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Hello?
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HE KNOCKS
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Uncle Andy?
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Errol?
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What happened? Did you overdose?
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I've got the flu. How'd you get in?
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I used the spare key under the mat.
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What spare key under the mat?
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The one I had made.
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HE COUGHS
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Why aren't you running for your life?
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Oh, I've had the flu jab. I'm invincible.
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Oh. What do you want?
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You came all this way to give me a piece of paper?
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It's a song competition.
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I'll go and make a cup of tea and you can read the details.
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PHONE RINGS, HE GROANS
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Is Roly there?
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I'm not sure. He could be a hallucination.
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I've just drank a tonne of cough syrup.
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Ooh, are you robo-tripping? I use to love doing that.
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No, I've got the flu.
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Oh. You should've got the jab. Listen, did Roly tell you we had a fight?
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He just stormed out. He's been horrible lately.
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It's just puberty.
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Ugh, God, I hope not.
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I TRIED to go on a date the other night, but Roly hid my car keys.
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And then when we were playing Scrabble, he spelled, "traitor."
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So? What's the big deal?
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Three times in one game.
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Oh, shit. Scrabble messages? That's how Fred West got started.
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So who's this bloke you've been seeing?
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Oh, just someone I met at a sex trauma workshop.
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- Sexy.
- Oh, speaking of...
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If someone texts you, "What are you wearing?"
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but all you're wearing is a shitty dressing gown,
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then what would you say?
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Are you really asking your brother for sext advice?
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It's not a sext! It's a foreplext.
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Just write "a strap-on and an open mind."
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Really? That would do it for you?
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Hypothetically. Now let me die in peace.
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I'm not fighting with Mum. And I didn't hide her keys.
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She's just always losing them.
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Have you just listened to our entire conversation?
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Did she say who she's been texting?
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No. What do you care?
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Well, if I knew his name, I could do a CRB check on him.
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- KNOCK AT DOOR
- Andy?
- Who's that?
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You're rent's past due again. Two weeks late.
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Andy?
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Ugh, I think I just got some of your body salt in my mouth.
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Why haven't you paid your rent?
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Because I'm out of severance with Carpet Brothers,
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and my job seekers hasn't come in yet and I'm si-i-i-ick.
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Which is why we need to write this song. The deadline's tomorrow.
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The only thing I'm going to do today is watch Game of Thrones and hate people on Facebook.
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What have you got to lose?
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My dignity.
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You're wearing a onesie.
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It's a jumpsuit.
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But this could be The Bear Maximum's big comeback. It'll be fun.
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No. You can't come back in a band after trying to go solo.
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That's like Japan not being allowed weapons after the war.
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Fine. Well, first prize is only £20,000.
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The Bear Maximum is go!
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No. This is a solo project.
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I'm doing this for myself by myself.
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Besides, I need the money more than you.
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But I was the one who told you about the contest!
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And for that, I am eternally grateful, little buddy.
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If you're so broke, how are you going to pay for a studio?
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A friend owes me a favour.
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For what?
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Let's just say that when the pigs raided his house party,
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his incriminating stash magically disappeared.
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I couldn't crap straight for a week.
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Hugo, this is my nephew, Errol.
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Please don't tell anyone about this because if my boss finds out,
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he'll literally cut my head off, put it on a pike or cut my nuts off
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and put 'em in my mouth. Cut my feet off, make 'em into hands.
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Relax, we get the picture.
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Then he'll sack me.
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Would I get you the sack?
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Probably.
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Here she is. Remember you've only got until two, guys.
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There's another band in afterwards so...
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Oh, we're not a band. This is a solo thing.
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You're producing for the kid? Nice one, brother.
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Oh, and if you need any engineering help,
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I'm trying to get my 10,000 hours. Only got 9,958 to go.
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Not necessary. It's only a quick job.
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In and out...
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Ooh, someone's had a boozy night? Got the DTs?
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I've got the flu.
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Should've got the jab. Keep it down. Jerry's got bat ears.
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Nice onesie, by the way. Where'd you get it from?
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OK! See you in a bit, then!
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# Last place hero... #
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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Wait, wait, wait, Last Place Hero is one of our unrecorded songs. I wrote the lyrics.
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And I wrote the melody, so if I change the lyrics,
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then it's a new song.
