All language subtitles for Life in Pieces s04e03 Misery Turd Name Pills.eng

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JOHN: How's your knee
feeling, Joanie?

The doc seemed pretty confident
when he said one week.

But, y-you know,
you got to get out of bed,

put some weight on it. Here.

No. I don't trust that doctor.
He wore jeans.

Hmm.

Wait, don't go. Don't go.

Oh, I'm so bored.

Well, geez,
I'd love to hang out,

but, uh, I got an appointment
I cannot break.

With whom?

Whoever they pair me up with.

[sighs]

[door opens]SOPHIA:
Hey, Mom-Mom.

Sophia. You came to see
the Mom-Mom you love.

Oh, I'm just delivering
a sandwich.

No, no, no. You want to talk
and tell me all your problems.

Perhaps, uh, you're feeling
invisible at school?

No, school's great. I just got
to name our new mascot,

Inclusive the Rainbow.Oh.

I guess I did just get kind of
annoyed with my mom, though.

Oh, wonderful. Tell me, honey.
Sit down, tell me.

I wanted her to play a game,

but she said she's too exhausted
from taking care of you

and listening to all
your complaints and demands.

Hmm. Well, you know,

I gave her 40 years,

and she walked some toast
across the street,

so I guess we're even.

She said you owe her. Later.

Whoa, honey,
don't leave me, please.

You know, I can play
that game with you.

Really?

I didn't know there was a truth
or dare version of this game.

There's also an X-rated version
of Monopoly.

I found it
in Mom and Dad's closet.

Instead of a car,
there were handcuffs.

Instead of a thimble,
there was some...

Um, no, honey.
I-I understand what you mean.Okay, so,

"Dare one player
to run around the room."

I dare you.

Run? Get a grip.
I can't even walk.

Then I dare you
to prank call someone.

I don't know, not with me.

I'm not funny that way.

Seymour Butts doesn't live here.

Okay? Who is this?

You know what?
You are a little piece of...

[laughing]Oh, mercy.

Oh, that was upsetting.

I'm gonna go get
some more games.What?

I love having a broken Mom-Mom
who can't leave her bed.

One...

two...

Oh, phew. [sighs]

Four? That's too many.

[gasps][laughs]

JOAN:
Can we get out yet?

I'm a little starved for air.

[inhales deeply]We all are.
It's a nuclear holocaust.

Mm, right. But I...

SOPHIA:
Are you crazy?

[panting]Mom-Mom, it isn't safe.

Get back in the fort now.[grunts]

SOPHIA:
Wake up, Mom-Mom.

What's happening?

I'm the wicked stepmother.

You're gonna have
to eat your way out.

GREG:
Hey, Mom. Ooh.

A visitor. I'm up here!

[whispers]:
Shh. You need your rest.

I'll take care of it.Honey?

Oh! Hey, uh, Soph.
Th-This is for Mom-Mom.

Oh, okay. She's not taking
visitors right now.

She's resting.

JOAN: Uh, somebody's out
there. I can hear you.

Hello?

Did you call Uncle Greg?

No, I didn't.

I'll just hold onto this.

Anything you need,
I'll get you.

Well, would you untie me,
please?

No. I've got other
plans for you.

We're gonna smash geodes.

No, we're not.
I have had enough of this.

Just untie me!

I thought we were
having fun together.

Oh, darling.

I didn't want to do that.

I'm so sorry.

You've been just so...
you've been so wonderful to me.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

I'll tell you what.

You know, you go home,

and you just get us
some more games, okay?

I've got a really fun one

where the loser gets their
fingers electrocuted.

Brilliant.

[door opens]

[sighs]

SOPHIA:
Mom-Mom, you're walking?

Now we can play Twister.

MATT: So, we were thinking of having the whole family over

to our house, uh, to meet
our birth mother, Morgan.

She's coming to live with us

to ride out
the rest of her pregnancy.

So, when do we get
to meet this baby mule?

Friday. And, um, that's
the type of thing

that you can't call her,

because she might change her
mind about giving us her baby.

Oh.Honey, that's the best version
of what he was going to say.

To dear Morgan.

We're so honored
that you've chosen our family

to give this precious gift to.[phone ringing]

And Colleen and Matt...Hello? Hey.

Hey, you can keep talking.
It's fine.

Oh, well...

MORGAN: I'm so glad
you called. I'm, like,

literally having
the most awkward conversation

with this old lady right now.

I don't know.
Like, old. Like, 50?

You know what, this
might be, like,

a dying words type of thing,

so I'm gonna
call you back later.

Okay, bye. Go on.

Beautiful toast, Mom.Thank you so much.

