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1
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♪
2
00:00:04,750 --> 00:00:07,851
Jackie, did you know Mom sleepwalks?
3
00:00:07,886 --> 00:00:09,453
Oh, that's dangerous.
4
00:00:09,489 --> 00:00:11,154
I heard if you leave your front door open,
5
00:00:11,189 --> 00:00:13,789
a sleepwalker can wander
right out into traffic.
6
00:00:15,027 --> 00:00:17,002
I'm talking wide open.
7
00:00:18,430 --> 00:00:20,470
But you know what the weird thing is?
8
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She's actually really nice
when she's sleepwalking.
9
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She asked me how I was doing
and said I had nice skin.
10
00:00:28,911 --> 00:00:29,972
Wow.
11
00:00:30,008 --> 00:00:33,107
Then she woke up and said,
"Where the hell am I,"
12
00:00:33,345 --> 00:00:35,666
and told me I ruined my children.
13
00:00:36,724 --> 00:00:38,564
Good morning, girls.
14
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Good morning, Mom. How you doing?
15
00:00:41,553 --> 00:00:45,054
Well, I didn't sleep a wink
with all the noise in this house
16
00:00:45,089 --> 00:00:48,357
and that lumpy old bed that
you've got me sleeping on.
17
00:00:48,856 --> 00:00:52,841
But I grew up in the Depression,
so I'm not a complainer.
18
00:00:55,033 --> 00:00:56,988
Although, this is worse.
19
00:00:58,474 --> 00:01:00,220
You know, I hear Jackie's apartment
20
00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:01,353
is nice and quiet.
21
00:01:01,388 --> 00:01:02,587
No. No!
22
00:01:02,623 --> 00:01:04,356
Mom seems very happy here.
23
00:01:04,391 --> 00:01:05,657
And I know that Roseanne wants to spend
24
00:01:05,693 --> 00:01:06,725
- more time with her...
- [GRINDER WHIRRING]
25
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[LOUDLY] since she's been
in the home for a while.
26
00:01:08,629 --> 00:01:09,661
[WHIRRING CONTINUES]
27
00:01:09,697 --> 00:01:12,664
Don't you think Bev would
be much more comfortable
28
00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:14,065
[LOUDLY] in your spare bedroom?
29
00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:16,640
[LOUDLY] Mom! Mom, they're done.
30
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The beans are ground, Mom!
31
00:01:20,307 --> 00:01:22,073
They're dust!
32
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Would it be rude of me
33
00:01:25,712 --> 00:01:29,569
if I were to take my coffee in my room?
34
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- Go for it.
- Absolutely not.
35
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You gotta take her.
36
00:01:39,124 --> 00:01:40,294
No. Not a chance.
37
00:01:41,484 --> 00:01:43,856
Possession is nine tenths of the law.
38
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It's not the law when you don't want
39
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:48,871
the thing that you possess.
40
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:52,689
Now,
she's only here because she came here first
41
00:01:52,725 --> 00:01:54,225
after the home kicked her out.
42
00:01:54,260 --> 00:01:56,284
I hear and respect your argument.
43
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:58,784
I believe that I can make
an equally strong case...
44
00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:00,176
I hate her.
45
00:02:02,450 --> 00:02:04,919
I'm older, so I hated her first.
46
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,822
I don't have any space for her anyhow.
47
00:02:08,858 --> 00:02:11,458
I had to move Darlene and
her kids into one room.
48
00:02:11,494 --> 00:02:13,291
All right. I give in.
49
00:02:13,931 --> 00:02:15,721
I will take Darlene and her kids.
50
00:02:17,599 --> 00:02:19,741
No, I like one of those kids.
51
00:02:20,469 --> 00:02:22,167
Well, it's not fair!
52
00:02:22,871 --> 00:02:24,470
She wasn't supposed to be a burden.
53
00:02:24,506 --> 00:02:25,934
She had money.
54
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:28,414
Well, she doesn't have it anymore.
55
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,684
And the only option is the county facility,
56
00:02:30,719 --> 00:02:31,885
and that's horrible.
57
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:33,586
No, I know we can't send her there.
58
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,868
Those people are suffering enough already.
59
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:40,025
We're gonna have to split her.
60
00:02:40,061 --> 00:02:41,115
Ooh!
61
00:02:41,140 --> 00:02:42,480
Let me split her.
62
00:02:44,471 --> 00:02:46,377
All right. We each get her for a week.
63
00:02:46,377 --> 00:02:47,744
Who goes first?
