All language subtitles for Brockmire.S03E08.Opening.Day.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

- Things are getting worse
in America, friends.

Even in my old home
of baseball,

the infidels are
invading the holy land, y'all.

Jim Brockmire,
paid by George Soros

in the deep-state
conspiracy to frame me,

he's out there calling games.

And who is he doing it with?

I'll tell you.

A black homosexual woman

who's never even played
real baseball.

Meanwhile, my statue in Atlanta

gets taken down in the middle
of the night.

It's enough to make you
want to despair for the future.

But, all right,
it's opening day,

the time where hope
springs eternal.

I get it.

But if y'all are as unhappy
as I am,

then I urge you to show
up to games today

and let the powers that be
know we won't back down.

We will keep baseball pure.

And after that, America.
By any means necessary.

Friends.
- Come on.

[honks horn]

Your need for attention
is not my problem, Randy.

Okay?
Let's go.

- You're not supposed
to honk your horn, Mom.

You've been warned.

- I am not allowing
my day to get hijacked,

and this is my only
form of protest.

[honks horn]
Can we move it along?

[sighs]
What are you watching?

- Art Newlie.
- What?

- He's taking down
the hypocrisy

of the mainstream media.

- Define hypocrisy.

- Exactly.
- What?

I don't want you watching--

Kyle,
what's on your face?

Are you eating my donuts?

[groaning]

Those were for A.A., Kyle!

Damn. Okay.

Listen to Mommy.

Mommy gets them addicted
to sugar and caffeine

instead of drugs and alcohol.

Right?
That's how I help them.

So I need the donuts,
otherwise they don't come.

And if they don't come,

then they wrap their cars
around telephone poles.

You understand what I mean?

You see--Shit.
Shit, shit!

Get a bag, baby.
Get a bag. Baby, get a--

No!
[boy retches]

[both groaning]

All right, yep.

Mommy's purse is a bag.

Very good listening, honey.

I'm real proud of you.

[honks horn]
Move your ass!

Oh, my god.

- My afternoon's free

if you want to try
for round three.

- I think you mean round two,
don't you?

- You don't remember that time
in the middle of the night?

- No--oh, no.
I'm a sleep fucker.

- [laughs]
- No.

I do some of my best
dick work

in a dream state.

- Huh.
- [laughs]

- I just thought you
were doing very specific

tugboat role play.

- No, that'd be weird.

- Yeah.
I'll see you after the game.

Good luck in Tampa.

You guys are going to kill it.

Bye, Gabs!

- Bye, Sauce Bitch!

- Well, I have not felt
this good since...

ever.

I'm finally

in a healthy
adult relationship.

It's opening day.

God, it's my favorite day
of the year.

And my nightmare
about ramming a tugboat

into the Panama Canal

finally makes
a whole lot more sense.

I mean, everything is
coming up Brockmire over here.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hold that thought.

Maggie probably forgot
something.

Hey--

Jean.

You come back--
you came back to forgive me?

My goodness.

And on my first day
back in the bigs.

And I thought this day
couldn't get any better!

- Yeah, well, it's about to get
a hell of a lot worse.

I haven't forgiven you.

And I couldn't give
a shit about your comeback.

Gabby reached out
and asked me to come down.

- Tomorrow

I asked you to come,
because I said today was

a very big day for both of us.

- Yeah, but tomorrow's
not good for me.

It's grad night at
Disney World,

and I would rather
not be surrounded by

a bunch of teenagers
fingering each other

on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Bad news is,
I have to go by myself.

Sam couldn't
get the time off work,

and Norm won't go back

because he was traumatized
at the Haunted Mansion

on account of his sensitivity
to the paranormal.

- What the hell
are you talking about?

What is going on?

- All right.

I guess we're doing this now.

Uh, Jim,

there's something
that you need to hear.

And I thought having Jean here
would soften the blow.

- Did Mom die?

Oh, no, are you dying?

Oh, shit.
I'm dying.

- No, dumbass.
Jules is engaged.

- What?

- Yeah, she, uh,
made it Instagram

official yesterday.

- Oh, my god.

How did you see this?

- I follow her.

