All language subtitles for John.Dies.at.the.End.2012.LIMITED.720p.BluRay.x264-GECKOS.HI

MAN'S VOICE:
Solving the following riddle

will reveal the awful secret
behind the universe,

assuming you do not
go utterly mad in the attempt.

Say you have an ax...
just a cheap one from Home Depot.

(CHOPPING)
- On one bitter winter day

you use said ax to behead a man.
(GRUNTING)

Don't worry...
the man's already dead.

Maybe you should worry,
'cause you're the one who shot him.

He'd been a big twitchy guy

with veined skin
stretched over swollen biceps,

tattoo of a swastika on his tongue.

And you're chopping off
his head because

even with eight bullet holes in him,

you're pretty sure he's about
to spring back to his feet

and eat the look of terror
right off your face.

You now have a broken ax.

- So you go to the hardware store...
(BELL JINGLES)

...explaining away the dark reddish
stains on the handle as barbeque sauce.

(RAIN PATTERING)
- The repaired ax sits undisturbed

in your house until the next spring

- when one rainy morning...
(CHITTERING)

So you grab your trusty ax
and chop the thing into several pieces.

(CLANGS)
- On the last blow, however...

Of course a chipped head means
yet another trip to the hardware store.

As soon as you get home with
your newly-headed ax though...

(GROANING)
- You meet the reanimated body

of the guy you beheaded last year,

only he's got a new head
stitched on with what looks like

plastic weed-trimmer line
and wears that unique expression

of you're-the-man-who-killed-me-
last-winter resentment

that one so rarely encounters
in everyday life.

So you brandish your ax.

(RASPY)
That's the ax that slayed me.

MAN'S VOICE:
Is he right?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(DISTANT BARKING)

(FIGURINE SQUEAKING)

DAVE'S VOICE:
My name is David Wong.

I once saw
a man's kidney grow tentacles,

tear itself out
of a ragged hole in his back

and go slapping
across my kitchen floor.

But that's another story.

(INHALES DEEPLY, GASPS)

More side effects.

It's always like this
when I'm on the Sauce.

- I dosed six hours ago.
(PLATE CLINKS)

My count had 5,829 grains
of rice on her plate.

The rice was grown in Arkansas.
The guy who ran

the John Deere harvester
was nicknamed Cooler.

(SQUEAKING)

I'm not a genius.
I'm not a psychic either.

Just side effects, that's all.

(MAN'S VOICE, DISTORTED)
David Wong?

(NORMAL VOICE) David Wong?

What, did you doze off there?

Hey, you're...
you're Arnie, right?

Arnie Blondestone.
Sorry I'm late.

You don't look Asian,
Mr. Wong.

I'm not.
I was born right here.

Had my last name changed though.
Thought it'd make me harder to find.

You know that Wong is
the most common surname in the world?

Mmm. Is your family still around?

No, I was adopted.
I never knew my real dad.

You could be my dad for all I know.

Are you my dad?

Uh... (CHUCKLES)

I don't think so, no.

Anyway, my adopted family
moved away.

I won't tell you
where they went, but...

get out your pen, 'cause you're
gonna wanna write this down.

My biological mom,
she was institutionalized.

Must've been hard.

She was a strung-out,
crank-addicted cannibal,

dabbled in vampirism
and necromancy.

Blew her welfare check
every month on black candles.

Really? And I thought
my mom was bad

because she wouldn't
let me watch "Space Ghost."

- You pulling my leg?
- No, this is just what I do

when I get nervous.
Um, she was bipolar, that's all.

Couldn't keep a house.
But isn't the other story better though?

- I think you should use that.
- I thought you wanted

to get the truth out,
your side of it.

If not, what are
we even doing here, Mr. Wong?

You're right. Sorry.

So you guys are...
you're what?

You're some kind
of spiritualists?

Exorcists?
Something like that?

DAVE'S VOICE:
I could blow your world away, Arnie.

If I show you
what's in this container,

you'll never feel at one
with the human race

until the day you die.

You ever shit yourself, Arnie?

'Cause you would've
if you'd been there last night.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

MAN ON TV: He's a seeker
of truth in an age of fear.

(MAN 2 WHISPERS) Marconi.
MAN: - He is willing to face down

- the legions of evil.
MAN 2: - Marconi.

MAN:
He will help his fellow man

to find a path into the light.

MAN 2: Marconi.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGS)

(BEEPS)

- Hello?
- Hey, this is John.

Your pimp says bring
the crack shipment tonight

or he'll be forced to stick you.

Meet him where
we buried the Korean whore...

the one without the goatee.

DAVE'S VOICE:
That was John's code.

It meant "Bring your gear
and come to my place

as soon as you can.
It's important."

John, it's 3:00
in the morning, man.

JOHN:
Oh, and don't forget...

tomorrow's the day
we kill the president.

- John.
(BEEPS)

DAVE'S VOICE: That last part was code
for "Stop and pick me up some beer

on the way."
(BEEPS)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING) (KNOCKING)

Dave. Come in.

- Dave, this is Shelly.
(DOOR CLOSES)

She needs our help.

So, Shelly, tell us your story.

It's my boyfriend.
He won't leave me alone.

He's been harassing me
for the past week.

I'm terrified to go home.

- Miss...
- Morris.

Miss Morris,

I'd strongly recommend
a women's shelter.

They can help you get

- a restraining order...
- My boyfriend...

has been dead for two months.

I didn't know where else to go.

I heard through a friend
that you guys handle...

unusual problems.

Shelly, when he comes,
you can see him?

Yes, and I can hear him.

- He hits you?
- Man, what a dick!

Shelly, in our experience,

spiritual beings
that can manipulate objects

in the physical world are rare.

Uh, look, Miss Morris,
I really don't think...

I told her
that we'd look into this tonight.

I thought that maybe
you and I could go over there

and show this bastard what's what.

JOHN:
So where do you see him mostly?

SHELLY:
In the basement.

And once in the bathroom

when I was on the toilet,
he stuck his hand

- through the seat once.
- Okay, just...

just show us the basement door.

SHELLY:
It's that way.

(DAVE SIGHS)

(FLASHLIGHT CLICKS)
- Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

- he's not here.
- Big surprise.

She seems like a nice girl,
doesn't she?

She reminds me of Amber... Amy's friend.
When she came to my door tonight

I actually thought
it was her for a second.

Oh, by the way, Dave, I wanted
to thank you for coming along.

I'm not saying I'm gonna take advantage
of her distress or anything, but...

(CLICKS)
DAVE: - Aw, jeez.

Ooh.
Guy must've been a hunter.

(THUDS)

Wait. John.

Did I hear you say that you thought
that she looked like Amber?

- Yeah.
- John, Amber's almost as tall as me.

Like, just under six feet,
blonde hair, kinda top-heavy.

Yeah, I know.
She's cute as hell, right?

Yeah, and you think
that Shelly looks like her?

- The girl sitting upstairs?
- Yeah.

John, Shelly's short.

Short with dark hair,

blue eyes.

God damn it.
I knew she was too good to be true.

(SIGHS)

Uh, Shelly.

John and I are having
a bit of a problem here.

We're both seeing completely
different versions of you.

Now John here has eyesight problems

'cause of his constant masturbation,
but I don't think...

(HISSING) (GUYS SCREAM)

(WHIMPERING)

Oh! God!

Ah! Oh!

Ah! Ah! Oh.

- That door cannot be opened!
- No.

They love to play games, don't they?

- It's all they have time for.
(THUDDING)

(CHITTERS)

(GASPS)

(RASPY BREATHING)

(ROARS)

(GRUNTING)

You disappoint me.
All these years we've dueled.

You will never defeat me, Marconi.

Wait, Dr. Albert Marconi?
The guy who hosts

the "Magical Mystery" show
on the Culture Channel?