64
00:02:49,079 --> 00:02:50,612
A-ha!
65
00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:52,187
- Scissors.
- Aah!
66
00:02:52,717 --> 00:02:54,850
I should've knew you
was gonna make a fist...
67
00:02:54,885 --> 00:02:56,684
We were talking about Mom.
68
00:02:58,788 --> 00:03:02,788
♪
69
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♪
70
00:03:18,842 --> 00:03:22,842
♪
71
00:03:27,851 --> 00:03:30,817
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
72
00:03:30,853 --> 00:03:34,454
[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING]
73
00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:37,824
"Roseanne"
is taped in front of a live audience.
74
00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:39,128
What'cha doing?
75
00:03:39,628 --> 00:03:40,827
Writing a letter of introduction
76
00:03:40,863 --> 00:03:42,974
for when we drop you at the foster home.
77
00:03:44,359 --> 00:03:46,296
How much would you say you eat a week?
78
00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:49,302
Say whatever you have to to get me in.
79
00:03:50,506 --> 00:03:52,739
I'm doing a drywall job
for one of the neighbors.
80
00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,408
How did you learn to do that?
81
00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,943
Did you start doing drywall
right after college?
82
00:03:56,978 --> 00:04:00,011
Well, first I apprenticed with
the great drywallers of Vienna.
83
00:04:02,850 --> 00:04:04,017
What's this?
84
00:04:04,052 --> 00:04:05,418
Plans for a birdhouse.
85
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:06,652
After I'm done with the drywall,
86
00:04:06,687 --> 00:04:08,299
he wants me to throw one together for him.
87
00:04:08,324 --> 00:04:09,355
Can I help?
88
00:04:09,391 --> 00:04:10,597
I'll tell you what...
89
00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:14,200
I'll cut the wood,
draw up some instructions,
90
00:04:14,329 --> 00:04:16,129
and you can put it together and paint it.
91
00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:17,459
I can do that.
92
00:04:18,198 --> 00:04:21,643
Why do birds need houses
when they have trees?
93
00:04:21,643 --> 00:04:23,041
I'll do you one better,
94
00:04:23,256 --> 00:04:24,846
and this'll bend your mind.
95
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:28,181
Why do we cut down trees
96
00:04:28,216 --> 00:04:30,376
to make the wood for birdhouses?
97
00:04:32,721 --> 00:04:34,671
Whoa.
98
00:04:36,027 --> 00:04:38,392
One day, you'll have a brownie in college.
99
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,245
It'll make it even better.
100
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,867
♪
101
00:04:44,902 --> 00:04:48,567
All right, baby!
Mama needs a new pair of shoes!
102
00:04:49,307 --> 00:04:51,638
I raise. Save your money, ladies.
103
00:04:51,694 --> 00:04:54,589
Ah, you're not scaring anybody
off with that bubble-gum cigar.
104
00:04:55,445 --> 00:04:56,578
I call.
105
00:04:56,613 --> 00:04:58,668
I fold... I know she's got an ace
106
00:04:58,668 --> 00:05:00,601
'cause it's got
the grape-jelly stain on it.
107
00:05:00,637 --> 00:05:02,447
Heh. I win.
108
00:05:03,372 --> 00:05:05,583
Hold on,
I want to take a picture for my Instagram.
109
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:08,731
27 cents... Rappers gon' be shook.
110
00:05:09,678 --> 00:05:11,178
Hey, put that phone down.
111
00:05:11,213 --> 00:05:13,712
You're missing
the magic of the moment here.
112
00:05:13,916 --> 00:05:15,149
I'm not putting mine down.
113
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:16,817
I'm texting with this really hot chick
114
00:05:16,852 --> 00:05:18,579
that I met on a dating app.
115
00:05:19,221 --> 00:05:22,318
We're 100% personality match.
116
00:05:23,092 --> 00:05:26,981
Well, we fight a lot,
but I believe the science.
117
00:05:28,063 --> 00:05:30,460
What do two women even fight about?
118
00:05:30,899 --> 00:05:32,699
"I want to put the dishes away."
119
00:05:32,734 --> 00:05:35,630
"No, I want to put the dishes away."
120
00:05:36,171 --> 00:05:37,471
[LAUGHS]
121
00:05:37,506 --> 00:05:39,737
Why do they both want to do dishes?
122
00:05:42,377 --> 00:05:44,377
David used to offer to clean the kitchen.
123
00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,577
Then he'd ask me how to clean the kitchen.
124
00:05:46,577 --> 00:05:48,610
Then I would show him
by cleaning the kitchen.
