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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,004
*
2
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:13,214
Hey, Joan, you want
to go for a walk with me?
3
00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:14,782
I got my new stretchy pants on.
4
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,050
JOAN:
Oh, I think the ones
5
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:19,587
with the little windows
in the front are for the ladies.
6
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,922
Oh, man.
7
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,192
I can't return 'em 'cause
I'm not wearing underwear.
8
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,526
-(clears throat)
-All right, what do you say--
9
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:27,928
let's take this awesome
conversation on the road,
10
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,463
put a few miles
on that new knee.
11
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,465
Oh, fun. No.
12
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:33,601
Oh, come on, Joan,
we both need the rehab.
13
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:34,868
My ticker, your kicker.
14
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:37,071
Besides, I promised Heather
that I'd get you
15
00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:38,339
out of that bathrobe.
16
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:41,342
I don't think
that was correctly phrased.
17
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,043
No, that's exactly
what I wanted to say.
18
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,812
Um, I want to get you
out of that robe
19
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:46,514
and turn you
into a streetwalker.
20
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,682
(laughs)
21
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,419
Oh, I'm exhausted.
22
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:54,722
These pants have
no ventilation.
23
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,458
My thigh windows
are all fogged up.
24
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,327
Yeah, I feel the same.
25
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,395
I couldn't even walk
over the speed bump.
26
00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:05,065
I had to sit on the curb
and then throw my legs over.
27
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:06,667
Whoa, look at this.
28
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:09,069
Who would throw this out?
29
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:11,339
Oh, I think most people.
30
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:13,374
Yeah, well, most
people don't have
31
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:16,510
a treadmill-sized space
right next to their bed.
32
00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:19,213
Well, I haven't played
one of these
33
00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:21,382
since John and I
were first dating.
34
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,417
Oh, my gosh, we won
enough tickets
35
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:26,053
to buy three packs
of cigarettes.
36
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,555
It was a different time.
37
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,023
I can't even remember
the first time I played.
38
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,393
So, we've all got our stories.
39
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,627
(chuckles)
40
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:38,232
Yeah, and now I'm just
like this old table:
41
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:41,101
I'm broken down and ready
to be dumped at the curb.
42
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,404
Hey, don't talk like that.
43
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,038
Sure, she's past her prime,
44
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:46,674
but you can still sink
your balls in her.
45
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,542
-Oh!
-Come on.
46
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,444
-(giggling)
-What do you say?
Give it a try.
47
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,646
-Fine.
-Yeah.
48
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,047
-All right.
-Yeah, well,
49
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:55,383
it's not like, you know,
50
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,718
throwing a ball is gonna
make everything seem bet...
51
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,754
-Oh, my gosh!
-Oh!
52
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,357
Did you see that shot?
I've still got it.
53
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:05,393
All right, what do you say?
A little game, you and I?
54
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:08,429
Oh, I think I'm gonna beat
the lady pants off you.
55
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,266
(man speaking indistinctly
on television)
56
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,634
Hey, Joan.
57
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,969
You, uh, ready for another walk?
58
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,571
No, I don't think so.
59
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,540
I'm kind of exhausted
from yesterday.
60
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:22,810
Um, you know, I-I promised
Heather, you know?
61
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,813
And I thought of,
like, a dozen ball jokes.
62
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,681
I thought of two as well.
63
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:29,750
One of them's historical.
64
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,485
I'll go get them.
I wrote them down.
65
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:32,586
All right.
66
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,256
Hey, this is getting
much easier.
67
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,658
Did you see me
on that speed bump?
68
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:38,959
I did.
69
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,127
You know what's really great?
70
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,762
You're wearing underwear today.
71
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:44,265
Oh, you can see the lines.
72
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:47,134
I was gonna say
the conversation is nice.
73
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,637
It is.
74
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:55,042
-Oh! Yes.
-(groans)
75
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:59,680
Now, all my balls
are in your court.
76
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,015
Ugh. You destroyed me, Joan.
