All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0807 - Take My Wife, Please

All right. Now, let's review
this year's Halloween strategy.

This is the Miller house.

The Millers give away
nice, healthy fruit...

...so obviously we'll be egging
the Miller house.

Now, Mr. Grover here,
he doesn't believe in Halloween...

...but I say we ring his doorbell
over and over again anyhow.

- Well, how come?
- He's a Jehovah's Witness...

...and I want him to know
what it feels like for a change.

I'm sorry I'm late.

We had a Halloween party
down at the extermination company.

It was fun for a while, but we
all learned a very valuable lesson:

Never spray poison into
each other's mouths and play Twister.

People were dropping like flies.

Well, that just goes to show you,
you're never too blond to learn.

All right, kids. Let's put on our
costumes that we made last night.

I ran out of ideas.

All right, let's go.

Peggy.

I'm in terrible trouble.

How'd you know it was me?

Well, you told me
you were going as a princess.

Anyway, I'm hosting a Halloween
charity fundraiser tonight...

...for women who killed their husbands
just to watch them die.

You can't imagine how hard it is
to find an appropriate theme party.

And then it hit me. What I needed
was a mega-star rock group.

And I did it. I got the hottest
rock group from the '70s.

The Village People.

Surely you've heard
of the Village People.

They were huge. They sold millions.

And they just called collect
and said they can't make it.

So now I've got a house full
of angry menopausal women...

...who have paid $100 a head
to see the Village People.

So as a favor to me, I'd like you all
to come over to the party.

Thank God. I thought
she was gonna ask us...

...to dress up as the Village People
and entertain.

And dress up as the Village People
and entertain.

- That's insane.
- We couldn't possibly pull that off.

What kind of idiot would set himself
up for a suicide mission like that?

I don't know, Marcie.

Are you sure the lead singer
wore his pants this tight?

The cow these came from
couldn't walk in this leather.

Jefferson, there are women
at our house...

...who have killed their husbands
for saying, "Where's my bacon?"

Now, do you wanna be the one
to tell them there's no Village People?

Now, go oil your pecs
and get macho.

I'll oil my pecs,
but no way I'm getting macho.

I have my dignity.

So any other volunteers?

- No way, Mrs. D'Arcy.
- No way I'm going over.

There's $500 in it for you.

Oh, how I hate Halloween.

Ask me how much I hate Halloween.

More than that.

Well, they make all us employees
put on these costumes...

...like some woman's gonna say,
"Gee, I wasn't gonna--

I wasn't gonna buy
any shoes today...

...but since I see you
in a dinosaur costume, I will."

And the ride home
wouldn't have been so bad...

...if the kids had actually got gas...

...instead of painting the needle
on the gauge full.

But I don't mind pushing
the Dodge through gang turf...

...because I'm a mighty stegosaurus.

By the way, did I mention
how much I hate Halloween?

Go away.

Dear Al,
trick-or-treat plans are cancelled.

We're at Marcie's house
being Village People.

Love, Peggy.

P.S. There's a plate warming
in the oven for you.

How does she find the time?

I hate life, life hates me
Soon I'll--

Quiet, Buck.

Good dog.

I saw you push into the driveway,
Bundy. Open up.

All right.

Pint-sized, greedy little
shakedown artist.

What the hell do you want?

What the hell do you think?

It's Halloween, I'm in a costume,
I have a bag.

I don't have any candy. Go away.

Say, are you one of those dinosaurs
that spits?

- No.
- Well, I am.

Next to Christmas, Thanksgiving,
Sunday through Monday...

...Halloween's gotta be the worst day
of the year.

Bundy is a doody-head

Bundy is a doody-head

I wish I was dead.

Unless you're Death, go away.

That's it.

Look, kid, I'm out of patience
and I'm out of candy, so beat it.

- How'd you do that?
- I'm Death.

That's the first thing they teach you
in Death school. Gotta have a gimmick.

Hey, you are Death.

Oh, you found my G-spot.

I'm just kidding...

...you nearly departed
hunk of beefcake.

You mind if I take this hood off?

It's hot as hell in here,
and I just had my hair done.

Perfect.

This?

I thought that might get you.

Actually, I can look any way I want.

I can be your greatest fantasy.

I could be your worst nightmare.

I could be my worst nightmare...

...but who'd wanna go around
looking like Sally Struthers?

- But why me?
- You've been calling.

I have not.

Well, let's just check
the Grim Beeper, shall we?

Isn't this your number?

Yes. Maybe I have called for death
once or twice or a hundred times...

...but you know, it's just something that
you say, that you don't actually mean.

You know, like, "How you doing?"
Or "I love you."

I knew it.

Another weenie turning yellow
in the face of eternal darkness.

You know, you people make me sick.

I didn't have this hard a time
with Elvis.

- Then Elvis really is--?
- Oh, please.

It took six of us
to get him out of there.

We had to take the bathroom door
off the hinges...

...slipping on Ho Hos all the way.

You wouldn't lick
the back of his postage stamp...

...if you'd seen what I saw.

Oh, please don't take me!