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# There's a way to win And a way to lose
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# If you're a hero Just like Nero... #
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Hold on, hold on...
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Emperor Nero burned Christians in his garden as a source of light.
108
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Well, maybe I mean the band Nero.
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And if you've got any questions from now on, raise your hand.
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# Last place hero
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# Fun like Robert De Niro... #
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- What?!
- Robert De Niro is not fun.
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Clearly you've never seen Midnight Run.
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The film set in the Turkish prison?
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That's Midnight Express! Do you know nothing?!
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Now, here I am just trying to write something that's a little bit
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profound. What do you want?
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You want me to write something, what, that's important?
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What like a song about recycling?
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# Recycling, recycling It is so exciting
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# If you want a way to earn some cash
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# Why not go return your trash... #
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- Whoa!
- Is that what you want?
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Wait a minute - that's a blatant lie.
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You can't make cash from recycling.
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All right, now don't touch anything. Just push record on three.
127
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So, you don't want me to touch anything but you want me
128
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- to press record?
- Did I stutter?
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No. It's just...how am I going to not touch anything yet press record?
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Oh, you know what I mean. Just push it on three.
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I think I'll go... I think I'll go on two just to be safe.
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- Then what's the point in me counting to three?
- Well, it's a cushion.
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I don't need a cushion!
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You're making me yell now!
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- I can't make you yell.
- Just push it on three!
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One...two...three.
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I nailed it. Let's hear it back.
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- I thought I was only allowed to press record?
- Just press play.
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'Then what's the point of me counting to three?!
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- 'It's a cushion.
- I don't need a cushion.
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- 'You're making me yell now.
- I can't make you yell.
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'Just push it on three!
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'One, two...'
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- What happened to that amazing track I just recorded?
- Oops.
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Looks like I might have accidentally pressed record a bit earlier without realising it.
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- At least I went on two.
- You're sabotaging me!
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Sabotage? Please, if I was sabotaging you, you wouldn't even know.
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- I'd be like Mossad.
- Who's Mossad?
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The Israeli secret service. They're the best!
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Well, then you need better sound-proofing in here, then.
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PHONE VIBRATES
152
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- What?
- I sent your strap-on text and he wrote back,
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"Sounds like I've been a bad boy. What're you going to do?"
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What should I write?
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Just write "I'm reporting you to Human Resources."
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I'm hanging up now. Bye.
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- Hugo?
- Is something broken?
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Have you got a minute to come down and record something for me?
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Oh, what, you need my help?
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Not "help." Assistance.
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Oh, right, you mean like when you grow a moustache and you let your
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face hair grow around it and people are like, "Do you have a beard?"
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and you're like, "No, I've got a moustache".
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MUSIC PLAYS
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And THAT'S how you record a track.
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Nice work, Hugo.
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Now all I've got to do is finish off these lyrics.
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Do you not think this could maybe use some keyboard?
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Oh, that's funny, I play keyboards, but someone doesn't want my help.
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Really? Cos I think this could use a little EDM vibe.
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I'm just going to jump in.
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But I only play keyboards for The Bear Maximum.
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So I wouldn't play them for you if you begged.
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Oh, really? And what if it was my dying wish?
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That would be the saddest dying wish ever.
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I'm sorry. What's your awesome dying wish, then?
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I'd like to have my ashes sent into space. Preferably towards Europa.
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Never going to happen. NASA don't care about the ashes of
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some dead British kid. It's too expensive.
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But it's my dying wish. Money's no object.
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In that case, my dying wish is for you to take my guitar
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up to the top of Mount Everest.
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Mount Everest? That's in the Death Zone. Do you know what they use for landmarks?
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- Dead bodies.
- Who cares?! I've just gone broke sending your ashes into outer space!
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I can't believe you won't do this for me!
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What's the point in a dying wish if we both end up dead?
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Guys! Listen to this.
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TRACK PLAYS WITH PERCUSSION AND BASS
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That's good. Is that generated?
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The drums are, yeah.
191
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But I actually sampled the bass from a session
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we had with a band last week.
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Can we use that?
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Er...we'll have to get the bass guitarist to come in
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and do a live version but he's really cool, genuine,
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down to earth, great tattoos.
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I'm pretty sure he'd do me a favour.
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Well, get him in!
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# You're a last place hero
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# Last place for wimps And first place for pimps... #
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- Uncle Andy?