77
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,851
-Oh, honey.
-Well,
78
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,419
I got bogged down
trying to make
79
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:07,455
a "Cinderella at the balls"
joke, but it's impossible.
80
00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,390
It can't be done.
81
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,992
Can you imagine
Cinderella squeezing in
82
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,894
two balls before midnight?
83
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,162
Damn it!
84
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,465
(chuckles)
85
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:20,768
Oh, hey, I grabbed
a bunch of tickets
86
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,403
out of Sophia's drawer
so we could pretend
87
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:24,037
-that we won.
-Oh, I think she was
88
00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:26,474
-saving those for a laser tag.
-Ah.
89
00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,642
She's got a piggy bank
that says "College Fund."
90
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:29,777
I take from that all the time.
91
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:33,013
-(chuckles)
-Oh, no.
92
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,582
It's gone.
93
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,018
It's gone.
94
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,220
Oh, gee.
95
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,556
-It was fun while it lasted.
-Yeah.
96
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,625
I have to thank
Heather for getting us
97
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,460
to exercise together.
98
00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:48,329
Yeah, about that.
99
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:51,198
Uh... if I'm being
totally honest with you,
100
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,966
Heather doesn't know
we've been doing this.
101
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,234
What do you mean?
102
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,404
Well, she wanted me
to go for a walk,
103
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:59,373
but I was afraid to go alone.
104
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:00,808
I mean, what happens
if my heart stops
105
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:02,510
and there's no one there
to get it started again?
106
00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,977
Oh, Tim.
107
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,913
I know we've had our differences
108
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:07,581
-over the years, Joan.
-We have?
109
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:09,750
We weren't even talking
to each other last winter.
110
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:11,184
We weren't?
111
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,353
But, these last few days,
112
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,087
you've been
a real comfort to me.
113
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:17,858
Oh, Tim, this whole heart
thing can be so scary.
114
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:20,260
You know, but trust me,
I think your heart's
115
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:21,795
the best part of you.
116
00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:24,131
Aw. Thanks, Joan.
117
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:26,934
Well, you want to head back?
118
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,703
We knew the arcade
had to close eventually.
119
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,705
(Tim chuckles)
120
00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:33,674
I'm sorry for whatever
I said last winter.
121
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,042
Oh, you didn't say anything.
122
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,044
That's what hurt.
123
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,582
-(knocking on door)
-Coming.
124
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:45,786
-JOAN: Tim! Tim.
-(knocking continues)
125
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:48,288
-Hi.
-Joan. What...?
126
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:51,492
On my way to the store,
I found an air hockey table.
127
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,293
Just left for dead on the curb.
128
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:56,096
Uh, about eight blocks away.
You think we can make it?
129
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,398
Eight blocks?
130
00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:58,632
I can do eight and a half.
131
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,267
(excited squeal)
Let's do it.
132
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,535
Let's do it.
133
00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:03,837
And we can work
on our jokes on the way.
134
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:06,674
You'll never guess
what rhymes with "puck."
135
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:13,313
Thank you for the dinner.
136
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:15,849
May I please be excused?
137
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:19,319
Yes, you may be excused.
138
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:22,222
(scoffs) We really hit
the jackpot with this kid.
139
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:23,657
I mean, I don't even mind
that he makes me look bad
140
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:25,426
-when he opens
the car door for you.
-(chuckles)
141
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:28,662
I can't believe that we are
parents to a four-year-old.
142
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,764
The only thing is,
what are we gonna do
143
00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:32,332
with all this baby stuff?
144
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,267
-Oh, I know.
-(groans)
145
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,936
Maybe we can sell it to Greg.
146
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:37,438
Careful. My snake's in there.
147
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:38,606
No, it's not.
148
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:41,975
-Careful, my snake's somewhere.
-Oh, Dougie.
149
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,611
Hi, Dougie.
150
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:46,514
Oh, the new guy's still here.
151
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,449
Yes, Dougie,
we adopted him, remember?
