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It's been 23 years
since I did a comedy special.
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And we're on our way now...
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to the club where I'm gonna do it.
It's the club where I started at.
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It's the Comedy Cellar.
It was my home club...
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thirty years ago.
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Thirty-two, actually.
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And... I used to come here
from Queens every night.
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Drive in... at least six nights a week.
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And hang at the Cellar and do spots.
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So, that's what we're gonna do.
I figured, you know what?
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Let's do it there.
12
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Let's do it at the Comedy Cellar,
and let's kinda...
13
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Let's do it like a... like a guest spot.
14
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It's a little bit...
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I'm a little worried about it
because there's no guarantee...
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that it's gonna be a great audience.
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But there's an energy,
there's a cool energy to not knowing...
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what you're gonna get.
19
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Then...
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they have the Village Underground also,
they own the Village Underground
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and that was a music club.
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But the comedy became so popular
that they converted it to comedy.
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So, we're gonna do that.
I think we're gonna go
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into the Cellar, unannounced,
25
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and do a set,
and then walk right around the corner.
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It's right around the corner.
27
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Village Underground.
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Do a set there.
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Now, hey, hey, hey!
30
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What's up, what's up?
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How are you?
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How are you?
33
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,206
There you go. That's New York.
34
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How are you? Hi.
35
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I don't know who I am.
36
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All right.
37
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How are we doing... timewise?
38
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:46,416
- We're on time, completely.
- So what do I have, like...?
39
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,544
- So, Gary Vider just went up, so you're...
- Oh, he just went up?
40
00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:50,920
Yeah, you're gonna go after him.
41
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,213
- Okay.
- Okay?
42
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,715
- He's doing...
- He's doing ten.
43
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- Ten?
- Yep.
44
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- All right.
- All right.
45
00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,263
Sorry, gentleman, I'm sorry. I apologize.
46
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What's up, man, how are ya?
47
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I appreciate it.
48
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You gonna light 'em up in a minute?
49
00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:09,189
One minute? Okay, cool.
How are they?
50
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:10,522
Awesome.
51
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:13,776
You don't gotta say that
if it ain't true.
52
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- They're very good.
- All right, cool.
53
00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:18,270
All right, let me get down there.
Let me get down there.
54
00:03:18,489 --> 00:03:19,616
All right, here we go.
55
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:21,575
See you guys.
56
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,202
Yeah.
57
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,548
Gary Vider, everybody!
58
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- Can I get a water?
- Water?
59
00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:41,179
All right. So one of the great things
about the Comedy Cellar is
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sometimes we have special guests
that drop in.
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How does that sound?
62
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Please help me welcome to the stage,
Ray Romano.
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Whoa.
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Oh, stop, stop, stop...
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Please.
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00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,715
Oh, no.
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00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,427
Oh my, oh my...
68
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:26,641
We are both gonna be disappointed
a little bit.
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We can't live... you can't and I can't
live up to that, but all right.
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Thank you so much.
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00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:37,943
Thank you.
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00:04:38,027 --> 00:04:39,988
Good to be here, good to be back.
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Here, this is where it all started, folks,
long time ago.
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A long time ago.
You weren't born yet, buddy.
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00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:51,666
You were not born.
76
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,295
- You weren't born. How old are you?
- Twenty-three.
77
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:58,840
Oh, man, I was here for ten years
by the time you were born.
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You weren't born.
You weren't in the country my friend.
79
00:05:02,176 --> 00:05:03,176
You were not...
80
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:09,100
You were on the no-fly list
when I started working here.
81
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All right, good to come back,
see my friends.
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Here's the thing about friends.
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When you have a TV show,
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and you will, we all get one.
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No, seriously, folks.
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It's like jury duty.
You're gonna get a show.
87
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But you're gonna have friends, man.
You gonna have a lot of friends.
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And it's all right. It's a good problem,
but I don't have time for my own friends.
89
00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:43,634
But here's what I've learned.
I'm older now. I'm, I'm over fifty.
90
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Here's what I've learned about life.
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Now that I'm over fifty,
I'll make the time to be your friend.
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If you're a doctor.
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That's no bullshit.
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I want... Who's a doctor?
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There's doctors here. Law of averages.
What are you? What kind?
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00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:00,651
Uh, interventional radiology.
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00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,779
I don't know what that is,
but we're going golfing.
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00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,742
It sounds good, you know shit.
You know shit.
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Stock up on doctor friends,
I'm telling you.
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00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,374
Get his card
'cause you're gonna need him.
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00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:18,795
You get to a certain age,
every day something happens.
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Every day! The other day,
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I woke up with a sprained ankle.
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What happened?
105
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No, but what happened?
I went to bed. I was fine.
106
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I was fine when I got in bed.
107
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What is happening?
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I'm not gay, but if a gay doctor
ever made a move on me,
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I don't know, man. I swear to God.
110
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I don't know. That's where I'm at.
That is where I'm at.
111
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:48,449
I'm telling you the truth.
112
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If he has an MRI,
I'm sleeping over at his house.
113
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I want doctor friends.
114
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You get older. As you get older,
you need different friends.
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Like when you're a teenager,
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the one friend you need is the first kid
who has a car.
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You gotta buddy up to that kid, right?
118
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Yeah, and then you hit your twenties...
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new kid now.
120
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Usually a sketchy kid. He can get...
121
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Yeah, he can get shit.
You don't know how he gets stuff.
122
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You don't ask,
123
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all you know is all the sudden
he can get you tickets to REO Speedwagon.
124
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:23,526
Yeah, you don't know
what I'm talking about. This table knows.
125
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That table knows.
126
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Yes, I'm sorry.
127
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I'm meant Coachella... Coachella tickets.
I'm sorry.
128
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:36,664
And then thirties...
Thirties and forties, new friends.
129
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Lawyer. You have to lawyer up now.
130
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Yes, find a good lawyer,
'cause that's when it all happens.
131
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That's... you get a divorce.
132
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:46,674
You, you gotta...
133
00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:49,518
You gotta get a picture of your dick
off the internet all of a sudden.
134
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What happened? All of a sudden,
I hit a button. I hit the button!
135
00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:57,350
I need a lawyer.
136
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,522
And then fifties to seventies, man.
137
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Doctors. Doctors...
138
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:05,485
And then here's the weird thing.
In your eighties...
139
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,195
back to the kid with the car.
140
00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:08,613
Yeah, full circle.
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Full circle.
142
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Now you need soup.
Every day, you need soup.
143
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Yeah.
144
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:20,488
I don't... You know, I don't...
145
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I don't think I'm old.
I just know I'm not young.
146
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That's the difference.
There is a difference, yeah.
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There's usually an event
in a man's life...
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where he just,
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he can't be in denial anymore.
150
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He just has to realize...
I remember when it happened to me.
151
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I remember when I realized
I wasn't a young man anymore.
152
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Here's, here's what happened.
I was having sex with my wife,
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and, and in the middle of it,
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I... I actually had to take a knee,
you know?
155
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:58,704
I had to go down, man. I had to stay down.
156
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I stay...
157
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,833
I wasn't protesting anything.
158
00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:08,798
I was... You know what I was doing?
I was running the clock out on my wife.
159
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:16,305
This is the hard part.
160
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:22,728
And by the way, I'm not bragging.
It's not like we were doing a lot.
161
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,897
It's not like we were working up a sweat.
162
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,149
I say in the middle of it.
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It was, it was barely long enough
to have a middle.
164
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,409
My mom, my mom's eighty-nine.
165
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:39,745
My... she's doing okay.
She just had her hip replaced.
166
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:43,374
And me and my brothers went
to the hospital.
167
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,752
I have an older brother, Richard,
and a younger brother, Robert.
168
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,297
And we're at the hospital,
and she's coming out of anesthesia.
169
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:53,426
We think she's out... of anesthesia,
but the doctor's testing her.
170
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:56,887
So, he goes to her, "How many...
Lucy, how many children you have?"
171
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,931
And she goes, "Four," so, we know...
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00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,809
"Okay, Doc, she's a little loopy,"
'cause there's only three.
173
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,728
And then he keeps going.
174
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,091
He goes, "What are their names?"
175
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:09,650
And she goes,
"Richard, Richard, Richard, and Richard."
176
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:10,735
Four Richards.
177
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,904
And we laugh. You have to laugh.
178
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:18,993
I'm gonna be honest. Richard laughed
a little more than me and Robert did.
179
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,912
Yeah, we were a little weirded out.
180
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,208
I'm not mad. I'm not gonna, you know...
181
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:29,170
She's eighty-nine.
She's coming out of anesthesia.
182
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:31,005
I just thought, wow, that's...
183
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:33,424
that's strong anesthesia. 'Cause...
No, I mean...
184
00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:35,635
No but seriously,
if she's gonna name four...
185
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:39,972
What, one of them can't be the...
the guy who bought her a house?
186
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:43,433
That guy?
187
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:45,853
Can't get one name?
188
00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:50,775
How 'bout the guy who bought the hip?
How 'bout that guy?
189
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:55,237
How 'bout a shout out to the man...
190
00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:57,073
signing for the hip.
191
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:00,868
No, four Richards.
192
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:08,250
And now she's home, and she's fine,
but she's eighty-nine.
193
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:12,630
And let me tell you,
the filter goes. The filter just leaves.
194
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:14,048
I don't care who they are.
