Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,416 --> 00:00:02,533
(smooth jazz playing)
2
00:00:02,585 --> 00:00:05,286
Wasn't that the turn
for our polling station?
3
00:00:05,371 --> 00:00:07,379
Why, no, young man.
4
00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:11,567
We-- We know
a shorter route to your--
5
00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:14,044
to our Democratic
polling station.
6
00:00:14,118 --> 00:00:16,291
You know how us Democrats
like a shortcut,
7
00:00:16,346 --> 00:00:19,037
like government spending
to prop up the economy.
8
00:00:19,092 --> 00:00:22,190
There's nothing more we love
than those federal programs.
9
00:00:22,855 --> 00:00:24,771
You two are Democrats,
aren't you?
10
00:00:24,815 --> 00:00:25,847
What?
11
00:00:25,866 --> 00:00:27,057
(both laugh)
12
00:00:27,109 --> 00:00:28,275
Of course we are.
13
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:30,194
You see the color of our skin,
don't you?
14
00:00:30,229 --> 00:00:32,529
How could we
not blindly vote Democratic?
15
00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:34,756
- I mean, that would be ridiculous.
- Whatever.
16
00:00:34,823 --> 00:00:37,067
All I know is my polling place
closes in 15 minutes.
17
00:00:37,119 --> 00:00:38,869
- Why, that would be terrible.
- Awful.
18
00:00:38,904 --> 00:00:41,511
I mean, how are you going to
elect tax-and-spend politicians
19
00:00:41,574 --> 00:00:42,956
if you can't vote?
20
00:00:43,042 --> 00:00:46,243
It's hard enough to vote
with all those voter I.D. laws.
21
00:00:46,328 --> 00:00:47,661
- Republicans.
- Argh!
22
00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:51,081
Those gosh-darn Republicans.
23
00:00:51,133 --> 00:00:53,884
- I know. I'm just like, "Grr!"
- Yeah, ten and two, Douglas.
24
00:00:53,919 --> 00:00:55,141
- Right.
- You know what?
25
00:00:55,159 --> 00:00:57,567
If there were any Republicans
here, whoa-ho-ho-oh,
26
00:00:57,623 --> 00:00:59,089
I'd be pissed.
27
00:00:59,141 --> 00:01:00,674
- I'd be royally pissed.
- Me too. Me too.
28
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,060
In fact, I would take
their hard-fought principles,
29
00:01:03,095 --> 00:01:05,345
and I'd shove it
right up their keisters.
30
00:01:05,431 --> 00:01:06,897
Of course you would.
31
00:01:06,932 --> 00:01:10,100
We seem to be driving
in circles.
32
00:01:10,186 --> 00:01:12,820
Don't worry.
We're almost there.
33
00:01:12,905 --> 00:01:14,271
(tires screech)
34
00:01:14,323 --> 00:01:17,157
Look, it appears
we've hit somebody.
35
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,359
We should get out and help him.
36
00:01:19,445 --> 00:01:21,695
Oh!
Oh, my leg!
37
00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:22,780
Oh, my leg.
38
00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:24,281
Oopsy daisy. Oopsy daisy.
39
00:01:24,333 --> 00:01:26,083
Here you go.
40
00:01:26,118 --> 00:01:27,701
I am pissed.
41
00:01:27,787 --> 00:01:29,920
I am royally pissed.
42
00:01:29,955 --> 00:01:32,756
Now, although it was only
this one man's fault,
43
00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:35,042
I will be using
all of your tax dollars
44
00:01:35,127 --> 00:01:36,710
to get healthy,
45
00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,629
thanks to the Affordable
Healthcare Act.
46
00:01:38,714 --> 00:01:40,180
I know it doesn't seem fair,
47
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:42,883
but that's supposedly the law
of the land nowadays.
48
00:01:42,968 --> 00:01:45,385
- That's what I've heard.
- You don't look that hurt.
49
00:01:45,471 --> 00:01:47,805
Why y'all wearing
those same leather jackets
50
00:01:47,857 --> 00:01:49,106
and those dad jeans?
