Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:05,173
STEVE: Beware! For evil
lurks within these woods!
2
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:08,776
I, your Pixie guide,
welcome you, brave travelers,
3
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:11,045
Snotly Goldweaver,
4
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,081
Toshitus Wolfsbane,
5
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,249
Drew of Barrymore.
6
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,252
You must save the fair maiden
from peril.
7
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,520
Oh, no!
8
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,255
Is peril like danger?!
9
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,390
Yes!
10
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:23,757
We've discussed this.
11
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,559
And it comes in the form
12
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:28,596
of a red lightning storm
from the warlocks.
13
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,599
(warbling)
14
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,767
A home intruder.
15
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:37,105
You outrun the storm
on your noble steeds.
16
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,307
(clacking)
17
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:40,908
And he's on horseback!
18
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,377
I always knew I'd have
to kill a horse.
19
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:47,047
To the west,
you hear a fair goblin maiden.
20
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,583
(harshly) Help!
21
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,585
I'm imprisoned
in an evil warlock's
22
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,287
Tower of Despair!
23
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,755
Save me!
24
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,825
Oh, my God,
goblin chicks get me so hot.
25
00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,227
What's going on
down here?
26
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:01,061
(normal voice)
Oh, hello, traveler!
27
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:04,398
Welcome to The Dark Kingdom
of Smithurnia!
28
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:05,766
Pretty awesome, huh?
29
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:07,801
It's my Dungeons & Dragons
masterpiece.
30
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:11,172
Steve, why do you
make it so hard to love you?
31
00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:12,673
I'll have you know,
Mr. Smith,
32
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:15,643
your son is
the best dungeon master around.
33
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:19,780
He brings the game to life
by acting out every part!
34
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,515
You flatter me, Snotly!
35
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,585
Dude, she is into you!
36
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,154
Why don't you play
with us, dad?
37
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,655
It's a really
fun game.
38
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,690
This --
This is not a game.
39
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,259
Baseball is a game.
40
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,127
And I'm trying
to watch it upstairs.
41
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,828
Baseball's still around?
42
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,331
Is baseball the one
with all the footballs?
43
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,700
Steve, Yoshi,
Barney, Slimer,
44
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,603
just keep it quiet
down here, okay?
45
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,438
(sighs)
46
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:47,141
So, how 'bout
that goblin maiden?
47
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,610
Is she still...
hot to trot?
48
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:50,978
No.
49
00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,447
She's become
too crestfallen for love.
50
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:54,948
Well, does she
have a sister?
51
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:57,485
Yeah, she does,
and she's even hotter.
52
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:01,222
But she has
a latex allergy.
53
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:02,490
Do her anyway!
54
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:04,892
Pump and pray, bro!
55
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,628
♪♪
56
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:10,063
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
57
00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:14,134
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
58
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:17,070
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
59
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:21,375
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
60
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,211
♪♪
61
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:26,747
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
62
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:29,049
-♪ Good -- ♪
-♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
63
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,218
Aah!
64
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,888
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
65
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,391
(organ plays "Charge!")
66
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,892
ANNOUNCER: Time for
the seventh-inning stretch
67
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,561
with Old Timey Ernie.
68
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:45,766
♪ Oh! Take me out
to the ball game ♪
69
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,369
♪ Take me out with the crowd ♪
70
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:49,837
-Dad?
-Shh.
71
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:51,672
I'm observing my favorite
baseball tradition.
72
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,106
"Take Me Out
to the Ball Game"
73
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,709
is basically my favorite song
by Albert Von Tilzer,
74
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,111
right behind "I'm the Lonesomest
Gal in Town,"
75
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,714
"Oh, How She Could Yakky Hacky
Wicky Wacky Woo,"
76
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,182
"Honeyboy," "Chili Bean,"
77
00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:03,851
"Put On Your Slippers
and Fill Up Your Pipe,"
78
00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:06,019
"Au Revoir, But Not Goodbye,
Soldier Boy,"
79
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,955
and "My Cutie's Due
at Two to Two."
