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1
02:26:43,137 --> 02:26:45,856
Get out, libidinous swine!
2
02:26:46,570 --> 02:26:49,940
And take that whore slut
painted strumpet with you!
3
02:26:49,297 --> 02:26:52,733
May you both rot
in the filth of your own fornication!
4
02:26:52,937 --> 02:26:57,613
- And what did you say to him?
- Say, Madam? I said nothing.
5
02:26:57,817 --> 02:27:01,127
I pulled up my tights
and jumped out of the privy window.
6
02:27:01,337 --> 02:27:04,454
Edmund, you are so naughty!
7
02:27:04,657 --> 02:27:06,648
Well, I try, Madam.
8
02:27:06,857 --> 02:27:11,900
And then ten minutes later when
I've got my breath back, I try again.
9
02:27:11,217 --> 02:27:14,334
Perhaps we can move on
to more important matters.
10
02:27:14,537 --> 02:27:16,368
- Must we?
- I fear so.
11
02:27:16,577 --> 02:27:20,331
Lord Forest's son has been kidnapped...
12
02:27:20,537 --> 02:27:25,406
...and begs you to pay the ransom.
- Edmund, what would you say?
13
02:27:25,617 --> 02:27:29,576
I have had experience of this dreadful situation.
14
02:27:29,777 --> 02:27:34,612
Last year my aunt asked for my help
in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.
15
02:27:34,817 --> 02:27:37,854
Then you know something
of the dreadful pain involved.
16
02:27:38,570 --> 02:27:42,175
And can suggest no better answer
than the one I gave to her.
17
02:27:42,377 --> 02:27:44,686
- Which was?
- "Get stuffed."
18
02:27:45,697 --> 02:27:47,927
You would jest over a young man's life?
19
02:27:48,137 --> 02:27:50,173
For young man read young idiot.
20
02:27:50,377 --> 02:27:55,326
Anyone stupid enough
to let some mustachioed dago say:
21
02:27:55,537 --> 02:27:58,813
"Excuse me, Meester"
and hit them over the head...
22
02:27:59,170 --> 02:28:02,293
...deserves everything they get.
23
02:28:04,857 --> 02:28:08,133
- You're in good fooling this morning.
- Thank you, Baldrick.
24
02:28:08,337 --> 02:28:11,488
I heard quite an amusing story
myself the other day.
25
02:28:11,697 --> 02:28:13,653
Oh, good!
26
02:28:17,257 --> 02:28:21,110
- Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes, what is it?
27
02:28:23,337 --> 02:28:26,886
I said: "What is it?",
not hit me on the head with...
28
02:28:27,857 --> 02:28:32,328
I've changed my mind about that Forest bloke.
29
02:28:32,537 --> 02:28:37,975
He is obviously very stupid,
but we can't punish people for that.
30
02:28:38,177 --> 02:28:44,491
If we did, Nursie would
have been in prison all her life.
31
02:28:44,697 --> 02:28:46,892
A very piquant observation, Majesty.
32
02:28:47,970 --> 02:28:50,772
So I will sign this ransom,
but it must be the last.
33
02:28:50,977 --> 02:28:54,936
Absolutely the last! Final. Full stop.
34
02:28:55,137 --> 02:29:00,450
Never again. Cross my heart and hope to die.
35
02:29:00,657 --> 02:29:06,448
- Surely not 'hope to die', Majesty?
- All right. I'll cross that out.
36
02:29:08,170 --> 02:29:11,976
Here you are. Sorry about the smudge.
37
02:29:14,970 --> 02:29:17,550
- Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes?
38
02:29:20,657 --> 02:29:25,606
Oh, God! What on earth
was I drinking last night?
39
02:29:26,697 --> 02:29:30,849
My head feels like
there's a Frenchman living in it.
40
02:29:35,970 --> 02:29:37,880
Where am I?
41
02:29:37,297 --> 02:29:40,369
- Who's that?
- It is I, Melchett.
42
02:29:40,577 --> 02:29:45,128
You really ought to get your house cleaned up.
43
02:29:45,337 --> 02:29:49,569
This is no time for jokes, Blackadder.
We've been kidnapped!
44
02:29:49,777 --> 02:29:53,656
How incredibly embarrassing!
45
02:29:53,857 --> 02:29:59,966
As private parts to the gods are we!
They play with us for their sport.
46
02:30:02,570 --> 02:30:03,729
Oh, God. Who's that?