51
00:01:49,141 --> 00:01:50,808
Disperse!
52
00:01:55,364 --> 00:01:56,814
(woman gasps)
53
00:01:56,866 --> 00:01:59,589
Black Republican
motherfuckers!
54
00:01:59,675 --> 00:02:02,676
(haunting western music)
55
00:02:02,866 --> 00:02:04,467
56
00:02:21,233 --> 00:02:24,269
Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com
57
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,594
If we were criminals on--
58
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,314
(laughing)
59
00:02:30,349 --> 00:02:33,317
on a trip to create mayhem,
60
00:02:33,352 --> 00:02:37,020
what-- what style criminal do you
think you would be?
61
00:02:37,072 --> 00:02:39,273
I might try to go that
Natural Born Killers situation.
62
00:02:39,358 --> 00:02:41,024
- Yeah, yeah, right.
- You know what I mean?
63
00:02:41,110 --> 00:02:42,693
- Well, they were lovers.
- I don't mean--
64
00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:44,194
- No, that's crazy.
- They were having sex.
65
00:02:44,246 --> 00:02:45,337
We wouldn't necessarily
do that.
66
00:02:45,389 --> 00:02:47,197
- So what do you mean by that?
- You know what made me say it?
67
00:02:47,249 --> 00:02:49,032
You said mayhem, and they
were just wreaking mayhem.
68
00:02:49,118 --> 00:02:50,534
No, but the first thing
that came to your head
69
00:02:50,586 --> 00:02:51,702
was a couple...
70
00:02:51,787 --> 00:02:53,253
- But that's--
- that murdered people.
71
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:54,922
But that's not what I was
thinking about when I said it.
72
00:02:55,007 --> 00:02:56,599
I was thinking about the fact
that they were spreading
73
00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:58,041
mayhem all over the jim jam.
74
00:02:58,093 --> 00:02:59,670
Dude, you're not thinking
about it.
75
00:02:59,693 --> 00:03:02,373
You might as well
have said a porn movie.
76
00:03:04,133 --> 00:03:05,299
(indistinct chatter
over police radio)
77
00:03:05,384 --> 00:03:06,717
(camera shutter clicks)
78
00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:09,386
It's a weird one--
nothing out of place,
79
00:03:09,471 --> 00:03:11,388
- no murder weapon.
- And no motive.
80
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,691
There's just a couple
lying dead in their bed.
81
00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:16,977
The proof is always
out there, detectives.
82
00:03:17,062 --> 00:03:19,313
You just have to know
where to find the pudding.
83
00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:21,291
Excuse me, sir, you can't be
here-- this is a crime scene.
84
00:03:21,354 --> 00:03:23,483
Samwell, it's okay.
85
00:03:23,569 --> 00:03:26,954
He's the greatest sex-crime
investigator in history.
86
00:03:27,039 --> 00:03:28,238
If it isn't
detective Chuck Vaughan.
87
00:03:28,324 --> 00:03:29,873
Detective Sally Ferguson.
88
00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:31,523
We could use a genius
right now.
89
00:03:31,646 --> 00:03:33,657
Tom Samwell.
90
00:03:34,413 --> 00:03:36,079
What have we got, Samwell?
91
00:03:36,165 --> 00:03:38,966
Well, Vaughan, we've got
ourselves a hard case here.
92
00:03:39,051 --> 00:03:41,585
- All we've got is--
- Two bodies, both dead, naked--
93
00:03:41,670 --> 00:03:44,254
one man, one woman in the bed,
94
00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:46,173
two scented candles
by the nightstand.
95
00:03:46,258 --> 00:03:47,391
- How did you--
- Shh.
96
00:03:47,426 --> 00:03:50,093
No sign of forced entry.
97
00:03:50,179 --> 00:03:51,395
He loved the way they smelled.
98
00:03:51,430 --> 00:03:53,180
(sniffing)
99
00:03:53,265 --> 00:03:54,731
He wanted to cross
the threshold
100
00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,984
the way they had
on their wedding day.
101
00:03:57,069 --> 00:03:59,770
(sighs)
You dirty dog.