80
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:12,360
♪ For it's one, two,
three strikes you're out ♪
81
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:17,365
♪ At the old ball game ♪
82
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,199
Okay.
Now you may bother me.
83
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,068
Check it out, Dad.
84
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:24,071
I made a Dungeons Dragons
style baseball game!
85
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:27,408
Your favorite game
and my favorite game combined!
86
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,109
Into...
87
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,211
our favorite game?
88
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,980
-Never.
-Come on, Dad!
89
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,215
Y-Your character is
Bill the Shortstop!
90
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:38,286
He has max ratings in wisdom
and turning double plays.
91
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,553
Just roll the die!
92
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:41,922
First, I'm going
to roll my eyes.
93
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:47,995
You rolled an 18,
so that's a sacrifice bunt!
94
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,263
Cool, huh?
95
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:51,265
It's the exact
opposite of cool.
96
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,166
So...hot?
97
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,303
Damn it! Why does every
temperature mean "good"?
98
00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:57,638
My point is, why make
a dumb dice game
99
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,840
when real baseball is happening
right in front of you?
100
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:02,776
That's an ad for a dating
service for Flat-Earthers.
101
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,279
Yes, but between
the commercials is baseball.
102
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:06,580
As the world changes,
103
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,849
it's the one thing
that stays the same.
104
00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:10,751
It's been uniting
fathers and sons
105
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:11,985
for a hundred years.
106
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,787
But you wouldn't understand,
Steve.
107
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,589
You don't even
have a son.
108
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,090
ANNOUNCER: And there's
Commissioner Mahotz
109
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:18,759
watching from
his luxury box.
110
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,461
ANNOUNCER 2: He cannot
be happy about tonight's
111
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,762
record-low attendance.
112
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,597
Just look at
all those fathers
113
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:26,934
sitting next to empty seats
where their sons should be.
114
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,135
He's right.
115
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:29,637
It's the sons' fault.
116
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,204
You're someone's son, Steve.
117
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,106
Maybe you can tell me
why our Little League field
118
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:34,308
was turned
into a dog park.
119
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:35,609
That was actually a measure
120
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,044
presented
to the voters last --
121
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:40,047
And I voted yes!
The dogs need a place to go!
122
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,149
(sighs)
123
00:04:42,249 --> 00:04:43,684
-Git! Git!
-What's happening?
124
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,719
One minute till
Sex Hospital starts!
125
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,220
Quick!
Set everything up!
126
00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,822
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Hurry!
127
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:56,364
(sultry jazz plays)
128
00:04:56,464 --> 00:05:03,303
♪♪
129
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,339
The cancer patients
are gonna freak out
130
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:06,907
when they realize
Dr. Gudreaux
131
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,810
is actually Nurse Tammy
wearing his face skin!
132
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,145
I love
this show's twists.
133
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,181
I never see 'em coming!
134
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:17,585
Hi, I'm Sex Hospital actor
Jason Chapman.
135
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,488
And in our biggest
plot twist ever,
136
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,255
we've been cancelled!
137
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:25,025
Now enjoy this rerun of Maury
already in progress.
138
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:28,028
WOMAN: Help me, Maury!
My daughter's a bitch!
139
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:31,098
GIRL: Who's da bitch when
you ate all the Otterpops?!
140
00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:34,101
How could you betray me,
Sex Hospital?!
141
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:35,503
Yaaah!
142
00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:36,937
Aaaaah!
143
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:40,941
What will I do
without my daily dose of drama?!
144
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,377
Francine, what would you say
if I told you
145
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:46,213
that I could provide you
with soap-opera-caliber drama
146
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:47,948
right here
in your very own home?
147
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,684
I'd say go get a broom
and clean up all this shit.
148
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,686
And then do your thing!
149
00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,124
My dad's never gonna
be proud of me,
150
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,392
no matter what I do.