You dumb-ass. Marconi?

Marconi's like 50 years old.

The guy's got white hair.
(LAUGHS)

We're not your nemesis.

Okay, I'll tell you what...
if we can get you in touch with Marconi

so you two can work out your
little differences, will you release us?

- You lie!
- No no no, we're in the same business.

- We got a direct line. Here.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(BEEPS)

(CROWD CHANTING)
Marconi! Marconi!

Marconi! Marconi! Marconi!

- Monsieur?
(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

- Yes?
- S'il vous plaît.

MAN ON TV: ...unseen forces
swirling around us, willing to

- face down the legions of evil...
- Yes.

...and helping
his fellow man to find the path

from darkness into the light.

From sold-out engagements
in Rome, Tel Aviv,

- Madison Square Garden and Las Vegas...
- Sir.

- Hello, Doctor.
(MONSTER BREATHING HEAVILY)

Uh, yeah, John is feeling better.
Thank you for asking.

I'm afraid we have
a situation 53 here.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, would you be willing to speak
directly to the manifestation?

Okay, yeah, I will.

We have a deal?

(SQUISHES)

So we meet again, Marconi.

You thought...
(ROARS)

Damn. He's good.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)
Marconi. Marconi.

(HUMPHS)

- Marconi. Marconi. (CHEERS)
(CLEARS THROAT)

ARNIE:
Spiritualists? Exorcists?

You guys already have a bit
of a following though, don't ya?

I found a couple
of discussion boards on the web

devoted to you and your friend

and your... hobby, I guess.

DAVE'S VOICE:
Okay, I'm not farting around.

You have 83¢
in your front pocket, Arnie...

three quarters,
a nickel, three pennies.

The pennies are dated
1983, 1993 and 1999.

(CHUCKLES) (COINS JINGLE)

(CHUCKLES, CLICKS TONGUE)

Well, I'll be damned.

That's a neat trick, Mr. Wong.

If you flip the nickel 10 times,
you'll get heads,

heads, tails, heads, tails,
tails, tails, heads, tails, tails.

I don't think I wanna
take the time to do that.

Last night you had
a dream, Arnie.

You dreamt you were being chased
through the forest by your mother.

She was lashing you with a whip

made of knotted penises.

DAVE'S VOICE: That's right, Arnie.
Everything you know is wrong.

You've got my attention,
Mr. Wong.

DAVE:
Oh, it gets better.

A lot better.

DAVE'S VOICE:
Bullshit. What it gets is worse.

A lot worse.

It started just
a couple of years ago.

We were just a year
or two out of high school,

- just kids.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So that friend of mine, John,

he had a band.

I once knew a man...

actually, I made that up.
One, two, three, four!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ My melon soul ♪

♪ Camel Holocaust ♪

♪ Crushed by
your Gallagher of apathy ♪

♪ Camel Holocaust ♪

♪ There's a wolf behind you! ♪

♪ Camel Holocaust ♪

♪ No wait, it's just a dog ♪

♪ Camel Holocaust ♪

♪ Hair! Hair! ♪

♪ Hair!
Hair! ♪

♪ My hat smells like lubricant ♪

♪ Camel Holocaust ♪

♪ I don't want to touch it... ♪

DAVE: Telling the story now,
I'm tempted to say something like,

"Who would've thought
my friend John would help

bring about the end of the world?"

♪ Hair! Hair! ♪

♪ Hair!
Hair! ♪

♪ Hair! Hair! ♪

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Hey, Fred.
- Hey.

Here's to all
of the kisses I've snatched

and vice-versa.

- Amen.
(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOY SPEAKS)
GIRL: - Justin.

Girl, what you thinking?

- Justin, please!
- Get your hand off me.

GIRL:
Please give it back to me, Justin.

(LAUGHING)
- Please?

(DISTORTED)
Please give it back to me, Justin.

JUSTIN: - Get your hand off me, girl.
GIRL: - No!

(JUSTIN LAUGHS)

Could I have that back, please?

(SQUEAKING)

Umm, hey, you're...
you're Amy, right?

Um...

do you want a beer?

No, my dog just...

bit some Jamaican guy.
I've got to go find him.

Man, my uncle lost a foot
in his riding mower.

Says you can still feel it.
What's that... what's that called?

Fantasy leg situation
or something like that?

It's called phantom limb syndrome,

and all amputees get it
and it goes away.

Asshole.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Good one, Fred.

(MAN LAUGHING)
I'm floating, man.

- And that's real magic, man.
- What's up?

Is there some guy exposing
himself over there?

Oh my God,
that guy just levitated...

- right off the ground.
- How high?

MAN 2: - Wow.
GIRL: - Ooh.

You gotta love the skeptic, man.

Lemme guess...

about six inches
above the grass, right?

Balducci levitation?

Let's see. What can I do
to impress Mr. Skeptic Man here?

Ah, look at there.

You forgot to wash behind
your ears there, didn't ya?

It's a quarter, right?

(CHUCKLES) (CHITTERS)

Well, the bug's a nice touch.

(BLOWS)
- Oh.

Do you dream, man?

I interpret dreams... for a beer.

Well, I don't have any beer,

so I guess I'm out of luck.

I'll tell you what I'll do,
Mr. Skeptic Man.

I'll do it like Daniel
in the Old Testament.

I'll tell you
the last dream that you had

and then I'll break down
it's meaning for ya.

And if I'm right, you owe me a beer.
Okay, man?

Sure. (SIGHS)

I mean, you've obviously been blessed
with supernatural gifts.

What better way to use them
than to fish for free beer at parties?

You had this one

early this morning

in the middle
of the thunderstorm.

And in the dream, you were back

with your girlfriend Tina.

DAVE'S VOICE:
Whoa. How'd he know that?

And you come home
and she's there

with this big
honking pile of dynamite

and one of them
cartoon plunger detonators,

ready to blow.

And you say,
"What you doing?"

(WHISPERS)
And she says, "This," and boom.

Your eyes snap open

and the explosion
at the end of the dream

become the clap of thunder
outside of your window.

(CHUCKLES)

So tell me, man... am I close?

DAVE'S VOICE:
Holy shit.

Okay.
(CHUCKLES)

You made a lucky guess.

You see?
You gotta ask yourself, man...

you gotta be really brave to ask
yourself the scary questions.

How did your mind know, David,

- that the thunder was coming?
- How'd you know my...

The thunder came right as she hit
the detonator at the end of your dream.

Your mind started the dream
30 seconds before the thunder.

Now how did the mind know
that the thunder was coming?

Hmm?
(CHUCKLES)

Because...

time is an ocean...

(WHISPERING) not a garden hose.

Space is a puff of smoke,
a wisp of cloud.

(CHUCKLES)

Your mind...

is a flying corn snake,

hovering through
all the possibilities.

(CHUCKLES)

Whatever.

MAN: You want to know
where your papa really was

when you were in hospital
with broke leg?

Do you want me to tell you
the name of your soulmate?

Or how she'll die?

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Do you want to know when the first
nuclear bomb will hit American soil?

Or in which city?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, man!
You owe me a beer, man!

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC FADES)

(CROWD CHANTS)
Three Ann Sally! Three Arm Sally!

(PANTING)
- Oh. Where'd you come from?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

- Good dog.
(WHINES)

(WHIMPERS)
- Oh.

Help yourself.

(EXHALES)

(WHIMPERS) (CHUCKLES)

Okay, Bark Lee,

you and me'll go visit Amy,

see if we can't get back
in her good graces.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(COUGHS)

(CHITTERING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(BEEPS)
- John, what's going on?

JOHN:
I can't get out of my apartment.

- What?
- I'm scared, Dave.

I mean it.
It... it can't be real. It can't.

The way that it moves,
the way it's made...

this is not a product
of any kind of evolution or anything,

but it still managed to bite me.