At first I was just curious

'cause you were always
going on about her,

but now I really like
what she does.

- Right?

She's like the Busy Phillips
of baseball.

- Jules and George Brett
are getting married.

My goodness.

Well,

Jean, I know
you don't forgive me, but

flying all the way here
to help break this news--

that, uh,
that means a lot.

- I'm still mad at you, but

your sobriety
is important to me.

Every time
your shit hits the fan,

you get on a mic,
fling it back out

at the rest of us,
and go on a bender.

I don't want that to happen.

So please,
don't do anything crazy.

- Well, would you looky here?

It's the weird spot
where we first kissed;

where it all began
for both of us.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

Get your hand
out of your pocket.

Put your hands
where I can see 'em!

- Maggie,
I realize it's not fair

to ask you to move to Oakland

without some kind of
a commitment.

- Move to Oakland?

[laughing]
Jim...

You literally
know nothing about me

except for what
my vagina tastes like.

- Well, at this point
in your cycle

with the Moon waning
like it is, it tastes--

- No, no, no, no, no.
I don't actually want to know.

No, that would make
me self-conscious.

- Well, it shouldn't,

because I want to taste it
for the rest of my life.

- Jeez Louise!

That is much bigger
than I expected.

- Yeah, it turns out not
having a cocaine problem

is just a great way
to save money.

Maggie, I know I know we
haven't known each other long,

but I feel that what we have
is just so special.

- What's my middle name?

- Now, that is a stumper,

considering I don't even know
your last name.

What is your last name?
- [sighs]

Okay.

You can get up.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- I know
why you're doing this.

I follow Jules on Instagram.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- At first, it was just
some light stalking

to convince myself
that she was terrible.

But then it just made me feel
better that I was with someone

who dated someone that cool.

- Well, is she--
why is she cool? Seriously?

Because she's engaged
to a baseball legend

and she
travels around the country

putting on special events at

Well, actually,
I can see why this is all

pretty good on Instagram.
I can.

- I've had a really good time,
but that's all this is.

I don't want anything more.

I'm actually leaving Florida
in a little while.

- What?
- Yeah.

Matt the Bat
left me all of his

frequent flyer miles
when he died.

We used to talk about how
I really wanted to go to Japan.

So I'm flying there
in two weeks.

And then from there,
who knows?

- He left you his miles?

All I got was to hold his hand
when he died

and some expired Dunkaroos.

- I'm sorry.

It was not my plan to do this

before your first game back.

Are you going to be okay?

- Yeah. Sure.

Oh, God damn it.

Sorry.

I just realized
we have to pedal

all the way back
to the rental shop

against the wind.

So this is about to be

the most awkward 20 minutes

that I've ever
sweated my way through.

How about you?

- Yeah, it's up there.
- Yeah, right?

Yeah.

[grunting]
Oh, boy.

That actually hurts.

- So tough.

- Hey, beta cuck!

- That's alpha cuck to you.

- Aren't you
ashamed of yourself?

- Almost constantly...

Who are you guys?
- We're the protest.

- What are you protesting?
- Your existence.

Crowd: Everything old
is Newlie again!

Everything old is Newlie again!

Everything old is Newlie again!

Everything old is Newlie again!

- Well, I was just accosted by

the Hitler Youth lacrosse team
out there.

What is happening?

- Art Newlie
has declared war on us

and baseball.

- What?
- Where have you been?

Even for Florida
that's a lot of loose sweat.

- In a moment of panic,
I proposed to Maggie.

At which point she promptly
broke up with me

and announced that she was
leaving the country.

Other than that, though,
it went real good.

- Jesus, Jim.

That is exactly
what I was afraid of.

Thank you, Jean. Okay.
how close to the edge are you?

- Pretty close.
Fairly shaky here.

I'll muddle through.
I'll be all right.

I just--I need for everything

to just calm down for a second.

- Bad news.
- [groans]

- King Venom Vape Cartridge
has pulled their sponsorship.

- What?
- Turns out that Big Vape

are huge
Art Newlie supporters.

The key demographic
are angry young white males.

- Look, we don't care what some
shitty vape company thinks,

because the organization
has our back.

- Okay, that--that--
that's another thing.