151
00:05:58,492 --> 00:05:59,960
My dad's not alive,
152
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:02,696
but my mom says
he's super-disappointed
153
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,398
looking down at me
from heaven.
154
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,133
But I think
he's super-disappointed
155
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,901
looking up at me
from Hell.
156
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,471
(speaking Japanese)
157
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,239
This is
all interesting,
158
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:14,608
but how does it
help me?
159
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,578
How does it help Barry
get ahead?
160
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:19,112
(crack!)
161
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,418
Hey, kid! Throw it back!
162
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:28,055
That's my ex-wife's house,
and I can't be within 75 feet!
163
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,389
WOMAN: Don't do it, kid!
164
00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:30,491
He's just gonna
give the ball
165
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:31,992
to one of his whores!
166
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,393
I don't know if
I can get it there,
167
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,896
but here goes nothing.
168
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:41,735
♪♪
169
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:45,238
♪♪
170
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:50,077
(slow-motion)
Oh my God!
171
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,582
(panting)
172
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:57,017
Barry, what is it, boy?
Is there trouble?
173
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,619
Mr. Smith...
174
00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,121
you gotta go
to the baseball field...
175
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:02,422
and see Steve!
176
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,525
My son's on
the diamond?!
177
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,494
To the baseball field!
178
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,296
(indistinct talking)
179
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,031
(neighs)
180
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,268
Steve?
181
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,505
Oh, my God!
He's pitching!
182
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:19,473
♪♪
183
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:22,109
Oh, it's just
a Steve-shaped adult
184
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,511
with a beautiful face.
185
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,012
STEVE: Dad!
I'm right here!
186
00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:30,217
Son! You're technically
part of baseball!
187
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,986
That's my boy out there,
calling balls and strikes!
188
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,022
-My boy's out there, too.
-Where?
189
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,190
(sighing)
Somewhere.
190
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,660
He was kidnapped
30 years ago.
191
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,664
I can still feel it in my heart
that he's alive, though.
192
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,065
Sometimes you just
got to take a break
193
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,066
from searching,
you know?
194
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,068
Enjoy some baseball.
195
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,203
Well, back to it.
196
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,745
♪♪
197
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,847
Stee-rike three!
198
00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:01,148
Great call, son!
199
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:03,150
Does he need to be
sitting here?
200
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,818
In your dream version of this,
201
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,920
where does
the umpire's dad sit?
202
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,089
-In the stands?
-Eat shit.
203
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:10,691
Steve, I just
have to know.
204
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,826
-How did you become an umpire?
-Time out!
205
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:15,529
I need to bring my dad
up to speed.
206
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,230
Here goes nothing...
207
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:21,034
♪♪
208
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:24,738
♪♪
209
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,273
(cries)
210
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,542
Oh, my God!
211
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,243
What a nerd!
212
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:34,214
(all gasp)
213
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,685
No!
214
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:40,087
Now we can't finish
our game!
215
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:43,256
Is there an umpire
in the house?!
216
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,893
Steve, you learned
all the baseball rules
217
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,528
to make your D&D game,
right?
218
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,632
Turns out,
being an umpire
219
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,734
is a lot like playing
Dungeons & Dragons.
220
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,803
You just keep the game
moving along,
221
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:59,573
and it doesn't hurt to be
an amazing showman.
222
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,074
Play ball!
223
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:04,612
(John Fogerty's "Centerfield"
plays)
224
00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:07,648
Much like the light in
my old lantern...
225
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,583
(blows)
you're out!
226
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:12,953
♪♪
227
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,289
Your quest around the bases
has ended...
228
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,591
safely!
229
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:18,959
(all cheer)
230
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,460
♪♪
231
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,662
You're out!
232
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:24,231
♪♪
233
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:26,233
♪ Well, I beat the drum ♪
234
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,668
♪ And hold the phone ♪
235
00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:31,238
♪ The sun came out today ♪
236
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,006
Get your face out
of that phone, Ian!
