All language subtitles for Josh.S03E01.Rope.Swings.and.Roundabouts.720p.iP.WE-DL.AC2.H.264-RTN

I can feel the shade... Yes.
..and the sun. And the sun, there

you go, keep going,
we're nearly there,

I promise.
Where are you taking me, though?

Well, I mean, it's supposed to be
a surprise.

It's just I saw this horrible film
called Cabin In The Woods

where scientists manipulated
the mind of students.

It's not that, is it?

No, that'd definitely be
a bit much for a third date.

Yeah. Ta-da.

Oh, my God.
You're not scared, are you?

No, no, I'm...

Oh, my God, that looks so much fun.

Brilliant, yay,
I knew you'd love it.

They've just installed
four new zip wires! Great!

100% the worst experience I have

ever had in a car,
and I was once picked up

by one of those giant magnets
by mistake when I drove to the tip.

And my poor mother on the back seat
screaming,

"My fillings, my fillings!"

It wasn't that bad.

It was worse than my nephew
playing Grand Theft Auto.

At least he had
the fuzz on his tail.

Can I get to the door,
please, Geoff?

Until he changed vehicles
beneath the underpass.

And I'll tell you another thing you
can do beneath the underpass in that

game. And this is probably why
it's an 18. If you toot the horn...

..which is actually
pretty degrading.

Can we get back to
my driving, please, Geoff?

Yeah, of course.

What I can tell you is that

your main problem
is that you can't drive.

Yeah, but my test
is tomorrow morning.

Luckily for you I offer
the full range of services.

Landlord, driving instructor

and counsellor for
when you inevitably fail.

Oh, God. Cos I'm doing
a night class in psychotherapy,

and I need real-life case studies
to test my skills on.

Deadline is looming and I need
someone who is at a really low ebb,

so to quote the gigantic hand
from the National Lottery...

"It could be you."

Why are you studying that?

It is a really fascinating subject.

Doing my dissertation
on scream therapy,

it's where you scream your problems
from the top of a mountain.

And here's a clever bit -
I'm actually writing it all in caps.

What did they say? Is there an ETA

on when they're going to
get me down?

Yeah, so they said it
could be another hour.

For crying out loud.

So I think I'm going to head off.

But aren't we going for a drink?

Well, let's leave that for now.

I'm free tomorrow if you fancy.

I'm not sure it's a great idea.
What about Monday?

Tuesday? I mean meeting up again.

What? I'm not sure that
we're quite the right fit.

What? I'm beginning to think that
we are not a great fit.

Sorry, you're quite far-away, Josh.

No, I can hear you, I just can't
believe what you're saying.

Are you dumping me on
a Go Ape course?

Technically,
I've finished the course.

How is this happening?

Sorry. Sorry, Josh.

We've got a table booked at Wahaca.

Please don't film me, mate,
have a bit of respect.

Oh. Oh, well, so obvious.

Shall we watch
another Death in Paradise?

No, no, no.

I think four's enough. I can't help

thinking there won't be anyone left
on that island if we keep going.

And anyway, I don't think I'm making
enough of my time in London.

Yes, you are making the most
of London - you're seeing me.

Hm.

OK. Well,

tomorrow's going to be amazing cos
I have tickets for the theatre.

Really? Yeah. My goodness,

you picked up on my clues
about the Jersey Boys? No.

Is it the Jersey Boys?
No, no, we're not going to see

the Jersey Boys. Lion King? No.
Phantom of the Opera? No. Wicked?

No. Aladdin? No. Thriller Live.

No. Matilda The Musical?

No. Not Mamma Mia?

No. Cats! Nope, just stop guessing.

OK? I have got us tickets to the new
production from Mish-Mosh Theatre.

The what Mosh? Mish.

Mish-Mosh. They're an immersive
theatre company.

They're a what? What? What, what?

Immersive. OK, it's a play
that you interact with.

So instead of just going
and watching the actors,

you actually get to take part in the
play itself.

They give you a character,
you have to sort of do

what you think
the character would do.