Word has come down
from the top that

they don't want Gabby to
do the count for you anymore.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?

- They think that it shows
an emasculating behavior

that they want to avoid,
what with all this Newlie heat.

- That's what they said?

- No; what they said was,

"bitch-ass behavior,"

but I knew what they were
talking about

because I put together
the contextual clues.

- Do they want me to have
an anxiety attack on the air?

I mean, is that what--
Is that what they're hoping--

[breathes deeply]

[groaning]
Shit.

- What, do you gotta puke?

Okay, what size bucket
do you want?

I think all we have
are medium.

- Oh, please be quiet, because

the sound of your voice
is so bad.

Okay, okay.
Um...

Are you there, Baseball God?

It's me. It's Jim Brockmire.

If you exist,
which you probably don't,

could you please, please grant
me a respite

from this tornado of shit

that I find myself in?

God, it's like
I can even smell it.

- So can I.

What--[gasps]
Oh, Jim,

your jacket.
- Ah, jeez.

There's poop on your jacket.

- Oh, my god!

[sniffs]
Oh, god!

What is that, an N?

What is that for,
neo-goddamn-Nazi?

- I think it's for Newlie!

It's for Newlie.

I think it's for Newlie.

- Do you believe this?
Huh?

I wish I could tell you
this was the first time

somebody threw shit on me.

But the good news is,

I know exactly
how to get it out.

The key is
to get the shit hard

so you can just scrape it off.

Now, I doubt very highly

you have a blast chiller
in here,

so you'll just have to use
a blow dryer set on cool, okay?

Once the shit is hard,

you take a horse bristle brush

and you swipe up, okay?

Firm, swift motions
with the grain.

That's really important.
With the grain.

Okay, please be careful
with this thing.

It means the world to me.

My blood, sweat, and tears
are in this jacket.

Also a fair amount of my semen.

Probably clone, like,
three dozen mes

with the bodily fluid
in that bad boy.

So with the grain, okay?

With the grain!

- Hey, hey.
Is everything okay?

- Yeah,
sometimes I just find it

a little bit hard
to be around them.

- Yeah, Newlie fans?

- Nope, the people of Tampa.

Just a swarm
of red-faced vulgarians

parading around
in their flip-flops.

It's just disgusting.

Seeing somebody's foot
should be a consensual act.

Look at all of 'em out there.

I swear to god, Florida popped
a cyst one day

and they called it Tampa.
Tampa.

- Jim, I think you've
wandered into a dark place.

- Yeah, how so?
- I got good news.

- Oakland found
a replacement sponsor,

and it's a big one.

- Who is it?
- The Bourbon Group.

- Is that a brand?
- It's all the brands.

Yeah, you know, they got
together as a council, and,

you know,
just like the milk people.

Except they're promoting
the concept of bourbon.

- "Bourbon.

"That sweet, delicious friend

"who's always there for you.

"In light times, in dark times,

it's always bourbon time."

Really?
"Dark times"?

They're leveraging our

pre-apocalyptic present
to sell bourbon?

Seriously,
what kind of a horrible monster

would suggest
that brown liquor

is the answer
to life's problems?

- Oh my God, look at you.

You're salivating.
- No, I'm not.

Shut up. Leave me alone.
- Yes, you are.

You look like a goddamn cartoon
dog imagining a T-bone.

You need to call someone.

Have you tried Jean?
Shirley?

- Yes.
Nobody's getting back to me.

[phone chimes]
Whoa.

Oh, thank God.
Speak of the devil.

George Brett.

Oh, he wants me to be
an usher at his wedding.

Isn't that delightful?

He marries the love of my life

doesn't have the decency
to ask me to officiate

the goddamn ceremony!

- Okay, you need to go
find his jacket ASAP.

- I'm on it.

- Okay.

Um, just take some
deep breaths, all right?

You got me
through a dark time.

I'm gonna get you
through yours.

So just keep breathing.

- Okay.
Bad news.

They lost your jacket.

Good news is, they're
pretty sure they can find it

in the next three to five
business days.

- In other news, you are
a useless piece of shit!

- Whoa, hey, Jim!
- Jim, Jim, Jim!