237
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:36,076
You have baseball legends
David Ortiz and Ken Griffey Jr.
238
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,645
at your birthday party!
239
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,613
Baseball's for
old people, Dad.
240
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:42,182
They watch it while
getting colonoscopies.
241
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:44,284
STEVE: Like the body odor
of a cyclops,
242
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,687
I call that ball foul!
243
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:49,623
Wait, you're
watching baseball?
244
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,192
No, I'm watching
this umpire kid.
245
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,962
His video's been shared
over a million times!
246
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:56,864
He's exactly
what I need
247
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,766
to get kids
into baseball again.
248
00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:00,367
(crack!)
249
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,804
David, I have
a confession.
250
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,839
I'm not the real
Ken Griffey Jr.
251
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,107
(Spanish accent)
That's okay.
252
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,376
I'm not the real
David Ortiz.
253
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,178
Then we have
a problem.
254
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,647
'Cause I am the real
Ken Griffey Jr.
255
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,883
I wanted to lure you,
and lure you I did.
256
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,284
Now, listen up.
257
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:20,353
You pay me $3 million
before close of day,
258
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,555
or the world will
learn your secret.
259
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,991
♪♪
260
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,461
(soft music plays)
261
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,330
Babe, is this
your underwear?
262
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,833
Your enormous men's underwear
263
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,302
with Tuttle's name
written on the band?!
264
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,704
Did you have sex
with Tuttle?
265
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:37,871
What's that now?
266
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,841
Dun, dun, duuuuun!
267
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:43,343
Roger, this is no
Sex Hospital.
268
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,544
No, it's better,
269
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,180
because I'm screwing with
these people's lives for real!
270
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,882
Wait a minute.
271
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,651
I don't wear bras!
Whose is this?!
272
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,823
I gotta say, I don't even
buy them as a couple.
273
00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:59,827
One's this macho alpha
surging with testosterone,
274
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,561
and then there's Jeff.
275
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,564
Plus, there's no conflict.
They're working it out.
276
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,500
♪♪
277
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,202
I'm gonna put a baby
in you!
278
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:10,237
♪♪
279
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,240
MAHOTZ: Nationals
Stadium, Steve.
280
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,775
Kind of overwhelming.
281
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:17,010
So take it in
and get all the butterflies out
282
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:19,046
before you umpire tonight.
283
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:20,848
Oh, there's the new
groundskeeper.
284
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,282
I should give him
the same speech.
285
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:25,618
Wow, my son,
called up to the show!
286
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:26,720
Just look around.
287
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,688
You can almost taste
the history.
288
00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,359
Hmm.
289
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:35,062
Notes of chewing tobacco,
sunflower seeds,
290
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,897
but very dirt-forward.
291
00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:40,033
This is definitely a dish
where dirt is the star.
292
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,535
-Pretty cool, huh, Dad?
-It is.
293
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,537
You're part of
a sacred tradition now,
294
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,073
so dial back your tricks
a little
295
00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:48,075
and let the game stand
on its own.
296
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,077
-You got it, Dad.
-That's my boy.
297
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,478
Now, if you'll
excuse me,
298
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:53,280
that dirt's got me
feeling a little sick.
299
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,648
So I'm gonna go eat
some of that outfield grass,
300
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,584
settle the old stomach.
301
00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:01,121
Kid, more people saw your video
than saw the game last night.
302
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:04,591
So tonight, I want you
to go full Steve.
303
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:05,893
Give the fans
what they want!
304
00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:07,727
But my dad says
I have to preserve
305
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,763
the traditions
of this great game.
306
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,098
Well, maybe
your dad's wrong.
307
00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:14,634
I mean, he is trying
to eat AstroTurf.
308
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,970
(groaning)
309
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,439
Unless you've been
living under a rock,
310
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,441
you've heard
about Steve Smith.
311
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,276
The tiny teen's signature flair
312
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:27,280
has made him the hottest umpire
in baseball.
