All language subtitles for Columbo S04 E03 By Dawns Early Light

If you're hiding something
and you want to tell it to me...

I'm here to listen.

But he was guilty
of negligence...

and his carelessness
cost a man's life.

He is going to be
severely disciplined.

You know, it's going to be a ball
throwing you out of here.

Your coed school
hasn't arrived yet.

You may be charged
with murder.

Anything else
I can do for you?

I'd love a fresh pair of socks.

Where are you staying?

Pershing Hall.

Up and at 'em, trooper.
Let's get with the program.

Everybody up!

Everybody up!
Let's go!

Yes?

Reveille, sir.

Boodle Boy reporting
with morning coffee, sir.

Come in.

Cook hopes the coffee is strong
enough and to your liking, sir.

Mmm-hmm.

Um, Miller, isn't it?

Jonathan B. ?

Yes, sir. It will be my pleasure
to serve the Colonel

as Boodle Boy for the
next duty period, sir.

Some problems with
geometry, Miller?

Yes, sir, but my grades
are better this quarter, sir.

Work on them, Miller.

Geometry is logic.

And logic is
the battlefield of adulthood.

- Yes, sir.
- Dismissed.

Thank you, sir.

Miller!

Sir?

What is today, Miller?

Sunday, sir.
I mean Founder's Day, sir.

A very special day,
wouldn't you say?

Yes, sir.

Then how do you explain
those shoes, Miller?

Those shoes are a disgrace.

Following this
morning's ceremonies...

you will report to
my office for discipline.

Yes, sir.

Dismissed.

Good morning, Colonel.
One moment, please.

Have Captain Loomis report
to my office immediately.

I believe he's in charge
of color detail, sir.

Oh, yes. In that case,
immediately after the ceremonies.

Yes, sir.

The ceremonies commence
at 10:00 am. Thank you.

Naturally, our guest of honor
from Phoenix will be late.

Naturally.

Find it difficult to understand
that only two generations...

separate the founder of this
academy from Mr. William Haynes.

Yes, sir.

Let me know
when he arrives.

Yes, sir.

Colonel in?

He's on the phone,
Mr. Haynes.

Would you care
to wait out here?

No, thank you, love.

Have it ready.

I'll be over to check,
thank you.

Nice to see you again,
William.

Colonel.

Have a good trip?

Let's skip
the amenities, Colonel.

You called again last week.

You asked me
to think it over carefully.

I have.

Beginning with
the fall term...

Haynes Academy becomes
a coed junior college.

I see.

I wonder if you
really do, Rumford.

This academy can
handle 6,000 boys.

This year the enrollment's
barely 1,100.

We've lowered our so-called standards,
and still they stay away.

The truth is...

nobody wants to
play soldier anymore.

The war's over.

It's never over, William.

There are too many people set
on destroying our country.

And that is why
institutions like this academy...

cannot be allowed to die.

You know the incredible thing
about you, Rumford?

You really believe
those cliches.

What do you believe in, William?

That plastic world of advertising
that you fit into so snugly?

It is people like you,
William...

that have made our country
a moral junkyard.

It's no secret, Rumford...

I don't like you.

I didn't like you
when I was here as a cadet.

I can understand
your bitterness, William.

You were a poor cadet.
You lacked character.

In fact, you lacked
every quality...

that made your
grandfather a great man.

You still do.

You know, it's going to be a ball
throwing you out of here.

Your coed school hasn't
arrived yet, William.

What the hell are you
going to do about it?

The board of trustees
doesn't give a damn...

about your opinion
any more than I do.

Just a moment, William.
Til be right back.

What's the matter,
Colonel?

You always have
an answer for everything.

Miss Brady, would you
file this for me, please?

Yes, sir.

You know, William...

you remind me of a story
about Stonewall Jackson...

when he had to dismiss an incompetent
from his staff, and he said:

"Here is a man so
lacking in leadership..."

"that he can accomplish nothing unless
he is led by the hand like a child."

What's your point, Rumford?

You think I can't get
along here without you?

I don't think you'll be able
to find your way to the latrine...

without my help.

You're sick.

You're really sick!

You're so used
to playing God...

you figure nothing's going
to work without you.

You've been an honored guest
at Founder's Day every year...

for the past seven years...

but I think you don't deserve
to be on the premises.

You couldn't find the parade grounds
without my help, William.

Who in the hell
needs you for anything?

And now I suppose...

you'll want to preside
at today's ceremonies?

You're damn right I do.

You're finished anyway,
so it might as well end right now.

Oh, I don't have to take that,
William. Do as you please.

But I would prefer that
Captain Loomis presided.

Not a chance.

Miss Brady...

kindly inform Captain Loomis...

that Mr. Haynes will be presiding
over the ceremonies today.

Looks like the great warrior can
dish it out, but he can't take it.

That was a French
75 millimeter.

Maybe 50 years old.
World War I.

And you say
it's fired every day?

At sundown.

I guess it was just
a matter of time.

What's that, Captain?

An old gun like that.
Something like this was bound to happen.

Tragedy.

Nobody's fault, Colonel.
The old gun just gave out.

It was an accident,
pure and simple.

Hey, Corso.

Excuse me.

Hey, you, mister!

You better hand that over
to the police.

I'm gonna do that, sir.

This is a restricted area.

You better leave.

Officer.

You may wish
to detain this man.

He refuses to leave the area.

This man is
Lieutenant Columbo, sir.

He's in charge of
the investigation.

- Is he?
- Yes, sir.

Lieutenant.

Lieutenant,
this is Colonel Rumford,

commandant of the academy.

How do you do?

How do you do?

- Colonel Rumford, sir.
- Morgan.

The chaplain has asked
me to tell you...

that all the men are assembled
in chapel as ordered, sir.

Very well.

We located the victim's car.
Here's the keys.

- Thank you.
- Through there.

Great.

Can you believe it?

Getting calls all the way
out in Westlake...

wondering about
that noise.

It must have been
pretty loud, huh?

Of course, it was loud.
The gun did blow up.

Well, no more to do
around here.

Damned shame about Haynes.

I remember him,
nice fella.

You fellows
gonna wrap it up?

What's to wrap up?