195
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:16,592
My mom was a piano teacher.
She went to Juilliard.
196
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,969
She, she didn't say anything off-color.
197
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:22,807
The other day she told me, "You know,
I stayed with your dad for so long
198
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,266
because the sex was very good."
199
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,851
I'm, like, "Mom!"
200
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:28,896
I screamed!
201
00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:31,023
I couldn't... I hyperventilated.
202
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:35,861
The only thing more disturbing than
picturing your parents having sex,
203
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:39,323
is picturing them having good sex.
204
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,743
I had that in my head.
205
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:48,332
I said, "No, Mom, don't. Please don't."
206
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,179
You know what you gotta say to that stuff?
207
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:52,837
"Find the fourth Richard.
Lay that shit out on him.
208
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:54,964
That's what he's for."
209
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,569
My, you know, my kids will never have
to worry about that.
210
00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:02,638
That's one good thing.
My wife... I don't care.
211
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,181
I don't care how senile...
212
00:12:06,016 --> 00:12:09,145
That is not coming out of her mouth.
Let me tell you right now.
213
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:10,604
No, no. She'll be like,
214
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:13,208
"I stayed with your father.
He came fast, he had a lot of money.
215
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,484
I'm gonna be honest.
He had a lot of money."
216
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,199
"Yeah, I didn't know, you know,
I didn't think it would last, but then...
217
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,995
something happened.
Then he popped. He popped."
218
00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:31,541
Oh, boy.
219
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:36,046
I found an advantage to getting old.
220
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,850
Here's one of the advantages
to getting old.
221
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,242
Here's what you don't have, buddy.
222
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,636
It's... It's a weird advantage.
223
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,221
I took an elbow in the groin.
224
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:47,892
I was, I was playing basketball
with my son. He elbowed me in the groin.
225
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,102
Every guy knows that pain, right?
226
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,229
So, it hasn't happened to me
in thirty years.
227
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:56,150
Thirty years ago, I got hit there,
and I still remember the pain.
228
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:58,611
Okay, so the other day
we're playing ball... boom.
229
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:01,322
And I'm, like, "Oh no."
And I'm waiting, and I'm waiting...
230
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:05,367
Not that bad. I swear to God.
It wasn't that bad.
231
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,204
And I'm... I'm, like,
"What's going on here?"
232
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:11,665
"What's... Do I have a superpower?
Is this a superpower?"
233
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:16,712
And I figured it out.
Here's what happened. Thirty years ago...
234
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:20,007
things are compact down there.
235
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:24,261
Right? But now, there's give.
There's give now.
236
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,641
There's, there's slack. There's slack.
237
00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:32,520
You can take one. You can take a punch.
238
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:38,067
You know what it is? It's like,
it's like punching a curtain now.
239
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,150
That's what it is.
240
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:45,783
But thirty years ago...
241
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,372
Here's why the body does that.
242
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,297
Here's why it doesn't hurt
when you get older.
243
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:54,416
Because you don't need 'em.
244
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:55,584
When you're, when you're...
245
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,348
When you're twenty-three,
when you're whatever, you gotta reproduce.
246
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:01,048
So, the body's telling you,
"Don't get hit here man."
247
00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:02,508
It makes it painful.
248
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:04,217
But now...
249
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:06,220
What do you need? What do I need?
250
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,558
You know what they are now?
They're like tonsils now.
251
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:11,976
Really, that's all they are.
252
00:14:12,142 --> 00:14:14,520
Get 'em out.
Get 'em out, before they're infected.
253
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,772
Right, doctor?
You know what I'm talking about.
254
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:21,235
Get 'em out. They're going away.
They're trying to get away on their own.
255
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:22,528
They're trying to leave.
256
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:27,449
They're, they're having a race
with each other, like, left, right, left.
257
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:33,455
It's like the world's slowest race
to the ground is happening in front of me.
258
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,209
And they're getting...
Here's the weird part.
259
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,670
They're getting longer
and this guy's getting shorter.
260
00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:40,753
It's like...
261
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,718
They're connected.
Somehow they're connected.
262
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:48,428
All right.
263
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,893
I'm glad...
I'm glad we're filming all this, 'cause...
264
00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:55,895
My wife hates that bit.
265
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:59,064
My wife got mad at me the other day.
266
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,067
We were on the cell phone,
and we got disconnected.
267
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:04,820
Yeah, we got disconnected.
268
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:08,741
And I called her back, and she goes,
"What was that?"
269
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:13,537
I'm like, "What do you mean?
We got disconnected."
270
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:17,124
And she takes a beat and goes,
"All right."
271
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,754
"What are you saying? What do you mean?
272
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:26,300
What do you... Oh, you know what, honey?
You got me. You caught me."
273
00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:29,470
You know what I do? You know what I like
to do? It's just a little thing...
274
00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:30,971
I just get a kick out of it.
275
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,140
When we're talking
and you get really into it,
276
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:35,476
and in the middle of a sentence,
I hang up.
277
00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,187
I just hang up on ya.
278
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,899
And then I call you right back,
and I'm, like, 'I don't know.'
279
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:43,776
It was a bad patch, I don't know."
280
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:45,944
The hell you...
281
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:51,992
She gets mad.
282
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:56,288
She... I was at a red light the other day,
and the guy was selling roses, you know.
283
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,165
And I don't usually... I don't get one,
284
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,288
but then I just thought...
285
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:02,294
"I need some points, man.
I gotta score some points."
286
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:05,005
You know, it's all about points.
287
00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:08,467
Ladies, I don't know
what game we're in with you.
288
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:13,013
But you always have the lead.
You're always in front.
289
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:16,850
By the way, the rose,
if you're married for a while,
290
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:20,479
that, that rose on the corner,
that doesn't work. No, it doesn't, yeah.
291
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,147
No, it doesn't, I know.
292
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,008
'Cause they know where you got it.
293
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,106
They're like, "Oh, thank you.
Thanks for the effort.
294
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:28,320
Thank you very much.
295
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,698
Thanks for rolling down the window."
296
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,078
Yeah, you need a little more.
297
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:38,789
You actually lose points.
You might lose points.
298
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:43,627
We're married a long time.
299
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:44,878
We've crossed over.
300
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,047
When you first start...
So, so, wait a minute.
301
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:49,717
Who's... you're married.
How long? Not long, right?
302
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:50,634
Two, two weeks?
303
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,344
- Two years.
- Oh, two years, okay.
304
00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:55,806
- But, but still, that's short.
- Yeah.
305
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:57,808
But when you're married a long time...
306
00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:01,520
See, in the beginning of a relationship,
you're in the do-no-wrong phase.
307
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:04,064
Right? Whatever you do is cute.
It's sweet.
308
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,150
And then... we've crossed over.
309
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:07,860
I'm in the do-know-right.
310
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,278
I'm in the do-know-right.
311
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:13,490
You know, I just have to accept it.
I have to just know... Here's an example.
312
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,659
Here's an example. I'm walking through...
313
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:18,579
She's watching TV,
and I'm walking through, and I offer.
314
00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:21,540
I say, "Oh, I'll get you some popcorn."
I know she likes popcorn.
315
00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,500
And I offer, "I'll get you popcorn."
316
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:28,255
To which she says,
"All right, but... bring enough."
317
00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:29,590
She's already pissed off.
318
00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:33,052
She's already pissed off at me.
319
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:40,684
She'd rather have no popcorn
than not enough popcorn.
320
00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:42,101
Yeah.
321
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:45,314
It's unbelievable.
322
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,570
One morning, I mean, one night...
323
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,990
It was one night where we were in bed,
and she was asleep.
324
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,910
I was reading a book. She's asleep.
325
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:02,581
So, I figure, all right, I'm done getting
in trouble today. Today I'm, today's over.
326
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:04,625
Yeah, and...
327
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:07,544
And she wakes up.
328
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:09,508
She wakes up, and she looks at me,
and she goes,
329
00:18:09,546 --> 00:18:10,422
"What are you doing?"
330
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:13,026
I said, "I got the book, remember?
I told you, I got this book."
331
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:17,054
Yeah, and she just looks and goes,
"I thought we were gonna talk?"
332
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,808
And I said,
"Well, I mean, you fell asleep."
333
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:22,917
And she looks and me, and she goes,
334
00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:26,522
"I fall asleep, so right away,
you pick up a book."
335
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:30,609
No, c'mon, no, ladies. No, ladies, no.
336
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:34,071
Don't laugh. Please don't laugh at that.
337
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:36,824
Please don't... Just tell me...
338
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:37,907
Just tell me...
339
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,911
what in shit hell does that mean?
340
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,914
What do you...
How do you converse with that?
341
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:44,997
What do you say?
342
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:47,667
Here's what it is.
343
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:48,794
I figured it out.
344
00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:53,423
Here's, if you're newlyweds or whatever,
or engaged,
345
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,009
if you wanna be happy,
you have to know one thing.
346
00:18:56,301 --> 00:19:02,057
Women really want you to focus on them
every waking moment.
347
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:04,184
Yes, but there is more, there's more.
348
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,895
Because, then, when they sleep,
349
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,107
you should sketch them.
350
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:13,443
You don't open a book.
351
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:14,862
You don't open a book.
352
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:19,241
You take a sketch pad out, and you...
353
00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:21,326
Ha-ho-ho-ho-ha-ha-ha...