Yes, well, I've got a character,
thank you very much - Judith.

OK, but you wouldn't be Judith
when you went there.

I think you'll find I would be.
You wouldn't,

because you'd be within the play
so you'd be doing whatever your

character would be doing. Well, I
think my character would be leaving

and going to buy tickets for
the Jersey Boys.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Hey, hey, hey.

If it isn't the internet's
newest viral star.

I was dumped, it was filmed -
it's not an achievement.

It is!

I've bookmarked Lad Bible for
just this kind of viral treat.

Thank you, Geoff, goodbye.

Amazing how quickly
they uploaded your video.

Yeah, they've got Wi-Fi at Go Ape.

Why would an ape need Wi-Fi?

But then I thought an ape would
never be able to play drums and

we've all seen the footage.
Put Dairy Milk into YouTube.

HE IMITATES DRUMMING

You don't seem as happy
as I thought you'd be.

Why would I be happy?

Yet another relationship
has ended in disaster.

You spent your entire career trying
to make people laugh and now you

finally have 2,300,000 views?

Your hot on the heels of granny
on a windy pier.

But they're laughing at me.
Do you know how depressing that is?

Interesting. Yesterday I had
a girlfriend and a career.

Today I'm the new cat bin lady.

And how does being the new cat bin
lady make you feel?

This is a safe space, Josh, just
you and me, nothing leaves the room.

I need to be at the test centre
in half an hour, Geoff.

Are you ready to go? Just talking to
Josh about how upset he is that

everyone knows
he can't keep a girlfriend.

Just hold on to
those depressive thoughts.

Josh isn't at his best, is he?

Not really in the headspace
to think about that now, Geoff.

Why do you suddenly need
to pass your test anyway?

Because I've owned a car for five
years and never been out without

taking someone in
the passenger seat.

And I have enjoyed every trip.

We've been like Thelma and Louise.
Particularly that time when you

nearly drove us over a cliff
in Brighton.

Yes, are you going to wait for me
at the test centre?

No, I now have
something I need to do.

So I'll drop you off
and jump in a taxi.

OK. Oh, no, wait.

What? What about when you fail?

You'll need me there
to legally drive the car home.

I appreciate the support, Geoff.

We'll pick it up tomorrow.

Just leave it parked up in the test
centre. That should do it.

So, my character is Carla Farrow,

a difficult employee
who speaks as she finds.

And you are...
Geri O'Toole. Is that right?

A divorcee with a nose for trouble.

Right. Is that a snipe?

No, I've told you, that's
your Mish-Mosh Theatre character.

Can you try and enjoy this, Mum -
it could be really fun.

Look what you've given me to wear.

When you said you were getting me
something to wear for the theatre,

I thought, oh, a lovely pashmina
or a tiny pair of binoculars -

not one of David Dickinson's
cast-offs.

The more you throw yourself
into this,

the more you're going to
get out of it.

Well, that's rich coming from you,

we all remember you in
the 1994 school Nativity.

What? It was as if you weren't even
bothered you were giving birth to

the son of God. My God, I was seven.

Yes. Hang on, number 48.
Here we are.

Well, that doesn't look much like
a theatre.

Well, no, it's not supposed to.

It's immersive theatre,
it's supposed to look real.

Right, so, we're in the final days
of the 2008 financial crash.

The oblivious staff are all totally
unaware that they're about to lose

their jobs. Thrilling, let's hope

they still sell
big packs of Minstrels.

Excuse me,
is this Mish-Mosh Theatre?

No, sorry.
But this is 48 Johnson Terrace?

No, this is Johnson Crescent,
Johnson Terrace is round the corner.

Great, thank you.

Owen James. Here, sir.

I mean, here. Huw.

Nice to meet you. No, it's not.

I know how this works. Right, first
things first, number plate, please -

want to make sure I'm not getting
in a car with Stevie Wonder.

It's not Carpool Karaoke.

What you laughing at?
Road safety is no laughing matter.

Number plate, please.

R, O, six, three, B, P, X.

Right, OK, chop chop. Is that
a Welsh twang I'm picking up there?