I do this,
and we're finished.

What's he up to?

Would you
excuse me a minute?

Attention!

Seated!

Mr. William Haynes
is dead, gentlemen.

The last of a proud
line of patriots.

A man who deeply loved
this academy...

and everything
that it stands for.

I shall miss him,
as I know you will.

But we must not allow
this tragic accident...

to divert us
from our purpose.

We must be certain...

that his untimely death...

will spur us all...

to greater determination
and dedication.

The rest of today's
activities are cancelled.

The chaplain will now
lead you in prayer.

Gentleman, please rise.

Let us pray.

Oh, merciful God...

thou who art the Creator...

and Sustainer of the universe...

strengthen us as we stand...

Excuse me,
for interrupting, sir.

Yes, what is it?

I just want to ask one question.

Sir, when you fire a cannon
during a ceremonial occasion...

I know that you don't
use a regular charge.

You use a...

A blank charge.

What is in a blank charge, sir?

Sodium nitrate
and cotton wadding.

Cotton wadding?

in the name of the Father...

and of the Son...

and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

I found this darn
little hair out there.

Hair?

Yeah, I found this...

Actually it's not a hair,
I called it a hair because it's so thin.

Actually, it's a...
Well, I got it right here.

Gentlemen, this
concludes our service.

Actually, it's a thread.

You see that?
That's thread.

I didn't know what this thing
was doing in the cannon, you see.

That's why I kept looking around
out there. You saw me.

- You must've thought I was crazy.
- Excuse me a moment, please.

Chaplain.

Very nice service.
Thank you.

Yes, sir.

What was it?

Well, that's what I was
trying to find out...

and I kept on looking, and,
you know, I found this.

See this little
piece of material, huh?

Since I didn't know what this
was doin' in the cannon either...

so I kept on looking and...

I found...

I got it here somewhere.

You won't believe
where I found this.

This was underneath
the patrol car.

Cop pulled away,
and there it was.

This piece of cloth.

So I get from the hair
to this piece of cloth...

and then I figure, well, maybe
this is part of a ceremonial charge.

But now you tell me you use cotton
wadding, so I don't know what it is.

- Do you know what this is, sir?
- No idea.

Doesn't look like
clothing to me.

Awfully big for
a handkerchief.

Well...

let me ask you something.

Jeez, I hope this
doesn't sound foolish.

Is it possible that a cloth
like this left in the gun...

could have caused
the explosion?

If anything
blocked the barrel,

it would cause
the explosion to back up...

and blow the breech.

Thank you very much.

Well, I'm sure there must be
somebody here at the academy...

that can identify this.

If not, I'll take it into the lab
tomorrow. Thank you very much.

Just a minute.

Let me see that again.

It could be a cleaning rag.

A cleaning rag?
A rag used to clean the cannon?

Yes.

Oh, well, thank goodness.
What a relief.

Appreciate it.

You know, it's like when
you misplace your car keys...

you can't rest
till you find them.

Sir!

Excuse me.

You know, maybe
the old gun is not to blame.

I mean, maybe someone
was cleaning the cannon...

and they just forgot and
left the rag in there.

That's unlikely
to happen here.

Is there someone in particular
in charge of cleaning the cannon?

We have a cadet assigned
to that detail.

I don't recollect his
name at the moment.

But if you care to step
over to my office...

I could check it out for you.

If you don't mind
a little walk.

My wife says
I need the exercise.

This is Lieutenant Columbo,
Miss Brady.

He's investigating
our accident.

I want the staff informed...

that he is to have
their full cooperation.

Yes, sir.

Cadet Miller reporting
as requested, sir.

Better, Miller.

- Much better.
- Thank you, sir.

But in the circumstances,

I'm going to put you
on probation for two weeks.

Thank you, sir.

And I want you
to report each day

with those shoes
shined like glass.

- Yes, sir.
- Dismissed.

Thank you, sir.

Where is Captain Loomis,
Miss Brady?

I notified him, sir, but I suppose,
considering the accident,

it slipped his mind.
- Notify him again, will you?

- This way, Lieutenant.
- Yes, indeed, sir.

Let me check that
duty roster for you.

He thought you were
going to hit him.

What's that?

The boy out there, he thought
you were going to hit him.

My bark is sometimes worse
than my bite, Lieutenant.

He's my Boodle Boy.

A sort of orderly that brings me
coffee each morning after reveille.

I suppose at 6:30 in morning

it's difficult to think
about shined shoes...

but if they don't learn
self-discipline now...

they never will.

Let's see, the week of the...

What was that
that you called him, sir?

- A boodle...
- Boodle Boy.

Seventh gun cleaning detail.

Springer.

Is that a boy that
you're familiar with?

It's Cadet Springer. He's been
suspended twice already.

He has more demerits
than I can count.

Well, what do you think, sir?

You think
he's the type of boy that,

you know, his mind is
somewhere else?

He could forget,
leave a rag in a gun.

If anyone were capable
of such an irresponsibility...

it could be Cadet Springer.

Maybe I'd better go talk to him.

Come in.

Oh, sorry, sir.
I can come back.

let's talk now, Loomis.

Are you aware you have
a serious problem at Pershing Hall?

I'll step outside.

Stay right where you are,
Lieutenant.

Someone over there is fermenting
hard cider at Pershing Hall.

Are you aware of that,
right under your nose?

No, sir.

Possession and use of
alcoholic beverages is a serious infraction.

Yes, sir.

Does the Colonel have any idea
who might be responsible?

If I did, I wouldn't be asking
you to look into it, would I?

- No, sir.
- That's all.

Of course, sir.

I guess boys will be boys.

Boys will be boys, Lieutenant.

But someone's got
to turn them into men.

Yes, sir.

Where would I find
this Cadet Springer?

Pershing Hall, I believe.

Which way is that?

Out the main entrance...

to the south parking lot...

across the courtyard toward
the recreation building...

and then right
toward the chapel.

Turn left just before
you get there.

It's three buildings down
on the left hand side...

over by the main gate.

Thank you very much.

Certainly.

How do you get
to Pershing Hall?

Well, you should be able
to find it on this.

We are here.
Pershing Hall is here.