354
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,538
And then if she wakes up,
"Look what I drew.
355
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:26,539
I drew you.
356
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:27,582
I drew you.
357
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:30,627
I'll put this... I'll hang this up."
358
00:19:32,045 --> 00:19:32,880
Incredible.
359
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,424
Any newlyweds? Any engaged people,
newlyweds, anything?
360
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:36,592
What? What are ya?
361
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:38,886
- Just go married a month ago.
- A month ago!
362
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:40,094
Whoa.
363
00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:45,641
Where...
364
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:49,146
Where was your bachelor party?
Do you... are you...?
365
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:50,229
Nashville.
366
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:53,108
Nashville and Miami? Do you know...
Do you really know the details?
367
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,694
Let's not, no...
Let's not even get into it.
368
00:19:57,237 --> 00:19:58,597
'Cause you don't know the details.
369
00:19:58,655 --> 00:19:59,990
I know the details.
370
00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:03,535
I know you know the details,
but you don't know the details.
371
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,122
No, nah, who cares?
372
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,458
You're having fun. You're good.
373
00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:13,503
My friend... The other day,
I saw this old guy, old buddy,
374
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,964
and we started swapping
bachelor party stories.
375
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,716
I don't know why guys do this.
376
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:21,220
Anyway, I told him mine,
and he started his with...
377
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:24,306
"Well, you gotta remember,
this was before AIDS."
378
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:25,974
And I knew, oh...
379
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,228
I knew right away...
380
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,440
you're gonna have
a better story than I did.
381
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:36,943
Yeah.
382
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,820
Your ears perk up.
383
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,407
Your ears perk when someone
starts a story like that.
384
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,994
Even if it sounds boring.
385
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:49,957
"Did I ever tell you
I went candle shopping in Vermont?"
386
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,166
Oh boy, I'm out.
387
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,584
"This was before AIDS."
388
00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,378
I'm back in. What happened?
389
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:56,713
Come over here, guys.
390
00:20:57,714 --> 00:20:59,174
This is gonna have a twist.
391
00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:04,263
What happened in the candle shop?
392
00:21:09,226 --> 00:21:10,394
He's a weird dude, man.
393
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,607
He sends me these websites.
He sent me a website.
394
00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:19,736
He likes to send perverted websites.
He sent this website...
395
00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:23,532
Guys who can orally satisfy themselves.
396
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:24,783
Yes.
397
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:25,950
Yes.
398
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,288
It's always like a mixed reaction.
399
00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:36,044
It is, 'cause women are like, "Mm..."
And men are like, "Hm."
400
00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:41,091
Yeah, you wonder. It's a conundrum.
401
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:44,136
You don't want... By the way, men.
402
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:47,764
You don't want that. You don't want it.
You don't want it.
403
00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:53,061
'Cause listen, how would we stop?
Seriously, how would we stop?
404
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:57,774
We have so little self-control as it is.
405
00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,818
Your wife wouldn't go out in public.
406
00:21:59,943 --> 00:22:03,947
You... every guy would have to wear
the cone that dogs wear around their neck.
407
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:07,451
Before the wife would go out with ya.
408
00:22:08,910 --> 00:22:11,330
And they would share their horror stories.
409
00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:14,708
"I took him to the bank without the cone.
I turn my head for one minute.
410
00:22:14,791 --> 00:22:16,043
I turn my head.
411
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:19,087
I don't understand it. He's an animal."
412
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:23,759
"I tried the pepper.
The pepper doesn't work!"
413
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:31,975
All right, well, good for you, sir.
414
00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:34,144
Be aware. Here's my next...
Here's my other tip.
415
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:37,773
Be aware of things.
You have to notice things.
416
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,152
Like if she gets a haircut,
you gotta notice it before she tells you.
417
00:22:42,652 --> 00:22:43,820
Yes, you do.
418
00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:47,657
Every three days, I say, "Nice haircut"
to my wife when she comes in.
419
00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:50,243
Every three days, I cover myself.
420
00:22:51,828 --> 00:22:55,207
It doesn't matter if you're wrong.
You don't lose points if you're wrong.
421
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,435
If you're wrong, if she says,
"I didn't get a haircut."
422
00:22:57,459 --> 00:23:00,605
You say, "You did something different."
They're always doing something different.
423
00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:01,880
Always something different!
424
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:05,050
You get a point. You get one.
You don't get five. You get one.
425
00:23:07,844 --> 00:23:11,014
Be aware. Try to avoid questions.
Questions get you in trouble.
426
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:14,893
Simple questions... Simple questions
used to get me in trouble.
427
00:23:14,976 --> 00:23:17,854
Like when we were going out,
"What dress looks better on me?"
428
00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:22,442
First of all, don't say, "I don't know,"
because that seems like you don't care.
429
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:24,111
Yeah, you gotta... pick one.
430
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:26,714
Although, ladies, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna let you in on a secret.
431
00:23:26,863 --> 00:23:27,697
We don't know.
432
00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:30,700
We don't really know.
433
00:23:32,035 --> 00:23:33,078
We don't even see a dress.
434
00:23:33,161 --> 00:23:36,039
It's just like pixelation
with your head on the top of it.
435
00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:38,750
We... We don't know!
436
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:40,877
We just want you to get in the car!
437
00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:42,003
Get in the car!
438
00:23:46,341 --> 00:23:48,343
But pick one, man. Pick one and go hard.
439
00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:52,097
"Oh, God, that one right there.
That's your dress."
440
00:23:52,848 --> 00:23:54,474
You got to sell it. You sell it.
441
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:56,935
Be careful. She may throw you.
442
00:23:57,018 --> 00:23:58,338
She may, "Oh, how come this one?"
443
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,955
Now you gotta pull something
out of your ass. Now you don't know.
444
00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:03,107
Now you gotta...
445
00:24:03,608 --> 00:24:06,486
stall. If you stall,
she'll answer it for you.
446
00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:08,905
Eventually, she'll answer it.
"It's 'cause of the fuchsia?
447
00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:10,449
Right? It's 'cause of the fuchsia?"
448
00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:12,969
Folks, I don't know what fuchsia is,
but it looks good on her.
449
00:24:12,993 --> 00:24:15,120
That's what I told her.
"Yes, it's fuchsia!"
450
00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:18,915
I thought it was a color, fabric...
I don't know. But I went with it hard.
451
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,419
We had the stupidest argument.
452
00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:26,381
Oh, God, I can't believe we're
in this argument.
453
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:29,342
It's a little too much info,
but I'll tell ya.
454
00:24:29,509 --> 00:24:31,344
I saw pubic hair in the wastebasket.
455
00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:34,973
I, I saw pubic hair in the wastebasket
456
00:24:35,056 --> 00:24:37,267
in our bathroom, and I called her on it.
457
00:24:37,350 --> 00:24:39,895
I said, "That's gross.
What're you doing, that's gross."
458
00:24:40,061 --> 00:24:41,897
And she was mad at me, so mad.
459
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:43,398
Not because I called her on it.
460
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:45,817
But because, apparently,
it wasn't pubic hair.
461
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:47,903
Apparently, she was clean her hairbrush.
462
00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:52,282
And, yeah, and she is pissed off
that I couldn't tell the difference.
463
00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:55,619
And I'll be honest.
464
00:24:56,286 --> 00:24:59,080
It was a tumbleweed ball of hair in there.
I didn't think it through.
465
00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:00,874
I did not think in through.
466
00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:04,377
And she will not let it go now.
467
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:07,005
She is, "Do you ever look?
Do you look at me ever?
468
00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:09,841
What do you, what do you think,
I have sheep shears and I just...
469
00:25:11,426 --> 00:25:13,136
What the hell is wrong with you?
470
00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:16,306
What're you watching 70s porn all day?
471
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,896
How 'bout the color? What, do I highlight
my pubes? Is that what I do now?"
472
00:25:27,943 --> 00:25:30,195
I don't know why she's so mad.
What do I...?
473
00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:34,032
Last thing.
474
00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:37,369
A couple months ago, I got Netflix,
and I started watching these movies.
475
00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:39,829
Please somebody tell me
they saw this movie.
476
00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:41,753
It was about two years ago,
this movie Everest.
477
00:25:41,831 --> 00:25:42,832
I just saw it.
478
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:44,584
Okay, see, not a lot of people.
479
00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:45,876
I wish you did.
480
00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:48,129
I wish you did
because I wanna talk to people
481
00:25:48,213 --> 00:25:50,674
about the most unbelievable scene
that I saw.
482
00:25:51,049 --> 00:25:53,510
It's a true story,
the climbing of Mt. Everest. Okay.
483
00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:55,929
This scene...
They're sitting around the campfire.
484
00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:57,055
They're waiting to go up.
485
00:25:57,138 --> 00:25:59,599
They're at, like, base camp two,
whatever it is.
486
00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:03,937
And Josh Brolin's character
looks at the other guys and go...
487
00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:06,982
He goes, "Hey, guys,
I feel a little guilty, you know?
488
00:26:07,524 --> 00:26:09,651
Forgot to tell my wife I was doing this."
489
00:26:10,026 --> 00:26:12,237
I had to rewind.
I had to rewind the thing.
490
00:26:13,446 --> 00:26:15,365
I swear to God, I rewound it.
491
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:17,867
He forgot to tell his wife...
