste
too much of your time.
1641
01:20:12,891 --> 01:20:15,735
Ted, I've been
reviewing your file.
1642
01:20:16,020 --> 01:20:18,318
And while I'm sympathetic
to your cause,
1643
01:20:18,397 --> 01:20:21,617
I'm sorry to say
I won't be taking your case.
1644
01:20:21,734 --> 01:20:22,826
- What?
- Why?
1645
01:20:22,901 --> 01:20:23,902
Why not?
1646
01:20:24,028 --> 01:20:25,826
Well, it comes down to this.
1647
01:20:27,906 --> 01:20:30,705
You want to be human
in the eyes of the law.
1648
01:20:31,035 --> 01:20:33,413
That's a hard sell,
even for me.
1649
01:20:33,912 --> 01:20:36,335
See, the important
thing about being human
1650
01:20:36,415 --> 01:20:38,793
is making a contribution
to society.
1651
01:20:38,876 --> 01:20:41,254
Assisting in
the betterment of your race.
1652
01:20:41,628 --> 01:20:43,426
You've done none of that.
1653
01:20:43,589 --> 01:20:45,216
I've read about your life.
1654
01:20:45,382 --> 01:20:48,556
The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.
1655
01:20:48,635 --> 01:20:51,058
Mr. Meighan, we've come
a long way to meet you
1656
01:20:51,138 --> 01:20:52,765
because you said
that you could help us.
1657
01:20:53,098 --> 01:20:55,021
I said I would consider it.
1658
01:20:55,601 --> 01:20:56,944
And I have.
1659
01:20:58,270 --> 01:21:00,614
Ted, you're special.
1660
01:21:00,939 --> 01:21:03,317
You could've been
an inspiration to the world.
1661
01:21:03,484 --> 01:21:05,657
Could've been a leader,
a role model.
1662
01:21:06,612 --> 01:21:08,239
Instead you're...
1663
01:21:09,114 --> 01:21:10,286
Justin Bieber.
1664
01:21:10,824 --> 01:21:11,825
Fuck you!
1665
01:21:11,950 --> 01:21:13,202
- Hey, Ted! Come on!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1666
01:21:13,285 --> 01:21:15,287
- He doesn't mean that.
- Please forgive me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1667
01:21:15,454 --> 01:21:16,751
There's just no indication
1668
01:21:16,830 --> 01:21:19,754
that you've had any positive
effect on the world around you.
1669
01:21:19,917 --> 01:21:22,591
Well, that's not true.
He's had a positive effect on me.
1670
01:21:22,753 --> 01:21:25,632
Would that positive effect
be your joint arrest
1671
01:21:25,714 --> 01:21:28,058
for purchasing
marijuana in 2003?
1672
01:21:28,133 --> 01:21:30,852
Well, how the fuck do you prepare
for a Foo Fighters concert?
1673
01:21:32,679 --> 01:21:34,727
You know why
you lost this case?
1674
01:21:36,308 --> 01:21:38,310
It can't be argued by reason.
1675
01:21:38,685 --> 01:21:41,814
The precedent it sets would
affect the public directly.
1676
01:21:42,022 --> 01:21:45,276
And unfortunately, the public
doesn’t judge by reason.
1677
01:21:45,359 --> 01:21:47,578
It judges by emotion.
1678
01:21:48,946 --> 01:21:51,790
And you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.
1679
01:21:52,199 --> 01:21:55,669
Nonetheless, I wish you all
the best in your efforts.
1680
01:21:57,996 --> 01:21:59,498
He needs help.
1681
01:21:59,998 --> 01:22:01,500
And from what
I know about you,
1682
01:22:01,667 --> 01:22:04,045
at one point in your career
that would've been enough.
1683
01:22:04,920 --> 01:22:08,345
I'm sorry you're not
who I hoped you'd be.
1684
01:22:17,057 --> 01:22:18,900
Are those Tootsie Rolls
just, like, to take?
1685
01:22:21,019 --> 01:22:23,238
Those aren't
supposed to be out.
1686
01:22:34,366 --> 01:22:36,414
So that's it.
I'm property.
1687
01:22:37,202 --> 01:22:39,079
No rights, no nothing.
1688
01:22:39,705 --> 01:22:42,709
Ted,dude, I'm so sorry, man.
This completely sucks.
1689
01:22:43,083 --> 01:22:44,551
I feel terrible.
1690
01:22:45,169 --> 01:22:47,046
I let you guys down
all over again.
1691
01:22:47,171 --> 01:22:50,391
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam.
You did your best.
1692
01:22:51,592 --> 01:22:53,185
And, look, regardless
of all this shit,
1693
01:22:53,260 --> 01:22:55,854
you're still the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.
1694
01:23:02,060 --> 01:23:03,061
Oh. Oh, that...
1695
01:23:03,270 --> 01:23:04,396
That's great!
That's fucking great!
1696
01:23:04,480 --> 01:23:05,527
I'm glad you guys
are so happy!
1697
01:23:05,606 --> 01:23:06,653
What?
1698
01:23:06,732 --> 01:23:08,700
What do you mean, "What?"
I'm totally screwed here.
1699
01:23:08,775 --> 01:23:11,278
And you're sitting there
basically banging my lawyer,
1700
01:23:11,361 --> 01:23:13,034
and she's probably
still fucking billing us!
1701
01:23:13,113 --> 01:23:15,207
Well, don't yell at us, dude!
We didn't do anything!
1702
01:23:15,365 --> 01:23:16,662
Yeah, exactly! Exactly!
1703
01:23:16,742 --> 01:23:19,837
Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other,
1704
01:23:19,912 --> 01:23:22,756
Sam could've won this thing and
I wouldn't be a fucking thing!
1705
01:23:22,831 --> 01:23:25,004
Like garbage or
a piece of shit!