MORGAN:
Oh, God.

This party blows. We
should totally ditch.

I don't even know anyone here.

I think that's
kind of the point.

Thanks, professor.

But you know what,
I did find one person

that I kind of connected with.

Yeah, my husband
is already connected.

Clem, stop.
It's not a good color on you.

You know what'd be a
good color on me? Red.

She is not even my type.

[gasps] You know what?
You two look like twins.

Being pregnant is the worst,
but it's also kind of the best.

Right? Now I can eat
what I want,

and I got to drop out
of high school,

and all my sex is safe.

Well, for the next
couple months.

Yeah. Uh...

Oh. Okay.

I was gonna go,
but then she did.

So...

I feel like I can still go.

Yeah, you can go.

[whispers]:
Bitch.

Morgan is a nightmare.

She can't talk
to my family this way.

I need to say something.

No, no, no. No, don't you dare.

We can't afford
to lose her, Matt.

Besides, if she's not attacking
your family,

she's attacking us,
and I need a break.

Honey, she told Greg
she could tell

his hair is dried
with a hairdryer,

and that's not something
that he wants out.

Well, what do you care?

You've been wanting
to expose that for years.

Yes, in a slow, like,
organized social media rollout

that I control.
That I control.Well,

you don't control her, Matt.
You don't control anything.

Haven't the last two
years taught you that?

What are you all doing in here?HEATHER: Shh!

[quietly]: We're hiding
from Morgan. Shut the door.Shh.

If you actually have to use the
bathroom, use the kitchen sink.

Well, it's just never easy

the first time
you're called a bitch.

Uh, wait, what happened?

Did Morgan call
you the B-word?

Mm-hmm.

I guess I always knew
it was coming.

I just thought
I had a couple more years

to be a kid, you know?

I'm just gonna go sit around

and wait for my period.

Aw.

You all should be
at the party,

you know,
supporting Matt and Colleen.

We support them in theory.

But, in practice,
we don't want to.

Yeah, Morgan's so mean.

If Tim heard the things
she said about him,

he'd drive his car
straight into the ocean.

Was it about my weight?
Ha-ha. Very original.

No, it wasn't
about your weight.

Oh, no.

Oh, babe, no. That's
potpourri, honey.

I don't even care.JOHN: Listen up.

We got to support
Matt and Colleen.

I mean, th-they're looking
like exhausted parents

and they don't
even have a kid yet.

Yeah, Morgan called them gunty,

which cannot be good.

That is not nearly as bad
as what she said about Tim.

Come after the dome?

Oh, very clever.

No.

Oh, no.

JOHN:
We got six weeks

and they'll get that baby.

In the meantime,

you all got to put up
with that turd's crap.

Wait.

[toilet flushing]So it's believable.

[insects trilling]

There is no excuse
for Morgan's behavior.

We can't put your family
through this.

No. So, our options are,

uh, either we confront her
and risk losing the baby...

...or we just put our heads down

and we deal with it.

[exhales]

She's our problem.

Let's go tell your family
they can go.

[sighs] Hey, guys,
uh, we need to talk.

So, Morgan,
maybe you and Sam

should go to the
movies next weekend.

SAMANTHA [unenthusiastically]:
Sounds fun.

Uh, yeah.
And, uh, next week,

Jen and I can take you
to the beach.

MORGAN: Love it.
[gasps] Oh, my gosh.

I'm gonna dig holes and then put
towels over them. [laughs]

Cool. Like to hurt people.

Yeah, you got it.

You guys,

your family is so dope.

[phone rings]Oh, wait. Hang on.

Don't worry, she didn't die.
It's fine.

I know. I know.

Guys, what's going on?
We thought

you were all hiding
in the bathroom because

you couldn't stand Morgan.

We can't stand Morgan.

But we love you.

And, you know, it's much
easier to swallow a turd

if you break it up
into little pieces.

Aw.

That's, like, a
famous quote, right?

Yeah, I think
it's Shakespeare.

[grunts]I can't believe you found
one of these bad boys.

I thought they were
sold out everywhere.No, I had

to go to the store right
before it opened and then outrun

a woman who was eight
and a half months pregnant.

And when I couldn't do that,
I had to pay her 100 bucks.

Well, worth it.
You know what they say--

the more money we spend,
the better parents we are.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Baby Alex
is gonna love it.

Alex?

I don't know. I just--

I keep coming back to it
for some reason.

Like, I think
it's such a cute name.Mm.

And, also, it works
for a boy or a girl.

So, do you like it?

I love it.

Let's do it.[squeals]

[chuckles]
Mwah.