- For once,
this is not Gus's fault.

Okay, and I know
it's important to you,

but it is just a jacket.
You don't need it.

- I know I don't need it.
I know I don't need it!

It's not Dumbo's feather,
is it?

It's my--my voice
was inside me all along.

I'm livid

because no matter how much
hard work I do on myself,

I keep on being tested, Gab.

I keep being punished.

No end in sight to this shit!

I'm going for a walk.

- Oh, no!
The game is in 40 minutes.

- You want me to breathe.

I'm gonna go breathe.
I need air!

I'm gonna go for a walk!

Shit.

Told 'em once!

Nazis!

Ha!

Shit!

Shit.

[sucks teeth]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[line trilling]

[phone ringing]

[phone clatters]

- It's been a day.

- Jesus Christ.

- Look, I just can't pretend

that this world
isn't on fire anymore.

So I might as well enjoy

the one thing in life
that gives me comfort.

- You know, Shirley,
it's funny.

You're always trying to get me
to find my higher power, right?

I don't think I ever truly
felt its presence

until right now.

Because, no, in this moment,

I'm exactly where
I'm supposed to be,

doing exactly what
I'm supposed to be doing.

Okay, and all the bad stuff

that happened to me today
that drove me to this bar

has served its purpose.

Because I was meant to be here
to help you right now.

I mean, come on.

What are the chances
that you end up in a bar

directly across the street
from the stadium

where I'm calling
a ball game today?

- Well, I'm in Tampa
because my son

got arrested
for protesting you.

I came here to pick him up

and then kind of just
followed myself here instead.

Sometimes a coincidence
is just more proof of chaos.

- Oh, come on.

- [groans]

My kid's an asshole.

Yeah, and it's all my fault,
so--

I didn't get sober
till he was seven,

and he's never gonna
forgive me for that.

- Shirley, he's 15.
Yeah?

- Yeah.
- He's not 50.

Not gonna be like this forever.

- Oh, that's true.

He could get worse.

- Well, not with you
as a mother, he won't.

- [laughs]

Are you kidding me?

I'm a middle-aged telemarketer

whose greatest achievement
in life was sobriety.

- I think my point
can best be conveyed

through a story about
my pet tortoise, Clemenza.

This living fossil
from dinosaur times,

who himself was born
before the combustion engine,

has somehow managed to survive
into the 21st century.

Every single day
that I've lived with Clem,

he tries to get himself
up onto my couch.

And I always tell him,
"Clem,

"it's just--it's not
gonna happen for you.

It's impossible."

But all he knows how to do

is just keep on
moving forward.

It doesn't matter
the obstacle.

One day, I walked in,

and against all logic,
there he was.

He was up
on the fucking couch.

[laughter]

He just kept going
until he got up there.

- Huh.
- Look.

Here's what
I'm trying to tell you.

I understand your hopelessness.

I mean, right now
this country feels like

the lobby of the Overlook Hotel

just moments before
the elevator opens

and we're all drowned in blood.

But the only way we
make things better is to try.

- [chuckles]

- Point is,
there's no such thing

as a pointless struggle.

Because it's
what we struggle for

and against that defines us.

Now, come on.
Let's go to a ball game.

- No.
- This is gonna be fun.

- No.

- 'Cause I'm gonna
introduce you

to the Baseball God.

- Okay.
- Come on.

Here we go.
- All right.

Okay.

- Easy.
All right, okay.

Just hang in there.

Oh, my god, Jean.
You came!

- I was on my favorite ride

strategizing my next fast pass,

when it hit me:
It is a small world after all.

We need to look
out for each other.

That's the point
of this whole thing.

- Boy, I wish you hadn't
had that realization

on a vaguely racist
puppet boat tour.

But I'll take what I can get,
Jean.

And, boy, I love you.

- God damn it.
I love you too, Brother.

- Um, oh!
Uh, this is Shirley.

This is my--
this is my sponsor,

- It's nice to meet you.

- Well, that explains a lot.

You look like you could use
a cup of coffee and a donut.

- Oh my god, yes.

- Yeah, here.
Let's go, baby.

- Oh, god bless you, Jean.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Here we go.