- I'm not changing that.
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Do you know how hard it is to find a rhyme for wimps?
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Limps, glimpse, chimps, crimps, shrimps.
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That's not what I was going to say, though.
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- If you let me back in the band, I'll let you keep the prize.
- No deal.
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Guys, meet Casper.
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Fuck.
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Hey, guys.
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I'm so sorry. If I'd known...
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Where are you going?
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Kid, I'd rather have my cock amputated
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and replaced by a cactus than play on your uncle's track.
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We really shouldn't be talking in the hallway. Jerry can smell people.
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Errol, I'm sure you don't understand why us grown-ups keep fighting
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and we can't put our differences aside in the name of music,
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but life just doesn't work like that,
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plus your uncle is a dick to my boyfriend.
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You're looking at this all wrong.
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If you want to get under Uncle Andy's skin, you need to play on his track.
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That way, every time he listens to it, he'll hear you.
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No matter how good the song is, it'll be ruined forever.
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All right, let's do this.
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Hey mate, you're not playing on my track.
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Do you need bass or not?
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Nobody needs bass.
226
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You look like shit. Like worse than usual. You got the hiv?
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- I've got the flu.
- Should've got the jab.
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Listen, if you use Hugo's sample, I'll sue you till your arse is sore.
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All right. Live bass. Take one.
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Only going to need one take, mate.
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HE GAGS
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HE MOANS What's that?
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- It's a rusty trombone.
- HE GAGS
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I don't even want to know what that one is.
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One, two...one, two...
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- Babe, do you mind?
- What, babe?
- Babe, your phone.
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Oh, yeah, one second, babe. I'm just on the last level.
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- Babe! Turn your fuckin' phone off!
- Just play your little bass.
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OK, first off, this isn't a little bass,
240
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it's actually quite a big bass.
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And secondly, show some respect for my process.
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You're process is dumb!
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Right - fuck this.
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And that's a cut on take one.
245
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,880
Knock, knock, are you ready to rock?! Did I just see Casper?
246
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:19,320
Mum? What are you doing here?
247
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,160
Oh, this is your mum? Cool.
248
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,240
How did you find us?
249
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,480
Roly tweeted your location.
250
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,600
So are The Bear Maximum really back together?
251
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,840
No. I know what you're doing. I switched my phone off,
252
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,840
so you come here to get me to write a sext for you.
253
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,080
But if you did get a text asking if you've been a filthy girl,
254
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,040
- then what would you say?
- Hmm, good question.
255
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,840
And I'll answer that as soon as you get Gwen to make up with Casper.
256
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,720
- So, what are you going to do?
- Get Casper to make up with Gwen.
257
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:43,760
Is that a onesie?
258
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,720
Want to talk about it?
259
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,320
- No.
- Works for me.
260
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,920
I mean, what is her problem?
261
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,880
When we were first dating, she would be sat in that front row
262
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:15,160
every single night staring at me with those fuck-me eyes.
263
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,760
Yeah, and those eyes have been around.
264
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,520
Now it's like she won't even look at me.
265
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,600
It's like I'm you.
266
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,160
PHONE RINGS
267
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,800
Hi, Jerry, you all right? You're still in the mix, right?
268
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,200
No-no-no, I didn't forget. I can come over now.
269
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,200
No, I can take... OK, I'll take your order on the phone.
270
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,480
OK, right.
271
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,960
Tuna mustard - gluten-free tuna wrap - right, yeah.
272
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,680
Onion, lettuce, kale chips.
273
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,120
- Ah, there it is.
- You want onion on the tuna wrap?
274
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,400
OK. Diet energy drink, yeah?
275
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:51,280
- Taurine, no guarine...
- Thought you were the food Nazi.
276
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,440
Decaf soya milk. And one Toblerone.
277
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,240
Yeah, heavy on the Tobes.
278
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,080
No, it's not funny, you're right. OK.
279
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,440
Right. I've got to go.
280
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,320
Jerry turns into the Red Hulk when he's hypoglycaemic.
281
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,080
Remember, you guys have only got till two, OK?
282
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,400
I mean, she finds every way to try and humiliate me.
283
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,000
The other day she tried to do me with a strap-on.
284
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,480
She ever do that to you?
285
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,720
Pfft, no!