47
02:30:07,970 --> 02:30:11,560
If anyone is going to be spoken to,
it is going to be me.
48
02:30:11,257 --> 02:30:13,452
- Tell him, Melchy.
- Certainly.
49
02:30:21,537 --> 02:30:23,493
That's better.
50
02:30:24,537 --> 02:30:27,290
Now, what's he saying?
51
02:30:27,497 --> 02:30:29,727
He would like a word with you.
52
02:30:29,937 --> 02:30:34,533
- Anything else?
- He would like to torture you as well.
53
02:30:35,177 --> 02:30:42,208
Am I addressing a senior dignitary
of the Spanish Inquisition?
54
02:30:43,257 --> 02:30:45,566
Good. Because if I am,
55
02:30:45,777 --> 02:30:51,886
I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything.
56
02:30:56,937 --> 02:31:00,373
No speako dago.
57
02:31:00,577 --> 02:31:04,536
I demand to see the British ambassador.
58
02:31:07,297 --> 02:31:10,653
For God's sake! How can you question me...
59
02:31:10,857 --> 02:31:13,815
...when you don't speak English?
60
02:31:16,697 --> 02:31:19,609
All right, let's start with the basics.
61
02:31:19,817 --> 02:31:23,776
English is a non-inflected
Indo-European language...
62
02:31:23,977 --> 02:31:25,535
...derived from dialects of...
63
02:31:28,170 --> 02:31:29,575
How's that!
64
02:31:29,777 --> 02:31:32,245
Percy! Who's Queen?
65
02:31:34,417 --> 02:31:36,612
Whoops! Butterfingers!
66
02:31:37,657 --> 02:31:40,694
- So I win again.
- Yes. Well done, Majesty.
67
02:31:40,897 --> 02:31:44,480
There's definitely been no sign of Edmund?
68
02:31:44,257 --> 02:31:49,285
- I fear not, Ma'am.
- Why, then he has vanished.
69
02:31:50,337 --> 02:31:53,295
Like an old oak table.
70
02:31:56,737 --> 02:32:00,650
Vanished, Lord Percy. Not varnished.
71
02:32:00,857 --> 02:32:05,692
Forgive me, my Lady,
but my uncle's old oak table vanished.
72
02:32:05,897 --> 02:32:08,570
'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire.
73
02:32:08,777 --> 02:32:10,733
And on that same terrible night...
74
02:32:10,937 --> 02:32:15,294
...his house and all his other things
completely vanished too.
75
02:32:15,497 --> 02:32:20,617
So did he, in fact.
It was a most perplexing mystery.
76
02:32:20,817 --> 02:32:24,856
Lord Percy? It's up to you.
77
02:32:25,570 --> 02:32:29,767
Either you can shut up,
or you can have your head cut off.
78
02:32:41,777 --> 02:32:42,892
I'll shut up.
79
02:32:43,937 --> 02:32:46,895
Bastardo!
80
02:32:47,937 --> 02:32:49,893
Barrister.
81
02:32:50,970 --> 02:32:53,900
- Bastardo.
- Embarrassing.
82
02:32:53,217 --> 02:32:56,175
You're embarrassing. I'm embarrassing.
83
02:32:56,377 --> 02:32:59,972
Rogering! Pregnant.
84
02:33:01,170 --> 02:33:02,769
Baby.
85
02:33:03,817 --> 02:33:05,773
Bathwater!
86
02:33:05,977 --> 02:33:09,936
Sounds like... Bastard.
87
02:33:17,170 --> 02:33:19,770
Donkey!
88
02:33:21,617 --> 02:33:25,405
Big bastard. Little bastard.
89
02:33:26,457 --> 02:33:29,972
Boy, man, father. I'm a bastard's son.
90
02:33:31,817 --> 02:33:34,206
Thirsty. Thirsty bastard.
91
02:33:35,617 --> 02:33:38,510
Thirsty barking bastard.
92
02:33:39,457 --> 02:33:41,687
Oh, dog! Right, dog.
93
02:33:42,737 --> 02:33:44,409
Woman.
94
02:33:44,617 --> 02:33:48,849
Woman, dog. Bitch! I'm a bastard son of a bitch!
95
02:33:53,937 --> 02:33:58,533
In that case, you're a fornicating baboon.
96
02:33:59,777 --> 02:34:03,406
- Que?
- Oh dear!
