All language subtitles for 15. In A Bed Of Roses

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see
the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

Well... here we are.

- Rose... please.
- I can't, Al.

We've been seeing
each other for a month, Rose.

I've never wanted anyone so much.

What about your place?

My sister's there. She's an
insomniac. We'd have an audience.

I can't let you stay here.
I just can't.

I simply can't take you to a hotel.
It just cheapens it.

I guess we're doomed.

Let's talk inside.

The thing is, I've never done this
before - bring someone home.

I understand.

Are you quiet?

I'm whispering.

I don't mean now.
I mean then.

Oh, very quiet.
I'm very quiet.

I don't scream. I don't shout.
I'm a very quiet person.

I even wear quiet clothes - all solids.

- I'm quiet, too.
- Then we'll be fine!

I just don't want the others
to know you're here.

They'll never know.

In the morning,
we're getting up early to play golf.

- You can leave while they're gone.
- Great.

- They won't know?
- Never.

OK... but quiet.

Like a mouse.

- Good morning.
- Oh, boy.

That must have been some dream
you were having last night.

- What are you talking about?
- I never heard such a racket.

I thought you were making love.

No, no, I wasn't. No.
It was a nightmare -

an awful nightmare, just terrible.

Isn't it interesting how
the sounds are the same

for awful nightmares
and great sex?

Really?
I wouldn't know.

- Oh, Dorothy, come on.
- Shouldn't we get going, girls?

You don't make noise?

- No.
- How can you not?

Well, I guess I always felt
it wasn't very ladylike.

- We should go, girls.
- Hold your bladder, Rose.

- Not a sound?
- Well, it never seemed to warrant one.

- Well, do you talk?
- I've always wanted to,

but at that point, it seems that nobody
is ever interested in conversation.

Not conversation!

I mean... dirty talk.

- Dirty talk?
- Well, not filth, for God's sake.

Dirty talk?

- Morning, Sophia.
- Morning.

- Dirty talk?
- Later.

There's a man in your bed.

- Oh, Sophia, there's not.
- Why, you devil, you.

So that was what we heard, Rose!

- Rose got lucky.
- Not so lucky.

The man in your bed is dead.

- What?
- Dead.

Oh, Sophia.

He's not dead.
I was just in there.

So was I.
I went to put back your laundry.

I see there's a man
in the bed, so I introduce myself,

but he doesn't answer. He's dead.

He-He's shy.
He's very shy.

Didn't sound so shy last night.

OK, fine, let a dead guy lie there.

It's gonna be 98 degrees today.
It won't be pretty.

Oh, I'm sure he's not dead.
Rose, go look.

Come on, he's sleeping.
I don't want to wake him.

You could light firecrackers
in his nostrils. You won't wake him.

All right, now, Rose, go on.
I don't want dead people in my house.

People? We are talking about one
man, who is probably sleeping.

You don't think I can recognize death?

I lived in a retirement home.
Death visited more often than children.

- Rose, go on.
- Well, I can't.

- Why?
- I'm afraid. You go.

Oh, no. I can't go in there.
I have a thing against dead people.

I've never seen one.
I never intend to.

Didn't you see your husband
when he was dead?

Oh, no. I cannot look at dead people.
That's why I don't even watch the news.

Every now and then
they stick a corpse in on you.

You could be watching a perfectly
lovely story about Central America,

all of a sudden,
bam, a dead body.

This is ridiculous! I mean, here we
sit, calmly eating our bran flakes,

when there could be a dead man
in the house. I'll go.

- She's very brave.
- Boy, I'll say.

I want someone to come with me.

I'll go, I'll go. I'm from Sicily.
What's the big deal?

He's not dead... but he'll wish he was
when those two barge in on him.

- Who is he?
- His name is Al.

- No, I mean, what's he do?
- He imports diamonds.

Oh, damn, I hope he's not dead.

He bought the farm.

What farm?

Rose, he's dead.

- No.
- Yes.

Oh, my God.

The poor man.

And with a new farm and everything.