492
00:26:18,952 --> 00:26:22,205
he's climbing Mt. Everest.
493
00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:25,500
Let me tell you something.
494
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:28,420
My wife is constantly telling me,
495
00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:31,840
"You're the worst communicating husband
in the world."
496
00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:34,175
No, I'm not.
497
00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:35,552
No, I'm not.
498
00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:37,929
I found a guy.
499
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:44,436
I found the Babe Ruth
of non-communication.
500
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:49,274
What could you do worse?
What is they're bigger in life?
501
00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:50,650
What could...
502
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:54,779
I guess if Neil Armstrong's wife
was watching the moon landing...
503
00:26:55,238 --> 00:26:57,282
"Is... Is that Neil?
504
00:26:57,365 --> 00:26:58,365
Is Neil...?
505
00:26:58,950 --> 00:26:59,950
Is...
506
00:27:00,535 --> 00:27:03,705
Is... Is Daddy,
is that Daddy on the moon?"
507
00:27:07,584 --> 00:27:11,504
All right, thanks for being one-half
of my special.
508
00:27:12,422 --> 00:27:13,673
Appreciate it. Thank you.
509
00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:32,359
Ray Romano, everybody!
Let him hear it!
510
00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:38,657
Ooooooh!
511
00:27:42,285 --> 00:27:44,829
- Good job, Ray.
- Hey, man, I'll see you. Thanks, man.
512
00:27:47,332 --> 00:27:49,876
- That was a great show!
- Which one?
513
00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:52,045
- The one just now!
- How'd you get up here?
514
00:27:52,128 --> 00:27:54,928
How'd I get up here? I went to the
bathroom. I heard part of your show.
515
00:27:55,006 --> 00:27:55,840
Okay.
516
00:27:55,924 --> 00:27:57,924
You're the reason
I watch all your repeats.
517
00:27:57,967 --> 00:27:59,344
Appreciate it. Thank you.
518
00:28:09,813 --> 00:28:10,647
Hello.
519
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:11,814
Hello.
520
00:28:15,819 --> 00:28:17,404
All right, I got a few minutes.
521
00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:18,905
Wait a minute, do I?
522
00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:26,413
I got eight minutes.
523
00:28:27,789 --> 00:28:29,124
That was... fun.
524
00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:32,418
Small crowd.
525
00:28:33,002 --> 00:28:35,171
- Yo, what's happening?
- How are you?
526
00:28:35,630 --> 00:28:37,799
- What's happening?
- No, how are you?
527
00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:40,260
I'm fucking great!
528
00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:41,385
You are.
529
00:28:48,435 --> 00:28:49,435
All right.
530
00:29:04,284 --> 00:29:06,161
- Watch your back!
- Ray Romano.
531
00:29:06,327 --> 00:29:07,746
How are ya, man? How are ya?
532
00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:10,290
- Ray Romano.
- Yes, sir.
533
00:29:12,208 --> 00:29:13,208
He's mocking me.
534
00:29:22,135 --> 00:29:23,535
- Hey, buddy.
- How's it going, man?
535
00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:25,221
How are ya, man, good to see ya.
536
00:29:27,432 --> 00:29:28,432
What's up?
537
00:29:29,559 --> 00:29:30,559
How are they?
538
00:29:30,643 --> 00:29:33,813
- It's good, really good, Ray.
- Really? Cool. Cool, cool.
539
00:29:34,647 --> 00:29:35,648
I'm gonna head down.
540
00:29:39,152 --> 00:29:41,321
Twelve weeks of that, just sipping tea.
541
00:29:41,446 --> 00:29:42,781
Twelve weeks sipping tea.
542
00:29:42,906 --> 00:29:45,092
I got so angry.
What came out of me, I couldn't help it.
543
00:29:45,116 --> 00:29:47,577
I was like,
"I don't want some tea anymore, okay?
544
00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:49,537
I wanna sit on your face."
545
00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:54,626
"Tea time is over."
546
00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:58,021
All right, you guy's have been awesome!
547
00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:11,810
Marina Franklin, everybody!
Marina Franklin, everybody!
548
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:15,188
And... you guys ready for a treat?
549
00:30:15,855 --> 00:30:19,025
My favorite comic has stopped by
for a little while.
550
00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:22,612
Clap your hands everybody, for Ray Romano!
Ray...
551
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:26,199
Romano, everybody!
552
00:30:39,379 --> 00:30:40,964
All right, easy.
553
00:30:42,131 --> 00:30:43,131
Slow it up.
554
00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:45,009
Slow it up.
555
00:30:45,718 --> 00:30:47,178
Pace... Pace.
556
00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:49,972
Wow.
557
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,433
Thank you so much.
558
00:30:52,892 --> 00:30:54,352
Good to be here. Good to be back.
559
00:30:54,435 --> 00:30:56,813
This is where all started, folks,
long time ago.
560
00:31:00,066 --> 00:31:04,404
It all started right here...
around the corner.
561
00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:09,826
Here, over there. You know what I mean.
562
00:31:11,494 --> 00:31:12,579
All right.
563
00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:14,122
What do we do? Let's talk.
564
00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:17,333
You know what? First, I wanna do...
I wanna use you people
565
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:18,417
for therapy.
566
00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:21,796
Now, I do, I feel guilty.
I have a guilt thing going on.
567
00:31:22,797 --> 00:31:25,466
I... I, I killed a spider.
568
00:31:25,842 --> 00:31:28,177
I know, hear me out.
I know we all do it.
569
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:31,681
But here's why.
It was in my shower, big spider.
570
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:33,892
Here's why I feel guilty.
571
00:31:34,309 --> 00:31:35,727
I didn't have to kill him.
572
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:37,060
But...
573
00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:39,272
He saw me masturbating.
574
00:31:48,031 --> 00:31:50,450
I think men know the dilemma here.
575
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:54,621
No witnesses, nobody...
576
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:58,207
It's a spider.
He's not gonna say anything.
577
00:31:59,042 --> 00:32:01,044
But why take the chance?
Why really...?
578
00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:05,048
And here's why I feel bad. I killed him...
579
00:32:05,715 --> 00:32:07,091
and then I told you anyway.
580
00:32:07,175 --> 00:32:08,551
I told you anyway.
581
00:32:10,094 --> 00:32:11,554
He died in vain.
582
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:17,017
All right.
583
00:32:18,019 --> 00:32:19,520
Sorry for the cameras.
584
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:23,191
Netflix gave me a comedy special,
585
00:32:23,274 --> 00:32:25,026
and I decided to do it here
586
00:32:25,109 --> 00:32:27,403
at my home club. You're... yeah.
587
00:32:30,239 --> 00:32:33,159
Little pressure.
Little pressure on you people now.
588
00:32:33,993 --> 00:32:34,993
You're on the spot.
589
00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:39,040
I saw a woman in a supermarket.
590
00:32:39,540 --> 00:32:41,000
This I have to share with you.
591
00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:43,812
There was a woman in the supermarket,
and she was yelling at this kid.
592
00:32:43,836 --> 00:32:45,046
He was a five-year-old kid.
593
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:46,547
Or five or whatever... four.
594
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:48,257
And she's yelling at him,
595
00:32:48,341 --> 00:32:49,467
and I got four kids.
596
00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:51,552
So, when I see that,
597
00:32:52,220 --> 00:32:53,471
I go over there...
598
00:32:54,263 --> 00:32:56,182
and I yell at that kid with that woman.
599
00:32:56,265 --> 00:33:00,728
I do. I yell. I don't have
to know anything. I don't need facts.
600
00:33:01,729 --> 00:33:02,897
That's a bad kid.
601
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:06,484
That is... I don't know what he's doing,
but he's being wrong.
602
00:33:08,069 --> 00:33:09,237
But this woman,
603
00:33:09,862 --> 00:33:11,030
she scared me a little.
604
00:33:11,197 --> 00:33:13,908
He had, like, a candy bar,
and he wouldn't put it back.
605
00:33:14,158 --> 00:33:16,494
And I could tell she was reaching
the end of her rope,
606
00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:17,777
and she looks at him and goes,
607
00:33:17,829 --> 00:33:19,747
"I'm giving you to the count of two."
608
00:33:21,207 --> 00:33:24,168
Listen to me.
I don't care if you have kids or not.
609
00:33:25,044 --> 00:33:28,798
I think we all know,
three is the number you give a child.
610
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:34,095
Three is the humane, accepted number.
611
00:33:35,471 --> 00:33:38,016
It's international.
People from other countries,
612
00:33:38,099 --> 00:33:40,018
I don't care what language you speak.
613
00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:43,479
You could... You could be from a tribe
that uses sounds!
614
00:33:43,563 --> 00:33:45,815
You're giving your kid three.
You're giving him...
615
00:33:46,899 --> 00:33:50,153
That's what this..
Your kid would get three clucks
616
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:54,824
to, to... to get away from the quicksand
or whatever the hell he's doing.
617
00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:58,870
It was sad. He had two!
618
00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:01,640
He didn't know what to...
He wouldn't have made it to the rack,
619
00:34:01,664 --> 00:34:03,166
the candy rack, by two.
620
00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:05,835
He would've had to hand it off
to some kid who had three.
621
00:34:05,918 --> 00:34:08,921
"Take it the rest of the way, help me.
This is a crazy woman."
622
00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:17,221
We have parents, there's parents here,
right? I can tell, yeah.