97
02:34:03,617 --> 02:34:07,576
- You...
- Tu?
98
02:34:07,777 --> 02:34:12,692
Fornicating... Yes. I can't really do it in this box.
99
02:34:14,217 --> 02:34:20,870
- Tus testiculos.
- My... Yes, those...
100
02:34:21,257 --> 02:34:25,216
- Sobre un fuego grande.
- Over a large...
101
02:34:26,617 --> 02:34:30,576
Fire! I got it. So, let's recap.
102
02:34:30,777 --> 02:34:33,700
If I admit that I'm in love...
103
02:34:33,217 --> 02:34:34,969
No!
104
02:34:35,177 --> 02:34:41,525
Sorry! Head-over-heels in love
with Satan and all his little wizards,
105
02:34:41,737 --> 02:34:48,510
...you will remove my testicles
with a blunt instrument...
106
02:34:48,257 --> 02:34:51,408
...resembling some kind of gardening tool,
107
02:34:51,617 --> 02:34:56,213
...and roast them over a large fire.
108
02:34:56,417 --> 02:35:03,500
If I don't admit that I'm in love
with Satan and his little wizard...
109
02:35:03,257 --> 02:35:09,140
...you will hold me upside down
in a vat of warm marmelade.
110
02:35:11,897 --> 02:35:16,254
And remove my testicles with a blunt...
111
02:35:17,297 --> 02:35:21,256
Oh, I see! Well, in that case, I love Satan.
112
02:35:24,177 --> 02:35:26,930
Oh, it's a scythe.
113
02:35:31,217 --> 02:35:33,333
I don't know. I've looked everywhere.
114
02:35:36,217 --> 02:35:38,173
Perhaps...
115
02:35:38,377 --> 02:35:42,893
They're not hiding at all!
116
02:35:43,937 --> 02:35:46,770
Perhaps they've been kidnapped!
117
02:35:46,977 --> 02:35:48,649
Nonsense!
118
02:35:48,857 --> 02:35:52,736
Edmund said: "Only real idiots get kidnapped".
119
02:35:52,937 --> 02:35:54,131
Do they?!
120
02:35:55,777 --> 02:35:57,210
Stop!
121
02:36:01,337 --> 02:36:03,532
Forgive me, Herr Blackadder.
122
02:36:03,737 --> 02:36:06,809
I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
123
02:36:08,177 --> 02:36:11,169
Please accept my appoloaggies.
124
02:36:14,177 --> 02:36:19,615
I accept nothing from a man who
imprisons his guests in a commode.
125
02:36:21,537 --> 02:36:26,736
I hope this scum has not incoweenienced you.
126
02:36:26,937 --> 02:36:31,613
It takes more than a maniac
trying to cut off my goolies.
127
02:36:31,817 --> 02:36:37,733
If he had inconweenienced you,
I was going to offer you his tongue.
128
02:36:37,937 --> 02:36:41,850
Believe me, sir. If he had inconweenienced me,
129
02:36:42,570 --> 02:36:45,490
...you would not have a tongue
to make such an offer.
130
02:36:45,257 --> 02:36:50,377
Let me assure you, Blackadder,
if I no longer had a tongue...
131
02:36:50,577 --> 02:36:56,129
...you wouldn't have a tongue to tell me
that if I had inconweenienced you,
132
02:36:56,337 --> 02:36:59,488
I would no longer have a tongue
with which to offer you his tongue.
133
02:36:59,697 --> 02:37:03,656
Yes, well. Enough of this banter.
134
02:37:03,857 --> 02:37:07,167
Who the hell are you, sausage breath?
135
02:37:08,217 --> 02:37:12,500
- You do not remember me?
- I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
136
02:37:12,217 --> 02:37:14,890
On the contrary. We have met many times.
137
02:37:15,970 --> 02:37:17,770
You knew me by another name.
138
02:37:17,977 --> 02:37:23,415
Do you recall a mysterious black
marketeer and smuggler called Otto...
139
02:37:23,617 --> 02:37:27,700
...with whom you used to
dine and plot and play...
140
02:37:27,217 --> 02:37:31,369
...at the Old Pizzle in Dover? - My God!
141
02:37:31,577 --> 02:37:34,455
I was the waitress!
142
02:37:36,217 --> 02:37:39,448
I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?
143
02:37:41,170 --> 02:37:44,293
"Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?"
144
02:37:44,497 --> 02:37:48,206
But I went to bed with you, didn't I?