1706
01:23:25,459 --> 01:23:27,803
Hey, we've been fighting right
alongside you the whole way.
1707
01:23:27,878 --> 01:23:28,925
And remember,
you're the one
1708
01:23:29,004 --> 01:23:30,005
who's been pushing me
to get back on the horse.
1709
01:23:30,088 --> 01:23:32,011
I finally meet someone and
you're giving me shit for it?
1710
01:23:32,090 --> 01:23:33,683
Oh, no, you're right.
No, Johnny, it's fine.
1711
01:23:33,759 --> 01:23:34,851
You're right, it's fine.
It's totally fine.
1712
01:23:34,927 --> 01:23:37,350
I got no job,
no marriage and no life!
1713
01:23:37,429 --> 01:23:40,524
But you have fun porking Gollum
here, while I'm left with shit!
1714
01:23:40,682 --> 01:23:41,774
Ted!
1715
01:23:41,934 --> 01:23:42,981
Who's Gollum?
1716
01:23:43,060 --> 01:23:45,108
She's a model.
Ted, come back!
1717
01:23:45,270 --> 01:23:46,362
Leave me alone!
1718
01:23:46,480 --> 01:23:47,606
- JOHN: Ted!
- SAMANTHA: Ted!
1719
01:23:48,941 --> 01:23:50,113
(SIGHS)
1720
01:23:51,777 --> 01:23:52,903
Shit.
1721
01:24:03,455 --> 01:24:04,456
MAN: Whoa.
1722
01:24:05,457 --> 01:24:06,549
Sorry, bro.
1723
01:24:43,829 --> 01:24:45,297
GUY: Hey, Ted!
1724
01:24:47,332 --> 01:24:48,424
Guy?
1725
01:24:48,500 --> 01:24:49,877
I thought that was you.
What's happening, man?
1726
01:24:49,960 --> 01:24:51,962
Hey, Rick! It is Ted.
1727
01:24:52,045 --> 01:24:53,092
Hey, how you doing?
1728
01:24:53,463 --> 01:24:55,340
Hey, what's going on'?
What are you doing here?
1729
01:24:55,465 --> 01:24:59,845
(SIGHS) You know, I just feel at home among the
outcasts. What are you guys doing here'?
1730
01:25:00,137 --> 01:25:02,731
Well, you know, Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.
1731
01:25:02,806 --> 01:25:06,151
Dress up like we're into this
shit and fuck with the nerds.
1732
01:25:06,226 --> 01:25:07,443
Hey, spaz.
1733
01:25:07,519 --> 01:25:10,398
Uh, why don't you go get me some Big
League Chew. How about that, huh?
1734
01:25:10,522 --> 01:25:11,774
(GROANS)
1735
01:25:13,066 --> 01:25:14,363
(BOTH LAUGHS)
1736
01:25:14,610 --> 01:25:17,580
Uh-huh. All right, well, good
luck with your dick, there.
1737
01:25:17,654 --> 01:25:19,031
Right on.
You, too, man.
1738
01:25:20,073 --> 01:25:22,496
God damn it, that
underwear had shit on it!
1739
01:25:27,372 --> 01:25:28,464
Hey.
1740
01:25:29,041 --> 01:25:30,258
Are you Ted?
1741
01:25:30,542 --> 01:25:32,215
Uh, yeah.
1742
01:25:32,502 --> 01:25:33,503
(LAUGHS)
1743
01:25:33,587 --> 01:25:34,964
This is so exciting!
1744
01:25:35,047 --> 01:25:37,391
I was such a big fan of yours
in the early '90s.
1745
01:25:37,633 --> 01:25:40,352
Oh, thanks a lot.
What's your name?
1746
01:25:40,510 --> 01:25:41,978
I'm Raphael.
1747
01:25:42,054 --> 01:25:44,056
Hey, do you think I could
take a picture with you?
1748
01:25:44,348 --> 01:25:45,770
Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.
1749
01:25:45,849 --> 01:25:47,647
Great, great!
Here, follow me.
1750
01:25:49,436 --> 01:25:51,689
Uh, okay, why are we
doing this back here?
1751
01:25:51,855 --> 01:25:52,947
Well, you're a celebrity.
1752
01:25:53,023 --> 01:25:55,196
I just don't want you to get
mobbed when people recognize you.
1753
01:25:55,275 --> 01:25:58,154
Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken
for an Ewok three times today.
1754
01:25:58,236 --> 01:25:59,283
All right,
let's do this.
1755
01:26:04,117 --> 01:26:05,994
Holy shit! Donny!
1756
01:26:06,453 --> 01:26:08,421
It's so good to see you, Ted.
1757
01:26:09,414 --> 01:26:10,791
It's been some time,
hasn't it?
1758
01:26:11,083 --> 01:26:13,256
What, you mean since
you ripped me in half?
1759
01:26:14,252 --> 01:26:15,970
That wasn't
supposed to happen.
1760
01:26:16,129 --> 01:26:17,631
That was an accident.
1761
01:26:18,465 --> 01:26:20,718
I have some big plans
for you, Ted.
1762
01:26:21,468 --> 01:26:22,936
Very big plans.
1763
01:26:23,428 --> 01:26:25,055
I need you to come
with me now.
1764
01:26:25,222 --> 01:26:26,189
Go to hell!
1765
01:26:26,264 --> 01:26:27,265
(GRUNTS)
1766
01:26:39,319 --> 01:26:41,117
RICK: Nice lunch, spaz.
1767
01:26:50,914 --> 01:26:52,336
Hey! What the hell!
1768
01:26:56,920 --> 01:26:58,672
He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.
1769
01:26:58,755 --> 01:27:00,052
We should just
wait by the car.
1770
01:27:00,132 --> 01:27:01,725
What do you mean?