Everything is marked.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Hey, Sarge, how long
are we gonna hang around?

It's Sunday, you know.

Yeah, what are we waiting for?

What do I know? He just disappears,
I don't know where he is.

Oh, Lieutenant!

Lieutenant!

Is there anything else
you want us to do?

No.

Can we go back to town?

Yes, I have my own car.

Haynes' wife has been notified.

She's flying in this evening
to claim the body.

Very good.

I got Haynes' personal effects.

I'm going to put them in my
car and take them back with me.

Clean shirt,
underwear, socks...

and what looks
like a blueprint.

- Do me a favor, will you? Put this in my car.
- What have you got there?

Tell him what you got there.

Overnight bag, clean shirts,
underwear, socks...

and what looks
like a blueprint.

That's the blueprint?

I think it's a blueprint.

Just a moment.

What is it?
It's not identified.

I don't know how to
read these things.

Well, neither do I.

It says locker room.

Maybe it's a new gym.

Yeah.
Maybe it's a new gym.

Where's the other pages?

That's all there was.

It says page three of three.

And I see some staple
holes here in the corner.

That's all there was.

Would you put this
in the back of my car?

Thank you.

Can we go now?

Certainly.

Cadet Springer?

Yeah?

My name is Columbo.
Lieutenant Columbo.

Oh, that's all right, son.

Listen, I'm sorry
to bother you, son.

I thought maybe
you could help me.

This will only take a second.

You got any idea what this is?

It's a piece of a cleaning rag.

To clean what?

A cannon. A gun.

How do you know?

Well, feel it.
It's got gun oil on it.

Well, you're absolutely right.

Well...

I tell you the reason
I ask that is because...

I found that rag...

on the parade grounds
after the cannon exploded.

So?

I also found out that you were
assigned to the gun-cleaning detail.

Well, I didn't leave any rag
down the barrel of that cannon...

if that's what you're
trying to say.

Well, there's
a simple fact here.

If that rag was in
the barrel of the gun...

it had to get there somehow.

Mmm-hmm. Well, that makes sense,
but I didn't do it.

What's the name of that cannon?

Old Thunder.

Old Thunder.

I'd like to get that name.

The colonel,
he's pretty tough, isn't he?

I guess so.

You two get along okay?

Why do you ask me all this?
Why don't you ask him?

Well, I'll tell you what he said.

He said you get
a lot of demerits.

Well, that's right.

The colonel and I have
a few problems with each other.

What did you do wrong...

that he stuck you on
the gun-cleaning detail?

Well, actually,
cleaning that cannon...

is supposed to be some
kind of an honor duty.

Wait a minute.

That's a reward?

Yeah.

So who assigned you to that?

The colonel.

How often do you clean the gun?

Every night.

Even when it's not fired?

They fire it every
night at sundown.

So you cleaned it last night?

Listen, I didn't leave any rag
in the barrel of that cannon.

I couldn't have.

Is there anything else
that you'd like to tell me?

No.

Lieutenant Columbo, sir?

When you're through, sir...

the commandant has asked me
to extend his invitation...

to join him for supper, sir.

Well, I think I'm through now.

Thank you very much.

Maybe we can talk again
some other time.

I hope you don't mind, sir...

but I'm due on guard inspection.

Just follow this path
till you come to Sheridan Hall.

Take a right, and then a left
in front of the transportation office...

and the mess hall will be
just in back of it.

- Thank you very much.
- Yes, sir.

Excuse me, fellas, can you tell me
where the mess hall is?

The mess hall?

Can you tell me...

the mess hall this way

I'm sorry.

I just want to know,

can you tell me is the mess
hall in this direction?

Excuse me.

Is the mess hall
this way or that way?

I'm looking for the mess hall.

Plebes are not
allowed to talk, sir.

Oh, uh, well, look...

could you just point
with your finger?

- Is it that way?
- It's that way, sir.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me, I'm late.
I got a little lost, sir.

Yes. Allow me to present...

Cadets Lambert and Moore.

Good afternoon, sir.

- Good afternoon.
- Care to join me?

Yes, sir.

- Good afternoon.
- Cadets.

Take his coat.

Thank you.

I...

I gather they found you at
Springer's quarters, right?

Yes, sir.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, sir.

I hope you don't
mind my asking...

why are they being punished?

- Lambert.
- Sir.

- Explain to the Lieutenant.
- Yes sir.

Sir, the cadets eating in this fashion
are not being punished, sir.

They're first-year cadets
called plebes, sir.

The method of ingestion is
often called eating a square meal, sir.

Thank you very much.

Gentlemen, permission
to leave the table.

- Yes sir.
- Thank you, sir.

Pleasure to meet you, sir.

Pleasure to meet you.

Tell me, Lieutenant...

you had your little
talk with Springer?

- Yes, sir.
- Satisfactory?

No, sir.

Oh, why was that?

Is the enrollment down here
at the academy, sir?

Beg your pardon?

I say, is the enrollment
down here?

A little, lately.

I only ask because I see
so many empty tables.

There are not so many people
who want to be soldiers these days.

Would you pass
the bread, please?

Why was your talk
unsatisfactory?

There were a couple of things
that bothered me, sir.

Let me ask you, sir.

was a delinquent cadet.

Why was he assigned
to an honor detail?

have a policy here,
see, Lieutenant.

With rebellious cadets...

we try punishment,
and we try discipline.

And as you know,
Lieutenant...

the best men are not
always the most docile.

In the case of a cadet who's
got character and promise...

I find that an honor detail
sometimes works wonders.

But it was you that
made the assignment?

Oh, yes.

Don't take this wrong...

my next question.

I have to ask you to...

When I inquired this morning...

why didn't you remember that
you had made the assignment?

Oh, yes, I can help you there,
Lieutenant.

You see, I remembered
that I made the assignment...

but I didn't remember
that he was still on it.

You wouldn't have any way
of knowing this, Lieutenant...

but these details,
they last about three weeks...

and he could have
been replaced.

Oh.

Oh, fine.

Well, thank you very much, sir.
That does explain it.

My pleasure.

You have to forgive me.

It's not me, it's my mind.

It's very slow, and I have
to pin everything down.