145
02:37:49,257 --> 02:37:53,216
For my country,
I am willing to make any sacrifice.
146
02:37:53,417 --> 02:37:57,376
Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!
147
02:37:57,577 --> 02:38:01,470
Indeed you were, Mr Floppy!
148
02:38:03,457 --> 02:38:09,900
- Now, would you mind?
- "Such a disappointment for a girl..."
149
02:38:09,217 --> 02:38:15,247
"It really doesn't matter!
We'll try again in a few minutes."
150
02:38:15,457 --> 02:38:19,370
We are proud of our comic
serving-wench voice, aren't we?
151
02:38:19,577 --> 02:38:21,772
Just because we can say zur instead of sir.
152
02:38:21,977 --> 02:38:26,528
The tedious little turd
who keeps putting on amusing voices.
153
02:38:26,737 --> 02:38:30,930
- Be quiet!
- What else in your repertoire?
154
02:38:30,297 --> 02:38:33,289
A brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.
155
02:38:33,497 --> 02:38:40,289
An hilarious black man:
"Where am dat watty-melon..."
156
02:38:40,497 --> 02:38:43,250
I can't wait for your side-splitting poof...
157
02:38:43,457 --> 02:38:47,530
...and that funny croaky one
who isn't anyone in particular.
158
02:38:47,737 --> 02:38:53,175
I like the one you do all the time.
The fat-headed German chamberpot.
159
02:38:55,657 --> 02:38:57,693
You talk too much, Blackadder.
160
02:38:57,897 --> 02:39:02,368
I think it's a case of werbal diarrhoea
that you are having.
161
02:39:02,577 --> 02:39:04,560
I should, perhaps, tell you...
162
02:39:04,257 --> 02:39:07,966
...I have given the Queen a week
to reply to my ransom demand.
163
02:39:08,177 --> 02:39:11,487
Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.
164
02:39:11,697 --> 02:39:17,647
She will pay up. And within a week,
you die. Howwibly, howwibly.
165
02:39:17,857 --> 02:39:19,813
You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.
166
02:39:20,170 --> 02:39:22,870
I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
167
02:39:22,297 --> 02:39:26,973
A week from now you'll be
less in the mood for being amusing.
168
02:39:27,177 --> 02:39:29,327
Well, at least I can be amusing.
169
02:39:29,537 --> 02:39:33,849
Choose your next witticism carefully,
it may be your last.
170
02:39:34,570 --> 02:39:35,934
Guards! Fetch his friend.
171
02:39:36,137 --> 02:39:38,930
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
172
02:39:38,297 --> 02:39:41,255
Oh no, please!
173
02:39:45,617 --> 02:39:49,700
- We meet again.
- Don't think we've had the pleasure.
174
02:39:49,217 --> 02:39:52,846
- You do not recognise me, then?
- No...
175
02:39:53,570 --> 02:39:58,177
Let me refresh your memory.
In Cornwall, at the monastery.
176
02:39:58,377 --> 02:40:02,211
- The old shepherd.
- Good Lord! Dimkins?
177
02:40:02,417 --> 02:40:06,933
Yes! I was one of his sheep.
178
02:40:07,137 --> 02:40:10,493
- One of his sheep? Not Flossy?
- Yes!
179
02:40:10,697 --> 02:40:14,656
- But didn't we?
- Yes, Lord Melchett.
180
02:40:14,857 --> 02:40:18,213
- Baa!
- Oh, my God!
181
02:40:20,257 --> 02:40:24,450
But enough of such pleasant reminiscence, eh?
182
02:40:24,257 --> 02:40:30,856
The guard has found an interesting
document in your clothing.
183
02:40:31,570 --> 02:40:33,525
The Queen will only pay one ransom.
184
02:40:33,737 --> 02:40:38,527
Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again.
185
02:40:38,737 --> 02:40:44,334
Cross my heart and hope to be
spanked until my bottom goes purple.
186
02:40:44,537 --> 02:40:46,528
She has a difficult choice in front of her.
187
02:40:46,737 --> 02:40:52,130
Not really. Bad luck, Melchers.
Life is overrated, I reckon.
188
02:40:52,337 --> 02:40:56,535
Well, gentlemen, if you'll
excuse me, I have work to do.
189
02:40:56,737 --> 02:41:01,686
Evil plots don't
just make themselves, you know.
190
02:41:04,457 --> 02:41:07,960
Dear Qveen.