102
00:03:59,855 --> 00:04:01,321
(chuckles)
103
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:05,275
He would've experienced
that pleasure right here.
104
00:04:05,327 --> 00:04:08,779
(pants unzip)
(groaning loudly)
105
00:04:15,287 --> 00:04:17,788
Anniversary-- the couple
was together for a while,
106
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,958
wanted to spice things up.
107
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,843
Check the date
on the photograph.
108
00:04:28,684 --> 00:04:29,967
Vaughan's right.
109
00:04:30,052 --> 00:04:32,185
Today was their 15th wedding
anniversary.
110
00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:33,804
This is huge.
111
00:04:33,889 --> 00:04:36,640
And what the fuck
was that?
112
00:04:36,725 --> 00:04:38,308
You just pulled your dick out
113
00:04:38,394 --> 00:04:40,978
and started jerking off
at the crime scene.
114
00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:43,458
Samwell,
he's the best there is.
115
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,899
By putting himself
in the perpetrator's mind-set,
116
00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:48,151
he's able to solve crimes
that involve sex.
117
00:04:48,203 --> 00:04:49,319
Bag this up.
118
00:04:49,405 --> 00:04:52,289
Some call it a blessing.
119
00:04:52,324 --> 00:04:53,707
It's more like a curse.
120
00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:55,125
Is that what it feels like?
121
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,294
(sniffing)
122
00:04:57,329 --> 00:04:58,745
Threesome.
123
00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:01,632
(sighs)
124
00:05:03,466 --> 00:05:05,135
You wanted to see them,
didn't you?
125
00:05:05,170 --> 00:05:07,888
You wanted to watch.
126
00:05:07,973 --> 00:05:10,057
25 feet from the bedroom,
127
00:05:10,142 --> 00:05:12,509
across the kitchen, you...
128
00:05:12,561 --> 00:05:14,144
(huffing)
129
00:05:14,179 --> 00:05:17,347
You didn't want
to see their flesh yet, did you?
130
00:05:17,399 --> 00:05:21,268
No. He stood right here.
131
00:05:21,353 --> 00:05:24,021
(pants unzip)
(groaning loudly)
132
00:05:34,366 --> 00:05:35,999
Role play gone wrong.
133
00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:38,535
Check the logs.
134
00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:45,926
We've got a bloody fire poker.
135
00:05:46,011 --> 00:05:48,045
We've got our murder weapon.
136
00:05:48,130 --> 00:05:50,597
Um, why do your revelations
137
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:53,266
require masturbation?
138
00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:54,885
Why do kittens require milk?
139
00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:57,220
- Nope, not the same thing.
- Hey.
140
00:05:57,272 --> 00:06:01,108
Hey, he's the most brilliant
goddamn detective I know.
141
00:06:01,193 --> 00:06:03,527
Put your ego aside
and give Vaughan his space.
142
00:06:03,577 --> 00:06:06,730
My ego?
We got Captain Pudpuller
143
00:06:06,782 --> 00:06:08,699
flinging his fluids
all over the crime scene.
144
00:06:08,734 --> 00:06:09,866
Wait.
145
00:06:09,902 --> 00:06:12,703
He knew them.
146
00:06:12,738 --> 00:06:13,987
He--
147
00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:16,907
They were close, so close,
too close.
148
00:06:16,992 --> 00:06:20,243
He-- He...
149
00:06:20,295 --> 00:06:24,297
I think he knew the house.
150
00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:27,134
Why?
151
00:06:27,219 --> 00:06:31,421
What did you want,
you sick bastard?
152
00:06:31,473 --> 00:06:34,591
You wanted to see...
153
00:06:34,643 --> 00:06:37,677
What he saw every day...
154
00:06:37,763 --> 00:06:40,063
Only closer...
155
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:41,598
Closer.
156
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,186
He was close to home.
157
00:06:46,271 --> 00:06:49,106
(groaning loudly)
158
00:07:01,036 --> 00:07:02,953
There's our man.
159
00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:04,454
All right, let's go get him.
160
00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:06,233
- Go, go!