We have to find him, okay?
1771
01:27:01,800 --> 01:27:03,848
He's a teddy bear on his own
in New York, for God's sakes.
1772
01:27:03,927 --> 01:27:05,645
- (SCOFFS)
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
1773
01:27:07,639 --> 01:27:08,686
Hello?
1774
01:27:08,765 --> 01:27:10,563
Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.
1775
01:27:10,642 --> 01:27:12,986
Ted, where are you? Dude, we've
been looking everywhere for you.
1776
01:27:13,186 --> 01:27:16,656
I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny!
He's here!
1777
01:27:16,773 --> 01:27:18,241
He's after me.
You got to get over here.
1778
01:27:18,316 --> 01:27:19,909
What the fuck?
Did you just say "Donny"?
1779
01:27:19,985 --> 01:27:21,077
John, what's going on?
1780
01:27:21,153 --> 01:27:22,700
Yes, It's him! He's...
1781
01:27:24,614 --> 01:27:25,831
Oh, shit!
1782
01:27:29,202 --> 01:27:30,829
Ted! Ted, hello?
1783
01:27:31,079 --> 01:27:32,922
- What's the matter?
- Oh, my God. Déjà vu.
1784
01:27:33,165 --> 01:27:34,667
We got to get to
Comic Con. Come on!
1785
01:27:39,337 --> 01:27:41,010
Get out of the way!
1786
01:27:52,684 --> 01:27:54,186
You know,
1787
01:27:55,228 --> 01:27:57,401
I really love
that Neil Diamond.
1788
01:27:58,064 --> 01:28:02,865
Especially that song they sing
at the Red Sox games.
1789
01:28:04,654 --> 01:28:06,531
It's just so infectious.
1790
01:28:07,115 --> 01:28:09,243
You just can't
help but sing along.
1791
01:28:10,410 --> 01:28:14,756
(SINGING)
♪ Hands touching hands ♪
1792
01:28:16,333 --> 01:28:18,301
♪ Reaching out ♪
1793
01:28:19,294 --> 01:28:24,767
♪ Touching me, touching you ♪
1794
01:28:25,133 --> 01:28:28,808
♪ Sweet Caroline ♪
1795
01:28:28,887 --> 01:28:30,309
♪ Bah, bah, bah! ♪
1796
01:28:30,388 --> 01:28:31,389
Fuck!
1797
01:28:32,098 --> 01:28:33,224
Crazy son of a bitch!
1798
01:28:33,934 --> 01:28:35,277
(TED GRUNTING)
1799
01:28:36,853 --> 01:28:37,979
MAN: Hey!
1800
01:28:38,063 --> 01:28:39,406
What are you doing
to that bear?
1801
01:28:39,815 --> 01:28:41,067
I'm sorry. I, uh...
1802
01:28:41,233 --> 01:28:42,985
You better be planning
on buying that!
1803
01:28:43,568 --> 01:28:45,787
He just reminds me
of when I was a kid.
1804
01:28:45,862 --> 01:28:46,829
Yeah, that's great.
1805
01:28:46,905 --> 01:28:47,906
$40.
1806
01:28:47,989 --> 01:28:49,241
Okay.
1807
01:28:50,408 --> 01:28:51,910
I have $40, here.
1808
01:29:01,795 --> 01:29:02,842
You see him anywhere?
1809
01:29:02,921 --> 01:29:04,673
No. Let's try in there.
1810
01:29:07,759 --> 01:29:10,478
Hi. Have any of you guys seen a
talking teddy bear run through here?
1811
01:29:10,554 --> 01:29:12,602
Shh. They're about to
announce the new Superman.
1812
01:29:12,681 --> 01:29:15,275
The new Superman is...
1813
01:29:15,559 --> 01:29:16,811
Jonah Hill!
1814
01:29:17,060 --> 01:29:18,107
Fuck!
1815
01:29:18,186 --> 01:29:19,563
- Who's Superman?
- What?
1816
01:29:19,646 --> 01:29:21,694
I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you.
Come on!
1817
01:29:22,524 --> 01:29:22,740
And if that is
not big enough news,
1818
01:29:22,732 --> 01:29:24,780
And if that is
not big enough news,
1819
01:29:24,860 --> 01:29:27,704
Hasbro will be
unveiling a brand-new line
1820
01:29:27,779 --> 01:29:30,623
of Transformers
merchandise next fall.
1821
01:29:30,866 --> 01:29:32,243
(CHEERING)
1822
01:29:32,701 --> 01:29:34,294
We've got a brand-new
line of Decepticons...
1823
01:29:34,369 --> 01:29:35,370
Hey!
1824
01:29:35,453 --> 01:29:36,796
- ...that is gonna be...
- Fresh cakes.
1825
01:29:36,872 --> 01:29:38,374
Fresh cakes.
1826
01:29:39,457 --> 01:29:40,800
Fresh cakes.
1827
01:29:43,086 --> 01:29:44,133
Comic Con fans,
1828
01:29:44,212 --> 01:29:46,055
let's take a look at
this thrilling sizzle reel
1829
01:29:46,131 --> 01:29:47,929
with all of our
exciting new toys.
1830
01:29:48,550 --> 01:29:49,597
Take a look.
1831
01:29:49,676 --> 01:29:50,802
(CHEERING)
1832
01:29:55,807 --> 01:29:58,185
Come on, there's an empty
supply room downstairs.
1833
01:29:58,268 --> 01:29:59,269
Is that him?
1834
01:29:59,352 --> 01:30:01,354
Yeah, there was
an issue, so he's
1835
01:30:01,438 --> 01:30:02,906
unconscious now,
but yeah, this is him.
1836
01:30:02,981 --> 01:30:05,200
Jesus! Why did you
bring him here?