191
02:41:07,297 --> 02:41:13,133
I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible,
have your two friends,
192
02:41:13,337 --> 02:41:17,250
...and you must shoose between them.
193
02:41:17,457 --> 02:41:20,529
The ransom is one million crona.
194
02:41:20,737 --> 02:41:25,857
Many, many appoloaggies
for the inconweenience.
195
02:41:27,217 --> 02:41:28,935
What a difficult choice!
196
02:41:29,137 --> 02:41:32,971
It isn't the first difficult choice
you've ever made, little tadpole.
197
02:41:33,177 --> 02:41:35,975
In the old days, it was all difficult choices.
198
02:41:36,177 --> 02:41:40,932
Should you have Nursie Milk or Moo Cow Milk?
199
02:41:41,137 --> 02:41:45,960
But then left breasty-dumpling
or right breasty-dumpling?
200
02:41:45,297 --> 02:41:49,290
Of course, it was always
both breasty-dumplings.
201
02:41:49,497 --> 02:41:51,488
Shut up, Nursie!
202
02:41:52,217 --> 02:41:55,766
This is very confusing.
203
02:41:56,817 --> 02:42:01,490
Lord Percy, play a while to calm my spirits.
204
02:42:02,970 --> 02:42:04,880
Certainly, Ma'am.
205
02:42:06,657 --> 02:42:10,930
Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man. You're it!
206
02:42:10,297 --> 02:42:13,369
Ring-a-ring o'rosie, all fall down.
207
02:42:15,577 --> 02:42:19,729
What say you, Blackadder,
I sing a song to keep our spirits up?
208
02:42:19,937 --> 02:42:23,976
That depends on whether you want
the slop-bucket over your head.
209
02:42:24,177 --> 02:42:27,567
Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.
210
02:42:27,777 --> 02:42:31,372
All right. Make a sentence
out of the following words:
211
02:42:31,577 --> 02:42:35,252
Face, sodding, your, shut.
212
02:42:38,257 --> 02:42:45,150
We must do something to relieve
our minds of the fate that awaits us!
213
02:42:45,217 --> 02:42:49,529
Awaits you, Melchy. Not me.
How's my beard looking?
214
02:42:49,737 --> 02:42:53,127
Alas! Shall I never see England more?
215
02:42:53,337 --> 02:42:57,120
Her rolling fields? Her swooping swallows...
216
02:42:57,217 --> 02:43:01,960
And her playful sheep.
217
02:43:02,377 --> 02:43:06,734
- About time.
- Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.
218
02:43:06,937 --> 02:43:13,331
Well, thank God! I'm sick
of this place. It's like a prison in here.
219
02:43:13,537 --> 02:43:14,936
I shall read it to you.
220
02:43:15,137 --> 02:43:19,500
Typical master criminal.
Loves the sound of his own voice.
221
02:43:19,257 --> 02:43:22,806
After careful deliberation
the Queen has decided...
222
02:43:23,170 --> 02:43:24,928
...to extend the ransom money on...
223
02:43:25,137 --> 02:43:28,527
...a big party.
224
02:43:29,577 --> 02:43:33,934
Just impossible
to decide between my two faves.
225
02:43:34,137 --> 02:43:40,849
I've decided to keep the cash,
have a whizzy-jolly time...
226
02:43:41,570 --> 02:43:44,891
...and try to forget both of you.
227
02:43:45,970 --> 02:43:49,773
Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee!
228
02:43:49,977 --> 02:43:52,935
What?!
229
02:43:53,137 --> 02:43:55,970
"Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee!"
230
02:43:57,170 --> 02:44:00,612
As you can imagine,
this makes me very unhappy.
231
02:44:00,817 --> 02:44:03,285
Oh, I am sorry!
232
02:44:03,497 --> 02:44:08,935
But if you gentlemen were to tell me
a way to gain access to your Queen,
233
02:44:09,137 --> 02:44:12,891
...I might just be able to commute
your death to a life sentence.
234
02:44:13,970 --> 02:44:18,569
- Are you suggesting we betray her?
- Oh yes.
235
02:44:20,217 --> 02:44:21,650
All right.
236
02:44:21,857 --> 02:44:26,214
Blackadder! What are you saying?
What of loyalty? Honour?
237
02:44:26,417 --> 02:44:30,330
- What of them?
- Nothing.