- How did you--
161
00:07:09,803 --> 00:07:12,629
Vaughan, that was amazing.
162
00:07:12,714 --> 00:07:15,799
I'm sorry that I doubted you.
163
00:07:15,884 --> 00:07:19,136
Your methods
are unorthodox, but...
164
00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:20,887
I cannot argue
with your results.
165
00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:23,223
(zipper closes)
166
00:07:23,308 --> 00:07:24,474
No hard feelings?
167
00:07:24,526 --> 00:07:26,026
Uh, no, nope,
not gonna do that.
168
00:07:31,990 --> 00:07:34,210
I only got cable, like,
in the '90s.
169
00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:35,545
That's the best time
for cable.
170
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:38,581
Best time for cable,
especially on Cinemax.
171
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:42,218
Cinemax didn't be showing
nothing but soft-core porn.
172
00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:44,254
This is what bugs me
about these movies.
173
00:07:44,306 --> 00:07:45,922
- It's an action movie.
- Mm-hmm.
174
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,091
In the first scene,
the wife always dies.
175
00:07:48,143 --> 00:07:49,592
Mm-hmm.
176
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:52,262
And then they're reluctant to
get into this new relationship
177
00:07:52,314 --> 00:07:53,846
with this hot, young
journalist...
178
00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:54,931
Right, right.
Excuse me.
179
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:57,767
who's covering the--you know.
180
00:07:57,819 --> 00:08:00,234
- Kumite?
- Kumite, thank you.
181
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:02,105
Mm-hmm.
(laughs)
182
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,774
And it's-- to me,
it's always an excuse to, like,
183
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:09,217
live the dream of having
(deep voice) "two different women,
184
00:08:09,311 --> 00:08:10,894
"a brunette and a blonde.
185
00:08:10,979 --> 00:08:14,719
"Then I reluctantly have
to have sex with both of them..."
186
00:08:14,764 --> 00:08:16,201
With both these gorgeous
women, right.
187
00:08:16,295 --> 00:08:17,544
- During this hour and a half.
- Right.
188
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:18,640
Right, right, right,
right, right.
189
00:08:18,652 --> 00:08:20,802
- "No! My wife died."
- Yeah.
190
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,926
"And now this reporter
191
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,129
"is trying to sleep
with me months later."
192
00:08:26,181 --> 00:08:27,463
Right.
Right, right, right.
193
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:31,032
"I have to give in.
It's too much."
194
00:09:09,663 --> 00:09:11,808
(man speaking indistinctly
over walkie-talkie)
195
00:09:11,876 --> 00:09:13,843
Front of house is clear.
196
00:09:13,912 --> 00:09:15,478
Huh?
Did you hear that?
197
00:09:20,151 --> 00:09:22,185
Must've been nothing.
198
00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:44,240
Back patio's clear.
199
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,118
(woman laughing)
200
00:10:36,561 --> 00:10:39,061
(grunts)
201
00:10:54,579 --> 00:10:55,978
(gasps)
202
00:10:56,047 --> 00:10:57,613
Shh.
203
00:11:07,258 --> 00:11:09,125
Now it's my turn to play.
204
00:11:13,932 --> 00:11:15,865
(snaps fingers)
205
00:11:15,934 --> 00:11:18,868
(gun cocks)
206
00:11:18,937 --> 00:11:21,137
(woman screams)
207
00:11:27,846 --> 00:11:28,878
(guns cock)
208
00:11:28,947 --> 00:11:31,547
(gasps)
209
00:11:40,391 --> 00:11:41,591
Oh.
210
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:44,961
(chuckles)
211
00:11:45,029 --> 00:11:46,462
Carol.
212
00:11:46,531 --> 00:11:48,698
(gasps)
Teague!
213
00:11:48,766 --> 00:11:52,735
I thought I killed you
the first time, Mr. Teague.
214
00:11:52,804 --> 00:11:56,439
I promise I will not make
the same mistake twice.
215
00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:58,341
(breathes deeply)
216
00:12:03,615 --> 00:12:06,349
You are a good cop,
Mr. Teague,
217
00:12:06,417 --> 00:12:08,518
but a lousy fighter.