125
00:05:48,645 --> 00:05:51,881
So, really,
it's a story of how stupid I am.
126
00:05:53,108 --> 00:05:55,630
The problem with my lady is,
we're both tops.
127
00:05:57,521 --> 00:06:00,555
Well, I still say it's got to be easier
128
00:06:00,591 --> 00:06:04,092
to be in a relationship
with a woman than a man.
129
00:06:04,508 --> 00:06:07,097
I bet Dan thinks the same thing.
130
00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:12,240
Heh, excuse me?
131
00:06:12,669 --> 00:06:16,080
Well, dear, you have to admit,
you're a bit bossy.
132
00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:20,009
You're calling me bossy?
133
00:06:20,457 --> 00:06:22,891
Deal, Harris, deal.
The tops are about to go at it.
134
00:06:25,940 --> 00:06:28,363
Oh, sweetheart, I'm not bossy.
135
00:06:28,398 --> 00:06:32,246
You just have an adolescent
need to challenge.
136
00:06:33,370 --> 00:06:36,538
Oh,
you really have to have mustard with those.
137
00:06:37,013 --> 00:06:39,408
Ketchup is pure corn syrup.
138
00:06:40,244 --> 00:06:41,737
That's why I like it.
139
00:06:42,821 --> 00:06:45,411
You'll try it with mustard, you'll see.
140
00:06:46,219 --> 00:06:48,987
Do not open that refrigerator, Mom.
141
00:06:51,587 --> 00:06:53,087
I swear to God, if I even see a light
142
00:06:53,122 --> 00:06:54,833
come on on that thing...
143
00:06:55,941 --> 00:06:57,892
Like this?
144
00:06:57,927 --> 00:07:01,927
♪
145
00:07:06,337 --> 00:07:08,889
Roseanne, it's 6:00 a.m.
146
00:07:10,043 --> 00:07:11,513
It's technically Monday.
147
00:07:11,513 --> 00:07:12,846
You're it.
148
00:07:14,415 --> 00:07:18,415
♪
149
00:07:24,371 --> 00:07:27,266
You've been grocery
shopping for seven hours.
150
00:07:27,266 --> 00:07:28,432
What took you?
151
00:07:29,204 --> 00:07:30,585
Long lines.
152
00:07:30,585 --> 00:07:33,641
And then I went to the DMV
and renewed my license early.
153
00:07:35,046 --> 00:07:37,038
I've been meaning to ask you...
154
00:07:37,859 --> 00:07:40,259
I have been staring at this thing all day.
155
00:07:40,295 --> 00:07:41,246
What is it?
156
00:07:41,271 --> 00:07:43,057
Oh, that's my marzipan village.
157
00:07:44,132 --> 00:07:46,932
I made it entirely out of almond paste
158
00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:49,602
and, uh...
working on it helps relieve anxiety.
159
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:51,717
It's just a... Just kind of a hobby.
160
00:07:52,915 --> 00:07:55,446
It's not a hobby, dear, it's a symptom.
161
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:58,343
All I'm saying is,
162
00:07:58,379 --> 00:08:01,614
if you ever want a man
to take you seriously,
163
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:04,550
you need to stop doing things like that.
164
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,886
I have no problem getting men, Mother.
165
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:10,198
[SCOFFS] The trick is keeping them, dear.
166
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:12,924
Look at how you've arranged your furniture.
167
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:15,593
You have a single chair in front of the TV
168
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:18,610
that screams
"I don't want anybody else here."
169
00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:22,725
And yet some people just
don't seem to get the message.
170
00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:25,904
You know what, Mom?
I don't want to do this anymore.
171
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,705
I am a certified life coach.
172
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,340
We are breaking this pattern right now.
173
00:08:29,492 --> 00:08:32,810
I love your passion,
but when I hear life coach,
174
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,628
I think it should be
someone who has a life.
175
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,382
You ever see "The Godfather," Mom?
176
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:43,922
No, I don't think so.
177
00:08:48,775 --> 00:08:50,226
Buona notte, Mama.
178
00:08:50,543 --> 00:08:53,778
♪
179
00:08:53,813 --> 00:08:56,314
[SING-SONG] I finished the birdhouse.
180
00:08:56,349 --> 00:08:58,749
Open the curtain. Let's see what you got.
181
00:09:02,755 --> 00:09:05,258
Is this where birds stay
when they go to Vegas?
182
00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:08,759
The birds only use it in the summer,
183
00:09:08,795 --> 00:09:10,552
so I made it more open.