623
00:34:18,347 --> 00:34:19,724
Who's got the young kids?
624
00:34:19,807 --> 00:34:22,287
Who's got the four and five...?
What do you got? You're... you?
625
00:34:23,061 --> 00:34:23,936
What do you got?
626
00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:25,706
- Four-year-old.
- Got a four-year-old?
627
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:27,023
But you're, like, eleven.
628
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:29,859
Thirty-nine!
629
00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:32,320
- You're forty-nine?
- Thirty-nine.
630
00:34:32,487 --> 00:34:33,488
Oh, I was gonna say...
631
00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:37,784
If you were forty-nine,
I was gonna end my show right there.
632
00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:40,202
'Cause that...
633
00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:43,372
It's not old, man, you're young.
634
00:34:43,706 --> 00:34:44,749
This is, yes?
635
00:34:44,832 --> 00:34:45,832
- Yes.
- Okay.
636
00:34:46,209 --> 00:34:47,293
Remember, we can cut.
637
00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:52,877
- So, you got a four-year-old what? Boy?
- Boy.
638
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:54,092
Does he nap still?
639
00:34:54,509 --> 00:34:56,320
- Sure.
- Oh, so, you have that, at least.
640
00:34:56,344 --> 00:34:59,055
Yeah. Four years old, still naps.
That's, that's lucky.
641
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:04,268
Yeah, my kids are old, man, they don't...
They're conscious all day. Yeah.
642
00:35:08,231 --> 00:35:09,732
I used to love the nap.
643
00:35:10,691 --> 00:35:13,528
I used to love the little tricks, too,
to get 'em to nap.
644
00:35:13,986 --> 00:35:19,534
Every parent knows the, the car seat
is your best friend... or your enemy.
645
00:35:19,826 --> 00:35:22,787
The car seat's your enemy
when you don't want 'em to nap.
646
00:35:22,870 --> 00:35:25,498
It's, now it's dinner time.
You're driving home from the park.
647
00:35:25,581 --> 00:35:28,209
You're, like, "Holy shit,
if he falls asleep now,
648
00:35:28,334 --> 00:35:31,921
I'm gonna have to do a puppet show
at midnight for this kid, you watch."
649
00:35:33,172 --> 00:35:35,734
And then you look in the mirror
and you see the little head there.
650
00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:38,094
The little... Like, "Oh, no!"
651
00:35:38,177 --> 00:35:39,262
"Oh, no!"
652
00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:41,722
La-la-la-la!
653
00:35:43,432 --> 00:35:44,432
Oh, no.
654
00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:47,436
You know what I did? I kept a water gun
in the glove compartment.
655
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:48,520
"He ain't sleeping."
656
00:35:48,646 --> 00:35:49,730
"He ain't sleeping."
657
00:35:50,690 --> 00:35:54,819
I wanna watch Cake Wars later on.
He's not sleeping, this kid.
658
00:35:58,322 --> 00:36:00,741
Is this like a vacation... thing?
659
00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:02,410
Little night out? Little...
660
00:36:02,493 --> 00:36:03,703
I mean, overnight thing?
661
00:36:03,786 --> 00:36:05,946
'Cause when you got,
I know when you have little kids,
662
00:36:05,997 --> 00:36:07,874
you gotta get the overnight thing.
663
00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:12,044
We would go... My mom would come over,
we would go like on a thing overnight,
664
00:36:12,211 --> 00:36:15,089
because you can't do anything.
I had three kids under the age of three.
665
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:16,173
I had twins.
666
00:36:16,257 --> 00:36:18,676
Yes, nothing. Nothing.
No sex, no nothing.
667
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:22,221
And when we would go away,
my wife knew I would get overexcited.
668
00:36:22,722 --> 00:36:24,515
Like, we'd get to the hotel,
and she'd say,
669
00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:28,352
"Can we, can we please not have sex
the moment we get in the room?"
670
00:36:29,228 --> 00:36:30,354
'Cause she would know.
671
00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:33,858
She's unzipping luggage,
and I'm naked in my socks already.
672
00:36:35,234 --> 00:36:36,234
"Nobody's here."
673
00:36:36,402 --> 00:36:37,820
"Nobody's here."
674
00:36:40,489 --> 00:36:42,366
She knew. She would ignore me.
675
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:45,703
She'd go down to the pool.
I would just wait in the room.
676
00:36:49,373 --> 00:36:51,292
You know, I'd hear the guy
in the next room.
677
00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:52,960
"Me, too, buddy. Me, too."
678
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:55,171
"Good luck, man."
679
00:36:55,963 --> 00:36:57,048
"Good luck, buddy."
680
00:37:02,762 --> 00:37:07,600
Vacation sex, by the way,
that's the best sex there is. Yeah.
681
00:37:10,144 --> 00:37:12,396
For a guy, vacation sex is the best.
682
00:37:13,481 --> 00:37:16,234
I'll tell you why.
There's less pressure on the guy...
683
00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:19,111
during vacation sex,
because even if he's...
684
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:21,364
even if he doesn't perform,
685
00:37:21,822 --> 00:37:23,491
even if he's disappointing...
686
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:25,493
She's on vacation.
687
00:37:27,453 --> 00:37:28,453
She'll get over it.
688
00:37:28,496 --> 00:37:29,497
She'll get over it.
689
00:37:30,831 --> 00:37:32,708
She'll be like, "Well, that wasn't fun."
690
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:33,918
But there's fun coming up.
691
00:37:34,001 --> 00:37:35,169
There's fun coming up.
692
00:37:37,630 --> 00:37:39,298
But what has she got at home?
693
00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:42,969
You know what I would do
694
00:37:43,052 --> 00:37:44,387
I... for home sex?
695
00:37:44,470 --> 00:37:47,390
I'd keep a little treat under the bed.
Just put a little something.
696
00:37:47,473 --> 00:37:48,808
Just a little something.
697
00:37:49,183 --> 00:37:53,938
This way, you come up a little short,
and you're like, "Honey, jello! Jello!"
698
00:37:56,524 --> 00:37:58,276
Yes, put jello, man.
699
00:37:59,568 --> 00:38:03,239
Put jello, 'cause then it's incentive
to you, because then if you're good,
700
00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:07,576
that's your jello, man. She ain't getting
anything. She don't get none of that.
701
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:09,578
That's your little reward...
702
00:38:12,915 --> 00:38:16,419
It's hard when you're married, man.
It's hard having... sex with kids.
703
00:38:16,502 --> 00:38:18,087
It's hard after you're married.
704
00:38:18,337 --> 00:38:20,756
You're very seldom in the mood
at the same time.
705
00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:23,092
And by that I mean...
706
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:24,885
her being in the mood.
707
00:38:28,097 --> 00:38:29,724
It's true. I know it's a cliche.
708
00:38:29,807 --> 00:38:33,185
But if you had a chart,
it would just be men, you know,
709
00:38:33,269 --> 00:38:34,729
in the mood...
710
00:38:35,896 --> 00:38:37,440
And women just... beep!
711
00:38:40,192 --> 00:38:42,737
Beep! "Oh, no, I made a mistake.
I made a mistake."
712
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:48,868
Alcohol helps.
713
00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:52,121
But there's a very small window of time.
714
00:38:53,748 --> 00:38:56,292
'Cause alcohol goes
from putting her in the mood
715
00:38:56,375 --> 00:38:58,836
to putting her to sleep, very fast.
716
00:38:59,253 --> 00:39:01,672
Yeah, if we're at a party
and she's had a few drinks,
717
00:39:01,756 --> 00:39:03,424
I... I know I gotta get home
718
00:39:03,507 --> 00:39:04,707
if I want something to happen.
719
00:39:04,759 --> 00:39:07,720
I gotta, I gotta find a shortcut.
I can't, you know, I got... no traffic.
720
00:39:07,803 --> 00:39:08,679
I'm watching her.
721
00:39:08,763 --> 00:39:12,808
I got the water gun in my hand, you know.
I'm just, like, showing it to her.
722
00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:16,312
You gotta get home.
723
00:39:16,562 --> 00:39:18,564
If a married couple ever tells you,
724
00:39:18,981 --> 00:39:21,567
"We had sex in the car the other night,"
725
00:39:22,318 --> 00:39:24,403
they're not trying to relive their youth.
726
00:39:25,029 --> 00:39:27,740
That guy was running out of time.
That's what happened.
727
00:39:28,949 --> 00:39:33,662
That guy hit some traffic,
and he pulled into a Costco parking lot.
728
00:39:34,663 --> 00:39:35,748
He called an audible.
729
00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:40,419
By the way, morning sex...
730
00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:43,339
I have my highest batting averages
in the morning.
731
00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:46,092
No, it really is.
732
00:39:46,926 --> 00:39:49,929
She doesn't say no as much,
'cause she can't say she's tired.
733
00:39:50,012 --> 00:39:51,347
Right? She can't say that.
734
00:39:52,181 --> 00:39:54,308
No, she can't.
She's had eight hours sleep.
735
00:39:55,810 --> 00:39:57,311
I watched the last two of 'em.
736
00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:05,069
Right? And also in her head,
she's thinking,
737
00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:06,612
"I'm gonna shower anyway."
738
00:40:06,695 --> 00:40:07,947
"I'm gonna shower, right?
739
00:40:09,156 --> 00:40:10,491
Plus, you're not in focus.