- What?
- Can you come over?

- Yeah, I'll be there in 12 minutes.
(BEEPS)

(YELPS, WHINES)
- Oh!

(SIGHS)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

John?

(CREAKS)

John?

John.
John, I'm gonna call the police.

(GRUNTS)
- Oh!

It almost killed you!
You're a fucking idiot. You know that?

(WHIMPERS)
- Now we're both gonna die!

- You ready? Go!
- Yeah. Ahh.

Ahh! Ahh.

John?

(MOUTHS)

(WHISPERING) Do not move.
- What?

I know you don't believe me,
but when you turn around, you will.

(PANTING) Don't scream.

If you scream, you're dead.

Now, very slowly, turn around.

There! It moved!

John, you can either come
with me to the hospital

or I'm gonna call
an ambulance, all right?

But I'm not gonna just
stand around

- in your apartment while you...
(PANTS)

Door! Go!
(WHIMPERING)

(CRASHES) (BOTTLES CLATTER)

(DOS YAWNING)

(CHITTERING)

Get in the car.

(METAL CLANKING)

- Why don't you tell me what this is?
- You don't want to touch that.

You shouldn't have come here.

- You called me. You begged me.
- What? I did?

- When?
- Just tell me what this stuff is, John.

They're gonna ask me,
so just tell me before you fall asleep.

(SIGHS) All right, I remember now.
I was... I remember calling you.

It's hard, okay,
'cause everything's running together.

I kept calling you.
I kept calling and calling and calling.

(LAUGHS)
I bet I called you like 20 times.

You kept getting all weird on me.

You know what I think? You're gonna
be getting phone calls from me

for the next eight or nine years...
all from tonight.

I couldn't help it.
I couldn't get oriented.

It was like I kept slipping out of time.

(WOOFS)

(KEYS JINGLE)
- No, wait. Where are we gonna go?

- Emergency room, John.
- What? No. No. No.

Yeah. I don't know what else to do.
I'm not gonna play this game with you.

Hey, let's go to your place
or something. Any place but here.

Someplace safe.

DAVE: So you don't know
the name of the drug?

Robert called it "the Soy Sauce,"
but now I'm thinking

that was just the nickname.
It's not actually soy sauce.

- Wait-Robert?
- The guy with...

Oh, right yeah,
the fake magical Jamaican.

- What was his last name?
- Marley.

Ah. Of course.
Robert Marley.

And that guy's the one
who gave you the...

We were
in the One Ball parking lot, right?

Just passing around ajoint.

That Jamaican guy...

he pulls out this Sauce and goes,

(JAMAICAN ACCENT) "It be
opening doors to other worlds, man."

(LAUGHS) (CELLPHONE RINGING)

Did anyone else take it?

That stuff, Dave,

I'm remembering things
that haven't happened yet.

- I mean that didn't happen.
- John, answer my question.

- Did anyone else take the Sauce?
(RINGING STOPS)

(WHISPERING) I don't know!
That's what I'm trying to say!

We went to Robert's trailer...
(SIGHS)

Andy and those guys,
they didn't want to come.

I think they got freaked out
when they saw a needle come out.

And you still actually tried that shit?

Are you kidding me?
How could I not? (CHUCKLES)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)
- Dave, please please please,

answer your phone
or just turn it off.

Okay, all right.

- Yeah?
JOHN OVER PHONE: - Dave?

It's me.

- Is this a recording?
- What? No.

Look, I don't know if we've talked
tonight but we don't have much time.

I think I called you and told you
to come here. If so, don't do it.

If I haven't called,
then obviously you shouldn't.

- Just stay away, regardless.
- Who is this?

It's John.
Can you hear me?

(WHISPERING)
I can hear you and I can see you.

You're sitting right here next to me.

Well, then just talk
to me in person then.

Oh wait, do I look like
I'm injured in any way?

- What?
- Shh. I'm sorry, I gotta go.

- Say hello to me.
(BEEPS)

Was that me?

It was me, wasn't it?

(SIGHS) I'm sorry, Dave.
(SIGHS)

No, I really am. I'm sorry
for messing up your sleep cycle.

DAVE:
Come on, get in the car.

I'm sorry for everything
that's gonna happen.

All the people that are gonna...

(SIGHS) explode.

DAVE:
John. John, wake up.

He's still breathing.

(RATTLES)

Fuck it.

(SNIFFLES) (DIALING)

(RINGING)

MAN:
Saint Dom's.

Uh, hi.
I need a priest.

Well, this is Father Shelnut.

- What can I do for you?
- Do you...

have any experience with, like...

demonism?

Like hauntings,
possessions and all that?

SHELNUT:
Look, people say they see things

or hear voices in their head,
we generally refer them to a counselor.

No no no. No no.
I'm not crazy.

- Other people have...
- No, I didn't mean to imply that.

Why don't you come talk to me?

And then even if you need
to see a professional,

I've got a brother-in-law
who's real good.

- What do you think it's like, Father?
- What's what like?

Being crazy, mentally ill.

Well, they never know
they're ill, do they?

I mean, you can't diagnose yourself with
the same organ that has the disease,

just like you can't see
your own eyeball.

I suppose you just feel regular

and the rest of the world seems
to go crazy around you.

But let's just suppose
that I actually...

I mean, in reality,
ran into something from beyond the...

(STABS)
- Oh fuck!

(WHIMPERS) Ah!

Ah.
(PANTING)

DAVE'S VOICE: I'll try
to explain this without cursing,

but the black shit
from Planet X that came out

from that motherfucker
looked like it had grown hair.

Did I mention that the stuff
was moving? Twitching?

(NEEDLE CLATTERS)

(WHIMPERS) (RASPY BREATHING)

Uh, hello?
Are you still there?

SHELNUT:
Yes, son, I am.

Just keep calm, okay?

Nothing you're seeing is real.

DAVE'S VOICE: I could feel it,
that strange venomous warmth

spreading through my thigh.

DAVE:
Look, I appreciate your time, but...

I'm starting to think there's
nothing you can do to help me.

Son, I'm going
to be honest with you.

We both know you're fucked.

DAVE:
Excuse me?

Your mom writes on the walls
with her own shit.

Great changes are coming
to Deadworld, my son...

waves of maggots
over oceans of rot.

You'll see it, David.

You'll see it with your own eyes.

(DEMONIC VOICE)
Do you understand?

(PANTING) (BEEPS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(CHITTERING)

(ENGINE REWING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

MAN:
Be calm.

(CRITTER PURRING)
- Drive.

(INHALES SHARPLY)
(CRITTER CHITTERING)

(CHOMPS) (SCREAMS)

- Ah.
MAN: - Drive.

Just drive.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Wanna... ahh!

John! John!

John, wake up!

(WHIMPERS)
- Who the fuck are you?

(PURRING)
- My name is Roger North.

Congratulations.
Now who the fuck are you

and what's this fucking thing
you've got on my chest?!

My interest is only in you.

It is said out
of genuine concern for your safety.

A very important role
you must play.

Korrok is a powerful adversary.

Things are in motion, Mr. Wong.

- Fascinating.
- What?

They harvest insects here,
do they not? For their honey?

Do the bees know that
they make the honey for you

or do their work tirelessly because
they think it is their own choice?

(EXHALES)
- Have you ever noticed

when you hear a word
for the very first time in your life,

you will hear that word
again within 24 hours?

Do you ever wonder
why sometimes you'll see

a single shoe
lying alongside the road?

(CLICKS) (WOOFS)

I've been watching you
for some time,

but there are great gaps
in my knowledge.

Do you know I observed a man
who masturbated until he bled?

Did he want to do that?

And you, when you're alone...

(GRUNTS) (SIZZLING)

(TIRES SCREECH)
(CRITTER SCREECHING)

(ROARS)

(GRUNTS) (SQUEALS)

(GUN COCKS)

Okay. Okay.