286
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,120
Although I've heard it's not actually that bad.
287
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,240
And that the prostate is quite an under-appreciated organ.
288
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,520
But, er, yeah - strap-ons - lame.
289
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:24,720
What're you talking about?
290
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,720
Errol, er, we're not talking about anything.
291
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:30,280
I hate when you do that! I'm nearly 14 now, I can take it. I'm ready.
292
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:33,200
A strap-on's a dildo that women will strap-on like a belt
293
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,000
in order to have sex with other women and sometimes men.
294
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,160
- I wasn't ready.
- What are you doing here anyway?
295
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,800
Hugo's just gone to get Jerry's lunch.
296
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,360
He says that time's running out. Why would you use it on a man?
297
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,120
Because it feels great.
298
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:46,400
You know, apparently.
299
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,240
Wait, are you saying a man...
300
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,800
Can stick it up his arse if he thinks I'm going to apologise!
301
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,640
You know, sometimes I imagine cutting his cock into little coins to relax myself.
302
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,040
- Ow!
- He's just so intense.
303
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,960
I mean, he makes sex go on for hours just for the ego of it.
304
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,480
It's boring, you know?
305
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,000
That's so boring. Back off, Sting.
306
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,760
I feel like I'm being bitten by a pit bull and I can't shake it off.
307
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,080
I heard the best way to stop a pit bull biting you is to
308
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,400
stick your finger up its bum.
309
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:18,040
So maybe you should just stick your finger up the bum of life.
310
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,560
Yeah, I'm not even going to take my rings off.
311
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,360
Next time I see Casper, I'm definitely breaking up with him.
312
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,000
Cool. Um, so...
313
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,560
are you any good at sexting?
314
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:29,960
Cos I've got this...
315
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,360
Babe?
316
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,080
GUITAR STRUMMING
317
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,320
Well, I wish I could say it's been a pleasure.
318
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,240
The feeling's mutual.
319
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,200
Boo! So what did I miss?
320
00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,160
Just about to kick this lot out and then finish off the lyrics,
321
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,280
record the guitar, go home and...
322
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,560
Where are my lyrics?
323
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,520
Don't look at me. Mossad, remember.
324
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,560
I may have written Jerry's lunch order on the back of them.
325
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,160
And where are they now?
326
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,480
- In a bin, on the high street.
- Hugo!
327
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,200
Shh.
328
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,760
Oh, is it a bad time to tell you I had a major brainwave?
329
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,560
I think this tune could do with some rhythm guitar to really
330
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:24,840
- fatten up the strings.
- I don't want fat strings!
331
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:27,240
I'm looking for that lo-fi singer-song-writery vibe.
332
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:28,600
HE COUGHS Coffee shop.
333
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:29,920
Yeah, and not even Starbucks.
334
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,600
- Kind of agree, mate.
- Yeah, me too.
335
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:32,680
Nobody asked you!
336
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,440
And I've not got time to record the guitar and write new lyrics.
337
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:36,520
Gwen could do it.
338
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:37,760
HE SCOFFS
339
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,640
Oh... You're being serious. Gwen can't play guitar.
340
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:41,720
We met in a guitar shop.
341
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,600
Yeah. You were there picking up musicians.
342
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,200
But I was also...buying a guitar.
343
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,080
No deal. Girls can't shred.
344
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:51,440
Er... What?! How about Lita Ford, Joan Jett, Courtney Love, Charro?
345
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:52,760
Oh, I love Charro.
346
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,360
Nancy Wilson. Kim Deal.
347
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,360
Kim Deal's a bassist. That is an official girl's instrument.
348
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:01,120
All right, you don't want a girl on your track -
349
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,520
maybe I'll just delete my girlie bass?
350
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,520
- And the key is?
- It's in E.
351
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:10,840
Wouldn't it sound better in C?
352
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:14,360
Well, we've already recorded all the other instruments in E, haven't we, genius?
353
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,000
- Well, C is a more commercial key.
- Yeah, if you're Katy Perry.
354
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,280
Hey, don't diss Katy.
355
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,360
Gwen thinks Blink 182's a punk band.
356
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,200
Oi, shut up, dick face.
357
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,040
Well, thank you all for playing, everyone.
358
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,680
I'll always be eternally grateful, now if you'll all kindly fuck off.
359
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,040
- HE SIGHS
- What? What now?