184
00:09:12,173 --> 00:09:13,664
But the birds didn't pay me for this job.
185
00:09:13,699 --> 00:09:15,132
Mr. Nelson did,
186
00:09:15,167 --> 00:09:18,035
and he wanted it
to match his house exactly.
187
00:09:18,339 --> 00:09:20,603
Well, Mr. Nelson also had his wife
188
00:09:20,639 --> 00:09:22,704
get plastic surgery
to look like his mother.
189
00:09:23,615 --> 00:09:25,380
Mr. Nelson is a freak.
190
00:09:26,278 --> 00:09:27,459
Be that as it may,
191
00:09:27,506 --> 00:09:29,952
if you don't give the
customer what they want,
192
00:09:29,987 --> 00:09:31,546
they go to someone else.
193
00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:33,972
I'm gonna have to do
this over in the morning.
194
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,348
Sorry, Grandpa.
195
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,043
Dad, come on.
196
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,345
I try to encourage him when
he thinks outside the box.
197
00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:43,547
That birdhouse was amazingly creative.
198
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,983
It was creative.
199
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,027
But this was a job.
200
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:50,154
I make up songs in the shower.
They're real creative.
201
00:09:50,189 --> 00:09:52,556
But if show up to work naked and singing,
202
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,938
they don't pay me.
203
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,832
They call the heat.
204
00:09:56,862 --> 00:09:59,163
Look, there are different kinds of jobs now
205
00:09:59,198 --> 00:10:01,632
where people get rewarded
for being creative.
206
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,234
Elon Musk makes his own rules.
207
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,802
And the 600 people who work for Elon Musk
208
00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:07,170
have to follow those rules.
209
00:10:07,205 --> 00:10:08,538
And if they don't, I'm sure he has
210
00:10:08,573 --> 00:10:10,557
a real creative way of firing them.
211
00:10:10,909 --> 00:10:11,909
You know what?
212
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:13,243
Would you stop thinking of Mark
213
00:10:13,278 --> 00:10:15,012
as some guy on an assembly line?
214
00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:16,346
He's different.
215
00:10:16,381 --> 00:10:18,148
He's got more potential than that.
216
00:10:18,183 --> 00:10:19,564
Meddling mothers.
217
00:10:19,918 --> 00:10:22,385
This is why kids can't get
work in factories anymore.
218
00:10:22,420 --> 00:10:26,420
♪
219
00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:33,555
Mom?
220
00:10:33,931 --> 00:10:35,931
How did you move all my furniture?
221
00:10:35,967 --> 00:10:38,381
You have bones like meringue.
222
00:10:40,972 --> 00:10:42,571
You know who does this?
223
00:10:42,606 --> 00:10:46,408
A manipulative, narcissistic psychopath.
224
00:10:48,245 --> 00:10:49,211
Not an insult.
225
00:10:49,246 --> 00:10:51,845
I'm just giving you a
heads up on the eulogy.
226
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:54,081
Mom?
227
00:10:55,952 --> 00:10:57,046
Mom?
228
00:10:58,327 --> 00:10:59,420
Oh, crap.
229
00:10:59,890 --> 00:11:01,141
Oh, crap.
230
00:11:01,659 --> 00:11:03,498
Hi, Roseanne. Is Mom there?
231
00:11:03,927 --> 00:11:05,958
Uh... no reason.
232
00:11:06,497 --> 00:11:09,030
♪
233
00:11:09,415 --> 00:11:11,800
So, those are the Uber rules, Nick.
234
00:11:11,835 --> 00:11:13,068
Any questions?
235
00:11:13,103 --> 00:11:14,069
Water? Gum?
236
00:11:14,104 --> 00:11:15,763
Oh, no thanks. I'm fine.
237
00:11:17,607 --> 00:11:19,040
Okay. One last thing...
238
00:11:19,076 --> 00:11:20,983
I never know if I'm supposed to tip.
239
00:11:21,178 --> 00:11:22,310
Well, let's see.
240
00:11:22,345 --> 00:11:25,307
I picked you up at your house,
so I know where you live,
241
00:11:25,448 --> 00:11:27,780
so I guess it's up to you.
242
00:11:29,919 --> 00:11:30,951
Why are you stopping?
243
00:11:33,489 --> 00:11:35,323
Sorry. Sorry, Roseanne.
244
00:11:35,358 --> 00:11:36,557
Have you heard anything from Mom?
245
00:11:36,593 --> 00:11:37,593
Driver, excuse me.