This thing I got pointed at you...
you know what it does?

I believe I have an idea, yes.

And are you familiar
with the old human saying

"I want to shoot you so bad,
my dick's hard"?

I don't believe I do.

Maybe you'll hear it again
in the next 24 hours

if you don't try to fuck with me.

Now shut up and don't move.

(ROGER WHIMPERS)

(CHITTERING)

(STOMPING)

Things are in motion, huh?

(BARK LEE BARKS)

- Huh. Nice work, Bark Lee.
(WHIMPERS)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

MAN: David Wong?

- Yeah.
- Detective Lawrence Appleton.

Would you please step out of the car?
You and your friend?

He's...

resting.

Get the fuck out of the car.

I want to thank you
for coming down, Mr. Wong.

I bet it's been quite
a night for you, huh?

Where's John?

Oh, he's fine.
He's talking to another officer

- a few rooms from here.
- John... he's talking? Really?

Since you're both gonna tell me
the unvarnished truth,

you don't have to worry
about your stories matching.

Do you?
Just tell me what you did last night.

Well, I went to a party by the lake.

I left around midnight.

I was asleep by 2:00.

Ooh, you sure about that?

You sure you didn't go over
to the One Ball Inn?

You know, on Grand Avenue?
Grab a nightcap?

Your buddies were all there.

No, I had work in the morning.
I went straight home.

DAVE'S VOICE:
As I spoke, a strange jittery energy

began to rise up in me,
radiating from the chest out.

At that moment, things began
to clarify and become simple.

All of a sudden I was startled to find
I could see the cop's next question

before he spoke it...
word for word.

- "Have you heard the name..."
- Have you heard the name

(DISTORTED) Nathan Curry?
A guy about your age.

His parents own a body shop
right here in town.

No.

DAVE'S VOICE:
"How about Shelby Winder?"

How about Shelby Winder?

Heavy girl.
Senior at East Side High.

- Justin White?
- No, sorry.

What happened?

DAVE'S VOICE:
Everything was obvious now.

All the walls of the maze
turned to glass.

I IMMEDIATELY KNEW TWO THINGS:

this list of people had
all been at the party last night

and they were all now dead
or heading there.

How do you know that?
How do you know any of this?

Magic?
You know damn well why.

That black shit John took
made blood contact with you.

(CHUCKLES)
- Now you're getting high, partner,

on the Soy Sauce.
It's got you.

At least nine people
at the One Ball Inn

at closing time 12 hours ago...

three are missing.
Your friend is here.

The rest are dead.

Your friend is
the only known survivor

of the One Ball Nine.

And now don't take
offense at this...

but he's not looking
too healthy right about now.

Did he say anything this morning?

John called me last night,
talking crazy...

paranoia, hallucinations, the whole
monsters-in-his-apartment bit.

Said he couldn't remember
how he got where he was like that.

Did he say what he was on?

No.

You know we'll
find out anyway, right?

I'm not interested
in booking a bunch

of your raver buddies
for popping pills.

To somebody like me,
dead bodies are what matters.

Now if somebody is out there
selling poison...

I would tell you if I knew.

So what, that's how everyone died?

Overdose?

What about that guy?
You know him?

Yeah, he was there.
(TAPS)

Whatever John had,
he got it from this guy.

That's Bruce Matthews.
He runs an amateur

unlicensed pharmaceutical operation

on the corner
of 30th and Lexington.

And those?

Before.

After.

What could even
do that to a person?

Like a bomb or some kind of...

Nothing you'd know how to do.
I'm sure of that.

Maybe it's something not within
the bounds of our familiarity.

- What I...
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(WHISPERS) Sir, we need you
in the other room now.

APPLETON:
Hey, what the hell's going on?

God damn it.

(CHATTERING)

Your friend...

- he's dead.
(TAPE RECORD CLICKS)

Sorry. Hold on.

So, uh...

black stuff...
this Soy Sauce.

That's a drug, right?

- Oh, I'll get to that.
- It makes you smarter when you take it.

It lets you read minds
and all that.

It heightens your senses, I think.

I don't know. It's like...
when you're on it, it's like overload.

Like if you hooked
your car radio up

to one of those interplanetary
SETI antennas,

you just get shit
from all over the place.

You can see things
you shouldn't be able to.

And you've still got
some of this stuff?

- I'm getting to that.
- You're on it right now.

You're on it right now

and that's how you did
the whole thing

with the coins and the dreams
and all that earlier.

Yeah, I took some today.

- It's fading though.
- The effects don't last that long?

The side effects
don't last that long.

The effects will last
the rest of my life, I think.

DAVE'S VOICE:
Maybe longer.

Wow. Okay, so...
so wait a minute.

The kids that died...

that was that
rave overdose, wasn't it?

I remember all that... a couple
of years ago, seeing that on the news.

I thought they got ahold
of some tainted ecstasy or something.

- You're the guy...
- Something like that.

Okay, so if I contact this...

Detective Appleton,
he'll remember talking to you?

(CHUCKLES)
Good luck finding him.

So what do you think?

Huh, well...

I think you've got a book here,

probably,
if you flesh it out a little bit.

A book?

Meaning a work of fiction?
Meaning it's all bullshit?

Hey, a story's a story.

I'm just a feature reporter,

so the fact that you think
it happened is my story.

You know, I don't remember leaving
the house with any coins in my pocket.

I think you could've
slipped them to me.

Without you feeling it?

And the thing with the dream?
Come on, Arnie.

I think you're trying
to be one of those...

(LAUGHS) one of those mentalists,
like that Dr. Marconi on TV.

(SCOFFS)
Dr. Marconi may be theatrical,

but believe me, he's not an act.

Well, I caught Marconi's act in Vegas,

and your story sounds like a lot
of the same kind of hocus-pocus to me.

(CONTAINER RATTLES)

Come with me.
I wanna show you something.

- Where are we going?
- Just out to my truck.

(CURTAIN RATTLES)
- All right.

(TAPE RECORDER CLICKS)

(DISTANT BARKING)
- You see it?

No. Or, you know,
it's an empty cage.

Turn your head
so you're looking at me.

Yup. (SIGHS)

DAVE: Now you should see the box
just out of the corner of your eye.

Let's go back inside.
Your story was more interesting.

You're gonna die, Arnie.
Someday you will face that moment.

And at that moment you will face
either complete nonexistence

or you will face
something even stranger.

On an actual day
in the future, Arnie,

you will be
in the unimaginable.

It is physically
impossible to avoid it.

Think about that. Now,

without turning your head,

look at the box.

(SCREECHING)

Ah! Shit!

(GASPS)

Oh shit shit!

Shit!
What the shit is that?

(PANTING)

Wait a minute.

How the fuck did you do that?

What the fuck is that thing?

What the fuck, man?

There's no name for it in this world.

It's pretty freaky though, right?

Wait. No no no no. You...

you made me see something.

You made me see something
out of my own head.

You freaked me out
so that I would see something.

No, it's really there.

I'm surprised
you saw it so easily though.

You must have an open mind.

Most people only see it
that fast if they're stoned or drunk.

(CHUCKLES)

I want to tell the rest
of my story, Arnie.

I need to.
I need to get it out.

But you have to take it
for what it is...

- the truth.
- Okay.

Until I figure it out for real.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

Eh, that'll have to do.

(CLANGS)

Come on.

Anyway, so the cop comes in,

tells me that John is dead.

Your friend...

he's dead.

What? How?

(PANTING)
- Calm down. Calm down.

He went into convulsions or something.
His pulse stopped.

We've got ambulances.
One will be here in 30 seconds.

We've got Vinnie doing CPR on him.

Vinnie is a lifeguard in his off hours.

Now you listen to me, boy.