360
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,240
I think it needs live drums.
361
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,920
But you said it needed a more electronic beat
362
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,800
to make it sound "dope" and "fresh".
363
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:52,000
Yeah, but now it sounds a little too EDM. Needs to be more analogue.
364
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,760
- Oh, God...
- PHONE RINGS
365
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,280
Hello? OK.
366
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,800
Jerry's coming, please, everyone hide, right now, please.
367
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,000
What do you not understand about get me a Toblerone?
368
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,160
Is there spunk between your ears?
369
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,880
- No, Jerry.
- Everyone knows when Jerry's done with lunch,
370
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,760
Jerry eats fuckin' Toblerone!
371
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,280
I don't care whatever fuckwit excuse you come up with.
372
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,960
If it happens again, I'm gonna staple your balls to the wall,
373
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,680
shit down your throat and then stick a Grammy up your arse,
374
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,720
because who cares, I've got so many of them,
375
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,960
and then, I'll fire you.
376
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,360
- What about my word?
- You never go back on your word, Jerry.
377
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,040
Fuck right, I don't. Get it together, Hugo!
378
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:32,640
You insignificant needle-dick prick!
379
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,480
You should have heard him when I forgot his Twiglets.
380
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:52,040
If you want live drums, you can have live drums.
381
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,360
Where are we gonna find a drummer at such short notice?
382
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:55,560
Are you sure you can do this?
383
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,680
I was playing in punk bands before you got your first period.
384
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,600
Any I've heard of?
385
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:05,080
Screaming Vaginas. Face Kick. Piss. Stiletto Testicle Smashers.
386
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,600
Iron Lung. Mandy Boy.
387
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:08,920
That one was new wave.
388
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,720
So, what is this song called?
389
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,400
It's called Last Place Hero.
390
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,760
Ugh, sounds like Bon Jovi.
391
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,560
- Who are Bon Jovi?
- They're the strap-ons of music.
392
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,880
- Still got it.
- All right, you got about 30 minutes to get these vocals nailed.
393
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,640
I hope these great lyrics are ready to go, Uncle Andy?
394
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,880
SAM GIGGLES
395
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,480
Mum, stop giggling or I'm going to throw your phone!
396
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,720
Is that what I've raised? A phone thrower? Wow!
397
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,480
- Give it to me.
- Guys, not now.
398
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,520
No. I'm an adult. It's my business who I text.
399
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,160
You're sleeping with him, aren't you?
400
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,320
What if I am? Just because you came out of my vagina,
401
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,680
it doesn't mean you can control who goes in it!
402
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:52,280
- Shall we go?
- Are you kidding? This is just starting to get good.
403
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,200
You don't even know this guy, he could be a serial killer. Or worse.
404
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,760
- Vegan.
- Will you shut up!
405
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:03,440
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
406
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:07,960
Between Sid and Nancy there, and Hugo with your fat guitars,
407
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:12,520
and Sam with your sexting, seriously! You're almost 40.
408
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,280
Have phone sex with the man like an adult!
409
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,680
I mean, Jesus Christ, Val, I mean, you're all right.
410
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,720
But you - why don't you just let your mum get on with her own
411
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,840
love life instead of interfering all the time?
412
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,680
If she wants to get serial killed, it's up to her.
413
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,920
You dragged me out of my deathbed to come here
414
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,400
and all you've done is screwed with me.
415
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:35,840
All day long! Do you know what you are? You're a...
416
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,120
SOUND SWITCHES OFF
417
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,240
- He's just lost it, hasn't he?
- Hmm.
418
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:47,160
..and try and do anything! You...
419
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,760
HE SWITCHES SOUND OFF AGAIN
420
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,320
Are you finished?
421
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:00,480
36 is not almost 40. And I'm not the one wearing a onesie.
422
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,920
Last Place Hero, vocal, take one.
423
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,840
MUSIC PLAYS
424
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:17,800
- # Last place hero... #
425
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,200
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
426
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,320
Good start.
427
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:23,840
- # Last place... #
- BEEP
428
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,760
# Last place... #
429
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:29,560
Stop looking at me!
430
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,320
I can do it. Just give me a minute.
431
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:35,000
He-e-e...
432
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,320
He-e-e
433
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,000
He-e-e...ro.
434
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,600
He sounds like a chainsaw fucking another chainsaw.