1837
01:30:05,275 --> 01:30:07,369
I've been following him
around since yesterday.
1838
01:30:07,444 --> 01:30:10,914
This was the only chance I could
get him alone. I had to move fast.
1839
01:30:10,989 --> 01:30:12,036
Hey. Ted!
1840
01:30:13,867 --> 01:30:14,914
Is that you?
1841
01:30:14,993 --> 01:30:16,961
Uh, yeah, he had
a little too much to drink.
1842
01:30:17,037 --> 01:30:20,007
He puked a pile of cotton all over
this little girl in a stroller
1843
01:30:20,081 --> 01:30:22,584
so we're gonna take him
back and sober him up.
1844
01:30:22,667 --> 01:30:24,419
Ah, rock on, Ted.
1845
01:30:24,502 --> 01:30:25,628
Eff yeah.
1846
01:30:25,712 --> 01:30:29,512
Hey, guys, be careful out there.
Some nerd spilled his lunch.
1847
01:30:30,050 --> 01:30:31,848
Hey, watch that floor.
Comes up fast, man.
1848
01:30:38,516 --> 01:30:39,768
Hey, Johnny.
1849
01:30:39,851 --> 01:30:40,898
Guy?
1850
01:30:41,186 --> 01:30:43,484
Man, it's a goddamn
party here today.
1851
01:30:43,813 --> 01:30:45,656
Hey, I remember
you from the wedding.
1852
01:30:45,815 --> 01:30:47,692
- You get a nose job?
- No.
1853
01:30:48,026 --> 01:30:49,699
Yes, you did,
you fucking liar.
1854
01:30:49,778 --> 01:30:51,325
Hey, we just ran
into your buddy Ted.
1855
01:30:51,404 --> 01:30:52,451
Ted? Where is he'?
1856
01:30:52,530 --> 01:30:55,875
He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.
1857
01:30:56,034 --> 01:30:57,035
Did you see
which way they went?
1858
01:30:57,160 --> 01:30:58,958
Yeah,yeah. Back hallway,
past the photo booth.
1859
01:30:59,037 --> 01:31:00,163
Come on!
1860
01:31:00,997 --> 01:31:02,214
Thirsty, Urkel?
1861
01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:05,214
I fucking love this place.
1862
01:31:11,925 --> 01:31:12,926
(GRUNTS)
1863
01:31:14,219 --> 01:31:16,813
What the fuck? What the
fuck's going on here?
1864
01:31:16,972 --> 01:31:18,064
Who the hell are you?
1865
01:31:18,264 --> 01:31:20,642
He really is
extraordinary, isn't he?
1866
01:31:20,725 --> 01:31:23,148
You son of a bitch!
This is kidnapping!
1867
01:31:23,311 --> 01:31:25,063
No, it's not.
1868
01:31:25,313 --> 01:31:29,739
Kidnapping only applies to people.
And you, Ted, you're property.
1869
01:31:29,859 --> 01:31:31,736
Yeah, so is
that fucking hairpiece.
1870
01:31:35,532 --> 01:31:37,079
What do you say there,
happy face?
1871
01:31:37,242 --> 01:31:40,337
Right there. Death to Ming.
Yeah! Come on. All right.
1872
01:31:40,412 --> 01:31:41,914
Happy guy.
1873
01:31:42,080 --> 01:31:45,425
Right there. Death to Ming.
Good, yeah.
1874
01:31:47,252 --> 01:31:48,504
Hey, Bennett!
1875
01:31:49,879 --> 01:31:50,880
Oh, shit!
1876
01:31:50,964 --> 01:31:52,432
You messed up my car.
1877
01:31:52,507 --> 01:31:54,054
What the hell is
wrong with you?
1878
01:31:54,134 --> 01:31:56,728
Look, Sam, this is a really bad time,
all right? Something happened to Ted.
1879
01:31:56,803 --> 01:32:00,307
But it was a good time for you
to vandalize my Chrysler though.
1880
01:32:00,390 --> 01:32:02,142
Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
1881
01:32:02,642 --> 01:32:03,768
(YELLS)
1882
01:32:07,814 --> 01:32:09,157
- (RIPS)
- (GASPS, SLAPS)
1883
01:32:11,484 --> 01:32:12,701
Holy shit!
1884
01:32:12,777 --> 01:32:15,121
Look, Donny, Donny!
You don't wanna do this! Okay?
1885
01:32:15,405 --> 01:32:17,123
Think about what
happened at Fenway.
1886
01:32:17,198 --> 01:32:20,702
You remember? You cut me open, that's it!
I'm gone, dead!
1887
01:32:21,286 --> 01:32:22,879
Just a regular old teddy bear.
1888
01:32:22,954 --> 01:32:25,002
I won't be any
fun then, will I?
1889
01:32:25,290 --> 01:32:26,963
This isn't about you, Ted.
1890
01:32:27,500 --> 01:32:29,002
You're only one bear.
1891
01:32:29,335 --> 01:32:31,008
We're gonna figure out
what makes you real,
1892
01:32:31,087 --> 01:32:32,680
and then we're gonna
make millions of Teds.
1893
01:32:32,756 --> 01:32:34,724
One for every
child in the world.
1894
01:32:35,258 --> 01:32:36,635
One for me.
1895
01:32:38,678 --> 01:32:41,557
One that loves me
just as much as you love John.
1896
01:32:41,806 --> 01:32:44,400
Look, Donny,
I can never love you.
1897
01:32:44,559 --> 01:32:47,312
God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.
1898
01:32:47,479 --> 01:32:48,526
Okay? So, uh...
1899
01:32:48,897 --> 01:32:50,649
What if I gave you
a hand job outside
1900
01:32:50,732 --> 01:32:52,484
your pants while
you ate an ice cream?
1901
01:32:55,653 --> 01:32:57,326
I'll give you a minute.