313
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:31,018
However, some traditionalists
don't like the way his calls
314
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,853
are getting bigger and flashier.
315
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:37,357
But Smith's antics are
putting kids' butts
316
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,292
back-back-back-back-back
back-back-back-back-back
317
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:42,362
back-back-back-back-back-back-
back-back-back-back-back-back-
318
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:45,098
back-back-back-back-back-back-
back-back-back in the seats!
319
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,301
Stee-rike three!
320
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:49,269
(parrot squawks)
321
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,437
(crowd cheers)
322
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,873
BERMAN: Smith is
revolutionizing the sport,
323
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,674
and some are even saying
he could...
324
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,145
go...all...the...way...
325
00:12:58,245 --> 00:13:00,480
to the Hall of Fame...
326
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:01,982
of Umpires...
327
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,450
at the Dallas Airport...
328
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,452
in a little room off
the baggage claim...
329
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,187
which is usually locked.
330
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,388
(door knob rattles)
331
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,690
That was my hand.
332
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,995
Francine, thank you
for your notes.
333
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:18,465
They got me thinking,
"Wow, what terrible notes."
334
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:19,399
And now...
335
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,701
a tidal wave
of genius.
336
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,237
-(doorbell rings)
-KLAUS: I'm coming!
337
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,039
Are you...
338
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,040
Klaus?
339
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,209
Hell, yeah, baby.
340
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,744
But it looks like
I'm a little late to the trough.
341
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:35,048
What? No.
This is your baby!
342
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,383
Impossible!
343
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,985
I mean, it's possible
344
00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:39,552
because I'm constantly
banging chicks,
345
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,889
but not for the last
couple 5, 10 years!
346
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,357
Yes, but you donate sperm,
347
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:45,893
and I was in a car accident
348
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,061
with a truck that
was delivering it!
349
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,898
Dun, dun, duuuuun!
350
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:54,234
KLAUS: My God, I'm going
to be a dad!
351
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,104
Oh, now you're ready
to be a dad!
352
00:13:57,204 --> 00:14:00,373
Where were you
38 years ago?!
353
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:03,576
-What?
-You gave me up for adoption,
354
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,078
according
to these papers
355
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,547
that were anonymously
mailed to me!
356
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,582
This is insane!
357
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,084
MAN: You know
what else is insane?
358
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,220
You have only one week
left to live.
359
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,854
I found out when
these test results
360
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,590
were tied to a rock
and thrown through my window.
361
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:18,926
-(gasps)
-(both gasp)
362
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,461
-Meh.
-"Meh"?!
363
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,964
These characters
aren't believable!
364
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,699
I mean, the fish?
He talks? How?
365
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,035
And apparently,
366
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:30,537
he doesn't even have
to be in water.
367
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,239
Just, like, touching it?
368
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:34,607
That's not how fish work!
369
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:38,578
(organ plays "Charge!")
370
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,248
(crowd cheers)
371
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:44,717
Steve, what the heck?
372
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,454
Since when is riding players
around the bases traditional?
373
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,455
Don't worry, dad.
374
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,957
Your favorite part's
coming up --
375
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,559
the seventh-inning
stretch!
376
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,794
At least some things
haven't changed.
377
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,663
Take me there, Ernie.
378
00:14:56,763 --> 00:15:01,601
♪ Oh, take me out
to the ball game ♪
379
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,270
Remix!
380
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,072
♪ T-T-T-T-T-Take me
out to the ♪
381
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,739
♪ Take me out to the,
take me out to the ♪
382
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,141
♪ Ball game ♪
383
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,843
(electronic music plays)
384
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:13,846
(crowd cheers)
385
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:15,848
Stop!
You're ruining everything!
386
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,684
This isn't baseball
anymore!
387
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,852
Baseball was
on life support!
388
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:22,622
Its family members were
gathered at the hospital.
389
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,457
It was peeing
into a bag.
390
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,793
Orderlies were stealing
its valuables.
391
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,495
Steve,
our live-stream ratings
392
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:29,796
are through the roof!