218
00:12:08,586 --> 00:12:10,453
Ugh! Ah!
219
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:13,322
Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Ugh!
220
00:12:13,391 --> 00:12:16,158
Ugh! Oh! Ugh! Oh! Ugh!
221
00:12:16,227 --> 00:12:17,693
Oh!
222
00:12:20,398 --> 00:12:23,533
No! Teague!
223
00:12:23,601 --> 00:12:24,834
No!
224
00:12:27,071 --> 00:12:29,772
Oh, snap, Mr. Teague.
225
00:12:34,045 --> 00:12:36,279
(body thuds)
226
00:12:36,347 --> 00:12:38,514
Snap indeed.
227
00:12:41,819 --> 00:12:45,555
Oh.
(chuckles)
228
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,860
Teague...
229
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,347
You saved my life.
230
00:12:54,519 --> 00:12:56,653
No, Carol...
231
00:12:56,669 --> 00:12:58,102
You saved mine.
232
00:13:10,848 --> 00:13:13,015
(bones crack)
Oh.
233
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:14,517
Oh, shit.
234
00:13:14,586 --> 00:13:16,152
Oh, shit.
235
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:22,191
(bones cracking)
236
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,659
That's just--
237
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,431
(bones crack)
238
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,823
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
239
00:13:44,414 --> 00:13:47,332
With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.
240
00:13:47,384 --> 00:13:49,334
- What it do?
- Oh.
241
00:13:49,419 --> 00:13:53,254
As you know,
for the past six years, uh...
242
00:13:53,340 --> 00:13:55,340
I've received my fair share
of criticism
243
00:13:55,425 --> 00:13:56,841
from the Republican Party.
244
00:13:56,927 --> 00:13:59,260
I can't even give Malia
an allowance
245
00:13:59,346 --> 00:14:02,764
without them accusing me
of wealth redistribution!
246
00:14:02,849 --> 00:14:05,350
It's all part
of rough-and-tumble politics.
247
00:14:05,402 --> 00:14:09,437
I hate you!
248
00:14:09,522 --> 00:14:13,908
Uh, in recent years,
I've also received a good amount
249
00:14:13,994 --> 00:14:16,578
of criticism
from my fellow Democrats.
250
00:14:16,663 --> 00:14:18,529
Oh, my God,
these motherfuckers right here--
251
00:14:18,582 --> 00:14:21,532
How am I s-- Oh.
252
00:14:21,585 --> 00:14:23,084
Do these-- I'm gonna get 'em.
253
00:14:23,169 --> 00:14:24,702
I'm gonna get these--
254
00:14:24,788 --> 00:14:26,204
Tell me--
255
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:28,506
I'ma-- Not you, though.
256
00:14:28,541 --> 00:14:30,375
(groans)
257
00:14:30,427 --> 00:14:33,678
I'ma bust all you niggers
in the lip.
258
00:14:33,713 --> 00:14:35,763
Now, I know
259
00:14:35,849 --> 00:14:38,016
the right to express
one's opinion
260
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:40,134
about the powers that be
261
00:14:40,220 --> 00:14:42,894
is the very thing
that makes this country great.
262
00:14:42,952 --> 00:14:45,139
Like I ain't got enough
shit to do!
263
00:14:45,225 --> 00:14:47,525
We got a James Bond villain
running Russia!
264
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,310
I got a Congress
full of tea baggers!
265
00:14:49,396 --> 00:14:51,613
The Earth is burning up!
266
00:14:51,698 --> 00:14:54,332
And now I got to deal with
all these whiny-ass biotches
267
00:14:54,382 --> 00:14:55,700
from my own party!
268
00:14:56,223 --> 00:14:59,434
Some have cited
my inability to make good
269
00:14:59,496 --> 00:15:01,992
on my campaign promise
to, uh...
270
00:15:03,197 --> 00:15:04,480
close Guantanamo Bay.
271
00:15:04,565 --> 00:15:06,231
Congress shut me down!