435
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,960
That was just a practice. I'll get it next time.
436
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,720
Who'd have thought one day we'd be hanging out like this, eh?
437
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,920
You don't need to cheer me up, Val.
438
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,200
I need the fresh air.
439
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,680
Plus your sister wouldn't stop bothering me about her texts.
440
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,200
- I've got the flu.
- I've had the jab.
441
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,280
Doesn't taste of anything.
442
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,440
It's better than that Nicotine gum, though.
443
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,040
- That stuff just gave me a temper.
- You? No way.
444
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,720
You know, I was a pretty good musician.
445
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,520
Could have made a decent living out of it.
446
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,400
Then the last band, the manager quit, so I started booking gigs,
447
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:44,120
and then I was managing events in clubs and now, I have my own club.
448
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,920
What's your point?
449
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,440
There's more than one way to be a star, Andy.
450
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,120
Nice jumpsuit, by the way.
451
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,000
GUITAR PLAYS, MUFFLED
452
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,000
# You look behind
453
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,600
# You've constantly been overlapped
454
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,320
# I raise my hat
455
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:18,640
# I'm impressed that you really ran with being crap... #
456
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,640
Sorry. Just messing about.
457
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,440
Oh, shit, not this again.
458
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:32,280
Gwen, will you do me the honour of singing lead vocals on my song?
459
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,440
Only if we use Errol's lyrics.
460
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,040
Well, Roly? What do you say?
461
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,040
OK.
462
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,000
Only on one condition.
463
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,960
- I can't believe I'm doing this.
- Shhh. I need complete silence.
464
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,600
Guys, you know you've only got seven minutes to get this vocal.
465
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,600
- Just saying.
- This reminds me of my NA meetings.
466
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,160
- Oh, which one do you go to?
- Quaker Centre, Notting Hill.
467
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,800
- Oh, I've been there. Good crowd.
- Yeah, they're...
- Guys!
468
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,000
Dear corpse of famed American astronomer, Carl Sagan.
469
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,600
Please bless us with the organic molecules that have been
470
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,400
released from your desiccated remains.
471
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,840
Look over the studio, poor gentle Hugo and Gwen's beautiful vocals
472
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,240
and my amazing lyrics to help this song shine.
473
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,800
Now Andy can get everything that he deserves. Nothing.
474
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,960
- Mossad, bitch!
- Errol! What are you doing?
475
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,640
If you won't let me play on my own track,
476
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,640
I'm going to delete the whole project on three.
477
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,480
- Roly, darling, just calm down.
- One...
478
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,840
- He doesn't know how to delete the project.
- Two...
479
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,280
No! You said you were going to go on three!
480
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:36,400
Well, I went on two.
481
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,000
Oh, hi, is this the right room?
482
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,480
Sorry, we're just wrapping up in here. Thanks.
483
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:46,720
This was supposed to be our fun day and you made it all about you!
484
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:52,120
Not everything wants keyboards, Errol. Not every single song, Errol.
485
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:55,040
- Am I right? I'm right, guys.
- Well, it worked for the Beach Boys.
486
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,960
- And The Cure.
- And Deep Purple.
- New Order.
487
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,920
- Pink Floyd.
- The Doors.
488
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,000
That is so effed-up, man.
489
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,280
All your nephew wanted was to play with his uncle.
490
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,240
Shame on you.
491
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,120
But I'm sick!
492
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,840
You're right, man. You are sick.
493
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:17,680
Shit.
494
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,200
I'm sorry, Errol.
495
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,640
If I could re-record it with you, I would.
496
00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:25,560
But what can I do? We're out of time.
497
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:27,360
Look, you've got five minutes left.
498
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:30,120
Couldn't you just record the whole thing live?
499
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:31,840
Sam, it...
500
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,840
That's a great idea.
501
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,560
Good luck, dickheads!
502
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,880
I'm sorry for trashing the project. I hope this turns out good.
503
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,080
Don't worry about good. Just try and have fun.
504
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,680
Right, this song's in C. On your cue, Val.