Here's what you're gonna do.

I'll be back in five minutes

and then you are gonna
tell me the truth.

And if you obstruct me in any way,

you're gonna live the rest
of your days wishing you had not.

(DOOR CLOSES)
(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CLICKS, BEEPS)

Yeah?

Dave, this is John.

What? Did you get out?

Yes and no.
Are you still at the police station?

Yeah, we were... we were both...

Have I died yet?

Dave, can you hear me?

Umm, yeah. I, uh...

everyone ran out of the room.
They said you had...

No no, there's no time
to explain all this right now.

Look, leave the police station
right now during all the commotion.

They'll have EMTs
hauling my body out,

lots of people will be
standing around looking.

Just walk out. Don't run.
That'll attract attention.

Just calmly walk out like
your business is done there.

Also, is there any way
that you can steal my body?

- What?!
- No, probably not.

Okay, never mind.
We'll have to work around that.

Okay, have you reached
the sidewalk yet?

No, I'm still standing
in the room. I can't leave.

There's still a guy in here with me.
Another cop.

No, there's not.

Check the mirror.

I don't get it.

He's not real, Dave.

Well, not in the traditional sense.

Just go.
Just walk out.

Okay, you're gonna start seeing
things like this from time to time.

It's important
that you not freak out.

So, uh...

he can't hurt me, right?

Oh, I'm pretty sure he can.

(GRUNTING)

(RIPPING)

(CHOKING)

(FLAPPING, CAWING)

(CHOMPS)
- Ah! Ah! Ah!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(COP GROANING)

(CHOKES)

(SLAMS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS)

JOHN: Dave, it's me.
Where are you right now?

I'm on the sidewalk outside
the cop shop, walking.

Where are you? Heaven?

When you hear a song on the radio,
where is the song?

What?

- Wh... what, John?
- Just keep walking.

Just go toward the park.
And don't freak out.

- Are you freaking out?
- I don't know.

I can't believe
this phone still works.

There's a hot dog guy about
maybe a half a block ahead.

Do you see him?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

- Okay.
- Buy a bratwurst from him.

(SIGHS)

One.

Okay, I have the bratwurst.

JOHN:
Put it up to your head.

Gonna have
to ask you why, John.

I have to show you something.

Dave. Dave, can you hear me?

All right, all right, I get it.

Yeah, I can hear you through
some kind of psychic vibration

or whatever and not the phone.
Okay, I get it. Okay?

- Could've just told me that.
- The only reason that you can hear me

is because you have
some of the Soy Sauce

in your system from the syringe.

But it's not very much
and it's not gonna last very long.

What is that stuff, John?

The Sauce... it was alive.

- I swear.
- Listen,

you've got to get over
to Robert's place.

There aren't any cops there right now,
but there will he.

We've got sort of
a narrow window here,

so you've got to take a cab to Willy's,

get your car and then go
to Wayside Village on Lathrop Avenue.

- It's a trailer park south of town.
- I don't have any cash.

I had $5. I just spent three of it
on the bratwurst.

That bratwurst cost $3?
Holy crap.

Okay. All right,
give me a second.

Okay, check between
the sausage and the bun.

You should find a $100 bill
rolled up in there.

There's no money in the bratwurst.

It's just a piece of lettuce.

Okay. You have your ATM card?

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

- John.
JOHN: - Dave!

- Yeah.
(DISTORTED)What?

Did you just drive under
a bridge or something?

No, I'm at the trailer park.
Which one's Robert's?

Oh, it's wearing off.
Okay, don't talk, just listen.

Go inside...
(STATIC)

And as long as you
absolutely remember not to do that

- you'll be fine. Good luck.
(BEEPS)

Oh, wait wait wait, John.
John, I didn't get the...

hello?

This looks like the place.

(ENGINE STOPS) (BUCKLE CLICKS)

(BARKS)
- Stay in the car.

(CREAKS) (STATIC)

(STATIC) (CREATURE SNORING)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

(GASPING) (BANGS)

(RATTLING)

(RATTLES LOUDLY) (CREAKS)

(GASPS)

(HISSING)

Oh shit.

(RATTLING)

(HISSES, BANGS)

DAVE'S VOICE:
You know what's in there, right?

We know Robert had
a stash of the shit.

Hey, man!
You owe me a beer, man!

DAVE'S VOICE: And if he had a stash,
he couldn't just cram it under his bed.

That black shit moves,
it has a will, an attitude.

It bites. And then I realized all
at once what I had come here for.

When I was on the stuff...
that little hit in my thigh...

I could communicate
with the dead, with John.

When it wore off, I could not.

My one chance to save John
lay inside this bottle.

It was decided then,
just like that.

(CHITTERING)
. Ugh.

(BUZZES)

(GULPS, SASS)

(DAVE'S VOICE SHOUTING)
Oh, son of a motherfuck!

The fucking Soy Sauce is digging
a fucking hole in my fucking face!

I'll throw myself at the cop and beg him
to take me to the emergency room

to pump my stomach,
to bring in an exorcist,

to call in the Air Force to nuke
this whole town into radioactive dust

and bury it under 60' of concrete!

(NORMAL TONE)
And then... calm. Almost zen.

That's what came next,
that Soy Sauce feeling.

I wanted to run,
to duck, to act,

but the body is
a slow, wet mechanism

of muscle and bone that creeped
even as my mind flew.

And so just like that,
I stepped outside of it.

I had a full 1.78 seconds before the
detective would step through the door.

A supercomputer can do over a trillion
mathematical equations in one second.

To that machine,
one second is an eternity.

Okay, think.
You're standing on the thin cool crust

of a gigantic ball of molten rock
hurtling through frozen space.

You're in a situation
that could threaten the nature

of said existence
on said molten ball,

depending on which decision
you make. But wait.

There are a shitload
of subatomic particles in the universe,

each set into outward motion
at the moment of the Big Bang.

Thus whether or not you move
your right arm now or nod your head

or choose to eat Fruity Pebbles
or Corn Flakes next Thursday morning

was all decided at the moment
the universe crashed

into existence 17 billion years ago.

Thus it is physically
impossible for you to deviate...

I never finished this thought,
as I suddenly realized

I was no longer in the trailer.

(WIND BLOWING)

Was I dead?

(BULLETS CLINKING)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Uh, excuse me.
(ECHOES)

So... I...

suppose you're wondering
why I'm here.

Same as everybody.

You're trying to figure out

what in the name
of Elvis is going on.

Everybody except me.

Me... I don't even wanna
know anymore.

I suppose you're wondering

what I'm doing
with this can of gasoline?

Oh, thanks.

I fell... on a drill.

(GAS SLOSHES)

(LID CLINKS)

(COCKS)
- Oh!

You leaving already?

Here, help me.

I'll be glad to, but first

I wanna know what happened
to my friend John.

Well, he's gone,
you know that, right?

Meaning?

He's just gone.

You know a kid named
Justin White, Mr. Wong?

- High school kid?
- You asked me that back at the station.

I remember now. He's that kid...
kinda talks like a junior gangster.

He's one of the missing, right?

Well, he's the guy
who called in the...

the whatever happened here...
about 4:00 in the morning.

(SIRENS BLARING)

GIRL:
Get in! Go go go go go go!

(TIRES SCREECH)

(BOY WHIMPERS) (GIRL 2 MOANING)

BOY 2: Oh!

(CHITTERING)

(JUSTIN GROANING) Shit.

APPLETON: I thought he was stabbed
in the gut or something.

I looked closer and there
was something on Justin...

his anns and his face.

- And this stuff, it's alive.
(JUSTIN SOBS)

Stay back, Steve.
I got this.

Yo, what up, 5-0?

So you're still gonna burn
this place down?

That's right.

And you're not gonna let me go.

So you understand my mood,

understand why I'm out here
committing felonies today.