246
00:11:37,627 --> 00:11:39,260
There's not supposed to
be any family or friends
247
00:11:39,295 --> 00:11:40,858
in the car during a ride.
248
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,783
I know where you live, Nick.
249
00:11:44,366 --> 00:11:46,834
Hey, quick question. You're a guy.
250
00:11:46,869 --> 00:11:48,335
If you walked into a woman's house
251
00:11:48,370 --> 00:11:50,003
and she had a chair in front of the TV
252
00:11:50,039 --> 00:11:51,105
instead of a couch,
253
00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:52,339
would that turn you off?
254
00:11:52,374 --> 00:11:56,038
And keep in mind,
this woman is fantastic in every other way.
255
00:11:57,780 --> 00:11:59,210
I got to get a car.
256
00:12:00,715 --> 00:12:03,350
Look, I'm gonna be straight with you, Nick.
257
00:12:03,385 --> 00:12:06,986
My sister lost our mom,
and we've got to find her.
258
00:12:07,021 --> 00:12:08,988
- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
- [SIGHS]
259
00:12:09,023 --> 00:12:09,956
Hello?
260
00:12:09,991 --> 00:12:11,206
It's me, Mom.
261
00:12:11,293 --> 00:12:13,993
I just wanted to tell you that
Grandma's at my apartment.
262
00:12:14,028 --> 00:12:16,129
Oh, thank God.
263
00:12:16,164 --> 00:12:18,631
And you two should be
ashamed of yourselves.
264
00:12:18,666 --> 00:12:21,200
She may not be perfect, but she raised you.
265
00:12:21,236 --> 00:12:23,102
And she helped us out when we needed it.
266
00:12:23,138 --> 00:12:24,837
And now I'm gonna do the same for her
267
00:12:24,873 --> 00:12:26,806
because it's the right thing to do.
268
00:12:26,841 --> 00:12:28,841
She's going to be staying with me.
269
00:12:29,204 --> 00:12:31,310
You know she's broke, right?
270
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,275
What's that?
271
00:12:34,482 --> 00:12:35,894
It doesn't matter.
272
00:12:36,183 --> 00:12:37,750
That's not why I'm doing this...
273
00:12:37,985 --> 00:12:39,015
anymore.
274
00:12:40,220 --> 00:12:41,553
You know, you're right about us, Becky.
275
00:12:41,589 --> 00:12:42,621
You're a better person than we are,
276
00:12:42,657 --> 00:12:44,790
and we're gonna have to
live with the shame of that.
277
00:12:44,825 --> 00:12:46,191
Yep, me too. Okay, thanks.
278
00:12:46,226 --> 00:12:47,666
Say "hi" to Mom.
279
00:12:47,791 --> 00:12:48,727
Oh!
280
00:12:48,763 --> 00:12:50,061
Ha-ho!
281
00:12:50,097 --> 00:12:51,963
[BOTH LAUGH]
282
00:12:51,999 --> 00:12:54,332
♪
283
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:55,901
Mark must be really bummed.
284
00:12:55,936 --> 00:12:57,535
He's been in his room for hours.
285
00:12:57,570 --> 00:12:58,950
[SIGHS]
286
00:12:59,572 --> 00:13:00,563
You know...
287
00:13:01,675 --> 00:13:03,241
when I was playing
football in high school...
288
00:13:03,277 --> 00:13:04,297
Eughh.
289
00:13:06,321 --> 00:13:07,578
Let me finish.
290
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,382
State championship...
291
00:13:09,683 --> 00:13:13,683
The couch gives me one job...
Stop the running back.
292
00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:17,154
But I got creative and
went for the quarterback.
293
00:13:17,190 --> 00:13:19,857
Running back scampers by me 50 yards
294
00:13:19,892 --> 00:13:21,196
for the winning touchdown.
295
00:13:21,761 --> 00:13:23,819
I didn't follow directions.
296
00:13:24,931 --> 00:13:27,034
And that's why I'm not a pro today.
297
00:13:28,234 --> 00:13:31,529
I thought beer and a bad back
is why you're not a pro today.
298
00:13:32,205 --> 00:13:34,375
And by the way,
didn't you punch your coach?
299
00:13:35,322 --> 00:13:36,606
It's a simple story.
300
00:13:36,642 --> 00:13:38,667
Why do you have to pick it apart?
301
00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:43,112
Ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've all been waiting for,
302
00:13:43,148 --> 00:13:46,526
the unveiling of The Most
Boring Birdhouse Ever!
303
00:13:47,790 --> 00:13:50,945
And crowd goes "ehhh."