- Hey.
You can't leave like that.

We're a team.
I can't do this by myself.

- Neither can I.
I am so sorry.

I want you to know that

in my darkest,
darkest moments just now,

it was your words
about a higher power

that came to me when everything
was just blackness.

- Well, where did you go?

- I went to a bar.
Ah!

The only thing I imbibed
was the joy of service.

Now, you ready to
call a ball game?

- I have been ready all day.

- Well, let's do it.
- Guys, guys, guys.

- [groans]
- Oh, what now, Gus?

- Newlie's fans have "swatted"

half the baseball
stadiums.

- Swatted?
- Yeah.

All of the West Coast games
have been cancelled.

Major League Baseball
wants you

to read a statement about it.

- This is bullshit.
- No, no, no.

We'll read it.
- What?

We'll read it.

- Wait, I'm sorry.
What are you--

what are you
talking about?

- We'll read
the weak-tea statement,

and then we'll say
just a little bit more.

- Okay, but what about
the count?

- You know, at this point,

I'm just gonna
"keep it Brockmire"

and hope for the best.

- Has that ever worked?
- Well,

there's a first time
for everything, isn't there?

- [sighs]
All right.

- 118 years
of baseball history.

50 seasons personifying the
grit and greatness of Oakland.

One team.

Your 2019

Oakland baseball season
begins now.

Welcome, everybody,
to Opening day

here in Tampa--

Florida's most
Floridian city--

where Oakland opens up
the 2019 season.

I am Jim Brockmire.

I'm joined by my partner,
Gabby Taylor,

on this uniquely somber
first day of the season.

- As many of you know,
five games were canceled today,

and the MLB
has asked us to read

the following statement.

Boy, baseball's really taking
the brave stance

against improper
emergency service calls.

Aren't they?
- Yeah, it certainly is

a whole lot of words kind of

strung together in a row, Jim.

- It certainly is.

But, you know, as the focus

of today's
hateful fear-mongering,

Gabby and I would like to say
just a few more words.

Gabby?
- Thanks, Jim.

You know, I'm about to bring
a child into a world

where men like Art Newlie
seem to have their voice

and power
just amplified by the minute.

He and his followers
don't want me in baseball.

Or America.

But people like me have always
been in this game

and this country.

I'm gonna raise this baby to
be a baseball fan,

because this is my game.

- You're goddamn right it is.

You know, folks, my mama
always said that

nothing in this life matters.

And on days like this,

when it seems that
stupidity and ignorance

are the only things
being rewarded,

it's easy to feel like
she is exactly right.

But I believe that we create
our own meaning in this world.

And out there,
on that diamond,

that is a world
that has meaning.

Fairness, patience, community,

the knowledge that
we're a part of a team

even when we're by ourselves.

These are the core tenets
of baseball.

They're the ones I fight for

inside and outside
of this game.

Folks, baseball endures.

It's a relic of a bygone era

that, well, it wasn't even
a particularly good one.

But its continued existence
is a lesson to us all

that we too can make it
out of these--

these dark times.

- Well said, Jim.

- Stay tuned for the
first pitch when we return.

- And we're clear.

[indistinct chatter]

- I want you to be
this kid's godfather.

- Are you kidding me?

Gabby, that is
all I have wanted.

Well, that means that if you
die--

- Oh, no.
It's not legally binding.

If I die,
the baby goes to my mother.

And if she dies,
the baby goes to the state.

- Right, but if the state dies

and California becomes
this apocalyptic wasteland...

- Oh, yeah, then you need to
take custody of my child

and escort them
through the end of times

like a Cormac McCarthy novel.

- That's actually
a lot of responsibility.

'Cause the way
things are going,

there's a 15% chance
of that happening

in our lifetime.

You ready?
- Mm-hmm.

- Here we go.

Welcome back, folks,
as we turn our attention

to what's actually going on
out there on the ball field.

19-year-old phenom
Danny Carney

making his Major League debut

on the mound out there
for Tampa

as Lewis settles into the box
for Oakland.

And here comes
the opening pitch

of the 2019 season.

It is a fastball high.

[distant cheering]

1 and 0.

[distant cheering]