I can understand that.

Would you pass the butter, sir?

I pass the butter..

will you promise
to explain to me...

why the conversation
was unsatisfactory?

Actually, sir,
I'm putting on weight...

and I'm trying to
cut down on my butter.

Don't take that
the way it sounds.

I'm going to tell you why
the conversation was unsatisfactory.

It happens to be true.

home, we don't have butter.

My wife, she uses margarine,
but I gave that up.

I don't want to press
you by the way.

If you don't want to tell
I understand.

Oh, no, sir.

No, I need your help.

I know you do.

I mean, you're not
an outsider here, sir...

and this is of vital
interest to you...

and you have a right to know.

Certainly.

I don't think the boy
is telling the truth.

You mean, he denied
leaving the rag in the gun?

- Yes, sir.
- He denied it categorically?

Denied it totally.

Well, in that case, why do you
choose not to believe him?

I do believe him.

Do you?

About that.

I see.

I'm not being clear,
I know that.

The problem is,
it's yes or no.

I mean, about believing him.

In other words...

Let's see if I can
get this straight.

He's holding something back.

He's not telling
the whole truth.

You see,
that's on the one hand.

That's why the conversation
was unsatisfactory.

However,
on the other hand...

about when he denies
leaving the rag in the gun...

that I believe.

Oh, Lieutenant...

now I've got a problem.

I'm beginning to think
like you, you know.

Springer was on
the gun-cleaning detail, correct?

Yes, sir.

Springer was the last
one to clean the gun.

And Springer has
a history of carelessness.

Now in view of these facts,
Lieutenant...

can you explain to me
why you believe him?

Because he identified
the rag so fast.

In other words, I asked
him what this rag was...

and immediately
he just touched it,

and he said it was a cleaning rag.

No hesitation.
That's so...

Attention!

Beware of an excess
of compassion, Lieutenant.

I have no desire to destroy this
young man any more than you do.

But he was guilty
of negligence...

and his carelessness
cost a man's life.

And irrespective of whatever
action you choose to take...

he is going to be
severely disciplined...

right here,
at Haynes Military Academy.

Captain Loomis.

Sir.

What's the progress
on this cider incident?

I'm still looking into it, sir.

A word to the wise, Loomis.

Beware of a misplaced
sense of justice.

The culprits in this case,
they do not know what justice is.

You're allowing them
to walk all over you!

Now get it moving!

Excuse me, Lieutenant,
I've had a hard day.

I'll think I'll retire
to my quarters.

Yes, sir.

You won't take any of that
personally, will you?

A difference of
opinion between men.

It sometimes happens.

Yes, sir, I'm glad you said that.
Thank you very much.

Oh, there is one other thing.

Well, would you care
to walk with me?

Perhaps we could
discuss it on the way...

if you've finished your meal.

Oh, absolutely, sir.

I always have a light supper.

Johnson is to report...

first thing to my office
in the morning.

This morning when I first
got here, I was speaking to...

What's his name?

Gee, if I don't write
everything down, I forget it.

One of your officers,
he speaks very slow.

Oh, Captain Bartlett.

That's sounds right, sir.
I think it was Bartlett.

Good man.

Do you have a Barrett?

What's the difference?

The fact is,
he was telling me that...

you personally fire the gun...

on these special occasions.

Three times.

Opening Day, commencement ceremonies,
and, of course, Founder's Day.

And what about
in the evening, sir?

What do you call it?
Retreat?

We have a junior officer
assigned to that...

and he works
on a day-to-day basis.

I see.

So you only fire the cannon
three times a year?

That's correct.

This is a very delicate
subject, sir.

That's why I hesitate
to bring it up.

I don't want you to overreact.

Then get on with

I know that you believe
that Cadet Springer...

while he was cleaning the gun,
carelessly left the rag in there.

But if you could suppose
for just a moment...

that somebody else
put the rag in the gun.

Do you know, sir...

what the implications
of that are?

The implications are that
somebody was trying to kill you.

I don't know what the hell
you're talking about now.

If someone is cleaning a cannon
and they leave a rag in it...

then it's an accident.

But if it was not Springer...

and someone was not
cleaning that cannon...

and they put a rag in it...

then it was deliberate.

That's true.

And if it was deliberate...

and it was planned
for Founder's Day...

one of only three days of the year
that you fire the cannon...

then, sir...

I don't like to say this...

but obviously
you were the target.

That's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous to speculate.

I shouldn't have brought it up.
I knew it would upset you.

I think you're working
too hard, Lieutenant.

Everything is not
a murder, you know.

In your business,
accidents do happen, you know that.

People get hit by cars.

A boy could leave
a rag in a gun.

You're probably right, sir.

Too long in homicide.
Always think the worst.

Now I can imagine that.

Oh, sir, would you
do me a favor?

Yes, certainly.

My wife, she's up in Fresno.

She's visiting
my mother-in-law.

If it wouldn't be
too much trouble...

don't want to put
anybody out...

do you think I could
spend the night here?

No trouble at all.

I'll have them prepare
one of the guest cottages for you.

I'd prefer the barracks,
if it'd be all right?

You know, be with
the kids, life, you know.

Yes, it could be
educational for you.

Why don't you stay
at Pershing Hall?

Could have another little chat
with Mr. Springer.

Wonderful.

I'll get someone
to escort you.

That won't be necessary, sir.
I know where it is.

Besides, I have to pick up
something in my car.

I'll tell Captain Loomis
to expect you.

Still investigating,
Lieutenant?

Oh, nothing important.
Just a couple of little things.

Well, when you get finished,
how about giving me a hand?

Case of the sinister cider.

You know, I wanted to ask you
about that. I don't understand.

When I was a kid at camp,
we always had cider.

This is the hard stuff.

Some of these kids,
they bottle it up...

and they let it ferment
in the night air.

When I was a kid,
it was panty raids.

- Oh, Morgan.
- Sir.

Would you check Room 2245
for Lieutenant Columbo?

See that he's made
comfortable.

Yes, sir.

Do you have a match?

I don't smoke.

I don't see Springer.

The colonel has placed him
on punishment detail.

Because of the cleaning rag.

You know...