304
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:55,455
Yeah, but I think Mr. Nelson's
gonna be very pleased.
305
00:13:55,687 --> 00:13:57,715
And so will his mother-wife.
306
00:14:01,266 --> 00:14:03,599
I painted flowers and a sun on the inside
307
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:05,767
so the birds would think
it was always summer.
308
00:14:06,171 --> 00:14:08,104
I just wanted it to be a little special.
309
00:14:08,629 --> 00:14:10,974
You know, the world has a way
310
00:14:11,009 --> 00:14:13,275
of kind of forcing you to
be like everybody else.
311
00:14:13,931 --> 00:14:15,911
The trick is to find the balance
312
00:14:15,946 --> 00:14:18,080
between playing by the
rules and breaking them.
313
00:14:18,593 --> 00:14:19,982
So it's okay if I...
314
00:14:20,017 --> 00:14:22,159
Unless they're my rules. Don't test me.
315
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:26,255
Hey, I'll kill you if you tell her,
316
00:14:26,290 --> 00:14:28,666
but these franks are great with mustard.
317
00:14:31,515 --> 00:14:33,488
You got to do something about Grandma!
318
00:14:34,645 --> 00:14:36,588
Well, you made it half a day.
319
00:14:37,968 --> 00:14:40,602
She's having sex right now
320
00:14:40,637 --> 00:14:43,638
in my apartment with a very old man.
321
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,808
It's only 4:00.
322
00:14:46,843 --> 00:14:48,576
Yeah, they went to dinner,
323
00:14:48,612 --> 00:14:50,567
came right back, and started doin' it.
324
00:14:51,314 --> 00:14:53,317
You got to get her out of there right now.
325
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,918
I am living here and eating your food
326
00:14:56,953 --> 00:14:58,270
until you do.
327
00:14:58,655 --> 00:15:00,588
Fine. Let's go, Jackie.
328
00:15:00,624 --> 00:15:02,089
Well,
what are we gonna do when we get there,
329
00:15:02,125 --> 00:15:04,125
just charge in and break it up?
330
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,260
No, we'll go in and yell "fire,"
331
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:07,594
and they should be out of the room,
332
00:15:07,630 --> 00:15:09,927
45 minutes to an hour, tops.
333
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:15,200
♪
334
00:15:20,577 --> 00:15:21,734
Mom, it's us.
335
00:15:22,398 --> 00:15:24,494
BEV: Of course it is. Come in!
336
00:15:27,353 --> 00:15:28,624
Hi, Mom.
337
00:15:28,624 --> 00:15:31,489
Girls, this is my boyfriend, Lou.
338
00:15:34,863 --> 00:15:37,040
Who treats me like a queen.
339
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:41,368
Lou, these are my daughters,
Roseanne and Jackie.
340
00:15:41,403 --> 00:15:44,486
They treat me like a
fly in the potato salad.
341
00:15:44,573 --> 00:15:46,340
- Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
342
00:15:46,619 --> 00:15:49,006
Those are your daughters?
343
00:15:50,379 --> 00:15:53,240
I would've mistaken them for your sisters.
344
00:15:54,952 --> 00:15:56,629
Uncalled for, Lou.
345
00:15:58,453 --> 00:16:02,054
Uh, Mom,
Becky says you guys got to go right now.
346
00:16:02,677 --> 00:16:06,269
You don't need to put up
with this kind of disrespect.
347
00:16:06,294 --> 00:16:07,702
Beverly,
348
00:16:08,302 --> 00:16:11,951
let's just get in the car and drive.
349
00:16:13,934 --> 00:16:16,730
All we need is a car.
350
00:16:18,006 --> 00:16:20,706
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, we'll just go.
351
00:16:20,741 --> 00:16:23,376
I'm going to need some
help with Lou's socks.
352
00:16:23,411 --> 00:16:26,778
He can't bend that far,
and my arthritis is killing me.
353
00:16:26,814 --> 00:16:29,648
- Jackie, help your mo...
- I'm not touching his feet.
354
00:16:30,311 --> 00:16:31,506
Okay, sit, Lou.
355
00:16:32,486 --> 00:16:35,086
I need my compression socks.
356
00:16:35,122 --> 00:16:38,289
They force the blood to my heart.
357
00:16:38,325 --> 00:16:40,316
Point your toes, Lou.
358
00:16:40,593 --> 00:16:42,727
If I could feel 'em, I'd point 'em.
359
00:16:45,598 --> 00:16:46,764
All right.