Take somebody who deserves it,
like Michael Bolton...

...or whoever wrote
that Facts of Life theme.

Okay, Bundy, you caught me
on a good night.

Tell you what I'll do.
I'll cut you a deal.

A deal. Yes, a deal. Anything.
I'll do anything, but please...

All right.

Tell you what.

Anytime between now
and midnight...

...if any member of your family
says that they need you in any way...

...I'll let you live.

All my family has to do
is say they need me?

That's right.

- Just once?
- Just once.

Then I'll get my suitcase.

Here's me with all six
of the Three Stooges.

My favorite was Curly,
so I took him out first.

Here's me with John Wayne.

Listen, I don't wanna be rude...

...but shouldn't someone
be next door...

...finding out if my family
said they needed me?

We don't have to go all the way
over there.

This is Death in the '90s, baby.

Death has its own cable network.

DTV.

Tonight, a bus crash in Texas...

...followed by Growing Pains.

But first, let's join the D'Arcys.

We better hurry, Marcie.

I just saw one of them sharpening
her mustache comb into a shiv.

Come on, guys,
they're getting restless.

This is not going to work.

- It can't work.
- It will work.

- How?
- See, it's working already.

Now, all you have to do
is lip-synch to the record.

What's a record?

For you? A second date.

You know who I wish
were here to see this?

Me! Me! Come on, baby!
Say it, Peg!

The Supremes.

I'm much better at singing
"Love Child."

You know,
that's her pet name for me.

Yeah, see, sometimes I call her pookie
and then she calls me "The Supremes."

You'd lie to Death? Oh, how low.

"Macho Man"! "Macho Man"!
"Macho Man"!

Quiet, please.

And now the act you've all been
waiting for, the Village People.

Suppose my family lets me down...

...do you have any idea
where I might be going?

Well, you might want to bring along
a lot of sun block.

SPF one million.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

What's the next song?

There is no next song.
I just have the 45.

Look, this is degrading.

Worst of all, I don't even get to be
the sexy Village Person.

I quit.

Sing!

Hit it!

I know this isn't easy
for you, Bundy.

Death isn't easy for anybody.

Take Shakespeare, and I did.

Arguably the greatest writer
in history...

...and when it was his time,
all he could say was, and I quote:

Mondo disappointment for me.

Why, even Lincoln was able
to eek out a:

"Okay, okay. So let's not free them."

I'll tell you, this job sure isn't
as easy as it used to be.

Strike one.

How many times
have they sung that song?

I don't remember.

But I also don't remember the
Construction Worker having pimples.

And I don't remember the Indian
having boobies out to here.

And now the Village People will be
proud to take your requests.

Anything but "Y.M.C.A."

I heard "Y.M.C.A." Hit it, Villagers.

You know who I wish was here
to see this?

Say me, Al,
your ever-loving husband, Peg!

Cousin Wormy.

He has all
the Village People records.

Yes! But he doesn't have any nostrils,
does he, Peg?

Calm down, Bundy.

You'll give yourself a stroke.

Village People or not,
one more round of "Y.M.C.A."...

...and I say we hammer them
with their own tools.

Hey, Bud. I think these women
are getting mad.

We better throw them a crumb.

Hey, we're here.

Hey, by the way,
sorry about the Dodge out front.

- Why? Did you hit it?
- No, I'm just sorry about it.

That's the real Policeman.
I'd know that nightstick anywhere.

Don't make me use it.

Wait. If these are the real
Village People, who are they?

You frauds!

How dare you try
to pass yourselves off...

...as America's
best-loved disco kings.

Sorry we're late, everyone.

But it is Halloween,
and everybody gave us candy.

You've all been waiting,
so we'll kick it off...

...with a little something
that goes like this. Hit it, guys.

Guess that was my last chance, huh?

Now, now, Bundy.

It's still five minutes to midnight.

Have a little faith.

- Okay, kids, let's go.
- Wait, Mom, you gotta see this.

They hog-tied the Cowboy,
they handcuffed the Policeman...

...and they glue-gunned
the Construction Worker to the Indian.

Well, what about the other two?

They're TP'ing us.

They don't normally do this
till we sing "Feelings."

Hey, wait a minute.
They're throwing the good stuff.

Two-ply.

- No, that's one-ply.
- No, no, no.

- It's two-ply.
- Let's ask Dad.

Yeah, where is he
when we need him?

She said it. She said it.
My pumpkin said she needs me.

And for quite the noble cause,
might I add.

You know,
you are a lucky man, Bundy.

But I'll see you...

...day after you win the lottery.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

- Dad, wake up, wake up.
- Daddy, wake up.

- Was I dreaming?
- No, Daddy, you were dying.

My Verminator tank sprung a leak...

...and you've been breathing
in toxic poison. Here, smell.

Oh, my God,
we were so worried about you.

He's okay, Mom.
Don't call an ambulance.

I'm not. I was ordering a pizza.

Poison?

- So Death and the Village People--?
- Oh, no, no, no. That really happened.

But just so you wouldn't feel left out,
we invited them over here.

- What?
- Yes.

Okay, guys, hit it!