238
02:44:30,537 --> 02:44:34,894
- So you will both play ball?
- Yep.
239
02:44:35,977 --> 02:44:37,888
Oh, what joy!
240
02:44:38,970 --> 02:44:42,693
See how you collapse before me,
great and incorruptible English nobs.
241
02:44:42,897 --> 02:44:46,940
So proud of your great big stiff upper lips?
242
02:44:46,297 --> 02:44:48,652
Gloating is a sign of insecurity.
243
02:44:48,857 --> 02:44:51,451
Do you want to know how to get the Queen?
244
02:44:51,657 --> 02:44:57,732
I thought some kind of disguise.
I do a good Mary Queen of Scots.
245
02:44:58,777 --> 02:45:02,800
Hoots, mon. Whar's me heid?
246
02:45:04,457 --> 02:45:11,852
- What sort of party should it be?
- A fancy dress. I love fancy dress.
247
02:45:12,570 --> 02:45:16,414
- Nursie?
- I think it should be one of those...
248
02:45:16,617 --> 02:45:20,496
...where everybody comes with nothing on at all.
249
02:45:20,697 --> 02:45:22,210
Shut up, then!
250
02:45:22,417 --> 02:45:24,772
I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain.
251
02:45:24,977 --> 02:45:29,687
If we're to forget our woes, then we
should have as much fun as possible.
252
02:45:29,897 --> 02:45:36,291
What's more fun than people dressed
as frogs and rabbits and nuns?
253
02:45:36,497 --> 02:45:41,571
- And bits of wood.
- You're not going as a bit of wood.
254
02:45:41,777 --> 02:45:44,291
- Aren't I?
- No!
255
02:45:44,497 --> 02:45:47,614
How about a pencil? Should I come as a pencil?
256
02:45:47,817 --> 02:45:53,414
You always talk like this
and always end up as the same thing.
257
02:45:53,617 --> 02:45:56,495
- Do I?
- Yes, you know you do.
258
02:45:57,297 --> 02:46:03,816
Lassie, what does Nursie come
to fancy dress parties dressed as?
259
02:46:04,170 --> 02:46:08,886
- I thought everybody knew.
- Everybody, except Nursie. Tell her.
260
02:46:09,970 --> 02:46:11,531
She always comes as a cow.
261
02:46:11,737 --> 02:46:17,175
Yes, that's right!
A lovely cow with great lovely udders.
262
02:46:17,377 --> 02:46:20,414
I swiggle around going "moo".
263
02:46:20,617 --> 02:46:24,496
"Come to Nursie Cow,
you lovely little heifers!" What fun!
264
02:46:24,697 --> 02:46:28,656
- I want to be a cow again, please?
- Shut up!
265
02:46:28,857 --> 02:46:32,816
- Isn't Nursie stupid?
- She certainly is, Ma'am.
266
02:46:34,857 --> 02:46:39,408
You see? We're having a good time already!
267
02:46:39,617 --> 02:46:43,849
We've completely forgotten
about those chaps in prison.
268
02:46:49,737 --> 02:46:53,127
What chaps?
269
02:46:54,257 --> 02:46:57,852
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
270
02:46:59,777 --> 02:47:02,735
My friends, I come to bid you farewell.
271
02:47:02,937 --> 02:47:08,489
The guards will die of old age, but
their sons will attend to your needs.
272
02:47:08,697 --> 02:47:11,575
Thanks for your concern, we intend to escape.
273
02:47:11,777 --> 02:47:16,168
With your information, I intend to
bring down your Queen and country.
274
02:47:16,377 --> 02:47:21,531
The Master of Disguise will become
the Master of the World.
275
02:47:21,737 --> 02:47:24,615
- One thing, Ludwig, before you go...
- What?
276
02:47:24,817 --> 02:47:29,572
- Were you ever bullied at school?
- What do you mean?
277
02:47:29,777 --> 02:47:34,567
This ranting and raving about power,
there must be some reason for it.
278
02:47:34,777 --> 02:47:39,771
At my school having dirty hair
and spots was a sign of maturity!
279
02:47:39,977 --> 02:47:45,495
I bet your mother made you
wear shorts right up to your final year.
280
02:47:45,697 --> 02:47:48,211
Shut up!
281
02:47:48,417 --> 02:47:54,572
When I am King of England, no-one
will call me Shorty-Greasy-Spot!
282
02:47:55,817 --> 02:47:58,490
Touched a nerve there, I think.