740
00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:12,701
She can't even see you,
really, yet. You...
741
00:40:13,828 --> 00:40:16,038
She could squint you into Bon Jovi.
742
00:40:21,585 --> 00:40:22,753
How long you married for?
743
00:40:22,837 --> 00:40:24,356
- You're married, yes?
- We're not married.
744
00:40:24,380 --> 00:40:26,441
- You're not married, okay.
- It's a long story.
745
00:40:26,465 --> 00:40:29,844
It's all right. Whatever.
We're here, and we're all having fun.
746
00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:38,578
- Well, you've been together, for a while.
- Four years.
747
00:40:38,602 --> 00:40:39,602
Yes, okay.
748
00:40:40,104 --> 00:40:41,939
When you've been married
for a longer time...
749
00:40:42,022 --> 00:40:44,692
Here's the good thing
about being married for a while.
750
00:40:45,401 --> 00:40:49,196
If I get turned down or whatever it is,
nobody's feelings are hurt.
751
00:40:49,738 --> 00:40:52,366
You don't have to spare
anybody's feelings. My wife...
752
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:55,619
I know right away, I know right away
if it's gonna happen or not.
753
00:40:56,036 --> 00:40:58,789
And she's very succinct.
She doesn't waste words.
754
00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:01,167
Here's my favorite turndown I ever had.
755
00:41:01,709 --> 00:41:04,670
We were in bed. It was the morning,
she was facing that way.
756
00:41:05,504 --> 00:41:09,758
She's not even looking at me.
And I was like, I'll give it a shot.
757
00:41:10,301 --> 00:41:12,761
I'll give it a shot. I make a move.
758
00:41:13,471 --> 00:41:15,222
Here's my move. Here's my big move.
759
00:41:15,556 --> 00:41:17,600
Take my arm, put it on her shoulder.
760
00:41:17,683 --> 00:41:19,143
That's it. That's all it is.
761
00:41:19,852 --> 00:41:23,606
That's all I need.
She knows exactly what's going on.
762
00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:27,776
It's the morning. I'm touching her.
If I'm touching her in the morning...
763
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:30,237
Come on, it can only mean one thing.
764
00:41:30,571 --> 00:41:32,948
And here's how I knew
it wasn't gonna happen.
765
00:41:33,032 --> 00:41:35,326
As soon as my hand hit her shoulder,
766
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:38,579
she didn't even turn.
She just said, "What's your problem?"
767
00:41:38,746 --> 00:41:39,580
Okay.
768
00:41:42,708 --> 00:41:43,708
It's one motion.
769
00:41:44,585 --> 00:41:47,713
Remote control, keep your head down,
follow through quick.
770
00:41:49,340 --> 00:41:50,340
Yeah.
771
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:51,926
But who cares?
772
00:41:53,844 --> 00:41:54,844
Nobody's hurt.
773
00:41:57,139 --> 00:41:59,058
It's hard, sex with kids and marriage.
774
00:42:00,768 --> 00:42:06,482
I had TV sex.
I had... I had my first real sex scene.
775
00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:09,485
I mean, my first real sex scene
a little while back
776
00:42:09,568 --> 00:42:11,946
on a show on HBO called Vinyl,
which nobody saw.
777
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:14,907
No, nobody saw. It got canceled.
778
00:42:16,700 --> 00:42:19,411
Thank you. But yeah, I wish...
There should be more.
779
00:42:21,664 --> 00:42:22,664
But anyway...
780
00:42:24,667 --> 00:42:27,503
It was intense.
I mean, it was the real deal.
781
00:42:27,586 --> 00:42:29,046
There was nudity, everything.
782
00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:32,341
In hindsight, that's probably
why nobody saw the show.
783
00:42:32,424 --> 00:42:34,426
That's probably...
If you think about it,
784
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,971
who want's to see...
Nobody wants to see that.
785
00:42:37,513 --> 00:42:40,849
Even Netflix told me. When they gave me
the special, they said, "No nudity."
786
00:42:40,933 --> 00:42:43,352
I'm like, "Why do you...?
I'm doing stand-up."
787
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,437
"Okay, but still, don't... nothing..."
788
00:42:48,857 --> 00:42:52,903
But this was on HBO, and it was scary.
Scared out of my wits.
789
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:56,907
Intense, nervous.
You know, you're simulating sex.
790
00:42:57,616 --> 00:42:58,616
It's not real.
791
00:42:59,785 --> 00:43:00,953
But he don't know that.
792
00:43:04,498 --> 00:43:05,666
No, he don't know that.
793
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:07,584
He's not an actor.
794
00:43:10,754 --> 00:43:13,757
It's like playing a prank on a guy
over and over again.
795
00:43:14,049 --> 00:43:18,429
It's like ringing a doorbell
and running away... to your crotch.
796
00:43:21,140 --> 00:43:24,184
I got worried he wouldn't show up.
Like the Boy Who Cried Wolf.
797
00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:25,430
Like when I really want him,
798
00:43:25,477 --> 00:43:27,717
he'd be, "I ain't falling
for that one again. I'm not..."
799
00:43:28,355 --> 00:43:29,690
How much can a guy take?
800
00:43:31,317 --> 00:43:33,319
Are you gonna have more kids, you think?
801
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:35,571
- You got the boy, right?
- Yeah.
802
00:43:35,654 --> 00:43:37,031
Yeah, I had the girl first.
803
00:43:37,239 --> 00:43:41,035
My youngest is a boy.
I have a 16-year-old boy in the house.
804
00:43:41,452 --> 00:43:42,661
Anybody got a teenager?
805
00:43:43,829 --> 00:43:47,041
No? You probably do,
but you don't have the energy to say it.
806
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:53,839
I don't know how to describe this kid.
I really don't.
807
00:43:54,381 --> 00:43:55,674
He brags about things...
808
00:43:56,050 --> 00:43:57,343
you shouldn't admit to.
809
00:43:59,219 --> 00:44:02,389
The other day, he walked
through the kitchen, and he looks at us...
810
00:44:02,765 --> 00:44:04,308
"Haven't showered in four days."
811
00:44:06,977 --> 00:44:10,064
Just likes to hurt us.
He really likes to hurt us.
812
00:44:13,317 --> 00:44:15,527
And he's big. He's six-five, my son.
813
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:16,904
Yeah.
814
00:44:16,987 --> 00:44:18,107
Yeah, and he doesn't shower.
815
00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:21,158
There's a lot going on, man.
816
00:44:21,241 --> 00:44:22,241
There's a lot going on.
817
00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:24,370
Yeah, he's big.
818
00:44:24,453 --> 00:44:25,913
Plays varsity basketball.
819
00:44:26,914 --> 00:44:27,914
I'm not bragging.
820
00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:29,832
He's not that good.
821
00:44:31,168 --> 00:44:33,921
He's not that good.
He's all right.
822
00:44:34,755 --> 00:44:35,755
He'll get better.
823
00:44:37,007 --> 00:44:39,194
He played with a kid...
He played one year with this kid
824
00:44:39,218 --> 00:44:41,845
who got drafted yesterday
in the NBA, Aaron Holliday.
825
00:44:42,137 --> 00:44:43,137
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
826
00:44:43,514 --> 00:44:44,848
Yeah, he got to play with him.
827
00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:46,517
This was cool.
828
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:50,187
The trainer called our house once,
and said Aaron bit Joe in the forehead.
829
00:44:50,270 --> 00:44:54,108
They were going up for a layup.
Aaron's teeth went into Joe's head.
830
00:44:54,775 --> 00:44:57,712
And my wife got, you know, she's upset.
"Oh, no, he's gonna need stitches."
831
00:44:57,736 --> 00:44:59,238
And then she got mad at me...
832
00:44:59,488 --> 00:45:02,700
because all I could think was,
maybe it's like a Spider-Man bite.
833
00:45:02,825 --> 00:45:03,659
Maybe...
834
00:45:05,369 --> 00:45:06,412
Maybe...
835
00:45:07,705 --> 00:45:09,790
I start going to the games now.
836
00:45:12,376 --> 00:45:14,086
Maybe Joe can dunk now.
837
00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:17,631
At six-foot-five.
838
00:45:18,924 --> 00:45:20,342
God forbid he jumps
839
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,302
four inches off the ground.
840
00:45:23,762 --> 00:45:25,556
And dunks for his father.
841
00:45:28,892 --> 00:45:30,394
Make an effort, Joe!
842
00:45:34,398 --> 00:45:35,441
And now he drives.
843
00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:38,485
Why do we give 16-year-olds licenses?
844
00:45:38,694 --> 00:45:41,155
My son doesn't care about anything.
845
00:45:41,697 --> 00:45:44,575
He called me the other day, he's like,
"Hey dad, I'm in the car.
846
00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:47,995
Yeah, I don't know. I guess,
I guess I'm outta gas right now."
847
00:45:48,078 --> 00:45:50,247
I went...
848
00:45:51,248 --> 00:45:53,876
"What do you mean you don't know, Joe?
Are you moving?"
849
00:45:55,169 --> 00:45:56,420
"Is the car moving?"
850
00:45:57,588 --> 00:45:58,630
"I'm not moving.
851
00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:02,509
I'm not moving. I put my foot
on the pedal, I'm not going anywhere."
852
00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:08,974
"All right, where are you, Joe?"