Cadet Springer denies
leaving the rag in the gun.

Springer was responsible
for the gun.

That's sufficient,
Lieutenant.

I'll leave you
in Morgan's hands.

If you need me,
I'm quartered upstairs.

Lieutenant.

I hope this will be
satisfactory, sir.

If not, we have
plenty of others.

Do you have a match?

No, sir. I don't smoke.

There's a fresh toilet kit
in this chest, sir.

Towels are in the closet.

If there's anything else,
please feel free to call.

I didn't expect
a room like this.

Problem, sir?

No, these rooms are
not what I expected.

- What is it? Morgan?
- Yes, sir.

You know, I was in
the army myself, Morgan.

We used to have one big room.

Upper bunks and lower bunks.

Fifty guys, and
half of them were snoring...

and the other half,
they were writing letters.

So there was no privacy.

Now, this is...

Well, granted
it's not a dance hall...

but it's private.

I mean, if I had this
when I was in the army...

I could've enjoyed it more.

I'm not sure "enjoy" is exactly
the word you had in mind, Lieutenant.

Listen, if you need
anything, let me know.

I wanted to ask you, Morgan...

about your new gym.

New gym, sir?

Yeah, I understand you're
building a new gym here.

That's the first
I've heard of it.

The gym we've got is
pretty new anyway.

It's only about
seven years old.

No kidding?

No, sir.

Well, I guess I'm mistaken.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Yes?

Officer Corso?

Yes?

This is Lieutenant Columbo.

Who?

Lieutenant Columbo.

We met today at the Military
Academy. Do you remember?

Lieutenant,
it's 3:00 in the morning.

Yes, I hate to disturb you
at this hour...

but you said something today
that has been bothering me.

You know, I couldn't
sleep because of it...

and I finally went off.

And now it just woke me up.

What are you
talking about?

Those people out in____

Where did you say that was?
Westlake?

They reported
hearing the noise.

Isn't that what you said?

Yes.

But, you know, they fire
that cannon every day.

How come they never heard
the noise before?

It was a very loud explosion.

I know, that's what's
been bothering me.

Why is it so loud?

Lieutenant, the gun
never blew up before.

I see.

Well, I'm sorry I woke you.

I'm sorry, too.

Listen, go back to bed
and get a good night's rest...

and thank you very much
for your help.

Sure.

On your feet!
Let's go!

Formation in 30 minutes!

Let's go! Everybody up!
Come on!

Let's go!

Let's go.

Up!

Up and at 'em, trooper.
Let's get with the program.

Everybody up.

Let's go, let's have it.
Formation in 30 minutes.

Let's go.

Morning, sir.

Sleep well?

I slept good.

It wasn't the sleeping,
it was the waking up.

The kid scared
the life out of me.

Do you have
an extra pair of socks?

Socks, sir?

Yeah, clean socks?

No, sir.

I usually do my laundry
on Monday night, so...

I wouldn't be able to have
a fresh pair for you until tomorrow.

But meanwhile,
I'll check into it for you, sir.

Yeah, I think I saw something
like that on Cadet Springer.

That thing hanging
around your neck.

What is that, like a good luck charm
you fellows wear?

No, sir, that's a pledge ring.

Some of us have girlfriends
over at Valley Stream.

Valley Stream is a girls school,
and that's a girl's ring.

Yes, sir.

You know,
come to think of it...

we had something like
that in high school.

I gave a girl named Teresa
an identification bracelet.

I got it for my birthday.

Yes, sir.

You know, I ran into her.

Oh, it must've been about
eight years ago at a wedding.

So she told me,
she said she's still got it.

Well, I was pleased.

I'll let you know about
the socks, Lieutenant.

Platoon, halt!

rry on, mister.

Carry on.

Yes, sir.

Good morning, sir.

I wanted to get over
to see you in your office.

I saw you standing
over here, so____

I just thought I'd have to
tell you as soon as possible.

Tell me what?

I suppose you saw the fellow
I was talking to over there.

What fellow?

Sgt. Kennedy, ballistics, sir.

I had this problem with
the noise of the explosion.

- Too loud.
- Noise?

Well, you know, they heard
it way out in Westlake.

It's eight miles.

They've never heard
the cannon go off before and,

of course, that bothered me.

It woke me up.
It was 3:00 in the morning.

Well, that's a long story.
I don't wanna get into that.

The fact is that I called this fellow
Kennedy and I asked him...

to check out something for me.

Regarding the accident?

Well, let me tell
you what he found.

I have it right here.

He took little pieces
of metal...

from the breech of the gun
and he had them analyzed.

Taken into the lab.

It's not good news.

In what respect?

Minute traces of a...

"g", "e", gelignite.

- Is that the right word?
- Gelignite.

Gelignite.

A gelignite called C4.

May I see that?

That's a very powerful
explosive, Lieutenant.

We don't use it here.

But that's the point, Colonel.

You see,
you don't use it here.

Somebody had to
alter the shell.

You understand?

That with that much noise...

and that kind of force...

that somebody took the powder
out of the blank charge.

That____

- Sodium.
- Nitrate. Sodium nitrate.

Yes, sir. They had to take that out
and put this other stuff in.

That's not an accident,
Colonel.

Now we are talking about murder.
Pure and simple.

You really think so?

certain of it, Colonel.

Then it's a very
serious business.

such a thing were proven..

it would be a black mark on
the history of this academy.

You better get this
investigation moving along.

Clear it up, man.

That's easy to say.
It's hard to do.

You see, the problem is, Colonel,
I don't have any leads.

I got that boy Springer...

and I do intend to
go back to him.

I want to check his file.

However, you do know
how I feel about him.

I'll talk to Miss Brady...

and make sure that all files
are made available to you.

As you see, it's a busy day.

Anything else I can do for you?

I'd love a fresh pair of socks.

Where are you staying?

Pershing Hall.

They'll be right over.

Size 10 and a half, 11.

On your feet.

How long have you been on this?

Yesterday and today, sir.

Oh, yes, I remember.

I had to do it in my time.

You've talked with
Lieutenant Columbo?

Yes, sir.

What's your opinion of him?

I have no opinion, sir.

He's not satisfied
with your explanation.