And, honey, this time,
we have to keep it

from your family
until I have this baby.

Mm.Yeah, no one has the guts
to criticize a name

once it's attached
to a human.

JOAN:
There are

my pregnant sons.

I have a patient
who's a woodworker.

He's also an arsonist, but
woodworking is his real passion.

What do you think
about rocking chairs

to lull your little angels
to sleep?

Aw.
Oh...

Thanks, Mom. But, yeah, we
don't really need one of those.

Yeah, we just got
this hot new bassinet

that everyone's
talking about.

I mean, you probably saw
the article, right?

Parentsmagazine?

No?

I'd love a rocking chair.

We don't have
any nursery furniture yet.

Oh, honey,
I wanted these gifts to match.

I'll ask him to do something,
you know, simple yet elegant.

Like a stool.

Who doesn't love a simple stool?

Yeah! I mean,
why get a rocking chair

when you can have a stool?
Thanks, Greg.

[Greg stammers]

We have so many stools.

Uh, can it be
anything smaller,

like a-- like a baby
rattle or a wooden spoon?

Are you kidding me?

Ooh, a spoon!

Like an heirloom!

And I'll ask him

to engrave it. Oh!

Well, what are
the babies' names?

Oh, we were thinking
about naming--Uh, we-we were both,

uh, thinking that we'd
like to surprise the family

with our names.

Well, I'll tell Gene
to wait on the engraving.

Oh, my gosh.
Yikes.

Please forget I said
my patient's name was Gene.

Oh, it's terrible.

It really is
terrible.

Hey, sorry I had
to jump in there.

You do not want
to let anyone know

the name you've chosen
until the baby is born.

They'll crap all over it.Oh, man.
I'm not even worried

about it. You can't ruin
a great name like Alex.

Oh, uh, uh, what, Alex?

Wait, did Jen tell you our name?

No. Alex is the name we picked.

No, Alex is the name
that wepicked.

But you can't.

Well, we're gonna
have a baby first.

No, you're not.

Well, we named our baby first.

No, you didn't.

Well, we'll tell
the family first.

No, you won't.

What?

No.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, my God.

We're naming
our baby Alex.

[squealing, chatter]

Alex!

JOAN:
You heard!

What a perfect name!Mm.

JOAN:
I'll go tell Mr. Lewis.

Oh, damn it.

Now you know
my patient's last name.

Okay.

You screwed up.
That's obvious.

I don't need to
know the details.

I just need you to
go get the name back.

No problem.

How?

I'm gonna cut to
the chase, Greg.

You've lived
in your brother's shadow

for a long time.

Well, not really.

I'm, like,
five inches taller than him.

And I'm gonna need
you to go out there

and swing that
five inches around.

You know, really show
your brother who's boss.

Greg.

Hey, man. Things got a
little heavy back there,

but this is a time
for celebration.Mm.

Mm.You know? I
mean, we should

be helping each other
on this, uh, uh,

crazy journey called
parenthood, you know?

Couldn't agree more.

You have something
that I want.

Mm.
But I might have something you want.

I'm listening.

This says "Jarvis."

Now that is our backup
name, real primo. Choice.

God, it kills me to
be giving this up,

but it's yours
if you want it.

Seriously?

Matthew, please.
I'm desperate.

Got the name back.

[gasps]
Yes!

Oh. I never once
doubted you out loud.

Hey. So, uh, we'll pick up
the bassinet tomorrow?

You'll pick up
the what now?

There are a million
baby names out there,

but only one of these
bassinets in town.Mm.

You gave 'em our bassinet?

And two stools.

We hear you're
swimming in stools.

[chuckles]

You know what?

At least everybody
already loves the name.

We're naming
our baby Alex.

Joanie, I swear I've
lived this moment before.

I thought that was Uncle Matt
and Aunt Colleen's name?

Yeah, but
the important thing is that

the beloved family-sanctioned
name is now ours.

Oh, I don't know.

You know, I liked Alex
by itself, but Alex and Lark?

It sounds like two
little beagle puppies,

and one's fast, and the other
drowns in the river.

Huh.
Oh.

I knew an Alex.
He killed a Mark.

It's pretty
close to Lark.

What other names
are you kicking around?

If you guys don't want Alex
anymore, we'll take it.

Alex Short.
I like that.

Oh, hell no.

[whistle blows]

COACH:
All right, hustle back!

[indistinct chatter]

Hey!Mom, I think we should go
home. I don't feel good.

Mm. Yeah.
And I feel like it's something bad.

I'm pretty sure
it's my prostate.

Pro-Probably.
Let me give you one of these.

[sighs]There you go, sweetie.