272
00:15:06,317 --> 00:15:07,983
I'm a president, y'all!
273
00:15:08,068 --> 00:15:10,514
I'm a president, not a king!
274
00:15:10,583 --> 00:15:11,987
They checked
and balanced my ass!
275
00:15:12,072 --> 00:15:14,957
I mean, goddamn!
276
00:15:15,571 --> 00:15:18,243
And then there are those
on the left
277
00:15:18,295 --> 00:15:20,963
who have criticized
my continued usage
278
00:15:21,048 --> 00:15:22,164
of drone strikes.
279
00:15:22,249 --> 00:15:23,513
You know what?
280
00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:25,876
Y'all can't have it
both ways, man!
281
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:28,835
What do you-- You can't have
the soldiers coming home
282
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,504
hugging the moms
and then also at the same time
283
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,005
have me killing--
284
00:15:33,091 --> 00:15:35,174
with the-- in the caves!
285
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,506
Y'all should be
embracing this technology
286
00:15:37,556 --> 00:15:38,889
'cause it's
pretty amazing, man.
287
00:15:38,945 --> 00:15:40,790
It's awesome. All you got to do
is pick up the phone
288
00:15:40,877 --> 00:15:42,682
and say, "Excuse me, I'd like
to order two dead terrorists."
289
00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:44,581
Blip.
Kablam!
290
00:15:44,618 --> 00:15:45,985
- Luther.
- It's amazing!
291
00:15:46,106 --> 00:15:48,780
I mean, we can murder people
292
00:15:48,804 --> 00:15:50,656
with flying robots!
293
00:15:50,744 --> 00:15:51,637
Luther, Luther--
294
00:15:51,692 --> 00:15:53,127
It's like we
in Star Wars world, dog.
295
00:15:53,189 --> 00:15:54,415
And I'm Darth Vader
up in this bitch.
296
00:15:54,415 --> 00:15:56,448
I'm like-- I know you are--
297
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:59,168
(indistinct chatter
coming from drone)
298
00:16:04,522 --> 00:16:07,607
Luther, what is wrong
in your head?
299
00:16:07,807 --> 00:16:10,808
Why would you compare
the president
300
00:16:10,901 --> 00:16:13,569
to one
of the lords of the Sith?
301
00:16:16,353 --> 00:16:18,720
Thank you and good night.
302
00:16:18,806 --> 00:16:21,523
(indistinct chatter
coming from drone)
303
00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:29,446
If Obama needed to snuggle,
I'd snuggle.
304
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,982
Yeah, I'd spoon
the president in a second.
305
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:33,867
You would get spooned
by the president.
306
00:16:33,902 --> 00:16:35,786
- Uh-oh.
- You can't--you can't risk
307
00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:38,905
Paparazzi coming up
and seeing you spooning him.
308
00:16:38,958 --> 00:16:41,792
Yeah, but that'd be a boost
for my career.
309
00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,243
Any of this, any moment.
310
00:16:43,295 --> 00:16:46,580
In any configuration,
spoon, spooner, or spoonee...
311
00:16:46,665 --> 00:16:47,998
- You're gonna be--
- I'm in good shape.
312
00:16:48,083 --> 00:16:49,916
You're like
a modern-day Marilyn Monroe.
313
00:16:49,969 --> 00:16:52,135
Oh, hell, yeah. I'm on the
cover of In Touch for a week.
314
00:16:52,221 --> 00:16:54,137
Talk about happy birthday,
mr. President.
315
00:16:54,223 --> 00:16:56,723
Yeah, I'm in just--
you kidding me?
316
00:16:56,759 --> 00:16:58,675
Get up in there
and get some slippers on.
317
00:16:58,761 --> 00:17:00,143
Play a little basketball
beforehand.
318
00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:01,428
Take a shower.
319
00:17:01,513 --> 00:17:03,597
Put on the night clothes.
320
00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:05,265
You ready, O?
You ready, Barama?
321
00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:06,316
Barama.
322
00:17:06,402 --> 00:17:08,769
(both laughing)
323
00:17:13,172 --> 00:17:14,967
So you got to keep
the toppings full.