Don't try that trick
with me, sunshine -

I've failed more Welsh people
than Margaret Thatcher. OK.

Is that a Swansea City
air freshener?

Yeah, is that a problem?

Far from it. Only one thing I love

more than the smell of synthetic
pine, and that's Swansea City.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.

f Swansea till I die

f I'm Swansea till I die

f I know I am, I'm sure I am

f I'm Swansea till I die

f Swansea till I die

f I'm Swansea till I die

f I know I am, I'm sure I am

f I'm Swansea till I die! f

I tested a Cardiff City fan
yesterday. Oh, yeah?

Failed him straightaway.

Brilliant. So it looks like
I owe somebody a pass.

Drive on, Macduff.

No need to check your blind spot,
that's a brick wall.

Well, already I hate the set.

Mum! Well, I was worried
it was going to be this boring.

I found this in your kitchen,
thought, "Why not?"

That's the stuff.

Immerse yourself in that.

No, we're here to enjoy the play.

Right, go on, then.

Whoa, mama.

Oh, it's you.
Who were you expecting?

Millie's coming round to pick up
some things she left here.

What, so I might get to meet

both stars of
"Dude dumped on a zip wire"?

Sorry. That was insensitive.
I'll start again.

The reason I came over is to say
I know how you're feeling.

I get it. Really?

Have you ever been dumped at Go Ape?

No, but I've been dumped
and gone ape.

So it's a "no" to humour, then.

OK. On to plan B.

Time to share.

Let me self-disclose something.

I was once very publicly dumped.

Great. I was a contestant on

Blind Date,
and the pressure got to me.

I muddled up
my pre-prepared answers.

And when Kerry from Blackburn asked
me what I look for in a woman,

I said vindaloo because
I like it hot, hot, hot.

I looked insane.

Geoff, how is this meant to help me?

Because, Josh,
I know how it feels to be sad.

OK. And when I feel like that,
do you know where I go?

Foxtons? I go to work.

I threw myself into
something productive.

For example, are there any odd jobs
that need doing around the flat?

Actually, yeah. The TV.

That stopped working.
Well, that'll be the aerial.

Let's go and fix it.

Do we have to? Come on.
A bit of fresh air will do you good.

And it's a two-man job.

Fine. So what was your other answer
on Blind Date?

Oh, it didn't get any better.

When she asked me what I'd order
in an Indian restaurant, I said,

"Santa Claus, because I go all night
and always deliver."

Graham had a field day
in the summing up.

Called me a pillock. Right, come on.

Let's go and see to that aerial.

OK.

I mean, look at all these pathetic
people, thinking they're actors.

The sad thing is they'd probably
be working in an office

if they weren't here pretending
they were.

Mum, could you just stay
in character, please? And what?

Sit down and complain
about my divorce?

No. Stay in character. Another
little snipe. What do you want?

Geri O'Toole, the troublemaker?
Well, be careful what you wish for.

Mum! I'm a troublemaker.

You can't just throw things.
Can't I?

What are you doing? Improvising.

They've never heard of that.
They're not proper actors.

They're not proper actors.

I mean, I've watched the whole

series of Doctors,
from beginning to end.

I don't recognise one face
around here.

And every deadbeat actor in
the world's been in Doctors.

Kick-off was at 3pm.

At 2:45, I park the coach
outside Griffin Park,

and that is when Roberto Martinez
turned to me and said,

"Huw, you've just saved
Swansea City."

That's extraordinary. I know.
I'm having a lovely time, Huw.

Aye, me too, Owen.

Right, I suppose we've got to get
this parallel park out of the way.

Oh, yeah. Although
we haven't discussed

your all-time Swansea 11 yet.

Oh, now we're talking. Right, well,

first name on the team sheet,
obviously - Joe Allen.

Oh, the maestro.
Of course I'm a bit biased,

being a fellow Carmarthen boy.
I'm from Carmarthen.

I'm from Carmarthen.
Where did you grow up?

Lammas Street. Really?
I grew up five minutes away.

No way! Yeah.