360
00:16:46,799 --> 00:16:48,599
I'm gonna take Lou back to the home.
361
00:16:48,635 --> 00:16:51,836
And Jackie's gonna help
you pack up all your stuff.
362
00:16:51,871 --> 00:16:54,072
Fine, but you two have to make a decision
363
00:16:54,107 --> 00:16:56,441
about who is going to be stuck with me.
364
00:16:56,476 --> 00:16:58,442
I can't be dragging my belongings
365
00:16:58,477 --> 00:16:59,977
from one house to the other.
366
00:17:00,013 --> 00:17:01,311
It's too hard.
367
00:17:05,217 --> 00:17:08,285
Lou, could you wait
for Roseanne downstairs?
368
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:09,356
I need a minute.
369
00:17:09,381 --> 00:17:10,858
It's two flights.
370
00:17:11,457 --> 00:17:13,303
You got some time.
371
00:17:16,028 --> 00:17:17,617
Okay, what are we gonna do?
372
00:17:17,654 --> 00:17:18,954
I don't want her, and you don't want her.
373
00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:21,698
There's only one solution.
You have to take her.
374
00:17:21,733 --> 00:17:22,899
No, Roseanne, come on.
375
00:17:22,935 --> 00:17:25,891
You know she picks me apart
way more than she does you.
376
00:17:25,916 --> 00:17:26,970
So what do we do...
377
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:28,805
Take her to the county facility
378
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,707
where people die in the hallways?
379
00:17:30,742 --> 00:17:33,997
Well, we can go visit it
before we make any decisions.
380
00:17:34,746 --> 00:17:36,612
Well, we got to figure something out.
381
00:17:36,882 --> 00:17:38,882
I'm gonna get going, 'cause I'm sure
382
00:17:38,917 --> 00:17:41,776
Lou has tumbled down to
the bottom stair by now.
383
00:17:45,223 --> 00:17:47,723
Mom, what are you doing?
We're getting ready to go.
384
00:17:47,758 --> 00:17:50,793
You won't be happy until I'm gone,
385
00:17:50,828 --> 00:17:52,612
so this is for you.
386
00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:55,998
Oh, come on.
387
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,666
You know you've just been
standing by that window,
388
00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:59,000
waiting for me to come in
389
00:17:59,025 --> 00:18:02,037
so you can manipulate
me and make me feel bad.
390
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,642
Do you know why I left last night?
391
00:18:06,677 --> 00:18:09,447
I watched "The Godfather"
after you went to bed.
392
00:18:09,947 --> 00:18:11,778
That man killed his brother.
393
00:18:11,803 --> 00:18:12,768
No, he did not.
394
00:18:12,793 --> 00:18:13,926
He had someone else do it,
395
00:18:13,951 --> 00:18:16,127
and I don't have that kind of money.
396
00:18:17,121 --> 00:18:18,451
Look, Mom!
397
00:18:19,689 --> 00:18:21,055
I was just upset.
398
00:18:21,091 --> 00:18:24,359
Upset enough to put me in a county facility
399
00:18:24,394 --> 00:18:27,095
where people die in the hallways?
400
00:18:27,131 --> 00:18:31,131
When is your hearing gonna go bad?
401
00:18:32,302 --> 00:18:34,569
I knew you girls didn't like me,
402
00:18:34,605 --> 00:18:37,505
but I didn't think you hated me so much
403
00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,107
you would throw me in the garbage.
404
00:18:39,142 --> 00:18:42,176
Mom, this is crazy.
You're not gonna do this.
405
00:18:42,211 --> 00:18:44,078
You don't think so? Dare me.
406
00:18:44,114 --> 00:18:45,114
- No.
- Dare me!
407
00:18:45,148 --> 00:18:46,580
- No!
- Dare me!
408
00:18:46,616 --> 00:18:48,349
- I want it to be over!
- No, Mom, stop.
409
00:18:48,384 --> 00:18:50,351
Mom! Mom! Don't! You're freaking me out!
410
00:18:50,386 --> 00:18:52,497
I love you! I don't want you to die!
411
00:18:54,457 --> 00:18:57,426
Get in here, you crazy old woman.
412
00:18:59,895 --> 00:19:00,911
[SIGHS]
413
00:19:02,131 --> 00:19:03,162
[HUFFS]
414
00:19:07,637 --> 00:19:09,696
Why did you stop me?
415
00:19:10,773 --> 00:19:12,472
Because my life would be better
without you,
416
00:19:12,507 --> 00:19:16,390
but it would be so much better
if it was better with you.