152
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:50,584
That's why we had you move
into the office.
153
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:55,222
Right, yes. I remember...
154
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:56,557
Lucas.
155
00:05:56,590 --> 00:06:01,028
(imitating Darth Vader):
Luke, I am your father.
156
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:04,131
Bit of a risky joke
for an adopted kid.
157
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,935
COLLEEN:
Yes.
158
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:11,071
Lucas, do you have any twos?
159
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:14,775
Go fish, fart-sack.
160
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:17,545
Did you just call me
a fart-sack?
161
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,781
Lucas, where did
you hear that?
162
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,249
DOUGIE:
Hey!
163
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:25,052
Which one of you fart-sacks
took my shower Crocs?
164
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,688
-Think I know where he heard it.
-Mm-hmm.
165
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,059
MATT:
So, Dougie.
166
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,727
Suddenly living with
167
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:37,765
a four-year-old is-- that's just
new territory for all of us.
168
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,366
And you're setting
169
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,601
a terrible example.
170
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,135
You are.
171
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:44,805
Okay, Dougie, we are not
asking you to move out.
172
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,239
No, because you just signed
that two-year lease
173
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,708
and we know
how vindictive you can be.
174
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,910
Thank you guys for noticing.
175
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,212
All we're asking is
that you find your snake,
176
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,514
you try and watch
your language,
177
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,048
and you just
be your best self.
178
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:57,485
-Or you can be someone else's
best self.
-Yeah.
179
00:06:57,518 --> 00:07:00,220
I will consider your request.
180
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:03,290
I've made a decision.
181
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:05,759
Mm. I've reconsidered.
182
00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,562
And I will honor your request.
183
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:13,534
Lucas, how are you
enjoying dinner?
184
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:14,535
(burps)
185
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:15,769
DOUGIE:
Lucas!
186
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:19,439
Manners. There are ladies here.
187
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,875
Uh, Dougie, you look...
188
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,044
Hot? I know.
189
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,613
-Colleen...
-Mm-hmm?
190
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:29,683
...could you please
pass the po-ta-toes?
191
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:32,586
I would be happy to.
What a polite young lady.
192
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:34,354
Ah. Degrassias.
193
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:38,626
Could you please pass
the po-ta-toes?
194
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,293
DOUGIE:
Yes, sir.
195
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:41,729
All right.
196
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,097
Dougie, thank you so much
for making an effort.
197
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,566
Ah, you got it.
198
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:46,967
I would curtsy right now,
199
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:50,103
but my Spanx are about
to split me in two.
200
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,605
(all chuckling)
201
00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,707
I want soda.
202
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,475
(clears throat)
Dougie...
203
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:59,813
Um, "may I want soda."
204
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:01,949
No, no, Dougie,
we-we don't drink soda.
205
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:05,252
Of course we do not.
206
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:08,288
Carbonation is the devil's gas.
207
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,489
Dig in.
(chuckles)
208
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:11,592
Mmm.
209
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:12,760
Oh, Dougie, you have
a little something on your...
210
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,828
Know what? Enough.
211
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,997
I can't keep up this charade.
212
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:19,667
It's too hard being
your perfect baby.
213
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:23,837
And this dinner,
it tastes like poo.
214
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:25,172
-I'm out of here.
-(fabric ripping)
215
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,440
Ow. Ow. Ow!
216
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:30,343
Ah! I got angry
and my Spanx just blew.
217
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:31,344
Okay.
218
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:34,514
Night is over, losers.
219
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,850
This is the worst dinner
I've ever had.
220
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,251
Ah, God.
221
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:42,122
Yeah, it is poo, losers.
222
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,430
Give me, give me candy!
223
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:51,665
Candy!
224
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:54,101
Dougie's been a really bad
influence on him.
225
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,403
She was singing that "Give me
candy" song all morning.
226
00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:57,404
Oh.
227
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,706
But it's not Lucas's fault.
228
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,708
He's only acting like this
because he wants candy.