The situation is
a little more...

complicated than
we had expected.

In fact, there is a
distinct possibility...

that you may be
charged with murder.

Now, hear this.

We have had our differences
from time to time...

but I still think
you'll make a good soldier.

So I can assure you...

that you can rely on
me and the academy...

to stand behind you.

Understood?

Carry on.

Everything is in strict order,
Lieutenant.

I'd appreciate
your keeping it that way.

Oh, absolutely, ma'am.

I realize how people
feel about...

keeping their records
neat and clean.

I can assure you
I won't disturb anything.

Incidentally,
this is in terrific condition.

Thank you.

That was a terrible thing that
happened here yesterday, wasn't

I guess you must have known
William Haynes pretty well.

No, I rarely saw Mr. Haynes.

Wasn't he the chairman
of the board?

Mr. Haynes' contacts
with the academy...

were infrequent and
generally negative.

And I had as little to
do with him as possible.

I see.

Holy cow, look at this.

Yes, what is it,
Lieutenant?

I see where Cadet Springer
was caught sneaking off...

the academy grounds six times.

Well, that was last year.

He was seeing a girl.

What does that have to do
with anything, Lieutenant?

I do have work to get through.

Sorry, ma'am.

Everything is back in order.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Can I ask you something?

Was my cigar bothering you?

Just a little.

I shoulcTve known.

Can I ask you another question?

It's only going to take a minute.

The dispute between the colonel
and Mr. Haynes yesterday...

it's my understanding it had to
do with declining enrollment.

Is that what you understand?

I don't know
what the argument was about.

I do know that Mr. Haynes
was rude and arrogant.

Well, then you did
hear the argument?

Just a little.

The colonel brought me
out something to file...

and left the door ajar.

But I can assure you...

that Mr. Haynes did
all the provoking.

Can you remember
anything specific that was said?

Yes.

Yes, one thing I'll never forget.

The colonel suggested
to Mr. Haynes

that Captain Loomis
preside at the ceremonies.

Now, if Mr. Haynes had listened,
he'd be alive today.

So, in a sense, it was
William Haynes' temper that killed him.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Excuse me, sir,
can I help you?

This is the gym?

Yes, sir.

I mean, this is the only gym?

Yes, sir.
Excuse me, sir.

Which way is north?

That way, sir.

Trying to figure something out.

That's north, right?

Yes, sir.

So if that's north,
then that's east...

then there should be
a door there.

Right there.

But there is nothing
there but a wall.

Yes, sir.
That's a wall, sir.

I'm right,
there's no door there.

That's no door, sir.

But this is crazy.

I was inside.

The locker room is here...

and the pool is here.

But where's this door?

And where's the other gym?

Sir, there's no other gym, sir.

Thank you very much.

Yes, sir.

Company, ten-hut.

Fall out.

Lieutenant.

We've got a problem.

Roy Springer.
He's gone.

What do you mean, gone?

Well, we've searched the campus,
and he's not here.

The colonel thought you
ought to know in case...

wanted to issue
All Points Bulletin.

I certainly do.
ril do that immediately.

Thank you.

When was he seen
last and where?

About an hour ago,
in MacArthur Hall.

Miss, excuse me.

- Yes?
- I'm looking for a girl.

I'm sorry. I'm not supposed
to talk to strangers.

No, ma'am,
I'm not a stranger.

I'm a police officer, and
I'm looking for Susan Gerard.

I've read her file.
She went to school here...

last year or this year,
I'm not sure.

Susie?
Sure, Susie goes here.

Could you tell me
where I could find her?

Sure. She's on that bus
that's just pulling out.

Miss, can you tell me
what she looks like?

- Say, are you sure you're a police officer?
- Absolutely.

Sure doesn't look
like a police car.

If you could just
give me a rough idea.

Is she tall? Is she short?
Is she blonde? Brunette?

Well, she's kind of average,
I guess.

Blonde.
She's wearing a red sweater.

Thank you.

Hey, are you sure
that badge is real?

I hope you like cheese.
It's all they had in the machine.

It's terrific.
It's great.

Listen, I managed to scrape you
about $20, if you need it.

Well, I don't need it.

I think I'm just going to
try and bum a ride up north.

I guess. Maybe I'll stay with
those guys in San Francisco.

Roy, don't you think
you ought to stay?

- No.
- I mean, I know you didn't do it, but____

Somebody's trying
to set me up.

Who's trying to set you up?

How do you know
he didn't do it?

Colonel Rumford.

Lieutenant Columbo is
waiting in your office...

with Cadet Springer.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Lieutenant.
Mr. Springer.

Sir!

Colonel,
Cadet Springer____

I'm gonna talk for you
for a moment, Roy.

Cadet Springer has decided
to return to the academy.

I'm delighted that
he is safely home.

Do you have any charges against him,
or can I discipline him now?

I have no charges.

I'm happy to hear that.

However, there are certain facts
that we feel you should know.

I will welcome any information that
would clear up the situation here...

and we can get this place
back to our normal routine.

In that regard, sir...

the boy has been no help
as far as who did it.

I mean, he has said nothing
that points to anybody else.

You are satisfied
that he didn't do it.

- I'm sure you will be, too.
- Mmm-hmm.

Roy.

Do you have something
to say to the Colonel?

Sir, it's impossible for me
to have left that rag...

in the barrel of the cannon, sir.

Tell him why, Roy.

Because I didn't clean the cannon
the night before the ceremony, sir.

Why not?

I was off campus, sir.

Where?

I would rather not say, sir.

I'm sure you wouldn't.

The fact is he was off campus.

He was?

Yes, sir, he was.

And there's a second party
that will verify his story.

So he has a good alibi?

It's not an alibi, sir.
That's a fact.

Very well.

Mr. Springer...

pending investigation of
this serious infraction...

of the rules of the academy...

you are going to be confined to
quarters until further notice.

- Dismissed.
- Yes, sir.

What do you think of him?

I was thinking of you.

I know you don't like flattery...

but if you can stand it
for just a moment...

I think it's a wonderful thing
you did with that boy.

I'm flattered.

I know it didn't
turn out that way...

but you told him to stand his ground,
and you'd back him up.

told you that

Yes, sir.