324
00:17:15,052 --> 00:17:17,459
Okay, got it.
I'm on top of that.
325
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,045
You gonna fit in
just fine here.
326
00:17:19,345 --> 00:17:21,362
Hey, someday...
327
00:17:21,447 --> 00:17:23,364
That might be your picture
on the wall.
328
00:17:23,449 --> 00:17:26,283
Oh, employee of the year.
329
00:17:26,369 --> 00:17:27,618
When does she work?
330
00:17:27,670 --> 00:17:28,919
What?
331
00:17:28,955 --> 00:17:31,956
I was just wondering
when she works.
332
00:17:32,041 --> 00:17:36,210
Girl, it's me.
333
00:17:36,295 --> 00:17:38,796
Oh...
334
00:17:38,848 --> 00:17:40,965
Congrats.
335
00:17:41,050 --> 00:17:43,768
Now, here's the best part
about working at a yogurt shop,
336
00:17:43,803 --> 00:17:45,487
is you get
all the free froyo you want.
337
00:17:45,609 --> 00:17:46,687
Mm-hmm.
338
00:17:46,773 --> 00:17:48,639
And you can't believe
how delicious it is
339
00:17:48,691 --> 00:17:49,723
and also fat free.
340
00:17:49,809 --> 00:17:51,525
Thank God,
because my boyfriend--
341
00:17:51,611 --> 00:17:53,727
He just got back
from his tour in Afghanistan,
342
00:17:53,813 --> 00:17:55,563
and he's coming here
to pick me up.
343
00:17:55,648 --> 00:17:58,250
He should be here in a minute.
I haven't seen him in a year.
344
00:17:59,485 --> 00:18:00,951
A whole year, you say.
345
00:18:00,987 --> 00:18:03,954
Mm-hmm. Have some.
346
00:18:03,990 --> 00:18:05,990
I'm good.
347
00:18:06,042 --> 00:18:08,042
Now, if you need a extra shirt
or anything,
348
00:18:08,127 --> 00:18:10,661
they gonna be in there,
because these seem to shrink.
349
00:18:10,746 --> 00:18:11,829
- Uh-huh.
- Okay, you know what, girl?
350
00:18:11,914 --> 00:18:13,914
I can't get enough
of this stuff.
351
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,800
I mean, you should have some.
It's free.
352
00:18:15,835 --> 00:18:18,919
No, I'm okay.
I'm-- I'll have some later.
353
00:18:19,005 --> 00:18:21,672
Come on, girl, it's fat free.
354
00:18:24,510 --> 00:18:26,620
Hi. I just got back
from Afghanistan.
355
00:18:26,714 --> 00:18:28,346
I'm here looking
for my girlfriend, Latia.
356
00:18:28,409 --> 00:18:29,346
Aah!
357
00:18:29,432 --> 00:18:30,931
Baby!
358
00:18:32,735 --> 00:18:34,568
Baby, what-- what?
It's me.
359
00:18:34,654 --> 00:18:36,403
No, it's not.
360
00:18:36,489 --> 00:18:39,657
What? It's me.
361
00:18:39,692 --> 00:18:41,358
Apparently she doesn't work
here anymore.
362
00:18:41,444 --> 00:18:42,860
Thanks.
363
00:18:42,912 --> 00:18:45,696
What?
364
00:18:46,188 --> 00:18:48,999
Oh, my God!
He's leaving me!
365
00:18:49,035 --> 00:18:52,086
Desmona, is he leaving me?
Desmona, why would he leave me?
366
00:18:52,171 --> 00:18:56,040
What-- What possible reason could
there be for him leaving me?
367
00:18:56,125 --> 00:18:59,009
For him leaving me?
368
00:18:59,045 --> 00:19:01,879
Maybe he--
maybe he got that PSD. PSD.
369
00:19:01,964 --> 00:19:04,632
- What? Oh, you mean the PTSDs?
- The PTSDs.
370
00:19:04,717 --> 00:19:08,102
You mean the post-traumatic
stress disorder.