1902
01:32:58,573 --> 01:32:59,790
(SAM GRUNTING)
1903
01:33:03,661 --> 01:33:04,662
Come here!
1904
01:33:06,456 --> 01:33:07,673
(GRUNTING)
1905
01:33:10,960 --> 01:33:12,177
(SCREAMING)
1906
01:33:16,508 --> 01:33:17,509
(YELLS)
1907
01:33:21,638 --> 01:33:22,639
(GASPS)
1908
01:33:22,972 --> 01:33:24,224
(YELLING)
1909
01:33:26,101 --> 01:33:27,694
(SCREAMING)
1910
01:33:38,279 --> 01:33:39,906
Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.
1911
01:33:40,240 --> 01:33:41,241
Ah!
1912
01:33:45,370 --> 01:33:46,371
(WHOOPING)
1913
01:33:47,872 --> 01:33:48,873
(SCREECHING)
1914
01:33:53,169 --> 01:33:54,216
Come here.
1915
01:34:00,385 --> 01:34:01,511
Come on.
1916
01:34:08,184 --> 01:34:10,027
I'll see you in heaven, Ted.
1917
01:34:17,485 --> 01:34:19,158
Ted!
1918
01:34:19,320 --> 01:34:20,367
Who the hell are you?
1919
01:34:20,905 --> 01:34:22,782
Get away from him,
you bastard!
1920
01:34:22,866 --> 01:34:24,960
- Ted, you okay, buddy?
- Johnny, thank God!
1921
01:34:25,034 --> 01:34:26,035
I'm out.
1922
01:34:26,119 --> 01:34:28,463
Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go.
Come on, we can still do this.
1923
01:34:28,538 --> 01:34:31,166
You're on your own, Danny. I can't
be implicated in any of this.
1924
01:34:31,249 --> 01:34:32,421
Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
1925
01:34:32,750 --> 01:34:34,252
I work for Mattel.
1926
01:34:36,254 --> 01:34:37,597
You piece of shit.
1927
01:34:37,755 --> 01:34:39,928
Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?
1928
01:34:40,550 --> 01:34:41,722
What do you wanna do now?
1929
01:34:41,801 --> 01:34:45,351
You don't deserve him, John.
You never did. You never did!
1930
01:34:45,638 --> 01:34:47,640
I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.
1931
01:34:50,101 --> 01:34:51,148
TED: A-ha! I fucking knew it!
1932
01:34:52,312 --> 01:34:53,564
Come on.
1933
01:35:05,241 --> 01:35:08,336
Listen, Johnny, I wanna
tell you how sorry I am.
1934
01:35:08,494 --> 01:35:09,711
No, forget it, buddy.
1935
01:35:09,787 --> 01:35:12,586
Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't
have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.
1936
01:35:12,665 --> 01:35:13,757
No, listen to me.
1937
01:35:13,833 --> 01:35:16,086
Just listen to me.
You, too, Sam.
1938
01:35:16,169 --> 01:35:18,137
I acted like an asshole.
1939
01:35:18,213 --> 01:35:21,808
All right'? I was just hurting
because I knew I'd lost.
1940
01:35:22,592 --> 01:35:26,722
And that, in the eyes of the
world, I'll always be property.
1941
01:35:27,472 --> 01:35:29,895
But you know what?
Who gives a shit? Right?
1942
01:35:29,974 --> 01:35:33,274
It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
I know who I am.
1943
01:35:33,645 --> 01:35:35,147
And that's all
that's important.
1944
01:35:35,855 --> 01:35:37,607
And I know who my friends are.
1945
01:35:38,024 --> 01:35:39,321
And honest to God,
1946
01:35:39,400 --> 01:35:42,904
if you two want to be together,
nothing would make me happier.
1947
01:35:43,279 --> 01:35:44,747
Aw, buddy,
I love you for that.
1948
01:35:44,822 --> 01:35:46,699
Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.
1949
01:35:48,868 --> 01:35:52,168
And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,
1950
01:35:52,789 --> 01:35:54,006
you're a person.
1951
01:35:54,457 --> 01:35:56,755
As much as anybody
I've ever known.
1952
01:35:56,834 --> 01:36:01,681
Sam, that means the world coming from
someone who went to Arizona State.
1953
01:36:18,022 --> 01:36:19,194
Ted!
1954
01:36:28,199 --> 01:36:29,496
Holy shit! Johnny!
1955
01:36:29,617 --> 01:36:31,460
- Oh, my God. John!
- Johnny!
1956
01:36:31,536 --> 01:36:32,753
- John!
- Oh, Jesus!
1957
01:36:32,829 --> 01:36:34,297
- Are you okay?
- Johnny, you all right?
1958
01:36:34,372 --> 01:36:35,373
Shit.
1959
01:36:35,456 --> 01:36:36,799
- John, hey.
- Oh, my God.
1960
01:36:36,874 --> 01:36:38,126
Jesus, what happened here?
1961
01:36:38,209 --> 01:36:39,552
The rocket ship just hit him!
1962
01:36:39,711 --> 01:36:41,964
Jesus Christ, that's the Starship
Enterprise... Forget it.
1963
01:36:42,046 --> 01:36:43,468
Somebody call 911!
1964
01:36:43,548 --> 01:36:45,425
Johnny? John, come on,
stay with me, pal.
1965
01:36:45,550 --> 01:36:47,803
We need an ambulance
at 655 West 34th.
1966
01:36:47,885 --> 01:36:49,137
How the hell did it fall?
1967
01:36:49,220 --> 01:36:50,221
I don't know!
1968
01:36:53,266 --> 01:36:54,313
TED: It was him!
1969
01:36:54,392 --> 01:36:55,769
The guy dressed like
the Ninja Turtle!
1970
01:37:01,190 --> 01:37:02,237
Which one?