Yeah, right?

Um... what did you
just give her?

Oh, this isn't real medication.

When Sophia says
that she's sick

but I think she's probably
just a little anxious,

I give her a candy
from a pill bottle,

then she thinks
she feels better.

[whistle blows]
COACH: Jump ball!

[indistinct shouting]

Yeah!
That's genius!

Yeah, it's good.

You could make a fortune selling
those to my family alone.

Yeah. Here you go.

First one's free.
Hmm.

What's all this?Oh! Tim, it's so exciting.

You know how I always give
the kids those fake pills?

Well, word spread around
the basketball moms,

and now I'm selling 'em.

Oh, that's amazing.

I call them, "Feel-Betters."

Oh, that's good.
Yeah.

Yeah, makes you think
you'll feel better.

Where'd you get
all the bottles?

Remember when I was asked
to step down

from the school gala committee,

and then I had
that little moment?

Five months was a little moment?

Well, I saved
all my pill bottles.

Well, look at you.

Took real human darkness, turned
it into a fun business idea.

Good for you.

I know. Isn't it amazing?

Oh, Tim, I feel
like this is how Amazon started.

[grunts]

Probably.

Oh, no, it feels so good
to have my own business.

And you know
the best part about this is

that I'm doing everything
all by myself.

[sighs]

All right, guys, how we doing?

Mmm. [gulps]Um, Tim, honey?
Yeah, not paying you

to eat the product.You're not paying us at all.

Well, why would I?
You are terrible at your job.

I havea job. I'm a doctor.

Yeah? Well, here, you are
just a hot piece of ass.

Aah!

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!

Aunt Heather brought
Soph to play group!

Hi, guys.
HEATHER: Oh!

I just came to drop off
these toys of Sophia's.

Oh, wow. Thank you.
That's so sweet.Oh. Yeah.

It's, uh... six Legos

and half a doll
with her hair ripped out.Mm-hmm.

I mean, Sophia doesn't need
that stuff anymore,

now that she's in
the sixth grade.

Well, I may be
a big girl,

but sometimes I get
little-girl feelings.

I get nervous
and anxious

and sometimes even
a little scared.

HEATHER:
Yeah, and as a

caring mom on the go,

I know exactly what you need.

Feel-Betters.

What is happening?What are Feel-Betters?

They're my favorite organic,
farm-to-table medicine.

Yeah, here you go, sweetie.

Thanks, Mom.Yeah.

[whispering]:
It's just a placebo,

[in normal voice]:
but it's the magical medicine

that takes her tummy
from owie to wowie.

I feel so much better,
and confident.

Like,
if my parents were divorced,

I wouldn't feel any stress
about it.

Can I get some of those?

Bill just left us.

Oh, my God. Claire,
are you okay?

She will be, because I've got
ten bottles of Feel-Betters

right in my purse for $9.99.

Of course you do.

That was a nice performance,
Soph.

Hey, can I talk to you guys
about your, uh, Feel-Betters?

[chuckles]
Oh, yeah. Jen, I'm sorry.

I can't shave anything
off the price

just because
you're family.

Uh, listen, as a lawyer,
I should warn you

that selling anything
even remotely close to medicine

just opens you up
to a host of legal landmines.

Good ones?

No. No.

You're encouraging kids

to take a pill
every time they feel bad.

I mean, what happens
when a kid pops a handful

of his mom's Valium thinking
he's eating Feel-Betters?

Oh, that's a lot of Valium.Not if his hands
are really small.

Well, that's not the takeaway.

Oh God, no.

I feel so terrible.What?

Oh... No, Tim!
Why didn't you stop me?

This was a terrible idea!
You're a doctor.

'Cause I'm your husband first,
and you were really happy.

[scoffs]All right, fine.

I'll go fire the kids.
Sophia's gonna be pissed.

She's been saving up
her vacation days.

HEATHER:
I feel so stupid.

Everything I do is
for somebody else.

You know, it's for my kids
or my husband or my parents,

and I just wanted something
for myself, and... I blew it.

No.
[scoffs]

Heather. Hey.

You had an idea that you
turned into an actual business.

Yeah.
So, it kills children.

Big deal.
Oh...

Your next idea will be a hit

that might not
kill children, huh?

And when that happens, I'm gonna
be right here to support you.

Thank you.

You know what?

I do have another idea,
actually. Oh, yeah?

Okay, you know
how some kids eat glue?Uh-huh.

Well, what if you just put
vitamins right in the glue

and get Vita-Glue?

But, uh, they're still
eating glue, so...

Yeah, I'll just get
my real estate license

like all the other moms do.

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