There are some
very dark things happening

and I've got this lonely feeling

like I'm the only one who knows,

the only one who can
do anything about it.

Everybody's got a ghost story,

UFO or a Bigfoot story... no.

You know what I think?
I think stuff is both

real and not real at the same time.

I'm not a Star Trek fan.

I don't know very much about
other dimensions and all that.

I'm an old school Catholic.

I believe in Hell.

I believe that it's more than just

murderers and rapists down there.

I believe in demons and worms...

vile shit in the grease trap
of the universe.

And the more I think about it,
the more I think

that it's not just
someplace down there.

Oh no, that it's right here with us.

We just can't perceive it.

It's kinda like
the country music radio station.

It's out there in the air

even if you don't tune into it.

And I think that somehow
through chemistry

or magic or voodoo...

that Jamaican son of a bitch,

he tuned in to it,

into hell itself.

Through that, he opened a door.

He became the door.

And me?

I intend to close it.

(MACHINERY CLANKING)

Uh, excuse me.
(ECHOES)

(FLY BUZZING)

(SQUISHES)

(GRUNTS) (BULLET CLATTERS)

(FIRE CRACKLING)

(COUGHING)

(ENGINE REWING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CRASHES) (GRUNTS)

(ENGINE IDLING)

(COUGHING)

(WOOFS)
- Move.

(SOUNDS REVERBERATING)
(BARK LEE PANTING)

(JOHN CLEARS THROAT)

(DISTORTED)
Oh! David!

(NORMAL VOICE)
You understand me? This is John.

Uh... hello.

- We're in big fucking trouble, Dave.
- Yeah, no shit, Fluffy.

JOHN: Oh, you can hear me,
so I guess you took the Soy Sauce.

Why?
Didn't I tell you not to?

And what happened to your face?

Your second question
answers your first.

JOHN: HERE'S WHAT I KNOW:
there are two people

still alive from last night
other than me,

Fred Chu and your girlfriend Amy.

Wait. You're with Amy?
And who's got you?

JOHN: Justin White...
or that thing that used to be Justin.

Uh, that's four still alive,
including Justin.

JOHN: There's nothing left of Justin
inside of him now. Couple of days,

Justin's gonna hatch
just like that Jamaican did.

Anybody in the vicinity
when that happens

will become a spawning pod thing.

Dave, the last world
that saw these things

was saturated within 100 days.

And don't ask me how I know that either,
because I don't know.

Okay, I got another question.
Everyone who took the Soy Sauce

is either dead or comatose
except for me.

JOHN: Probably able to adjust.
But you should have figured out by now,

you don't choose the Soy Sauce.

The Soy Sauce chooses you.

The Soy Sauce chooses you.

If it can't use you,
it kills you.

From what I hear,
it plays with you first.

(BARK LEE BARKS)

(RASPY BREATHING)

Justin?

(JUSTIN GROANS)

(RASPY) Yo, you need
to come roll with me, dude.

Where, uh...
where we going, Justin?

Why you fronting, bro?

You know what time it is.

Stop calling me Justin
like nothing's changed, yo.

What should I call you, homey?

Just call me Shitload,

because there's a shitload
of us in here, yo.

Dude, I know you strapped,

- but before you think about...
(GUN COCKS)

...flashing that nine on me, yo,

you better listen
to what I's gots to say.

(CLICKS)

(GROANS)

As I was saying, yo...

(SIGHS)

Listen to me, dude.

I've... I'm listening, Shitload.

We taking a ride.

Yeah, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(BOTTLES RATTLING)
- Oh my God, my balls.

Hey hey.
We heard the gunfire.

- Are you the one that shot him?
(GROANS)

- I saw his head.
- I was aiming for his heart

- but yeah, I did get him.
AMY: - Good.

Amy?

Do you think he can be killed?

DAVE:
Look, I don't know.

AMY:
He said something about an old mall.

The Mall of the Dead.
Why there?

DAVE: John?

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

How long has he been like this?
Does he ever say anything?

He mumbles. Been like that
ever since they brought him in.

(DIPS) Wake up!

Come on, wake up, asshole.

Hey.

Uh, I found your dog.

I know. Thanks.

(WHINES)

Listen,

I'm gonna get us out of this.

Don't worry.

John's got a plan.

(WHINES)

(MUMBLES)

(CRACKLING)

(GRUNTS)

(AMY GASPS) (GROANS) Ooh.

(CHUCKLES)
Man! Where are we?

We're in some liquor truck
and we're on our way

to the abandoned mall
on Highway 59.

Did you say we're going
to the mall or coming back from it?

- Going!
- Yeah, that's right,

- 'cause Fred's still alive.
- What?!

Nothing nothing.
I got a headache.

You see that door?

I see it.

(CHITTERS)

Yo, she'll be able to walk up
outta here if y'all cooperate.

I need her to open
the ghost door, yo.

But if you give me static or try
to play the motherfucking fool,

as soon as she done what
I need, I'm gonna make you...

- Hey!
(JOHN PANTING)

Yo, what's out there?
A weapon?

You trying to gank me, fool?

(SHOTGUN COCKS, FIRES)

(AMY GASPS)

(GURGLES)

(MATCH STRIKES, FLARES)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

I guess there's
no getting rid of you.

(SHOTGUN COCKS)

Any more of them?

No, I don't think so.

Then come on... all of you.

Let's get to my car.

Okay, so those white things
that you saw take over Justin...

they're looking
for hosts, okay?

Now, uh, there was
a drug that the guy,

the one who exploded,
he had it in his trailer...

That stuff is black, right?

Oh. You're, uh...
you're familiar with it?

Sounds like you and I both got
long stories to tell.

I've been up 48 hours straight
and this case

- ain't getting no clearer.
(ENGINE STARTS)

It's the adrenaline...
it keeps me going.

Yeah.

That and those...

piercing voices in my head.

Wait.
What kind of voices?

Uh... (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) (SCREAMING)

(ENGINE REWING)

(CHITTERING)
- Oh fuck!

JOHN: - Ah, come on!
- Oh! Oh!

- Get out of the way. Oh!
(CHITTERING)

JOHN: Dave, let's go, come on.
Get outta there!

(PANTING) (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

Take my hand!
Come on!

Go! Go! Move!

(WHIMPERS) Shit!

(GASPS) (GRUNTING)

Come on, let's go.

(COUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS, PANTING)

(GRUNTS)
- Guys, I'm all right. I'm okay!

- Whoa!
(WHISPERS) That's not Fred.

- Not anymore.
(COCKS)

Guys, look, I don't know what
you think you saw back there.

Any one of us could
be infected or whatever,

but we gotta stick together.

We're the good guys here. Right?

Fred, why don't you go down
to the highway and flag down a car?

Yes.

- Oh.
(BODY THUDS)

JOHN:
Help me get him to the wreck!

These things are starting
to come out of him!

- Come on! Drag him!
AMY: - Oh God, I can't.

(CHITTERING)
JOHN: - You can do it! Come on!

(BOTH GRUNT)
JOHN: - Get him over here.

- Get back! Okay.
(COCKS)

(SCREECHING)

(BARK LEE PANTING)

John, what are you doing?

My weapons.
I'm not gonna stand by

while some white fuzz
from another dimension

invades our world and infects
every last man, woman and child.

We're gonna go through that
ghost door and clean house.

What?

I went with the Old Testament.

Okay.

Why?

'Cause we're the only ones who can.

'Cause we were chosen...
by the Soy Sauce.

- Are you in?
(SIGHS)

Yeah, I guess.

Is that a paintball gun?

(SQUEAKS, HISSES)

(CHUCKLES)

JOHN:
Ghost door... you see it?

DAVE: Yeah.

- All I see is a wall.
(RUSTLES)

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, cool.

Shit.
It's a ghost knob.