Honey, I'm sorry.

- When did he die?
- I wasn't there, Rose. You were.

You mean, I slept
with a dead man last night?

Honey, I sleep with them all the time.

He was so quiet. I just thought
he was a sound sleeper.

- What'll we do?
- Well, we call the police.

I didn't murder him!

Of course you didn't murder him, honey.
He probably had a heart attack.

Now, look.
His family has to be notified.

Now, did he ever speak of any family?

He had a sister he lives with.

- Yeah, what's her name?
- His name was Al Beatty.

Her name was Beatty, too.
She never married.

I suppose I have to tell her.

Oh, yes, you do.
You cannot let the police tell her.

Oh, the night George died,
my telephone rang

and a highway patrolman said,
"Pardon me, ma'am.

Do you have a yellow convertible
and a husband named George?"

I said, "Yes. Good grief,
what's happened?"

And he said, "Hold on, ma'am."
He put me on hold,

with that music while you wait.

I sat there at two in the morning,

listening to Herb Alpert
and the Tijuana Brass.

And then after an eternity,
he comes back on the line, eating chips.

He says, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am,
but I'm the only one here.

My phone's been ringing off the hook."
I said, "Officer, what about my husband?"

And then he said, crunching his chips,

"Oh, he's dead.
Wrong way driver hit him head-on.

Totally dead, ma'am."
Crunch, crunch.

Oh, no!

Puts me on hold, and then eats Doritos
while he tells me my life is over.

Oh, Rose has to tell her.
Rose won't eat chips.

I never eat chips.
I don't like them.

They fall in my bra.

Well, honey, you've got to do it.

His sister lives in Boca Raton.

- I'll look it up.
- Oh, thank you.

I can't sleep in a bed that's
had a dead person in it. I just can't!

- You'll get a new bed. And sheets.
- And sheets. And a blanket.

Burn down the house.

Oh, poor Al, and he just
got a hair transplant.

Here's a Beatty in Boca Raton.
It's the only one.

And somebody told me
he just bought a farm.

Oh, my God.
What'll I say to her?

- That he died in the bed of an idiot.
- Ma!

- You tell the truth.
- Well, I can't tell her the truth.

- I can't tell her where he died.
- He died visiting.

- That's what you tell her.
- Visiting.

- Right.
- Visiting - that's good.

Oh, I just can't believe he's dead.

- I don't think she's home.
- It rang once!

Hello?

Is this Miss Beatty?

I beg your pardon?

Well, do you have a brother, Al?

I see. Well, I must have
the wrong number. I'm sorry.

Wrong number?

- Right number, wrong person.
- What do you mean?

That wasn't his sister.
That was his wife.

- He was married.
- I can't believe it.

There's a married dead man in my bed!

- Serves him right.
- Ma!

- He lied to her.
- I don't know why they do that.

Don't they know we'll
sleep with them anyway?

What am I gonna do? I can't
tell her her husband died in my bed.

Tell her you went
to turn on the sprinklers

and you found him on the lawn.

- That's not bad.
- Oh, Rose.

Well, I've never had to do this before -

tell a wife that her husband's
been cheating on her with me.

That's the hardest thing to tell anybody.

Oh, no, it's not. How about having
to tell a pregnant woman

that her husband's
been cheating on her...

...with her own sister...

...and you're the sister...

...and you're pregnant, too...

...by her husband.

You didn't!

Not me... last night on Dallas.

Or Dynasty. or Falcon's Landing.

or one of those.
They're all the same.

Oh, I thought you were the one.

Oh, please. I could never
do anything like that.

If you saw my brother-in-law,
you'd know why.

Look, Rose. You're gonna
have to go tell her.

I mean, she's probably
worried sick already.

I've never done anything like this. Tell
a woman her husband's been seeing me?

Mm-hmm, and she'll say,
"Why, that dirty rat. I will kill him."

And you say, "Good news, darling.
You don't have to. He's dead."

(doorbell

Hello, I'm Rose Nylund.