229
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,876
Yeah.
Do you have any?
230
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:05,045
The child has asked for some
several times now.
231
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,346
Give me, give me candy, candy!
232
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,581
Give me, give me candy, candy!
233
00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:10,317
Oh, you guys, listen,
Dougie is not your problem.
234
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:12,252
I mean, yeah, she is
a problem, in general,
235
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,021
but she's not
this problem.
236
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,422
You have to talk to your kid.
237
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,090
-But he's so young.
-Oh...
238
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:18,225
Yeah, and we don't
want to say anything
239
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,359
that's gonna
make him hate us.
240
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,661
Yeah, you do.
That's how you know
241
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:21,862
you're being a good parent.
242
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,597
Sam, go do your homework.
243
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:25,198
Mom, go do your housework.
244
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,334
Okay, see? That hurt.
245
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,703
But you get where
I'm going with this.
246
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:31,839
-So we got to, like,
lay down the law.
-Yeah.
247
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:34,241
And if he hates us,
we'll just give him candy.
248
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:35,408
Okay, no.
249
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,777
And then we'll take it back.
250
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:40,881
MAN (on TV):
Watch the entrails
251
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,415
pour out like pancake batter.
252
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,151
Lucas, what are you doing?
253
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,586
You're supposed to be
in bed, buddy.
254
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,356
Ugh, we're watching
a documentary on autopsies.
255
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,825
Dougie, this isn't
appropriate for Lucas.
256
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:55,095
Don't worry,
it's autopsies on aliens.
257
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:57,931
You should see the genitals
on this one.
258
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,467
Okay, Lucas, go to bed.
259
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:04,204
But Dougie said I could
watch one more genital.
260
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:08,408
Well, Dougie is not
your parents. We are.
261
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,877
Go to bed. Now.
262
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:13,146
(Lucas and Dougie groan)
263
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,083
(Lucas continues groaning)
264
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,985
This is so hard.
I hate being hated.
265
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:20,020
I didn't think we would
have to feel like this
266
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:21,755
until we had a teenager.
267
00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:25,425
Don't worry, you guys
are doing the right thing.
268
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:29,429
Kids deal well with boundaries.
That's why I was kept in a cage.
269
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,333
-I can't sleep.
-No, I know.
270
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,803
I know. Me neither.
271
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:36,837
Me neither.
272
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,439
Can I sleep with you?
273
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,241
-Aw.
-I got this, Colleen.
274
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:42,642
We said go to bed.
275
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,778
No, this is what we want.
276
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,046
Oh, I'm so sorry.
277
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,782
I'm-I'm a little fuzzy
on the rules, buddy.
278
00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:51,618
You want to come up here?
279
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,891
(chuckles)
280
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:05,065
So, is Dougie my brother
281
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,134
or my sister?
282
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,676
Geez, Heather,
when I said I'd volunteer,
283
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:19,046
I-I thought I'd be doing
morning announcements
284
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:21,782
and sharing my political views.
285
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:23,183
(chuckles)
No, Dad, this is great.
286
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,785
Gets you out,
lets you be more social.
287
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,987
Well, I've got
your mother and Alexa.
288
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,421
Well, they both need a break
289
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,157
from being yelled at
all the time. Ooh, hey!
290
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,324
We know this one.
291
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,926
-Hi, Soph!
-Hi, Pop-Pop.
292
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,194
What are you doing here?
293
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,129
I'm slinging garbage.
294
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,965
My apologies to the cook.
295
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,533
Oh, I didn't make that slop.
296
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,536
I just pour sawdust on it
when it comes back up.
297
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,173
Steve Sissel, Janitorial Arts.
298
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:49,877
Oh, John Short,
uh, Alcohol Sciences.
299
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:53,113
-Ooh, that's my minor.
-Oh.
300
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:55,048
Ugh.
301
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,217
Uh, Sophia,
why is your hot grandpa
302
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,820
-talking to Psycho Sissel?
-What?