393
00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:31,198
I'm promoting you
394
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,600
to deputy commissioner
of game development.
395
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,302
But that'll put him in charge
of rule changes,
396
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:36,803
and he's wrecking
everything!
397
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,472
I was thinking it would
be kind of cool
398
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,141
if the pitcher
used a crossbow
399
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:42,675
to shoot the ball
at the batter.
400
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,012
Genius!
But what about the batters?
401
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,813
Wouldn't that be
a little unfair to them?
402
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,481
Who cares about
the batters?!
403
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:49,816
They'll be on horseback!
404
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:51,951
Horses! Yes!
405
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,453
But what kind
of horse?
406
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,955
Like a Doberman pinscher?
Or a big-ass bobcat?
407
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,391
Do you...
know what a horse is?
408
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,328
Of course I do.
I'm Commissioner Mahotz.
409
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:04,331
I know all
the animals!
410
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,735
♪♪
411
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,638
Now that I'm not trying
to make my dad proud anymore,
412
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,241
I'm doing baseball
the Steve way.
413
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,642
I like what
you're doing here.
414
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,544
This whole Steve thing --
I love it.
415
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,412
-First, some rule changes.
-COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Yes.
416
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:22,049
I'm replacing the ball
with a 20-sided die.
417
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,316
-COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Mm.
-STEVE: After it's hit,
418
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,018
whatever number
the die lands on
419
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,919
-determines the outcome
of the play. -COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Love it!
420
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,156
STEVE: Runners must do battle
with Samurai warriors...
421
00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:30,090
COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ:
Yep. Love it!
422
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,058
STEVE: ...to get
from base to base.
423
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,059
COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ:
That's so good!
424
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:33,560
-STEVE: And there's a moat.
-COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Now we're talking!
425
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:35,028
STEVE: Filled with piranhas
surrounding home plate!
426
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:36,029
COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Yes!
427
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,364
That settles it!
428
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,166
We're premiering
your new version of baseball
429
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:42,269
tomorrow night at
Game 1 of the World Series!
430
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,037
Except we're now calling it
431
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:47,740
Lemony Snicket's World Series
of Unfortunate Events.
432
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:49,942
Love it!
433
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,445
♪♪
434
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:53,546
Damn it, couch!
435
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,215
First, I find you upstairs.
436
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:56,716
Now you're on the staircase.
437
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,418
Think you're too good
for the living room?!
438
00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,886
It's good enough for TV!
439
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:02,289
It's good enough
for coffee table!
440
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,724
(sobbing) Oh, God,
I -- I'm sorry, couch!
441
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:07,427
I'm mad at Steve,
and I'm taking it out on you!
442
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,461
Ohh!
443
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,463
Oh, my God.
Stan, what's wrong?
444
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:13,766
Your son killed
the game I love most
445
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,402
in the wuh-huh-horld!
446
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,469
Oh, honey.
447
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,071
Let's talk about this.
448
00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:20,073
Francine, what are you doing?!
This is low-stakes bullshit.
449
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,275
There's real scripted
drama outside.
450
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,377
Francine, I bristled
at your notes
451
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,745
because I'm an artist.
452
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:29,116
But the audience,
as unenlightened as she may be,
453
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,250
is always right.
454
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:32,452
So now I present to you...
455
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,454
drama perfected.
456
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,456
I've been poisoned!
457
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:37,824
Could it have been
that sandwich
458
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:40,127
that was shoved
through my mail slot?!
459
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:41,294
FBI!
460
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,429
We found your underwear
461
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,164
in the vault
at the robbed bank!
462
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,465
The robbed bank?
463
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,966
How do you know
about the robbed bank?
464
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,568
We kept that out
of the press!
465
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,170
(gunshots)
466
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,238
MAN: Ooh!
467
00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:53,940
♪♪
468
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,310
(chirping)
469
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,511
Killer stuff, right?