1971
01:37:02,400 --> 01:37:06,030
All right, two can play this Where's Waldo
shit, you son of a bitch!
1972
01:37:06,112 --> 01:37:07,364
Sam, give me your phone.
1973
01:37:18,207 --> 01:37:20,130
(80's POP SONG PLAYING)
1974
01:37:27,592 --> 01:37:28,593
That's him.
1975
01:37:32,555 --> 01:37:33,602
Get off me!
1976
01:37:34,223 --> 01:37:35,475
Get off me!
1977
01:37:37,894 --> 01:37:39,111
Johnny?
1978
01:37:39,562 --> 01:37:40,734
Johnny, come on.
1979
01:37:41,397 --> 01:37:43,024
Johnny, you got to
wake up, pal.
1980
01:37:43,608 --> 01:37:44,655
Johnny, wake up!
1981
01:37:45,401 --> 01:37:46,823
Wake up, Johnny.
1982
01:37:47,737 --> 01:37:49,159
Johnny.
1983
01:37:49,238 --> 01:37:50,615
Johnny, wake up!
1984
01:37:51,991 --> 01:37:53,834
Johnny, wake up.
1985
01:38:39,330 --> 01:38:42,174
Hi. How is he?
Is he gonna come out of it?
1986
01:38:42,500 --> 01:38:45,379
I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
We've done everything we can
1987
01:38:45,586 --> 01:38:47,588
and it's all up to him now.
1988
01:38:57,682 --> 01:38:58,854
John,
1989
01:38:59,684 --> 01:39:01,357
please wake up.
1990
01:39:06,232 --> 01:39:08,951
(EKG MONITOR FLAT LINING)
1991
01:39:09,986 --> 01:39:10,987
Somebody help!
1992
01:39:11,070 --> 01:39:12,617
- Oh, my God, John!
- John? Johnny?
1993
01:39:12,780 --> 01:39:14,703
Hello?
There's something happening.
1994
01:39:14,907 --> 01:39:15,954
Mr. Bennett?
1995
01:39:16,409 --> 01:39:18,332
- Somethings wrong.
- What's going on? What's happening to him?
1996
01:39:18,411 --> 01:39:19,879
- Mr. Bennett?
- John?
1997
01:39:20,705 --> 01:39:23,049
- We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
- What does that mean?
1998
01:39:23,124 --> 01:39:24,467
I'm sorry. You three are
gonna have to wait outside.
1999
01:39:24,542 --> 01:39:25,794
- What the hell is going on?
- Is he gonna be okay?
2000
01:39:25,877 --> 01:39:26,924
The doctors will do
everything they can,
2001
01:39:27,003 --> 01:39:29,097
but I need you to go to the
waiting area now, please.
2002
01:39:29,172 --> 01:39:30,344
Excuse me, excuse me.
2003
01:39:30,423 --> 01:39:31,470
What's the status?
2004
01:39:31,549 --> 01:39:33,142
He was stable a minute ago
and now he's unresponsive.
2005
01:39:33,217 --> 01:39:35,390
The monitor says he's in asystole.
He's not breathing, no pulse.
2006
01:39:35,470 --> 01:39:37,063
Start compressions.
Prepare to intubate.
2007
01:39:37,180 --> 01:39:38,306
Give him a milligram
of epinephrine.
2008
01:40:08,628 --> 01:40:10,255
I'm sorry.
2009
01:40:11,714 --> 01:40:12,886
He didn't make it.
2010
01:40:16,552 --> 01:40:17,644
What?
2011
01:40:19,096 --> 01:40:20,313
Johnny.
2012
01:40:21,057 --> 01:40:23,230
If you'd like, you can go in
2013
01:40:23,309 --> 01:40:24,982
and say your goodbyes.
2014
01:41:04,809 --> 01:41:06,106
Johnny.
2015
01:41:08,312 --> 01:41:10,235
You were my thunder buddy.
2016
01:41:12,650 --> 01:41:15,073
You were my thunder buddy
for life.
2017
01:41:17,405 --> 01:41:21,160
And you gave up your own life
to save mine.
2018
01:41:24,453 --> 01:41:26,205
The only problem is
2019
01:41:28,499 --> 01:41:31,753
I don't know how
my life works without you.
2020
01:41:36,048 --> 01:41:37,516
Goodbye, John.
2021
01:41:40,720 --> 01:41:42,643
- I got you, motherfucker!
- (ALL SCREAMING)
2022
01:41:43,889 --> 01:41:46,438
Holy shit! Zombie!
He's a fucking zombie!
2023
01:41:47,184 --> 01:41:48,857
I totally fucking got you!
2024
01:41:49,687 --> 01:41:50,813
Holy shit!
2025
01:41:50,896 --> 01:41:52,739
You should have seen
your fucking face!
2026
01:41:52,982 --> 01:41:54,234
You son of a bitch!
2027
01:41:54,317 --> 01:41:55,819
That was fucking classic!
2028
01:41:55,901 --> 01:41:58,825
Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because
I made you think that I was retarded!
2029
01:41:58,904 --> 01:42:00,281
You made me think
you were retarded!
2030
01:42:00,364 --> 01:42:01,411
Oh! Well done!
2031
01:42:01,532 --> 01:42:03,284
- Well done, man. High five.
- (LAUGHING)
2032
01:42:03,367 --> 01:42:04,414
High five.
2033
01:42:04,535 --> 01:42:06,537
What the fuck is going on?
2034
01:42:06,621 --> 01:42:10,797
What's going on, is this guy just won
the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.
2035
01:42:10,875 --> 01:42:13,424
You are the fucking greatest, man.
Holy shit!
2036
01:42:13,878 --> 01:42:15,630
Wait. How was the doctor
in on it?