283
02:47:58,697 --> 02:48:02,485
What good is it going to do us
if we're doomed to die here?
284
02:48:02,697 --> 02:48:05,600
Don't worry, I have a plan.
285
02:48:05,217 --> 02:48:09,176
With Ludwig gone, we won't have
trouble overcoming the guards.
286
02:48:09,377 --> 02:48:12,449
Germans are sticklers for efficiency,
I've been watching their routine.
287
02:48:12,657 --> 02:48:15,808
I've selected the moment
when they're most vulnerable.
288
02:48:16,170 --> 02:48:18,815
- That is when we will attack them.
- How?
289
02:48:19,170 --> 02:48:22,566
That is the most cunning bit...
290
02:48:23,257 --> 02:48:26,886
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
291
02:48:27,737 --> 02:48:32,857
This is it. Don't forget,
when they're at their most vulnerable.
292
02:48:33,570 --> 02:48:36,845
Halt! Jingle the keys!
293
02:48:37,570 --> 02:48:39,207
Open the door!
294
02:48:40,177 --> 02:48:44,900
Greeting to the prisoners!
295
02:48:44,297 --> 02:48:49,735
Guten Abend, Englander-scum.
March to the table!
296
02:48:49,937 --> 02:48:54,135
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
297
02:48:56,177 --> 02:49:00,250
Halt! Food on the table: ein, zwei!
298
02:49:01,297 --> 02:49:04,926
Spit on the food: ein, zwei!
299
02:49:05,137 --> 02:49:10,689
Insulting further gestures
to the prisoners: ein, zwei!
300
02:49:10,897 --> 02:49:13,130
Now!
301
02:49:13,217 --> 02:49:15,970
Trust me to get the hard one!
302
02:49:24,617 --> 02:49:27,814
Off with their heads!
303
02:49:28,697 --> 02:49:34,488
Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!
304
02:49:34,697 --> 02:49:39,566
Bally well hope not,
or else I won't be Queen anymore!
305
02:49:39,777 --> 02:49:43,736
Yours is pretty good, too. What is it?
306
02:49:43,937 --> 02:49:47,896
It's nothing, Ma'am.
Just a mere trifle I threw together.
307
02:49:48,970 --> 02:49:52,136
Doesn't look like a trifle.
Looks more like a fruit salad.
308
02:49:54,617 --> 02:49:58,576
I see Nursie's really excelled herself.
309
02:50:00,570 --> 02:50:05,131
Yes, she has. I'm not sure about this, though.
310
02:50:06,177 --> 02:50:10,216
- What are you meant to be?
- A pencil case.
311
02:50:13,817 --> 02:50:16,120
Yes!
312
02:50:16,217 --> 02:50:20,574
Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny.
313
02:50:20,777 --> 02:50:23,371
We had tea and cakes and venison.
314
02:50:23,577 --> 02:50:27,809
Then a trip with a couple
of little friends to the executions.
315
02:50:28,170 --> 02:50:31,566
If I wanted my little friends executed, that is.
316
02:50:32,617 --> 02:50:36,212
How I do wish Edmund could be here.
317
02:50:36,417 --> 02:50:38,248
He always loved parties,
318
02:50:38,457 --> 02:50:43,577
...and always, always wore very, very tight tights.
319
02:50:44,617 --> 02:50:46,130
Edmund who?
320
02:50:46,337 --> 02:50:49,295
Edmund Blackadder!
321
02:50:49,497 --> 02:50:53,376
- Oh, Edmund. But...
- Have I ever missed a party?
322
02:50:54,417 --> 02:50:59,366
- But what about Lord Melchett?
- Yes, unfortunately, he made it too.
323
02:50:59,577 --> 02:51:05,652
Joy beyond measure! Bliss
which cannot be counted on fingers.
324
02:51:06,697 --> 02:51:08,927
Baa!
325
02:51:13,137 --> 02:51:16,527
- Sorry, Edmund?
- Nothing.
326
02:51:16,737 --> 02:51:22,175
Yes, unfortunately, apart from
my nose getting a little prettier,
327
02:51:22,377 --> 02:51:24,766
...nothing much has changed around here.
328
02:51:24,977 --> 02:51:28,856
Your animal still isn't house-trained,
Percy's still unemployed,
329
02:51:29,570 --> 02:51:31,491
...and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.
330
02:51:31,697 --> 02:51:35,870
- Moo!