505
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:57,640
# We're always told it's all about the taking part
506
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,800
# Well, woop-dee-doo and well done, you
507
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:04,440
# You took that sentiment to heart
508
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:05,960
# You lag behind
509
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:09,200
# You've constantly been overlapped
510
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:10,800
# I raise my hat
511
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:15,280
# I'm impressed that you've really ran with being crap
512
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,720
- # Last place hero
- Here we go again, here we go again
513
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,000
# You're perfect again
514
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,560
# Coming last again
515
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,120
# You can't know again
516
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:24,200
# You're on show again
517
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:25,680
# Feeling low again
518
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:26,840
# Acting real slow again
519
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,200
- # Last place hero
- You offend again, can't pretend again
520
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:31,240
# Still regrets again
521
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:32,640
# Getting your revenge again
522
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:33,880
# You're really slumming it
523
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,360
# You're really slumming it now
524
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:43,280
# But you should know that you're the best at being you
525
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:49,720
# The pity is how shitty is everything you fuckin' do
526
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:54,200
# We're all wrong and you're the only that's right
527
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,800
# You've tried your best
528
00:24:55,800 --> 00:25:00,200
# You failed the test surrounded in your self-made shite
529
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,840
# Can't afford your heating cos your money's always spent
530
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,720
# Scraping every penny cos you're always low on rent
531
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,960
# You're so good at slumming it that you could be the coach
532
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,720
# Had the winning ticket but you've used it for a roach
533
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,240
# Always missing birthdays and you're never there on time
534
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:23,120
# Living like you're 20 even though you're past your prime
535
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:24,680
# Last place, last place
536
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:28,120
# Everyone should just admit you're absolutely smashing it now. #
537
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:35,400
- Oh!
- What?
- It didn't record.
538
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:38,600
Only kidding. Yeah!
539
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,080
- Hugo!
- Jerry's going to kill me.
540
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:42,560
We won't let him, kid.
541
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:45,160
No, you know you don't understand. Jerry's really strong!
542
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,120
He does cross-fit.
543
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,240
Who the fuck are these people?
544
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,520
We're The Bear Maximum.
545
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,840
That's the dumbest name I've ever heard.
546
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,400
Hugo, I'm going to punch your teeth out through your dick,
547
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,320
but first, you're fired.
548
00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,280
No! You can't do that. He's a good kid
549
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,360
And he's good at his job.
550
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:03,480
HE COUGHS
551
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,680
- What's wrong with him?
- He's got the flu.
552
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,840
What's the matter, Jerry? Haven't had the jab?
553
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:13,000
- Jerry doesn't believe in vaccines.
- It'd be a shame to get you sick.
554
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,800
Just stay away from me.
555
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,600
- Then give Hugo his job back!
- No, get away! Fuck off.
556
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:18,960
HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES
557
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,080
You don't know where I've been, Jerry.
558
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:24,720
You don't know what I've been through in there.
559
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:28,440
Just stop! OK, yes! He can have his job back.
560
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,840
- Whatever you say.
- Do you swear it, Jerry? Do you swear it?
561
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,080
Yes! You have my word. Just stop.
562
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,600
That's the grossest thing anyone's ever done for me.
563
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:49,000
Bet you're glad I haven't had the jab now, aren't you?
564
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:00,440
- Where...?
- We brought you home after you passed out.
565
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,840
Well, Val and Casper carried you. I watched.
566
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,000
You feeling better?
567
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,480
I'll get you some more paracetamol.
568
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:11,960
Did you submit the song?
569
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,600
Hugo's still mixing it. I'll do it in a few days.
570
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,040
But the deadline's tomorrow!
571
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,120
No, I just said that to get you out of bed.
572
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:19,760
You know, erm, I've thought about it
573
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:22,480
and I will take your guitar up Mount Everest if you really want.
574
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:23,880
- You'd do that?
- Yeah.
575
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:26,800
I will need 15 years of mountaineering lessons first.
576
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,160
So, erm, don't die before that.
577
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:30,840
KETTLE WHISTLES
578
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:32,640
Oh, the tea!
579
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:35,640
Here you go, prick.
580
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,520
Look, it's probably none of my business, but if you're going to
581
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,640
get serious with this guy, you should probably tell him.
582
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:45,080
PHONE BEEPS
583
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,480
Yeah, you're right.
584
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,080
It's none of your business.
585
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:02,600
'Sam, you naughty girl. You want to get kinky on the phone?
586
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:03,760
'Sam?'
587
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:07,000
Hello? Sam?
588
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,120
'Sam?'
46732
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