What would you like to do next?

I keep thinking about this file.

What it says.

"This is a very
obstinate young man...

"strong-willed and opinionated.

"It's as if he goes out of his way
to take a contrary position.

"Tell him that snow is white,
and he'll say that it's black.

"In this sense, his reactions
are very predictable."

Springer.

Springer?

No, sir.
This is not Springer's file.

No, this is one of your old files.

This is William Haynes' file.

That's interesting.

What's interesting, sir?

That at age

their characteristics should
have been so similar.

But Mr. William Haynes grew up
to be a man without convictions.

I have higher hopes
for Mr. Springer.

When I think of
Haynes and Springer...

and I think about this file...

the fact that their reactions
are predictable...

I find something else
interesting.

See, I'm a cop.
I got a different problem.

I got to catch somebody.

Who has keys
to the arms room?

The arms room?

Yes, sir. The criminal had to
get into the arms room...

to change the charge
in the casing.

In order to do that,
he needed access to keys.

How many sets are there?

Three.

Springer has a set,
the officer of the day...

and I have a set that will open
every lock on the campus.

Well, we know Springer wasn't
on campus at the time.

So maybe somebody
took Springer's keys...

or they took the keys
of the officer of the day.

Or maybe they took your keys.

Impossible.

I think that the night before
we had a staff meeting that went to...

2200 hours and then
I retired to my quarters...

where I slept soundly...

until I was awaken
by my Boodle Boy at 6:30.

Left staff meeting
at 2200 hours.

What time is that?

10:00 pm your time.

10:00 pm.

Went to your quarters,
slept soundly until Boodle Boy...

woke you.

6:30.

During that time, could anybody
have gotten your keys?

I always lock up
before I turn in.

So that means it either
had to be Springer's set...

or the set of the
officer of the day.

Maybe we're looking too hard
at the cadets.

Maybe we ought to be looking at
an expert in guns.

You know, explosives.

Well, this is a military academy,
Lieutenant.

And as you know,
the military do, from time to time...

deal with guns and explosives.

We have a number of experts
right here on campus.

Would you put yourself
in that category?

Very definitely.

Question is who would have
a strong enough reason to kill you.

You know somebody
who has a grudge against you?

Possibly. I don't pretend
to be beloved.

Can you think of
a specific person?

Not off-hand.

Now, think back, sir.

Go way back during the war.

Disgruntled soldier
under your command?

A rival?

Jealously over a woman?

No.

Some mentally deranged person?

Nobody.

Nobody in the past,
nobody in the present.

That adds up to nobody.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe nobody's
trying to kill you.

You know,
I've been wrong before.

You know, you can get
too complicated.

Bill Haynes was blown up.
Let's keep it simple.

Somebody was trying
to blow up Bill Haynes.

What are we beating
our brains in for?

At least that way
you can sleep easier.

Would you like to try one
of quality, for a change?

Well, thank you very much.

Will you join me?

I didn't know you use them.

One a day.

Well, they feel very good.

And they smell very good, too.

Maybe you can use this.

Do you have a first name?

I do.

My wife is about the only one
that uses it.

We have similar jobs in a way.

I wear a uniform,
you wear a____

I suppose you could
call that a uniform.

I used to tell my cadets,
you know, all the time...

sometimes it's harder to be...

a slob than to be neat
and tidy and clean.

s the wars, you see,
wars of nations.

When that stops,
hang up the uniform.

I'll hang up my uniform.

I'll go and
take care of my backyard.

I got some roses.

White roses.

And I suppose that
when people stop abusing each other...

you'll hang up your uniform.

This is a first rate cigar.

have a light?

You didn't really try it yet.

What you were saying...

I talk about that kind of thing
with my wife.

She reads a lot.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Mr. Tate for you on line 23, sir.

And Captain Looms
is waiting to see you.

All right. I'll take the call on 23
and have Captain Loomis wait.

There's something I want you to see.
I'm going to get it.

I'll be right back.

Wednesday afternoon. 4:30.

Yes, that will be fine, Mr. Tate.

Let's meet outside the chapel.

Colonel Rumford?

I didn't realize you were alone.

Excuse me for intruding.

I was at your office,
Miss Brady...

she said you were
on an inspection.

I am.

Oh, I thought this was
a vacant dormitory.

It is.

I see.

But it will change.

Maybe not this year.

Maybe not next.

But it's going
to change, mister.

You can put your money on it.

more reluctant mama's boys.

No more 4F/s,
no more Section Eights.

This country is going to have
the best damn army in the world.

And Haynes Military Academy
will be a part of it.

In that regard...

I wanted to ask you
about this blueprint.

Blueprint?

I found it in Mr. Haynes' car.

I'd like for you to
take a look at it.

I got to tell you, sir...

that I was really
confused by this.

I mean, I thought you were
building a new gym and____

Of course I couldn't figure out
why you were building a new gym...

if the enrollment was down and
the one you got is only seven years old.

Of course, then it hit me.

This is the same gym only
with some renovations.

I didn't authorize any changes.

But Mr. Haynes did.

Or at least he was
thinking about it.

But here's the thing.

This locker room,
right here.

Do you see that?

I see it.

I've located the showers
and the sink...

and the stalls.

I mean, I don't want to be
indelicate, sir.

But if this is a boys locker room,
there's something missing.

You get my point?

No urinals.

That's it, sir.

And when I saw this,
it occurred to me that...

gee, maybe Mr. Haynes
had the idea...

of permitting girls
to come to this school.

William Haynes had some
very strange ideas, Lieutenant.

That was one of them.

He used to...

run it up the flag pole from
time to time, as they say.

Some crackpot scheme
for turning this into

a coed junior college.

But it never got
further than talk.

Just talk.

Well, you're probably
right, sir...

but still in all with the board of
trustees meeting coming up this week...

I think Miss Brady just
mentioned something like that.

I can assure you that
if Mr. Haynes had brought up...

the subject of a coed school...

it would have been
turned down flat.

You're certain about it?

Absolutely.

I'm in close touch with
every single member of the board...

and I have their
complete confidence.

In that case, sir...

I guess it wouldn't be
necessary for me...

to personally check that out
with each member of the board?