I'll save you some time.
I don't wear Avon, I have a mop,

and I'm still paying for an encyclopedia
that my son used just once

to look up Sexual Genitalia, Female.

Mrs. Beatty, it's not that.
It's about your husband.

He dumped you. You've been
dating him and he dumped you,

and now you're
getting even by telling me.

- No, that's not...
- I've heard this before,

- I can't tell you how many times.
- You have?

You think you're the first? Please.

The first time Al slept with someone
else was on our honeymoon.

- No!
- In Paris - the chambermaid.

He always had the sign on the door,
"Maid Service Requested."

He slept with everyone -
secretaries, schoolteachers,

babysitters, neighbors, friends.

One Easter, we gave
our little boy some rabbits.

They used to look at Al in amazement.

How long had you been seeing him?

About a month...
but that's not why I'm here.

- I have bad news.
- Well, you couldn't be pregnant.

Last night, Al had
a heart attack and died.

Oh, Mrs. Beatty,
I'm so very, very sorry.

Well, you must have the wrong Al.

You've been sleeping
with someone else's Al.

My Al is as healthy as a horse.
It can't be him!

- Al Beatty, from Boca Raton?
- Yes.

- You're telling me Al is dead?
- Yes.

A heart attack is crazy.

He was a runner.
He couldn't have a heart attack.

I'm talking, so it can't be true.
You know what I mean?

If I keep talking, it isn't true.

All I have to do is talk forever.

Oh, God, Al!

I'm all right.
I'm OK.

Al... the big jerk.

I loved him.

He was a decent man, you know?

I know.

- He was.
- Caring.

- Very.
- Special.

And it's all my fault!

He had a heart attack.
It's not your fault.

He had a heart attack with me.

Mrs. Beatty, my late husband
had a heart attack with me as well.

They drop like flies around me!

Mrs. Nylund, you're not responsible
for the death of my husband.

- I'll never date again.
- You will.

I won't. I can't.

- In time, you'll forget this.
- Never.

I promise you.

It's OK.
I'll get used to being alone.

- Mrs. Nylund.
- Yes?

You've been sleeping with
my husband and he's just died.

See if you can pull yourself together,
because in a minute,

I'm going to need
some comforting myself.

All right, try this dressing
and tell me what you think.

It's called Creamy Zesty Italian,
only has one calorie.

Mmm. If you ran it under the faucet,
it would have more flavor.

Shoot.

Honey, beware of anyone who says,
"no calories," "absolutely no charge,"

and, "let's just lie down on the bed
and watch television."

- Hi.
- Hi. Did you do it?

- Yeah.
- And?

I'm gonna become a nun.

I'm the kiss of death. It's the second
time a man has died in my bed.

The second time?

- Dorothy knows.
- Charlie.

- No!
- Yes.

What exactly do you do in bed, Rose?

Nothing. I do nothing.

Well, maybe that's it.
They have to do it all.

Come on, Blanche. It's not her fault.
She has a perfectly normal sex life.

Now, I knew somebody
who had seven husbands

and six of them died
of stomach ailments.

Well, they arrested her. She'd been
putting ground glass in their salads.

- Why?
- Because she ran out of croutons!

Because she wanted to kill them, Rose.

We had a neighbor in Minnesota
who killed her husband.

She backed over him with a combine
and she didn't even know she had done it

until she found little bits
of plaid in the corn.

She said, "Funny, that looks
like bits of Joe's plaid shirt...

"...and that looks like
bits of Joe's overalls...

"...and that looks like
bits of Joe's arms...

...and that looks like bits of..."
- Rose!

We get the picture!

- They had a very little coffin...
- Ah!

Listen, Rose. You are not to blame.
Now, you know that.

Of course I know that.

She was driving the combine.
I wasn't anywhere near their farm.

Come on, Rose, it'll be fun.

- You like square dancing.
- No, thanks.

You're only gonna be dancing with men.
You can't kill them by doing that.

Nope. No more men.
That's it for me.

No more men? My God, I would die.
I would just die.