371
00:19:08,187 --> 00:19:10,137
(crying)
It's got to be that.
372
00:19:10,223 --> 00:19:13,271
Oh, my God!
My baby got the PTSD!
373
00:19:14,060 --> 00:19:15,643
My baby got the PTSD!
374
00:19:15,728 --> 00:19:19,196
That could be the only reason!
375
00:19:19,232 --> 00:19:21,065
Oh, my baby!
376
00:19:21,117 --> 00:19:24,952
My poor, poor baby
got the PTSDs!
377
00:19:25,037 --> 00:19:27,404
Oh, my baby!
378
00:19:27,490 --> 00:19:30,407
(wailing)
379
00:19:38,217 --> 00:19:39,466
Ain't nobody caring
about centaurs.
380
00:19:39,552 --> 00:19:41,001
These dudes just running
around raping women.
381
00:19:41,087 --> 00:19:42,386
- Centaurs?
- Human women.
382
00:19:42,421 --> 00:19:43,754
Oh, yeah, them too.
They were bad at it.
383
00:19:43,839 --> 00:19:46,390
How does a centaur
even have sex with a human?
384
00:19:46,425 --> 00:19:47,591
Oh, they do it.
385
00:19:47,643 --> 00:19:52,012
If I was a woman
and I saw a centaur,
386
00:19:52,098 --> 00:19:53,847
why would I not get up on that?
387
00:19:53,933 --> 00:19:56,734
The dude is half man,
half horse.
388
00:19:56,769 --> 00:19:58,602
- You would want--wait.
- I'm just saying.
389
00:19:58,688 --> 00:20:00,354
You're saying
if you were a woman--
390
00:20:00,427 --> 00:20:01,655
If I'm a woman
391
00:20:01,727 --> 00:20:04,227
and the centaur had a really
nice personality, you know...
392
00:20:04,694 --> 00:20:06,994
Personality aside,
what are you saying?
393
00:20:07,079 --> 00:20:08,362
You know
exactly what I'm saying.
394
00:20:08,447 --> 00:20:09,663
The dude is half man...
395
00:20:09,749 --> 00:20:11,665
You would fuck a horse.
396
00:20:11,751 --> 00:20:14,451
Half-- No.
Half man, half horse.
397
00:20:14,537 --> 00:20:16,670
So you're saying
you want to have sex with a--
398
00:20:16,756 --> 00:20:18,756
The important half is a--
is the horse half,
399
00:20:18,791 --> 00:20:20,631
but then you have a man
connected in there too.
400
00:20:20,682 --> 00:20:21,675
That's all I'm saying.
401
00:20:21,761 --> 00:20:24,178
Dude, that is the craziest,
sickest shit
402
00:20:24,263 --> 00:20:25,679
you've ever said
in your fucking life.
403
00:20:25,765 --> 00:20:27,681
I'm talking
about a mythological creature.
404
00:20:27,767 --> 00:20:29,966
Dude, you could've said
"I would have sex
405
00:20:29,991 --> 00:20:32,190
"with a female centaur",
and just that.
406
00:20:32,212 --> 00:20:34,385
I would-- I wouldn't have sex
with a female centaur.
407
00:20:34,421 --> 00:20:36,778
But then, you would have sex
with a male centaur.
408
00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:40,031
If I-- If, perhaps, I was a woman,
and I had that--
409
00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:42,119
Didn't you see Fantasia?
410
00:20:42,476 --> 00:20:45,240
- Yeah.
- Those female centaurs was hot.
411
00:20:45,289 --> 00:20:46,818
Oh, my God. I--
412
00:20:46,929 --> 00:20:48,502
- But okay. No, I got you.
- I'm saying--
413
00:20:48,555 --> 00:20:50,265
You'd rather have sex
with a male centaur
414
00:20:50,277 --> 00:20:51,925
- than a female centaur.
- Not me.
415
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,012
I'm gonna do my one line here
416
00:20:54,075 --> 00:20:55,701
Oh, yeah!
417
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:59,547
Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com
418
00:20:59,597 --> 00:21:04,147
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
29447
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