DAVE: - This doesn't make any sense.
JOHN: - Nuh-uh.

'Cause Justin... or Shitload
or whatever his name was...

he said he needed Amy to open it.

(POPS)

(GASPS)

(CLICKING)

(CLANGS)

(SCRAPES)

(HUMPHS, PANTS)

(GRATES) (AMY GASPS)

Hey! Amy!

(FOOTSTEPS)

Oh, I have so many questions to ask

- but no time to ask them.
- That's him, that's the guy...

the one in my truck
with the slug last night.

Okay, Slug Man,

can you tell us
just what the fuck this place is?

Well, what do you think
you're looking at there?

You're gonna be looking at my fist
and then Dave's dick

if you don't fucking
tell us what this is!

The others have devoted more time
and resources than you can imagine

to developing an ability
to pass from one side

to the next with no success.

But now we realize that you,

- and John here, apparently can.
- Who's "we"?

Oh, I have enlisted
an ally from your world.

This guy?
You trusted this guy?

He's just an infomercial dude.

Hey, don't be so hasty, Dave.

Dr. Marconi brings a lot to the table.

Thank you, John.
You're a gentleman.

The source
of the current manifestation is

on the other side of this portal.

The entity's name is Korrok.

And what does this
Korrok look like, exactly?

You will know him
when you see him. Believe me.

(CHUCKLES)
- He cannot be destroyed

by conventional means,
but I have a plan. Ladies.

It is called the Tripper.

And it came from where, exactly?

This is an experimental
Cold War weapon

designed to take down
a city the size of Moscow.

Contained within this detonator is
a block of C-4 explosive,

surrounded by a highly-potent
military-grade hallucinogen.

If you get the opportunity,

- you may detonate it like this.
(CLICKS)

Now the Tripper may not kill Korrok,

but it will sure fuck his shit up.

Severely.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, I like the concept, Doctor.

Ahl Mmm. Mmm.

(SIGHS) Fine.

How do we get in?

Just decide that
you want to and you will.

(WARBLES)

(PORTAL ZAPS) (GRUNTS)

(PORTAL ZAPS) (BARKS)

(PORTAL ZAPS)

JOHN: Ah.

We must be in an alternate universe
of some kind.

Apparently it's
"Eyes Wide Shut" world.

Gentlemen, welcome!

As you can see,

a select few interested parties

were allowed to come
and observe your arrival.

So we thought
removing the garments

would lessen your discomfort.

Yes. A very nice touch.

Good! Come.

Gentlemen, welcome!

I think they were expecting us.

I like the little touches though.

(WHIMPERS)
- I suppose you are wondering

- where you are.
DAVE: - I'm gonna guess

we're in an alternate universe
of some kind.

Well, that is correct.

Tell me... what was it like
passing through?

I wasn't really paying attention.

Yeah, it really wasn't that great.

We have been awaiting
your coming.

We have worked very hard
for many years,

suffered many
tragic setbacks in an attempt

to find and communicate
with your world.

Your world, you see,
is a twin to our own,

dual offspring
born of the same litter.

Watch!
Up until this point,

our histories were identical.

There was a man named
Cyrus Rooney from Tennessee.

In your world,
he died at the age of 17,

gored to death while trying to
crossbreed a bull with a Clydesdale.

In our world, the man survived.

Here, Cyrus Rooney was a genius.

He continued to experiment
in what he called beastiology.

Yes. People from our South
are into that as well.

(DAVE CHUCKLES)
- You see, by 1881

his group had
insectile flying machines.

In 1902 he created
the first primitive thinking machine

out of the brain of a pig.

(SNORTING)

You see, by your year 1922

we already had self-feeding,

self-healing,
self-modifying computers.

In 1926
Mr. Rooney passed away.

And then something
miraculous happened

to the greatest of his creations.

The very day Mr. Rooney passed,
it became sentient.

It gave a name unto itself

and expressed desires and emotions.

And from that day forward,
this astonishing creature

carried on Rooney's work

and conformed all living nature

to urge on the advancement
of mankind.

For some,
this process was easy.

Others required re-education.

Watch!

(TOY SQUEAKS) Mama.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
MAN: - Ow! Ow!

MAN 2:
No! Please! No! Oh! Oh!

Oh my God!
(GRUNTS)

(CHITTERING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

To process the magnanimity
that is Korrok

for your simpler minds,

we have translated
the following images

into a format that we think

that you will find more familiar.

I believe in your world
they're called cartoons.

(CARTOON MUSIC)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Mama.

(ROARING)

(GURGLES)

Mama.

(SQUEAKS) Mama!

LARGEMAN: There are
always those who resist progress.

In our world
it is considered a crime.

On our world it's considered
a greater crime

to unleash killer spiders
on an unarmed crowd.

We call that arachnicide.

But what if you had
a thinking machine?

An entity so powerful

that it could foresee
the outcome of any action?

Follow me.

We are all very excited

that you could join us.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That if Franz Kafka was here,

- his head would explode?
- Actually, yeah.

Gentlemen, you are
about to see something

very few others
have seen before you...

the ultimate manifestation

of Cyrus Rooney's creation.

(CLANGS)

Dave, John,

meet Korrok.

(LOUDLY) I am Korrok.
(DAVE AND JOHN GRUNTING)

(KORROK LAUGHS) Welcome.

- Your wiener is even smaller in person.
DAVE AND JOHN: - What?

With a tiny change
in your brain chemistry,

- I could make you a child molester.
(CHILDREN LAUGH)

- What do you want?
KORROK: - Not big black cocks,

so we don't have that in common.

Get the fuck out of my head!

KORROK: David Wong,
son of an insane prostitute

and a mentally-challenged
Amway salesman.

There are worlds upon worlds,

- an infinity you cannot grasp.
- ...in our world.

They will soon be
in your world too.

20 years ago
Korrok foretold your coming.

He showed us the way
to your world.

We have never traveled
from our plane to yours.

But we have tried.
Oh, we have tried.

Dave, John,

your arrival here is a new dawn.

You can show us the way to go
from our world to your own.

You see, in our world,

when someone is born
with special wisdom,

he shares it with Korrok

so that Korrok could be greater.

Watch.

Ah! Ah!
(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)
KORROK: - Mmm, bacon!

Understand,
we only have the best intentions.

We have observed you
and will soon move

into your world
with astonishing speed,

so that you too can know
the beneficence that is Korrok.

(BEEPING)

But first

we have to share
your knowledge with Korrok.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS, THUDS)

(GROWLING) (SCREAMS)

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)

(GRUNTING)
- Dave!

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS)

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

- John!
(HISSING)

(GUARD SCREAMS)

(BEEPS) (GROWLING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMS)

No!

(THUDS) (KORROK SCREAMING)

(GUARD SCREAMING)

(GUARD THUDS) (GRUNTING)

(BANGS)
- Door!

(BEEPING STOPS)

Aw, man.
You fucked up

- the detonation sequence!
LARGEMAN: - Dave, John.

All of the human minds
who have ever lived in history,

all of your thinkers and writers

and teachers and philosophers

could not equal even one node

of Korrok's neural web.

Our legions are ready
for the call.

- And soon all of your turmoil...
(BEEPING)

...and unrest and confusion

will vanish under
the soft hand of Korrok.

- Hmm?
(BARK LEE GROWLS)

- Hmm?
(BEEPS)

(KORROK ROARS)

(BOTH PANTING)

Did Bark Lee-just sacrifice his life?

Damn.
That dog just saved the universe.

Amy's gonna kill me.

We must hurry.

(MAN YELLS)

Move. Now!

Wait. If you could
cross over here so easily,

why didn't you just deliver
the freaking bomb? Why us?

We needed to send someone
they would consider totally innocuous...

completely unable to pose
a serious threat.