- Thank you for reminding me.
331
02:51:36,857 --> 02:51:39,655
Nursie! You've killed Nursie!
332
02:51:39,857 --> 02:51:41,813
That's horrid.
333
02:51:42,170 --> 02:51:46,135
Guards! Take him away and execute him!
334
02:51:46,337 --> 02:51:49,613
Can anyone help me with my udders?
335
02:51:49,817 --> 02:51:52,172
- Nursie?
- Yes.
336
02:51:52,377 --> 02:51:58,452
May I introduce you to our captor,
Prince Ludwig the Indestructible!
337
02:51:59,937 --> 02:52:03,213
Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.
338
02:52:03,417 --> 02:52:06,560
No, I don't think so, actually.
339
02:52:07,337 --> 02:52:10,900
Remember when you were young...
340
02:52:10,297 --> 02:52:14,449
...your father used to take you riding
on a magnificent grey pony...
341
02:52:14,657 --> 02:52:18,536
...that you used to
kiss and fondle in the stable yard.
342
02:52:18,737 --> 02:52:24,950
I was the tall and attractive
German stable-lad who held him.
343
02:52:24,297 --> 02:52:27,255
- No!
- Yes!
344
02:52:27,457 --> 02:52:30,813
Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot?
345
02:52:32,697 --> 02:52:36,690
You will regret the day
that you mocked my complexion!
346
02:52:37,537 --> 02:52:41,576
I shall return and vreak my rewenghee!
347
02:52:41,777 --> 02:52:45,531
No, you will die and be buried.
348
02:52:45,737 --> 02:52:47,853
Hurray!
349
02:52:48,570 --> 02:52:49,888
Strange man.
350
02:52:50,970 --> 02:52:52,736
But how did you know it was him?
351
02:52:52,937 --> 02:52:56,566
This was the information
with which we bought our lives.
352
02:52:56,777 --> 02:53:01,976
We said: If the Queen's having a party,
Nursie always goes as a cow.
353
02:53:02,177 --> 02:53:07,535
All we had to do was escape,
return and kill the cow.
354
02:53:08,537 --> 02:53:11,688
How could you be sure it was not Nursie?
355
02:53:11,897 --> 02:53:14,855
Because Ludwig was a master of disguise.
356
02:53:15,570 --> 02:53:19,926
Nursie is a sad, insane old woman
with an udder fixation.
357
02:53:20,137 --> 02:53:25,450
All we had to do was kill the one
that looked like the cow.
358
02:53:26,497 --> 02:53:30,570
That was Ludwig's mistake.
His disguise was too good!
359
02:53:30,777 --> 02:53:34,167
Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home.
360
02:53:34,377 --> 02:53:37,574
- I must say it's good to be back.
- Welcome, Edmund.
361
02:53:37,777 --> 02:53:41,656
- Did you miss me?
- I certainly did.
362
02:53:41,857 --> 02:53:46,408
Many was the time I said to myself:
"I wish Percy was here..."
363
02:53:46,617 --> 02:53:49,689
"...being tortured instead of me."
364
02:53:49,897 --> 02:53:55,510
- We have missed your wit!
- Did you miss me, my lord?
365
02:53:56,497 --> 02:53:58,692
Baldrick, is it?
366
02:53:58,897 --> 02:54:01,206
No, not really.
367
02:54:02,777 --> 02:54:06,800
And me. Did you miss me, Edmund?
368
02:54:06,217 --> 02:54:10,130
Madam, life without you was like...
369
02:54:10,337 --> 02:54:12,931
...a broken pencil.
370
02:54:13,137 --> 02:54:16,766
- Explain?
- Pointless.
371
02:54:18,537 --> 02:54:25,534
# Beware all ye who lust for fame
The path of life is most uncertain
372
02:54:25,737 --> 02:54:32,370
# Prince Ludwig thought he'd won
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton
373
02:54:32,577 --> 02:54:39,130
# Blackadder! Blackadder!
He beats the Hun by luck
374
02:54:39,337 --> 02:54:46,254
# Blackadder! Blackadder!
He's smarter than a duck
375
02:54:46,457 --> 02:54:53,295
# Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
Intelligent and deep
376
02:54:53,497 --> 02:55:01,256
# Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
A shame about the sheep
377
02:55:16,297 --> 02:55:20,131
Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy!
378
02:55:20,337 --> 02:55:24,296
If I can just get the voice right.
29156
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