- It's not like no more food, Blanche.
- It's worse!

There are many women
who live happy lives without men.

- Oh, who?
- Well, Inga Lundqvist.

Who was she, some Swedish lesbian?

She was a neighbor of ours.

Not, by chance, the one who shredded
her husband with some farm machinery?

Yes, and she never remarried.

And she led a very happy
rest of her life baking,

sewing, gardening, tending the animals.

Ooh, my favorite things.

OK, let's get this show on the road.

Rose, you sure you don't
want to come and just watch?

Come on, Rose. You'll sit and watch
my dentures eat corn on the cob.

It's a lot of laughs.

No, I don't want to kill anyone else.

Honey, you sure you're gonna
be all right here alone?

She'll be fine. If someone breaks in,
she'll just have to sleep with them.

(doorbell

- Who is it?
- Mrs. Beatty.

Oh, Mrs. Beatty, come in.

I just had to come by.

You were so caring to come tell me
in person what happened

- that I had to do something for you.
- Oh, that wasn't necessary.

Well, I know you blame
yourself for Al's death.

Well, I just got the autopsy results,

and they showed that Al's arteries
were completely clogged.

Oh, his diet was terrible.
He never ate a vegetable.

He lived on fatty foods.
He'd have meat for dessert.

You didn't kill him, Mrs. Nylund.
He killed himself.

He committed suicide?

In a manner of speaking.

He'd have died whether
he'd been here or not.

I'm so glad...
not that he's dead.

I know. I just had to tell you
you had nothing to do with it.

- Thank you.
- And if he had to die,

I'm glad he didn't die
alone on the street,

but here, with a caring person,

doing what he liked to do best.

- Ma!
- What?

Will you stop telling her what to play?

I'm not saying a word.
Did I speak, Blanche?

- Not a word.
- You keep shaking your head.

I've been holding it up for 80 years.
You'd shake, too.

Well, what do you think?

- Of what, honey?
- My new dress.

- Oh, is that new?
- Yes.

It's sort of old-fashioned looking.
I wasn't sure it was new.

- Oh, that's the style. The girl told me.
- What was she, a pilgrim?

Come on, Blanche.

You look wonderful, Rose.
Absolutely lovely.

Well, I suppose I should go.
I haven't had a date in three months,

but I just don't know what to do.
I adore Arnie.

He's the sweetest man in the world,
and very special to me.

And it'll be hard no to, you know,
because I like him so much,

and since we're going away for the
weekend, and since we already have,

if I don't, then he'll think
I don't like him anymore, and I do.

So maybe I will, but I don't know.
I might not.

Rose!

Rose, honey, you know you are
not responsible for Al's death,

so why don't you just go on,
have a good time,

- and whatever happens, happens.
- I know Al had bad arteries,

but still, I can't be totally sure.

Come on, now, Rose.
You do what makes you comfortable

and don't worry about anything else.

OK.

Well... I'm off.

Totally!

I wonder where she is.
She's almost two hours late.

Oh, they probably hit traffic.
I bet she slept with him.

I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't.

Well, I sure couldn't be
with a man I liked and abstain.

You know, I abstained
after Stan and I split up...

...but it wasn't a very different experience
from when Stan and I were together.

- Oh, here she is.
- Well? Well, what happened?

- What?
- How was it? You had a terrible time?

- You had a wonderful time?
- Honey, tell us what happened!

Arnie... I slept with him.

- And?
- He died.

- What?
- Oh, no, Rose.

And the sheriff - I told him about me,
how I kill men...

...and he didn't believe me!

He said, "Let's see.
Sleep with me."

So I did...

...and the sheriff died.

Arnie's fine!
We had a wonderful time.

Everything's terrific.
I was only joking!

- You what?
- It was a joke!

- A joke.
- That's a terrible joke!

- Awful!
- You can't joke about a thing like that!

- My God, Rose!
- Well, I'm sorry.

- I believed her.
- I was set to go to her hanging.

Some joke!

I thought it was funny.