303
00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:02,355
-Look, I'm gonna go clean out
the teachers' crapper.
-Mm-hmm.
304
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,524
You finish up that slop,
and we'll meet back
305
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,093
in the janitor's closet
in about 15 minutes.
306
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,360
Got it.
307
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,830
I didn't know that
creepy weirdo could speak.
308
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:12,499
And did you just
call my grandpa hot?
309
00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:15,068
(woman on TV screaming)
310
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:16,503
(doorbell rings)
311
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:19,907
I'll get it. I hate this part.
It's way too scary.
312
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,610
(screaming on TV)
313
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:27,881
(screams)
314
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,216
Sophia, he's got a chain saw!
315
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,351
You're missing it!
316
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:34,687
Hey, Siss. Thanks for letting me
borrow your chain saw.
317
00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:36,023
Mine's stuck in a tree.
318
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:39,392
Yeah, I threw it up there
trying to scare a cat down.
319
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,028
Well, be careful with this one.
320
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:44,798
It'll cut right through bone,
at least the bones of a child.
321
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,566
(woman on TV screaming)
322
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:50,270
That's what the weird
salesman told me.
323
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,276
Why is Psycho Sissel here?
324
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:59,813
Pop-Pop met him at school,
and I think they're friends now.
325
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:01,614
-What?
-SAMANTHA: Does Pop-Pop know
326
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,616
that Sissel steals fetal pigs
from the science lab
327
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,352
and eats them
in the janitor's closet?
328
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:08,355
I heard he waits
until everyone is gone,
329
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,123
turns off all the lights,
330
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:13,326
and slowly walks up and down
the school hallways.
331
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:14,561
Up and down,
332
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:18,731
up and down, with a mop.
333
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:22,135
Ugh, he's so gross and crusty.
334
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:25,138
His face looks like the top
of a cranberry muffin.
335
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,274
I just wish he'd leave.
336
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,910
Oh, is that so?
Well, you got your wish.
337
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:33,280
Hey, Siss, let's drink a bunch
338
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,815
and then fire up this chain saw
and cut some stuff.
339
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:39,887
No. I got to go clean out
the long jump pit.
340
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,555
Preschoolers treat it
like a litter box.
341
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:45,458
It gets all gross and crusty,
342
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:48,028
like a cranberry muffin.
343
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,762
(door opens)
344
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,664
That's okay,
I-I can always
345
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:54,134
-chug and cut
with some other friend.
-(door closes)
346
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,638
(sighs)
347
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,876
Pop-Pop, are you okay?
348
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:07,014
Well, I called Mr. Sissel,
like, five times, and nothing.
349
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:09,682
Well, I'm sure
he's really busy at school.
350
00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:11,684
He had to clean
all the lice combs.
351
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,386
HEATHER:
You know what, Dad? Listen,
352
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,022
he probably doesn't
get good reception.
353
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,390
I mean, clearly the guy lives
in a basement somewhere.
354
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:19,626
No, he's definitely not
returning my calls.
355
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,162
I guess he's just
not that into me.
356
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,597
Well, you don't need him.
You got plenty of friends.
357
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:27,334
Oh, no, sweetie. Actually,
all his friends are dead.
358
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,102
Two are in hospice.
359
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,470
Oh, that's right.
360
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:32,072
(phone chimes)
361
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,507
Oh, make that one.
362
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:38,711
Hello?
363
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:41,681
Mr. Sissel?
364
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,684
Mr. Sissel?
365
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:45,685
What do you want?
366
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,988
(gasps)
367
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:50,890
My God, it's true.
368
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,328
They're horrible, ain't they?
369
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:58,365
The science lab
ran out of space,
370
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,433
so they make me store 'em
down here.
371
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:01,468
Huh?
372
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,336
You know, I broke one once.
373
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,739
Only thing that'll get
that smell out is time.
374
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:11,044
Mr. Sissel, I'm so sorry
for being mean.