And he's very calm now. He's la-di-da.
853
00:46:09,141 --> 00:46:13,312
"I'm here. I'm on the 101."
The 101 is a five-lane highway.
854
00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:19,485
Nothing! So, I assume like anybody would,
"Oh, you're on the side of the road now?"
855
00:46:19,985 --> 00:46:23,280
- "No, I'm in the middle lane right now."
- "What do you mean, Joe!"
856
00:46:23,739 --> 00:46:25,282
Where's the urgency!
857
00:46:29,077 --> 00:46:31,079
And I swear to you, this is the exchange,
858
00:46:31,163 --> 00:46:33,749
'cause I'm panicking now.
"What's the traffic like?"
859
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:37,419
"Well, behind me, it's bad,
but it's moving in front of me."
860
00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:38,921
"I'm gonna kick your ass."
861
00:46:40,088 --> 00:46:42,174
"I'm gonna kick your ass, Joe,
'cause you need fear."
862
00:46:42,257 --> 00:46:43,801
"You need fear in your life."
863
00:46:48,013 --> 00:46:49,473
And my wife tries to spin it.
864
00:46:49,598 --> 00:46:51,683
You know, whatever he does,
she puts the spin on it.
865
00:46:51,767 --> 00:46:53,227
"Well, he doesn't panic. He's Zen."
866
00:46:53,393 --> 00:46:55,729
"He's a very Zen-like boy."
867
00:46:57,147 --> 00:47:00,192
"Like astronauts.
Maybe he'll be an astronaut one day."
868
00:47:00,901 --> 00:47:02,277
"Oh, you think so? Really?"
869
00:47:03,612 --> 00:47:05,322
"I don't wanna burst your bubble,
870
00:47:05,614 --> 00:47:09,117
but if he can't interpret the gas gauge
on a Mazda...
871
00:47:10,536 --> 00:47:12,538
Nah, he ain't getting
in the Space Shuttle.
872
00:47:12,621 --> 00:47:14,915
I'll tell ya right now, give that up."
873
00:47:17,376 --> 00:47:19,002
My kid is not an astronaut.
874
00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:23,674
Unless an astronaut bites him.
If an astronaut bites him...
875
00:47:24,883 --> 00:47:26,051
then we got a chance.
876
00:47:30,430 --> 00:47:31,430
Incredible.
877
00:47:32,724 --> 00:47:33,976
I think he does things...
878
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:36,562
just to get a reaction, really.
879
00:47:37,145 --> 00:47:38,689
My friend, the other day,
880
00:47:39,523 --> 00:47:43,861
said to me, "Hey, my son told me
that Joe is an ordained minister now."
881
00:47:43,944 --> 00:47:45,028
I'm like, "What?"
882
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:50,284
I guess online for, like, five bucks
or whatever...
883
00:47:51,243 --> 00:47:52,578
Here's what pissed me off.
884
00:47:53,161 --> 00:47:55,747
Not that he did it.
But when I asked him about it...
885
00:47:55,998 --> 00:48:00,002
I text him,
"Joe, are you an ordained minister?"
886
00:48:00,502 --> 00:48:01,962
And his reply?
887
00:48:02,671 --> 00:48:03,671
"Pretty much."
888
00:48:04,423 --> 00:48:06,675
I'm gonna punch you.
I'm gonna punch you, Joe.
889
00:48:06,758 --> 00:48:09,887
That's not the answer.
That's not how you answer that question.
890
00:48:11,263 --> 00:48:13,849
That's the answer to
"Did your rash go away?"
891
00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:21,356
"Pretty much. Pretty much,
I'm an ordained minister."
892
00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:26,236
And I have twins, also.
893
00:48:27,154 --> 00:48:30,282
Yes, and then I have my oldest,
is my daughter.
894
00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:32,576
We...
895
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:34,953
She has a nickname... the "Good One."
896
00:48:38,248 --> 00:48:40,250
They're all good. She just, you know...
897
00:48:40,375 --> 00:48:41,375
You know.
898
00:48:41,418 --> 00:48:42,252
She does things.
899
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:45,297
She does things. They don't do things.
900
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:46,632
That's the difference.
901
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:51,303
She goes... Straight A's...
She went to Penn. She...
902
00:48:51,970 --> 00:48:55,557
My daughter went to Penn.
We flew her from L.A. to Penn.
903
00:48:55,641 --> 00:48:58,602
The boys were, like, thirteen.
Identical twins.
904
00:48:58,769 --> 00:49:02,481
And, my wife did not want to bring 'em
because she was so emotional.
905
00:49:02,606 --> 00:49:04,816
She just wanted to share this.
But they came.
906
00:49:05,233 --> 00:49:06,401
Anyway,
907
00:49:06,485 --> 00:49:07,319
we're in the dorm.
908
00:49:07,402 --> 00:49:09,571
We're putting... We're getting her settled.
909
00:49:09,947 --> 00:49:11,782
And the boys are just being idiots,
you know?
910
00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:16,536
And, finally we have to say goodbye,
and it's emotional, and we leave.
911
00:49:16,745 --> 00:49:19,623
We go to this FedEx store.
We gotta ship something home.
912
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:23,794
And my wife turns to me and goes,
"I'm coming back next week, by myself."
913
00:49:24,586 --> 00:49:25,671
"By myself."
914
00:49:27,839 --> 00:49:31,468
And when your married for awhile,
and you hear that tone,
915
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:33,428
you don't even make eye contact really.
916
00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:35,931
You just kinda,
"I know, okay, you're coming by yourself."
917
00:49:36,598 --> 00:49:39,643
"You're staying with them.
You're staying with them."
918
00:49:42,062 --> 00:49:43,062
Stay with them.
919
00:49:43,105 --> 00:49:44,105
Stay with them.
920
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:46,858
And then she goes, "Look at 'em."
921
00:49:47,317 --> 00:49:49,069
And I look, and right at that moment,
922
00:49:49,361 --> 00:49:52,197
one of 'em had a traffic cone on his head.
923
00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:56,284
And the other was looking
down the top of it.
924
00:49:57,202 --> 00:49:59,538
And I wanted to laugh so hard.
925
00:50:00,789 --> 00:50:04,418
I had to stifle the biggest laugh.
926
00:50:05,043 --> 00:50:08,130
'Cause she's having a breakdown.
My wife's having a breakdown.
927
00:50:08,880 --> 00:50:10,800
I finally, I just put my arm
around her and I go,
928
00:50:10,841 --> 00:50:14,720
"Look, if it's any consolation, we're not
gonna have to make this trip for them."
929
00:50:14,803 --> 00:50:17,931
"They're not coming here.
They're not coming to Penn."
930
00:50:18,890 --> 00:50:20,684
"We're gonna get 'em an RV,
931
00:50:20,767 --> 00:50:22,936
and they're gonna live in the woods."
932
00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:26,198
"That's all right.
We'll know where they are.
933
00:50:26,314 --> 00:50:28,275
We'll pay for the electricity."
934
00:50:30,819 --> 00:50:33,864
It was unbelievable.
It was like sitcom timing.
935
00:50:33,947 --> 00:50:37,325
I wouldn't even write that in a sitcom
'cause it'd be too jokey.
936
00:50:37,409 --> 00:50:39,411
She goes, "Look at 'em! Traffic cone!"
937
00:50:41,788 --> 00:50:44,541
I don't know what a traffic cone was doing
in a FedEx store.
938
00:50:49,087 --> 00:50:52,132
For a couple weeks,
I tried to figure out...
939
00:50:52,674 --> 00:50:53,674
who's stupider?
940
00:50:53,717 --> 00:50:58,388
Which one of those two
is the stupider kid at the moment?
941
00:50:59,556 --> 00:51:01,516
And you know what? I thought it through.
942
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:04,311
It's the one wearing the cone.
It's the guy wearing it.
943
00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:06,563
He's the stupider one.
944
00:51:07,230 --> 00:51:12,277
Because the guy looking,
he's at least being inquisitive, you know?
945
00:51:13,987 --> 00:51:16,239
He's doing something. He's curious.
946
00:51:17,491 --> 00:51:19,117
Although, he's probably thinking,
947
00:51:19,201 --> 00:51:21,661
"Hey, where'd my brother go?
What's going on?"
948
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:27,209
"What's in here? Oh, stay where you are!
Stay where you are, Greg!"
949
00:51:29,044 --> 00:51:30,044
Unbelievable.
950
00:51:33,548 --> 00:51:36,927
All true. I'm not...
I haven't written any of this.
951
00:51:37,552 --> 00:51:41,348
I wish... I wish I could write this.
All of it.
952
00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:45,310
He's a, he's a fucking ordained minister.
953
00:51:47,437 --> 00:51:48,563
And he doesn't shower.
954
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:52,484
And he can marry you.
955
00:51:58,323 --> 00:51:59,658
I wish I was making it up.
956
00:52:01,785 --> 00:52:04,371
Then there's me. My poor wife.
Then there's me, too.
957
00:52:05,914 --> 00:52:06,915
I'm not, you know...
958
00:52:07,624 --> 00:52:08,750
My wife passed a...
959
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:11,628
The other day, my wife got
all of us together, all the men.
960
00:52:12,003 --> 00:52:14,506
And she passed a new ordinance
in the house.
961
00:52:14,589 --> 00:52:17,717
A new law. She said,
"I'm not answering any stupid questions."