While we've been talking,
someone's parked in your spot.

Yes. Which of course means now
you don't have to,

so I can tick that one off.
Seriously?

Oh, thanks, Huw.
All part of the service.

Hey, we must know loads of
the same people, then.

Yeah. Nesta Phillips?

Of course. Why does she always
smell of toast? Toast.

Do you know Greg Thomas?
Oh, Roof Rack Thomas?

Just a bit, yeah.
When is he going to empty his boot?

I know!
Do you know Bronwen Driscoll?

Oh... Only too well.
What do you mean?

Well, I spent the night with her.

Not worth it, mate. Biggest mistake
of my life. She is loopy.

That juice was not worth
the squeezing...

Oh, gosh, you're friends with her,
aren't you?

She's my sister. Nice girl.

Yammer, yammer, yammer.

Tell him, tell him the truth.

Well, you can complain
to who you want, mate,

because I know this company's going
under and everyone's about to lose

their jobs.

Very good. Well done.
Oh, he was absolutely furious.

This really is a phenomenally
rounded experience.

Yes, very detailed, isn't it?

I mean, how are you supposed to know
the difference between the audience

and the cast? Oh, you're not.
It's immersive, that's the point.

You shouldn't be able to see the
joins. Oh... What shall we do now?

Oh, let's go... Let's go in there.

Let's go in there. Oh, yes.
Geri O'Toole, the troublemaker.

I'm doing the accent.
Yes, do the accent.

I don't know if it's Scottish
or Irish, but I'm doing it.

Turning our attention
to the second paragraph...

I'm so sorry to interrupt,

I just want to tell you that the
company is closing down and you're

all going to lose your jobs.
Sorry. What is going on here?

I assure you that's not true.
Yeah, well, he would say that.

Pack your things.
Yeah, and phone your loved ones.

Tell them it's going to be
a hard winter.

That's good.

Even I didn't believe
my accent, really.

Excuse me.

I hope my.. previous behaviour

won't negatively impact
on my chances of passing.

Are you referring to the fact
that you shagged my sister and

then binned her off? Well, binned
off is a very strong phrase.

Binned her off
because she was loopy.

Loopy is also a very strong phrase.

I meant loopy in
a fun, eccentric way.

Like snooker loopy.

So your saying my sister's loopy,

like she reminds you
of Willie Thorne?

She gave me the Willie Thorne.

Sorry, that was misjudged.

Yes, that was. If you can't
be trusted with sisters,

how can you be trusted
behind the wheel?

Not only am I failing you,
I'll talk to the authorities

and make sure you're banned
from the road.

What? You can't do that, surely.
I can do whatever I like, sunshine.

Turns out the loopy gene
runs in the family.

So I hope you hadn't planned on

driving anywhere
for the next 60 years.

HE LAUGHS

Look at your face, man!
I was teasing you!

You're so gullible. I would never do
that to a fellow Swan-man.

What, so Bronwen's not your sister?

Oh, no, she is. I just don't care
who she sleeps with.

Oh. It's 2017, she's her own woman.

Give me some credit, will you?
And one more thing.

You'll be needing this.
You've passed.

No!

Let's get a photograph
of you outside,

celebrating next to the car.
Oh, great idea, yeah.

Might want to pop the handbrake on.
Oh, yeah, good idea.

Here we are.

Right.

Did you just plug that back in?

Yeah. I think the wind
must have unplugged it.

It's been very windy lately.

Has it? Well, we've all seen granny
on the pier.

But I've never seen
the wind unplug something.

Well, I have. Back in
the great storm of '87

I saw the wind unplug
the freezer in my garage.

I lost 300 Fabs.

Geoff, what is going on? OK.

I unplugged the TV aerial.

I needed an excuse
to get you up here.

We need to tackle your problems.
Right. I am going back down.

You have to do accept you're
depressed. I'm not depressed.

I'm just pissed off because
I've been dumped and embarrassed.

All I want to do is talk to you

about it, help you through
your pain.

And write about it
in my dissertation.

There is nothing to talk about.
I think there is.