2037
01:42:15,713 --> 01:42:17,807
They got me out of it with the paddles.
I was totally fine.
2038
01:42:17,882 --> 01:42:19,259
So I talked him into
going along with the bit.
2039
01:42:19,342 --> 01:42:21,310
Hey, Doc, it worked out
hilarious. Thanks.
2040
01:42:21,552 --> 01:42:23,554
No problem.
We're a fun hospital.
2041
01:42:23,846 --> 01:42:27,020
You asshole!
You think this shit is funny?
2042
01:42:27,266 --> 01:42:28,768
Do you know how devastated
I was?
2043
01:42:28,851 --> 01:42:30,524
I put a frowny face
on Facebook!
2044
01:42:30,603 --> 01:42:33,026
How am I supposed to
explain that to everybody?
2045
01:42:33,314 --> 01:42:35,362
You could change your
relationship status from "single"
2046
01:42:35,441 --> 01:42:37,614
to "It's complicated."
2047
01:42:38,069 --> 01:42:40,163
You're gonna have to do a lot
better than that. (SNIFFLING)
2048
01:42:41,113 --> 01:42:44,834
How about, "in a relationship
with John Bennett"?
2049
01:42:45,618 --> 01:42:49,248
Well, we'll have
to talk about that.
2050
01:42:54,126 --> 01:42:55,753
Okay, well, good talk.
2051
01:43:01,258 --> 01:43:02,601
Hey, if you guys
want to bang,
2052
01:43:02,677 --> 01:43:04,054
me and Teddy
can totally leave the room.
2053
01:43:04,136 --> 01:43:06,389
No, no, honey, honey, they're
classy, they're not like us.
2054
01:43:06,472 --> 01:43:08,145
They're good people.
2055
01:43:08,349 --> 01:43:11,398
MEIGHAN: I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.
2056
01:43:11,519 --> 01:43:12,611
- Mr. Meighan.
- What the hell?
2057
01:43:12,687 --> 01:43:13,813
Holy shit!
2058
01:43:13,896 --> 01:43:15,193
Is it all right
if I come in?
2059
01:43:15,731 --> 01:43:17,153
Sure, yeah.
2060
01:43:18,109 --> 01:43:19,486
How are you feeling, John?
2061
01:43:19,902 --> 01:43:21,245
I'm alive.
2062
01:43:21,779 --> 01:43:23,247
You're very lucky.
2063
01:43:23,406 --> 01:43:25,329
I saw what you did on TV.
2064
01:43:25,491 --> 01:43:27,619
Yeah, he saved my ass
is what he did.
2065
01:43:27,785 --> 01:43:30,584
You know why?
Because he's a person.
2066
01:43:30,955 --> 01:43:32,047
And no matter how many
2067
01:43:32,123 --> 01:43:33,625
of you smart-ass Harvard
lawyers try to keep him down,
2068
01:43:33,708 --> 01:43:34,925
you're not gonna change that.
2069
01:43:35,000 --> 01:43:36,422
Not in our eyes.
2070
01:43:36,627 --> 01:43:37,753
Ted is real.
2071
01:43:38,087 --> 01:43:39,634
So you can go fuck yourself.
2072
01:43:40,548 --> 01:43:41,845
I will.
2073
01:43:42,466 --> 01:43:45,015
And as soon as I'm done
fucking myself,
2074
01:43:45,386 --> 01:43:47,388
I'd like to take
your case, Ted.
2075
01:43:47,638 --> 01:43:48,685
- What?
- Seriously?
2076
01:43:48,764 --> 01:43:50,391
- TED: Oh, my God!
- You heard that?
2077
01:43:50,474 --> 01:43:52,351
- Oh, my gosh!
- TED: I don't believe it! (CLEARS THROAT)
2078
01:43:53,644 --> 01:43:55,271
- Maybe we don't want you now.
- Shut up.
2079
01:43:55,354 --> 01:43:57,322
No, yeah, we want you.
For sure, we want you.
2080
01:43:57,398 --> 01:43:59,275
What made you
change your mind?
2081
01:43:59,442 --> 01:44:01,570
Well, when I saw
what John did for you,
2082
01:44:02,403 --> 01:44:05,156
that he was willing to
give his life for yours,
2083
01:44:05,573 --> 01:44:07,575
it gave me a kick in the ass.
2084
01:44:07,658 --> 01:44:10,878
Reminded me of why I chose
to do the kind of work I do.
2085
01:44:12,079 --> 01:44:14,298
I'm sorry I turned you away.
2086
01:44:14,373 --> 01:44:15,750
I was wrong.
2087
01:44:16,500 --> 01:44:18,047
As far as I'm concerned,
2088
01:44:18,294 --> 01:44:22,470
anyone who can inspire that
kind of love in another person
2089
01:44:22,548 --> 01:44:24,425
deserves to be called human.
2090
01:44:25,593 --> 01:44:26,685
You mean it?
2091
01:44:26,761 --> 01:44:28,354
I certainly do.
2092
01:44:29,221 --> 01:44:30,222
So,
2093
01:44:30,514 --> 01:44:32,141
shall we get started?
2094
01:44:42,443 --> 01:44:44,116
What defines a person?
2095
01:44:46,530 --> 01:44:48,248
What defines property?
2096
01:44:49,408 --> 01:44:51,035
What's the difference?
2097
01:44:52,745 --> 01:44:57,046
The anthropologist and
ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes
2098
01:44:57,416 --> 01:45:02,547
argues that the standards for
personhood include self-awareness,
2099
01:45:03,214 --> 01:45:06,388
an ability to understand
complex emotions
2100
01:45:06,717 --> 01:45:09,266
and a capacity for empathy.
2101
01:45:11,096 --> 01:45:16,068
We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.
2102
01:45:18,479 --> 01:45:19,651
What is your name?