962
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:20,554
She goes, "From now on,
if you ask me a question
963
00:52:20,637 --> 00:52:23,890
that you should know the answer,
I'm just walking away."
964
00:52:25,392 --> 00:52:27,185
And I was, like, whatever.
965
00:52:27,310 --> 00:52:30,188
You, know, I don't wanna show fear
in front of my kids.
966
00:52:32,566 --> 00:52:33,775
I'm not gonna show fear.
967
00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:38,196
I have an image for the boys.
968
00:52:39,364 --> 00:52:41,283
I didn't think about it. I let her go.
969
00:52:41,366 --> 00:52:42,242
And then the next day,
970
00:52:42,325 --> 00:52:44,887
I really didn't think about it
'tiI I couldn't find my sweatpants.
971
00:52:44,911 --> 00:52:47,664
I couldn't find my sweatpants,
and I was walking up to ask her,
972
00:52:47,747 --> 00:52:51,293
and then I stopped myself. I was, like,
"Oh, no, is this one of those?"
973
00:52:53,170 --> 00:52:55,797
And then I thought,
I can't live like this.
974
00:52:57,716 --> 00:53:00,385
And I just... Look, I said,
whatever happens, happens.
975
00:53:00,468 --> 00:53:02,387
I said, "I can't find my sweatpants."
976
00:53:02,470 --> 00:53:04,699
And she looked, and she didn't
say anything for a second.
977
00:53:04,723 --> 00:53:07,142
And I gotta admit,
my heart started beating a little faster.
978
00:53:07,767 --> 00:53:09,087
And then, finally, she just goes,
979
00:53:09,144 --> 00:53:11,605
"Check the dryer.
They're probably in the dryer."
980
00:53:11,688 --> 00:53:14,368
I go, "Okay." I walked away, I went,
"Phew, I got away. I got away."
981
00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:15,567
It worked, she scared me.
982
00:53:15,650 --> 00:53:17,485
I got away with it.
And then I thought...
983
00:53:18,111 --> 00:53:20,864
I can't ask her where the dryer is.
I gotta find the dryer.
984
00:53:21,573 --> 00:53:23,033
I gotta find that dryer.
985
00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:27,579
I gotta get the... We got the boys,
you know, we all talked about it.
986
00:53:27,662 --> 00:53:29,331
Nobody knew. Nobody really knew.
987
00:53:30,123 --> 00:53:32,250
We all went in separate directions.
988
00:53:38,590 --> 00:53:40,508
Got people from out of the country here.
989
00:53:40,967 --> 00:53:43,803
- Australia!
- Australia. Is this the first time?
990
00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:45,972
- No.
- You been coming here a lot?
991
00:53:46,806 --> 00:53:49,100
You love it, right?
How can you not love New York?
992
00:53:49,893 --> 00:53:52,520
Be careful. By the way, I grew up here.
993
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:56,066
I still haven't seen every weirdo
there is to see out there.
994
00:53:56,566 --> 00:53:57,567
They're fun weirdos.
995
00:53:58,109 --> 00:54:01,238
I had my favorite encounter the other day.
This one, I gotta tell you.
996
00:54:01,613 --> 00:54:03,657
My whole life I been here.
997
00:54:04,199 --> 00:54:06,117
And my favorite encounter
was the other day.
998
00:54:06,201 --> 00:54:07,827
I was walking, it was broad daylight.
999
00:54:07,911 --> 00:54:10,372
And this guys sees me,
and he comes running over, and he goes,
1000
00:54:10,455 --> 00:54:12,207
"I'll give you a blowjob for two dollars."
1001
00:54:12,749 --> 00:54:14,292
Yeah, and I was polite.
1002
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:16,169
First of all, be polite. Always be polite.
1003
00:54:16,711 --> 00:54:18,713
I was like,
"Hey, no thanks, man. That's okay.
1004
00:54:18,797 --> 00:54:21,925
And this is what got me.
He looks at me and goes, "Two dollars."
1005
00:54:22,133 --> 00:54:22,968
I'm like, "No."
1006
00:54:25,470 --> 00:54:28,682
"No, listen, buddy, you're not getting it,
man. You're not getting it."
1007
00:54:29,307 --> 00:54:31,768
I'm not haggling.
We're not haggling right now.
1008
00:54:33,311 --> 00:54:35,313
That's a good price. You can't go lower.
1009
00:54:36,439 --> 00:54:38,650
How can you go lower than two dollars?
1010
00:54:39,734 --> 00:54:43,196
It costs much more in my house,
I'm gonna tell you right now.
1011
00:54:47,200 --> 00:54:49,953
He couldn't believe it.
He goes, "They're two dollars."
1012
00:54:53,665 --> 00:54:55,875
He must've had a bad day.
That must've been a bad...
1013
00:54:55,959 --> 00:54:58,878
That's, that's a
going-out-of-business blowjob right there.
1014
00:54:59,212 --> 00:55:00,212
That's...
1015
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:04,301
That's a everything-must-go...
1016
00:55:08,638 --> 00:55:09,638
All right.
1017
00:55:11,266 --> 00:55:14,769
All right, last thing. This is gonna...
This might bum you out a little.
1018
00:55:15,854 --> 00:55:17,647
Yeah, maybe, I don't know.
It's about my dog.
1019
00:55:17,731 --> 00:55:19,441
I had to put my dog down.
1020
00:55:20,442 --> 00:55:21,943
I told ya. I warned ya.
1021
00:55:23,194 --> 00:55:24,195
Well, he's fourteen.
1022
00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:27,407
And... he saw me masturbating.
1023
00:55:27,824 --> 00:55:28,658
Yeah.
1024
00:55:30,744 --> 00:55:31,744
I have a hard rule.
1025
00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:35,290
I have a hard rule in my house.
1026
00:55:36,374 --> 00:55:41,171
Hey, thank you for being one half
of my Netflix special.
1027
00:55:42,005 --> 00:55:43,465
Thank you very much. Appreciate it.
1028
00:55:43,548 --> 00:55:44,549
Thank you.
1029
00:55:52,891 --> 00:55:58,188
Ray Romano, everybody!
Ray! Romano!
1030
00:56:04,778 --> 00:56:06,538
Holy shit,
you can go back and...
1031
00:56:06,613 --> 00:56:07,781
Guys, c'mon, let's go.
1032
00:56:07,864 --> 00:56:10,533
...Ray Romano become the king
of fucking Little Rock?
1033
00:56:11,743 --> 00:56:14,204
That's right, yes, very exciting, right?
1034
00:56:14,287 --> 00:56:16,289
And you here with the women...
1035
00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:19,387
- How was it?
- It was good!
1036
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:20,501
Good!
1037
00:56:22,504 --> 00:56:24,339
They were loud in the beginning, right?
1038
00:56:24,506 --> 00:56:26,674
Yeah. Yeah, yeah... They were really good.
1039
00:56:27,258 --> 00:56:28,134
That was a good crowd.
1040
00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:29,978
I could tell it was good
'cause it went fast.
1041
00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:31,011
What's up, buddy.
1042
00:56:31,054 --> 00:56:32,931
It was good. It was good, man. Thanks.
1043
00:56:33,014 --> 00:56:35,433
- Bye, Ray.
- All right, buddy, I'll see you, Sean.
1044
00:56:36,601 --> 00:56:38,641
- All right, everybody's here.
- We're all together.
1045
00:56:39,687 --> 00:56:41,648
This is the minister.
1046
00:56:42,065 --> 00:56:43,465
Are you the conehead or the looker?
1047
00:56:43,566 --> 00:56:44,401
I'm the looker.
1048
00:56:44,526 --> 00:56:46,069
- I'm the conehead.
- Conehead.
1049
00:56:46,694 --> 00:56:47,821
There's the good one.
1050
00:56:49,030 --> 00:56:51,574
And there's the one
who has to spend all the money.
1051
00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:55,245
- Are we hungry?
- Yeah.
1052
00:56:55,328 --> 00:56:57,768
Something got a really big applause
that it was very...
1053
00:56:57,831 --> 00:56:59,191
that I was really surprised about.
1054
00:56:59,249 --> 00:57:00,529
- Oh, yeah?
- It was like, wow...
1055
00:57:00,834 --> 00:57:01,668
What?
1056
00:57:01,751 --> 00:57:03,628
- We...
- I don't remember. What was it?
1057
00:57:03,711 --> 00:57:05,338
Yeah, it might've been...
1058
00:57:06,548 --> 00:57:08,758
I know what you're saying.
It might've been the...
1059
00:57:08,842 --> 00:57:10,051
Stupid question thing, right?
1060
00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:11,404
- Stupid question...
- Was it that?
1061
00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:13,179
No, it was before that.
1062
00:57:13,263 --> 00:57:16,224
I liked that.
Did you always do the dryer part?
1063
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:21,438
Did you figure out what bit it was, Ally?
1064
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:24,616
- Did you figure out which one?
- No, let think about it for a second.
1065
00:57:24,774 --> 00:57:27,986
All right, we'll get another one
if we need. Don't go crazy guys.
1066
00:57:33,116 --> 00:57:35,243
Joe, you wanna bless the pizza for us?
1067
00:57:35,368 --> 00:57:36,369
Yeah, I could do that.
1068
00:57:37,245 --> 00:57:38,413
I mean, I'm qualified.84289
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