470
00:17:58,611 --> 00:17:59,946
I-I don't know.
471
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:02,982
I-I guess I just saw
all this stuff coming.
472
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:03,950
(tires screech)
473
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:05,852
Freeze, mister!
Hands in the air!
474
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:08,121
Ooh!
This is a fun twist!
475
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,956
No! No! No!
This wasn't part of it!
476
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:12,159
You're under arrest
for sandwich poisoning,
477
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:15,162
bluebird seduction,
and sperm truck sabotage!
478
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:17,530
I can explain!
I'm an artist!
479
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,299
Merely a humble genius!
480
00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,301
Bravo, Roger!
481
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,170
I'm not going back to prison!
482
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:24,837
(grunts)
483
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,005
(tires screech)
484
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,341
(crash!)
485
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,177
Another semen truck?
486
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,444
What's going on
in this town?
487
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:32,945
Are we on
a shipping route?
488
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,315
(horns blare)
489
00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:38,951
(crowd cheers)
490
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:44,056
♪♪
491
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,792
I was wrong before.
492
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,860
This is my masterpiece.
493
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,329
Sorry, kid.
I wasn't there before.
494
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,564
You called something else
your masterpiece?
495
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:52,832
-That what happened?
-Basically, yeah.
496
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,334
That's the gist.
497
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,038
(crowd cheers)
498
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:03,810
He rolled a 12!
499
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,378
Release the lion!
500
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,846
(crowd cheers)
501
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,147
(lion growls)
502
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,482
ANNOUNCER: Release the Lion,
503
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:11,918
brought to you
by Big League Chew!
504
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:16,055
What'll you be chewin'
when the lion's chewin' on you?
505
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,024
It's a packed house, kid.
506
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:21,861
Generations of fans,
bonding over your game!
507
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,235
I guess you don't
totally suck.
508
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:32,205
I've brought all these
fathers and sons together...
509
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:34,106
but I've lost my own dad.
510
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:35,442
♪♪
511
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:38,911
No! He -- He came!
Dad! Up here!
512
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,414
♪♪
513
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,415
Oh.
514
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:45,618
It's just a dad-shaped man
with the face of an angel.
515
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:47,287
I want my daddy!
516
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,390
Dad?! Are you home?!
517
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:53,125
(rattling)
518
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:55,228
Runner steals second.
519
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:57,397
You're playing my game.
520
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,966
It's the only decent version
of baseball left.
521
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:02,134
Dad, I'm sorry
I ruined your game.
522
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,803
Yeah, well...
523
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:06,273
I'm sorry I crapped
all over your game.
524
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,741
You actually did
a great job.
525
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:10,410
What dice do I roll
to slide?
526
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,612
Oh, you just use
your imagination.
527
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,713
Huh.
528
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:16,483
(groans)
529
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,084
Help me, Steve!
It's not working!
530
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:21,821
You slide safely into second,
just under the tag.
531
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,290
(gasps) Whoa!
532
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:24,957
Now I'm gonna try
to steal third!
533
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:29,061
You gallantly stride
toward third base.
534
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,331
But, alas,
you are thrown out.
535
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:32,599
Wow!
536
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:36,336
It's just like
I wasn't able to imagine.
537
00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:38,771
I wonder what's happening
in the real game.
538
00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:39,939
(helicopter blades whirring,
indistinct screaming )
539
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,941
ANNOUNCER: Folks,
you're watching
540
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:44,243
the greatest tragedy
in sports history!
541
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:45,945
Ohp, it sounds like
attack monkeys
542
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:47,914
are clawing at my door.
543
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,283
In these,
the last moments of my life,
544
00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:53,786
I'd like to do the on-air ad
for Meineke.
545
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:56,255
-Has your muffler been
giving you guff? -MAN: (screams)
546
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,358
-(crash)
-ANNOUNCER: No, monkey!
547
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:02,128
(monkey chitters)
548
00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,130
Buh-bye!
See you soon!
549
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:08,730
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38184
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