You'll do what you have to do.

Fall out of there!
Inspection.

Move out, inspection,
come on!

Everybody, let's go.
Inspection!

What's happening?

Snap inspection.

All right, gentlemen,
attention!

Come on, move it!

It's 3:00 in the morning.

All assembled, sir.

Gentlemen, I realize...

that it's early in the day...

and this may take some hours.

Hours?

someone in this dormitory..

is fermenting cider.

And no matter
how long it takes...

I intend to find the cider...

and punish the culprits.

Understood?

Sir, yes, sir!

Understood?

Yes, sir!

Nothing, sir.

Nothing, sir.

Nothing, sir.

We're not lucking out
on this, are we?

Nothing, sir.

This is the last room, sir.

It's almost 0400 hours.

The latrine.

Sir?

Search the latrine.

Yes, sir.

- Nothing, sir.
- Captain.

Sir?

Check.

Sir?

Check the vent.

- Check the vent!
- Yes, sir.

Anything?

Anything?

- Nothing, sir.
- Nothing?

Nothing.

They won't get away
with this, Loomis.

Everyone here...

is on report!

Carry on.

Yes, sir.

Dismissed!

Dismissed!

Hey, clown, what are you doing?
I thought he found it.

I don't understand it either.
He was looking right at it.

Maybe it's not there.

Of course, it's there, dummy.
I put it there myself.

Maybe somebody else took it.

You going to turn us in,
Lieutenant?

No.

But I do want you
to do me a favor.

I want to know all there is
to know about this cider.

Who, where, and when.

Yes.

Captain Loomis, sir.

Forgive the hour,
but it's urgent.

Meet me in
the flag pole area...

at the parade ground
immediately.

It's about the cider, sir.

Cider?

Yes, sir. It's about the cider.

I think I've got it.

All right.

Is that it, sir?

That's it.

Whoever's in that room,
have them fall out and form here.

- Go to it.
- Yes, sir.

On the double!

Yes, sir!

Have the whole
second floor fall out!

- Yes, sir!
- Do you hear me, Captain?

Yes, sir!

The whole second floor!

- Yes, sir!
- Do you hear me?

Hey, mister!

Don't touch that!

Don't move till
Captain Loomis arrives!

Anyone else
in there with you?

No, sir!

You better be right!

What is it, Colonel?
What's happened?

cider, Lieutenant.

The elusive cider has
finally materialized.

I knew it would.

Where'd you find it?

There! Up there!

Where are you pointing, sir?

Where are you pointing?

Second floor,
fourth window along.

Holy cow, you're right.
There it is.

I gotta say this for you, sir,
you never gave up on it, did you?

You got a pretty good
pair of eyes.

It's my job to be observant.

So that's how you knew about it.
You saw it before?

- Yes, of course.
- When was that, sir?

Gentleman, I'm waiting!

I said when was it that
you first spotted the cider, sir?

During last week.

Wednesday or Thursday?

I suppose so.

I'm surprised that
you didn't start your investigation...

the moment you saw it.

That seems to be
the way you do things.

Right away.
No delays.

Gentlemen!

You're slow!
You're very slow!

Was it during
the day or night, sir?

Hmm, what?

I said can you remember
if it was during the day or the night?

Day, of course.

All right, Captain.
Who was it?

Morgan, sir.

Morgan, step forward.

All cadets remain where you are.

Lieutenant.

What the hell is going on here?

That was a lie, Colonel.
It couldn't have been during the day.

Whoever was involved
in the manufacture of liquor...

please raise your hands
and say, "Me, sir."

Me, sir.

Was the liquor ever hung out
during the day?

No, sir.

Captain Loomis.

Ten hut!

Colonel.

It couldn't have been
during the day.

Then it must have been night.

Logic, Lieutenant. Logic.

Wednesday night?
Thursday night?

During the week.

sir, it was Saturday night.

The night before the explosion
that Mr. Haynes was killed.

I wasn't out Saturday night.

Was the cider ever hung out
Wednesday or Thursday evenings?

No, sir.

Friday nights?

No, sir!

When was the first time
that the cider was hung out?

Saturday night, sir!

Then I'm mistaken.

It must have been
Saturday night.

Could you be more specific?

Was it closer to 10:00
or 2:00, or was it later?

Maybe daybreak.

Early Sunday
morning like 6:30.

It was impossible
to be daybreak...

because as you know,
Lieutenant...

I was in my quarters asleep...

until 6:30 when my Boodle Boy
awakened me.

So either you saw it
after 6:30 when you got up...

or you saw it earlier
before you went to bed.

One or the other.
Obviously.

Who's responsible for bringing
in the cider early Sunday morning?

Right here, sir.

What time was that?

6:25, sir.

How do you know it was 6:25?

I had to bring it in
before reveille...

otherwise everybody
would see it, sir.

So you couldn't have seen it
after you got up...

because it was no longer there.

And you didn't see it earlier
because it was too dark.

I'll tell you when you saw it.

Between 6:15 and 6:25.

During those 10 minutes.

Not a minute earlier,
nor a minute later.

Before 6:15, it was too dark.

Daybreak came at 6:15.

And the cider jar
became visible.

And it was visible until 6:25...

when it was pulled
in the window.

And not only did you see it
at that specific time, Colonel...

but you had to be standing
in one specific place.

That's right, sir.

You see, you can't see the window
from here. The trees cover it.

That's the only place
that you can see the window.

You have to be standing
directly in back of the cannon.

Should I go on?

Done a very nice job.

You know, I very much wanted to
identify that rag immediately.

But I couldn't get it out.

But don't you expect me
to be contrite, Lieutenant.

It had to be done.

And I'd do it again tomorrow.

Have you finished
with my cadets?

Yes, sir.

Give me a moment.

Gentlemen, I hear reveille.

That means that you have
precisely 24 minutes...

in which to report to the mess hall
for breakfast, correctly attired.

Shoes shined,
buttons polished.

Any questions?

No, sir!

Immediately
following breakfast...

those responsible for bringing
cider on this campus...

will report to Captain Loomis
for disciplinary action.

Captain, dismissed.

Fall out!

Now, let's go.
Come on.