375
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:13,180
Please don't let that
affect your relationship
376
00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:15,015
with my grandpa.
377
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,883
He doesn't make many friends.
378
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,418
Yeah, neither do I.
379
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:21,521
I thought it was
because I was too chatty.
380
00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:23,223
But now, thanks to you,
381
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,993
I know it's because
I'm a horrifying monster.
382
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:29,196
No, you're not.
I'm sure you're a very nice man
383
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:32,099
and that there's a good reason
there's a dismembered torso
384
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:34,101
in the corner of the room.
385
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,403
That's the CPR dummy.
386
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,305
That is a good reason.
387
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:41,841
So, will you call Pop-Pop back?
388
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,677
Yeah, I guess.
389
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:46,980
And, you know, the kids might
not think you're so scary
390
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:48,648
if you smiled a bit more.
391
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,286
Or you could just smile
with your eyes.
392
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:56,923
We'll keep thinking.
393
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,493
Hey, guys.
394
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:02,529
Sissel's got Sophia!
395
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,564
(all screaming)
396
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,707
Jen, you're amazing.
397
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,376
Throwing the perfect
birthday party for Lark
398
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,645
three weeks before you're due.
399
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,281
What's the theme?
400
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,083
Colors?
401
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,686
Well, Lark wanted unicorns,
superheroes, and buses.
402
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,789
You know, I just,
I just want her
403
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,258
to have the best birthday ever
404
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:34,961
before I have this baby
and ruin her life.
405
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:39,399
No, honey. A baby is the best
gift you could ever give her.
406
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:42,335
When I was a baby, Matt
put me in the trash.
407
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:45,072
Oh, we got you out
before the raccoons came.
408
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:50,177
(indistinct chatter)
409
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,645
(laughter)
410
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:55,482
So, Maxine licked,
uh, Madison's Ring Pop,
411
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,484
and I told her I'd get her
a new one, but I'm just gonna
412
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,319
hang here for a second and then
just give her the same one.
413
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,487
You cool with that?
414
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,323
(strained):
Yup.
415
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,457
What are you doing?
416
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:07,460
Just, uh, chilling.
417
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,163
Uh, you sure about that?
418
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:12,532
Yup. Mm-hmm. Just a little...
419
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:16,369
(strains): gas every,
uh, seven to eight minutes.
420
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:18,671
Oh, my God, you're
having contractions?
421
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:21,174
What? I am having this birthday
for Lark. Okay?
422
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:23,009
And it's gonna be perfect.
423
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:26,012
Because it is her last birthday
where she has us all to herself.
424
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,380
So...
(exhales)
425
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:29,249
I can get through this.
426
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:32,152
I am not having this baby today.
427
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,088
Jen?
428
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:37,090
I'm having this baby today.
429
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:39,392
(crying):
Is the party over yet?
430
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,461
We were talking in the kitchen
five minutes ago.
431
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,830
Oh, my God,
time is moving backwards.
432
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:45,765
Okay, that's it. We're taking
you to the hospital. Come on.
433
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,967
-What? No! No.
-Whoa.
434
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,737
If I have this baby today,
then I will ruin her birthday.
435
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:52,239
Well, whose birthday
are you talking about?
436
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:53,373
Because technically,
they're both gonna have
437
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,507
the same birthday.
438
00:17:54,541 --> 00:17:55,975
Oh, no.
439
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,044
They're gonna have
the same birthday?
440
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:01,181
God, why did I let you have sex
with me nine months ago?
441
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:04,884
Well, actually, you kn...
I was the one that let you.
442
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,854
My barber parted my hair on the
wrong side, and it was game on.
443
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:08,988
Stranger sex.
444
00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,957
Really do not like that
that is your weakness,
445
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:14,527
but you are a great mom,
okay, to two kids now.
446
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:17,397
You know, so we got to balance
both of their needs. Okay?
447
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,266
Lark having a great birthday,
448
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:22,535
Tim delivering the baby
on the front lawn.
449
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:24,971
Yeah, you're right, we'll go.