You've been humiliated in front of
3.8 million people.

Your career really
hasn't taken off,

you've lived in the same rental flat
for three years,

and your relationships keep ending.

Of course you're depressed.

Are you saying you feel sorry
for me? Yes.

Oh, God, now I am depressed.

Good. This is progress.
I'm quite good at this.

Right. Would you care to explain
your behaviour?

Ooh, not really, but then I am
Geri O'Toole, the troublemaker.

I'm sorry,
do you think this is a joke?

Can I just say, I don't want to
break the fifth wall or whatever,

but you almost seem like
a real manager.

What are you talking about?
I totally believe it.

Totally believe what?
You, as this manager character.

It's very good. I am the manager.
You're brilliant.

I mean, honestly, you could be
in Doctors.

And can you tell whoever
produces this,

this is the most fun
I've ever had at a play?

This isn't a play.
This is an office.

You can't break him.

No. Oh, hang on. Have a sip of this.

It's Malibu. Seriously easy-going.

No-one's looking. Right, I'm going
to have to ask you to leave.

I don't know who you think you are.

Well, unfortunately for you, this
is 2008 and we have workers' rights.

You tell him, Geri. The global
financial meltdown was no fault of

the workers, it was the fault of
fat cats like you.

What on earth are you talking about?
We are going nowhere.

And neither are you.
Lock the door, Carla.

On it.

Hi, Julie, can you call
the police for me, please?

Did you hear that, the police?

I mean, the detail of it.
It's incredible.

Owen James? Yes?

Could you step out the car, please?
Yeah.

Handbrake. Oh, yeah.

We've had a report that you're
driving without a valid license.

Oh, no.

Actually, funnily enough, I've just
passed my driving test today.

I can show you.

Ta-da!

This isn't a pass certificate.

What?

You failed.

And on the back it says,

"This is what you get for shagging
my sister."

When was the last time you talked
to someone about your concerns?

Well, I talked to the content
manager of Lad Bible

about getting the video removed.

And how did that make you feel?
Frustrated - and old.

What about your deeper concerns?

He wasn't interested in
my deeper concerns.

He was only interested
in snackable content.

Do you know what I think
would be helpful for you?

Yeah, a girlfriend and a career.

A bit of scream therapy.
A bit of what?

Scream therapy.

It's when you scream the problems
out of your body and let the wind

take them, like it took
that granny off the pier.

Not interested. It's very cathartic.

Obviously it should be done on
the top of Mount Fuji,

but I think this would work.
I'm not doing that.

Watch.

HE SCREAMS

Admittedly, less cathartic when
you haven't got any problems.

But you've got loads.
So come on, give it a go.

No. Yes, I think you should try it.

No. I'll disconnect
the TV aerial again.

Well, I'll reconnect it again.

You won't be able to because I will

have cut the plug off
with my pliers.

No more Homes Under The Hammer.
No more A Place In The Sun.

No more Location, Location,
Location, Location, Location.

What's the worst that can happen?
It might help.

I don't know.

I won't leave you alone
until you've tried it.

Fine.

I wish I had a better career.

Aargh. Yeah?

Better? Can we go down now?

Move to the edge
and give it some welly.

I can't afford a place of my own
and it's annoying.

Better.

That did feel quite good, actually.

What did I tell you?
My landlord won't leave me alone!

Not so good, that one.

I've been humiliated on
the internet!

Yes, Josh. My love life's a mess!

I was dumped by a girl
I really liked!

I find London life really stressful!

I haven't written any good jokes
in months!

Police? Yeah, I think
my ex-boyfriend is about

to jump off a building.

Do you know what? I do actually feel
a bit better.

See? What did I tell you?

Good things happen when
you trust in Geoff.

Look, if you could just write down
there's been a misunderstanding.

There seems to be
a slight misunderstanding.

This has just been
a huge misunderstanding.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, Joshie!

Little man. Who was filming him?

If you start yelling on a roof
people get their cameras out.

You freaking out on top of things
is viral gold.

It's just funny.

It is funny.