2103
01:45:20,231 --> 01:45:21,778
Ted Clubber Lang.
2104
01:45:26,487 --> 01:45:29,957
As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,
2105
01:45:30,699 --> 01:45:32,952
we all saw
the distressing images
2106
01:45:33,035 --> 01:45:35,504
of Ted agonizing
over his fallen friend,
2107
01:45:35,996 --> 01:45:37,043
John Bennett.
2108
01:45:37,540 --> 01:45:39,213
In those images,
2109
01:45:39,333 --> 01:45:44,385
Ted exhibits all of the remaining
qualities of personhood.
2110
01:45:46,507 --> 01:45:48,885
It's right there
for anyone to see.
2111
01:45:50,094 --> 01:45:54,474
And I believe that a just
court must, by definition,
2112
01:45:55,307 --> 01:45:59,153
grant basic human rights
to all those who deserve them,
2113
01:46:00,437 --> 01:46:03,156
just as
the Emancipation Proclamation
2114
01:46:03,399 --> 01:46:06,949
and the Thirteenth Amendment
did so many years ago.
2115
01:46:09,530 --> 01:46:12,158
So, ladies and gentlemen
of the court,
2116
01:46:14,326 --> 01:46:16,249
I invite you
2117
01:46:17,621 --> 01:46:19,840
to change the world.
2118
01:46:22,084 --> 01:46:23,677
(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
2119
01:46:39,435 --> 01:46:42,564
Well, Johnny, this is the second
time you've made me real.
2120
01:46:43,314 --> 01:46:44,440
Thanks, pal.
2121
01:46:44,523 --> 01:46:46,400
Hey, you were
always real to me, buddy.
2122
01:46:46,567 --> 01:46:47,739
Even when you weren't.
2123
01:46:47,902 --> 01:46:49,154
Congratulations, Ted.
2124
01:46:49,528 --> 01:46:50,825
Thanks, Sam.
2125
01:46:52,781 --> 01:46:53,828
FEMALE REPORTER: Ted!
2126
01:46:54,158 --> 01:46:56,035
- MAN #1: Ted!
- MAN #2: Ted! Over here!
2127
01:46:56,118 --> 01:46:57,335
Ted!
2128
01:46:58,704 --> 01:47:00,502
This is quite a victory
for you.
2129
01:47:00,581 --> 01:47:02,675
Is there any statement
that you'd like to make
2130
01:47:02,750 --> 01:47:04,172
now that
you're legally a person?
2131
01:47:04,710 --> 01:47:06,132
Yes, there is.
2132
01:47:08,547 --> 01:47:10,049
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
2133
01:47:10,424 --> 01:47:12,097
will you marry me?
2134
01:47:13,677 --> 01:47:14,849
Yes.
2135
01:47:15,054 --> 01:47:16,351
(ALL CHEERING)
2136
01:47:20,559 --> 01:47:23,358
MALE NARRATOR:
And so our story comes to an end.
2137
01:47:23,687 --> 01:47:26,657
Ted and Tami-Lynn
were married once again,
2138
01:47:26,732 --> 01:47:31,454
and soon afterward, they adopted
a fine, young baby boy.
2139
01:47:31,695 --> 01:47:33,868
Johnny,
meet your new godson,
2140
01:47:34,031 --> 01:47:35,783
Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.
2141
01:47:35,866 --> 01:47:37,960
JOHN: Oh, Teddy,
he's adorable.
2142
01:47:38,118 --> 01:47:40,792
Oh! And we got something for him, too.
John, show him.
2143
01:47:40,871 --> 01:47:42,293
Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on.
2144
01:47:42,373 --> 01:47:43,841
TAMI-LYNN:
He got you something.
2145
01:47:45,417 --> 01:47:46,464
Huh?
2146
01:47:46,543 --> 01:47:47,965
Oh, Johnny!
2147
01:47:48,128 --> 01:47:50,005
TAMI-LYNN:
Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.
2148
01:47:50,172 --> 01:47:53,016
Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough,
2149
01:47:53,175 --> 01:47:54,518
maybe he'll come to life
2150
01:47:54,677 --> 01:47:56,805
and you guys can do
all kinds of drugs together.
2151
01:47:57,096 --> 01:47:58,814
That's all I want for him.
2152
01:47:58,889 --> 01:48:02,814
Oh! It smells like somebody's
got a poopy diaper.
2153
01:48:02,977 --> 01:48:04,194
Teddy, it's your turn
to change him.
2154
01:48:04,478 --> 01:48:05,821
Oh, yeah, no problem.
2155
01:48:06,605 --> 01:48:09,074
- TED: Oh! Fuck me!
- TAMI-LYNN: What's the matter?
2156
01:48:09,149 --> 01:48:10,947
TED: That can't be normal.
He's got to be sick.
2157
01:48:11,026 --> 01:48:12,949
TAMI-LYNN: He's not sick,
it's just baby doody.
2158
01:48:13,028 --> 01:48:14,280
JOHN: Yeah, that's what
babies do, Teddy.
2159
01:48:14,405 --> 01:48:16,282
- TED: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
- JOHN: No.
2160
01:48:16,407 --> 01:48:17,829
- TED: Ah! right. Here, catch.
- (DIAPER SQUISHING)
2161
01:48:17,908 --> 01:48:20,331
- JOHN: Oh, Teddy, What the fuck?
- (SCREAMING)
2162
01:48:20,452 --> 01:48:23,422
- (TED LAUGHING)
- Holy shit! Oh, you motherfucker!
2163
01:48:23,580 --> 01:48:26,333
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- TED: Hashtag "Shit happens."
2164
01:48:26,750 --> 01:48:28,218
(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
2165
01:48:29,219 --> 01:48:59,325
Uploaded by KMAnthony on 11/25/2015
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