450
00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:26,906
After the party.
451
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,976
Well, then, we got to make
this party go quick.
452
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:32,078
-(children cheering)
-GREG: Here--
you want to know what?
453
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,680
Lark, here.
Let me help you, Lark.
454
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,882
You just got to put your back
into it. Okay?
455
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,217
(people gasping)
456
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,751
Okay.
457
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,653
Okay, here we go.
(grunts)
458
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:44,090
Yay, Lark. You did it.
459
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,092
-There we go.
-Uh, you want to know what?
460
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,428
-Let's do gifts. Huh?
-Yeah. Gifts.
461
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:52,265
-Yup, yup, yup, yup.
-Honey? Matt and Colleen
aren't here yet.
462
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,267
-Yeah, that doesn't matter.
-Yeah, 'cause you know
what they're gonna do.
463
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,002
They're gonna show up late,
and then they're gonna pretend
464
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,770
that they left
their gifts at home,
465
00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:59,572
but you're never gonna see it,
so let's just open these.
466
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:02,108
-Okay?
-Okay.
467
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,977
Save the paper, save the paper.
468
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,846
-Oh, my God.
-I taught her that.
469
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,881
Okay.
Greg, we got to keep moving.
470
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,116
Yeah, ye... I like to just
rip these puppies open.
471
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,620
And that way,
we can make it snow. Whee!
472
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:14,721
HEATHER:
Greg, do you want me
473
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,656
to make a list of the gifts
for thank-yous?
474
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:20,993
No, no, we'll do it now.
Uh, thank you all.
475
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:22,929
Yeah, yeah, o-ours
was a savings bond.
476
00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:24,364
So, you just destroyed it.
477
00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:25,698
You know what?
It's cake time.
478
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:26,799
-Cake!
-We're doing cake.
479
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,100
Let's do cake.
480
00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,603
Can't have the cake
before the pizza.
481
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,739
If all the children go home
and tell their parents
482
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:35,174
that you served the cake
before the pizza...
483
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:38,378
Yeah, well, life is short,
eat dessert first.
484
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:42,114
-JEN: Hey-o.
-Man, this party's wild.
485
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:45,318
-* Happy birthday *
-* Happy birthday to you *
486
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:46,753
* Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday, dear Lark *
487
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:47,854
* Happy birthday to you. *
488
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,357
-Blow the candles out, wow.
-(fake sneeze)
489
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,359
-(cheering)
-Don't tell anybody
your wish, kid!
490
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:53,760
Okay, you good?
491
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,328
-Yeah. We did it. Let's go.
-Okay.
492
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,529
-Okay...
-(liquid spattering)
493
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:57,730
HEATHER:
Oh, my God.
494
00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,065
Jen, your water broke.
495
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,169
Uh, that wasn't in any book
you ever gave me.
496
00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:10,543
Come here, Lark.
497
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:13,513
Mommy has to go to the hospital
now because your little sister
498
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,348
is ready to come out.
499
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:16,549
Are you excited to meet her?
500
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:17,850
Yeah.
501
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,553
Yeah. Yeah, she's excited
to meet you, too.
502
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:23,356
And, um, I promise
that she's gonna get you
503
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,858
a-a great present, okay?
504
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:29,329
Okay. Tell her I want a brother.
505
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:32,499
Okay, well, they might
be all out of those,
506
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,501
but I'll let her know.
507
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,702
Give me a hug.
508
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,404
Come here.
We love you, kiddo.
509
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:38,571
We love you.
510
00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:39,906
Go. We've got her.
511
00:20:39,939 --> 00:20:41,574
Go over to Mom-Mom.
512
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:43,876
-I love you. Go.
-HEATHER: Good luck, you guys.
513
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:44,911
We love you.
514
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:47,914
TIM:
Drive safely, please.
515
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,383
Hi. Oh shoot, we forgot
Lark's present at home.
516
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,618
GREG:
Of course you did.
517
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,144
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
37079
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