Besides, the dog needed an escort.

Yes. Good thinking.

ARNIE:
So Marconi saved the day.

Huh.

- Korrok still exists?
DAVE: - From our world,

it's hard to really know for sure.

But it's no secret that there's

still strange stuff
going down in this town.

What about the girl, Amy?
What happened to her?

Amy wasn't too happy
about her dog.

The Soy Sauce that
the dog ingested when he bit

the Jamaican guy allowed Bark Lee
to psychically connect

with North and Marconi.

So the dog knew
what had to be done

and was willing to make
the ultimate sacrifice.

As to Amy...

she's been my girlfriend
ever since.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

I got her out of town though.

She's upstate at college.

Got a 3.7 GPA.

Good for her.
And John?

What, uh... what happened to him?
He survived too?

We shoot hoops a lot...

whenever we're not
too busy with, uh, work.

What the hell, Mr. Wong.

Say we just go public with it,

with your story...

But just telling our story,
that's not going to do shit.

The testimony of two nutjobs...

that's just going to get us lumped in
with all the Roswell losers.

Ah, I see. Okay.

So what do you wanna do?

We show them this...

a physical piece of evidence.

I'm thinking if you can get this
in the hands of someone,

like a...
like a lab or something.

Yeah. Yeah.

Someone with
an electron microscope.

Right? (LAUGHS)
'Cause I'm thinking

whoever takes the first close look
at your Soy Sauce

is gonna have
a brown stain down

the bottom of his lab coat
a second later.

Yes!
Make that the story.

Hell, let 'em see
the effects themselves.

Just feed that shit to a lab rat
and watch the fun begin...

watch that thing start levitating
and speaking French!

And you're...
you're willing to risk everything?

Your life, your family?

Because, I mean,
best-case scenario,

your career as a journalist
is gonna be over

because this is all anyone's
ever gonna remember you for.

And don't forget that there
may be people out there...

real people...
who don't want this out.

Oh shit.
Come on, Wong.

I've been around.
Wong, I've been around.

My first year out
of journalism school,

I got knocked cold
covering Devil's Night

for the "Detroit Tribune."
That was 1984.

I woke up with my camera
busted on the pavement,

blood running down my shirt,

a big fat cop standing over me

and he says,
"Stay down, nigger."

So I think I knew then
what I was doing this job for,

and in the years since...

what?

What, Wong?

They, uh..

They called you the N-word?

Why on earth would they do that?

What? Is that some kind of joke?

(LAUGHING)

Why are you laughing?

- Oh my God.
- Hey! Hey!

Hey, asshole, answer me!

- Ow.
- What?!

I should have known.

Describe yourself to me, Arnie...
physically.

- Tell me what you look like.
- Oh, no no no no no no no.

You're fucking with me.

'Cause to me you're not black, Arnie.

(GASPS)

To me you're a sloppy white guy

in a rumpled corduroy jacket
with a tape recorder.

(LAUGHING) (EXHALES)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

You think there's
something in there, Arnie?

Come on, Arnie.
(SIGHS)

- Open it.
(KEYS JINGLING)

The sooner you do,
the sooner we can move on.

(GASPS, BREATHES HEAVILY)

I'm sorry, Arnie.
I really am.

You did this to me.

You did this to me.

You killed me,
you son of a bitch!

- Look at your body, Arnie.
(SOBS)

The one in the trunk, I mean.

You've been dead for days.
I think someone got wind

that you had contacted me
and they took you out.

I'm really sorry about that.

I'm not a fucking ghost.

This is bullshit.
This is bullshit.

(CAR DOOR OPENS) (SIGHS)

This is my fault, Arnie.

Not just you getting killed and all,

but... but this...

this half-life ya got.

I did this.
I projected you.

It's the Soy Sauce.
It's the one thing it lets me do.

I'm thinking you got killed
right after we talked on the phone.

You know how when you talk
to someone on the phone

you sort of imagine what
they look like based on their voice?

Well, when you got killed,

you immediately assumed
the shape of what I...

This can't be.
It can't.

I don't accept it.

I got kids.

I got a vacation coming up in June.

I'm going to Atlantic City.

I got tickets.

You're in the denial stage right now.

This is all normal.

Shut the fuck up, Wong! Now!

I refuse to believe

that I am only here because
I popped outta your imagina...

(POPS, HISSES)

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry, Arnie.

I really am.

Ha! Ring it up!

- 274 to 137!
(BALL BOUNCING)

- Ah.
- If you weren't counting

every basket as 137 points,

then you'd be up two to one.

Was that there before?

JOHN:
I kinda see into it.

DAVE: - Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) I can see people.

It's a hole
to another dimension, I bet.

JOHN: - Wanna go through?
DAVE: - Not really.

Mmm. After this point.

(BOUNCES) (WARBLES)

You just tossed our ball
into another universe.

DAVE: Yeah. My bad.
So do I have to go get it?

JOHN:
No. This is a man's job.

- Whoa!
(WARBLES)

DAVE: - Oh God. Here we go.
(PORTAL WARBLES, ZAPS)

JOHN:
Hey, Dave.

Where you been, man?

I've been walking around
for like two hours.

Time must move different here.

I came right after you.

At least it's cooler here.

(WOMAN RASPING) You!

Unstained!

How?!

(CHITTERING)

(SNARLS)

(WHOOSHING)

(BOOMS)

I am Sergeant Vance McElroy
of the Human Liberation Army.

Prophecy has foretold the coming
of strangers from another world.

It is an honor to meet you.

I must confess I do not know
from where you came,

but I can tell by looking at you

that you have not been infected
with the great disease.

I assume we share a common enemy.

If you cannot defeat him,
then all hope for mankind will be lost.

Gentlemen, the winds of destiny
have blown us together.

A bright dawn is about to mark
this lost and broken world.

- Tyranny will forever be overcome...
JOHN: - Yeah yeah yeah.

That's very interesting,

but to perform this task

we'll need a number
of items from our world.

So you must let us return there

and come back to begin our quest.

It is good then.
We shall await your return.

But as you depart, know that
we of the HLA resistance

will always and forever be in your debt,

for both of you mark
all that is good and promising.

And the fact that all good...

(DISTORTED SPEECH)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ This is how I'm feeling ♪

♪ There is a painter ♪

♪ Angel De Woman ♪

♪ She clearly said "No" ♪

♪ He is listening
to everything I'm saying ♪

♪ Feels like this mountain ♪

♪ Dante finally ran its stride ♪

♪ But the root of all that is ♪

♪ Hidden in the middle ♪

♪ Hidden for the fact
that it tore him apart ♪

♪ What about that smack being ♪

♪ Tossed around like cattle? ♪

♪ Tossed around my mind ♪

♪ Is official christening ♪

♪ I hear they're coming back ♪

♪ I hear they're coming back ♪

♪ I hear they're coming back ♪

♪ I hear they're coming back ♪

♪ A very important fact ♪

♪ Is that he never left ♪

♪ So how can he come back? ♪

♪ This is how I'm feeling ♪

♪ There is a painter ♪

♪ Angel De Woman ♪

♪ She clearly said "No" ♪

♪ He is listening
to everything I'm saying ♪

♪ Feels like this mountain ♪

♪ Dante finally ran its stride ♪

♪ But the root of all that is ♪

♪ Hidden in the middle ♪

♪ Hidden for the fact
that it tore him apart ♪

♪ What about that smack being ♪

♪ Tossed around like cattle ♪

♪ Tossed around my mind ♪

♪ Is official christening ♪

♪ I hear they're coming back ♪

♪ I hear they're coming back ♪

♪ I hear they're coming back ♪

♪ I hear they're coming back ♪

♪ A very important fact ♪

♪ Is that he never left ♪

♪ So how can he come back? ♪

(MUSIC FADES)

(BELL TOLLS)