417
00:19:18,847 --> 00:19:21,082
Well, I guess that's up to you.
418
00:19:22,062 --> 00:19:23,758
Well, you're right. I guess it is.
419
00:19:24,186 --> 00:19:25,785
I just keep asking you
420
00:19:25,820 --> 00:19:28,120
for something that you can't give me.
421
00:19:28,156 --> 00:19:29,824
And I'm gonna have to
work on that if we're...
422
00:19:31,493 --> 00:19:32,992
if you're gonna live with me.
423
00:19:33,027 --> 00:19:34,036
[SIGHS]
424
00:19:35,963 --> 00:19:37,163
I'm gonna live with you?
425
00:19:37,199 --> 00:19:38,752
[STRAINED] Yeah, you are.
426
00:19:40,202 --> 00:19:43,969
What's gonna happen when
we start fighting again?
427
00:19:44,005 --> 00:19:45,738
How are we going to avoid that?
428
00:19:45,773 --> 00:19:48,074
Well, that's obvious. I'm 60. You're 90.
429
00:19:48,109 --> 00:19:50,182
We go through about 10 years of therapy.
430
00:19:52,151 --> 00:19:53,913
Well, I may die before that.
431
00:19:53,948 --> 00:19:55,331
Well, then I win.
432
00:19:55,717 --> 00:19:59,717
♪
433
00:20:01,488 --> 00:20:02,882
[SIGHS]
434
00:20:03,390 --> 00:20:04,807
I got to ask.
435
00:20:05,292 --> 00:20:07,492
Would you let your mom
move into the county home?
436
00:20:07,871 --> 00:20:10,016
Well, thank God
it didn't come to that, Dan.
437
00:20:10,016 --> 00:20:11,856
I'm not really sure.
438
00:20:12,238 --> 00:20:14,925
We certainly don't want to
give the kids any ideas.
439
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:22,074
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
440
00:20:23,313 --> 00:20:24,760
[GROANS]
441
00:20:25,549 --> 00:20:27,167
You're so transparent.
442
00:20:27,652 --> 00:20:30,418
No, this is pure love here.
443
00:20:30,454 --> 00:20:31,886
You're taking one for the team,
444
00:20:31,921 --> 00:20:33,221
and I am never gonna forget it.
445
00:20:33,257 --> 00:20:34,414
Well, you were right.
446
00:20:34,445 --> 00:20:36,558
I couldn't let go
of needing Mom's approval,
447
00:20:36,593 --> 00:20:38,193
and that's something that
I'm gonna have to work on
448
00:20:38,228 --> 00:20:39,261
if we're gonna have a relationship.
449
00:20:39,296 --> 00:20:41,714
But I think it was the right thing to do,
right?
450
00:20:41,739 --> 00:20:43,031
Yeah. Good girl, Jackie.
451
00:20:43,066 --> 00:20:43,989
Thank you.
452
00:20:45,128 --> 00:20:46,568
And I promise,
453
00:20:46,603 --> 00:20:48,202
I'm gonna take her off your hands
454
00:20:48,237 --> 00:20:50,271
at least once a month to give you a break.
455
00:20:50,306 --> 00:20:52,106
Great, she likes to go to the park
456
00:20:52,142 --> 00:20:53,708
and criticize the children.
457
00:20:57,142 --> 00:20:58,542
[FAKE CRYING]
458
00:20:59,999 --> 00:21:02,233
There are no words to express the love
459
00:21:02,268 --> 00:21:04,102
that I feel for you in this moment.
460
00:21:04,102 --> 00:21:05,341
It's okay, Dan.
461
00:21:05,341 --> 00:21:07,622
No, no. You saved our lives.
462
00:21:08,899 --> 00:21:11,375
This is from Peterson Heating and Air.
463
00:21:12,195 --> 00:21:13,794
They'd want you to have it.
464
00:21:13,830 --> 00:21:15,163
Thank you.
465
00:21:15,198 --> 00:21:16,597
The therapist gave us a list
466
00:21:16,633 --> 00:21:18,599
of "trigger words" for me and Mom,
467
00:21:18,635 --> 00:21:20,989
so I'll use this to hang it on the fridge.
468
00:21:21,437 --> 00:21:23,004
What kind of words are we talking about?
469
00:21:23,039 --> 00:21:24,145
"Hi," "hello"...
470
00:21:24,184 --> 00:21:26,473
There's quite a few that
get us into trouble.
471
00:21:26,509 --> 00:21:28,308
♪
471
00:21:29,305 --> 00:21:35,469
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